Long Distance Infertility

Floundering

2009-07-14T05:04:00.003-04:00

I considered writing failing, but things aren't quite that bad yet.

The fusspot was up every hour again yesterday night. Make that 5 nights running.

It is getting harder to talk to JD about the situation. First of all, he feels terribly guilty that he can't be here with us and he worries endlessly about me. And then, he does not really share my interest for reading parenting books or talking to other parents about parenting in the abstract, so he just tends to take as truth my statements about different options.

My mother e-mailed me again to say that she talked to a colleague who did CIO, not that she's giving me any advice mind you, and it worked great! Of course, my mother also e-mailed last week to remind me that it was the fusspot's 7-month birthday. Because she trusts my ability to multi-task and remember little things like when I gave birth, that much (It really did make me laugh to open that e-mail).

And then I called my lactation consultant, who is awesome and a big advocate of attachment parenting, and she confirmed some of my worst fears: this might be the fusspot needing to reconnect with me after daycare. She might actually be getting traumatized by being put in a crib and left to cry at daycare (let alone the propped bottles which bothers me to no end ... I understand not having the time to rock/sing/talk all the babies to sleep but seriously - bottles should not be propped. Ever.) So she recommended I drop everything and get into bed with the fusspot when she goes to bed and see how that works. And I'd love to but ... I need to make baby food, do laundry, cook my food, send work e-mails (I have no internets at work during the day) ...

So I did all of that and nursed the fusspot every time she woke up. And I am exhausted. Really, truly exhausted. And the worst part is that my work is incredibly hard this month. It takes tons of concentration and even when I'm totally focused there are days that I get absolutely nothing done. The work will get easier in time, but for now I really feel like I'm floundering. Unable to both devote enough time to nursing/cuddling the baby and the very minimal housework* that gets done around here and be awake for work. And so tired that I dropped the fusspot at daycare this morning and then came home to get ready for work, when I know it would be better for her to have a shorter day at daycare and spend some of the morning home with me. But I am just too tired to balance a needy baby and the little tasks I'm doing at home.

I know this was going to be hard, but it wouldn't be that different from living in NYC with JD working all the time if it weren't for this awful sleep regression. So I'm really hoping it will pass soon.

I do get asked quite often why we did not wait to start a family (especially since it was hardly accidental). And I was thinking about it while feeding the fusspot. If the cycle we got lucky had not worked, we would have possibly had one more cycle with injectables and if that hadn't worked we were all scheduled for IVF in July and then another round at the end of August (if either of those had worked they would have been a disaster for my funding because I would have had to interrupt 2 grants rather than shift them) and if that hadn't worked ... I would have come back to Europe last year alone. And I would have just finished my research and returned to the U.S. in June and we'd be cycling right now. So instead of having a beautiful 7-month old, I'd be doing the labwork for a new clinic and thinking about IVF in August or September. And yes, my research would be done and I'd be living with JD, but the earliest we would be dreaming of a baby would be 1.5 years after the fusspot's grand arrival (sorry if that makes no sense - there were all sorts of restrictions on when and where we could cycle from my work, JD's work, insurance which doesn't cover IF treatments but DOES cover basic labwork and some ultrasounds, etc.) And I would have been miserable waiting an extra year and a half to find out if we could get pregnant. And I would have spent most of that waiting time alone, thousands of miles from my friends and husband. So am I glad that we did not postpone? Absolutely and unconditionally. I just wish my beautiful baby would sleep a bit more tonight.

* While I might normally just skip vacuuming, dusting, etc. for a week or two (who am I kidding? a bit longer than that) I'm pretty sure that this apartment is old enough to have lead paint. And it is peeling in a couple of places. So I REALLY need to keep up with the cleaning.

Sweet but sad

2009-07-12T18:27:00.004-04:00

The fusspot says good-night to her daddy. She is grinning (and only swaddled from the waist down!) because he is singing her his good-night song ("Sleepy-sleepy baby go to sleep." I don't think there's a second verse).

I can't believe he's only been gone a week. Of course, I also am slightly suspicious that there is some conspiracy theory behind the fusspot getting her first real cold almost immediately after he left.

On the weekends I have started calling him and talking to him when I nurse her to sleep - just like I would in New York. She does the same back-and-forth-great-tennis-match moves as she would if we were in the same room. And she has finally noticed his face 'in the computer.' Very sweet, but not exactly ideal parenting conditions when you have a cold, hard laptop on the far side of the bed (the very side of the bed we're still avoiding ...)

And it rained ...

2009-07-12T10:47:00.001-04:00

all day long. Until 4:30 pm. I think I'm going a bit crazy.

We did make it out to the supermarket at least. Of course, not that the two closest ones are open on Sunday. Because it's Sunday of course.

Yesterday night the fusspot was only up about 6-8 times. I tried giving her a bottle of pumped milk, I tried rocking her, I tried turning the lights on and waking her up fully and then putting her back to bed ... and then I just gave in and nursed her. every. single. time. she. woke. up.

All recent signs are pointing to just a nice daycare cold, and no sign of teeth.

I worry that I bore even myself.

It can only get better tonight ...

2009-07-11T14:52:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure how many times the fusspot woke up last night because I lost count after ten. But it was about 6:30 am when she was eating (again) and I realized I was cold. And so was she. [Cue music of doom].

Never even crossed my mind that having a baby eat all night long, regardless of the explanation, might just result in a leaky diaper. See, my beloved cloth diapers have never leaked at night so I just didn't think to change her. Which is why I woke up in a large wet spot. She'd leaked through her diaper, warm pajamas (when will it be summer here?) and swaddler.

And it was shabbos and cold and rainy. And I only have one set of sheets. [Cue more music of doom]. Which is to say that the fusspot and I will be sleeping on the far side of the bed and avoiding a certain area now delicately marked with a kitchen towel until the sun comes out and I can both wash and hang dry my only sheets in a single day.

Hoping for a better night and a bright sunny day tomorrow. And thank you all for your suggestions. I think, Io, when you suggest whiskey in milk that's code for me to kick back a few on behalf of the fusspot? And Connie (who sadly has not yet started a blog of her own) - I am absolutely going to take you up on your offer if I can't convince my mother to bring me teething biscuits and a huge-costco-size box of Cheerios in addition to the numerous other items on my shopping list for her when she visits next month.

No luck

2009-07-10T15:34:00.001-04:00

The fusspot has been in bed for 1 hour and 40 minutes. I have now nursed her back to sleep 4 times. This must be teething, right?

New (sleep) plans

2009-07-10T10:56:00.003-04:00

Was it really just a few weeks ago that I was posting about how I wished everyone would stop asking about the fusspot's sleep patterns and that I was just.fine. waking up during the night with her?

Well, I was. Until she was up every hour for 2 nights straight.

So now I solicit advice of all sorts.

To start with, we cosleep and I'm not (yet) interested in anything related to CIO (nor do I get how it works since her crib is directly next to the bed, even when she's not in bed with me). After extensive googling, I have identified the 2 best explanations for her behavior:

a. teething. Nothing to be done about that. I'm suspicious since she's allegedly been teething for 3 months now with no sign of anything. She did however chomp down on my breast twice this morning.

b. reverse feeding. Perhaps your baby just needs more snuggle time with you?, LLL says comfortingly ... and kellymom suggests that I should grin and bear it (which I was when she only woke up every 3 hours). I am worried this may be the real culprit because the fusspot has only been taking 2 bottles (8 oz total) during an 8 hour day at daycare. I am highly suspicious that they prop bottles, and this is why she's not eating there (as in, I've seen them prop bottles for the 3 month old but explicitly told them not to for the fusspot and also repeatedly asked them to try and feed her a 3rd bottle). So, my new action plan: offer boobies every single hour from when she gets home until bedtime. Screw letting her stay a bit hungry for solids, I want to get the high calorie stuff in her as much as possible in the evening. We're also starting solids at daycare next week (I innocently asked how I should pack them since I'm serving her defrosted stuff from the freezer and Ms.-American-Idol-wannabe gave me a rather puzzled look and said "We just make it here. It's not hard you know, you just put fruit or veggies in the blender." So we'll see how that goes next week - I do have to remember to try applesauce this weekend since it's a high-risk for an allergen and apparently on the menu for next week ...)

Any and all other advice on how to get a co-sleeping baby to sleep for more than 60 minutes at a time at night is much appreciated (and for the record, she does sleep plenty in total. Last night she was in bed at 8 pm and we didn't get up till 9 am except for our quick dash to move the trash at 6:59 am precisely).

processing

2009-07-09T17:49:00.002-04:00

I got the e-mail tonight. The one that is as close as I am ever going to get to being an aunt. My cousin (only cousin) just had a baby. A beautiful, healthy girl and everyone is well.

And I'm thrilled for them. Thrilled because as recently as August (when we last saw them) they were still debating whether to have children. Thrilled because it was a healthy pregnancy. Thrilled that the fusspot will have a cousin her age to play with (and surprisingly also sharing her racial identity). It's just that ...

I'm never going to be an aunt. And I've always wanted to be one. JD is an only child, and my sister is infertile. And while she may be "over it," I am still mourning the loss.

Of course, even as I write this, I realize that it's quite possible to be an aunt without the biological connection. My "aunties" are aunties by choice, not because of our family ties. But I also know that friends come and go, we'll move several times in the upcoming years, and at least if I was an aunt I could be sure that I would get to see someone else's children grow up from infants to adults. And I guess I'd also have more of a relationship with my sister if we either had infertility or children still in common.

Going to bed early tonight

2009-07-09T11:14:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow is a BIG day around here in my little neighborhood. A big, exciting day. Tomorrow is garbage day!

Yes, I know. Allegedly the garbage is collected twice a week around here. But we have a little problem. It is illegal to put your trash out before 7 am (and I have a rather watchful, elderly landlord - although a true gentleman. He is definitely of a different generation. After we signed the lease he told me that he would have invited me over to tea in a previous year, but since his wife passed away and he's alone and JD is away, he didn't think it appropriate anymore. Very sad but charming) and the garbage truck drops by right around 7:01 am (or possibly a few minutes earlier but far be it from me to lob unsupported accusations).

Trash not allowed out before: 7 am
Collected: 7:01 am
Result: We have 3 weeks of garbage bags neatly stacked in the kitchen. Funny math, I know, since we've only been in this apartment for a week and a half. It seems that JD missed garbage collection at our temporary sublet and had to carry several full garbage bags from said apartment to our new place. A new, more mature type of "walk of shame." And despite being a cloth-diapering-recycling type family, the fusspot's daycare sends her home in a disposable everyday and ... it will be good to finally get rid of 3-week-old dirty diapers in the kitchen. I'll just put it this way: if we miss garbage collection again in the morning, I'm seriously considering moving the pile of bags to the closet.

My goal is to set alarm for 6:58 am, get up at 6:59 am, grab fussy baby (the alarm wakes her every time and there's no way I'm leaving her home alone, even if I am just walking to the end of the street) and run out the door with the trash at least every 2 weeks from now on (or at least till it gets a bit colder and things start to reek a little less ...). We aim high around here, don't we?

Oh yeah

2009-07-08T16:55:00.004-04:00

I almost forgot.

You might be wondering exactly where I am (hi Ms. J!). I'll never say ... but you can click over to the fabulous' Kate's blog Bee in the Bonnet to find out ... and yes I've given you a link to the post where she talks about me because she says such nice things, but you must look at the photo in her most recent post ...

And for the record, I don't exactly live in the city mentioned, but in a small provincial city about a half hour away. But if you're ever in said big city, send me an e-mail. I am definitely in need of real, adult conversation. And do tell me if you'd guess somewhere else (longtime readers may remember I was in this city both last January and when I found out I was pg last year).

Market day and drinks on the playground

2009-07-08T16:33:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I wonder if the exchange rate is turning me into a depression-era mom. Today I rushed out of work a half hour early, basket on my arm (ok, bookstore tote, but still ...) so that I could find the best end of the day bargains on fruits and veggies. And then at 9 pm I started steaming and pureeing them ... so that by tomorrow morning I will have a freezer full of baby food (yes, full. It's not the largest freezer). I can't tell you how excited I was to find sweet potatos at market since all 4 supermarkets in walking distance don't stock them 'out of season' (does anyone happen to know when potato season is?) Thus far we have carrots, peas and brocoli in the freezer, and I can now add cauliflower and sweet potatos. Now if only I could find gallon sized ziploc bags I would be living in luxury.

The reason I was in such a rush today was that there was a meet and greet at the fusspot's daycare at 5 pm. Conveniently organized by the 'parent's association' (For the record, there are spots for 24 children total at the daycare and since several families have more than one child there we're talking about at most 15-19 families. Needless to say I have yet to join the 'parent's association.') Not surprisingly, most of the parents were not particularly friendly. Very surprisingly, there were a large number of very good looking men there. And several crates of beer and at least 10 bottles of wine (you do the math of alcohol servings per adults). And yes, both of the very-pregnant women were sipping drinks (both clearly in their 3rd trimester) as was the one other woman who I think is pumping at work (or at least still sending medela bottles to daycare). While a bit bizare to see quite so much liquor casually littered around a toddler-playground, it was exceedingly nice to see quite how relaxed the families seemed to be grabbing a drink at daycare on the way home. There was no healthy food for babies - just chips and cookies. There was no anxiety about drinking in front of toddlers or getting home to put the babies to bed on time. And at least half of the kids had both parents at the festivities. I am definitely starting to see the benefits of raising children here.

This is the best the NYT can do?

2009-07-07T05:08:00.002-04:00

(So I'm fine and will be back to normal posts soon - just a bit overwhelmed with work, feeding the baby, getting enough sleep, and spending all evening talking to an almost 7-month old who occasionally responds "Gee!")

The NYT has yet another infertility article: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/07/health/07endo.html?ref=health. And while I do appreciate their attention to the issue, this article is everything I despise in infertility reporting.

It can be summed up quite simply: There's an easily treated diagnosis that some people don't know about. YOU might have it. If you do, you can be cured in no time. Here's a silly woman who spent loads of money on unsuccessful treatment all because no one ever treated her for this (in this particular case C.A.H.). Oh yeah, and Ashkenazi Jews, you have a much higher risk of having it.

And when I log in later today this article will inevitably be among the most e-mailed, as concerned mothers and friends forward this to their 'poor, infertile' friends.

Argh! Dear readers, get yourself to a good RE. If you're RE doesn't know about a disease that may affect some significant number of women (no numbers given, obviously), find a new one. And dear NYT, do not throw false home to endless women reading at home by talking this up as an easy to identify and treat condition: not only are the examples you provide non-typical presentation, the clinical diagnosis seems to have nothing to do with the blood test, the test does not indicate the severity of the disease but ... there have been no peer-reviewed good scientific articles on dexa.meth.oso.ne (suppression) since the 1960s. I know, I've looked (not because I have C.A.H., but because dexa.meth.os.one was once used to treat co.rt.is.ol issues).

And for that matter, the online op-ed about becoming a SAHM also made me mad. The article was fine albeit trite, but the comments fell into the same predictable piles:
a. "Quit work now! You don't want to miss a moment" (Ignoring all the little things like financial security and that many careers have no on-ramp. Yes, I'd love to be home this year but no, I don't want to spend my mornings home alone while the fusspot runs off to elementary school, high school and hopefully someday her own home)
b. "You can do it all, but it is so, so tough" (Working mothers, if you are so, so busy why waste your time with endless predictable comments?)
c. "I am a MAN and I want my wife at home" (subtext: But I would never consider it myself because I am a MAN)
d. a few quiet pleas for an article about how to balance work/parenting

All the usual thing were missing:
- Many (probably most) careers have no so-called on ramp. While there are other jobs out there, I've spent 9 years preparing for this career and I really don't want to become yet another super overqualified high school teacher (or sales floor supervisor)
- My husband doesn't want the responsibilty of being the sole wage-earner. He makes a lot of money, but he's also at a fairly high risk of getting laid off at some point in his career and it terrifies him that I might not have the necessary income to keep us afloat for a while.
- I want the fusspot to know that she can have a career and family. Hence, I need to do it myself. And to do it well.

Honestly, I think the reason the SAHM/working mom debate bothered me so much (and I read pages of comments while pumping) is because I am a bit disappointed in aspects of the fusspot's daycare. To be precise, they are letting her CIO at naptime, and it just makes me sad. I really feel like I haven't spent 6 months practice every aspect of attachment parenting (breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, responinding to the baby's every cry) to have them undo it in a few short weeks.

Also, during the tour we were promised that there would also be 2 teachers in the classroom. I counted the staff and the hours they are open and was puzzled, but figured they must have a floating teacher to cover lunches and shorten the day. Nope. There are 2 teachers from 9 to 5, but the daycare is open from 8 am to 6 pm. So when I picked the fusspot up at 5:30 yesterday night there were 3 babies strapped into bouncers (I am endlessly thankful that they have no mechanical swings/bouncers/etc at the daycare), 2 toddlers strapped into their high chairs playing, and my fusspot in a (baby-safe) hammock swinging away. Needless to say, all of the babies except mine were shrieking. And yes, just one teacher. Beats me how they'd pass a fire inspection with 4 non-mobile babies, 2 toddlers and 1 teacher post-5 pm, but it is what it is.

And then I spent a while thinking about a few of the comments on the article, including one by a teacher who made some negative comment about how babies with SAHM were so used to be spoiled. While I don't necessarily believe that, when I taught religious school and summer camp, I absolutely could not tell which kids had stay at home moms. And I do remember loving daycare as a child. And JD never had time home with his mother during the day and he seems to have survived. So I just have to recognize that daycare is going to be tough until the fusspot has mobility (she gets so annoyed when she pushes her toys out of reach or wants to move), but this is a temporary phase and thereafter she will almost certainly be happier on a daily basis for the company and games and endless child-safe toys.

Sorry about the rambling, I'm pretty sure the fusspot is either sick or has already become a 'reverse feeder.' She's been taking less than 2 bottles at daycare and waking me every 2 hours to eat since JD left.

New things

2009-07-04T17:25:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I reminded JD to look in the laundry basket while packing ... and there was only one t-shirt of his left in the bin when I checked on his progress.
I reminded him to get his clean laundry off the rack ... and found 2 socks and his only pair of shorts still drying on the rack after he'd 'grabbed all his stuff'.
I reminded him to pack his chargers ...and only found one on the counter.
I reminded him to get his stuff out of the kitchen ... and found his believed Alaska Nalgene sitting on the counter tonight.

But of course it's too late to give him the Nalgene. My darling is home in NYC by now and I am all alone with a fusspot who woke up every hour yesterday night.

Trying, trying, trying to be a responsible single parent (and yes, there are dirty dishes in the sink as I type).

For the record, in the 6 weeks of JD's paternity leave I did not cook a single meal, go grocery shopping alone even once, or do any dishes. Or for that matter wash any pump parts [Total side note. One of the things I found most absurd about the anti-pumping article in the Atlantic was the discussion over fathers finding it gross. While the men discussed may be turned off, my guy took an ever-practical attitude: I pump, he cleans up. And we actually landed up with enough extra pump parts that I could pump up to 4 times a day and just pile all the parts in the sink for him to wash when he got home. It got to the point where he was a bit defensive that only he could really wash the parts well. One more thing I'll miss in the next year].

Yes, we've done this before. A lot. But never with an almost-7-month-old fusspot along for the ride. The one good piece of news today is that the fusspot is finally starting to notice the people smiling, waving and dancing at her in the computer. This evening we chatted online (skype and gmail chat) with my mother, my father, and a dear friend and tomorrow we have several other conversations planned. I really hope that she makes some connection between JD and the funny face in the computer.

And that she sleeps a bit more tonight.

Lots of things to blog about this week: meeting a blogger IRL (and she reveals my top secret location!), my gorgeous apartment, LLL in Europe, access to my exclusive storage closet (aka pumping at work), and a daycare 'meet and greet.' Fun times ahead, but tonight I just wish my husband was here.

Uncertain

2009-06-29T16:11:00.004-04:00

I am usually a very competent, confident person. I am used to living alone, and I am used to getting things done. And maybe because of that people tend to think that I have a very hard skin and don't really take offense. The truth is that I have a really hard time dealing with guilt, and when I feel like I've done something wrong I tend to fixate on it and spend hours or days worrying about it. I also withdraw, and make absurd vows not to interact with friends/new people/colleagues lest I also offend them.

Which is to say that I entirely accidentally offended someone, and I feel awful (not on the internets but IRL). And I'm trying to figure out how to manage my feelings of guilt. For example, I still have a few thank you notes to write and I feel awful about it, but the longer they wait the more I feel like they have to be perfect and the less chance that I'll sit down and finish them. Or e-mails which have been in my in-box for more than a week. Just like a 3rd grader, you note. I know. It's not exactly the most mature thing, but I'm trying to write/think about it here because I really don't want what happened to ruin JD's last week here in Europe (he leaves on Sunday ...). And I'm trying to overcome this new anxiety that my lack of social graces will be a problem this year and the fusspot will land up spending her entire weekend and every evening alone with me in our (gorgeous!) new apartment because I can't manage social interactions. I'm sure I'm overreacting, but just wondering if anyone else deals with these overwhelming feelings of social failure?

(please don't worry about me too much - long time readers will know I get over these thing eventually, and I don't really hold to my vows to sit it out alone at home for long. And yes, I have of course already apologized but that did not make me feel any better).

ps - It might also not have helped my mood that the fusspot was sent home early from daycare for refusing to eat from a bottle ... nothing like dumping 16 oz. of breastmilk down the sink to cheer you up (since we were gone for the weekend I had to delve into the freezer stash for daycare today. The fusspot of course happily ate straight from the source all afternoon and evening).

wow

2009-06-24T23:44:00.002-04:00

On the very same morning I read that Ms. Peesticks is now Mama Peesticks, and my most loyal reader (ever!) is back online.

Please send them your congrats/welcome back.

Back in 4 days

2009-06-24T17:31:00.003-04:00

at which point the fusspot will have visited 7 countries in 6.5 months (not counting the U.S., of course).

We're off to Berlin for a romantic weekend.

On Monday morning we get the keys to our apartment for the year - so Monday is moving day 2.0. Then I have a full week of work (and hopefully a few romantic dinners) and then JD leaves and the fusspot and I will be all alone. Gulp.

ps - Click over to Mission Impossible for a really funny baby food story. I read it and remembered that I wanted to note my total zen tonight when I handed my baby to a friend/acquaintance who had never met her before (although she did go on a 5-day bike trip with me when I was, oh, say about 6 weeks pregnant), turned to greet someone new, and turned back to notice that the woman holding my baby had sat down and was merrily holding a strawberry for my fusspot to lick/eat (for the record, the only foods I have fed her thus far are asparagus and peas, as per the 4-day per new food guideline). Rather than express my normal American obsessiveness, I calmly turned around, repeated my mantra ("They have healthy, beautiful children here") and when I next glanced over my fusspot had moved on to gumming the far safer and less-allergen-prone carrots. Beats me what she gummed inbetween but thus far no signs of a reaction.

Sleep

2009-06-24T03:14:00.002-04:00

Deep in conversation yesterday evening with a breastfeeding, co-sleeping, working mother of four and she asks about the fusspot's sleep schedule. The truth is that she's regressed a lot in the past month. We put her down at 8 pm and she's up by midnight for a snack and then usually eats 3-4 more times before I get up at 8 am. Yes, that's something like a snack every 2 hours from midnight on. And rather than gasp in horror, this woman looked at me and said:

"Does it bother you? Are you functioning ok?"

Which is, in my mind at least, the most appropriate question. And the answer at the moment is yes. I'm hoping that her daycare will put her on a more regular nap schedule and that she will get used to the big changes of the month (finger foods, sitting up, moving to Europe, daycare ...) but in the meantime I'm just not that interested/willing to make any drastic changes or even to commit to the little responsible parenting tactics like putting my baby to bed at the same time every night (to clarify, supermom invited me to come over and chat after her children were all in bed - so I didn't show up till 8 pm and the fusspot and I didn't make it home until 10:30 pm).

In other baby news, we talked about about baby lead weaning (which has almost nothing to do with weaning at the moment and everything to do with feeding babies finger and table foods over purees) and I am sold. And I also had a long conversation on the beach with another ex-pat about elimination training, and I'm ready to get started on that.

The funny thing about the woman on the beach, is that we started talking because of ... our ergos (and yes, the fusspot and I were playing hooky from work for the afternoon and went for a walk on the gorgeous, sandy beach about 20 minutes from our little town). There is no distribution/sales of Ergos in Europe at the moment so whenever you see one out and about you know that the mother is an American or Canadian or has a good friend in one of those places. It is a great way to find the ex-pats here (not that I'm avoiding the locals but they are notoriously unfriendly). It's funny because back when JD and I were young and backpacking through Europe we tried to avoid American-brand sneakers and a few other key items so that we could blend in more. Now I proudly wear my American-brand Ergo as a way to meet other American moms and ask them all of my key questions like: what laundry detergent do you use here??? We're still on a quest to find an enzyme and perfume free detergent which also cleans cloth diapers.

I did it

2009-06-22T04:25:00.002-04:00

I left my daughter at daycare this morning ... even though she was at that very moment screaming her head out as part of her first-ever cry it out naptime routine. Yes, they put the babies (swaddled, with pacifiers - permission slip necessary if you want them on their stomach) into their cribs, start a little music, and then close the door.

The daycare worker (I will think of nicknames since there are only two, and both seem like potential American Idol competitors - think lots of style for working in a daycare) put the fusspot down and when she screamed for about 2 minutes asked if this was normal for her. I retrieved her, fed her, and then put her down again. I mean, where to start?

- She doesn't actually sleep in her crib that much - she's usually in bed with us
- We almost never set her down fully awake
- She always has an adult sitting next to her until she falls asleep
- I often nurse her to sleep, even during naptimes
- Her nanny would routinely hold her and rock her for her entire nap

In short, rockstar wanna-be with big hoop earrings, this is not normal for her because she's never been in this situation before.

But I really do trust that she will be ok and she will get sufficient attachment parenting from me to have her ever-so-delicate ego (at least according to the Sears-school) intact. And I am quite sure that she will be safe at this particular daycare, which is of course the most important thing. And of course, in the long run she will be a happier kid for having a happy mother with a career.

So Daycare Dilemna #1: 4 or 5 days a week?
I had planned to put the fusspot in daycare 5 days a week, but upon arrival here I found out that the place where I work is only open for 4 hours on Mondays (hence sitting home on a Monday morning after dropping the fusspot). And while it would be wonderful to drop the fusspot and have 4 full hours a week to myself (remember I'll be a single working mother here in Europe), I am suddenly not sure it's worth the price. The cost has gone up slightly since November and the exchange rate has gotten significantly worse and suddenly I'm looking at $90 per day for daycare. Ninety dollars. It's a fortune. It is actually the same amount that many women pay their NYC nannies per hour, but you are required to pay 8 am to 6 pm every day that you opt in, which is a 10-hour day. And the exchange rate doesn't help, nor does the fact that employers here pay at least 50% of the daycare costs and then the rest is a tax deduction, so there are very few price-sensitive working mothers combined with a huge shortage of infant daycare spots, and I don't really see us having much flexibility. And JD made it even worse by noting that the $4000 or so I'd save this year by going to 4 days a week would get us a good part of the way towards cycling again. But then, am I crazy to give up my only opportunity to read/run errands/take a nap/make babyfood during daylight hours without the fusspot in tow?

Food (again)

2009-06-19T17:18:00.003-04:00

Thank you so much for all your comments and suggestions on the food issue. I really appreciate them.

Just to give you a sense of what I'm working with here, this is a fairly standard size fridge/freezer combo around here (the jam is there for scale - we do not freeze our jam. We may stop even putting it in the fridge ...). Definitely more akin to a cute dorm fridge designed for the cooling of beer than for the storage of a week's supply of baby food, especially given that my freezer stash in NYC would have filled this freezer:

Item 2: Buying premade baby food. I spent another half hour browsing the baby food section at the supermarket. There was not a single jar under a euro, which comes out to about $1.40 given the exchange rate. Per jar. And I haven't even been to the organic store (which I just found) to price baby food there. But saying I wanted to offer the fusspot 2 different flavors at two meals per day, we're looking at $5.60 a day at the very minimum (presuming she never refuses a food, for example). Oh, and there was also not a single jar with less than 8 ingredients making the American recommendation of starting one item at a time practically impossible if I use store-bought baby food.

Item 3: The daycare will give the fusspot bottles as long as I bring them "ready to go" (i.e. no frozen bottles, no freezer bags of milk - I'm pretty sure that's standard even in the U.S.) and they will feed her whatever the other babies and toddlers are eating. On Thursday when we visited they were having peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (these sandwiches were broken into bite-sized pieces for most of the kids). In the under-two room. If you happen to be American and just gasped at such a revelation (and I should stop and note here that this daycare is the only one in my little city to receive a PERFECT score on the safety rating review least you wonder what type of shoddy/haphazard daycare I've chosen), you understand my hesitation about letting the daycare feed her too soon. I did not really press the issue yet, but I'm guessing that the teachers (who watch 10 children at a time) will not be up for microwaving frozen baby food.

Hence my recent interest in all sorts of non-frozen finger foods I can pack for the fusspot. And my commitment to repeat the mantra "They have beautiful, healthy babies here. They have beautiful, healthy babies here." Before freaking out, of course.

Food superstar

2009-06-19T09:56:00.002-04:00

The fusspot is 6 months and 10 days old today and we finally gave her real solid food to eat.

I'd rather wait, but given that she starts daycare fulltime in a week or so, I figure it's better for her to have more time eating solids with me or JD watching and my LC (yes, I talk to my lactation consultant almost biweekly. Still. At 6 months) keeps reassuring me that the majority of her calories will continue to come from breastmilk for the first year even if she also has solids.

So what makes her a superstar? Not only did she actually eat a bite (I really am pretty sure about this), but she also managed to grab a handful and stick it up her nose. Superstar, I say.

So what soft but safe finger food did my daughter first consume? Spargel, of course!* It's safe, really cheap (I bought a glass jar of soft white spargel and I figure it should last us at least a week if she eats/mashes/stuffs up her nose 1/3 of a spargel per meal and it is really cheap here). Next week we're on to avocado, which is sadly a good deal messier.

* aka white asparagus for all y'all Americans.

There comes a day for every working mother

2009-06-18T13:39:00.002-04:00

when she has to go tour a daycare which she has already signed her daughter up for (sight unseen, 5 days a week) and detail for two rather-busy women (who were after all watching 9 other babies at the moment) her fusspot's food/sleep/play/pacifier preferences. In a foreign language of course.

Wait. Maybe that's just me.

I am sure I will have many thoughts on the daycare once the fusspot starts (part-time) next week. In short, it's lovely and charming and a wonderful design and layout (2 separate sleeping rooms attached to the infant room for babies to sleep quietly! a balcony so the babies can crawl outside but stay shaded! suspended bouncy chairs!) and the kids seemed happy ... it's just hard to imagine what your attachment-parenting perpetually-held and snuggled breastfed baby will do when she has to wait a couple of minutes (or longer obviously) for a diaper change or snack. There are ten children in the infant/toddler room (11 weeks up to age 2) but there were only 3 babies that I could see (one slightly older than the fusspot, one about 12 weeks and a whole collection of walking, talking toddlers so that's good news).

And since I did not go to work today, the fusspot and I also filled out our immigration papers. I've never been to an immigration bureau before and I was a bit worried about long waits (we did have an appointment), grim concrete decor and nasty employees. What I did not expect was a TV showing children's cartoons and the staff to be bopping along to the "Best of Mariah Carey." Seriously. Which is not to say that our papers are in order yet or that we're close to legal here, but our first go wasn't all that bad.

And I do have a much greater respect for the soothing powers of Mariah's ballads.

This is my infertility blog after all ...

2009-06-17T16:51:00.003-04:00

and if you're still reading at this point you know:
a. I whine a lot
b. I have a beautiful, healthy 6-month old
c. I am most definitely not over my infertility and I desperately want more children (yes, plural)

Even though my midwife told me it would be "an act of gd" if I conceive naturally and 2 of my 3 REs told me I had a 0% chance of conceiving naturally, I am still. just now. finally coming to terms with the fact that I will not be one of those incredibly lucky women who gets pregnant 'naturally' postpartum. Despite not using birth control. Despite all of my best efforts.

And when I read of people buying pee-sticks 'just to make sure' or because they had some 'symptoms' it makes me so sad. I have only ever bought pee-sticks once. Two of them. And they both said positive (and that was my fusspot). Because I just don't have to seriously consider it - even if I am going to have a drink while on vacation.

Because, as I should have known, I am just not going to ovulate. Yes, I got 2 periods postpartum but they are long, long gone and there is absolutely no sign of ovulation. Yes, I am still breastfeeding exclusively on-demand, but since my husband is leaving in 2 weeks for about a year I see no chance that I will be one of the lucky ones who manages to conceive immediately after a pregnancy because the pregnancy in some way 'reset' my hormonal misbalances (which it did according to some lab work I had done last month - the numbers were far better than before although still no sign of ovulation. Did I mention I'm a bit obsessive about my lab work and have things like my FSH level going back a good 10 years?) And while I might have bought a few last minute plane tickets to see him when we were both in the same country, it's unlikely last-minute international sales will allow such optimism.

And this is why a few little snippets of conversation with JD are so very heart-warming. Because I am not going to have another baby until he decides* it is time for us to head to the fertility clinic (and I wean the fusspot, of course). Oh, and of course we have to pay for or finance it.

Hence, conversations from a week's vacation (and more on that and flying with the fusspot tomorrow). And of course the upside of JD's infamous 'tact' is that I tend to trust that his musings are genuine and generally undigested thoughts:
- At the beginning of the week JD mentioned how we should enjoy this vacation because it will be 'nearly impossible' to take such vacations in the future with more than one child. By the end of the week he was pointing out the happy families of 3 we passed.
- JD spent a good hour when we got back tonight looking at photos of the fusspot as a newborn and musing about having such a little baby around.
- He pointed out two 'highly functional' double strollers in the airpot this morning
- While talking about money he complained that I don't want to plan any 'inexpensive' vacations and I jokingly suggested that next summer we could summer in City Y. He seemed surprised since it is a non-distinct midsized city in the South and certainly not a usual tourist destination and although he has several good friends there I don't. I jokingly noted that I'd cycle during the vacation and we'd save tons of money both by staying with his friends and not going too far and by using the cheap down South clinic. And instead of scoffing or rolling his eyes like usual (just about the timing, not about cycling again) he said it might just work.

I am really hoping that if he agrees to picking a month to cycle again - be it next summer or even next fall (i.e. 12+ months away) I will have a clear moment to wait for. In the meantime, while sitting on a rock watching the waves crash into the cliffs (and ignoring the topless French sunbathers because really? those 19-year-olds have nothing on my post-IF drugs milk-producing curves) we plotted out a budget to save for Fusspot Version 2.0. Now let's just hope neither of us gets laid off and no major unusal expenses come up and we might have a start date.

* I didn't know how to write this above. This is not to suggest that JD 'calls the shots' in our relationship or he's in charge. It's just that we both have to be on board for this type of project and in many ways it is nice that he is such a calm, naive, conservative counterpoint to my barreling ahead at full speed towards whatever it is I happen to want (including JD).

Back in 7 days

2009-06-09T16:06:00.004-04:00

Our fusspot is 6 months old today.

And we're off on vacation tomorrow.

Next week we'll celebrate our wedding anniversary.

I have an incredible life.

Back online in 7 days.

Playground small talk

2009-06-07T17:26:00.003-04:00

subtitled: Sometimes I have no idea how to express myself (on the topic of adoption, in particular today).

JD and I met another American family at the playground last week, and today we went over to their apartment to ask them all sorts of random questions about living and parenting in La-la-land.

When we met this family at the playground the mother was absent but I had my suspicions that both children were adopted from their physical features. I never want to be the person who asks whether someone's children were adopted, especially since the children were plenty old enough to understand the conversation. However, I am very interested in adoption and how families are formed and I find that sometimes we connect better with families in similar situations when we open up about our own struggles (which is to say that JD and I look very young and I could easily imagine an older infertile couple wanting nothing to do with us as they imagine just how easy everything must be at our age). So rather apropos of nothing I made some slight remark in recounting where we were from and how long we'd been in NYC that our fusspot was a beautiful souvenir from our fertility clinic down South.

This immediately opened up a conversation in which the father talked about deciding against pursuing IF treatments and moving straight to adoption and the struggles of an international adoption from La-la-land and being older parents, etc. And it also allowed me to talk about how interested I am in adoption (I really do hope to adopt a special needs child in the future when we are better established, regardless of whether we are able to have more biological children). So here's the question, is there any other way to start such a conversation without randomly throwing out that our fusspot was made in an IF clinic (and that can really lead to the misperception that we did IVF, which we did not)?

Ms. J recommended asking quietly if I could contact someone later and reading the comments on Rebekkah's post about rude questions people ask about squeaker both gave me the sense that this is never an appropriate topic to bring up until the adoptive family makes it clear that they want to talk about it. I certainly don't want to make some trite comment about them looking so 'natural' or 'happy' together (which they obviously did). But in our case today this family was very happy to talk about their experiences and their daughter was quite interested in watching me breastfeed and talking about how she plans to 'take a plane to get a baby' and have a 'baby in her tummy' when she gets older. And I also got the sense that they might have been less interested in meeting up with us and talking about childrearing in La-la-land if they did not at least feel that we were entirely supportive of their family's choices (there were some details along the way that I could imagine might instigate judgment from other people). I understand not wanting to invite strangers into your home unless you have a good idea that they are not going to say something awful in front of your children, so how do I share my interests/"support" without being the one to bring up the topic? Or how do I do so appropriately? Maybe the clearest analogy I can come up with is that looking at JD and my profile (nice young kosher religious family with a baby from NYC) you might have no idea whether we are interested in becoming friends with a gay couple and short of saying something explicit it would be easy for someone to get the wrong impression and not bother talking to us, etc. (and we most definitely are - especially if you live in La-la-land and share our obsession with good laundry detergent or the myriad other fascinating topics I post about).

Feeling overwhelmed by ... food

2009-06-07T15:05:00.003-04:00

Baby food, that is. The fusspot will be 6 months old this week and I'm starting to think about solids. And when she starts full-time daycare in 3 weeks I'm pretty sure I'll seriously be considering when to start.

To start with, I would appreciate any advice you have. I brought Ruth Y.a.ron's "Super B.aby Food" with me and I've been reading it because it was so highly recommended and I'm already feeling stressed. I unfortunately just gave the book to JD and he is sitting next to me ranting about parents who have "nothing else to do with their days" (this from a man who was hospitalized for a bacterial infection he got from eating watermelon at 3 months old ...). I wish there was a book with a little less scare tactics (i.e. it's fine to warn me about choking hazards but don't then go on to tell me about mothers who inadvertently suffocated their babies).

While we have no strong family history of food allergies, there are mild food allergies in both families and I have severe non-food allergies. As a result I already have benedryl and an epi-pen in the apartment.

So here's part of the problem: the parents in that-particular-unnamed-country-in-Europe-where-I-currently-live, henceforth referred to as la-la-land for its parenting policies,* simply don't worry about food allergies or many other American concerns (and yes, they have beautiful healthy children and rank #1 for child happiness, so I know it all works out for the best in the end). I'm pretty sure that unless I throw a fit my fusspot's daycare will feed her the same thing as the 4-year-olds when she starts, including nuts, honey, candy and bacon (which is a problem for an entirely different reason).

The supermarkets also have a pitiful selection of baby food, no organic baby, and a very limited supply of items to make my own baby food. I really don't think I can afford organic items here (food is much more expensive here than even Manhattan, the exchange rate is pretty bad, and organic food is quite exorbitant) and I can't find the old fallbacks of American baby food: teething biscuits and cheerios.

In my fantasy/dream land I'd like to just start the fusspot on finger foods and let her eat as much as she is interested in playing with (i.e. pieces of avocado, soft asparagus, or scrambled egg yolk - no purees at all). And I'd like to feed her mainly at home because of my worries about how things are done in la-la-land and just because its impossible for the staff to give her as much focused attention as I'd like for her first few months eating solids (why is there not a single food book that recognizes that many babies go to daycare during the day??). My two friends who both breastfed exclusively past 6 months had issues with iron-deficiency in their babies, but I can't figure out from the labels what is iron fortified here yet. At the worst, I can certainly make a cereal/porridge for the fusspot with some iron-heavy items and I'm certainly willing to give her vitamin supplements (which I brought from NYC) as a preventative measure. Any thoughts? Wisdom?

*Just to give you a hint of how different things are here in La-la-land, there is no hypoallegenic laundry detergent or baby-friendly detergent. And nobody knows what I'm talking about when I ask for it. JD and I actually went to another city about an hour away to look for detergent for our beloved cloth diapers and while we managed to find one without enzymes or perfumes at an organic store ... it unfortunately doesn't actually clean anything (i.e. our diapers now have brown stains on them. Gross!)

Known for his tact

2009-06-05T18:48:00.003-04:00

But first, here I was thinking that I might just be blogging for myself and I post a long whine and voila! readers appear. Super-cool, kind readers who offer to help. Truly incredible.

We did a little craigslisting (well, the local version) today and landed up walking past the coolest playground ever. And although the fusspot is too little to really care, we went in for a bit. At one point a rather pregnant woman waddled past while chasing a toddler and I must have given her a wistful look because JD asked what was wrong.

I muttered something about being jealous. Instead of dropping it JD asked why and I explained that at the very, very earliest I will be back at the clinic when the fusspot is 18 months and more likely a bit older and thus there's no way I'll be chasing a 2-year-old with a 6-month plus belly (and of course a large part of the bitterness is that the delay is from work and location issues, not a deliberate 'spacing' on our part).

JD looked very seriously at me and said: "Don't worry. You won't need to be nearly 6 months pregnant to look like that. In fact, you could still pass now on a bad day."

And that's my guy for you.