Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten...

JASON MAKES MCSWEENEY'S AGAIN!

2009-11-30T19:19:00.000-08:00

Jason Gets Republished in McSweeney's!

I submitted my Top Ten Topics of Conversation at My Cousin's House on Any Given Holiday list to McSweeney's and they originally published it back in March of 2007.

They just published it again as part of their Cornucopia of Thanksgiving Lists!

All hail McSweeney's and their awesome double publishing of my dysfunctional humor!

-Rohrblogger
(11/30/09)

TOP TEN THINGS FOR WHICH I AM THANKFUL

2009-11-24T18:59:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Things for Which I am Thankful

10. Exculpatory evidence

9. Quicklime

8. Teh internets

7. Bulletproof underwear

6. The firms of Beam, Daniels, and Cuervo

5. Turkey (the animal, the lunch meat, and the country)

4. Freedom

3. The amazingly good-looking readers of my blog

2. Folger's Crystals

And the number one thing for which I am thankful...

1. Boobs

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/24/09)

*One of the spell check suggestions for Cuervo is "fervor." Say "fervor for Cuervo" three times fast...

FOUND PORN

2009-11-21T17:30:00.000-08:00

The Twirl This post over at Awful Library Books is full-on X-rated without even trying to be. I'm just saying author Constance Atwater knows what she's doing.

"A backward wrist motion rolls the shaft between the thumb and the first finger. Tip points to the right, ball to the left.... The shaft is released from the thumb and first finger."

I'm talking about baton twirling. I don't know what you were thinking...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/21/09)

TOP TEN CONTRACT RIDERS FOR JRTT

2009-11-18T05:33:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Contract Riders for Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten

10. A copy of the Mona Lisa must be visible at all times from the window of my dressing room or Jason Rohrblogger will not perform

9. All concert personnel must be vaccinated for rabies, distemper, and heartworm

8. Mr. Rohrblogger is to be picked up at the airport in a 1915 Stutz Bearcat and driven to the nearest Taco Bell

7. Dressing room to be stocked with condoms (extra large), popcorn butter, Zovirax, and Depens

6. One centaur, male

5. A library stocked with Judy Blume novels

4. A personal trainer be available on demand for Mr. Rohrblogger's shellfish

3. Identical twin Swedish blackjack dealers fluent in Mandarin and Portuguese

2. No one is to reference Folger's Crystals or acknowledge its existence in the presence of Mr. Rohrblogger

And the number one contract rider for Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten...

1. Don't get Mr. Rohrblogger happy. You wouldn't like him when he's happy

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/18/09)

And the alternates...

Massage-trained goats
Two kegs light beer with red cups
One monkey-themed banana bong
One carton Kool Extra-Heavy
DVD box set of The Brady Bunch
Loaded baked potato-flavored Pop Tarts

ROCKING MY WORLD(S)

2009-11-15T09:04:00.000-08:00

This video came out last week and I cannot get enough of it. Every time I watch it, there is another layered inside joke I missed before. Amazing work, BentTV!

ALL NEW! Star Wars Gangsta Rap: Chronicles

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Atom Originals | Star Wars Gangsta Rap

-Rohrblogger

CNN AND THE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD ANCHOR

2009-11-13T07:07:00.000-08:00

Lou Dobbs quit CNN! I'm all for free speech. And when your speech is against an entire class of people (i.e. immigrants) then that free speech belongs in only two places: talk radio, and/or the internet with the rest of the crazies.

CNN is for news and editorial opinion that involves policies not people. Love the immigrant, hate the poverty. Love the terrorist, hate the terror. Love the anchor, hate the show.

That's why I'm glad to see it go...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/12/09)

TOP TEN NEW GOLF TERMS

2009-11-10T19:30:00.000-08:00

Today's post was stolen from here and here and here.

Top Ten New Golf Terms

10. A "Rock Hudson" - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't

9. A "Saddam Hussein" - from one bunker into another

8. A "Yasser Arafat" - butt ugly and in the sand

7. A "John Kennedy Jr." - didn't quite make it over the water

6. A "Rodney King" - over-clubbed

5. An "O.J." - got away with one

4. A "Princess Grace" - should have used a driver

3. A "Princess Di" - should not have used the driver

2. A "Ted Kennedy" - goes in the water and jumps out

And the number one new golf term...

1. A "Jason Rohrblogger" - too drunk to play the back nine

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/10/09)

And the alternates...

A "Condom" - safe, but didn't feel very good
A "Brazilian" - shaved the hole
A "Rush Limbaugh" - a bit too far to the right
A "Nancy Pelosi" - way to the left and out of bounds
A "James Joyce" - a putt that's impossible to read
A "Pee Wee Herman" - too much wrist
A "Sonny Bono" - straight into the trees
A "Paris Hilton" - a very expensive hole
A "RuPaul" - can't find your last two balls

JASON'S TOP TEN INTERNET TIME WASTERS

2009-11-07T10:10:00.000-08:00

This is the reason I can't get any work done...

Jason's Top Ten Internet Time Wasters

10. This is Why You are Fat

9. Why do You Have a Kid?

8. Awful Library Books

7. Awesome Family Photos

6. There, I Fixed It

5. Lovely Listing

4. Item Not as Described

3. Your Argument is Invalid

2. The Hawtness

And Jason's number one internet time waster...

1. People of Walmart

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/7/09)

And the alternates...

The Wedinator
Ugliest Tattoos
That Will Buff Out
Fail Blog
LOL Dogs
Celebrity Snark
Totally Looks Like
Pundit Kitchen
Graph Jam
Parents on Facebook
You Should Have that Translated
Photoshop Disasters
Picture is Unrelated
Separated at Birth

THE MEME ON THE BLOG GOES ROUND AND ROUND

2009-11-02T06:02:00.000-08:00

I originally got this meme from Heather over at Yummy Sushi Pajamas.

I posted my original response here.

If you want to play, reply to this meme by yelling Words! in the comments, and I will give you five words that remind me of you. Then post them on your blog and explain what they mean to you.

Atomic Bombshell tagged herself at my original post and I sent her words. Then I tagged myself again at her blog, Tricycle.

My words from Ms. Bombshell...

5. Hilarious - Recycled dick jokes, stolen premises, and lousy puns, is there anything better?

4. Creative - I like to think my creativity is up to the high standards of the internet.

3. Intelligent - Who is smarter: the woman who writes the meme, or the man who tags himself to get memed?

2. Thoughtful - Oh, I'm full of thoughts. Some of them are even appropriate.

And my number one word...

1. Loving - Like Dionne Warwick says, self-love is the greatest love of all...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/2/09)

TOP TEN CAPTAINS

2009-10-30T05:28:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Captains

10. Cap'n Crunch

9. Captain Kangaroo

8. Captain Stubing

7. Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger

6. Captain & Tennille

5. Captain Caveman

4. Captain of Her Heart

3. Captain Kirk

2. Captain America

And the number one captain...

1. Captain Morgan

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/30/09)

And the alternates...

Captain Ahab
Captain Hawkeye Pierce
Captain Hook
Captain Nemo
Captain Han Solo
Captain Kidd
Captain Jack Sparrow
Captain Obvious
Captain Underpants
Captain Jonas Grumby

TOP TEN BEST HALLOWEEN SONGS

2009-10-27T04:40:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Best Halloween Songs

10. "Welcome to My Nightmare" -Alice Cooper

"We sweat, laugh, and scream here,
'Cause life is just a dream here"

9. "(Don't Fear) the Reaper" -Blue Öyster Cult

"Seasons don't fear The Reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun, and the rain"

8. "Cry Little Sister" -Gerard McMann

"Blind boys don't lie"

7. "Dead Man's Party" -Oingo Boingo

"Everybody's comin', leave your body at the door"

6. "Ghostbusters" -Ray Parker, Jr.

"If there's something weird and it don't look good,
Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!"

5. "Monster Mash" -Bobby "Boris" Pickett

"For my monster from his slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise, he did the mash"

4. "Time Warp" -Richard O'Brien

"With your hands on your hips, you bring your knees in tight
But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane,
Let's do the Time Warp again!"

3. "Werewolves of London" -Warren Zevon

"I saw a werewolf drinking a piña colada at Trader Vic's
His hair was perfect"

2. "Highway to Hell" -AC/DC

"Going down, party time
My friends are gonna be there, too"

And the number one Halloween song...

1. "Thriller" -Michael Jackson

"You feel the cold hand and wonder if you'll ever see the sun
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination, girl!"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/27/09)

And the alternates...

"Psycho Killer" -Talking Heads

"We are vain and we are blind
I hate people when they're not polite"

"Nightmare on My Street" -DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince

"He comes to me at night after I crawl into bed
He's burnt up like a weenie and his name is Fred"

"The Toccata and Fugue in D minor" -Johann Sebastian Bach

"Da dah dah, Dah da dah dah DAH dah"

MUSING WITH MS. CLARK

2009-10-26T18:50:00.000-07:00

Tip o' the blog to Darby Clark over at Muse With Me for writing a Rohrblogger-inspired Top Ten post and linking back to me!

Check out Darby's hilarity for yourself. Ms. Clark if you're nasty.

Thanks for the blog love, Ms. Clark...

-Rohrblogger

TOP TEN REJECTED ENERGY DRINK FLAVORS

2009-10-24T08:59:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Rejected Energy Drink Flavors

10. Shockolate

9. Blue Bulls

8. Carpé Cream

7. Manana

6. Steak & Onion

5. FD&C Yellow No. 5

4. Electric Hammer

3. Ricin

2. Horehound

And the number one rejected energy drink flavor...

1. Gentle Sea Breeze

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/24/09)

And the alternates...

Bladdershock
Eggnog
Menthol Ultra Light 100s
Chunky Vinegar & Oil
Key Lime Kidney Failure
X-treme Hollandaise
Corn Squeezins
Pistachio
Urea

JACK FINDS THE TENTH CIRCLE

2009-10-22T09:42:00.000-07:00

Halloween treats to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Satan list.

I've been blogging from Hell for years. By the way, Pol Pot says hi!

Thanks for the Devilink, Jack...

-Rohrblogger

TOP TEN WAYS SATAN IS CUTTING BACK THIS HALLOWEEN

2009-10-20T19:00:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Ways Satan is Cutting Back this Halloween

10. Purgatory closed, all sinners sent to Abu Ghraib

9. Only putting razor blades in every other apple

8. Backmasking on Beatles albums now suggest you drink Pepsi

7. Church of Satan will no longer accept tithe in goats

6. Salem witch rituals outsourced to China

5. Pitchfork downgraded to salad fork

4. Only sponsoring three bands at Ozzfest this year

3. Sell two souls for eternity and the third one is free

2. Fine chicken blood normally sprinkled replaced with Folger's Crystals

And the number one way Satan is cutting back this Halloween...

1. Thinking about moving back in with Yahweh

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/20/09)

And the alternates...

Not going down to Georgia
Hooves 10% less cloven
Road to Hell paved with mediocre intentions
Handbasket will not depart until full

ALL APOLOGIES

2009-10-17T03:28:00.000-07:00

Contrite shout out to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Top Ten Apologies list.

I regret any remorse that my sorrow may have caused. Please forgive my apology.

It's all my fault. Well, me and the government, television, banking laws, politics, and lawyers...

-Rohrblogger

TOP TEN SUMO DIET TIPS

2009-10-16T17:32:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Sumo Diet Tips

10. Lettuce is for the weak

9. Avoid portions smaller than a hog

8. Octopus slurry will stretch a milkshake

7. Wrestler who cannot defeat buffet, cannot defeat adversary

6. At Taco Bell thirteen items is a snack, twenty-six items is a meal

5. Kobe Bryant is not a type of beef

4. Preempt hunger with a meal between breakfast and brunch

3. Japanese-accented Fat Bastard impressions are beyond funny

2. The food pyramid makes a great appetizer

And the number one sumo diet tip...

1. After you have vanquished your opponent, it is honorable to finish his sandwich

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/16/09)

TOP TEN JASON APOLOGIES

2009-10-13T13:41:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Jason Apologies

10. I would like to apologize to all the farm animals I slept with who work for me on this blog

9. I regret taking steroids while I wrote my lists

8. I'm especially contrite over all the lame jokes I've made at the expense of Sarah Palin

7. My behavoir has hurt the real humor writers on the internet, and for that I am remorseful

6. I'm sorry for bringing sexy back

5. I owe Sir Mix-a-lot several apologies

4. I'm sorry my actions have been perceived by others to be egregious. I'm not sorry for my actions, just the perception that they were bad

3. I regret my misplaced unresolved anger towards Belgium

2. I replaced the fine apology normally served with Folger's Crystals to see if anyone notices. I regret the error

And the number one Jason apology...

1. Please forgive my complete lack of humor, originality, or ethics. My behavoir is a result of society, my upbringing, excessive alcohol, poor hygiene, drugs, American culture, the language barrier, and Sarah Palin

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/13/09)

JASON'S TOP TEN KITCHEN TIPS

2009-10-05T18:26:00.000-07:00

Jason's Top Ten Kitchen Tips

10. Veggie burgers aren't bad if you put enough bacon on them

9. Red wine goes well with white wine

7. Black Eyed Peas make a great opening for Meatloaf followed by Cake

6. Kiss the cook, or barring that, bring chocolate

5. Conserve water by drinking vodka

4. Frosting helps the rice cake go down

3. It's not every woman will get up and make a man biscuits and gravy

2. Unfortunately, while barbecuing, you have to wear more than just an apron

And Jason's number one kitchen tip...

1. Don't pour hot grits down your pants

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/5/09)

TOP TEN ITEMS IN JASON'S SURVIVAL KIT

2009-09-30T07:54:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Items in Jason's Survival Kit

10. A bible

9. A gun

8. A hollowed-out bible with a gun in it

7. Emergency banana

6. Three-days supply of water

5. Year's supply of Viagra

4. Extra SPAM, backup can of Vienna sausages

3. DVD of "The Negotiator"

2. Belgian-to-English dictionary

And the number one item in Jason's survival kit...

1. Midol

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/20/07)

And the alternates...

Phonetic alphabet
Extra lottery tickets
L.L. Bean catalog
List of nearest relatives not living with him
Hidden cache of 80's porn
Prescription for Proactiv
Surplus semaphore flags
Military-grade tuxedo, corsage, and Camaro
Norse code
Mother's recipe for kicking ass and taking names
Cyanide capsule and bottle of '53 Dom Pérignon

TOP TEN REJECTED SODA FLAVORS

2009-09-27T18:15:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Rejected Soda Flavors

10. Coke Heavy

9. Pepsi Max Headroom

8. Sierra Mr. Mister

7. Dr. Salt

6. Chemical Syrup

5. Goatse with Lime

4. Sour Crush and Onion

3. Gumbo

2. Coca-Cogurt

And the number one rejected soda flavor...

1. Welch's Date Grape

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/27/09)

And the alternates...

7-UP H₂0
T&A&W Boot Rear
Two Girls One Crush
Coke Zero Point One
Mountain Bleu Cheese

POSTER PLACEMENT FAIL

2009-09-24T07:37:00.000-07:00

Why would ordering breakfast free Mr. Simpson?

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/24/09)

TOP TEN REJECTED OCD BEHAVIORS

2009-09-21T07:19:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Rejected Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Behaviors

10. Eat the whole bag of Oreos. Three times.

9. Beat every yellow light

8. Count your blessings

7. Rent Bad Boys II each time

6. Say four Our Fathers and four Hail Marys

5. Get in the ten-items-or-less line with nine items

4. Watch Oprah

3. Run exactly five minutes late

2. Always double down on eleven

And the number one rejected OCD behavior...

1. Write all of your blog posts with precisely ten items

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/16/09)

TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE NEW HEALTH CARE BILL

2009-09-18T04:09:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Surprises in the New Health Care Bill

10. Third bypass is free

9. Death Panels will meet on Thursdays at midnight during a full moon

8. Only drugs covered are the pills you can pry from Rush Limbaugh's cold, dead fingers

7. Mammogram sponsored by Victoria's Secret

6. $25,000 hammer? $40,000 toilet seat? Say hello to the $50,000 lolly pop.

5. All second opinions by Dr. Laura

4. Tongue depressors taste suspiciously like Popsicle

3. Before you light a cigarette, Dick Cheney will preemptively invade your lungs

2. Prostate exam is five bucks, same as downtown

And the number one surprise in the new health care bill...

1. Nursing homes now feature all-you-can eat Jell-O

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/18/09)