SerenDRIPity

Things have changed a bit...

2009-11-07T11:05:00.001-08:00

...but not as much as I'd expected.

I figured the change would be as drastically noticeable as the day after 9/11, but things aren't as obviously uncomfortable as they were then. News analysts are calling this the biggest single killing event to occur since September 11, and pointing out that its the biggest killing of this kind in US military history (which is significant, I suppose, because the US military is nearly 300 years old). But things seem to be going on business-as-usual around town.

I have to wonder - is it because this community is so desensitized to the idea of death that this is almost normal?

The real test will be at work this evening. I'll have the opportunity to talk to a lot of people that were closely involved in the incident, and I suspect I'll hear some interesting stories.

Terrible tragedy...

2009-11-05T15:00:00.001-08:00

Today sucks. It seems what happened in our community is all over the news, so you probably know what I'm talking about. A lot of my bar regulars work in the building that was attacked (members of my family usually do, too, but were not present today for various reasons, thank God) and I'm praying they're all okay.

These things can happen anywhere, it seems. This town's going to be locked down for a little while.

Pray for the victims and their families, por favor.

Reality TV

2009-11-05T11:07:00.001-08:00

Turns out one of my friends is (was) on the show, For the Love of Ray-J. That's kinda funny.

She's back home, but I guess the episodes that are running are ones she's still in. I've never been inclined to watch this tripe, but now that I know someone ON the show... it seems less tripe-y.

Which it shouldn't. Because it's still garbage.

Still gonna watch every show now! Hah!

Depressed...

2009-11-02T10:25:00.001-08:00

Four years ago, when I began college, I was making just shy of $70k per annum.

Four years later I'm a month away from graduation, and I'm working TWO jobs to just BARELY eek out $45K.

What the fuck is going on here? I'm tired of working two jobs and going to school!

Blah. Boo. Boo. Puppyfuck.

The Day After My Birthday

2009-10-26T13:17:00.001-07:00

...today was a train wreck.

Girl was scheduled to fly out today at 7:00 am - we got a hotel fifteen minutes from the airport to ensure she could make it on time - and we missed the flight. Then, on my way home, I got a flat tire. On the highway. In the driving rain.

It gets worse.

I lost my wallet last week, and spent all the cash I had on hand during my birthday. And my gas gauge hit empty. I got to a gas station and - get this - it took me an HOUR and FORTY FIVE MINUTES to find someone who would help me out with five dollars to get home! I don't blame them, I guess - I was dressed in sweat pants, a black wife beater and a beanie - and was SOAKED, thanks to the tire change. I looked every bit the bum.

Then, with five dollars in my gas tank (I drive a V8 and had a fifty mile drive home) I got stuck on the interstate behind traffic. Unfortunately, it seemed someone had a worse day than me, because there was a car crushed Final Destination style by wood that had apparently fallen off a freight truck. So I feel worse for them than for me - but it was hell driving fifty miles on five dollars - I barely made it.

Anyway, the birthday weekend itself was awesome.

Oh, and MALACH! I STARTED A BAR FIGHT, PER YOUR SUGGESTION!

Well, I didn't start it. I did, however, finish it!

So happy 24 to me! And happy early Bday to Counsellor/BigTopWorld!

I'ma Lucky Bastid

2009-10-24T12:43:00.001-07:00

I was just thinking that my work situation (though exhausting) is pretty damn lucky.

I work two jobs and work WITH about 20 people practially elbow-to-elbow between them. I don't have a single enemy, or so much as someone I don't really like. How lucky is that?

Anyway, this'll be my last post at the age of 23. Next time I have something to say, I'll be the grand ol' age of twenny-fo!

I think my issue with the bar...

2009-10-24T08:51:00.001-07:00

...may have less to do with tips, and more to do with the extreme amounts of sexual tension I experience there.

For all intents and purposes, I've become among the "it" bartenders in town - which isn't to say that I have lines waiting outside the club door just dying to get to me... but the notoriety certainly lends itself to excessive female attention.

Now that your ego-meter reading for me is in the "HUGE head" position, allow me to continue.

For the entire tenure of my bartending career at this bar, I've been the with the same lady. I have been completely and utterly faithful for the entire year and a half we've been together. To be honest, bartending and our relationship were never at odds - but lately we've been fighting more and more and life has added more and more stress (family issues, job issues... they all seem to get more serious the older you get)...

And in between all this, for the past month, two SUPER fine girls from Hooters have been trying their damndest to have a threesome with me. The South American bartender with the huge tits, ass and tiny waist and incredible accent has been trying to get me to come over. The short, sexy brunette from the bank has been trying to "get to know me better." The ridiculously perfectly proportioned Panamanian girl has been trying to get my attention...

And others.

They leave nothing to the imagination. NOTHING. In their drunken tirades they explain the terribly sexy things they would like to do to me.

It's like the first crack in every dam you see in cartoons. They keep pushing and pushing and pushing - hoping that eventually, the dam is going to give way. Naturally, I won't. But I'm 23 (24 tomorrow!!!) and the attention is difficult to ignore.

I refuse to give in - but it sure does frustrate me that I can't sometimes.

Maybe that's NOT my issue with the bar. Maybe it IS that sometimes people leave horribly shitty tips - but I already feel better having written this out, so I'm guessing there's more to it than money.

My floor guys...

2009-10-19T22:18:00.000-07:00

...think we're gay.

Someone spelled "gay buttsex" with the magnets on my refrigerator. The floor dudes are acting funny now. But the floors look good!

This is great news...

2009-10-19T16:25:00.001-07:00

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-medical-marijuana20-2009oct20,0,7401028.story?track=rss

The Federal Government is changing their targets for cannabis cultivation in weed-legal states. Of course, the strategy all along should have been to go for the guys trafficking harder drugs and guns along with the innocent Herb, but LATE is always better than never.

I suspect it'll be another 50 years before cannabis is legalized throughout the country - and I anxiously await that day. By then I doubt I'll be smoking it at all, but just because I won't be involved with it doesn't mean others who choose to imbibe should be persecuted for it.

I thought slavery had been outlawed...

2009-10-18T13:45:00.000-07:00

... And then I became a bartender.

Listen, bars have been around for a long time and tipping is not a new concept. There is no longer an excuse for consistently leaving absolutely nothing. You didn't know? You've been here ten times.

Further, don't ask for a stronger drink. You got a fair pour and you didn't even deserve that. No, you cheap fuck, you can't have more. No, I won't "hook you up". You've never seen me before but other bartenders usually give you more? I've been here four days a week and have never seen your scrub ass so fuck off.

If you don't tip, don't be surprised when you're the last of twenty to get served. I'm here to make money. Would a mortgage broker waste time with someone they couldn't qualify? Would a car salesman? No.

I don't derive pleasure from assisting your intoxication. I just like to eat.

So this one's for you, no tippers. May your pours be short, and may your beers be pure head. Fuck. You.

Obama Gets the Peace Prize

2009-10-09T09:06:00.001-07:00

...why?

I support Obama because he's our President. I certainly see him as a ray of hope for our nation because of his youth and vigor, and the way these traits change the world's perception of our nation.

But what did he win the Peace Prize for?

According to Wikipedia, the prize is awarded to, "the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses." Obama is WORKING on it, sure... but what has he actually accomplished?

Nine months in, he's a Peace Prize winner. I think the Awards Committee may have seriously tarnished their reputations by making such a premature judgement.

It's the Obama Syndrome all over again. I discussed it briefly before the election - the "Obama is going to fix everything for us" mentality seems to have spread beyond the United States and in to the hearts and minds of committees that should be the least affected by it.

I think the award will be beneficial to the US. It casts him in that much better a light - and by extension, makes the United States look more like the beacon of hope it has long been pronounced as.

But that doesn't make the award justified.

Just ordered me...

2009-10-06T09:15:00.001-07:00

...a Sprint Palm Pre.

http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2338899,00.asp#

Things Just Kinda... Happen

2009-09-28T08:32:00.001-07:00

I was recently Wikipedia'ing at work and I saw the news that one of the Manson Family ladies had died in jail. From that article, I visited the Roman Polanski page and read that he had statutorily raped (does that make sense?) a 13-year-old girl 40 years ago.

Today, it seems Mr. Polanski is in Switzerland under arrest, waiting to hear if the US will send extradition paperwork his way.

I bet he curses the day I looked at his Wikipedia page.

I'm sorry, Roman!

My oh my, the weather is fine!

2009-09-25T10:18:00.001-07:00

My favorite season has arrived, and it's in beautiful, full swing. 65 degrees of wide blue skies, and a smooth autumn breeze. Best season in Texas. Winters tend to come later and be much milder here - so while some of you are already seeing snow, I (might) see some around easter. For a day.

I think this year is going to be a rough winter, though. It seems when the summers are extraordinarily hot, winter is extraordinarily cold. And this summer was sweltering.

Anyway, this is the perfect time to play golf. Bet the courses are going to be paaaacked!

La Chancla

2009-09-23T16:42:00.001-07:00

You can learn very interesting things when you find the time to sit and listen. This applies in most earnest to the lives of your coworkers - in this case, our Mexican cooks. This tale revolves around our bus boy, to whom we refer as La Chancla (the Slipper, in mexo-spanish slang) and how he got his nickname.

"You know why we call him Chancla?" says Diego, in his moderately broken English. "Because when we go to San Antonio, his cousin... his, how you say, wife? He make the..." Diego makes a vulgar hand-and-hip gesture which we men readily translate in to copulation. "He make the... with his cousin wife!"

"Si!" Elian, our bar back, affirms. "When we go San Antonio and stay in my house with my girlfriend, I..." Elian points two fingers at his eyes, and then simulates sending laser beams from them to Chancla. "Because if I don't, he fuck my girlfriend!"

We discussed this at great length, and I was much amused. For some reason, our cooks open up to me more than our other staff - and this is the kind of stuff that makes me glad to be a people person.

Now We Know Global Warming's Cause

2009-09-18T16:27:00.001-07:00

Racism. The earth is clearly racist.

Fucking earth. Jimmy Carter, save us!

The Handicapped Stall

2009-09-14T10:51:00.001-07:00

Working in an office again - and it's an interesting return. Things never really seem to change between offices, even those of completely different organizations. Sure, there are small edits to the "Culture" section of your Orientation binder, but they aren't exactly massively different.

One thing that never changes is Man's preference for the handicapped stall. I was just using one to balance my body's food intake/outtake levels, and I heard the guy who walked in behind me mumble, "God DAMMIT..." as he took his place on the throne less spacious than mine.

Now THAT shit is FUNNY.

No pun.

Ultimate Explosi0n Fight Battle Part One!1!

2009-08-31T18:07:00.001-07:00

Remember how my bar manager accused me of stealing?

Well, Saturday he did it again! I served (and cashed out) five shots, and he whooshed by me and said, "Where the fuck are those shots?" I said, "They're paid out, dude." He said, "Prove it." I found the receipt, slapped him on the back (he's a full 6 inches taller than me) and yelled, so the whole bar could hear me - totally worth it by the way! - "Better luck NEXT time, buddy!!!"

He took me to the back and got in my face. I think he realized I was going to knock his big ass the fuck out, because he backed up and asked me to talk to him out back.

I said to him among the meanest things I've ever said to anyone in my life. Horrible, wretched things like how much I hated working with him, how I thought he was a garbage human being; how I think it's bullshit that he's an asshole on PURPOSE... but much meaner than that.

Man. I felt great.

Anyway, let that be a lesson to you guys. Don't accuse me of stealing, or I'll say really, really mean things to you!

Texas Weather

2009-08-28T12:44:00.001-07:00

There are many things about Texas that are different from the country I grew up in - (namely Germany); the dead grass everywhere... the flat land... the lack of thousand year old castles randomly bespeckled about hilltops... oh, and the massive rivers cutting through rolling hillcountry.

But I tell you, there are few things in Texas as awe-inspiring as the weather we see here. I was driving along the highway last night watching the massive black storm clouds plowing their way to the edge of our city, and I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by the intensity of it all. The electrical storms we have here are wild - thick white bolts of lightning hammering down to earth from the dense blackness above stirs something in me.

I dunno.. but I think our weather could kick your dad's weather's ass.

Responsibility Behind the Bar

2009-07-20T12:49:00.001-07:00

My Friday shift gave me a solemn reminder as to why my judgement, and my subsequent use thereof, is very important to my trade. The choices I make in service can mean the difference between a fantastic bar visit or disaster...

Remember I said that Friday looked busy?

My first six guests were a group of soldiers who had literally just stepped off the plane from Afghanistan. They hadn't had a drink in 15 months, they said - a fact that, in retrospect, was an important one for me to notice - and were just looking to enjoy the sweet nectar that they'd been deprived of in that desert hell.

Hours went by and these fellows were having a blast - one in particular. This fellow was buying round after round after round for himself and his friends. Eventually, the majority of his friends ducked out. Our friend tabbed out, left me a 55.00 tip and went out to smoke.

He came back in with a few more friends and reopened his tab, and the day continued - he tipped me 40.00 more (a fact that may have clouded my judgement further) and I kept serving him.

Now, fellow is a solidly built guy. He came in sober, ate a huge meal full of protein in the form of chicken, rice, etc. All signs that mean "go" in my experience.

But after fifteen months, ones alcohol tolerance diminishes completely - and after a 16 hour flight in, exhaustion had no doubt set in to him, furthering his likelihood of rapid intoxication.

Naturally, by the end of his visit he as schmammered. He began becoming belligerent, melodramatic and violent all at once - and was asked to leave.

Fourty five minutes later he was in the parking lot surrounded by his friends passed out.

An hour and a half later he was in a squad car for threatening a mall cop - and those guys are dicks anyway.

Essentially, my failure to properly assess his tolerance and my inability to properly pace him landed him some time in tank.

And that's why I need to be more aware.

The Payday Phenomenon

2009-07-17T09:25:00.001-07:00

I don't know much about other economies, but I have to say that the economy in my town is probably unique to any other in the United States.

You see, we're the biggest military town in the world. And everyone gets paid on the same days - the 1st and the 15th.

During PayWeek (either the first or fifteenth), we are the busiest city in the world. For instance, the mall just opened and I saw a stream of people going in and out (on a weekday morning, to top it all off). Next week at this time I'll hear crickets.

Seriously, people here spend all of their money in one week - and then do nothing the next week - and then spend it all again the week after.

Wild, eh?

A Thief!?!

2009-07-02T15:39:00.001-07:00

Apparently my douchebag bar manager thinks I'm stealing money from the bar.

Why? Because two days this month our bar sales numbers were low - yet my tips were strong. Since I've been bartending, I've typically averaged 23-28% of sales in tip. So if we sell $1000.00, I'll make $280. Well, Monday was dead - we sold 1550 - and I made $427.00. When I say 'I', I mean 'we.' We split our tips based on the hours we were scheduled to work.

So what the fuck?

Apparently, HE doesn't get tipped that way so I must be stealing. Bullshit. Garbage. Crap and Dogfuck.

The worst part of all this is that I can't disprove his theory. Paranoia like that will always stick around - even in six months when he's still found nothing. And then some busy night in the future I'll forget to ring a beer in and POOF! All his paranoia has been PROVEN and he was right all along!

Bastard.

Oh Em Gee

2009-06-23T10:20:00.001-07:00

I'm the worst blogger on the planet. Has it really been months since my last post? Thanks to breathethenexhale for the reminder...

Well, I'm still bartending. Business is still pretty good - and they've recently passed a law in my city that bans smoking in bars. My guests bitch and moan and, the faithful servant that I am, I back them up and tell them that I agree, and it IS bullshit that they can't smoke in my establishment anymore.

And then after hours we all sniff our clothes and note that we no longer smell like individual cigar boxes. And our lungs are probably all the better for it.

Girl and I are still doing well. She's a lot more serious about this all than I am, I think. Is that the way it always works? Someone is always deeper in than the other? I'm thinking, "I'm 23 with the world ahead of me." She's thinking: marriage. But I love her and I know that I can't be forced in to anything - and she wouldn't try anyway - so I'm content.

Four more classes til graduation. I took a practice LSAT - still not sure on the results. That's a bitch of a test, by the by.

Since last we spoke I've also been to Vegas (blasty blast!), been on the lake ninety million times... oh, and had major AC problems.

If any of you are buying a home soon, this is good to know - there is a line that is connected to your indoor AC unit that takes the condensation that your air conditioner pulls out of the air and drips it outside of the house. If that line gets clogged, the inside of your house gets flooded.

If you're like me and you just put down wood floors, those floors get destroyed. And this is exactly what happened to me.

Anywho, back to life. Back to reality.

Much love!

Jacked.

2009-03-04T13:06:00.001-08:00

Right in front of my eyes, last night. One girl seems to have, quite literally, taken a tip jar off the bar top. Another two literally emptied a jar right in front of my face.

I don't know what I was doing that I couldn't see the jars. Actually, yes I do. I was taking care of people on a part of the bar that completely blocked out the jars.

But still. How did I let that happen? How did WE let that happen?

This probably cost me about 60.00 - and cost all of us who work for and off those tips - about 200.00.

Chump change? Perhaps. But not to the bar back, who works for 10% of our tips - or the busser, who works for 2%.

My inattention to detail cost everyone money.

That's a lot more upsetting than the money I cost myself.

"I don't want to be picked just because I look like a button."

2009-03-04T13:04:00.001-08:00

I don't watch Idol very much, but I'm watching it now (a DVR's episode - so if some other genius caught this comment and has already posted the shit out of it, it's nice to see there are people out there as perceptive as me. Just kidding guys.) and this girl just said, "I don't want to be picked just because I look like a button."

Clearly, one of the judges told her she was cute as a button. And she thought they told her she was cute because she looked like a button.

I get it, I get it. She's under a lot of pressure.

But it's still funny.