howie kaplan dot com

Wow, that got a little out of control there

2009-04-07T18:03:00.000-07:00

Wow. Didn't expect letting twitter simulpost (a phrase I just coined right now) would totally derail my blogging. Big mistake. I've been microblogging/ spraying verbal diarrhea (if only that's a phrase I just made up. Whoever thought that up is the best writer this world or any other has ever known) all over there since letting the cobwebs gather on this thing. I've deleted all the offenders and from now on will just have my last few twivellings in a boxy thing over to the right there.

Also, I'm gonna dust this bastard off and get back to posting.

Oh yeah... you don't know anyone who's hiring, do you?

How Many Czars Does It Take...

2008-12-09T14:13:00.000-08:00

I came across this story on yahoonews, about the plan to appoint a Car Czar to oversee the auto industry bailout.
Congress, White House push to finish auto aid plan - Yahoo! News

I guess the bright side of this recession is that all the lost manufacturing jobs are being made up for in Czar jobs. Seriously-- How do you get appointed Czar (besides being born into a Slavic royal family)? Can I go back to school and major in Czaring? Because we've got more Czars now than a carpeted men's room has funny smells.

The real question I have though, is an appropriate one when you consider the excitement behind the new Watchmen movie. Namely, who watches the watchmen? Or who czars the czars? If these guys have such absolute power in overseeing billion-dollar bailouts, who oversees them?

The obvious answer, of course, is a Czar Czar. Which sounds uncomfortably close to the name of a certain Nabooian fish-tard.

Rick Sanchez

2008-11-20T14:22:00.001-08:00

It's time I went public with my longstanding feud with CNN's Rick Sanchez. Of course, to me, he'll always be WSVN's Rick Sanchez, South Florida's own homegrown blow-hard. Rick was called an anchor, but he was really more of a kite, flitting around from one shocking "news"story to the next, managing to always look good next to a gruesome graphic with a title like DEATH! ON! THE TRACKS!

If you think your local newscaster got excited during the Lewinsky scandal, Sanchez was so titillated his nipples practically burst through his shirt, sportcoat, and weekend co-anchor.

He's now the host of CNN Newsroom, bringing live-local-late breaking coverage of such stories as "People don't like President Bush."

This is a HUGE, Pulitzer-worthy story (ca. 2002.) But the best part is how Sanchez backs up his assertion that President Bush is a bully. Said Sanchez:

"I googled Bush and Bully together... two million, five hundred thousand hits!"

How do you get more scientific accuracy than that? He googled! Granted, I expected something a little more high-tech from the network that beamed in Will.I.Am, but you can't argue with easily-argued results.

Just to test Rick's method, I decided to google a few thing on my own.

"Rick Sanchez Idiot" -- 81,100 hits
"Rick Sanchez blowhard" -- 6,170 hits
"Rick Sanchez got a DUI and killed a guy" -- 9,660 hits (I was expecting more. Especially because it... you know... happened.)
"Rick Sanchez is as useless as giant boobs on a fat chick" (Face it. There's no bigger waste than the awesome rack fat girls get. Because they're simultaneuosly awesome and gross.) -- 1 hit. And you're looking at it.

Hey, Sammy Davis Jr.!

2008-11-18T11:12:00.000-08:00

Get coked to the tits and sell my Japanese scotch!

Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Stop The Music

2008-11-18T10:38:00.000-08:00

It's refreshing to see that hundred some-odd military brass saying it's time to repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Because from the looks of things, the army really couldn't get any gayer.

Nah, I kid. I'm sure if these guys saw the music I dance around to when no one's looking, they'd run my underpants up the flagpole (with me still in it.) And I'm sure that in times of stress it's good to let off steam no matter how you do it, and there are worse ways than the Cha Cha Slide.

But come on. There's definitely a place for gays in the military. And if you need proof, check out how good they are at sniping (www.defamer.com)

Where have I been?

2008-04-06T23:35:00.000-07:00

Cooking up new posts over at www.thehowiesandwich.com

BIG SANDWICH NEWS!!!

2008-03-29T23:54:00.000-07:00

"The Howie" is live! Go to my new site to learn all about it!

Howie Sandwich News

2008-03-28T21:42:00.001-07:00

There's big news coming regarding the Howie Sandwich!
I'd say "stay tuned," but that cliche has no meaning in internet terms.

Keep checking back!

ATTENTION ALL RESTAURATEURS UPDATE

2008-03-28T15:07:00.000-07:00

I am looking for an enterprising restaurant owner who wants to make a name for himself with what may be the greatest sandwich idea ever.

There's just one catch. I don't want a cut of the enormous profits I'm sure you'll make off this idea. I just want to fulfill my lifelong dream of having a sandwich named after me.

Yes. The Howie Special is ready for testing. Will you be the daring young risktaker to bring it to the world?

INTERESTED PARTIES ONLY NEED APPLY.

*** UPDATE! 8:38 PM***
I've just ordered The Howie from Art's Deli! The woman taking my order wasn't clear on the difference between caramelized and grilled onions, but I'm optimistic! Will let you know how it turns out.

Race and Gender at Ultrazone(R) Laser Tag

2008-03-15T20:48:00.001-07:00

In light of America's current discussion this election year, "What's worse about this country, our racism or our sexism?" I thought I'd weigh in with the opinions discussed in what is, for my money, our nation's premiere race and gender relations publication-- The Studio City/Toluca Lake Smart Mailer.

Specifically, the ad for Ultrazone(R) Laser Tag. Of course, at first glance, it might seem that all this coupon can tell us is that people of all races are welcomed at Ultrazone(R). But, once you look closer, the truth is far more disturbing.

Let's take the white woman in the top-left corner. Who would want her on their team? She's too partied-out from appearing on "Girls Gone Wild: Chainsmoking Bicyclists on Spring Break." In an actual laser-battle, no one would want her on their squad. Look at the way she holds her weapon! I don't care if her father commanded the third fleet at The Battle of Charybdis' Maw, she's more likely to shoot her own Medi-Droid than an enemy Starmando.

And don't get me started on Cocky Minority Sidekick beneath her. What, have I never seen a movie? The Cocky Minority Sidekick is always the first to be eaten by the Alien Man-Eating-Who-cares-it's-a-horror-movie-just-fast-forward-to-the-co-ed-shower-scene Monster. Oh, and if you happen to be a Minority Sidekick who is in a high-octane thrill ride-type of situation... DON'T TALK ABOUT YOUR MOM. And if possible, get the scientist-girl to fall in love with you.

Moving on to the half-Thai girl in the bottom left... I got no problem with her. She looks confident and with it. I'd actually want her to answer the red phone at 3AM.

The Latina in the Top Right? She looks a little nervous. I'd argue about taking her on a mission with me. Because being the leader of K'roy Hill, I'd have protective feelings for her and everyone else living in the tunnels with me. I'd argue with her, "No, you're not ready! Think of the horrors you'd never be able to un-see!" But I'd give in, after promising her big sister that I'd look after her. And who knows, maybe her affinity with animals will come in handy when traveling the Wasteland's Undertrains.

The white guy in the middle is totally useless. The only one he's thinking about shooting with his Beamrifle is already on the flier with him.

The woman in the bottom-right is the only one I'd really feel comfortable with as my squad-mate. She just has the look of someone who, though she's employed in a domestic fashion on the outside world, is perfectly capable of defending a hospital against a zombie attack. Not to say she won't have moments where she questions herself. But that old man was already infected-- she did what she had to do to protect the other Survivors of the Jim and Mary-Anne Kiefer Orthopedic Rehabilitative Center. And if we have to split into two teams, with mine driving the Slap-Dash Armored Anti-Zombie vehicle (that used to be an ambulance) and hers laying covering laser-fire from the roof of the Hopital, I'd trust her to have my back. This sister knows her way around a Blast-0 Gun.

So what does this flier tell us about the state of race and gender in America? Are we ready for The First Black Man to be President of the United States? Or do we want to say, "Yes, Mrs. President?"

Perhaps we don't want our next president to be either of these things. Perhaps we want it to be BOTH of these things.

Peeing Your Pants at 30,000 Feet

2008-03-09T22:51:00.000-07:00

I work nights. It's not so bad once you get used to it. You don't have to deal with rush-hour traffic, you get to sleep in, and you can accomplish a full day's worth of errands before you even get in the shower.

But when it's time to rejoin society, the shift change can be... difficult.

Like catching a flight... a 7:10 AM flight... to Denver, having only 5 hours to get off work, go home, sleep, wake up and stumble to the airport and through security.

So exhausted might you be, in fact, that when you got up and went to the bathroom, you would be biologically unable to pee straight. You would then walk the 19 rows back to your seat without noticing the enormous puddle on the inseam of your pants.

Luckily, once you overcame the initial shock-- the initial “No!… Is it?… Does it smell like it could be…”-- You’d quickly drape your red hoodie over yourself blanket-style, like a 13 year old girl when confronted by her unexpected first period.

Then, of course, the stewardesses might come by with the drink cart. The same drink cart you had to squeeze by on the very long, very visible walk back to your seat (Or, as you worry your fellow passengers have dubbed it, The Saint Urea Day Parade.)

"This is how I'll know," you might think." If they DON'T offer me a drink, them I'll know for sure that they-- and everyone else between First Class and Row 19-- have definitely seen my shame-puddle, and so won’t offer me a drink, considering their new concerns about my bladder control."

The drink cart would rattle down the fuselage. Stopping at every row, taking orders.

15B-- Dr. Pepper, no ice.

17C-- 2 boxes of cookies and a glass of orange juice.

At every herk-and-jerk stop, you would wonder if you can actually feel the cold, wet spot on your lap, and wonder how your ancestors weren’t made extinct in a harsh, Darwinian world of Survival Of The Fittest.

At the aisle to Row 19, it would be understandable if you held your breath as you saw a pair of black nylons. A navy jumper. A red neckerchief.

"Drink, sir?"

It would be perfectly excusable for you to let out a gust of relieved air.

“Water.”

And you’d make yourself go to sleep.

Sorry, Ralph Nader...

2008-02-25T18:52:00.000-08:00

... but if I want to waste my vote, I'll do what I always do and vote for the Democrats.

Memo To World

2008-02-15T11:45:00.000-08:00

Apparently, I missed this one. It was important, too, because it would have helped me avoid this morning's awkwardness. I typed it up so no one will have to experience what I went through.

TO: EVERYONE

FROM: HOWIE KAPLAN

RE: PEOPLE IN YOUR YARD

THE GAS MAN DOESN'T KNOCK. HE JUST LETS HIMSELF IN.
IF YOU LOOK OUT INTO THE YARD AND SEE HIM PLAYING WITH YOUR DOG AND, WONDERING WHO THIS WEIRDO IS, YOU GO OUT IN YOUR MIS-MATCHED PAJAMAS BECAUSE LAST NIGHT YOU DIDN'T SHAKE OFF ENOUGH AND HAD PEE DRIPPINGS ALL OVER YOUR PANTS…
...HE WILL MAKE SMALL TALK WITH YOU INSTEAD OF READING THE DAMN METER AND LEAVING.
APPARENTLY, THIS IS THE LAW.
ALSO, DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT NOT PICKING UP YOUR DOG'S SHIT WHERE THE ISN'T THAT RIGHT, GIRL? WHO'S A PRETTY GIRL? WHOSE DIRTY SHITS CAME OUT OF A PRETTY GIRL?

Matt Fraction's Twitter...

2008-02-10T18:45:00.000-08:00

Says it better than I could....

mike huckabee is the only bass player in the united states to never get a blow job

Bigfoot is alive and well and living on Mars

2008-01-23T13:56:00.000-08:00

Anderson Cooper cut his teeth on international news, but now it seems he's gone interplanetary.

Once every four years...

2008-01-01T20:14:00.000-08:00

I wish I lived in Iowa.

Then I check the weather report.

... seriously. 3 degrees?! In the words of an old professor of mine, that's "Ass-bangingly Cold"

Step Up, Hipster.

2007-12-28T11:29:00.000-08:00

Los Angeles – the ironic fashion-sense capital of the world. There are parts of town where you can't even go if the expression on your t-shirt is not polar opposites with the way you actually feel and think. So when I was in Florida this Christmas and my grandfather offered up this baseball cap, I snatched at it with greedy delight.

My brother and step-sister scoffed their disgust. Why would I want such a hideous hat? And why, now that I had it, should they give me a ride back from Delray Beach?

Because I am not a Hipster. But with this one-size-fits-all adjustable cotton crown, I would be the greatest Hipster of all.

Hipsters would see me on their excursions to the Sherman Oaks Galleria and hang their heads. They'd pine, "Were he a Los Feliz-dwelling, horned-rimmed glasses wearing, tight-t-shirt besporting member of our kind, why, we'd bow down before him. We’d follow his every intimation and declaration. We'd hoist him on our shoulders and cheer as he opened the old alpha-male's jugular with his jaws and be, thus anointed in his green-tinged and so-much-cooler-than-you-it-hurts blood, our new leader. Our women would swoon and our men would nod their respect and tip their trucker-caps to him. In the old west, we would have named him the Sheriff of Silverlake."

But sorry, everyone. I am no Hipster. I will not be the one to lead you to take your place on the national arena. You will set no agenda, lead no debate.

You must find another messiah.

For I just came storming into your house, Hipsters. I just slam-dunked over you and tongue-kissed your mom. Feel violated? You should. Because you will never have a more hideous/awesome hat than this.

PS-- Does it burn you up inside that I actually like knishes? That's right. I'm not even wearing this hat ironically.

What a waste...

Comedy is Dead

2007-11-28T18:53:00.000-08:00

That's it, boys and girls. Pack it in. All you comics, comedians, humorists, what have you... it's done. Go back to school and learn a trade.

Because the real world has officially made us redundant.

Because THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

The concept of MIKE FUCKING HUCKABEE reciting the Chuck Norris meme is hilarious as satire. But fo'real? It scares the shit out of me.

I guess the only good to come of this is that it's officially made Chuck Norris jokes decidely not funny. Now if Mitt Romney can do an ad where pirates, zombies, and a navel-contemplating questionnaire endorse school prayer, my facebook account might stop being so useless.

Yet Another Reason Not To Give A Shit About Soccer

2007-11-25T23:48:00.001-08:00

Add it to the list, my fellow Americans:

From CNN:

Soccer fans fall to their deaths in Brazil

SAO PAULO, Brazil (AP) -- Eight people died Sunday after a section of stands at a soccer stadium in northeastern Brazil collapsed as cheering fans jumped up and down at the end of a game, police said.

At least nine people fell through a section of the highest bleachers at the Fonte Nova stadium in the coastal city of Salvador, and eight were killed, said Maj. Edmilson Tavares of the city's federal police.

People died, and that's not funny. But this is just one more factor... in addition to my genetic predisposition against dogmatic, foaming-at-the-mouth allegiance to "Things That Don't Matter"... in why I will never catch el futbol fever.

Where've I been?

2007-11-23T00:35:00.000-08:00

Moving! Which means I need to change that "about me" over on the left side. I know, my constant string of excuses for not posting is getting old, but here... in the grand tradition of "Stuff you post when you're too busy to post" is a picture of my pets.

The cat is David and the dog is Ruby. She's brand new-- we just adopted her this week. She and David seem to get along pretty well... which is something I'm THANKFUL for.

Thanksgiving needs a ba-hum-bug equivalent.

All too easy

2007-10-31T13:26:00.000-07:00

From CNN:

Bush: Cheney's Darth Vader for Halloween

President Bush suggested Wednesday the vice president is going as Darth Vader this Halloween.

WASHINGTON (CNN) — Even Vice President Dick Cheney is dressing up for Halloween — according to President Bush.

Speaking before a Grocery Manufacturers Association gathering Wednesday, Bush suggested his No. 2 is going as "Star Wars" nemesis Darth Vader this year — even though he's not wearing a costume.

Personally, I find this kind of offensive-- to Darth Vader. Say what you will about the Dark Lord of the Sith, he never shot a guy in the face.

Welcome Ron Pauliacs!

2007-10-25T16:06:00.000-07:00

I noticed that redstate.com has banned Ron Paul supporters from posting on their message boards:

The post on Redstate, “Attention, Ron Paul Supporters (Life is *REALLY* Not Fair),” begins, “Effective immediately, new users may *not* shill for Ron Paul in any way shape, form or fashion. Not in comments, not in diaries, nada. If your account is less than 6 months old, you can talk about something else, you can participate in the other threads and be your zany libertarian self all you want, but you cannot pimp Ron Paul. Those with accounts more than six months old may proceed as normal.”

But where are those "zany libertarians" supposed to go now? Where can they vent their rage and frustration?

Here.

On Howiekaplan.com.

Post away! Tell your friends! Click on a few ads! What's stopping you? Go nuts.

Deadline Hell

2007-10-09T00:22:00.000-07:00

So much work due, so little time to do it.

Sadly, paying work has to take precedence. I'll hopefully be back with more posts later this week.

There goes the Universe

2007-10-03T21:16:00.001-07:00

From CNN:

Asteroid renamed for 'Star Trek' actor

NEW YORK (AP) -- A piece of outer space named for George Takei is in kind of a rough neighborhood for somebody who steers a starship: an asteroid belt.

"I am now a heavenly body," George Takei said Tuesday.
An asteroid between Mars and Jupiter has been renamed 7307 Takei in honor of the actor, best known for his role as Hikaru Sulu in the original "Star Trek" series and movies.

...The celestial rock...joins the 4659 Roddenberry (named for the show's creator, Gene Roddenberry) and the 68410 Nichols (for co-star Nichelle Nichols, who played Lt. Uhura). Other main-belt asteroids have been named for science fiction luminaries Robert Heinlein and Isaac Asimov.

I can't see Takei's asteroid being very happy in the asteroid belt. There isn't an antiques store or Express for Men for lightyears.

Now that I've fulfilled my homophobic joke-quota, the real story is on the front page-- CNN's webpoll, which reads:

Quick Vote

Would you want an asteroid named after you?

Yes 56% 5939

No 44% 4652

Total Votes: 10591

read related article »

This is not a scientific poll.

Who the hell are these 4,652 people who say they WOULDN'T want an asteroid named after them? Are you kidding? If there's a chance... as slim as it is... that something with my name on it could potentially be sent careening towards Earth and end all life on this planet, you can bet I'd want it to be named after me.

If for no other reason than all the cable news graphics.

Of course, it would be kind of annoying to have that sort of disclaimer when I meet new people. "No, I'm not the Howie Kaplan that's going to end the world. I'm the other Howie Kaplan."

I wonder if that would get me on a terrorist watch list...

Little Busy

2007-09-27T13:35:00.000-07:00

I've been swamped lately writing jokes for Ron Jeremy and the pimp from Cathouse, so it might be a few days before my next post.

So call off the search.

howie kaplan dot com

Wow, that got a little out of control there

How Many Czars Does It Take...

Rick Sanchez

Hey, Sammy Davis Jr.!

Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Stop The Music

Where have I been?

BIG SANDWICH NEWS!!!

Howie Sandwich News

ATTENTION ALL RESTAURATEURS *UPDATE*

Race and Gender at Ultrazone(R) Laser Tag

Peeing Your Pants at 30,000 Feet

Sorry, Ralph Nader...

Memo To World

Matt Fraction's Twitter...

Bigfoot is alive and well and living on Mars

Once every four years...

Step Up, Hipster.

Comedy is Dead

Yet Another Reason Not To Give A Shit About Soccer

Soccer fans fall to their deaths in Brazil

Where've I been?

All too easy

Welcome Ron Pauliacs!

Deadline Hell

There goes the Universe

Asteroid renamed for 'Star Trek' actor

Little Busy

ATTENTION ALL RESTAURATEURS UPDATE