I'm Quietly Judging You

So I've been busy...

2009-10-08T13:03:00.002-04:00

Since January I've been taking classes at the University of Minnesota. While I don't care for their football team, I've actually quite been enjoying myself.

Dudes, I LOVE being back in school. LOVE. I'm also volunteering at the local hospital and working part-time as a waitress (it sucks, but it pays, yo). I can't say I like living in Minnesota again (especially when I wait on people I went to high school with. Approaching them with a giant FAIL on my forehead is always fun), but I have a wonderful boyfriend who makes my lunch for me every morning, and I get to play with my kiddos every once in a while (my nieces and nephews, FYI. NOT MINE).

As of right now I've taken 7/12 of my prerequisite classes and gotten an A in all of them (however Abnormal Psych is KILLING me right now. Sure, I can follow Microbiology with ease, but give me a test on fucking ADHD and I crumble).

I'm just starting applying to schools as well, so we'll see how that goes. I'm applying everywhere as my undergrad GPA is on the low side (I majored in beer). I mean, literally EVERYWHERE. From Portland to Mizzou to University of Florida to Duke to Johns Hopkins.

I miss New York and all my wonderful friends there, but I'm happy with my decision. Sure, sometimes I can't believe I went from living in Manhattan to living in the suburbs of Minneapolis, but whatevs. It was the right time to go for me.

I just wanted to let all of you know I miss this blog, and all of you too.

Hi

2009-08-03T18:21:00.001-04:00

Anybody out there?! Given the recent comments lately, I'd say only Asians are reading this blog.

...and that's a good thing.

Your mom's WHAT?

2008-12-22T17:10:00.003-05:00

A while back, I had a party at my apartment. It was July of 2007. I was throwing a party in honor of my new roommate and my friend Meg, who was celebrating her birthday that month.

Now, back in 2007 I was just befriending a lot of people here in NYC through this blog. There was one in particular that drove me up the wall. Now, there is a chance that she could read this, but given that she seriously fucked over a friend of mine, I don't fucking care (although more than likely she is too busy staring at herself in the mirror trying to convince herself she's worth a damn in this world). ANYWAYS. Her tears of humiliation mean more enjoyment for you.

Now, the rules of a party is you show up no earlier than an hour or so before said party begins. The exception to the rule is if you are pretty close with the party thrower, then you can show up whenever, even BEFORE the posted start time.

So there I am with Meg, her friend, my roommate, and maybe one of my roommates friends. The party started at 8pm, technically, which really meant it started at 9pm. Now you can imagine my surprise when the door buzzed at 7:55pm and in walked said blogger. I was a little put off guard, and given this girl has a penchant for saying really inappropriate things at the WORST times, I was a little bummed. There I was sober trying to have some fun with one of the most awesome girls I have ever met, and now I had to deal with this girl. But, I put on my party face and dealt with it. I'm a survivor, you know? I invited her, so I had to deal.

Eventually the cocktails were flowing and her obnoxious words became a little easier to tolerate. Meg and her friend even let her into a little inside joke they were running all night. I can't remember how it went exactly, but any sentence they spoke somehow involved their "mons pubis" (don't click on the link if you are at work. To summarize, it's the lady mound in a woman's no-no region that hurts when you sit on a bicycle). Like, "My mons pubis likes Jenga." or "My mons pubis really likes this song." I swear, it is 1000 times funnier when Meg was saying it.

So there are Meg and friend going back and forth, and I'm laughing my ass off. All of a sudden, Janie McAnnoystheshitoutofme piped in with something to the effect of "I wanna be friends with my mom's pubis."

No seriously, it was like that. MY MOM'S PUBIS.

Awkward!

(welcome disturbing google searches in 3...2...1...)

My gift to you.

2008-12-22T15:53:00.002-05:00

You heard it right! You can now be my fan on Facebook.

Consider it an early Christmas present...and if you are Jewish, Happy Belated Hannukah.

You're welcome.

Love,
IQJY.

50 Goodbyes

2008-12-18T09:09:00.007-05:00

I've never been very good at goodbyes and being that I'm leaving in less than two weeks (!), I thought I would take this time to create a blog post to tell everyone that I have met since coming to New York what I really think of them. And no, I'm not telling which one is you.

You think everyone loves you, but they don't. In fact, I would guess most of the people that you think adore you really just follow you around cause they are scared. I'm not though, and that's why you never really liked me either, huh? Oh, and you're really not as funny as you think you are. At all.
You are one of my soul mates. It's rare to find someone of such beauty, intelligence and humor. I'm so happy I'm your friend.
Yes, your dick was big but you smelled like smoke all the time. And no, you really weren't that good in bed. Heavy breathing goes a long way, doesn't it?
You were my partner in crime for the last few years. I've never met anyone so happy go lucky and self assured in my life. I'm going to miss you so much.
Sure, you talk about yourself a lot and are spoiled rotten, but you have a heart of gold deep down. I wish you happiness in your life ahead.
I really think the fact that you spent $1800 on a purse is the most absurd thing in the world, but your advice is like gold to me. Thanks for helping me through some tough times. Plus, your clothes? I want to steal them.
The reason I'm so cold to you now isn't cause of you, it's your boyfriend. He's an ass and I don't see this ending well.
You deserve someone who will love you as much as I do. No one in NY makes me laugh as much as you do.
Well, you make me laugh too. I wish you saw yourself like I see you. I'm secretly jealous of you cause you're so awesome. Someday you'll realize how awesome you actually are.
I want to have sex with you.
You hurt me, more than you realize. You do not have all the answers, and it appears if you remain that closed minded, you never will.
YOUR BLOG MAKES ME WANT TO STAB MYSELF IN THE EYE WITH A SPOON. Stop taking yourself so seriously. You're not funny, OR a good writer. (No, TK, it's not you :) )
You are one of the sleaziest men I have ever met in my life. I knew that from the day (ok maybe week) you came into my life. You totally got what you deserve.
I love you.
OMG why are you so cranky all the time? Clearly you get fed, so WHY? You seem nice and all, so WHY?
You practically stalk me and I know it. Like, do you watch SWF on repeat to get ideas? Also, the veiled confidence is very very transparent. The reason your single is cause you're annoying. Nothing else.
You're gay. Stop trying to hide it. Everyone suspects it.
You're an asshole, but I enjoyed the times we spent together. You made me laugh a lot.
You broke my heart more than my ex-boyfriend did. The way I was so disposable to you is something I still think about.
You are certifiably crazy and an actual stalker. There was a time there I was actually concerned for my safety. And your dick curved in a way that made me think your mom dropped you on it when you were a kid.
You were my favorite of the NY bloggers. Always will be :)
You are one of the most inspirational people I have ever met in my life. You have more guts and (warranted) self confidence than anyone I have ever known. Stay that way.
You are a misogynist. The way you treat women is despicable.
Yes, you really do look like a bird. I just didn't want to agree with the guy in front of you.
Your status messages make me LOLzy on a daily basis. Please don't stop them!
People thought you were mean, but you aren't. You're just honest, and that is one of the most admirable qualities I have ever met in someone. Thank you for showing me that.
You truly are the worst person I have ever met in my life. You lied to me, you know it, I know it. I would be more sympathetic to you if you were a cutter rather than spewing the hideous vitriol you do on a daily basis to people you come in contact with. Also, put down the cheeseburger, you've clearly had enough.
You're being lied to, and you don't know it. No hard feelings.
I'm not sure whether I like you, or dislike you. It changes daily it seems.
You got married cause you were scared to be alone. I thought you looked like a stuff sausage in your dress. What you did to ________ to get her fired was cruel. Remember, what goes around comes around, honey.
I'll miss you friend, and our times together. Keep your chin up. You'll find him.
Why did you de-friend me on Facebook? What did I ever do to you? It was them.
Wow, you have a lot of wrinkles for being 2 years younger than me. Your body is banging though, so I don't know why you keep on talking about how fat you are.
You are the most difficult person that I have ever had the displeasure of working with. By a long shot.
How you got so far in life knowing as little as you do is beyond me.
You could be the most whiney girl I have ever met. Your desire to one up me all the time is very transparent. Look, I know you're smarter than me, but get over it. Your social skills SUCK.
Your kid looks like he's missing a chromosome. Just sayin!
I had so much fun going out with you. You and your girlfriend are two of the most awesome people ever. I wish you guys both a long and happy life together.
It is true that you don't know what you got til it's gone., and that phrase couldn't be more accurate to describe my feelings for you. You were awesome and I should have told you more.
I never understood your infatuation with your girlfriend, but whatever. as long as you are happy. You are one of the greatest guys I have ever met (and yes, I may have had a minor crush on you).
I thought you were shrill and it took every ounce of my being to not knock your teeth in when you spoke over me.
You were one of the first people I ever met in New York that I would honestly consider to be worthy of being my friend. I'm sorry we lost touch. Singing Wham! with you on repeat was awesome.
You were my first Jersey stereotype that I enjoyed being around. You never took yourself seriously. That's a hard quality to find in someone. But I have a question, how did you not get weighed down by all those chains?
I think you're a nice girl, you're just looking for positive reinforcement from the wrong person. She talks behind your back and it breaks my heart.
What they did to you was horrible, but you are better off where you are now. Good riddance, right??
Dude, I only liked you cause there was no one else around. Get over yourself, you never were and certainly are not my type. You are kind of funny though. I was telling you the truth about that.
You never liked me cause more people liked me than you. Women like you give the rest of us normal ones a bad name.
How someone so smart can be so stupid is beyond me. And please, stop asking me questions during tv shows. I never told you, but I hated it.
Your blog was awesome. I miss it.
!!!!!!!!!!!! (OK, this one I will admit is Ryan Gosling)

Blogs!

2008-12-17T14:47:00.005-05:00

So in a way I feel like I'm starting this blogging thing over from scratch. The blogs I used to read on a daily basis pretty much no longer exist as the authors have either 1) actually get laid now, 2) changed jobs so they actually have to "work", 3) were tired of me leaving comments to the effect of "THIS IS THE BEST BLOG EV-ER.", or 4) Became the most boring drivel on the internet other than CNN. Seriously, I'm blown away that I actually used to read this blog (which has become somewhat popular since I left the blogging community) because it reads like a bad sitcom where ridiculous scenarios are clearly a figment of the author's imagination.

I guess my question is, are there any good blogs out there written by funny people who, you know, aren't like my Jayson Blair blogger mentioned above?

NOTE: I'm just too lazy to go looking for new blogs myself. It's seriously overwhelming. The internetz is yuge.

Announcement!

2008-12-16T10:13:00.003-05:00

Hi everyone! Remember me? Hopefully you do. Well, I can officially let you know what I've been up to lately, and it's all good news.

I'm moving back to Minneapolis to go back to school.

After my mom got sick, I've felt like my current career path isn't really what I want to be doing. I may be sarcastic and judgemental, but deep down, very deep down, I'm a nice girl who really just wants to help people.

So this summer I was considering new career paths for me. I thought about physical therapy, but the school is expensive (doctorates are required) and the average salary is not that high.

Last September I was out with 3 of my closest friends here in the city. One of them who does something similar to what I am doing was quitting her job to become a physicians assistant. I read a little about PA's but not too much. It was at that moment that my friend brought up another friend of hers who went to school for business, worked as an i-banker for a couple years, then decided it wasn't for her. My friend went on to tell me that her friend got accepted into a nursing program where you get your baccalaureate and masters in 3 years.

I went home and immediately read all about it, and was sold. I read more about travel nurses too, who basically travel around the country living in housing paid for by the nurse staffing company.

Another bonus? You make bank all the while not having to worry about those two little words everyone seems to fear: "laid off".

So as of right now, I'm registered at the University of Minnesota to take biology, chemistry, psych and a nursing class. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time.

I am sad to leave New York though. I came here for a boy and will leave knowing some of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life. The good news for you is I'll have tons of time to blog again and can do it whenever I want! Now that I can openly talk about everything in my life, it'll be easier.

So it's about time I dust this bitch off and get it started again, no?

BEST.YOUTUBE.EVER.

2008-11-20T14:30:00.001-05:00

Sorry for all the youtubes, but this is just too good not to share.

God I love people.

This could be the greatest thing I have ever seen

2008-11-10T22:17:00.002-05:00

You're welcome

Did the election of a black president actually take away the rights for gays to marry in Cali?

2008-11-06T09:50:00.005-05:00

From the NY Times:

California will still allow same-sex civil unions, but that is not an option in Arizona and Florida. Exit polls in California found that 70 percent of black voters backed the ban. Slightly more than half of Latino voters, who made up almost 20 percent of voters, favored the ban, while 53 percent of whites opposed it.

It's not a secret that the urban black community hasn't hopped on the gay rights boat quite yet, and those numbers above don't lie either. Could it be that by electing Obama as president, we sent the gay rights movement back a few years? Oh, the irony.

Shame on you California (and Florida and Arizona). Gays have every right to marry for money as the rest of us.

Note: It's just been pointed out to me that Sexy Knife Posing! didn't start with a link to the New York Times. OK, I know. I can't exactly talk about my life right now for reasons I will soon share. Until then, again, I urge you to have patience. I'm still sort of funny. But not really. Why do you read this blog again?

How I went from a drunk to a wannabe economist in a year

2008-10-07T00:49:00.003-04:00

I know this blog isn't fun anymore. My life is boring (for now), and until that changes, I have no more tales of drunken debauchery for you. No more stories of flaccid penises or 6 am hangovers at airports. Instead, my days are filled with reading actual newspapers and not just Perez Hilton.

I am fascinated by human behavior, hence my major. As a commenter so lovingly (?) pointed out, I apparently "don't have a a degree in economics". OK. So you don't have to read what I have to say. I DO have a degree in another social science, and while I hardly would EVER claim to be an expert on ANYTHING (except burritos), I do tend to think I understand humans and why they do things more than most. This isn't learned from a common degree but rather, you know, COMMON SENSE.

Let me explain.

Everywhere in the world, there is balance. Good vs evil. Fire vs. water. Life vs. death. Vikings vs. ACTUAL GOOD FOOTBALL TEAMS. So it is logical to assume that with great excess must come some kind of retraction of that excess.

Reaganomics allowed this company to flourish on the idea false wealth. Rather than actually increase the wealth of our country, we were encouraged to go into debt to fuel the expansion of our economy. Many inefficient, poorly run companies were allowed to report huge gains for years because of this (cough cough Lehman), so why WHY are we crying over a company that was actually doing more harm to our economy than good?

Look, I know it sounds cold to be so flippant about the fact that thousands lost their jobs. It is. For some reason we as humans have come to think that we are not subject to the laws of balance the rest of the world is because of our opposable thumbs and ability to walk on two legs, but we are not. This sense of balance has long been lost this past century (or centuries for that matter). We no longer have any natural predators so our population is growing at an exponential rate which is in turn throwing the balance of the world all out of wack. It's evidence in global warming (yes, Palin, it is man-made. Read a book, yo.). We all need to take a deep breath, and realize that a recession might be a good thing. It's bringing balance back to the economy, and maybe lowering our beliefs on what we "need" to survive. So what if we have to "regress" to a standard of living from years ago? Last time I checked, it wasn't so bad.

Oh, and for the commenter who suggested I was going to be in a breadline, I'm pretty sure I'm a Blackberry, $170 cable bill, and a pair of $250 jeans away from a breadline.

I'm far from a Republican. I'm more liberal than most everyone I know. I'm fine with capitalism if we take the good with the bad, which is something the $700B bailout is not letting us do. We either need to be all in for the "free" market, or accept some form of socialism during periods of growth and recession. This weird hybrid is not working for anyone.

OK let the hate comments begin!

For fuck's sake

2008-10-02T23:54:00.005-04:00

"You're supposed to shake my hand, Governor."

If that woman becomes 2nd in command, by God, I'm going to do something drastic. I don't know what yet, but it will be drastic.

My thoughts (if you care):

MAVERICKMAVERICKMAVERICKMAVERICK
What war does John McCain know how to win exactly?
blinkblink...what did you just say? Did you answer the question? What? Who am I? STOP WINKING AT ME.
I HAVE GAY FRIENDS LOLZY!!!11
Global warming isn't man made, but we still need to stop it! Take THAT Mother Nature!
McCellan, McKiernan...Potayto, potato.
Nucular!
Early withdrawal is bad! Yes! Tell your daughter that!
I WILL JUST ANSWER EVERY QUESTION WITH AN ANSWER ABOUT ALASKA.
I've only been doing this for 5 weeks...(no kidding?)
O'Biden!

Oh, just GO HOME ALREADY.

We're just jukin' the stats

2008-09-29T21:54:00.002-04:00

Seriously people. I don't get it. All I read about lately is how the credit market is crashing, we're all going to implode, and Palin is going to invade Russia via the Bering Straight. The solution? Throw more gas on the flames via a $700 billion bailout.

Now, most of you know I am very socially liberal gay marriage, abortion rights, nationalized health care, I'm all for it. However I do believe that the greatest motivation to help drive our economy is greed. I suppose that makes me mildly fiscally conservative. I think people acting in their own monetary self interests will always stabilize the economy. Always.

I like to compare what is going on to a forest fire. Forest fires are devastating. They destroy almost anything in their path. Your initial reaction to the devastation is always to think that it will never grow back, but let me put it this way. What you didn't see before the fire was the entire floor of the forest was covered in decomposing debris that was rotting the ground. New seeds could no longer germinate as they couldn't reach fresh soil and in fact, the debris on the ground was slowly killing the forest.

Here comes the fire that wipes out not only the long standing old trees, but all the debris that was choking off the forest. Those seeds that were prepared for the fire prosper with no competition, growing stronger roots than any of its ancestors. The forest is reborn, stronger than before.

We as Americans have grown too accustom to our comfortable lifestyle. What do we need all that credit for anyways? A 3rd tv? A second house on a lake? Sure, those things are nice. But remember all, there are people all across the world who suffer about 1 million times more on a daily basis than you or me. I think a little reality check is in order. We all need to start living within our means.

The bailout plan is socialism for the rich. They gained all the benefits of capitalism when times were good, but will not be forced to reap the consequences of their greed. This is the natural order of things.

Many of you know I was a physical anthropology major in college which is basically evolution. I actually considered getting a Darwin tattoo once. This is economic Darwinism, folks. Go home, don't panic, look at your family and be thankful that you have food on your table (in my case that is Chipotle).

That is all.

Maybe "sometimes bet on black" would have been a better quote

2008-09-10T19:21:00.002-04:00

A couple weeks back I was in the Newark airport at about 5:15am for a 6am flight. I had to get up at 3am to 1) to take a train to New Jersey and 2) Take a flight to Detroit. It was like the armpit tour of America (ok so I was just changing planes in Detroit (pronounced Day-twa) but STILL).

OK so I get my ticket and approach the security line. Normally security in Newark airport is maybe 10 people long. This time TSA was a little backed up saving the world from miniature bottles of Scope that the line was easily about 100 people. Being that it was 5:30 now and my flight was boarding, I was concerned to make the flight. Upon discussing my concern about my flight status, the always charming TSA agent simply shrugged. I almost started to stomp my feet and bitch slap her when a nice man said he had only been waiting for 10 minutes. The line was moving fast. Ok then.

I hop into line and sure enough, the line slowly moves along. I reach the front of the line where another nice TSA agent wearing what appears to be a security moomoo and rubber gloves checks my ticket and ushers me into the "special line".

You know what that means folks! That "special line" is for those of us graced with patience and have to enjoy "extra security". I reach the front of the security check point where I anticipate someone reaching 2nd base and maybe a cavity search (or 2!), when an older gentleman who had a polo tucked into his Levis carrying a leather messenger bag (sweet!) and a black man with a mild afro get the velvet rope treatment ahead of me. I do my usual eye roll and shift my weight impatiently back and forth from each foot, when I look closer at the black man.

It was Wesley Snipes!

Of course he was wearing sunglasses cause it is super bright in Newark at 5:30am, but it looked a lot like him. Now, I have no problem asking if celebrities are who they say they are, but this was different. If I was wrong, and I certainly could have been, I would be the dumb white girl who thinks all black men look like Wesley Snipes. Although it did look like him, I was unsure of it given his travel partner. Seriously, Wesley Fucking Snipes does not hang with ANY old dude with low hanging jowls, sensible loafers, and age spots.

I do my thing in security behind Fake-Wesley, when I start to notice more attention being paid to the two companions in front of me than airline security warrant. I mean, bitches be giggling everywhere. They FINALLY exit the security area when my lady, while frisking me mind you, whispers, "Did you see that was Wesley Snipes?!"

I KNEW IT.

Dude had a fucking SKULL RING and I doubted that it was Wesley? For shame.

The TSA agent was so flustered, she only checked one of my bags and I had to remind her she had to check the other one. Our airport security's finest!

I called the one person who I knew would appreciate that I was behind Wesley Snipes at Newark Airport in line for security when he stopped me mid-sentence.

"Isn't he going to jail?"

And that, my folks, is what we call a light bulb moment. You see, that older gentleman that he was with? They aren't vacationing in Cabo together, the old dude WAS ESCORTING HIM TO JAIL.

I like to think that Wesley is in his cell right now thinking about his last sight of a beautiful woman. But really, I bet he's thanking God he just didn't get but raped by a guy screaming, "I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO BET ON BLACK MOTHERFUCKER."

(yes, I made my flight. No, he wasn't on my flight to Detroit. Can't win them all)

50 things I miss about the Midwest

2008-08-11T19:31:00.003-04:00

1. Pancheros (did you guys think this would be any lower than #1 on my list?)
2. Cheap beer
3. Affordable housing
4. Not having firetrucks turn on sirens right outside my apt at 4am.
5. My family (imagine that! :) )
6. My girls.
7. Being able to drive on a road that actually moves (vs. ANYWHERE in the tri-state area on I-95)
8. The smell of grass.
9. College football
10. Twins jerseys.
11. High school hockey games.
12. ARBY'S.
13. The fact that men don't wear skinnier jeans than I do.
14. not paying $5 plus tip for a Bud Light.
15. CHILI'S.
16. The leaves falling from the trees during Fall.
17. Not worrying about wet spots/stepping in shit on the sidewalk
18. Not living in a closet.
19. Not paying $1400 a month in rent (yep)
20. Not living amongst creatures.
21. Not paying $100 a month for a gym membership.
22. Not dealing with people who talk about how "New York is the greatest city EV-ERRR."
23. Wearing flip flops outside and not having my feet look like I walked on coals.
24. NOT HAVING TO WALK IN THE RAIN.
25. Being able to run outside and not worry about inhaling exhaust.
26. Being able to bike freely and worry about impending death.
27. SHOPPING MALLS.
28. Women who spend a reasonable amount of money on purses.
29. Cheese curds.
30. State fairs.
31. TAILGATING.
32. Spending weekends on lakes (sorry, I hate the ocean)
33. My dentist.
34. My gynecologist (sorry, he had the touch) (ok, sorry again)
35. All of Iowa City and the surrounding area
36. Being in driving distance of Iowa City.
37. Not having people smoke on my stoop.
38. Spending $60 on dinner alone (not including drinks).
39. MOTHERFUCKING TARGET.
40. Ginormous grocery stores.
41. The sound of crickets
42. The smell of rain
43. The thunderstorms
44. Rainbows
45. Being able to pack everything in a car and drive it home rather than carry it everywhere.
46. Central air in your home, not a wall unit.
47. Paying less than $100 for a decent haircut.
48. Being able to go about my day without elbowing a tourist of some sort.
49. No Yankee fans in sight.
50. A place to call home.

Testing...

2008-08-09T23:34:00.001-04:00

I got a new Blackberry today. Apparently you can blog from phones now. This might be trouble...
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

In the words of Bridget Jones...

2008-08-05T17:11:00.001-04:00

I choose vodka. And Chaka Kahn.

My life just got turned upside down. Changes are coming. Be patient.

The Triathlon

2008-07-21T21:13:00.003-04:00

I suppose since I've been complaining about this bitch for so long I owe you guys a recap. Before I get started, let me give you a little background that is related to my race on Sunday.

The week prior to my race, Team in Training scheduled a practice at Brighton Beach at Coney Island. For those of you who aren't familiar with Coney Island, it's a beach located on the south shore of Long Island in Brooklyn. It has an amusement park, lots of funnel cakes, The Brooklyn Cyclones (the Mets minor league team), and home to Nathan's Annual Hot Dog Eat Contest (what up Joey Chestnut!).

They had us practicing out there to get us used to open water swim. Perhaps you've seen Open Water, or maybe you haven't, but hopefully you understand why this is such a fear for people. I wasn't that scared as I grew up on lakes and was constantly swimming in water where I could not see the bottom. This last weekend was a little different. After 15 minutes of swimming, I got a painful sensation on my left arm. It felt like a really really really bad sunburn, the kind where your skin gets spotty. I knew immediately it was a jellyfish as I saw some that were beached before I entered the water. I doggy paddled my way back to the beach and told my coach I was done. I asked him if there would be jellies in the Hudson, and he assured me that "the water is too dirty for jellies." THUMBS UP!

So cut to the race morning. I got up at 4am for a 6:20 swim start. The Olympians went first, then the "elite" athletes (this would be like if Lance Armstrong was participating), and the rest of us were divided into different gender and age groups. The women went first to shorten the length of the time from first to last runner.

Since the Olympians went in at 5:50 there was 30 minutes from the time I jumped in from when they were swimming. I actually saw them on my mile long walk to the swim start.

Finally it was my age groups time to go and I jumped in. The water was warm. Not as dirty as I expected, and it tasted like the ocean. I heard last year that a girl swam into a diaper, but as I was swimming I saw no trash. So far so good.

Then I felt it. The same pain I felt the week prior. That painful stinging on my hand. I looked at my hand and saw the same swelling. Yep! I was stung by a jellyfish again! I kept on swimming, but the pain worsened, and in different areas. My feet, arms, face, lip. Yes, I did say my lip. I was wearing a wetsuit, but it was sleeveless and as I pulled my arm out once again my entire forearm was swollen.

I tried to swim faster but the psychological damage was done. At one point I swam by something bright red that looked kinda hairy. At the time I thought it was a head and screamed, but turns out that was the jellyfish. You can imagine how close I was to see such a thing in the dirty water of the Hudson. By now I am about 3/4ths done with the swim when I look up and see people swimming on their backs. You're supposed to do this to keep yourself from panicking. I asked everyone around me if they were getting stung too, and I was answered with a lot of f-bombs. At least it wasn't just me, right?

A few seconds later I then manage to grab on to something squishy mid-stroke. The pain was then all over my hand. That's right! If I didn't manage to piss off enough jellies by swimming into them, I managed to grab onto one! AWESOME!

Finally I finished and washed off all the sting with fresh water and hopped on my bike. The ride was pleasant enough, but it was starting to get really really hot so I was getting more and more tired. I was still going strong though. The last leg was running, and that's what I am best at.

When I finish my bike ride, the time was about 8:30am and the temperature outside was about 85 degrees. I don't know if any of you have run in that kind of heat, with NYC humidity and no shade, but it is MIZ-ZER-ABLE. After a mile I felt like I was going to throw up. The energy bars I was trying to consume were wreaking havoc on my gastrointestinal tract, and I actually contemplated taking a break in the woods, if you know what I mean. I hope you do cause I don't want to explain any further.

I've run in Central Park probably about 75 times in my life. I know it well and can run the 6 mile loop pretty easily. A couple weeks ago I ran it in 52 minutes. Now, I knew I was going to be a little slower because I was tired, but a couple weeks ago I biked for an hour in 15 minutes (15 miles), and then ran the loop in 54 minutes. This time it took me an 1 hour 1 minute. That's a huge gap in times for 6 miles. By the time I was done, I'd say the heat index was close to, if not over 90 degrees.

I spent the rest of the day sitting on my couch thanking God that it was over, and that I'd never ever ever do it again.

Then this morning, I come into work and see this:

MAN DIES IN NYC TRIATHLON

Some guy apparently went into cardiac arrest during the swim and died. I found that his initial autopsy found his death to be inconclusive and are awaiting toxicology reports about the stings. His heat was an hour after mine, so I was well on my bike ride when he was found. The woman mentioned, was in fact, during my heat or one right before or after me cause I heard about it during my swim.

Anyways...I finished in 3:15--about 15 minutes slower than I was hoping, but at least I finished right? Poor guy.

Never again.

Who the fuck gave this guy a camera?

2008-07-19T22:29:00.004-04:00

Infuriating. Absolutely infuriating. (Note to JHC: don't click that link unless you want to be sent into a blind rage)

This movie quite possibly surpassed The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers as my favorite movie of all time. Now this douche, who clearly doesn't understand anything, is shoving his face with Twinkies saying Heath's performance was good, "not amazing...worked with what was given to him."

More on this later. Triathlon starts tomorrow at 6:20 am (I have to get up at 4am. Weee!) so maybe I can start blogging again.

So that's what I get to swim in?

2008-06-23T22:23:00.002-04:00

My roommate and I were sitting on the couch one day most likely watching The Bachelorette or some shit, when she brought up that she went to one of my FAVORITE restaurants in the city. You may have heard of it if you leave in the state of New York and/or often visit the lovely (right) city of Syracuse--Dinosaur BBQ. Now, I don't even like BBQ but I would love to make sweet love to that Fried Green Tomato BLT they have on the menu (and then later spoon with some of their deviled eggs). A little background from the website:

In December 2004, Dinosaur Bar-B-Que opened in Harlem, NY. This location has contributed to the pioneering of a unique section of Harlem. Nestled under the grandiose Riverside Dr. bridge, this place possess the same charisma, style, and flavor of its upstate counterparts. Harlem Dinosaur has become a favorite destination for Manhattanites, locals, and everyone in the tri-state area.

What they don't tell you is that the "grandiose Riverside Dr. bridge is a fucking dump. Honestly, if you look at the worst parts of Manhattan, they're always near or underneath a bridge/overpass. But I suppose the ambiance of living under a highway gives the feeling of the biker bar the original in Syracuse possessed, so I go with it.

What the website also doesn't tell you is the restaurant is about 50 yards from the Hudson and about 1 mile up the river from where I will dive in at the beginning of my triathlon.

OK so back to my conversation with my roommate:

Her: Oh, I didn't tell you!
Me: What?
Her: I saw them pull a dead body out of the Hudson near Dinosaur BBQ.
Me: ...
Her: Really!
Me: WHAT?!
Her: Yeah, I was with [name redacted] when there was all this commotion and cop cars and ambulances rushing by us. [Name redacted] thought he saw a diver in the water cause he saw some dude's head behind a boat. Turns out it was some guy's body, not a diver, and I was about 20 ft from the cop as he took a giant hook and attempted to pull him out of the river.

My roommate then went on to describe the rigamortus claw the guy was sporting (she also demonstrated the position on her own hand) and also the grayish hue this guy had become from all that decomposition.

She told me that she attempted to find out who it was only to find out it was some unidentified black man in his late 20's. Yep! Black dude turned fucking gray. And I'm swimming in all his secretions. Thumbs up!

Note: In an attempt to find said dead person, I googled "body found in Hudson". Now I wish I didn't.

Jaysus

2008-06-13T17:07:00.006-04:00

Kinda weird to see a path where you walked along completely submerged.

The above three pictures are pics of the University of Iowa's Memorial Union. I ate at those table and chairs many times trying to "study" or just eating Pizza Hut breadsticks dipped with ranch with my friends (all charged to my Pops, of course).

I've seen pictures of floods many many times, but to see probably one of my favorite places in the world (that would be Iowa City) in such a condition is seriously disturbing.

UPDATE: One of my fellow commenters at BHGP (the best Hawkeye sports blog on the web), three and out the KOK story, left this link in my comment section a little bit ago. Cedar Rapids is maybe a 20 minute drive from Iowa City. I used to drive over that bridge on 380 on my way to school every year. I remember very vividly the entire city smells like rancid oats (Quaker Oats headquarters is there). This is all just weird and sad at the same time.

Denied...again.

2008-06-06T10:12:00.000-04:00

Dear Megan,
Thank you for applying to the ING New York City Marathon 2008. We're sorry to inform you that you were not selected in the random lottery drawing. Although we wish everyone could be accepted, we have to limit the size of the field to ensure the best experience for each of our runners.

We encourage you to consider running this year's marathon by applying for entry through one of our official charity partners such as Team for Kids or Fred's Team. Visit www.ingnycmarathon.org/about/charities.php to find out how you can take advantage of this opportunity to run while supporting a worthy cause.

For other great racing opportunities, you can join us at NYRR races almost every weekend in New York City. The NYC Half-Marathon Presented by NIKE is coming up on July 27 and if you're not yet entered, you still have the opportunity to fill one of a few remaining spots by running in support of a charity .

For details about other NYRR races, becoming a member, and other valuable programs this upcoming year, as we celebrate the 50th anniversary of NYRR, visit www.nyrr.org.

Thank you so much for your interest in the ING New York City Marathon. We invite you to apply next year for the ING New York City Marathon 2009, and we wish you a summer of healthy and gratifying running.

Sincerely,
Mary Wittenberg
President and CEO, New York Road RunnersRace Director, ING New York City Marathon

The Greatest Story About Gatesy

2008-06-03T22:08:00.002-04:00

I love that my best friend has a blog. She's been blogging since 2003. Did you know that? I think she might have invented blogs she has been blogging for so long. She had a blog before there was internet I think. She just used paper airplanes to get her message across.

Anyways.

Most of you know we've been friends for quite some time. Since 1998, to be exact. We're coming up on our 10 year anniversary this September (sweet fucking lord!) and in honor of that I am going to share one of my fondest memories of her, also starring yours truly.

I love college football. Perhaps my love of my Hawkeyes started way back when the first time I saw Tim Dwight return a punt for a touchdown, or maybe when one of my friends started screwing someone on the football team (both will remain nameless (no, it's not Gatesy)). Either way, I love everything about it.

One of the things I miss most though is tailgating. Sure, I can go to a bar here and order a cold one and enjoy the game, but there's just something special about being in Iowa City outside Kinnick Stadium in the fall.

Then there are the turkey legs.

There is some dude outside the stadium for every home game that sells giant turkey legs. I mean HUGE. Our senior year Homecoming (I think we were playing Michigan State), Megan and my other friends and I decided it would be a good idea to go tailgating for the game. My friend drove her '88 Cutlass Sierra (recognize!) and we danced on the roof to Soul Decision or some shit like that so hard we dented it. That's just how us Hawkeyes roll.

Maybe it was the booze, or maybe the football, or maybe my strong desire to put any kind of bone in my mouth, but I overcame my aversion to meat on the bone and bought a turkey leg. I took two bites out of the thing, realized that I hate eating meat off the bone (that's what she said?) and thought of the fastest way I could rid myself of this turkey leg.

Then she appeared in my site. My Gatesy girl. I knew what I had to do. She was standing about 15 feet from me when I took aim. I wound up and released the turkey leg at an astronomical speed and it smacked her right in the head. Bullseye.

I initially didn't own up to throwing it, but my maniacal laughter soon gave me away. The story have evolved into the stuff of legends. What started out as a simple stun from a turkey leg has turned into me launching a full turkey covered in bbq sauce so hard that it knocks her back in her chair, only to stand up with a face covered in sauce.

And to you, my sweet girl, I dedicate this song. I love you.

It was a run by fruiting!

2008-05-30T12:46:00.002-04:00

Kids are assholes. All of them. Don't come to me all, "but my kid is nice!" NO. Case in point:

I was biking in Central Park last weekend minding my own business when something rolled in front of my tire. I was biking by a baseball diamond so I assumed it was some kid hitting a major league pop-up foul ball. I heard something else behind me and saw the exact same yellow ball roll behind me.

I turned around and saw a group of kids standing there laughing. LAUGHING AT ME. I looked down to see what they threw, and it was an apple. A full apple. Not only were they trying to kill me, but these fucks wasted food. So I did what anyone would do, I turned around and biked after them.

I pointed at the THIRD apple that they threw at me that was lodged in my spokes and demanded one of the twats pick it out. They were all, "Why you getting so angry?" and I was all, "Cause you tried to kill me you fuck faces! Do you know how fast I was going?"

Granted, they could have killed me (again) as I was like a foot shorter than the shortest kid (they were about 15), but they were kind enough to only keep their attempts are murdering me restricted to throwing Golden Deliciouses my way.

I followed one of the kids for like 2 minutes (I was angry yo) yelling at him to take out the apple. Lucky for him it fell out on its own accord. I then waved down a cop car and everyone took off.

This one bitch had the audacity to approach me that I was yelling at the wrong kid and they were just "being immature". Well, fuck you too lady. I don't care who threw it. They were all in a group and no one stopped whoever threw it and in my mind that makes them all partly guilty.

I then wished I still had the apple to throw at her head.

What I did this weekend

2008-05-26T21:51:00.004-04:00

It started out simple enough. I left my apartment somewhere between the Lower East Side and the Financial District. There was a limo waiting for me as I left, and it was gorgeous. A late model Cadillac kind of limo. I then kindly asked the driver to leave his vehicle so I could take it for a spin.

I might not be the best driver, and as a result I crashed into a few street lights on my little joy ride. I also may have hit a few pedestrians as well, but there was little blood so I assumed everything was ok. I continued on my drive down to the South Street Seaport. I finally reached my destination, and got out of my limo. I may or may not have heard sirens in the distance, but all that didn't matter now.

I was going to steal a helicopter.

I walked on the helipad and ripped the pilot out of the driver's seat. He was sitting there waiting for someone. Maybe a high profile passenger like Donald Trump or Jay Leno, or maybe he was waiting for me. That all didn't matter now. I got in the pilot's seat and took off towards JFK.

I landed near taxing 747's and left my helicopter on the runway. I tried to steal a 747 by trying to cling to the wheel well, but the plane was too big. The sirens got louder, and I broke out into a run searching for a vehicle so I could make my escape. I found a luggage transport vehicle to drive, but the beast of a truck proved not worthy of a getaway car. Eventually I was shot along a grassy knoll near the Van Wyck.

I woke up again in my apartment. Was it all a bad dream? Maybe. I had a new mission though. My true mission.

I needed some poon.

I stole a nice bus this time. It proved to be very useful in driving over cement dividers and running stop lights. Finally I took a corner too hard and rolled the bus. There was a young gentleman in a convertible that tried to talk shit to me as I emereged unscathed from my metal box of death. I mean, he didn't even ask if I was ok. So I shot him. Point blank. I guess I must have hit his gas tank too cause the asshole caught on fire along with his car. That fucking showed him for talking smack to me.

Again, sirens.

I picked up the pace to my desired destination. Nothing was going to get in my way! Not even men on fire. Finally, I made it. I opened the door to air conditioning and the sweet smell of dirty pussy. I was home. I was in the strip club.

After being ushered to the back for a private lap dance (that's how I roll, yo), a nice young lady with brown hair and a hot pink thong began to dance. It wasn't enough though. I wanted more. So they brought out a blonde with a yellow thong and both of them girated on and around my erect penis. It was glorious.

After they were done, one of the ho's was all, "You're the greatest...blah blah blah" so I fucking clocked her. Right in the jaw. Bitch started to yell and was all, "why'd you hit me, asshole?" so I shot her. Doesn't she know who I am? This did not please the bouncers too much, and after a shootout in the main room, I died. But oh what a way to go.