90s Showboat

90s Showboat Closed for Business

2005-03-06T02:24:00.000-08:00

Please see The Showboat for all your Showboating needs.

ROCK VALUES: Luna

2005-02-07T11:17:00.000-08:00

I caught Luna on their farewell tour at the El Rey Friday night. The band played between 10:15 and 11:58, for a total running time of 1 hour, 43 minutes. The total charge on Ticketmaster was $31.50. Therefore, it cost approximately 31 cents a minute to watch Luna. Good value!

Disclaimer: I took college algebra twice, so any figures on this page should be regarded as estimates, and used for entertainment purposes only.

Best Scottish Band Evar?

2005-01-14T17:22:00.000-08:00

The BBC released a list of the ten greatest Scottish bands of all time. Let's go down the list.

#1 - Belle and Sebastian
I don't know who Belle is, but if the Sebastian is close personal Showboat friend Sebastian Bach, then I can understand their ranking on the list, but not their place at number one.

#2 - Travis
The song "Tied to the 90s" off this band's 1997 album Good Feeling could be the 90s Showboat's theme song, if that honor wasn't already taken by Color Me Badd's 1991 ballad "I Wanna Sex You Up".

#3 - Idlewild
No clue.

#4 - Wet Wet Wet
Sucks sucks sucks.

#5 - Sensational Alex Harvey Band
It was really wrong for Mr. Harvey to get his friends to stuff the ballot boxes. For shame.

#6 - Simple Minds
Since our sister site the 80s Catamaran was shut down, I feel it best not to comment on such topics.

#7 - Teenage Fan Club
In the early 90s my older brother listened to a tape of Bandwagonesque quite frequently.

#8 - Bay City Rollers
I'll leave this for the 70s Schooner to comment on.

#9 - Primal Scream
There was a time in the early 90s when you couldn't walk a block without seeing a Black Crowes lunchbox, t-shirt, beer coozie, or action figure. In 1994 Primal Scream released an album called Give Out But Don't Give Up, which was a transparent attempt to cash in on the Black Crowes mania that was sweeping the nation. No one cared. Now their music sounds like the stuff Chris Cunningham would make videos for.

#10 - The Proclaimers
Having made their mark on America with the 1993 Oscarbait retarded-people-in-love epic Benny & Joon, The Proclaimers are what we like to see here on the Showboat. Quickly digested and easily cast off, like the Blind Melon Bee Girl, or Clear Pepsi.

We at the 90s Showboat would like to declare The Proclaimers the GREATEST 90s SCOTTISH BAND EVAR!!!!!!!!! Congrats boys, and yes, I would like fries with that.

BBC article via Fark

All Hail Mungo Mel

2004-12-09T11:45:00.000-08:00

Megan of Overeducated and Underemployed today reported on Mel Gibson's purchase of a private island in Fiji. Mago (pronuounced "Mungo") was bought by Gibson for $15 million dollars. Here's what $15 million gets you:

Natural and abundant pure artesian spring water

400 head of cattle, 16 horses, 300 goats, pigs, and other domestic and non-domesticated animals

An abundance of mango, papaya, grapefruit, etc.

A complete village with 35 people!

Ample space for a Thunderdome

A beach to reenact "Footprints in the Sand"

Congrats, Mungo Mel! We hope one day the Showboat can find safe harbor on Mago. We'll bring the boogie boards!!

"Don't you see, Murtaugh, when there was one set of footprints, that's when I was carrying you. And dislocating my shoulder to escape from a straight jacket."

Showboat's Favorite Things

2004-11-30T07:00:00.000-08:00

Like our good friend Oprah, the 90s Showboat wants to provide you with our exclusive guide to the best and brightest of things to buy this holiday season. I give you... The 90s Showboat's Favorite Things!

Renegade: Season One
Finally rescued from the wasteland of syndicated action shows, is the Lorenzo Llamas mullet pageant known as Renegade. Between 1992 and 1997, the syndicated world thrilled to the adventures of Reno Raines, a man wrongfully accused of a crime he didn't commit. He traveled the countryside with his native american partner Bobby Sixkiller on the trail of real killer "Dutch" Dixon (creator, writer, producer Stephen J. Cannell). This six-disc set from Anchor Bay Entertainment costs just under $40, and will likely include behind the scenes features on avoiding helmet hair and saddle sores.

Bojangles Season Salt
Tastes great on fries! Ain't nothing finer. With MSG! Four 2.75 oz containers for $7.00. Available online at Bojangles.com

Virginity Insurance
The fine folks at Think Geek offer a line of t-shirts that will guarantee that you won't get laid outside of a techincal college or Babylon 5 convention. Prices run from $14.99 up, and are available in sizes ranging from small ("The Skinny Puke") to XXXL ("The Everquest Shut-In").

"Homewrecker" by Wires on Fire
Speaking of virgins, check out the debut EP that deflowered the young men of Wires on Fire. It's available now on the BuddyHead online store or in discriminating record shops.

More of the 90s Showboat's Favorite Things to come!

November surprise

2004-11-22T10:56:00.000-08:00

In the summer of 1996, Nicolas Cage starred in the Connery kickass explosion and stabbing bonanza that is The Rock. He followed it up the next year with Face/Off, but his nineties juice seemed to fade with that summer's "Oz" on an airplane movie, Con Air. Even Dave Chappelle getting run over by a plane and the writer of Kangaroo Jack (aka K-Jack) couldn't help. By the year 2000, Cage's Rock juice had all but run out due to films like Gone in 60 Seconds and Family Man. Discounting Adaptation and Matchstick Men, which returned Cage to his roots of offbeat films, Cage's career as a mainstream action star appeared to be over, thankfully. And now, National Treasure (or, Nat-Treash for those in the know) is number one at the box office. I admit, I haven't actually seen this film. The trailer made it look like a cross between Three Ninjas and Taxi. Thanks to a coalition of red state voters and Davinci Code fetishists, Nat-Treash managed to take in an estimated $35 million at the box office this weekend. I have a feeling once Nat-Treash makes it overseas, the terrorists are going to have one more reason to hate our freedom.

Diebold

2004-11-03T17:38:00.000-08:00

Found these rejected Diebold ad campaigns online.

Silver kitten linings (post-election wrap-up)

2004-11-03T13:37:00.000-08:00

If you're like me, you're a little unhappy about the election results. And if you're like me, these pictures will turn your frown upside down! (Instructions: print, cut, place next to "Dilbert" or "Cathy" comic in your cubicle.)

(inspired by this image, from Ultragrrrl:

"Miss Showboat 1990" of 2004 Crowned

2004-10-29T01:00:00.000-07:00

After the two finalists were chosen, only Cindy Lou Bhotune was able to withstand the Tiara of Fury contest. Congratulations Cindy, and thanks to the folks of Branson, Missouri, for hosting us, and of course, Yakov Smirnoff for doing a great (and hilarious!) job of emceeing the event. Maybe next year we'll allow the competition will be open to young ladies who have above an eighth grade education.

Dr. Showboat (It's an Advice Thing) Coming Soon

2004-10-12T11:50:00.000-07:00

The response to my call for letters to Dr. Showboat (It's an advice thing) has been so overwhelming, that I've had to hire several full-time illegal immigrants to sort and collate all of the submissions I've received. Fear not, readers, Dr. Showboat will be pulling into port next week! TOOT! TOOT!

New Feature: "Dr. Showboat (It's an advice thing)"

2004-09-24T19:54:00.000-07:00

I've decided to use the 90s Showboat's power to give back to the community. That's why I'm launching a new feature, "Dr. Showboat (It's an advice thing)" to help you with your problems. Drop me an email, and I'll solve your problems. Write to me at showboat90@gmail.com
You're welcome.

Just added to the staff.

2004-09-21T15:15:00.000-07:00

(Right to Left) Turbo, Pancho, John Mayer, and Pierre

Boogie Blogging

2004-09-20T01:45:00.000-07:00

New on the celebrity boogie boarding beat is Zach Braff, who admits to "shredding" (the newbie term for sliding on a boogie board) with Golden Girl Bea Arthur in the latest post on his Garden State blog.

Police Bust Cannonball Run

2004-09-15T01:46:00.002-07:00

Police Bust Cannonball Run
Spanish police have busted a Cannonball Run race. 71 luxury cars were impounded, and the ringleaders are being sought. Hal Needham still needs work, Jack Elam is still dead. No word on the Bandit's involvement.

Sliding Giants Diary Day 9: Mojitos with Vangelis

2004-09-07T13:01:00.000-07:00

Aegean Sea, Greece- While waiting for Oliver Stone to return from a medicine walk in Death Valley, I felt it was time to go for one of the biggest and best names in soundtracks, Vangelis.
Vangelis has a majestic spread along the beach, a scale replica of the acropolis, but with a kidney-shaped pool. As I kayaked onto the shore, I was greeted by one of Vangelis' many houseboys.
"My name is Spiros, and I am one of Vangelis' many houseboys," he said. "Follow me up the acropolis steps so that you may behold the glory of Vangelis." I secured my kayak, and followed Spiros up the steps.
I found Vangelis leaning over the edge of the balcony, aiming a pellet gun. He was wearing what could only be described as a Greek muu-muu. He took careful aim, then squeezed the trigger. I heard a dog's yelp nearby. "Take that, you mongrel!" Vangelis yelled. He turned and saw me standing there. "My next door neighbor is Yanni. His dogs come over into my property and shit upon my lawn. I make sure to keep my Bichon on a chain in the back yard, but Yanni lets his mongrels run free. I have no proof, but I sometimes suspect Linda had something to do with it all. But don't get me wrong, Yanni and I are not mortal enemies, as I would have you believe. In fact, last summer when Tesh moored his housboat in the harbor, Yanni and I joked that we should look out for Tesh going through our garbage cans, hoping to take some of our scraps, much like he does on the new age charts!"
"I am sorry to be so brief, Vangelis, but I'd like to get down to business before the tide changes. I came here by kayak," I told Vangelis. "Ah yes, kayak. What the boogie board is to the surf board, so the kayak is to the boat. In my youth I kayaked these very islands, carrying only a double-edged knife and a tupperware container of feta cheese. At night I would light a bonfire, feast on the flesh of a recently-killed boar, and top it off with some feta," Vangelis reminisced. "But that was long ago. You will stay this evening as my guest. In the morning my pontoon boat will carry you and your kayak back to the mainland. Tonight, we will have a great feast. Plus, we're having a pet funeral. My gerbil Mr. Knick-Nack died." Vangelis pointed to where several of his houseboys were preparing a miniature funeral pyre. He turned to his houseboy, "Mojitos, Spiros!" and smacked him on the ass.
Returning to the subject, I interjected. "Have you had a chance to read the script yet? I think that Sliding Giants will be a project worthy of your musical talents. It's a story for everyone eight to eighty." Vangelis seemed confused. "I don't understand what is happening with your movie. First you tell me it is one title, then another, and back to the original. Then you tell me Oliver Stone directs, then he does not, and then the movie is completely different from the one you originally sent me. I am but a simple Greek new age musician. I don't know of your Hollywood ways, but please, explain me." And with that, I grew more confused.
"Sliding Giants is, has been, and always will be, the story of two young men competing to become the best boogie boarders in the world." Vangelis snapped his fingers, and one of his houseboys approached carrying a small wooden chest. Vangelis opened the chest and pulled two screenplays out. He tossed them to me.
The first screenplay was the most recent draft of Sliding Giants, dated August 14, 2004. The second screenplay was titled Chariots of Sliding written by Paul Schrader and Renny Harlin, the team behind Exorcist: The Beginning.
As the sun set over the Aegean Sea, the funeral pyre for Mr. Knick-Knack was lit. I felt a burn that began in my stomach and worked it's way up to my ears. I briefly considered that it was the gyro I had eaten earlier that day, but I knew this was different. This was business.

that show I never watched but would like to

2004-09-03T13:04:00.000-07:00

Did anyone ever see a show on MTV called Austin Stories? It ran on the network where music reigns supreme from 1997-1998. I only saw a few episodes, but I think it might have been worth checking out. If anyone has a tape they could send me, let me know. You might just get a discounted item at the 90s showboat shopstravaganza.

Sliding Giants Diary Day 3: Sliding with Stone

2004-08-31T09:30:00.000-07:00

Sliding Giants Diary: Day 3
OUTSIDE BARSTOW, CA - It's one month until the production of Sliding Giants begins, and we're still without a director. Talks with the directing team of Renny Harlin and Paul Schrader, the directors of Exorcist: The Beginning have fallen through when it was discovered that they were not in fact a directing team. So we were back at square one, until we got a call from Oliver Stone's people. That's how I found myself in Stone's desert compound on this dusty California afternoon.
Stone was shooting at old Ragu spaghetti sauce jars when I appraoched him. He turned around. "So you're the boogie boarding 90s nostalgia guy, huh?"
"My reputation precedes me," I replied.
Stone squinted his eyes and stared at me for several seconds. He then began to laugh. "You're okay in my book, pal. Look over here."
Stone ran behind an old RV. I followed to find him running a garden hose in a large mud puddle. "You beach people think you've got a lock on boogie boarding. Thanks to my keen intellect, I've designed this desert boogie boarding simulator. Here, go stack these on those cinder blocks over there." Stone handed me a bag full of Ragu jars. I stacked them, then rejoined Stone.
Stone dropped a plywood boogie board on the ground. "Watch this!" Stone had a running start and jumped on the boogie board, sliding across the patch of mud. He was waving his 357 Magnum around, trying to get aim on the Ragu jars. He lost his balance and landed on his backside in the mud. "Shit! Fuckin' gravity." Stone handed me his muddy gun. "Run this under the hose, chief. And make it snappy, I got something to show you." He walked toward my brand-new tricked-out Scion xB and waited to get in. I followed and handed him back his rinsed-off Magnum. "What's your fuckin' problem? If we were in Vietnam, you'd be dead right now." "It's just, this is a brand-new tricked-out Scion xB, and your pants are covered in mud." Without saying another word, Stone kicked off his flip-flops, and took his pants off. He put his flip flops back on, and entered my brand-new tricked-out Scion xB, wearing only a promotional Wall Street T-shirt and the whitest pair of Fruit of the Loom seen by the human eye.
"You know, all of the protagonists in my films were boogie boarders," Stone said after firing a shot at a roadsign from the passenger window of my brand-new tricked-out Scion xB as we drove down the highway. "Jim Garrison? Boogie boarder. Jim Morrison was a big-time boogie boarder. He used to call boogie boarding 'riding the snake.' People always thought that meant he was off shooting up. Nope, he was in Malibu, sliding the shore. Ron Kovic? Couldn't boogie board. Legs didn't work. Mickey and Mallory? Lived in a desert. No boarding to be had. That's why they started killin'." Stone was selling himself on his boogie-boarding cred. "My one problem, however," Stone continued, "is the time period. A lot of people forget that Bobby Cooper was a boogie boarder. "Who's Bobby Cooper?" I asked. "Why, the protagonist of my 1997 film U-Turn," Stone replied as he fired off another shot into the passing roadside. "Pull into this hamburger stand." Stone pointed at an abandoned Arby's. I pulled over and stone got out. He scratched his head with the barrel of his pistol. "I'm good here. Have your people get in touch with my people, and we'll do us a movie." And with that, Oliver Stone walked around into the back of the empty Arby's, and hopefully, into movie and boogie boarding history.

Behind the Scenes of "Sliding Giants" Day 1

2004-08-27T12:59:00.000-07:00

As reported in an earlier edition of 90s Showboat, we're planning the release of our boogie boarding film Sliding Giants. Thanks to a generous grant from the Chubb group, production is GO! We've got a script, and we're currently meeting with directors. We're meeting with the ultra-hot directors Renny Harlin and Paul Schrader, the team behind Exorcist: The Beginning. We're also in talks with Joey Pants and Billy Saddlebags to play competing boogie board gurus. And, I don't want to spoil anything, but a certain star of "Reba" has agreed to make a special guest appearance. In addition to our usual reporting on 90s nostalgia and boogie boarding, we'll be following the production of this film, through to premiere, then onto the DVD release. Sliding Giants: Premiering Sundance 2006

Make Your Vote Count

2004-08-20T10:17:00.000-07:00

My friend Matt has entered his 1989 Toyota van in a Florida radio station ripoff "Pimp My Ride" contest and needs people to vote for him. Click here to vote, look for Matthew's Toyota van halfway down the page. Radio station contests are generally lame, but do it for the children. And tell 'em Jacob Bluebird sent you.

The Murray Reloaded

2004-08-19T17:37:00.000-07:00

Overeducated and Underemployed reported, thanks to Chromewaves that the new Wes Anderson film The Life Aquatic has its first trailer up on Yahoo. I just came across this really cool 1999 Bill Murray interview on the blog of Jessica Lee Jernigan.

Kenny Rogers, roasting

2004-08-18T11:45:00.000-07:00

One fateful day in 1991, legendary country superstar Kenny Rogers joined forces with the masterminds behind Kentucky Fried Chicken to create Kenny Rogers Roasters, a restaurant based on the principles of wood-burned rotisserie chicken and smooth contemporary country music. Things were looking up for Kenny. And his Roasters. His chain of restaurants grew to 350 in number. The corn muffins were excellent. But then, the bottom dropped out of the roasters industry. As "The Gambler," Kenny knew when to hold 'em. And he also knew when to fold 'em. He knew when to walk away. And he knew when to file for bankruptcy. Kenny Rogers Roasters filed for bankruptcy in 1998. In 1999 the company was bought out by the hot dog company Nathan's. Today, Kenny Rogers' legacy lies next to that of Arthur Treacher's, another holding of the Nathan's. This story is not over, however. As long as Kenny maintains a well-groomed moustache, or makes sweet love to his "Lady," the dream of Kenny Rogers Roasters will live on.

Scientists: T. rex lived fast, died young

2004-08-11T18:54:00.000-07:00

scientists have finally proven the link between living fast and dying young

reach for the sun, asshole!

2004-08-10T09:00:00.000-07:00

"I don't want to over-dramatize the situation, but there were two or three minutes when I thought I was going to be in Guantanamo Bay with the Abu Ghraib people holding a thumbs up while pointing to my penis. I wasn't really scared about Guantanamo, I just didn't want people to see my penis. I'm a very private person."

Tetris: The Game: The Movie

2004-08-09T11:03:00.000-07:00

Check out Mega 64 for some live action Tetris.

the day the music died, bitch

2004-08-06T12:31:00.000-07:00

Rick James
1948-2004