Drink at Work

Bees With Ties #7: Let's Go to Work

2008-07-26T11:37:00.000-04:00

Weak Sauce! College Humor Original Video featuring Sean and Carol

2008-07-24T17:09:00.002-04:00

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

ALL MY Television Without Pity videos in one post.

2008-07-24T10:22:00.006-04:00

I have been negligent in embedding my TVWOP vlogs to the site so I'm just going to post them all here now. I have no idea how many I've forgotten to post, a problem I could fix by going through our site, but that's a lot of unnecessary work.

Without further ado here be the magic and serpentes.

(NOTE: The embed for AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL is not available so isn't posted here, but it features the hilarious Brandy Barber and Carol Hartsell in a WALKING IN THE WIND WITH HATS contest and is well worth the watch.)

ICE ROAD TRUCKERS

THE CLOSER

SWINGTOWN

SECRET DIARY OF A CALLGIRL

30 DAYS

GREY'S ANATOMY

LIVING LOHAN

THE MOLE

FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS

MOONLIGHT

SURVIVOR

DEXTER

MAD MEN

THE APPRENTICE

SMALLVILLE

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

PSYCH

LOST (part 1)

LOST (part 2)

JERICHO

CASHMERE MAFIA

I LOVE MONEY

Papicock

2008-07-21T10:58:00.004-04:00

I am a baseball fan. A rabid baseball fan. I love the strategy, the nuance and the history. LOVE the game. So, when I had a chance to buy season tickets to our AA team here in Portland, I jumped at the opportunity. Beautiful seats, right on the third base side.

Oh, did I mention we're affiliated with the Boston Red Sox? Yeah. What a joy. David Ortiz is rehabbing here, tonight, Tuesday and Wednesday, isn't that neat? Won't it be exciting?

Look, I'll say right now I'm a Yankees fan, have been all my life. However, the fact that we're an affiliate of the Red Sox does nothing to sway my loyalty for my home team, THE PORTLAND SEA DOGS. We used to be connected with the Marlins and I was a Sea Dogs' fan then, and when we're with the Pirates, Brewers or Rays, or whoever, I'll still be a SEA DOGS fan. That said, I do think it's great we get to see Sox prospects play so close to Boston. I also think having a team connected to the Sox is geographically logical, good for ticket sales, the local economy and the life of the team.

HOWEVER...

A lot of you are reinforcing my instinctive dislike for Boston and it's fans, by acting like the Lord Almighty is coming here to rehab. David Ortiz is a guy – A guy who happens to have a sweet swing that can dismantle even the hardest of flame throwers – but a guy, nonetheless. You'd think Bono was coming to everyone's house to cook dinner and immaculately impregnate their wives, with the way this story has been played in the news. I mean, holy crap, people... Really?

And I'll be the first to say, the Yankees' fans who crawl out of the woodwork when their affiliate, the Trenton Thunder, is in town, aren't any better. A few years ago, Hideki Matsui rehabbed a couple games here and I watched a 40 year old man in a fake New York uniform knock over two elderly fans, just to get an autograph.

I guess I don't understand the pattern of thinking, here. Sure, there are celebrities I wouldn't mind meeting. Sheryl Crow is about the only woman I'd think twice about leaving my wife for, but do I really want to meet her? What would I say that every other crazed 37 year-old she's never met hasn't already said? What's the point really? Bragging rights? Why is it that so many find it necessary to become an autograph/photograph hungry mob over someone who can swing a bat or sing a song? What does everyone think is going to happen after you crawl your way up for a forced photo and handshake? Do you think your cancer will be cured? Your debt forgiven? Your lame uncle given back his sight and the ability to walk again?

How about taking the high road, folks? How about not spending upwards of $200 for a $7 ticket on Craig's List? How about teaching kids we're all equally flawed and that handing over cash to be some one's five minute-forgotten-buddy is a bad thing.

Actually, you know what? Go. Have a good time and meet Big Papi. Lose your last ounces of dignity by pushing others to the ground for a photo... Just know this: Any one of you nut jobs, looking for a glimpse/photo/handshake, knock over me, my wife or especially my beer, I will elbow you square in the teeth. Without hesitation.

Consider yourselves warned.

Cheers!

Fakey Rocketh Star

"Wanted" pitch re-enactment

2008-07-20T20:18:00.003-04:00

Sean & Carol saw the movie "Wanted." They are sorry they did. Most of all they are sorry Morgan Freeman was in it. If you haven't seen it, don't. Why? Because the plot revolves around a magical loom that spits out names of assassination targets...in binary. Here is what they imagine the pitch must have been like that ok'd WANTED for the big screen. And yes, they know it came from a graphic novel so calm down already superfans.

Corey's in MAD Magazine this month. All must bow to his comic greatness, so sayeth the blogosphere.

2008-07-18T12:09:00.001-04:00

Are you one of the few still hung up on getting your funny via glossy dead trees? If so, be sure to pick up the August MAD Magazine. Corey's Ace-award winning comic series Rob, the Evil, Backstabbing Robot Temp appears on page 46. Right next to Ted Rall's crap!

And stay tuned for more gratuitous self-promoting of what Corey is doing with his high profile and quite profitable career! Who knows, maybe he'll fill in for a famous blogger at Slate, or some such BS! It's the wave of the Interweb future!

(Seriously, check out MAD. We're quite proud of the inclusion this month).

To the Self-worthmobile!

Cheers,

-Fake Rockstar's Fake Rockstars

Bees with ties #6: "Morning Bob, Mary... Judy? did you do something different with your hair?"

2008-07-16T22:01:00.002-04:00

The Ignorati Continue Their Redneck Caterwaul

2008-07-16T17:58:00.005-04:00

An article on CNN.com today showcased the perfect example of the desperation of political ideologues, those who want the world to be a certain way and who no matter how little their desires and reality match up still continue to vote a certain way (rightward ho) and espouse the non-existent virtues of their party.

If you haven't seen the image around which the article is based, you will. Here it is:

The story is about a Distant-Right businessman from Florida who put up possibly the most idiotic ad for the Republican party of all time (and whose reverse-reality views CNN has legitimized simply by interviewing him).

"I believe 9/11 could have been prevented if we'd had a Republican president at the time," said Mike Meehan, stalwart defender of untruths, on CNN's "American Morning."

Interesting point. However--AND CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG--we in fact had a Republican president in office BEFORE, DURING, and AFTER 9/11. Please note that Before, During, and After are ALL OF THE TIMES possible within with to take action regarding any event.

And as far as I know, W messed up every single stage of dealing with the attacks. Every single aspect of preventing then managing the disaster was bungled by W, Cheney, and the neocon warhawks who then sent our troops into a country that had NOTHING to do with 9-11. But with the assistance of lackluster journalism and the wondrous conservative echo chamber, our country was tricked into believing one of the most blatant lies ever, one that lead to an international tragedy that is half a decade later still unfolding.

For a great book on this subject, I recommend reading Craig Unger's "THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF BUSH: The Untold Story of How a Band of True Believers Seized the Executive Branch, Started the Iraq War, and Still Imperils America's Future."

Also note however that W is possibly the most republican-est-est (read: conservative) president in this nation's history. He's as far right as you can get, was completely incapable of preventing then going after those who attacked America, and still there are people who want soooo badly to believe Republicans are stalwart defenders of this nation.

They have proven everything but.

W had ample advance notice of Osama's plans to attack our country and did nothing.

But Mike is blaming Clinton for not taking out Osama after the attack on the U.S.S. Cole:

"Unlike Bill Clinton, who actually had bin Laden right in his hand and through the CIA and other high officials decide to get him go," said the creature called Meehan.

Which is even funnier when you find out that the ex-President had in fact authorized the killing of bin Laden but the order was never carried out thanks to the Republican-controlled intelligence agencies' refusal. Who ran the CIA during Clinton's tenure? The same man who ran it during the early part of W's reign of retardery. George Tenet. Who is also the same man who helped doctor and legitimize the non-existent evidence of Iraq's WMD's. Remember that? I'm sure Mike's found a way to blame the non-existence of Saddam's WMD's on the media's liberal bias...which would be ironic because that also doesn't exist and never has.

CNN goes on to drive millions of eyeballs to Meehan's insane-in-the-membrane website, republicansong.com, by mentioning that Mike's busy "trying to sell copies of his song" which is appropriately titled "Please Don't Vote for a Democrat."

CNN's quote on the song:

"The song goes beyond the national security issue, ripping Democrats on taxation and energy issues, too."

Way to go CNN. I'd ask if the editor who penned this understands that the word choice "ripping" implicitly assigns blame to the Dems in agreement with Meehan's bizzarro-world perceptions, but well, it must simply be a mistake since we all know that CNN is part of the liberal-Jew-media conspiracy to control the world through ironic coverage of red neck zealots who the world had no need to read about or humor.

Thankfully though, CNN has chosen to humor him and many others like him.

Some (out) takes from Meehan's song:

"They want to take the money from the hard workin' man, and give it to the lazy folks that don't give a damn."

Yes, lazy folks like the elderly and dying, those who can't afford private educations or gated communities with private watersheds and roads, and those human shit-monsters who make under a QUARTER OF A MILLION dollars a year. Boy those Spend-ocrats sure are a bunch of nutters.

More from Mike:

"We're not fightin' for oil, we got plenty if we drill it."

Yup, he's got me there. We do have plenty of it. Enough to lower the price of gas by a few pennies a gallon...in the YEAR 2030, which is when we can realistically expect any oil taken from drilling within our coastlines to come on line. And since there's never been an oil spill which in turn costs billions to simply clean up and which tend to cripple entire ecosystems in one fell sploosh, we can rest easy knowing that the few tens of dollars we MIGHT save 20 years from now will be free to be spent on trips to the Arctic which will be sunny and warm most of the year round. Huzzah!

CNN then goes on with their pro-Mike opus by listing his cd price, that he's available to perform at a "concert, party, meeting or event" and that he's just trying to recoup money spent on his (fear-mongering, tragedy-cashing-in-on) billboard. A regular guy, just like you and me, yessireebob!

I wouldn't be surprised if ultra conservatives like this are the starting point for a new political-surgical trend in which ideological Republicans have their left brains removed as an act of patriotism. The sad fact is however that a million lobotomized Republicans actually would be a huge boon to this country and the world, so maybe those surgeries would be patriotic, just not in the way they intended. I suppose that would make those lobotomies ironically patriotic. Sounds like the birth of the hipster conservative to me.

Marketers and advertising executives...YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST.

Yours in America-ness,
Sean Crespo

Bees with ties #5: "The Great Choice"

2008-07-16T17:42:00.000-04:00

Attention: Opinion ahead. Not to be taken as advice, or fact.

2008-07-15T14:22:00.008-04:00

What if this is it, folks? What if this latest economic punch in the gut is final proof that American capitalism is built on nothing more than shady deals by slimy, greedy troglodytes? Ladies and gentleman, we fucked up real estate. REAL ESTATE. The one thing that everyone always said couldn't be shaken. The one thing we all were told to get our hands on, build our credit towards and stack out dreams upon. Mother of GOD, how could we mess up something so simple? Did these folks with greedy eyes bigger than their stomachs get bored with all their stuff, or were they maybe reminiscing over the tech bubble of the 90's?

Slime 1: Hey Phil, I miss the days of over-valued junk companies.

Slime 2: Me too, Jerry.

Slime 1: Those were the salad days.

Slime 2: You know what we haven't messed with in a while? Real Estate.

Slime 1: An over-valued housing market, with predatory lending and ballooning prices?

Slime 2: Now you're thinking like a slime ball, Phil.

Slime 1: You think we could end up destroying the country's economic foundation in the process?

Slime 2: Dude, this is real estate. No way.

I realize I'm over-simplifying and stereotyping, but does anyone else get the feeling we just blew our chances at a free and civilized existence? Doesn't it appear that, from the collapsing economy, unsettled mid-East and a general global hatred for America, the bad guys won? That really all this brotherly love, land of free, tired and huddle masses crap was just the candy storefront, housing four mafia "cleaners" in the back?

Oh, and us common folk of everyday society easily share the blame... I mean, either we just don't care anymore, or we're all too wrapped up in what's in it for us, to notice. Winter's coming and people in the Northeast are gonna freeze to death because every time Iran shoots off a missile, investors get scared and ratchet up oil another eight bucks. And if you ask someone in Southern California, they say, "At least I don't live in the North. Better them than me."

For Christ's sake, people! That's akin to answering "Don't get me sick" when I say I have a cold. It's all about you and how big your fish can get in that little pond, isn't? Everyone seems to think they have it all figured out... For themselves.

I'm convinced a big part of the problem was that three people blogged their opinions into cyberspace one day, but they were really good at marketing, see... so they got millions of people to read their opinions, see... And society, being a lazy bunch of lemmings, took that opinion as fact... And it snowballed into things like the FOX News and webcomics and Dr. Phil and Rachael Ray and ... (huff huff huff...)

Sorry, but I'm damned pissed.

As a rule, I'm not a big fan of others... However, I still hold respect for my fellow man and his hard-earned possessions. I just hope I can do the right thing when I'm offered the opportunity to screw the system for my own gain.

Back to the bunker. I have beer, if anyone wants to join me.

Over and out,

Das Faketh Rockstario

I Would Like to Welcome My Legions of New Fans!

2008-07-10T16:30:00.003-04:00

Today is an important day. My face has been seen on an important blog.
And with that, I will gain the most important thing in the history of important things...Internet fame. If you're reading this, you probably found me by googling awesome + pretty + woman + wearing + faded + green + jersey + dress + who + used + to + vlog + for + dotcomedy + and + definitely + does + not + look + like + she's + 33 + years + old + I + totally + want + to + do + her. Naturally, you clicked "I feel lucky" and came right here. So, kudos to you and welcome. I hope you like bees in ties, cause that's all we're doing here these days. If you want to know more, check out our videos on the YouTube and come see our show when it returns to Comix on Wednesday, October 1st.

Man, I've only been famous for a couple of hours and already I've got a cocaine nose bleed and an Asian baby!

Bees with ties #4

2008-07-10T13:02:00.002-04:00

It's Official: The Interweb blows

2008-07-10T09:29:00.003-04:00

1. Talentless hacks with a video camera and 3217 MySpace and Facebook friends get TV commercials and TV appearances just for being featured on YouTube.

2. Using a computer as a secret hidden bunker, nerdcore and geekdom can anonymously comment on whatever and whoever they want, without accountability... Isn't that a definition of "coward"?

3. Snotty grammar police and self-proclaimed "spelling experts" can now go online and personally berate everyone who mistakes "populace for populous".

4. There are no more surprises, just "spoiler warnings". There is no waiting, only instant downloads. There is no more comedy, just fart jokes, cynicism and snark.

5. When the plug is pulled, people's brains will melt into taffy and everyone will become socially awkward zombies, bumping into each other, afraid to speak face to face, for fear of physical retaliation.

6. Too many people (including this Fake Rockstar) have put 90% of their creative eggs in one Interweb basket, hastily abandoning conventional means of communication all together... Leaving us all in a lurch when civilization collapses (see #5).

Go. Continue to be little online zombies. I think I'll walk the dog in the woods and read a paperback book. I may even hand write my suicide note... Apparently making me all "old-school". Call me a Luddite if you wish, but I have a wood-burning stove, candles, a battery-powered cassette player and just enough bravery to confront others in "real space".

End transmission.

Oh, Scott Bateman, thou hast cleft my heart in twain...or something along those lines

2008-07-09T22:39:00.002-04:00

Oh, deary, deary dear. I have been trying to write about this for a while now, but there's just so much to say and so many ways to say it. And then this wonderful gift pops up in my inbox from local genius Scott Bateman:

All I can say is...bless their hearts.

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-07-09T13:20:00.000-04:00

I am inventing the term "sexting" even if it already exists.

2008-07-08T21:48:00.002-04:00

Today I sent a purposefully filthy text to a friend. I referred to it as "sexting" over the course of my discreet and horrible message. I'm sure this term must already exist, and if it doesn't...shame on you 12 year old boys of the world.

But I'd like you all to go along with me and let me have it. Please?

Thank you.

"SEXTING"...courtesy of Sean Crespo.

Yankee Pot Roast's Book Party TONIGHT!

2008-07-08T16:38:00.002-04:00

Our fine and snappily-dressed friends over at Yankee Pot Roast released a book.

Before us.

Before we even got a measly little book deal.

We hate them. We hate them and their success and we hope they all catch something.

But that doesn't mean we're not up for a party. So if you, too, would like to take your failure out for a night on the town and hold it up next to someone else's success for a tear-stained photo op, come on down to Ace of Clubs and toast the jerks at Yankee Pot Roast.

Yankee Pot Roast Underrated Launch Party!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
7:00pm
Ace of Clubs
9 Great Jones St.

Buy the Book!

Bees With Ties #3: Bee With Windblown Tie

2008-07-08T14:47:00.001-04:00

Bees with ties #2: Bee with bee tie

2008-07-06T17:24:00.002-04:00

BEES WITH TIES #1

2008-07-06T13:58:00.003-04:00

The first in what is to be a long series of bees wearing ties. When I feel that Carol, Corey, Dan and I have explored Bees wearing ties and other office wear enough, we'll be moving on to a new subject: Sharks Standing at Lecturns.

No Prior Knowledge: NASHVILLE STAR

2008-07-04T14:28:00.001-04:00

Former Senator Jesse Helms Dies.

2008-07-04T13:12:00.002-04:00

As this man was an enemy of civilization, freedom, and brotherly love, I feel it may be appropriate for even a white guy like me to now say, "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

If you don't know, Helms retired in 2003 after serving five race-baiting, environment-cornholing, Big Government-hi-fiving terms in the Senate, prompting President Bush to comment that the Senate was "losing an institution."

That institution?

Jim Crow laws.

I kid. But seriously folks....

Now was the man evil? Eh...that's an ideological stance to take. I prefer to think somehow he was forgiven and that Jesse made his way to the particular heaven he believed in. But talent begs to be used, and dividing people over their least important attributes, like skin color, was one of his greatest talents. So chances are, if there is a heaven and he's somehow found his way into it, he's probably even now working tirelessly to divide the major and minor ranks of the seraphim based solely on their superficial characteristics, like wing span and harp talent.

Anyway, have a perfectly appropriate and happy Independence Day!

McCain, Women, Jackass MSNBC Daytime Anchors

2008-06-27T13:18:00.004-04:00

I'm watching MSNBC and just overheard a commentator explaining why some Democratic women might be able to justify voting for McCain:

"Republicans stumbled into the one nominee that women might be able to see as an alternative because he's not a fire-breathing anti-woman or fire-breathing pro-lifer...at the moment."

That's an interesting way of approaching it. I think that's an inverted straw-man argument; excusing McCain's pathetic record on women's issues by commenting that he's not a fictitious, monstrous version of a candidate who votes against women. True, he votes against women while pretending that he cares about them.

Since it clearly bares repeating, here a few highlights from McCain's anti-but-in-a-grandfatherly-way-anti-woman record (you can find all of this and more in greater detail with notations at womenforbarackobama.com:

• Voted against equal pay for women

• Supports overturning Roe vs. Wade

• Opposed Title X

• Opposed requiring insurance companies to cover birth control pills

• Opposed legislation requiring accountability from abstinence-only programs

Even if you are fiercely pro-life and agree with him on those issues -- though I doubt all of these Hillary supporters threatening to vote for McCain are -- McCain's argument for voting against equal pay for women is not only insulting, it betrays his less-than-maverick-like focus on protecting corporate interests above American women. Nevertheless, sure, MSNBC is correct: he probably was not covered in scales and exhaling fire when he did any of these things. Kudos.

On a separate note, if these MSNBC anchors mention Barack and Hillary's color-coordination and body language once more, I'm going to wretch. Even worse, one of them just said, "Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, together at last..." to which another anchor exclaimed, "FREE AT LAST!"

MSNBC: please fire whoever just did that. And then double whatever you're paying Rachel Maddow.

And those were my parents.

2008-06-24T11:56:00.004-04:00

A lot of you have heard me mention my father in my stand up. Maybe it was the story about the time I left a demon in his house or maybe it was one of my bile fueled tirades about his hilarious belief system.

Whatever it was you saw or heard however, I am absolutely certain that none of you knew that my father, Juan Ramon Crespo, made his living for a number of years in Central America as a night club singer. In fact, my mother and my father met at one such night club in Guatemala, which is also--though they deny it--where I think a certain Sean-shaped bun was placed into a certain Sean's-mother-shaped oven. Probably after he covered the Stones.

Long ago, I remembered seeing a video from the late 70's from our time in El Salvador featuring my father singing a cover song as awkward fades and dissolves (the height of low rent 70's video special fx) would repeatedly show my mom holding a surprisingly placid me and my cousin Nicky, who, to be fair, has since learned to curb her love affair with putting rubber bands on her head.

Spoiler alert: I'm adorable.

Watch the video. My head almost exploded when I saw this. I hope yours does too.

More to come about my amazing family when I get time to write about it.

Office Overhearsions™

2008-06-24T11:30:00.002-04:00

The guy talking to himself in the cubicle next to mine is listening to "Love in an Elevator" on the radio, and I just typed the phrase, "...fax your business card and credit card information to 'Weiner Breakfast.'"

I feel like Rutger Hauer at the end of Blade Runner. "I've seen things you people wouldn't believe."

xoxo,
Carol