The Stubborn Curmudgeon

Unidentified Impersonator

2008-07-06T08:08:00.001-07:00

(New Mexico) TSC Newswire: Thousands gathered this weekend in Roswell, N.M., for the annual UFO Festival. A costume contest took place in the city famous for a UFO incident in 1947. The winner was announced when a Michael Medved impersonator descended upon the crowd.

Pastafarianism: Creation

2008-07-05T17:19:00.001-07:00

2008-07-03T21:59:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th of July from all of us at The Stubborn Curmudgeon.

Jellette...the best a fetus can get

2008-07-03T15:17:00.000-07:00

(Miami) TSC Newswire: A Miami couple said they saw Jesus in their baby's ultrasound picture.

After suffering a recent miscarriage, Amy Janer was nerve-racked about her third pregnancy until she saw the ultrasound at 32 weeks.

Janer said the face of Jesus can be seen to the left of the baby, with his beard leaning against the infant as if to say "I won't shave until you're safe."

For the expecting couple, they said it was more than comforting; it was assurance from above that they would have a smooth pregnancy and that Jesus often finds the uterus to be an appropriate office space.

Janer said she and her husband are devout Catholics and really enjoy the work of Denyse O‘Leary. They wanted to share their story in hopes of strengthening the faith of others and to show how Jesus can make up for previous miscarriages by rubbing his facial hair on future umbilical cords.

No Country for Old Women

2008-07-01T18:00:00.000-07:00

(England) TSC Newswire: More than 1,300 clergy, including 11 serving bishops, have written to the archbishops of Canterbury and York to say that they will defect from the Church of England if women are consecrated bishops.

As the wider Anglican Communion fragments over homosexuality, England’s established Church is moving towards its own crisis with a crucial vote on women bishops this weekend.

In a letter to Rowan Williams and John Sentamu, seen by The Times, the signatories give warning that they will consider leaving the Church if two crucial votes are passed to introduce female bishops. The hatred of women is part of a new family values campaign by fundamentalists to promote Catholicism.

The Church’s moderate centre is being pressured as never before by evangelicals opposed to gays, and traditionalists opposed to women’s ordination. The crisis is unprecedented since the Reformation devastated the Roman Catholic Church in England in the 16th century. However, the Catholic Church is short of priests due to years of ruthless child raping and could use the extra help.

The traditionalists write: “First you tell us that Christopher Hitchens was correct and now you want us to allow women to become bishops, priests and deacons in the Church of England? My God, why hast thou forsaken us?”

Sultry Savior

2008-07-01T09:40:00.001-07:00

(California) TSC Newswire: The reality-tv star Heidi Montag, whose feud with the show's protagonist Lauren Conrad is the reason most tune in to watch, likens herself to Jesus Christ, when discussing the fight between herself and Conrad, which started when Conrad accused Montag and her boyfriend, Spencer Pratt, of spreading rumors about an alleged sex tape between Lauren, the holy spirit and her ex.

2008-07-01T05:57:00.000-07:00

His left hand to be specific.

2008-06-30T05:54:00.000-07:00

Collider ConCERNs

2008-06-29T06:28:00.000-07:00

(MEYRIN, Switzerland) TSC Newswire: The most powerful atom-smasher ever built could make some bizarre discoveries, such as invisible matter or extra dimensions in space, after it is switched on.

The Hadron Collider (LHC) basically consists of a ring of supercooled magnets 17 miles in circumference attached to huge barrel-shaped detectors. The ring, which straddles the French and Swiss border as part of CERN (The European Organization for Nuclear Research), is buried 330 feet underground.

The machine, which has been called the largest scientific experiment in history, isn't expected to begin test runs until August, and ramping up to full power could take months. But once it is working, it is expected to produce some startling findings—including the collective stupidity of the Westboro Baptist Church.

Scientists plan to hunt for signs of the invisible "dark matter" and "dark energy" that make up more than 96 percent of the universe, and hope to glimpse the elusive Higgs boson, a so-far undiscovered particle thought to give matter its mass.

But some critics fear the Large Hadron Collider could exceed physicists' wildest conjectures: Will it spawn a black hole that could swallow Earth? Or spit out particles that could turn the planet into a hot dead clump with residual zombies who look like Ben Stein?

The physicist Martin Rees has estimated the chance of an accelerator producing a global catastrophe at one in 50 million — long odds, to be sure, but about the same as gaining insight from a David Berlinski speech.

By contrast, a CERN team this month issued a report concluding that there is "no conceivable danger" of a cataclysmic event. The report essentially confirmed the findings of a 2003 CERN safety report, and a panel of five prominent scientists not affiliated with CERN, including one Nobel laureate, endorsed its conclusions.

Equal Opportunity

2008-06-27T21:28:00.001-07:00

(Rome) TSC Newswire: A leading cardinal has called on the Islamic world to allow individual Muslims "the freedom to convert" to Christianity, arguing that this does not threaten Islamic identity since Christianity is just as archaic and weird.

A secular world is a sane world

2008-06-27T04:49:00.001-07:00

Pope challenges PETA

2008-06-27T04:44:00.001-07:00

(Rome) TSC Newswire: Three years ago around Christmas, Pope Benedict showed up for his weekly public audience in St. Peter's Square wearing a fur-trimmed stocking cap. On a separate occasion, Benedict sported a sumptuous red velvet cape trimmed in ermine — another piece of traditional papal attire that had long been abandoned by conscientious predecessors.

When asked at a recent press conference why he continues to sport such exotic furs the pope replied, “I hate animals and never cared for the work of Peter Singer.”

Wet with Faith

2008-06-24T11:25:00.000-07:00

(SAN FERNANDO, Philippines) TSC Newswire: A coast guard diver searching for survivors Tuesday inside a ferry that capsized in a typhoon found bodies and a plastic rosary floating in the water.

Divers who entered the toppled ferry in the Philippines Tuesday weren't able to find any survivors. Officials had hoped to locate some 800 people thought to be on board the vessel, which capsized during a typhoon Saturday.

Lt. Cmdr. Inocencio Rosario slipped on the string of light blue beads for luck, and hoped that it was an omen that a miracle was still possible—like the miracle of the capsized ferry, the typhoon, and the 800 passengers still missing.

"I felt sad when I saw the bodies," Rosario said, still wearing the beads. "I can imagine what they went through. But hey, I got the sparkly beads. Everything happens for a reason!”

Rosario didn't think there would be any survivors, but "I believe in miracles.”

"I hope somebody there is alive," he said. “If the rest are dead, then God must have planned the whole event. Just to let you know, I’m praying for the sharks too.”

Who I'm Praying For Today

2008-06-24T05:57:00.001-07:00

2008-06-23T17:10:00.000-07:00

George Carlin - Religion is Bullshit -

2008-06-23T10:24:00.001-07:00

An homage to the man who said it best. We'll miss you George.

Wacko Wings

2008-06-22T08:39:00.001-07:00

(BRENTWOOD, N.H.) TSC Newswire: A woman who claimed she was an angel sent from God to punish pedophiles was convicted Friday of murdering two boyfriends by a jury that rejected her insanity defense.

Sheila LaBarre was sentenced to life in prison without parole.

LaBarre believed she once died of a drug overdose but was sent back to Earth as an angel with special powers. These special powers are now used to transport groceries from the local farmers market to her prison cell.

The stupid really does burn. Go figure...

2008-06-20T18:46:00.000-07:00

(COLUMBUS, Ohio) TSC Newswire: The school board of a small central Ohio community voted unanimously Friday to fire a teacher accused of preaching his Christian beliefs despite staff complaints and using a device to burn the image of a cross on students' arms. School board members voted 5-0 to fire Mount Vernon Middle School science teacher John Freshwater. They also found that Freshwater was preaching his Christian beliefs in class and taught creationism.

The report came a week after a family filed a lawsuit in U.S. District Court in Columbus against Freshwater and the school district, saying Freshwater burned a cross on a child's arm that remained for three or four weeks until Jesus removed it by using a 32-ounce bottle of isopropyl alcohol.

Freshwater's friend Dave Daubenmire defended him. "With the exception of the cross-burning episode, I believe John Freshwater is teaching the values of the parents in the Mount Vernon school district. We are all that collectively stupid. No…really, you have to believe me.”

Freshwater used a science tool known as a high-frequency generator to burn images of a cross on students' arms in December. Freshwater told investigators he simply was trying to demonstrate the device on several students and described the images as an "X," not a cross. But pictures show a cross. Freshwater is not only an idiot, but a fucking liar too.

2008-06-20T12:46:00.000-07:00

Two if by prayer

2008-06-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

(GLADSTONE, Ore.) TSC Newswire: Authorities say a teenager from a faith-healing family died from an illness that could have been easily treated, just a few months after a toddler cousin of his died in a case that has led to criminal charges.

Benton said a board member of the Followers of Christ church contacted the authorities after the boy died at his family's home. The teen had been sick about a week, and church members and his family had gathered to pray Sunday when his condition worsened. The prayer was intended to summon Yahweh from a large overhanging cloud where he could intervene with a magic wand to heal the child.

After earlier deaths involving children of Followers of Christ believers, a 1999 Oregon law struck down religious shields for parents who treat their children solely with prayer and other forms of useless, incoherent babble.

Noah's Park

2008-06-14T08:41:00.001-07:00

(CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa) TSC Newswire: The Cedar River poured over its banks Thursday, forcing the evacuation of more than 3,000 homes.

"We're just kind of at God's mercy right now, so hopefully people that never prayed before this, it might be a good time to start," Linn County Sheriff Don Zeller said. "We're going to need a lot of prayers and people are going to need a lot of patience and understanding. The prayers will reverse the floods and dry up the city according to God’s level of forgiveness.”

Officials estimated that 3,200 homes were evacuated and some 8,000 residents displaced.
Several emergency shelters were opened, and the city had closed all but one of its bridges over the Cedar River.

"I believe that this is God's way of doing things, and I've got insurance, so I'm not worried about it," said Tim Grimm, who was forced to leave his home. “You see, God wanted to purge the city and get rid of sinners in Iowa—especially those without insurance. Ha, ha! Jesus loves me more. Got floats? Ha, ha!”

2008-06-14T06:50:00.000-07:00

Is that Ben Stein?

Moron of the Month

2008-06-13T21:52:00.001-07:00

Consider the following: Even if all the planets somehow formed themselves, all somehow staying in perfect orbit and possessing gravity, even take for granted that all the chemicals needed for life were there as well, by sheer happenstance, would it then be possible for someone as stupid as Yomin Postelnik to spontaneously come about? Of course not. No fucking way.

The Stubborn Curmudgeon hereby grants Yomin Postelnik Moron of the Month.

The Earth Is The Center Of The Universe!

2008-06-13T21:27:00.001-07:00

Unicorns are Real

2008-06-12T15:41:00.000-07:00

(ROME) TSC Newswire: A deer with a single horn in the center of its head — much like the fabled, mythical, pink unicorn — has been spotted in a nature preserve in Italy, park officials said Wednesday.

A deer born in Italy with a single horn in the middle of its head has inspired comparisons to the mythical unicorn. "This is fantasy becoming reality," said Gilberto Tozzi, director of the Center of Natural Sciences in Prato, Italy. "Such anomalies among deer may have inspired the myth of the unicorn and have serious theologians discussing the evidence for Pastafarianism."