Comedy Diva Diaries

2006-06-20T15:08:00.000-07:00

Darlings
Through sheer neglect I have let this site become a social experiment!! People - or shall I call them web parasites? - have made comments linking to new sites of their own - filled with what I can only guess is unsavoury material. I therefore have deleted them and denied them the opportunity to do so.

I apologize to all my dear readers who have found me through various recreational humour sites. I must let you know that a book deal is pending, and therefore I have not posted funny tidbits here because I would rather you buy the book.

Ta for now,
CD

Rent me a Greek

2005-04-28T00:37:00.000-07:00

Hello darlings,
Yes, I am long overdue to update by fabulous diary!! I am so sorry to keep you waiting. But I have had no time to blog. I am obsessed with several reality television shows and on a weekly basis find myself overwhelmed, nay devastated, by the results.

Tonight, for example, I am crushed that Connie was ousted from Idol while ugly pig-boy wife-beater Scotty remains. I am literally lying on the kitchen floor, licking the linoleum. Yes, I am THAT upset. I spilled just a teensy bit of liquor and it doesn't go to waste in my house. I don't even have the energy to tell you that I am a finalist in a big time comedy competition. (No it is NOT on television, but hey wouldn't that be a great idea! Any bigwig TV producers out there, contact me immediately.) Or that my previous musings are about to become a book. (No really.) Or that I have a starring role in an upcoming-brand-new-knock-your-socks-off-Mega Musical. (Would I kid about something like that?)

I am not merely a Comedy Diva, I am my own reality show. I am very competitive in most situations, for example in the midst of a BOGO sale, I took out a four-foot tall Nun
who was between me and a pair of mandarin-floral mules.

Instead of celebrating however, I am crying a little inside, for where will I get my weekly eye-phuk now that Connie is off the tube? (And you do know what I mean, girls.) I only found out today that I am part of a gigantic tribe of Connie-lovers. Apparently there are millions of (ahem) slightly more mature women who are utterly infatuated with the Big Greek God. But for some reason were unable to dial his number with their damn little manicured fingers. Where were you ladies? You have let us ALL down.

Now I can only cheer weakly as elderly Grethedith make it to the final four on AR. Watching her ramble on and get lost while Hubby stands by stoically bewildered does not get me hot, but it does remind me of my parents, which is nice, because then I don't have to visit them.

Anyway, I have run out of Kleenex and am spilling hot tears on the keyboard - or is that cold vodka? Yum. Must go. Promise I'll write again and much sooner.
Yours,
Comedy Diva

Or I Could Work as a Stripping Granny...

2004-10-29T15:30:00.000-07:00

So much to tell you I don't know where to begin. I will just share random thoughts from my brain and trust it will be as entertaining as always.

First of all, gentle readers, beware of Bob, the guy who stole my blogspot. He is now using it as a link to porn, which doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I mean, doing standup is little bit like being naked on stage, especially when your act blows...My career has had its low moments, but I've never stooped that low before.

Speaking of stand-up, I had three gigs recently and I killed at all of them. Well, I did forget my jokes twice, but that is natural when you are doing new material. I am not a hack that tells the same jokes for a decade. I am always experimenting and growing as an artist. Just ask the twelve people who were at the coffee shop I played. It is not the size of the room that matters, darlings. It is the size of the laughs.

I did a theatre audition as well and have a callback coming up next week. I am supposed to play a woman much older than myself, which I could take as an insult. Instead, I will take it as a tribute to my talent. The director believes I could play an attractive, incontinent senior citizen, and I will be happy to rise to the challenge.

Oh, and did I mention that I got an email to go work on a cruise ship in the Caribbean next month? Looking out the window, it is cold and rainy. Would I like to get some laughs and get a tan at the same time? You bet. I am sure you poor office-dwelling cretins are feeling bitterly jealous at this moment. I don't blame you. It is hard to be me.

On the other hand, I just received my credit card bill and got my Halloween fright. I am maxed out and a bit cash-poor these days. Comedy may be fun but it pays peanuts, and it doesn't come with a dental plan or a pension. You may be shackled to your desk in utter boredom, but at least you have something to look forward to come retirement. Me? I'll be telling jokes at the Old Folks Home in return for jello and medication.

Ah, yes it is glamourous to be me. Here is a parting joke to warm your cockles:
I love to go window shopping. But then, where do you put them all?

My Fabulous Life

2004-10-07T14:46:00.000-07:00

Well darlings I am long overdue in writing and telling you about my fabulous life as a comedienne. Especially since my nemesis, Bob, says the OTHER Comedy Diva site is 'under construction'. HA.

Anyhoo, I will tell you about this past week. I did a call back for a musical. It started with a dance call, which was a bit of a surprise. They should TELL you these things or else you end up dancing in pantyhose and sweating off your make-up. 'Nuff said. I was there all morning, waiting to be called, practising my song and -ahem- reading the script. Darlings, it simply wasn't AVAILABLE before then, and really who cares about the silly plot? I was quite eager to read for the role of the Lesbian Reporter. Unfortunately, the demented director was considering me for the role of the Retarded Nine-Year old child. I AM NOT KIDDING YOU. I am a tall woman, and although I am not short on ambition, I would not cast myself as a 9 year old child. Besides which, I have a massive bosom. So four hours later I sang my little song for them, and they said, "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out." God, what are these people thinking? Clearly I am meant to play LEAD roles or nothing at all. In this case, I am taking nothing.

Then I had dress rehearsals and the opening of a musical. A different one. In which I play a lead role, that of a Lesbian Nun. I TOLD you I had this gay-thing down pat. Well, I hate to be modest and so I won't be: I was FABULOUS. I got huge laughs, except for the times when my fellow actress stepped on them. That is a technical term used in comedy. When the audience is just about to laugh, but an actor speaks too soon and cuts it off. Actors who work primarily in DRAMA or FILM do this ALL the time because they don't know any better and it is very frustrating to people such as myself who are busy earning the laughs. Anyway, I KNOW I was funny because the producers handed out little surveys to the audience, and I snuck a peak at several (but did not stoop so low as to FILL out one myself- reallly I am not that desperate even though no one would recognize my handwriting) and over and over people put down ME in response to the question "what is the best part of this play?"

Big opening night parties, champagne, roses, blah blah blah ... and then on my DARK night I did an improv performance. Yes, there is no rest for the talented. The show was Long Form improv, which is not those silly games you see Drew Carey attempting, but Long Form: Genres. That means you emulate different kinds of film styles in an improvised movie. I played a 1940's dame with lots of wink-wink innuendo and jargon. A sci-fi flick followed (yes, groan...) and then a Romantic Comedy, where I embodied the spirit of a young Meg Ryan, before she ruined her face with all that collagen. Big Laughs were had by all, especially my poor cast mates, who had a hard time keeping up with me and my quick wit. Yes, I was On Fire, another technical term in comedy, it means you are Hot, which is a good thing, as Martha might say.

The NEXT day I helped a director out with his callbacks for a play he is directing. I got to read lines with all the best dramatic actors in town. And didn't their eyes pop when they saw me? It is a total status thing to be in the room with the director. Because the other actors assume that you are already cast in a role OR that you have the ear of the director, and can make or break each person's chances at getting hired. Which, of course, is true. The actors who DIDN't shake my hand, I read in a monotone or bad dialect and purposely tried to make them look bad. Which wasn't hard. Most dramatic actors are so boring you just want to kill yourself the minute they open their mouths. They can only do two things: whisper or shout. And nobody can cry on the spot, that seems to take weeks of Method research. Ha. Then the director took me to dinner, I told him who I would hire or not, and, grateful for my input, he offered me a role in a different play he is directing next year!! A comedy, thank God.

That night after the show, I rushed out to do stand-up at a local club. Yes I was hilarious. And the next night, after the show, I went salsa dancing. Who was there but a famous comic actor, a guy who I am not free to name. I had no idea he could dance! I plan to stalk him - I mean stake him out the club- and dance with him next week. In this business it is ALL who you know, and if I can swivel my pelvis with a VIP who has his own TV show, you bet I am going to do that!

What else? That should be enough for a week in an actor's life. I am exhausted just thinking about it. Must go get a latte. Today I already updated my websites, tomorrow I will update my resume, and then - oh my gosh - I totally forgot - the reviews of my musical should be out. Must go darlings, keep well!

There's an imposter!

2004-07-15T13:49:00.001-07:00

Hello darlings, I have bad news. Apparently some weasel named Bob stole my url back in April. Bob, I sincerely hope that you are a publicist or an agent for a wonderful Comedy Diva somewhere in the world, because my nom de plume certainly does not suit you.

I am a teensy bit angry because this url - my original url - is listed on a whole bunch of search engines as a Funny Blog to Visit. I don't care. I have these two new urls, and a book coming out, so really, who has the last laugh? Not you dear Bob, because as far as I can tell, you haven't written a single joke.

Anyway, dear fans, now you know where to find me. At www.comedydivadiaries.blogspot.com and NOT at www.comedydiva.blogspot.com, that is just boring old Bob.

Soon I will regale you with humorous anecdotes from the world of showbiz, but at the moment, I am still a bit vexed and in need of a starbucks fix.

2004-07-04T12:46:00.000-07:00

I give up! Two requests to support and I am unable to repost to my original url. It says it is taken - yes by me!! Sorry, fans.

2004-06-24T13:59:00.000-07:00

Oh, dear I just realized I am using a different url! These addresses are now both mine. (I suppose my lawyer will be pleased.) The old site:
www.comedydiva.blogspot. com
and the new one
www.comedydivadiaries.blogspot.com
Visit both I am bound to update one of them and eventually figure out how to link them! Help.

2004-06-24T13:32:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, fans can contact me at mscomedydiva@hotmail.com. Please no spam or naughty offers. I get enough of that at home.

Comedy Diva Diaries

2004-06-24T13:20:00.000-07:00

Darlings, how I missed you! I have to apologize for my absence, but you see I have a marvelous excuse. I have a publishing deal! That is correct, The Comedy Diva Diaries will be coming to your nearest bookstore. Oh yes, I have trademarked and copyrighted the title up the ying-yang - since 2001 when I first started writing for you, my adoring public. So then, on the advice of lawyers, I took the whole shebang off the web, and I have been busy with just a tiny bit of rewrites. That and a round-the-world cruise. Yes, I do live a glamorous life.

But today I was surfing the net - trying to see if anyone has stolen my moniker, to be honest - and I discovered that my blogspot is on all kinds of lists! Around the world too! Best Humor Blog lists and Joke Site lists, and Visit This Site for Your Smile of the Day lists, and so on. So of course I feel terrible that legions of fans have been looking for me and I have been nowhere to be found. Hence my presence, whew. Like I said, I am so sorry. I will check with my lawyer/agent/publisher and see if I can at least put a few jokes or anecdotes on this site until the whole whirlwind media tour for the book launch begins. Until then, thank you for visiting, I missed you so.