Queen Power

When the Tiara Slips

2005-09-14T13:18:00.000-07:00

Queen Me Speaks ...

Adolescence was a painful time for me. As evidenced by an excerpt from Grab the Queen Power, not only did I lose my footing, I lost the very foundation of my strength. The solid ground I stood on when eight and nine eroded under my feet and pushed me off balance.

By 9th grade the new game consumed me. I was moving into the world of where boys and girls were different species, and girls were different from the children they had been. Always a great strategist, it didn’t take me long to figure out the rules, all with one intent—fit in. To be what my friends thought I should be. To never be, perish the thought, different. I didn’t even have to make a conscious choice about whether to play or not. I already knew to be loved and accepted I had to follow the rules. So I looked and listened, and with each new tidbit of information, I deleted some aspect of myself that was as wrong as my shoes.

I picked up my mask. I left behind the little girl who knew what she wanted, and became somebody I didn’t know. If you had asked me what was happening to me, I couldn’t have told you. I could barely comprehend the turmoil seething in me, or the shame when all of my choices seem destined to fail someone—my parents, or my friends, or the person I had been up until then.

At age fourteen I had essentially fallen asleep, like the sleeping princess Briar Rose in Grimm’s fairy tale. I had become the Princess seeking rescue and all the while trying with every piece of myself to go away—slip away in a deep, deep sleep. Once Briar Rose pricked her finger and the spell was cast on everyone within the castle, outside a great barricade of thorns sprang up, keeping all rescuers away. For me life was filled with thorns. To feel was painful. To love was painful. To need something from others was painful.

To be was painful.

Studies conducted by Harvard professor Carol Gilligan and Colby College professor Lyn Mikel Brown from 1986 to 1990 have revealed that something truly phenomenal happens to girls around adolescence. They undergo a gradual change in which they lose their feisty spirit, courage and willingness to speak out—qualities they had known in girlhood. Around this time their truth becomes silenced, held back. They become afraid of conflicts with males, because they know on some level that males hold the power. They become—perhaps forever—good little girls, settling into the clichés and limits imposed on their gender. So sleep begins.
—Sue Monk Kidd

Ah yes, I’m not the only one who struggled. Unfortunately, it’s more likely you’ll have a hard time finding the ones that didn’t. While reading School Girls by Peggy Orenstein, I again was reminded that maybe I have more healing to do. Maybe I have more to remember and to process before I am able to truly release and let go and ultimately help my daughter—a daughter nearing the crossroads. In the introduction, Peggy shared her experience.

She started by telling readers that there’s a completely different book she could write. “It would be about how, in spite of all of our success, in spite of the fact that we have attained the superficial ideal of womanhood held out to our generation, we feel unsure, insecure, inadequate.”

She further explains that her previous tendencies had been to use the “stick-your-head-in-the-sand” approach. Despite working with adolescents on a daily basis, she at first resisted thinking about her own experiences and intentionally did not examine the past. A little later in her narration she shared, “I wouldn’t look through it at thirteen, when I lowered my hand in math class, never to raise it again, out of a sudden fear that I might answer incorrectly and be humiliated. I wouldn’t look through it at sixteen when I winnowed forty pounds from my body, refusing food and binging on laxatives, eventually losing the ability to eat at all. I wouldn’t see it when I declined to try out for my college newspaper, even though I dreamed of becoming a journalist. Nor would I see it at twenty-one, when I became paralyzed during the writing of my senior thesis, convinced that my fraudulence was about to be unmasked. Back then, I went to my advisor and told her of the fears that were choking me.”

Her advisor, it turns out, gave a halfway decent answer—an answer that allowed her to move forward instead of backwards. The advisor said, “Don’t worry about it. All smart women feel that way.”

Ouch! Really? Is that the truth? It worked for Peggy. She accepted that piece of advice and continued on … completing her thesis and then by building a successful career in journalism. Peggy, turns out, worked through her pain and became successful despite it. Hey, that’s my story—and yep, it’s also the story of so many others.

Something stinks and it has been stinking for a long, long time. Our daughters, granddaughters, and all the girls we know who are on the verge of meeting themselves at the crossroads—the place where the transition from girl to woman begins—need our help and guidance. As mentioned in Grab the Queen Power…we can offer them assistance by first helping ourselves—by first remembering, forgiving, and then forgetting the pain.

From Grab the Queen Power:

Within us all is the power to shape and alter our culture and it is important that we do that while keeping in mind the desired result—finding the conditions under which most women flower and grow while providing the tools to become powerful, loving and spirited women …

Amen.

www.queenpower.com

Am I Okay?

2005-09-07T14:40:00.000-07:00

Queen Me shares ...

The same questions follow every woman through girlhood and adolescence: Can I really do this? Will I get it right? Am I okay?

—Oprah Winfrey

Actually, I didn’t even know if I would make it to the other side (adulthood). And if I did make it, who would I be? Would I like the person that emerged on the opposite shore?

While researching for my upcoming book tentatively titled Raising Up Queens, I read the work of Lyn Mikel Brown and Carol Gilligan. In Meeting at the Crossroads, Brown, Gilligan and collaborators followed girls as they transitioned from ages 8 and 9 to fourteen or so. Not surprisingly, their words described my experience—the experience I wrote about in Grab the Queen Power: Live Your Best Life! Although sometimes explained in clinical speak while using words like “disassociate” or “relational crisis,” the girls they studied described me. If it described me, then it probably described you too.

Neeti, a girl featured in the book, transitioned from being an outspoken twelve-year-old girl to an ‘underground woman’—a woman who covered up her feelings to protect herself and to avoid hurting others. Each year, the researchers observed Neeti adapt and change, disassociate and remove herself from relationships. According to the authors, “She (Neeti) described this move in vivid detail and was aware of leading a double life—knowing and yet pretending not to know what she really felt and what was really happening in her relationships.”

Another ‘problem’ adolescent girls seem to face more than their male peers, is the need to be perfect or play the good girl role.

Interestingly, Neetie understood that she was not perfect and that being perfect was an unattainable goal even though her comments to interviewers told a different story. Another subject Liza, at age fifteen, asked the therapists: “I would just like to know from you as a psychologists or people with that kind of degree, is there such a thing as a person who is not necessarily perfect but who has everything together all the time? Not appears to be, just does mentally, psychologically? Is there such a person? Is that possible?”

Of course, it’s not possible. Of course not! But how many of us spent so much of our lives trying to be the perfect girl? The good girl? Why did we expend the energy? And whom were we trying to please?

At the end of the study, female teachers at the Laurel School, the school the girls attended, had to ask themselves difficult questions. Led by Patricia L. Hall, psychologist and former Dean of Students for the school, the women attended three retreats to address the problems presented by the study. Patricia shared with researchers:

“It was first with a sense of shock and then a deep, knowing sadness that we listened to the voices of the girls tell us that it was the adult women in their lives that provided the models for silencing themselves and behaving like ‘good little girls.’” And after processing their ‘sadness’ and ‘remorse,’ the women realized something important. “Unless we, as grown women, were willing to give up all the ‘good little girl’ things we continued to do and give up our expectation that the girls in our charge would be as good as we were, we could not successfully empower young women to act on their own knowledge and feelings. Unless we stopped hiding in our expectations of goodness and control, our behavior would silence any words to girls about speaking in their own voice.”

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my. It’s really true! We must start with ourselves first before we can help our girls. Oh my. I tell you that I’m not playing the ‘good little girl’ role anymore. At least, compared to how I used to play it, I’m not. But still there’s a small voice that whispers to me, “You are still playing.” And the voice also whispers that the eyes of a very impressionable eight-year-old daughter are watching, learning.

Being angry or experiencing discord still feels wrong or bad. I don’t like it. I’m not comfortable expressing my truest feelings to others, especially if they hurt someone’s feelings or make someone mad. Good girls don’t act out. Good girls don’t say things that will be hurtful to others or make others mad. They don't say what they really mean. They don’t. They simply don’t. I don’t.

So for me, it’s about coming to grips with myself each and every day. By doing so, I will help my daughter navigate adolescence—what Mary Pipher refers to as a hurricane for unsuspecting girls.

Most girls recover from adolescence. It’s not a fatal disease, but an acute condition that disappears with time. While it’s happening…nobody looks strong. From the vantage point of high school, strong girls can tell their stories, but in junior high, they have no perspective. It’s impossible to have much perspective in a hurricane.
—Mary Pipher

To change the course for our daughters, nieces, granddaughters, or girls in general, we must fully come to grips with ourselves. We must recognize where we are still falling under a spell. As Brown and Gilligan tell us: “Women have to experience the present as different from the past—to feel that now we are not without power or all alone.”

Okay, I’m listening.

www.queenpower.com
disclaimer

The Wynonna Judd Way (Weigh)

2005-08-24T15:10:00.000-07:00

Queen Me shares ...

I was reading a magazine yesterday—Good Housekeeping—and it featured an interview with Wynonna Judd. Seeing the feature, I purchased the magazine at the grocery store. You see I happened to see the Oprah show where Wynonna shared her agony, shame, and frustration over her weight. And then (sorry Oprah), I missed the follow-up show. So, I never KNEW what happened. Did she lose weight? What?

Oh joy! This magazine had the answers. Yes, she lost weight. She claims about 20 pounds. Wynonna wants to lose more, but isn't stressing about it (she swears). Instead she's attempting to live a healthy life—by making better choices and getting to the bottom of her 'emotional' eating habits. So, good for Wynonna. You go girl! I wish you the best.

Now, what about me? Wah! This excess weight issue has plagued me since 8th grade. Sad, huh? And just like Caroline Knapp (remember last week’s blog?)—until nine years ago—my views were warped! In 2005, my views are no longer warped. It’s reality. I need to shed some weight.

So what happened nine years ago? Yep, I got pregnant. Pre-pregnancy, I worked out regularly. Although not completely happy with my physical appearance at the time, for the most part, I felt comfortable in my own skin.

Now, I don’t. Yuck. It all started because I found this book titled: Girlfriends’ Guide to Pregnancy. Darn it! I believed the author when she said, “Girlfriend. Stop exercising! Don’t worry about it. Hey, I’m your girlfriend and I’ve had five babies. I know what I’m talking about. As soon as you get that little baby out of you, you can return to exercise. Really. I mean it.” That day I stopped. And I never “returned to it” like she promised I would. Sorry, girlfriend, but buying your book destroyed my life. Well, okay, so I’m exaggerating a little.

After dropping my fifteen-year-old exercise habit, I couldn’t find my way back to it. Oh, not too long ago I picked up tennis again. And, well, that most certainly helped a little. But playing tennis two to three times a week (or less) will not do anything for weight loss or maintenance efforts. I know. I’ve tried it for five years!

Did I tell you I threw out my scales last month? I decided ... NO MORE. Actually, my dearly departed scales stopped working. Don't laugh; I never owned the digital kind. Ha! It had actually reached the point where I could trick myself and adjust the setting a little. “See, I still weigh what I did last week. See?”

But at the moment I stepped on my broken-down scales, I had an epiphany. And girlfriend here’s what You should have been telling me nine years ago. Why weigh? Who cares what you weigh? Weighing makes NO sense. None.

Let’s get real. When you try on your clothes in the morning, aren’t you more concerned with how they fit? Weight is such an arbitrary thing. Line up three women weighing 165 pounds and you’ll have a range of sizes (height, width, muscle mass). It makes much more sense to focus on the size you are comfortable wearing. Doesn’t it?

So when did I most enjoyed wearing clothes? Yep, that would be nine years ago—and two sizes smaller than I am now. My scale had no way of telling me what size I felt comfortable wearing. So, I chunked it and swore NOT to replace it. And I haven't. The only obstacle left to face is at the doctor's office! Well, look out Doc! I'm going to throw a fit if you insist that I weigh. I started playing tough about three years ago (at the doctor’s office). But it was all talk. Never have I refused to weigh even though I practiced refusing all the way to the weigh-in checkpoint. Why did a doctor’s scale bother me more than my own scale? Are you kidding me? The doctor’s scale lies! Always! The doctor’s scale added five to seven pounds to my frame. Well, I’m not playing anymore—not this time sisters. I don’t do scales anymore. And Doc, if you want to know how I’m doing weight wise, then ask what size clothes I wear—see if I’m wearing the same size I did last year. Heck, check the label when I’m not looking if you have to.

Now, just so you know, this tale does have a happy ending. Well, at least I’m heading towards one. Obviously, I still wear a size I don’t like. So, what am I doing about it? Besides playing tennis one to three times weekly, I’ve added walking to my routine. Lordy, why didn’t I think of this sooner? It’s so easy to do. Cheap too. I can’t tell you why I suddenly decided to do something more, but I did. I’m ready to take charge and make changes. Those changes involve regular exercise and attention to what I’m eating. Dieting doesn’t work for me. It makes me mad and angry. I feel deprived and frustrated. Funny, that I did something on and off for nine years that made me feel bad. Anyway, I’m not dieting. Instead I’m focusing on making healthier choices—like Wynonna. There is nothing off limits—just a time and a place and a portion.

I have no idea if I’ll ever return to my previous size. This time I’m not making myself empty promises. What I am promising myself is that I’ll be in better shape and health. And that’s a promise I’m planning to keep.

While reading the article about Wynonna, I had to laugh. Turns out Wynonna chunked her scale too. She wants to start a scale-chunking movement. I like this woman. Mine is already gone. What about yours? Join me! We are sisters. We are Queens! We are scale-less. Come on. Why wait? Throw that sucker away.
It feels too good!

www.queenpower.com

Beyond Bad Hair

2005-08-17T11:00:00.000-07:00

Queen Me shares ...

I love to walk into a bookstore and then wait for a book to find me. And you know, 'it' always does.

On this particular trip with hubby and daughter in tow, a book titled The Merry Recluse caught my attention. The book is a compilation of mostly reprints from a weekly column written by the late Carolyn Knapp in the Boston Phoenix. I first experienced Caroline's work when I read Appetites: Why Women Want. Caroline, like Anne Lamont of Traveling Mercies (another favorite author) shares openly the chapters of her life. I mean, she tells it all—good, bad and the ugly, and everything in-between. Caroline had so many demons, but the ones that tormented her the most were food and alcohol. Eventually, Caroline died of cancer in 2002. She was only 42 years old.

The other day, one essay grabbed my attention. Actually, she intended to make us laugh with this one. But as I read it, I wasn't laughing because I could see pain in those words—for me, for her, and for so many women. In “Beyond Bad Hair: Thin Lips, Square Breasts, and Other Horrors” Caroline shares the things that plague most women. She claims having a bad hair day is the least of our worries.

The introduction to this article centers on her weight. On this day, she felt LARGE. Although I certainly can sympathize with her ramblings—heck, I've had plenty of LARGE days myself (as recent as this week)—I can't take her views on weight seriously. This woman weighed less than 110 pounds at her heaviest and thought people who ate corn on the cob were gross. What’s the matter with corn on the cob? I love corn on the cob! And as I muttered under my breath about Caroline's perception of her weight, I knew that I owned her problem (even if in a smaller way). Oh, I have sooooo many feeling LARGE days and even though I could be thinner (YES!), they are mostly unjustified.

She shared plenty of other examples with us:

*Why-are-these-pants-pinching-me-around-the-waist Day. (Been there, done that.)
*My-lips-are-too-thin Day. (Can’t say that I own that one.)
*Since-when-have-my-pores-been-so-cavernous Day. (Oh, yes … definitely been there.)

Although I don't have all the same thoughts or moments, I do understand what she's saying. And I bet that most women reading her book, or this blog, do too.

My recent beyond-bad-hair-day moments go something like this...

*Oh-no-this-is-a-face-swollen-eyes-puffy-morning Day
*My-shorts-fit-tighter-today-than-yesterday Day
*Where-did-those-new-wrinkles-come-from Day
*Oh-my-I-now-have-gray-hair-growing-on-my-arms Day (That happened yesterday.)

Probably the one that did make me laugh was Caroline’s mention of the: Oh-no-I-missed-a-patch-of-hair-on-my-knee Day. Okay, so I seem to have more of those days than I care to mention. Yikes!

And then it slaps me right in the face ... and Caroline has the perfect ending to it all. "God, it's hard to be a girl!" Amen, Caroline. Amen.

It is hard to be a girl. I'm ready to play another game now. So here's to trying especially hard to put this beyond-bad-hair thinking to rest. Really, I'm not listening anymore. Of course, as I process this and think about it all, I realize that all these thoughts go back to the lesson I’m still obviously working on—ditching my attachment to the opinion of others. Reading about Caroline’s addictions, I realize that in some shape or form my inability to not care what others think is also debilitating. It’s an emotional addiction and one I am determined to break.

Yep, it’s hard to be a girl, but today it just got a whole lot easier. And I’ll be the first to admit I’m SO not there yet, but baby, I’m getting closer with each passing day. Now, that’s something to celebrate.

www.queenpower.com

Goodbye Old Tapes

2005-08-10T11:19:00.000-07:00

Queen Me shares …

Okay, so I’ve pretty much given up worrying about the opinions of others. Right? Hmmmmm. Yes, last week I had a few tests and passed with flying colors. But then, I had a visitor. The visitor came to my house. The visitor was kind, loving, and warm. The visitor, I perceived, accepted me without judgment.

But still those old tapes played. And still, I attempted to interpret how she ‘thought’ of me. Oh my, that little voice spoke to me throughout the visit, continually reminding me that she might be judging me and it was my job to make sure she liked me. And darn it, I played along too. I didn’t realize what I had done until she left. Yikes! Ouch! And then it really hit me. Dang it. I’m not ‘over’ this. Who cares if she thought I took care of my dogs correctly? Or loved them enough? Who cares if she didn’t like that I drank diet coke? Who cares if she didn’t like that my daughter watched TV while we talked? Who cares? Who cares? At the moment, I did. Wah. And here’s what I must ask myself. Why?

Of course, I had to consider something else too. Who am I to presume that I could read her mind? Really? Who am I to believe that I could actually ‘perceive’ what she needed, wanted, or expected from me unless she expressed it? I bet if I asked this woman what she really thought, she’d give a completely different perspective. Hey, maybe she focused on the color of my walls. Hated them. Liked them. Or, maybe she thought my dogs were very lucky. Heck, maybe I even guessed right the first time. Maybe I really am psychic about these things? Or, maybe I’m lucky?

It doesn’t matter. It simply doesn’t matter. What matters is that we are all okay, as we are at the moment. Here’s my new announcement. Take me or leave me. This pleasant woman and I might continue to communicate and we might not. Who cares? If it serves us both, we will.

Now, I ‘see’ something. So I feel compelled to attempt another transformation. I will work to tune out the voice that harps in my ear about what someone likes or doesn’t like. I will make a concerted effort to create new tapes. I hereby pledge to trust that I am okay even if I’m second-guessing myself. I pledge to accept and believe that I am magnificent just as I am. Hmmmmm. I’m feeling the need to celebrate.

www.queenpower.com

What People Have Known Since Time Began

2005-08-03T11:43:00.000-07:00

Queen Me shares ...

I’m not sure how many of you know this, but I’m researching another topic. Yep, there’s a second book in the making here. This book will be written for the parents of adolescent girls. So now I’m delving into all the books that will help me ‘come to grips’ with guiding a healthy adolescent to the best years of her life.

As I walked up and down the aisles at Hastings recently, a book grabbed my attention. The book, Letters to a Young Therapist, was written by Mary Pipher, author of the bestselling book Reviving Ophelia. Reviving Ophelia informed us about ‘American’s girl-poisoning culture’ and made a significant impact in the field.

Going along with my belief that our culture does more harm than good, I immediately found Mary’s words resonating:

“I have always viewed mental health problems as related to the broader environment. Depression, anxiety, domestic violence, and drug and alcohol abuse, not to mention hyperactive children and eating disorders, arise from our deeply dysfunctional culture.”

She continues along by adding, “How can we expect people to be happy when they don’t know their neighbors, see their extended families, or have time for naps on Sunday afternoons … Our culture makes us sick, physically and emotionally.”

She reasons that therapists and those in the helping fields have basically ignored how our culture impacts us negatively. Pipher mentions “meaningless jobs, long commutes, sterile suburbs and fears of poverty, war, violence and environmental catastrophes.” And she says we continue to overlook “what people have known since time began: Life makes most of us unhappy.”

Yikes!

So how do we fix it? Do we have answers? Too many of us struggle with one or more of the symptoms mentioned by Mary.

But as we seek and search, we begin to find answers to the mystery. We begin to unplug from our culture and create our own space to grow and prosper. There’s no magic pill or formula and it usually takes work—lessons to learn, life to live.

Maybe the most important thing to realize is that you are not alone in your struggles. If ‘life makes most of us unhappy,’ then you are in good company. Seek those who seem to be happy despite life and you’ll start finding your answers.

www.queenpower.com

Trying to Let Go!

2005-07-27T10:17:00.000-07:00

Queen Me shares ...

Just so you'll know what I'm about to talk about, I'm repeating something I wrote in the July 20th issue of the Queen-zine. If you read this essay last week, then skip down to the heading in purple.

Queen-zine, July 20th, 2005
I have a question for you: What does it feel like to not worry or fret about the opinion of others? In Grab the Queen Power, I encourage you to stop this practice. Personally, I've been working on it for years. Do you want to know if I have completely mastered it? Nope. Nada. NO! As hard as I try, I still find myself giving others the power to influence how I feel.

Recently, I had yet another opportunity to try to get to the bottom of this—meaning, someone had an opinion and, well, let's just say, they felt compelled to share not-so-nice things.

Okay, so here's what I did. I fretted and worried. Oh dear, that's not how I had planned to handle the situation. Then it hit me. I didn't know what that felt like—you know, not caring what other people think. Yep, intellectually I got it. Sure. But to practice it. To live it. I really didn't know.

So then, I thought about the times I really didn't care. Typically, the opinions of a complete stranger or those who love me the most don't hurt me as much. I throw in the "one's that love me the most" because we're on safe ground. They might not like something or express a negative, but basically I’m not worried about damaging the relationship. I'm most impacted when it involves a personal attack from friends, other family members, or someone who knows someone. Typically it's something that involves pride and/or the opinion I hold of myself. You know, your reputation. Lordy, that bag holding my reputation is really heavy to pull around sometimes. Well, slap me silly now. It also has to do with wanting so badly to play the "good girl" part. Oh, am I really still wrestling with this?

While having this conversation with myself, it dawned on me that I do know what it feels like to not care about the opinions of others. It feels light, airy. It feels good. As I continue to shed the part of me that cares, I am beginning to understand more fully that your reputation is what Wayne Dyer said in his book The Power of Intention: “Your reputation is not located in you. It resides in the minds of others.” He goes on to tell us that we have no control over the mind of someone else. What they think is what they think. Dr. Dyer explains further, “Leave your reputation for others to debate; it has nothing to do with you.” Sounds like I can drop that heavy old wornout bag now.

I'm ready to believe this. I am ready to feel this. I am ready to live this. While driving from Mississippi back to Oklahoma, my daughter and I chatted about many things. I decided to ask her thoughts on the issue and said, "Addy how do you not worry about the opinion of others?" Although I haven't been able to fully participate in this concept, something has worked for Addy. She doesn't have this problem. Whew! So here's what my wise eight-year-old daughter told me, "Mom, that's easy. Find something bigger and better to think about." And to think, my attempts seemed so complicated!

Okay, Addy. Your way is now my way. Promise.

You’ll find no shortage of opinions directed at you. If you allow them to undermine your self-respect, you’re seeking the respect of others over your own, then you’re abdicating (handing over) yourself. —Wayne Dyer

I know Wayne. I hear you too. I'm ready. Universe, bring it on!

Now, for what's left to say.

Once you put stuff out there like this, you know proclaim that you are completely cured of what ails you ... don't you expect to be tested? Sure you do. And I did. But I purposely ignored my tendency to fret about it and as the days grew into a week, I realized that maybe I really am residing in a new place. What I thought would bother me (my tempest in a teapot) did not. Everytime I thought about that irksome situation, I could quickly divert my attention. I, without much effort, could let it go. What was happening outside myself really wasn't impacting me.

The old Allyn would have been very bothered by this. VERY bothered! Oh no, what will the neighbors think? (I'm using 'the neighbors' figuratively here and actually mean all those people I care about.) But the new, improved me (okay, so I've improved this aspect ... so many more improvements to go:) is okay about it. Really. Breathing deeply, I can say to myself: "Yep, it's okay. It's how things were supposed to happen. If it's not your lesson anymore, maybe it's someone else's lesson." Whew! What a relief. Someone or even a group of people have an opinion and that opinion does not impact me.

In Barbara Bellismo's book, Become Your Own Great and Powerful (http://www.seasonsofsuccess.com/greatandpowerful.html), she shares a dream told by D. Kay Malone. Kay describes herself a 'recovering lawyer' who now uses her many talents to transform ordinary nonprofits into viable operations. Kay (the recovering lawyer) shared a dream to make a point about a major transition in her life. In the dream, Kay is an alien searching for villians who destroyed a mining outpost. At a key point in the dream, Kay (the alien) turns to her traveling companion and says, "I'll just be a few minutes, there's something I have to do." She disappears and after struggling and making some pretty weird noises, she suddenly reappears. Her companion sees her toss aside a bundle of something and asks her what it was.

Kay replies: "My old skin."

Wait, hold on a minute before I make my closing point, there's something I must go do.

Okay, I'm back. Well, alrighty! I feel so much better, and yes, free. This new skin feels comfortable. And as Kay (the recovering lawyer) shared with us in the book: "It felt good to shed my skin. I made a promise to myself to do it regularly for the rest of my life."

Me too, Kay. Me too.

Now back to my daughter's advice ... Yep, I'm off to think about bigger and better things.

Old Home Week

2005-06-15T20:57:00.000-07:00

Queen Me shares ...

I had so much fun being in Lubbock, TX this weekend.

In addition to two book signings and a presentation. I spent time with dear old friends. My first night there, I attended the Buddy Holly Summerfest. And what fun that was. My friend, Jane Piercy and I listened to a great band from Austin, TX (Two Tons of Steel--http://www.twotons.com). On Saturday, I met a favorite former boss, Maggie. We laughed way too much and well, again, I think were way too loud:).

I played tennis, attended a wedding, ate at my favorite restaurants and so much more.

What I will cherish the most, is all the support my old friends gave me. Thank you. I miss you:).

And bummer. I planned to post pictures for you of the book signings. I will, but need more time. I'll do that on the website or in future queen-zines.

www.queenpower.com

Powerful Queens!

2005-06-02T20:26:00.000-07:00

Your experience can become a road map for countless others to follow. Today, you’ll find stories from powerful Queens compiled by Donna Warner.

Once upon a time there lived a powerful queen . . .

EXPERIENCE

My prior experiences helped me discover my own personal limits and expectations. Prior work experiences helped me eliminate things and a lifestyle I wanted to avoid. I realized that working away from home and my new daughter was not where I wanted to be. Seeing and being in a confined cramped office was not the way I wanted to spend my days.
—Cara Sonnier

I have worked in secretarial work of some kind since I was about 14. When I went to college, I obtained an Associate Degree in Office Systems Technology. It just seemed natural to begin my own secretarial business.
—Karen McKay

My two businesses were things I felt really comfortable with; things I felt I was good at.
—Karen McKay

My prior experience as a writer helped me to know the ins and outs of business and to know what type authors and manuscripts to look for. I majored in English in college so that helped with editing. Also, I speed read which is what helped me devour the books I needed to learn how to set up the company and keep it running.
—Dawn R. Carrington

FUNDING THE LIFE YOU LOVE

Make sure you have at least six months worth of expenses in the bank before you take the leap. My leap was taken for me when my boss decided he needed someone full-time (I was only working part-time because of my injuries). So it was very scary knowing I only had two months worth of expenses in the bank, but bit by bit, I see more and more going into my account, and there’s no doubt in my mind I’m going to make it.
—Dawn R. Carrington

I’m a frugal and simple person by nature. I barter for things I need (advertising, press releases, cooking tools) with chocolate chip cookies or brownies. I reinvested my profits to pay for online advertising, sponsoring contests or other websites, as well as local print ads. I didn’t go into debt to start this business, after all I wanted to make money, not pay back loans.
—Cara Sonnier

…. My friends and I shared the costs, so although the business did require a financial investment, it was easier when four people were splitting the costs. Starting a publishing company isn’t a walk in the park. There are business fees, fees for forming a corporation, the purchase of ISBNs, website creation, up date and maintenance, etc. Shared, the costs weren’t minimal.
—Dawn R. Carrington

SUPPORT

Is there any one thing you can point to that was absolutely critical to your success? Persistence and family support. Also a lot of prayer and a lot of great customers!
—Karen McKay

Having people who believe in you can make a huge difference in how you feel about your business venture. It can give you us the added boost you need to keep moving forward towards success.
—Gwen Morrison

I received a lot of help from books. I now have over thirty books about publishing, marketing, running a small business, etc. I did a lot of reading. And as (the) financial (situation) goes, my friends and I carried the expenses ourselves. We didn’t want to go into debt, and so far, so good.
—Dawn R. Carrington

We all need someone to lean on who had “been there, done that,” when starting a new business. It can save you lots of time, energy, and most importantly, money.
—Gwen Morrison

I have learned so much from other generous women online willing to share free resources or suggesting good reading materials. I find that networking with women in my market niche is a great benefit. Resources like Internet Based Moms (http://www.internetbasedmoms.com) have been a great assistance in being online. My husband has been a great moral support and often suggests great ideas. And my children, of course, are my inspirations.
—Cara Sonnier

BUSINESS ADVICE

Overall, my advice to anyone who is considering starting her own business is to do the research. Whatever area you are considering, do your homework before hanging the sign on your door. Know your competitors inside and out. Find a way to market yourself as a unique entity so as not to minimize the comparisons that will occur. Be organized, especially if you have a family. Don’t be discouraged by setbacks. Growing pains are inevitable in those first few years; learn from them.
—Gwen Morrison

I could go fast and explode with lots of advertising and orders, but I choose to grow slowly and not sacrifice the needs of my children, their education or my husband. After all, without them, the money wouldn’t mean a thing.
—Cara Sonnier

Another mistake I made was allowing personal friendships to interfere with business decisions. When you run a business, you have to always think of it as business.
—Dawn R. Carrington

Most things you need to know about business can be found by asking questions, reading or talking to the small business development center in your area. Don’t decide to use a service based on a flashy website or description. Get other perspectives, ask of opinions on services and don’t rush into anything.
—Cara Sonnier

What has been your biggest challenge in running your own business? Learning all the minuscule details you need to know to stay afloat. Liabilities, assets, expenditures, taxes, credits, dues, etc. EEEK.
—Dawn R. Carrington

What has been your biggest frustration in running your business? My expectations. I’m a very motivated and driven person so I’ve had to learn that successes come in small packages.
—Dawn R. Carrington

MARKETING

I do a lot of searching on the web checking out other businesses and I advertise in our local paper. Our local paper did an article on my two businesses, at my request, and that really helped to get the word out.
—Karen McKay

Learn the art of marketing. That’s what put Vintage Romance Publishing in front of the public. We’ve never been afraid to talk about our company, to give presentations, send out marketing materials and stand in front of a crowd of people and talk about our successes. If you don’t promote yourself and your company, who will?
—Dawn R. Carrington

My customers are wonderful about referring me to their friends and family. Word of mouth works wonders!!!
—Karen McKay

I’ve lost count of the number of forums and groups I’m on, and until recently Vintage Romance Publishing was a member of Publishers’ Marketing association (forgot to renew LOL). I’m always out in the community talking about our company, talking to libraries, distributors and bookstores. Word of mouth is one of the biggest marketing tools a businessperson has.
—Dawn R. Carrington

Promotion is a not a sprint but a marathon. As any coach knows, you start training slowly and build up steam.
—Carolyn Howard Johnson, Excerpt from the FRUGAL BOOK PROMOTER

MAKING MONEY

If you break it all down to the number of hours you may put into a business, and figure out what you’re being paid, it probably won’t be pretty in those first few years. That’s typical of any business. If you have a passion for what you are doing (and there’s someone who can put food on the table!), then it’s all worth it.
—Gwen Morrison

I definitely make less money working for myself than working for someone else, but the time I get to pursue personal pleasures and education outweighs the weekly paycheck. We all make trade-offs. You either trade your time at a job for money in the bank—or you trade money in the bank for more time at home.
—Cara Sonnier

The financial rewards do not compare with the rewards of getting to be at home with our daughter, Laine. That rewards reaps many, many more benefits.
—Karen McKay

DO IT!! There are a lot of resources on the computer that are helpful. It’s truly not hard to do at all. You can decide one day that you want to do your business and, in a lot of cases, start it the same or next day! I would suggest that if you’re relying on the income from your outside-of-the-home job, please remember that your starting income might not match it at first. You may want to continue working until you feel confident and financially secure with the income from your own business. That’s what I did and it was a great way to go.
—Karen McKay

BALANCE

Don’t work all the time. Even if you take thirty minutes and read a book, listen to music or just stare out the window, take a break from it or you will burn out very quickly.
—Gwen Morrison

I try to take all things in stride, deliveries being misplaced, or delayed shipments. When things get overwhelming I know it’s time for me to de-stress and balance things out. Accepting the fact that stress happens helps me when it actually does. There are times when I’m not happy—but most of the time it’s due to working too much and not having any down time to create, breathe or just be.
—Cara Sonnier

I feel the company takes precedent right now, but I manage to hang on to my balance by taking time for myself on the weekends. I have established working hours for Vintage Romance and established writing hours for myself. The weekends are mine to do whatever I want to do. Spend it with friends, go shopping, work on crafts, anything like that. If I want to write, I do, but I will not work on the company on weekends. That’s my own time.
—Dawn R. Carrington

FINDING THE LIFE YOU LOVE

I don't know where my business will be in five or ten years, but I do know that I will be doing something that I love. I am the kind of person who enjoys change. I have been a writer for many years but that has taken me from freelance writer to assistant editor to editor to publisher. Now I'm not really sure what's next but I'm always open to exploring new pathways to build on my skills as a writer. I have worn a lot of hats and sometimes you have to do that to find out which one is just the right fit.
—Gwen Morrison

Live your passions! What are you excited about? What would you enjoy doing even when you are sick, not-in-the-mood or just having an off day? When you can answer these questions then research and read all you can about that specific area. If you don’t feel comfortable being self-employed right away—try working with or for someone else.
—Cara Sonnier

Do something that you LOVE!! I greatly enjoy secretarial work and gift-wrapping. I love being a stay-at-home mom, too. If you’re wanting to come home from your outside-the-home job, YOU CAN DO IT!! It just takes determination and discipline.
—Karen McKay

Don’t take yourself too seriously. Life is short. It really is. Have fun with what you are doing. Running your own business can be very stressful. Be sure to take stock in “why” you started the venture in the first place. And remember that it began with a dream and in order to have the dream fulfilled, there will be ups and downs. Keep a harness on you at all time during the climb, and when you’re coasting, be sure to wave your arms high in the air and enjoy the ride!
—Gwen Morrison

SUCCESS

I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and have my own business. Now it’s all rolled into one.
—Karen McKay

Believing in yourself is critical to success, no matter what business you are in. In order for any business to be successful there must be a belief that anything is possible. That can often be difficult for small business owners or freelance writers because you don't have anyone patting you on the back at every turn. You have to be your biggest cheerleader. When you believe in yourself, others will believe in you.
—Gwen Morrison

…Failure is not an option. If you want something badly enough, you can make it happen no matter how many obstacles life throws in the way. I’ve had health problems galore over the past eight years, and yet, here I sit living the first part of my dream.
—Dawn R. Carrington

My youngest son would tell people that I “emailed people all day,” but the first time my children saw my name on a magazine, I think that was it. They understood that I was indeed a mom who worked from home—on top of the fact that I was still the mom who made the beds, helped with homework, took them to the dentist and so on (but we won’t get into that…).
—Gwen Morrison

If you could do anything, what would it be? Exactly what I'm doing now. I love it!
—Karen McKay

It’s always a bonus to me when I get something done that others said couldn’t get done. For instance, a well-known newspaper never reviews small press books. The author tried and tried to get them to review her book, but they kept refusing. So I contacted the book editor and managed to talk him into reviewing the book. The author was so thrilled, and that’s exciting to me.
—Dawn R. Carrington

I’ve learned anything is possible if you want it bad enough. I also learned that operating your own business involves a lot more manpower hours than I had expected.
—Gwen Morrison

Where do you see yourself and your business 5 years from now? 10 years? I see nothing but growth and success. In order to have success, you must believe that success is obtainable.
—Karen McKay

Having our voice heard is more important than selling books.
Having our voice heard is sharing our soul.
—Carolyn Howard Johnson, Excerpt from THE FRUGAL BOOK PROMOTER and originally from MyShelf.com Back to Literature column

Meet the contributing QUEENS …

Dawn Rachel Carrington is a multi-published author of fantasy and paranormal romance, the editor of Vintage Romance Publishing and a freelance editor. She resides on the East Coast near the ocean which provides the perfect backdrop for working at home.
www.vrpublishing.com www.dawnrachel.com

Carolyn Howard-Johnson’s first novel, This is the Place, has won eight awards. Her second book, Harkening: A Collection of Stories Remembered, creative nonfiction, won three. Her fiction, nonfiction and poems have appeared in national magazines, anthologies and review journals. She speaks on Utah’s culture, tolerance and other subjects and has appeared on TV and hundreds of radio stations nationwide. She is an instructor for UCLA Extension’s world-renown Writers’ Program and her new book The Frugal Book Promoter: How to Do What Your Publisher Won’t was named USA Book News’ “Best Professional Book 2004," and her new chapbook of poetry, Tracings, will be released fall of 2005. She is the recipient of the California Legislature’s Woman of the Year in Arts and Entertainment Award. She loves to travel and has studied at Cambridge University in the United Kingdom; Herein University in St. Petersburg, Russia; and Charles University, Prague. She admits to carrying a pen and journal with her wherever she goes. www.carolynhowardjohnson.com.

Paula Lovgren lives in Minnesota with her husband and two children. She is a former blackjack dealer, retail manager and marketing minion who is now realizing her genuine life as a mother, a writer, an avid gardener and a rabid basketball fan.
www.logicsoptional.blogspot.com

Karen McKay, at-home businesses owner, lives with her husband, Brad and their 16-month-old daughter, Laine, in north central Mississippi. She is a stay-at-home, working mom and the owner of Secretary by Design www.secretarybydesign.com & Wrap It Up www.wrapitup2004.com

Gwen Morrison is a writer and mom of four. Her work has been published in national magazines, regional publications, newspapers and online. Originally from Canada, Gwen now lives outside Atlanta where she is busy at work on her second book. Gwen is also the publisher of a regional magazine, Georgia Lifestyles magazine. Gwen's first novel, "Ivy," will be available later this year. To check out Gwen’s work visit: www.inetvacation.com, www.georgialifestylesmagazine.com, www.gwenmorrison.com
www.lemonmeringuepie.blogspot.com

Cara Sonnier
The Dessert BoxDelectable desserts delivered to your door! www.thedessertbox.com

www.queenpower.com

More on Friends!

2005-05-22T13:29:00.000-07:00

Queen Me shares ...

The topic of friends continues to be a 'hot' thread on our forums. To see what I mean go check out the additional thoughts and ideas that others have added.
(http://queenme.forumco.com/topic~TOPIC_ID~391.asp).

And there is more ...

Have you ever had a friendship go sour? Sure you have. We all have. While finishing Grab the Queen Power I started thinking about old friends. Not one to confront, hold a grudge or be insulted, friends usually drift out of my life due to logistical issues—like distance. Another reason former friends and I part ways is change—meaning the “things” that initially brought us together no longer serve one or both of us.

Not too long ago, I found some interesting words written by author, Stuart Wilde. “Don’t suck on people emotionally or intellectually.” More recently in my life, I have become a little more selective about who my friends are. Quite frankly, I’m looking for women that inspire, motivate and energize me. If I find myself in the company of someone that does the opposite, I’m typically out of there, and how! Something else Mr. Wilde said resonated: “When you lean psychologically or emotionally on people or toward them, it’s a sure sign of insecurity. It makes others feel uncomfortable. They resent the weight you are laying on them, and they will react by denying you.”

Okay, admittedly, I have been on both sides of the fence. Now, I tend to be on the far side . . . the one that tucks tail and runs to avoid an energy drain. Here's where I've had trouble in the past. In an effort to not be troublesome or needy, I usually didn't lean enough. And still I resist asking for help. But, I'm learning. I'm also learning to help others without worrying about being sucked into something messy or unwanted. Yep, I risk getting 'sucked' in, but the difference now is that I am comfortable moving on when something is no longer working. And no, I'm not a 'love them and leave them' kind of friend. It's just that I am not willing to hang on till the end if it is at the expense of my well-being. I also finally realize that making a stand like this has nothing to do with being selfish. Whew!

Going back to the forums thread about friendship ... I have been most interested in this thread. I've talked about this before, but, I went through a period of time where I didn't have close friends who lived close to me. Oh, I was able to connect with people at work, but still I yearned for something deeper. Reading a thread like this would have been comforting to me because while experiencing my 'no-friend' times, I thought I was odd or strange. I was alone. Reading this thread tells me that I was not!

And then, reading this thread makes me wish that we understood how to travel by the speed of light--you know, that we could go have lunch with someone in Atlanta even though we live in Oklahoma. And then the two of us (one from Atlanta and one from OK) could hop over to Mississippi and meet up with a gal that lives in the Mississippi Delta because, via cyberspace, I have found so many interesting women that seem to have similar interests, but they live so far away! And one more thing that comes to mind is ... how common this friendship issue is. No, I wasn't alone, but now realizing that so many women struggle with this makes me sad. I do hope that as Queen Power grows, we can play a role in helping women connect in their geographical location.

Yep, friends ... you gotta have them!

www.queenpower.com

The Friends Topic Will NOT Go Away

2005-05-18T13:33:00.000-07:00

Queen Me shares . . .

Well, you just got to have friends. Today I'm going to refer you to our Queen Power forums. There is a really interesting thread running over there about the need for friends and how difficult it is for women to form close relationships in their middle years.

http://queenme.forumco.com/topic~TOPIC_ID~391.asp

Queen Power
www.queenpower.com

Good Opinion of Others

2005-05-09T09:28:00.000-07:00

Queen Me shares . . .

Every now and then I pick up Marianne Williamson’s new book The Gift of Change. And I always find something inspirational to share. Here’s what she had to say about the opinions of others:

Other people can think what they want to think about you, but it’s only your own perceptions, not the projections of others, that program your future. It’s when we agree with other people’s projections that we get into trouble—when we give the ego power and align with its judgments.

In Grab the Queen Power, I quote Wayne Dyer. Wayne tells us: “You’ll find no shortage of opinions directed at you. If you allow them to undermine your self-respect, you’re seeking the respect of others over your own, then you’re abdicating (handing over) yourself.” Something else Dr. Dyer shared in his book The Power of Intention clearly makes the point. “Your reputation is not located in you. It resides in the minds of others.” He goes on to tell us that we have no control over the mind of someone else. What they think is what they think. Dr. Dyer explains further, “Leave your reputation for others to debate; it has nothing to do with you.”

Oh, I really want to believe this. Every part of my being wants to be tough. Stand firm. And as I write this, I will claim that the next time I have a ‘bad’ opinion or judgment pointing at me, I will ignore it. I will “leave it for someone else to debate.” Can I be strong this time? That is my plan. And of course, now that I’ve made the declaration, you know what must happen next! Yes, I am guessing the challenge will arrive sooner than I would like. Oh my. I guess before too long, I will know how I handled the criticism or external opinion. Wish me luck! And for good measure, I’m sending a little Queen Power your way.

Note to self: Part of grabbing the Queen Power is relying on my internal opinion. Is that as easy as it sounds?

www.queenpower.com
www.queenpower.com/CrownAtude.html

Happy Mother's Day . . . Okay, So I'm a Little Early

2005-04-27T16:10:00.000-07:00

Queen Me shares . . .

Recently Crown Me Club subscriber, Karlena Lee, ordered tiaras for the special women in her life. Her personal note to them made such an impression on me. She talked about sisterhood and celebrating bonds. Karlena said things like, "Take time to be a Queen for the day," and "Do what only royalty must do . . . Be Magnificient!" Not only that, but she thanked them for being in her life. We corresponded about it and I asked Karlena to write someting for Queen Power.

Below are Karlena's thoughts about why she was compelled to play tiara fairy!

Raise Your Tiaras In Celebration Of Love, Truth & Life

What does being a woman represent? It symbolizes strength, hardship, laughter, sadness, triumph and failure. It simply means being brilliantly multi-faceted in the things that make us who we are and develops our character.

That was on my mind when I decided to wave my wand as the tiara fairy and recognize the fascinating women in my family. What better way, I thought, than to articulate the core of what the women I know and love so eloquently epitomizes.

I come from a long heritage of courageous, intelligent, unstoppable women, who have had their share of tests and trials. I am blessed to have my great-grandmother still thriving, while venturing into her 90s. When I look at her, I see all the women that came before her and those who have and will continue to come after.

In her prime, she could be both gentle and fierce at the same time. She loved her children and family. She gave by demonstrating determination, perseverance and love. She’s been the nurturer of 3 children, 15 grandchildren, over 20 great-grandchildren, and countless great-great grandchildren–five living generations!

The soul of my family comes from this single woman. Therefore, it makes perfect sense to celebrate my mother, grandmother, aunts and sisters, because they are like royalty to me! The reason being–it’s not as though we’re fabulous and our lives have gone unscathed–rather it’s more the contrary. Collectively in our personal lives and as a family, we have confronted the face of adversity, and though fearful or even discouraged at times, we continue to REIGN!

So you see, being a tiara fairy for Mother’s Day goes beyond gift giving. It is a celebration of love, truth and life!

Well wishes to you and all the women in your life, who like you–are simply magnificent!

Karlena Lee
Founder and President Author/Speaker/Trainer EYPN: www.eypn.com and www.karlenaleeunlimited.com.
Partnership: www.smartsley.com

Thank you Karlena for sharing with us.

www.queenpower.com
www.CrownAtude.html

Seeking Sela

2005-04-20T09:58:00.000-07:00

Queen Me shares . . .

This month I’ve had fun (and sometimes not much fun) seeking advance praise blurbs for Grab the Queen Power. The fun part was reconnecting with my author friends in cyberspace. Almost every author I asked read the book and decided to submit blurbs. Their responses overwhelmed me—and that was a good thing. Now, I’m after back cover blurbs. Already, I’ve had a well-known author agree to read the book and, if she is so inclined, submit a review blurb for me. So that is most exciting!

And now I’ve set my sights high. I’m going after Sela Ward. I read her book, Homesick: A Memoir while writing Grab the Queen Power. Much of what she said resonated with me. Both Mississippians, our stories in regards to our feeling of family and community were similar. So, I decided to go for it. You know, see if I could find someone that knew someone that could reach Sela.

The someone was closer than I thought! My Dad ended up having a business associate from Meridian, MS (Sela's hometown) who had worked closely with Sela on some community projects. Yippee! Soon I was on my way.

Last Friday my mother called me with a phone number. Through the contact, she had gotten the number of Sela’s publicist. You’d think I would be excited about this. Actually, I was a little bummed out. With the help of our very own Queen of Information, Marie Roker, I had the address of Sela’s manager, and well, I actually thought that might be a better connection than the publicist. Of course, I had no way of knowing that, though. But I persisted. I decided to call the number. I don’t know about you, but I hate making cold calls. So I put it off for a day. Then I wrote out a script to help me ‘sell’ myself. I practiced. And then I bravely picked up the telephone.

I dialed the number. I waited. A female answered the phone. I really couldn't understand what she said and thought to myself, hmmmmm, this doesn't sound very professional, but I knew I must proceed. So I cleared my throat and said, "May I please speak to Joe?" The lady responded, "Who Joe? This is Chinese restaurant!"

Well, not one to give up easily, I verified the number with my mother. Oops! I had inverted the numbers. So after practicing a little bit longer and then wiping off my sweaty palms, I tried again. This time I heard, “We’re sorry. You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service.”

You gotta be kidding me?!

The story does have a happy ending though. I now have a ‘real’ mailing address. Of course, it will probably go to an Assistant, Publicist or a Manager, but maybe, just maybe my note and manuscript will reach her! I’m sending a little Queen Power dust for good measure before I zap it off using the US Postal service.

No worries. I will keep you posted:).

9/8/05
It dawned on the other day that I never updated you on the Sela Ward story. The ending isn't happy. Darn. Yes, she received the manuscript! So, I did have the right address. But her filming schedule prevented her from helping me. I actually got the call as I headed to Dallas, TX this summer for a book signing. No, Sela didn't call me, but her personal assistant did. When the call came in ... I had to smile. I might not have been successful, but I did reach an untouchable without too much effort. Isn't America beautiful?

www.queenpower.com
www.queenpower.com/CrownAtude.html

Time for FlyLady?

2005-04-13T17:14:00.000-07:00

Queen Me shares . . .

Last week Queen Camellia, Donna Warner, wrote an article for the Queens Write About Writing blog about the FlyLady.

Although I had heard of the FlyLady, I didn’t know her methods. Well, for Donna, her methods were the key to figuring some things out. She explained, “Flylady suggested I could reclaim my life in five, ten, and fifteen minute increments, beginning with cleaning my sink. I gave it try. And it’s worked for a week. Not only worked, but it’s fun. When I do something for fifteen minutes, I really can see the result; I don’t experience the trapped feeling that the task will never get done, and will just have to be done over again anyway. Now I look forward to the next time I can do a little more. It’s true. Where I saw weeds, now I see the possibility for zinnias.”

Then some time last week, Nicole Williams (our Queen-zine editor) and I were exchanging e-mails. I responded to something she said by writing: “Three cheers for the queen!” Nicole wrote me back saying, “Three years for a Queen? I hadn’t heard that yet . . . Well, that takes some pressure off of me. I still forget sometimes that I don’t have to fix everything overnight! Hearing this makes me want to sit down and make a three year plan!”

What? I thought. I returned to my inbox to find the e-mail. Yep, I had written “Three years for a Queen” instead of “three cheers.” So rather serendipitously, I discovered something.

Time seems to be a major inhibitor, or rather, the idea that all must be fixed immediately stops us cold. I’ve been a victim too. Donna seemed to be freed by permission to do something in fifteen increments. Nicole found relief knowing that “it takes three years to make a Queen.”

And as Donna recently shared with us, “This week I have not been stopped by dust in the corners, or my usual lament, not enough time to do it all. Flylady suggests taking baby steps and utilizing small increments of time. It works for dishes. And I must ask myself, if zinnias are possible, why not essays? Or books?”

I too must ask myself. If it works for dishes, then doesn’t it work for book promotions too? Sure it does. And if it works for such things like dishes and books, then most certainly it works for becoming more queenly. Ahhhh. There’s still hope for me.

© Allyn Evans 2005
www.queenpower.com

You Gotta Have Friends

2005-04-06T16:18:00.000-07:00

Queen Me shares . . .

Here's the truth. I am a loner. Well okay, was a loner is more like it. If you met me, you might be surprised by that fact. For starters, I am quite the extrovert and have always been that way. For example, going to a party filled with strangers never bothered me. I knew how to socialize and make friends, and up until college, I didn’t have any problems. But as I matured, I lost site of the necessity and actually forgot how to form a meaningful bond with other women. Oh, I made a few here and there, but my close female friends were few and far between. I remember once in college, my younger sister (by 10 years) visited. She accurately observed: "Your telephone rings all the time, but it's never for you. Do you have friends?" How do you respond to that? I lived with a roommate that had more friends than she could effectively manage. I, on the other hand, managed mine quite well. Thank you very much.

But at some point, while transitioning from child to adult, I had decided I was better off without friends. Don't get me wrong. Like I mentioned previously, I had friends sprinkled here and there. And my mother always encouraged me explaining, "Allyn, you are simply one of those people who can count all her friends on one hand." Yep. That described me, all right.

Not having friends, though, makes the journey much more difficult—the road long, very long. I know because that was the route I took. Simply put, it was easier if I did it by myself. And well, I usually did. Having friends not only meant I had someone to share fun, laughter and sadness with, but it also equaled more responsibility. Basically, it added to my "to do" list. Yikes! How scary is that?

Friends will come and go, but I think you will find they will drift into your life when you need them the most—if you are open. That's the key. You have to decide if you are better off having friends than not. Boy, I am not looking forward to my life review (after I die:); I'm sure I'll be shown so many missed opportunities for having meaningful relationships. But, that's all behind me now because my 'friend arms' are wide open (and so is my heart). You see, I now have to use my hands, my feet, and a calculator to count them!

For more blogs, go to: www.queenswrite.blogspot.com or www.queenswriteaboutwriting.blogspot.com.

For our main queendom, visit: www.queenpower.com.

Great Blogs:)

2005-03-30T16:12:00.000-08:00

Queen Me shares . . .

If you haven't already, please go check out our new blog!

www.queenswriteaboutwriting.blogspot.com

Our other blog: www.queenswrite.blogspot.com is also a good read. Oh, yes . . . and if you like to read about traveling, please don't forget our Queens Travel blog (www.queenstravel.blogspot.com).

I'll be back next week with a new entry:). I promise!

Laugh with Glee

2005-03-23T15:15:00.000-08:00

Queen Me shares ...

We feel some loss of meaning like a sickness we can’t shake. We would love to burst out, as though we’ve been crouching in a small box for a long time. We ache to spread our arms and legs and backs, to throw our heads back, to laugh with glee at the feel of sunshine on our faces.

—Marianne Williamson, The Gift of Change

A long-time friend spent the weekend with me. It was so nice to have her here. She lives in a major metroplex with a busy, busy life. I live in small town America. Although my life is suddenly busier, I do not have the demands of a city pulling at me too. Whew! I have just the right amount of energy available for my work, my family and household management activities. So, I simply cannot imagine living life as she does.

We spent Saturday afternoon relaxing on my back porch. Reading. Talking. Sharing. Her visit fed my soul. My little hideaway in rural America fed hers. I really can’t imagine how different my life would have been if I had never met her so many years ago. We communicate weekly and visit each other every three to six months. Our girls have also bonded, adding yet another layer to our strong connection.

After meeting in graduate school, we both ended up taking different paths. Terrie pursued law school and I remained focused on jobs in higher education. After three years, my hubby’s job required we relocate and so it was from that point on we maintained a long-distance friendship. Interestingly, we faced similar challenges as we made our way through adulthood. We both suffered from severe acne and the resulting scars. We both experienced irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), even though we knew it as spastic colon at the time. We both couldn’t hear our hearts, but continued to long and search for a better way to live our lives. Throughout this process and the resulting eighteen years, we have pulled each other along by comforting, encouraging and supporting one another. Together we are both in a much better place—a new place where we are hearing our hearts and acting on Her promptings.

Did you notice how long it took us? This weekend, we talked about our inability to make things happen at an earlier age. Actually, the book I’ve just written is an examination of why women have to wait until they are 40, 50, 60 or 70 to live the lives we are capable of living. We also talked about women we know that never made the choice to pick up their unlived life and instead simply came to terms with the choices they made. We expressed anger for having had to ‘wait’ for so long, but we then turned our attention to our seven-year-old daughters promising that no matter how it turned out for us, they would not face the same obstacles. Oh yes, they will stumble and oh yes, they will fall, but with our new understanding, we can guide them through adolescence and help them stand tall at age 20 or age 25. With our guidance, these girls will not only survive adolescence, they will come out of the hurricane able to hear their heart with the ability to take action and manifest the lives they are capable of living.

So, even though the road has been long and challenging, we have emerged at age 40-something knowing that we have learned. We have learned about what stifled us and other women we know, and we have learned how to make change.

On the Queen Power site, there are so many of us who are now reaching for our highest potential. We range from ages 20 to 80. How we got to this point or why we waited so long doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is that we are here. We are finally listening to our hearts, accepting our power and finally “laughing with glee at the feel of sunshine on our faces.”

I can’t wait to flower and grow some more and to witness it as it happens to so many of you!

I Read My Daughter's Diary!

2005-03-16T15:23:00.000-08:00

Queen Me shares . . .

Okay, it's not as bad as it sounds. You see, my daughter is seven and well, she shares her diary with me. So, even though I read it, I did so 'legally'.

But her latest entry really surprised me. She started with the standard, "Dear Diary". She then continued by saying, "When will mom sell 10,000 books? I want a pony!"

Yikes! Heck, I have the same question. Yes, when will Mom sell 10,000 books? Of course, I most certainly don't know. But, the pony part. I have a really good idea about that. NOT!

Poor baby, she's a horse lover and ended up with two parents who could care less about horses. At this stage in the game, I'm not sure if her 'horse crazies' will stick. I guess only time will tell. Guess that answers the other question too!

And there's more . . .

With the addition of several queens in the last month and the prospect of adding more, yes, you heard right, more, I am most excited about the Queen Power's ability to provide women support, encouragement and advice.

The forums are really hopping. Personally, I love the warm, friendly exchanges that go on there. I have learned so much from my Queenly friends. If you want to join in or simply read what's being said, go to www.queenpower.com.

As I mentioned in this week's Queen-zine, it's spring break week. So, now I must sign off to take care of my girl. Things have been a little, shall we say, off schedule.

Take care and have a wonderful week. The sun is shining here:).

Before going, though, I want to plug our new blog. Donna Warner (a.k.a. Queen Camellia) is putting together a great place for writers to join together and voice their experiences (www.queenswriteaboutwriting.blogspot.com)

Your Tiara Calls!

2005-03-09T16:26:00.000-08:00

Queen Me shares . . .

This morning started like most other days. After getting my daughter on the school bus, I walked right into my routine. While dressing for the day, I felt compelled to wear purple. I put on a purple shirt and then topped it off with a purple jacket. While selecting jewelry to wear, I again felt a queenly push. I reached for my tiara things. I carefully slipped on the beautiful tiara ring my mother gave me for Christmas. I then selected my tiara earrings. Ah, I was feeling the Queen Power.

Ready to start the workday, I spied my tiara on the corner of my desk. Okay, guess what I did? Yep! I put on my tiara. I wore my tiara all day. At odd times throughout the day, I would catch a glimpse of myself and smile. Usually, I forgot I had it on—but, seeing the shine and shimmer, warmed my heart and fed my soul.

Mid-day and during my lunch break, I decided it was time to ‘scoop up the poop’ in the backyard. Some yard folks are coming this week and I certainly didn’t want them dealing with it. Usually, I get my daughter in on the deal, but today I decided to tackle it alone. Maybe it was the tiara? I’m not completely sure. But no matter, as I scooped I felt as if I was doing one of the most important jobs in the world. Yes, I was the Queen of Scoop! With my tiara jewels shimmering in the sunlight, I cheerfully cleaned my yard.

Tomorrow we’re having a birthday celebration for one of my local Queen Power friends. We’re taking our tiaras to wear while we dine. Although always uneasy about playing dress up in the beginning, I end up having a great time. We’re planning to take a picture. So, I hope to be sharing that with you soon. Of course, every member of my Queen Power team will have to approve it before it’s posted. So, that could take us years!
Take care! And wear your tiara whenever you get the chance.

Out of the Mouth of Babes

2005-03-02T16:52:00.000-08:00

Queen Me shares ...

The other day my seven-year-old daughter said, "Mom, one of our friends doesn't play with us as much anymore."

Somewhat interested I asked, "Why Addy?"

Addy said, "Because another girl makes her play with her all the time."

She then turned to me and said, "Mama, do you think *Molly will find the queen power when she grows up?"

I told her I didn't know.

Shaking her head she said, "She's gonna need it!"

Then today Addy delivered a picture she drew at school. Written boldly across a rainbow of colors it read, "Follow Your Dreams."

Oh Addy, thank you for the reminder.

And before I go ... think about something Oprah recently said, "Your feelings don't lie. Your heart speaks to you through your feelings, and your feelings are the voice of God trying to lead you to a higher ground."

*fictitious name

The Funk Stops Here!

2005-02-23T16:10:00.000-08:00

Queen Me shares ...

Okay, here's the deal. I've been in a funk lately. Not sure what's going on ... but, something is in the air. First, I had to say goodbye to some friends. Ouch. Whine. Boo hoo. Next, I had to handle another situation (work related) that made me whine and moan some more.

Then, I'm sitting here wondering what to do next. It's interesting. And even though I'm not too keen on sharing this ... well, I'm going to anyway.

For four years I've been writing this book. Four years! And, then suddenly the book is gone. Bye, bye. Remember the zap. Well after the zap, I experienced a little snap, crackle and pop. But now I'm simply trying to figure out what to do next.

I know what I'm going to do. So, saying "trying to figure out" isn't exactly on target. It's a matter of re-focusing. Creating a plan. Focusing on the plan and then you know, taking action.

I was hoping the Queen-zine article I wrote for this week's Queen-zine would be my ticket to "getting there", but then I realized it wasn't time yet to write the "focus" article. That topic is actually scheduled for next week. Heck, the timing of the column is really a good thing—especially for the reader. Surely, it's better to write about focus once I'm back in focus. Ha!

Today, I gave myself permission to take more time off. But before doing that I had to wrestle with myself. "You don't have time." "Are you crazy?" "Only self indulgent or depressed people would think about crawling back into bed." But the voice of reason won ... my heart (oh yes, My Good Witch Glinda). Turned out it was only half a day because I had some telephone interviews scheduled. But still that time allowed me to regroup. No, what it really did was allowed me to rest. I intentionally kept my mind away from "work". Previously, I told you that my work is play. Well ... in most cases that is true. But this week my "work" has felt like work. And, that's what I am going to figure out, process and then write about next week or maybe the next.

Okay, so there is some good news. It's so nice to have a purpose:).

As I come to grips with myself this week ... maybe my "grips" will help you later.

Have a wonderful week. And may the Queen Power force be with you.

Reflective Queen

2005-02-16T12:13:00.000-08:00

Queen Me shares ...

In less than a week, I will say goodbye to some dear friends. I’ve known them for almost a year and a half and am saddened by the need to do this. But, do it I must. Discovering my friends in the fall of 2003 was indeed divinely inspired. I needed to meet them. I needed to be with them. But, mostly I needed the smiles, laughter and warm embrace they offered to me. Hopefully, I gave them at least just a little of what they gave me. But, I will probably never know.

Anyway, I must now say goodbye, but not without a heartfelt thank you.

And, Still Reflecting …

One goodbye that I can’t seem to say, though, is a goodbye to Sugar. I know. I am on such a roller coaster ride with this sweet girl. After a frantic e-mail to her former Foster Mom (oh, about this time last week), I’ve been riding high again.

Sugar wants so desperately to please us. As a result, she quickly stopped snapping at my daughter. This experience reminds me of how I viewed myself when I was a first time mother. Overwhelmed and panicked, I truly wondered how I would be able to do THIS for the next twenty years? And, that’s where my logic was flawed. Of course, I wasn’t going to be doing THIS for that long. I was only going to be doing the infant stage for a year and then the toddler stage for a limited amount of time. The stage when I breastfeed and didn’t sleep wasn’t going to last forever. Oh, it most certainly felt like it would at the time, but reality painted a completely different picture—one I simply couldn’t see.

Well, along comes Sugar. And, I guess I had forgotten this little lesson. Because, I mistakenly took the same view when we adopted our rescue dog. I would throw up my hands in disgust, “She’s never going to be housebroken,” or “She’s going to howl all night for the rest of my life!” I also felt like I was suffocating. She needed me so much. Sugar followed me everywhere and always had to sit right next to me. So, I awfulized about it. Awfulizing is a term used by best selling author and speaker Joan Borysenko, Ph.D. It’s creating something really awful, scary or upsetting out of nothing. It’s imagining all these terrible things that are happening now or in your future. I mean, I literally thought: She’s going to be needy for the rest of her life, which means I will never have any peace!

Of course, I was completely off base. Sugar doesn’t howl anymore, rarely has an accident and doesn’t feel the need to follow me around. And, my now seven-year-old daughter no longer needs my constant attention. I don’t have to pump breast milk anymore nor do I change diapers. Sleep. That’s something I get plenty of now unless an attack of growing pains strikes.

The Reflection Continues …

Very recently, I had to deal with a situation that troubled me. And, again, I awfulized. I poured so much energy into the situation that I’m sure I made it grow and grow and grow. Well, at least I made it grow in my imagination. And, in my awfulizing way, I assumed if a few people thought a certain way, then surely everyone else did too. Yep, that’s awfulizing. “Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, and I guess I’ll go eat worms.” I call it being “slimed”. Because when the slime finds me (the good opinions of others that’s critical or judgmental), it usually sticks. No matter how hard I try to avoid it or wipe it off, I can’t. It always lands on me. I see it coming and instead of stepping aside, I stand front and center. I take it right in the face.

So, here’s my pledge. I’m tired of accepting slime. Not only that, I tired of wallowing in the slime. And, I’m not going to do it anymore. The SLIME stops here.

Do I really get it? I sure hope so. Because (and I guess only time will tell), but experiencing the slime and then finally understanding that I will refuse to participate made me recognize how far I've come and that I'm no longer willing to go back to the old way of dealing with it.

Today, I start a new path—and take one step closer to living a more truthful and authentic existence. I’ve been talking about it for years. I’ve been dancing around it for years. Of course, as I write this … I’m also a little fearful because now that I’ve taken a stand … doesn’t that mean a test will follow? Hhhhhmmmm. Alrighty, bring it on! I’m ready.

ER, But First Some Sugar

2005-02-09T14:46:00.000-08:00

Queen Me shares . . .

I'll start with the Sugar. Oh, I am so torn. Sugar and I are still struggling. She's a difficult dog to housebreak. And, she's been snapping at my daughter. Of course, since my daughter is seven, I'm sure there are times a dog might need to snap at her. But, so far, when it has happened I am there and don't see any reason for the aggressive behavior.

Since I'm almost at the end of a dog rope, I welcome your suggestions. Help me keep her, please!
Okay, now that my pity party and whining fest are over, let's move on to the real reason you clicked on this blog.

Our Very Own ER

Friday night my daughter told me she didn't feel well. Her throat hurt and she felt a little warm. Trying to make light of it, she promised to be well by morning. Around 6:00 a.m. the next day, she asked to join us in bed claiming she didn't feel well. A quick kiss to her forehead told me she had some fever. We both slept a few more hours and then started our regular Saturday. We didn't have plans because I was working on the Grab the Queen Power manuscript. All day she maintained a low-grade fever, but other than that seemed to feel okay. Not one to sit still for long, she was bouncing off the couch and around the room to entertain herself. She even has a name for it: The Thinking Game. She called all her neighborhood friends to tell them she couldn't play, occasionally watched TV and for the rest of time talked to me about dolls, horses and dreams.

Around 6:00 p.m., I called my husband to suggest we order out. Since Addy and I had talked about it earlier, she was thrilled that I had chosen her favorite restaurant, El Vaquero. "Mama, I want sopaipillas!" If you don't know, that's a dessert item—a puffy, crisp, deep-fried bread dipped in cinnamon. It's very good:). Thirty minutes later, I placed the order and as I was ordering the coveted sopaipillas my daughter whispered hoarsely, "Mama. I don't want any."

Clue number one! Addy never turns down sopaipillas.

By 9:00 p.m. Addy felt worse. The speed and force of her infection scared me. All day she had been fine and then suddenly, she was not! What started as a low-grade fever and sore throat quickly changed to burning up and barely breathing. We quickly discussed our options while I also tried to remain calm and make sure we were making the right choice, you know not overreacting. For a very brief moment, I tried to find my center. You know, a place that would help me have rational and unemotional thoughts.

"Mama, I can't breath in!" Addy said again. I hurriedly discarded my "overreacting" worries and started thinking options. In small towns, there's usually only one option and well, we only had one: The Emergency Room. As we collected our daughter and necessary papers, our concern intensified. "Mama, I can't breath in? I can't breath in?"

It's takes a lot to unnerve me and well, the thought of Addy not being able to breath did. In addition to her other symptoms, she had an odd barking cough. As we scurried to the truck, I told her, "The last time you sounded like this we steamed up our bathroom and sat in the hot, misty air. And that took care of everything." I then turned to my husband, "She's too old to have Croup. I bet it's a very bad case of strep." Strep had been going around. Although, with hindsight, I don't think Strep interferes with breathing.

By the time we reached the ER her breathing had regulated. Wouldn't you know it? But, of course, that didn't stop us from getting her checked out.

The visit took about two hours. Turns out she had viral Croup. So, it was Croup after all! Very unusual for a seven year old, but not impossible. For the next 48 hours we did several breathing treatments in our bathroom. And, each time we did them, they worked beautifully. And incase you didn't know this about Croup, steam or cold air work wonders. Thus, explaining why our daughter improved dramatically on our ride to the hospital.

She's all better now. Actually returned to school today. Right now she's working on a school project while I type away.

That's all. I simply wanted to share.

Sugar Update

Will the roller coaster ever end. Tonight Sugar and Snow (our other dog) were curled up together on the couch all warm and cozy. I melted. Also, a new development (see, we're trying here), I suddenly realized (is that an epiphany?) that we need to demonstrate to Sugar that Addy is dominate over her. Meaning that in our family chain, Sugar is below Addy. So, tonight when Sugar growled at Addy (just for entering the room, mind you), Addy spoke in an authoritative voice telling her "Don't, Sugar," while pointing her finger at her. Before Addy's reaction had been one of fear.

I'll keep you posted. But, if any of you seasoned dog owners have suggestions, I am open:). You can comment here or e-mail me privately.

A Dog Day

2005-02-02T13:54:00.000-08:00

Queen Me shares . . .

Sweet Sugar is still thriving. Although the smell of her breath was a major clue, the rescue folks had warned us her teeth were in terrible condition. What started out as a simple procedure (to clean her teeth) turned into some major dental work. Now minus her front teeth and several more, she's as cute as ever:).

The most difficult part of my day, though, started on the drive to the vet's office. We have a neighborhood dog, Sadie, that loves to chase cars. Our friendly Sheltie has avoided harm for over two years. As typical, she chased me out of the neighborhood. Next came my husband. Darting out to catch up with him, Sadie never saw the truck and trailer coming from the other direction.

My husband knowing that I was just over the hill and on my way to the vet, called me. I quickly whipped my car around to see if Sadie could be helped. Once near the scene, I glanced towards Sadie thinking it didn't look good. Parking my car, I ran to a workman who witnessed the accident. "Nope. That dog is dead. She died right away. My foreman pulled her off the road and is now going to tell the owners." I looked again over at Sadie. I could tell he was right. Then he added, "Made my foreman cry."

Of course, made me cry too.

Later that day I found out the foreman not only pulled the dog off the road and notified the owners, but he carried the dog to their house and helped a mother and sick child bury her.

Sadie will be missed.