bunchojunk.com more articles

welcome to bunchojunk.com

2020-12-31T16:25:00.000-05:00

My Disney Cruise: Day 3

2009-10-16T07:50:00.004-05:00

As we creep into Thanksgiving, I am really feeling silly that I haven't finished my report on my Disney Cruise from this summer.

It's not laziness that has keeping me from finishing this... it's really the fact that there isn't anything to joke about in it.

So don't really expect to be amused as I present:

DAY 3:
We docked at Castaway Cay which is Disney's private island. I wrote about day 1 and 2 so long ago that I don't even remember what happened then. But I do remember day 3.

The island was awesome. Really well done. Chip and Dale were there:

They are normally naked, but when they go to the beach they put on 1920s era swimsuits.

Odd.

Also just off the coast is the Flying Dutchman ship from Pirates of the Caribbean:

I thought that was pretty cool.
On the island they had hermit crab races. Basically they would draw a circle on the ground, toss in some crabs and then watch them wander out of the circle.

They don't like it if you eat the winning crab, I found out.

Stitch served as a DJ on the island. He also claimed to be dating Lyndsay Lohan (is that funny? I can't really tell at this point.)

Here is a photo:

This happened too.

Here is a picture of Mitchell Musso rockin' my socks off during a deck party.

Seriously, if I go see him again I won't wear any socks. (NOTE- replace with funny joke before publishing)
He plays Hanna Montana's brother, BTW.

Turn down service always included a towel animal in your room:

I stayed at a Red Roof Inn once and found an actual animal in my towel. I don't find these things as cute since then.

That night was Pirate night.

I wore my Pirates' hat:

That is probably the best I can do for humor here. I hope you loved it.

DAY 4 coming... soon? Probably not.

The Nasty Boys

2009-10-05T09:24:00.002-05:00

I don't have much to say about this... except for I MET THE NASTY BOYS!

I know, it really isn't that impressive. I met bigger stars before. Heck, I met The Rock. These guys aren't really that important to the history of wrestling, but there was something so cool about meeting them.

For starters, Knobbs is Hulk Hogan's best friend. I met Hulk Hogan, too but meeting Knobbs seems funnier.

Actually, it's not fair to say Knobbs is Hogan's best friend. But he is tied for the top spot with Brutus Beefcake who was standing about 10 feet away.

Anyway, here is an exceptionally stupid video of The Nasty Boys from the mid 1990s:

It starts out with The Nasty Boys telling us that they are going to the Maryland Science Center. They make some comment that the building isn't nastycized enough. But, they go inside anyway. Then they build a Lego tower with some kids. Then Scaggs presses a button that makes the Legos fall apart.

Actually, they don't fall apart so Knobbs has to push them over and pretend to be angry.

Next they encounter a big set of round metal balls. I am sure Knobbs was dying to do a Robocop joke.

A bearded Rick Moranis guy turns the set of balls on and the static electricity is supposed to make Knobbs' mullet stand up. It doesn't really work.

Then Saggs runs off and leaves Knobbs. I am starting to realize why Hulk Hogan chose Knobbs as his buddy.

Later Knobbs runs into a lady that looks like my friend Ted's mom.

I wish you knew her. You would laugh so much.

Maybe I should take a photo with her and then write a poorly written post about it.

Now, if you excuse me, I have to go nasticize.

youtube Junk #3 The Doughnut/Donut Edition

2009-09-28T10:09:00.004-05:00

Here is a gem from the past:

Yep, that's WWE Legend Don Muracco eating a doughnut. Or a donut. I don't care how you want to spell it... but if you know what a "bear claw" is I would love to know.

Anyway, that video is one of the greatest wrestling promos I have ever seen... involving a donut.

But... is it the greatest... donut eating... video ever? Does a better video... even exist? Is it... on youtube? Is my use of ellipses just awkward... and wrong?

Here is a video:

Nice. I especially like music and his poster of WWE wrestler Batista... not quite Don Muracco, but very nice.

How about a video of a groundhog eating a donut...?:

Yeah, that rocks. I love how the zoom on his camera sounds like someone is dialing on to AOL in 1996. Also, at the end you hear some whispering that does not seem groundhog related. I like to imagine they are talking about what types of scented soaps they use... and Batista... and what soap he might use.

I love this next one:

Everything about it makes it awesome.
First: Black cat eating a doughnut... Awesome.
Second: Meticulously neat display of bottle cap magnets... Awesome.
Third: Rhymes with turd... Awesome.
Fourth: Footage in the background of Drew Carey juggling a mic... Awesome.

I don't get British comedy:

The title card tells us some guy named Bungle eats a donut... in one. It seems that that means 'in one bite.' I am not sure that that is a typo or some British slang.
Anyway, after sticking the donut in his mouth he chases another guy around (why isn't there Benny Hill music on this clip???) and someone screams "Donutman!"
Then he almost chokes on it and it sounds like British Cookie Monster takes possession of the camera and says "Bloater... yum yum yum."

Moving on:

In this clip Fleetwood Mac (I think) plays in the background as some lady jams a whole donut in her mouth as some guys says "get the whole thing in there" in Minnesotan.
Then she shouts out "I watch Jim" referring (of course) to the smash hit ABC show 'According to Jim' starring John Belushi's brother. I think his first name is Don.

Just like Don Muracco.

Hulk Hogan's Parents

2009-08-11T11:57:00.003-05:00

Last night I watched WWF wrestling from Madison Square Garden... from January 23, 1984.

That was the night that Hulk Hogan won the WWF title from Iron Sheik and rocketed Hogan to become an international star.

I have a subscription to a service called WWE Classics On Demand through my cable service. It is ESSENTIAL to anyone who is or was ever a wrestling fan. Every month a few dozen programs are added from many different wrestling federations and many different decades.

A long time ago they reran the Hogan/Sheik bout. I recorded it and last night I finally watched it.

Usually I skim through these old wrestling cards. I watch matches that seem good and skip the ones that seem to be a waste.

But not on this occasion.

It was interesting to relive what it must have been like watching that show back in 1984.

The card had some other great moments. A pre-G.I. Joe Sgt. Slaughter was on the card. He was also what they call a "heel" or a "bad guy" or a "Baldwin."

Also on the card was a midget tag match. During the match one of the bald midgets was turned upside down and spun like a top.

I know, I know. It's politically correct to say "little person."

As much as I understand that using the wrong term can be degrading... HE TURNED HIM UPSIDE DOWN AND SPUN HIM LIKE A TOP. The term "midget" was the least degrading part of the match.

Anyway, I am stalling just to add extra paragraphs to a really paper thin topic.

Bottom line is that after Hogan won the title the show still had over 1 hour left. So, to keep the focus on Hogan they cut back to him a couple times.

One time was the famous interview where Andre the Giant poured champagne over the Hulkster...

The other was this...

Hulk Hogan was interviewed with his parents.

Langostino

2009-08-11T11:18:00.003-05:00

The other day I was driving by a Long John Silver restaurant. The sign in the window read "Lobster Bites $2.99."

I pulled the car over and ran in. I asked for the "$2.99 lobster bites" and handed them money.

They brought out a lobster and it bit me.

No, that's just silly. Actually they gave me a very generous portion of deep fried lobster... or so I thought.

The truth is that it isn't reeeaaaallly lobster.

It does seem odd that they can afford to sell lobster IN ANY QUANTITY for under $3.

Now, I don't have a horror story to tell you. There isn't anything terrible in there, it just isn't lobster. At least not the lobster you expect.

They refer to the meat as "buttered real Langostino" a quick Google search finds that Langostino is a code word for SQUAT LOBSTER.

Seriously, that is what it's called.

According to Wiki they are:

...not lobsters at all, but are more closely related to porcelain crabs, hermit crabs and then, more distantly, true crabs.

I don't have anything more to say. I just wish I had You Can't Do That On Television on DVD.

ANOTHER Charlie McCarthy board game!

2009-08-04T12:06:00.007-05:00

A while back I did a junk about board games featuring Charlie McCarthy.

It was an in-depth study of several board games that were produced in the 1930s starring the famous ventriliquist dummy.

I had been collecting them for a brief time before I wrote the peice and I thought I had covered ALL of the Charlie McCarthy games produced.

I was wrong.

This popped up on eBay the other day. It's called Charlie McCarthy Put and Take Bingo.

It's a pretty simple game with one complicated twist... IT NEVER ENDS.

Seriously, if you follow the rules for this game you will play it for the remainder of your LIFE!

Perhaps that is why I couldn't find any information on the internet about this game.

Maybe there are some folks out there STILL trying to roll an 8 so that they can take back the last chip.

Since this article was neither funny nor informational I have decided to suppliment it with photos and random info.

Enjoy:

Sid Vicious:

Sid was born Sid Eudy in Arkansas back in 1960. At some point in his life he decided to join the ranks of Pro Wrestling. After all, he was 6 foot 9 and 320.

And, he was dumb as a bottle of strawberry syrup.

Sid started wrestling in 1987 after running into Randy "Macho Man" Savage. Can you imagine what that conversation sounded like?

MACHO: Oh yeah!
SID: I am really tall.
MACHO: Dig it! This is Macho Madness talking to you right now.
SID: Really, really tall.
MACHO: Snap into a Slim Jim. Spicy beef snacks! Get down!
SID: I could really go for some milk, with strawberry syrup.
MACHO: Macho man says dig it! Ohhhhhhhh yeah!

Yeah, I bet it was something like that.

Trousers are an item of clothing worn on the lower part of the body from the waist to the ankles, covering both legs separately (rather than with cloth stretching across both as in skirts and dresses). Such items of clothing are often referred to as pants in countries such as Canada, South Africa, Northern England and the United States. Additional synonyms include slacks, kegs or kex, breeches or breeks.

Seacrest out.

My Disney Cruise: Day 2

2009-08-04T10:40:00.003-05:00

This is the report of my second day on the Disney Wonder.

If you haven't read part one... good for you! Close your browser and go outside and enjoy the world.

If not... courage!

DAY 2:
This was the first full day on the ship.
On this day they docked at Nassau in the Bahamas.

Here is the view of Nassau from the ship:

Isn't it beautiful??
I had signed up for a tour of Nassau that included a stop at Ardastra Gardens (which is a small zoo.)

One of the first things I saw from the tour bus was this billboard:

Oh, Nassau, you classy vacation destination!

The tour took us around all of the finest spots in Nassau.

We saw this statue of Christopher Columbus:

Then this:

And this:

And this:

And this:

And this:

And this:

And this:

And this:

And this:

And this:

Nassau!

I wrote a poem about Nassau:

Nassau: The Poem

By Sweetie Guy Hutchinson

I went to Nassau on a hot day
It was a filthy ghetto
San Dimas High School Football Rules!

End of poem.

Seriously. The TOUR of Nassau took me to burned out buildings and crack houses

Anyway, eventually I ended up at the zoo.
It was a very small zoo. I liked it. It was very quaint and you could walk among the flamingos:

The flamingos also do a show in a small area there. Nothing spectacular, but tons of fun. I was a volunteer for the show and that meant that I got to stand in the middle of the area with a half dozen other guests as flamingos pecked at my clothes and leaned on me. It was awesome.

They also had other birds, goats, meerkats and other animals.

Back on the ship I watched Lilo & Stitch poolside (which is an awesome way to see a movie)

The characters were in formal wear on this day.

The characters had several different outfits throughout the cruise (beachwear, formal wear, sailor outfits, Pirate outfits, etc.)
The show on this day was Toy Story : The Musical. It was a lavish show that ran about 70 minutes. The music was great and the performances were superb.

After dinner I got to get my picture taken with Captain Gus.

If you are wondering what happens when he is not at the helm he said "There are many other captains on the ship. Captain Mickey, Captain Jack Sparrow and Captain hook..."

Day 3 coming soon...

Still haven't gotten to Day 3...

In the meantime... here is some other Disney nonsense:

Micehat talks Lance Bass

The post that was too EXTREME for Micechat.

The Lion King

2009-08-04T07:40:00.004-05:00

Recently I became enthralled with the lovable story of The Lion King.

It's always been one of my favorite films, and after a recent trip to Walt Disney World I decided to pop the DVD into that machine that takes the DVD and coverts it into a movie so I can look at it on that TV looking thing.

After watching the movie I headed to Wikipedia to find out every bit of useless knowledge I could about this movie...

What I found shocked me to my very core.

Did you see what I saw?

Do you see it now?

LOOK AT THAT:

OF COURSE I WANTED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE MS KONGSHAVN!

I would like to say that what I found out was that the link led to a funny New Yorker cartoon where King Kong had muscular distropy and was trying to shave.

No. Not at all.

I would also love to tell you that the story of MS Kongshavn and it's time as The Lion King is a story worth telling.

It's not.

But, that won't stop me.

In 1979 a ship was built named MS Turella in, Turku, Finland. The ship has changed owners and names several times. It was the MS Stena Nordica, MS Lion King and MS Fantaasia before becoming the MS Kongshavn.

The ship is probably the only ship to be sorta named after two Disney films: The Lion King (from 1996 to 1998) and Fantaasia (no that is not a typo... uh and 1998-2008. I wish I paid better attention in English class. I know there is some kind of parenthesis within a parenthesis rule.)

So, after reading about the ship I went back to watching the ENTIRE Lion King quadrilogy. You didn't know that they made 4 Lion King films? Then you are a stupid, stupid fool.

Here are my reviews:
The Lion King: Like the majestic MS Kongshavn, The Lion King sailed to the top of the box office. Ha ha ha ha.
Anyway, I love this film. The stuff with Timon and Pumbaa is hysterical. The dramatic storyline with Scar is top notch and the music is fantastic.

The Lion King II: Simba's Pride: This was later retitled The Lion King 2: Simba's Pride. This was a Romeo and Juliet type story. It could have used more comedy, but it isn't bad. I was very disappointed on first viewing (in the late 1990s) but watching it again this week, it seemed much better.
Wikipedia says this:

Differences between DVD releases
On its initial release, The Lion King II: Simba's Pride was released in 1:33:1. For the special edition, this was changed to 1:66:1. Another major change to the special edition release was the quality of the image. It was lightened considerably and colors appeared brighter and slightly less saturated. Also, a small change in animation was present. As Kovu attempts to distract the crocodiles attacking both him and Kiara, he falls into the water and submerges a short time later. In the original release of the film, he yells open-mouthed as a crocodile swims towards him. In the special edition, he does not open his mouth as wide and turns his head sharply to face Kiara.

I am mildly disturbed that someone noticed that.

The Lion King 1 1/2: This is SUCH a funny movie. It starts out with Timon and Pumbaa watching the first Lion King film and then they decide to show us what they were doing during the first 40 minutes of the original film. The result is really genius. It's an excellent movie.

The Lion King: Circle of Life: An Environmental Fable: I am so sick of hitting the ":" key.
This is a 12 minute film that shows in Epcot. In it Timon and Pumbaa want to build a resort and Simba explains to him that stupid humans are polluting the earth with resorts and that he shouldn't build one or he is as bad as a person.
This film is being shown at the Walt Disney World resort.

Mickey Mantle at Hooters

2009-07-29T13:55:00.002-05:00

Not too much to say about this one... but that never stopped me before.

In my local Hooters they have this photo on the wall of Mickey Mantle with the Hooter girls. They aren't girls from my local Hooters (Mickey was already dead when it opened) and they aren't even at a Hooters (this was probably just a photo taken at some event that featured both Mickey and Hooter Girls.

This is just one of the many 8x10s that get sent to a new Hooters when they open so they have something to put on the walls until they start to establish pictures of their own events.

So, as time marched on at my Hooters, this odd photo moved to the back room. Not an employee lounge or anything... just a dining area where they only seat people on Super Bowl Sunday or other ridiculously busy days.

In other words, very few people get to see this photo.

But now, you have.

I love it.

I love that the girls have they tied cotton shirts (this was before the spandex tops.)

I love the oh so 80s visors they wear.

And I love the fact that the Hooter girl is holding a baseball bat in front of Mickey Mantle's crotch.

Journey: The Video Game

2009-07-29T13:25:00.002-05:00

Today there are flash games made for everything online. If you go to the website for any TV show they invariably have a little video game you can play by clicking on things or moving the arrow key on your keyboard.

It seems anyone can make one and in minutes. I bet there was a game online that simulates Michael Jackson's funeral... and I bet it was online before the funeral took place.

But until recently such things were unheard of.

In the 1980s making a video game was a several month and several billion dollar endeavor. I guess. I don't really know. I am just making a big fancy introduction for Journey: The Video Game.

It's hard to believe that Journey had ONE video game, but they actually had TWO... more if you count Rock Band or Guitar Hero games that include "Any Way You Want It."

But I don't "want it" that way. So it's two.

LOOK AT THAT FLYER!

This was created to generate a buzz for the Journey video game. It says "the hottest band in the country is about to take over the planet!" and you can tell they MEAN IT because it is in all caps. That's also why I put "mean it" in 'all caps.' Why I put "mean it" in the double quotation marks and "all caps" in the single quotation marks is a mystery to me. I just didn't pay enough attention in school.

Forgive me, but I didn't know that Journey was once the HOTTEST band on the planet. I knew they were hot, but I am thrilled to know they were the HOTTEST!

It must be true... take another look at that flyer:

There must be half a dozen fans waiting just outside the backstage doors. Luckily Officer Dabney Coleman is there to keep them out.

Oddly enough "backstage" has glass doors like a 7-11.

Let's take a look at the game:

Seriously, that is what it looks like.

I actually played this game and it really does play like one of those flash games. You have these odd computer people with photos of Journey band member's heads for heads (does that make sense? If not look at the picture again.)

Here is what Wikipedia says:

The game starts out with the player choosing one of five planets to travel to. Each planet features a minigame starring one of the Journey band members, with the objective of collecting his musical instrument (or, in the case of Steve Perry, a microphone).
Once the instruments are collected Journey performs a concert.

Sounds pretty stupid (or, in the case of Steve Perry, a microphone).

There was also DIFFERENT Journey game for Atari.

I am stunned it didn't become the next Donkey Kong (or, in the case of Steve Perry, a microphone).

My Disney Cruise: Day 1

2009-07-29T08:11:00.004-05:00

I am a Disney junkie. I take multiple trips to the theme parks every year, I watch the movies (even the straight to video ones) and I even took a trip to Walt's grave:

Still, there was one Disney vacation that I had not done...

What could it be....

Isn't this suspenseful?

It was...

The Disney Cruise.

Until now. Luckily I was recently able to take a four night voyage on a ship called The Disney Wonder. The ship's name is "Wonder" and it's operated by the Disney company... It's not named "Disney" and run by the Wonder Bread company... but that would have been pretty cool, too.

DAY 1:
Before entering the ship we saw a wonderful model of the Disney Magic (a different Disney ship.)

The model was possibly just for display, but I like to imagine that when really short people show up they let them sail on that. I also like to imagine that when really tall people show up they pretend that is the real ship and tell them they are too tall to ride. Then they cry.

Something about a crying giant really cracks me up.

I think it's interesting that they had a model of the Magic on display when we were there for the Wonder. Perhaps they both leave from the same place.

I bet if they get another ship they would call it Imagine or Discover. I can foresee the whole fleet: Magic, Wonder, Imagine, Discover, Exasperation, Celebration, Motivation, Maximum Cleaning Power, Alpha, Mister Googily Goo, Shemp and Joe Derita.

Once on the ship I had a chance to look around before the safety drill at 4pm.
For the drill everyone (and I mean everyone) had to put on a life vest and line up in an assigned spot. We were told this was the only serious part of our cruise. They even passed out rubber chickens and whoopee cushions after the drill to drive home the point.

Actually they didn't. But they did show us a video of a crying giant. It was hysterical.

As we set sail the Disney characters were on hand for a "Adventures Away" party. It was lots of fun with music and streamers. The drink of the day was the "Bahama Mama."

I bet if you take the cruise to Greece the drink of the day is the "Greece Niece" ... uh ... and if you go to Yemen it's the... uh... "Yemen Insurance Salesman."

Also on board were Disney Channel stars : Mitchel Musso, Jason Earles, Anna Maria Perez de Tagle and Brandon Smith.
During the cruise I saw them at a few special functions and I saw them wandering around the ship.

Almost every night featured a Broadway style show. The first night was a show called the Golden Mickey's. It was the least grandiose of the three shows, but it was my favorite.

It was themed as an award show and featured many performances from many Disney films. It certainly got me in the right mood for the rest of the trip!

First night's dinner was at Animator's Palate, a unique restaurant that changes color throughout the meal.

I wish I had taken a before photo so you could compare them. I also wish I could think of an exotic island that rhymes with "brother."

This is me with Lavendra, one of our servers. The servers are assigned to your party for dinner. So, no matter where our dinner was, Lavendra was there.

Back on land, I occasionally look around for Lavendra as I heat up a TV dinner. Then I feel sad. Then I think of a sad giant and I feel happy again.

Day 2 coming soon....

Twitter

2009-07-16T12:45:00.003-05:00

Twitter is a possible social networking tool. Until 3 years ago the only "social networking tool" I knew was Danny Bonaduce. Now social networking tools are everywhere.

Twitter is also what flys do when you pull their legs off.

Twitter allows users to post comments (or "tweets as dorks call them) of 150 charcters or less. This way you can alert people to what you have for lunch, when you bathe, what TV show you are watching and how you just pulled the wings off a fly.

And you can do it in real time.

The only problem with Twitter is finding something to say. Well, being that I DON'T have a Twitter account I have plenty of extra tweets just rattling around in my head.

I will present them here. That way all you have to do is cut and paste them into the Twitter box and everyone will think you are twitactular.

Take a look:

At Friendly's. A lady came by my table holding a salad. She said "which one of you gets this beautiful salad?" We didn't order a salad. I don't know if she even works here.

I just met a girl named Candy. I wanted to take a bite out of her. Not because she was pretty, but because I am a cannibal.

Saw Saw II. Didn't like the end. Too many credits. Dropped cigarette and burned couch. Wasn't even smoking.

Playing D&D with Steve. Steve said "Cleric Magic User" when he meant "Wizard Magic User." He so stupd.

At dentist. Need to have cavity filled. Filled with TACOS! Ha ha. I am hungry. I hope there is a Del Taco in this town.

Fighting with rival store owner. He said "this town isn't big enough for both of us." I suggested we both move to a bigger town.

Just remembered a Cracked magazine parody of wrestling where they called Sgt. Slaughter: Sgt. S. Laughter. That's funny! Words so close. Weird.

Forrest Gump on AMC. I don't think he really did all those things.

Playing Halo 4. I really thought this was a video game version of the Gary Coleman TV film Kid with the Broken Halo. It's not. Well, wait till I finish to be sure.

At DMV lady is trying to take my picture. She keeps saying "stop typing on your phone" or something. She stupid.

Still at DVM. Sgt. S. Laughter. That still cracks me up.

Cop just sped past. I wonder if the phrase "cop a feel" came from being frisked. Or maybe his first name was Al. Cop A. Feel. And he was a pervert.

CNN said inventor of VCR just died. I hope they rewind him before they put him in the box. Sorry. too soon.

Watching UFC 98. Much better than 4, 88, 32, 8, 71 and 6. Reminds me of UFC 22 or 58. I haven't watched 83 or 22 yet. 17, 67, 2. 9.

Steve is in wing eating contest. Watching. Hope he wins. Bet he will look like he has a baby bump after.

I used my new Asics when I ran today. NOT COMFORTABLE. Must make sure they were on the right feet. Yep they were on the right feet. Mine.

Watching some movie where Hulk Hogan babysits kids in a balerina outfit. Not sure the name. Possibly Easy Rider.

Can't belive there are candy called Goobers. Maybe they taste like a loogie.

Yaphet Kotto

2009-07-16T10:57:00.005-05:00

Yaphet Kotto is an American actor. His dad was the Crown Prince of Cameroon. No kiddin'! I don't know much about the political system in Cameroon. Perhaps Crown Prince is the top of the political ladder.... or maybe it's like being a city councilman.

I bet the system works like this: Cameroon is broken into 4 provinces (or Luplups as the locals call them.) Each Luplup is run by a Lord, a Landlord, a Governor and a Crown Prince. The four Crown Princes report to the President and he reports to Kirk Cameron.

Or maybe not.

Either way, Yaphet's dad wanted more and so he came to America in the 1920s. Yaphet started taking acting classes at 16, made his stage debut at 19 and started acting in films in his late 20s. He has since appeared in close to 100 TV and movie productions.

One of my favorite performances by Yaphet is in the James Bond actioner Live and Let Die.

This is one of my favorite films of the Bond franchise and Yaphet Kotto is my favorite villain.

Bond kills him by inflating him until he explodes.

He is called Mr. Big in the film. Not the best Bond villain name.

He is also known as Kananga. Still, not all that inspired... but when your REAL NAME is YAPHET KOTTO. Every character name has to be a bit of a let down.

Backwards his name is Ottok Tehpay.

He once put out a poetry record and there is a band out there that stole his name.

One time he stuck his thumbs in his ears and someone took his picture:

Yaphet Kotto!

Smoke and a Pancake

2009-07-16T10:36:00.002-05:00

The internet is pretty dang cool. You can flip through thousands of photos of whatever you choose. Search for "pancake" and you might find this dude:

I love this picture. I love how he holds his pancake with one hand and his ciggie with his other hand.

I love his tattoos. He has one on his left bicep and one on his right forearm. I wasn't sure what they were at first, but now I know... they are AWESOME.

I love his simple steel bracelet, I love the fact that he is eating pancakes outside in the fall.

I love that the pancake is shaped like a dog or a marmoset or something. That might meant that kids are around. This guy looks like a cool grandpa.

I love his steel watch and understated white shirt accented by what might be George Harrison's signature on his cigarette pocket.

God bless you dog shaped pancake eating, tattooed, smoking, George Harrison meeting, outdoor-sy grandpa.

Sonny Eclipse

2009-07-16T09:49:00.007-05:00

I love Walt Disney World. It's one of my favorite places in the world (just behind Grauman's Chinese Theatre, Disneyland and Jennifer Love Hewitt's dressing room.)

I usually make sure to visit all four parks on every visit (saving DisneyQuest for every 2 years) and I like to get my money's worth from my Annual Pass.

My touring schedule is like this:

I get to the theme park about 30 minutes before opening hit my favorites until about noon. Then I leave the park and find a nice place for lunch. After that I head back to my hotel... go to a museum... do something away from the heat and crowds at the park. I return by 3 or 4pm and stay there until it's time to get back to the hotel and sleep.

This works great. The afternoon break gives me a chance to get changed (if my clothes are sweaty, or dirty or have gone out of style since I put them on) maybe take a shower, swim, pick up taxidermied gator heads at souvenir stand and look for Brutus Beefcake (I hear he lives around there.)

Then when I get back to the theme park I feel so refreshed... I feel like Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Sometimes this just won't work. Usually on the last day of my vacation I have already checked out of my hotel and I just want to squeeze every last minute out of the day.

So I stay.

But I have found ways to beat the heat. I carry a hand towel with me to whisk the sweat off my brow. I go to Epcot and drink a cold margarita to cool me off. I drink two margaritas and I forget that it's so hot. I drink three margaritas and I forget to wear pants and call up my high school girlfriend (she's a podiatrist in Pennsylvania.)

Or I watch Sonny Eclipse.

Sonny is an animatronic lounge lizard. He's one of those Disney robots, like the Country Bears, Abe Lincoln (at the Hall of Presidents) or The Jonas Brothers.

Sonny is located in Tomorrowland at the Magic Kingdom. He entertains guests at a counter service burger place called Cosmic Ray's Starlight Cafe. I never ate there, but I love to stop in and grab a table and watch Sonny do his thing.

He tells corny jokes (Hey! Did you hear the universe is expanding? Guess it's time to loosen the asteroid belt!) and sings swingin' big band songs.

He sings original songs about subjects like "gravity" and the outer space city he hails from Yew Nork (on the planet Zork.)

According to something I heard somewhere his voice is provided by renown blues artist Kal David.

Check out Sonny performing Planetary Boogie:

Top 10

2009-07-16T08:32:00.004-05:00

#10: Oliver the Humanzee. This chimp was considered by many scientists to be some kind of half man, half chimp. The claim is long been disproved, but I still love Oliver.
Oliver walks completely upright and in his heyday smoked cigars and drank beer.
Just like Teddy Roosevelt.

#9 The King of Queens Episode where Doug wins a lot of money and must spend it in a day. Like the Brewsters Millions films (and I said FILMS because the Richard Pryor version was actually the seventh big screen version of the book Brewsters Millions) this episode dealt with the amusing idea of someone intentionally blowing a lot of money.
In this story, Doug and Deacon win money in their office football pool or lottery or something (I didn't bother to look it up in an episode guide) and so they decide to spend the money in one day rather than share it with their wives.
They eat lobster rent a flashy car and rent a singer (I think it may have been Joe Cocker, Rick Derringer, the guy from Survivor or Bryan Singer: the director of Superman Returns.)

#8 A photo of Mr. T with Hillbilly Jim and Hulk Hogan.

#7 Steve Harvey's mustache. Isn't it magnificent? Who wants to "click to see hats" when you can gaze into that beautiful hair covering his lip. Like the mighty Sampson, the power of his follicles overwhelm us all.

#6 Hungry Jacks. In Australia some Burger Kings are called Hungry Jack. There is some really boring legal reason, but don't worry about it. Just gaze at the beauty that is Hungry Jack. Then imagine it with Steve Harvey's mustache. Delicious.

#5 Wonder Sauna Pants. Slim your way to a better you inside a pair of inflated plastic bags. You won't look like a jerk.

#4 Little Mr. T. Don't mistake this ranking to mean he is superior to Mr. T. He is just superior to a photo of Mr. T with Hillbilly Jim and Hulk Hogan.
Little Mr. T was a midget wrestler in the 1980s.

#3Disney's Polynesian Resort. Bordering the Seven Seas Lagoon, this slice of paradise feels so removed from the hustle and bustle of the Magic Kingdom yet it is just a monorail ride away. It also always looks like 1971 there. I should wear my sauna pants and Steve Harvey's mustache there.

#2 Moxie. The beverage, known for it's strong taste, is still produced today. It is a beverage. The name for it is Moxie. Moxie has strong taste, in fact it's still being produced! Also of note: Moxie is known for it's strong taste, a taste that is stronger thus people know it as such.
Wow, I didn't think I had enough info for a paragraph! How wrong I was!

#1 The Poster for Semi-Tough. This is a pretty good Burt Reynolds flick, but MAN OH MAN is it a great poster. Just look at it!
Sweet.

Smurf your Atari

2009-07-15T13:50:00.010-05:00

I love the Atari. I have one in my living room. A classic faux wood grain Atari 2600 and a pile of games. What I like about it (other than the sheer nostalgia) is the simplicity of the games.

Here is one I like:

Smurfs: Rescue in Gargamel's Castle. You know I don't think I ever noticed the subtitle before.

The plot is: you are a Smurf and you have to perform a rescue in Gargamel's castle.

That's pretty much it.

Here are some stills from the Colecovision version. Same basic premise, just better looking:

First thing that you need to learn in this game is hopping. This game has more hops in it than a case of Miller Light. Wait, let me check on that...

I just read some long winded message board babble about how Miller Light claims to have "Triple Hops" but the message board people think it has no hops.

I don't know what a hop is and I don't wanna bother checking... although Drunk Atari would be an awesome name for my new Ska band.

Anyway, the point is... you have to push up twice to hop and you must hop constantly in this game. See that fence? Gotta hop it. If you try and walk into it YOU DIE.

I don't get it. Was the fence made of small pox? How the hell does it kill you? You are only walking into it.

Plus, this must be a Smurf made fence. Smurfs are only 3 apples high (don't ask how I know that) so if it was a real fence even Anthony Hopkins couldn't 'hop' it.

That wasn't a stupid joke based solely on Hopkins' name. I heard that during the making of Remains of the Day he took a skipping start and hopped over Merchant and Ivory.

And why would a Smurf built fence out of small pox? It defies logic.

Keep hopping. Gotta hop up the cliff. I just hop the whole game. Why bother walking?

Now you hop down a cliff. AND YOU HAVE TO HOP. If you step off your legs crumble under you. It's awful.

Finally we have hopped our way to Gargamel's castle! But first we must hop past it and hop over a river. Careful We have to hop over snakes, but hop under birds.

Also, what kind of bird is THAT small next to a Smurf. I don't think this really happened. It must have been made up by the game programmer.

Somehow once you walk PAST Gargamel's you enter his castle. He isn't home, but you still have to rescue Smurfette.

So, hop past the spider and hop up to her.

Then you can do it all over again, but they do silly things like make you do each screen many times in a row, or add lots of birds.

I give it four stars... out of how many stars? You will never know.

Here is the original commercial for the game:

A bunch of stupid pictures

2009-07-15T12:14:00.010-05:00

Hey! Look at this dude and this lady! They met Ted Danson:

And they met him in a bar! Wowee! That is too cool. Ted is dressed like he is either in a barbershop quartet or a ticket taker at General Cinemas.
Also, is that flag on the wall behind him? Or did Neil Armstrong land on his head and put that there?

Look out kids! It's Bob Newhart:

They say this is from the rehearsal of the 37th Emmy awards, but I like to pretend he was at a Gwar concert but couldn't find anyone to go with him.

I don't know who this guy is:

But I love his ship's steering wheel paper weight. Rock on stranger.

Bosom Buddies? It's Peter Scolari and Tom Hanks:

The two Bosom Buddies stars reunited at the premiere of Polar Express. Peter pressed his head to Tom's bosom and the photo was snapped. Later Peter started to cry and Tom wiped his tears with million dollar bills and drove him home. They were able to put Peter's 83 Ford Escort in the trunk of Tom's giant limo.

Talk about Macho! It's Macho Man Randy Savage:

Randy showed up at the premiere for Disney's Bolt looking like Uncle Jesse from the Dukes of Hazzard... well, things could be worse. He could look like Uncle Jesse...
...from Full House!

John Travolta in a plane:

Yep! He flies planes!

John Travolta:

He knows all about planes!

John Travolta:

Yes sirree! We know he likes the planes!

John Travolta:

Flying the friendly skies! He likes the cockpit!

John Travolta:

You like planes. We get it.

John Travolta:

We know it! You like planes and kissing dudes! Enough!

Good Burger

2009-07-15T09:30:00.004-05:00

In 1997 the film Good Burger opened in over 2000 theaters. The film debut at midnight in most cities around the United States. It went on to make over 50 million dollars on Friday and by the following weekend it passed Titanic to become the highest grossing film of all time. Soon people all over the world were buying up merchandise and "consider yourself tomatoed" became a national catchphrase.
The film was quickly followed by Good Burger 2: The Return of Mondo Burger which proved to be as popular as the original. Then in 2008 the duo of Keenan and Kel were elected as the first Black President and Vice President on a platform of lower taxes and putting Osama Bin Laden into "the grinder."
And Sweetie Guy Hutchinson had a nice 4 day weekend and drank some good lemonade.

Ahh, what a perfect world that would be.

But alas, Good Burger opened quietly, didn't rock the box office and I never got any lemonade.

Still, I love this movie. If you haven't seen it, here is a synopsis:

Based on a sketch from the 'All That' Nickelodeon series, Good Burger stars Keenan and Kel (I am not sure about the rest of their names. Maybe it was Keenan Ivory Wayans and Kel Penn.)

Kel plays Ed, a doofus who works the counter at a fast food joint. Keenan plays Dexter, a kid who broke Sinbad's car (the actor, not the mythical sailor.)

Soon the duo are working together at the Good Burger where Abe Vigoda and K-Fed's other baby momma (Shar Jackson) crack jokes.

But all is not well. Soon Mondo Burger opens, a bigger burger joint. On the verge of bankruptcy Good Burger starts using Ed's secret sauce and 20 minutes later George Clinton dances and the credits roll.

italianfoodfan2001 (Sun Jun 14 2009 15:25:50)

What do you think is the recipe for his sauce?

I saw him putting in carnation milk powder, whole unpeeled onions, and pickles in the scene where he was making the sauce. He also apparently puts in lemon juice and ketchup when he almost keeps blabbing the recipe. And I wonder how he got it to look all saucey? He probably put in a lot of water. I'm going to experiment this tomorrow but like I'm going to make a whole pot of it? no way.

No way indeed, Italianfoodfan2001.

Here is what the Good Burger looks like today:

It's a taco stand. In the film I think they simply made fake walls to create a building around the counter.

Here is Mondo Burger:

It's a real estate/dentist office! In the movie you can see the dentist sign on the outside of the building.

Anyway, the whole movie is on Youtube:

Hope you love it.

Something Queer is Going On

2009-07-15T08:14:00.003-05:00

When I was a kid one of my favorite things was when we ordered books. The memory is a bit hazy, but I think every three or four months Scholastic would put out a catalogue and you could flip through it with your pals (during class time) and try and find a few books that you would like to read.

Usually the books were fun children's books with glossy covers and illustrations. The stuff kids love.

Then a few weeks later the teacher would open a big box and hand you your books.

I loved that.

I still remember the thrill of getting the new book and trying not to crease the spine as I read the book.

Then about ten minutes later I would give up on that pipe dream and curl the book up and stuff it in my back pocket.

I ordered some awesome books that way. Many of them I still have. Books like the novelization of Back to the Future II (where all the swear words were replaced with words like "jerk") and 'The Indian in the Cupboard' (oh how I laughed at the fact that they called the bathroom "toilet."

Lines like "I was in the toilet when my mom came home" just cracked me up.

Anyway, one of the books I got was called 'Something Queer is Going On' by Elizabeth Levy.

It's at this point that I wish to point out that I will not make any "queer" jokes. I am sure my younger self would be sad about that.

Instead I will misquote 'The Indian in the Cupboard' again:

"I went into the toilet to wash up for dinner."

Priceless.

The book tells the story of Jill a young girl who comes home to find her lazy dog Fletcher missing. So she and her pal Gwen start to look for him.

The book is full of unusual quirks: Gwen taps her braces when she thinks and Jill has problems with anxiety.

The book was funny. I read it again recently and I still think it worked.

The highlight of the book, however, was the illustrations. Done by a dude named Mordicai Gerstein. As a kid I found that name awsomely bizzare. As an adult I find it awesomely bizarre (I spell a little better now.

The illustrations were full of arrows pointing out details and there was a detailed diagram of the dog and how his spots resembled a map of the world.

I got my copy sometime in the 1980s, but I found out that the book was actually originally released in the early 1970s.

Anyway, after reading the book I found out that we were having an assembly. Wow, that sounds so stupid. Every presentation or show or concert at school was called an assembly.

I don't know if that is a regional thing or not, but it sounds funny.

Our assemblys (or is it assemblies? Maybe my spelling hasn't improved) always took place in the gym. A few hundred kids would gather in the gym and sit on the floor as someone did something, sang something or talked to us about something.

On that day we were getting a talk from Elizabeth Levy with Mordicai Gerstein. Looking back, I was pretty lucky. My favorite book was a book that was over a decade old and yet the author and illustrator came to my small town to talk to us about it.

I carried my beat up copy to the assembly with me and followed along as Ms. Levy read the book to us. Then they took questions.

I asked Mordicai if he traced the pictures. (Traced them from what I didn't know.) He politely answered my idiotic question. After the assembly they sold and autographed books.

I took my copy (which had small rips in the cover and a water stain on the pages (I hope it's water) and got them to sign it.

Mordicai even drew a cartoon of Fletcher, the dog from the book.

I am happy to say I still have the book.

Jason Alexander: Pitchman

2009-07-14T13:58:00.003-05:00

If you are a Youtube junkie, you know how it happens... your video ends and you click on a "related video" that is barely "related" and soon you find yourself watching dozens of clips on a subject you would have never searched for.

It happened to me recently with Seinfeld's Jason Alexander. After watching a clip about the sitcom I got sucked into the world of Jason Alexander: Pitchman. Like a cross between Billy Mays and Mr. Jansley (my neighbor... he looks a lot like Jason Alexander) Jason would sell and sell and sell. It didn't matter if it was beer or bail bonds, he would sell it. Even if it was as stupid as telling people to put soup in their hamburgers Jason would do it.

And you would like it.

The first one I saw was this classic for McDonalds:

He sings and dances and speaks like a crazy game show host as he sells us on the absurd concept of keeping your lettuce cold during the 10 second trip from the McDonald's counter to your table.

Then I saw this one where a young Jason plays a high school stud. Also in the commercial is a fake cowboy and a vaudevillian. The title says 1981, but judging by Jason's look I bet it's a few years older. Judging by the vaudeville humor, perhaps it's from 1920:

Getting a start in commercials is sufficient for most celebrities, but not Jason. He kept pitching, even when Seinfeld was on the air! He did many commercials for Rold Gold pretzels:

What a funny commercial! And it confirmed my theory that George Costanza had no male genitalia.

I also spotted this gem:

What a performance by Jason as he sports an oven mitt and the funniest pair of pants I have ever seen.

Here is a beer commercial where Jason plays background to Yogi Berra:

This was back when Yogi's "pretend to be stupid" gimmick was cute. Now he seems like a sad, senile old man when he does it.

And finally, Jason goes to jail:

I bet the guards helped him keep his "hot side hot" and his "cold side cold."

Wait, that makes no sense... I gotta go put some soup in my burgers.

Benji

2009-07-14T11:41:00.008-05:00

I have been watching a lot of Benji lately. I had always had a soft spot for the floppy mutt, but after watching Oh Heavenly Dog a few weeks ago I have been going a bit Benji crazy.

For those that don't know, Benji was a character in a hugely successful series of films, TV shows, TV specials, books, board games, records, Viewmaster reels, etc, etc, etc. Benji was everywhere for much of the 1970s and 1980s.

Over the course of the films Benji has been played by 3 or 4 dogs depending on who you ask (the 3rd Benji never appeared on TV or in movies.)

Most recently Benji appeared theatrically in 2004's Benji Off The Leash.

There is an absurd amount of Benji info to digest, but I will do my best to throw as much info at you as possible in a completely non-linear fashion that you will probably not be able to retain at all.

Benji had a game on the Commodore 64 computer.

Benji was created by Joe Camp who has directed every single appearance as far as I can tell.

The series started with the film Benji in 1974. It was a well made dramatic film that tells of a kidnapping case that was solved by a stray dog named... you guessed it... Puddles.

Then Puddles lets fame go to his head and soon turns to the bottle. What dog can help him? You guessed it... WWE's Road Dogg Jesse James. He teaches him how to walk the straight and narrow as they work for Jeff Jarrett.

Soon Jarrett double crosses them both and Puddles meeets... yep... Benji. Benji Gregory, the kid from Alf. Is this funny to anyone but me? Probably not.

Anyway, in the real movie Benji (the dog) foils the crime. The film is a lot less "awww" and more "awesome!" (I should put that on a T-shirt.)

The film doesn't talk down to the audience and really doesn't even play as a kid's film. It's really great. The dog was played by Higgins, who was also the dog in Petticoat Junction.

The second film is For the Love of Benji which I haven't seen yet. I may have seen it as a kid, but I don't recall. I just picked it up as part of a discount box set in a Wal-Mart bin. This film (and everything else until Off the Leash starred Higgins' daughter Benjean.

Along with the feature films Benji did a number of TV specials. One showed him taking a "dive" at Marineland.

I thought that he was going to let Stallone score a KO over him in a big fish tank, but that wasn't the type of "dive" he did.

This special was really unusual. It took place at Marineland Florida (which is a much smaller, and older, version of Sea World.)

The plot involved a bunch of puppets who were all either promoting Benji, trying to sabotage Benji or trying to put the moves on Benji.

The puppets get more screen time than Benji does. The dive in question is actually scuba diving. Yep, they put the dog in a special suit and he scuba dives. It's awesome.

Joe Camp also extended Benji's fame beyond the boundaries of children's entertainment. According to Joe's site Benji had a photo spread in Playgirl. I have not seen it... and I don't dare do a Google image search for "Benji in Playgirl" I assume there have been many dudes named Benji in Playgirl over the years.

Here is what Joe's site says about the Playgirl photos:

Benji is the only canine actor to ever appear as a centerfold in Playgirl Magazine. When asked if such an appearance isn't a break from his usual family-friendly philosophy, Joe says, "The way we looked at it was that in addition to being ridiculously funny, Benji's centerfold meant one less naked man on the magazine racks... because, you see, the dog playing Benji at that time was actually a girl." Would he do it again? "No."

Oh Heavenly Dog was also a bit more "adult" than most of the Benji projects. This time Benji got second billing to Chevy Chase as Chase plays a murdered womanizer who returns to earth as Benji to solve his own murder. The jokes are a bit off color and a few mild swear words are thrown about. As far as I have seen, this is the only film that Benji "talks" in (we hear Chevy's thoughts when he is in the body of the dog.)

It's kind of a shame because I do like talkin' doggie flicks. Also, there has never been any animated Benji adventures. There have been several illustrated books and lots of merchandise with artistic renderings of Benji, but no actual TV or film animated adaptations.

In the late 1980s Joe teamed up with the Disney company to produce Benji The Hunted. In this film Benji survives a shipwreck and ends up on an island and gets stuck caring for some orphaned baby mountain lions. This film has almost no dialogue since humans rarely appear in the film and it's not one of those talkin' doggie flicks I love so much.

Benji also had a Christmas special that I watched a few years back. In it he went to Iceland or Sweden or someplace that I was pretty sure I wouldn't want to go to.

In the special he meets Santa, but I think they tell you it's just an actor playing Santa.

I am not 100% sure it wasn't the North Pole. While I am confessing, I might mention that I am not sure Benji The Hunted took place on an island (not a Peninsula) and I did Google "Benji in Playgirl." Not recommended.

All of this scratches the surface of the Benji world, but there is still much more.

Benji had a TV series for a few years called Benji, Zax and the Alien Prince.

This is one of the oddest TV shows I have ever seen that was NOT a Sid and Marty Krofft production

In this a young boy (who is an alien Prince) crash lands on Earth with his robot who looks like a cross between C3PO, Wall-e and a dreidel.

Only Benji can protect them from some angry mob of alien monks.

I know you think I am making it up, but it is really true.

Anyway, I have been watching Benji as much as possible lately. I ordered the board game and a plush toy and I should have enough VHS and DVDs of the pooch to keep me busy for weeks to come.

Then some other flight of fancy will strike and I will be obsessed with the San Diego Chicken, Outback Jack or The Civil War.

Until then...

woof.

VINTAGE 1985 ANDRE THE GIANT vs NiKOLAI VOLKOFF PAJAMAS

2009-07-07T13:18:00.001-05:00

VINTAGE 1985 ANDRE THE GIANT vs NiKOLAI VOLKOFF PAJAMAS

How is that for an eye catching title! I found this on eBay today:
LINK

What exciting dreams a child of 1985 would have had imagining the epic battle between Andre the Giant and Nikolai Volkoff.

Oh the fun I had in those days pouring a bowl of cereal and sitting on the floor as I watched WWF Wrestling Challenge and waited for Andre to floss his butt with the top rope and make a "letter c" with his hand.

Then Nikolai would stand there in his black trunks and do the Iron Claw.

Wait a minute! Volkoff wore RED trunks! And I am pretty sure I never saw him use an Iron Claw. If this is the start of the match he should have a mic and he should be singing the Russian National Anthem.

I can't remember Volkoff's finishing move. I can't remember him winning a match that he didn't his his opponent with Fred Blassie's cane or a flag pole.

A quick Wiki search reveals that it was a bear hug.

Perhaps the PJs should have him hugging Andre with all his might.

I would love to own this, but buying used children's pajamas on the internet seems to be a gateway to something awful.

The Easter Bunny and Big Bird

2009-07-07T10:30:00.007-05:00

If you know me at all, you probably know my love of costumed characters.
Whenever I hear that one is in my area I make sure to snap a photo of it... usually with me standing next to the character.

And the more obscure the better. Sure, I get my picture with Mickey and Goofy when I go to Disneyland, but it's even more exciting to get a picture with Sunny Supersaurus at Super Fresh:

I am not sure WHY I like it. I rarely interact with the big muppet. I usually just take the picture and say thank you. Usually if they speak I find it mildly disturbing.

Perhaps it's just the collection of photos that makes it exciting.

That could be it. I do have several framed photos of me and costumed people mixed in among my photos of me with celebrities.

And after spending 10 minutes on Wikipedia reading about people who are sexually attracted to costumed characters I am both nauseated and convinced I am not one of them.

Nope, I don't even want to hold hands and walk on the beach with them.

I just want to get a photo with them.

Perhaps it brings back some kind of childhood memories. Maybe it takes me back to a younger age and a simpler time.

Maybe.

But I have some evidence against that:

Big Bird. That's me (the baby) with some horrible bloated and beaten Big Bird. The picture was taken at the Brunswick Square Mall which was really far from my childhood home. My mom doesn't remember the day the photo was taken, but she must have been disappointed.

I was too young to know better, but my older brother brother seems unimpressed by Big Bird. Ugh. He looks Big Bird if he had a peanut allergy and had just taken a Nutrageous bar intraveniously... and if he was really filthy and had a droopy eye.

During my youth I also met this thing:

That's the Easter Bunny. I am the one in the black. My sister seems happy, but my younger brother and I seem a bit confused.

He looks like a q-tip that was used to clean a pencil sharpener.