playfulmama

check it out....

2007-10-06T07:04:00.000-07:00

this sad little blog that has NEVER been updated or changed will be resting peacefully now.... thank you playfulmama, you were a patient friend.

you can keep reading (all 3 of you) at www.kindnessgirl.com

recycle christmas...

2007-10-04T01:16:00.001-07:00

in case you do not know, you should be thinking about christmas right now. christmas is in full swing at costco, it's practically nipping at our noses people.

this makes me laugh because ever since i was a little girl, i have thought about christmas in august and september but not enough to actually buy or do anything. it's more of a fantasy of holiday preparation (just the parts i like of course) and then when it actually comes i tell myself i'm too tired and we should keep it simple.

after some mild obsessing over our local thrift stores, i have a brilliant idea. i think we are having a mostly recycled christmas. i say mostly as to not get all into the rules but keep it fun. if there is something new i really want to buy for my loves, i will.

i recently realized my kids do not care if something is new- they are just thrilled with whatever the thing is. this has become so common that i think they are starting to forget things come in packages.
let's face it- when you can get a very new looking kids trek bike (with the agee's sticker) for $25 it's gotta be better than the crappy wal-mart bike i can barely afford right?

or as a kid when you really believe that the green chuck taylor's you found will make you run faster and jump higher all for $5...this is a good life.

every visit is like a treasure hunt and i love finding a good deal. what i realized is that there are plenty of nice things (even formerly expensive) that have barely been used. i like to think of it as the ultimate handy me down from the rich relatives.
it feels much less icky on the consumerism monster end and somewhat green even though we are still label shopping. the kids were into it so i think we are good.

so let the recycle christmas begin...

morning regret....

2007-10-02T11:24:00.000-07:00

ughhh....have you ever had a conversation where you are absolutely sure you said all the wrong things? i had this very kind last night. i so desperately wanted to relieve the person's pain or find a way out, my power of suggestion was in overdrive. not to mention i barely know the dear soul.

i think this was the time i was supposed to just listen. sometimes you have to let grief or a problem just sit in the air, this is very hard....especially when the person is so dear. if you are reading, so sorry dear friend. i will come to coffee with duct tape over my mouth next time, i swear.....

things i want to remember when i'm old...

2007-09-28T18:05:00.000-07:00

1. how lucy called everyone "mami" like a true latin girl.

2. josiah and jack's deep love for neighborhood friends, especially bo.

3. how jorge went to every parent night by himself- everyone probably thought he was the perfect single dad. or maybe the women fantasized that he was a dreamy widower.
anyway, he knows all the homework routines and the soccer schedule.

4. how jack laughed when i chased him. his pitch higher than that of a young school girl. it made me laugh so hard i almost peed my pants every time.

5. how lucy greeted and said goodbye to her brothers and papa.
"bye 'siah, have good day! lub you!"
"hi jackie-boy! how was day?"
at bedtime- "goo-night 'siah, goo-night jackie. lub you. sweet dreams."

6. how horrified we were when josiah came home and said he wanted to join the cub scouts. it was then that i realized just how flaming liberal we truly are.

7. how jackie-boy is almost just like a muppet, how endearing we felt this quality was. how it became increasingly clear he needs ot or something.

8. how josiah rides his bike at every waking chance, how fun it is to ride with him even if it is only in the alley.

9. how many new friends have popped up here and there. people i knew before but suddenly were all around me in new ways.

10. how beautiful the nature was where i lived, how every day there was an opportunity for it to fill my soul.

3 guys i dig...

2007-09-22T18:47:00.000-07:00

here are 3 guys that i have been swoonin' over lately...

1. ira glass - how can you not love the man of this american life ? especially after last week's episode when he actually considers leaving his career to go play professional poker after only playing the game a half a dozen times. i heart ira!
the first act of this episode had me crying the entire way home from the grocery store the other day.

2. jake lyell- jake travels the world as a documentary photographer. his voice brings both compassion and sheds light on the social issues of poverty stricken countries. he just came back from china, you can read all about it here.

3. ron stoppable- kim possible is hands down the best cartoon on t.v., seriously, you will never get sick of this show...every one needs a little ron (and rufus for that matter) in their life. so sad the series recently aired it's finale. good ole' ron saved the world.

the stylist who helped me cut the lawn....

2007-09-21T14:01:00.000-07:00

i woke up early last saturday, jorge was recovering from working late and a short trip to buddy's after. i was a little bit pissed actually....see the best part of moving to the city is that you DON'T have to do yard work. you get to plant flowers in boxes and put pretty pots on your steps.
no fuss no muss...but when you move a mile away to the ONLY part of the city that is a little suburbish ,you have a lawn.
it makes no sense but i can't explain it because i don't want weirdos from the internet at my front door so you'll just have to trust me.

we happen to be awful at yardwork , there are just so many other more fun things to do on the weekend. like go out for breakfast at perly's, lounge in bed and read with all the windows open, play mama slam, go exploring at the river, ride bikes, you get the idea.

the problem is it matters in my swanky neighborhood where we continue to look at each other wondering how we got here in the first place. our little house dwelling among the giants around it. so i am the lawn service, the landscaper, the guy with the big blower on his back.
where do you get one of those things anyway?

i am the only hope in my family to get anything like this sort of thing done, the others could care less, they are blowing me kisses while they ride away on their bikes. i'm such a sucker. so in hopes of not being the loser on the street who brings everyone's property value down, i schlep out my sad little push lawn mower every other saturday.

on this particular day i had some trouble getting the mower started, i primed, i pulled, i pulled, i jerked, i pulled, no luck. along comes a lovely gay couple who had given me a very chilly hello the week before. i wasn't offended, i only saw a challenge approaching, i must win these older gay men in their 50's/60's over. the dog too....

me: "oh! i'm so sorry, am i in your way?" (as i quickly move my lawn mower off the side walk)
man#1: (with a heavy german accent) "it's fine, it's fine, don't worry."
man #2: a slight glare my way (i smile back)
they continue on their way, i keep trying to get my mower started.
man #1: "do you need help?"
man#2: slight groan of annoyance
me: "oh, it's fine, i think i can get it but thank you so much!"
man#1: "no, i'm going to help you, you are a girl."

i chuckle...

man#2: "argghhhh, no, we have no time for this! come!"
man#1: "no, we should help her, she's a girl. i will help her."

i was dying inside, they were so funny, the pair. how they openly discussed if they should help me or not and the reason being i'm a girl. his big and strong hands got the mower started in 2 seconds flat and they were on their way.

then i found out this little tid bit today from a neighbor who was longing for a new haircut-
apparently my knight in shining armor's reluctant friend is garren. THE garren of garren's in nyc. i guess they come to relax in richmond on the weekends.
there is no time for helping girls trying to mow their OWN lawns, we must cut jennnifer's, madonna's and gweneth's hair. all for $700 a pop. i liked his no nonsense self...i'm still gonna win his heart, even if he is a grumpy old gay hair stylist! i think i got his kind partner already....

lessons in kindness...

2007-09-19T18:54:00.000-07:00

Lessons in kindness can be found in the most unexpected places. The teachers are grocery store clerks, baristas and small children. The classrooms are elevators, doctor’s office waiting rooms and even the nascar races. Every time I think I know when or where she will show up, she always surprises me.

I can’t even tell you the boy’s name. We were passing out coupons for big televisions, bonded by hyper materialism and the American dream. How can any person live in this country with out a 52” HD TV?

I don’t even know how we got into the work of kindness, the stream of conversation went from mba’s to his marketing job to job satisfaction….ah yes, job satisfaction which lead to what we really want to do with our lives. His story began…

This guy and a friend started up a non-profit while in college for inner city kids. He started volunteering for the United Way but quickly realized he wanted have a more direct impact. The United Way is all well and good but his ideas were big, he needed to try them out. Ideas like taking 65 kids to MEET Tiger Woods, hauling kids to basketball games and the local jail. The message being you can be the golf pro not just the caddy, you can manage the dome, not just clean it, you can be the police officer, not the thug locked up.

This was mixed with their own curriculum these guys wrote, movie nights at the crappy community center in the hood, pick-up games and help with homework. The pair organized quickly and filed the myriad of papers that is required for the government to deem you legit. They relentlessly invited the local community to give and sucked the non-profit angle dry. All while working (traveling the country at nascar races with a marketing team) and finishing up his mba. He was a clean cut, cute, together African American young man living his own best dream.

I kinda laughed at the universe, she paired us together. Who would expect such a kindness expert to be passing out coupons next to the girl who is only working as a promotional model to pay for the u-pic sunflowers that she is dying to deliver as part of her larger guerilla kindness scheme? I peppered him with questions, never imagining that maybe I could start my own non-profit. Maybe someone will give me money to spread kindness in the world. Is that dream too big, too far from my reach? He made it seem like such a possibility, almost an everyday ordinary option.

I had a feeling he wasn’t ordinary, he was quite amazing actually. But this is what kindness is, it is extraordinary in every form on every level. From delivering hand-picked sunflowers to meeting tiger woods to paying someone’s toll… to the lesson’s learned by the boy whose name I’ll never know.

being small...

2007-09-11T15:05:00.000-07:00

"maybe it's not so bad being small mama.", jack said while his feet dangle from the park bench.

"really? you think so, why is that buddy?" said the mother wondering where the boy's thoughts are heading.

"because sometimes you can do big things mama, even if you are small." said the boy with the big heart....

this little gem has stayed with me working it's way into my heart. his wisdom spoken over and over again in my head.
i've noticed my world getting smaller, quieter. it's a well deserved rest from trying to live someone else's dream and discovering mine has been here all along. i was losing the small, the simple, the part of me that found happy in the everyday. playing with my children, picking fruit and flowers, lighting kitchen altar candles, writing the ideas that come from my soul, my kindness work...

the work of saving the world is all around. even the smallest acts of kindness
are the big things my little sage speaks of.

it is here i find my perfect peace...

Sociology 101

2007-09-09T02:21:00.000-07:00

Things I learned working for circuit city at the races this weekend as a promotional model (model term used loosely as i am SO not model material):

1. People LOVE big t.v.'s.

2. People are more approachable in a smaller crowd.

3. It's easier to be blown off in a large crowd.

4. Good eye contact and a smile- they almost always say "yes".

5. A little advice for guys- sweet pick-up lines go so much further than the nasty ones.

6. Farmer tan lines are the worst thing on god's green earth.

7. I have never been hit on by so many men with so few teeth.

8. Nascar is big business, sports marketing is very interesting.

9. People watching is fun- especially at nascar.

10. Everybody should have something fun in their lives.

first day...

2007-09-04T08:09:00.001-07:00

brother love on the first day of first grade...

happy birthday my friend...

2007-08-31T10:45:00.000-07:00

some guerilla goodness in honor of a dear friend...this is a nice post about her.

this is her bench at a little park in richmond...

my flower read...

The boy and his heart had become friends, and neither was capable now of betraying the other.

The Alchemist

exactly what i needed...

my brother's keeper...

2007-08-29T17:41:00.000-07:00

i guess it was 15 years ago that hurricane andrew hit the home i grew up in....i can still remember what the sky looked like and how the air smelled, the sound of the wind, the faces in the room.
things were never exactly the same in homestead, florida but you could count on the people. everywhere you went, every line you stood in, everyone had a story. people just kept telling stories, for years, until so much time had past we said everything that needed to be said. we talked and we worked, other people came and they listened and worked along side us.

what happens when you can't work, when no one comes, no one is there to hear your story. the story becomes longer, and more time and more hurt goes by and you are left wondering if anyone cares at all....i know this- you can't even begin to rebuild until you start telling stories and someone that cares listens, really listens...

thank you in pursuit of perfection for sharing this...

postsecret....

2007-08-27T14:42:00.000-07:00

i just found this blog today...it is like a treasure or maybe a secret that should be shared... and i feel the same way about mother teresa... peace to you, safe travels home in 75 days...

i've decided....

2007-08-25T17:49:00.000-07:00

i don't want a big house...i don't want nice furniture...i don't want any more stuff...i just want a photo booth. my very own to sit in my living room or hall, everything is better and more magical in a photo booth....

soooo 10 years ago....

2007-08-24T19:40:00.001-07:00

it's soooo 10 years ago.....but the question is - does it look 10 years ago?
i'm tryin' to get some promotional gigs to help cover the bills these days. not exactly the bikini rum girl kind of the 18-25 year old variety, it's more the "would you like a sample of the latest herbal shampoo?". jorge convinced me i only have to look cute in short shorts, a brand t-shirt and baseball cap. this i can pull off, anything more- i'm toast.

i've been searching craigslist daily for something mindless, not a regular gig and decent money. the problem is i need 2 decent pictures of myself, actually i probably need headshots. there's no way in hell i'm paying for headshots for a job that will pay for preschool tuition and soccer registration, come on!

so while i try to decide if i'm fit enough to pass out snicker marathon energy bars, these are the two pics that made the final cut. let's hope they don't laugh at the 10 year difference....

mama-slam championship

2007-08-22T08:27:00.000-07:00

summer is almost over....i'm so bummed.

to end it properly we are having the 1st ever mama-slam championship. it's a 3 day event with the winner choosing the pizza place of choice for dinner this weekend- they will choose cici's, mine would be bottom's up.
mama-slam is a wrestling, tickling sort of game that was started when jorge had his knee surgery last year. jorge played "blue-guy" (i have no idea how that name came about) everyday since the beginning of children time so we had to find some sort of replacement when he was out for a few months. i think it was started because we could possibly have the most gentle children in america- i actually heard jack apologize to a tree yesterday. it was my husband's kind way of boyin' them up and getting out some energy.

mama-slam stuck....i will say it is starting to get more brutal, they are getting stronger in their tag team tactics.

last night's round goes to the kids....i'm comin' back tonight. i'm hoping to recruit lucy but she's only like half a wrestler right now.

wish me luck!

his eye is on the sparrow...

2007-08-20T09:55:00.000-07:00

my mom in india in 2006

the weather is ever changing in my own spiritual atmosphere, i have found it stormy and unstable lately. some days i wonder if there really is a personal god and others i am fully embracing the comfort of the divine, i won't even attempt to explain.
my mother however, is steadfast and grounded. i have thought of her all week as she is traveling in the sudan.
when talking on the phone the other day she wondered aloud....

m:"i think i might get there and cry the whole time."
me: "that's okay mom, maybe that's what you will need to do."
"you can trust yourself mom, you will know what to do and how to be."

and then i came across this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1w5BbCsZqA

i started thinking about the people of sudan and all they have endured, i thought about all the times in my life i have heard someone sing that hymn. people with deep grief, sadness, painful stories.
people that claimed the hope, the words, the promise that something greater than yourself has you in his/her heart even on the darkest day. i thought about my mom, being some divine portion in the flesh. i can only imagine what she is taking in, and how some sudanese woman is becoming her constant friend.

the girls voices are powerful and strong, their playful spirits sound free....may the god of my mother, may the divine mother, may allah watch my mom and those she loves in sudan this night....his eye is on the sparrow.

Lucy-girl...

2007-06-30T03:50:00.000-07:00

This is Lucy.
Lover of "poppy-cles"(popsicles), waterslides too big for her and her mama's hip.
She orders her brothers to come and says, "that's nice" when she hugs you or rubs your head.
She breaks out into total hysterics at any sign that i might refuse anything in her little head. she must protest first and then accept with an "okay."
Puppy dogs fill her dreams- all sizes, shapes and colors.
She is a magnet to messes, especially those involving water and any kind of cup.
Clothes are tolerated but just barely, a nudist colony would be preferred.
She waves and says hello or hola to almost all she meets.
There might not be even an ounce of fear in this child's heart.
She is our light and joy...

overheard...

2007-06-22T07:43:00.000-07:00

trashtalk: i often hear josiah tell himself (and sometimes jack) "who's the man now?" when he scores big at a video game.

overheard this morning (along with video game sounds/music): "who is the mama now?"

guilty pleasures of the summer...

2007-06-21T14:09:00.000-07:00

the last crazy purchase made with the last paycheck
yes, you can come over....adults too!

the candy coated i-can't-believe-i-LOVE-this CD music of the summer
jorge and the kids are too busy listening to this

obsessed with recipes for this

wish i was drinking this every night
(thank you jen)

just reading this site makes me feel a little cooler - these artists/writers are SO out of my league!
seriously, buy a book/t-shirt combo- you can feel cool too!

taking walks/runs at this very peaceful park

summer solstice...

2007-06-08T09:34:00.000-07:00

summer solstice is an invitation for lightning bug catching. the lasting sunlight allows little hands to see what they are trapping even before the luminescent magic. there must be one more mason jar in the recycling bin, god only knows where the lid could be.
lucy wanders the backyard in only her bloomers, her dress was traded long ago for a cool breeze and shade courtesy of the towering old trees in our backyard.

backyard....i was sure we would not be returning to anywhere with a backyard a year ago but i should have known better.

jorge and i have moved 7 times in 9 years. around a year and a half we get an itch, it's a call to see something new, to experience another way to live. i've lived in the city, in the suburbs, in the projects (kinda), in the up and coming neighborhood. each place held a different kind of space that allowed growth and new discovery-sometimes joyous, sometimes painful. i don't mind moving really, it has given us the constant gift of a fresh start.

i will admit that when casing out a new place i am way too busy looking for claw foot tubs and arched doorways to notice if there is a dishwasher or central air. i am my mother's daughter, i can make almost anything work. i've lived this way for years. pretty has always trumped functionality.

our last impulsive move was to a lovely old row house with 12 ft. ceilings, huge columns and parlor doors, it was all the charm a girl could ever have imagined. it was 3 blocks from restaurants, mom-and-pop shops, the library and park; it was perfect in so many ways. we walked everywhere, i gave my kids speeches about being "city boys" and checking the alleys. it was a happy year and a half. the house held such soul and character, i laid in bed at night imagining who lived there and what stories could be.

i had trouble relaxing there and could never quite figure out why. maybe it was the old wood floors that gave us splinters or tired, worn out circuits making us choose between a/c or washing clothes, perhaps everything was busier- my work, my ideas, my mind.
it feels as if four weeks ago was a different time and life altogether. jorge had a different job, i worked, kids went to school, we all slept in a big bed together... it is summer now and we moved only a mile away to a small brick rancher with half the charm but everyone seems a little more at peace. the boys are outside on the "playground" as they call it or holed up in their room creating magnificent recycled art all day long.

lucy has her own room to sing in and dump toys all over. jorge and i bought a bed- my first ever- the kind with swirly rod iron and pretty sheets. it's a lot of change in a short time and i'm not sure i have found my way or my place yet. i am searching and settling in...the one thing i do know is that everything can be different again in a year. i hope i can find and soak in all the joy that is here.

backseat driver...

2007-05-04T04:10:00.000-07:00

jack's (age 4) advice while driving yesterday:

jack:
"mama, don't look down, okay. just look through the glass so we don't clash (crash)."
me:
"gotcha buddy, i'll do my best."

when kindness rains...

2007-05-02T18:13:00.000-07:00

i wrecked my truck today...*sigh* this is my second accident in 5 years. i have decided i am a horrible driver. i think i was going the speed limit, i wasn't talking on my phone, the music wasn't loud...i think my mind just took me away for just a bit. the return left me creaming into the car in front of me, a lovely infiniti g20, my monster tahoe crushed it. her entire back end was in the back seat, i felt horrible.

there is a bright spot in all of this mangled mess...kindness showed up. she made herself ever present reminding me of all that is important and true. lucy, me and the woman i hit walked away without scratches.
kate, a friend from jack's preschool was close behind and stopped. lucy went right into her arms and laid her head on her chest. i would have told you she must have been an angel. she gathered lucy and picked up jack, there was no wandering toddler to corral while trying to keep my tears collected in their ducts.

the officer charged me with the lesser charge of following too closely...

officer: maam', i think you can just get traffic school for this charge, no points on your license.
have you been to driving school before?
me: (head hung) actually yes. like 4-5 years ago
officer: oh, don't worry, you were a juvenile then so it doesn't count
me: well, no, i was an adult (with 2 children no doubt) but thank you for saying that.
officer: well come to court and i'll try to help you okay?
me: thanks alot...

then a woman and her daughter came with cold water for all.
"i'm just glad you all are okay honey!" i must have looked very young today or maybe very pathetic.

and then the big dog showed up. you must know this first: my husband LOVES cars. he treats them like friends, more than just mere objects that get us from point A to point B.
we climb in the car at the end of the ordeal.

me: i just crash all our cars.
him: no babe, just the new ones. (i need this humor, we laugh)
me: no seriously, what if we get sued?
him: what are they gonna take, we have no money and besides,
are they gonna take you away?
me:no
him: are they gonna take josiah, jack or lucy away?
me:no
him: what do we need to be happy?
me: (crying now) each other?
him: we have everything we need to be happy babe, it's okay...it's okay

me: our crazy love makin' fest is over now huh...
him: nah, you just have a big debt to make up for now.

jorge took the rest of the day off during the busiest week of his entire year to take care of all the details- call the wrecker and insurance, rent me a car, finish my errands...

this is what it is like when kindness rains on a overcast day...

encounters of a stranger kind...

2007-04-24T15:27:00.000-07:00

i love encounters with strangers...maybe it's that i was never taught the proper stranger danger as a kid or that my mother was constantly engaging strangers my entire childhood. grocery store clerks, cab drivers, people waiting in line at the post office, my mother could have your life story in 3 minutes flat. there is something about her face that invites your story.

i am exhilarated by the fact for just a moment you are connecting with no knowledge of the past or the future. these are often the purest moments in life. this week the universe graced me with the youth of the city. it left me laughing and feeling hopeful...

a young (maybe 16) african american kid knocked on my door. he was selling/scamming magazine subscriptions for "points". we banter and match witty remarks for a few minutes before we get down to business. he was slick, so slick and smart, i barely stood a chance.

me: okay, so is there anyway i can support you BESIDES buying a magazine?

him: buy a magazine for a friend! it's more than paper and print ms. patience, it's my future...

me: yeah, so i gotta question. do you wanna sell magazines forever, i mean, do you want to move up in this "corporation"?

him: oh no ma'am, i wanna be an actor.

me: so what are you doing to make that happen?

him: awww...i don't know, i'm just hopin' i'm gonna knock on somebody's door that's important ya know?

me: yeah, they are gonna see how smooth you are and give you an opportunity right?

him: yeah! exactly!

me: huh, okay....so i'm not gonna buy a magazine but i got somethin' better for you. hold on...

him: hey, you gotta a beer in there? just kidding, how about a water.

me: no problem

i run inside and grab a paper and pen and scribble down the information for this. why i am still promoting this movie i do not know. it's like a mother who loves you even if you treat her badly. (or poorly for that matter)

me: okay d*****, do you have access to the internet?

him: uhhh...yeah.

me: write these guys and tell them you want to read for the lead role.

him: what?

me: it's a small movie about race relations in the south.

him: it's a racist movie?

me: (laughing) no, it's a movie about how white people and black people interact. it's gonna be good man.

he takes the paper, smiles and walks away. he looked a little disappointed in the lack of a sale and surprised that an unimportant white housewife bears a gift of scratch paper with the hope of possibilities. even if it is a small one...

and then there was this little gem of a stranger exchange...

i was unloading groceries today when i saw a teenage girl in a school uniform walking on the sidewalk towards me. i figured she goes to the catholic girl's school nearby and was walking home.

her: excuse me, do you happen to have any romaine lettuce in your fridge i can buy for $5?
(i kid you not, actually happened)
me: mmm, let me check.
will baby romaine work?
her: oh yeah, here (she starts to pull money out of the pocket of her button down shirt.)
me: yeah, i'm not taking your money. just the fact that you even asked makes you my kind of girl...have a great day.

i wish i had asked what she needed it for. i couldn't even make this stuff up it's so good...

may your week be full of unexpected enocounters with interesting strangers.

some mother somewhere...

2007-04-17T11:42:00.000-07:00

i held a boy almost too big for my arms this morning. josiah buried his face in my chest and let out a long cry. i assured him it's good to cry, that feelings like to be free. the ones that are bottled up hate it and find other ways to sneak out.

today the tears are a result of being scared, afraid that he'll never remember the 7 facts about squid. it's been all about squid here- squid art, squid books, even pin-the-tentacle on the squid game. it's just too much for a 7 year old, a 30 minute presentation pretending to be the teacher. the burden weighs on josiah's mind and heart.
i suggest squid power pancakes as they are magic. if you eat them you will remember all that you need to know about squid and be able to tell anyone and everyone about their amazingness. i kiss these tears and an agreement is made that it is indeed time for the power pancakes can bring.

my puffy eyed boy runs to take a bath and i start my day of 1 million tasks.
i have a hard time focusing. i imagine there is some other mother somewhere not far from me that is starting her day. Only this mother is wishing that yesterday was simply a nightmare and surely her sweet boy is anxious about a presention he must make for his professor. instead she attends convocations, in shock and numb. how will she face today without that boy, how can he be gone?

even further away yet another mother faces a deeper dark. her son's pain and action changed people's lives forever. the weight is too great for anyone to bear and i can not pretend to know what will keep her soul from drowning.

i can only imagine that these women wish today was the day they were holding little boys almost too big for their arms. the day where pancakes heal the aches of the soul, the day where fears can be conquered with kisses and tears.

the candle on my kitchen altar still glows from yesterday. the holy mother stares at me while i do the dishes. her face knows great pain and sadness. may she hold these mothers close to her bosom, may she come to them in their deepest dark, may she grant them comfort and peace. amen

for jarrett's mom