ItsOverJonny.com

Jonny is Taking the HOV Lane STRAIGHT TO HELL!

2008-09-03T21:00:00.001-05:00

Do you remember in old movies/TV shows where the shrink would do the test where he says a word or phrase and then asks the test subject to say what immediately comes to mind? Well, supposedly this told the shrink a lot about the test subject and about his underlying psyche.

If that is true (and it MUST be, because Jonny saw it on TV), then Jonny is an evil motherfucker and is in the HOV Fast Lane STRAIGHT TO HELL.

Why, you ask? Well, Jonny is following the respective political conventions with a high degree of fascination. One of the things that immediately jumped out at Jonny is that the GOP's V.P. candidate, Sarah Palin, is a TOTAL MOONBEAM. I mean, how much dope must you have smoked in your young life to name your kids...

1) Track (as in "... and Field" or "Grandma beat me with a Hot Wheels ..."?)
2) Piper (any George Lopez fans out there?)
3) Willow (any Six Feet Under fans out there?)
4) Bristol (any LL Cool J fans out there?)
5) Trig ...

Ok, "Trig"? Really?

Step away so the lightning doesn't catch you too...

Maybe there is underlying genius in the Palin family's choice of names. Or maybe Sarah is in the passenger seat on Jonny's Express Shuttle to Hell. Sarah Palin's 5 month-old baby, Trig, suffers from Downs Syndrome (News Flash: That's why you don't have children when you are over 40). Is Jonny the only one that immediately thought that "Trig" was his middle name, and that his first name was actually "You'll Never Do" ?

Gotta go. Hearing lots of thunder.

♥

Atmos Energy - the Beauty of MonopolyAlt: Life is NOT Too Short

2008-09-03T00:35:00.023-05:00

Jonny has become an Energy Geek of late. Mrs. Jonny prefers the term "Energy Nazi", but that's another story. The findings of this glorious journey will be posted in the future. That's not important now. So don't ask. FOCUS please!

What's relevant today is that Jonny has been checking his electric meter periodically to see if his own readings are correct. When the latest natural gas bill arrived from the lovely, talented, and sexy Atmos Energy, it just didn't look right. Doesn't "Atmos" sound like a stripper's name? You know, one of those strippers that thinks she's smart and therefore picks a "smart"-sounding name? Just close your eyes and imagine the deep-voice guy saying "Coming to the Maaaaain Stage - it's ATMOS!".

Anyway, how the FUCK did the Jonny Household use more than double the amount of natural gas usually consumed in summer months during the month of August? La Hacienda de Jonny uses gas only for heat and hot water - everything else is electric. Ummm, yeah, uhhh, so, we're not running the heat much in Texas during the summer, and I'm pretty sure we didn't suddenly use a shit-ton of extra hot water. It's not like a pregnant woman went into labor and we suddenly needed lots of extra hot water. So Jonny decided to train his awesome Meter-Reading Skillz (WAY more valuable and sexy than nun-chuck skillz, bow-hunting skills, or computer-hacking skillz) on the natural gas meter in an effort to determine who was getting kicked in the twat.

SURPRISE!!! That infallible, monolithic, monopolistic, sexy little vixen Atmos seemed to have made a mistake (GASP!). Time for a Cunt-Punt. According to the bill, it had been a week since that little tramp read Jonny's gas meter, yet the current reading on the meter was STILL less than the reading that the dirty bitch claimed on Jonny's bill. I guess her rent was due and she was a little short because of the money she dumped into the slots at Winstar or on a new pair of shoes with clear heels. All good - Jonny thought he would just call that bitch out and get his money back.

"Why bother Jonny? If they read the meter wrong this time and then read it correctly next time, wouldn't you just pay less next month, and it would even itself out?"

WRONG!!! Here's the problem. Gas prices are not constant. Gas Utility Companies like Atmos charge a fixed rate for the DELIVERY of natural gas, and then they tack on a rider charge that adjusts each month to track the market price of natural gas. In other words, at least according to the claims of Atmos, they don't make any more or less money because of the fluctuations in the cost of natural gas - they simply deliver it for a fee and charge Jonny for whatever the extra costs were for them to buy the gas that they provide.

Well, the rider charge for this current bill was the highest it's EVER BEEN IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND!!! The wholesale price of natural gas peaked in July at a little over $13.00 per thousand cubic feet ($/MCF). Since then, it has plunged down to its current cost of around $8.00/MCF. The bright kids in Jonny's class have already caught on. Sit quietly while Jonny explains it for the other dumbasses in the class. You have to put up with the dumbfucks because your parents don't love you enough to send you to private school. Deal with it.

So if they charged Jonny for more gas than I used in August, and then I pay for LESS than I use in September, and the price of gas as reflected in their Rider Charge has fallen dramatically between those two billing cycles (which it did), Jonny ends up paying a higher price for the total gas usage in those two months than he should. Seems simple right? Well, Atmos may be sexy, but she's DUMB as a FUCKING STUMP.

Now, I'm sure that Atmos' customer service representative is a nice lady. She leaves work at 5:00 on the dot every day, yet she makes sure that her husband's Hungry Man Dinner and Pabst Blue Ribbon is on the TV tray when he gets home from the construction site. And before she goes to bed she makes sure his sleeveless Pittsburgh Steelers t-shirt is starched and ready for morning. She probably even styles her kids' spiky-mullet hairdos in her own back yard while they play in the 14" deep plastic swimming pool from the Wal-Mart. But intelligent and insightful she is not.

As Jonny tried to explain his problem to this lovely young, toothless, gravy-and-bacon-lovin' lady, there were uncomfortably-long periods of silence between when Jonny concluded a statement or a question and when the Mississippi Queen responded. If this strumpet seemed a lot more on-the-ball, Jonny might think that she had Jonny on Mute and was calling her co-workers over to nominate Jonny for the "Asshole Caller of the Week" award. But she ain't that smart. Jonny can only imagine that she was sitting in her 6x6 cubicle with her mouth hanging open widely trying to comprehend what this strange man on the line was talking about. It turns out that the bill was "Estimated" - they didn't even TRY to read it. The explanation Jonny got was that the meter-reader-guys were helping the field-guys do maintenance and didn't read the meters this month. Sounds like bullshit to me. If this happened on a large scale, Jonny is gonna cry "Shenanigans! Conspiracy!!!" and then put on his tinfoil hat and write his congressman using only letters snipped from the newspaper.

Jonny shits you not - this Daughter of the Blessed Inbreeding said FOUR times, "We estimate your bill based upon your usage during the same period last year". Thank you, oh sacred offspring of Nell and Forrest Gump - I GOT THAT! It was like when you call technical support and get one of those phone banks in India and some cheerful Hindu named "Reggie" has no clue what you are talking about, so he just repeats random lines from his script, taking care to insert "Please and thank you!" at the end of every statement.

At one point, she had the nerve to tell Jonny - "It's not going to make THAT much of a difference in your bill anyway". BINGO! Thank you for small favors Jesus. "Okay, then if it's not worth worrying about - why don't YOU pay it? Cool? Cool!"

Then when Jonny tried to explain to her than Jonny should not be penalized for the mistake of her company, she quickly retorted that "It wasn't a mistake. We just didn't read your meter." Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry, Jonny should not be penalized because YOU DIDN'T DO YOUR FUCKING JOB!!!

Jonny should call her a CUNT, but she's not smart enough. If she actually understood what the problem was and had the nerve to dispute it, THEN she would be a Cunt. So, I guess what Jonny is saying is that she doesn't merit the compliment of the sweet, sweet "C" word. In other words, you have not yet been promoted to the rank of Cunt.

So finally, Jonny dropped the word that every CSR loves/hates - "escalate", as in "Please escalate me to someone who has a fucking clue what I'm talking about, because you have proven yourself too stupid". She transferred me to another gem of rural culture who finally agreed to let Jonny tell her what his meter reading SHOULD have been, and she adjusted Jonny's bill accordingly. Of course, she dropped the same lines on Jonny initially - "It will work itself out" and "We estimate your bill based upon...".

Now normally, Jonny would have worked his blood pressure up into Old Faithful range, complete with red-hot ears and beet-red extremities, but not this time. Maybe Jonny realized that he was just fucking with them, because in-between seemingly angry statements to the unfortunate women that happened to catch Jonny's call, Jonny was explaining to Mrs. Jonny what he was bitching about and air-humping them a la Teddy KGB. Take it ALL Bitch!! Or maybe Jonny has just reached the point in his insanity that he HOPES that someone fucks him over just so that he has something to bitch about.

Anyway, it looks like it all got worked out, and Jonny got a good laugh from terrorizing two unfortunate women whose only failing was to make the words "help you" into FIVE syllables.

"But Jonny, I'm confused. What did you mean when you titled this post "Life is NOT Too Short"?

Well, in the summertime in the Great State of Texas, a double-fucking on Jonny's gas bill represents an extra 1.9 MCF in gas charges. And the difference in the Rider Charge between August and September is about $3.18 per MCF. So yeah, Jonny spent 20 minutes on the phone today to dispute an overcharge of about six bucks. Jonny is pretty sure that his cell phone minutes for a 20-minute call will cost more than $6.00.

But Jonny doesn't give a fuck. As a great man once told me, "People (who work in customer service) should not get paid to be rude to me". It was a definite matter of principal, and in the end Jonny won by STANDING UP for what is RIGHT. TRUTH, JUSTICE, and the AMERICAN WAY, bitches!!!

Or maybe Jonny truly just loves to fuck with people.

♥ Love you long time, unless you talk to random people on the phone for a living.

Democrat National Convention:Jonny Threw Up in His Mouth.....a LOT

2008-08-27T21:59:00.015-05:00

Just some quick thoughts. Watching the Democrat National Convention. I'm sure Jonny will be just as repulsed when the Grand Old White Guys take center stage from Minneapolis next week. But what a fucking joke. Just an arena full of sheep with their stupid fucking signs and their fucking stupid songs. Wow - what a coincidence!...They all had signs that said "McCain - More of the Same", and then Biden's theme was "That's more of the same!", complete with chanting from the Sheeople like it was the opening scene of Wheel of Fortune. Oh, and if he's going to act like he mistakenly said "George" (Bush) when he meant to say "John" (McCain) and then call it a Freudian slip, he REALLY should work on his delivery so that it's remotely believable. He got so excited about releasing that little gem of prose that he popped too soon like Forrest Gump and totally fucked it up. Gag. Cud from Pei-Wei doesn't taste as good going down the second time. And did they really need to exhume the corpses of Biden's wife and daughter for political gain? Even Jonny thinks that is shameful. Congratulations - you decided not to go to Washington to take your oath of office because your wife and daughter just got killed. How fucking noble of you. Or maybe that fucking train just wasn't running that day.

IF JONNY HAS TO HEAR ANY MORE ABOUT BIDEN TAKING THE FUCKING TRAIN EVERY DAY, I'M GOING TO SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FUCKING HEAD! I'd rather hear some sappy story about how he still takes a giant SHIT every day. Or maybe how he takes one shit in Washington and another shit in Delaware EVERY DAY. I think that accomplishment is more worthy of self-congratulation than taking the train home to Delaware nightly.

One important sidenote, though - Jonny saw irrefutable proof that the Republicans are fucked - before Bill Clinton took the stage (and before that god-awful god-damn Fleetwood Mac song began to torture Jonny), the Dems were cranking out "Eye of the Tiger". GG GOP. See ya in 2012. If Survivor can beat the Russians, the Republicans don't stand a chance.

And while we're on Clinton, is that guy the King of all Jedi Knights or what? I swear that guy can wave his hand and you'll forget all about the droids. And the Sheeople LOVE him. I literally laughed out loud when Clinton started getting pissed because his humble subjects would not stop the ovation so he could speak. He looked like Mr. Clark in "Lean on Me" standing in front of the high school auditorium full of hoodrats trying to bring them to order. "Please stop". "Stop!" "Sit down - we've got business to do!!!" You could see it in Clinton's face - he wanted to twist off like Kanye West, but his years of experience kept him from saying what he WANTED to say - "Shut the FUCK up and sit the FUCK down. Okay, I get it - you fuckin' LOVE me. But they told me I have to introduce the next Shepherd, and then I gotta go - I got P-I-M-P-I-N to do!"

I loved how Clinton took credit for everything positive that happened from 1992-2000. He bragged about how strong the economy was and how great the budget surplus was when he left office. Yep - it's true - it was all because of you, Billy. Starting in about 1950, Clinton skillfully began crafting the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on Corporate America that resulted in TREMENDOUS corporate spending in the last couple of years of the 20th century. As a result of Clinton's genius "Y2K Panic Plan", the economy was BOOMING, and Clinton's life-long plan came to fruition. At the same time decades ago, with the help of his little buddy Albert, he created the Internet and set in motion all of the hysteria that lead to the tech bubble that further boosted the economy and swelled the government's coffers with all of the capital gains tax on stock market returns from phantom companies with phantom profits. Need further evidence of Clinton's expertise? How about that gigantic bucket full of shit he left hanging above the door to the Oval Office, a-la Three Stooges, so that as soon as his successor walked through the door, the tech bubble burst, terrorists attacked NYC, and his successor was covered in shit. Dude, the time before, during, and after your administration were a Perfect Storm for you - just acknowledge that you run good at LIFE. Or maybe I'm wrong, and Chris Moneymaker really WAS the best player at the WSOP in 2003. But enough about Clinton. You can't argue with stupid. But he's still the smoothest motherfucker alive.

Jonny especially loves how each party spends the first six months of the election season stomping on each other's nuts, and then they come to their respective conventions and say "Naaaawww...We were just bullshittin'. We didn't mean all that stuff we said about each other. Contrary to our earlier statements, we're all VERY qualified and we'll all do a GREAT job."

But anyway, seriously folks. Do people really think that a politician is going to change their lives? Do they REALLY think that a government is going to solve their problems? Dude, the government can't efficiently issue you a little card with your picture on it without it turning into a total cluster-fuck. But these people on the convention floor were GENUINELY excited about the prospects of Mr. Obama instrumenting "Change". Good luck with all that. Somehow the campaign platforms of "Change" and "Take Back America" and "Stick Up For The Little Guy" and "Improve Life for American Families" work EVERY fucking time. I guess that's because no one ever accomplishes these promises, so they are still bullet-points the next time an election rolls around. If you want to improve your circumstances or solve your problems, save the energy you are wasting shaking that stupid fucking sign and chanting what they tell you to say and singing "We Are Family", and instead get off your ass and get busy working on your own problems and circumstances!

Jonny hates politics, and Jonny hates politicians. How long before the Machines take over?

To You NASTY MOTHERFUCKERS at the WSOP

2008-08-27T00:11:00.008-05:00

A recent post on BigStack.com / WestonPoker.com reminded Jonny of something he wrote a few years ago on another forum about the sanitation practices of a lot of Jonny's fellow poker players.

Reposting so that this gem is preserved for posterity.

August 1, 2006

Ok guys, two points about you nasty, smelly, unsanitary COCKSUCKERS at the World Series of Poker (WSOP)!!!

1) Ok, guys, I see you EVERY day on EVERY break. We have 15-20 minutes to visit the restroom, yet you nasty motherfuckers REFUSE to wash your hands. I saw what you did there. I SAW you. I have seen you on every single goddamn break since the World Series started. Why? What is it that you have planned that prevents you from washing your hands after you take a piss? What GREAT PLANS does your future hold? Are you working on the cure for cancer on your breaks during poker tournaments? What great innovation would mankind miss out on if you stopped and took a minute to rid your nasty fucking hands of bacteria, spermatozoa, and whatever other infectious entities you are bearing that might make your refusal to wash your nasty fucking hands worthwhile? I have watched you for weeks. You are so scared that you might miss a hand that you scurry from the men's room without even a rinse. Then, when you bust out, or (heaven forbid) you bust me out, you want to shake my hand or high-five me with your dirty, disgusting hands. What the FUCK makes you think I want to touch your FILTHY FUCKING HANDS after you have been diddling your SMELLY FUCKING COCK, wiping your SMELLING FUCKING ASS, or doing other unspeakable things and then failing to wash your nasty hands with a little soap and water? PLEASE take 30 seconds to wash your hands, and I might allow you to shake my hand after you suck out on me, you worthless, dirty, smelly fucking cocksuckers.

2) To you SMELLY fuckers, including our brothers from across the pond. Hey - here's a lesson in Comparitive Cultures that perhaps EuropeanSmellyFuckerPoker.com did not teach you in preparation for your visit to the WSOP. In the U.S., we take SHOWERS, you smelly fucks. In the old U.S. of A. we wash our asses and our clothes, and then we apply deodorant to any areas of our bodies that we deem as potentially smelly. Here's another revelation - the WSOP lasts SIX WEEKS, so bring more than one change of clothes, you dirty, smelly, rotten motherfuckers. If all you brought with you for six weeks was that goddamn PokerStars.com t-shirt or that awful who-gives-a-flying-fuck soccer jersey, then go visit your sponsor, and I'm sure PokerStars will give you another t-shirt or two just so that you DON'T smell like ASS for the rest of the WSOP. If they refuse, come find me. I will personally take you to the gift shop and buy you all of the WSOP gear that you can carry, and I'll throw in a bar of soap so that you can wash your smelly, sweaty ass. If necessary, you can come to my room and consummate the transaction by scrubbing the body odor out of your pores and dirty fucking ass and replacing it with a briefly sweet smell and a new t-shirt, even if it was a new PokerStars.com t-shirt direct from the tool shed. And while you are at it, take that nasty droopy-titty European bitch you brought with you and lock her in the room too. I don't want to see those fried-egg-tits hanging out at the pool with her unshaven, smelly underarms fucking up my environment either, and PLEASE don't let her come visit you at the table, blasting me with a double-barrel load of your nauseating European stench. Lock that bitch in your room and sacrifice her while you at least scrub the crust and salt and smell out of your OWN stinky ass before you come to the tables. You can go back and pound her smelly fucking guts out later when it doesn't affect my world or make me nauseous that you are such a NASTY, SMELLY FUCK with no concern for common hygiene practices or for the common decency to wash your smelly, shit-stained, cum-soaked dirty fucking bodies before bringing them close to me. In summary, don't show up at the tables smelling like you herd goats for a living. The WSOP lasts six weeks - prepare accordingly, you, NASTY, SWEATY, SMELLY, EUROPEAN SANDY FUCKS!!!

Wow, Jonny was a lot angrier back then. Good thing he has found peace and put all of his former caustic rage to rest.

Peace and Love. ♥ Love you long time.

WTF???:Prosecutors wondering how to get obese woman accused of killing nephew to court

2008-08-22T18:49:00.004-05:00

Another gem from Texas news:

EDINBURG, Texas (AP) — Prosecutors are trying to decide how to jail and bring to court a nearly half-ton, bedridden woman accused of killing her 2-year-old nephew.

A grand jury on Thursday indicted Mayra Lizbeth Rosales, 27, on one count of first-degree murder and on one count of injury to a child in the death of Eliseo Gonzalez Jr. She previously had been charged with capital murder.

Rosales weighs nearly 1,000 pounds and cannot fit through a door to leave her home, leaving prosecutors wondering how to bring her to court. As of Thursday evening, she was not in custody.

Hidalgo County Sheriff Lupe Trevino said holding her at the county jail for her trial would be impossible because she needs extensive medical care.

"She would die," said Trevino in Thursday's online edition of The Monitor in McAllen.

The grand jury indicted Rosales after an autopsy confirmed investigators' suspicions that the child died March 18 because he had been struck. Investigators believe the toddler was struck at least twice, crushing his head.

Authorities recommended Rosales' bond be set at $150,000.

The boy's mother Jaime Rosales, was charged earlier with injury to a child because she allegedly left her son alone with his aunt. Her bond has been set at $100.000.

Jonny will finish the story for you...the follow-up story is going to say...

The Hidalgo County Sheriff's Department has decided to allow Rosales to remain in her home pending trial. "We don't consider her a flight risk."

Jonny out. ♥ Love you long time.

Kicked Square-In-The-Nuts: "Winstar World Championship Series"Alt: "Fuck You! Good Customer Service is What I SAY IT IS!!!"

2008-08-18T13:58:00.035-05:00

Jonny made his triumphant return to The Bigtop yesterday, destined to be crowned King of all Temporary Structures. But it was not to be. Jonny was card dead and then played badly late. In hindsight, Jonny wishes he had sold his entry chip and hit the vibrant cash games, but he did not find the feeding frenzy for last-minute entries that many expected, so to his seat he went. No real hands of note, although Jonny was a little surprised by his bust-out hand. Jonny had not played a hand in several orbits - totally card dead. With the blinds at 600-1200 with a 100 ante, Jonny decides to pick up a pot and moves in for T9700 (8x BB, M=3.5) from middle position with Qh-8h. Surely they have been paying attention and will give me credit for a big hand, right? I get a fairly quick call from the SB, who had been playing pretty solid so far. Oops. She's got a big hand. It takes about a third of her stack to call. She shows K-10. WTF? Perhaps Jonny should have announced "I haven't played a hand in several orbits and I'm not really critically short-stacked". Whatever - she made a good call and busted Jonny.

But that is not the point of today's lecture, children. Jonny is more concerned today with the overall customer service disposition that permeates that long-storied Aluminum-and-Vinyl Empire. Surprisingly, Jonny is very mellow today and not in the mood to unleash a vitriolic (wink), profanity-and-insult-laden spew-tyrade-shitstorm-armageddon on those unsuspecting folks at Winstar. Let's face it kids - it would be like taking a tree branch to Simple Jack. They ain't gonna understand why they are taking a beating. But you folks at Winstar Muh-muh-muh-make Jonny want to BLOW HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF!

In the earlier Winstar post, I mentioned something to the effect of "It's not your normal $60 weekday tournament - ACT LIKE IT!". Well, true to form, the initial day of the inaugural "The River" tournament was executed with the same amateurish brio and mentally-challenged (don't wanna offend the retards) flair as any other Winstar tournament. I'm sure there were numerous meetings with Management and Staff leading up to this event. I envision it going something like this...

BIG CHIEF: (no racial pun intended, right?) "Okay Team, Winstar World Casino has endeavored to execute the largest Big Buy-In tournament ever seen outside of the World Series of Poker in Las Vegas. Are we ready?"

MINIONS: (in unison) "Meh. Yeah, sure, I guess. Hey, is this going to take long? I was supposed to go on break five minutes ago."

Seriously, folks. Did ANY preparation go into the "poker" execution of this event? As best Jonny could tell, it was the normal $60/$110 weeknight donkament, just with bright lights and cameras and a fancy deep-voice announcer-guy that was reading from a script that no one bothered to proof-read. It took him the first eight levels to figure out how long the levels were and when the breaks were, even though that information was projected on the Jumbotron the whole time.

"TDA Rules? What's TDA?". That was the response when Jonny asked his dealer what the rule was regarding killing a hand when a player was not at their seat. He explained that the Winstar Rule was that your hand was dead if you were not in your seat when you were dealt your first card. I asked "Then why even bother to deal that player into the hand?". To his credit, he was very polite about it and offered to call the Floor over to verify that this was indeed the case. A Floorman came over and verified that yes, indeed, your hand was dead if you were not there to receive your first card, but that the player is dealt a complete hand regardless. Um, okay. No biggie. Except that less than 10 minutes later at an adjacent table a different floorman made the CORRECT T.D.A. ruling, which is, of course, that players must be "at their seat" when the last card is dealt (which goes to the player on the button).

Yes, folks, Jonny gets it. "Who gives a shit exactly when the hand is dead, and how often does it really matter? Either the player is there or he isn't." But this example is Winstar ignorance and complacency in a microcosm. This is the simplest of all tournament rules, yet they can't get it right, and they can't even get it consistently wrong.

Now call me a stickler for details, but how hard would it have been to have a Dealer/Floorperson meeting, hand everyone a copy of TDA rules, and go through it line-by-line. Ask questions, get answers. Propose scenarios and challenge everyone to rule correctly. "COME ON NOW Jonny - we've got cigarettes that need smokin' and asses than need grabbin'. We don't need no stinkin' rules meeting. It's only a THREE MILLION DOLLAR tournament."

Better yet, let's be visionary....hold that meeting MONTHS ago, since this event has been in the works since February or March Then guess what? You could practice those rules when you hold a tournament almost EVERY FUCKING DAY OF THE WEEK for months. Then your dealers will know the rules, your floorpeople will know the rules, and (SHOCKINGLY!) they might even make consistent rulings and not look like total idiots as they argue over a rule in front of players. Seriously - if you have been doing the same thing every day for several years, shouldn't you AT LEAST be able to do it consistently?

So at one point Jonny went and asked for a copy of the rules. Of course, Jonny didn't want nor need a copy of the rules. He was looking for another reason to bitch (No. Really?), because he felt certain that Winstar could not provide a written copy of the rules, which incidentally were supposed to be attached to the affidavit every player signed agreeing to abide by the rules. Much to Jonny's surprise (and disappointment, because the spew cannon was locked and loaded), they produced a copy. They had to dig through a box, but they came up with a copy of their rules, which was copied from the current T.D.A. rules, verbatim. I guess actually crediting the TDA for the document costs 50 cents to license or something, but it was TDA nonetheless.

Now here come the normal caveats. There are some at Winstar that DO want to improve and work hard to do so. I witnessed a shift-change dealer meeting one time at Winstar - Floorman Manny was conducting the meeting. I stopped to listen-in as I returned from the soda machine, and Manny was posing different scenarios to the dealers and challenging them to come up with the correct answer. One question revolved around a third player's options in a No Limit game when one player had raised and then a subsequent player had raised all-in, but the reraise did not constitute a complete raise. If the third player wants to min-raise, what is the min-raise amount? Fuck, Jonny doesn't know! And Jonny doubts it will ever come up. But I salute Manny for having passion for his job and for asking such questions in order to challenge his dealers to THINK and to understand the rules of poker so thoroughly. Sadly, most of the dealers couldn't even hear Manny's question over the unmistakable roar of a mass circle-jerk involving the majority of the dealers. Remember those opening scenes from Hill Street Blues? Exactly.

And the desire for excellence exists in some of the dealers, of course, as well. I'm not trying to cup his balls or anything, but one dealer that I consider a friend was at my table during yesterday's debacle, and the guy was flawless. Ok, maybe I'm cupping his balls a little because he reads Jonny's bullshit, but whatever - fucker ain't payin' Jonnys bills. But it's obvious that ignorance, complacency, and incorrect rules/procedures are not a matter POLICY at Winstar, because some of these folks do it right. Some of them DON'T cut the deck until they have pulled in the antes and the pot is right. Some of them DON'T immediately count down a stack when a player moves all-in and instead wait for another player to ask for a count. Some of them DON'T recap the action for that dumbfuck that wasn't paying attention, and some of them DO sit there silently when asked "How much is in the pot?" in a No Limit game. Minor details, granted, but again, if you are going to do it, why not do it right? More importantly, some of them DON'T constantly fuck up pots, DON'T constantly fuck up making change, DON'T fuck up the antes and then stare at the pot with that clueless look when they don't know who forgot to ante, DON'T fuck up the deal, DON'T fuck up the tournament, and DON'T fuck up Jonny's life in general.

Jonny has been lucky enough to play in lots and lots of poker tournaments. He has participated in many tournaments directed by guys like Jack McClelland and Jimmy Sommerfield and Jack Effel. Funny - somehow the dealers in those tournaments ALL seem to know the rules inside-out and backward-to-forward. Usually a player question about rules is met by the dealer reciting the rule verbatim and then politely offering to call the floor for a confirmation/ruling. Why? Because those Directors strive for excellence and demand it of their subordinates. Hell, Jimmy is a "traveling" tournament director, yet he manages to whip a tournament crew he has never worked with into fine form in time for the tournaments he visits.

Another parallel - when Bellagio holds their $500 daily tournaments (yes, I know the Dailys are $1k now) - chump change by Bellagio standards - guess what? They follow TDA rules to the letter. They issue penalties for exposed hands. The dealer simply announces "all in" and doesn't make a move toward the stack unless asked to do so. They move players from the big blind to worst position. Why? Because those are the rules, and rather than pretend to follow a standard set of rules and then just make-it-up-as-they-go, they practice their job CORRECTLY, CONSISTENTLY, EVERY DAY. Then, when a $25,000 buy-in tournament comes around, they are a finely-tuned machine. But I bet they still have dealer/floor meetings where grab-ass is discouraged.

Okay, so here's the lead-up to the Cherry on the Pie from Winstar yesterday. A player was moved to my table from a broken table. His seat falls between the button and the small blind, so by TDA rules he has to sit out a hand. The dealer deals him out, and I think, "Cool - this guy knows the rules." The new player sees that he doesn't have a hand, so he doesn't sit down and instead makes a phone call. No worries, right? Except that when it's time for the next hand, there is confusion over where the button goes. The dealer tries to give the new player the button, because all he can remember from some prior circle-jerk is that a new player can "us-us-us-assume any position". Others argue that the button needs to pass the new player, which is the correct rule. The floor is called over and the good times begin. First the Floor asks the dealer why he didn't deal the new player in the last hand. He says "he was milling around and never sat down". The Floor then accuses the player of trying to "dodge his blind" and scolds him. The player responds that he was standing behind his seat, saw that he didn't get a hand, so he made a phone call. So what does the Floor do? Well, rather than figuring out that there isn't any problem and simply moving the button past the new player, he tells the new player that he either has to "post" (like a cash game), or that he has to sit out until the big blind comes back around to him? WTF? That simply makes no sense. Obviously a seat-of-the-pants response by the Floorman, who happens to be the Big Man In Charge of all their tournaments. I guess he figured that if he made a ruling with enough authority in his voice no one would question him. A guy at a neighboring table tried to correct the Floorman, and the Floor basically told the guy the to STFU and that he would let him know when he needed help running a tournament. I've got news for you Fatman, YOU NEED HELP RUNNING A TOURNAMENT!

The best part came a little later. A player from another table hears us discussing how clueless the Floor is, and comes over and says that he was headed to the restroom after the incident and overheard the Floorman telling his colleagues "It doesn't matter WHAT the rule is. What I say GOES!" Nice.

Why not just get the deep-voice guy to make an announcement...(insert Michael Buffer voice here)...

"Attention Players and Dealers! Welcome to the Winstar World Championship Series hosted by the World-Famous Winstar World Casino!. We are excited that you have all paid $2,100 to come play here today. Now you can all GO FUCK YOURSELVES!!! Shuffle up and Deal!"

Get it? The staff at Bellagio is excellent because Jack McClelland is a professional and demands excellence. The attitude is pervasive through the other TD's, the floor staff, and the dealers. The staff at Winstar sucks worse than any other poker staff in this history of Poker AND Suckage because that is the leadership that drives them. Jonny feels very confident that all this place needs is leadership that GIVES A FUCK.

Solution? Actually got one this time. Bring in a professional. I tell people frequently that Winstar could learn a lot from Cherokee in Tulsa. I can't speak for how that room was run before they held their first major tournament, but I suspect it was a lot better than Winstar, because a sincere attitude of good customer service is pervasive up there. I am also confident that they would run excellent tournaments on their own without outside help. But instead, when they started running larger tournaments, they called up Jimmy Sommerfield and brought him in the run the show. Result? Excellence. At all levels. Like I said - Cherokee would probably be excellent without Jimmy's help, because those guys sincerely give a fuck and they work hard to do the right things. It's without question the best poker room in the South. But they understood the importance of having experienced, professional management of their tournaments and acted accordingly.

Winstar is broken. Badly. But they'll continue to get all the action because, well, players have no other option. The businesses in the USSR had people lined up for BLOCKS trying to get their products/services. But that doesn't mean Winstar can't improve. They just don't give a flying fuck.

This post is already way too long, but a few another notes.

1) All of the Mega-Satellites had 30-minute levels and a break every four levels, or two hours. Cool. The "Main Event" has 40-minute levels, but rather than (slightly) modify the structure to give a break every three levels (magically, still every two hours!), they left it at four levels, and players were instead forced to wait 2:40 between breaks, and then the breaks were only 10 minutes. Genius. Heaven forbid that a $2,100 tournament runs past 9:00 p.m. Sorry - I know - "What you say GOES", so I'll be a good little customer and shut the fuck up.

2) $2000 + $100. No food comps. But hey, we've got hot dogs for sale right in the tournament room for $3.00! Yeah, I know, I'm going to shut up and go fuck myself now. I played in a $200+20 or +25 in the past at Winstar, and the hot dogs were FREE!! I guess Big Chief Counting Beans back in the Corporate HQ Teepee realized that they could save like seventeen dollars if they didn't give away food. Does Winstar have one of those programs where employees can suggest innovations, and if the idea is implemented they get a bonus? If so, sign me up, and then I'll propose that if you want to save money, KEEP THE FUCKING POKER ROOM WARMER THAN 47 DEGREES! Seriously. I had dreamed up a bit where I was going to show up at The River in an arctic snow suit, complete with boots, goggles, and a huge faux-furry ring around the hood. But actually executing a bit takes effort - dreaming them up don't cost nuthin.

3) Of course, you realize that no matter what, Winstar wins, right? Last night, they had THIRTY-FOUR cash games running. That's on a Sunday night, which is usually dead. It doesn't matter - they have a monopoly, and they know that IF YOU PITCH IT, THEY WILL COME. I hope I am alive to see the day when the oil runs out, and Texas needs the money, and the Texas Legislature passes a bill authorizing gaming. There will be immediate smoke signals sent out all over the Toothless People's Republic of Oklahoma, and particularly along the borders. "Shape up guys, competition is coming." Oh, sweet, sweet competition. But until then, Winstar will continue to be a second-rate (being generous) casino running third-rate tournaments. At present, their only "competition", which is just across the Crystal Meth Border on the other major highway out of Dallas, doesn't even own a tournament clock! Choctaw uses one of those digital kitchen timers, so I guess Winstar considers themselves as the innovators among the shitty Indian casinos tapping the money tree of Texas poker players.

Jonny out. Babyarm.

The Great Credick Card GameUpdate After Month Two

2008-08-15T18:10:00.004-05:00

So far, Jonny's little experiment is clicking along exactly according to plan. The escrow balance is growing, so the interest accrued on the free money from the credit card companies will continue to increase. The cash-back rewards are also piling up, although there is a significant delay between when the rewards are earned (as purchases post to the accounts) and when the cash is actually received. Realistically it's a 30 to 60-day disconnect depending upon the credit card company and their mechanism for distributing their rewards. For instance, with WaMu, you have to request a check, and they mail it to you two statements (so two months) later. Hence the "Rewards Receivable" outweighs the rewards actually received so far. But several checks/transfers are on the way, and that should pad the surplus nicely.

Stats after two months:

Purchases:	$23,371.91
Payments:	- $1,917.28
Debt Balance:	$21,454.63

Escrow Balance:	$21,594.50
Difference in Debt/Escrow:	+ $139.87

Interest Received:	$64.87
Rewards Received:	$75.00
Interest/Rewards Receivable:	$163.83
Net "Profit":	+ $303.70

The only interesting sidenote this month has been that this experiment has had a pleasant side-effect. Because Jonny is trying to maximize the impact of the experiment, all purchases are being made on credit cards. Each purchase is religiously entered into Quicken (takes only a minute or two each day), so for the first time in years Jonny has a VERY detailed accounting of where the money is spent. With such detailed records, planning a realistic budget and comparing variances between budgeted spending and actual expenditures is a piece of cake. How much Jonny and Mrs. Jonny are spending on some categories is quite shocking. Over time, we'll work toward being more responsible grown-ups and quit spending so much on eating out, fast food, and other questionable expenses.

The results of the project should grow fairly dramatically in the next few months, as large upcoming business expenditures will run the balances up significantly, increasing interest and cash-back. Until then, it will be slow and boring as the free money grows little-by-little.

Kicked Square-In-The-Nuts:"Winstar World Casino" Thursday $550 Freezeout

2008-08-15T03:02:00.010-05:00

Jonny played in Winstar's $500+50 today. 61 players. Same shitty Winstar structure. Dealers were fucking horrible, and between dealers fucking everything up, maddening noise from all directions, and idiot clowndick players, I was tilting beyond belief, even though I hadn't hardly played a hand for a while at the time. Seriously - where do they get these retard dealers that they stick in the tournaments? It's not like it's a $60 nightly tournament - it was $550 - get some dealers that can run a table without making repeated stupid mistakes, and then giving me attitude when I correct them until they finally figured out that they had indeed made a mistake. Your job consists of the most basic of math, making a little change, and distribution of cards. How do you manage to fuck that up?

Plus I was sitting at the table in the back corner, so I got to contend with the noisy ice machine/soda fountain and those same water-headed dealers playing the Superbowl of Grabass in the nearby break room, with the door open, of course. Then I'm also right next to the board where they post the table rotations, so there is constant bickering over who goes on break next and who pushes into where next. In one hand our dealer stopped-down the entire table (in the middle of a hand where there had already been an all-in and a call) to argue with the same dealers and a floorman over when her next break was. We each paid $550 to play this tournament, you ignorant CUNT. At least have the common courtesy to finish the hand you are on before going to war over your next break. Trust me, that game of Grabass has legs - it will still be going when your break finally comes - you're not going to miss it.

I had complimented their dealers to a few people recently because I had seen tons of good dealing in cash games, but I guess they stick the good dealers in the cash games, and especially in the higher limit games, and dump the retards in the tournaments. But for the record, yes, Winstar has some excellent dealers. I just didn't see a single fucking one of them today.

And why is yelling at the top of your lungs considered the defacto standard for professional communication between the folks that work in this poker room? Call me an elitist, but I prefer to enjoy my game of poker without the constant screaming across the room. It's called a walkie-talkie. It's the latest rage - You should check it out. If you can afford to build a gigantic facade out front to hide the fact that the Crown Jewel of your Gaming Empire is a goddamn tent, you can afford a better communication system.

And the players are fucking morons too. Half of them obviously learned how to play poker on the Travel Channel, but they haven't figured out that the cameras aren't rolling on them right at the moment. Vince Van Patten and/or Norman Chad are not going to later do the voice-over on your performance, Assclown. Check, bet, or fold Fuckhole. They act like every single decision is agonizing, and if you bet into them or raise them, they feel obligated to stare you down for at least 15 seconds before they fold. Just fucking fold so we can play the next hand, Cocksucker. And by the way, I can't tell shit from your eyes, so lose the sunglasses, okay? I'm sure the Clowndick factor will be even worse next week when the stakes are much higher.

Anyhow, I got knocked out 13th. My friend Grunkzzz made the final table (congrats!) and got 7th, but he was pissed about how bad the players and dealers were also. I REALLY don't want to play the Main Event this week. Maybe I'll be in a better mood on Sunday.

The only notable hand was late in the tournament - two tables left. It is folded to me in the SB, and I am short-stacked and move in with 9h7s. The BB insta-calls with Ad6c, and she has me covered by just 200. I flop a 9, she's pissed, but the board proceeds to go runner-runner to a Q-high straight (on the board). I say "Sweet! Chop it up!". I didn't notice that there were four hearts on the board, and that I had the only heart. I REALLY didn't notice that the four hearts on the board were 8-10-J-Q, so my 9h made a straight-flush. The table couldn't tell if I was being a dick when I said "chop it up" or if I was really that fucking stupid. Yes, I was tired and tilted and can't read a fucking board.

Anyway, FUCK Winstar, FUCK Winstar's dealers (excluding the good ones), FUCK Winstar's players, FUCK any and all Vinyl Goddamn Casinos, and FUCK and the entire Toothless Republic of Oklahoma. I think that covers most of it.

Jonny out, Bitches!

Slow The Fuck Down orSHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

2008-08-03T00:58:00.015-05:00

Greetings. Jonny has been on the road a lot lately and is just catching up on his thoughts. Today's lesson comes from, well, "the road".

Jonny took a couple of road trips lately to that shitty wasteland just North of the border of the Great State of Texas. The natives call it "Oklahoma", which is an ancient Native American word that roughly translates into "great land of cigarettes, beef jerky, crystal meth, and vinyl casinos".

But Jonny's contempt for this charming piece of Americana is not the focus of today's sermon. Rather, I want to share a valuable lesson that Jonny learned while traveling to and fro from this godforsaken shithole.

Jonny rolls in true P.I.M.P. style. The Jonnymobile is a 1997-vintage battleship-colored battleship with an All-American (though Japanese-made) V-8, 4.1 liter power plant. Length: 199 inches (16'7"). Empty Curb Weight: 3,877 pounds. Not exactly a recipe for good gas mileage, right?

Well, Jonny thought so for a long time. In-town mileage is shitty - EPA estimate: 16 MPG City. Jonny's experience: yep, about 16 mpg. Go EPA! Might as well drive a Hummer. EPA estimate: 22 MPG Highway. Jonny's experience: Not so much. I always felt lucky if I got 20 MPG on the highway. But hey - it was a nice, smooth ride with COLD air. Jonny just figured someone at the EPA got some nice oral pleasures from some Asians to issue this lofty rating.

Well, on Jonny's last two expeditions to the Land of the Meth-Mouth, I decided to try driving a little slower. What the hell. No real rush to get there. So Jonny set the cruise control to 60 and leaned back to enjoy the scenic countryside. Jonny never realized how many Adult Book Stores there are along I-35. Why is that? Are all of the truckers stopping to jack it before continuing on their journey? Jonny wants to know, but Jonny digresses.

Anyway, reset: Jonny was driving 60. The result? Well, Jonny's immediate impression was that it was AWESOME, simply because driving 60 MPH on the Interstate REALLY pisses a lot of people off. Nothing pleases Jonny more than watching some Douchebag twist off in Jonny's rear-view mirror because said Douchebag is very displeased that Jonny has chosen to drive the speed limit or slightly less. I'm in the slow lane fuckhole - go around me. Usually, if the douchebag rolled up on Jonny's bumper quickly enough and chose to stay extremely close, I would just hit the "Cancel" button on my cruise control so that my speed would start to decrease even more. That REALLY pisses them off. Usually I would get down to about 50 before they finally got the message and backed off, eventually passing while giving Jonny a dirty look, mouthing some choice words like "Jesus loves you" or "Have a nice day", and sometimes indicating via hand signal that Jonny was Number One!

Some Douchebags even chose to fly up on Jonny's ass, tailgate me, and then start flashing their lights and/or honking their horns. Response? Well, even though it's an old piece of shit, the Jonnymobile does have four-wheel antilock brakes. Seems like a good time to test them out. HARD!

[X] ABS still working

This particular subset of Douchebags seemed to get the message much more quickly than the Cancel Button Douchebags and backed off right away, but their response was usually more emphatic when they passed. I think a few of them liked Jonny so much that they wanted Jonny's autograph, because they were motioning for Jonny to pull over. I'd like to apologize to all of my fans out there, but Jonny ain't stopping on the side of the Interstate for you - it's too fucking hot and I have a tent full of smoke that I'm trying to get to some time today. You'll have to buy a facsimile of Jonny's autograph on eBay, Douchebag.

Beyond the initial result, Jonny was shocked to find out after going through a full tank of gas at 60 MPH that the Jonnymobile got a whopping 23 MPG!!! You fuckers in your four-cylinder, hamster-powered economobiles may scoff at this, but Jonny is rolling 199" long and nearly TWO TONS deep. I've got ice-cold air and I can carry more cargo in the Jonnymobile than I could in my Toyota pickup truck. And maybe that guy at the EPA didn't get blown, because suddenly 22 MPG is very realistic. Or maybe he just hustled those Asian chicks.

So Jonny has had an epiphany, and he would feel guilty if he didn't share it with you. Yes, even YOUR shitty car can get better gas mileage. Jonny's little jog into the Land of the Toothless is about 85 miles each way, so the difference in driving 60 MPH instead of 70 MPH means it takes me 12 minutes longer to get there. Who cares. It's not like Jonny's time has any value, so why not save some money on gas? And before you convince yourself that you are any different, YOUR time is WORTHLESS too. Unless you were planning working at some fantastic hourly rate once you get where you are going, then you have nothing better to do and your time has no value either.

So here's the moral of today's sermon: If you insist on driving above the speed limit, you have ZERO grounds to bitch about the high price of gas. Jonny improved his gas mileage by 15% simply by slowing down a little - so little that he didn't even notice that the trip took any longer. If you are so certain that your time and your life is so goddamn important that you have to drive 75, 80, 85 MPH or more to get where you are going, then I don't want to hear you whine about how much it cost you to fill your tank. Jonny used to think his time was valuable too, but now he knows otherwise and would rather entertain himself by pissing off Douchebags while driving slower and saving money. If you insist on driving faster than me, then SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! And if you insist on tailgating Jonny because I am Driving Miss Daisy To The Casino, you might catch a mouthful of the Jonnymobile's bumper, and I can guarantee you that the Jonnymobile will suffer less damage than that fiberglass American-made piece of shit that you are driving.

Jonny out, Bitches!

The Great Credick Card GameUpdate After One Month

2008-07-12T18:21:00.008-05:00

Jonny has been on a couple more trips - one to the mountains and one back to the Caribbean - and also has a couple of new projects in the works, hence the absence of Spew lately. So sorry. Jonny knows you LOVE the Spew and that you would shrivel up and die without it.

First order of business: Update on my little credit experiment.

So far, everything has been going exactly according to the plan. No hiccups or unforeseen fuckups, and the net result of the experiment has held true to the initial model. This has been an unusually spendy month, but it hasn't been due to intentional overspending motivated by this project. Rather, Jonny has stuck to the rule of not spending any money that he would not have otherwise spent if this experiment did not exist. The additional spending this month is purely coincidental - annual homeowners insurance premiums came due, and figuring that airline travel is not likely to get any cheaper in the foreseeable future, Jonny went ahead and booked the airfare for vacations this winter and next spring. Throw in airfare for an impromptu trip to investigate a new project, and we've booked about $8,100 in non-recurring expenses this month. In the coming months the big personal expenditures will greatly decrease, but another new project is likely to bring in some hefty bills. Oh well, if the experiment continues to work, it won't matter - the more the better!

Stats after one month:

Purchases:	$12,480.87
Payments:	- $24.00
Debt Balance:	$12,456.87

Escrow Balance:	$12,571.01
Difference in Debt/Escrow:	+ $114.14

Interest Received:	$39.14
Rewards Received:	$75.00
Interest/Rewards Receivable:	$35.03
Net "Profit":	+ $149.17

Notes to tables:

1) The amount of interest earned this month is deceiving. This amount includes $35 in New Account Bonuses received from ING Direct. Actual "true" interest earned in future months will be less until the debt/escrow balance grows large enough to generate significant interest.

2) The "Interest Receivable" refers to interest accrued so far in the current calendar month but that is not paid until the end of the month. ING Direct reports this figure on their website and updates it daily as interest is accrued. HSBC Direct (see discussion below about the new HSBC savings account) does not appear to report accrued interest, so accordingly I cannot report it here - it will just be posted as interest is received at the end of the month.

3) "Rewards Receivable" refers to cash-back rewards that are earned/accrued as purchases are posted to the credit card account, but that are not paid until later. Each credit card company has different rules for redeeming rewards, including the increments that can be redeemed and how often they can be redeemed. For instance, HSBC Visa allows you to redeem in $25 increments by making a request on their web site - they mail a check that you will receive in 10-14 days. The GM Flexible Rewards Mastercard requires you to redeem in $100 increments. American Express accrues your rewards for a year and then pays them in the form of a credit to your account one month after the anniversary date of your account. The various vendors have different methods of reporting your cash-back earnings, and in some cases I have to estimate these, but the amounts should not vary materially.

Observations and Random Musings:

About the only incorrect assumption that Jonny made when formulating this experiment was that it could all be managed with one or two credit cards with very high limits. Apparently Jonny overestimated his Big Baller status in the credit world, as the limits granted were not as lofty as expected. As a result, Jonny has opened several other accounts in order to afford himself the credit necessary to make the experiment work. The upside of this arrangement is that various cards offer different features that are more advantageous for certain types of purchases. The downside of this is the administration of multiple accounts and multiple monthly payments. So far this has not been a problem - it just requires attention to detail to make sure that a payment is not missed and that a credit limit is not exceeded. As you know, a late payment or an over-limit will subject you to an immediate ass-raping.

What was most shocking to Jonny was how EASY it was to obtain a great deal of additional credit. In one evening, Jonny applied for seven new credit cards and was approved for six of them with various limits ranging from $1,000 to $15,000. The only company that appeared to catch on to the onslaught of new accounts was Capital One, who, despite bombarding Jonny with endless "preapproval" offers in the mail for as long as I can remember, did not approve my application, citing too many recent inquiries and too many new accounts. All of the others did not seem to mind, approving Jonny for a total $37k in new credit, all with 0% introductory rates and various cash-back programs. Five of the six approvals were granted "instantly" using the respective vendors' online applications. Jonny has two different credit monitoring services, and one vendor shows a total of 15 new inquiries and 8 new accounts across my three credit bureau files, and the other shows 10 new inquiries and 5 new accounts. And the effect on Jonny's FICO credit score? Well, so far it has gone UP! So as best I can tell as supported by the evidence, the statements from the credit bureaus that multiple new accounts and new inquiries will hurt your credit is pure bullshit.

Jonny also opened a second savings account to use for escrow with HSBC Direct - another online account that offers a great rate - HSBC Direct currently pays a 3.50% APY, but they say that it is subject to change. We'll see. Regardless, since one of the credit cards used in this experiment is from HSBC, it was just far too tempting to execute a "pure" arbitrage play where Jonny is borrowing money interest-free from HSBC, earning 1% cash-back on it, and then loaning it back to HSBC at 3.50%. Genius!

Unfortunately, setting up the account with HSBC was a royal kick-to-the-nuts. I lost track of all of the steps it took to get the account opened. There were several points in the process where I wasn't really sure if I was waiting on them or they were waiting on me, so I would just wait for another e-mail from them. One of the later steps was to wait to receive an e-mail with a temporary authorization code to activate the account. Bingo! The e-mail came and I logged on to activate the account. Tap the brakes, Jonny - not so fast! To activate the account, you have to enter this e-mail code AND another code that they send you in the mail. Almost a week later I got that letter. It reminded me of the old Cold War movies where two guys had to break open two different authorization codes and recite them to make sure they matched before they could launch their nukes. What a beating. I'm sure they are just trying to be super-careful that some terrorist outfit isn't laundering money through them, but it's a fucking savings account! Anyway, I finally got the account open and funded, but it's just not worth the trouble for the extra 0.5% that they are paying over ING. Opening the account with ING was MUCH easier, and I never felt confused. I have also been saving PDF's of all of the various disclosures, terms & conditions, and other agreements that you have to give your consent in order to open the account. So far I have SEVEN such agreements on the HSBC Direct account. Overkill, guys.

The best overall deal Jonny got was from WaMu. WaMu gave Jonny a Visa card with 0% interest until January 2010 (18 months!). They have a tiered cash-back schedule with the top tier being $4,000+ in purchases. Well, Jonny knocked that one out quickly, so now, in addition to 1% cash-back on ALL purchases, Jonny gets 10% (!!!) cash-back on gas purchases for the first six months. Think about it - that's about a 40 CENT PER GALLON discount on gas. Honorable mention goes to American Express, who offers 1.5% cash-back on purchases over $6,500.00 including 5% on gas and other "Everyday" purchases. The crummiest deal was from Discover - only six months at 0% and a maximum of 1% cash-back on purchases over $3,000, plus the cash-back is only paid annually. Oh well. Free is free.

I'll keep you posted kids. So far Jonny is freerolling on the Dopeman's money as expected, and it should continue to snowball as Jonny earns more and more interest on the Man's money. I'm still trying to figure out a way to further leverage the game to get more risk-free return. Any ideas/schemes/scams you can think of would be helpful.

The Great Credick Card GameAlt: Stickin' It To The DOPEMAN

2008-06-11T00:16:00.022-05:00

Well Hello! Sorry Jonny hasn't written in a while. The Jonny Clan was on vacation on the Caribbean coast of Mexico, and while I was quite surprised to find Wi-Fi in the middle of nowhere, and ever MORE surprised that it was FREE, it's just damn hard to maintain my normal pissed-off demeanor in paradise, and even Jonny can't fake anger and cynicism when he isn't feeling it.

So Jonny is back, and not so pissed off, so today we're going to talk about a little game that Jonny is going to play with The Man.

Jonny has been reading a lot lately about all of the Reindeer Games that the credit card companies play to get you "hooked", to the point that they are willing to offer you some fairly outrageous introductory rates/terms, just because they know that once those offers expire (or you fuck them up prematurely), you will be unable to put down the crack pipe, and you'll be their cock-sucking crack-whore for life.

In a nutshell, most of the major card issuers will offer you fantastic interest rates (like ZERO), free balance transfers, and other enticements to get you lay with them. But as soon as you fuck up ONCE, like a payment that is slightly late, or you go over your credit limit (which, of course, they APPROVE when you make the purchase), or you commit one of a myriad of other seemingly-harmless faux-pas, they set their hooks so deep in you that you can never escape.

Well, Jonny ain't Suckin' no Glass Dick, but I can still partake in the Reindeer Games, right? I mean, why not take advantage of the free drugs from the Dopeman if you know that you are impervious to addiction, so in the end you just got free drugs, and the Dopeman gets nothing for his sinister betting on the come?

Here's the basic plan: Jonny will open up one or more credit card accounts with a 0% introductory rate and milk it as long as he can. Rather than pay the balance at the end of the billing period (before the expiration of the grace period), Jonny will instead carry a balance on the credit card (as long as it is at 0%) and instead deposit the funds that would normally be used to pay off the balance into an interest-bearing account. In other words, we'll take on interest-free loan from The Man and collect interest on the loan proceeds as long as possible. When the 0% introductory rate is close to expiring, Jonny will either transfer the balance to another 0% card, or pay it off in full.

Below are the basic assumptions/rules of this game:

1) One primary goal is to never pay The Man ANYTHING! No interest, no penalties, no annual fees, no late fees, no over-limit fees, no transaction fees, no balance-transfer fees, no currency exchange fees, NOTHING! However, Jonny reserves the right to vary from this from time to time when it makes financial sense, such as when a small balance-transfer fee will yield another extended period of 0% interest, during which time the interest earned will far outweigh the cost of the balance-transfer fee. In the event that Jonny elects to pay some sort of fee, it can only be paid from prior earnings of the experiment. Jonny will spend NOTHING out-of-pocket. The goal here is to MAKE money, even if it's only on a small scale. This is a "proof of concept" experiment rather than an effort to make significant money.

2) At the same time, the other primary goal of this project is to maximize the earnings on The Man's free money while taking as little risk and maintaining as much liquidity as possible. To that end, any non-cash and/or illiquid investments are out of the question, as are CD's, unless this experiment grows to the extent that some of the funds on deposit might be laddered in CD's to obtain higher interest rates. Further, most Money Market accounts limit the number on monthly transactions, and then charge a fee after this number is exceeded. To keep it simple, convenient, and cost-free, Jonny has selected an ING Direct savings account to start with. It pays 3.00% APY (around 2.98% APR), and all transfers are made easily and conveniently in and out of Jonny's checking account with his normal local bank. By this mechanism, Jonny can transfer the would-be payments into the interest-bearing account as often as he likes, and could theoretically do it daily so as to maximize the Average Daily Balance upon which interest is paid. By the same token, Jonny can transfer money back to his checking account when needed to make the minimum monthly payments on the credit card. As the U.S. interest rate climate changes, Jonny will continually reevaluate his options for a repository for these funds.

3) The funds on deposit are an ESCROW. They will not be touched for ANY reason except to make payments (ranging from minimum monthly payments to paying off the full balance) on the credit card balance. Jonny will never fall into the trap of debt servitude that the Dopeman wants him to. They'll never call me "Strawberry".

4) At the first sign of anything going wrong, Jonny will immediately pay off all balances in full using the funds in escrow. If the 0% interest period runs out and Jonny has not set up a satisfactory alternate account to which to transfer the balance, Jonny will pay off the balance rather than pay any interest. By the same token, if Jonny somehow fucks up and defaults on the terms on the introductory offer, thereby triggering interest or fees, Jonny will immediately pay off the balance.

5) In addition to interest, Jonny will take advantage of any bonus/rewards offers that he can to improve the return of this experiment. As detailed below, the easiest method to use "rewards" and to monetize them is via a "Cash Back" credit card. Any proceeds from rewards/bonuses will also be deposited into the Escrow to maximize returns. At present Jonny has not determined a good way to monetize "Rewards Points", airline rewards, or other non-cash bonus plans, so I'll stick with cash-back unless a better plan emerges. Jonny is too lazy to buy shit with "rewards points" or airline miles and then turn around and peddle the merchandise on eBay for cash.

6) Jonny doesn't give a FLYING FUCK what this experiment does to his credit. As long as he doesn't make late payments or otherwise fuck-up-royally, this shouldn't have any effect. In fact, the repeated flexing of Jonny's Credit Cock and the fact that he will become a "good customer" of the credit companies by carrying a balance, it might actually be positive influence on Jonny's credit. Although changes to his credit score cannot be vacuum-ized and be attributed solely to Jonny's involvement in this experiment, for the record, Jonny's FICO was 776 in May of 2008.

7) Jonny will NOT, for the sake of this experiment, make any purchases that he would not normally make in the course of his daily life. Jonny already pays almost all of his bills with a credit card so as to maximize the airline rewards on his existing credit card, and will simply shift his spending to the credit card that is set up specifically for this experiment, since the airline rewards have decreased to a point where their value is negligible to Jonny. The goal is to make a little coin of the Dopeman's generosity - not to spend money that Jonny would not otherwise have spent.

These are all of the rules that I can think of so far. I may add to them as time goes on and I discover facets of this experiment that I did not initially realize.

So, to get this Mutha-Fuckin' Party started:

1) Jonny set up an "Orange Savings" account with ING Direct. They sent me an offer in the mail for a $25 bonus just for opening the account, so we're already $25 ahead!

2) Next, Jonny applied for, and was approved (of course - do you know who the FUCK I am?) for a VISA card with 0% interest for 12 months, no annual fee, and 1% cash-back on all purchases. The cash-back should significantly improve the monetary outcome of the experiment. Jonny was offended by the paltry $5k credit limit they approved, which is peanuts by Jonny's Big-Baller standards, but it will do for the sake of this experiment. If the experiment goes well, Jonny will soon request a credit line increase and/or apply for another account. The initial projections Jonny ran that produced a little over $5,000 per year in "gravy" from this experiment were based upon $100k in credit, but Jonny likes the idea of "starting small" and making sure this experiment is feasible and reasonably manageable before digging in balls-deep.

3) Starting tomorrow, Jonny will do his best to be a good credit-wielding American and run up his credit line as quickly as possible, but Rule #7 is in full-effect - Jonny will not spend any more on purchases than he normally would. As often as is feasible without interrupting Jonny's normal day-to-day life, Jonny will transfer the would-be payments for his purchases to the new savings account so as to maximize interest earnings. Let the Reindeer Games begin!

4) Jonny will periodically report his results here for those that are interested.

Forward any questions.

FAQ for this experiment:

Q: I may be wrong, but it sounds like Jonny has too much time on his hands. Can you elaborate?

A: Yes, Jonny has WAY too much time on his hands. One assumption of this experiment is that Jonny's time has no monetary value, which, realistically, is a valid assumption. Therefore, the time that Jonny spends on this experiment is not monetized and deducted from or otherwise factored into the financial results of this experiment. Let's face it - most of you lazy fucks will never get a second job or otherwise convert your spare time into a money-making endeavor, so your time is ALSO worthless. Get over it.

Q: Why does Jonny make frequent analogies between the drug-trafficking industry and the credit card industry?

A: Because these credit-issuing fuckers are WAY sleazier than a dope dealer, except that their "product" is legal. Either way, once they hook you, you are always just a heartbeat away from sucking cock to survive.

Q: What does Jonny mean when he references the "Dopeman", the "crack pipe", and "sucking the glass dick"? And who the hell is "Strawberry"?

A: Obviously you didn't grow up in the P.G., or the O.C., or anywhere else where your lilly-white ass ever came into contact with the STREETZ! Get your ass out of Starbucks once and a while, would ya? And for specific references in this thread, you'll have to query your little iTunes world for N.W.A./Eazy-E/Ice Cube/Dr. Dre.

Memorial DaySaving Private Ryan and the Pussification of America

2008-05-27T00:17:00.003-05:00

In honor of Memorial Day, Jonny decided to repost something he wrote a few years ago in another forum. Regardless of your opinion on our current war, or any other war for that matter, please keep something in mind on this important day: Our men and women in uniform are NOT the ones pulling the strings, and they never have been. Regardless of whether you support this or any military action, PLEASE support the folks on the ground - I can assure you that they don't want to be there any more than the strongest critic of the action wants them to be there. Above all, please take a little time to consider and appreciate the sacrifices made by those that died in these actions.

August 26, 2006

Well, I've just finished watching Saving Private Ryan for about the 50th time. This has to be one of the five greatest films I've ever seen. No matter how many times I watch it, I still find myself choking back tears, and the battle scenes leave my ass cheeks sore for two days from being clenched so tightly for extended periods of time. Yeah - I know - I fucking get it - "It's a MOVIE". But all of the reviews back when it was released said that it was the most realistic film about WWII that had ever been made. The veterans lined up to bless it as an accurate account of D-Day and the War in general. In other words - yeah, it's a movie, but it's pretty fucking real!

Every time I watch this movie, I can't help but feel guilty. I mean, look at our sorry-ass generation. Do you think any of us would make the kind of sacrifices that our grandfathers did in WWII? I know I wouldn't. I'd run and hide like a little bitch if I was told to take my ass to France or Germany or Italy or the Pacific or anywhere else where I was pretty likely to FUCKING DIE. Yet the men of that generation did it. The First World War, and for that matter the Civil War and every conflict after that, pretty much destroyed the romanticism that surrounded young men going off to fight some glorious battle. By WWII it was pretty clear - you're going to fight because you HAVE TO, and you're probably going to DIE! But they did it anyway, and they didn't whine about it. Unlike every conflict that our country has been involved in since WWII, it was clear, even through all of the propaganda, that our adversaries were fucking EVIL and had to be stopped at all costs, so our grandfathers did what had to be done. My point is that if that situation arose today, I doubt that the men of my generation (me included) would fucking suck it up and get it done. We would look for any excuse we could to avoid serving our country, kind of like we do our best to avoid jury duty or anything else that might inconvenience us, not to mention anything that is likely to KILL us.

Don't get me wrong - I'm no blind-ass redneck patriot. I don't drink the fucking cool-aid for America. I personally think that every major conflict that we've been involved in since WWII has/had a basis in greed, politics, and economics rather than in what is "right" or what might endanger the freedom that we cherish. But goddamnit - we didn't CHOOSE to be involved in WWII. In fact, we avoided it to a fault when we probably should have jumped in earlier. I've heard every conspiracy theory known to man, but I've NEVER heard anyone claim that we bombed Pearl Harbor ourselves just so that we could bury our cocks balls-deep into WWII. Japan and Germany wanted to fuck us and take our shit and our way of life, and if allowed to continue unchecked, they would have done just that.

So anyway, although war is never pretty, it was necessary in this case, and the young men (and women) of that time did what was necessary. It is for that reason that any time I meet a Veteran of this period, I always shake their hand and sincerely thank them for their service to our country. If you don't agree with me, I challenge you to watch the first 30 minutes of Saving Private Ryan. Imagine that it is YOU at the age of 17, 18, 19, or for that matter, your son at that same age, that is riding in the landing craft approaching Omaha Beach, Utah Beach, Sword Beach, Juno Beach, or any of the other absolute DEATHTRAPS that our men did on June 6, 1944. Imagine trying to get out of the landing craft and get to cover amidst an incredible barrage of machine-gun and mortar fire while your buddies are blown to shit around you. Now, compare that to your pussy-ass that whines like a bitch if you haven't had your Starbucks in the morning or because the waitress is slow in bringing your shots, and you'll see what I mean. Our generation is a bunch of sorry-ass, pussified little selfish bitches that has completely lost sight of how absolutely fucking fantastic our lives are and instead want to bitch because we have to wait in line too long at the D.M.V. to get our Driver's License renewed. Feel guilty like I do? You should. Because you're a little bitch too.

So, whenever you have the chance, take a moment to pull your head out of your ass and thank a WWII Veteran for what they did your your worthless, sorry, pussy ass. Let's face it - there aren't many men left among us that were old enough to have served in the armed forces in 1944, and within the next 20 years they will be extinct. It's the least you can do, you SELFISH FUCK. And if you're ever in New Orleans, take a few hours out of your busy schedule of drinking, gambling, partying, and whoring and visit the D-Day Museum - it's awesome, and assuming that you aren't completely insensitive to history, you might actually appreciate it and learn something.

Reprise: January 10, 2008

I was at my local Post Office last week, and as I was leaving I held the door for an elderly gentleman. He was barely five feet tall, but he was probably a lot taller before old age shrunk his height. I was wearing one of my old, raggedy-ass S.M.U. sweatshirts (you know the ones I'm talking about!), and he saw it and asked if I went to school there. Without thinking, I said what I always say..."Many moons ago", not really thinking that if this man has an SMU connection, his pre-dated mine by DECADES. Sure enough, he laughed and said that he was there starting in 1946 (YOU do the math!). He was wearing one of those caps that always brings me to my knees - an embroidered cap that shows the name of an Army or Marine unit, or of a Navy ship, or some other unit of WW2 military. In his case, it said "Army Air Corps". I asked him if he was once in the service, and he answered that he served in WW2. Call me a big pussy, but I immediately stuck out my hand and said "Thank you for what you did for our country". He looked a little puzzled, so I explained to him that (in my opinion), my generation would never understand what it was like back then, nor the sacrifices that his generation made. He laughed and said "Most people your age don't even know that it ever happened!" I couldn't argue with him - we totally suck. See my original rant about what a bunch of pussies we are. Anyhoo, I felt priviledged to meet this man who has sacrificed for our way of life and shook his hand. On the way out of the parking lot I waved to him as he (slowly) walked back to his car, and I couldn't help but feel that this guy was part of the reason that my life is so good.

Thank you sir!

That is all, bitches.

And to our Veterans, Thank You! Jonny sincerely Loves You Long Time!

Come On Now!!!:Raiders of the Lost Ark: Part IV

2008-05-23T22:57:00.020-05:00

What the hell was Jonny thinking? Hmmmm.....let me see, a Geriatric Swashbuckling Archaeologist Scouring Peru for Clues to an Ancient Alien Invasion. Sounds like an AWESOME premise! Sign me up!

Yeah, they got me. Jonny spent $9.25 and three hours of his life that he'll never get back on this piece of shit.

I guess it just proves that the American Public (Jonny included) really IS that fucking stupid. First they gave us Shriveled-But-Still-All-Veiny-And-Roided-Up Rocky Balboa. Gross!!! Hey - it could happen! A 60-year-old dude COULD kick the shit out of a professional boxer 30 years his junior, right?

I guess everyone thought that Sly looked so good in that one that they quickly followed it up with another sequel in the Rambo series. Or maybe it was because so many dumbasses paid to go see "Rocky VI: That's Not My Cup - Those Are My DEPENDS" that it grossed about $125 million versus a cost of $24 million to make. This time the old fuck is back running around the jungle and killing gooks in hand-to-hand combat. Maybe all of the humidity and sweat covered up his problems with incontinence. At least he had the decency to hire a body-double half his age to do alot of his stunts. This little gem of Senior Citizen Action Hero Cinema made a profit of about $50 million, so sadly we're likely to see more of this shit. PLEASE people, stop paying for this shit, and eventually they'll stop making it.

But sadly, not yet. Alas, the final leg of our Triple-Crown-of-Action-Heros-That-Sometimes-Accidentally-Shit-Their-Pants-During-Filming hit theaters yesterday, and I'm sure it will make a killing too, spawning more of these horribly saddening works. In case you're wondering, the original Raiders of the Lost Ark was released TWENTY-SEVEN years ago. And it was GREATNESS. Why do they insist on fucking up such a great franchise with scenes of an old man climbing into a refrigerator to avoid a nuclear blast (because a good-ole fridge can survive a direct nuclear strike that obliterates everything else in sight), and then doing some horrifying slapstick physical comedy with some CGI gophers when he climbs out of the fridge that was blown miles across the desert. And then they have to revive Marion Ravenwood, also from the first Indy, who is now even fatter and more tore-up than he is, to come back and bust Indy's balls. Wow, there is NOTHING like two sexagenarians rekindling an old flame to make me throw up in my mouth. It just gets worse and worse as the story goes on, until the aliens kill all of the Russians or suck them into the giant flying saucer for some anal probing, but Indy and his crew miraculously escape just in time (SHOCKING! - Never saw THAT ending coming!) to witness the majestic alien departure from the top of the ridge. Are you FUCKING SERIOUS??? Aliens??? How the fuck does an archaeologist find ALIENS while exploring ancient ruins in the mountains of South America? Oh wait, here comes the credits with the cool Raiders theme song. At least Indy's theme song is still good, but while they were busy fucking up everything else about Raiders of the Lost Ark, why didn't they just go ahead and sodomize the theme song - maybe a new rendition by Lil Jon with a nice Techno beat.

So Jonny is wondering - What's next? Since making retread sequels of old action flicks using the original cast seems to be all the rage, how about we dig up Christopher Reeve and spring Margot Kidder from the mental hospital long enough to make one more Superman sequel?

Or maybe reunite Burt Reynolds and Sally Field for one more Smokey and the Bandit.

Or maybe Ned Beatty can squeal like a pig for us one more time, just for old-time's sake.

Wait! I've got it! Let's get Andy Griffith and Aunt Bea back together for some hot octogenarian PORN!!!

Jonny out, bitches! ♥ Love you long time!

"Economic Stimulus" = More Tax for Jonny, More Consumption for YouPart II:Why Jonny Sits on His Ass Instead of Working.

2008-05-21T02:21:00.019-05:00

In Part I of this article Jonny discussed his views on the current "Economic Stimulus" program and what a smelly Red-Radio-Flyer-with-Wooden-Rails-and-All-Terrain-Tires WAGON-LOAD of SHIT it is.

Part II is a continuation of that line of thought, geared more toward Jonny's general fucking disdain and loathing of our tax system and what he does to beat it.

Same credits go to WestonPoker.com / BigStack.com as in Part I of this article. Thanks to T3 for providing the forum and to the other guys for providing their thought-provoking comments/input/feedback.

Here's the deal: Without question, the U.S. tax system is one of the biggest weights hanging around the neck of the U.S. economy. Why? Because it DISCOURAGES many Americans from working, from creating jobs, and from innovating.

"But WAIT Jonny - I call Bullshit!", you exclaim. "Hard work, innovation, and entrepreneurship are the values at the very CORE of the American Dream. What ever do you mean?"

Well, that's the view of most civilians in the business world. By "civilians" I mean the masses that work for The Man - those that earn their living as an employee rather than as an employer. It's also the opinion of many wide-eyed, would-be entrepreneurs that, while toiling for The Man, from the safe and comfy confines of their shitty little cubicle, dream of "going out on their own". Why? Because they simply don't realize what an ass-fucking(1) they have coming to them if they DO start a business AND they are lucky enough to actually be successful at it.

"Please elaborate, Jonny", you plead, like a child begging Grandpa to tell another old-man story. "What awful villain is going to ass-fuck you, Jonny?"

Well, it's this guy named Sam that we're worried about. You know who I'm talking about - he's most visible in March and April standing on the median outside of various Liberty Tax Preparation locations along with that French cunt "Statue of Liberty". He wears a ridiculous red, white, and blue outfit like a really creepy clown with a FUCKED UP hat. No, not Cheddar, he's the short one dressed like a midget-clown or a leprechaun. Sam is tall. You know who I mean - THAT GUY.

"I still don't understand Jonny. Why would the nice man in the funny outfit and hat want to harm you?"

Well, no one knows it, but that creepy clown is Jonny's "Silent Partner". Let me illustrate:

Let's pretend that Jonny had a great Crown-induced idea and wanted to start a new business:

1) First, Jonny would have to invest a tremendous amount of his time and effort working toward starting his new venture.

2) At the same time, Jonny would have to invest a large chunk of money as start-up capital. The money would either have to come from Jonny's pockets, or he would have to borrow it. Either way, it's coming out of Jonny's ass if things don't go well - he's at risk of losing 100% (or more) of the money he sinks into this thing.

3) Next, Jonny busts his ass to first get the business to a point where it can survive, and then perhaps he might even be lucky enough to reach a point where the business is making a little money. Jonny breathes a big sigh of relief. His investment of time, effort, and money is still FAR from secure, but at least it's looking like success is a slightly possible outcome. Jonny decides he is ready to draw his first paycheck, representing a little fruit from his efforts, so he can take Mrs. Jonny out for a nice dinner to thank her for putting up with all of the long hours, hard work, and financial sacrifices.

4) Well, word seems to travel faster than the rumor of a SWAT raid in the Dallas underground poker community, and Jonny's silent partner (that creepy bastard in the FUCKED UP hat) somehow makes a bee-line from the nearest strip center, and he manages to arrive before Jonny has even written out that check. And guess what? He's got his hand out, looking for his share. Sammy and his cousin from the State of Texas get:

a) 15.3% of every dollar Jonny makes in Social Security and Medicare taxes
b) 2.7% of every dollar in State Unemployment tax
c) 0.9% of every dollar in Federal Unemployment tax

So far Creepy Clown has skimmed Jonny for almost 19 cents out of every dollar, and Jonny gets 81 cents. Damn! A 19% rake is STEEP. It's not "State Lottery Steep", but it's still high. Okay, that's something Jonny can learn to live with. 19% for all of the privileges and protections that this country affords Jonny is probably worth it, even though they could really run a lot leaner and give us a rake reduction.

NOT SO MUCH. That 19% goes to pay for entitlements to other people. Other "citizens". In other words, Jonny hasn't BEGUN to pay for his "country".

Then comes the income tax. Most years, one of two things will happen - either Jonny is already in a high marginal bracket and paying either 28% or 33% on every incremental dollar, or he's subject to AMT and paying 26% or 28% of EVERY dollar.

So now Creepy is getting between 45% and 52% of every dollar Jonny makes. Somehow, me and Ass-Clown Guy are EQUAL partners, even though Jonny is the one doing ALL of the work and taking ALL of the risk. You probably originally thought that Jonny's choice of the "ass-fuck" metaphor was a little extreme - are you coming around?

But wait, it gets better. As Jonny's income increases, he gradually gets more-fucked (or "deeper-fucked", or "worse-fucked"? - Jonny isn't sure how to express the different degrees of ass-fucked-ness). His ability to take normal deductions and credits disappears. Itemized deductions (like mortgage interest and property taxes on Jonny's Cardboard Box Estates homestead, as well as sales tax and other expenses)? GONE. Personal exemptions ($3,400 per person in your household for 2007)? GONE. Child tax credit? FORGET IT. IRA deduction? NOPE. "Mr. Jonny, sir, you don't get to deduct stuff that normal folks do because you are one of those evil 'rich' people".

And an "Economic Stimulus Payment" or "Rebate"? - ROFLMGDMFAO!!! "Mr. Jonny, sir, those go to people who DESERVE them, not to you evil people that work hard, take risks, and sometimes make a lot of money."

And I haven't scratched the surface of the possibility that there are corporate taxes on profits before they get to Jonny. That's a different post for a different day.

Oh yeah, and Jonny also hasn't discussed the possibility that these various tax rates go even higher after the next election, since our big, fat, bloated, morbidly-obese government is broker than broke and has to recover that deficit somehow. And don't forget that Medicare and Social Security are already insolvent relative to their respective obligations and rapidly spiraling toward complete bankruptcy. Who do you think will be expected to bear the additional tax load? Since everyone's vote counts the same, and there are more "commoners" than "aristocrats", guess who gets the shitty end of this deal? Yep, it's a party in Jonny's ass and everyone's cummin'!

Okay, Jonny will bring all of this tangentiality(2) (just for you Waldo - love you!) back on topic, as if he were winding down an epic Lynyrd Skynyrd guitar solo and trying to somehow relate it back to the original melody. Why is our tax system detrimental to our economy? Because it makes it more compelling for people like Jonny to sit on their ever-growing ass than to get up, mix in a salad, and go back to work at making this country great.

So, as teased in the header of this article, how does Jonny beat the tax system? If you were hoping for some glowing shit-nugget of tax-evasion strategy, sorry. Jonny beats the Tax Man by NOT MAKING MONEY. Simple. The less money you make, the less you owe in taxes. Follow my lead - sit on your ass, get drunk, complain, and save on your tax bill. The less you do, the better off you are - it's as American as Apple Pie. Brilliant!

WHY THE FUCK would Jonny expend his time and effort and risk his money on a new business venture, so that IF Jonny's new business idea does succeed, he gets to share the fruits of his labor 50/50 (or worse) with some leaching fuck in a creepy clown costume?

Simply put, it's a huge DISINCENTIVE to entrepreneurs, innovators, and other would-be job-creators. If the chains were lifted, Jonny would gladly get up, start an enterprise, start creating jobs for civilians again, and generally start contributing to the overall wealth, gross domestic product, and standard of living for the good old U.S.A. But Jonny has a shock collar around his neck, and he has to be REALLY determined to get out of the yard before he's going to make a break for it. Actually, it's more like those collars in The Running Man - like a shock collar, except they blow your fucking head off. Pink mist, baby!

Usually Jonny likes to just bitch without offering any real solutions to his problems, because if all the problems were solved Jonny wouldn't be able to bitch. But Jonny is confident in his ability to find something else to bitch about, so he will release a little turd of wisdom regarding this bitch-fodder.

ELIMINATE THE MARGINAL RATES AND THE PHASE-OUT OF DEDUCTIONS AND CREDITS. At present, Jonny does his best to MINIMIZE his taxable income so that he doesn't get double-donged by higher marginal tax brackets and reduced deductions. How American is THAT? Am I fulfilling my destiny as a patriotic American by sitting on my ass, drinking heavily, and making as LITTLE money as possible? Maybe I was stoned and misunderstood my teacher the day we covered "The American Dream" in Dallas public school, but Marcus Aurelius had a dream that was Rome, Proximo, and THIS IS NOT IT!

However, if the C-4 Shock Collars of marginal tax brackets and deduction/credit phase-out were eliminated, and Jonny knew that he would pay the same percentage of tax whether he made $20,000 or $10,000,000, even Jonny's lazy ass would shoot for the high end.

Seems simple, huh? So go get it done - I'm timing you!

Jonny out, bitches! ♥ Love you long time!

(1) Jonny apologizes for all of the negative connotations he associates with anal sex in this article. Jonny has nothing against anal. For that matter, Jonny is conceptually cool with anal regardless of the gender of the pitcher and the catcher - Jonny is of the opinion of "Hey, whatever floats your boat!". Jonny hopes that he did not offend anyone by portraying anal as such a violent, vile act. What he meant to say is that Uncle Sam likes to perpetrate "non-consensual, forced, prison-style anal RAPE", but this post is uber-long and Jonny doesn't have the energy to go back and rewrite the entire article to sound more politically correct for the readers that like sweet, consensual, gentle, loving anal sex.

(2) Even my spell-checker choked on this word. I RULE!