Ni-Kolie[coleee]

A million questions with the hope to inspire.

2008-07-03T21:56:00.000-07:00

What is life? And what's this meaning that we're here to serve?
Are we here to serve a purpose, or are we just here? Is there a higher power? Is there someone watching our every move? Someone who creates and shapes our destiny? Or are we just living? Beings on this planet to shape and bring about a mark on it like we will, similar but stronger then the species before us?
Is there a reason I'm here? And if so, is it something great? Is there someone who creates the path that I will fall upon? Is it all up to me? What happens if I die? Where will I go? What will I see? Will I just fail to exist? Will my brain continue to let me dream, or will death just seem like an endless second?
Will I ever find love? When? Do I know the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with? Who are they? Will I ever make enemies? Will I love my job? Why was I born into this body? Will people ever know my name? Why do I feel so alone and so different than everyone else? Is everyone like me? What was I before I was born? And why can't I remember anything before my 6th birthday? Can we not feel when we're young? Is our brain not developed enough to remember? To understand? Is theres something wrong with me? Am I different?
Is there a god? Is there an afterlife? Is there such things as ghosts? What about aliens? What if I was born in a different time? What will happen to the world in the future? Will I live to see myself have children and them to grow up?

There is so much uncertainty in just a few simple thoughts. You have to fight fear. You have to know why your here. You have to make goals, and beat them. You have to know what you want out of life and reach for it. You can't waste a single second. You can sleep when your dead. There's so much more that we're meant for. But we go through the day doing our stupid cookie-cutter things that we always do. We're resistant to change. We fight to let it overcome us, although we know its for the better. We've gotten lazier. There's now no need to leave your sofa for the simplest of things. Our bottoms will grow into the seat cushions them self. And eventually, we will become everything we fight against, everything we hate. We will become the sofa. Don't just sit there. Make something out of yourself. You deserve a definition. You need to be noticed. You want to be in the spotlight, but you're to afraid of what they would think. Fuck your parents, praise your friends. Forget your families, we're all on our own. There's no one to help us now, no one to watch our every move. We've grown. It's not like before. And you can't go back in time and fix those stupid mistakes. You live with the consequences. Thats why you have to live every second of the day not regretting anything you do. Don't waste any time, because you'll never know when any second may be your last. Don't take life for granted. Or the ones around you that care. Someone always cares. It's weather you take the time to talk back to them. Do you care back? We live. We grow. We jump over our obstacles, even if we trip and fall. Scrapes and bruises can heal.
Death is permanent. Death is forever.
There's always someone there for you.
I'm trying to inform people that life always goes on. It lives every day. Rises and sets with the sun. There's more than your own little world. What I want to do is to inspire people to take charge and make a difference not only in their life, but in the whole world. One small thing to help someone else can cause a world of change. Remember that. Even if you don't know why your here. Even if you don't think anyone's watching over you. Even if you think you create your own destiny... you need to look to the future.
Life is never hopeless. It always waits. Rises and falls like the turns and twists on a rollar coaster. It doesn't stop till its time for you to get off the ride. And who knows if it starts all over again. Who knows what happens. Live this life like its your only. Work through the pain and the sorrow, and the tears will someday bring you joy. Happyness doesn't come without a price. You have to work for it. You have to be all you can be.
Go out there and live.
<3Kolieface

Dirty Base, Baby I'm the Slave.

2008-06-30T18:48:00.001-07:00

I fight for the things I love. For the things I want.
I fight for my friends.
Because I love them. I need them. I want them.
They'll be here on Saturday, and I know that for sure that will be the happiest day of my summer. Them coming to visit me makes me fell like the happiest and luckiest girl in the world. Thats why I have a few surprises of my own for them when they get here. ;) The'll love me. Because, I love them.
I'm going to be doing some new sketches soon, and hopefully making a few more videos without my imovie failing. I finished the video for evan the other day, and my program crashed. There's no way though that I'm doing that whole video over again anytime soon. I might loose my mind.
Enough for today. I mean. Overall I'm in an okay mood right now. Considering.
Dude. I'll fight to the death. Tear me appart and I'll fight more.
Bitches better not mess with me cause I'll fuck that shit up.
kthx. <3Kolieface

Searched it once. Checked it twice. Rock hard.

2008-06-27T12:39:00.000-07:00

Beating Heart Baby - Head Automatica

Purely wonderful.
They have now become a favorite band of mine. Fucking hot.
Love it.

BTW. I'm getting read streaks in my hair because I can. If I don't go crazy now, then I'll have to wait till my next lifetime. My 20's for sure will be the craziest times of my life.
Pure Ownage.
<3Kolieface

Eyecandy. OMFG yum.

2008-06-26T23:44:00.000-07:00

Turn me on.

2008-06-26T23:02:00.000-07:00

So. I realized. I don't need a man right now to make me happy.
I don't want a man right now to make me happy.
I've got my candy. And for you, I've got a list of things that turns me on. ;)
Fuck yes. Bring on the rocker guys.

THINGS THAT TURN ME ON (All referring to guys. duh.)
Mohawks
Eyeliner
Skate Borders
Surfers
Dirty Language (fuck ftw)
Shaggy Emo Hair
Black rimmed glasses
Street Style
Drummers
Guitarists
Gamers
Sporty outdoorsy types
Riskyness
Funnyness
Talkableness
Dominance (sometimes. I'd love to be thrown up against the wall occasionally.)
Taller than me (not by too much. I don' t want to have to look up to someone more than a few inches. I don't want to have to stand on my tippy toes in order to kiss them.)
Not too skinny, but not too big.
Eyes that I can fall into
Nice hands
Cute noses
Hats (depending)

PURELY DELICIOUS.

edit: I swear to god, if i ever get a guy like the ones above this post...
he better be ready to be fucked out of his mind. omfg. you. have. no. idea. HOT. tbh, I need sleep. fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.
<3Kolieface

My prince will come.

2008-06-25T19:36:00.000-07:00

Momma help me I've been cursed.
Death is rolling in every verse.
I don't know what worths fighting for.

I wish for so many things. The breath to continue living every day, the strength to lift myself up off the floor. The thoughts of the unreachable love that only exists in my dreams. I shall one day have what I want and all this suffering will be pointless. Not to say I'm suffering exactly, but It's tough realizing that you have to only depend on yourself. I hang on other peoples every word. But only a certain few. The few that seem to never be around enough for me to bother. Then there are the few that I would rather not talk to, that seem to always be around. I guess that I'm like the people that hang on every word of mine... only to different people other than me. It's a cycle. I will not give in. I will have love. I will have it. Maybe not now.
It's only my fault that i feel attracted to a few certain people. A few people that I would like to spent the night lying in their arms. I don't talk to them much either. But really, its the summer. We're all working our asses off and we're far apart. Time can only tell. I don't want to read into people too much. But I know that I'd wait an eternity just to get a chance to prove my love. And waiting is what I shall do. No matter how hard times get. I know that when I talk to you there's a smile on my face. You always respond. And that lets me know you care. ;)
But silly me. Everything will work out in the end. A prince will come to me. From where right now, I'm not so sure. But that fact makes me smile.

RAMBLES. lol.
It's constant. I'm crazy. And I miss you.
<3Kolieface

Icy highs that contain all reason

2008-06-24T21:45:00.001-07:00

Some of my favorite lyrics.

If I gave you my lovin, would you take it.
If I opened my heart, would you turn the key.
Cause I knew from the start we would make it together.
You and Me - Uniting nations

Do live, Do you die, Do you bleed, for the fantasy.
In your mind, through your eyes, do you see
It’s the fantasy.
I am a machine.
No longer living, just a shell of what I dreamed.
The Fantasy - 30 Seconds to Mars

OTHER
Caring is Creepy - The Shins
Don't Panic - Coldplay

I knew love once, and I've been searching for it ever since.

2008-06-24T16:06:00.000-07:00

There's this kid. Not like any of the other ones I've mentioned before.
It's only fitting if I start off talking about him. He's inspired me to attempt to write a little bit better, and put hidden meanings into my work. Insanely artistic, his words are like poetry. I guess you could say I'm one to fall fast and this time is no exception.
As for the people i miss. For the ones I haven't talked to.
Their just insanely busy I believe. Or they've lost interest which tends to be the problem when I catch the interest of another. There are so many words spilling out of my mind onto this page, and the pages before that I never had the time to stop and say I'm sorry if I've ever hurt anyone. I'm sorry if I drove you away. My mind tends to run on one track. And the need to find someone and search out love is all I can help but thinking when I'm alone. I lack so much, but of everything that I wish I had love would be the most wanted. It's so hard when everyone around you is telling you that you're pathetic, worthless... you can't help but let those thoughts sink into your mind and stay there for a while no matter how many people tell you you're not. Words from the ones that are closest. The words that bother me most come from the family. A family that wasn't as strong as it used to be. One that picks at me, until every part of me is gone, until i have nothing left to give.
I realize that my words are all jumbled but im not used to writing in the more artistic form.. if thats what i can even call it.

I'm trying to stay calm and live life a day at a time. Waiting for love to come save me. Listening to others talking about how I'm so alone and my mind telling me that I need to get over it. I've never been in true full out love. I thought I had. But with Paul I had my regrets. With Craig I was just confused. The only time I think I had really been in love was a little more than a year ago. And people say it wasn't love, but it was stronger than anything I've ever felt. Moments of pure bliss before everything went bad. I was forced to give it up. And try with another. But I just wished I hadn't now. I wished that I hadn't given up, no matter how hard it was on me. No matter how insane I became. I realize now, that at one point I was in love with Phil. There was nothing I wouldn't do to have been in his arms. He wasn't much for cuddling or really anything that physical but i knew that I would honestly take a bullet for him. That I didn't think anything could stand in our way. And then it all went downhill. He was my best friend. And he still is. But at one point I know I loved him. And I have felt the longing to feel that way since.
In a world filled with so many people, I don't understand how I could possibly feel so alone.
<3kolieface

[x]

2008-06-24T13:44:00.000-07:00

I feel like I should do one of these things over.
I had it on my facebook from about a year ago, and let me tell you a lot has changed in a year.

THIS IS THE ONE I HAD:

[x] I'm kinda easy. (i wasn't thinking slutty easy... stupidly)
[x] When I walk by mirrors, I can't help but look.
[] When I walk by mirrors, I like what I see
[] When I walk by mirrors, I hate what I see.
[x] I wear a bra to bed
[x] I wear boxers/boy shorts to bed
[] ocassionally i sleep naked
[] I wear toe nail polish.
[x] I do wear make up.
[x] I have cried at a movie theater.
[never had a boyfriend] I've purposely talked to a guy my boyfriend didn't like.
[x] I love chocolate covered pretzels
[x] Getting flowers makes me smile, especially for no reason.
[] I've wrecked a car.
[x] I hate being blown off.
[] I can't put mascara on without opening my mouth.
[x] I'd do anything for that special guy
[it depends] I get jealous easily.
[x] I love hugging.
[x] I've gotten a detention.
[] I've gotten suspended.
[] I've gotten expelled.
[X] I love to laugh.
[x] I like rock.
[] I like death/grind/black metal.
[x] I like rap.
[] I like techno.
[x] I carry a purse everywhere.
[] I carry a bag everywhere.
[] I'd be lost without my phone.
[x] I'd be lost without my iPod/mp3/CD player/computer.
[x ] I own/did own a Spice Girls CD.
[x] I own/did own a Britney Spears CD.
[x] I own/did own a boy band CD.
[ ] Football isn't boring.
[x] I love athletic boys
[x] I love skater guys.
[x] I love punk guys.
[] I love gangsta guys.
[x] I love emo guys.
[] I love gothic guys.
[x] I love guys with long hair.
[x] Guys are confusing.
[] I've been called a slut.
[x] I've been called a bad influence
[x] lip gloss is better than lipstick
[x] I cant leave the house without makeup.
[] I just dont like to be infront of people
[x] I play video games, even when there are other people around.
[x] My friends are the best, and they're important to me.
[x] I would do anything for my friends.
[] I am going out with a certain someone right now.
[what is that supposed to mean?] I am not going out with anyone but i am with someone.
[] I smoke way too much
[] I drink way too much.
[] I am a member of FriendWise.com and love it.
[x] I have/want a tattoo
[] I have/want piercings other than my ears
[x] I have stuffed animal(s)
[] I have cheated on someone just to make them dump me first
[] I'm bi

THIS IS ME NOW:
[] I'm kinda easy.
[x] When I walk by mirrors, I can't help but look.
[] When I walk by mirrors, I like what I see
[] When I walk by mirrors, I hate what I see.
[] I wear a bra to bed
[x] I wear boxers/boy shorts to bed
[x] ocassionally i sleep naked (not completely. but somewhat)
[] I wear toe nail polish.
[x] I do wear make up.
[x] I have cried at a movie theater.
[] I've purposely talked to a guy my boyfriend didn't like.
[x] I love chocolate covered pretzels
[x] Getting flowers makes me smile, especially for no reason.
[] I've wrecked a car.
[x] I hate being blown off.
[] I can't put mascara on without opening my mouth.
[x] I'd do anything for that special guy
[] I get jealous easily.
[x] I love hugging.
[x] I've gotten a detention.
[] I've gotten suspended.
[] I've gotten expelled.
[X] I love to laugh.
[x] I like rock.
[] I like death/grind/black metal.
[x] I like rap.
[x] I like techno.
[] I carry a purse everywhere.
[] I carry a bag everywhere.
[x] I'd be lost without my phone.
[x] I'd be lost without my iPod/mp3/CD player/computer.
[x ] I own/did own a Spice Girls CD.
[x] I own/did own a Britney Spears CD.
[x] I own/did own a boy band CD.
[x] Football isn't boring.
[x] I love athletic boys
[xx] I love skater guys.
[x] I love punk guys.
[] I love gangsta guys.
[x] I love emo guys.
[x] I love gothic guys.
[x] I love guys with long hair.
[x] Guys are confusing.
[] I've been called a slut.
[x] I've been called a bad influence
[x] lip gloss is better than lipstick
[x] I cant leave the house without makeup.
[] I just dont like to be infront of people
[x] I play video games, even when there are other people around.
[x] My friends are the best, and they're important to me.
[x] I would do anything for my friends.
[] I am going out with a certain someone right now.
[] I am not going out with anyone but i am with someone.
[] I smoke way too much
[] I drink way too much.
[x] I have/want a tattoo
[] I have/want piercings other than my ears
[x] I have stuffed animal(s)
[] I have cheated on someone just to make them dump me first
[] I'm bi

Not too much different.
But I've changed a lot this year, and I'm thankful for that.
<3Kolieface

I'll take my time. We live. I'm here.

2008-06-22T20:45:00.000-07:00

...

I wish everything could be fine.
Just fine. Thats all I want.
I'm struggling to survive.
There's no way im staying here again next summer unless im forced to.
My job life is better than home.

I'm so fucking weird. I just feel retarded and hopeless. Even though everyone's going to say nooo your not. They don't know what I fucking go through. If you knew my family you'd understand why I'm going fucking insane. My brain is so confused whether i suck.. or don't... whether people care... or not. But you know what? I don't give a FUCK who cares about me. If you do, you're considered a friend. And guess what... i need to learn to be lonely. I need to get used to being single. I shouldn't care about love at this point in my life. I should just want to have fun. I'm in the middle though. And thats the tough thing. I don't want to fool around. I just want someone that can say. I'll always be there for you. No matter what. And as of right now. No one can say that. Not even one fucking person. NOT ONE. But I shouldn't care. Things can only get better. And the people who care about me are coming to visit me in two weeks. That will mean more than the world to me. I'll be so happy I bet you I'll cry. Just knowing that they would travel all this way just to spend two days with me has me shedding tears right now.
But I just need to learn to depend on myself. No one else will fully be there for me 100%. And maybe I won't find anyone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Maybe it's meant to be that way. I know... I'm not old enough to be thinking about that anywayyy. blah blah blah. I just feel like life is moving along without me. I'm being left behind. But I have my legs... and I walk along at a steady pace. I don't need another fucking person to carry me when I fall. I can carry myself. Carry myself all the way. Wherever I want to go. Independent. Like I always wanted. Fucking lonely. Like I didn't want. But you know... you can't get everything you want. And I'd rather have some of the best friends in the world than one person I can depend upon 100%. Sure... I may not talk to any of them every day, but I talk to them enough. Some days I go along not talking to anyone besides the people i meet at work. You know whattt tho. I don't fucking care. I don't need anyone else.
I keep getting those head pains too... like I talked about. Hopefully I'm not dying. If I am, maybe it's meant to be. idk. I just want to know that I lived for a purpose. Not just to sit here and blog about my lame life. My unreasonably stupid non-existent love live. And how I'm lonely and lame. I will make something more of myeslf. I will make a difference. I will know when I die that people will know me... because my whole life they've forgotten me. I simply just want to be remembered in a good way.
btw. JAMES... if you read this. PLEASE. You have kelly. I don't want to spend time alone with you. Sorry. Thats creepy. And not fair to her. You can't have me. You can never have me. I don't like you. YOU ARE JUST A FRIEND.
I have to say that to too many people.
But I have standards. Not for looks. For personality and creepyness. Sorry.
Perhaps, at some point in my lifetime someone that I want will actually want me back. My prince charming or not. It's not now. And it doesn't have to be. I'm free. I'm tied to no one. And honestly at this point, I'm not going to lie and say I like it... but I'm getting used to the fact. I'm forcing myself to like it. Just the way I'm forcing myself to like spicy food. Just for the guys. =) And you know what. It's working. I like med salsa now. I like spicy chicken stuff. It's not bad. Just like I made myself like pizza when I was younger. Now its okay. I like it. Not my fav. but I like it.
I also have to stop listening to depressing music.
I don't think I can generate enough tears to cry myself to sleep again.
My life isn't that bad. I'm not all alone. I've got my plants. And trust me. They really listen when I talk. They may not respond, but they listen. (plants actually grow bigger and quicker if you talk to them. proven fact. google it.)
The world will not end.
I will not die.
I'm here for you if you need me.
I'll always be here for you.
All of you.
<3kolieface

Pikachu Bread????

2008-06-21T21:18:00.000-07:00

Meet Emily.

She informed me that the world is not pure evil.
There is pikachu bread out there in the universe.
In Japan.

Anywayyyyy. I feel like a fucking idiot. I'm not a creep. I'm really just a normal girl. Who enjoys eating occasional pikachu bread (gotta order me some) and photoshopping random things. And writing obsessively in her blog because she finds it relaxing. It's not like I write an obituary or anything. THAT would be creepy. And. no. way. I'm not into death or anything. life life life. I can't even handle getting killed in a game for goodness sake. Somehow I always feel personally insulted when my character or whatever dies in a game.. or gets injured or something. I'm always like NOOOOOOOOOOOOooooo. *pout*
-------BREAKING NEWS-----
we interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you the latest breaking news.
Pat has declared his complexity. Meaning... I should stop trying to figure him out. But I'm a girl and thats what we do. But I shall stop trying to hard anyway.
----now back to your regularly scheduled program-----
Then the pig monster things come out from their cave and kill me right then and there. The game makes me go hunting for my body, which is so frustrating because half the time I don't know where then hell I die. Frustrating. You know... I'm just going to stick to drawing the characters from now on. Instead of being in the game. Im going to try to break away from my gamerisms. Except DotA. Thats fun. and free. so thats legal for me to play. And sims... but thats only acceptable when im depressed. Building fake little perfect families makes me so much happier. And making their houses catch on fire while there inside is just so entertaining. Trust me. You have no idea until you try it. The sims run to the fire and flail their hands in the air like OMGOMGOMGFIRREEEE. lets dance. Its mad funny and insanely annoying. But mostly mad funny. XD
Not over analyzing. I'm sorry. I don't care if this kid reads this. Hes fucking great. And I'm pretty sure he knows that by now.
Goodnight Pikachu People.
<3Kolieface

It's not a poem, It's not a rhyme.

2008-06-21T21:12:00.001-07:00

I'm not crazy.
I'm not obsessive.
I'm slightly sane.
I'm never tame.
I'm not what you wanted.
I'm hopefully more.
I'm in this game.
And I'm not looking for a tour.

I know how to play.
And I play hard.
When somethings on my mind,
It doesn't come off.
I like to write memories down.
And things to remember.
And I really like this car.... totally yummy.

I'll say what I say.
And there's no way.
I'll be anything but me.
<3Kolieface

Itunes RANDOM life soundtrack.

2008-06-20T21:18:00.000-07:00

I've always wanted to do one of these. According to Itunes randomness my life soundtrack is listed below. Some are insanely accurate... creepy.
I didn't tamper with this at all... and It was rather fun. I added some random ones at the end

Opening credits: "Human Rights" - Plastiscines
Waking up: "Smells Like Teen Spirit" - Nirvana
First day of school: "Mama" - Spice Girls
Falling in love: "Heart Shaped Coffin" - Rocket Me Nowhere (lovely.. ugh)
Fight song: "Boyfriend" - Ashlee Simspson
Breaking up: "In Between" - Linkin Park (SO approprite)
Prom: "She's Not Me" - Madonna
Life's just.....ok: "One In A Million" - Backstreet Boys (Um. wow.... arghh creepy)
Mental Breakdown: "42" - Coldplay
Driving: "Steady As She Goes" - The Raconteurs
Flashback: "Overprotected" - Britney Spears (again... true.)
Getting Back together: "I'm In Love With A Girl" - Gavin DeGraw (zomgyayyyy. love this song)
Birth of child: "Bombay" - Timbaland
Wedding: "Love is a Battlefield" - Pat Benatar (omg. <-- look at the name of the artist. creepy)
Finale Battle: "Going Under" - Evanescence (yay)
Death Scene: "Old Enough" - The Raconteurs
Funeral Song: "Giddy Up" - 'N Sync
End Credits: "Strawberry Fields Forever" - The Beatles

//////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Randoms.

Kim: "She Wants to Move" - N.E.R.D.
Mom: "Thats Not My Name" - The Ting Tings (My mom would hate this song. haha)
Dad: "Stupid Girls" - P!nk
Sam: "Beep" - The Pussycat Dolls (close to the brownie batter song. lol. randommm)
Burke: "I Believe You" - The Fold (good song)
Phil: "Sk8er Boi" - Avril Lavigne (um...)
Dave: "Main Theme" - Star Wars (luckyyy)
Criag: "You Should Be Dancing" - Bee Gees (my moms song on my itunes... grrr)
Russ: "Pills, Demons & Etc." - Velvet Revolver
Josh: "Ride of the Rohirrim" - LOTR Soundtrack
Evan: "Rock this Party (Everybody Dance now)" - Bob Sinclar etc. (I think this is a song i downloaded because it was a party song and reminds me of evan. lol. cute.)
Rob: "What I've Done" - Linkin Park (<3)
Teddy: "Round and Round" - Far East Movement & Storm (loveeeit.)
Katrina: "I love you" - The Pipettes (I really do love her. And I bet she'd love this song.)
Pat: "Gravity" - The Fold (sketch. approprite... so)
Doug: "Don't Stop the Music" - Rhianna (awesomeeee)

What I'd dance to in my Underware: "Come Baby Come" - K7 (I think i haveeee. lol)
Reveal my secrets: "Neon" - John Mayer
Crushing: "Hook me up" - The Veronicas

First One REDOOOO (I wanna see if its just as accurate.)

Opening credits: "Secrets" - Good Charlotte
Waking up: "Eenie Meenie" - Craig David
First day of school: "We're So Starving" - Panic At The Disco
Falling in love: "I Saw The Sign" - Ace Of Base (hahaha. omg.)
Fight song: "Great DJ" - The Ting Tings
Breaking up: "Jump On It" - Sir Mix-A-Lot
Prom: "Whatsername" - Green Day
Life's just.....ok: "Get Busy" -Sean Paul
Mental Breakdown: "My Brain is Hanging Upside Down" - The Ramones (wow.)
Driving: "Honeybear" - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Flashback: "Be Remembered" -KatDeLuna (um... ohhhhkayyy I didn't know i had this...)
Getting Back together: "My Moves Are White [White Hot]" - Cobra Starship (FINALLY!)
Birth of child: "My Humps" - Black Eyed Peas
Wedding: "Sexyback" - Justin Timberlake
Finale Battle: "Geek In The Pink" - Jason Mraz (mmm... geeky)
Death Scene: "Twist" - Goldfrapp
Funeral Song: "4 Minutes" - Madonna feat. Timberlake and Timberland
End Credits: "I'd Do Anything" - Simple Plan (reminds me of pat... actually.)

FIN.
END.

Garden State Comes to Life

2008-06-20T20:31:00.000-07:00

Is it really this late???
Yes. Yes it is.
ANYWAYYYY.

^^Here's the Andrew guy I mentioned in the last post for a minute. He does youtube videos and he's an artist from Canada. He has some great videos so check them out. And if you have a youtube account you should subscribe. =)

(Not to mention he's totally cute... lol)

But anyway. On to real life. Today was rather depressing. Setting up pegs and stocking crap at work. Thank god im almost done stocking stuff (the store opens on monday). I don't know what I'll do if i see another peg. Slam it down and go... BITCH. NO. I'M NOT HANGING THIS FUCKING THING UP. DO IT YOURSELF. But I'm getting paid.. so I don't really complain. Plus.. organizing stuff is relaxing. For some obscure reason. People think i'm weird... but I may just be a little odd. I swear. I'm weirder and odder online than I am in real life... Another reason why i'm sure I have only one youtube subscriber... I'm pretty insane. And Idk if im cut out for that shit. My camera sure isn't. so there.
Katrina's party is tomorrow. YAY. and after work im going to hit that up. It'll be fun. not her... her party. duh. LUV HER. okayyy.
I'm slightly jealous that the boys are at an iron maiden concert tonight probably moshing or whatever. I wish I was there... but I don't know who iron maiden is so.. i didn't go. yea. probably a good reason not to go to a concert. Lazyyy lazyyy day. work. home. eat. computer. computer. sit. tv. computer. and upstairs. and computer. So yea. nothing new. I'm worried about Pat, but I'm sure he can take care of himself. If he needed me he would have sent me a message or something but he didn't. So... no worries. I think im becoming slightly detached. I like him, and I still think about him a lot but im not as infatuated. Which is a good thing. I just want to go back to school and get the chance to hang with him.
okay. also. Idk if there's something wrong with me or strange or whatever... but I'm hearing sounds that probably aren't there. Insane high pitched ringing noises and beeps randomly throughout the day. Their rather soft but still annoying. Then I get random dizzy spells. (not when i stand up. but i know what thats like.) Dizzy spells as if something just passed right through me and is trying to drag my mind or brain or whatever along with it. ALSO. more of my head pains have been happening lately. It's so annoying... stupid and random but if you've seen garden state (the movie) it might make some sense. There was nothing wrong with the character in the movie, so there's probably nothing wrong with me but. Every once and a while.. randomly.. I'll get what feels like a lightning storm in my head. It only lasts as long as three seconds.. and its not always in my head. Sometimes it's in different spots. Most notably my right hand. It feels like a lightning storm in my head... and its so intense that i cringe and i can't think. can't move. or can't do anything for those seconds its going on. It's pretty odd. I wouldn't call it pain... per say... but it is kinda painful. its more of a surprise than anything. Idk.. maybe I'm suffering from radiation or something. ughhh. I hope i'll end up being telepathic or something cool. I try to ignore these things though, but they just keep coming back. Its mad annoying and I really want to know how to stop it. Without going to the doctor or the hospital.
Honestly, I really don't know what to do.
and no matter how hard I try, I still can't keep pat out of my everyday thoughts or dreams. I don't know why... its not like we hung out or anything... we just talked. But somehow I feel like I really know him. I feel like there's a connection there. And I like that. I like him. But I just want to take everything slow.
I can't afford to rush into things again.
And trust me. I don't want to.
<3Kolieface

Counting down the days till I see you.

2008-06-19T20:58:00.000-07:00

So.... this andrew bravner character has gone and made me a random youtube fan girl, which, I don't have to many of... youtube crushes, not fangirls duhhh. Anyhow, he's completely adorable. =P
So, on with real life. Today I had the day off from work, and I pretty much did nothing. YAY for nothinggggg. No, really... I didn't do like anything. I slept, I ate, I did a little laundry... here and there. Yay and nay. I get paid tomorrow though. I'm stoked about that. I bet the first thing I'll do is go out and buy magic cards... but i must resist. I can't give in to my geeky impulses. BAD. Athough, I do love it... and I am working on my angel deck... *ponders* NO. I musn't buy magic cards. I should save my money for my semester in London in a year. So I can buy things there... or better yet, I should get my shit for my halloween costume. Selene from underworld is going to be a hard thing to pull off, but I think i can do it. ;)
For boyssss and more life. People have climbed that wall I have put up... Josh being the first, Burke the second, Sam the third, Evan the fourth, Phil the fifth, Rob the sixth, and Pat the seventh... I kinda stopped counting after that. All i know is that pat imed me and he's trying. Working hard at working, but trying to talk to me briefly in the meantime. I'm not like a priority or anything so. I just like him. I think hes cute. And I wanna hang out with him. He seems to think I'm odd and crazy but I don't know how weird I actually am in person. I tend to be weirder online so... I'm sorry for all the people who think im a complete lozer and geek right now, cause I'm kinda not. geek maybe.. but not completely. I'm also more random online... and I'd rather be talking in person and chilling then typing pointless random words in a message box. When I like someone, I want to see them. And I like pat. Enough that I would spend however much money on gas for my car to drive and see him, even if its only for an hour. Hasn't happened yet, and idk if its bound to, but I sure wouldn't think anything other than me being crazy about this kid. I don't even know fucking why. Every word that popped up in that aim message box today had me going and doing the face. ^.^ the omg thats so cute scrinch my nose and giggle face. ARRRGHHH. idk why. He just makes me feel important a lot of the time. Not recently, but thats just probably because he's busy. He has a life. I don't. Thats the difference between us. God damn it. why do i not have a life. I like to think of myself as a somewhat attractive young lass... who... has a bit of a trouble getting and keeping guys.... and who wants one to kiss and cuddle with more than anything in the world right now. ... ahh. fuck. fuck fuck.
Life isn't fair. I always want what I can't have. Andrew is easy. ... accessible. .. and adorable... but why don't I like him? I what someone that has certain qualities. It's about the personality. He's fucking adorable... but when he went and got wasted and messed around with one of my friends I don't ever want to be around him ever again. I don't like to deal with people that get trashed out of their minds. Drinking a little is sexy. Getting trashed is not. And anyone to think otherwise needs to go throw themselves over a cliff.
I don't understand... It's not about the chase for someone... it's about the personality. I'm so lonely right now and I just want someone to cuddle and kiss, someone to tell me everythings going to be okay, but there's no one here at the moment. I could bring in someone inferior to what I would call my standards, but whats the point? In dating, I'm trying to find someone that I can live happily ever after with. Trial and error... basically. I don't know who, and I won't know for a while, but dating and getting to know people better will let me find that someone that I'm meant to be with. My prince charming. I could bring in someone who I know I wouldn't be good with, but I don't want to fuck with someone's life like that.
Everything that I'm looking for is worth waiting a few months for.
When we hang out, when we get back to school,
we shall see what happens.
But for now.
You're worth the wait.
You're worth the pain of being lonely.
Pat. You are.
<3Kolieface
(cheers to knowing you'll probably never read this. But it's okay. It's probably for the better.)

If there's beautiful love (song written by me)

2008-06-18T20:30:00.000-07:00

Actually set to music this time... lol.
(download at the bottom)

If there's beautiful love:::::

The quiets so disturbing
These thoughts are so unnerving
There's a blank spot in my mind that I can't fill

I have to world all to myself
Wishing I had someone else
Endless time to fill
Looking for a thrill
This heart can't take the painnnnn

If there's beautiful loveeeeee
If there's beautiful loooovveeeee
If there's beautiful love to believe in

Let me know
Let me go
Let me go
Let me go
(whisper): Let me in

-break-

There's sixty ways to go
And I'm certain I don't know
If there's a path to take
Where I won't break
Sign me up cause I will goooo

If there's beautiful loveeeeee
If there's beautiful loooovveeeee
If there's beautiful love to believe in

Let me know
Let me go
Let me go
Let me go
(whisper): Let me in

If there's beautiful loveeeeee
If there's beautiful loooovveeeee
If there's beautiful love to believe in

Let me know
Let me go
Let me go
Let me go
(whisper): Let me in

Download music track here: (im not on it. it's just the instrumental)
http://www.zshare.net/download/1384220538a7e039/

I'm trying to get it so I can try to record my singing voice... lol. I don't know how thats going to be yet, but we shall see. I have all the equipment.
(song instrumental is A Beautiful Lie - 30 Seconds to Mars)
a cover... i suppose... with my own lyrics.. what do you call that?

I've built a wall. Not to block anyone out, but to see who loves me enough to climb over it.

2008-06-18T15:44:00.001-07:00

I wish life was so much more simple. Everything now-a-days is so complex, including people. I really don't think of myself as a complex person, but after all, there's a lot I want out of life. I'm sure you're reading this thinking... oh this is just another pointless rant about hot guys and how she can't get any, keep any, or have any. And, no. Thats not all this is. I want to know what I want out of live. As of right now I've been lonely enough to know I don't want to be single forever. I love to be loved and I love to be in love. I want someone who will care and spend their time with me. Not all of their time, but. Someone decent. Someone who I want to spend forever with. I wanna be the girl that has the boyfriend that she's had for years. Thats not me. I've only had three relationships. The first one didn't really count as a relationship. it was more of a friendship. The second was so fucked up... thanks to both of us actually. and the third was just to awkward to handle. I want to feel happy, and loved and god damit. I can't help but ranting about this okay now... i can't help it. I don't want to go jumping at people, but I can't build a wall and block people out forever. I build a wall for whoever that cares enough can climb over it. The people that do, are considered my closest friends. I'd love to see who makes the effort first.... I shall update you with that. However. I talk to sammy, doug, rob, burke and phil almost every day, and everyone else seems to just ignore me. (cept katrina. love you girlie!) I don't really know what to think.
I can't read peoples minds, although I would completely love to sneak into peoples heads and see what they really think of me. I'm a geek. A freak. A loser. Am I annoying? I don't really know how I rub off on people. Cept that i complain alot... which is not good. I try not to.. i just need to vent to something when everything sucks. But. no more of that. I'm going to vent through music. The hardcore metal. The insane beats of techno. The lyrical melodies of mellow music. The drama of the rock hard punk. I'm going to listen to it all. Chill. Be me. If I'm having a bad day, I shall take it out on myself. On music. On my life. not the people around me. I'm supposed to be cheerful... and I'd like to keep my friends and rep as someone people enjoy talking to... if they do enjoy it. I don't even know anymore.
I want something to happen. I want to be happy. I want to know why the fuck i was put on this earth, and does everyone else feel the same. I want so many things. I have to know the hollow center of my existence. I must strive to make an impact in this world. Because I believe there is no next. I don't know what will happen except that I'll just die. No pain. No life. No joy. Nothing to cry about... nothing to complain. No food... no problem. I can't die now though. I was ment for bigger and better things. Greater things. Special things. I do believe.
I want a purpose to my life.
I want to feel like people give a damn.
I have to belong. I have to feel wanted. Needed.
And what I what I want in love right now just isn't working out. I don't know if it ever will. But there's always hope. There's a wall.
Bitches... you better make an effort to climb over it because I need you.
<3Kolieface

I can't depend on love.

2008-06-17T21:09:00.000-07:00

What if I wanted to break?
I can't depend on love. This heart is my own. And my own to keep.
This silver shadow is alone.
It's time to sing myself to sleep.

SO. FUCKING. SEXY. (this is what I want in a man)

2008-06-17T20:43:00.000-07:00

I fucking want him.
I fucking need him.
It's Jared Leto.

*gasm* I love these picture so much.... i can't describe in words. Looking at them turns me on. I like rocker boys... with eyeliner and backwards hats.... and those sexy smirks. THAT is what I want in a man, and I don't know if I'm going to get it... but I sure am going to try. Probably why I end up liking gay guys... (not all of them are gay. kthx) Idk.. I just think their wicked hot.
AND i realized that I want someone who cares about me... someone who actually wants to talk to me. Therefor, I'm not going to make any more of an effort with pat cause I'm pretty sure he doesn't really care that much. We'll see what happens when we go back to school. If he really cares, we'll end up going camping this summer, or he'll come to my birthday party. (Which I don't think either of them will happen.) But, hey... im going to try to be optimistic. I'm just so fucking creepy I always scare people off. damn it. It's okay... hes got his WOW. and I've decided to stop playing it, even though i think its REALLY REALLY fun. I'm at this one part and I keep dying but.. thats not the reason im stopping. 1. My trial is running out and Idk if I'm going to have the money to buy the game or the time to play it since im working every day this summer from 9-5. and 2. Because it was his game, and I started playing (NOT because he was playing) but because he could help me with stuff and because doug suggested it. PLUS i've never really played the game with him anyway. I'm to much of a noob. or a nub. whatever. I'm also going to stop using his words... aka. meep. cause thats not nice taking other peoples things.. even though people make an impact on me... i took ^.^ that from andrew... oops. I just need to learn to be myself... and like what i have to offer. and I do, but I just can't change because people around me are changing ... i can't change with them.. i have to change all alone. and figure out what i want.
UGH. what I want though is to not feel alone. Sadly, I know that I probably won't stumble upon anyone that I even remotely want to be with here in EL. I really do like andrew, but what katrina told me about him kinda changed my view on him. I really wanna see him but I know if I do I'll fall back under his spell. And I can't do a long distance thing. I just can't. Not now. Like burke said... i kinda want someone who loves being with me a lot. Not every second of the day but idk. I like someone i can talk to every day.. and maybe chill with for an hour or two. Going a day without talking is just not acceptable in my mind when someone is dating another person. Its all about communication. and Idk if the guys I pick out just suck at that or I'm the one who sucks at it.
Idk. I just attract the wrong kind of guys. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. And I want what I can't have, and the guys throwing themselves at me I don't want. Idk... if the right guy decided to throw himself at me... i totally wouldn't mind. But I suppose I have to chase one down. I'm starting to think all the good guys are either taken or really hard to get. I just want someone who's into me. Idk whos going to read this. I don't really care. I know... pat won't. evan won't. dave wont. russ won't. josh won't. doug might and craig might... rob won't. brian won't. sammy might. and burke might. =) I just want to be happy. And all i want right now is to not feel sad, depressed and lonely.
And I know I'm in a ditch rotting this summer waiting for my prince charming to come.
Wondering how late he'll be. Will he let me rot in the mudd...
Will he travel to save me? What will happen?
Only time will tell... and i have to keep looking on the bright side, even though there isn't much hope.
I love you Jared Leto. You're fucking sexy. Even if you are 30.
*sigh* <3Kolieface

WOW? sure. I'm scared of my own fucking shadow. !! ahhh

2008-06-15T17:53:00.001-07:00

There is honestly nothing to do.
Today was so lame and waking up at 6:45 I wasn't too excited to get to work, but you know what... it wasn't TOO bad and I made money so... yay. ugh tho. I feel like passing out and sleeping, but I know I won't be able to fall asleep yet. And plus, pats on and im... kinda talking to him. He's playing wow.. so maybe that doesn't count. but. Idk. maybe I'll play for a little while... Yea... I think I'll do that. :P
ugh..... nothinggggggggggggggggggg.
I keep dying.
<3Kolieface

skin and bones.

2008-06-14T15:19:00.000-07:00

Ugh. Work. Idk.. it wasn't that bad, but I definitely couldn't do that every day. NO way. And I don't know how pat does it. He's a superhero. It's what happened after that got me upset. I walked over to staples to get the car from kim after I was done working.
THERE WAS NO GAS IN THE CAR! I could barley get home. messed up.
I came home, and there was no food either.
I'm seriously going to starve to death.
<3Kolieface

And I repeat... I had a dream!

2008-06-12T23:41:00.000-07:00

Something strange is going on...
Today, while playing wow i was looking around... my little elf was jumping through a gremlin infested cave or something of that nature and a bunch of stuff attacked me and I died. Yet, again. ugh. I am level 9 though. =) <-- Happy face.
So, I'm sure you've heard enough of this kid that I like. Well, I officially have a name for him now. I'm going to call him Pat. Instead of his nickname lando, cause thats not really formal enough, and plus pats cuter and lando reminds me of that guy from star wars... ANYWAY. So, I like this kid... and last night, I had this dream. I had this dream the night before but it was part of the one I had last night. Kinda. Sorta. yea.
So it was the first day back to school and I had just finished moving in and helping all the guys next door in (it'll probably be the other way around.. but okay) and my room mates were somewhat there, and some weren't. Idk where they were... they were in their rooms or something. So I asked Pat if he wanted to come over to dinner and that I would make something. So, for dinner we had something I can't really remember except that it was really delicious and then I decided that I wanted to make a cake. Pat was standing by the counter and I was reaching to get some powdered sugar. I got the box of sugar and realized that it was open so I rolled my eyes and stepped back onto the ground fully. ONLY. There was something there. I slipped backwards and fell on my butt. Meanwhile, the powdered sugar in the box in my hand went flying to the floor and exploded all over me, the kitchen and the floor. I sat on my bum covered with a large dusting of white powdered sugar, and Pat was standing by the counter laughing. (It was so cute. lol.) I was smiling in my "I can't believe I just did that" way and Pat helped me to my feet. Once on my feet, he laughed again while I tried to dust off my pants. My face was covered in white powdered sugar. Then.. (Okay. this is the dream part...) He lifted my head up and kissed me. (lol.) Then continued with "mmmmm. delicious." (I honestly think I've been reading to many fan fictions or watching to many movies or something because real life, is not like that. No matter how much I wish it was. lol.)
It's funny and cute, the places my brain will take me... not even I know.
I missed him today. His text messages made me smile from ear to ear.
And I thought of him while making and eating my funfetti cake.
I'm going to make him one. And give him a massage.
Just like I said I would.
<3Kolieface

Because THIS was a good day.

2008-06-11T22:43:00.001-07:00

I'm still talking to this kid. The crazy one. The amazing one. The one that makes me smile more than anyone else. AHHHH. he's adorable. I'm sorry.... I'm getting a bit carried away. OMG. there are wolves outside my window, and I kinda don't like them. ANYWAY. I read the harry potter prequel today and I have to say, I do wish that it was a whole book, but otherwise it was fairly good. mmmm omg cute. sorry... im so add. randomnessssss
today was a good day. I waited to talk to him for a bit, i went out and shoveled, I smiled, I laughed. I laughed some more. And now I'm apparently the girl... with the boobs, over there. lol. I don't mind. It's cute. and sexy and awesome. omfg. I'm sorry. wow. yes. I play that.
Sorry, I need to stop now, I think im going insane.
<3Kolieface

Meep.

2008-06-10T17:52:00.001-07:00

The world isn't as bad as a place that it seems. I know I just need to keep my head up and chill out. Summer will go by quickly, even though every day seems like an eternity. The weeks seem to blend, and there's only a few people that seem to be keeping me alive.
Thank you
Sammy
Lando
Burke
&& Doug
You guys are totally awesome, and I know I can always talk to you about everything thats going on, even though sometimes I don't and decide to hold everything in. But, there's one person I have taken a liking to more than anyone. I talk to him every day and I know he's the one person that can always make me smile when I'm feeling down. A message from him brightens my whole day, making it go by quicker and seem less intense. I stay up late just to get a chance to chat with him every night. I want to see him more than anything in the whole world, spend a few hours by his side. Because we've never really hung out before. I know it may seem kinda weird, but I know him from school, but we've only hung out in a group once or twice. He's friends with my girlie Leah, which makes me really happy, who I miss as well. Alot. Anyway... I don't ever want to loose him because he's the only one that turns this frown completely upside-down without even saying a real word. (meep) lol. I've talked to him so much I feel like i've known him for the longest time. We are so similar in every way its quite scary, and he's not want he seems to be. He's so much better and deeper than people think he is... he's someone who actually gives a fuck. someone who cares. And I need that in my life.
I guess you could say its a crush. ;)
<3Kolieface.

Make a Wish.

2008-06-09T22:20:00.000-07:00

I wish I had more friends.
I wish I didn't suck.
I wish manwhores would stop hitting on me.
I wish someone loved me....
I wish I wasn't always alone.
I wish I didn't have to cry myself to sleep so much.
I wish I was happier.
I wish people would accept me for me.
I wish I had a job.
I wish I never did anything wrong.
I wish the right people liked me.
I wish my computer wasn't my best friend.
I wish that my parents could show they cared.
I wish I wasn't so far away.
I wish there was no such thing as summer break.
I wish real life was like the movies.
I wish gas wasn't so expensive.
I wish I lived in england.
I wish I had someone to cuddle with.
I wish my life was more interesting.
I wish more people read this.
I wish people knew me.
I wish I wasn't a freak.
I wish I was skinnier.
I wish I didn't pretend im so stupid.
I wish I wasn't so boring.
I wish I wasn't average.
I wish I was a better person.
I wish someone cared.
I wish someone could say they'd always be there.