Vrai Bonheur

Thoughts on Blogging

2009-10-04T22:22:00.002-06:00

I've thought so many times, about what to do with this blog.
For one year now, I have let this blog sit.
I think I have made one or two posts but that has been it. And for the most part, they are crappy posts. Posts that I don't want to delete but don't want to have on here. Can't I just make them private?
I actually started another blog ... www.TheArtOfBeingAStepMom.blogspot.com ... but I haven't posted anything there yet. So you can save youself the time and you don't even have to go over there.
Who knows what I'll end up doing. Maybe one day, I'll get my act together and let people back into my life.

Confessions

2009-08-05T21:51:00.003-06:00

I have definitely been neglecting my blog ... for all really "good" reasons. I keep thinking of things to write and different things to do or I talk myself out of it and just go to bed.

Tonight though ... I have a lot on my mind and I feel that the only way to sort thru this all is to write. So even though I don't have hardly any readers on this blog anymore, especially since I haven't blogged on it since March, I hope that this post might help someone in a new relationship and know what NOT to do.

I have had a problem. There is no one to blame except for me. I could try blaming my parents, or because my Mom didn't breast feed me long enough (I'm kidding Mom), or the moon's alignment and the tides, but all of those are still more reasons and irrelevant.

When I met Scott, 3 years ago, I was in a horrible position financially. And the only people who I knew that really knew about it were my parents and maybe my brother. The only reason why I really let my parents know about it was because my Dad was on my bank accounts with me and he would see what was going on with them every time he logged into WellsFargo.com. I spent every cent that I ever made and then some. It cost me a lot financially. And it cost my parents a lot financially also. This was a position I was very ashamed of. I really wanted to portray to everyone that I could do this thing called finances on my own. Even though, I really was failing at it horribly.

When Scott and I got serious, he like any other guy that I had dated, asked me how much I made. I told him I made $75000 the last year. I might have made $75000 since I was 18 years old. I admit that this was a lie to get him impressed by me. For him to think that I was actually a hard working person and had my life in order for only being 24 years old. And I never thought that the relationship would ever work out. But again, those are all excuses and irrelevant. And one of my first mistakes.

Fast forward a year and a half later, we are married and fresh back from our honeymoon. And really that is where the honeymoon ends. I come to a fast reality that I can not keep my finances from my new husband. So I start to tell him some of my financial problems and the Credit Card debt that I have. I tell him I can not keep my bank account in order. We talk about all of my overdraft fee's, he tells me once that he never wants to see those again. And I chose to not listen to him. I again start spending way to much money and again go into the negative with overdraft charges. He again finds out about them and tells me to never go into the negative again. I again do it. This time though, I remember it. It was because I went to Old Navy and bought him a few shirts for Father's Day in 2008. Because of that choice I went in to the negative again and had overdraft fee's. Those $10 or $15 dollar shirts ended up costing me like $100 or more dollars. He said that the best Father's Day gift I could ever give him would be to never have overdraft fee's again. And the honest truth is that I haven't had one since July of 2008.

As for the debt though, when we first had that discussion, I chose to only tell him some of the debt. When we got married, I had 3 credit cards. Two Wells Fargo cards that were totally max'd out and a Capital one that maybe had $500's on it. Since the Capital One card didn't have that much I owed on it, I figured that I won't tell him about that one. I could pay that one off without him knowing. And that wouldn't look as mad because I was only confessing I had 2 credit cards and not 3. When we were going thru my online statement, he saw that I had made a payment to Capital One and asked why. Now he finds out even more lies because I have now hid that one from him.

With all of these lies, I have to think of him as a Saint for not kicking me to the curb on the first or second time around. He is such an amazing man and here he is thinking he has married someone just as hard working as he is and in reality he find out I am totally the opposite.

Landmark tells you that you create your life. I created this life and it is not the life that I want. When I was little, I thought that the first year of marriage would be all this fun and games with love and creating a home together. Except, mine isn't all fun and games. I go to work and work hard to bring a paycheck home. I do something that I enjoy but it isn't my passion. I do it because right now, I know I can't make as much money in my passion as I am making right now. And the money I am making right now is going to pay off my bills. They are all burdens in my life. They are big rocks that are keeping me from doing things and having things I really want to have in my life.

Lying is the thing I am the most ashamed about and I did it because I didn't want to look bad. Now I look bad and I have lost my husbands trust. Talking tonight to Scott, he asked me how he will know when he can trust me again. My normal reaction to that would have been, well you can trust me now. And in the past there was still more "stuff" out there that was hiding. Its funny though, I don't know how to answer him when there really is no more "stuff" out there. Everything has been revealed.

One Year and Counting!

2009-03-05T22:31:00.004-07:00

To my Amazing Husband,

Just about every night for the last year, after dinner, after the dishes are done, after Sam is in bed and sleeping soundly, you and I go into the den and we get caught up on each other's day, while both of us finish up on the last minute things that we needed to finish before we officially retire for the evening. This is one of my favorite times of the day. You share with me the latest things you are working on, the newest code you have just learned, the problems you encountered with the newest code and about the broken and fixed "things" you encountered that day. I share with you about the people that I dealt with that day, the good, the bad and the stinky. We talk about our plans for new vacations, what we have going on for the next day. And we give each other little words of encouragement when we have stumbled upon a problem.

I'd be lying if I told you that I knew everything you told me. But in the moments that you are telling me about you needing to have put the "abort" in another place, or that you are concerned that the script isn't running the way it should be, or not putting that closing tag in the right spot ... me not knowing what you are talking about doesn't matter to me. Listening to your excitement and joy is enough for me to remember exactly why I married you, one year ago.

You are an amazing man. I have no idea how you do exactly what you do, but everyday you absolutely inspire me, in every aspect of my life. Your spirit, your drive, you love of life is incredible. Everyday I wish that I could just have an ounce of what you have. You are my inspiration and my hero.

Thank You for the amazing 1st year of marriage. I'm so excited about the many years ahead of us. I love you my Handsome Man!

Just want to forget the whole day ever happened.

2009-02-04T17:16:00.005-07:00

So there are about 5 days out of the month, where I just wish that I could just go hide in the mountains ... alone. Because I know that nothing good will ever come out of these 5 days. And usually I'm right (because I create it to be that way), and I'm right because I have just proven that no one wants to be with me. And even though in my non-emotional brain, this is so far from the truth and even laughable, it still lives like it is very true to me in my emotional PMS brain. grrrr ...

Right now, I am in the emotional PMS brain, where I really wish that I could have gone up into the mountains and hid out until my non-emotional brain comes back out from hiding but I chose not to do that and instead decided that I really just wanted to pick a nasty fight with my husband. (sorry babe, I really am sorry) I hate these fights, I end up feeling smaller than an ant because I've just dug myself into a huge hole and so ashamed. And I have to go back to him and tell him that I'm a PMSing trying to think from a very emotional cloudy brain woman, which wasn't working at all.

The thing is, I keep wondering if this is just me that happens to. If I am the only crazy woman for 5-7 days out of the month. If it is just my husband that has to listen to the rants 5-7 days out of the month. Or if there has been anyone else who has ever experienced this and how in the heck do you deal with it? How do you keep your husband from feeling like he wants to totally get rid of you during those 5-7 days out of the month? I am totally frustrated and ashamed now.

I suck at writing

2009-01-22T21:35:00.003-07:00

So I remember sitting at my in laws New Years Day, and I was thinking to myself that one of the things I really want to do this year is to start blogging more. And now I look down and it is already the 22nd of January and I have yet to post one thing at all. And yes ... I have all the excuses in the world, but none of them really matter. So I'm not even going to begin to start naming them off.

I guess to just start a new. This year has gotten off to a very busy start. We have started to pick up the pieces of projects that we started a whole year ago and haven't finished ... oh like the basement. Nothing has really been done, but there has been many talks about what we are going to do with the basement.

We have started our weekly ritual of skiing every Sunday after Church. Its been actually a lot of fun. Sam has just started to take off and ski like a pro.

Working at the bank has gone really well. Last night I took the Notary test. I'm pretty sure that I passed, but I'll find out within 7 days. I'm really not going to talk much about my work ... so if you want to know ... just ask me.

Well ... I'm going to wrap a few things up tonight and then head to bed.

Hope everyone has been doing well and I look forward to getting in touch with you. Check back often ... now.

Bummer ... Cookies

2008-12-21T22:28:00.002-07:00

So, I'm in need of some baking advice from anyone out there who knows the ins and outs of baking cookies better than I do.

In the past, I've baked these Ginger Cookies that have turned out really good and fluffy. This year, I have tried making them again and both times I have tried making them, they have turned out really flat. They still taste really good but they are totally flat. And I just don't know too much about baking to adjust the recipe accordingly. Any suggestions?

Out Shooting

2008-11-26T17:22:00.005-07:00

I have way been slacking on writing on here. And today I have been trying to get caught up on different things, which one of them way cleaning off my SD card of my camera, when I remembered that a few weeks ago, we had gone out past Saratoga Springs, Utah, with some friends to go shooting.

It was actually really a lot of fun. I had forgotten how much fun I liked going out and target shooting. Even though I am not at all the best shot. When I turned 21, my boyfriend at the time gave me a gun. In his family, it was a family tradition that you received a gun as a present when you turned 21. He gave me a little Walther P22. I love it because he got a special hand grip so it isn't so hard for my little hands to grip it.

Sam was ecstatic to go out and shoot. He has been in awe of gun for quite some time now. He is a typical 6 year old boy. He loves Whips, Guns, Bugs, etc ...

We did take some time and went through ALL of the rules when handling real guns. He got it and realized that if he didn't follow the rules that we wouldn't allow him to shoot. Here is just a quick video of him shooting. I didn't take too much because he really liked my gun (not as much kick back), so I ended up helping him for quite a bit shoot my little gun.

It was a really great day out shooting. I wouldn't mind going out again. One thing nice about being out in Heber is that we can just walk up the hill behind our house and there is a little shooting range. We just get busy with other things going on and don't make the time to go target practicing.

New Facial Wash

2008-11-17T22:51:00.002-07:00

I've been meaning to blog for sometime now. But I have felt like I have been running around the Wasatch Front & Back for the last 3 weeks, like a chicken with it's head cut off ... So I finally took a few moments to blog.

A ton of things have been happening the last 3 weeks since I was laid off from Mountain Reservations. But this post is not going to touch any of it at all ... This will be a fun girly post.

One nice thing about going down to Cruise and Travel Masters is that I get to see and talk to all my up to date friends more about new "products" that are out. One of my girlfriends, Debbie, is very into Herbal Remedies ... but not is a freaky hippie way. She was telling me that she started washing her face with Baking Soda & Apple Cider Vinegar. And that she had been having really great results with it. Then she said that she wanted me to try it for a few weeks and see if it solved any of my facial problems, because everyone knows I have horrible skin.

I looked at her like she was crazy and think I told her she was crazy (in a loving way) and then began to think about it ... what could it hurt? I have already tried EVERYTHING else out there for something that would clear up my skin.

So I went out and bought some Apple Cider Vinegar (the Organic non filtered kind ... specifically) and started washing my face with Baking Soda & Apple Cider Vinegar.

I am still using my face wash to get my make up off my face. Then, I put about a tablespoon of dry baking soda in my hand and add a little bit of water to it so it makes a paste. Then smear that all over my face and rince it off. Once that drys more, I then put a few drops of Apple Cider Vinegar on a cotton pad and run it over my face. After that has dried, I then put some lotion over it.

And amazingly enough, my face looks pretty good. It hasn't cleared up completely, but I'd chalk that up to being hormonal because of that time of the month and under major stress caused by jobs.

Maybe we'll see in a few weeks when the hormones have subsided how it is working.

Being Laid Off Because Of My Blog

2008-10-28T23:11:00.002-06:00

A little birdie told me today that it wasn't totally the current economic conditions, like it had been implied to me, that is the reason why I was Laid-Off. The little birdie told me it was because of my Blog. I totally just got Dooce'd. (For those of you who don't know who "Dooce" is, she is a really great writer that got laid off from her job because of her Blog. Now she actually had made a really good living writing on her Blog.)

Here's the thing. It totally doesn't matter. I really don't care the "reason". I'm sure there are thousands of reasons that are going thru their head. And their reason is because I was too open with writing on my Blog that I was looking for other jobs. Well, I have been looking for other jobs. And I write it because it has to do with what is going on in my life.

So I just think it is funny.

I had some really great interview today. And I really look forward to seeing what comes out of them. For now, I have another interview tomorrow and then I am heading into Cruise and Travel to pick up those calls and get some money in.

Being Laid Off

2008-10-27T23:07:00.002-06:00

I've only been "Laid Off" a few times in my life. One was when I was working at American Express, but only as an intern. I knew the day was coming and when it did, it wasn't a big surprise at all. The other time was after the Salt Lake Olympics in 2002 and Toby, the owner of VIP Business Center, had to close her doors. I remember when and where I was when she called me. I had taken a few weeks off after the Olympics ended to get back into a normal pace. I don't remember where I was coming from, I just remember I was on my way to my Sorority House. I was coming off of I-15 on the 6th South Off Ramp and she called. She said that she had to close the doors to the Business Center. That it was no longer being profitable. That layoff I was devastated with. I loved working at the Business Center and I had put so much of my time and energy into it. But I somewhat knew something might happen and just before I took a few weeks off, I went up to the Salt Palace and told them to keep me in mind of any job opportunities and to keep me in mind. Smartest line I ever said to anyone. They called me up and I immediately took over the Business Center when the Salt Palace took it from Toby.

With Mountain Reservations ... you know I haven't been happy. I've been looking for jobs ... somewhat. Not as hard as I should have been looking for them. Not as committed to looking for them as I should have been. Again, I had this whole thought in my head of, I'd stick it out through the winter and make good money and then take the layoff in March after the season is over. Then I would be able to go back to working for myself. Well, apparently that isn't going to happen the way I thought it is going to work.

I got the "talk" today, the one line: "Hey do you have a minute to talk in the Conference Room?" I said yes and walked in. They continued to say that I am being let go because of the economy. That they have to do a "Company Wide Cutback" and because of this I can at least take unemployment. (I think I might just to have the money coming in ... who knows, its a new experience.)

But it isn't like I was blind sided by this. After I finally got off my butt and started looking for jobs, I got 4 interviews. 3 Tomorrow & 1 on Wednesday. So wish me luck ... I'm off to find a new job.

Question for Everyone

2008-10-23T07:36:00.002-06:00

So my girlfriend Michelle McKee and I have been friends for 8 years. We've gone thru a lot together. We met in college in the sorority. She was my first ever roommate. We have matching tattoo's, even.

When she Graduated, we sort of went separate ways. She got engaged to Kevin her husband and I was still finishing up college but a short time later, we got reconnected. She was my support through my breakup with Monty, and just really a wonderful friend to have around. She was even my Matron of Honor for my wedding and flew out to Hawaii with us.

I am still not exactly sure what happened but somewhere she decided she just didn't like Scott. It baffles me. I think it has to do with when we were in Hawaii we were walking on the Hilton Waikoloa grounds and she asked about if we were going to see each other the day of the wedding. Both of us said, no that we hadn't planned to not be together and it really doesn't matter. It got into this little tiff about it being an old wives tale and that we had to do it. Scott finally said to Michelle that it doesn't matter. That we don't believe in that kind of stuff. Well ever since then she has totally been distant. She even didn't come to the Reception because she had another "dinner" to go to ... I don't believe that though.

About a month ago I got an email from Michelle saying that her Mom had just been diagnosed with Cancer and that she didn't know how long she was going to live. I called her the next day to see how she was doing and she started asking me about my relationship with Scott and having kids. I told her we are going to wait to have kids for a little bit longer for multiple reasons and money being one of them. And that I really want to get my business up and running so that when we do have kids, I will be able to work from home with them. Apparently this was a big deal for her somehow and that raising my kids and working from home is going to be really difficult to do. I just stated that in my mind, I thought it would be a little easier for me to be home instead of having to go and take them to Day Care every day. I she then said, "I can't deal with this ... I need to go ... I really don't like Scott and I can't be your friend like this ..." And she hung up. And we haven't talked since.

Last night I got a mass email from her saying that her Mom had passed away. That is horrible news. It really breaks my heart. Her Mom was very sweet and kind and loving. I want to be there for Michelle. But I don't know what to do. I don't know if Michelle will take it the wrong way if I go to her Mom's Funeral. I don't want to upset her again. Maybe I will just send flowers. I have no idea ... what would you do?

Nasty

2008-10-19T23:35:00.000-06:00

Cheez-It Lip Gloss ...

What will they think of next? How did they think of this in the first place?

I Feel Fat

2008-10-19T23:00:00.002-06:00

Scott, Sam & I just got back from a really great vacation out to California to see Scott's parents and sisters and all. It is always a lot of fun when we head out there.

Last Thursday, we headed out there. I made a mistake when we went to purchase the tickets. I missed the "4 week rule" and bought the tickets 1 day too late, so the price of the tickets on Delta has jumped up $400's per person. ... Ouch ... So we ended up on Southwest and the only flight that we wanted to take was a 6:40am ... icky ... flight out of Salt Lake. So we got up super early. Like 3:30am and finished packing and headed out to California. We got there are like 7:20am so we were able to have Breakfast with Scott's Mom & Dad which was a real treat.

Scott's sister Sandi, that I think is wonderful, ended up calling us up and saying that she was going to the mall to buy her daughter, Rachel's friend a birthday present and wanted to know if I wanted to go with her. I took that opportunity and said yes in hopes to have a little Sister-in-Law bonding time.

We walked into Abercrombie, and I literally wanted to walk back out. I had this horrible feeling of, Holy Shit ... I can not fit into anything in this store. These clothes are tiny, itty bitty, disgustingly small. I am not too fat. I'm not the size I was a year ago, but I'm not fat. I don't think my 6 year old step-son would have fit into a lot of these clothes. Folded up on the tables were these shirts. Folded up, the shirts were at most 3 inches wide. So if you open them up, they were at most for a Large, 6 inches wide. I don't have a 6 inch wide waist. And that is a freaking Large! Most of humanity doesn't have a 6 inch wide waist.

So now I am left really puzzled. I want to make Abercrombie really wrong for making clothes like this. Really cute clothes that first of all I can't buy because they don't come in my size. And hello ... I'm a freaking size 4 at Express in pants. I want to make God wrong for creating fat. Why can't we all just be skinny or why did you have to give me a body that I really have to work at it to keep in shape and having a really big butt. I also got this week that my butt is very huge. I am totally going to work on my butt ... somehow. And why do you have to put it in kids heads that they have to be so skinny. My niece, who is beautiful and the size of one of my thighs is a size 8 in the store. It disgusts me ...

Totally Slacking at Work ... a Work Post

2008-10-13T15:07:00.004-06:00

I have had 2 friends of mine come to me recently and tell me that they miss me writing. So right now, it is totally slow at work and I am breaking the rules and blogging. And if they fire me ... So be it.

A lot of things have gone on since I stopped blogging about 6 weeks ago. Work sucks. It is so slow, I can not book anything to save my life. And its not like I'm not trying. The leads have almost stopped coming in and the phone calls lately have stopped also. It is almost back to being as horrible as during the summer ... and we are supposed to be in the busy season now. I know a lot of it has to do with the economy but I am totally shocked.

I have been looking for other jobs. Last night, I applied to 5 different jobs today and put my resume in all of the major ski resorts around here along with a few places up in Heber ... no call backs or anything. It is kind of sad. I am trying to not make it mean that I am someone who doesn't want to be hired.

What I really want to do is move back over to working my own Travel Business. SO SERIOUSLY ... IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO WANTS TO GO ON A VACATION, TO ANYWHERE, HAVE THEM CALL ME. (800) 644-8820. My Mom came to me a few weeks ago and told me that she can't handle all of her Corporate Travel right now. And of course, I jumped for joy. It was a total silver lining in a nasty black cloud of work. Well, I get down with my Mom and it finally comes out that she wants me to take over her Corporate Travel ... eventually. Silver lining just went away. But she does want me to take over a little bit of her Corporate Travel. Right now we are working on the exact details. Possibly a slit, where she will guarantee that I will have a certain amount of bookings a week. That's a possibility and then I will just work my tail off for other bookings.

Its funny though, I have found that the Cruise Industry hasn't been hit as hard with the economy as the Ski Industry. I just booked 4 rooms in a cabin and have a couple more as a possibility.

I hate the effects that this is having on my relationship also ... There has been major stress with Scott and I. It is hard for me to pay my bills and Scott would like to have my income to help pay for our billings, and I would really love to give him my income to pay for our bills. And just not to have to worry about it. To be able to go on trips and vacations and not worry about how we are going to pay for it.

We'll see where it goes. I will definitely keep you posted as to the updates.

Inspirational Story

2008-09-30T19:49:00.002-06:00

I have been very much neglecting my blog lately. I have a lot going on. A lot of really amazing stuff. And I am just finding it very hard to write about things. I haven't wanted to sound like I am complaining because that isn't my intent for this blog. This blog is "supposed" to be about happiness and love. Instead, I have found myself very confronted by many things. Maybe that should be my inspiration to write. But then I just have so many other excuses that keep me from writing. I should just set some time aside every few days to write a few things about what has been happening.

I did stumble upon this story. I think it is a wonderful story that has so many meanings in it. It is great to read something that makes your heart warm. I really hope you love reading it. Let me know what you think. I'd love to hear it.

The Cab Ride by Kent Nerburn

Palin and Clinton

2008-09-15T23:48:00.002-06:00

This is just too funny to not post. Hope everyone enjoys it:

Writing

2008-09-11T22:06:00.002-06:00

So I actually have stuff that I want to write about. Sam's started school again and he is enjoying it massively. I am trying to stay above water with Mountain Reservations. That's a whole other story inside itself. We had a meeting with a gal at the Park Record about an ad and I just get to get the site up more in order to get it published. And we had another quick trip this last week also.

So until I can get time to write stuff here is a video that I really like to watch when I get down.

Kind Of Funny

2008-09-04T22:51:00.003-06:00

I came across this today and think it is kind of funny ... It is at least something that makes me smile.

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Happiness and Writing

2008-09-03T16:05:00.002-06:00

I haven't been in a real big writing mood lately. I feel I am just in this funk right now and if I write, it is going to be unhappy thoughts. And as much as I have those unhappy thoughts in my head, I want to keep them in my head as much as possible. I don't want them to be spread over the Internet and potentially make someone else have those unhappy thoughts. And for a blog whose existence is about true happiness, writing unhappy thoughts on it doesn't make too much sense anyways.

So right now, if you have anything funny or really happy to tell me about, please comment or get a hold of me to include me in them. I think right now I need some happy content & some huge major butt kicking in my life.

I keep trying to remember and keep in my head a quote my sweet Mother-in-Law said the last time I saw her. She said, "There are times when life knocks you on your butt, but you just have to get up and keep going." It is true. I'm down on my butt right now, but not wanting to get up right now.

The Truth & Totally Scared

2008-08-28T22:10:00.000-06:00

I started this post last week and it has taken me a long time to actually format it and finish writing it. I hope that it all makes sense and doesn't upset anyone.

When I did Landmark 2 years ago, I remember sitting in The Forum and listening to my Landmark Forum Leader talk about "looking bad." That as humans, we don't want to look bad. In my mind, it was a physical look of looking bad (hair done badly or your not wearing the correct clothes), or an embarrassment. The Landmark Forum Leader was not at all talking about the physical aspect of looking bad. He was talking how when we do something, we hide what we did, either by telling lies or just not telling the truth. The not wanting to look bad because we did something we shouldn't have. I could not get my mind around the concept of looking bad. It has taken me a really long time to fully understand that concept. And a lot of times I still don't get it, or just don't want to get it.

I've done things that I am not proud of in my life. There is no one to blame except for myself. I try and blame other people a lot for it. I blame my amazing, wonderful husband whom I love dearly, I blame my Mom, my Dad, Sam, Tracy, my schooling, friends, work, the economy, the weather ... the list goes on. I blame because I get sympathy. I blame because I can be the victim. I blame because I get to make people wrong for things.

The blaming gets me things that I want in life. I want to get sympathy. I want to be the victim. I want to make people wrong for things because then I get to be RIGHT. I get to complain. There are a lot of other people who like to complain also (they are my "complaining buddies") and there are people who can not stand me complaining (they are my "true friends").

But it doesn't get me what I really want in life. It doesn't get me that baby that right now I really want to have. It doesn't get me that family that I so cherish. It doesn't get me the career that I have always wanted and the income that I know I can make. It doesn't get me the relationship with my husband that I know we can have.

The post I wrote last week was me blaming Scott for a lot of stuff that I have done that I am not proud of. I am sorry babe, you have done nothing to deserve that. And that was me, just being a victim.

The biggest thing that has made the most impact on my life is money. I am horrible with money. I don't know what it was but sometime in college, I stopped reasoning with the whole concept of managing money. I completely stopped being responsible with my money and my life. I didn't want to be responsible for my life. I liked it when boyfriends would pay for things. I loved it especially when my parents paid for things. And I found that in order to not have to be responsible for my life, I just wouldn't manage my money. But I still wanted to have the appearance of having it all together. I still wanted to look like I had money. Because if I had money, that meant I had it all together. And that was a good thing because guys only wanted to date girls who had it all together.

I have given Wells Fargo, literally THOUSANDS of dollars in overdraft fee's. Thousands of dollars. Throughout the years I could have gone on a really nice cruise with that money I have given them. Or I could have put a really nice down payment on a really nice car.

I came to find that, if I became overdrawn, I could just go to my Dad or Mom and tell them this sad story about how I had been a victim of something and my account was overdrawn. It was never my fault. That check I wrote ... "they" hung on to it and didn't deposit it for a long time. And I forgot about it and overdrew my account. Just another way for me to avoid responsibility. In all reality, I would just buy things in order to look like I had money, in which that would make me look like I had it all together.

I kept telling myself that I wouldn't let it happen again after that last time, but it did. I could just keep going to my parents for help. I didn't have to be responsible.

Well now things have changed. I got married. And I can't go to my parents for "help" anymore. And Scott isn't at all interested in "carrying me". Everything has caught up to me. I am now having to be responsible for my life now and it scares me. I am wanting to start a family. I have no idea of what kind of responsibility it takes in order to be a Mom. For someone to totally rely on me for everything. I can't just not be responsible for my own children.

The being responsible part, is the part that really scares me. I do know what I am capable of creating. I am capable of creating amazing things in my life. Amazing businesses, that would set my family up financially right. But I have been too scared to do that. Because, what if I fail? That would look bad if I fail.

But here is the thing now, I can't be scared anymore. I have a husband, a step-son, and a future family who are relying on me to be responsible for them and their interests. It isn't just financially also, it is to be totally there for them and their needs. And I need to find a way in order to do all of that without being scared. Man, how do Mothers do it? How do Fathers do it? That is a lot of responsibility. I have so much respect for them.

So here is where I am at right now. Mountain Reservations is not producing what I need right now. I have heard for the last 6 months, "just wait ... next month will be better ..." to have next month suck as much as the last. I can not rely on Mountain Reservations. They have proven that they are not credible in what they are saying. My cruise sites, I have not taken the time to get those working in a way where I am able to rely on them as income. What my new plan is to stay with Mountain Reservations but push as hard as I can, my personal travel business. Adds are going to start going in the Park Record and the Wasatch Wave. And I am going to start working that more.

I don't know what the outcome will be. But when I succeed, I will be where I want to be. I will have the most amazing family. And the most awesome career. And I will love my life. It will be fun.

The Country Bumpkin Got A Puppy

2008-08-26T15:33:00.004-06:00

Our neighbor the Country Bumpkin has been fairly quiet lately. We don't mind it when he is quiet. It makes our life easy. Even through the whole week long process it took for the city to repave our street, he was quiet. It was nice!

On Saturday though, things changed a bit. I was planting the Iris's we bought in Boise, ID and making our yard look nice again after the road construction. Scott & Sam were in the driveway building a new skateboard ramp for Sam (the old one was totally ghetto and falling apart).

Along came Country Bumpkin's original dog "G" and right behind it was this cutest sweetest looking little puppy. This black and white little puppy "M" with one dark colored eye and one blue colored eye. I could take this dog and cuddle with it all night. Looking at it broke my heart.

Well the "G" knows he isn't supposed to be in our yard. So I told them to go home. "G" took off running. The cute little puppy "M" just stood there and whimpered. And some what timidly started to come towards me. I told it to go home again and it came towards me again. I could obviously see where this was going, so I gave up and put my hand down, it immediately came up to me and I started to pet it. He wouldn't let me get too close, I was my arms length away from it. But it got so excited it peed itself. (Poor Puppy)

Right then, Miss. Country Bumpkin came running up looking for her new puppy, she called its name and it went running back to her.

Last night, I got home from work and went almost immediately into the yard and started working on the garden. I finished and went inside and started to cook dinner. I happened to walk into the office to ask Scott a question and happened to notice two dog looking figures in our garden. Standing on one of the berms. I opened the front door and told the dogs to "Go on ... Get out of here ..." "G" ran off back home. "M" kind of stood there but does get out of the garden when I yelled at it. He starts to do the same thing it did earlier. He starts whimpering and slowly walking towards me.

Scott yells out the window to go take the dogs back to the house and tell the Country Bumpkin Family to get their dogs out of our yard. They are not allowed in our yard. We have just planted a bunch of flowers and want it to stay nice. So I did and the whole time I am walking up to their house, I am shaking. I don't want this to be a big deal. I just want the dogs to stay out of the garden. I knock but I think the TV is turned up too loud so no one hears the knock. I finally find the door bell and Mrs. Country Bumpkin & Miss Country Bumpkin come to the door. And I tell them:
Me: "Hey your dogs were in our yard again. Is there any way you can keep them out of it? We just planted a bunch of new flowers and I don't want them disturbing them."
Mrs. Country Bumpkin: "uhhhhh, ya sure" (Yells at the dogs and tells them to come in, then shuts the door)
I'm sure that this conversation is going to make all the difference in the world. I bet that the dogs are going to be in our yard again.

The thing that is bothering me is with the cute sweet little "M" puppy. I am not dumb and I can tell that this dog has been beaten by the way it acts. What should I do? Do I call the animal control and tell them that I "suspect" that this dog has been beaten? I don't have any physical proof of this. I haven't seen any bruises on it. But his mood is just off. And I do not want to cause a Neighborhood War. That would be horrible. The Country Bumpkin already hates life and I couldn't imaging how much he would hate us if we took away Miss. Country Bumpkin's little puppy.

New Travel Experiences

2008-08-24T21:30:00.008-06:00

Scott & I have been traveling quite a bit lately. Our latest trip was to go see my Mom get married up in Vancouver, BC. Jon, her new husband, (I guess technically he is my Step-Dad now) and her decided to get married on a Cruise Ship. Apparently they picked one that made it very difficult for people to go on them with. They wanted to go on a 2 week Alaskan Cruise. Since they pretty much knew that most normal people couldn't just pack up for 2 weeks and go on a cruise, they decided that they would get married in Vancouver, BC so that everyone could fly up for the wedding on the Cruise Ship and then fly right back.

Scott and I decided to have some fun with the wedding and try something different. We booked our flights into Seattle, WA. There are wonderful perks about being a Medallion Member with Delta and one of them was being upgraded to First Class. It didn't matter too much, we didn't get a meal. Pretty much the only thing we got was larger seats, which is always a plus.

Once we got into Seattle, we took the bus (Public Transportation), which I have to say was pretty cool. We got off near Pikes Place and found a cute little place to eat Lunch and then walked in the rain to the Ferry Station where we took a Ferry from Seattle to Victoria, BC. We then sat through 3 hours of a 6 year old totally playing mind games on her parents and winning. Oh ... she was good at it. She has her parents totally wrapped around her finger.

After that we hopped into a Taxi who drove us to another Pier where we missed the 7:00pm ferry from Victoria to Vancouver by about 10 minutes so we had to wait for the 9:00pm ferry. We ended up getting some fairly cold pizza and watching the Olympics on TV for a while.

We got on the Ferry after I ewwwed and awwwed at how BIG this ferry was. It was 4 levels, the first level you could fit Semi Trucks on it, like multiple trucks deep and wide. The 2nd level is where all the cars and trucks went, and the last 2 levels is where the people hung out. We found a somewhat quiet place to sit. The room was a little cold and the boat looked like it had been used quite a bit. We started talking to a very nice gentleman who informed us of the public transportation that we "could" take to get to our hotel. This is the point that we had our first and only tift of the whole trip. I admit, I was by then very tired. We had had a horribly long day of traveling. I was cold and I just wanted to get into the bed at the Hyatt where we were staying. And I was totally PMSing at that moment.

After I "let go" of my argument, we arrived in Vancouver, then took the public transportation into town and encountered many strange people. There was one guy who was on the ferry with us that decided his music was too goo to just keep to himself and he kindly shared it with everyone else. It was like 1980's modernized. He was carrying around a boom box but it was one that you could stick your iPod in it. And at least he was playing fairly good music. He then got off at one of the first stops. We then were fortunate enough to encounter a group of girls who could have been a woman's sports team (I think) that was out for the night and totally drinking. They were all having a good time.

We arrive at the hotel about 12:30am and I am so happy to be in our hotel and on a nice soft bed for the night.

The next morning is when the wedding took place. I'll talk more about the wedding in another post. All I have to say is Thank God that both Scott & my brother Pete, were in good moods. It made the day go by so much more smoothly.

After the wedding, we took Vancouver's "Sky Train" to the Amtrak Station. We hung out for a brief moment and then boarded the train. We took the train from Vancouver back down to Seattle.That was actually our best part of the trip. Amtrak was a perfect way to travel. We had these great reclining seats, going through Customs was a breeze, and there was food we could buy. (TIP: If you are wanting to buy food on board buy it early. Do NOT wait.) We also got to see the most amazing sunset.

When we got off the train, we took the public transportation back to the airport and then called the hotel's free shuttle bus to come pick us up. We stayed in a really cheap hotel for the night that was somewhat creepy but, you get what you pay for right? It was only for a few hours, then we hopped on an early morning flight back to Salt Lake.

This trip was definitely strange. I didn't grow up riding on buses or public transportation. I was fortunate enough to live close to all my schools and only rarely took the school bus home with friends. And we never took the public transportation. That was always something people did that didn't have money. (This was part of the tift that we had on the ferry.) The trip had me break though a lot of things. I got through it. And even though I had horrible pictures of people jumping up with gun in their hands saying to me, "Hand Me Over All Your Money, NOW!!!" that didn't happen. Most everyone on the buses were mostly quiet and kept to themselves. It was pretty cool.

Hang Tight

2008-08-20T08:51:00.003-06:00

I am writing this really great blog post but I am only about half way done with it. We are leaving in just a few minutes to go up to Vancouver for my Mom's wedding so I don't think I will have the time to finish writing it until after we get back.

But when it is posted it will be a really great one.

Have fun and I'll also post about my Mom's wedding.

A Little Sad

2008-08-18T21:08:00.003-06:00

I'm feeling a little bit sad today. Some what not in the mood to write anything. Its 9 o'clock and I'm almost thinking of just calling it a night and going to bed really early. Or finding a book to go read. The problem I have is I don't have any novels in this house. I haven't read a novel in a while.

A lot of things have somewhat hit me all at once today. I talked to Scott last night about having a baby. It didn't go as well as I thought it "should" have. In my mind, it was going to go something like this:
Me: Hey babe, I've been thinking.
Scott: About what?
Me: I've been thinking about that I want to have a baby with you. I want to get my IUD out.
Scott: I totally agree with you, I think you should call and make an apt first thing in the morning. And lets do everything in our power to make sure we conceive a healthy baby. I'll support you in running and maybe even join you some mornings, and we should all stop drinking soda's, and I'll cut down on my coffee in take also.
Me: Oh that sounds so wonderful ... I love you!
Scott: I love you to!

In reality it went something like this:
Me: Hey babe, I've been thinking.
Scott: About what?
Me: I've been thinking that I want to get my IUD out. I want to start trying to have a baby.
Scott: When.
Me: Soon.
... Long Pause ...
Scott: There is a lot of things we need to talk about and resolve before we have a baby.
... A little shorter pause ...
Me: Like what?
Scott: Finances are one of the major things.
... Long Pause again ...
Me: Oh ... OK
... Long Pause, I think I start to hear Scott breath very heavily as he is falling asleep ...
Me: We can talk about it later.
Me: Good Night. I love you.
Scott: Good Night. I love you too.

And just so you know, I may have not picked the most opportune time to start a discussion about expanding our family. We had just gotten back from a long weekend trip to California to see family, where we were running around and seeing family and people we hadn't seen in a while. We had just finished ... you know ... playing around in bed, and I think I've seen studies that men's brains shut down right after they have sex. And it was really late, it was after midnight. So there were a few factors happening all at once that probably didn't help my "enrollment conversation."

And today I feel total incomplete about the conversation. I've been wracking my brain all day trying to figure out what to say, what to do, how to make more money to make Scott happy, just anything. I'm feeling stuck right now. It isn't a good feeling. I've been on the verge of tears all day and right now they just over flowed and started streaming down my face. And I am so totally scared to even approach him to tell him I want to continue our talk. Maybe I'll just put it off until we are on our way to Vancouver on Wednesday. I don't know.

Money isn't where I want it to be, I agree with him there. I'll be the first one to admit it. I am not making the kind of money I was making last year at all. I've made bad mistakes. When I went independent for Cruise and Travel in November last year, I actually did really well for myself for that one month until I took the job at Mountain Reservations. Then I came into Mountain Reservations when it was a good time and made some good money until March. We went and got married and came back and ... shit ... The ski industry is closing up for the summer and no one is buying ski vacations right now. Then another shit ... the economy turns to poop and no one is still buying ski vacations right now. Um, not what I was planning on at all. And my income right now is coming in waves. High sometimes and Low the rest.

Scott & I have talked heavily about getting back to Cruise and Travel, but how do I do that when if I left Mountain Reservations right now, I wouldn't have a good paycheck for probably a few months, since I would be totally on commissions (and they come in after people travel).

I don't know. They are just all thoughts that are rolling around in my mind. I think the best option would to stick with Mountain Reservations but figure out a way to start transitioning back into Cruise and Travel Masters.

I have to keep remembering that when I took the job with Mountain Reservations that I took it only as a temporary job. It was only supposed to bring in some extra income for a while.

Thoughts In My Head

2008-08-17T22:36:00.002-06:00

I took a few days off from blogging because we headed out to California to see family out in the Bay Area. I think the few days off has totally congested my head because now it is full of different thoughts and ideas to talk about. I'll try not to make this long ... I'll probably break the thoughts into more manageable posts. I think that would be a better idea.

But here's just a preview of what is rolling around in my head. All of Scott's family lives out in California. We made it a commitment to go out about every other month to see his parent's and siblings. And so far we have been really successful. Sam absolutely loves going out there. He just adores all of his cousins. The reason why we went out this time was a very special reason. Scott's Parent's on August 16th - 50 years ago - got married. 50 years ago! Can you believe it? That just blows my mind. I think it is so wonderful. To see a couple with each other for such a long time and they still have so much love and respect and admiration for each other. I'll go on more with the actual even later on.

One thing that actually always gets me when we go out there is just how warm and friendly they are ... our family I mean. I just feel so loved and welcomed every time I meet someone new from his family. It is catches me off guard so many times and I treasure every minute of it. So different than what I had growing up some times.

I want to start a family. I think I am ready. I want to talk to Scott soon about getting my IUD taken out. I think I'll talk to him tonight ... why am I so nervous to talk to him and tell him I want to take the IUD out?

My Mom is getting married this week. I will definitely elaborate more on my thoughts that are in my head about the marriage. I really wish I knew the guy, John, more. It bugs me that he "doesn't like us" because of the stuff that I write. My writing is my writing, it is just my thoughts. Ya, I don't like it that he bought her wine. And if it is true than he can come to me and tell me the reasons why he did it. If I had an explanation, I'm sure I'd be more receptive towards him.

Well, that is good to get a start. I'll elaborate more on all of these little topics this week. I'm off to bed, it was a long weekend and I am SO looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight.