HEFF'S BAR & GRILL

There's Always "Hope".

2008-08-29T15:02:00.002-05:00

McCain picks a female running mate ? This will be interesting.

Thursday's Thoughts...From The Bar/What's On Tap, Heff ? - Combo Platter !

2008-08-28T00:01:00.002-05:00

Thought Portion : "How Low Will Heff Go ?"

Yes folks, Heff has decided to "downgrade" beers price-wise once again. In my quest to provide -you the viewer- with informative answers as to which beers are great to get fucked up on, I must admit - surprisingly, I'm quite happy with my latest selection. I always thought this beer would ABSOLUTELY SUCK, but I was wrong. At $ 10.88 a case, this shit is worth it's weight in Gold, if not actual cash. That averages out to around 45 cents a beer. Hell, I wouldn't bend over for 45 cents...well, that would depend on who asked me to bend over, I guess.

- I digress.

Donna proudly displays her BUSCH ! (The beer, folks. The beer.)

I thought I was happy with Natural Light as my new Beer of Choice, but it had a "wang" to it that was tolerable, but I didn't really care for. Hell, I figured after 5 or so Natty Lights, the wang wouldn't bother me. I was wrong, and Donna later informed me that "A Wang, is a Wang, is a Wang". Ok then. Busch light has a clean, light flavor with NO krappy aftertaste. It's the poor-man's Michelob Ultra. (sob!)

Busch Light - Natural Aging, Natural Carbonation. Great Taste in an easy drinking light beer. - It says so on the fucking can !!! I actually drank around 12 of these last Friday night, and was still able to perform somewhat coherently with Butlik. It's good stuff.

Give it a whirl - The only thing you'll be raping is brain cells, not your wallet.

Happy H.N.T., Phuckerz ! Heff's Bar And Grill Management, OUT.

Handy Heff !

2008-08-26T17:45:00.021-05:00

Another rainy weekend has gone by in which "Sir Randall of YellaWood" has not shown up to finish my deck. I decided that if he wasn't here by Noon, I was going to get off my ass and get productive instead of sitting on my ass waiting for him all day. Donna had just acquired a vase (pronounced Vah-ze) from the chick next door, and I thought it was hideous. Well, it actually looked pretty good, but as everyone knows - NONE of Heff's decor can be white, and this vase was SOLID white. Heff sprang in to action ! Down stairs I ran to my library of spray paints. 1 hour later - new looking vase. Just look at that elegant "Ghetto-Roman" styling !!! Perfect for the Bar area. (Now, If I'd just paint my interior walls. Another time, perhaps...)

Oh, but Heff wasn't done yet, not by a long shot. Donna's Dad fabricated Heff a smoker hood about a year ago that didn't quite fit my grill. It was high time I took care of that problem... Heff breaks out the hand held metal grinder to make adjustments. Yes kids, it IS a good idea to hold a grinder in one hand and take a picture with the other !

After reducing a few dimensions, smoothing, & coating with high-heat spray paint, it's time to drill through the metal, and attach the hood handles...FUCK ! I pulled a "Marissa Hatcher" !

After replacing my drillbit, SUCCESS !

Now all Heff needs to do is cure the paint with fire on a dry day, and then I can do one of the things I love to do the most....SMOKE SOME BUTT !!!

Celebrity Birthday !

2008-08-25T00:01:00.007-05:00

Happy Celebrity Birthday to Rachael Ray, who turns 40 years old today ! She hosts the syndicated talk/lifestyle program "Rachael Ray" and two Food Network series, "30 Minute Meals" and "Rachael Ray's Tasty Travels". Heff watches her Food Network show "30 Minute Meals" occasionally, thanks to Donna's desire to learn how to cook EVERYTHING. From time to time during the show, Heff's mind wanders...Rachael Ray is pretty cute. I often find myself wondering - What if Rachael Ray.... was "A Dirty" ?

Oh, C'mon - You KNOW you've thought about it ! Let's explore that possibility in true Heff's Bar and Grill fashion. Press "Play" for some audio while viewing the pictures below to further enhance your virtual "Meat Preparation with Rachael Ray" experience. Let Rachael completely finish her audio work. You'll be glad you did (or, maybe you won't).

...I'm beginning to feel a little "strained", myself.

"Why Yes, I think I WOULD like some of your Pie, Please !"

"I sure wish you were cooking up some big-ass ChestHams instead of that damn Turkey..."

Yes, one of my alter-egos is NOT a fan of Rachael Ray :

For those of you that feel even MORE OPPOSED to Rachael Ray than Colonel ChestHams, there's always the Rachael Ray Sucks Community !

Special thanks to FHM for this ridiculous (but real) photo spread, and to Rachael Ray, of course. NOW GET YOUR ASS BACK IN THE KITCHEN !!!

Page 3, Please...

2008-08-22T00:01:00.003-05:00

In this month's issue of Playboy we have the College Football Roundup where Auburn is projected to be 9th in the nation. The Crimson Turd ? Yeah - not on the list. Couldn't they have picked a more curvy woman than Anna Faris to play "The House Bunny" ? This movie is destined to blow anyway. I'll be sure to read "The Rise of Guns N' Roses", as I just can't get enough "Asshole Rose" in my life. The Centerfold, Valerie Mason, is a brunette "D"light. "Beauty and the Geek" winner Amanda Corey gets naked (the geeks can have her). Without question, the best feature in this issue is the British Page 3 girls spread (which is actually located on page 104). Right off the bat, Lucy Pinder is nipple to nipple with Michelle Marsh. There must be something in the water over there, because all of these poor girls are stricken with MASSIVE CHESTHAMS !

In closing, if you can't find the bunny on THIS cover, you're an absolute fucking DOLT.

HEFF'S WOODOMETER RATING : A -

Have a good weekend, my peeps !

Thursday's Thoughts...From The Bar.

2008-08-21T00:01:00.004-05:00

Oh, just L@@K at this weak bullshit : I tell ya, the ONLY "Drinkin'Mate" I need is blonde with a big rack. Folks, If you can't deal with your hangover the day after you drink yourself into oblivion, you've got no business drinking in the first place. THAT'S your best defense.

Hell, the hangover is just part of the fun !

"Oh my God - my head hurts! Where are my Drinkin'Mate(tm) Tabs ??!?"

- You fuckin' pussy!

This product claims to defend against headache, queasy stomach, & dehydration with 1000mg of Guava Leaf Extract per tab - whether you've had one, two, "or more" drinks. Yeah, Whatever. They better define the term "or more" in a greater detail because this product is probably worthless to my 12-pack killin' ass, anyway.

I'm guessing that somewhere on the packaging you'd also find that infamous sentence - "WARNING : THIS PRODUCT MAY CAUSE SEXUAL SIDE EFFECTS AS WELL AS CRIPPLING EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA."

I could be wrong.

I'll stick with water, a raw egg, and a toilet within close proximity. It's the true Champion's way of dealing with a hangover.

Enjoy your Thursday.

-Heff's Bar and Grill Management.

Metal Monday !

2008-08-18T00:01:00.003-05:00

Heff and Clay practice for a rather important upcoming jam. Here's a picture of Clay with his brand new Dean Accoustic/Electric Flying V, which will NOT be used in the course of our Commander "Tour De Lik" Jam Session. This next picture is off topic, but dedicated to Tachae :

About 10 "Natty lights" later, the Axe O' Heff and Clay's classic Randy Rhoads Jackson V are whipped out ! Here's the Pièce de résistance, folks - A short clip of the Butlik string section playing a Black Sabbath classic :

Aw yeah..doesn't that video snippet just make you want MORE Butlik ?!?

I thought so.

Thursday's Thoughts...From The Bar/What's On Tap, Heff ? Combo Platter.

2008-08-14T10:22:00.006-05:00

Thoughts Portion : "I thought I remembered this being a better beer..."

Damn, that happy look on my face was quickly removed ! Last night I drank a classic - "Old Milwaukee". The can claims it's "America's Best Tasting Beer", which is complete and utter bullshit. Old Milwaukee isn't the worst beer I've ever tasted, but it certainly isn't the best. It's a very "sudsy" beer which bloated Heff rather quickly. At twelve bucks a twelve pack, you could do worse, but you could do one hell of a lot better. Oh well, it all gets you to the same place. No more Old Milwaukee for Heff, though.

"The Way We Roll..."

2008-08-13T08:42:00.010-05:00

By popular demand, Iron Heff's Kitchen (Donna) is releasing her Chilli's Southwestern Eggroll recipe. These “eggrolls” absolutely kick fucking ass, and when you add the avocado ranch dipping sauce, your tastebuds will fuckin' party. Make these at least a day before you plan to devour them so that they can freeze solid before deep frying. This helps to make the outside a dark golden brown, and the eggrolls will stay folded without letting any oil seep into the filling.

IMPORTANT NOTE FROM IRON HEFF :

THIS RECIPE WILL ONLY MAKE 3 TO 5 SERVINGS. As you'll see in the photos, I have Donna multiply the ingredients by 8 or so, to make anywhere from 40 to 45 Egg rolls at once to freeze for later, because FUCK - these things are kind of a bitch to make - may as well make a shitload and store 'em up.

Step One - Make sure the Chef is Happy

Affirmative ! Geez, does her hair get shorter on every post, or what ?!?

THE SHIT YOU'LL NEED :

1 chicken breast fillet
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
2 tablespoons minced red bell pepper
2 tablespoons minced green onion
1/3 cup frozen corn
1/4 cup canned black beans, rinsed and drained
2 tablespoons frozen spinach, thawed and drained
2 tablespoons diced, canned jalapeno peppers
1/2 tablespoon minced fresh parsley
1/2 teaspoon cumin
1/2 teaspoon chili powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
dash cayenne pepper
3/4 cup shredded Monterey Jack cheese
five 7-inch flour tortillas

AVOCADO - RANCH DIPPING SAUCE :

1/4 cup smashed, fresh avocado (about half of an avocado)
1/4 cup mayonnaise
1/4 cup sour cream
1 tablespoon buttermilk
1 1/2 teaspoons white vinegar
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon dried parsley
1/8 teaspoon onion powder
dash dried dill weed
dash garlic powder
dash pepper

GARNISH :
2 tablespoons chopped tomato
1 tablespoon chopped onion

1. Preheat grill to high heat.

Done !

2. Rub the chicken breast with some vegetable oil then grill
it on the barbecue for 4 to 5 minutes per side or until done.
Lightly salt and pepper each side of the chicken while it cooks.
Set chicken aside until it cools down enough to handle.

3. Preheat 1 tablespoon of vegetable oil in a medium-size skillet
over medium-high heat.

4. Add the red pepper and onion to the pan and sauté for a couple
minutes until tender.

5. Dice the cooked chicken into small cubes and add it to the pan.
Add the corn, black beans, spinach, jalapeno peppers, parsley,
cumin, (Hell, add some MORE cumin - I LOVE Cumin ! ) chili powder, salt, and cayenne pepper to the pan. Cook for another 4 minutes. Stir well so that the spinach separates and is incorporated into the mixture.

6. Remove the pan from the heat and add the cheese. Stir until the
cheese is melted.

This is quickly becoming WORK, isn't it ?

7. Wrap the tortillas in a moist cloth and microwave on high
temperature for 1 1/2 minutes or until hot.

8. Spoon approximately one-fifth of the mixture into the center
of a tortilla. Fold in the ends and then roll the tortilla over
the mixture. Roll the tortilla very tight, then pierce with a
toothpick to hold together. Repeat with the remaining ingredients
until you have five eggrolls. Arrange the eggrolls on a plate,
cover the plate with plastic wrap and freeze overnight.

"Chill Dudes. Just Chill..."

9. While the eggrolls freeze, prepare the avocado-ranch dipping
sauce by combining all of the ingredients in a small bowl.

10. After the eggrolls are frozen solid, Preheat Deep Fryer full of oil to 375 degrees.

"Into the Pool, you fat bastards !"

11. Deep fry the eggrolls in the hot oil for 5 to 10 minutes (until golden brown) and remove to paper towels or a rack to drain for about 2 minutes.

Golden Brown, Just the way Heff likes 'em !

12. Slice each eggroll diagonally lengthwise and arrange on a
plate around a small bowl of the dipping sauce. Garnish the
dipping sauce with the chopped tomato and onion.

These things absolutely Kick Ass. Take my advice - make a shitload and store 'em up in your freezer to deep fry later. It's worth the effort if you make 40 or so at one time.

This is Iron Heff signing off from Bitchin' Stadium. Tune in to Iron Heff America next month, Where Heff's Cuisine Reigns Supreme, fuckers !

"A Great Pair"

2008-08-12T09:02:00.003-05:00

It's raining at Heff's Bar and Grill today, so let's view a photo from a few days back when weather was much more nice.

Below, we see Donna's pair of rosey pink Amaryllis in full glory. Jaw dropping blooms, if I do say so myself. The Amaryllis is also known as the BellaDonna Lily or Naked lady. Go figure.

Classic Ads

2008-08-11T14:37:00.002-05:00

Holy SHIT ! What year would THIS have been ? Thank God some genius at Schlitz invented the now widely-used "SOFTOP" can. I wouldn't know how to act if I had to use a hammer and chisel or better yet, a rifle - to open my beer.

"And The Winner Is....."

2008-08-08T00:01:00.002-05:00

Congratulations to Iliza Schlesinger for winning the title of "Last Comic Standing" on NBC last night. Iliza won against all odds, especially considering the fact that she's physically hideous...

Thursday's Thoughts...From The Bar

2008-08-07T13:52:00.015-05:00

"NO MORE PEAS, PLEASE..."

Much to my chagrin, Donna came home with yet another shitload of garden-fresh Purple Hull Peas yesterday.

Quote the Donna - "Honey, it's very important that we shell ALL of these peas tonight, so they don't dry up and become difficult to shell later."

Holy Fuck. Can it get any worse than this on our Wednesday Night Drink-A-Thon ? Apparently so.

Quote the Donna - "We'll get "intimate" ONLY AFTER all the peas are shelled."

Ok, actually I cleaned that up a bit. I think she really said "No shellie / No fuckie".

Great. Just Great. Needless to say, Heff quickly became a determined pea-shelling motherfucker.2 sore purple thumbs and 5 and a half solid drunken hours later, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. Well - ONE mission, anyway.

What do these things go for, 80 cents a can ? Yeah, that was worth it.

Celebrity Birthday Roast !

2008-08-06T00:01:00.011-05:00

Happy Celebrity Birthday to Butlik Co-Founder and ex-bass player "ALNBASS69", who turns 39 years old today. Yes, "69" is his birth year, NOT his sexual position of choice...At least that's what he told me the last time we were naked together...

Al and myself have known each other since we were 5 or so, and he's one of my best friends. I think I probably rate in his "Eccentric Best Friends" category as well. Anyhoo, we still pick up the phone most of the time when we call each other.

What Al lacks as a regular Blog Commenter, he lacks even more of as a Bass player !

When Al's not busy shooting holes in the ceiling of his own home with a 45, he follows "Poison" (his favorite rock band aside from Bon Jovi) across the Nation.

Let's dedicate a "rockin' " video to Big Al on his special day !

Happy 39th, Bitch. You're still ONE HELL of a Butlik Bass Monkey !

Celebrity Birthday !

2008-08-04T12:19:00.006-05:00

Happy Birthday to Billy Bob Thornton, a.k.a. Karl Childers, who turns 53 today. Ok, enough about Billy Bob Thornton, I really don't have too much for him.

Hatch and myself use to work with a guy that not only LOOKED, but also sounded like, AND acted like Karl Childers. His name was "Elmer" - no shit. I personally have always been compassionate toward the mentally challenged, but Hatch gave that dumb motherfucker Hell ! Play with the soundboard below to virtually experience the constant verbal irritation Elmer unleashed upon Hatch and Heff during the early Nineties on a job we'd both rather forget about.

The "Like Taters" audio clip is right on the money.

Soundboard Archive - Prank Call Soundboards

Heff's 30 Mile Radius Restaurant Review !

2008-08-02T00:01:00.006-05:00

Yes, Heff has once again pounded the pavement to bring you only the BEST of fine chain restaurant reporting ! Chili's Grill & Lounge - Inverness location. Hang on tight, Axe - here's your 8 page menu !

We started out with Queso Dip, Chips, and delectable Jugs O' MagicShip on the side....We planned on ordering the traditional Chili's "Onion Blossom", but were told that after over 15 years, it had finally been taken off the menu only two weeks earlier. What a PISSER !

Donna's Main Course - Chili's Minis, appropriately titled "Big Mouth Bites".I don't know why Mini burgers with onion rings have become all the rage in chain restaurants lately, but I'm sure the fad will pass.

Heff's Chipotle Bleu Cheese Bacon Burger. "Let the carnal grease-fest begin !" They had Babyback Ribs on the menu and I order THIS SHIT ? I'm really starting to become concerned for my own well-being.

Yep, still smokin' in public in these here parts....

Chili's actually has a Kick-Ass bar. It was constructed very similar to Heff's bar, but covered with tile - Very Nice. I may need to invest in a few neon signs my damn self.

"And this too, shall pass..." Heff stops abruptly to take a shot of the commodious facilities before burning a rather steadfast mule.

Chili's Grill & Lounge is a lot of fun. A pretty nice place to eat and drop a deuce.

Give them a try if you haven't already eaten there a thousand times like we have. I'll give 'em a firm B+. They could've ponied up a little more toilet paper for Heff.

Thursday's Thoughts...From The Bar/What's On Tap, Heff ? - Combo Platter !

2008-07-31T00:01:00.004-05:00

Thought Portion of the post : Yes ! OFF with the Corona garb !

Second Thought Portion : What Genius came up with this Brew ?!?

Oh my ! Just L@@K at this new shit - It's Bud Light Clamato Chelada !

Yes, folks - Nothing begs binge drinking quite like beer mixed with Tomato Juice and Clam Broth ! The name "Chelada" is a shortened form of the Spanish word, "michelada" which loosely translates to ‘my cold beer'.

That's funny - I'd swear it translated to "cold female crotch"!

Let's watch in amazement as Heff tries this NEW "seafood" product :

And as always, "Plenty O. ChestHams" had to get involed as well. I'm sure No male soul alive will complain...And for the record, Jesus! - Her facial expressions reminded me of a much more well endowed Carey Heffernan. Well, At least "Heff" is in there somewhere....

Alllllrighty then. I didn't jump the shark at ALL with this post ! Brewed at Anheuser-Busch’s St. Louis brewery, Budweiser Clamato Chelada contains 5 percent alcohol by volume and Bud Light Chelada contains 4.2 percent ABV. It's available in 24-ounce single-serve cans and 16-ounce, four-pack cans. Of course, we splurged and bought the 4 pack, and NONE STILL STAND ! Make your purchase today ! Take it from Heff - IT'S WORTH THE MONEY !

Seriously folks - This shit is GOOD - But don't binge drink it, of course. (Heff's Bar and Grill NEVER endorses binge drinking.) I will say this - drink one SLOWLY. You'll be surprised at how good it is : )

Special Thanks (of course) to Donna for playing along, and to Hatch - for turning me on (oh yes!) to this fuct up conCOCKshun !

HAPPY HNT, FUKKERZ !!!

P.S. I don't really drink alcohol, I SWEAR.

Kneel, B-Low Me.

2008-07-29T00:01:00.006-05:00

Well folks, it appears Heff's Bar and Grill has won a coveted "Arte Y Pico Award" for Blog Contributions (of sorts). At least WhatIGotSoFar put me down as the 5th recipient on his list of 5 Top Blog Contributors for "digitizing the Bar and Grill experience. He likes good music and likes a good drink once in a while. Isn’t that what a Bar and Grill should provide?"

Thanks WhatIGot, I FEEL HONORED.BEHOLD MY AWARD, FUCKSTICKS ! It will be forever displayed on the right sidebar of this blog.

At this point, I think I'm supposed to list 5 little known facts about myself, and choose 5 blogs that I think should be given this award, but I'm a selfish Mofo, and I'm keeping the award for myself. As always, I'd like to thank all the Little Bastards that made winning this award possible....I can die having lived a charmed, fulfilled life now.

"Man's Work."

2008-07-27T17:53:00.010-05:00

NOT. EVEN. CLOSE. TO. DONE.
Well, what can I say - we didn't get too far along on the Massive "Deck O' Heff" project this weekend. We had to knock down & remove "Old Faithful", deliver the new deck materials ourselves, and then build what we could. My apologies to anyone that called Saturday night. I was out cold by 9:15pm.

Here we see the initial "band" installed in the House O' Heff, as "Sir Randall of YellaWood" sits on his ass. This shot gives a great indication as to the length of Heff's Deck.

Next, "Sir Randall of YellaWood" uses the HammerDrill to create holes in Heff's mortar to bolt the "band" to the house.

Bill looks happy just to be gainfully employed.

"Heff and Clay try desperately to look like they know what the fuck they're doing..."

"This deck isn't square. PUSH MOTHERFUCKERS, PUSH !!!!! "

This is pretty much how we left it. What a Mess.

"Donna looks on with considerable displeasure regarding our progress."

There's always tomorrow, Dearest...

Hey, ALNBASS69 - How was that Poison Concert ? What an AssHat !!!

The End of an Era...

2008-07-25T00:01:00.001-05:00

Monumental happenings at the House Of Heff today, Folks. Donna smokes, and flips her FINAL bird while standing on "Old Faithful".

Yes, Donna has been complaining about the size of Heff's deck for YEARS, and I'm finally going to do something about it. Heff's deck is small, and pretty floppy at this stage of the game. I just don't know what I'd do if enough people were on it, and my deck gave way. Let's take a look at a couple of different angles of Heff's tired old Deck, before it has "stood its last" : Now before someone fucks with me about the amount of 55 gallon trash cans we own, please remember we drink ALOT of beer, and it takes the proper amount of refuse containers to dispose of the carnage...

Goodbye, "Old Faithful". Your 8' x 20' ass will soon be replaced by a 16' x 41' monsterous erection. RIGHT AFTER I HAVE A DELICIOUS 5PM CIGARETTE ! Donna will be pleased, as will I. "Old Faithful" has been up since I bought the place in 1994. What goes up, MUST COME DOWN - I just hope the Drunken Contractor shows up, lol. PARTY !

Thursday's Thoughts...From The Bar

2008-07-24T09:05:00.010-05:00

"Anticipation...." I laid the above pack of Cowboy Killers down mid-day Sunday the 20th, and haven't picked them back up yet. - No Applause, Please ! - It's been easier to breathe, I've felt better, and food even had more flavor this work-week without smoking. But no, Heff is not trying to QUIT smoking. He IS gonna tone it down quite a bit, though. Kids, if you don't smoke, DON'T START. Hey, waitaminute - If kids are on this site, FUCK OFF ! YOU DON'T BELONG HERE, YOU LITTLE BASTARDS !

Smoking & Drinking are like Chips & Dip in my opinion - you can't do one without the other. Well, you Can, but neither is quite as good alone, which brings me to my point : It's difficult to go without smoking when you have been as long as I have, but it's FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE for Heff to DRINK WITHOUT smoking. I can control my drinking quite well - at least WHEN I'm going to drink, and WHEN I'm not, let's put it that way. Here's the deal : For a trial run, Heff is becoming "The Weekend Toker". If I drink on the weekends, I'll smoke. Otherwise, I won't. Beer Review posts will more than likely only take place on weekends now, as well. Oh, Boy !!! This is going to be exciting !!! That first cigarette Friday @ 5PM is probably going to be the best thing I've ever tasted, and it may completely knock me on my ass !

SMOKE !!!

Tachae Can't Find The Bunny.

2008-07-23T00:01:00.002-05:00

Ok, this issue isn't too shabby, except for the EXTREMELY flat-chested Tennis Player, Ashley Harkleroad (so flat chested she doesn't even belong in the magazine in Heff's opinion), who's most attractive picture is on the cover. The Ben Stiller interview is good, and Corey Feldman's wife "Susie" (of "Two Corey" Fag fame) is hotter than Feldman deserves, as proven in a pictoral. The centerfold - Kayla Collins - is blonde, and Colonel ChestHams Approved. NiceFuckinIssue. Next month - British Page 3 Girls, which promises to be a knockout.

The Bunny, I must admit, was a little hard for Heff to discover this month. I ALMOST cheated and checked the Contents page for the answer, but found it at the last second. Good luck, folks.

On Your Mark...Get Set....

FIND THE BUNNY !Heff's Woodometer Rating : A -

TMI Tuesday # 144

2008-07-22T08:46:00.004-05:00

No, I'm not answering those stupid assed questions with the rest of the flock. It IS a little known fact, however, that sink baths used to really excite baby Heff.

Metal Monday !

2008-07-21T09:53:00.001-05:00

Let's dedicate one of the few WhiteSnake songs I actually like to the product mentioned in the previous post.

Spit It Out !

Sunday's Suck & Blow Me !

2008-07-20T00:01:00.004-05:00

Obviously by proof of this post, I'm a VERY Religious man. Donna and I went to our beloved Chevron the other night for our normal allotment of beer, and the clerk told Donna "I've got just what you crazy in love kids need....please buy a "Suck and Blow" from me. Now personally, I wouldn't buy ANYTHING named "Suck and Blow", so I said "Thanks, but NO thanks." We left with our beer, and were having our normal great time. Fast Forward several hours...I was on the phone with a friend, and my beer was running low, so I sent Donna back to our beloved Chevron for another six pack. Donna did the deed, but she also did MUCH MORE. She also came home with the God Forsaken Suck & Blow. Here's the "Product" : Yes, it's packaged beautifully, now isn't it ? Looks like something you'd buy in a fucking Spencer's shop in the left deep corner in the sexual department doesn't it ? Anyhoo, it's a jello shooter of sorts. You bring it home, refrigerate it, then one person blows the goo into the other's mouth, while they help take it in by SUCKING IT. Yes, a classy product, I must admit. Here's the product out of the wrapper....Looks kinda "Medical", doesn't it ?

Anyway, here's where the "FUN" is SUPPOSED to happen : "Donna couldn't handle Heff's Load."

Heff REFUSED to suck, BUT HE DID BLOW.

Now just to be Politically correct - this product SHOULD'VE been called "Blow & Suck" in my opinion, because that's the order shit happens in, but maybe that just doesn't sound as good (Who am I to judge?). Yes folks, this product was a bummer. Not ONLY did the product not gel properly (even after we put in the freezer an additional 15 minutes), It fucking sucked tastewise as well (kinda like Nyquil). It contained 13% alcohol by volume, but that really didn't help how krappy this shit tasted. Heff WILL NEVER blow, or suck again. You have been warned, my Peeps....