that woman here

i'mm off on another adventure...

2008-06-17T05:18:00.000-07:00

the midget and i are off to texas today. i have a job interview a few hours after we arrive tomorrow. i'm not scared at all anymore. i'm just hyped on cigarettes and caffeine.

wish me there safely.

did i ever tell you....?

2008-05-23T19:34:00.000-07:00

so, here i am 41 years old and people look at me and still think that i'm some martha stewart acolyte. if you only knew.......

i remember going to the adams avenue street music festival one year and going to my favorite radio station's booth asking for some schwag. the kid (maybe 22) looked at me askew and kind of laughed. "are you sure you're at the right place?" he asks me. i see one of the regular dj's behind him turn around to see who he's talking to. "what do you want to know?" i ask him, "ok, who are some of the dj's from the station?" he queries.

i proceed to give the daily lineup then the weekend lineup and he's just standing there staring with his jaw open, then he finally finds the faculty to say "whoa...whoa....ok...i stand corrected"

i wish i still had that t-shirt. the midget has destroyed it somewhere along the way.

94.9 san diego. it's about the music. i miss tommy when he used to do the early morning on the weekdays. i miss anya, halloran and travis early mornings on the weekends. i miss them all. i miss big sonic chill ( i used to fall asleep to it every night). i can only say that i'm glad i have the web.

2008-05-23T19:10:00.000-07:00

there are no mirages lately or dreams of the future. i have someone to fill the void for the moment but he doesn't give me what i need deep down inside....and the midget hates him. so, there's no hope for me here in illinois. i wait for the breeze in texas and i hope that i can create again; words and beautiful things. my creative side is beginning to feel like a limb lost long ago, you can feel it but it's not there any more.

i don't want it to end. i need it not to end. i need to know that some part of what i can create will not die. i refuse to believe that i will live a half life just going through the motions of being alive instead of being someone that stays in the back of your mind that refuses to be put away in file, a box, a neat place where you categorize things.

i will never be shakespeare, bukowski, neruda, cummings, hemingway or anyone else's words that echo through my mind and yours as the moments pass. i am not them but i still want to be me. here i am. i will never forget you.

time for another adventure!!

2008-05-11T05:51:00.000-07:00

...at least that's how i'm looking at it.

i was terminated from my job at the plant in the beginning of february for sleeping and have not been able to find any other employment since. and of course, a negative result for that means not being able to pay the rent. so, yes we're out - but we're good.

i'm turning all of this bad weather into sunshine (and humidity), though. we're moving to texas. we'll be leaving in about three weeks or so. in the mean time, we''re staying with sarah's oldest daughter ame until the great exodus commences.

i miss you all dearly and hoprfully, i will be able to post more now that there is a computer here.

love you and miss you all.

teresa

postcard for the new year

2008-01-01T07:27:00.000-08:00

hello everyone...thank you for the kind words and support that all of you have sent my way throughout this year. i certainly never expected to be gone a year!! All of you have been very close in my thoughts during the times i had a craving to write.

my return to the blog is still a bit iffy at this point. i shut off the house phone when the midget ran up the long distance talking to her cute young male friend. i will certainly try to do my writing the old fashioned way and then going to the library too give it to you.

i'm still having the same thoughts but with less pain attached. i've lost 50 pounds and still going. i'm not sure whether i'd ever put a pic of myself up but stranger things have happened.

my new year's resolution is to make the changes in my life myself that i sat around and waited for them to happen on their own.

i will continue to smoke occasionally. i will continue to have cocktails and irish stout when i have the thirst( thankfully, not that often). i will remember that i am a great human with wonderful loving friends.

happy new year to you all!!

missed you all,

teresa

i'm only happy when it rains

2006-12-27T19:37:00.000-08:00

my lengthy absence has been due to a depression that i'm still trying to shake. it doesn't help that the holidays are here. they always seem to bring me down for some reason and the fact that being here, in this place, seems to have brought me even lower.

i'm still trying to bring myself up from that. i have a friend that feels i should seek treatment for it. medication is great for some but i don't think it would be the best thing for me. nor do i believe in drowning myself in drugs and alcohol. being a pisces, i'm a supposed to be a prime candidate for addictive behaviour but i never seemed to catch on to that ( i seem to be the exception to many rules).

i'm here. i'm functioning under the radar most of the time, but i am still here. thank you nasra.

what monotony bred

2006-12-27T19:01:00.000-08:00

it would be great if this job were more mentally challenging for me - load the part, let my mind drift for 19 seconds while the machine does it's job then replace it with another and press the green button and begin everything again another 500 times before my shift ends.

of course, i can't control which way my mind wanders. do i want to clean house when i get home tonight?...damn, a beer would taste good right about now...that new guy has a nice ass...he reminds me of someone i used to know. which, inevitably leads me to thoughts of sex (or lack of, in my case).

what kills me most are the memories of my past lovers. thousands of miles between us and the time that has passed has done nothing to diminish the heat of those moments. just sitting here thinking of them makes me flush with heat. should i tell you how much the remembrance of phil's breath on the back of my neck and his lips on my shoulder blades still make me weak in the knees after all this time? lord, i wish it didn't but it does. do i even need to tell you what the more intimate memories do to me? yes, let's not go there.

and now my mind is stuck on that topic. being flushed with the memory of past orgasms is so much nicer that wondering why i can't find someone here and now who will, at least, for the moment just hold my hand.

it shouldn't be any surprise that my worries seem to pile up when i am hormonal. and now that i'm getting older, it seems to be a lot more often. why can't i cry about not getting that fabulous brown suede jacket or not keeping my room clean? why does it always happen because i feel more lonely these days?

oh, how my mind slips and wanders - i need to call mary back in san diego and find out if she has had any more encounters with mr. fishlips...remove the part, replace it, press the green button...i need to start making jewelry again...remove, replace, press...the catbox needs to be cleaned...remove, replace, press...god, i miss being warmed by someone...remove, replace, press...remove, replace, press.....

new postcards

2006-12-27T18:43:00.000-08:00

october - marilyn stingley died. she's the woman that prompted me to get a bad review in my first three months at the plant. she's also the one who told me three months later that she had heard that i would be the one to replace her as far as being knowledgeable about the parts at work.

november - i applied for a position at the other plant at the end of october and found out that i got it. no more tack weld burns. no more cuts. no more dirty clothes and ravaged fingernails. i'm going to the quality department to be an inspector. i hear the raises are better, as well.

checklist for the perfect man

2006-09-24T12:25:00.000-07:00

these are the lyrics from a song called be there by an irish group called kila. if i had ever had a checklist of what i wanted in a man, this would be it. and no. 1 on my list would be the same...be there.

on the disc, it's done a capella. straight and to the point. i like the song even more now that i've read the lyrics. the first is in the original gaelic. and no, i don't understand a word, although i'd like to someday.

Bí Ann

Bí ann
Bí liom
Bí gasta
Bí cróga
Bí cliste
Bí glic
Bí grámhar, gealgáireach
Bí sochair laistigh
Bí doimhin ach bí éadrom
Gan teannas ar bithI do chorpI do chroíI do cheann
Ins an tslíIna chuireann tú tú fhéin
I láthairI pé comhluadar ina bhfuil tú
Bí ann liom
Bí láidir ildána nuair a chasann an domhain
Bí ann dom
Agus buailfidh muid le chéile nuair a thagann an t-am

Be there

Be there
Be with me
Be quick
Be brave
Be clever
Be sure
Be tricky
Be sharp
Be loving, light-hearted
Be steady inside And be deep but be light
With no tension inside
In your body
In your heart
In the way which you present yourself
In whatever company you happen to be
Be there for me
Be strong and be able
When the world takes a turn
Be there with me
And we will meet together
When the right time comes

© 2003 Kíla Records All Rights Reserved

i'll drink to that

2006-09-16T12:23:00.000-07:00

i was sitting in a bar wearing a bead i had just got in. a small labradorite briolette that had marvelous schiller. it's rather like an opal. it has the same intensity, the glowing and the depth. in an opal it's called fire, in a labradorite, it's called schiller. and this one glowed with a blue green fiery iridescence.

the person i was sitting next to knew that i made jewelry. he asked if i made what i had on.....yes, i did i replied. he went on to ask what kind of stone it was, where i got it and why i liked it.

i'd only known about the stone for about 6 years. i couldn't even recall how i came across it. i began to tell him how it reminded me of diving down deep into the water. how when you swim down deep where it becomes rather gray and murky and look up to the surface where the light shines down through and you see flashes of blue and green. that's what this stone reminds me of i tell him.

you spend a lot time jumping into deep water, don't you? he asked me smiling.

no, i replied, no jumping. the deep end is everywhere. you just have to let yourself fall.

postcards from the edge...

2006-08-14T07:35:00.000-07:00

february 28.... i turned 39. rather anticlimactic, to say the least. the number meant nothing to me. best part of the day was when sarah tied a balloon to a beltloop on the back of my jeans and i had to wear the balloon all night. it's good to feel loved. wish you were there i would have shared.

may 23.....the midget graduated from middle school and i almost didn't get to see it. apparently, one needs tickets to attend such functions here in smallville. even the single, solitary mother of one for whom they would make no exception for. but, thanks to the kindness of one mr. hightower, a janitor there, i was able to watch my one and only take her walk. yes, i was crying the entire time. not only out of gratitude for the kindness of strangers but because my baby is growing up and i'm the only one to see it. who else sees the world through my eyes, i wonder? wish you could have been there...i saved you a seat.

june 13....it is one year since we arrived here in smalltown usa. my apartment is still not painted the way i want it. it still doesn't feel like home to me, yet. tomorrow on the 14th, it will be 10 years since my mother passed away. time is moving too damn fast. if i wear a watch will it slow down?

august 14.....the midget starts high school next week. do i even need to tell how much that frightens me? to get her back for scaring me like that, i'll tell you that her boobs still have not evened out, yet! you're invited for drinks next week when i'll tell you about the sex dreams she feels the need to tell me about! miss you lots.

it doesn't help that i'm half crazy

2006-03-21T07:48:00.000-08:00

the midget came out into the living room saturday morning with a look of obvious distress on her face. i was expecting to hear the latest excuse for why the dishes hadn't been done. instead my dear midget, nearly hysterical, practically screams out, "mom, one of my boobs is bigger than the other!"

i have all sorts of comments ready to escape my lips, but they don't because i'm trying so hard to keep from laughing. i just sit there and do the obvious, i look at her boobs at then at her and say, "yes, i can see that."

midget: mom! will they even out?

me: (giggling ensues)

midget: mooom! it's not funny! will they?

me: i don't know. they might not. (more giggling)

midget: what do you mean? mooom!! you're kidding, right?

me: (shrugging and laughing)

midget: man, the kids at school are going to notice, aren't they? everybody's going to see.

me: hopefully, they don't pay that much attention to your chest.

midget: you'd better not tell sarah, mom.

me: ...laughing

midget: moooooom!!!

me: well, i will be seeing her tonight when we go out. george will be there, too (george is her son, 17 and very handsome).

midget: nooooo!!! you wouldn't?

me: actually, i think it's blogworthy!

she left to her room saying that she wanted to have her boobs done when she was old enough. i asked her who was going to pay for it, she said she was going to. i find that hard to believe since her allowance has been canceled because she doesn't do her chores regularly.

i did tell sarah yesterday morning after work and, of course, i'm telling you. i would never tell george, though. sarah might. i also warned the midget that the more people that knew, the more they would be staring at her chest trying to figure out which one was actually bigger. i don't think she quite saw the humor in that.

can you believe it's spring already?

sing with me.....i'm dreaming of a white easter. yes, i got snow today.

heart removal in OR 4

2006-02-09T09:04:00.000-08:00

the midget was on the phone last night with one of her school chums having a girly conversation asking each other if a certain guy asked you on a date would you go with him. i was in bed just waking up before getting ready to go to work last night listening to their exchange when i hear the midget say that she had made out with this guy five times.

i let her have her time on the phone and then told her she needed to hang up. she did and i asked her when, where, who she made out with five times.

midget: i haven't done that, mom.

me: i heard you tell your girlfriend, plain as day. you said five times.

she knows i can smell a rat. she did. we had another mother-daughter chat and she went off to bed. what makes this whole thing hilariously frightening was the call i had later with my friend, mary, in san diego. she said, well teresa, just think you can live vicariously through the midget.

what i want to do with a man may involve kissing but it involves a whole lot more of something else, something no parent wants to find out their teenage daughter is engaging in.

and, of course, the hilarity doesn't end there. i had a conversation on the job last night with a coworker. we were talking about dating, or lack of dating in my case. she suggested i go out more and make my self "available." i told her about my girlfriend, kellie, who has tried to set me up with any appropriate single guy on her side of the plant and the disastrous results from that (she still refuses to stop looking). i also told her about the guys i dated in the past back in san diego.

latoya: well, what if someone from your past called the maury povich show and said they wanted to get in touch with you?

me: ummm...no!

latoya: why not?

me: mp is a just a step above jerry springer. how many times has that one girl been on the show and still can't find the father of her child? and she's had how many guys tested? nearly 20? oprah...maybe.

latoya: but they do the "finding the lost love" shows. what if the maury show called you with the all expense paid package and told you that someone from your past wants to find you? you wouldn't go?

me: ....no.

latoya: but wouldn't you be curious? wouldn't you want to know who it is? what would you say if the show called you and told you that?

me: i'd tell them that i'm having surgery at that time. i'm having my heart removed, it's too fucking late.

latoya's eyes got really big and nearly fell over in her chair laughing. she got such a kick out of it, she spend her lunch break telling everyone about it.

mathias has a post on his site entitled "vexed." i remember after reading it that i had wanted to post a comment. but i couldn't without getting very personal and very emotional. it was very heartfelt post about his friends and hearing this song by coldplay that he wished his friends could hear and really listen to and hopefully start really listening to each other.

the song is called "fix you." kellie would be very happy if i had someone in my life to fix me. i don't think the man exists anymore, if he ever did. the only person i want near my heart is the one who can take it out. no more wishing and hoping for some man to show up on the horizon. no more pain of loneliness. just empty space. a black hole. and peace.

i'm fine, i just needed to vent.

gung hai fat choy

2006-02-02T12:30:00.000-08:00

my friend, heath, has kept (or tried to keep) every fortune he has ever gotten from a fortune cookie. i'll admit to being a bit of a packrat with some things, but generally not wisdom from a fortune cookie. how many different ways can they tell you that you will have money coming to you or that you will be taking a journey in the near future? too many.

i opened a lovely little surprise when i finished my kung po shrimp the other day. it read: you see pictures in poems and poems in pictures.

this one is definitely a keeper. i'm even thinking of incorporating it into some artwork i'm doing.

a word or two about my friend, phil

2006-01-29T06:51:00.000-08:00

i know i had mentioned some time ago that i would say something about phil, if only because of his bizarre shenanigans, but nothing really seemed noteworthy until now.

phil and i dated for a very short time but still remained friends, friends with benefits. we never went out anywhere together. he would always come over and we would watch movies. either something from my collection or something obscure or strange that he would bring over. most of the movies i have are foreign, sci-fi, fantasy or adventure. i just can't do romance movies and admit to it. i'll admit that i will watch one once or twice a year when i need a good cry, but that's not the point here.

even though phil and i had the same taste in movies, there were many fairly recent releases that he hadn't seen such as pitch black and the chronicles of riddick with vin diesel. we saw those one night. another night i showed him a little movie called moon 44 with michael pare. a sleeper that i had first seen in 1991, i think. it's an okay movie, but for some reason it remained with me and i bought it on dvd when i saw it.

back to phil. time has passed since i moved here to illinois and he moved to seattle to his new job. he has made friends with his new co-workers, most notably, a female, who invited him over one night to watch movies. phil told me he was getting settled on her couch and she pops in the dvd and the movie starts and he starts to get nervous. it's moon 44. he said he jumped off her couch and said that he couldn't watch that with her. she, of course, wants to know why and he tells her that he had seen this with another woman (me) and he couldn't see it with a different woman because it holds too much sentimental attachment to him.

phil said she got up to look for a new movie to put in and grabbed something else that we had seen together. to which, he had to tell her he couldn't see that one with her, either. he told me he started rattling off all the movies that we had seen together, that he could not, in good conscious, see with her. unfortunately, it sounded as if this woman had the same movie collection i do, so phil left.

couples, such as they are, have songs and moments to recall their relationships and their dedication to one another, but a sci-fi flick? apparently, it meant quite a bit to phil. i heartily admit i laughed my ass off when he told me that. but then, it's another one of those strange little things about phil that endear him to me. he, is most certainly, one of a kind.

passing of the torch?

2006-01-22T05:35:00.000-08:00

i went to a benefit last night at one of the local bars for a woman at work on second shift who has recently learned that the cancer she has is terminal. they discovered the cancer a few months ago and she began her therapy and thought everything was progressing nicely. she had expected to come back to work next month in february, but of course, she learned that it had metastasized at an alarming rate and had changed her prognosis.

i try to get along with everyone at work, including this woman, marilyn. one evening, after i had been on the job for about two months, i came into work exhausted and was listening to marilyn tell me what i needed to know about the parts i would be working on before it was time for her shift to leave. i did the dreaded 'eye roll' and marilyn thought it was directed at her. she went to the one of the leaders and inquired if that was my general behavior and the person told her no, that i was nice and very easy to get along with (this is the same leader that gave me the very bad review, and this one incident is what sparked it).

i'm a very sensitive person. i realized what i had done after it happened and cursed myself up and down. i also apologized to marilyn the next time i saw for which she was very appreciative.

i do have a point with all this, i'm trying to get to it. marilyn is a fireball of knowledge and energy when it comes to working on the parts. if there is a question you need answered, marilyn will give it to you straight. marilyn knows it all. her knowledge and experience will be very hard to replace.

last night, out in the parking lot, i gave her some cookies that i had made for the cake walk (i had arrived late) and she told me that she had heard that i was going to be her replacement. i told her i had no intention of going to second shift. she looked me straight in the eye and said "i'm not talking about the shifts, teresa. i hear that you're turning into the knowledgeable one regarding the parts. i hear that you're doing a good job and picking things up fast, very fast." i've got that deer in the headlights look now. i told her that no one at that job (other than the other new leader, jim and sarah) tell me that i'm doing a good job. she said, "they won't. that's how the place is. you keep doing what you're doing and when you're right, you stand your ground. you'll do very well, teresa." i started to get misty eyed and she told me not to start crying or she would, too. too late for that.

i can't imagine work without marilyn. i can't imagine coming in and seeing her toolbox gone. it's still early and things change. i would like to believe that miracles still do happen and that marilyn will continue to live a long, healthy life. i'm trying very hard to believe, if only for her.

as far as filling marilyn's shoes, that will never happen. marilyn's boots should be bronzed and set in our work cell. with everything that has happened in my life lately, i'm still trying to keep my balance. i've been with this company for six months now and i'm just now beginning to feel comfortable with the job. i consider it a very great compliment indeed, especially coming from marilyn herself, to be considered anything like her.

****************

on a much lighter note regarding the evening, many of my fellow employees were quite shocked to see me looking like a woman. sarah and i had taken the time to actually wear something feminine last night. i ran late because i was busy baking all day at sarah's(my apartment has no counter space for rolling dough) and because the copper components i was waiting on finally arrived and i wanted to make this necklace to wear to the benefit. it turned out quite nice. it's definitely a cleavage necklace. it has pale blue-green chalcedony briolettes, teal green as well as a sort of pale green (almost celadon) color of freshwater pearls. i received compliments all night long on how pretty it was. and when sarah would tell them that i made it, they would just stare at me. one woman, marla, looked at me and said pointing at the necklace, "you can do that and you're tack-welding?"

i also turned out to be the highest bidder for one of the guys, rob, at the bachelor auction at the benefit. i have no idea what possessed me to keep raising my hand. jason, my old supervisor, had wanted to bid on rob and use him as a babysitter for his four kids. i'm still thinking about that. people kept walking by me all night wishing me good luck. sarah had suggested we leave a big box of condoms on his tool chest when we see him again with a little note telling him to get his rest! rob's reputation at work as a ladies man is not an urban legend. thankfully, i am not his type and will not have to worry about any overtures from him!

she's at it again

2006-01-14T01:21:00.000-08:00

kellie, that is. the friend who is always trying to set me up with someone. yes, she's still at it. she called one morning after work to ask if she could take my picture(there's a damn good reason you don't see it posted here). in my head all the alarms are going off and i ask her...

me: why would you want to do that?

kellie: because i can. i've got the digital camera. i can come over right now.

me: what's going on kellie?

kellie: what makes you think anything is going on?

me: i can hear it in your voice. who is he?

he turns out to be a guy that works with her. he's been divorced for four years or so who can't make up his mind whether he should build a modular home on his property or start dating again (???). kellie showed up to give me a lift to work that night with her camera. she ambushed me downstairs in the main entry and took a snap. thankfully, it came out rather dark since all you could see were my cheekbones.

kellie and i had a short girls night out and headed to the mall before work thursday night and she told me that before he even saw my picture he decided not to try. he says he's not ready for a big commitment and all that rubbish, to which kellie replied that neither was i. i honestly don't know why men think that all women they meet will automatically start picking out wedding dresses in 3 months. i consider myself informed on the matter now.

my exaltation on the new knowledge was short-lived however when i asked kellie if she intended to quit looking.

kellie: no! have you stopped looking?

me: i stopped looking a very long time ago.

kellie: but you need companionship, someone to go to the movies with and do things with.

me: i have a cat for companionship.

kellie: well, there are other kinds of companionship that i hope you don't use your cat for! i don't want to know...don't tell me!

*******

they say the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. i have come to learn that there is no such thing here in the desert. some days you find yourself walking a new path only to find out that you have been walking in circles with the wind clearing your steps behind you and the sun, that you thought you could tell time with and direct your way, that sometimes can be a mirage, too.

life's greatest mysteries

2006-01-10T10:52:00.000-08:00

i am a woman who loves words. i am a verbivore. you don't know what that is? i'll tell you later. it basically means i like words. like my food, i like them as natural as possible. not processed, butchered attempts at recreating words, but just stringing them together as they were meant to be.

having said that (i will say more soon), i have a bone to pick with the makers of 'magnetic poetry.' they are at the top of my list of life's greatest mysteries. i bought a box of 'magentic poetry for kids' a long time ago in an attempt to get the midget to appreciate the language. she put up things like 'i love mom' and 'home is silly.' occassionally, depending on my mood, she would rearrange the letters to read 'mom is silly.' that obviously, stayed on the fridge for quite awhile.

back to my boggle. i had started this lovely little poem that i will not repeat until it is completed and on the fridge where it belongs. what is it lacking? one word. one little word. one word that never should have been left out of the kids edition, especially. that word is wish.

i purchased a magentic poetry calendar the other day at the book store and guess what? it's not in there, either...ughhhhhh! what is the world coming to when creative kids (yes, me included) can't have the word wish at their disposal. we kids spend many hours wishing for different things (the midget wants her hair highlighted) and i think i've forgotten how because i can't have it to use it!!!!

ah yes, a copy of that rant will be sent to the makers of magnetic poetry..ASAP.

the second of life's greatest mysteries for me also has to do with words. not mine, but allegedly a.c. swinburne's. have you ever had one those little chocolate confections called a 'baci' (italian for kiss)? a lovely little hazel nut suspended in a chocolate cream inside a wafer shell covered in chocolate and rolled in nuts. yummmm. anyway, inside the wrappers are quotes. lovey-dovey romantic quotes that i generally gave to my guy friends to impress their girlfriends with. one of my supervisors, many years ago, let's say 11 years, gave me one to try and i found a rather nice quote by swinburne inside, at least it said it was by swinburne. the quote is ...'hide me inside you where the sweetest things are kept, between the roots of roses and spices.'

as much as i bemoan love and romance you know i'm a sentimental sap. i kept that quote in my wallet for 7 years. i wrote to the company that made the treats to see if they could give me an answer, but i never heard from them. i went to the library and checked out every book i could lay my hands on that contained anything of swinburne's words with no luck. i even tried looking through databases on the internet of swinburne's works to try and find what poem or letter it may have come from, but it still eludes me. i lost the wrapper about 3 years ago but i still remember the words.

these are the things that turn my hair gray, the greatest mysteries to me, in this life. what are yours?

i miss you all so.

tyler wharton, you have a call on line 2

2005-12-30T02:58:00.000-08:00

thankfully, there have been no more attempts of contact from mr. wharton in my dreams. or perhaps, i just can't recall them.

i did do a google search and came up with a 15yr old motocross rider. um, come back in 10yrs or so. i might be ready to do the mrs. robinson thing, then, but i won't rob the cradle now.

i also did a zabasearch as clint suggested and came up with two of them that live in provo utah, one of them born in 1979. that sounds promising but that is all i will do to search. if mr. wharton wishes to visit me again he obviously knows how to reach me.

*****

and yes clint, michael is the friend that i played five words with. he has said that they had a pretty nice christmas. the chow hall went all out and they didn't get shot at too much. that's sounds like a very merry christmas to me.

someone is calling me....

2005-12-27T02:48:00.000-08:00

i would like to think that the reason i am up so early this morning is because my sleep patterns have been affected by my job. in this instance, i don't believe that to be true.

i had a rather strange couple of dreams this morning. the first was a weird one about some of the people at the plant. it seemed to flow into the second one but i don't think they were connected in any way.

the second dream is the one that kept me awake this morning. i'm standing at this checkout counter getting ready to put makeup on layaway(i have no clue why it's makeup, i only wear a tinted moisturizer, mascara and lip gloss) when the cashier receives a phone call. she answers the callers question by telling them that she doesn't know a teresa m****n. i speak up informing her that the call is for me. she hands me the phone and i greet the caller. i hear this very nice male voice say "hello teresa, this is tyler wharton." and then the connection is disconnected and then i'm awake. i could see his name flashing before my eyes, repeating itself. i'm obviously supposed to remember this person's name for future reference. i hope he's not a bill collector or a politician, that would just make it a nightmare!

tyler certainly sounded very nice. and with such an abrupt ending to our introduction, such as it was, i think i'm going to do a little googling this morning to see what might come up.

and no, i've never met anyone named tyler wharton. i would like to know if anything ever comes of this in the waking world. or perhaps, he's my dream man and he's taking things very slow.

i just had a strange thought...maybe i'm like oda may in the movie 'ghost' and i can talk to the dead. oh please lord, not that....please!

oh, and i think the midget sleepwalks. i heard her up and about this morning at a very early time and she didn't turn on all the lights when she took her little stroll.

bah humbug

2005-12-26T14:22:00.000-08:00

that's pretty much been my mood lately. i haven't been reduced to tears this holiday season which has been a plus for me, but it still has not been the joy it should be.

i didn't decorate, at all, this year which is generally a big thing for me. the closest i came was buying a lovely black t-shirt with a rhinestone snowflake on the front to wear to the holiday party i had to go to.

and i just found out that ramona and kellie would like to use my apartment as a rest station for the first night festivities on new year's eve. um yeah, sure. i still have no idea what to make or provide for this and i'm apparently hosting.

i'm not depressed, i think i still have that lost feeling. it seems to linger about and fester occasionally.

good things that have happened recently are few, but very heartwarming for me. first, my friend, michael, in iraq has been in constant touch with me via email. we chat every other day or so and that has made me very happy. he is in one of those hot spots and i cringe whenever i hear the name of the town in news reports or when he doesn't respond very quickly. he is still the same as he was before he left and i am very pleased to read that the war has not changed him too badly. hopefully, it won't at all.

second, we have a new family member. her name is madeline. i call her maddy catty. i had heard horror stories from her previous owners after we had posession of her for a couple of days. i think she was rebelling since her former owner was allergic to cats and really couldn't spend any time with her. his philosophy was that since cats basically take care of themselves he shouldn't have to do more than feed her or clean out her box. i wonder if he applies this methodology to the women in his life, as well! it's my gain. she is very loving and easy to take care of. there was no getting used to the new people phase like some animals have. as soon as we let her out of the carrier, she moved in. she's funny as hell and enjoys spending time watching the pigeons outside my bedroom window for hours when she's not tearing up and down the hardwood floors for exercise! and yes, she sleeps with me.

i wish you all a wonderful, warm, safe holiday season with your nearest and dearest. my love to you all.

i think i shall go out and buy myself some new red lingerie. i hear that's an excellent way to start the new year. an old coworker of mine said that it meant you would find a man in the new year. yeah right, but i would like the red. it's oh so sexy peeking out from beneath a black t-shirt!

and to the blogger who called me a few days before christmas, thank you. it was delight talking to you and i sincerely hope you call again sometime!

"sparks of stars"

2005-12-03T05:36:00.000-08:00

"I would like to send you some sparks of stars that at the moment are waiting over so close to my door. Tiny ones yet glowing and sparking with hope. The hit of rough waters takes its tools on us but hey soon enough the water comes down and we are able to stand. Im sure this calm waters will reach you as it had reached me and the stars are on their way to you too. www.iamnasra.blogspot.com "

nasra left these words for me on the previous post yesterday. i am a child of the water. i would always find comfort in swimming. being rocked in the gentle waves as i swam in its depths. i can't do that here in illinois. i now have to find comfort by drawing a bath and waiting for the fatigue of life to melt away.

my trials have not been great but my life has been exhausting lately none the less. my visions of water have not been gentle but tormenting and drowning. but now we have snowfall and the world is so quiet. the torments are silenced and i walk in the early mornings while the world is dark and still asleep and i see stars at my feet where the snow glistens and i look up and see stars in the sky twinkling back. i am in awe of the conversation between the two and i fortunate to be the type of person who would appreciate, let alone notice, such a thing.

just as i am in awe of all of you who come here to leave me your kind words and considerations. you are all my "sparks of stars" that remind me that the water eventually recedes, that the skies will eventually clear, and that i will, again, be able to see the stars, that have always been there for me, shining brightly.

random thoughts

2005-11-26T04:02:00.000-08:00

i hope everyone had a pleasant turkey day with their family and loved ones. we had a nice day at a friend's house. it was quick and painless and i still have cranberry sauce left over!

my thoughts still keep turning to my friend, michael, who i played five words and exchanged books with. i was looking through a favorite ebay bookseller's page who had an obscure book that michael had given me to read once. i also still keep thinking about the poe book that never came in at the library. i cannot fathom a library not having any of poe's stories in one form or another other than on video!! that was easily remedied, though. i found a bargain edition of the collected works of poe at the bookstore while at work the other day. my daughter has absconded that to get an idea of what real gothic literature is like and not the type that is represented by those lovely haunting kids wearing black all the time.

yesterday was the midget's birthday. it had a couple of downward spiraling moments, but at the end of the day she was quite pleased. she got a cd of her favorite band, simple plan, as well as some other little things with the band on them. she also got 5 new books from the bookstore yesterday. she came into my room last night to tell me that she had read 3 of them already. one of them is the collected narnia stories. i know that will take a couple of days, at least....lol.

we had another surprise last night. my brother called. it was rather awkward for me talking to him. i'm sure he had been able to hear the disappointment in my voice whenever i reached his voicemail and not him when i would call. he asked how we were doing, he asked to talk to the midget and he asked if there was anything i wanted him to check on in storage. i rather wanted to scream at that point. he certainly has a way of making me feel like i've been set adrift with no land in sight. this whole ordeal over the last six months of moving here and starting over with none of our belongings has been a trial of sink or swim. i have to say there are some days i feel i'm barely treading water.

i'm a busy girl

2005-11-20T05:47:00.000-08:00

between working the two jobs and trying to catch up on missing sleep, i have been very busy and very tired.

this morning i am a cranberry sauce making fool. i am making it for three events coming up. i have to make sauce for 62 people for the church luncheon today at about 11. i haven't even started yet. i have to make more for work for monday night and i need to make some for the actual turkey day at a friend's house and she will have a house full, as well!

and, if that isn't enough, i am having a craving for cranberry orange muffins. so, at some point, i will have to make those, too.

i am good, the midget is good. she is getting an A in math which is a miracle for her. she has worked so hard for it. her birthday is coming up the day after thanksgiving and i would like to do something with her, though i'm not sure what yet. we saw the new harry potter movie yesterday and liked it. she, especially, got a thrill from seeing harry get into the tub. no tushie shots but you get to see him bare chested. she was quite delighted about that and i ribbed her about it.

what else is there...hmmm. nothing else at the moment. my friend, phil, called last night and said he would want to come out for a couple days next month near christmas. what he says and does are two very different things but i love the thought. my brother hasn't even called us once, not even to say hello.

i know that you are all very busy with your families with the holidays and what goes on in your daily lives. i just wanted to let each and every one of you know that i am thinking of you all warmly and that i wish you well.

love to you all, teresa

reminiscing

2005-11-06T04:37:00.000-08:00

i was just at GEL's site and she has a list of her favorite buttons. number 3 says "everything i need to know about life i've learned by reading banned books". that brought my mind back to high school when, as a junior, i was given a list of books that we were going to read that semester provided our parent signed a permission slip authorizing us to.

every one of the dozen or so books on the list were by american authors and considered controversial. books like johnny got his gun, slaughterhouse five, the jungle, and so many others i can't seem to recall at the moment.

what bothered me about the project was that i didn't think my mother would approve of the assignment and refuse to allow me to participate. i'm sure you can guess what i did. yes, i forged her signature and i read every single one of the books and received high marks for each one.

it wasn't until many, many years later, sometime after my mom passed away, that i realized that she would have signed it with out hesitation. not because she would have thought it would be good for me to read them but because we come from a family that likes to read and she would have never impeded me from doing what i loved, especially at school.

i, like many others, didn't have a lot of money growing up and there was no such thing as disposable income. every single penny went to something we needed. i would put books at the top of my very short christmas wish list and i received every single one i asked for. i remember one year that i had asked for the collected works of shakespeare and of poe and i received them both, among other things.

money is tight for me now, as well. yet, i try to let the midget know that if it is books she wants, i will try to jump the moon to get them for her. she has read her share of controversial books for kids her age such as, go ask alice. she read that a few years ago and read it again this year for her class. i read it when she first brought it to my attention those years ago when she wanted to read it. i had heard about it and knew of its contents and wanted to read it first before she did. we had a conversation about it before i handed it over to her with my blessing. i am fortunate that her mind is keen and thirsty like mine is. i am not thrilled at the fan fiction that she also likes to read but that is her preference and she is reading, so my complaints are nil.

it still amazes me that people feel that a book can harm them or threaten them. i simply cannot fathom that rationale. i, quite frankly, never want to. expand your mind a read a banned book today. wasn't the bible banned in some non-christian countries hundreds of years ago?