Drink at Work

Gamedians.com - Ep. 114 - "Wet" For XBox 360

2009-11-22T08:40:00.000-05:00

Gamedians.com - Ep. 114 - "Wet" For XBox 360 - watch more funny videos

Keep Your New Moon Blue Balls. I'm Gearing Up for Blind Side's "Brief Nongraphic Marital Lovemaking" Scene

2009-11-20T12:29:00.000-05:00

This post actually has nothing to do with movie sex, or the lack thereof. I just wanted to use my favorite phrase from the United States Conference on Catholic Bishop's review of Blind Side in the title.

If you ask me, there's nothing in the entire world that's better than the Blind Side trailer. It's as if Radio, Erin Brockovich and Forrest Gump had a baby. If you haven't seen it, take a look:

Oh, couldn't you just die with joy? Watch it again. I am right now.

There's so much to love, from Sandra Bullock's dye job to the wedging in of the titular line to the multiple fist pump shots, including one with Academy Award Winner Kathy Bates!

But obviously, the biggest moment comes when an older white lady character says to Sandra Bullock's magical white woman character,"You're changing that boy's life." Bullock, full of the milk of racial getting-it-ness, warmly retorts, "No, he's changing mine."

Whoa. Let's think about that for a minute. She lives in the same house, has the same clothes, the same car and money...but Big Mike is the one who has changed her. So what she means is, he's changed her on the inside.

Did your world just get rocked? Yeah, thought so.

But as much as I love that particular rhetorical sledgehammer, I think it's meaning might still be a little too opaque for some. And if anyone walks away from Blind Side not getting it, that's just a missed opportunity. So I have a few suggestions on how they can punch up those lines so that the message isn't missed by any viewer. I hope it's not too late to re-cut the ending, producers!

---------------------------------------

Elderly Lady:
You're changing that boy's life.

Sandra Bullock:
No, he's changing mine by showing me I don't mind a black person living in my house.

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Elderly Lady:
That boy is black and he makes me uncomfortable.

Sandra Bullock:
No, you're white and you make him uncomfortable.

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Elderly Lady:
You put that boy in your car.

Sandra Bullock:
No, he put me in his car...which is a metaphor for his hope for a better life. Also, I was in Hope Floats.

---------------------------------------

Elderly Lady:
Black people are only good at football.

Sandra Bullock:
No, football is only good with black people.

---------------------------------------

Elderly Lady:
You're making that boy rich.

Sandra Bullock:
No, he's made me slightly less rich by eating so much, but I'm ok with that because I'm still rich.

---------------------------------------

Elderly Lady:
What did you do to your hair, Sandra Bullock?

Sandra Bullock:
I'm starring opposite a large black man and the producer's wanted me to stand out more.

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Elderly Lady:
See, we don't need affirmative action because rich white people have a natural affinity for non-threatening black people.

Sandra Bullock:
Did you see when I told him to protect the quarterback's blind side by thinking of me...there's a lot of emotional weight in that statement and I think I really pulled it off.

---------------------------------------

Elderly Lady:
Will there be black people in heaven because I don't know about that?

Sandra Bullock:
No, black people are first reincarnated into white people, assuming they've been good black people. Then after being good white people they can go to heaven.

---------------------------------------

Elderly Lady:
You're changing that boy's life.

Sandra Bullock:
Yes, I am. He's really, really lucky. Plus, I feel even better about myself than I did before I adopted a young black man, so it's worked out for everyone.

---------------------------------------

Even if they can't incorporate one of these lines into the movie and re-release it, I think Blind Side is still going to be a feel good powerhouse that has a good chance of converting all those racially intolerant stragglers out there. And if it doesn't do the job, then we can always look forward to the release of Clint Eastwood's Invictus, which is about the time when Nelson Mandela adopted a white soccer player and beat the Russians in a game that came to be known as Miracle on the Pitch. Not sure why they named the movie Invictus, but it will still be good.

Happy Thanksgiving, Sean Crespo meltdown style

2009-11-20T11:43:00.002-05:00

If you haven't seen it yet, enjoy Sean's audition meltdown as a commentator for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade last year.

Side note: Matt McCarthy and I have been attempting for a full year now to shoot a follow up to this vid at a few other events but, well, ...come on. It's me and Matt planning something. What kind of follow through would you expect from two people who make their livings as professional creepazoids?

Exactly.

Sorry, M. We'll shoot a follow-up THIS YEAR for sure. I promise.

For sure.

Misfortune Cookies

2009-11-20T09:58:00.000-05:00

Breaking News: Council of JoePiscopalians Convenes to Discuss What It May Have Looked Like If Frank Sinatra Were To Fight HealthCare Reform

2009-11-19T14:07:00.000-05:00

Truly we live in amazing times.

NO PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: MEN OF A CERTAIN AGE

2009-11-19T12:50:00.001-05:00

Yes, I admit. This will probably be a great show. But my job isn't to publicize the programs I'm asked to discuss on NO PRIOR KNOWLEDGE. No, my job is another -ize. Can you guess what that -ize that is? Is Criticize! And if you were looking for your weekly Witch King of Angmar reference, tada!

Office Overhearsions™

2009-11-19T11:19:00.001-05:00

Co-worker:
You know what sucks about taking your laptop to Chinatown
to be fixed for dirt cheap? I lost my Wi-Fi.

Misfortune Cookies

2009-11-19T09:00:00.000-05:00

What's Next for "The Bishops"

2009-11-18T09:21:00.004-05:00

Is it just me, or has the healthcare debate been hijacked by a Monty Python sketch? Who are these mysterious Catholic bishops and how is it that they've come to wield supreme legislative influence?

The Bishops! (as I will forever write their name) are hard at work at their annual relevance-reaffirming meeting in Baltimore where they draft their official positions on all manner of issues, from interfering in our healthcare options to interfering in our reproductive options (also known as interfering in our healthcare options). And then, if I have an accurate understanding of their parliamentary procedure, they pick up one of several red phones that has a direct link to a prominent Senator or Congressperson and they threaten to murder one hostage every minute until their collective position is drafted into legislation.

Here's what's next on the agenda for The Bishops!:

The re-redefining of marriage as being between a Catholic man and woman, thus closing up the atheist and protestant loophole
Legally requiring pet-owners to spay or neuter and christen their dogs and cats
Working with the USDA to create a Catholically-Raised certification for meat and poultry
Breaking ground on The Clinic of St. Mary the Fertile, the only Catholic church owned and operated fertility clinic (which is sanctified by God because it is for the express purpose of creating more Catholics)
Pre-production on The Exorcist 4-10
Installing a new Episcopal Czar

By the way, if you want to know which movies The Bishops! give two crosiers up to, you can check out all their movie reviews here. Spoiler Alert: Pirate Radio gets an O for morally offensive!

Misfortune Cookies

2009-11-18T09:00:00.001-05:00

12 steps to avoiding Douchebaggery

2009-11-17T14:30:00.006-05:00

I work all the time. If I'm not doing comics, I'm writing comics. If I'm not writing comics, I'm thinking about writing comics while I'm writing pitches for TV and more comics. It's what I do and I can't imagine doing anything else.

I get paid very little to do what I love. I'd say 75% to 80% of my hours are spent on work that's just for me that I happen to post on the Internet, for you, the audience, to enjoy. You can happily read this work at no charge. It is a truly an amazing time we live in. Free comedy/TV/comics/movies/sometimes porn. FREE. This makes you all very happy... And It makes me happy to make you happy. Possibly, if I make enough people happy, I may make a better living as a reward for making so many of you happy.

Right?

Then why are you all so angry? Why do you find it necessary to absolute berate the struggling artist on a blog/forum they pay to keep up, for the soul purpose to keep you, the happy, non-paying reader involved in their lives? Weren't you just happier than a bacon-wrapped scallop one paragraph ago? Did someone kill your puppy? Did you have a bad day finding clean underwear for your 9 1/2 hour Xbox session? I'm sorry for your loss/bad laundry day choice.

We could hug it out, ya know... We could have a beer and talk about the things that just aren't fair. It can be done. They have buildings with rooms and waitstaff for just such a social situation. I would like to believe that your objections to my way of providing you with free entertainment could be aired more effectively in person. You don't need to instead jump on your eczema-covered PC and take your everyday frustrations out on those you have never met. Hurting those who can't "get you" in your basement will not quench your thirst for human interaction. It will only add to the massive social discourse snowballing into near apocalyptic proportions all over the Internet.

Why add to the douchebaggery? Why not be the brave one?

The only way you can solve your problem without making more problems for someone like me is to get out of the house. I know it's a rough proposal, but I can help you. I made you a list. It's gonna be okay... And when you make it into the burning sunlight that is everyday society, call me. I'll meet you for a liquid Prozac.

How to avoid being a douchebag that I may or may not want to throttle:

1. Wake up, it's 2pm.
2. WALK BY THE COMPUTER. DO NOT TURN IT ON. AVOID THE COMPUTER.
3. Find some pants. They may be at the bottom of the pile, but they are there, just follow the stink.
4. Put on the pants, brush your teeth and mat your hair.
5. Eat something without melted cheese and/or processed meat. Fruit's a big step, I know, so try something from the bread group. Maybe a Pop Tart. Baby steps.
6. Prepare for the outside world by practicing opening different doors in the house, pretending the outside is on the other side. This may take a few hours, but you'll get there.
7. Actually head outside. You can do it. Sunglasses and shoes will help.
8. Encounter someone you've never met before and engage them.
9. Ask them for light.
10. Commence on a 5 minute diatribe about how their matchbook/lighter is mediocre at best, how they don't deserve to be walking the same sidewalk as you, because you know at least 20 people who could run circles around the free service they just provided you.
11. Seek medical help for your fresh head wound.
12. Look up "ABC After School Special lessons" on Wikipedia.

Godspeed, my anonymous and lard-filled friend! Here's hoping we can one day meet in a crowded room where no one can hear you scream!

Words, lies and HUGS,

-FRS

A Thought After Looking at E-Online

2009-11-17T09:55:00.002-05:00

Lady Gaga • Levi Johnston • Elizabeth Hasselbeck • Donny Osmond

Now, which one is the pale horse? I just want to plan my day right.

Misfortune Cookies

2009-11-17T09:00:00.002-05:00

Fake Rockstar from camp

2009-11-16T17:50:00.002-05:00

Having finally left the grips of New England sports, flannel and blatant misuse of the letter "r", I'm finally a New Yorker. An UPSTATE New Yorker. You see, while the wife works and lives in the magical embrace of NYC (sharing a generous portion of the DAW offices), I'm holding down the fort in the quiet Adirondack Mountains, until we can secure the right apartment to house our personal brand of crazy.

I am happy to be out of Maine. I do miss my friends and I miss my bar, but I'm otherwise happy. That said, I do miss one other thing: The food. As lovely as the ADKs are, finding places to eat and buy decent groceries is a...uh, "creative" process. Plus, we're tightening our belts, in order to have enough $$$ for a deposit on a city home. So, my current situation leaves me with but one option: cook and cook for cheap.

To my surprise, I have had modest success with the "cooking" approach. Granted, finding decent ingredients at a low price is a challenge, but when you're alone in the woods, finding carrots for $.79/lb is reason to celebrate with cocktails and 2 hours of Magnum P.I. reruns on Hulu.

Why do I care to share this with you all? Honestly, I haven't posted anything in a while and sharing what I'm cooking from camp sounded more fun than another "top 10" list. And with that, I give you tonight's menu, complete with ingredients and recipe...

Tuscan White Bean Soup with Pepper Jack Grilled Cheese

Stuff ya need:

One package of Alessi Tuscan White Bean Soup mix.
4 1/2 cups of water (h20)
Pot (for water, not the herb, genius)
A cooking device (fire works... or, fireworks)
Cheap White Bread (also great band name)
Pepper Jack Cheese (for the spice)
Dried oregano (Not pot. Real oregano... feckin stoners)
Butter (duh)

How ya make yer supper:

1. Light yer fire underneath yer pot of water, wait until it boils. Try not to pick yer nose.. Or yer ass.

2. Wash yer hands of boogers and ass.

3. Add the soup mix to the water and stir for one minute. Knock the fire down a log or two and let simmer for 12 minutes. Stir when ya remember.

4. Light yer fire under a fryin' pan. Butter yer bread, cut yer cheese (shut up) and assemble yer cheese sandwich in the hot pan. Stick the fingers you just burned in your mouth and let out a few whimpers. Collect yerself and usin' a spatula, flip the grilled cheese and add some of the dried oregano to the outside of the sandwich.

5. Douse yer fires, scoop yer soup into a cup and slice yer sandwiches. Careful, knives are sharp.

6. Enjoy with a cold can of PBR and a bandaid.

Serves one cartoonist and three dogs, unintentionally.

Wish me luck. The more I cook, the less crazy I become and the sooner I can annoy directly from the streets of NY.

Words, Lies and Hobo Chili,

-FRS

If Lifetime ever makes a movie about a gay math genius, I think it should be called "Fibonacci's Sequins."

2009-11-16T15:56:00.000-05:00

These are important times we live in. I'm simply making suggestions that we rise to the challenge in our made for television programming AND NOWHERE ELSE.

Do you know how awful the autumn would be if every leaf that fell screamed in terror on its way down?

2009-11-16T13:42:00.001-05:00

Pretty awful.

NO PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: WHITE COLLAR

2009-11-16T10:00:00.001-05:00

Hey, remember CATCH ME IF YOU CAN, the movie about a check forger caught by an FBI agent who then later rescued the forger from prison by hiring him to catch other check forgers? Did you enjoy it?

A. Yes? Great. There's a television show just like that now.

B. No? Too bad. There's a television show just like that now.

Carol and I tackle yet another example of the intricate emotional back and forth that is the buddy cop relationship.

Starfish!

(you'll understand after you watch the video. which you should do now.)

Yes, Secretary Clinton, Many Things are "Interesting"

2009-11-16T09:40:00.007-05:00

About 9 years ago, I ran into an old crush of mine from 4th grade. (I had been so obsessed with this guy that I cut his picture out of my yearbook and taped it into a gigantic garish locket I found in my grandmother's lesser jewelry box.) He looked pretty much the same except that he was proportionally larger and wore those gold glasses with the double bar that one's eye doctor will say make you look distinguished, when, in fact, they make you look like you might not be fit to defend yourself in a court of law. Nevertheless, it gave me a cheap thrill to see him.

We talked of high school days, college football and the fact that our poor home town had become even poorer. He still lived in the town and he had fairly specific opinions as to why the economic downturn had taken up permanent housing there. His explanation defined succinctness: "All the blacks movin' in."

I relay this brief anecdote for a specific purpose. I found my exchange with this guy, let's call him Bartholomew, to be "interesting." Was it enjoyable? Worth my time? A learning experience of some kind? Not especially. When I look back on it, do I think I missed an opportunity to convey my point-of-view to Bartholomew and hopefully bring him around to a different conclusion. Nope. Not to be rude, but I think engaging him in a spirited dialogue would have amounted to trying to convince a fly that fresh shit isn't the most wonderful thing ever.

This brings me to the story that has many of us abuzz this morning: Hilary Clinton thinks it would be "very interesting" to have coffee with Sarah Palin. Last time I checked, Hilary Clinton was the Secretary of State and the world was falling apart. I have to think that her coffee card is too full to sit down with a failed beauty queen turned failed VP candidate turned failed Governor.

Clinton went on to say that "Maybe I can make a case on some of the issues we disagree on." Secretary Clinton, you don't have to make a case to Sarah Palin. You have a job, she doesn't. Are Democrats so hard up for affection that they're now trying to win the hearts and minds of people they already don't agree with who also don't have any real power? I'm sure Bartholomew thinks Sarah Palin is firey and smart...but Bartholomew probably doesn't know where his polling place is, and if it's run by black people, he probably wouldn't want to know anyway.

My mother has a favorite phrase that I quote often: "You can't argue with an idiot because he's too stupid to know when he's wrong." Now, I know politics is all about arguing with idiots, and everyone thinks that the other person is the idiot in question. Nevertheless, I'm pretty sure that Hillary Clinton has the higher ground here if only because she's currently employed to make the world less effed up. There would be no greater statement about Sarah Palin's lack of importance than for Hillary Clinton to gracefully decline until, say, 2016 or so.

I'm sure it would also be "interesting" to have coffee with Michael Lohan or Kanye. Unfortunately, neither of those meetings fit your job description either, Hillary.

Misfortune Cookies

2009-11-16T09:00:00.000-05:00

5 questions with a Fake Rockstar on the Universal/UClick Editors Blog

2009-11-14T11:00:00.001-05:00

My first serious interview with straight, serious answers. Ever.

5 Questions with FRS

Things We Could Forgive John Cusack (i.e. Almost Anything)

2009-11-13T09:45:00.006-05:00

With the release of 2012 today, one can't help but reflect upon the career of John Cusack and ask herself one simple question: why do I keep forgiving him these ills?

I think it can be argued that we love John Cusack most transcendentally for his performances in the boutique sub-genre of socially-awkward romantic comedies. But a quick glance at his IMDB page is a harsh reminder that it's been 9 years since High Fidelity. I'm not saying he hasn't made good — or at least entertaining — movies since then, but he certainly hasn't made one of those signature, if-only-my-boyfriend-were-so-handsomely-troubled movies in a while.

In the time since Rob Gordon, Cusack has also made a lot of sentimental pap at which any self-respecting geek-girl would flare her nostrils: Must Love Dogs, America's Sweethearts, Serendipity to name, well, all of them. And then there's the mildly entertaining horrory, thrillery flicks like Identity and 1408...enjoyable, but Lloyd Dobbler enjoyable? No.

The surprising fact is that when you actually look at John Cusack's filmography, the iconic Cusack characters are actually few and far between. Surrounding them are lowest of the lows such as Con Air, and artful masterworks such as Being John Malkovich and Bullets Over Broadway.

So, finally, it has occured to me that this "John Cusack" in my head isn't really the sum of his career at all. He doesn't quite get the credit he deserves for the more artistic work he's done, and he remains bulletproof in the face of impending box office bonanza doomsday devices like 2012. All in all...it must be frustrating to be John Cusack. Or it must be singularly wonderful. I'm not sure which.

At any rate, my assessment is that John Cusack can do anything and I — and you — will still love him. To that end, here are a few things he could get away with and still be forgiven:

Campaigning for Sarah Palin
Forming a karaoke supergroup with Ryan Phillipe, Tom Cruise and Diablo Cody
Telling Jeremy Piven that no one remembers he's actually bald
Deciding that his true passion is marketing
Recording his first — and second — albums
Marrying one of the Real Housewives
Writing a volume of Twilight-inspired poetry
Twittering (or tweeting)
Calling Maya Angelou a hack
Touting the validity of Intelligent Design
Peeing in the White House fruit and vegetable garden
Making America's Sweethearts 2
Becoming the new G Star Raw Icon
Playing opposite Cindy Crawford in Another Fair Game
Owning the entire Creed catalog
~~Having sex with Ann Coulter~~

And so we have it. It would take a ride on the Coulter to destroy John Cusack for me. I guess we all have lines in the sand. Incidentally, I'm pretty sure sand is exactly what the inside of her vagina feels like.

But I love John Cusack. For real, though.

Misfortune Cookies

2009-11-13T09:00:00.002-05:00

Large Particle Collider finally set to launch

2009-11-12T15:00:00.001-05:00

Scientists at the LARGE PARTICLE COLLIDER have announced that the 17 mile long, magnetically charged tube is ready to launch any sufficiently bulky objects down the accelerator, toward impact with one another.

Theoretical Geophysicists around the globe are especially interested to see the results of what the fuck happens when you fling two rocks at each other near the speed of light.

"It probably rules," said Professor Henri Calet, lead researcher at the renowned Ecole Destruction Massif in Paris, "But we must verify the theory as an experimental reality before we can come out with such bold announcements."

Rocks will be the first large particles sent hurtling toward one another, but certainly not the last. Day 2 of the machine's operational slate includes the colliding of delicate vases, Monster Trucks, and dead bodies.

"My whole career has been leading up to this," commented Dr. Alan Tisch, an experimental mortician and co-chair of the Creative Anatomy Program at CalTech in Pasadena, CA. "Because of funding, at the university level there's really only so much you can do. I've flung corpses together at the speed of sound and once at the equivalent to Mach 5. Except for the massive international effort which resulted in the LPC though, we may never have known what happens when two dead guys smash together at near the speed of light. I hope it's gonna be sweet."

What Megan Fox Can Do to Make Women Like Her More

2009-11-12T10:03:00.011-05:00

There's an interesting column about Megan Fox on Jezebel (which is itself about an article in the New York Times Magazine). In it, the writer ponders the concern Fox's team has about her appeal with women, and offers a few explanations as to why that appeal may be non-existent.

But there's really no mystery here. The plot goes like this:

Women have a tendency to devalue themselves.
Women have a tendency to dislike other women who don't seem to devalue themselves.
Megan Fox is a sex symbol.
Megan Fox uses almost every chance she gets to say women hate her because she's a sex symbol.

What's confusing? If it walks like the girl you hated in high school and it talks like the girl you hated in high school and its claim to fame is the Transformers franchise, why should you waste your money on movie tickets when acrimony is both cheap and fun?

I also think the notion that women hate her simply because they think of her as a slut — Fox's assertion — is misguided. For example, I do not like Megan Fox and I know exactly 3 things about her: 1) she's attractive, 2) she's famous, 3) she's in a long-term relationship with Brian Austin Green.

Now, I'm of the ilk that there are too many people in this world to like everyone until they give you a reason not to; so instead, I dislike everyone until they give me a reason not to. It's more efficient. Megan Fox hasn't given me a reason to like her; whether she's a slut or not doesn't enter into it. And I'll bet that there are more people who are governed by a similar principle than are willing to admit it.

If finding someone sexually attractive is enough to make you "like" them, then what's confusing about most men liking Megan Fox and most women not liking Megan Fox?

Fox digs her own grave when she addresses this, too. You can't turn a woman around by calling her jealous. And her team's idea of letting people know what a regular gal she is is laughable. Telling me her favorite place to eat is Red Lobster because she likes the cheese rolls isn't exactly the same thing as saying she's giving up acting for a year to join the Peace Corps. You know how you make people value you for more than your looks? Be valuable. Or at least be sympathetic. Megan Fox is neither right now.

To that end, I have a few suggestions that may help give Megan Fox more appeal to women:

Get a disease and recover, but have it be a withering enough experience that you have to go the character actress route.
Marry Brian Austin Green. You seem kind of like an idiot for dating the latter-day Corey Haim-esque character from 90210, but if you marry him it will seem like career suicide and, thus, true love.
Get pregnant, have a C-section, then do a nude photo shoot. Men will be grossed out, but women will say you're brave.
Find a way to shave Ann Coulter's head on national television.
Start a victory garden.
Steal a car and give it to a child with cancer.
Lose a foot.
Remake — and star in — Ice Castles. I just think its time has come.
Get really, super into making jam and talk about it all the time.
Run for congress, win, propose a healthcare plan that includes abortion rights.

Those are just a few ideas off the top of my head. Any other ideas are welcome. I'll make sure to forward them to Team Fox.

Misfortune Cookies

2009-11-12T09:00:00.001-05:00