Step Away From The Barbies

And we all fall down

2009-08-02T22:16:00.002-04:00

The long story short, asshat spent the day drinking yesterday, things spun out of control in the evening, I had to call 9-1-1, and they ended up having to then make his mom leave.

Now, I'll fill some of it in.

He's been weird all week. He had taken this past week off for vacation and I didn't plan to. But then we talked and planned to do some inside stuff, so I took it off. He was gone most of the week doing things elsewhere. For one, he hasn't taken ANY of his medications for over 2 weeks. And he's just done weird, out of character stuff. So yeah, the drug suspicion pops right back up.

Yesterday, he told me some weird random story about the guy out back. Soon after they left because the guy wanted him to take him to get beer. It sounds completely like nothing, but the details of how it all went down was odd. So they were going and coming right back. My first thought was he had NO business whatsoever driving. But when an hour passed I began to get suspicious. When he finally resurfaced I let him have it and he told me I was crazy.

He came in and things escalated. I told him if we meant anything at all to him that he would start going back to his therapist and thinking about going back to his NA meetings. Of course that set him off. And he was all let's go right now and I will take a drug test.

It went back and forth. Him bringing up my debt and trying to say I have ruined his credit. Me pointing out that my debt on the corner of the washing machine couldn't potentially have KILLED our child like cocaine would. Then pointing out that in 11 years the only joint thing we have had was my vehicle. And how the fact that he cannot manage the money in the bank account and he overdraws it all the time, oh and how we got way behind on house payments in 2007 when he WAS IN REHAB, probably has a LOT to do with it. And the fact that even still, he will know things are coming out of the bank and continue to spend money hand over fist.

And it went and went. But the clencher was him being all proud of himself, like he had some smoking gun, and telling me that his cousin (yeah, you know the one? The one who hit on me at Christmas? Who is a raging alcoholic? That one.) told him, that I had confessed to him when we visited Louisiana last summer that I ruined his credit on purpose to get him back for what he put me through with the drug abuse.

I was dumbfounded. The only discussion we EVER had to do with credit or anything financial was me telling his cousin how we struggled during that time. And I told him that. And the fact that he believed that mother fucker, after what he did, was astounding. And that's when I lost it. And when he realized how upset I was he started to backpedal and be all "I didn't say I believed him." And I had this little bag that has my crochet in it and wailed it at his leg. He claims the scissors came out and cut his leg. I think I took off a scab. And I stood up and I don't know what happened or what was said, but the next thing I know, he has that awful, crazy look about him and he comes at me. The only thing I remember is seeing his face, his hands coming at me and fearing for my life. Then looking over as our 6 year old sat watching in horror. And the thing is, all he ever had to do was ask me about that.

He shoved me across the couch. And I was frightened enough to pick the phone up and dial 9-1-1. And I will say, thank god he wasn't beating me half to death because it took almost 15 minutes for them to get here. And before they got here he had called his mom and dad twice telling them to come pick him up.

I told the deputies what happened. They came in and talked to him. They tried to talk me into filing charges but I wouldn't. I told them I threw that at him so he would have every right to file charges back. At the time my chest was splotchy and red. That's what it does when I am stressed or nervous. And they kept questioning me about it. I tried to explain that to them but I know well what they were thinking. My office deals with domestic violence victims every day.

Then his mom shows up and he walks out with the deputies. I saw his mom talking to him and him telling her no. Then she storms up, in her pure white trash form and shouts, "I DEMAND to know what the hell is going on." I just told her that she didn't need to be in the middle of it and to leave. She pulled the "grandmother of the year" card and said, "Well, it does involve me when you do this in front of her." I just kept asking her to leave and telling her to please stay out of it.

She asks what happened and I tell her, you know what I've been through. And she laughs this smart ass laugh that made me want to strangle her and said, "The drugs again? I guess you are going to say you think he's using again?" I said, "He LIED to both of us about it for years. So yeah, I do tend to get suspicious." And she does the laugh again and said, "I guess you are going to tell me now it's because he drinks beer?" She was completely putting on a show for the deputies. I just told her again to leave.

She then goes, "I guess you let them in THAT house." I said, "yeah." She said, "So they went in and saw the MESS." I said, 'Damn right they did." She said, "Good, I'm glad. Because you just totally SCREWED yourself." And she looks at them and says, "My SON does not live like THAT. My SON does not live in a MESS. My son was not RAISED like THAT. My SON was raised in a house that was immaculate." And my reply was, "I'm sorry I'm not as perfect as you. And you know what, your son could get up OFF HIS LAZY ASS once in a while and help out."

And she said, "I don't think so. He gets up early in the morning and works long hours." I rolled my eyes and said, "He works MAYBE 10 hours a day. Start to finish." And she started to say something else and I threw up my hand and said, "You need to leave. You need to stay out of this." And she started in on the no, I'm not and then one of the deputies said, "Ma'am, she has asked you several times to leave and I think that is a good idea."

I am dumbfounded, sad, terrified. And my breaking point was something that could have been handled with a single question MONTHS ago. Which was him asking me about what his cousin had said. Which just goes to show that is how he is. A million times, I have told him to talk to me about things, and yeah I might get hurt or upset, but asking a simple question is better than letting it build up.

As far as the house, I'd be the first to tell you I'm not housekeeper of the year, but I do what I can. The only help I get is him taking out the trash and cooking once in a while. The rest is up to me. Cooking, cleaning, making sure Barbie Jr. is clean, has clothes that fit, has what she needs for school, gets to whatever practice she needs to be at. Doing what I can with the bills when he spends 140 dollars a week on fast food alone. Not to mention beer and snuff. But to try and say my child is neglected? Let's talk about the fact that he has been leaving her in the truck alone while he goes in and picks up a few groceries? Or all the times I've come home to him sleeping and my screaming and shaking his chair wouldn't wake him? Or the time he left 4 lines of cocaine on the corner of our washer while our child was roaming the house.

I discovered he drained the account. I wasn't surprised. His visit to the ATM to take that money caused the charges from things HE had spent money on to now overdraft the account.

I'm devastated it came to this. I think if he were man enough to stand up to his mother and tell her it was between us, we could agree on most everything. But that will never happen. She's the reason he is the way he is. She's been a big part of the problem for a long time. She's very, very ignorant but thinks she is smart.

I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm hurt. And horrified that I let it get this bad. It's my own fault and I should have put a stop to it 2 years ago.

Life is simple, its just not easy. - Author Unknown

2009-07-26T23:44:00.002-04:00

Dad ended up having quadruple bypass. The doctor told us before the surgery he wasn't certain he could do all 3 bypasses due to the size of the arteries. So imagine our shock when he revealed he did 4. 4 "severe" blockages he told us. He later said he was dumbfounded that dad hadn't had a massive heart attack due to the severity.

The hardest part for me, the bawlbag, was seeing dad after the surgery with tubes coming from everywhere and breathing with a ventilator. I walked in and took one look at my dad, the one I look to for protection, for strength, and he was laying there, still sedated, and I walked out of the room and burst into tears. I had been warned by many people, and I had pumped myself up to be strong. But I fell apart. I managed to regain my composure and walk back in, but unable to speak. Had I said even a simple word, I would have fallen back to pieces.

He did very well. He had surgery on Thursday and was home the following Tuesday. He's had very little pain. The only problem he has had is a low blood count which still may end up requiring a blood transfusion. And of course, he's still weak.

And now that the hardest part has passed, I can breathe again. And realize how lucky I am to still have my dad with me.

Where to start?

2009-07-12T00:33:00.003-04:00

For one, like the complete idiot I am, I still sit here, in the same house as asshat knowing damn well the number one thing I need to do is leave. LEAVE. And it's not even me staying for sake of Barbie, Jr. It's me staying because I'm too fucking chicken to leave. After all his bullshit, I'm too scared to say, "I'm not happy. I want out."

I can't say that I don't love him, because I do. But as cliche as it is, I am not *in* love with him. How high school is that? I get annoyed when he touches me. On the rare occasions he hugs me, I force myself to hug him and want it over with. But oddly, we can have fun together. He's more like a buddy to me.

In addition to asshats and assholes (aka the mean people) I have to deal with the latest family issues. My dad has to have open heart surgery on the 16th. It's been a whirlwind of bad news. We went to Kings Island the weekend of June 19th and to my niece's basketball games. They returned (after being told by his doctor his stress test was okay) on Sunday to a message that he had an appointment with a cardiologist on Monday. They called to make sure it wasn't incorrect and they were told his stress test was abnormal.

He went to the cardiologist on Monday the 22nd, had a heart cath the 29th and they found 3 blockages. He met with the surgeon last Tuesday and has surgery this week. It's been a lot of information packed into a couple of weeks.

He is scared, I am scared, we all are scared. The thought of losing my dad terrifies me. Then I feel selfish because I think of how many friends who have lost a parent (or both) at young ages and would give anything to have had their parents around this long. But I can't help but be scared. A girl needs her daddy.

Of course it's all re-motivated me to start watching my diet and exercise again. I'll be 34 years old in 2 months, both parents are diabetic, my mom has high blood pressure and my dad now has heart disease.

And it makes me realize that life is too precious to be miserable. It's too precious to live a lie. And what am I teaching my kid? That it's okay to live with an asshole and eat like shit and be overweight?

So that's that. You are now up to speed on the life of Barbie Girl. It's funny, I don't ever recall Barbie having a bad day. Maybe that's an idea for a new line.

"Disgruntled Wife Barbie" she would wear a shirt that says "I'm with asshat" and come with a weapon
"Asshat Ken" -he would come with a recliner and eyes that shut and a button you push to make him snore.
"open heart Barbie" -complete with tools to do open heart surgery on Barbie
"Xanax Barbie" - Do I really need to explain?
"Mean People Suck Barbie" - The box would read, "Quit hiding my fucking paycheck and saying mean hurtful things to me."

Mean People Suck

2009-07-06T10:27:00.000-04:00

You know, after being with asshat so long nothing should surprise me anymore. But sometimes something happens and I think, god, you are just MEAN. And not even him, other people. And mean people suck.

I don't like being the butt of the joke.

It's funny....

2009-05-19T10:32:00.002-04:00

It's funny to me that after being with someone for 15 years they can't seem to even manage to help Barbie, Jr. buy me something for Mother's Day because "he wouldn't know what to get for me" but a friend I've have for 8 months went out of town, saw a bracelet and *knew* I would love it and bought it for me.

I like pain?

2009-05-15T00:48:00.002-04:00

Oddly enough, it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I thought the pain would be unbearable. I thought I would have to take breaks. But, it didn't really. 20 minutes in the chair and I was out the door.

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T22:31:00.002-04:00

I have had the most fabulous Mother's Day.

First of all, Barbie Jr.'s kindergarten class was chosen to do the Mother's Day messages that have been playing on The Dawg this weekend. I nominated them the second I heard about the contest. They won on my nomination.

So on Friday I come home to flowers the girl had picked from my garden in a cup of water, a card, a picture and a book she had made at school. And yes, I cried. Less than an hour later I got to hear my darling girl say, "This is Barbie Jr. Happy Mother's Day Mommy, I love you!" And yes, I cried again.

It's been a day I'll remember always.

2009-05-05T20:31:00.002-04:00

I believe that everything happens for a reason.
People change so that you can learn to let go.
Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they go right.
You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together. -Marilyn Monroe

Thank you Carrie Bradshaw.

2009-03-16T15:45:00.002-04:00

My favorite line of all times from television would be this line from Carrie Bradshaw on the final episode of Sex and the City.

I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.

It's silly to base your lifelong hope of true love on one phrase from one show. But it sums up how I feel. Because I do believe that sort of love is out there. Unfortunately, I haven't found it.

I married poorly. I married too young. I married for the wrong reasons. Don't get me wrong, I married asshat because I loved him. And I still do. I always will. I think he's my first love. But we were all wrong from the start. I let this madness get to here. And I'll be better off once I leave. And I will never give up on that "ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other-love."

I feel I should share....

2009-03-15T23:29:00.002-04:00

I've bitched enough about Jimmy on here I feel I should at least share this news. Asshat spoke to me long enough today to let me know that Jimmy's wife, who is around the age of 38, had a stroke last night and is in the hospital.

She is a sweet, good, nice person. Truly and honestly would give you the shirt off her own back. And I'm very sad about the news. I even said to asshat, "You and Jimmy are both poster children of how to NOT live your life and it happens to her." And he agreed.

So please send vibes and/or prayers her way. The optimist in me would like to think this has happened to make him realize he needs to straighten up and pay more attention to his wife. Or maybe she will realize life is too short to stay married to asshats.

You're Not Sorry

2009-03-14T23:36:00.003-04:00

I love me some Taylor Swift.

You don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I won’t believe you baby like I did before
You’re not sorry no more, no more

I haven't backed down. And I won't. He won't leave and had the audacity to call my brother-in-law and try to reel him in by telling him I was "on his ass over JUST $60" and that I expected him to "leave HIS house" and "that ain't going to happen". Of course I know where the last statements are coming from. His father. He's the crazy mothereffer that would burn a house down before his wife got it in a divorce. And the most hysterical part? My brother-in-law didn't take the bait and put him in his place.

I've been looking for somewhere to go that I can afford. And sadly, the places I can afford are in places that are well known drug areas and places I wouldn't raise a pet in, let alone a child. I've been half tempted to put his ass in the car and show him one of these places and tell him, this is where I am going to end up with your child if you force me to take our daughter and leave.

The plans were to discuss our next step this evening. We had planned to go to dinner. I know him well enough to know he won't create a scene in public.

My sis kept Barbie, Jr. for that reason tonight. And of course, did I ever really expect we would follow through? Hell no, I knew he would sleep. I did attempt to wake him up 3 different times and then called it quits and left. OF course when I returned home a while later he was gone and I crawled in the bed. I mean really, for someone to be so in love with the bed, there has to be something I am missing. I still can't figure it out. But he came home and got angry that I was going to bed so early and it was only 9pm.

The only explanation I have gotten this week about last weekends words from him were he was "angry" or "hot inside" and I've told him that is no excuse for the mean, horrible words he said to me. And that no amount of apologizing or ass kissing will ever take them back or make me forgive him that I am tired of being expected to forgive and forget. Of course I got the ol' high pitched, I'm only saying this because I am expected to, "I'm sorry". You know the one. The one where the sorry goes up in pitch at the end? I laughed in his face and told him he needed to work a little harder being convincing.

Things are no longer on his terms as they were in the past. He needs to realize the grip I have on his family jewels right now and the next step is to start twisting. And I will. I'm not going to dicker with him over silverware and knick-knacks but I am going to make damn certain my child is safe.

Mother.......................

2009-03-08T01:58:00.002-05:00

I came here to blog about something entirely different, realized we spring forward tonight and just shouted "shit-motherfucker". It would have to happen tonight, of all times.

Today was a beautiful day. I dragged the family out, even the dog, and we drove over to the floodwall in Westmoreland and walked. It was a wonderful afternoon. The evening? Not so beautiful.

This would be the evening I told asshat he needs to leave. I don't want him here anymore. That I can take no more of his bullshit. It all stemmed from his "eh-whatever" attitude when I realized he had blown around 80 dollars in less than 2 days. After we had an argument earlier in the week over the fact that he kept telling me he was going to put money in the bank to replace money he had spent on tires and a deer head, but when I would ask him about it he would get pissy and hateful. I was cleaning on Thursday and I found the very bare envelope of money that had once allegedly held over $200. And when questioned that day was very eh about it.

So we go to pick up Taco Bell and he doesn't even have the $7.00 to cover the food. I come unglued. I get the eye roll and it was on. His explanation for having no money? He spends about $20 a day on pop and food. I laughed at him. He's all, well, when I go to Subway it costs me $7.00. My response is? IF you spend that much freaking money on food every day then it would be cheaper to invest in a lunchbox/small cooler to carry food in. He ignores this suggestion because we all know, he's a big fat FREAKING LIAR!

He expects it to end. I refuse. I will not and can not deal with this any longer. He blows $200 in less than a week and expects to get by with "I spent it on food?" Fuck that. I've seen the bank account, I know he's been using his debit card too. He adamantly denies it and since I don't have a debit card it's pretty obvious he's lying or else he is just so used to using it he doesn't realize what he's spending. The same reason I no longer have a debit card. Then he starts in about how he puts x amount of dollars in the bank every month and we still struggle to get by. This makes me laugh since I have tried and tried to get him to do the bills with me. And not to mention the number of times a week he USES HIS DEBIT CARD. I then point out that several times in the past 3 months when I have specifically told him to NOT use the card because some large bill was due, house payment, car ins., etc. that he has done it anyway causing overdrafts on the checking account.

Get this... he said to me... "Am I not allowed to forget that you told me that?" I literally busted out laughing because it was so ridiculous. I said, "NO. Not when you KNOW some of those bills are due the SAME time every month. And I tell you SPECIFICALLY. You don't forget, you just don't give a shit, yet want the right to shout at ME when it happens."

Of course no argument would be complete without him bringing up the credit card debt I had to which I replied, "I can damn well guarantee you've snorted way more than my debt right up your nose." And this brought on the "You are never going to let my drug addiction behind us are you?" HELLO? Does anyone else see the white elephant in the room? You never completed the steps, you went to meetings for maybe 6 months and your therapist fired you. Um, no buddy, the first line you snorted up your nose brought your addiction into our lives and it is something that will never be behind us. Since the day I busted him, he has always wanted things to go on as they did before and pretend like it never happened. He can't understand that even though he continues to lie and manipulate me, that I don't trust him and that I am being unreasonable and just need to let the drug addiction go. It's a lifelong illness. Just like asthma, diabetes. It will always be a part of our lives.

I finally tell him I'm all done. I can take no more. I'm worn down and exhausted and nothing changes. We had a talk a while back about how he wanted to make things work between us, yet change nothing about himself. To continue to lie to me about random, nonsensical things and expect me to sit there and say nothing. But when I speak up I'm on his ass or a bitch. And I told him, you want me to make the effort while you change nothing and I can't do that.

His reply was fine, do what you need to do. And I tell him, I will not leave this house. It wouldn't be fair to Barbie Jr. for me to uproot her from the only home she's ever known. He said I can leave. And I told him, that's what I am telling you. I want you to leave. And he is like I will, I will leave, blah, blah. And I looked at him and said, you don't get it do you? I am serious. I want you to leave.

Somehow the conversation turned to him spending time with Barbie, Jr. and I scoffed. "I left to go to work Thursday and then went shopping and was gone MAYBE 2 hours and you went to sleep. And she was SICK. Which is the whole reason I didn't go to dinner with my co-workers on Tuesday or go to my niece's game. Because I can't trust you for two hours to stay awake. I called you TEN times between the cell phone and the house phone before you even answered." This was the best one yet.... "I was coming down with a cold" he said. I said, "My god, do you know how many colds I have had and have taken care of our child? I have taken care of her with a horrible case of the stomach virus when she was a week old and I had just had a c-section. So don't tell me you can't stay awake because you were coming down with a cold. What's your excuse the other ten bazillion times?"

This set him off on a tangent about how he works 18 hours a day (he works 10 at the most from leaving the house until he gets home). And I looked at him and said, "I can count 10 people right now who work the same amount of hours or more than you do and they properly care for their child. Millions of people do the job that you do and manage." And he went off screaming and taco hell was flying out of his mouth and it was gross. And the only sentence I grasped from it all, and it was the worst thing he could say. The one thing he could say that he can never undo. And the straw that broke the camel's back. "I am sorry. I don't work an 8-4 job like you do where all I do is worry about where I'm having lunch at you fucking fat ass." And I ceased to hear any more. I was all done.

I simply said, I want you out. I want you to leave. He looked at me with the craziest look in his eyes. Not a look that made me fearful but crazy. And he laughed at me. And laughed. And I said, "I want you to leave. get your shit and leave." And he flipped the foot up on the recliner and blatantly ignored me by turning up the tv.

And it was right then and there that I knew, that what has been in my heart for a long time, the decision I have avoided for 2 years, was the right one. To throw in the towel on this toxic marriage.

A-B-C

2009-03-02T19:44:00.002-05:00

The a-b-c emotions of a Barbie Girl:

A-apprehensive
B-bored
C-confused
D-determined
E-empathetic
F-flirty
G-girly
H-hurt
I-insecure
J-jealous
K-kind
L-lonely
M-morose
N-needy
O-overwhelmed
P-powerless
Q-quiet
R-restless
S-stretched
T-tested
U-used
V-vicious
W-worried
X-XXXX
Y-yearning
Z-zoned

I DON'T CARE

2009-02-12T00:31:00.002-05:00

I'm cranky or something. Maybe I'm getting old. But damnit, there are a few things I just need to piss and moan about.

Jessica Simpson's weight. I am so mothereffing sick of her and oooh, she gained five pounds. Who really gives a rats ass? Good for her!
Toby Keith and his altercation in Kentucky. OOh yeah, you're a bad ass, you proved it... NEXT. Besides, didn't Tim McGraw play hero a few months back?
Power outages. I do care about them, but I am sick and tired of people being without power. Damnit, it's 2009, find a better way to do things.
Fucked up weather. Yes, I dropped THE f-bomb. I am sick and tired of ice and snow and sleet and rain and wind and cold and shitty weather. I am ready for April, or May.
Obama bashing. Let it go. He got elected. Deal with it.
How exciting last season of Criminal Intent was. I know it was freaking exciting but bring on the new episodes okay? I am in serious need of a D'Onofrio fix. So it is true that I can see him many times on re-runs but I need to see the updated version.
Companies wanting little girls' asses to hang out of their pants. Okay, my child is long waisted and has a bubble butt. Basically, when it comes to jeans and pants of any sort she's screwed. Her ass crack hangs out a mile. So we end up buying too big tops to overcompensate and cover up her butt crack. It's just not fair. Not everyone digs the "low rise" look. And Limited Too/Justice can bite my ass. My child is 6, not 16.
Myspace. Okay, Tom, I'm bored. Facebook has become way more fun for me, and I'm one of the old school myspacers. I've been on myspace since before myspace was cool and popular. Do something. We need change.
This whole my lungs don't want to work right ordeal. I am sick of huffing around and wheezing all because of a chest cold. And that stupid lymph node behind my ear just needs to go away. So if anyone has a spare pair of lungs lying around, feel free to send them my way.
Duke lost. They were definitely outplayed. UNC was on their game. But it doesn't mean I'm happy.

I'm taking my football, err um, basketball and going to bed. I might just cry.

When I cry.

2009-02-11T00:27:00.002-05:00

Ask my family and they would probably tell you I cry over everything. That is completely untrue. I might tear up over something, but I don't really cry.

There are 2 times that when I cry, you better watch out. If I get angry enough to cry, you probably should run the other way. If I am sick enough that I cry, then you probably just want to leave me alone. The last time I remember being so sick I cried was probably 11 years ago this month when I had the chicken pox.

This has been one of those weeks. I woke up Saturday morning and when I turned my head to the right it hurt like hell. I reached up and behind my ear was this enormous lymph node and it hurt. Who knew there was even a lymph node there? I managed to get through the day, help chaperone 8 teenage girls at my niece's slumber party, and take them all to dinner and a movie.

I was able to be in bed by 1:30 a.m. the night of the party. I slept in the next morning but I felt like hell. I finally left my sisters house and went home in search of my nebulizer. My chest had become congested making it horrible to even try to breathe.

Monday morning I woke up sluggish. I was extremely grouchy. Barbie Jr wouldn't get up and I proceeded to shout. I took her to school and she looked so sad but I think she was actually half asleep. I cried as I left the parking lot. I called asshat who was basically an asshat. I cried when I hung up with him. I proceeded to grumble and snap at people at the office most of the morning while struggling to breathe. I finally informed them I was better off at home. Which is where I went.

I feel a bit better but my chest is still congested and breathing is still a bit difficult. I slept most of today, even with taking several breathing treatments which normally make me hyper. I've developed the itchies. I don't know if it is a reaction to something I am taking, something that goes along with what I have or completely unrelated. But I will start itching all over and digging at my skin. Benadryl seems to help but then knocks me out.

Hopefully it will go away. The crying has. And speaking of Benadryl, I'm headed to bed. I'm getting very sleeeeeepy.

No really. I still want to lick your face!

2009-02-06T00:23:00.003-05:00

I've become a Facebook addict.

I've been on myspace since before it was cool. I'm talking probably 6 years. But now, I am all about facebook. There are different circles of people I keep in touch with on each.

Lately, I've come across many old high school folks. And it's been fun catching up with them. Even though I hated high school with a passion, I still liked most of the people there.

A few weeks back, I was talking about a guy I had a huge crush on in high school who I came across on facebook. Okay, so I had about a thousand crushes at one time, but I so wanted him to ask me out. He never did, until after we both had graduated.

I don't even recall what we did on the date or two we had. Yeah, it was that bad. And I was devastated. Even more so when he kissed me goodnight. I wanted to shout, "I waited all this time for THAT? Gross." I was all done.

But there was one, one I never went out with. The one I have had a crush on since I was 13 and he was 17. And he liked me too!

He worked with my mom and she would always forbid him from dating me. In the midst of this we realized he and I had a mutual friend. By the time I was allowed to date he had a girlfriend. Ironically, I ended up dating the mutual friend and we would go on to date off and on throughout high school. Oh and did I mention that the mutual friend went between dating me and the crushes sister?

Anytime I was around the crush I was reduced to giggles and stammers. He was your typical, tall, dark and handsome guy. He had these huge dimples, incredible smile and this laugh. And he made me melt.

It never seemed to work out. When I was single, he wasn't and vice versa. But there was never an absence of flirting.

After high school, and I started dating asshat, my best friend began dating the guy I had dated off and on through high school. She knew of the crush and even though I was with asshat, she was hell bent on getting us together.

He would often come in the store with her boyfriend and I would manage to force words out of my mouth. To this day, I suspect they were about as profound as "Baby" from the movie "Dirty Dancing" proclaiming "I carried a watermelon."

Asshat and I weren't getting along AT ALL. It was before Valentine's Day in 1997 and the crush appears at the store. I remember every detail of that day. They were calling for snow which meant the store was packed. He stood in my line forever to buy a pack of gum. We made small talk, flirted and he left. It was weird.

I was later told that he had come in to ask me out and chickened out. And at that point in time, had he asked me, I would have said yes. I would have broken up with asshat for that chance. Part of me wishes he had asked and part of me is glad he didn't. What if it had been a big letdown?

It was that Valentine's Day that asshat proposed and I said yes. We married in June of 1998. That October my best friend and my ex-beau got married. And yes, the crush was present. With his fiance. I had only been married 4 months and I was still devastated. I was supposed to marry him!

Several weeks ago I came across his profile on facebook and I squealed out loud. I had just been talking about him to a co-worker. I bit the bullet and added him as a friend.

He has a beautiful family. And he's as gorgeous as ever. And yes, my heart fluttered at the sight of his photo. But I guess it just goes to show, everything happens for a reason. Had he asked me out that day, my life most likely would have taken an entirely different path. And I sometimes think about it and wonder what that path might have been.

And the thing is, I'm not the person I was back them. Obviously I am no longer 110 pounds but I'm a little more ballsy, a little bolder and not as bashful. In my head, if I ran into him tomorrow I would want to lick his face or just grab him and give him a kiss that I've been holding in for 20 years. But the reality is, I'd be that giggly, stammering, backwards 13 year old girl all over again.

Well hmmm.

2009-01-18T15:30:00.002-05:00

So first of all, asshat and I had a babysitter last night and went on a "date". I decided we should go to Texas Roadhouse since we had a gift card from Christmas. I had a few Coronas before leaving so I was feeling all happy.

We talk all the way there. It was nice. Until somehow we got on the subject of his drug addiction. I tell him I was proud of him and how it would be 2 years February 21st. He gets on the subject of his therapist and he finally tells me that part of the reason he didn't like going was that the therapist would want to talk about how many times drug addiction would drive a giant wedge into a marriage and he didn't want to hear that. And I just told him, but you know what, it's the truth. And your addiction HAS put a wedge in this. And so he talks about how he just wants it all "behind us". I remind him yet again, it will never be something that is behind us.

And then I asked the question. The same question I have asked a million times before and knowing the answer I was getting was a lie. So I asked again, you were using a lot longer than you told me? And he tried to change the subject. And the words I now regret saying came out of my mouth,"Just tell me, I won't get mad." And so he claims to not know when it was but it was early in 2006. Sadly, I still don't believe him. Tears streamed down my face as we drove along, sad and angry that even after all this, he had still continued to lie to me.

The date went on and after we left he asked me if I wanted to run by his buddy's house where a card game was going on. "We'll just stop by and say hello." That turned into he wanted to stop at the ATM and get $20. I reluctantly said okay. He hands me the slip and he had gotten $60, even after a discussion of having to pay a few very large bills this week which included the mortgage. I just look at him in disbelief and he tells me he was going to give me some money. Yet he doesn't.

So for the next 3 hours, we sit there in a smoky garage, I watch him blow $60 like it was monopoly money. And he had given me $20 so he had borrowed $20 in chips from someone else. And as we left he told him he'd be by on Wednesday to square up. And this explained so much. How many times has he done that? Borrowed money like that from those guys and I never knew. And he acted as if just basically shredding that money was no big deal and he couldn't understand the fact that I was angry. Not to mention his idea of taking me on a date was to his buddys poker game. He can't claim dinner, that was all me. It was my gift card, and I paid the difference. And he had been invited to play cards earlier in the week and he made a big production of how he was taking his wife on a date.

So today, sober, my thinking is much clearer and less sunny. The revelation that he had been using a lot longer is eating away at my soul. Even after all of this he has lied to me. He continues to lie to me. I think of how we struggled financially in 2006 and 2007 and I get angry at him. And yet he continues to blow through money like it's nothing. And today still cannot believe I am upset over it. YOU TOOK YOUR FUCKING WIFE TO A POKER GAME AS A DATE.

People tried to tell me before that he was probably using a lot longer than he told me. And I fought and argued and told them they were wrong. And I would ask him and ask him and alway get the same answer. But that was the answer I knew in my heart was a lie.

And I think about it. His addiction has driven a wedge between us, but his continuing to lie to me is doing more. It's like an earthquake that is shattering us beyond repair.

Freaking hell it's cold.

2009-01-16T23:21:00.000-05:00

Who turned on the a/c outside? Geesh.

Grounded. At age 33.

2009-01-11T15:36:00.003-05:00

I swear, I wouldn't have been surprised if he had shouted "You're grounded!" Because his attitude was already making me pull out my drivers license to verify my age.

Last week, I went on a tangent. Hell bent on changing my outlook on life and my marriage. Certain that part of the marital issues was the fact that I am quick to be snarky and sarcastic and not focus enough on the nice things he does. But he proved to me yesterday why I have the snarky and sarcastic attitude. And why I refer to him as asshat.

Actually this week has been full of the bad things. Monday Barbie Jr and I come home from dance and he isn't home but his truck is here. I didn't have to call him to get the answer. He was at Jimmy's. And not only was Jimmy there but the guy who he used with was there also. So when I did call him he was trying to kiss my ass. And all I said is, "I don't even have to say anything. But I will say, you better not even DARE act pissy if I go have drinks with my friends on Saturday." And we had already had the conversation that I was planning to go do something and he seemed fine with it. But I knew while things seemed fine, when it got down to it he would act, quite frankly, like a fuckwad.

Another point in the week I made a comment about the weekend and he got all pissy and "How come WE never do anything?" I said, "You and I? Or you, me and Barbie Jr.?" And he goes "US, you and me?" I said, "We DO when we have a sitter and I can get you out of the recliner. We just wet out New Year's Eve. I ask you all the time when Barbie Jr and I go places to go with us. Just last night I invited you to my niece's basketball game and you wouldn't go." And he just watched the TV and seemed to ignore me as usual.

In the meantime he gets invited to play cards. And decided he will take her along. That crew doesn't drink and don't get rowdy so I didn't mind.

Fast forward to Saturday. He is short with me all day. He takes a nap and wakes up and I was getting dressed and goofing around and he finally just rolls his eyes at me and says to stop. I ask him if we need anything from Sam's that my friend and I were going on a trip to Sam's. Take that to her place, go eat and then go back to her house for a few drinks and to watch either some HOUSE or a movie. He ignores me.

I don't let his pissy attitude change anything. I leave and go. A bit later my cell rings and it's my daughter wanting me to come and get her. I feel certain he encouraged her to call me. I talk to her and then to them. I told him I would call him after dinner to let him know what the plans were. And I did. I told him we had gone to the liquor store and were going to have some drinks and watch TV. He said in a forced nice way that they were fine. And I told him, I wasn't sure what time I would get home.

There were 4 of us sitting around talking and drinking and watching TV. I didn't pay much attention to the time and finally left after 1:30 a.m. I pulled into my driveway right around 2. The porch light was off until he slung the front door open and flipped the light on and stood there with his hands on his hips glaring at me. Then stomps to his chair and sits down. I come in and put my stuff down and he is glaring at me. I go and wash my face and as I am putting on my pjs he stomps into the bedroom and shouts, "WHERE IN THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?" And I just look at him and said, "I told you where I was. My ass occupied the same section of the couch for hours." And he walks out. He even went for the guilt trip of "She wanted to stay up until you got home." And I said, "As she has done many times when YOU were out with your friends."

Since then we haven't talked except for him to answer yes and no questions. Or to answer a question I ask with a shitty response. When I went to kiss him this morning as I left for church he wouldn't even kiss me. He sort of leaned his head into me. And I asked him earlier if he would fix steak for dinner and his reply was "no".

So that is where we are now. He huffs and puffs around pouting while I go on about my day frankly enjoying the peace and quiet, yet feeling foolish that I made such a production about how he DOES do good things and I need to focus on those. And feeling foolish that he's pulled this shit for years, on top of the stuff he's done. I'm not keeping tally but, I've always been made to feel like i can't enjoy myself. You know when he goes somewhere with his buddies I would always make a point to say, "Have fun, be careful." And he has never once said that to me. He has never once told me as I left to have fun. All I have ever gotten is a pissy, pouty attitude.

So that's where we are. Him acting like a dick and

But I was joking.

2008-12-21T11:55:00.003-05:00

So there was a confrontation this morning. Well, over the phone anyway. And of course he got the whole "I was just joking" defense. Add to that the "Well, I was going to talk to you about that." Why? Because you realize you crossed the line and pissed me off and now you feel the need to cover your ass? No thanks.

rock/hard place/me = now mad

2008-12-21T01:16:00.002-05:00

So in the past little bit I've gone from being stunned to mad. And mad at asshat. Mad that he didn't react. Mad that he didn't get furious. Mad that he didn't even look at me while I told him what had happened. Mad that he didn't defend my honor. Mad that he didn't really even say anything. And even more mad that in the end he did what he always does, went to sleep.

Shows me something huh?

Rock-Hard Place-Me

2008-12-20T23:28:00.002-05:00

I got propositioned this evening. And not by some random stranger. Had it been a random stranger I could have brushed it off, but it wasn't. It was my husband's drunk cousin. And I am horrified.

To start off with, I'm no prude. Plenty of things have been said to me in my adult life that some people would be horrified by or taken offense to and I laugh it off. But tonight? Tonight I was horrified. I was offended. I was sickened. It was the same cousin that we went and spent almost a week with early in the summer. The one who caused me to end up with all the horrible mosquito bites. I will be honest, I have always felt uncomfortable around him. ALWAYS. Since the first day I met him. It's rare for me to be uncomfortable around anyone. I am the person who can get along with anyone. But there has always been something about him that made me uneasy. skeeved me out maybe? He has made comments to me in the past. About my looks, about how lucky my husband is, about how cool I am.

I always just blamed his behavior on his drinking. Tonight now has me questioning this.

He kept hugging on me all evening. Which he was doing to everyone. So I didn't think anything of it. Then we are sitting in the living room. He was on the couch between me and asshat, his wife and daughter in the floor. And he leans over to me and starts giving me shit about being on "asshats ass". And tells me to be nice. Well, this apparently makes asshat feel awkward so he gets up and leaves. So I sit there defending myself and telling him how I feel (all of it I have said to asshat) and that he is hearing the "poor asshat, she's on my ass" version. That is where it all started. One by one, the other people filtered out of the room leaving the 2 of us on the couch. I was very umcomfortable being in that position but I felt like it would be rude if I just got up and left him alone.

The first comment was said with his daughter in the room. And I was horrified. It was so bad I won't even repeat it. And I know his daughter had to hear. I will just say, it is something that might be said in the heat of passion and be fine, but not said to you by your husband's cousin, who is like his brother.

Much of what he said was graphic. And offensive. And like once or twice he tried to play it off as a joke. I was reading the newspaper and I continued to do so. He was telling me to call him while he was in town and we could "hook up" among other things. Finally he stood up and started to unzip/unbutton his pants and I shrieked and went into the other room.

I know I must have looked horrified because my mother-in-law even looked at me oddly. I participated in conversation as much as I could but I couldn't get what he had just said to me out of my head.

I know my recent "independence" has bothered asshat. He's questioned why I do more with my friends. Keep in mind I really haven't done ANYTHING with my friends in over 2 months but that is beside the point. He pointed out that yesterday when I left I was in a horrible mood and when I came back I was like a different person. And the way he put it was in a suspicious "what is up with that" way. And I pointed out that it was nice to get out of the house since I've been confined to it, taking care of the sick for most of the past 7 days and that I enjoy the company of my co-workers. We have a good time together. But he didn't act convinced.

I know before when I was going to the gym he was always put out with me going and skeptical. He even told me after the fact, and I think after he was going through rehab that he was intimidated by me going to the gym. That he was afraid I was going to find someone else. And if you will remember during that time he did accuse me of having an affair. And he's done that as well in the years past.

So, back to sitting at the in-laws tonight. I am thinking "what if this is a set-up?", or have they decided that since I have been taking time for MYSELF that I must be screwing around?, or is this genuine? Yeah, the paranoia kicked in. Sadly, there is nothing to be paranoid about.

So I debate with myself heavily about telling asshat. But I decided I needed to because quite frankly, I could care less if I ever see his cousin again.

So he comes home (we had driven separately) and I just look at him and blurt out, "Your cousin was way out of control." I proceeded to beat around the bush and finally said, "He propositioned me." He didn't get it and I said, "SEX. Sex is what I am talking about." He flopped down on the bed and finally got me to tell him what he had said to me. He laid there staring at the ceiling and saying he didn't know what to say. I flat out asked him if it was a set-up. He said no and why would I think that. So I went on to explain him accusing me of having an affair before when I simply was having an affair with myself. I like going and doing things by myself. Of course he can't seem to recall the whole gym thing but anyhow, he seemed stunned.

His reaction confused me. And maybe it's the Zoloft. Because before, he would have gotten in the car and gone and beaten his ass. But he just laid there saying, "I'm stunned. I don't know what to say." Part of me wanted him to get up and want to kick his ass and defend my honor. But he didn't. And of course (this is laughable) he said, "I was tired and planned to come home and go to bed but now with this, I can't sleep." Less than 5 minutes later he was snoring.

And I don't know what to say either. All I know is each day, I realize how completely fucked up that family is and regret most days marrying into it. Except for Barbie, Jr. Had I not married into that carnival I wouldn't have gotten her.

I'm confused about it all. Every day I see more reasons to leave and fewer reasons to stay. Yet, here I sit. Typing. Continuing with the confusion.

Have you seen me?

2008-12-18T14:07:00.003-05:00

We seem to be missing 4 body part. 2 tonsils and 2 adenoids. Okay, I don't really know if you have 2 adenoids but I'm sticking with 2.

The surgery went well. She cried off and on all morning before her surgery because she was scared. Our Pastor showed up and had a prayer before surgery and she cried. The anesthesia they gave her made her wake up crying. And it broke my heart.

She was quite popular though. My mother-in-law works in surgery now and so all the people that work with her came in to see Barbie Jr. The one that was her nurse today even brought her a present. They were wonderful to her.

The doctor said her tonsils and adenoids were horrible. They were even infected today. He said they definitely needed to come out and we will be amazed at how much better she feels. He was very nice.

She's amused at her pain medication. They gave us liquid lortab and I gave her some a bit ago and as it started to kick in she was rolling her head and laughing and then said, I feel FUNNY. Now, she's got her head laid on my leg and is very close to dozing off.

And of course a blog post wouldn't be complete without giving asshat honorable mention. Hell, I'm even giving Jimmy honorable mention here.

Jimmy called yesterday to check on her because he thought she had her surgery yesterday morning. As much as I have bitched about him, it was very nice.

Asshat has been in true asshat form. First we had the whole Barbie, Jr., getting sick last week with the intestinal flu and his words upon finding out were "That's all I need is to get that." And I was an unreasonable bitch when I tore his head off over it. But guess what? He did get it.

I told him repeatedly that I planned to leave for the hospital NO LATER than 6:30 this morning. Many times that left my mouth. So the guy who took over his route showed up at around 6:25 this morning and I figured asshat would be close behind. Around 6:35 he pulls up and then piddles. And to beat it all, he went and bought the guy breakfast. That is why he was late. And so I am trying to console Barbie, Jr. and I'm telling him to come on. He continues to talk to the guy until I finally scream WE HAVE TO LEAVE. So he goes in the house to get something.

I was getting madder by the second. By now it is 6:45 and had I not been blocked in by the delivery truck I would have left his ass. He gets in the car and informs me that I need to stop at Speedway to buy him some Copenhagen. I looked at him and said, "We don't have time." And his smart ass responds, "I can't help that." I shouted "Yeah you can. You were the one who was late. I am not stopping to get you Copenhagen. The most important thing to me right now is getting our daughter to the hospital on time."

So he pouted the entire way there. And of course the second they took her to surgery and sent us to the waiting room he left to go buy snuff. Because that is how his priorities are.

So we come home and he does *gasp* take out the trash (because I asked) and goes to the store because Barbie, Jr. wanted me to hold her.

He then gets mad because I was refilling the minutes on my pay as you go phone and it's voice activated. Which means if someone 10 miles away blows their nose it picks it up. He kept shouting "WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?" so I kept holding up my finger like "Hold on." He finally gets mad and storms away. When I finish I go in and say "Sorry, I was refilling my phone and it's voice activated so it kept picking everything up." He ignores me. I said, "Did you hear me?" And I get a flat "yes." He in a few minutes stomps through the house and slams something into the trash can and glares at me as he goes back to the bedroom. The bedroom where he has proceeded to sleep since about 11.

I am going on about 6 hours sleep over the past 2 days. So I don't want to hear about tired. I've been the one stressing over her surgery, getting Christmas finished, getting the house cleaned before people come by to visit Barbie Jr. And he has done nothing to help me. NOTHING. He pissed and moaned over me asking him to take the trash out today.

So between ice cream, popsicles, cold drinks, pain medication and cuddling I have been trying to do laundry, clean the bathroom, do dishes and sweep the living room floor. And I'm bitter. Damn bitter.

But the most important thing in it all is, girlie is okay.

Xanax for $500 Alex.

2008-12-16T22:04:00.002-05:00

The following sentence has been uttered by me at least once in the past 4 days. "Mom, I need $50 and some Xanax." And she laughed.

First off, I still have a wee bit of Christmas shopping to do. Barbie, Jr. came down with the intestinal virus on Friday night and it lasted in one form or another until yesterday. She seemed to feel fine, just couldn't stay out of the bathroom for long.

Asshat came down with it in the wee hours of the morning. School was called off today so I was home taking care of him and cleaning. Then I had to go pre-register Barbie Jr. for her tonsil surgery on Thursday.

Now I know it's a tonsillectomy. Fairly simple, minor surgery. But I'm a freaking wreck! I had to take her to her pre-op appointment yesterday and I nearly passed out at reading the paper they gave me listing the risks involved.

I mean, she's my baby girl, even at 6. She's never had to be put under anesthesia before so I don't know how she will react to that, and to beat it all, she's gonna feel just damn bad.

It's just the unknown that terrifies me. But I know she'll be okay.

What is wrong with me?

2008-12-09T15:27:00.003-05:00

I can't figure it out. What the fuck is wrong with me? What is wrong with me that day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year I put up with asshat's shit?

I'm not perfect. I will be the first to admit that. I can be lazy. I sometimes don't handle money very well. And I have a huge pile of laundry that needs to be done.

Asshat was on vacation last week and while he did deer hunt, was home early enough that he could have helped me around the house. And I have already posted about what happened when I asked him to take the garbage out that Sunday.

In the course of a week these are all the things I do--

Get myself and Barbie Jr. up each morning
Get myself and Barbie Jr. dressed and out the door each morning.
Take Barbie Jr. to school
Figure out what to fix for dinner
Go home and cook dinner
Help Barbie Jr. with her homework
make sure the dog and cat are fed and have water
clean out the cat's litter box
make sure we have clean clothes to wear each day
lay out clothes for each of us to wear the next day
wash the dishes
put the dishes away
sweep the living room floor (daily)
Vacuum any pet hair/kid crumbs off the couch and love seat (almost daily)
look at what money we have and pay the bills
dust the house
bathe Barbie Jr
make sure Barbie Jr goes to bed
Take Barbie Jr. to any practices or appts. she has
put any clean clothes away

Asshat does the following in a week--

goes to work
takes a shower
takes out the trash (when hounded)
picks up Barbie jr from school
Sometimes does dishes or cooks

And I am not kidding when I say this is a fairly accurate accounting of what I do vs. what he does.

I have completely done any and all Christmas shopping that needs to be done. He did nothing in way of helping me put up and decorate the Christmas tree. He sat on his fucking ass and watched me. I even scaled unsafe random things in our outbuilding to get the decorations. Had I not done that I would STILL be waiting to decorate my tree.

I looked at our bank account today and realized he has spent over $250 on random, stupid shit here and there, even after we have repeatedly discussed that this is the week neither of us get paid, he got his vacation check two weeks ago and I get paid every other week. I specifically todl him this, this and this is what will be paid this week and we should have this left over to live on until I get paid the following week. So lay off the account. So he does the complete opposite of that and then cannot understand why I am furious when I realize it. He even tried to blame it on me. Uh no, I'm not the one who had to pay 80 bucks to have a fucking deer cut up. He tried the ol' well we have the same amount of money going in the bank each week, I just don't understand. And so I finally came unglued.

"What's not to understand?" I shouted. "You have spent over TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS on bullshit. Snuff and beer. Having your deer processed. McDonalds, Wendy's, giovannis, ten gazillion trips to Speedway. Charges at Wal-mart. And this was AFTER we had multiple discussions about how we really needed to watch every penny we spend.

And he tried turning the tables again. And I said, "Do you not realize it is Christmas? I have had to buy our child gifts?" And his reply? "Well, I got you $200 out of the credit union to spend on Christmas." How I didn't burst my gut open laughing at him I'll never know. The day before Thanksgiving I dropped over $100 in one store at the mall just buying Barbie, Jr. some clothes that fit her. Since her birthday in August, she has been on a major growth spurt and has outgrown most of her clothes. And she is so long waisted and has a bubble butt so it takes going through pants with a fine tooth comb to find a pair that fit and don't hang off her ass cheeks. And when you find them, they aren't cheap. And of course the child needs shoes too. But yeah, I was supposed to do our entire Christmas shopping for $200.

And to think, last night I was all mushy and feeling the Christmas spirit. I was figuring out in my head what I was going to get him for Christmas. Isn't that a riot?