KBarnes

I find it funny.

2006-07-23T01:24:00.000-05:00

That the one person on this earth.
That I love more then life itself.
Could also be the one person on this earth.
That is hurting me more then anyone else.
Funny?
Kind of.
How is it, that he's always supposed to be truthful with me...
Yet, his truths either hurt me, or I find myself wondering if they might be twisted.
It's funny how I read in a message that one girl wanted him to come back over so that his smell would be back on her sheets.
I find it funny that he told me he doesn't find her at all attractive.
Nor would he want to get physical with her in anyway.
That she is, and I quote, "Not the most attractive girl. She just has personality going for her."
But then a few nights later...I get him so turned on he won't turn down any physical contact.
I find it also funny that he doesn't mind if she comes over and spends that night and talks a little bit of shit about me.
And then the next night...I can crawl into his bed and have him completely.
It's kind of funny.
Hmm...
I think I am better then that.
I think I am way better then that.
And with this information...
My body is now a temple.
Oh...Oh how I will tempt you.
But you will never cross that.
I will be the temptation you so desire...but can't get through to.
I won't tell you the goings on in my life.
I won't let your name fall from my mouth.
But I will let a few simple strokes of the hand.
A few innocent touches.
And a coy smile cross your path.
And you will advance...as you always do.
But the path will end.
You are officially cut off.
And it royally sucks to be you.
You will fuck her.
And she will fall for you just as I did.
And then she can be crazy.
And she can be foolish.
And by then...I shall be so far away from you.
I shall be so over "us."
That you'll wish you had one more chance at me.
You will have lost.
Though you'll never admit it.
You will look at pictures of us and wonder what you could have done.
What could you have done to fix us.
To be with me again.
You will wonder.
And you will hate it.
And I.
Finally.
Will have won.

Foolish boys.
I conquer all.

--Kandy.

I will Quit.

2006-07-12T15:21:00.000-05:00

For my body.
For my mind.
For my lungs.
For my loves.
For everything.

I will put these cancer sticks down.
And I will not pick them up again.

For my face.
For my heart.
For my fitness.
For my blood pressure.

I will put these cancer sticks down.
And I will not pick them up again.

For everything.

The Worst Day Ever.

2006-06-23T15:44:00.000-05:00

I woke up today.
I cried.
I went to work.
I faked it all.
I got off.
My bank account was fucked up.
Go figure.
I'm trying to straighten it out.
I have to go back to work.
And I will not get off till late.
Then. Tomorrow.
I go in EARLY.
Ass crack of dawn.

I miss the one thing I shouldn't care about.
I want it back.
But NO. I. DON'T.
And I'll use myspace photos as a reminder.
I am nothing short of terrible for you.

Fuck it.
--Kandy

Worthless Tears.

2006-06-23T08:30:00.000-05:00

So I'm crying.
And that is lame.
I am virtually lamenting a lost love.
And that is foolish.
Why?
I shouldn't let him do this too me.
I shouldn't be sad that he's gone and I made him go.
I shouldn't.
I should be jumping up and down.
He's finally free of all my burdens.
I'm going to stand on my own.
He should be happy as hell to know he won't be bitched at.
He won't have to hang around my ignorance.
He won't have to put up with my emotions.
He's free.
Completely.
And I'll just sit here and be sad for a while.
I hate how contorted my face becomes when I cry.
And even at this moment...
I look hideous.

I guess all I ever really wanted was someone to love me.
To hold me close and tell me they did.
Someone to need me, just as much as I needed them.
Someone who wants me, just as much as I want them.
I'm not looking for marriage.
But I'm looking for someone who is faithful. true. and can see what I'm worth.
Because, my self-worth is a lot.
But most of all. I'm looking for someone who understands me.
Because that's the hardest part of it all.

Stop Crying.
Your tears are worthless.
Absolutely.
--Kandy

Wrecked.

2006-05-27T01:26:00.000-05:00

Does anyone know the sound a human skull makes when it meets pavement rapidly?
Or the sound of a bone snapping and shattering?
The sound of a gunshot and the bullet ripping through flesh?

That is the sound my heart and head made when they collided today.

Happiness seems ultimately, far away.
But my strength...my strength is unwaivering.
There are things I want for myself that I, at this point, do not have.
I know I must attain them for satisfaction and happiness.
My own strength and faith is what will bring them to me.
I will about-face and reconstruct who I am.
What I am.
What I will be.
Yes, it's in order.
And it's all about me.
It's weird being so selfish and putting myself before others.
I must admit it's going to be a difficult struggle.
But I'm going to stick to it.
I'm going to conquer.
I'm going to rise.
And if I fall a few times, I'll brush off my knees and keep truckin'.
Smile.

--Kandy

That Was.

2006-05-08T21:14:00.000-05:00

Obviously a terrible thing to do.
It made me feel horrible.
I don't regret it, but...
I should have thought about long term effects.
I should have known it would tear at me.
My heart. My soul. My very being.
I just want you to be happy, but I forget my own happiness.
That is no good.
That means nothing has changed.
That means I learned nothing, nothing at all.
I hate this.
I hate it all.
Realization is the key.
Stepping over.
Moving on.

:: In further News. ::
Job -- Looks like I have something very promising about to happen. I go to "work" with Pheonix Advertising company here in the Metroplex tomorrow from 11:15am until around 8pm. It's a trial type of day. To see if I would like it and to see if I can do it. I'm excited about it. I prayed today and told the Lord that if this is something that can be promising, to please give it to me. He'll let me go and finally start fixing all my wrongs. So if this is it for me, I'll get it and I'll like it. :) (If that's the way it pans out.)
School -- HORRIBLE. Absolutely horrible. I could honestly care less. I'll just be glad to sell my books back and be done with it all. And then start paying off my student loans, but set money aside and go to Broadcasting School up in Dallas. :) That's what I want. Or the broadcasting school in Arlington or Fort Worth. Whichever. I want my school. But I want to work on Broadcasting only. And maybe an Associates in Accounting just for the hell of it. Things that I'd actually like to persue. None of this BS.
Finance -- I'm broke. If you'd like to send me money to hold me together until Friday, I'd be willing to take it. Email me and we'll get it Western Unioned to my Ass. :) Score. I've got a certain little fella who needs a complete B-day gift. None of this unfinished biz-nesssss.

--Kandy

Well, I frankly don't know.

2006-05-07T12:15:00.000-05:00

Um. Yeah.
I am so confused right now.
It's insane.
I wonder about the thought process.
The one affecting us both.
What the hell is going on?
But to clear up some things...

:: Moving In? ::
Negative. Your happiness is way more important then my own. I have no desire to move in with you again. Well, I wouldn't say "no desire" but, the one that is there is subdued by the fact that you wouldn't be happy if I was there. Not at all. So...
Do I want to move in again with you?
Am I trying to move in again?
No.
:: No Siz-ex ::
A very smart move. It's letting me get unattached to you. Quickly. Plus it proves how strong and resiliant I can actually be. Would I love to have that kind of fun again? Um, Yes. But will I while we're not in a relationship? No. It's more important to me that we're together then it is to have that connection. That should tell you something.
:: Am I dumb? ::
Nope. I've been over this before. I am a lot smarter then you'll ever give me credit for, and I understand that. You never really had a chance to see the smart side of Kandy Barnes. All you ever got was the smitten one. That sucks for you. Because, I'm actually highly intelligent. Not always, but for the most part. :)
:: Am I crazy? ::
Probably. Shit, it runs in my family. But does that affect me? No, not too bad. I'm actually relatively sane. We're just running on two different emotional levels. Yes.

In other news.
:: Career ::
Interview on Monday. Oh, I am STOKED. I'm going to go in and own them with my personality and craft. It's going to be intense. -- And if it doesn't work out here, I've got 3 more places to apply to for the week. This should be productive. :) Very, productive.
:: Cigarettes ::
No longer own me. I quit. Fo Good. Because I respect my body. My lungs. And it's just nasty. Which I knew all along. But nicotene had me FEIGNING! And stress had me lighting them up. And boredom. But, nowI don't have time for boredom. Gosh, that makes me happy.
:: Hot or Not ::
I enrolled in a dating service. Woooo. This should be fun! Haha, and just further proves that I am crazy. BLAH! Still on the look out for the man of my dreams. And that's promising :)

That is all.
--Kandy

An Old Feeling Anew...

2006-05-02T08:48:00.000-05:00

Nice.
I like this.
I Feel everything I had before again.
A weight has been lifted.
The truth is out.
I feel almost, free.
But, I also feel like I lost something.
I just have to realize that my loss was a gain.
But that's hard.
HA.
So is life.
And bitching doesn't make it any better.
So stop it.

:: The Job ::
WHoa. Things are still going good. Me and a Coworker and some of her friends hung out yesterday and hit up Down Town Fort Worth. Good times were had. And the best meal ever. At no expense to me. Which was phenominal. :) A big thanks goes out to Roy. And then we played some poker. Damn it. I lost all my chips...Life on the streets. It's crazy. Haha.

:: The Music ::
Ohhhhhh My. I might have rounded up a radio gig. Um yeah, I know. Networking is another phenominal thing. Everyone should do it. On the reals life is getting a LOT better. Amazing.

:: Over All ::
I've got a new outlook on everything. And I'm smiling, and more importantly, it's genuine. The pieces are falling into the puzzle perfectly. I'm putting it together insanely quickly. And I've got some wonderful friends who have my back.
When you put your mind to something.
When you want it with all your heart.
You get it.
Just don't miss your opportunities when they arise.
And never let a good one walk out the door.

--Kandy.

I wish...

2006-04-30T10:48:00.000-05:00

I wish I "knew how to quit you."
I wish I didn't act so damn needy.
I wish changes happened over night.
I wish I didn't want you so bad.
I wish I was over it all.
I wish I could grow up, and stat.
I wish I didn't get crazy.
I wish I wasn't PMSing.
Yep.

Time.
Though I feel like it's not on my side.
Time is all I need.

:: My Job ::
Let's talk about how much I love my job. It's so friggin' rewarding. Plus, I'm doing a really good job. I'm a "top performer." And that means something. It proves I can be successful at anything I love. That showers hope on so many things in my life. It showers hope on every aspect. Which makes me happy. But Monday I have to be at work at 5:30am. This is not making me happy. And I need some anatomically correct shoes. My back and knees are getting straight arthritic. Hahaha.

:: My Relationships ::
Looking on the past, the present, and the future. I've learned a lot from everyone. From my crazy drunken acts to finding true love. Everyone has brought a lesson. Learn. That's the key. You've got to make sure you learn. And I am. But I'm thick headed...so it's probably taken a lot longer then it should. HA.

:: School ::
I hate you. Somebody burn it all down. I'll go back when I'm 40.

:: The Summer ::
I am UBER excited. I'll be glad when school is not a part of my life. Well, I actually want to go to school. Just not a university. I still want to do broadcast. So now, I just want to go to the Broadcasting School. That would make me happy. Very Happy. :) Then I wouldn't feel like I was wasting my time. :):):):):) DId I mention that makes me happy?

Well, that is all.
--Kandy

What is Real. What is Fake.

2006-04-28T17:49:00.000-05:00

Was it real, the way my heart melted?
Were the good times the best, like they felt?
When did it all fall apart?
Is it mainly my fault?
Can I find us again?
Can I find me again?
Will anyone make me smile as genuinely as you did?
Will my heart ache like this everytime the truth strikes?
Will it hurt like this everytime I know she's making you happy?
Did I find the real truth?
How bad did I hurt you?
Are we lost, lost forever?
Is this a limited time situation?
Will I soon turn into a limited time offer?
How much longer can I take this?

What I had was real.
What I was, was fake.
I don't like who I am right now.
So that needs work.
But it sucks that I can't do it with you by my side.
Not because it can't be done.
But because this is something I need to do on my own.
Oh, and I will.
I learn.
I hear.
I remember.
But I'm selfish.
And I know that.
I want you.
That won't change any time soon.
I think deep down you want me.
The me you used to see.
The one you liked in the first place.
I need to get her back.
And I will.
Yes.
--Kandy

On a less bitter note...

2006-04-26T14:16:00.000-05:00

I'm not really sure what's going on.
I really am not.
I know what I want.
But I question what you want.
Do you even know?
I know.
You should too.
And when you do.
You should tell me.
So I can keep giving this my all and more.
Or I can give up and move on.

I don't want to.
But if it comes down to it.
I can.
Because I'm stronger then that.
True.

I wish you could read my heart.
Word for word.
I wish you could see exactly what you mean to me.
I wish I could show you that.
Because I know, sometimes I don't.
And it's not that I don't mean to...
It's just I don't.
You have to know.
You'll have to see it in my eyes.
These eyes are only for you.
Find it there.
Let me take your face in my hands and kiss you.
Deeply.
Find it there.
Whatever you do,
Just come find it.

Cut Throat K-B.

2006-04-23T23:11:00.000-05:00

I'm just fucking fed up.
I'm fed up with your bullshit.
I'm fed up with being sucked back in.
I'm fed up that I let myself be sucked in.
I'm fed up that with this pain.
I'm fed up.
I'm just fucking fed up.

We're not together.
You're right.
I'm single.
I hoped I would have a good friend out of the deal though.
But you know what.
We can't even be friends.
BECAUSE OF ME. ???
Bullshit.
We can't be friends because you won't let us be friends.
You can't even talk to me to my face anymore.
That's more bullshit.

I'm not sad.
I'm not mad.
And I'm damn sure not asking for anybody's fucking pity.
But I'm done.

If you want me for anything.
Friendship.
Love.
Trust.
Fun.
You can call me.
We can talk.

I'm here.
But it may not be long.
I'm not waiting for you anymore.
But I still desire you in my life.
That's what I've decided.
That's what's best for me.

Figure out the problem.
Formulate a solution.
And solve that shit.

But don't just "not want to deal with it."
That's a pussy way out.
You really pissed me off.
If you couldn't tell.
Now you know.

--Kandy.

Get Over It.

2006-04-22T23:40:00.000-05:00

I'm changing.
Emotionally.
Physically.
Changing.

I'm setting myself up.
I'm looking for success.
I'm over it.

Do what you want.
BLAH.

When sex is nothing but sex. It's nothing.
I just want to throw that out there.
Because it took me a while to realize it.
Actually...I realized it. I just didn't want to believe it.

Now, I'll just fuck myself.
HA.

--Kandy

A Quick Smile.

2006-04-22T03:09:00.000-05:00

Yeah, so things are definitely looking up.
The kids who got hurt are getting fixed.
My housing problems are working themselves out.
Life is pretty much grand.

But my heart is still all kinds of fucked.
Go figure.
Hearts and Heads shouldn't mix.
That's what I've decided.
You should be given either a heart. Or a head.
Haha.
Okay, that's quasi....yeah, that's dumb.
But it kind of makes sense. (To me, anyway.)

Logically.
I need to give it up.
Call it a friendship.
And stop caring so damn much.
Kill the desires and quasi-move on.

Heart-ily.
(Yeah, it's a word. Bitches.)
I want to be back in your arms.
Immerced in your love.
I never want to give up on you.
I know it can be a grand romance and a thriving friendship.

Yeah. Talk about an inner battle.
I love it.
Too bad this is what makes me feel alive.
Knowing that you can care for a person so much.
To know that if they were hurt, it'd hurt you 10 fold.
To know if you lost them, you'd do anything to have them back.
To know they're there when you call them.

Yeah. This is real. This is love.
And it makes me happy.
Even when it makes me unhappy.
And if love is real.
You are alive. You feel.
You're here. For-Real.

It's late/early.
I need to go to bed.
I'm typing too randomly.
Crazy kid.
She's insane.
Yeah.
She is.
(Now I'm conversing with myself.)

Bed.
The end.
--Kandy

I'd Like to Think So.

2006-04-19T19:07:00.000-05:00

And You, were unexpected.
But not unwelcome.
Cause you, can wake me anytime.
When I, stumble to the door.
Glad to let you in from the middle of this winter night.
into my heart and my apartment.
A thought crossed my drowsy mind.
Could it be that these arms, were meant to hold her?
Could it be that her head, was tailor made for my shoulder?
And are these fingers designed to be intertwined,
while we watch our feelings grow...I'd like to think so.
And I can't sleep lately, it's a problem I've been having.
So come on over with your charm
And I'll keep you calm.
And you can keep me laughing.
In the middle of the storm.
Here's my jacket, you can have it.
It's not as cold, when you are warm.
Could it be that these arms, were meant to hold her?
Could it be that her head, was tailor made for my shoulder?
And are fingers designed to be intertwined,
while coffee candles glow...I'd like to think so.
And I'm inclined to shy away, but she moves me.
With our words and our movie.
Could it be that these arms, were meant to hold her?
Could it be that her head, was tailor made for my shoulder?
And are these fingers designed to be intertwined,
How am I supposed to know...but, ohhh...I'd like to think so.

Levi left me speechless.
--Kandy

Suprise.

2006-04-19T17:56:00.000-05:00

Misfortune.
Karma.
Payback.
You name it.
I recieved it yesterday.

I'm not mad that I owe a special person even more now.
I'm not mad that my world was crashing down real-quick-like.
I'm not sad for what happened to me.
Nor do I want anyone's pity.
It was a mistake. I'll pay for it. The end.
What happened to me will only make me stronger.
Only makes my will to rise above everything that much braver.
I've got things to prove. I have a short time to do it.
Some things aren't going as well as hoped.
But I still have plans. Backups. And more planning to do.

I am scared now.
I'm scared of the situations I may put myself in.
I'm scared I won't have my parents blessings in what I do.
I'm scared that because of that things won't go as good as they could.
I'm scared that my trust in humanity will be the death of me.
I'm scared of losing everything I have. Physically. Emotionally.
I'm scared of being alone. Scared of attacks. Scared that I'll fall.
Scared of what could have been.

And I am sad.
Sad that people can do that to one another.
Sad that I actually for an inkling of a second felt at ease with those vagrants.
Sad that a friend of mine had to go through that.
Sad that they have physically lost a lot.

But I am also glad.
Glad I still have that friend.
Glad I know how another friend feels about me.
Glad that I'm still feeling pretty strong in my decisions.
Glad that I'm still finding the good among all the crap.
Glad that I know I can pull through this.
Glad I see what everyone else has been seeing.
Glad I'm finding ways to fix it.
Glad I'm in the process of learning. Growing.

My Gladness must out-weigh every other emotion.
I must conquer this situation.
I must be victorious.
I must.
The End.

--Kandy

Question Mark?

2006-04-18T11:11:00.000-05:00

Whoa. So I cleaned up my Friends on MySpace. I got rid of some random things and then I cleaned up people, people I'm not quite ready to be friends with.

Seriously, I didn't mean to hurt anyone. That's not my intention. But I'm too obsessed with MySpace. I sit and I check and I check and look for differences and check. It's so stupid. I'd much rather just not be friends and spare myself the pain of bulletins and blogs. I mean, it's not like I'm mad at the person or anything it's just me getting over stuff. I don't need to be friends on MySpace to be friends in person, that is just odd.

And I hate how they jumped to conclusions and suddenly hate me. That's weird, because I wasn't out to hurt them in the beginning. I guess I didn't realize how seriously people took myspace. How seriously I took myspace. Lame. Very, very Lame.

It's like either way you go, you piss somebody off.
MySpace is straight Gangsta Gay.
Yep.
--Kandy

Miss You? Always. Need You? No.

2006-04-18T02:07:00.000-05:00

Well kids. I've came to the realization that I do not need him anymore. I don't need the things he gives me or the pain he brings me. I just need to be over it.

Don't get me wrong. I love the kid. I always will. But, right now...That's just not what I need. I don't need someone to belittle me. I don't need someone constantly reminding me that I need to grow up. I don't need someone there to kick me when I'm down. I don't need the asshole/honest quality possessed by him. That's the truth.

So here I am. I'm finally going to be me again. Things are going to be good. And if it comes back around, after both, BOTH, of us have changed...then so be it. In the mean time, I'm free game and I'm looking for someone who can like me right now...not after I grow up. Now.

And things are looking really good for me. I'm optimistic again. Screw being a pessimistic bitch and hating life.

I'm not looking for pity parties. But I know some who are.
I'm looking for me. For happiness. For success.
And I'll find it.

The End.
--Kandy

Stick the Knife in.

2006-04-15T03:23:00.000-05:00

And gouge out my heart.

I miss your hugs.
I miss your cuddling.
I miss knowing you're always there for me.
I miss the love we made.
I miss the love we had.
I miss washing the dishes.
I miss kissing you goodnight.
I miss taking showers with you.
I miss getting griped at.
I miss knowing how much you care.
I miss the smell of your apartment.

But most of all. I miss you.

I wish I had an idea of how you felt. What you wanted. What you thought we could be. I wish I did. Because then I'd know and I would either try harder or forget trying at all. I hate how I like to break down at random times and just cry. Just sob. Just snot all over the place. I hate how pathetic I get when I think about you. How the thought of you taking me back in your arms makes me melt. God, I miss you.

But there is so much more to my pain. You have moved on. You have moved on to someone younger. Someone who gets to you in ways I never could. And it hurts terribly to know she's in, what once was, my place. To know she gets to be by your side at night. I hope she cherishes it like I do. I hope she makes you happier then I did. I hope she satisfies you on so many levels. I hope she makes you happy. Because. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. And sadly, no matter how bad it hurts, that's still all I want for you.

Damn me. I wish I was bitter. I wish I could hate you. But here I sit. Loving you just like we're happy and together again. If only it was that simple. If only dreams came true.

--Kandy

Starting It Up. On Mo' 'Gain.

2006-04-13T18:41:00.000-05:00

Well, my MySpace blog has been being read by everybody that I know. And honestly sometimes they don't need to know everything. So here I am. Back over here. Hiding, you could say. But at least here, it's okay for me to blog...because that's what this is about. And I can do it as much as I want and it's whatev. So here goes........

Hm...My life. It's a funny thing. I've decided God works in the most mysterious/mischievious/wonderful ways. He has a great sense of humor. That, I've found, is VERY true. And I don't really care what anyone says about it. I'm finding out that I'm meant for something big. Maybe that's saying too much? Naw, I don't think so. God has me in this place, in this time, for a reason. I'm going to figure it out and show him he made a great choice. Shoot, he already thinks he did...Why shouldn't I?

Right now I'm getting over a break up. The relationship ended 4 days before the big 6 month anniversary. And it has been hard. I've had to fall down a lot, and by a lot I mean a WHOLE F-ING LOT. I've had my ass handed back to me a few times after it was pummled. Yeah. It's been a shitty deal. But here I am. Still going strong. I'm kind of dumb though, I really thought that me and the ex would be getting back together soon. But we're not. I'm sincerely letting it all go because I'm tired of wishing/hoping/dreaming and having it shatter in front of me. If we get back together weeks/months/years from now then it will have been worth it. But I can NOT, any longer, go on hoping that love for me will be professed and we'll live happily ever after. I've got to keep my eyes peeled. He may have just been the introduction...but to that, I say, He was a wonderful intro and the next guy (whether it's him again or not) has a LOT to live up to. Gosh, I sincerely love that kid. Always - Forever.

So let me stop being a hopeless romantic for a while. I'm doing good these days. I'm going to his show tonight. (Of course he's in a band! Hahaha) I love those bass players! And I'm really excited about it. I hope it goes incredibly. I look really freakin' hot right now. I hope he notices. I am so kniving.

Anyways. If you want to get in touch with me I've got an email. kbarnes325@hotmail.com
And I've got a myspace. www.myspace.com/kbarnes

Ch-Ch-Check IT Out!
--Kandy

Dismantled. Dismayed. Dismal.

2005-12-14T22:56:00.000-06:00

:: The Break-Down ::
I'm in North Carolina visiting family for the Holidays. I'm here for a month. I am frozen. Physically? Yes. I can't get the things that need to be done, done. I'm restricted and unhappy. Getting depressed. Falling to pieces. I don't even know why.

:: Problem One - The Family ::
They're bitter. They back stab each other. They add unnecessary stress to my life, while forcing me to put my own life on hold. I'm 19 years old, on my way to becoming a full-fledged adult and I feel like I'm stuck in a world where I'm considered 11 or 12. It sickens me, which moves us on to...

:: Problem Two - The Sickness ::
I'm home sick. I've left my boyfriend, my friends, not to mention the two family members that mean the most to me, my mom and dad. I can't stand being away from it all, because those people are my life. Being here makes me sick too. Physically sick. An old friend of mine is taking me again. I'm trying so hard to stop, but I'm getting depressed and lonely, and I don't know how to handle it. I've cried for the past hour and crying only makes it worse. I'm empty inside and I did it to myself.

I don't know what to do. There is so much that needs to be done and I can't do any of it. I smoked a cigarette today and immediately regretted it. I quit. I promised I wouldn't let anyone down and I did. Not to mention I let down myself. I've been doing that a lot lately. And it's eating at me. I want to be back home. I want all my friends and my freedom...
I'm going to go to bed now. I've got some praying to do.

I miss you all so much. So very much.

--Kandy.

Persistence Pays...

2005-09-23T18:32:00.000-05:00

:: Yes it Does ::
So I pestered the hell out of that photographer. Hahaha. I would make a damn good agent. He's meeting with me tomorrow as long as the Hawian Tropic Calendar girls cancel. And they probably will. I love you Rita. (That was so shallow, I take it back, but it's already been typed and can't be deleted.) Continuing on. I'm very excited about it all. Mwhahahahaha. I can't quit laughing. It's odd. I'm all giddy. I'm being stupid. *Regains Control* -- I think I'll post about this tomorrow when it's all said and done. Until then, you shall be wrapped in utter suspense. ;)
--Kandy

A Post of Abundence...

2005-09-20T22:35:00.000-05:00

This is the only space on the internet I practically own...But only a tender few people know about. So here you will find the most inner thoughts of me, KBarnes. Here goes.

:: The Habit ::
Sadly what was once a habit has crept into my thoughts. How can I explain this? I don't do it anymore if that's what you're wondering. I've conquered that part. But the thoughts and tendencies of previous engagement we had have taken over a part of my life. I do not eat like I once did. I eat. I eat healthy. And I eat nothing else but health. I tried to bring myself to indulge in a fatty food (a nice little 100 Grand Bar half) ... The candy bar is sitting in my refridgerator. I can't eat it. I tried. -- I guess this is a good thing. I mean, I must not want to eat it because I won't. But it's just a weird method of thinking. And I can't get myself out of it.

:: The Stalker ::
I've learned that some people in the big city are sick. They don't know when to quit. I can handle it, but it's taking a lot out of me. There is a slight level of stress looming over me daily. I'm so glad I have friends here, they take care of me very well. I love them all dearly. I love being able to call real friends and tell them my problem and then have them offer to come the distance and beat the hell out of people for me. Having that has kept me sane. Without it...I don't know what I would do. -- Stalking is not cool. Making me feel 100% uncomfortable is not cool. People will notice if I come up missing. Don't try it bitches. :)

:: The Future ::
A lot of good things are happening right now. I'm not scared to post about it over here, because I know if it comes crumbling down it won't be rubbed in my face. Blogger is such a good little buddy of mine. Haha. -- Anyways, I've just recently joined up with a modeling agency. Who would have thought people actually would buy my face. Haha. I'm working on lining up my first photo shoot within the next week. A photographer in Dallas is going to see what he can do with me. I'm putting together a portfolio. As soon as it is up, I'll drop the link on here. I'm going for plus-size modeling of course, but I'm in route to dropping to a size 10. I've been advised that this will open a lot of doors for me, so I'm going for it. (I think that hope might be the thing controlling my eating habits. It's just insane...I've got restraint like never before...And it kind of scares me. And at the same time makes me very happy.) If I could go pro-model, it would make me very, very, very happy. But we'll see where it goes.
:: The Future 2 ::
It is looking like I may soon have a job with a radio station. Not sure as of yet which one...But having more experience can only help to further get me where I want to be. I guess I've got so many dreams and ambition out the ass...It must show. Haha. When I speak to people they must notice a drive and work ethic they don't normally pick up with other people. I'm easily trained and damn good at what I do. Employers like that. And by God, I like it too. Haha

:: The Apartment ::
Soon I will have an Apartment. Next semester in fact. This makes me extatic. I love to finally have my own place to call home. Don't get me wrong...living in the dorms is nice, but I have so much going on right now...I really do need a space of my own. One that is bigger then this dorm room. And I must admit...It would be nice to step into a shower and not see long black hairs stuck to the wall from your roommate. Nice indeed.

:: Conclude ::
So things are going well. Things are getting crazy. And it's just another day in the life of K-Beezy. Haha. Tomorrow I get to see my stalker in 2 classes. I really wish I had a huge, buff, deep voiced man to put on my arm. -- Maybe I'll get one of those in a couple weeks too. Haha.

--KBarnes

Had to Pull it Together...

2005-09-18T16:56:00.000-05:00

Okay. The prior post entitled, "Obsession" was hinting to something. But it's okay now. I'm back under control. 100%. Honest. :)

In other news, I think I've found the love of my life. He doesn't know it. But I want him. Hahaha. Really bad. Hmm...How do you tell someone that you love them? Especially someone you know pretty well. Hmmm...There's a thought. That's all for now though. I suck at posting recently.
--Kandy

Obsession.

2005-09-12T06:04:00.000-05:00

Slowly but surly it's taking over again. I'm trying to stop it, but it's right there. No time to spill everything now. Maybe later.

** KBarnes **