Discovering Dad - Learning what it means to be a good dad

Discovering Dad's New Home

2008-06-26T23:20:00.005-04:00

Discovering Dad has moved to a New Home!

Come on over and check out the new place:

The new site has an exciting magazine-style theme that will be easier for me to include additional resources and featured content about 'learning what it means to be a good Dad.'

If you have a link to Discovering Dad on your blogroll or resource page, please change the URL to: http://discoveringdad.net/

Existing subscribers will continue to receive updates, as long as you receive them from Feedburner. If you're new to the site or receive updates from the old direct feed, please Subscribe to My Feed here or enter your e-mail address in the Subscribe box.

No need to bring a housewarming gift - just come on over and check things out! See you soon!

Memories of Home

2008-06-26T01:37:00.006-04:00

I grew up in a small community nestled in the heart of the Appalachian mountains. It was a farming and coal mining town, but tourism has become the biggest industry there now. There is a large, beautiful lake, several rivers with gorgeous waterfalls, state parks with an abundance of wildlife and lots of outdoor activities for people of all ages.

Most of my family has lived in this town for generations. Where I live now is about three hours away; I try to visit a few times each year to stay connected to my roots. My daughter loves to go and spend time with her cousins every summer. She went for three days this week, and I drove out to bring her home today.

About halfway there, I crossed the Eastern Continental Divide, which is where the water drains away from the Chesapeake Bay watershed and toward the tributaries that feed the mighty Mississippi river.

As soon as I crossed the divide, high up in the mountains, I was struck by a wonderful aroma of laurel and wildflowers. It immediately brought back vivid memories of walking through the woods with my cousins when I was a child. I smiled as I thought about our many adventures.

Over the next hour or so, I was engulfed in thoughts of my youth and reminded of different experiences with every familiar view. I remembered how much I enjoyed the outdoors - hunting, fishing, trapping, building forts and exploring the wilderness. The world was a big place, even though I lived in a small town.

As I drove past the lake, I remembered the first big fish I caught. It was a monster Northern Pike, and I was with my dad, cousin and uncle. At first we thought I got snagged on the bottom (we were trolling), but then the line started running and I knew I had a fish on. Twenty minutes later, I pulled in a pike more than half the length of my body. I was brimming with pride for the next few days.

When I turned on the back road leading to town, I remembered riding snowmobiles with my parents and their friends during the wintertime. The winters were long in the mountains, but it provided opportunities to do different things outside throughout the year. My parents knew a bunch of farmers who would let them ride through hundreds of acres of fields and woods. Even though it was a sunny, summer day today, I could still see us riding in those white, powdery fields beside the road.

The drive into town was both nostalgic and depressing. Many of the places I remembered were changed or gone. Somewhere over the past thirty years, people discovered the charm of this quaint little town and decided to cut down the trees, build a bunch of vacation homes and add a Wal-Mart.

I always like to take a quick drive by the old house to see how tall the pine trees my dad and I planted have grown. It's amazing - these little seedlings planted along the property line now stand tall, overshadowing the entire house. It felt symbolic of how I've grown.

I pulled into my aunt and uncle's house and slowly meandered down the mile-long driveway. I saw a doe dart through the trees, alarmed at the sound of gravel crackling. When I got to the house, I opened the car door, took a deep breath and smiled. I could hear the sounds of the river in the back yard, and the kids voices were carried on a breeze through the leaves. They were fishing, just like we used to do when I was a kid. It made me feel good to knowing that Chani would be happy, even if she didn't have an iPod, PSP, cell phone or computer.

I really enjoyed driving out to my hometown today. I was refreshed by all of the great memories that came rushing back with every smell, sight and sound. It was nice to go home.

What kinds of things make you think of home? Are there certain things that bring back memories of childhood?

Leave a comment. I'd love to hear what kinds of things stir up feelings of nostalgia in you.

Celebrate Dads - Father's Day Contest Winners

2008-06-23T11:37:00.005-04:00

Thanks to everyone who participated in the Celebrate Dads - Father's Day Contest here at Discovering Dad. I received over 60 entries between posts written and new subscribers to the site, and I really appreciate each one of you taking the time to participate.

Five winners each win a full set of all 11 books shown below specifically selected for dads, courtesy of Hachette Book Group USA.

Here are the randomly selected winners:

Judy Haley from Coffee Jitters who wrote 5 Things I Learned from My Dad
Daniel De Guia from Deguia.net who wrote 10 Important Lessons My Dad Taught Me
Jason Roth from iVegasFamily who wrote On Fatherhood
Chris from Dad of Divas who wrote Pre-Father's Day Thoughts
and, new subscriber Viv from Cool Moms Rule!

In addition to the prize from Hachette Books, I have also given a Thumbs Up from Stumble Upon for each of the blogs selected to give each some well-deserved exposure!

Thanks again for participating everyone, and please stay tuned for an exciting announcement coming this week about Discovering Dad!

Related Posts:

Celebrate Dads - Father's Day Contest
Father's Day Contest - Celebrate Dads (original announcement)

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Do You Role Model Forgiveness?

2008-06-22T01:25:00.009-04:00

Forgiveness is defined as the act of ceasing to feel resentment against an offender. It also means to pardon, or excuse an offense without exacting a penalty. It's hard to forgive or pardon others who have wronged us, and forgiving ourselves for our own mistakes may be something even more difficult to do.

As parents, though, isn't it our job to role model positive behaviors for our children that we want them to emulate? We teach them to be polite, courteous, respectful and generous, and we often take the approach of leading by example in these regards. Why then would teaching forgiveness be any different?

The problem with forgiveness is that offenses are hard to forget. I'm not talking about minor slights or back-handed insults - obsessing over these is petty and a waste of time. I'm talking about serious offenses, like abuse, neglect, abandonment, repression and discrimination. I'm talking about life-changing offenses that are certain to influence who you are as a person and a parent. I'm talking about those things that happened to you, or by you, that your kids may have witnessed or will have questions about as they grow up.

I'm asking what example you will set for your children when it comes to these major offenses in your life. Will you teach them forgiveness?

As it relates to my own life, I am the kind of person who is quick to forgive the offenses of others (and forget them), but I have an extremely hard time forgiving myself.

I have experienced physical assault, verbal lashings, emotional torment and spiritual warfare on the part of others. I have been the object of many serious offenses, and in some cases, I might have even done something to deserve them.

Regardless of the rationale, I am proud to say that I have forgiven every person who has wronged me in my life. I have forgiven them because I do not want to allow them to have any type of control over me - not now, not ever. I forgave them so that I could forget about them and move on with my life.

On the other hand, like most people, I have done some bad things in my life too. I have wronged others undeservedly; I have acted out in extreme anger against another; I have cheated; I have stolen; I have lied; and, I have failed to put the needs of others closest to me ahead of my own.

I have sinned against God, my family and myself, and in spite of my best efforts, I'll probably do so again many times throughout the course of the rest of my life. Unlike my ability to forgive others, though, there are still things I have been unable to forgive in myself.

What does this example of forgiving others yet not myself teach my kids?

Sadly, I think it teaches them that forgiveness is conditional - it depends on the situation. The problem is conditional forgiveness means that you are making a conscious decision to allow something negative to have control over a part of your life.

It reinforces negative self-talk, and it damages your own self-image. More importantly, though, whether you like it or not, it limits your ability to love yourself (and others), and it is very likely that your kids are learning this behavior without you even realizing it.

I don't want this behavior to be passed down from father to daughter(s) and son. I want my kids to be happy, to love themselves and to have a positive self-image. I want my kids to be free - free from the offenses from themselves and others. I want my kids to learn unconditional forgiveness, so that they can lead empowered lives filled with both joy and enthusiasm.

This doesn't mean I expect them to always turn the other cheek when someone does them wrong. I encourage them to stand up for themselves and fight the good fight (figuratively and, if necessary, literally); however, it is more impressive to me when they are willing to let go of the anger before they act. Leading by example in this regard is something I am trying to do a better, and I do view it as my responsibility to teach them this concept in both words and actions.

Forgiveness is a hard thing to do no matter the offense or the offender. It requires maturity and confidence to pardon another for doing you wrong; and in my experience, it requires understanding and self-assurance to be able to forgive yourself.

How do you role model forgiveness for your kids?

Leave a comment with your thoughts or suggestions.

Related Posts:

Playground Justice - Memories of Hazing and Freeze Tag
Spotlight on Dads series
20 Kinds of Dads

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Spotlight on Dads - Jared Hoylman

2008-06-21T02:35:00.007-04:00

Spotlight on Dads is a weekly series from Discovering Dad that features involved fathers from around the world. The objective of the series is to inspire fathers to connect and learn from one another, while also deconstructing the stereotype of fathers as 'second' parents.

This week's spotlight shines on Jared Hoylman from DadThing. Jared has learned a thing or two about what it means to be a good dad over the past few years, while experiencing lots of new adventures with his son Ace.

Tell a little about yourself. Most recently, I am known as Ace's Dad. Pre-parenthood, I went by Jared Hoylman. I'm a 29 year old electronic engineer and have been married to my wonderful wife Sabrina (A.K.A. Momma) for almost 6 years now (we've been together for 10 years). We somehow conjured up a magical mixture of bodily fluids and created the light of our lives, Ace, who is now 15 months old. We also have a 10 year old dog named Buddy.

What about your family background? I grew up in small town Ohio, graduated from High School (4th in my class = dork) and started classes at DeVry University two weeks later. After a year of college I met my current wife, Sabrina. She was my neighbor. Convenient, eh? We dated for about a year and then moved in together during the final year of my college education.

I graduated with a BS in Electronic Engineering Technology. Sabrina and I moved to Colorado for three years, then to New Mexico for a year, and finally back to Ohio to be closer to our families. We traveled all over the country, but the one place that made us the happiest was home.

What do you like most about being a dad? My favorite thing about being a Dad is that I now have an excuse for acting stupid! If you saw a guy racing the shopping cart up and down the aisles at Target pretending it is a race car (and making race car noises), you would think he was crazy…unless his son was sitting in the driver’s seat and had a smile a mile wide. Then it would be OK. :D

On a more serious note, my favorite thing about being a Dad is watching Ace learn and grow…and being able to help him along the way. A child’s innocence and curiosity makes me remember what life is all about…the simple things in life and being happy!

What do you find most challenging about being a dad? Most challenging? Trying to achieve a balance between work and play. I was raised to get my work done, and then go play. I go to work all day long and when I come home there is always something that needs done…yard work, house work, fixing something, etc. At first, it was really hard for me to set all of that aside and take the time to sit on the floor and play with Ace.

I have began to realize that all of that stuff can wait. The grass will still be there tomorrow, but just be a little taller. It won’t hurt anything if I wait one more day to change the oil in my truck, ya know? But I only get one today with Ace and Momma.

The funny thing is that once I actually get down on the floor and start pushing trucks around, or banging on his toy xylophone…all that work stuff disappears into thin air.

What's your most memorable experience(s) so far as a dad? My most memorable experience as a Dad is seeing Ace lying on the scale at the hospital minutes after coming in to this world and reaching up to grab my finger with his tiny little hand. We have been best buds ever since.

In general, how do you think dads are perceived? Why? In general, I think that Dad’s are perceived as the dumber half of a couple who go to work and then come home and park it on the couch in front of the TV…at least that is the way most of the TV shows and movies portray Dads in general.

I’m sure that there are many Dads that do just that, however there are many more of us that go to work full time, get involved with our children’s lives after work, help our wives with the dishes, give baths, and then read bedtime stories…but that would not get high ratings in a TV show.

How has the experience as dad helped you discover something new about yourself? Becoming a Dad has shown me that I am not as smart as I thought I was. Every single day as a Dad represents itself with it’s own set of challenges and learning experiences. I think realizing that you do not know everything is an important part of becoming a good parent. You’ll make mistakes, be out smarted, and be totally dumbfounded about what the right thing to do might be. I strive to think things through, ask questions, and make educated decisions. If the decision I made was a bad one, then I admit it, learn from it, and move on.

"Realizing that you do not know everything is an important part of becoming a good parent."

Who do you go to for advice about fatherhood? I go to my wife. We are one hell of a team! If we can’t figure out what to do, then we just wing it and await the outcome. We have found that being good parents requires a little bit of common sense and a whole lot of patience.

Do you hang out with many other dads? If not, why? If so, what do you do together? I do not hang out with any other dads. Probably because I do not know any other Dad’s around my age that have young kids. I do have a friend who is expecting to be a Dad in a few months, so we will have to see where that goes.

Tell a little about your website. I do have a blog, which I call DadThing.

Becoming a Dad was a huge challenge for me because I had never been around a baby before. I knew absolutely nothing. I had never changed a diaper, made a bottle, or tried to soothe a crying baby.

DadThing started when Ace was about 6 months old. At first I wanted to create a reference type blog where I could share tips and tricks for new Dads like me, but soon found this awesome group of Mom and Dad bloggers who blogged to share their experiences as parents on a more personal level!

Now DadThing is just a story of our lives as a family. The ups, downs, and twists and turns along the way. All of the credit for DadThing’s following has to go to Ace though. Without him it would be a bunch of blabbering about this dorky guy, his awesome wife and their dog.

Next week's Spotlight on Dads will be both Annoying and Boring (NOT)! Come back and see next Saturday.

Spotlight on Dads is a weekly series published every Saturday on Discovering Dad. Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section. Your feedback and recommendations will help to shape this series. Thanks!

Related Posts:

Spotlight on Dads - Tony Chen
Spotlight on Dads - Tom Bowns
Spotlight on Dads - Derek Semmler
Spotlight on Dads - James Grayson
Spotlight on Dads - Geoff NukeDad
Spotlight on Dads - Joeprah
Spotlight on Dads - Ed Lamaze
Spotlight on Dads - Jim Lin
Spotlight on Dads - Jason Roth
Spotlight on Dads - Chuck Houghton
Spotlight on Dads - Scott Lancaster
Spotlight on Dads - Dana Glazer
Spotlight on Dads - Tyler Wainright
Spotlight on Dads - James Austin

Butterflies and Tiger Lilies - New Baby Room Pics

2008-06-20T00:39:00.011-04:00

Over the past six months, Lori and I have redone all of the kids rooms. Each of them have new furniture and freshly painted walls; meanwhile, Lori and I continue to use her childhood bedroom furniture combined with a few miscellaneous items we've found on sale over the years.

As I posted previously, Ty's new room is a fun sports theme:

And, Chani's room is a stylish yet classy teenage theme:

Finally, in spite of Lori's better judgment (she used to hate pink), she picked a bright pink and fuchsia Tiger Lily and Butterfly theme for Caitlin's room:

Now, maybe Lori and I will get the chance to redo our room in the next few years, but with two kids in diapers and one entering high school I somehow doubt that it will happen. Oh well, I barely sleep now anyway, so what difference does it make if our furniture is 20 years old or not?

I can think of 50 other things I'd rather spend money on than our bedroom, including the trip to Hawaii Lori has been begging me for over the last several years!

Do your kids have nicer bedrooms than you?

Related Posts:

Friday Round-up - The Kids' New Rooms

Playground Justice - Memories of Hazing and Freeze Tag

2008-06-19T01:41:00.008-04:00

I remember playing outside at school with my friends during recess. I was in third grade, and I loved running around, darting from one piece of equipment to another. Exercise, games and activities were the most common ways I got to know other kids and build relationships with them.

One day, while trying to get a group together to play a game of freeze tag, I noticed a few boys surrounding a kid who was new and different in our class. His name was Sanjay, and he recently moved to our small town from the big city (Baltimore). He spoke with a funny accent, and he dressed different from the rest of us. The majority of us had gone to school together since kindergarten, so he was considered an outsider.

As I ran up to the group, intent on getting them all to come and play the game with me, I experienced hazing for the first time. The boys were telling Sanjay to do all kinds of stupid and degrading things, like repeating words he couldn't pronounce or rubbing the dirt off his skin so it would be 'white' like theirs. I didn't quite know what to make of the situation, but it didn't seem right to me.

Each one of the boys egged another on, until all of them were taking turns harassing and ridiculing Sanjay. I just wanted to play tag though, so I blurted out, "Hey, come on, you guys wanna play freeze tag?" Sanjay looked at me and asked, "What freeze tag? I play?" Before I could answer, one of the other boys pushed him to the ground and said, "We don't play tag with you - you're not our friend!"

I don't think the other boy saw it coming, but Sanjay jumped up and clocked the shit out of him. He balled up his fists, and stood right over the kid and said, "I not play with you! I not play with you!"

The boy got up and ran off crying to tell the teacher what had happened - he was always a little tattletail who bullied people around because he was bigger than them. Meanwhile, Sanjay still had his fists up waving them around at the other boys, who also proceeded to run off like the chickenshits they were too.

He turned toward me to see if I was going to run. I was frozen though, as if I had been tagged in the game I originally wanted the boys to play. He could have clocked me in the mouth too. I don't think I would have moved. He didn't do that though.

Instead, we both started laughing. A slow dumbfounded laugh at first, followed by hysterical giggling. I didn't have to say anything - we both knew that the game was now officially on. I took off running like a bolt of lightning, heading toward the swings. Sanjay ran after me, and a bunch of kids joined in the game of tag that spontaneously erupted.

Recess ended with Sanjay being taken to the principal's office for hitting the other boy. As they took him away, he turned around with a big smile on his face and said, "Bye friend!" I waved back and smiled, and I knew I had made a good friend that day.

I've always liked people who weren't afraid to stand up for themselves, especially when they were disadvantaged, outnumbered or scared. I'm not saying it's OK to solve problems by hitting, but if someone pushes you then by gosh you have every right to defend yourself.

I know my kids deal with bullies and peer pressure, just like I did when I was growing up. I hope that they have the strength to stand up for themselves, just like my friend Sanjay did on the playground that day back in third grade.

Do you have any memories of playground justice? Hazing? Freeze tag, or other fun games? Share - leave a comment!

Discovering Dad on Soapbox Radio - The Podcast

2008-06-17T21:58:00.005-04:00

I had a great time as a guest on Soapbox Radio today, and I really appreciate all of the people who tuned into the live show and participated in the online chat room. It's always a little uncomfortable to spend an hour talking about myself, but I think Nicole (Soapbox Mom) did a great job conducting the interview. Thanks Nicole!

If you missed the show, I have the podcast recording to share with you. It's exactly one hour, so grab a beer, glass of wine or cup of coffee and enjoy listening to me ramble. I'd love to know your feedback, as well as answer any questions that we were unable to get to on the show today.

Here's the podcast:

Also, since I mentioned several other bloggers on the show that you may or may not know, here is a list of those people and links to their blogs. As I said in the interview, blogging is unique to traditional forms of media or reporting because of the interactive nature of it, which includes getting to know some amazing people like the ones listed here (among many others):

Jim at The Busy Dad Blog
Chuck at D is for Dad
Jason at iVegasFamily
Tyler at Building Camelot
Joe at Joeprah
Mr Lady at Whiskey in My Sippy Cup
Jen at Huckdoll's Hood
Kim at Jogging In Circles
Piper at Bliss in Bloom
Kelby at Type-A Mom and Dadosphere
Matt at The Playpen on Redsparks

Also, the other sites that I publish that were discussed in the interview are: American History Quotes, World History Quotes, Thoughts On Quotes, Lead Inspectors, Struck In Traffic and Artistic Pursuit. Nicole mentioned that I was also working on a few other "secret" projects, which I hope to share with you all over the coming months (very excited about them too)!

We also spent a lot of time talking about personal growth and development, and I mentioned a book that was particularly meaningful to me. If you want to buy it, here's my Amazon link to it: Now, Discover Your Strengths (book) or Now, Discover Your Strengths (audiobook). I strongly recommend this incredible book and taking the StrengthsFinder test that comes with it.

Thanks again to Nicole at Soapbox Mom for having me on her show today. I really enjoyed sharing more about me, my sites and my life. I feel very fortunate every day to be able to connect with so many great people through blogging, including you!

Please fee free to share your feedback or ask questions that came from listening to the interview. I'll try to answer them all!

If you'd like to stay up to date on the happenings at Discovering Dad, please subscribe to my feed.

Discovering Dad on Soapbox Radio

2008-06-16T00:07:00.003-04:00

On Tuesday, June 17, 2008, at 1:00 p.m. EST, I will be a guest on one of my favorite Mom Bloggers radio show called Soapbox Radio.

Here's a quick video promo that Soapbox Mom did for the show:

I hope you all will decide to call in to talk to me and Nicole, or at least join the chat room discussion. Looking forward to the show!

Related Posts:

ABC News - Daddys Go Digital Feature

Celebrate Dads - Father's Day Contest

2008-06-15T02:53:00.003-04:00

This Father's Day, I am celebrating by having a Celebrate Dads contest, in which 5 people will win a full set of all 11 books shown below specifically selected for dads, courtesy of Hachette Book Group USA.

There are 2 Easy Ways to Enter, and you CAN enter more than once:

1. Write a blog post about Father's Day and link back to this post. You can write about your father; you can write about your experience as a father; you can write about what it was like not to have a father; or, basically, you can write about anything poignant to do with fatherhood and what it means to you. All you have to do is link back to Discovering Dad, so I can track entries in Technorati. To be safe though, leave a comment on this post with the URL of your entry too.

2. Subscribe to the Discovering Dad Feed, then leave a comment on this post letting me know that you subscribed AND tell me one important thing you learned from your father. (You can also subscribe via e-mail by entering it in the Subscribe box in the top right hand corner of the site.)

That's it! Easy contest about an important topic - the importance of fatherhood and what it means to you!

Click here for original contest announcement and rules.

Top 10 Discoveries About Being a Good Dad

2008-06-14T22:35:00.008-04:00

This Father's Day, I felt it important to try and capture some of the key things I've learned as a father over the past 16 years. The theme of Discovering Dad is 'learning what it means to be a good dad,' so what's the point of learning if I don't share?

In no particular order, here's my Top 10 Discoveries About Being a Good Dad:

Enjoy the silence. Kids are fun, but they're also noisy. Babies cry. Toddlers ask questions. And, nowadays, school age kids not only talk your ear off, but also send you multiple text messages a day. In order to keep my sanity, I have to find time to sit in silence each day. I think the car is a good place for this, whether I'm driving somewhere or not.

Rules of the game. Every game I've ever played has rules - why should parenting be any different? My kids know that there are rules in our house, even if some are enforced differently by me and my wife Lori. I have a simple policy: follow the rules, and you get more freedom; break the rules, and you can count on being held accountable.

Talk loud and be direct. Teddy Roosevelt used to like to quote an African proverb, "Speak softly and carry a big stick." If that worked with his kids, then he is a better man than me. I have to talk loud to get my kids attention. And, once I've got it, I try to get directly to the point, before I lose them again.

Wrestling solves all problems. I wrestle with both my son and oldest daughter. Nine times out of ten, if they're upset about something, a good, old-fashioned wrestling match does the trick to get them and me in a good mood. There's something about roughhousing that has a positive effect on both me and the kids.

Sleep is a luxury. I can't remember the last time I felt completely rested. Our two youngest kids definitely keep me up more than I'd like; however, similar to the 'enjoy the silence' response, I tend to stay up late at night to get some peace and quiet while also getting some focused work done. The net result is a constant state of sleep deprivation. How do I deal with this? Well....I don't really; I just work until I'm done, and then I go to bed.

If you're not losing your hair, then you're not doing it right. My dad lost his hair when he was only 21-years-old - he is an awesome dad who definitely does things right. It's taken me a little longer, as I'm now 36-years-old and my hair just started thinning about two years ago. Baldness is a badge of fatherhood!

The look. Every good dad knows the importance of 'the look.' With the right look, I can stop my kids in their tracks, or let them know how proud I am of them. There are many different variations of 'the look,' and they all have unique meanings. The important thing is that there are ways you can communicate things to your child without having to say a word, which is very helpful in public places.

It's not like buying a used car. Ever been to a used car lot? The perception when driving up is that everything is negotiable. As a parent, there are very few times I feel inclined to negotiate with my kids. My teenage daughter gets input on decisions, which I value greatly; however, her mother and I are the ultimate decision makers. Our younger kids may want something other than what they have, but they know once a decision has been made that it is closed for discussion.

Get over yourself. Ego goes out the door once you become a parent. All of the sudden, life is not just about you anymore - there is another person who relies on you for advice, guidance and survival. All that time you used to spend doing things to feel better about yourself is now (mostly) invested in your kids or family.

Wear a cup. Parenting is hard; and, every so often, you get a wild pitch that beams you right in the jewels. After this happens 5 or 10 times, you start to catch on and begin thinking about taking precautionary measures. Wearing a mental cup is just as handy as wearing the genuine article.

While these are my Top 10 Discoveries About Being a Good Dad, it is certainly not an all-inclusive list. In fact, I feel like I learn something new every day, and I often wonder how I managed through my previous state of ignorance.

Share the most important things you've learned about being a good dad (or mom) in the comments. There's no reason why we can't learn more from each other!

Related Posts:

The Virtues of Fatherhood
Jammy Panty Party - Mother's Day '08
20 Kinds of Dads

Spotlight On Dads - Tony Chen

2008-06-14T07:00:00.001-04:00

Spotlight on Dads is a weekly series from Discovering Dad that features involved fathers from around the world. The objective of the series is to inspire fathers to connect and learn from one another, while also deconstructing the stereotype of fathers as 'second' parents.

This week's spotlight shines on Tony Chen from Savvy Daddy. Tony is an idea man - he loves to come up with new ways to make all aspects of his life and those around him better. He's also a huge Boston Red Sox fan, but I'll try not to hold that against him.

Tell a little about yourself. Hey ya'll, my name is Tony Chen. I'm married to my awesome wife Catherine. We have a 2-year-old son that we've nicknamed Meme (that's what he calls himself). We live in the northwest suburbs of Chicago, where we have cousins, aunts, uncles, and in-laws to play with.

Professionally, I'm a new business development director at a local hospital system. I'm basically the "new idea guy" - always looking for new partnerships, acquisitions, and building new programs from scratch to serve our patients better. I really enjoy interacting with others around healthcare and innovation, so I started a healthcare blog (hospitalimpact.org) 3+ years ago.

Other random stuff about me: I'm a lifelong Red Sox fan; I used to be known as the wedding singer; I play klezmer music on my accordion; I grew up in Blacksburg, Virginia; my favorite book is the Book of Psalms; I've got a little sister who is a professional toy pianist; I have an inherent weakness for peppermint patties, medium-rare steaks, and key lime pie; I'm an INFJ; and my hidden talent is one break-dancing move that I really need to retire.

What about your family background? My wife and I met on a set-up blind-date (thanks Wayne and Emily!). We met in February 2002 and tied the knot that November. I have to say that I'm both proud and embarrassed at our engagement story, which you can read on my hospital blog here. Sufficed to say, I don't look so hot as a woman, which is probably a good thing.

Both my wife and I are Chinese-American - we both were born in the states, but our parents are from Asia. It was really surreal to find out that our moms went to the same high school and college (in the same year!) in Taiwan, but didn't know each other until us. Small world. Shoot, who knows, maybe I'm BusyDad's 4th cousin or something?

What do you like most about being a dad? Oh man, how do I put this one into words!?! Being a kid again. Having a good excuse for smudges & stains on my clothes. Seeing the world through my son's eyes. I think the best things in life require us to say "no" to a lot of good things. So, as much as this sounds weird, I felt like a part of me died when I became a dad. I had to give up some freedom, independence, spare time, and sleep, but what I received in return was a zillion times better - "Yay! ba ba home!!!!"

What do you find most challenging about being a dad? For me, it's simply been the physical exhaustion which leads to guilt, poor judgment, and other fun stuff. Maybe the tiredness is more the cumulative effect of being a dad on top of all the other responsibilities. Or maybe it's that I just haven't said "no" (see previous answer) to enough good things that need to take a back seat for now. There are some days when I'm literally laying on the ground with Meme trying to pull me up to play with him. I don't like how that feels, but that's reality.

What's your most memorable experience(s) so far as a dad? Man, there have been so many. One that will be permanently implanted in me is the day that Meme started walking on his own. My wife called me while I was still at work, "You've got to come home to see this..." It was only 3PM, but I drove home to see my 13-month-old walk all over the place, arms flailing with the biggest smile on his face I've ever seen. It's just like the light just went on, and he decided he could do it, and then he did.

In general, how do you think dads are perceived? Why? In general, it seems to me that dads aren't perceived at all. It's like we're "silent partners" in this parenting thing. When we are perceived, the words that seem to show up are alimony, child support, ogre, abuse, and "aren't getting it done." I think perceptions are just a matter of numbers/probability. Most "stereotypes" actually hold true for a large portion of that population, right? We just don't like it when that stereotype doesn't represent us, or worse yet, is the opposite of us.

"Being a dad has changed everything in my life."

Anyway, this really doesn't impact my every day life, except that maybe with a better "stereotype," we could collectively convince employers to give real paternity leave and make work more father-friendly.

How has the experience as dad helped you discover something new about yourself? I've come to realize that being a dad has so much more to do with the hours I spend with my family. Being a dad has changed everything in my life. It brings up the questions of my life purpose, my legacy, my leadership, my character. Fatherhood is a full-time job - everything that's shaping my character and my life every day is also eventually shaping the character and life of my son. So, while I'm helping my son discover new things everyday, being his dad has been a daily journey of self-discovery for me, too.

Who do you go to for advice about fatherhood? I occasionally meet up with a few older guys who've been there done that. Man, invaluable to have that perspective - they can answer my long-winded, complicated questions with just a few words of wisdom, and BOOM, I can see through the fog of my own near-sightedness. One time, I was going on and on about how Meme needs us to sleep with him to fall asleep. One dad simply said, "you mean, YOU need to sleep with HIM." Yup, right on the mark.

Do you hang out with many other dads? If not, why? If so, what do you do together? I do have a few friends at church who have young'ens like Meme. Sometimes we'll all get together when our wives are working or having girl time. We'll go to the museum, the mall, or just hang out inside. I'm definitely looking forward to this summer - it'll be the first summer Meme can really experience the great outdoors.

Tell a little about your website. Having Meme enter into our lives was such an inspiration to me that I started a web magazine & online community for dads at www.savvydaddy.com. The site has been up for about 2 months and we're having a ton of fun - I've met so many great dads all across the country going through the same things and offering great perspectives. It's been great to find so many dads out there who care, including the many dad bloggers!

Next week's Spotlight on Dads will teach us a Thing or two about Dads! Come back and see next Saturday.

Spotlight on Dads is a weekly series published every Saturday on Discovering Dad. Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section. Your feedback and recommendations will help to shape this series. Thanks!

Related Posts:

Spotlight on Dads - Tom Bowns
Spotlight on Dads - Derek Semmler
Spotlight on Dads - James Grayson
Spotlight on Dads - Geoff NukeDad
Spotlight on Dads - Joeprah
Spotlight on Dads - Ed Lamaze
Spotlight on Dads - Jim Lin
Spotlight on Dads - Jason Roth
Spotlight on Dads - Chuck Houghton
Spotlight on Dads - Scott Lancaster
Spotlight on Dads - Dana Glazer
Spotlight on Dads - Tyler Wainright
Spotlight on Dads - James Austin

Welcome ABC News Readers - Daddies Go Digital Feature

2008-06-13T12:27:00.003-04:00

I just wanted to take a quick minute to say 'Welcome' to all of the new readers who are visiting Discovering Dad for the first time based on the Daddies Go Digital article on ABC News.com.

I hope you will take a minute to explore the site and leave a comment.

To learn more about Discovering Dad, I would recommend reading:

About Dad - some biographical information about Jeremy Biser, Publisher aka Discovering Dad.
History of Discovering Dad - some background information on the site came into existence.

Some of my most popular articles and series also include:

Spotlight on Dads Series - weekly series featuring a different Dad who is a good role model for both kids and other fathers.
20 Kinds of Dads - a candid yet non-exclusive list of the different kinds of dads.
What Moms Think @ Dads - a fun series where Moms share their thoughts about topics of interest to dads.
Premature Baby Series - a poignant series that chronicles the journey of our premature birth experience.

If you like what you see on the site and want to stay informed, feel free to Subscribe to Discovering Dad Feed, or enter your e-mail address in the subscribe box on the top right corner of the site.

Please feel free to e-mail me with any feedback you may have as well.

Thanks for visiting Discovering Dad, and I hope to see you back soon!

Premature Baby - An Emotional Journey

2008-06-13T00:32:00.004-04:00

The birth of a child is an amazing thing. For most parents, it is an experience filled with joy and elation. For some, though, it is a time filled with stress and apprehension, especially when it's a premature birth.

My wife Lori and I recently experienced first hand the emotional roller coaster ride after having our daughter Caitlin six weeks early. In the best case scenario, a preemie will just need a few extra days to adjust to life outside the womb; however, in many cases, the baby experiences complications that need additional care before coming home.

Our little girl had a severe intestinal infection, which was diagnosed as Necrotizing Enterocolitis. Her condition also caused a series of related complications, which ultimately kept her in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit for 23 days after being born.

During the experience, I wrote a series of blog posts to try and capture the essence of what our family went through.

Introducing Baby Caitlin
Premature Labor - Dealing With the Unexpected
Premature Birth - Not Quite the Joyful Experience
Premature Hope - The Calm Before the Storm
Premature Confidence - The Long Fall Down
Premature Panic - Hitting Rock Bottom
Premature Heartache - Darkness before Light
Premature Doubt - Emotional Overload
Premature Anguish - A Repeat Performance
Premature Distraction - Both Kids Get Sick
Premature Patience - Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Premature Relief - Our Preemie Comes Home!

Writing these posts was one of the hardest yet most therapeutic things I've ever done. I have a tendency to shut down when stressful things happen to me, but I tried not to do that this time. I tried to remain open and channel all of the positive thoughts and energy sent to me from friends, family members and readers to our little Caitlin, who needed all the love she could get.

There were times when Lori and I thought that we couldn't handle one more thing going wrong, but then we'd get a phone, e-mail, Twitter message or blog comment letting us know we weren't alone. It's amazing how powerful small amounts of encouragement can be when you really need them.

Every bit of love shared with us was passed on to Caitlin too! And, look at her now, you would never know that there was anything wrong. She is truly a fighter, and I am so proud of her!

Thank you all very much! We sincerely appreciate every little thing done to make this emotional journey bearable. I'll be sure to keep you updated on Caitlin's life as she grows into a happy and healthy little girl!

Premature Relief - Our Preemie Comes Home!

2008-06-12T01:42:00.004-04:00

This article is a continuation from Premature Patience - Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

Lori and I both woke up early yesterday morning. The doctor confirmed for us the day before that the Necrotizing Enterocolitis was probably not going to reoccur. She said the only stumbling block to bringing Caitlin home was gaining weight. As long as she went back in the positive direction, then we could take her home.

Lori called the NICU to see if Caitlin gained weight, and whether or not the doctor made a decision about her coming home. The nurse said Caitlin did gain back what she lost the day before; however, the doctor was in the middle of rounds and had not made a decision yet.

In order to kill some time, I checked e-mail and messed around on Twitter. Lori got dressed and ready to go. It's amazing how slowly time moves when you're watching the clock.

Finally, shortly after 10:00 a.m., Lori came walking downstairs with a disappointed look on her face. She came into my office and sat on my lap. Then, she looked up at me and smiled, "Our little Caitlin is coming home!!!"

Hooray! Woot! Woot! Man, what a relief!

Caitlin is a fighter, and I am so proud of her. I couldn't wait to go get her. It had been 23 days since she was born, and we had been confined to an 6' x 8' area in the NICU for that entire time. I was looking forward to seeing her without all the wires connected. I wanted to walk around freely with her, like normal people do with their healthy babies.

Caitlin had overcome a major infection in her intestines, as well as a cascade of other problems associated with it. She had experienced things in her first three weeks of life that I wouldn't wish on my least favorite person in the world. She drove me and Lori both to tears on many occasions, but yet she always remained strong. Her little body did an amazing thing - it healed.

Here's a brief photo montage chronicling some of the experiences we had over the past 23 days:

Over the course of this time, I was surprised and humbled by the tremendous support and outreach our family and friends provided. Caitlin had thousands of people praying for her, or sending positive thoughts and well wishes; and, we can't thank all of you enough for your kindness and consideration.

Some say they don't believe in the power of positive thinking, or the power of prayer. I say that those people have probably never had to go through an experience like this. Each one of you helped to bring Caitlin home with every thought, prayer, card, phone call, e-mail, Twitter message or post comment.

I hope that you will all join me one more time in sending baby Caitlin a positive message:

Welcome Home Caitlin!!!

Thank you all very much. I'll be sure to give you an update on how Miss Caitlin is doing shortly. Between her, Ty and Chani, I should have lots of great stuff to share this summer!

Related Posts:

Premature Patience - Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Premature Distraction - Both Kids Get Sick
Premature Anguish - A Repeat Performance
Premature Doubt - Emotional Overload
Premature Heartache - Darkness before Light
Premature Panic - Hitting Rock Bottom
Premature Confidence - The Long Fall Down
Premature Hope - The Calm Before the Storm
Premature Birth - Not Quite the Joyful Experience
Premature Labor - Dealing With the Unexpected
Introducing Baby Caitlin

Premature Patience - Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

2008-06-11T00:46:00.005-04:00

This article is a continuation from Premature Distraction - Both Kids Get Sick

It was Saturday morning, and Caitlin was just six days old. It's hard to explain the effect of being in the NICU on parents, especially if your child has problems. The hours seem like days and the minutes like hours. It always seems like your waiting for the other shoe to drop or the next bit of bad news.

This morning though, we actually got some good news. Our perky nurse told us that the doctor wanted to talk to us about the x-ray results they received from a few hours ago. Even though she seemed like it was going to be good news, Lori and I remained cautious and skeptical. We did notice that Caitlin's color seemed better, and she wasn't grimacing as much while sleeping.

A few minutes later, the doctor came over and asked us to follow her to the office, so we could look at the full series of x-rays in chronological order. At this point, it had been about 32 hours since the initial diagnosis of Necrotizing Enterocolitis and treatment began (stopped all feedings, in order to let her intestines rest).

She pulled up the first x-ray, and it showed a widespread presence of air pockets throughout her entire intestinal system. The, second x-ray looked pretty much the same. Then, she pulled up the x-ray from this morning. It was unbelievable. A day earlier it looked like a mass of black tubing, now it looked like clear white tubes with only a few spots of black air pockets remaining. It was a miracle, and the doctor said she was very pleasantly surprised. Normally, it takes at least 48 - 72 hours to see this kind of progress, she said.

It was the first bit of good news we had received since Caitlin was born.

The doctor told us that she wasn't out of the woods yet; however, she did feel that the risk of perforation of the intestines (which produces an estimated 25% mortality rate) was probably over. Our little girl was going to be OK, and Lori and I could breathe a little easier now too.

The doctor did say that even though the major risk had subsided, there were still many other concerns that needed to be monitored and corrected during the healing process. Her jaundice levels needed to come down; she had developed a slight heart murmur; her white blood cell counts dropped significantly to fight off the infection; and, she was also becoming anemic.

Finally, the doctor said that Caitlin would need to continue taking antibiotics and remain on intravenous nutrition for at least 10 days. She recommended that Lori use the opportunity to stockpile breast milk and freeze it, as this would be more easily tolerated by Caitlin once feedings were reintroduced.

If everything went well, then Caitlin might be able to come home in a few weeks, after her intestines were healed, she was eating normally, gaining weight and free from any of the other issues that had arisen.

And so, we waited. And prayed. And waited. And prayed. And waited some more.

On Monday - Day 8 - I took Ty to the pediatrician's office to check on his cough, which had worsened over the weekend. He didn't have a temperature and his ears and chest seemed clear, so they said we'd have to "ride it out." I hate when they say that, even if it is the right approach. Going to the doctor's office and not getting a prescription is like going to Starbucks and not getting any coffee.

On Tuesday - Day 9 - The doctor finally said we could hold Cailtin again. It was so nice to snuggle with her! We could only hold her for an hour, but it was an awesome feeling.

On Wednesday - Day 10 - I got a call at 2:00 a.m. from the doctor saying that Caitlin's PICC line (central catheter line) had punctured a vein and dumped her nutritional supply into her body cavity. He did an x-ray to make sure nothing got into the lungs or heart and, thankfully, it didn't. It did cause some noticeable swelling that might take a few days to go down. The bad thing about this was that they had to remove the PICC line and put in a regular intravenous line, which meant Caitlin would have to go through the surgical procedure again to get another PICC line reinserted within the next day or so.

On Thursday - Day 11 - The doctor could not get the PICC line to insert properly in either of Caitlin's arms, so on the third try they finally got it to work on her leg. Ty and I were both sick this day, so I stayed home with him and just drove Lori to-and-from the hospital.

On Sunday - Day 14 - Caitlin took her last dose of antibiotics, and she was reintroduced to minimal bottle feeding (3 cc's) that evening. We finally got the majority of the finishing touches done on Caitlin's room, which is pink with a capital P! My mom flew into town to help us with Ty for a few days and see Caitlin. It was really nice to have her here to give Lori's parents a break, as well as provide an opportunity for Ty to get to know her better. She was great moral support for me and Lori too.

On Monday - Day 15 - as the feedings progressed, Caitlin started having trouble digesting her milk again. Instead dumping from her stomach into her intestines, it was just sitting in her stomach. The doctor decided to switch her over to a partially digested formula, which would be easier for her body to process. At this point in time, we wanted to see two things: 1) no residual formula in her belly after 3 hours of feeding, and 2) a ginormous poop that proved her intestines were working again. Again, we waited patiently.

On Tuesday - Day 16 - Caitlin's bowels finally started working again, but she did require a suppository in order to get even a tiny bit of poop to come out. Her bilirubin count also came down enough to remove the phototheraphy blanket. One more item checked off her list of problems.

On Thursday - Day 18 - Caitlin was processing the majority of her milk with each feeding, so they decided to start mixing the formula with breast milk. Lori still wasn't able to breast feed directly yet, as they needed to measure every bit of food intake she had. It was clear that her stomach and intestines were working now, but Lori and I were very nervous - this is about the time frame after starting to feed that the NEC first reared its head (no signs of it coming back yet though). My mom left to go back home this day - we were so thankful for her coming to help!

On Friday - Day 19 - Caitlin was fiesty this day, which was great because it seemed like "normal" baby behavior. I was holding her and started to feel something wet on my leg. At first I thought she peed on me, but then I realized it was blood. After further inspection, Lori and I noticed that she had snapped her PICC line in half and all of the nutritional stuff was seeping out onto me. They tried to repair the line, but no luck. They had to put a normal intravenous line back in her arm. Ty was still sick, and I was continuing to work on less than five hours of sleep each night.

On Sunday - Day 21 - The first real talk about Caitlin coming home happened. Lori didn't want to get her hopes up, so she said that she would happy if it was in a week. I wanted it to be sooner, but I chose only to express that too Lori. The doctor said that we should bring in the car seat so the nurses could make sure it was OK, and then it would just come down to her feedings, weight gain levels and anemia. Caitlin's new weight was six pounds six ounces, or one full pound more than at birth.

On Monday - Day 22 - Caitlin passed her car seat test, and the test results for the anemia came back favorable. The only problem was that she lost weight, so the doctors wanted to give her some more time to get back on track. Ty was still coughing like crazy, and overnight he threw up again on me and his bed. The pediatrician said we needed to "ride it out" though, so damned if we weren't riding ourselves into delirium.

The waiting game was almost over, but no one actually said to us that the NEC was completely gone and would not return. So, I asked the question.

Would the NEC return? Would Caitlin gain weight again? When will Caitlin come home? .....

I'll post more about our story soon. In the meantime, feel free to get caught-up by reading the Related Posts below and see pictures of our baby girl Caitlin Arielle.

Related Posts:

Premature Distraction - Both Kids Get Sick
Premature Anguish - A Repeat Performance
Premature Doubt - Emotional Overload
Premature Heartache - Darkness before Light
Premature Panic - Hitting Rock Bottom
Premature Confidence - The Long Fall Down
Premature Hope - The Calm Before the Storm
Premature Birth - Not Quite the Joyful Experience
Premature Labor - Dealing With the Unexpected
Introducing Baby Caitlin