j.blog

Giving thanks

2006-11-22T22:45:00.000-08:00

today i give thanks for ...

the woman on flickr who takes self portraits every day and writes imaginative tales to go with them
the look of love in the eyes of my friends when i see them
the way drumming allows me to express otherwise unknowable pieces of me
murals on city walls
various friends i've never met
annie's alfredo macaroni & cheese with broccoli
that wonderful and frustrating thing called family
dancing
stretching
pushing the edges of my comfort to help me expand farther than i knew possible
those last 5 minutes in bed
the smell after a warm rain
the gut-wrenching agony of true loss
all the gadgets and gizmos i have available to play with
the multitudes of people who inspire me

i give thanks for patience, understanding, compassion and forgiveness
the remote and uninhabited places left in the world
mountains of snow and my feet strapped to a board (ha ha, when i first wrote that it said "bard")

i give thanks for grace and humility
i give thanks for hands-down, unapologetic living

i give thanks for ...
the mohawk i just gave myself
friends becoming parents and the little ones they bring into the world
puppies
power tools
the previous 2 items not being in the same place at the same time
self-love (no, not like that!) ... (okay, like that, too!)
how you can find out about almost anything on the internet
art so honest you can't look away
rumi, rilke, cummings, silverstein, and seuss
hot tubs
women who ride motorcycles and weld
chocolate cake
massage
doing things just because
me
you
yeah ... even you!

today i give thanks for life

jinx

2006-10-20T22:25:00.000-07:00

okay, so i totally jinxed myself yesterday. as i was walking to my train, i thought to myself, "maybe i'm wrong, maybe i don't get sick everytime everyone around me is sick." - because it's been like 2-3 weeks that i've been surrounded by sick people, and i was feeling fine.

this is something called foreshadowing. i learned it in high school and it still comes back to bite me in the ass sometimes.

yup. i'm sick. rather, to put it in more positive terms (read: silly northern california language) ... i am not at full wellness. some people think that illness is just a frame of mind. me .. i like to think it's from germs i get from spending an hour and a half of my day crammed into a small space with 100+ other people.

so be it.

my throat hurts, my head hurts, my body hurts, but it will pass.

against my better judgment and my desire to stay away from most western medicine, i just took some tylenol pm and some sudafed.

i should be trippin' any minute now ... that should be fun until i pass out. :)

FOUND

2006-10-10T10:13:00.000-07:00

so i sent this note into Found Magazine like, 2 years ago or longer. Back when Madhavi and I were still living together. I randomly did a Google search for my name just now and this came up as number two. strange.

No Brian

hello old friend

2006-09-29T08:30:00.000-07:00

So it’s been awhile since I last blogged. I’ve been taking a break from the computer to give my arms a rest. My RSI (Repetitive Stress Injury) in my right arm has been flaring up lately and that’s a sign that my body wants a break. So I took a couple weeks off before starting my new job and spent a week in Hawaii and then some time at Harbin Hot Springs and camping at Bruinslair.

A lot of the vacation time was to examine this rut I feel I’d been in: uninspired, unmotivated, unhappy … no fun! I spent a lot of time reflecting on an aspect of my personality that I want to change – that part of me that will spend time focusing on the one or two things I’m not happy about despite all the other amazing things in my life. I’d have to say that in the past few weeks, this has all shifted a lot …

My new job is exciting. I’ve been given some good projects to work on so far and they’ve been happy with my work (meaning both internal consultants and clients). It already feels like some of the more senior folks I’m working with want to move me along pretty quickly into a consultant position (though this will still probably take about a year). Until then, I’ll be most certainly learning a LOT, which I am very grateful for. Feels good to use my brain again for work. I could go on for pages about the office dynamics and the ironies and challenges … but I won’t. Suffice it to say, I like the people I am working with and I feel little to no hesitation to speak my mind.

I feel the need to “catch up” on blogging, but I don’t want to do that. I want to get away from the ‘reporting’ blog style I’ve adapted and back into just exploring thoughts and creative storytelling … so look for more of that later.

There’s this woman on flickr whom I have a huge crush on who takes only photos of herself with a phone camera - mostly from odd angles and always catching some movement in time. She is a writer and composes these beautiful snippets of prose revealing glimpses of colorful tales. I think she lives in iowa.

That’s all I have to say for now.

classic

2006-08-19T11:34:00.000-07:00

Mahna Mahna

who's the man?

2006-08-17T16:43:00.000-07:00

i am.

got the job.
sucessfully negotiated a higher salary.
got an office.
and i have 24 days of freedom before i start working!!

so ... looking into trips to hawaii or central america (maybe mexico). any recommendations?
it has to be relatively cheap - i'll be using school loan money i haven't used yet, so the cheaper the better.

i won't have a real vacation for at least a year, so I think i should get away for 7-10 days while I can. maybe just a week followed by a week of camping when i return?

all that and other good things.

life, at this moment, is very enjoyable!!

anew

2006-08-12T07:43:00.000-07:00

feels like life is turning a corner. things feel more certain, more grounded. i like that. i need that. the things i want in my life are beginning to appear.

two words: top candidate. i found out yesterday that i am the top candidate for the project mananger position at the consulting firm i have been interviewing with. this, as far as i'm concerned, means i'll be getting an offer next week after my final interview. this means i can finally FINALLY stop being so concerned about money all the time. not that i'll be raking in mass amounts of cash or anything, but i'll have a salary that actually pays the bills and leaves some room for paying off loans and saving. i like the firm a lot too. it feels good there. they have a great culture and work philosophy - at least for a consulting firm. i like the people. i like the location. so ... if all goes well ... i'll be employed full time starting in sept.

which means ...

regardless of the outcome, i'm quitting my internship next week. i hate it there. truly hate it. it's killing me and sucking out my soul as it happens. no more. 6 months has been long enough. i learned what i went to learn and there is nothing there for me now. good riddance.

so ...

assuming i get this job and i have 3 WEEKS to spare, i will decide next week (after an offer is made/accepted) if i want to hop on a plane and go somewhere to relax before heading into a new chapter of life. where would i go? i want to go to cuba, but there's not enough time to figure out the details. alaska? hawaii? bali? brazil? or do i stay here, go camping a lot, go to burning man and lay low?

aside from all that, there are some other things in my life that i am very excited about at the moment. these things are going to be left under wraps at the moment, selectively revealed. i like keeping some things to myself ... projects, collaborations, connections ... things that bring me both inspiration and joy. more to come.

one thing i need to do is change some lifestyle habits ... get off the computer more, stretch more, more awareness of eating slowly and intentionally. my RSI is bugging me lately and that is a good sign that i haven't been paying attention to my body. i'm looking forward to having some time off from work to be outside and get back in touch with myself - celebrating the good things in my life, right here, right now.

this is it.

update:

2006-08-10T07:57:00.000-07:00

interview went very well, i believe. what i know now is that i am one of the top two candidates and i will find out today or tomorrow if i am the number one candidate after yesterday. if so, i will be called back for one final interview next tuesday to meet with one more SVP that i would be working with a lot. seems like that would be a formality as she would just have to meet me and say yea or nay, but if the other 4 have already chosen me as #1, then it seems likely the job would be mine.

so ... now i wait ...

for those of you i am about to rock ...

2006-08-09T07:34:00.000-07:00

i salute you.*

today is my second interview for a job that i really want. i found out last night that my interview is essentially with 4 top dogs of the organization. i feel ready, confident, on top of my game. i generally do very well under pressure and in interviewing and public speaking. i was thinking last night that i can't remember any job that i actually got into the interview phase that i didn't end up getting an offer for. perhaps that's just really good selective memory.

when waking this morning, it occured to me that how i perform today may very well dictate my future. perform well (i.e. be myself) = a high probability that i'll get the job i want and start, for the first time in my life, moving toward a career (ewwww!). perform not so well (i.e. be unfocused, dispassionate, etc.) = a lower probability i would get the job and then have to do something that i don't at all want to do ... look for another job! (double ewwww!)

so i've decided i'm just going to get the job. more over, i'm going to be offered a good salary and i'll end up with 3 weeks or so before i have to start - during which time i'll dip in to my school loan money a bit and go travel somewhere.

so now that that is settled ...

actually, the advent of that occuring will be more relief than i can describe. there has been so much psychic energy tied up into 'job search' for so many months now, it will be a great relief to have that done with.

i am going to miss a summer full of 4 day weekends, however.

there's a bunch of other stuff i could blather on about and will soon. my RSI has been bugging me for the past week, so i'm limiting my computer use to let it chill out.

hot metal! oh, yeah!

2006-07-24T17:46:00.000-07:00

what's hotter than a leather-clad angelina jolie wielding a riding crop?

hot metal, that's what.

really hot metal. like molten metal hot.

what's this got to do with anything?

i learned how to weld yesterday. it was ... hawt!

the best part? i still have all my fingers and toes!

i have some crazy friends who are building a cathedral on the playa this year for burning man. in exchange for some help, they've been teaching people how to weld. yesterday i was working on a few of the steel trusses that will make the arches in the center of the 40ft. structure. (see below)

welding is certainly both a skill and an artform. i'm actually pretty good at it for a first time welder and am interested to learn more and create my own thinga-ma-bob someday. hell, even using the plasma cutter to cut out designs in the burn barrels looked fun!

oh yeah, and women in welding gear? ..... hot!

dear blog

2006-07-21T18:12:00.000-07:00

dear blog,

what can i say? life is good these days. there continues to be so much up in the air and i'm a little worried about finding a good job soon, but i know it will all come about as it should.

the past weekend was one of the best i can remember in recent months. it's hard to believe that just a few months ago i was wondering how i was going to make it to the next day and then noticing myself in a time where i wanted every second to last forever. it occurs to me that this is the type of thing i would write had i just fallen in love, but that's not it. in fact, it's probably better than that because the joy i'm feeling is intrinsic rather than a result of any other person coming into my life.

so what was this past weekend all about? it was the 7th annual campout event that the rhythm society has created. i co-lead the event with my partner in crime, shanti. we had a stellar team that allowed me to trust them so much that i was able to let go of being "on" all the time and, for the first time, was able to relax for most of the event and play and interact without the nagging feeling that i should be checking on something. i felt at peace.

in addition to that, it felt so good to have created an event where, everywhere you looked, there were people laughing and smiling and dancing and the air was just filled with joy and openness and freedom - freedom from stress, from worry, from tension. i met some amazing people and connected with others that i have known peripherally for a long time, but have never really spoken with at length.

i also got treated like a king a few times. thursday night i was given a shoulder and neck massage by one friend while being fed pie by another. saturday afternoon i was given an hour and half long massage during which a second massuese joined in. 4 hand massage? booyah!

it was also a very musical weekend for me. on friday, i played my drum kit along with a DJ for awhile. on saturday, i participated in a small, impromptu drum circle that drew a small crowd of dancers, poi spinners and hula-hoopers. later that night, i played my kit again with a small unpracticed band while the masses (200+ people) ate dinner on the lawn. and on sunday i DJ'd for the first time. that was the most fun of all ... playing music i love (really loud!) for dozens of naked people dancing and swimming and lounging around the pond. a few people even came up to me to tell me it was their favorite DJ set of the weekend. oh my!

the land up at camp and sons is blessed. i noticed that as soon as i arrived, i relaxed and felt an innate sense of peace and joy. they've done a lot to infuse the land with creativity, positivity and love. jane and walter are very generous and gracious hosts and i am thankful that we found them so many years ago and continue to return each year.

i think the best part of the weekend overall was how well i dealt with the parts of me that get down on myself about certain things. i was fairly easily able to cast those thoughts aside and just 'be'. that felt good.

well, as is usual, i tend to poop out on writing before all my thoughts are expressed and, well, you'll just have to deal. the weather has been outrageously gorgeous this past week and it's just too damn nice to sit inside and type at a computer ...

another

2006-07-07T18:54:00.000-07:00

wow, what a couple of weeks it’s been since maine. Busy busy busy. I love it and it bothers me. I love how much I can accomplish when I am pressed to the wire with commitments. I tend to be so much more productive when I have less time to get things done. Generally, i excel like this when it has to do with planning and coordinating something because I'm so good at it – it’s less easy when things are unfamiliar to me, but I’m working on that. It bothers me because I tend to not do as well taking care of myself (taking time to slow down, relax, get outside, etc.), and I’m working on that too! Balance. It’s all about balance!

These past several weeks have been spent planning Jon’s bachelor’s party (where *do* you find 100 chickens and bulk honey for less than $500???) and the Rhythm Society 3-day campout event at camp and sons. I always forget the massive amount of tiny fires that surface when an event draws near. But I love it because I feel capable in handling them and dealing with it. My goal is to always treat the people I am working with with respect, trust and maintaining an environment of fun collaboration and inspiration toward creating something that others will enjoy and get something meaningful from.

I find when I start generating this kind of energy, more is drawn to me.

That’s what needs to happen in the dating realm, I think. I’ve been dating a lot over the past couple months, but haven’t really felt like anything is being created from that. I’ve had a lot of fun with the various women I’ve been out with and am looking forward to other potential dates. Dating is a new thing for me in my life; I’ve always been a relationship guy. So I am finding that it’s difficult to find ease around being in the space of dating and not getting wrapped up in stupid questions or games. I feel like I am doing fairly well with it all, and yet I am challenged by taking on the role of the pursuer. It's been nice to take a little break these past two weeks as i've been so busy with everything else. i find i want the companionship and intimacy, but not the hurdles to get there. not that i want to bypass the "getting to know you phase" - i like that - i just don't like the part before that when you're trying to figure out if you want to get into the "getting to know you phase."

and this is the part of the post where my desire to write has gone kaput ... before all things in my head have been said.

oh well. motivation - she is a fickle beast.

here again

2006-06-23T09:10:00.000-07:00

i'm back at my apartment/flat after a very trying travel day (more on that later).

as we were flying into oakland this morning, i noticed a slight sinking feeling in my body. the faint questions arose, "what am i coming back to? what do i have to look forward to?"

this immediately spurred the thought, "did i leave something behind?" (as in, did some aspect of my life really "stop" when I left the bay area for maine that i am now returning to?)

a slight taste of melancholy in my mouth, i realized that there was something missing in my interpretation of coming back to SF ... coming home. my association created this missing feeling because my apartment is not my 'home', it is merely where i live.

home is where i am. this is a concept that i embraced when i've traveled around the world for months on end. it all begs the question (for me), "what is home and why does coming back to SF leave me feeling a little melancholy?"

it makes me aware of misplacing my attention on "what's to come" versus what's right here and now.

it's all something to consider.

***

the trip home was ... eventful. my first flight from portland to d.c. was fine. i had an hour+ layover in d.c., which was spent mostly on the computer. as i was walking toward the gate, however, i bumped into an aquaintance - a guy named gita whom i've had brief, though intimate, connections with. turns out we were on the same flight and, though full, there was an extra seat next to him in the second row of the exit aisle (which, by the way, are the best seats on a plane b/c not only do you have the extra leg room, but the seats tilt back as well - unlike when there is only one row).

having a friend to unexpectedly sit next to was helpful as we SAT ON THE TARMAC FOR 5.5 hours waiting out a fabulous lightning storm. the storm was so intense that we couldn't even go back to the gate b/c the airport was shut down and they weren't letting the ground crew out. we eventually did go back to the gate b/c they had to fix one of the bathrooms and refuel before taking off 6 hours behind schedule. sigh. a 12 hour flight from d.c. to sf.

it was great to hang out and talk with gita - he and i have a lot of similar learnings recently about ourselves and relationships, etc.

and now i am home after a little sleep getting back into the details of all the things i am juggling, wondering what's next and what's most important for me to really put my attention on. i feel tired and yet refreshed after the trip to maine with a new perspective on my life here in the big city.

firefly

2006-06-19T19:27:00.000-07:00

moments like these are when you can really just sit back and appreciate the goodness of life.

kevin and i just got back from getting some ice cream in town, which we scooped into cups and went out on the back deck to eat in the darkness of a warm summer night. what made it especially especial was the firefly show in the woods just before the lake; the darkness erupting in short bursts of light from all directions and heights, some practically overhead.

there simply is no substitute for enjoying a moment like that with a good friend and having the chance to just relax and shoot the shit for awhile before heading to bed in a tent.

maine is in my heart. it always will be. i do so love it here.

a collection of thoughts; part 3

2006-06-18T19:20:00.000-07:00

context of being:
it occurred to me many weeks ago the confinement of my own thoughts. i had been thinking about what it would be like to pack up all my stuff and/or sell most of it and then go live somewhere else and do something unrelated to who i've been in the past 33 years ... like, move to india and work as a hotel busboy or to open a small market in senegal. something radically different. the eruption of thoughts that ensued enabled me to see the rigid context i have been living in with regards to what's possible for me. it's refreshing to open up those restraints and see the much wider scope of possibility and recognize that those alternate lives do not happen because i am not choosing them rather than them not being possible.

it's beginning to feel like i am slowly reinvigorating creativity, openness, innocence and moving away from a set context of being. it's like my life has been moving in pre-set tracks that i willingly have followed and am once again recognizing that those tracks are imaginary and there are an infinite number of tracks to choose from. my all-too-linearly-developed mind had forgotten that.

maine day three (a take-home message):
seatbelts are wonderful. wear them. and get insurance while you're at it (health, dental, renters). i don't want to condone living in a fear mentality, but more so a 'prepared' mentality. hopefully you can say on your death bed, "well, that was a waste of money, i never needed any of my insurances!". trust me on this. we visited kevin's dad in the hospital today. he is one lucky muther. in talking with doctors around the country, he should be dead or paralyzed ... he's one of the lucky ones and we still don't know to what extent he will recover.

back to seatbelts ... have you ever seen someone in a halo? you know, the contraptions that keep your neck immobilized by screwing 6 screws into your skull and attaching it to your torso? it doesn't look pleasant. fortunately bill is one bad-ass man and is handling it fairly well. oh, and then there's the drugs. they help too.

job hunt:
the consulting firm i did some consulting with has a job opening in the department i want to work for. the job is a step below where i would want to be, but i could do the job well and it is customarily used as a stepping stone to being an organizational consultant. i'm thinking about taking it (not that it's been offered yet, but i know they'll want me (i'm more than qualified, they know i do great work and am interested in more). there's a lot of perks like good insurance and it's IN SAN FRANCISCO! that is a HUGE thing for me. i really don't want to commute to palo alto or freemont everyday ... and if it sucks, i can always get out. it beats being at the CPUC right now and i really like the people at the firm. so there are a lot of reasons to take it. reasons against: it's not a dream job ... but then, i don't know what is right now, so why not do something i enjoy and am good at, make some decent money and get a taste for the business?? things to think about: am i selling out and taking an easy route as opposed to waiting to find something that has a bigger "YES" attached to it. i'll apply and continue to think about it. right now the thought of having a decent job sounds great and like a good first step. there's something to be said for the way it kind of fell into my lap as well ... based on some work i did for them and then an online discussion with the hiring manager about maine (not knowing she was the hiring manager at the time). i'll keep you posted.

maine stay

2006-06-16T23:33:00.000-07:00

it's been a wonderful first day with the callahan's. i arrived late last night after a day of travel. i left the portland airport at midnight for the last hour and a half drive to kevin & kelly's. the drive was fantastic ... though it was dark outside, i could tell i was in maine. i love this state. there were several moments last night when i would pass a evergreen-lined lake illuminated by a large orange moon just abouve the horizon. sheer beauty. i found a good radio station and cranked up the speakers in the rental car and made my way north with a smile on my face and joy in my heart.

today was spent doing what i could to help out around the house. it started with the obligatory trip to the local bakery where they make some kickass donuts. i mean ... donuts! in maine! does life get any better??? only with bacon. i think one of these days i'm going to open a store that only sells the things that i like: donuts, bacon, macaroni & cheese, peanut butter, jazz, funk, chill music, camping gear, drums, chocolate cake and snowboards. of course, there's room to expand. there would probably be an adult section. and a kids section. to edify the different sides of people. donuts and bacon would be the link in the middle. :)

the rest of the day was spent helping kelly around the house, playing with raelin, mowing the lawn, emptying and relocating a sandbox and a little chill time with kevin. oh, and i of course got to meet Liam who is now 5 weeks old!!

my two favorite moments of the day:

1. Raelin telling me as we are brushing our teeth, in a very matter-of-fact tone, "Liam had a blowout yesterday." (referring to his poop exploding out the sides of his diaper). (Raelin just turned 3, btw).

2. Mowing the lawn. I *love* mowing the lawn and they have a lot of it. I find it very meditative, despite the sound of the engine. I love the smells, I love the gratification of mowing smaller and smaller patches of tall grass. I love the physical effort of pushing a mower up a hill. It's almost as good as using a chainsaw. Maybe better. Maybe. I love the symmetry of the grass when done. It reminds me of how fascinated I was with Zambonie's when I was a kid (the machine's that they use to clean the surface of the ice on ice rinks). Okay, I *still* want to drive a zambonie one day. And bigger tractors. And operate one of those large construction cranes and demolition balls. and ...

I'm writing this by the way from a tent in the yard. It's warm, the stars are out. Life is good.

And it feels especially good to be here with the callahans helping out in what ways I can. I am deeply grateful for all the people who contributed funds to helping me get out here. I couldn't have come without their help and I know how much I and Kevin and Kelly appreciate it. It looks to be a wonderful week.

girls are evil

2006-06-16T19:14:00.000-07:00

just so there's no confusion. it's scientifically proven:

goin' to maine

2006-06-12T22:00:00.000-07:00

on thursday i'm flying to maine to be with my friends k&k. i'm really looking forward to it. not just because i get to see them, play with 'r' and meet the new one, but because i get to help them.

[tangent]
i noticed recently that there is a part of me that feels bad admitting that i like to help people. the question is often asked, "do you think people need help?" and it's pretty much always asked in an hidden accusatory manner - as if people needing help is a bad thing. at least that's how it feels. i do think people need help ... sometimes. i know i do. i get that people react to being helped when they don't want it/need it because it can make you feel powerless, untrusted, and invaded. but that's not the kind of help i like giving, even if i do it sometimes without thinking. it's a fine line sometimes. and the difference, it seems, is in the intention behind why you help someone. is it because i just want to be helpful and contribute to their life? or is it because i think they can't do what it is they are trying to do or what i think they *should* be doing? the former = yea! the latter = yuk.
[/end tangent]

so k&k just had their second child a few weeks ago. since then, his parents came out to visit and his father suffered a stroke while driving alone, which lead to a car accident in which he broke vertebrae in his upper spine. from what i understand, everything is looking pretty good right now for a full or mostly-full recovery. and it will also be a long road. on top of all this 'k' runs his own business and lives 1.5 hours away from the hospital where his father is. i can't even begin to understand what the emotional overwhelm of their situation feels like. and so i'm heading out there to lend some support, help around the house, play with the kids, etc.

it's been a bit of a challenge to get everything taken care of so i can get out of here for a week. times like this illuminate for me just how complicated my life is with all its little parts. i love it and most of everything that i am doing, but it sure gets to be a lot. i tend to slightly over-commit b/c i like to be busy. i often get a lot more done when my schedule is tight than when i have too much free time ... so i'd almost rather have a lot to do or nothing at all.

my LIT project is flailing a bit. it's that damn indecision i am not comfortable with. it's interesting to notice just how often i try to distract myself from heading into unknown waters. in finding the discipline to sit in one place and brainstorm ideas for the project, i notice how quickly my mind wanders. so tricky, so tricky. i'm curious what it's all about. i'm curious about my lack of enthusiasm for my project - what does that mean? is it resistance or is it just a simple lack of interest in the project itself? hmmm ... certainly some fertile ground to explore.

more on that later ... much to do, much to do ...

the warrior

2006-06-10T00:19:00.000-07:00

changes are happening in my life recently. this reluctant optimist over here started paying attention to his thought patterns. stopped listening to the ones that were stopping him so much, turned up the volume on the ones that sang the tune he wanted to hear. it's all just a story anyway, why not choose the one we want?

for most of my life i've felt pretty small and weak. makes no difference whether or not there is any truth to that image. but why not create one that i want? how about ... the warrior. the one who kicks ass in every area of his life. the one who is free. the one who stands up for his convictions.

i get more and more how much a game this all is. life. i used to hear that phrase and felt like it cheapened life b/c i didn't understand what it meant. i took "game" to mean 'trite', that life was a whim. but that's not what it means.

i've spent too much of my life thinking certain thoughts such as: i am not good enough, i am not smart enough, i am not good looking enough and finding evidence to support those thoughts. ignoring the fact that i could be having the exact opposite thoughts: i am good enough, i am smart enough, i am good looking and find as much evidence to support those thoughts. that's the game. it's all a story. every moment is new. there is no past, there is no future. all that is, is now. make it whatever you want it to be. so maybe life itself is not the game, but how we chose to live it is.

consciousness in every moment and every action/absence of action is a choice. free from the constraint of useless self-limitations. not free from fear, necessarily, or worry or doubt ... but free to make choices when confronted with any emotion or situation. a victim to nothing. responsible for every choice made or not made.

so why not play with archetypes?

kind-hearted warrior. vigilant. compassionate. unapologetic. present.

sure beats the hell out of thinking that i can't do something or i am not good enough. and thusfar, the experiment is working. things are appearing in my life that weren't available to me before. perhaps that's just a matter of me not looking, perhaps it's a metaphysical phenomenon ignited by thought patterns and energy, perhaps it's all just random. who knows? does it matter?

what matters to me is fun, joy, growth, love, and connection. and so that is the framework that i'm choosing to see my life through. i'll keep you posted.

Punk Rock Kickball, the fifth

2006-06-04T13:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was our 5th annual punk rock kickball game.

There was the Dead Kennedys, beer for bases, beer in hair, tackling, wrestling, swearing, bloodshed and a little bit of kickball thrown in. It's one of the best days of the year and a damn good excuse to wear eyeliner.

See for yourself:

PRKBV

I was a little sad to see so few of the orignal gang around, but there were enough of the veterans to represent. People are already asking about next year.

stepping into leadership

2006-06-01T06:31:00.000-07:00

life has been on the high speed lately. rather, it feels like i have a lot to do and yet i do still find space in my schedule for 'fuck off' time. sometimes it seems like i do that too much, other times it feels necessary. i often wonder what i would accomplish if i had less of it.

and wonder no more ...

i think i alluded to a project i am undertaking for the leadership training program. each person in the program committed to a 6 month project that would advance their leadership in some capacity, push their boundaries, challenge that part of them that feels that something is impossible, evoke their values, is outside the realm of what they are naturally good at, and is measurable. basically, there should be a mixture of excitement and "oh shit" when thinking about it - that's a good indication that we are on the right path - something we want and would otherwise likely avoid doing.

my project, in concrete terms, is to design, create and conduct a workshop of some sort. i don't know what it is going to be about yet. which leads me to the much deeper aspect of my project, because in essence, it is not about the workshop.

my project is about trusting myself and believing that I have something of value to offer the world. it is about tapping into that which inspires me, that which fuels me and that which i believe in ... and then offering that to others as something that will help them. it is about helping others, coming from that place that i know i have gifts in healing and where i want to contribute to others living the lives that they want. it may be about carving a niche for myself in the work i want to be doing - and at the very least exploring one path to get a better sense of what i want to do more specifically.

the challenge for me is not in the creation of the workshop so much as it is finding what it will be about. the workshop design will certainly be challenging and a lot of work and i know it will be confronting in a lot of ways. the crux of the project, however, is in getting through whatever barriers i have to seeing what i have to offer that is uniquely mine.

it actually pisses me off quite a bit. it seems so fucking simple in many ways and i can see how, for someone else, this would be ridiculously easy. to some extent i am very in touch with what inspires me and at the same time i haven't yet figured out how and why that would be something that i would create a workshop around - something that would be of value to others. to another extent, i get stuck thinking that whatever i create has to be better than what others have created to be of value. that's a huge hurdle for me. the mental dialogue is something like, "why would anyone chose to participate in a workshop i've created on (x), when that person has a workshop on (x) and they've been doing it for 20 years!"

and that is a major part of my project ... getting through the crap like that that stops me from doing things that i want to do.

it is about leaving the realm of 'follower' which i do so well.
it is about leaving the realm of 'leader' only when i feel like i really know what i am doing.

it is about stepping into being a leader in my life and in being that, stepping through the doubts and self-limiting thoughts that hold me back.

i also see where all this mental chatter is a load of bullshit and something i want to drop and just fucking 'be'. i am guilty of deconstructing things a lot, wanting to understand all the ways of being (ahem ... yes, i've studied a lot of psychology) ... and i love it and want to escape it at the same time.

given that ... all the stuff above is awesome and i love thinking about it and learning and growing.
and there's a big part of me that sees how it is all just a sliver of this game of life and that there is so much more outside of that slice of pie. it's just one that i am focusing on for the moment and i trust that it is serving me in some way.

you may now call me master

2006-05-24T06:34:00.000-07:00

i'm done.

two years of hard work and giving up so many things that i love to do in order to focus on school ... weekends spent indoors studying, missed parties, a sabbatical from my mens group, lost connections with friends, savings account drain ... and on. and on.

people ask me how i feel about it and if i'm having some kind of graduation party. i haven't set up any kind of celebration. i feel proud of myself for staying with the program and creating the discipline i needed to finish at the top of my class. but i haven't looked at it as something to create a huge hubbub about.

there is one thing that i will reserve the right to brag about here in my blog ... my grades. in many ways, grades don't really matter so much in grad school ... you either get a degree or you don't. there's a part of me that wants to be modest about that, and i will be in my day to day life, but here in the semi-private forum, i'll toot my own horn for a second and share that i am graduating with a 4.0 gpa. if i hadn't worked my ass off for that grade, i wouldn't care so much ... but i did. and that feels good.

it's important to me b/c i wanted to know that i could apply myself and achieve something that i wasn't sure i could. my undergrad grades are decent, but i was very distracted in undergrad with more time spent in bands and the theater than on school.

so there's a lot of other stuff going on .. new projects and commitments, dating, looking for a dream job ... but that will all have to wait. i'm still catching up with the ever-constant list of "things that have to get done." i'm going camping this weekend and will use that as a re-charge time. i'm going to write some vision statements around some various projects i'm working on and spend some time meditating and getting clear on how i want to use my time and energy.

for now ... you can call me master.

[the stupid thing is that, when i was a kid, the cards that came in the mail were always addressed to: Master "jblog". I'm not sure when I lost that title, but it sure was a hell of a lot of work to get it back again.

And don't worry, even though I'm not a "doctor", I'm good at pretending. "oh nurse!"

new life

2006-05-16T23:03:00.000-07:00

there's a new callahan in the world and that's a good thing. my friends K&K had a son over the weekend. their second child. i am so happy for them and bummed that we don't live closer to each other that i can go over there and meet this brand new adorable person face to face.

sounds like they are all doing very well and i am very happy for them!

results

2006-05-14T22:11:00.000-07:00

i got the results of my comprehensive exams on friday. good news. i passed 4 of the 5 exams and have to go in to defend the last one. it's what i expected. i knew that the last hour of the 8 hour exam process wasn't my best and that the final exam didn't reflect my knowledge on the topic. turns out the same is true for the others as well ... everyone has to defend their answers on the final essay or two.

i think asking people to write 5 consecutive exams over the course of 8 hours - with only 30 minutes break for lunch - is a little unreasonable. i mean, it's probably nothing in comparison to ph.d exams or like, the bar, or something ... but still.

anyway, i'm happy. i know i'm going to pass now and that, in less than two weeks, i'll have my masters degree in hand and then i can go get drunk and figure out what the hell i want to do with my life! or at least that next weekend. i'm going camping for sure - gettin' the hell outta dodge - because ... i ... can!

in short:
fuck yeah!

wind rattles the windows

2006-05-12T23:36:00.000-07:00

the wind rattles the windows as the severed cord outside my window taps against the glass. what happens in the absence of distraction? i have become a master of it. something calls me to unplug, settle, be ... and i am drawn back in to a web of uselessness and disguise. putting time, energy, focus on the banal. tuning in and then tuning out. time better spent would be ... what?

i spent time at the ocean today. the ever-present movement, sound, breeze, allows me to be more still. there are two paths: discovery or complacency. i walk both. one foot in each track. resigned and fighting it all the way. all i need now are flip-flops to complete the picture. do you want the red pill or the blue?

i seek truth. i seek my unobstructed path, but the nature of life is that it is obstructed. that is truth.

someone said recently that life is just a series of well-managed mistakes. in one sense i agree, in another sense i think it's ridiculous. the word mistake assumes that there was a right way. that's exactly the duality that i attempt to unlearn ... right/wrong, black/white, good/bad. i often see life as choosing one thing or another ... not both. so why not both?

i think the greatest struggle is how we try to bring union to the physical and the metaphysical. in the greater reality, they are one and the same. yet, our minds are limited and cannot truly comprehend that which is outside ourselves. experiencing it is one thing, making sense of it is a fun, but ultimately futile endeavor.

so as i sit pondering the task i have at hand for LIT - to choose a project that, over the next 6 months, will unleash my leadership, serve my values, and manifest some shift in possibility - i wonder which game to play and how i can play both. game one is simply to put all energy into depth, understanding, silence, stillness, connection, peace, harmony, balance, truth, god. game two is to be here now and play, forget understanding, have fun, do things, engage, bounce around, ricochet, act and react.

am i being obtuse? probably. why not?

i see two avenues that really are one, but feel like two. i want to engage in both. i want to live in the parameters of daily life as it is decreed by experience and never let go of knowing that there is so much more outside my linear existance.

aw, fuck it. i'm even confusing myself. i know what i mean, and words are just getting in the way of that.

to sum it all up: i need a haircut.