Four Habs Fans

Gui! is Gone!

2009-11-23T17:02:00.000-05:00

Hey, talk about a way to perk up a boring Monday afternoon! Gui, or Gui!, or Gui;(, or all three of them, has been traded to the Minnesota Wild for Benoit Pouliot. In 23 games this year, Gui had 2G 1A. In 14 games with the Wild, the 6'3" 200lb left wing had 2G 2A. Sounds like an improvement to me. But Panger tells me it's really not the case.

The 110%'s and BR's will not be happy, because while Benoit Pouliot sounds as pur laine as they come, he was born in Ontario. That's worth, like, 1/4 of a real Quebecois.

Oh, and BTW Benoit is currently listed as day-to-day with an upper body injury. Already he's fitting right in!

The Morning Skate for Monday, November 23rd

2009-11-23T07:42:00.004-05:00

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of going to the Grey Cup...

Chicago wins their 7th straight;
Stamkos gets the OT winner over the Thrash;
BGL has a disciplinary hearing today with Czar Campbell as a result of his knee on knee hit on Niklas Cronwall Saturday night. We think we can speak for all Habs fans if we tell Colin go ahead and suspend him for the rest of the year, you'll be doing us a favour.

Despite BGL, that was a decent weekend. Had you told us Friday we'd get 3 of 4 points, we'd have taken it in a heartbeat. Be sure to scroll down and check out the Wings review if you were out praying on Sunday; it's got a couple of real good ideas about what to do with BGL.

Wings 3 Habs 2 (SO) - And We're Okay With That

2009-11-22T15:05:00.012-05:00

While it might be true that Squid did almost single handedly earn a point last night and very much deserves his picture with a hot chick, the above tribute kinda creeps me out...

Ahh, thank you GG11. You're the best!

Okay to be honest, with games against the Caps on Friday and Detroit last night, I was expecting to use this forum to rant about the Habs - from how they were dragging thier collective asses on the ice all the way through collective management and scouting ineptitude. A francophone member of the Habs defence may or may not have been incarcerated in a painful and demeaning manner. In short, it was to be a grand'ole time. All for naught - although it was nice to see the Habs not get blown out by the Wings for the first time in recent memory. So is it just me or is this the second straight year the Habs seem to play better without some of their highest paid players? Our first line should now be called First Line Centre Tomas Plekanec and Whomever He is Playing With - in this case a re-interested Andrei Kostitsyn and Mike Cammellari in the third; Carey Price proved he still very well could be TFS (tm), although I'm saving my "I told you so" post for a later date; and Rhino is close to replacing CHips as My Boy.

Only one thing kept the Canadiens from an outright win. Or more particularly, one person. I bet you've heard of him - he is hard to miss when he's around. He's 6'4 and, um, tends to stand out on a hockey rink. And he's currently taking up $1.5 in cap space, so instead of a rant I'm offering a review of the options for getting rid of BGL and his cap-stealing contract. It may not seem like much, but the quicker his contract comes off the books the more likely a deadline rental like Mathieu Schneider becomes; yes, I realize I may be delusional in thinking that it will matter come March. All photos courtesy GG11, as always:

SENT HIM TO HAMILTON. No one is going to trade for him or will even pick him up on waivers. Problem may be convincing the Molson Bros. & Co. to pony up the dough for an AHL player. (Oh, and say hello to my Little Tits there off to the side.)

Or...

BUY HIM OUT. Let him search for inner peace at home. Or maybe kick Nick Kypreos' ass live on Sportsnet. However, that will create less than $1M in salary cap space. Plus, Gainey has to convince the Molsons to agree to pay a guy $2/3 of his salary not to play.

Or...

ONE WORD: LONG TERM DISABILITY. Provided Gainey can either convince Dr. Mulder to tell the NHL Laraque has some sort of crippling back injury (or head injury, you say? More about last night's shenanigans next); or he hires my cousin Angelo.

Or...

HOPE THE NHL SUSPENDS HIM FOR THE SEASON: because he's a bone-headed repeat offender. But of course he won't be, first of all because while it was an intention and dangerous trip, it did not lead to a devastating injury and probably deserves 2-3 games at most. But he may not even get that, both because he's not really a dirty player (in fact, as often lamented on this site, he hardly even fights any more) and because the NHL has no balls. At least it wasn't a hit to the head.

Or...

TRADE HIM TO THE KHL. This on is my favorite: How about trading him to Moscow Dynamo for the rights to Alexander Avtsin next year? Why couldn't they do this? It's win-win: the Habs guarantee that they get a potential top prospect in a year, and the Russians have a guy they can make wrestle a bear at centre ice during intermissions:

Think of any other options? Let the world know in the comments.

Grab a delicious beverage, it's a Wings open thread and drinking game

2009-11-21T17:15:00.002-05:00

So yesterday I had this whole thing planned about needing to get drunk tonight because the Habs sucked, making permanent some fine drinking game suggestions from the comments in Thursday's TMS and a couple of my own. Alas, our boys went out and shocked the world last night, turning a need to drown our sorrows into a glimmer of hope. Idea wasted.

But then I thought, fuck it, there are a million other reasons to get drunk! Some of my favourites for tonight's game include:

Celebrate! Optimism! Delusions! Interesting fact about tonight's teams - Habs actually have more wins (11) than the Wings (10). We'll just ignore the number of losses part of their records;
Habs are wearing their 1910 blue and white Leafs jerseys. You can pretend you're a Leaf fan and then you will really need to drown your sorrows;
Habs are dropping like flies (Gomez is out). Soon all those "let's just have Hamilton play" jokes from last week may really be true;
Puck Daddy's McSplooging on the Habs;
Your girlfriend just left you;
Saturday.

So at 7 PM from the Centre Bell (on a very slim CBC regional coverage), take your preferred 1910-era cocktail and drink as much as you want when:

-someone clears the puck over the glass
-a defensive turnover in our zone results in a Wings scoring chance
-The Urologist falls down on a PP
-Gui tries a wraparound
-Carey tries a reach around (around the net, you pervs)
-Pleks or Squid goes down with an injury (reach for the bottle)

For the RDS viewers
-BB says Guillaume
-BB says "j'ai pasd'problèmes avec ça"
-Joël flirts with someone rinkside

For the CBC viewers
-Bob Cole mispronounces a French-Canadian or Euro name
-Bob Cole does play-by-play of a play that happened, like, 10 seconds before
-Carbo tries to sound intelligent

Not-so-gratuitous Simpsons quotes to get this party started:
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get."
"Marge, I'm going to MOEmaN's. Send the kids to the neighbors, I'm coming back loaded."

Independamn-what-the-hell-was-that? Day - Habs 3 Caps 2

2009-11-20T21:50:00.018-05:00

Holy motherfucking crap how in the blue hell did that happen? Did aliens kidnap the crap team we've been watching and replace them with the nation's capital destroying monsters we saw tonight? That might be the only explanation. (Note to self: stop writing reviews after putting down a buncha beers, especially if the Cardiac Canadiens are gonna spend half the game playing Stalingrad to Washington's Germans but still win. This might be the first ever all superlatives review, people. McSplooge might have nothing on me. Fair warning.)

Plan the Parade: You're goddamn right I'm planning the parade! I'm delusional! I'm crazy with Canadiens fever! Pleks! Price! Hamr and Jaro 2.0! Squid! Coaches! THIS FUCKING TEAM IS PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER AND IT'S STANLEY CUP TIME BABY!!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Seriously, though: Pleks played another excellent game at both ends of the rink, and his linemates Big Tits and Max Pack actually gave him some support. It's early doors on this line, but please oh please let these two be the answers for Plek's cries for help. McSplooge McSplooged all over Hamr and Jaro 2.0, but they kept Ovie and Backstrom relatively quiet all night. Price didn't make any "holy shit" saves, but he was solid and calm and there when he was needed. Oh please oh please keep this going. Travis Moen provided some quality diggin and muckin for Squid and Gomez and potted a goal. Pyatt and White are constantly working hard. And here's a special mention for Mr. Jacques Martin: Hey, do you think Carbo would have had a game plan like that ready for Ovie and the Caps, or would that sucker have ended 9-3 with Ovie getting 5? Martin came into this going with Hamr and Jaro 2.0 against Ovie, shifted lines like a maniac to keep that match-up on the road, and did some clever juggling after something happened to Gomez early in the third. (Here's hoping Martin just told him to take off his fucking jersey, drive back to Montreal and apologize to the Molson's for stealing their money.) Oops. There goes the feel-good portion of our show. On to the angry-I'm-never-truly-happy-plus-I've-been-drinking rant!

The Sky is Falling: Jesus Fucking Christ on a bike Scott Gomez is fucking terrible right now. Anyone who had 22 games in the "That Lazy Overpaid Fucker Gomez is Gonna Drive HF10 Over the Fucking Edge" is the big winner. At one point I made a mental note to compare Gomez to 2007 Kovy, who essentially kneecapped Pleks and Big Tits for the entire year. Gomez was killing Squid and Moen tonight until he mysteriously and fortuitously left the game. I dub him The Albatross, for his contract and the fact that he will haunt Gainey until a) Gainey gets fired; b) Gainey can get rid of him or c) That ridiculous contract runs out sometime next decade.

Jacques Martin nailed Latendresse's ass to the bench at some point. I didn't notice for 15 minutes because Gui! was invisible when he was on the ice anyway. He has had enough goddamn chances and now it's time for an extended trip to the pressbox, aka Chips House (sorry Panger.) Finalement.

Max Pack looked good at points, but please tell me he hasn't inherited the Michael Ryder snakebitten stick of death. He'll need to start potting goals to make Pleks-Patches-Tits a viable second scoring option.

Urologist. Ah, fuck me. Panger, where the hell is your trunk!?!?!

There were points where you could see the Caps smelling blood in the water and it was white knuckle time. At one point I squinted at the tv and pretended it was 1977, the guys in red with the best/most exciting player in the league, the best offensive defenceman going and the goalie getting bored from lack of work was the Habs and it was the hometown white-clad Caps getting shelled. Ugly. But whatever, it worked.

Chez Paree Bound: Pleks gets his regular table. Price gets his regular bed in the champagne room. Squid gets behind the velvet ropes (excellent signing so far, it must be said.) Hamr and Jaro 2.0 get to be two wild and crazy guys in the booths. Martin and the coaches also get some special attention for their Operation OvieStop. Moen, Metro, Max Pack, even Big Tits can have some drinks in perverts row. Basically the Urologist and Gomez get stopped at the door. Hell, I don't even have too many bad things to say about BGL.

Next terrifying, offensive juggernaut in red opponent: Detroit. Saturday night. Summabitch.

Mr. Pleks goes to Washington - Caps preview and open thread

2009-11-20T13:39:00.001-05:00

Yes, I recognize Pleks cannot technically be President due to his not being from the United States and all. But his inspired play this year is earning him mucho respect around here. Hard-working, industrious, diligent, and a good team player. Aren't those all qualities you would want in a world leader?

Waiting in line to get frisked before you go into the Capitol building - 7 PM start at the other Phone Booth. There will be hot McSplooging action. First of four meetings this year, last year Caps won 3 of 4.

Looking for a good tour guide - our old three-way friends Shmee and CapsChick seem to have closed up their respective shops, though rumour has CapsChick hanging out at at Japer's Rink.

Hot like DC in July - the two featured players in FHF pics today - TFS with a .952 save% over the last two games and Pleks with 5 assists over the last 3. Despite our desire to see the Urologist in Panger's trunk, he actually has 4 points over the last 3 games.

Cold like a the wind blowing off the Potomac in February - Scott. Gomez. 0 points in 4 games. Seems totally disinterested. Blech. Gui still pointless in his last hundred games (estimate only) but showed some life Tuesday. Jaro 2.0 pointless in 4.

Sharp like the top of the Washington monument - Let's start with some team stats. Caps lead their division and the Eastern Conference. They lead the league in goals. Second best home record in the league. 2nd best PP. This game will be a piece of cake.

Individually, look for Ovie (duh) who's making his home debut since coming back from injury, Fleischmann on a 10-game point streak and Varlamov who's allowed a mere 4 G in his last 3 GP.

Sign me up for the FBI - With extensive snooping, I have found that there is a Caps weakness! They're only 1-3 in OT. Mix that with the Habs' 4-0 OT record, and it's a recipe for a win! Right? RIGHT? [/end delusions]

Broken like an attempt at a bipartisan bill - Caps aren't much better than the Habs in the injury department, missing Semin and Knuble especially. 2008 first-round pick John Carlson makes his debut in the absence of half the Caps' D. For the Habs, TFS gets the start, and the Habs actually have some returning players! Rhino and BGL are expected to be back in the lineup. Rumour has MOEmaN on the first line. I would tell you what the other lines were at practice yesterday, but they'll be changed by the end of the first by Carbo 2.0, so don't even try to follow. Suffice it to say, those combinations did not include our boy CHips.

Post-game entertainment - head over to my favourite place in DC, the rooftop terrasse of Marvin. Heated and partially covered for your year-round smoking needs. Packed full of young attractive professional types and many Belgian beers.

Let's talk American politics in the comments! Or not.

The Game Day Skate for Sexy Friday has a thing for TFS

2009-11-20T06:00:00.002-05:00

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Carmen Electra's lesbian sex tape...

In the Battle of Suck, Leafs lose to the Canes, with all sorts of whackiness like the Leafs blowing a 3-goal lead (well not so whacky), both a go-ahead goal and a tying goal in the last 30 seconds, and another stupid "intent to blow the whistle" calling back a goal in OT;
Sens dominate the Pens, wow;
B's snap the Thrash win streak with a SO win;
The Christo-Wall seems to be good again;
Marty Brodeur actually loses a shootout.

Habs in DC tonight for some hot Ovie action.

BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING BONES! INJURY REPORT It's time for that Photo Again

2009-11-19T13:41:00.009-05:00

This just in. Injury Report for November 19, 2009.

Brian Gionta: Broken foot, out indefinetley

Andrei Markov: Torn thingy in his knee. Out till spring, maybe longer. maybe he'll never be back.

Hal Gill: Torn something something. Out 3-5 weeks. That's impossible because injury periods are always estimated in even numbers.

Georges Laraque: Back busted up real good. Out like Neil Patrick Harris at a club in Ibiza.

Ryan O'byrne: Tugged purse strings. Out on bail.

Jaro Halak: Burned forehand making stew for team. Out of ideas for next Jaro post.

Matt D'Agostini: Razor burn from first shave. Out for the season.

Jaro Spacek: Severed ass cheek. Now has two but cracks, but ass wide enough to handle the added perforation.

Roman Hamrlik: Exploding appendix. 30 to 32 days.

Andrei Kostistsyn: Cracked ri, uh,.... no, no, just crack. Likes to smoke crack.

Scott Gomez: Ruptured vein in third finger of left hand. Out for the season.

Mike Cammalleri: Cataract in foot. Out indefinitely.

Glen Metropolit: No Rapid Eye Movement. Out of Time.

Kyle Chipchura: Four concussions. Out of his mind if he thinks he's making a career in the NHL.

Guillaume Latendresse: African Sleeping Sickness. Get out of Bed, Gui!

Carey Price: Harpooned at sea. Out of the water.

Josh Gorges: Drowned in failed attempt to rescue Price. 2-4 gallons out of his body, following CPR with tongue performed by Kyle Chipchura.

Max Lapierre: Dislocated location. Out 2-3 hours.

Tomas Plekanec: Unhealthy scratch following a night out with a girl met at a bar.

N.B.!!! (This just in from GG: Too bad Pleks isn't playing like a girl. You could've used "has his period, out 3-5 days and then cranky like a bitch for the rest of the month")

Sergei Kostitsyn: Deep bruise in the belly button. Out of the womb already you impossible child.

Jacques Martin: It's out of my hands for now.

Tomorrow's lineup:

Forward Lines

Pacioretty - Moen - Stewart

Defense Pairings

Mara

The Morning Skate for Thursday, November 19th

2009-11-19T06:49:00.003-05:00

Bullet points for waht you missed while dreaming of Carmen Electra's lesbian sex tape...

In case you misses it in the comments yesterday, you should be aware that Team Clinic has some forwards now. Gio out indefinitely with a broken foot;
Some good news though, as Rhino looks to be ready because we sent Mathieu Carle back to Hamilton;
Florida manages to cool off Buffalo;
The little fuckity-fuck leads the way over the Wings;
Philly wins their 7th in 8 games;
Oil get a good win over the Avs.

You knowwhat we need? A Habs injuries drinking game. Anyone got any good ideas? All we can think of is any time a Hab gets injured, we get drunk. But there has to be something more creative.

Glorious leaders lead the way! Habs 3, Whalers 2 (shootout of death)

2009-11-18T13:25:00.003-05:00

Bertrand told us he was very disappointed in our ratings yesterday. He thought both Max and Gui! deserved 5 of his heads and maybe a couple of his other heads while we're at it. He told us, in a strongly worded email in surprisingly good and colloquial English, that his boys would come out strong just to shove it in our faces. BR is psychic!

Planifiez le défilé - yes, it is true, Mad Max and Gui! played what may have been their best game of the season. Couldn't put the puck in the net to save their lives (despite each of them trying at least a dozen wraparounds), but at least they worked and looked like actual NHL players. And give Max credit for learning, after FIVE shooters, that you should just SHOOT (high) on Legace instead of trying the same move everyone else did.

Other good stuff included some scoring from people besides GMS and Pleks, in this case PatCHes and Tits, who may have even smiled after he scored. And Pleks' Czech sausage over to PatCHes' tape on his goal was a thing of beauty, like just about everything Pleks has done this season.

But this win belonged to TFS. After the 55-save spectacular Saturday, he came back just as as strong (though a bit less busy) to win his first home game of the year(!). Not much chance on either goal, and he was nothing short of heroic in OT, stopping 7 shots. Whatever is better than heroic is what he delivered in the shootout, stopping 6 of 6 including a total miracle on the last one to win it. And his reactions after he inevitably wins a shootout are just priceless (no pun intended). It's like he's saying "fuck off, everyone, I'm good and I don't give a shit what you say. Fucking right I just won this game."

The sky is falling - let's face it, there are serious problems with this team. We're uh, not good. Time to realize that. We needed a goal with less than 3 minutes to go to tie the worst team in the league. The worst team in the league without its three best players (Cam Ward, Staal, Pitkanen). We needed a shootout and an amazing goaltending performance to beat the worst team in the league. There were huge parts of the game where we were dominated by the worst team in the league. We didn't generate any PP scoring chances at all against the worst team in the league. You got the point? Well, the worst team in the league got a point too.

I could go on about turnovers, crappy D, our inability to start a breakout, and the fact that it's becoming clear in his absence that it's the G that makes GMS go, but I have a life to get back to.

Chez Parée bound? Tits, Pleks, Max, and Gui! have a seat near the stage. TFS is boning three chicks in the back room, while everyone else is sort of standing around waiting for him to finish.

Next evil, evil foe - big loss in DC coming Friday night.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, November 18th

2009-11-18T08:02:00.004-05:00

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being attacked by pirates again...

Well, a win is a win is a win. Habs need a good bounce from Tits(!) and some TFS heroics in the shootout to beat the woeful Canes 3-2. More later today;
Sens beat the Leafs 3-2 in a game that can only be described as scrappy;
Ovie's back, baybeee!
Avs win again.

Please enjoy these highlights after a win. It's rare lately.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's our 24.39% season evaluations (and a Canes open thread)

2009-11-17T11:08:00.002-05:00

7:30 tonight at the Phone Booth, Habs get one chance to win this week before they get crushed by the Caps and Wings this weekend. Gionta is out, Rhino not quite ready. Consider that your preview. Now on to the reason you're all here. Boredom at work.

Yes, it's the one-quarter season player review! Of course, it's not quite one-quarter, more like, oh, I don't know, 24.39% (rounded). We all said we'd give this team 20 games before really evaluating them. Well, those 20 games have come and gone, so it's time to bring on the fucking expletives. We're using our FHF-trademarked scale of zero to 5 Bertrand Raymonds, representing how well the player is living up to the past of nos glorieux. On to the ratings!

Pleks - RIP ZombiePleks? The only player that belongs here. The only player that shows up and scores game in, game out. Leads the team in scoring despite having NO WINGERS. I repeat, NO WINGERS. It's like last year didn't happen. I'm still freaked out by the whole thing.

Squid - just behind Pleks in scoring. Leads the team in goals with 8, but I feel he hasn't really exploded, know what I mean? (Not a sexual euphemism. Or is it?)

Gionta - right there with Pleks in the "show up for every game" department. Just make him captain already.

Métro - 10 points for a supposed 3rd / 4th liner is fucking top notch. Time on the PP, and making the most of it.

Please Hamr don't hurt 'em - in case you hadn't noticed (and you hadn't, which is the sign of a solid D), he's our #1 D now. Putting in major minutes in Vodkov's absence, and playing his heart out. Mostly.

MOEmaN - a pleasant surprise. Maybe slowed down recently, but still working. Unlike some people.

The goalies - I think this seems reasonable. TFS may have had a struggle or two and some bad luck, but overall (especially after facing 55 shots Saturday), he seems alright. Jaro pley weel. All in all, seems like a serviceable tandem.

The M in GMS - six or seven games ago he would have been 3 or even 4 BR's, but lately, ugh. Well not really ugh, more like invisible. Turning into a waste of $8 mill in cap space?

USS Hal Gill - I have no fucking clue what to make of him. Some games he seems like a functional D, other games, well, less so.

The Urologist - got half a BR for a good nickname. Some whacky passes and defensive gaffes have him as the prime candidate for Panger's trunk.

Other 2 BRs - Jaro 2.0 (maybe 2.5 BRs), PatCHes, Gorges

Mad Max - Bertrand's wet dream is a fucking nightmare.

Our boy CHips - Zero points and -8. Yet there was a stretch there when I thought he played well, and might deserve 2 BRs, and was getting screwed with the lineup as usual.

Tits - Oh Andrei, we're rooting for you, we really are. But you're not making it easy.

Other 1 BRs - Dagger, Mara

Gui:( - 'STIE CALICE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Every chance in the world and you have 3 points in 20 games. On pace for a 12.3 point season. Well done.

Incompletes - Markov, Rhino. BGL, Leach, Stewie, Carle, Pyatt, White, Belle, Weber. Is that everyone?

Please disagree with my ratings in the comments. Personally, I trust Panger's hockey analysis more than my own. Either way, which Hab will bump up his BR rating for the half season review? I'm sure a WhalerCanes game will clear it all up.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, November 17th

2009-11-17T06:00:00.004-05:00

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Joanna Krupa in Playboy...

The Devils finally lose on the road;
The Bruins are starting to rival the Habs in not scoring and sucking;
The Pens take care of the Ducks;
Vinny gets off the schneid with 2G 1A in a 4-1 win over the Yotes;
(spoiler alert!) Jamie Salé and Craig Simpson win the Battle of the Blades.

Canes tonight. There's a chance!

The Morning Skate for Monday, November 16th

2009-11-16T07:46:00.003-05:00

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of going for it on 4th down and not making it...

Chicago wins in OT over the Sharks in a battle of West titans;
Slava Kozlov finally gets a goal this season in the Thrash win over the Oil;
Minnesota nd Carolina played, and Carolina actually wins;
We would never toot our own FHF horn, but we need something to feel good about.

We got a feeling it's going to be another day of recriminations around here.

The Habs Sucked in Plain View: Preds 2 - Habs 0

2009-11-15T09:41:00.003-05:00

My first thought goes to Guillaume Latendresse who owes a big bag of gratitude to the ailing Brian Gionta. Gui! was penciled out of this one against the Preds, and we all know what kind of music he would have faced back home as a result of this intended benching.

Unfortunately, Gui! came about as close as one can get to have as much impact on the face of a game as a healthy scratch. The open net in the third period that he couldn’t wrap his brain around didn’t help his chances to avert another imminent decision to keep him on the gallery.

My next thought goes to the rest of the team, sans Price. I would bench them all for the next game and call up every Bulldog.

Ensuite, the shots. It read 24-4 in favor of Nashville after one period. At this point, the numbers are so staggering that you just start to cheer for the math, hoping the trend will continue and leave the Habs on the wrong end of a 72-12 total. 55 shots. That’ll do.

One of the best games of Price’s career. Turns out the rest of the team couldn’t be bothered. The stage was right for a performance to remember in Nashville for the young country music loving cowboy, but a fortunate son he wasn’t. A great save by Carey in the early moments of the second period and another on Legwand midway through the third made it obvious that without TFS in nets the score would have pointed to how badly Montreal played on their night off. No, thanks to Price this is a game you had to watch to seize how terrible Montreal was, otherwise the close score could falsely conjure up unsuspecting thoughts of a tightly played game.

Does Big Tits want to play in this uniform? How does hockey sense just vanish? The flashes aren’t there. The effort is gone. It’s like a silent protest. It’s high time to send Andrei to wherever Gui! will be going for the next game, and that means nowhere near the ice.

Gomez is officially slumping. He’s not creating anymore. He doesn’t look like he’s taking time off but the jump is MIA. Like a kangaroo that’s been amputated at the knees.

The Lapierre experiment on the first line was a total bust. That won’t be happening again soon. Mathew Broderick and Helen Hunt had more success with a monkey in Project X. If the chimp’s still alive, get him fitted for a pair of skates.

As GG said: Fuck are they bad. No goals in Nashville. Wow.

The boys better take a very deep breath and give those muscles a deep stretch because the coach is going to run them to the ground at the next practice. No pucks, sand weights at the ankles, lots of cookies and no milk, type of practice. There will be puke.

What a crappy Saturday evening. Even SNL sucked.

Yee-Haw! It's a country-fried Nashville Preview and Open Thread, Dagnabit!

2009-11-14T08:18:00.014-05:00

The Canadiens, fresh off a win over the desert dogs, roll their double-wide into Nashville's barn to take on the Predators. Yep, I went there twice in the first sentence. Listen, you can't have a place called The Grand Ole Opry as your claim to fame and expect a cliche-free preview.

Waiting in line at the honky-tonk bar details: Live from Nashville's Sommet Center at 7:00 pm, on RDS

Hotter than a Taylor Swift/Carrie Underwood "duet": Pleks continues to lead the team in scoring with nary a dependable winger to be found. Squid and Gionta still scoring. Price stopped everything that didn't involve an illegal kicking motion or a spear to the throat. The Urologist made one of those plays we all hoped he would. For the Preds, JP Dumont is scoring at almost a point-per-game and Shea Weber and Ryan Suter are the stud defenders all Habs fans can cast envious glances at.

Colder than the corpse of Tennessee Ernie Ford: Same old song and line dance for the Habs: Gui! Max, AK46. When do we stop giving Gomez chances and turn on him? Nashville is 29th in goals scored and dead last on the powerplay, so let's just assume their cold side is everyone else.

A hurtin' kinda feelin': Jaro 2.0 limped off to possibly join Markov, O'Byrne & Gill in the defence infirmary. Other than the fact that they have stone hands, the forwards seem healthy. Colin Wilson is the only long-term Predator injury.

Between the fence posts: Win and you're in should see Price play in the spiritual home of that crap music he loves so much. For the Preds, Dan Ellis and Pekka Riine have almost identical records. Whether Nashville trots out Brooks or Dunn, the results seem to be the same.

Fussin' and a feudin': Wait, there's a Predators blog? Yep, and it's called On the Forecheck.

Post-Game Country Bear Jambaroo: Check out some of these hee-hawtees, then hit the nearest bar with swinging doors and a hitching post out front.

GoldenGirl11 makes her reviewing debut - Habs 4, Yotes 2

2009-11-13T15:59:00.000-05:00

HF29 fell asleep, HF10's kids don't let him stay awake that late, HF4 has real life stuff today and Panger is dead. As a result, we have turned to GG11 for the game review. Her efficient use of words is a tribute to fine blogging everywhere. This kid's got a real future. Without further ado, here's GG11's debut as a game reviewer:

"They sucked. We sucked less."

Pretty fucking accurate.

It's a Sexy Friday the 13th Morning Skate

2009-11-13T06:00:00.001-05:00

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Sophie Monk in a bikini...

Well, you can imagine our surprise, when after a 0-0 first period that literally put us to sleep, we awoke to find the Habs had scored 4 goals! 2 on the PP! And won in regulation! Then we looked at the shot totals (20 apiece!) and are impressed the rest of you stayed awake. More later;
Ray Emery gets some sweet, sweet revenge, then possibly kicks the crap out of someone, beating his former team 5-1;
Boston loses in a shootout in a real goalie battle;
Devils take care of the Pens, in Pensburgh, going to 9-0 on the road. Wow;
Kovy comes back, gets 3 points to help the Thrash beat the Rangers;
We're pretty sure there were some games involving Western teams;
In case you missed it in the comments yesterday, Komi is out for 3 weeks.

Here are your highlights. Includes actual Habs goals!

Meh, whatever, it's a Coyotes game preview and open thread

2009-11-12T13:20:00.004-05:00

My excitement for this team has hit bottom. I'm not gonna say rock bottom, because there are still like, a bunch of games to go. Plenty of time to really bring out the suckage. But we're almost a quarter of the way into the season, and my attitude can be nicely summed up in one word, meh. Is that even a word? Who the fuck knows. Let's hit the bullet points to discover why I'm so blah about this team:

We can't score. 2 measly goals in our last 3 games;
This team really doesn't play anything that could be described as "entertaining hockey";
Losing. This team has more regulation losses than any team in the league except the woeful Hurricanes;
Beyond the Giant Mexican Squid and Pleks, no one seems to be doing anything out there except "skating" around in a purple haze;
There is no way I can envision this team doing anything in the playoffs, if they even make it that far;
The man who should be our most exciting player, TFS, seems to be rife with issues, maybe media-imposed, maybe self-imposed, who knows;
This whole ~~cash grab~~ 100th anniversary celebration has turned into a farce, if not a downright embarrassment;
We suck.

Your reasons may differ.

OK enough with my old man complaining about you kids on my lawn, let's go back to the bullets to set up the game. I'm too meh to do anything else. And it's a game that I'm totally meh about, given that it's Phoenix. Ooh, feel the history. Of bankruptcy court.

9 PM ET start at Jobing.com Arena. I'll be sleeping by midway through the 2nd;
Habs have lost 3 of their last 4, as have the Yotes. This is the only meeting this season between the teams;
Five for Howling is a good source for all things Phoenix;
There are no hot Habs;
Conversely, everyone is cold. More specifically, The Urologist has zero points in 8 games (and counting);
Did you know the Habs lead the league in minor penalties? You do now. I think about half of them have been for shooting the puck over the glass;
Yotes riding some great golatending from Bryzgalov, who's in the top 5 in the league in GAA, save %, and shutouts;
Shane Doan is worth a point per game. Gang Bang Lang (god I miss that) has 8 points this season;
Lines at practice yesterday were GMS, Pleks-Tits-Pyatt, Metro-Moen-PatCHes, Laps-Gui:(-White. Once again, CHips gets screwed;
My favourite quote from all my reading for this preview, from Jaro 2.0: "If we scored three or four goals a night, we’d be a totally different team." Amen, Jaro;
For your post-game adult entertainment, just go walk around an Arizona State campus. Here's some of what you'll see.

Let's hear your thoughts in the comments Or not, I don't care. Meh, whatever.

UPDATE - oh look, there's a game review from 4 just below this. Go read it.

Flames 1 - Saint-Nicks 0 ... No, I mean Flames 1 - Wild 0, ... No, I mean Flames 1 - 80s Devils 0

2009-11-12T13:06:00.010-05:00

Just wanna squeeze this one in before we start commenting on the game tonight at Do Not Pass Go Do Not Collect 200$ Arena.

Quantitatively, I will offer you as many words on the game as the Habs gave you goals.

Have a nice day.

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, November 12th

2009-11-12T06:00:00.002-05:00

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of FOX canceling yet another Joss Whedon show...

No Ovie, no problem for the Caps, who use an 11-round shootout to win again without him;
Sabres also win again, time to recognize they're pretty good;
Canes, on the other hand, are not;
Maybe Detroit can teach the Habs how to score;
The Leafs are the most valuable franchise in the NHL. Habs are third. Apparently suckiness doesn't hurt value.

Habs head to the desert tonight for what I'm sure will be a huge crowd in Phoenix.

The Morning Skate Remembers for November 11th

2009-11-11T06:36:00.005-05:00

After another loss, it's always good for some perspective. And today is a good day for perspective. I think I said this in last year's Remembrance Day Post but I want to say again - I hate it when sports announcers and journalists and even players use war metaphors to describe games. War is war; sports are a diversion. Sports aren't life and death, even though sometimes we treat them that way. Soldiers fighting to protect our freedom is really life and death. Remember that.

Golly! It's an old-timey Flames Preview and Open Thread

2009-11-10T11:30:00.002-05:00

Who does this floozie think she is?

I reckon the Club Athletique Canadien is having a pretty average National Hockey Association season. While we have some dillies playing, the squad is hovering around the .500 mark. And we are coming off a depressing loss to the Renfrew Creamery Kings. Tonight's match starts promptly at 7:30 at the Montreal Arena. Get yourself all gussied up, catch the #11 streetcar at Craig Street and ride it all the way there.

Our club has some very keen players right now. Newsy Lalonde is tearing up the league at more than a goal per game pace. Didier Pitre is right there with him. Georges "I hope some day they name a trophy after me" Vézina is continuing his outstanding rookie campaign, leading the league in GAA. The rest of our boys - Poulin, Bernier, Laviolette, and Betrand nous font fiers, unlike those English pig dog Wanderers. I do find this English-French divide depressing however. I'm sure one day it will all be cleared up. I can only imagine that some day the newspapermen of the future will applaud the ethnic and cultural diversity this Canadiens team will have, if only the Czar would stop oppressing the Russian players and let them seek their fortune in North America.

But nuts! This team is really getting my goat. We are making a lot of boners in our defensive zone, leaving poor Vézina alone to get fed to the wolves. Maybe the rigours of the 16-game schedule are finally catching up to us. Gee willikers, playing like this, there is really no way we can catch the Ottawa Hockey Club in the standings.

For your post-game naughty entertainment joint, head over to Sammy's in the basement of 231 St. James Street (knock four times and ask for Jimmy). Rumour has it the ladies are exposing their ankles there now.

Are you jazzed for the game? Let's hear it in the comments.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, November 10th

2009-11-10T06:00:00.001-05:00

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Marissa Miller in a bikini...

Jonathan Toews comes back from concussion and scores in the Hawks 4-1 win over the Kings;
The latest suspension in the latest nasty hit incident;
BR takes on the Bell Centre boo-birds;
Puck Daddy reports on the $1ok price tag on Toe Blake's head.

Habs ~~lose to~~ play the red-hot Flames tonight.

It's the obligatory classy and snark-free Hall of Fame post!

2009-11-09T14:35:00.002-05:00

Mazel Tov to the incredible Hall class being enshrined today:

Stevie Y
Brett "I'm an American, dammit" Hull
Luuuuuuc Robitaille (I actually had a CEGEP class with him once, but that's a story for another time)
Brian "Who me? I never played for the Leafs" Leetch
Evil genius and satanic servant Lou Lamoriello

OK, some snark. But seriously, that's some fucking group. Next year, Lindros will sully them all.