Tales of a Mommy Karateka

A very cool video

2008-07-01T11:14:00.000-07:00

Check this out. This is a compilation of pics put together by a kohai of mine pertaining to our Sensei's godan shiai this past winter. It's what we're about, baby!

Fear

2008-06-30T12:02:00.000-07:00

Where does fear come from exactly? Is it purely an instinctual reaction or something much deeper, and is there such a thing as deeper than instinct? The fight or flight reaction is based in the instinctual part of our brain and surfaces in times of extreme stress, but does fear also reside in the same house? There seem to be so many levels that contribute to this response: the instant fear, the phobia, the I-should-really-be-afraid kind of fear.

When I began my karate journey I was afraid to perform solo in front of the class. After a while, through diligence and repetition, that fear eventually subsided. However, there's still the hint of sweaty palms, the racing heart beat every single time I get up in front of the class to perform a kata alone. Fear, in that sense, remains instinctual. I don't think about it, don't recognize that I'm afraid, yet I still feel the anxious body reaction as I stand in front of the class, ready to spring forth like a tiger.

There was also the fear surrounding sparring with another person. In our dojo the introduction to sparring for new students is with bunkai. This means one person throwing a specified strike and the other performing a specified defense technique or combination of techniques. The fight or flight response was so present when I was new to bunkai, and yet again I still feel it insinuate itself into my stomach to this very day.

Fear is a very complex emotion and to overcome that fight or flight response, the dumping of adrenaline and cortisol, is a very difficult thing to do. These days I enjoy sparring, although not the heavy kind where you need gear in order to prevent serious injury. I find that slow-flow is a much better way to hone sparring skills because you work on controlling the adrenaline dump, are actually forced to, in order to remain calm and relaxed. As soon as you stiffen up the fight or flight response has won and the energy it takes to get back to center can wear you right out.

There is also a whole other type of fear, the one related to your children. My son is an extremely active boy, climbing, running, dare deviling. With each of those actions I find my heart thumping against my chest, my palms sweating up a storm. I often have to control the impulse to go scoop him up in order to prevent him from slamming his head into the ground or falling off of a rock. There have been bruises and bumps, but that's all a part of growing up. With him there seems to be very little fight or flight involved in many of his actions.

The desire to experience far outweighs the desire to prevent injury.

He's three. Where does this begin to change?

I love the fact that he's so active and willing to explore, yet at the same time I keep finding more gray hairs underneath the red than I would like. It also takes an immense amount of energy to control the adrenaline dump when you are a parent. Perhaps this is why I have found it easier to do in karate class lately. I get plenty of practice at home.

What I did on my summer vacation

2008-06-28T17:25:00.000-07:00

I was here. It was good. Seriously, vacation was much-needed and it's too bad that it couldn't have been a bit longer. However, there is only so much time one can spend with one's family before one gets really agitated. I spent Tuesday through Saturday of this past week at this amazing lake house with my entire family. We go there every summer at the end of June. This house sleeps at least 30, so there's plenty of space, but three crazy kids and six crazier adults can make for an exhausting time. Don't get me wrong, folks, I had a wonderful vacation. We had one solid day of rain and the rest was sunny and partly sunny. Not bad for early summer in Vermont. I was also able to attend a karate class (man, I just can't let it go, even for one darn week....) at the mother dojo. It was so amazing. The class was a toughie and focused primarily on kihones, especially kage uke along with sebake and sudiash and following through with a seiken tsuki. We then translated that while receiving a punch to the head, using the kage uke and striking with mawashe tsuki to the temple, jaw or carotid artery. I lucked out and worked with Sensei Morallo, and it was so worth the time. He showed me how to root down with my rear leg and send the chi shooting up through the leg, up the back, along my scapula, down my arm and through my fist. The result was an effortless punch that packed a huge amount of power. This was the first time I was actually able to get it to work. I rocked the Sensei, yay me! Now I know how this man can send another man flying across the room with apparently no strength. My plan is to go to this same class every other week so that I can train with him in order to supplement the training with my Sensei. The two together will add so much to what I'm trying to learn before I move. What was so wonderful about this experience is that I finally "got" how to translate hara into my strikes and not just my movements. It was just a simple twist of the knee and hip, that's all it took.

Hara you doin'

2008-06-20T15:52:00.001-07:00

Recently I've been thinking a lot about how connecting with hara really, really improves your karate. It's a simple thing really: move from hara and the move is effortless. For me it's happened a lot lately, mostly when I'm teaching a technique to someone else. When I'm in that situation I'm not thinking about how the move works, I just do it. I show how the technique is supposed to go and spend no time thinking about it. It's the thinking that hinders performance. When my brain gets too involved in the technique it doesn't work the way it needs to. In our style both hard and soft movements are incorporated into the self-defense techniques. Go too hard and the technique falls apart. Go too soft and the technique has no substance. Somewhere in the middle lies a technique that originates from hara. For most of my karate career this has been an elusive feeling. It is now not quite so elusive, but in trying to teach someone else how to move from hara the "mysterious" properties have resurfaced themselves. It's really not magical but completely practical. However, how do you describe to someone who has no idea how to move in a karate way how to move in a karate way using hara? It's damn difficult. The thing is, you can't put your brain into it in that way, either. You just do it.

So, have you ever incorporated plyometrics into your martial arts training? We did the other day in class. Plyometrics are very exhausting, I tell you! Today my left calf is so sore I have a slight limp (yeah, yeah, poor me, I know. Don't cry for me, baby! I do this to myself...) and going down stairs is slightly challenging. I suppose it's time to incorporate them on a regular basis. They really are a beautiful thing, and for what they give you muscle performance-wise, it's worth the initial pain. The series we did incorporated an aerobic step. We jumped onto the top from a squat position, we jumped up and over from a squat position, we jumped up and over with a turn from a squat position. This and more. Ugh, it was awesome!

Well, I'm off to lovely Lake Bomoseen this week for some rest and hopefully relaxation. I plan on doing much playing about in the water, finishing a few knitting projects (I start them and never finish because I move onto something else. Hey, I get bored!) and read many books. It will also give me a chance to visit the "mother" dojo (I really have to find the right name for that) to train and talk to Sensei Morallo about opening up my own Koro Ken dojo. Ooo, so exciting!

Kung Fu Panda

2008-06-10T13:01:00.001-07:00

This weekend I took my son to his first movie. It was purely a selfish act, I'll admit that now. We saw "Kung Fu Panda". This was one great movie, with a simple, yet profound lesson for all you serious martial artists out there (and you know who you are...). Profound? In animation? Yes! It's a must-see, go now. Skadoosh!

What color do you wear?

2008-06-04T11:53:00.000-07:00

Today I meandered on over to Charles James Sensei's blog and found a very, very interesting thing. The message was clear: not everyone who wears a black belt really IS a black belt. It got me thinking, am I a black belt or do I just wear one? My training over nine years has consisted of so much repetition, so many kicks, so many punches, and many, many rounds of kata. Does that time warrant me wearing a black belt? Recently I've begun looking back to how I felt when I first began karate, but it has been hard for me to re-capture the feeling of being really new. Now that I wear a black belt, do I feel a different kind newness? When I train now I always look to the new feelings that crop up with old moves. I'm constantly aware of how I'm moving, constantly aware that there is still so much for me to learn. There's also this itch to go so much further, and how does that happen? To me this signifies that I am a black belt. If I just wore a black belt, I believe that all of my actions would come from ego-elephantitis. I see it in my dojo, and it's not pretty. Not many have this, but when I see it I think that where I am coming from is so different. For me my training is about improving spirit, improving movement, improving skill, but also keeping myself humble and open to learning from my kohai. If I keep in mind that I'm always a new student whenever I enter the dojo, my training will always show me new things. This does not make the shodan path any easier to follow. In fact it has made it so much harder. I relish that difficulty because it makes me stronger.

You may have noticed that I deleted a few posts. When I wrote them I was coming from a place of anger and frustration. I feel that now I have resolved the issue I no longer need to be reminded of what happened. Going through that experience and conquering those feelings of inadequacy really moved me along in my training. I feel more confident in my teaching, more true to myself as a martial artist. I am indeed a black belt and earned every ounce of it. That, of course, does not make me an expert. On the contrary, I'm still a newbie.

Ah, I can breathe again

2008-05-27T09:57:00.001-07:00

Class was fun! We did a lot of defense off of grabs and relaxing into them. This has been my biggest battle, relaxing that is. I get so tense when I'm grabbed. My water needs to flow downhill...There was even a moment when I grabbed my sempai's leg and thought I was going to pick him up and throw him. Really, I did! Too much muscle. I'm forever muscling.

Finding a new school

2008-05-16T07:52:00.000-07:00

At the end of August my family and I will be relocating to the beautiful Burlington, Vermont area. This move, however, will result in a lot of change for me. This change consists of 1. leaving my 10 year massage therapy business that I built myself and 2. leaving my dojo where I have trained for 9 years. When my husband and I first started to plan this move I was resistant to this change and kept changing my mind about where to move to and when. After much thought and looking inward I have come to terms with the fact that I will be leaving the area where I grew up. This is not a bad thing. Burlington and it's surrounding towns offer so much more for my family, so much more for our future. My husband does not like where we live now and he does not have much of a future in terms of employment opportunities if we were to continue living here. He grew up near Burlington and longs to return to where all of his friends are. Me, I have my ups and downs. I know Burlington and lived there for five years when I attended the University of Vermont (where I got a degree in wildlife biology. Go figure) and to this day have wanted to return. But the sense of loss that I am feeling really pulls at my gut and there's a part of me that's just not happy to go.

The reason for this post is to write about leaving my dojo and my sensei. There will still be opportunities for me to train, just not on the regular schedule that I have now. My family lives here and I will be travelling here on the weekends, when I can attend a Saturday class. However, I am currently training to test for nidan, which I'm not sure I will be able to do once I move. Burlington has many, many martial arts available, but I'm used to forms and tradition. There is not one karate dojo, so maybe it's time I start my own (with permission from Master Morallo, of course). That, however, makes me a little scared since I do not feel I am ready to open a dojo where I am the head teacher. Yikes! There is so much more I want to learn first before I teach my style to strangers. It's going to be very hard for me to leave my dojo and the family feeling that I have cultivated there. My sensei is so extraordinary and that will make it difficult for me to find another place to train.

Most of the martial arts in Burlington consists of Kempo, more Kempo , Brazilian Jujitsu, Taekwondo, Aikido and Kung Fu. Kung Fu is where I am leaning since it is a form-based school and I have always been fascinated by this martial art. I tried a kempo school and it just didn't fit with what I wanted out of a dojo, although the self-defense aspect would be invaluable to my training. Kata is very important to me and through kata I have learned an incredible amount about how to move. Sparring is important, too, but I don't believe the Kung Fu school has this. I can always go somewhere else to fill that need. I have two friends who are both at the nidan level in Kempo and they are more than happy to spar. BJJ is also a possibility since I really like grappling, but have not had much experience. My body type is perfect for BJJ, but I'm just not sure if I want to put it through that kind of training.

So, the quest for a new school begins in September. In my heart I will not be leaving my dojo, and I need to open myself up for other opportunities. This will only further my experience as I travel down my martial arts path. It really is a Way for me, and I want it to continue on in that fashion.

Training in the grass

2008-05-14T15:48:00.000-07:00

I was asked to post a picture of my sensei that I mentioned in a previous post. Well, as soon as I remember to ask his permission I will do so. The picture is now in my computer and is awaiting approval...

Today I went to the local park with a dojo mate to train. It was clear blue skies, 70 degree weather, in other words, a perfect day for karate on the grass. This particular friend just started in our dojo this past fall and has yet to test for her yellow belt. However, the drive this woman has is fantastic. You can feel her excitement to learn, can almost taste her level of commitment (although I'm not really sure what that would taste like...maybe like a strong coffee.) It's always a pleasure for me to train with her, which most often includes me teaching. Today we reviewed our separate bunkai: Saifa for me and Empi, Taikyoko Shodan/Nidan for her. I've been wanting to dive into bunkai lately since we haven't been spending any time with the upper kata. This seems to happen a lot. We have some new people so we spend most of our class on the first four kata and the bunkai for each one. This is not a bad thing, mind you, since having those flow without thought is so important once you reach shodan. However, I have never learned all of the bunkai for most of my upper level kata and really want to have a working relationship with them. This would most likely require a private session with sensei, or at least an upper belt class. We have those. I'm working.

Anyway, we also worked on our kicks, especially the balance aspect related to kicking. I taught her inside/outside mikazuki geri (crescent kick) today. Those, besides mawashi geri, are my favorites. Yesterday she asked me to show her how to do spinning kicks and I originally told her no since I wasn't sure she was ready. I had her show me mae geri keage and kikomi and mawashi geri and she looked solid. So, I showed her the beginnings of a spinning kick after class. Although I do not use them in sparring I do feel they have value to balance training. Plus they look so fancy! I think that's why most beginners desire to learn them...

Balance training. It is imperative that a beginner learn this early (at least in my opinion). Balance is so important in every aspect of karate and to learn it and master it early on makes life so much easier. I often find myself standing on one leg and throwing a variety of kicks. I also train kicks very slowly in order to train hara. Some people really have to fight for balance and for others it's second nature. Karate training really helps those who have to fight for balance because the repetive nature really hones the muscle memory, specifically the proprioceptors. This, in turn, results in a more finely tuned movement where you are able to shift and change much easier and much faster. For example, today we also worked on me throwing punches to the face and my dojo mate lightly deflecting them with an open palm. At first she was plodding around on the grass, slapping my hands away. When I showed her that the hand movement was more like an instant contraction of an initially relaxed hand, she immediately changed her movement and the light went on. Then as soon as I showed her that when she was moving to use evasive maneuvers (sudiash and sabake ) she also quickly shifted. The result was a smoother, more attentive way of moving. I love it when the lightbulb lights up so fast.

Back to myself

2008-05-08T11:36:00.000-07:00

It always seems that when you have something that prevents you from training and you take a little time off and then return the class is sure to be a tough one. That happened today. However, I love these moments. There was a time when I hated it with a passion and would often feel like crying, like I couldn't hold kibadachi one more second. It was in those moments where I learned the most, especially how to breathe through hara, breathe into my ribs instead of my chest, expand the entire torso with breath. At that moment when you feel at your weakest you are actually at your strongest. There you reach mushin because your body physically can no longer hold on, but your spirit stays strong and guides you through the kihones. I went there today and it felt fabulous. There is this new picture of sensei sitting on the desk as you walk into the gym. It was taken at his godan shiai. In this picture he's covered in sweat and it looks as if he's about to fall to the ground from exhaustion. Upon closer inspection you notice his eyes, notice how sharp they are, and you notice he has reached mushin and zanshin, the perfect combination. It's an amazing picture. This is the place we all strive to be in during our training, and especially during those moments of physical discomfort and of self-defense. The place where it all "just happens", without thought, without ego. You are moving as an entire unit. I've discovered that this is a place not easily accessible, especially if you have any ego in your training. It is also a place where you must respect yourself and your abilities as a martial artist.

Tooth is out, back to training.

Pity me

2008-05-06T08:59:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm feeling very frustrated. Last Tuesday I had a molar prepped for a crown and afterwards everything went downhill. The pain I experienced was only quelled by 800mg of ibuprofen every four hours and a percoset to sleep. Then the right side of my face swelled up to my temple. I did go back to the dentist this past Saturday and he felt that I had had some reaction to the novocain injections (he had given me four. I haven't really been able to open my mouth, either...), but decided to put me on antibiotics just in case. Well, today the swelling is practically gone, but the pain is worse. So, I'm getting it pulled in two hours since the money for the root canal isn't there right now (we won't get into that. That's what my other blog is for). Pity me, right? I haven't been able to eat solid food for a week. When I attempted that the pain got much worse. This has affected my training, which #$%%$# me off to no extent. All the hard work I've been putting in, the time I've put in to heal my shoulder. All I want to do is get back to my push-up routine, my sprinting plus calisthenics! Argh! This extraction will go smoothly and I will be back in class on Thursday happy as a clam, with a missing tooth. I could say I got into a fight....and you should see the other guy!

Anyway, training is at a standstill just for the moment, but will resume. There's just a certain amount of venting I need to do with moments like these.

Kids shows

2008-05-01T10:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is a great clip. Our son, Griffyn, enjoys this show called The Backyardigans. If any of you have kids you probably have seen this and sing right along with the great tunes they come up with. This particular show is a favorite, and you'll see why. By the way, we went to see them live yesterday. You know you're a parent when you're more excited than your child is to go see a live showing of their favorite characters. Ah, parenthood...

Post delay!

2008-05-01T10:15:00.000-07:00

Oops, I meant to post long ago, but the days have gotten the better of me. The shoulder is doing fabulously and I've been a "good girl". Really. Most of the time when I'm injured it takes a straightjacket to keep me from doing the things I shouldn't. This time I know that if I don't follow the treatment rules I'll have to stop training, and that's just not going to happen. I think I would go crazy. Okay, very exaggerated. At the least I would be sad. So, what has been happening? I've begun a better diet more streamlined towards my training, which means during the week I'm eating 4-5 small meals with a protein/carb combo and limited fats. This has been only a little difficult since I'm the cookie queen. And the scone queen. And occasionally the ice cream queen. However, I'm allowing myself a day of indulgence. At first I thought this might sabotage my eating since I absolutely love to eat (it's a minor miracle that I don't way 300 pounds. Although knowing what I would look like at that weight certainly keeps me from going there...). I'm also working on doing other types of exercise, like yoga and power walking (you will never catch me running for fun) in order to keep the body going. My PT recommended that I now begin exercising to do martial arts since my age (36) will now prevent me from recovering the way I used to when I was thrown around in my 20's. The thing is I often find that my entire body hurts, sometimes in such a way that I can barely make it out of bed. He seems to think that it's more my body type (stocky, muscular, short tendons) and the fact that inflammation is causing most of my pain. Thus the change in diet. So far, so good. As soon as the shoulder is good to go I'll start doing vinyasa flow for a more dynamic stretch. I love to do them, they make me feel great.

Class has been going very well lately. I taught the other day. It's still so foreign to me to lead a class by myself. I'm so self-conscious and often feel that the students are getting nothing out of what I'm saying. Of course that's not true and it's just my inner-sabotager talking. I know that the more I do it the more comfortable I will feel. The other thing I do while teaching is participate while I'm instructing. This doesn't alway work, especially if you have new students who need to be watched and guided. So, I changed that tactic and it was for the better. If I want to open my own dojo in Burlington down the road, this has to become a comfortable thing for me to do.

Sort of side-lined

2008-04-15T12:12:00.000-07:00

About three months ago I was holding hand pads while sensei pounded into them. As he threw his right cross into the right pad I lost focus for a split second, the second where he connected and my arm flew behind me. Of course there was pain and I had to stop and hold onto my arm, but then continued on. That's always the case, hmm? You get hurt but then figure it's not that bad and keep going. Well, now that shoulder is not doing well at all and I requested physical therapy. I went today (he's also a good friend of mine and dojo mate) and while I can still do karate I cannot do many of the blocks and strikes. Anything that goes above my head or too far into abduction is not on the menu for the next four weeks. At least I can still train! I'm also forbidden to do push-ups and heavy bag training (at least with my arms. I can still kick!), which makes me sad since that's been my weight training recently. But, if it means my shoulder will get better and that I won't have to get a cortisone shot then I'm more than happy to make those small sacrifices. Train smart. As for the handstand push-ups, I got halfway down and back up, but now I have to stop those as well. The reality is I need my shoulder to heal so that I can continue doing karate the way I want to. That's the important piece. The lessons aren't only in how you train, but how well you keep your body going, too. Injuries are a pain but they can teach you to slow down and pay more attention. The world will not end if I can't keep up the level of training I want to for the next four weeks. It just means I now have the opportunity to work on those pieces that need polishing. No biggie.

You have got to believe

2008-04-10T12:54:00.000-07:00

You really, really do. Today I believed in my technique, in my self more importantly. The past two classes have been primarily on bunkai of Gekasai Dai Itchi and Ni. For Itchi there are five bunkai (at least in our system) and for Ni there are two. The very last Itchi bunkai has been difficult for me to get right ever since I learned it, oh, seven years ago. Today it just clicked. It finally went smoothly. The tricky part of this particular bunkai is to step straight back away from the punch (a chodan punch) in order to "suck" it into you (which forces the uke forward even more into their strike), while at the same time striking a pressure point found on top of the forearm (just below the elbow) with one hand and performing an uchi block with the other. It's like a windmill, or a whip, type of strike/block which results in the arm of the uke being thrown behind him/her. At this point you then move in for a double punch, one aimed near the bladder and the other at the solar plexus. Seems simple, right? Well it's not! At least for me it hasn't been. I've always performed it cautiously, aiming at the pressure point, making sure my uchi threw the arm back in a whipping motion and then moving in for the strike. Today I just decided to believe that the two hands moving in unison would find their marks. Well, it worked. Funny thing, belief. But you have to give yourself over to it and leave doubt completely out of the equation. As soon as my brain started to assess this move it would not work. In fact, I treated all the bunkai in this way today and it went so smoothly. Just let go, seems simple, doesn't it?

Aikido

2008-03-27T10:26:00.000-07:00

Oooo, class was so much fun today! Remember the student I was teaching and I got this weird vibe and all? Turns out he's actually pretty darn cool. He did aikido for seven years and today he taught our class. It was fantastic! I'd done some aikido before, but only briefly, but we have done the rolling and falling used in aikido in our dojo for as long as I can remember. I love the roll and today at the end of class boy did we roll! We also practiced the first escape you learn, and I have no idea what it was called. You use tenken stepping to move off to the side so that you are shoulder to shoulder with the tori and then step back using your arm to ward off and drop the tori. It's a beautiful move. I think all aikido is beautiful, but have never been around an aikido dojo. However, when we move I believe there is one near where we are going so I may just have to join. I love aikido, love the way the movements are executed. It suits my body. The best part is that it stresses the use of ki and hara, which is so important in any martial art. Muscle will only get you so far. Sensei remarked today how we will be doing more of this in the weeks to come. The trick is to practice it inbetween those days. So far I've incorporated another day in the dojo to practice. Now I just need more people to practice with. There's a kohai that's been practicing with me, but more bodies means more learning, but I'll take what I can get! This kohai is really good and he's a san kyu which means he's been around for a while. We'll see. Once the weather is tolerable we'll go outside to train, which I absolutely love. Soon enough.

It never really ends, does it...

2008-03-21T10:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was challenged on a few diffierent levels with a new student. Apparently this man had previous experience with judo and aikido but had not practiced in some time. First thing, used to those styles and not karate, which is a bit "harder". Sensei sent me over to him to go through eight point blocking. So, we commenced. Went into horse with him facing me and began the blocks. He then sat in a horse stance that was too low (down on my level, which is low since I was much shorter than he was) and leaned too far forward. I said, "you don't have to sit that low" and he shrugged his shoulders and stayed there. So I stopped with the blocks and corrected the stance. All this time I'm getting a very defensive feeling from him, and was not sure if it was me or really him. Moving on. I faced him again and this time he was standing upright. I asked him to get back into horse stance and he said, "Why." Hmm. My response was, "this is how we train. We stand in horse stance when we do blocks to train the legs and to train our bodies to get used to a different way of moving." No comment, another shrug of the shoulders. Then I stood in front of him and we both faced the mirror. I tried to move off to the side so that he could see himself in the mirror, but every time I moved he just moved back behind me. I noticed that he was watching me while we went through the blocks, if only to see the blocks. When I mentioned that he should watch himself in the mirror his blocking became much smoother. He also had asked me some other question that I cannot remember right now, but I gave him an answer that surprised me. I remember feeling surprised at how easily I had answered his question. This was an incredible learning experience for me because I've been having difficulty speaking clearly when I'm instructing. It is far easier for me to show the movement than to explain the movement. When I get into explaining I often say too much, add too many things into the equation. This time I did not do that and I was definitely put on the defense with how he was taking my instruction. I'm glad for this experience because I'm sure it will not be the last time I will feel this way. Lessons come when you need them. I'm not sure what the defensive feeling was. Maybe because his reactions seemed a little lackadaisical and it bothered me. Or that could just be who he is. I was only with him for five minutes tops, but first impressions are made within the first seven seconds (or something like that) of meeting someone. With new students sensei will send over his upper belts one at a time to teach different things.

I'm going to cut into this post with something else. I just got off the phone with a client of mine who's husband (also a client of mine. Both of them very close to me) had a massive stroke three weeks ago. He passed last night at home with his family around him. This man was in his early 70's and still working carpentry (he had his own business), going at it like a madman. This man never stopped. Every time he came in for his massage I would get the biggest hug and kiss from him, a bear hug! Full of life and love. He would do anything for those close to him. Never a hateful word from his mouth. He was very true with who he was and how he lived his life. I'm filled with a profound sadness right now. Yet another lesson to learn is about death. This may not be the appropriate blog to put this in, but I think it just may be right. My path right now is all about being okay with who I am and where I am going. Death is a major player and I'm afraid of it. Who isn't? It's also about being honest with my feelings, sadness being one of them right now. I think that when you are in the moment in karate it's your truest self performing the moves because if it's not the moves just don't work. It's so obvious, at least to me, when someone is distracted and they are in class. I will miss this man very much, but this is also life. It's a big circle.

Why do I stay?

2008-03-20T05:15:00.000-07:00

I've been reading chapters in "In the Dojo" by Dave Lowry as I get the chance. It's a wonderful book and I'm sure many of you have read it. I just finished the chapter on students and the last paragraph was a good one. If you ask any karateka why they started you will get many different answers that come easily. However, ask that same karateka why they stay and they may not be able to give an answer right away. It seems to get a little more complicated the longer you are "in it". At least that's the way it's been for me. Why do I stay? There are a few typical reasons: I love it, it makes me feel great, it's always a learning experience. If you ask me to look a little deeper I have to do a little more thinking about why I stay. At this point in my journey I have more frustration with my training, mostly due to being too hard on myself, asking to much. There is only so much I can do right now, and that's not an excuse. I train at least four days a week. I would train seven, but there are other factors in my life right now that also need my attention and I need to recognize that and respect that. There's work and there's my family. Training around my three year old is never a good idea. He gets upset, wants my attention, which he should have. There will be a time when he will be right at my side doing kata and kihones (at least I hope he will be there) and it will be easier to train with him. My husband also needs my attention. While he understands how important karate is in my life that understanding only goes so far. He is not a karateka and will never be one, and I also need to understand that.

Karate is always on my mind: how my positioning could be better, how my hara could be stronger, how do I get those two to co-exist? I stay because it makes me think about how I hold my body and how I hold my mind. There is also the ritual behind it all. I am a habitual person and karate is very habit-oriented. I stay because of the people I train with. Each person possesses a different way of training, and some people are more challenging than others. I try to train with each and every one of my kohai and sempai. It provides a more rounded experience and I learn so much from them. What it comes down to is the learning. I am always a beginner because there is always something new to learn about the same move you have been doing over and over for 9 years. It is important that I always remember that because it will keep me humble in my practice.

An extremely entertaining clip

2008-03-08T13:17:00.000-08:00

So I just finished watching the movie "Equilibrium" starring everyone's favorite Batman, Christian Bale. The end fight scene was fantastic and I found it on youtube (what can't you find there these days!). It's a great movie, with a "gun kata" included. Enjoy!

How karate changed the way I feel about my body.

2008-03-06T10:49:00.000-08:00

As I was paying for lunch today and chatting with a friend, the woman taking our money said, "Oh yeah, I recognize you, you're that karate chick." I was taken aback, mostly because being recognized as someone who does karate doesn't happen to me very often. It made me feel proud. The next words out of her mouth were, "You've lost a lot of weight." That made me feel a bit funny on the inside and is the reason I chose to write about this very topic today. Ever since my body became "womanly" I've harbored resentment towards it: too short in both stature and torso, my belly was always a bit poochy and sometimes more than a bit, my legs were too stocky. Those awful feelings of sadness and embarassment are still around to this day and I often find myself staring at my middle and thinking, "Man, will I EVER have a flat tummy", and "should I really care about having a flat tummy?!" Images of Buddha show him with a full tummy, laughing, not a care in the world. This is how I want to be, how I try to be. It is how I feel when I do karate. Those body image issues virtually melt away in the dojo. Yes I catch myself staring at how I look in my gi, how my belly doesn't really show, but then I let it go. Karate gave me a boost in how I look at my body and more importantly how I perceive the way I look. I look strong, my stances are low, I can do push-ups with little difficulty (okay, most of the time and depending on my energy level), I look STRONG. Karate has given me an outlet for those resentful feelings, which are not at all productive. The remark about me having lost weight really got to me. I never try to lose weight because I don't believe in dieting. Diets get you no where unless you change the way you eat for good. Most of the time I eat a fantastic diet of mostly organic foods. There are a few days during the week when I indulge a bit too much (hey, I'm from Vermont, home of Ben and Jerry's...) so the next day I eat better and lay off the crap. There has never been a time in my life when I felt the need to starve myself. There was a friend in junior high school who used to throw up. She got me to try it, and it was disgusting. How anyone can do that on a regular basis is beyond my realm of understanding. All in all I worship my body, I push it to higher and higher limits. There's just this middle of me that I wish looked differently. Perhaps I'll never get over that, and perhaps one day it will just vanish completely. What is comes down to is this: love your body for where it takes you, love your body for what it gives you, love your body for how far you can push it, just love you body. It's our locomotion, our vessel. Treat it with respect and kindness and it will last you a lifetime.

There are times in class when I just want to drop. The sweat is dripping into my eyes and I can barely breathe. So I breathe more deeply into my belly, expanding it instead of sucking it in. Once I do that I can breathe easier. I absolutely love those moments. I've always pushed myself, it makes me feel good on the inside. My goal for this month is to do one handstand push-up. Just one. Yesterday I tried to do just that and what happened was I pushed awfully hard into the floor and nothing happened. Today I tried it again and I felt lighter, but still only pushed into the floor. Tomorrow I'll try it again. I will do one handstand push-up by March 31. It's not about how you look, it's about what you can do with the body you've got.

Oh the aches....

2008-02-26T12:21:00.000-08:00

And I don't mean from training. I've contracted the plague and it isn't pretty. So, no karate this week at all for me. Time to rest and get well. No work for me, either, which I'm not all that upset about. I have a "flu-like virus" which is sending me into coughing fits so hard I have to hold onto something. If I don't take ibuprofin my body aches and aches. It will pass, at least it better by this weekend. Saturday is my 36th birthday! I plan on getting a girly facial and hubby and I get to go out the night before. His birthday is on Monday and he gets some tattoo work. That's how we met. Eric, the man who did my recent tattoos, is his best friend and one day he was working on another dragon on my upper left shoulder and G walked in and sat down. We locked eyes, the rest is history. The big 4-0 for him. I don't think he's amused about that....

I'm hoping to resume training next week and perhaps ramp it up a bit. Recently I purchased "Combat Training" by Matt Furey. Interesting and I actually do the exercises. They are all based on body weight training: push-ups of all kinds, back bridges, crab walking, bear walking, hindu squats, one-legged squats, etc., all stuff we used to do during gym class. A weight traininer I am not. I find it incredibly boring and hard to make into a habit. These exericises I can do in-between clients, a plus since there really isn't any time to be made for me to go back to the gym (where the dojo resides) and lift weights. I've come to accept that and have moved on. Doing the Matt Furey exercises makes much more sense and when it's warmer and not snowing and icing I can start doing hill sprints and yardage sprints like we used to do for field hockey. To me that is so much more fun and I'm more liable to do them. I'm also not a runner. My body just isn't built for that kind of pounding. I enjoy sprinting, just not the long distance running. Maybe if I were tall and slender, which I am not. Short and stocky, Austrian and Irish ancestry, you get the picture. I will miss training this week. I will miss my comrades. It's so much about the family unit of the dojo for me. If you don't like and trust who you train with it's not a very nice place to be. We have such a great unit at our dojo. Everyone helps everyone else and there's not much ego, a little maybe, but nothing out of control. If Sensei senses an ego out of control he has this wonderful way of nipping it before it grows any further with no harm done. Now that's talent.

Weapons!

2008-02-12T10:09:00.000-08:00

Perhaps this is what I feel like: a samuari with lots of confidence. Last week and the beginning of this one was all about weapons: sword, bo, escrima sticks and canes. The sword was amazing. This was only the second time that I was shown the sword form for our system and it felt so good. I do like the bo, but it really makes me focus and I get all "up in my shoulders". Mind you that isn't a bad thing, to be uncomfortable, the sword just felt so much smoother. But it's smaller, although my forearms are still talking to me since I used a real one (which was rather heavy...). The escrima sticks make me nervous since your hands are so susceptible to being hit, that is if you're not paying attention or only placing your focus on the stick itself and not the target (which can be a difficult thing to do when you're first learning). I'm also nervous about hurting my hands since they are the main source of my work. Anyway, I love weapons and wish we did them more often. Maybe a day devoted just to weapons. I have my own bo and now plan on purchasing a bokken and perhaps some sticks to practice with. The bo I can only use outside, and being that I live in Vermont that isn't always possible but I take advantage when I can. The bo is becoming more an extension instead of this foreign piece of wood in my hands. I have this annoying tendency to over-extend, but am focusing on being aware of where my elbows are: if they are out I over-extend; if they are in I do not. Pretty simple, right? I'm not sure why I have this tendency, but it happens in kata as well and I'm always aware of keeping my strikes to the point and not over the point.

Ugh, it seems I've been in a bit of a slump lately with my training, meaning there has been some difficulty "getting" it lately. It will pass as it always does, but when in the moment it's frustrating. I desire more time for practice and don't always have it available. Work, family, you know. My only practice space (for doing kata and weapons) is outdoors. My house is very small, so in it I only work on strikes and kicks and my stances. I shouldn't be so hard on myself and need to change that perception. There is so much available to me anywhere

Fresh ink

2008-02-06T08:20:00.000-08:00

I had these tattoos in my head (to go on the underside of my forearms) for when I passed the Shodan test and last Friday I finally had them done. The kanji under the tiger is fire and the one under the dragon is wind. The other two, earth and water, are on my ankles and they are from "The Book of Five Rings". Someday I'll get the one for the emptiness chapter. I'm not sure where I want it to go. I

Normally I can handle getting tattooed, but these really tested my endurance. Breathing was key, but there was a point where I had to say, "You know, I think we can do the scales some other time on the dragon." I was done, finished, no more pain tolerance. However, that's all a memory and I'm left with these beautiful tattoos that represent my training, my willingness to endure. They are also my guardians.

Sometimes they just don't get it...

2008-01-29T12:55:00.001-08:00

I've had this interesting exchange today over at justathought. People who have no experience in the martial arts cannot begin to "get" just what it is that keeps those of us who do in the martial arts. With the last comment I wanted to write back, but it just wasn't worth my time, or the author's for that matter. It's very difficult for some of our closest family/friends to understand why it means so much to us. Yes there are those out there who sacrifice too much for the martial arts and that can be very detrimental to their lives. There's this special balance that needs to happen. I may be exaggerating, but it's the truth. To me martial arts is about growth both physically and mentally. There are times where it doesn't fit and times when it's all that fits. I don't consider myself a disciple but a practitioner. Disciples give up their lives for what they practice, I don't. If that were the only way for me to be a martial artist I would let it go because that's not the way I want it to be. John Vesia just did a great post about this very subject. Devotee? Not me.

Seminar and Go Dan

2008-01-29T10:48:00.000-08:00

So the black belt seminar went very well. It was all the black belts (and a few invited browns) under Sensei Morallo, Sensei Moe (pronounced moya) and Sensei Bottomms. Huge class!!! We took up the entire dojo. Mostly we worked kihones and focused on working the obliques and serratus anterior in our movements and not so much the hips. Keep a solid horse stance and move from hara, like a whip. Lots of tenken stepping and a bit of kote nage, which I really loved. Need to practice more of that. Then a bit of grappling, which is very new to me. We've only done a LITTLE here and there in our dojo, but that's not what our dojo does. The Rutland dojo has aikijutsu, which is really quite amazing. Maybe someday, in all my spare time, hee, hee, hee.

Then came the Go Dan test. Sensei believed that he was only going to be showing us kata, however Sensei Morallo had a different plan. Sensei Bottoms proceeded to do at least half an hour straight of ippons, with the uke being all of his belts that had attended the seminar. It was amazing. He just had mushin, pure and flowing. Truly an amazing martial artist.

The next seminar will be on fighting and I'm looking forward to that. However, I may be pregnant at the time (cross your fingers!!!) and will have to be happy with observation.

Overall training is going very well and I've found myself a groove, finally... I'm going to look into taking a Ba Gua class in Burlington. I'm not feeling it with Kempo. The sensei is great, as are the students, but I don't have the excitement around it, which is important to me. Plus I'm headed in the internal direction anyway and this is a good place to start. We shall see.