The Real Estalker

Michael Kilroy's Great Palm Springs Sell Off

2009-11-20T07:03:00.000-08:00

Listen children, we know we are tardy for the party today but now that we are here, buckle your seat belts because Your Mama is really gonna give it to y'all today with a triple whammy of architecturally significant properties in Palm Springs, CA. Grab yerselves a snack, pour a tall glass of whatever fortifying liquid it is that gets you through the day and let's get on out to Palm Springs, the scenic and hot, hot, hot promised land of gays, greys and grey gays.

Some people collect stamps, art, or maybe kooky salt and pepper shakers. Others, like our concupiscent confrere Fiona Trambeau, collect notches on their bedposts. And still others, those with deep pockets enviable credit lines, collect architecturally significant houses. One of those property collecting people is California-based bizness man Michael J. Kilroy who has amassed an undeniably impressive collection of iconic properties in Southern California. Please note that Your Mama does not have any idea how Mister Kilroy made his moo-lah, so don't bother asking. What we do know is the Mister Kilroy's father is an aeronautical engineer from Palos Verdes, CA whose name appears on a multitude of patents for toys manufactured by Mattel, which may or may not explain some things about the younger Mister Kilroy's finances.

Anyhoo, property records show that forty something year old Mister Kilroy owns a good number of prime properties including an ocean front doo-plex on The Strand in Hermosa Beach, CA designed by legendary architect Richard Neutra in 1938 as well as a magnificent Hollywood Regency style compound on N. Flores Street in West Hollywood, CA that was created and owned by Oscar winning actress Loretta Young who, it might please some of y'all to know, leased part of the property to hunky Hollywood homo Rock Hudson back in the day.

But it's not Mister Kilroy's West Hollywood or Hermosa Beach properties Your Mama want to dish and discuss today, it's his Palm Springs properties. In addition to the former Jack Benny estate on W. Vista Chino that prop records show the architectural connoisseur scooped up in March of 2001 for $1,775,000, the prolific property collector owns a trio of notable residences on swank Southridge Drive, all three of which he recently hoisted on to the market for a quite substantial combined total of $20,250,000.

SELLER: Michael Kilroy
LOCATION: Southridge Drive, Palm Springs, CA
PRICE: $13,890,000
SIZE: 8,901 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Literally one of THE most architecturally significant homes in all the wold. Known as The Elrod House, this John Lautner-designed home was commissioned by designer Arthur Elrod in 1968 and has been featured in numerous books, magazines and museum exhibitions. It is the iconic home perched at the very tip of the Southridge enclave, easily viewable throughout Palm Springs. Organic shapes, monumental construction and world class design create and extraordinary experience of space that Lautner himself described as "timeless" architecture.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: By far the most expensive of the three Southridge Drive domiciles that Mister Kilroy heaved on to the market a few days ago, listed with an eye-popping asking price of $13,890,000, is the monumental Elrod House designed in 1968 by superstar architect John Lautner for interior designer Arthur Elrod. Iffin any of the children do not know who John Lautner is, we suggest you get in your hoopdies and head on down to your local library or bookstore and start reading up on the iconoclast who not only pushed the boundaries of residential architecture way out of its comfort zone, but re-imagined the very notion of how private residences should look, function and feel.

Property records show that Mister Kilroy purchased the weird, wacky and wonderful Elrod House on gated Southridge Drive from supermarket mogul Ron Burkle in November of 2003 for $5,500,000. As best as Your Mama can surmise from peep and a poke around the property records, when Mister Kilroy purchased the property from Mister Burkle, it encompassed 5 lots totaling 22.25 acres. However, listing information indicates the 8,901 square foot architectural rara avis is being offered with just two lots that total 6.5 acres. We don't know why that discrepancy. Although The Elrod House was originally built with only 2 bedrooms, a large Lautner-designed extension containing a guest house and staff quarters was added in 1970 or 71 which increased the bedrooms to 5 and pushed the pooper count to 5.5.

The front door of the sleek, sexy and powerfully organic Elrod House, featured in the 1971 James Bond flick Diamonds Are Forever and–as y'all might imagine–used for a number of Playboy shoots of boobie baring babes is approached along a curving path of bewitching, herringbone patterned black slate that continues right into the melodramatic main space of the residence. The Elrod House is perhaps best known and most easily recognized by its epic, dome-like concrete roof which is perforated by nine angled, triangular sections fitted with skylights that allow indirect light to seep into the soaring and circular two level living room area which has a staggering 60-foot diameter. Two 25-foot wide glass curtains on the lower level of the living room slide open at the touch of a button obliterating the customary difference between indoors and outdoors and thus making the living room the most decadent and dee-voon covered porch on which Your Mama has ever had the pleasure to focus our blurry eyeballs. Mister Kilroy has smartly and sparsely furnished the space with several sofas that follow the gentle curve of the architecture and lay low enough so as not to interfere with the glittery view of Palm Springs below and craggy Mount San Jacinto in the distance.

The long and narrow galley style kitchen is separated from the main living space by a long, curving wall and appears to have a number of yellow, flower-like Dale Chihuly glass sculptures affixed to the wall near the ceiling.

The massive master bedroom is defined and even dominated by by a monstrous boulder with custom fitted, seamless glass that follows the contours of the top of the boulder and allows the scorching light of the harsh desert sun to be gently filtered into the space. According to a recent article in Palm Springs Life–which has some a-may-zing photographs of the property, in addition to seating, sleeping and dressing areas, the master bedroom includes a bar and refrigerator hidden behind walls of meticulously matched exotic woods, numerous closets lined with cork and a bazillion pull out Lucite drawers, and a luxuriously appointed pooper with a gigantic sunken, T-shaped bathtub that sits in front of a wall of glass but is protected from view by a stand of bamboo and another big ol' boulder.

The free-form shaped, infinity edged swimming pool sits off the lower level of the living room space. When the gigantic glass curtain walls are opened up, the pool is outside and when the windows are closed, part of the pool is indoors. What Your Mama has always wondered about this type of indoor/outdoor pool situation is can someone just swim under the wall and into the house? That would scare the bejeezis right out of us to know that we could be sitting in the living room enjoying the soothing effects of a nerve pill mixed with a gin and tonic only to have a Speedo or wetsuit wearing intruder rise up out the indoor part of the swimming pool like the damn Loch Ness Monster and ruin our substance induced bliss.

The guest house and staff quarters are accessed via a spiral staircase from the pool deck that leads down to a concrete and glass lined space that looks to Your Mama like to most glammy bunker or bomb shelter we've ever seen. Mister Kilroy has used at least part of this section of the house, which has a herringbone patterned floor similar to that in much of the house, a fireplace and yet another curving wall of floor to ceiling glass, to house his gym equipment. Lo-ward children, just imagine the monthly budget for window cleaner in this house. Mister Kilroy must have a full time minimum wage gurl who does nuthin' but wipe the damn windows all day long.

While there certainly would seem no shortage of architecturally minded individuals who would pee their pants in public in order to own this house, it'll be interesting to see what prospective buyers might be willing to pay. Remember chickens, not only has the eternally young Suzanne Somers has had to hack the price of her Palm Springs hideaway from $35,000,000 to $12,900,000, The Kaufmann House, another legendary and architecturally significant residence in Palm Springs, was expected to bring in as much as $25,000,000 at auction in the spring of 2008. But alas, the house didn't sell for anywhere near that price. In fact it didn't sell at auction at all and was later on the open market for just $12,900,000. The pristine property is currently still for sale with an undisclosed asking price.

Your Mama's point is that there just don't seem to be that many buyers in the $10,000,000+ range who want to own high maintenance properties in Palm Springs regardless of their impressive provenances which means that real estate lightening is going to need to strike for Mister Kilroy to sell The Elrod House for more than ten million clams in an economy and property market that is, at best, still limping.

LOCATION: Southridge Drive, Palm Springs, CA
PRICE: $3,470,000
SIZE: 4,493 square feet, 4 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Previously owned by the famous actor, Steve McQueen, this home is a mid-century time-capsule of Palm Springs' past. Located high on the ridge above Palm Springs in the prestigious Southridge community, it has the seclusion, glamour, history and mystic of the 60s and 70s Hollywood elite. A double door front entrance with brass lion head doorknobs soars two stories. Inside, the split-level terrazzo foyer is adorned with hand carved, braided wooden and metal railings. The living room is a steel I-beam and glass Modernist box projected into the magnificent city and mountain views and is surrounded by a cantilevered wrap-around balcony with sliding glass door entries to the pool & private yard....

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Sometime in 2005, the property immediately next door to Mister Michael Kilroy's beloved Elrod House became available for purchase and records reveal that in October of 2005 he forked over $2,500,000 for the glassy mid-century modern house. It's unclear what, if anything, has been done to the property since it was purchased by Mister Kilroy, but Your Mama hopes that at least some improvements were made because it's hit the market with a substantially higher asking price of $3,470,000.

The property, perched atop a ridge overlooking Palm Springs on gated Southridge Drive, was once owned by Steve McQueen, the studly actor sometimes referred to as 'The King of Cool.' Mister McQueen, himself a devastatingly handsome specimen of masculinity, often played almost stereotypically manly parts in films like The Sand Pebbles, for which he was nominated for an Academy Award, as well as The Magnificent Seven, The Thomas Crown Affair–the original one, not that silly remake with squinty eyed Pierce Brosnan, Papillon, and The Towering Inferno.

Listing information shows the boxy house was built in 1964 by Palm Springs architect Hugh M. Kaptur for someone with the last name Griffing whom we can't identify as anyone other than a guy with a thing for modern architecture. Property records show that when Mister Kilroy purchased the property, it encompassed two parcels totaling 1.98 acres and included a 4,493 square foot house with 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. Listing information, however, shows a 4 bedroom and 5 pooper house that sits on a 1 acre parcel. We're absolutely certain there is a simple explanation for these discrepancies, Your Mama just don't know what it is.

Listing information states the property is a time capsule with all the "seclusion, glamour, history, and mystic" of Palm Springs' heydays when the sleepy desert communities of the Coachella Valley attracted visitors and property owners like Frank Sinatra, Dinah Shore, Christina Onassis and Liberace. And a damn time capsule it is children, with dark paneling and brown wall to wall shag carpeting in the family room, white laminate counters and an intricately patterned linoleum floor in the kitchen, and some freaky-ass carpeting in the master bathroom which is also, sadly, being punished with woven window treatments that Your Mama has quite happily not seen since sometime in the mid 1970s.

Listing information indicates the hillside house is entered through two-story tall double doors with brass lion doorknobs that open to a split level foyer with terrazzo floors and a spectacular towering wall of glass. We don't know about the children, but those front doors with those ka-razy lion doorknobs sound dee-voonly campy and very Palm Springs, a look that uber-decorator Kelly Wearstler might have "borrowed" for the Viceroy Hotel.

The fabulosity of the foyer is carried through the formal living room which is surrounded by a wide, cantilevered balcony and floor to ceiling glass on three sides. Like the rest of the day-core, the furniture in the living room isn't doing the space any favors, partick that putrid Holiday Inn-ish table and chairs. However, in the deft hands of a nice, gay decorator smart enough not to do up the house with as a silly, retro-vintage cliché of Palm Springs circa 1962, this living room could be the sort of space Your Mama would never want to leave except to eat and use the damn terlit.

Each of the bedrooms, according to listing information, has the luxury of its own private pooper, a situation that pleases both Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter immensely for obvious reason. Listing information also indicates there is a separate guest unit with a full bathroom, a situation we like even more than secondary bedrooms with private poopers. The master bedroom, which is, quite frankly, not done justice by the listing photographs or the upsetting, hodge-podge and unsophisticated vintage day-core, stretches along the second floor with a long wall of floor to ceiling glass that look down on the swimming pool below and the lights of Palm Springs beyond that.

The backyard, large enough to comfortably entertain a few friends and sunbathe in the buff but no so large as to require a full staff and landscapers be on the property day in and day out, has the customary swimming pool. At first we were a mite disappointed not to see a kidney shaped number, but upon second thought we realized that would be mid-century modern overkill or, as our good friend Virginia Slim so succinctly and cleverly says, flooding the car. Not that it matters because Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter ain't moving to Palm Springs a minute before we turn 70, but we really do think we'd expire from heat stroke iffin we didn't hire our volatile house gurl Svetlana a good looking assistant whose only job was to make ice cubes that could be dumped into the swimming pool during the murderous hot summer months to cool the water.

Obviously whomever buys this house will either need to go weak in the knees for faux-wood paneling from the 1970s or have enough money left over to strip the house of it's bad elements and modernize it and over-haul it with enough sensibility to leave the bones alone because, as fer as Your Mama is concerned, this place has all the makings of a wickedly sexy yet perfectly cozy winter getaway for someone with a few million to spare for desert digs.

LOCATION: Southridge Drive, Palm Springs, CA
PRICE: $2,890,000
SIZE: 4,400 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Truly a spectacular piece of contemporary architecture, located in the premiere Southridge community, and affording a magnificent 270 degree view overlooking all the Coachella Valley and the mountains around it. Commissioned by race car driver James Jeffords and designed by architect Michael P. Johnson, this architectural marvel is symbolically named The Boat House both for its shape and the way it creates the illusion that your are emerging from the hillside on a voyage across the valley floor below. From the infinity pool deck and inside the home, with its soaring 24 foot ceilings and high glass walls, the house appears to be projecting into the view....

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: According to property records, the third property that completes Michael Kilroy's real estate triple whammy along Palm Springs' gated Southridge Drive was purchased by the real estate maven and another gentleman with the last name Bishop in August of 2005 for $3,100,000. A couple of years later, in late 2006 or early 2007, it appears that Mister Kilroy bought out Mister Bishops stake in the property. At least that what it looks like to Your Mama. Or it's possible, given the records, that Mister Kilroy bought the house from Mister Bishop in January of 2007 for $2,300,000. Whatever the details and dates of the purchase, Mister Kilroy has listed the property with an asking price of $2,890,000.

The Boat House, as the aggressively geometric residence is commonly called, sits just inside the gates and directly across the street from Mister Kilroy's other two architecturally significant houses on Southridge Drive, the John Lautner designed tour de force known as The Elrod House and the linear mid-century moder formerly owned by actor Steven McQueen.

Listing information and property records show the triangular and difficult to develop parcel measures 1 acre. The 4,493 square foot modern masterpiece was commissioned by contemporary architecture buff and race car driver James Jeffords and designed by soo-blimely smart and accomplished architect Michael P. Johnson who, some of the children might like to know, has created a fair number of mouth watering architectural morsels including the Ellsworth Residence in Arizona and the Parr Residence on Shelter Island, NY.

Anyhoo, listing information indicates that The Boat House contains 4 bedrooms and 5 poopers including a lofty, mezzanine-style master suite on the second floor that has a hearth-less and mantel-less fireplace with a flat scree tee-vee mounted to it, a private patio, and a humongous hexagonal skylight, which glides open at the flick of a switch so that the owner need never leave their bed in order to search the sky for comets and falling stars. The master pooper is a serene–if unexpectedly ordinary–space with pink veined marble counter tops and a seamless corner window above a jetted bathtub that looks like it might be large enough to accommodate two good sized people. That is iffin yer into sitting in a giant vat of filthy water with another person, which of course Your Mama is not. Listing information and a 2008 article in Palm Springs Life indicate that the guest rooms are well separated for seclusion and each contains a private pooper. A first floor guest room also offers a sitting area and private terrace while the upstairs bedrooms have office and lounging areas which means house guests need never actually spend time in the rest of the house if they so choose.

The unusually shaped house is not a result of the architect trying to be clever or coy, but rather an solution to a problematic and queerly shaped lot. The odd lot defined the configuration and flow of the house, pushing and forcing the dramatic–or perhaps even melodramatic–24-foot high living room into a wedge shaped space to the front of the property where it can take advantage of its elevated perch high above Palm Springs. The living room, which has a glass fireplace, a sunken wet bar, a built-in modular sofa and tall walls of glass that are seamless at the corners, spills out onto the terrace where an infinity edged pool has been fitted into the tip of prow-like triangular space. Because of siting, the narrowing shape of the house and the continued narrowing of the terrace, an thrilling bit of eye trickery takes place that creates the dee-lishusly disorienting sense that the house is plowing, ship-like, across the the desert floor below. If listing photos are to be believed, the optical hocus-pocus is even more convincing and more theatrical at night as the glistening lights of the streets and houses below mimics moonlight on water.

Behind the living room and slightly elevated so as to share in the same ship-like view as the living room are the dining room and kitchen. The dining room, unusually shaped like the rest of the rooms in the house, has a terrifically tactile and organic stone floor, built in cabinetry and is open to the galley style kitchen which has rich, caramel colored cabinetry and a black porcelain sink that Your Mama finds to be sinister, uninviting and way to early 1990s for our delicate decorative sensibilities. Large sliding panels can be used to close off the kitchen from the dining room and rest of the house, which is nice because who wants the dirty dishes–or their glowering, temperamental house gurl Svetlana–staring them down while trying to enjoy a nice dinner. An adjacent family room offers a less dramatic and more cozy spot to wind down and watch the boob-toob.

Interestingly, each of Mister Kilroy's Palm Spring properties up on Southridge Drive–as well as those in West Hollywood and Hermosa Beach–are available for leased short term through Pure LA Villas. Although prices for Mister Kilroy's Palm Springs properties are not revealed, his Neutra designed doo-plex in Hermosa Beach is listed at $11,800-$14,900 per week and the the 6 bedroom and 8 pooper former Loretta Young house–which is really in West Hollywood and not Beverly Hills as it's listed–can be had for just $32,500...per week. Rent them while you can children because who knows if the new owner of Mister Kilroy's trio of posh properties in Palm Springs will be so generous–or, as one old Palm Springs queen told Your Mama, desperate–as to let virtual strangers bunk down in the houses.

Phew! That concludes our lengthy and exhausting spin through Mister Kilroy's real estate extravaganza. We suggest the children unbuckle their seat belts and get thee to the liquor cabinet.

Nic Cage Has Another Newport Beach House on the Block

2009-11-19T12:09:00.000-08:00

SELLER: Nic Cage
LOCATION: 24th Street, Newport Beach, CA
PRICE: $995,000
SIZE: 1,500 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Beautifully remodeled beach house close to the pier, restaurants and Ferry to Balboa...all the fun the penninsula has to offer. High vaulted ceilings, Granite kitchen with maple cabinetry, all the best appliances. Central heating and air conditioning, beautifully tiled bathrooms, attached to each of the three bedrooms. Bamboo and tile flooring throughout, fireplace in living room, ceiling fans, inside laundry, double payned windows, recessed lighting. Two car attached garage with a space behind to park as well. Covered front porch with privacy, private side patio, built in and attached stained glass and beautiful mosaic tiles and big paddle ceilings fans. Interesting and creative design makes this a fun and creative beach house to spend your leisure time.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We know children, Your Mama can barely stand another damn story about Nic Cage and his real estate drama either, but there are a couple of tidbits about the cash strapped Oscar winning actor that we need to get off our desk.

As it turns out, when when Mister Cage sold his Newport Beach bay front mansion in late 2007 for a whopping $35,000,000, that was not the only piece of property he owned in the area. According to property records and recent reports from behind the Orange Curtain, in December of 2006 Mister Cage forked over $1,700,000 for a 1,500 square foot cottage located just steps from the beach on Newport Beach's 24th Street. By all accounts, including that of the all knowing Lucy Spillerguts, the 3 bedroom and 3 pooper property was purchased for and occupied by Mister Cage's very recently deceased father, former literature professor August Coppola.

Like all of Mister Cage other many properties, this one was also put up for sale in an effort to cut his financial losses. The property was officially listed for sale in early July, 2009 with an asking price of $1,895,000. Lo-ward children, what was Mister Cage and/or his bizness manager Samuel Levin thinking when they priced all these dozen or more properties Mister Cage bought at the peak of the market for more then he paid even though the bottom fell out of the real estate market? Seriously, that was just asinine.

Anyhoo, a couple of weeks after hitting the market the price tag dropped to $1,695,000. One month month later it was chopped to $1,495,000 and six weeks after that, in mid-November, it plummeted to $995,000. Days later the property was taken off the market only to be put back on the very next day at $995,000. A quick flicks of the well worn beads on Your Mama's bejeweled abacus shows the current asking price is just 59% of what Mister Cage paid for the place.

According to listing information, the renovated cottage has vaulted ceilings, bamboo and tile floors, a fireplace in the living room, a well equipped kitchen with granite counter tops, and big paddle ceiling fans. Each and every room has been painted with a variety of colors that do not go together. Your Mama is loathe to speak ill of the day-core of the dead–especially the recently departed–so we will refrain from blathering endlessly about the unholy and upsetting paint combination of lemon and grass green in the bedroom or the completely bizarro window frame in the office/bedroom that is half red and half blue. Your Mama has never seen that done before and, quite frankly, we hope never to see it again. Fortunately that is just some paint, nothing a shirtless painter whose also a beach volleyball player can't have fixed in a jiffy.

Out back there is a two car garage plus an additional parking space which is really quite nice in this part of Newport Beach where people will get all kinds of nasty with you over a parking spot withing easy walking distance to the beach. A cozy, covered front porch runs the width of the front of the house and is separated from the sidewalk by the most unusual–and disturbing–swinging doors that Your Mama has ever seen tacked on to a house that was not a damn saloon.

Your Mama is not overly familiar with the real estate market in this neck of the southern California woods so we don't have any expertise to offer about the current asking price. However, we do know that the closer you get to the water in California, the more expensive the land. Given that this house sits just five skinny houses from the sand, it's worth way more than it would be if it were picked up Wizard of Oz style and dropped down in Kansas or some other landlocked location. Whatever it's worth, it's clearly not anywhere near what Mister Cage paid.

In other Nic Cage real estate news, his two-condo combo crib on the 48th floor of the Olympic Tower in New York City digs which had been listed for for a combined asking price of $9,750,000. According to the dee-voon listing aggregating site Street Easy (and the New York Post), the two Fifth Avenue units were sold for a grand total of...drum roll please...$7,500,000. Records show that Mister Cage paid $6,500,000 for both of the units in 2005 so, at least in this case, he's turned a profit on the transaction.

The detail that Your Mama finds interesting that wasn't mentioned in the New York Post's Gimme Shelter column today is that the limited liability company listed as the new owner of both of Cage's New York City condos happens to own five other units in the building as well, two on the 46th floor and three on the 47th floor. Based on the apartment numbers of all the units, it's unclear to Your Mama if they can be combined into one gigantic, 7 unit triplex.

Little by little and mostly with painfully enormous financial losses, Mister Cage is getting his properties sold...or sold at auction in foreclosure proceedings. As far as we know, both of his historic New Orleans mansions were taken in foreclosure and he's managed to off-load his Bavarian schloss, a townhouse in Bath (UK), his Manhattan pied-a-terre. It has been reported he's sold or in the process of selling the club-shaped Midford Castle in the UK and his primary residence on Copa de Oro road in the swanky Bel Air section of Los Angeles, last listed at $17,500,000, is currently in contract. We've heard from knowledgeable folks who dabble in the high end of the market in the better zip codes of Los Angeles that the deal is for just under $15,000,000. But don't anyone go quoting that like it's some kind of gospel because it's an entirely unsubstantiated rumor that slipped down the real estate gossip grapevine and into Your Mama's inbox. It appears that, like everyone else, we're going to have to wait until the deal closes to find out the 411.

That only leaves a private island in the Bahamas, a Paradise Island house, 27-acre estate in Middletown, RI that has a 24,667 square foot mansion, a large tract of land in the mountains above Malee-boo, and an ass-uglee mansion in Las Vegas. Did we miss one or two?

As the world now know, Mister Cage has filed a $20,000,00 lawsuit against his former bizness manager Samuel Levin claiming his money man led him down a path to financial ruin. Mister Levin has, of course, filed a counter suit claiming that Mister Cage created his own financial quagmire with his profligate ways and needed to bring in at least $30,000,000 a year to maintain his excessive lifestyle. Mister Levin's suit maintains that in 2007 alone Mister Cage bought 22 cars–including 9 Rolls Royces–12 pieces of expensive jewelry, 47 pieces of art and spent $33,000,000 on real estate purchases. And those are just the big money buys. Imagine how much was frittered away on smaller and less expensive items.

Now that we've once again–for the 100,000th time it seems–spent the afternoon wallowing in Mister Cage's real estate miseries, we're going to go make us a tall pitcher of gin and tonics and sit out on the back deck looking at the trees trying to think of pretty things.

UPDATE: Villa Leopolda

2009-11-19T06:51:00.000-08:00

Your Mama has a few things to cover today but we thought we'd start at the tippy-top with the recent real estate reality check wildly rich widow Lily Safra had regarding Villa Leopolda, her behemoth Belle Epoque estate overlooking the Mediterranean Sea on the Cote d'Azure.

In December of 1999, the high priestess of international high society lost her Lebanese banking billionaire huzband Edmund in a suspicious fire that raged through their Avenue d'Ostende penthouse in the posh principality of Monaco. When the smoke cleared and the dust settled, the Brazilian born socialite and perfectly preserved philanthropist became the sole owner of Villa Leopolda.

In addition to its manicured lawns and meticulously maintained gardens that are said to require 50 gardeners be snipping and clipping all day every day, the 50-acre estate includes an ocher colored, 29,000 square foot confectionery colossus with 11 bedrooms and 14 poopers. The expansive grounds also contain numerous out buildings–probably for storing all the rakes and lawnmowers, a commercial sized green house, a swimming pool and pool house, an outdoor kitchen, helipad, and a guest house larger than the mansions of most millionaires. Your Mama sometimes whittles away an hour or two wondering and day-dreaming about the security measures required to defend Villa Leopolda in the unlikely event an unwanted intruder manages to get up on the grounds. Are there 24/7 armed guards? Panic rooms and bomb shelters? Surely there are studio sized vaults for storing valuables, right? And what about a secret tunnel through which residents, guests and illicit lovers can be secreted out unnoticed if the need arises? We know we'd want those things iffin we were the Widda Safra which, of course, we are not.

Ever since the Missus Safra and the late Mister's swank penthouse in Monaco went up in flames, rumors have regularly raced through the international real estate community about the Widda Safra wanting to unload the costly and excessively high maintenance estate. It's probably not that the Widda Safra–herself a billionaire or close to–can't afford to keep the place. But let's get real butter beans, how many damn uber-luxe properties around the world does an empty nesting single senior citizen really need?

Anyhoo, Villa Leopolda, which was once falsely rumored yet widely reported to have been sold to Microsoft multi-billionaire Bill Gates, was once considered to be the world's most expensive estate even though it was never–as far as Your Mama knows–ever on the open market. However, all the uber-wealthy folks and real estate gossips who cares about such trivial things knew the place was available at the right price. In early 2009, the international real estate rumor mill was whispering and reporting that big living Russsian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov had entered into an agreement to buy Villa Leopolda from the Widda Safra for a fever making and stomach churning $750,000,000. That's right puppies, three quarters of a billion bucks. It drives Your Mama right to the loony bin just to think that anyone would be willing to part with that much money for a house they'd likely use, maximum, a few weeks each year.

The deal was all hush-hush, of course, and all parties involved insisted that no deal was being made. Then, as the Widda's luck would have it, the global economy flushed itself down the terlit and Gaspodin Prokhorov, the presumed buyer, backed out of the deal thus forfeiting a titanic $55,000,000 deposit. Naturally, the notoriously lavish living Russian bizness baron wanted his money back but the Widda Safra said, "Nyet." French law states that buyers lose their deposit if they back of of a transaction after the sales agreement has been signed and apparently the sales agreement had been signed because it wasn't long before the Widda Safra sent out a press release–that did not name the buyer–in which she said she was going to donate the forfeited $55,000,000 deposit to a variety of charities. You can do that sort of thing when you're richer than the damn Pope.

The estate was thought to have been removed from the market until mid-November of 2009 when the folks at Forbes put out their annual list of the world's most expensive homes and lo and behold, holding fast as the fourth priciest estate in all the world is Villa Leopolda. The estate is reportedly back on the market–although not the open market–with a dramatically reduced asking price of $102,000,000. That's a staggering, stunning and heart stopping 648 million dollar drop from its highest rumored asking price. Interestingly, the photo included in the tidbit on Forbes is not a photo of Villa Leopolda, but another exceptionally high priced villa in the area that goes by the name Villa Schiffanoia. We're not sure if the folks at Forbes just made a mistake and attached the wrong photograph or if they made an even bigger mistake and mistook the listing for Villa Schiffanoia for that of Villa Leopolda.

If indeed the folks at Forbes got the story right but the picture wrong and Villa Leopolda really is for sale with a $102,000,000 asking price, someone must have sat the well-dressed Widda Safra down and told her that even Russian billionaires, those mega-rich rascals who regularly drop tens of millions of dollars on extravagant estates like they're buying underpants and JC damn Penny, are no longer willing to spend half a billion dollar or more for a vanity real estate purchase such as Villa Leopolda. It remains to be seen if there are any titans, tycoons or potentates still willing to spend a hundred million on a house either. We shall see, we shall see.

The Widda Safra is said to also own homes in Geneva, London and New York City where she shacks up in a posh penthouse at the hallowed 820 Fifth Avenue.

Actress Ali Larter Scoops One Up In The Canyon

2009-11-18T10:13:00.001-08:00

BUYER: Ali Larter and Hayes MacArthur
LOCATION: Astral Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,925,000
SIZE: 5,500 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This stunning 2007 Brian Murphy Architectural on appx 1/2 acre offers expansive views & privacy. The spacious three story home with an open floor plan features walls of glass throughout. Exquisite modern finishes complement the appx 5,500 sqft of interior space. The professional inspired kitchen features state of the art appliances. Master suite with fireplace has private balcony & wardrobe closet. Large master bath w/ spa tub & steam shower. Huge upper sun deck overlooks large grassy flat yard.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama recently received a friendly missive from Sammy Sendsalong who thoughtfully provided a link over to the online version of a publication–which we decline to name–about a celebrity real estate transaction in Los Angeles. Listen butter beans, it's not that Your Mama does not like to give credit where credit is due. It's that we like credit where credit is due too. See, this particular publication discusses properties previously dished and discussed on our little online endeavor all the damn time and has never, ever, not even once credited Your Mama for our efforts. So, screw 'em, we're no longer going to credit them for celebrity real estate tidbits they get to first. Oh lo-ward children, can y'all tell Your Mama woke up on the wrong side of the damn bed this morning?

Let's quit our bitching and whining and move on to the real estate estate matter at hand. The property we're going to discuss this morning, located in the star-studded Nichols Canyon area of Los Angeles, was purchased by former Ford model turned actress Ali Larter and her new huzband, actor/comedian Hayes MacArthur. Your Mama freely confesses that we had never heard of Mister MacArthur before. After a few minutes clicking and clacking on the keyboard of our trusty laptop we turned up some bizness about him being named after Helen Hayes and also that the couple were married at the Kennebunkport, ME estate of Mister MacArthur's parents. Your Mama wonders if ol' 41 and big boned Barb were invited to the nuptials since they too live in Kennebunkport even though they like to pretend they're from the Tee-Ex.

Miss Larter got her start in Hollywood in the late 1990s when she worked her pretty blond stuff in films like Varsity Blues, Giving It Up, Drive Me Crazy and the remake of House on Haunted Hill. Your Mama has neither seen nor heard of any of those movies. From there, Miss Larter's career picked up with roles in more movies we've never seen nor heard of including Final Destination, American Outlaws and Jay and Silent Bobby Strike Back. She did appear in Legally Blond with the lavishly paid Reese Witherspoon, but we really can't recall what role she played in that. In 2006 Miss Larter landed a starring role on the Emmy nominated sci-fi drama Heroes which we've never bothered to watch because ex-internet strippers with supernatural powers just ain't our cup of tee-vee tea.

Anyhoo, property records and sales information Your Mama managed to squirrel off the internets shows that Miss Larter and Mister MacArthur actually bought their concrete colored contempo back in late June of 2009 for $2,925,000. Listing information indicates the three story dwelling was designed by an architect named Brian Murphy and built in 2007 with approximately 5,500 square feet that includes 4 bedrooms and 5.5 poopers.

The day-core in the listing photographs is, obviously, not that of Miss Larter and/or Mister MacArthur so Your Mama suggest we all try to look beyond the half-assed attempt at an eclectic, wish it was done by Kelly Wearstler Hollywood Regency Revival sort of thing that's going on there.

The open plan main floor is divided by a series of floating, open tread staircases that make Your Mama nervous to look at. On one side of the staircases is the living room on the other the dining area and the super sleek kitchen that is so white it makes Your Mama want to throw some tomato juice around in there. Stark white walls and very pale, wide plank wood floors unify the two areas which also share a long wall with four over-sized sliding glass doors that open to a terrace that runs most of the length of the house and overlooks the flat and grassy back yard below and the canyon beyond.

The top floor master bedroom has a fireplace for romantical type–of which Your Mama is decidedly not, a canyon view balcony, a studio apartment sized walk in closet with custom fittings, and a large bathroom that is so white it looks like you could conduct lab experiments in it. The lower floor, level with the backyard, contains various rooms that include a wood floored and low ceiling family room-like space that opens to a covered terrace that, like the terrace upstairs, runs nearly the entire length of the back of the house.

There is a large roof terrace accessed via a spiral staircase that would surely require Your Mama down a fat nerve pill followed by a tall gin & tonic before we even thought about climbing it. The brave who manage to haul their hineys up the spiral staircase find a fairly expansive space with lovely and enviable 360 degree views of tree tops and the canyon. Your Mama can only hope there are no neighbors with sight lines down on this terrace because it really is the perfect spot for sunbathing in the nood.

The backyard is unusually flat for a canyon property and is currently "landscaped" with little more than large lawn. Your Mama realizes that not everyone enjoys paddling around in a giant vat of chlorinated water, but for nearly three million clams of our money we better find a damn cee-ment pond in the backyard.

As a final note, Your Mama wishes Miss Larter and Mister MacArthur well in their new marriage and new home. But we also hope they'll listen to Your Mama and hire a nice, gay decorator to work out the interior day-core of this house because in the wrong hands, an all-white modern manse like this can easily feel unfriendly and ice cold.

Miss Larter and Mister MacArthurs new nearby neighbors include has-been comedian Pauly Shore and oil scion and actor Balthazar Getty, although it may only be the philandering Mister Getty's estranged wifey Rosetta and their four children who live there now.

Gale Harold Lists Los Feliz Doo-plex Digs

2009-11-17T07:07:00.000-08:00

SELLER: Gale Harold
LOCATION: Arbolada Road, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,300,000
SIZE: 2,566 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Updated mid-century duplex. Unit #1 3BR, 2 BA, Unit #2, 2BR, 2BA. High end kitchen and baths in owner's unit, 2nd unit in good condition w/ some upgrades. HUGE lot that is your own private oasis with meandering paths through native trees and plants.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The other day Your Mama received a covert communique from Lovely Leslie in Los Feliz who whispered in our ear that an actor named Gale Harold III had listed his mid-century doo-plex on Arbolada Road with an asking price of $1,300,000. Your Mama said, "Gale what? Harold who? Arbo- where?"

So, like we usually do when confused and confronted with a celebrity name we do not immediately recognize, we fired up our trusty laptop and started clicking and clacking on the keyboard. It was only a matter of minutes before we were able to put a familiar face to Gale Harold's unfamiliar name. Many of the children will know handsome Mister Harold as that dumb ass Susan Mayer's rebound boyfriend on the last season of Desperate Housewives. Mister Harold's stint on that program was cut short when he was injured in pretty serious motorcycle accident in the fall of 2008. Prior to that, his most notable and recognizable role would surely be as the libidinous and narcissistic ur-homosexual Brian Kinny on Queer as Folk. Some in the Lesbian Gay Bi and Transgender community whined that his role as excessively vain and hyper-horny only perpetuated negative stereotypes of a gay men. Others found the portrayal refreshingly transgressive and liberating and still others, those without sexual hang ups or a political axe to grind, just thought Mister Harold as Brian Kinney was nothing more than nine kinds of hot and sexy.

According to his resume on the IMDB, Mister Harold calls the pretty city of Toronto, Canada home, which is where Queer as Folk filmed back when it was still being filmed. However, according to property records–and Lovely Leslie in Los Feliz–Mister Harold owns a doo-plex property on a curvy cul-de-sac at the eastern edge of Los Feliz that he bought in March of 2005 for $794,500. The tri-level doo-plex is painted in two shades of baby poop, has a three car garage at street level and, according to property records and listing information, the two units combined measure 2,566 square feet.

Listing information barely describes the smaller, 2 bedroom and 2 pooper unit but does state it is in "good" condition with "some upgrades." Listen chickens, whenever Your Mama sees this kind of lackluster listing language we can't help but think that it's just real estate speak meant to downplay that the place is a hot mess with a dirty tenant. It's like all those naughty real estate brokers in Manhattan who use the word "cozy" when describing an apartment that has just one window that opens into an air shaft and is too damn small to stand in let alone live. Of course, we're not saying there's anything wrong with the second unit of Mister Harold's doo-plex because Your Mama don't know nuthin' from a mohair sweater. We're just saying you might want to throw your hazmat suit in the trunk iffin you go looking at this part of the doo-plex, just in case.

The larger of the two units, the "owner's unit," is a compact, single level set up with 3 bedrooms and 2 poopers. The front door opens directly into the living room which has wood floors, a fireplace, a wall mounted flat screen tee-vee and a bunch of furniture that looks like it came from one of the better Salvation Army thrift stores around town. While there are a few nice things in here–like the credenza under the window and the satellite light fixture above the dining room table–it's obvious Mister Harold did not consult a nice gay decorator on the day-core.

The kitchen and bathrooms have been given the once over by someone who appears to have some idea of what they're doing. The small kitchen has flat fronted cherry cabinetry–at least it looks like cherry–and all stainless steel appliances. The hall bathroom is wrapped in a dark colored square glass tile with a white grout and has a tub/shower combination with a large frosted window and a glossy, wood plank counter top with a shallow, white and box-like sink sitting on top. Normally Your Mama does not care for this trend towards dog-bowl like bathroom sinks, but this is about as good as it can be done as far as we're concerned.

Mister Harold made a half-assed attempt to modernize the master bedroom buy removing the original closet doors and replacing them with sliding frosted glass numbers. While the thought is good, there's something decidedly and disturbingly off-kilter in the final product. The other two wee-sized and wood floored bedrooms are even more visually distressing with their cacophony of mis-matched carpets. One includes a very messy desk and bookshelves and some kind of chair with hideously scrolled arms and the other a bunch of work out equipment that Your Mama can't identify because we don't bother with that nonsense. Of course these things are removed once the property sells. We can only hope Mister Harold thinks twice about moving all that college boy crap to his new crib.

All three bedrooms open to the back yard through sliding glass doors, which we like. The rustic back yard climbs up the hillside with a series of terraces, stacked stone walls and meandering pathways. After a booty busting climb through the native plants, one is high enough to look over the doo-plex roof and towards Glendale. Not the most inspiring view maybe, but it's really better than no view at all isn't it? Your Mama would suggest putting a hammock up at the top of the property which would be wonderful for settling into a long afternoon of reading and gin and tonics.

Perhaps the best thing Your Mama can say about this doo-plex is that if you're gonna live in a doo-plex this is the sort of doo-plex you want to live because the two units do not appear to share any common walls, floors or ceilings. This separation promotes privacy, peace and quiet. No one needs to listen to to their neighbors fight and fornicate through paper thin walls.

Of course, Your Mama hasn't any idea why Mister Harold would want to sell his doo-plex in a down market. But he his. Maybe he's moving his rust colored velour sofa and gym equipment to a single family home? That would be our guess, but again, Your Mama don't know a bowl of cereal from table lamp so the truth is we don't know nuthin' about Mister Harold's next real estate move. Whatever it may be we wish him luck and we wish he'd do it shirtless. Oh! Did we say that out loud?

A Wee Bit O' Monday Morning Mish-Mash

2009-11-14T09:34:00.000-08:00

We have found ourselves a bit swamped lately with a variety of projects that distracted us and occupied a bit more time than we expected. So we are bee-hind. In an effort to catch up on a few celebrity real estate tidbits, we're going to work up a little mish-mash this Monday morning and clear off a few bits and real estate pieces we've yet to get around to.

1.
Let's begin with some chit-chat about the really weird real rumors that Real Housewives of Atlanta's bewigged bee-hawtcha Kim Zolciak might be moving to Los Angeles. Here's what Your Mama knows about that particular piece of scuttlebutt: It's not true. Yes, the chain smoking and wine swilling dee-vorcé was recently spotted lunching around Lala Land with Million Dollar Listings' hairtastic real estate agent Chad Rogers but, according to our knowing informant Willie Willingtotalk, the rumors ain't nuthin' but rumors and Miz Zolciak and her 79,000 hair pieces are staying put in her Atlanta, GA area townhouse condo...for now.

Given their chummy–and odd–coupling, Your Mama would bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that if the one hit wonder does decide to go west in search of fame and fortune, she'll most certainly employ Mister Rogers to find her a suitable home where she can park her Bentley and store her chardonnay.

Property records show that Miz Zolciak purchased her 3,396 square foot, 4 bedroom and 4 pooper townhouse in Duluth, GA in January of 2006 for $486,000.

2.
One of the many big name victims of fiendish financier Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme sins was kooky and campy Zsa-Zsa Gabor and her nutty ninth huzband Prince Frédéric van Anhalt.

Oh dear jeezis in heaven, these two antiquarian lovebirds are kuh-wite the pair. She once slugged a police officer who had the audacity to stop her for speeding through the street of Beverly Hills in her Rolls Royce and, in addition to claiming he might be Anna Nicole Smith's baby daddy–he's not, in 2007 he used his mobile phone to ring the po-po who found by the aged Prinz on a leafy street in Beverly Hills in his Rolls Royce, naked as the day he was born, claiming he was robbed by a trio of ladee robbers who sped off with his wallet and jewelry in a Chrysler convertible. That sound believable, right? According to the not always very reliable Wikipedia, these two wackadoodles have together adopted not just one, but four adult men. One is said to own a brothel, another to own a strip club or two, a third to owns health clubs of some sort and the fourth is a surgeon who prefers not to be identified. So you know, they're a little, uhm, peculiar these two.

Anyhoo, according to a recent report in the New York Post, Miz Zsa-Zsa and her Prinz lost as much as $10,000,000 of their nest egg that was invested with the Machiavellian Mister Madoff. At the time Mister Madoff's money mess was uncovered, the usually quite gregarious Prinz van Anhalt fretted that their long time mansion in Bel Air might be threatened and it seems his real estate fears may have come true. According to the NY Post, Miz Zsa-Zsa and her Prinz have had a $118,000 tax lien placed against their Bel Air Road residence. An unpaid tax lien can force the sale of a property if the debt is not paid.

This is not the first time that 90-something year old Miz Zsa-Zsa and her Prinz have been in a bit of a financial pickle as regards their Bel Air Mansion. In October of 2002, according to property records, a notice of default was filed on a $1,500,000 mortgage secured by the property. That matter appears to have been cleared up.

Property records shows Miz Zsa-Zsa and the Prinz's mansion measures 6,393 square feet and includes 4 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms. Their nearby neighbors include soft-porn purveyor Joe Francis–he of the Girls Gone Wild fame and fortune, PayPal founder Elon Musk, billionaire Kirk Kerkorian's former second wife Jean Kerkorian, and radio and tee-vee icon Art Linkletter. Just down the road a short piece are Salma Hayak and her luxury goods mogul huzband Henri-Francois Pinault and the former Marion Jorgensen property that Transformers tycoon Michael Bay recently scooped up for $10,900,000 and is in the process of knocking down in order to build another house that Your Mama expects will probably be about as big as a boo-teek hotel.

3.
Listen chickens, we try to steer clear of dishing and discussing Michael Jackson's family because, frankly, we just find them all kinds of crazy to the point of being toxic. All the publicity seeking, money grubbing and glad handing just makes Your Mama want to puke. Had Your Mama the opportunity, we'd probably start flapping our jaw at Jermaine and Tito and some of those other Jackson family members telling that they need to go get a damn job instead of suing and scheming to siphon money out of The White Lady's estate. Iffin the now deceased King of Pop had wanted his father and brothers to be taken care of financially, he would have accounted for them in the will. But he didn't. So man up Jackson people and move on. Your financial gravy train has done left the damn station.

Anyhoo, like so many other b-, c-, and d-list celebrities who have to scratch and claw to make a living, LaToya Jackson has had some real estate troubles of late. According to previous reports and public records, her 1,876 square foot condominium at the Regency Towers inside the Las Vegas Country Club in Las Vegas, NV was was snatched away from her in foreclosure proceedings.

According to public property records, unnaturally narrow nosed Missus Jackson bought the Bel Air Drive condo way back in 1996 for $260,000. Over the years the singer/ack-turuess/Playboy model/author/psychic friend took out loans secured against the property totaling nearly $750,000. All was well until August of 2008 when a Notice of Default was filed on the 27th floor condo which was scheduled to be sold at auction on the 31st of December, 2009. She was seen in the days before the scheduled auction seen squirreling her possession out of the condo. What's all kids of bee-zar to Your Mama is that Lady LaToya has been recently photographed around town behind the while of a very expensive Bentley. Can someone explain to Your Mama how this bee-hawtcha can afford to drive a damn Bentley but not pay her damn mortgage?

It is Your Mama's understanding that Miz LaToya lives in Los Angeles now. We've always read that she lives in Bel Air, but according to Mirakle Mike, she shacks up in a condo in one of the tall apartment towers that line Wilshire Boulevard near Westwood and Century City. We can't confirm that with a second source, so we do not recommend of of y'all trotting out that real estate tid bit in an attempt to impress your friends because it just may not be accurate. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

3. It's no secret that Oscar winning actor Nic Cage is having some financial, uhm, issues. He's got about 12 luxury houses around the world and they are all up for sale or, in the case of his two historic mansions in New Orleans, have been lost down the rabbit hole of foreclosure.

Several months ago, leins were placed against the properties and late last week the properties were sold at auction. Both properites were bought by the Alabama based Regions Bank who paid $2,300,000 for his Royal Street residence and antoher $2,200,000 for his Prytania Street mansion. Two down, another 8 or ten to go.

Mister Cage, who reportedly made upwards of $40,000,000 last year, claims that his bizness manager Samuel Levin is to blame for his one-time free flowing river of cash drying up and has filed a $20,000,000 lawsuit against Mister Levin claiming he stuffed his pocked with millions in management fees while allowing Mister Cage to cook his own financial goose with his excessive spending on a dozen or more luxury properties including two castles in Europe and a private island in the Bahamas, several boats, a private plane, exotic animals, rare birds, dozens of vintage automobiles that he kept in a private hangar at the Santa Monica (CA) airport, and a dinosaur skull for which he allegedly paid $276,000.

In all fairness, he is also known to be exceedingly generous with friends and was reported to have given a million bucks to the Red Cross to aid victims of Hurricane Katrina in 2005 and another two million clams to Amensty International in 2006.

It's said that Mister Cage has let some of his staff go–such as the full time car mechanic and the full time chef and as far as we know, Mister Cage has now managed to sell a Newport Beach, CA mansion, a two-unit combo condo in Manhattan, a Bavarian schloss and a townhouse on The Circus in Bath (UK). He is currently in contract to sell his 11,817 square foot Bel Air mansion which was last listed with a price tag of $17,500,000.

Recent reports indicate his bff Johnny Depp may step in and give Mister Cage a financial helping hand.

Jonathan Antin Lists Toluca Lake Ranch House

2009-11-13T07:33:00.000-08:00

SELLER: Jonathan Antin
LOCATION: 10049 Toluca Lake Avenue, Toluca Lake, CA
PRICE: $1,999,000
SIZE: 2,859 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 2.75 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Single story home in the coveted heart of Toluca Lake near Lakeside Golf Club offers a polished interior in a tranquil setting. An automatice gate opens to a circular driveway enhanced with an ecogrid patterning. Wood floors and expansive molding accents are constant throughout the living and formal dining areas and highlighted by well planned directional recessed lighting. A guest room and full bathroom are located on one side of the home with the remaining bedrooms and the master suite located on the opposite side of the home down a common hallway....

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Let's all get into Your Mama's gin and tonic fueled time machine and go way back to March of 2007 when we dished and discussed a Bird Street bachelor pad high above Tinseltown's Sunset Strip being sold by Jonathan Antin. Mister Antin is, of course, the L.A. based celebrity beyootishun with the chisel chin and smoldering, come hither eyes who has toiled over the tresses of divas like Madonna, Margaret Cho, Rod Stewart and Ricky Martin.

A few months later, in May of 2007, we heard from our informant John Doe who tattled that the comely coiffeur and his baby momma turned wifey Sescie were hightailing it out of the Hollywood Hills for the more family friendly 'hood of Toluca Lake. Property records do indeed reveal that in April of 2007 Mister and Missus Antin paid $1,980,000 for a single story house on Toluca Lake Avenue that sits right up next door to the beast built and occupied by original Beverly Hills 90210 star Jennie Garth and her actor huzband Peter Facinelli who not only plays a boobie grabbing doctor on the fab Showtime program Nurse Jackie but also plays a doctor in the uber-successful vampire film phenomena that is Twilight. Mister Antin, who makes Foneesha–the gal who works the hair washing station at the salon where Your Mama's locks get worked–go wild with desire, is no stranger to appearing on the boob-toob. Not only did he star in Bravo TV reality program Blow Out, he pushes his own hair car product line on the QVC.

Your Mama was sitting around the other morning chomping saltines in order to soak up the booze and we received an unexpected and covert communique from a Toluca Lake resident we'll call Gladiss Kravitz, who should not to be confused with Gladys Kravitz from Bewitched. Our Missus Kravitz conspiratorially whispered in Your Mama's big ear that after only owning the house for just 2.5 years, Mister and Missus Antin have listed their Toluca Lake property with an asking price $1,999,000. A few flicks of the well worn beads on Your Mama's bejeweled abacus shows that Mister Antin is neither just a pretty face nor a hair-brained hairdresser because he rather wisely priced his house just $19,000 more than he paid for the place 2.5 years ago when the real estate market in Los Angeles was still raging like a wildfire out of control. We're not saying the Antins will get $19,000 more than they paid, but at least they didn't up-price their property a million bucks over what they paid for it at the tippy-top of the real estate bubble like so many other rich and famous people have been doing.

Of course, Your Mama don't know a cup of coffee from a dump truck but it looks to us like the Mister and Missus Antin may have already moved from this house. Or maybe the Staging Lady in a Pink Toyota has already been up in the house clearing out all their personal effects? Or maybe the couple and their two young children simply don't like their house cluttered up with a bunch of knick-knacks and paddy-whacks? Whatever the case, listing information indicates the barely decorated, single story, hip roof ranch measures 2,859 square feet and includes 4 bedrooms and 2.75 poopers. An automatic gate opens to a large circular drive with a cross-hatched pattern of concrete squares and grass strips that listing information calls an "ecogrid."

The front foyer leads to the living room which has hardwood floors, a corner fireplace, a wall mounted flat screen tee-vee, French doors that open to the back yard, and a bunch of furniture that looks like it was ordered out one of those Pottery Barn catalogs that get delivered to Your Mama's house every damn day. While there's really nothing special about this room that we can see, we do like the blue and lighter blue striped rug and imagine it might look mighty fine in our upstairs office. The wood floors continue into the dining room which has corner windows covered by plantation shutters, more French doors and one of those unfortunate candle chandeliers hanging over the farmhouse table. Listen children, we know these candle things probably give off nice and romantic light, and we would certainly never recommend a klieg-like lighting solution for a dining room, but the five puny candles that make up this paltry chandelier probably wouldn't light up a damn closet let alone provide enough light in the damn dining room to see what you're putting in your mouth.

The eat-in kitchen is all country style with knotty pine cabinetry, a cross-hatch pattern tile floor with wood inlay that unhappily mirrors the "ecogrid" on the driveway, and eggshell-colored tile counter tops with a very upsetting flowery detail on the edge. Listing information indicates the appliances are all high grade, that there is a prep sink, a pantry, a separate office area/work station, and an indoor grilling hearth because, you know, it's not so easy to barbecue outside with all the inclement weather in Los Angeles. The children will note that the dishwasher has been raised up so that Cho-Cho the dish dude won't bust up his back bending over while loading and unloading the fine china.

According to listing information, there is a guest bedroom and pooper on one side of the house and the home's other three bedrooms are located on the other. The master bedroom appears to have chocolate brown carpeting which might be good for hiding dirt and doggy doo stains, but otherwise Your Mama can't see any sufficient reason for installing chocolate brown wall to wall carpeting. Overall Your Mama does not care for the lackluster day-core in the Antin house, but we are coveting that pair of wood benches at the foot of the bed. The master pooper is home to about 49 different types and colors of tile and a commodious shower that listing information says has a "plethora of shower heads" which is a lovely feature if you like to have your choo-choo sprayed clean at the same time you're washing your hair.

Several sets of French doors and French door-like sliding doors open to a covered brick terrace that runs along the backside of the house. Listing information indicates the flat and grassy backyard is "thoughtfully landscaped," and while large enough, does not currently have a swimming pool. It does, however, have a dog run, which is nice if you have dogs but not so much if you don't.

In addition to Jenny Garth and Peter Facinelli, the Antin's nearby neighbors also include High School Musical's Ashley Tisdale and former Baywatch babe Brooke Burns who was once married to not afraid to bare his booty on national tee-vee Nip/Tuck hottie Julian McMahon.

Max Azria Upsizes in Los Angeles

2009-11-12T06:56:00.000-08:00

SELLER: Max Azria
LOCATION: N. Rexford Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $6,899,000
SIZE: 6,138 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Live in Luxury in this elegant colonial, walled & gated for exceptional privacy in prime Beverly Hills. Outstanding, redone with the utmost level of taste, this beautiful home has the perfect floor plan with great entertainment flow. Gorgeous kitchen with center island. Upstairs: huge master suite with spectacular terrace & fireplace completed by 3 more bedrooms with private baths. Romantic landscaped yard with pool, spa, lovely covered patio & terraces.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We're a little late to the rodeo on this one, puppies, but even though it's already been discussed by other celebrity gossip mongers besides Your Mama we want to weigh in and add a coda to the real estate story.

As many people get up into their fifties and sixties and their nests become empty but for their domestic staff and infrequent visits from grand children, they downsize. They sell off their big family homes with more bedrooms than they need, high maintenance yards, and too many ghosts of memories past. Not fashion honcho Max Azria. From the looks of things, not only are Mister Azria and his wifey/muse Lubov up sizing, they're going b.i.g.

Mister Azria is, of course, the man behind the eponymous fashion company BCBGMAXAZRIA. He also owns and is responsible for the resurgence of the wickedly tight, super strappy and uber body conscious Hervé Léger label that we often see spray painted onto the twig thin bodies of red carpet walkers. In the summer of 2009 Mister Azria also joined forces with ever-annoying teen singing sensation Miley Cyrus in order to work up a line of clothes for tween gals for–are y'all ready for this?–Wal-Mart. That's right, Wal-Mart, the ubiquitous emporium of all things inexpensive and downright cheap that has pretty much destroyed downtown communities the country over. Money talks butter beans, and Mister Azria, clearly a man with a bizness head as well as a fashion bent, knows that selling clothes at Wal-Mart is the next best thing for fattening his pocketbook to pushing mid-priced clothes on the QVC which is where, of course, the real money in middle brow fashion is.

Anhoo, in mid-September of 2009 Mister Azria listed a mansion on N. Rexford Street in a pretty prime section of the Beverly Hills flats with an asking price of $7,499,000. The price of the 6,138 square foot quasi-colonial has since been chopped to $6,899,000. Your Mama doesn't have any idee-uhr if Mister and Missus Azria actually occupied this house prior to it being put up for sale, but property records would indicate that the couple purchased the property way back in 1970 for just $125,000. Your Mama barely remembers yesterday so we certainly don't recall much about real estate prices in 1970, but we imagine that $125,000 was a lot of money to spend on a house at that time.

Listing information shows there are 5 bedrooms and 6 poopers on the property which is approached via a circular drive that leads to a gated motor court and a three car garage. The interior spaces have all been "redone with the utmost level of taste" according to listing information. There are several public areas including the one to the right of the stair hall that stretches from the front all the way to the back of the house where it opens to a covered brick patio in the backyard.

The kitchen, painted a dusty baby blue and open to what we think is a family room at the back of the house, has white cabinetry, a huge work island, marble counter tops, stainless steel appliances and the same chocolate colored wood floors as in the rest of the house. The children will note that there are actually (at least) three types of wood flooring in the house. In the living room the floors are parquet and probably original to the house which was built in 1923, in the dining room, family room and kitchen the floors are comprised of wood planks of various lengths and widths, and upstairs in the master bedroom the floors appear to be narrow but uniform width oak. All the wood floors have been stained the same deep chocolate color in an attempt to unify the spaces, but to be honest chickens, for six and some million clams Your Mama does not want to have to spend another 50 or 100 grand fixing that cacophony of wood floors in this house.

The master bedroom has a tray ceiling, a fireplace and quartet of French doors that open to a large terrace overlooking the backyard and swimming pool. Although Your Mama has not been in this house, it looks to our untrained eye that the master bedroom might include two large, custom fitted dressing rooms and dual bathrooms, one all did up with a beige-y grey onyx and the other done over with a more masculine chocolate brown marble.

The back yard is well shielded from the nearby neighbors by very tall hedges and in addition to the previously mentioned covered terrace there is also a pergola shaded terrace off the family room and a patterned brick pool surround for setting chaise lounges. Not pictured is a dark bottomed spa tucked away in a corner of the yard for romantic–or naughty–late night interludes in hot bubbling water.

Mister and Missus Azria own quite a bit of property around Los Angeles. Property records show that in January of 2006 they picked up two condos at The Wilshire Holmby building for a combined $1,000,000 and later in the year, in September, they closed on a 1.99 acre parcel of bare land above Bel Air–and overlooking Sherman Oaks–on the legendary and not particularly well cared for Mulholland Drive. More recently, property records also show that in August of 2009 the fashioneestuhs scooped up a 2,008 square foot house on La Peer Drive in the less desirable 90211 section of Beverly Hills.

However, Your Mama suspects that Mister and Missus Azria aren't packing their Louis Vuitton cases and moving into any of these modest properties because in early 2005 the couple were having some really big real estate dreams and splashed out the 2.83 acre Sunset Boo-lay-vard estate that once belonged to prolific, well compensated and Oscar winning writer Sidney Sheldon. Mister Sheldon, for those not edgumuhcayted on Hollywood history, created iconic boob-toob programs including The Patty Duke Show, I Dream of Jeannie and Hart to Hart before he started penning best selling beach reading novels like Master of the Game and The Other Side of Midnight.

Anyhoo, as best as we can tell from property records and previous reports, Mister and Missus Axzria picked up the Paul Williams designed Sidney Sheldon estate (above) in July of 2005 for a whopping $16,000,000. This was after it had been bought from the elderly Mister Sheldon and his May/December third wifey and then flipped just a few months later by a trust believed to be controlled by radio and tee-vee tycoon Carl Palmer Jr.

Property records show the Azria's new mansion measures in at a monstrous 18,806 square feet–or 18,760 depending on where one looks–with 12 bedrooms and an unlucky 13 bathrooms. However, listing information that Your Mama managed to tease out of the interweb shows the Azria's new digs sprawl across and even more beastly 22,000 square feet with 10 bedrooms and a nerve rattling 22 poopers. Twenty two damn terlits? In one house? Oh lo-ward have mercy children, somebody done lost their damn mind if they think there's anything even remotely reasonable about have 22 terlits in one house. It would probably suck up all the water in parched Los Angeles iffin all them things were flushed at the same time. Your Mama hopes Mister and Missus Azria have a good line to a fine domestic staffing agency because they're clearly going to need at least 2 minimum wage gurls who do nuthin' but scrub their 22 damn terlits. Maybe Miz Candy Spelling can send a few of her gurls over there once she moves out of her hotel-sized house on nearby S. Mapleton Drive and into her new Century City penthouse.

Mister and Missus Azria have spent the last few years giving their new estate an overhaul which appears to include freshening up the landscaping, altering the original White House like front portico into something boxier and more Greek Revival-ish as well as altering the roof line of the front facade so that Paul Williams' original dormer windows are no longer dormer windows at all. In addition to the hulking main house there is a mini-mansion sized guest house a tennis court, detached garaging and a swimming pool with adjacent pool house. The new property was christened La Maison de Soleil. That's 'The House of the Sun' for all y'all who don't par-lay the French.

Thanks to one of the children, we've learned that the interior spaces were photographed for the glossy pages of the June 2009 issue of Harper's Bazaar. According to the article accompanying the photographs, originally Missus Azria was going to tackle day-core but eventually the couple hired Los Angeles designer Aly Daly who put the interior spaces through her decorating ringer and transformed the 60 (or so) rooms of La Maison into whimsical, theatrical and colorfully capricious spaces that blur the line between completely out of control and rigorously restrained. The playfully astringent tenor of the day-core is set in the front entrance hall where a towering tube-like crystal chandelier hangs from the double height ceiling and spills dramatically over a chunky and earthy petrified wood table and pools on the ground like water. Other rooms of note include the sensationally silver leafed dining room, warmed by a fireplace with a mirrored Art Deco-ish fireplace surround and lit by a painfully expensive but utterly soo-blime Tord Boontje Blossom chandelier. Mister Azria's personal office pushes visual limits with a glowing, cushion shaped and gold leaf ceiling, a swoopy, multi-colored Paul Smith designed carpet, a radically bulbous red an white striped chair and ottoman–whose designer we can not readily name–and a big white pear sculpture-thing sitting next to one of the winter white sofas. Yes puppies, the Azria's day-core takes over the top to a whole new level, but Your Mama is, none-the-less, thrilled by and wallowing in the audacity and fearlessness of it all.

Mister and Missus Azria's new neighbors include the bitterly dee-vorcing and dagger throwing duo of Frank and Jamie McCourt who own the L.A. Dodgers, octogenarian Hugh Hefner and whatever barely legal gurlfriends he's living with now in the Playboy Mansion on Charing Cross Road, and the iconic Connie Stevens who lives across Sunset Boulevard in a big house over on Delfern Drive.

photos from Harper's Bazaar by Douglas Friedman

Sophia Loren Slept Here

2009-11-11T06:54:00.001-08:00

SELLERS: Edoardo Ponti and Sasha Alexander
LOCATION: Chelan Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,135,000
SIZE: 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Indoor/Outdoor living at its finest. Beautifully remodeled contemporary 4+4 home with perfect flow for entertaining w/ stainless steel appliances, open living room with Ledger stone fireplace. The master suite includes sitting area, fireplace and features pocket doors that completely open the room the the private pool/spa and expansive views of the canyon.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Okay babies, Your Mama confesses that we don't really know if Oscar winning Italian actress and international sex symbol Sophia Loren (Matrimonio all'italiana, La ciociara, Prêt-à-Porter) actually slept in this house in the Outpost Estates area of Los Angeles. What we do know is that the world's sexiest senior citizen's son Edoardo Ponti and his wifey, Sasha Alexander own the house in question and have recently listed it with a price tag of $2,135,000.

Signore Ponti is, of course, the thirty-something year old son of La Loren and legendary Academy Award winning Italian film producer Carlo Ponti (Doctor Zhivago, La Strada). Young Signore Ponti has followed in his papà's footsteps right into the big, bag movie bidness, writing and directing a few films including Between Strangers and another one called Italian Holiday which has yet to be released. Since 2007, Signore Ponti has be betrothed to actress Sasha Alexander who is perhaps best known for her boob-toob roles on the icky-sappy and thankfully erstwhile Dawson's Creek in the late 1990s and on Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service in the mid 2000s. More recently she has wound her way into films like Mission Impossible III, Yes Man, and He's Just Not That Into You.

Some previous reports and records show the property was purchased in 2004. However, that is not, according to our research, correct. Records Your Mama accessed show that Signore Ponti purchased the Chelan Drive domicile in January of 2006–or March depending on where Your Mama looks. The property records Your Mama accessed are vague on the purchase price but with a little assistance from our good buddy Babbling Babette we've managed to suss out a purchase price of $1,745,000. Listing information and public property records agree that there are four bedrooms and four poopers on the property, but when it comes to square footage, there seems to be some discrepancy. Listing information indicates the house measures 2,800 square feet while the tax man shows it covers 2,569 square feet.

Although there is a two car garage under the house and some sort of small, odd attachment on the roof that is accessed via a spiral stair on the pool deck–the Ponti/Alexander residence sits mostly on a single level. Listing information indicates the house was recently renovated but Your Mama happens to know it was not by the current owners. What the current owners are responsible for is the all beige all the time look look that begins with the front facade of beige stucco and beige stacked stone walls and accents. The children will not the amazing banana plants. Love, love, love those nanner plants.

Inside, the sufficiently sized living room has a very high wood ceiling, blond and glossy bamboo wood floors and a monolithic stacked stone wall which has a three sided fireplace at one end. A low, built in bench runs along the length of the stacked stone wall which also has a big black bas relief of the face of Buddha or some other eastern deity tacked up on it. Listing information indicates the fireplace is made of Ledger stone." As best as Your Mama can tell, that means it's a stone veneer hot glued onto a cement wall rather than an actual wall made of stacked stone. The floors switch to travertine in the dining room which has a vaulted wood ceiling, and huge floor to ceiling windows overlooking the back yard and the swimming pool. Although we think the dining room would benefit greatly from some kind of color–say, and an area rug with a deep eggplant colored base–but otherwise we're sorta digging the mixing matchy of the chunky farm table with the antique Louis the Something cane backed chairs and the uber-elaborate, glammy, gilded and–we're gonna say it–gaudy Italian looking mirror with its warts, gew-gaws and gilding mixed with the smooth planes of the banana leaves sticking up all manly-like out of the vase on the table.

The monolithic, stacked stone veneer wall and three sided fireplace that starts in the living room wraps around into the kitchen which is blessed with a wonderfully vaulted wood beamed ceiling and sky lights. The smallish but gore-may kitchen set up has more of the beige travertine floors as in the dining room, honey colored cabinetry, beige and brow flecked granite counter tops and some uppity stainless steel appliances that probably combined cost more than middle class people earn in a damn year.

The honey colored wood floors in the living room continue into the master bedroom which according to listing information has it's own sitting area and fireplace as well as a vaulted wood ceiling and an entire wall of windows that slide open and over look the swimming pool. While we do love this bedroom as covered porch sort of thing, we'd never leave it open unattended because fraidy cats that Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter are, we'd be awfully concerned with coyotes comin' 'round and slipping up onto the bed for a nice soft place to sleep. Don't laugh chickens, just days ago Your Mama watched a kie-ote titter down the street right in front of our damn house probably looking for dinner and a quiet place to sleep. Anyhoo, the master bathroom is slathered in beige travertine and offers a double vanity with dog bowl sinks, a couple of skylights and windows for light and, uh, ventilation, and a jetted tub/shower combination that shares the through the wall fireplace in the sitting area of the master bedroom.

The backyard of the Ponti/Alexander residence is small, as is expected in these hillside homes and includes a rectangular pool with rounded corners and in-ground spa surrounded by a terrace too slim to do the downward facing dog or put a damn chaise lounge for sunbathing in the newd. If Your Mama is being honest, and we always are, we'd have made the this swimming pool plunge-sized in order to gain a few more square feet of terrace so that we would not have to worry about rounding the corner of the house and falling into the damn pool after a pitcher or two of late afternoon gin and tonics. Around the corner from the pool and up a few steps is a larger courtyard/patio/terrace like space with a built in firepit.

For what it is worth, the house that sexy and balloon breasted actress Salma Hayak called home before she got knocked up by her billionaire baby daddy Francois-Henri Pinault and moved into a behemoth of a mansion on Bel Air Road in Bel Air is just around the corner. As far as we can tell, Missus Pinault still owns the property.

UPDATE: A-Rod

2009-11-10T06:51:00.000-08:00

Last October, Your Mama discussed the Coral Gables Crib of professional baseballer Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez who–at that time–had dumped his wifey Cynthia and taken up with the man-armed and man-eating force of nature known as Madonna Louise Ciccone Penn Ritchie. Since then the Kabbalah Kween has moved on to a Brazilian born male model named Jesus–that's hay-soos, puppies, not gee-zuss–who is sta-acked and about half her damn age, and A-Rod has turned his ladee lovin' attentions to Kate Hudson, another famous man eater who has had at least four boyfriends and two additional flings since splitting from her Black Crows ex-huzband Chris Robinson in 2007.

Mister Rodriguez and Miz Gets Around Hudson seem to have gotten very serious very fast. In fact, they were reported to be house hunting in Pacific Palisades and Malee-boo in late September and in early October the love birds were seen shopping around for new digs in New York City. Lo-ward have mercy. Your Mama just hopes neither of these two are foolish enough to start shacking up together after five months of dating and doing it because–let's be honest children–this story of celebrity love and high profile romance has star crossed lovers painted all over it.

Anyhoo, let's get back to the real estate. Mister Rodriguez, whose team recently won the World Series which really ain't the world series since only team from the U-nited States get to play in it, has also gotten serious about selling his one time happy home in Florida. At the end of October of 2008, the 8,310 square foot water front Mediterranean was listed with an asking price of $14,876,000. Since then, the price tag has plummeted to $9,999,999. As if that nearly five million clam cut doesn't sting quite enough, keep in mind that Mister and Missus ex-A-Rod paid $12,000,000 big ones for the 6 bedroom and 8 terlit mansion on E. Sunrise Avenue back in December of 2004. Oh, ouch. That's gotta hurt the financial pride even if you are A-Rod and bringing home bazillions of dollars every year for swinging a wood stick and catching balls in a leather glove.

Not only has price been chopped, thanks to Lipsmacking Leonard we've also learned that A-Rod has put the property up for auction on the BillionaireXchange with no minimum bid suggested. No minimum bid? Pleeze. Your Mama is not saying Mister A-Rod is getting desperate to sell his Floridian white elephant but it certainly looks like he's had a real estate reality check and realized that he's going to lose several if not many millions of dollars. All the price of celebrity dee-vorce chickens, all the price of celebrity dee-vorce.

As far as we know, Mister A-Rod spends a small fortune leasing an apartment at the over-hyped and insanely high priced 15 Central Park West building in New York City. Miz Gets Around Hudson owns a home in Pacific Palisades, CA where she's lived ever since being married to that Black Crows fellow and she recently vacated–or is soon to vacate–the King Street townhouse she's been leasing in downtown Manhattan.

Talent Manager Jeff Kwatinetz Lists Malibu Manse

2009-11-09T06:48:00.001-08:00

SELLER: Jeff Kwatinetz
LOCATION: Pacific Coast Highway, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $7,299,000
SIZE: 3,896 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Gorgeous Tri-level Contemporary with 30 ft on the sand of Topanga Beach. Perfect location very close to the City. Expansive decks off every level with commanding panoramic views from Palos Verdes to Pt. Dume. Huge gourmet eat-in kitch with center isle that flows into the Great Room with walls of glass and a large deck, just steps to the beach, Unbelievable master suite you won't want to leave. 2 additonal view bdrms plus office. Gated secure grounds with off highway parking and a 2 car garage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: With summer days waning and the too low in the damn sky winter sun blasting blinding bullets of sunshine at our tender retinas, Your Mama thought it might be fun to head on out to Malee-boo and see what we could see. There are, natch, a hundred rich people trying to sell their lavishly expensive ocean front homes, but the one we're gonna discuss today belongs to Tinseltown power player Jeff Kwatinetz who recently listed his house with an asking price of $7,299,000.

Mister Kwatinetz is known in some gossip glossy reading circles as actress Brittany Murphy's ex-lover and fiancé. In other circles, among the celebrity king makers and film producers who crowd the lunchtime tables at Barney Greengrass and Craft, the Harvard educated attorney is the sometimes controversial co-founder and former CEO of The Firm, a talent management that once claimed clients like Marty Scorsese, Leonardo DiCaprio, Cameron Diaz, Justin Timberlake, Benicio Del Toro, Natalie Portman, Orlando Bloom, Freddie Prinze Jr., the Dixie Chicks and Clay Aiken, just to name a few. In 2005, The Firm began to bleed principal players who took their a-list artists with them and in late 2008, Mister Kwatinetz too left the company he started. He quickly founded another artist management/record company called Prospect Park that manages a less lustrous stable of clients that include Backstreet Boys, Korn, Like a Storm, 311, Jane's Addiction, Ice Cube and R. Kelley. According to the IMDB, Mister Kwatinetz currently executive produces a tee-vee show called Royal Pains, which Your Mama has never seen nor heard of.

Property records show that Mister Kwatinetz bought his oceanfront manse in Malee-boo in June of 2006 for $5,950,059. According to property records and listing information, the walled and gated three story contemporary with rounded corners measures 3,896 square feet and includes 4 bedrooms–one of which is currently being used as an office–and 3.5 poopers. The house sits just north of Santa Monica on Topanga Beach which is an excellent location iffin you prefer not to deal with too much of the wall to wall traffic that frequently clogs up the Pacific Coast Highway from Pacific Palisades to Point Dume.

The drive gates open to a grassy motor court with a few palm trees and cacti, two off-highway parking spots and two additional parking spots in the garage. The courtyard entrance gives way to the entrance hall where stairs lead one flight up to what listing information calls a "great room," comprised of the living and dining areas and a commodious kitchen. Listen chickens, Your Mama knows we're prolly gonna be outnumbered here by real estate people and builders and people with families, but we loathe the term "great room." We're not entirely sure why, but it might have something to do with the–quite possibly incorrect–notion that the term came into wide usage by developers of seemingly infinite numbers of architecturally uninspired tract homes who gave streets dee-pressing and deeply disturbing names like Grassy Knob. Believe it or not children, that is indeed the name of a very real street in Bakersfield, CA where every third faux-Mediterranean looks exactly the same with the exact same floor plan that prominently features a "great room." But we digress...

The living/dining area appears to have stone floors of some sort–which would be amazing if they have radiant heating, not so much if they don't–as well as a fireplace with a flat screen mounted above it and a wall of floor to ceiling windows that open to of the three terraces that project from the back of the house, hang over the surf below and provide exquisitely long views up and down the coast from Palos Verdes to Point Dume. The large, cook friendly kitchen is open to the dining area and has white cabinetry with dark, possibly granite counter tops, the expected suite of high-grade stainless steel appliances, a large work island and an even larger window over the sink where one can wash dishes and simultaneous watch the cars whiz by, or more likely sit in a traffic jam on the Pacific Coast Highway.

The rather large master bedroom spans the entire width of the house and opens through a wall of floor to ceiling glass to a terrace that practically hangs over the beach. Mister Kwatinetz and his team of nice, gay decorators have continued the sophisticated and pale palette of white and beige with dark wood accents from the living area into the bedroom.

Your Mama thinks, but does not know for sure because we don't rally know a floor lamp from a bowl of cereal, that the long, narrow pooper pictured is the guest terlit with stone floor, stone counter top and a big of picture of some man eyeballing the people in there doing their dirty bizness. Ordinarily Your Mama does not care for the decorative artifice of table lamps on kitchen and/or bathroom counters. This bulbous table lamp, however, seems to work in the guest terlit if only because of the rather long length of the counter and the pale, pale, pale powder blue base blends perfectly with the barely there palette of white and putty.

Said white and putty palette in the powder pooper has also been applied by Mister Kwatinetz and his team of nice gay decorators to the rest of the house. Ordinarily Your Mama furrows our brow and balks big time at all beige/white/putty day-core. But children, what's fair is fair and we have to admit that despite the ridiculous exterior massing, Mister Kwatinetz's beach house day-core is thoughtful, well considered and–yes–very nicely done. Not only do we find stiff, modern shapes (i.e. the white sectional sofa) well mixed with warm and organic pieces (i.e. the dining room table) there is a very, very subtle use of color (i.e. a rusty red in the bedroom and powder blue in the bathroom) that perfectly compliments, balances and sets off the bee-yoo-tee-full blue of the ocean which is, if you think about it, the most dominant element in the house. It is Your Mama's humble and entirely meaningless opinion that the house was successfully furnished, and a serene palette properly picked, in conscious juxtaposition of the constant tumult of the very blue of the ocean that becomes white as it crashed onto the shoreline. Does that make sense to anyone besides Your Mama?

On the ocean side of the residence, a trio of identically sized and shaped balconies stack one on top of the other and have the sort of views people regularly pay many millions of dollars for in Malee-boo. We're sure some of you will whine and moan about how close together the houses that line the Pacific Ocean in Malee-boo are, but that don't really matter because there are many more who are more than willing to spend a good sized fortune to be able to sits staring at the Pacific while also being able to watch their neighbor barbecue hot dots. A shorts set of stairs tacked on to the bulkhead leads down to the 30 feet of "beach" out back that, unfortunately, is all kinds of rocky in this part of the Boo and has just a sliver of sand even even at low tide.

A peep and a poke around property records would indicate that this is the only house in Los Angeles that Mister Kwatinetz currently owns. He did have a house on Beverly Grove Place in the Bev Hills that he sold in 2003 for $2,750,000 to music mogul Damon Dash who in turn sold it in 2007 for $3,600,000. That said, it would not surprise Your Mama to learn that Mister Kwatinetz also maintains an in-town home or condo for those times he doesn't feel like schlepping out to Malee-boo after a long night of wining and dining celebrities.

UPDATE: Anderson Cooper

2009-11-06T12:50:00.000-08:00

Okay lambs, yesterday Your Mama discussed and dissected the raging rumor racing through that gay streets of New York City that hunky and virtually hairless CNN news anchor Anderson Cooper had gone and bought himself a damn firehouse on West 3rd Street. Property records show that the old Fire Patrol House No. 2 was sold in early September of 2009 for $4,300,000.

Most of the rumors–including the ones repeated by Your Mama–have included some kind of speculation and scuttlebutt about Mister Cooper's possible plans to share the very butch four and some story building with man-friend Ben Maisani, a muscular piece of man candy who co-owns a down and duurr-tee East Village gay bar called Eastern Bloc.

Well chickens, today we received a covert communique from a ladee we'll call Lehteeseeuh Littlebird, a well connected informant who has provided Your Mama with juicy–and accurate–information in the past regarding the real estate doings of celebs. Lehteeseeuh, always so thoughtful and articulate, tweet, tweet, tweeted in Your Mama's ear that our Mister Cooper has in fact shown certain persons photos of the firehouse in question and declared his intention to sell his midtown penthouse apartment on West 38th Street and live in said firehouse downtown. Who Mister Cooper might live with, or not live with, remains a mystery which we imagine is just about how he likes it.

Take that for what you will children, but you should know that lovely Lehteeseeuh has never steered Your Mama down a dead end street nor given us any reason to doubt the veracity of her whispered words.

Rumor Has It, But...

2009-11-06T09:57:00.000-08:00

There are rumors beginning to circulate that the world's most famous celebrity Scientologist Tom Cruise has coughed up a booty clenching $18,000,000 for a locally famous house in San Francisco's fearsomely foggy but dramatically gorgeous Sea Cliff neighborhood. It seems this bit of implausible property gossip got started early this morning when the fine folks at the fa-boo San Francisco centric Socketsite reported that one of their readers tipped them off to this bizarre bit of alleged celebrity real estate bizness.

Does Your Mama even need to tell the children we are all kinds of skeptical? Tom Cruise. San Francisco? We'll leave the snarky and sassy jabs and jokes for the children on this one. Don't misunderstand butter beans, Your Mama left our heart and some other things in San Francisco about a hundred years ago and we still love that city by the bay. But Tom Cruise browsing the aisles at Cliff's Variety on Castro? Pleeze.

Your Mama suspects the buyer is someone else entirely, someone with deep roots in San Francisco and the Bay Area. See if you can follow along chickens...

In March of 2000, Joan Waitt–the wife of tech tycoon Ted Waitt who founded a little company called Gateway–paid $13,100,000 for a mansion on swank Sea Cliff Avenue known as the Captain's House. Her intentions were to merge it with the property she owned next door thus creating an expansive and uber-expensive cliff top compound. Like so many real estate fickle rich people, Missus Tech Tycoon changed her damn mind and hoisted the brick built beast back on the market in 2003 with an asking price of $23,500,000 where is languished without a price reduction for three long, long, loooong years. Eight million smackers in renovations–which unfortunately included covering the original beautiful brick with beige stucco–and 7 years later the price tag jumped to $25,900,000. It was later dropped to $22,000,000.

Jump forward to September of 2009 when property records show the 9,436 square foot mansion with 5 bedrooms and 6 poopers was fie-nuh-lee sold for $18,000,000. If the reported numbers are correct, a few flicks of the beads on our bejeweled abacus shows Missus Tech Tycoon lost several million big ones between the purchase price, renovations and carrying costs.

Being powerful wary of this rather wacky real estate rumor that the buyer is Tom "Jumps On Oprah's Couches to Profess His Undying Love for Katie Holmes" Cruise, Your Mama had a long peep and a poke around the property records. We didn't find Tom or Kate's names, natch. What we did find is that the buyer is listed as Tawaraya, LLC. A few more minutes clicking and clacking on the keyboard of our trusty laptop and we discovered that Tawaraya is a super posh and searingly expensive, 300-year old ryokan–which is essentially a Japanese bed and breakfast sort of place–located in Kyoto. That's Japan, babies.

A few more minutes with our fingers flying and we figure out that this Tawaraya, LLC links back to Howson & Simon CPAs, a super exclusive booteek accounting firm in Walnut Creek, CA that–according to FinancialBrowsers.com–caters to "a small number of ultra high net worth individuals." One of those ultra high net worth individuals who lists Howson & Simon's address on SEC filings–dated March of 2008–that Your Mama dug up on the interweb is none other than billionaire biznessman Larry Ellison. We can't say with any authority that the buyer is Larry Ellison because we imagine there are at least several other wildly rich people in the Bay Area who use Howson & Simon's services who might be inclined to spend eighteen million smackers on a house. However, it sort of makes sense when considering that Mister Ellison is a prolific collector of posh properties and that his sprawling estate in Woodside, CA is, for all intents and purposes, all done up and worked over like a ryokan. Your Mama would not stake the lives of our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly on it but we would also not be at all surprised to learn that the buyer is not Tom Cruise but rather Larry Ellison.

Anyhoo, moving on and for anyone who might care, Sea Cliff is the same neighborhood that wonderfully wacky Sharon Stone called home when she was married to newspaperman Phil Bronstein and where the not so wonderfully wacky Robin Williams–sorry kids, Your Mama finds him a mite creepy–currently owns a mansion on El Camino Del Mar.

Lachlan Murdoch Sets Real Estate Record for 2009 in Sydney

2009-11-06T06:41:00.000-08:00

BUYER: Lachlan Murdoch
LOCATION: Victoria Road, Bellevue Hill, Sydney, Australia
PRICE: $23,000,000 AUS
SIZE: 6 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: 'Le Manior' – Grand Georgian estate – Approx 4097 sqm of land with panoramic views. Under instructions from the Government of the French Republic. Occupying one of Bellevue Hill's most breathtaking parcels of land, this magnificent residence commands panoramic views from Sydney Harbour to the Pacific Ocean.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: All the celebrity real estate watchers Down Under are vibrating with excitement over the news that multi-media scion Lachlan Murdoch and his Aussie model/actress wifey Sarah O'Hare have splashed out a whopping $23,000,000 for a mansion in the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney. That's $20,895,960 US at today's rates according to our bejewled abacus.

The mansion, called Le Manoir, was sold at auction by the French Government who used the Bellevue Hill estate as their consulate. The chunky, Georgian style mansion occupies a flag lot that listing information states spans 4,097 square meters. A few clicks and clacks on our conversion contraption reveals that is just a hair over an acre for all us old fashioned types still not working on the metric system.

Since listing information nor any of the many previous reports sent to us by a number of the children Down Under reveal the actual size of the house, we're going to say that based on the scale and and extensive mill work displayed in the studio apartment sized reception hall, it's gigantic. Listing information does, however, indicate that there are 6 bedooms and 5 bathrooms and a powder pooper for the guests. Additionally there are several living and sitting rooms, 2 studies, a commercial sized kitchen, large laundry facilities, multiple store rooms and fireplaces and some of the most bee-yoo-tee-ful wood floors Your Mama has seen in a long time.

The grounds look a bit ratty and tatty to Your Mama's eagle eyeballs, but according to listing information there is a long driveway leading to a large motor court and three car garage, there are terraced gardens, flat lawns, sunny terraces with views of Sydney Harbour and the Pacific Ocean, a swimming pool and a sunken grass tennis court.

Some reports say that Mister and Missus Murdoch outbid surly Oscar winning actor Russell Crowe and his wifey Danielle Spencer as well as Nicole Kidman and her man-mate Keith Urban. However, one of Your Mama's Aussie children tells us that Miz Kidman's name is tossed into the press with just about every high priced and high profile sale in Sydney so take that information with a grain of salt.

This not the first time Mister Murdoch and Crowe's real estate lives have intersected. Mister Murdoch once owned a house called Berthong in super swank Elizabeth Bay that he sold for $9,200,000 AUS to none other than Mister Crowe who subsequently sold it for $12,000,000 AUS in order to move into a $14,000,000 AUS penthouse at Sydney's tongue twisting Woolloomooloo Finger Wharf. Oh the tangle real estate webs celebrities weave.

Mister Murdoch, who resigned his post at his father's media empire several years ago but retained a seat on the board, made property news stateside when he bought an entire building at 11 Spring Street in New York City which is now known as The Candle Building. Murdoch's plans were to convert the graffiti covered 19th-century carriage house into a gargantuan, seven story single family residence but his grandiose real estate plans were thwarted when his father sent him Down Under. Mister Murdoch sold the building in September of 2006 for $12,000,000 to a 20-something year old real estate heiress named Caroline Cummings who cleaned and restored the exterior architecture and chopped up the 12,128 square feet of interior space into three high style condominiums–a simplex and two triplexes–with heated floors in the bathrooms and white glass back splashes in the kitchens. In September of 2008, renovations complete, Miss Cummings listed the entire building with a get rich quick asking price of $39,800,000. A month later she listed the individual apartments. As time went by and no one bought the building or any of the condos, the asking prices were steadily reduced leaving the latest and perhaps last price tag for the entire building at $26,000,000. According to StreetEasy, the entire building went into contract on the 31st of October so good for Miss Cummings.

But we digress...Mister Murdoch's twenty three million dollar purchase price sets the record for the highest price paid for a private property in Australia in 2009. The previous record was set by media mogul and gambling magnate James Packer who laid out $18,000,000 AUS for a property in the Eastern Suburb of Vaucluse earlier in the year. Perhaps not surprisingly, Misters Murdoch and Packer are in business together. Birds of a feather and all that.

Michael Bay Buys in Bel Air

2009-11-05T09:37:00.000-08:00

BUYER: Michael Bay
LOCATION: Bel Air Road, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $10,900,000
SIZE: 3 parcels, 4.93 acres, 6,067 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms.
DESCRIPTION: Rare opportunity to purchase over 4.9 acres on 3 parcels in prime lower Bel Air with existing 1 story house and ample usable land. Main residence has spacious entertaining rms overlooking spectacular city & cyn views and includes 2 bedroom suites and maids. There are three additional detached structures for staff totaling 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. Private grounds with pool & championship sunken tennis court. The possibilities are endless to maintain, build up or build a new estate altogether.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Late last night, just before Your Mama was fixin' to slather our face with cold cream and put our lotion gloves on in preparation for bed, we received a brief covert communique from an anonymous source whom we'll call Natalie Noname. According to Ms. Noname, producer/director Michael Bay recently bought a house on Bel Air Road that he is in the process of knocking down so that he can build something new, bigger, better or whatever.

Chisel chinned Mister Bay got his start in Tinseltown directing commercials and music videos for folks like Meat Loaf, Wilson Phillips and Donny Osmond. He busted into the film world in the mid-1990s with two hugely successful action flicks, Bad Boys and The Rock and has gone on to become –for better or worse–the man responsible for producing such cinematic gems as Pearl Harbor, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Hitcher, The Unborn and, of course, the wildly successful money minting movies that are the Transformers franchise.

Property records do indeed confirm at least part of what Natalie Noname told us which is that Mister Bay forked over $10,900,000 for a 4.93 acre, 3-parcel property on super swank lower Bel Air Road. What Your Mama does not know, of course, is what Mister Bay's destruction and construction plans might be although Ms. Noname told us that at least some portion of the car port at the front of the property has already been razed to make way for some heavy equipment.

As best as we can tell, the property was listed with a much higher asking price of $18,250,000 and was purchased from the estate of big time philanthropist and recently deceased gal about Los Angeles Marion Jorgensen.

A little Hollywood meets real estate history lesson here: Ms. Jorgensen, born rich, was married to producer Milton Bren (Topper, There Goes My Heart, Wyoming, Barnacle Bill and etc.) way back in the golden days of early Hollywood. Marion and Milton went splitsville in the mid 1940s but not before they produced two sons, one of whom is Donald Bren, the multi-billionaire real estate mogul and sole owner of the Irvine Company whose primary holding is the 93,000 acre Irvine Ranch which encompasses more than 20% of all the land in Orange County, CA. Mister Bren went on to marry the "Queen of Film Noir," Oscar winning actress Claire Trevor (Dead End, Key Largo, The High and the Mighty and etc.), and ex-Missus Bren went on to become Missus Jorgensen in 1953 when she married steel magnate Earle Jorgensen who was a member of Ronald Reagan's White House kitchen cabinet, a group of unofficial but influential advisors to the president. But we digress...

Mister Bay's new property sits on its own promontory with sweeping views of Los Angeles. The current house, a sprawling single story contemporary built in 1951, wraps around a vast motor court accessed through two electronically controlled gates. According to listing information, the main house measures 6,067 square feet and includes two bedrooms, 2.5 poopers, plus a staff suite with private pooper. There are, according to listing information, three additional detached structures which contain 4 more bedrooms and 4 more poopers for staff bringing the total count to 7 bedrooms and 7.5 bathrooms.

The front facade of the main house and accessory buildings surround a vast motor court on three sides and at the back, the house wraps around a terrace with an in-ground, free form swimming pool. There are well tended but somewhat old fashioned gardens an a properly oriented sunken tennis court. However, if what Ms. Noname says is true and Mister Bay is planning to tear the house down, the details of the house and landscaping matter little since they'll soon enough be replaced with something Herculean that is a tangible expression of his ego and more suitable to his own real estate tastes.

Mister Bay's new neighbors will include Salma Hayak and her wildly rich French biznessman husband Henri Pinault who live in one of Kelsey Grammar's many former homes, the decrepit but but still dee-voon Dame Elizabeth Taylor, Kirk Kekorian's first ex-wife Jean, billionaire media mogul Gerald Perenchio, swimsuit model turned ack-tress Cheryl Tiegs, and soft porn purveyor Joe Francis, just to name a few.

Curiously, Mister Bay already owns two other properties in Los Angeles. Property records reveal that in April of 1999 he paid $5,160,000 for a big house on Stradella Road in Bel Air and in November of 2005 he scooped up a 3 bedroom and 4 pooper property on Chalon Road in Brentwood. Mister Bay also owns 17,339 square foot mansion on N. Bay Road in Miami, FL that he bought from Hulk Hogan in August of 2007 for $17,000,000 and, apparently having had a real estate change of heart, quickly flipped it back on the market. The 11 bedroom and 11.5 pooper waterfront extravaganza remains on the market with an asking price of $18,900,000.

Did Anderson Cooper Find New Pole To Slide Down?

2009-11-04T13:29:00.000-08:00

Hang on to your britches children because the gay gossip mills are beginning to gush and grind about increasingly muscular CNN news anchor Anderson Cooper and his muscle Mary man-friend Antoine "Ben" Maisani snatching up a very butch firehouse on West Third Street in New York City's Greenwich Village.

These roiling real estate rumors of Misters Cooper and Maisani–who recently vacationed together in India where they holed up at the insanely expensive Rambagh Palace in Jaipur–purchasing Fire Patrol House #2 seems to have first found legs a few days ago on the New York City-centric gossip site Gawker. A little digging around on the interweb and Your Mama located an old New York Times listing for the firehouse cum alleged love nest which the Gawker folks referenced in their fun little expose about the sometimes mustachioed Mister Maisani, a co-owner of a naughty East Village gay bar called Eastern Bloc who, apparently, does not always feel compelled to wear a shirt when he goes to work.

Listing information for the four and some story firehouse shows it was listed at $4,750,000, measures a considerable 8,420 square feet, and still has its original brass poles, circular stairs, a herringbone brick floor and a two-story detached building that was once used as a stable. Further investigation turns up property record information that reveals the firehouse was sold in early September of 2009 for $4,300,000. The buyer(s)–listed only as Firepatrol, LLC c/o of a well known celebrity money manager whose name appears on deeds for folks like Lisa Loeb, Ethan Hawke and Jennifer Connelly and Paul Bettany–are not named in the deeds and documents.

Keep in mind children, all this firehouse bizness is just rumor and gossip until someone snaps a photo of Misters Cooper and Maisani moving their mountain bikes, matching Fred Perry polos, and Soloflex machines into the building. Until then, Your Mama presumes that Mister Cooper, who reportedly rakes in $4,000,000 a year from CNN, will continue to bed down in his architect designed doo-plex penthouse on New York's West 38th Street and Mister Maisani will head home his own apartment which as best as we can tell is on E. 3rd Street, which happens to be very near where Your Mama used to live a lifetime ago.

Reggie Bush Lists Party Pad in Los Angeles

2009-11-04T07:19:00.001-08:00

SELLER: Reggie Bush
LOCATION: Viewsite Terrace, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $5,099,000
SIZE: 4,831 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Explosive 360 degree jet liner views set the stage for this urban oasis. The ultimate in LA lifestyle &perfect for a celebrity, this 4 bed 5.5 bath masterpiece is sited at the end of a prime sunset strip cul-de-sac. The Incredible sexy master suite is on its own floor with his and her bathrooms, and a closet fit for a king. Elevator, 4 outdoor plasma TVs, glass pocket doors, plush state of the art Movie Theater & smart home technology is only the beginning of this 4831sf entertainers paradise.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A few weeks ago we discussed the Tinseltown condo that Kim "Big Booty" Kardashian hoisted on the market with an asking price of $1,099,000 and two days ago we discovered that her professional pigskinner man-friend Reggie Bush has also listed his Los Angeles residence with an obviously similar but much higher asking price of $5,099,000. Not surprisingly, the two properties are listed by the same real estate agent from Hilton and Hyland, the high-toned brokerage owned by Paris Hilton's father that employs folks like Coley Lafoon–otherwise known as ex-Mister Anne Heche–and Million Dollar Listing's hairtastic Chad Rogers.

As the children well know, Your Mama does not know–nor care to know–a football from a hockey stick. So we had to consult our ball crazy friend Fiona Trambeau to school us on what is what and who is who with this Reggie Bush. The first thing Fiona did was scold Your Mama for our athletic ignorance then she told us that young Mister Bush won himself a prestigious Heisman Trophy in 2005 while footballing at USC. He was, according to Fiona, drafted in 2006 by the New Orleans Saints where he makes serious cheddar working as a running back–whatever that is–and he also rakes in many millions more each year from lucrative endorsement deals.

Mister Bush and Miss Big Booty began dating back in 2007, which would have been shortly after her amateur porn moment with former lover Ray J., just before she bared her boobs and hairless beaver on the glossy pages of Playboy and about the same time her family's utterly banal but perplexingly successful reality program Keeping Up With the Kardashians began airing. What a career our Miss Big Booty has, what a career indeed. Apparently, unbeknownst to Your Mama, Mister Bush and Miss Big Booty busted up in July of 2009. However, according to a "source close to the couple" who squealed like a pig to the people at People, the lovebirds recently reconciled after taking "a few months apart getting their priorities together and figuring out who they were as individuals so they can make it work together." Oh, lo-ward have mercy, pleeze. Do people really do that, "figure out who they were as individuals?" What does that even mean? It sounds like something a pr flak floating a story to the tabs would say. We suspect there was much more to that story than these two finding themselves but, frankly, Your Mama does care any other relationship drama there might have been between these two.

What we do care about is their real estate activities, so let's get back to the bidness at hand. Property records and previous reports reveal 24-year old Mister Bush bought his big house back in December of 2006. Records also show the impressively muscled man spent $4,700,000 on the 4 bedroom and 5.5 pooper property located on Viewsite Terrace above curvy swervy and dangerous to drive Sunset Plaza Drive in the Hollywood Hills. The tax man's records show the three story residence measures 3,837 square feet and has 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms while listing information pegs it at a larger 4,831 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms. We're not sure why the discrepancies. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Since stumbling across the listing on the MLS, Your Mama has heard from several of our informants who had nothing but saucy, sassy and sharp tongued things to say about Mister Bush's party pad. Junebug called it "campy" and went all wild-eyed with flabbergast over the red-suede elevator carriage that has Mister Bush's initials stitched in gold colored thread on the back wall. Now that children, is klassy with a "k" if Your Mama ever saw it. Karla Worthington, another informant with intimate knowledge of all things real estate in the Sunset Plaza area, sniped to Your Mama that Mister Bush's day-core screams "high ghetto." Your Mama recognizes that is a viciously snide not to mention decidedly un-p.c. thing to say about Mister Bush's taste in furniture and decorative accouterments, but we can well understand how those zebra print wing back chairs with short silver leafed feet in the living room could provoke strong emotions in the decoratively sensitive. If we're being nice, which we sometimes are, Your Mama would say the day-core smacks of a self-consciously pseudo-sexy high-roller suite at a mid-range Las Vegas hotel that would like to expand their clientele to wildly rich young people easily impressed with shiny objects, nightclub lighting and plasma tee-vees. Oh dear, that wasn't very nice, was it?

Anyhoo, according to Junebug–who has been inside this house–the front door opens directly into the living room area–meaning no entry way whatsoever–where one is immediately confronted by those eyeball punishing zebra print wing back chairs with the short silver leaf legs that have been paired with a chunky mirrored cube coffee table, a silver leaf chest of drawers with a plasma tee-vee mounted on the wall behind it, a tufted white leather sofa, and a nappy looking white shag area rug. The cramped looking living room area has double height ceilings, a corner fireplace–on top of which sits Mister Bush's Heisman Trophy–and opens directly onto the back yard through paneless wood framed French doors.

The dining room also opens to the back yard, has a large glassy chandelier that looks like something straight out of a Holiday Inn banquet room, and flows into the over-processed kitchen outfitted with grey cabinetry, a myriad of stainless steel appliances including side by side fridge and freezer–which we like– and a work island with a semi-circular breakfast bar where four bongo drum shaped bar stools sit on top of a red, rainbow shaped rug. Seriously folks, this mess is almost beyond words. Also on the lowest level, according to Junebug, is the black and red velvet theater room about which we do not have the energy to muster a comment.

The second floor has a glass floored mezzanine area over the living room–which could be a bit pornographic for any ladees or drag queens standing up there in a dress–and two bedrooms with private poopers. We do not even want to know what "fun" Mister Bush and Miss Big Booty have had with this glass floor. Seriously, don't go there children, it's nothing but ugly. The master suite, according to listing information, occupies the entire top floor and includes a somewhat triangular bedroom and sitting area with a fireplace, his and her poopers, a gigantic custom fitted walk in closet/dressing room and walls of glass that glide open to a wrap around terrace with gorgeous and glittery views of the carpet of lights that is LaLa Land below. One side of the master bedroom opens to a large deck that floats over the city and where, not surprisingly, Mister Bush installed a pool table and a wall mounted plasma tee-vee.

The petite but flat back yard consists of a pill shaped swimming pool and spa with flagstone coping sunk into a patch of grass surrounded by a deck that hovers over the hillside (and the house below). A fire pit has been sunk into the deck, there is a built in barbecue center, and three plasma tee-vees have been mounted on the back wall of the house. Honestly. This is the sort of backyard about which some people would probably use the word party as a verb as in, "Let's party over at Reggie's place." Listen by little butter beans, as far as Your Mama is concerned the word party is a noun or an adjective and not a verb regardless of the dictionary claiming it can be used informally as a verb. Three plasmas mounted on an exterior wall seems like exactly the same thing as using the word party as a verb. Are y'all feeling what we're getting at?

Fortunately Mister Bush is not selling his crib furnished because this very well may be a case where one must sift through the shit to find a diamond. The house is clearly not without its drawbacks and shortcomings such as the lack of a proper entry and that vulgar glass floor mezzanine bizness, but the location is convenient iffin you can stomach Sunset Plaza Drive after a few cocktails, the views are simply outrageous, the pooper to bedroom ratio is lovely, and it's a total bonus to get this much flat space for a backyard in the hills above Sunset Boulevard.

As we mentioned during our discussion of Miss Big Booty's condo in early October, we haven't a clue why she and Mister Bush have both decided to list their homes at precisely the same time. We suspect that it is not a coincidence but, of course, Your Mama does not know a thing about their future real estate plans. Perhaps they're looking for a family friendly house in Calabasas? Or maybe they're considering packing up and moving to New Orleans? Who knows. Whatever they're going to do, we would not be at all surprised to see it all aired on some tawdry and terrible reality television program just like the uninspiring lives of all the other "K" named Kardashian ladees–namely Kourtney and Khloe–that currently infect the boob-toob.

UPDATE: Since Your Mama discussed Mister Bush's baller of a house, multiple reports have surfaced that quote an unnamed source who told the people at People that, "After they got back together they were both looking for new places and decided to take the next step in their relationship."

DJ AM's Beverly Hills House Hits the Market

2009-11-03T05:55:00.000-08:00

SELLER: DJ AM
LOCATION: Anthony Place, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $3,795,000
SIZE: 3,375 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Private and gated mid-century located on a cul-de-sac street with canyon and city views, rich mahogany floors, custom built-in theater, Crestron system and flat screen TV's throughout, two-sided fireplace, office, large kitchen with stainless steel appliances and carrerra marble countertops, four bedrooms and 4 and one-half baths, open floor plan looks out to lushly landscaped backyard with pool and spa.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: It was only in late August of 2009 that Adam Goldstein–better known as DJ AM–was found dead of an accidental drug overdose in his New York City apartment. The formerly fat celebrity DJ battled both weight and drug addiction in his youth, but had slimmed down and been sober for well over ten years before slipping down the sad and slippery slope of crack cocaine in the days before his death. Some reports have speculated that AM picked up the pipe because he was all kinds of broken up over his alleged bust up with model Hayley Wood. Other reports speculate that AM was still saddled with the weighty psychological residue of the September 2008 Learjet crash which killed four people and left AM and his friend/collaborator Travis Barker seriously injured. Whatever the reasons, the celebrity spinner was well-liked by all those who knew him, including Your Mama who became friendly–but not friends–with AM after we dished on the purchase of his house in Beverly Hills, CA back in April of 2007.

It is this house, located way up in the Hills of Beverly on Anthony Place we would like to discuss again because it was recently listed–presumably by the executor of his estate–with an asking price of $3,795,000. Property records and a little inside information from a Beverly Hills real estate insider indicates to Your Mama that the single story residence was purchased by AM in June of 2006. This was just before he and Nicole Richie broke up and before he took up with actress Mandy Moore. Property records and information provided to Your Mama by our Beverly Hills real estate insider reveals AM forked over $3,225,000 for the approximately 3,375 square foot residence.

At the time of the purchase, the walled and gated residence had been renovated but it appears to Your Mama that AM made a few aesthetic tweaks to both the interior and the exterior which included some new landscaping at the front of the house and around the swimming pool and wrapping wood around the top portion of the double sided fireplace in the living room.

The glass front door opens to the entrance hall which leads to the main living space, comprised of an open plan living/dining area with gorgeous, shiny mahogany floors, a flat screen tee-vee mounted above the fireplace and wood framed sliding doors that open to the pool terrace. The large eat-in kitchen has a built in breakfast table, mac-daddy appliances including an 6-burner Viking range with a griddle, and sleek, and flat fronted chocolate brown cabinetry topped by Carrara marble counter tops. Not the most practical choice those counter tops, but golly they look nice, don't they?

AM's home office, located off the entrance hall at the front of the house, shares the double sided fireplace with the living room and includes a full wall of book shelves and another wall mounted flat screen tee-vee. The custom built theater has been outfitted with a gigantic movie screen, a chocolate brown coffered ceiling, cocoa colored suede walls and seven very plush looking chocolate brown reclining leather seats.

A long hallway lined with built in bookshelves along one side leads to the bedrooms, each of which appears to have a private pooper. The modestly sized master suite, which has custom fitted closets where AM probably kept at least some of his 600+ pairs of sneakers, has been decorated in various shades of brown and beige and includes more of those amazing mahogany floors and a muscular, clean-lined bed with an upholstered headboard, overhead lighting and a thick cabinet at the foot of the bed out of which glides a flat screen tee-vee at the touch of the button. We don't have any idea what AM watched on his tee-vee while lounging in his bed, but we always think of these sorts of boob-toobs that rise mysteriously from the foot of the bed as being a porn fanatics dream tee-vee.

The back of the house opens to the wee back yard which has a small, multi-sided swimming pool, a spa and long views down the canyons, over the city of Beverly Hills and towards the towers of Century City. More photos of AM's crisp and clean hideaway can be seen here.

With the blessing of AM's family, MTV decided to begin post-humously air the 8-episode Intervention-like reality tee-vee program called Gone Too Far that AM wrapped just days before his death. The program, hosted by AM, began airing on October 12 and focuses on the lives and struggles of young addicts.

Property records reveal that the New York City condo where DJ AM died–located on the 7th floor of a glassy Richard Gluckman designed building on Lafayette Street–was purchased by the super successful scratcher in November of 2007 for $1,995,000. The apartment is not currently listed for sale on the open market, but Your Mama has to assume it won't be long before that place is also put up for sale.

RIP DJ AM.

Lisa Marie Presley Lists Hidden Hills Hideaway

2009-11-02T02:32:00.000-08:00

SELLER: Lisa Marie Presley

LOCATION: Long Valley Road, Hidden Hills, CA
PRICE: $8,995,000
SIZE: 8,000 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Beautifully & extensively remodeled & expanded in the exclusive guard-gated community of Hidden Hills is this 8,000 SF sprawling ranch home on over 3 acres of lush rolling lawns w/ orchards. In addition to the main house, consisting of 5 bdrms. 5.5 baths, this private complex also features 3 separate guest quarters, pool/spa w/ waterfall, barns/tack rooms & extensive extra parking. The home backs up to the Santa Monica Conservancy/Ahmanson Ranch which ensures privacy.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen chickens, Your Mama and our boozy friend Fiona Trambeau been hunkered down the last few days at Chow and B.B. Lee's colorful house in pleasantly progressive Minneapolis, MN. We've walked along the shore of the mighty Mississippi, marveled at The Guthrie, ate too much meat at Brassa and handed out mountains of candy to children dressed like mermaids and Minnie Mouses. But it's time to wing our way back west to the Dr. Cooter, our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly, our mean ol' pussy Sugar, and our insolent house gurl Svetlana which means we're going to spend the better part of today sitting in airports and airplanes working the signs of the cross like nobody's bizness hoping we don't come down with the damn swine flu. And we're not even Catholic or religious but that swine crap has us all kinds of irrationally petrified. Anyhoo, given our circumstances, we need be brief which, as the children know, ain't easy for Your Mama who tend to prefer a more circuitous and long winded route.

Over the weekend, Your Mama received a covert communique from a gentleman we'll call Fernando San Fernando who kindly told Your Mama off that singer/songwriter Lisa Marie Presley, the only daughter of the King of Rock and Roll and the ex-wife of the King of Pop–not to mention the ex-wife of actor Nic Cage and two other men–has listed her house in horsey Hidden Hills, CA with an asking price of $8,995,000. Within minutes we were able to obtain a listing–two listings, actually–for the estate. However, since first discussing the property we were contacted by a representative of Missus Presley Keough Jackson Cage Lockwood who tells us that the Princess of Rock and Roll "never authorized the images of her property to be posted on the MLS service or anywhere else. In fact, the piece of property is not currently for sale." We'll have to take him at his word on that and assume someone screwed up big time. None the less...

Property records show that the four-times married celebrity Scientologist purchased her 3.14 acre, two-parcel compound located behind the gates of the star studded Hidden Hills community in December of 1993. The larger parcel with the main house was bought for $2,600,000 and the smaller one, according to property records, was scooped up for $625,000. This was shortly after her 25th birthday when she became the sole remaining heir to her late and great father's estate and an extraordinarily rich woman in control of an expanding empire that includes Graceland, her famous and wildly decorated childhood home in Memphis, TN. Missus Missus Presley Keough Jackson Cage Lockwood sold the Elvis Presley estate–minus Graceland and the surrounding property, her father's famous cars and other personal effects–to media mogul Robert F.X. Sillerman in 2004 for a reported "$53 million in cash, $22 million in stock in Sillerman's new company, and the assumption of $25 million in debt."

The unauthorized listing information, which is no longer available on the MLS, indicates that in addition to a main house that measures approximately 8,000 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 5.5 poopers, Missus Presley Keough Jackson Cage Lockwood's Long Valley Road compound also has 3 separate guest quarters, one of which is reportedly occupied by musician Danny Keough, her first huzband and the baby daddy of two of her four off-spring. Property records, on the other hand, show a main house that measures 7,077 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 5 poopers and a second residence–located on a separate but adjacent parcel–that measures 2,842 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 3 poopers. Your Mama does not know why these discrepancies exist and we're too tired and short of time to sort it all out. Suffice to say she's got a big ol' house with a good number of bedrooms and bathrooms and several guest houses with a good number more. Listing photos of the compound can still be be found here and here.

The main portion of the property includes a long, gated driveway, a parking lot sized motor court plus loads of additional parking, rolling lawns, a free form swimming pool and spa with a water fall and a water slide built in to a tumble of rocks (that Your Mama hopes are real rocks and not those horrid faux-stone things), numerous patios, terraces and covered porches and two of the three guest cottages, one on each end of the long house. The adjacent property, which has its own address, is accessed from Eldorado Meadow Road and includes a large guest house with its own swimming pool, a large deck and stables. As far as Your Mama can tell by our completely unscientific overhead surveillance, the two properties are only connected through a couple of gates in the long fence that separates the properties. According to a well connected source with intimate knowledge of all things Hidden Hills whom we'll call H.H. Tonguewagger, Missus Presley Keough Jackson Cage Lockwood is the only resident granted permission for a private security fence around her property. Apparently, according to H.H. Tonguewagger, the Hidden Hills by-laws or Home Owners Association–or whatever they have there–do not allow driveway gates or privacy/security fences on individual properties.

No longer available listing photos show that Missus Presley Keough Jackson Cage Lockwood does not share the same affection for carpeted kitchens, ceramic monkies, stained glass peacocks, and fur covered couches and in basement jungle rooms as her father did. Instead we find a dignified and expensive looking country style with antique rugs, a glossy grand piano and a car-sized crystal chandelier mixed with masculine leather sofas and chairs in the large wood beamed living room and a floral upholstered armchair and ottoman paired with a massive (mahogany?) bed, another car-sized crystal chandelier and dainty Louis the XV or XVI–or whatever–giltwood chairs and settees in the wood floored and vaulted beamed ceiling master bedroom. A long bridge-like hallway runs spine-like the length of the house on the second floor with clerestory window on two sides and a floral print runner on the wood floors.

The kitchen has multi-colored cabinetry with some sort of faux finish paint treatment with kooky boo-kays of flowers painted on to each of the upper cabinet doors as well as on the full sized fridge and freezers. This country style femininity in the cooker room isn't exactly what Your Mama would have expected from a woman who we think of as a little butch (in the best sense of the word), but there it is, in full color.

Your Mama assumes that Missus Presley Keough Jackson Cage Lockwood has chosen to sell–or at least vacate–her long time California compound because she's decided, according to recent reports, to relocate to the U.K. with her fourth huzband Michael Lockwood and their newly hatched twins.

Other notable residents of the Hidden Hills community include but are not limited to Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, Beverly Mitchell (she of 7th Heaven fame), and Melissa Etheridge and her ladee-mate Tammy Michaels.

It's not apparent to Your Mama if Missus Presley Keough Jackson Cage Lockwood owns any other residences in the U-nited States besides her maybe for sale maybe not for sale Hidden Hills compound, but we do know that her mother, the formerly fabulous but unfortunately surgefied and illegally injected Priscilla Presley who was recently rumored to be "swapping spit" with toothy British tee-vee producer Nigel Lythgoe (So You Think You Can Dance), lives in a sprawling house on Summit Drive in Beverly Hills, CA.

Now then, it's time to squeeze Fiona into her spandex traveling suit and get her to the airport where her customary and embarrassing demand for a cavity search will likely hold us up in security for at least an hour.

Frank and Jamie McCourt Have a Lot of Houses

2009-10-30T06:16:00.000-07:00

By now, anyone and everyone who follows the money trail around Los Angeles knows there's a War of the Roses about to erupt on the staid streets of the Holmby Hills where the dueling and dee-vorcing owners of the L.A. Dodgers Frank and Jamie McCourt own an impressive compound on Charing Cross Way.

For those who do not recognize their names, Mister and soon to be ex-Missus McCourt made piles of money developing commercial real estate in Boston, Mass. In 2004, they cashed out and purchased the L.A. Dodgers baseball franchise for a whopping $430,000,000.

Missus McCourt, an attorney with a Masters degree in business, was installed as vice-chairman and named president of the team in 2005. In March of 2009 she was promoted to CEO making her the highest-ranking woman in Major League Baseball earning $2,000,000 per year. Until last week, when her soon to be ex-huzband fired her.

The gory he said/she said details of Missus McCourt’s termination are all over the interweb, but suffice to say she says it’s unwarranted and he says she was insubordinate and that she was having an improper relationship with her bodyguard/driver. Your Mama does not know what is true and what is not true, but what we do know is that the people at gossip juggernaut TMZ managed to get a hold of the Petition for the Dissolution of Marriage filed by Jamie McCourt on October 27, 2009. How they do these things, we don't know, but the document was not only posted on their site it was also forwarded to Your Mama by Sandy Spreadtheword. It took us the better part of half a day and a pitcher of gin and tonic to read the 137-page document which details the couples accumulation of wealth, how they spend all that money and what kind of spousal support the soon to be ex-Missus McCourt is looking for.

By far the most interesting sections of the long document are those that detail the couple's personal real estate holdings and the amounts of money required to maintain them. By our count, the McCourts maintain 7 private residences and own two more parcels of prime property on which they intended to build two more. Prior to moving to Los Angeles in 2004, the couple lived in Massachusetts so that seems a good place to begin a chronicle of their real estate lives based on information culled from public property records and the dee-vorce docs.

According to previous reports and property records, prior to moving west, Mister and Missus McCourt called a Brookline, Mass mansion home since 1993. As best as we can tell, the couple coughed up $4,500,000 for the 8,249 square foot Cottage Street estate that ballooned to a gargantuan 18,216 square feet. Records show that property was sold in August of 2007 for $16,000,000. Interestingly, and somewhat eccentrically, when they sold the property they reserved the right to remove the entire kitchen–lock, stock, and counter tops–if the kitchen was ever to be remodeled or the mansion torn down.

Like many moneyed people in Massachusetts, Mister and Missus McCourt and their four sons often spent vacations on Cape Cod. In the year 2000, the then happy couple dumped $19,500,000 for a 5-parcel ocean front estate on Main Street in the Village of Cotuit, MA that spans more than 90 acres and includes two private ponds.

The main house was built in 1909, measures 7,516 square feet and includes 10 bedrooms and 6.5 poopers. A second, smaller house on the property has another 3 bedrooms and 2.5 poopers which all adds up to an unlucky 13 bedrooms and 10 terlets in 8 full and 2 half poopers.

Court documents indicate the McCourts spent $605,000 on improvements to the property and that they have an $18,000,000 equity line of credit secured by two of their properties, this being one of them. Court documents also indicate that the massive estate is quietly being shopped around with a hair-raising asking price of $50,000,000. Considering they’re into the place for just over twenty million smackers, a fifty million dollar sale–which Your Mama imagines is a bit of a pipe dream–would next them a mind boggling thirty million dollars.

Before buying the big estate on Cape Cod, in 1998, the erstwhile couple spent $775,000 on what is described in the dee-vorce docs as a “golf home” on Willowbend Drive in Mashpee, MA. The house contains a total of 9 bedrooms and 4.5 poopers, some of which according to the dee-vorce docs are in the finished basement.

Upon arriving in LaLa Land in 2004, they immediately cowed and wowed all the real estate people that fill the fancy offices on Cañon Drive in Bev Hills buy plunking down $21,250,000 for an estate on Charing Cross Road, directly across the street from the Playboy Mansion. Court documents reveal an additional $14,000,000 has been spent on improvements to property which included replacing the outdoor tennis court with an indoor Olympic size swimming pool that has its own pool house, sauna, steam room, shower, dressing room and massage room.

The post-renovation main manse,–their primary residence before busting up–now measures approximately 15,000 square feet and in addition to the 4 bedrooms and 10 poopers, there is also a fully-equipped work out room, a dance studio and guest quarters. The house also contains the kitchen from their Brookline mansion, which they spent $180,000 to remove and ship to California.

According to court documents, the monthly costs for the McCourt’s massive Charing Cross Road mansion total a toe curling $202,716 and include $68,313 for decorating and furnishing, $29,997 for domestic staff, and $5,866 in utilities. Think about that for a few seconds my butter beans. Mister and Missus McCourt and paying more every month to keep their lights on and the lawn watered than most people make in a month. There is, according to records and court documents, an elephantine $13,800,000 mortgage on the property.

A few months after buying the Charing Cross Road residence, in November of 2004, the couple scooped up the property next door for $6,500,000. Their intention, according to dee-vorce docs, was to utilize the 8,385 square foot, 8 bedrooms and 10 pooper property as guest quarters. However, despite spending an additional $4,800,000 in basic improvements and architectural fees, the property has been used for little more than storage. There is no mortgage on the property. However, between the two Holmby Hills properties, according to court docs, the McCourts have spent a mouth drying $46,550,000. It’s certainly not the ninety or so million Gary Winnick paid for his Bel Air spread, but it’s none the less a heart stopping mound of moolah.

In July of 2007, the couple went a-searchin’ for a Malee-boo beach house and found what they wanted in a swoopy John Lautner designed house on Carbon Beach for which they paid actors Courtney Cox and David Arquette $27,300,000. Since splitting with Frankie, Jamie has been occupying the Malibu residence exclusively. According to dee-vorce docs, the 4,486 square foot, 4 bedroom and 5.5 pooper architectural tour de force costs $151,054 per month to maintain, most of which goes to property taxes and servicing a $16,500,000 mortgage.

A few months later, in January of 2008, the couple decided they needed more room at the beach and purchased the property next door to their dee-voon Lautner house. Records and court documents reveal they paid $19,000,000 for the 3 bedroom and 3 pooper property where their children and guests stay when visiting them at the beach. Because the soon to be ex-Missus McCourt is a swimmer, a lap pool is being installed at this property because the small pool at the Lautner next door is, apparently, not big enough for lap swimming. According to dee-vorce docs, this property swallows up $88,106 in monthly costs and was used to secure an $11,400,000 mortgage.

In 2004, about the same time they moved west, the property mad McCourts forked over $6,000,000 for a 3 bedroom and 2.5 bathroom condominium on East Core Creek Drive in Vail, CO. Although the condo was paid for with cold, hard cash, according to the dee-vorce docs, an $18,000,000 equity line of credit was secured with this condo and their Cape Cod compound as collateral.

The couple own two additional pieces of land on which they planned to build two more luxurious residences. In 2006, they spent $7,700,000 for unimproved property at the by invitation only Yellowstone Club in Montana. No house has been built on the property.

In late 2008, seemingly just before they called it quits, they spent $4,625,000 for a vacant parcel of land at the dee-luxe El Dorado Club in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. A residence for the property has been fully designed by not yet built.

A few flicks of the well-worn beads of our bejeweled abacus reveals that Mister and Missus McCourt have spent $167,050,000 on dee-luxe real estate for their personal and private use and are carrying a diarrhea inducing $59,700,000 in mortgages. How do y’all like them real estate apples?

In addition to chronicling their extensive real estate holdings, the dee-vorce docs also detail the couples lavish monthly expenses which include 24/7 security at both their Holmby Hills home and their Malibu properties when they are in residence as well as racking up $6,870,000 in Net Jets costs in 2008 and 2009. According to Jamie and her forensics accountants, the couple’s monthly household expenses total a staggering $760,209 which includes $538,029 in real estate related expenses, $55,782 per month in personal expenses, which we take to mean hair care, fresh flowers and other luxuries, $33,756 per month in expenses related to their four adult children–three of whom are currently attending Stanford University, charity donations in excess of $30,000 per month, and concierge health care services to the tune of nearly $90,000 per year.

Lo-word have mercy, Your Mama needs a nerve pill just thinking about monthly bills in excess of three-quarters of a million clams. Every. Damn. Month. Jeezis. Even Rich people have gotta understand that is a shocking amount of money in monthly bills.

Due to their profligate ways–which they appear to be able to well afford–Missus McCourt is asking the courts to grant her non-taxable spousal support to the tune of $320,967 if she is reinstated to her two million dollar per year job at the Dodgers or $487,634 if she is not reinstated.

Given that California is a community property state and given that Missus McCourt gave Mister McCourt $1,000 for his first bidness deal and given that Missus McCourt has been an integral part of the couple’s wealth accumulation, it seems to Your Mama–who is not an attorney–that Jamie will not only be awarded stunning sums of money in monthly spousal support but will also end up owning half of the couple’s assets.

Whatever happens, expect the dirty details of their dee-vorce to be played out in the media.

Was Michael Jackson House Hunting Before He Passed on to the Great Gloved One in the Sky?

2009-10-28T12:14:00.001-07:00

Oh dear jeezis in heaven, the salacious gossip about Michael Jackson's crazy real estate ways hasn't stopped even though his poor, pale little body has been stuck up for eternity in the wall of a fancy mausoleum at the Forest Lawn cemetary.

According to the peeps at gossip juggernaut TMZ, prior to his death in June of 2009, Michael Jackson was negotiating to buy an insanely opulent architectural extravaganza in Los Angeles which can only be described as Mister Rococo making and unholy marriage with Missus Baroque and then proceededing to have influential and torrid affairs with both Sister Size Queen and Blistering Bad Taste. Assuming the report is accurate–and we really don't now if it is or is not–what else would one expect of an eccentric man-boy who kept zebras for pets, wore sequined socks and ladee's garments, wished he was Peter Pan, and had a damn ferris wheel in his backyard?

The 2.4 acre, three parcel estate in question sits in the swank Bel Air area of Los Angeles with a Revuelta Way address but in reality the bulk of the estate faces famed Sunset Boulevard. According to listing information for the house, which is currently on the market with a shocking asking price of $37,995,000, the vast estate includes approximately 20,000 square feet of immoderately lavish interior space with 15 bedrooms and 16.5 poopers spread throughout the main house and the 2-story guest house that over looks the swimming pool complex, spa and fitness center.

According to TMZ, ol' MJ had his beady little eyes set on the eye-popping property as far back as 2001 when he entered escrow to purchase the estate but backed out when he turned up short of funds. Fast forward to 2008/2009 when MJ was living in a leased house a few twists and turns down Sunset on N. Carolwood Drive. The TMZ reports says MJ was hoping to use some of the proceeds of his This Is It tour to buy the property and began chit-chatting with the current owner about making a second go of buying the improbably palatial property. He even, allegedly, took his trio of children to tour the property which, according to listing information, includes garaging for 20 or more cars, a dining room for 50 or more, 5 fireplaces, a cigar and wine tasting room, more gilded this and thats than in all of the Hermitage, and a vast master suite with three wall-mounted televisions, two massive marble poopers with gold fixture including one with gold swan shaped faucets, and a behemoth bed sitting on a raised platform with a blood red velvet and gilded headboard so absurdly extravagant even Marie Antoinette and Saddam Hussein would have said "Oh hunny, pleeze, no. That's just too much for a simple person like me."

The estate, sometimes referred to by real estate junkies in L.A. as the Tar Estate or–less nicely–as the Tar Mahal, is currently owned by Yousuf Tar. Among other assets, Mister Tar owns the Bernini Clothing and Fragarance lines. The children might recall that Chuck Woolery's suits were furnished by Bernini when he hosted Love Connection.

Henry Simmons Lists Hollywood Hills Hideaway

2009-10-28T08:36:00.000-07:00

SELLER: Henry Simmons
LOCATION: North Orange Grove Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,397,000
SIZE: 2,026 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Celebrity owned 3BR/2/5BA beautiful Mediterranean oasis updated w/ contemporary finishes throughout. Gated mini-compound graced w/ tropical grounds offering total privacy & located blocks from Sunset Strip & Runyon Canyon. Open floor plan is complimented by French doors, glass tiled fireplace, cozy library, high ceilings & dark wood floors. Remodeled kitchen connects to adjacent family room w/ vaulted ceilings. Master suite features walk-in closets, steam shower & tumbled marble complete w/ outdoor spa.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Last night, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter sat on the sofa all bug-eyed with mortification as as that poor Jeff Lewis from the Bravo's Flipping Out program broke up with his bestie Ryan Brown right on national tee-vee. Love him or hate him children, that was genuine reality tee-vee. During the too many commercial breaks we multi-tasked and maximized our precious free time by combing through the new real estate listings in LaLa Land and it wasn't long before we came across a house low down in the Hollywood Hills listed with an asking price of $1,397,000 described in the listing as "celebrity owned."

Well, Your Mama does not have to tell you that our mouth went dry, our blood began to race and we immediately began sifting through the property records. Lo and behold and much to our chagrin, we came up empty handed. So we took a moment to regroup, watched the big lips of Jeff Lewis quiver in honest to goodness sadness and then took a few more minutes to peep and poke around the interweb, twisted our data inside out in the hopes our property record machinations would flush out the identity of the famous owner. But alas children, we wound up still empty handed. We next dashed off a quick missive to our always well informed aide de camp Lucy Spillerguts and waited patiently for her reply. Early this morning while sitting quietly with the I.V. machine slowly drip, drip, dripping caffeine directly into our sleepy veins, we received a succinct communique from our dear Lucy who swears on her new house that the property on N. Orange Grove Drive is owned by actor Henry Simmons.

No babies, we did not know who Mister Simmons was either until we Blackled his name and discovered the tall and dark drink of water has a long list of television credits that includes–but is not limited to–a couple of years on the legendary soap opera Another World in the late 1990s, more than 100 episodes of NYPD Blue during the early to mid 2000s and, from 2006-2008, he appeared in thirty some episodes on a show called Shark, a now canceled program that Your Mama had neither seen nor heard of.

Property records reveal that Mister Simmons scooped up his 2,026 square foot Mediterranean casa at the foot of the Hollywood Hills in November of 2003. It's a wee bit unclear to Your Mama just how much money Mister Simmons paid for the property. One record we accessed shows a sale price of $1,120,0011 while another document we located shows $999,000. We're really not sure why a purchase price discrepancy exists, but one does. Let's just say Mister Simmons paid around a million clams for the property and call it a day.

Listing information indicates the walled, hedged and gated single story house includes 3 bedrooms and 2.5 poopers even though documents on file with the tax man say the house has only 2 full poopers. Again, we don't know why all the documents don't agree, but we're going to go with listing information and say there are three terlits in two full and one half bathrooms.

The front of the house presents a number of different styles that include the classic ocher and red tile roof of a southern California Mediterranean, an almost Regency style bay window on the left side, and a lot of Zen-like bamboo-y plants that shield and obscure much of the front facade. It's all a bit messy, but it sort of works in an organic food shopping, Prius driving, baby carriage left out in the front yard sort of way.

The interior of the 1922 house has been updated, upgraded and opened up to include wide openings between the living room and dining rooms as well as the dining room and the family room/kitchen at the back of the house. The living room has buttercup colored walls, dark chocolate wide plank floors and a wood burning fireplace with an ebony glass tile surround. Mister Simmons, clearly a fan of a colorful and international sort of day-core, has outfitted the room with wicker arm chairs, a leather sofa, multi-colored pillows and various knick knacks and paddy whacks that look to Your Mama like they were prolly bought at Pier 1 Imports rather than in Nepal or Tibet.

The chocolate wood floors–and the Pier 1 Imports day-core–extends into the unfortunately chandelier-less dining room painted a pale shade of melon. Some sort of tortoise or capiz shell chandelier would have worked wonders in here. Anyhoo, the dining room has a small bump out painted a rich shade raspberry that opens to the side yard through a pleasant wall of French doors framed by shiny–possibly silk, coppery-orange curtains. Listen chickens, although Your Mama does not care for Mister Simmon's decorative tastes and while we do l.o.v.e. the color orange, we feel very la-dee-dah-meh about the melon color. None the less, credit where credit is due, we do appreciate how Mister Simmons–or his nice gay decorator or his paint specialist or whomever–used darkening shades of color to entice and draw the eyeball from the front of the house towards the back even if we're not loving the actual colors.

A wide set of French doors opens from the dining room into the family room/kitchen/breakfast room which is all hexagonal Mexican tile on the floor and multi-paned windows on the back wall that open through more French doors onto the rear terrace. The kitchen has honey colored cabinetry, a big ol' sky light and all the blah blah blah of a well equipped kitchen even if the stainless steel appliances are not as industrial grade as we might prefer in one point four million dollar crib. The children will note that it appears that someone cheaped-out on the kitchen counter tops which appear to be granite tiles instead of granite slabs. Listen babies, Your Mama knows that everyone has a budget and not everyone's budget extends to the latest, greatest and most expensive materials. However, trust Your Mama when we tell you that granite tiles are a strict no-no. Granite tile counter tops are what Home Despot addicted landlords install in the kitchens of their crappy rentals when they are trying to fool a prospective tenant into thinking a house or apartment is high end when it is really middle-brow.

The home's three bedrooms include a master with a walk-in closet, a private pooper with a steam shower–which we love even if it's not a pretty steam shower, wall to wall deep shag carpeting–Oh, come on! No! Pleeze.–and a set of French doors that open to the rear terrace where there is a sunken spa surrounded by foliage. This is, obviously, the perfect spot for anyone who sees sitting in hot bubbling water as foreplay. The terrace leads down to a another larger terrace surrounded by towering and privacy making bamboo. Somewhere on the property that looks like it might be in some sort of basement, Mister Simmons has installed a home gym with rubber matting, a rack of free weights and a treadmill. Your Mama doesn't care for home gyms but it ain't easy looking all rock solid the way Mister Simmons does so it makes perfect sense he'd have a set up like this at home.

Mister Simmons home is well situated for easy access to the Sunset Strip, Hollywood, West Hollywood, the studios in Burbank and, one of Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's favorite places in L.A., Runyon Canyon where pooches of all sizes and breeds are allowed to run free and sniff each others booties. Your Mama hasn't a clue where Mister Simmons will be headed next, but wherever it may be we wish him a happy home free of granite tile and super shag carpeting.

Colin Hanks the Younger Buys Modest Casa

2009-10-27T11:45:00.000-07:00

BUYER: Colin Hanks
LOCATION: Hollyridge Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,025,000
SIZE: 1,560 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 1.75 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Magical Spanish-style home designed by famed architect Paul R. Williams. Located on desirable Hollyridge Loop, the residence is situated on a knoll behind a gate for privacy. This house features a large open living rm w/ hi ceilings, fireplace & banks of windows, FDR & sunny kitchen. A few steps up lead to the 2 bedrooms, each w/ en-suite baths & the library/den which opens outside. There is also a separate studio. The property consists of lovely grassy gardens, tranquil patio spaces & views.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Some siblings and offspring of Tinseltown types grab hold of their famous family member's coattails and milk their fame for all it's worth. They pine for publicity and make secret deals with the paps so they can get their pix in the tabs. They frequent all the star-studded hot spots in Hollywood and appear in reality tee-vee programs that often expose them as no-talent nepotists. Sometimes–for better or worse–their efforts to trade on the family name lead to fame and fortune as is the case with folks like Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton and her former bff Nicole Richie. For others, their story often ends in obscurity after their 15 minutes of fame evaporates like water in the desert. Those in this category might include Aliana Lohan, Brody Jenner, Sean Stewart, Ashlee Simpson and all the other Kardashian ladees not named Kim whom Your Mama strongly recommends bank what they're earning now because it is our humble and meaningless opinion that they are simply not interesting or talented enough to cultivate long term fame and fortune. Infamy? Maybe. Fame? Pleeze. No.

Then there are those that manage to forge their own way in the wicked world of Hollywood. Those might include peeps like Kate and Oliver Hudson, Tori Spelling, Rashida Jones, Tracee Ellis Ross and wild child turned earth mommy goddess Angelina Jolie. Listen children, Your Mama is not so stoopid that we don't recognize there was most likely some amount connection making nepotism involved in the careers of each of these people. However, whether you like them or not, they have proven they are more than just the child of a celebrity by having resumes that does not include amateur porn videos.

Colin Hanks–the early thirties son of super star Tom and his first wifey Samantha Lewes–falls into the latter category and it him and his recent purchase of a decidedly un-celebrity style house in Los Angeles' Bronson Canyon neighborhood that we'd like to discuss this afternoon. Mister Hanks the Younger started his own modest climb up the ladder of fame in the late 1990s when he appeared on the ill-fated UFO serious Roswell. He has gone on to make short arc appearances on The O.C., Mad Men, and Numb3rs on the boob toob as well as roles in films such as W, The House Bunny, My Mom's New Boyfriend and King Kong. According to his growing resume on the IMDB, the younger Mister Hanks also has meaty roles in several upcoming films in which he'll appear opposite big names like Adrien Brody, Jeffrey Tambour, Ann-Margaret, and Chloë Sevigny.

Now then, let's get down to property tacks. Property records show a 1926 Paul Williams designed Spanish style house on Hollyridge Drive was purchased in early October of 2009 for $1,025,000 through a trust that sounds like it was chosen by a Buddhist. A few clicks, clacks and inquiries on our trusty laptop lead to a covert communique from our nearly omniscient aide de camp Lucy Spillerguts who tells Your Mama that the buyer of the casa pequeña is indeed Colin Hanks, son of Tom. Listing information we received via Babbling Babette tells us the one story but two level casa measures a modest 1,560 square feet and includes just 2 bedrooms and 1.75 poopers.

The gated, white stucco and red tile roofed house sits atop a small knoll above the street where there is a detached 2 car garage. A meandering flight of brick stairs leads to the pergola shaded front door which opens directly into the living room which has wood floors, a wood burning fireplace, many paned windows and a gently arching, barrel vaulted ceiling. A small dining room with a high, peaked wood ceiling that mirrors the wood on the floor sits between the living room and the kitchen which has had a few updates (i.e. the stainless steel dishwasher) but is none the less all manner of hot mess. It appears the old, flat fronted cabinetry was stained a deep charcoal, which we like as an inexpensive alternative to all new and expensive cabinetry. However and sadly, Your Mama's positive comments on the petite cooker end there. There is an old fashioned jalousie window above the sink and the counter tops are a vibrant, almost violent shade of tur-qwaze tile. In the right circumstances a case can be made for jalousie windows and vividly colored counter tops that scream, "EASTER!" Lo-ward knows Your Mama is drawn to bright colors like a vampire to blood but this tur-quaze in simply awful. It is not, the children will note, not the worst of the kitchen issues. Let's begin with the insane placement of the dishwasher which when open prohibits use of the sink. Next might be what we fear is linoleum floor. And lastly, perhaps the most heinous of the bunch is that brown, built in relic of a range which just makes Your Mama's blood boil with surly objection. Just like ev-er-ee body else, we are all for re-using and recycling, but this crazy cooking contraption drags that concept so far over the line it makes Your Mama need a damn nerve pill to settle our jumpy decorative sensibilities. Who thought it was a good idea to keep this thing in the kitchen? Seriously? Who?

In addition to the two bedrooms which, according to listing information, are located a few steps up from the main level and each have en-suite poopers including one in which marble counter tops have been laid on cabinetry from the 1950s, there is a library/den that opens to the rear garden through French doors. The terraced back yard has several flat seating areas including a long, narrow strip of lawn perfect for exercising long bodied bitches like our Linda and Beverly and a flag stone tiled terrace that provides a view of downtown L.A. from over the roof top and through an army of palm trees.

Your Mama has one last thing to say about Mister Hanks the Younger's new crib: It's always so refreshing to see someone who grew up the privileged and wildly rich child of one of the world's most beloved and successful movie stars who none the less buys a lovely but small and unassuming house. Of course, this being Los Angeles, it's still an insanely expensive house compared to houses in most parts of the country, but still... We're certain Mister Hanks the Younger could have turned on the charm and squeezed a few more shekels out of Mister Hanks the Elder and bought something more lavish and celebrity style. But he did not. And that, my butter beans, is to the credit of his parents who, apparently, raised a son not saddled with the sort of sickening entitlement too many scions and siblings of Hollywood's elite seem to suffer from.

Anyhoo, Mister Hanks the Younger's new neighbors include Danny Masterson and his ladee-mate Bijou Phillips who purchased Chuck Berry's former 5 bedroom and 4 pooper property directly across the street in June of 2007 for $2,995,000.

Mish Mash Monday

2009-10-23T15:03:00.000-07:00

1.
Thanks to our fab friend Kitty Glitter, we've learned there's some good news and some bad news for The Real Housewives of Orange County's Simon and Tamra Barney. Y'all remember these two, right? Who could forget them without the help of handful of mood stabilizers, a few pain pills and a bottle of gin? She's the fun loving but fork tongued blond "real estate agent" with the behemoth bazooms and he's her former Mercedes salesperson huzband who now pimps tequila.

The good news for the Barneys is that listing information shows their approximately 4,300 square foot faux-Tuscan tract house in Ladera Ranch, CA is looking for a back up offer indicating their 5 bedroom and 5.5 pooper real estate problem might soon belong to someone else.

The bad news for the Barneys is that the current asking price of $1,149,000 is substantially less than the $1,320,500 property records show they paid for the property in August of 2005. It is also, unfortunately, far less than the would like you to believe they are rolling in dough duo owe on the property which, according to public records, is at least $1,317,000.

To make matters worse, records show a nasty Notice of Default was filed on the Barney's primary mortgage in September of 2009 which makes the urgency to sell even more intense lest the property fall into the cruel jaws of foreclosure. Unless some damn fool was stupid enough to bid way over the asking price, Mister and Missus Barney will have to beg the bank for mercy and plead with the peeps at JP Morgan Chase to accept a couple (or few) hundred thousand dollars less than is owed on the property.

Listing information shows the Barney's Pointe Circle property in the religious sounding Covenant Hills planned development community was first put on the market back in late October of 2008 with an entirely unrealistic price tag of $1,599,000. The asking price was cut at least three times before the property was taken off the market in January of 2009 and then re-listed in July with its current asking price of $1,149,000. For some reason, the property has been de-listed and re-listed three more times since July of 2009.

The new season of The Real Housewives of Orange County starts up soon and Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter will be watching like hawks looking for any signs that this couple is short on cash. Of course, we're 100% certain they'll maintain the veneer of wealth and continue to say–as they have in the past–that they're willing to take a huge loss on this property in order to take advantage of sagging prices which will allow them to buy an even better property. However, besides their RHoOC paychecks, neither of these two appear to have regular or stable jobs that would indicate to a bank they can handle an even larger mortgage then the one they've currently defaulted on. Do y'all smell a disingenuous fish? Your Mama shore do.

Maybe ol' Tamra and Simon can wedge her big ol' boobies into the Mercedes and move into the Irvine, CA condo fellow housewife Jeana Keough's been trying to sell the last few months? Just a thought. Or maybe, could be these two lovebirds are headed for the court of dee-vorce? Hmm.

2.
Turns out Tamra Barney isn't the only busty blond with real estate troubles. Former Baywatch babe turned cliché Tinseltown tragedy Pamela Anderson is facing her own real estate and financial melodrama regarding her house behind the gates of the star studded Malibu Colony community in Malibu, CA.

According to a recent article in the Daily Mail thoughtfully sent to Your Mama by Leonard Londoner, Miz Looking Rode Hard and Put Up Wet Pam Anderson recently gave an interview in which she, allegedly, told former EastEnder actor Joe Swash that the costs for the total overhaul of her home in The Colony has sucked money out of her once fat bank accounts like an industrial strength vacuum cleaner leaving her with only $4,000. Oh dear, the literally poor lamb. Four thousand clams probably barely covers the cost for Miss Pam's hair extensions which will be a real problem when her tracks start showing.

Making matters worse, Miss Pam claims to be three million clams over budget and needs another $800,000 to finish the extensive renovations that include tiling the swimming pool with platinum. Platinum tiles in the swimming pool? Oh gurl, no wonder you're in a financial pickle. Listen missy, Your Mama would feel sorry for your broke ass–iffin indeed the reports are true that's yer down to your last few grand–but low-ward have mercy what in the devil were you thinking tiling your damn swimming pool with platinum tiles? Seriously? Are you on drugs? Did you really think those tremendous tetas of yours were going to allow you to trade on your sex appeal for the rest of your life? Guuurrrl, pleeze. You should have been more prudent with your damn dollars and put some away for a rainy day instead of tiling your damn swimming pool in platinum. Pleeze.

Anyhoo, Miss Pam, who told Mister Swash she was planning to sell the house in the Colony, is currently living in a Malibu trailer park with her electrician boyfriend Jamie Padgett. Listen chickens, don't be fooled by the words "trailer park." While she does live in what is technically a manufactured mobile home in a Malibu trailer park, trust Your Mama when we tell you these "trailers" in the Paradise Cove Mobilehome Park can easily cost a half a million smackers or much more depending on the proximity to the beach. Like all them real estates says, location, location, location, butter beans. Like it or not, a "trailer" on the ocean in Malibu is still worth many times that of a house in less coastal environments. We're sure some of you people in less coastal environments will have something to say about that.

3.
It was only a few weeks ago that Avril "I'm a punk rock chick" Lavigne dumped her huzband Deryck Whibley and bee-hawtcha is already rumored and reported to be house hunting with another man. And that man–believe it or not my little beauties–is Brandon Davis. That's right, he of the Lindsay Lohan "firecrotch" infamy. Riot gurl really knows how to pick 'em, don't she?

Recent reports reveal that Little Miss Acts Like A Rebellious Sixteen Year Old has been getting down and doing the bowm-chicka-bow-bow with the large lipped Hollywood scion who, apparently, dated–or did–both Paris and Nicky Hilton back in the early 2000s, an idea just too grotesque on so many levels that Your Mama is truly speechless on the subject.

All the reports say that Miss Lavigne, whose career seems to have hit a bit of molasses lately, is going to sell her big manse on Stratford Circle in the the Bel Air Crest gated community. Records and previous reports reveal Miss Lavigne bought the chunky, 12,184 square foot mansion in March of 2007, turning over $9,500,000 to sellers Travis Barker–from Blink 182–and his on again off again wife Shanna Moakler, the feisty former Miss USA who really gave it to that Christian gurl Carrie Prejean over the gay marriage.

Reports reveal that Mister Davis–who was widely reported to be broke, or next to–lives at Lionsgate, his mother's Bel Air estate that happens to be adjacent to the compound the Jonas Brothers recently leased and more recently vacated which is next door to Mister and Missus Jennifer Lopez's estate on St. Pierre Road, which has long been for sale with an asking price of $7,900,000. But we digress. Reports also reveal that Mister Davis and his soon to be dee-vorced faux punker ladee friend Avril have been spotted house hunting in the Hills of Beverly and Hollywood.

We shall see, but Your Mama–who doesn't know a paper plate from a Rolls Royce–is convinced that this unlikely and unholy pairing of Avril Lavigne and Brandon Davis will only end in tears and another multi-million dollar mansion for sale. Mark Your Mama's words on that one puppies.

UPDATE: Turns out The Spitter's dalience with Mister Davis was short lived because much more recent reports indicate she's holing up with Pineapple heir Justin Murdock who, as fer as Your Mama knows, still lives up on Laurel Way in the Bev Hills in a groovy ranch style house with a classic kidney shaped swimming pool.

4.
Is anyone surprised that reports are starting to circulate that sassy and smug music mogul/American Idol gazillionaire isn't the best neighbor a person could ask for? According to an article in the Daily Mail forwarded to Your Mama by Leonard Londoner, Mister Cowell's new neighbors in Beverly Hills are all kinds of pissed off. They complain that Mister Cowell makes a lot of racket with late night parties and that he forbids construction workers to park in his driveway which means their trucks and cars clutter up the usually pristine N. Palm Drive. All these parked cars, quite natch, annoys residents who have to suffer the indignity of driving up to their ten million dollar mansions in their shiny rides only to have a dozen dirty trucks parked in front of the house. Quelle damage!

Mister Cowell recently moved into his recently completed mansion located just below Sunset Boo-layvard in the flats of Bev Hills and which reportedly includes a private solarium, indoor swimming pool, a private cinema, a home gym, more bedrooms than the moobish mogul will ever need and according to the Daily Mail, a Dynasty style marble stair case which seems a bit of a strange description of a staircase in what is essentially a very modern, very crisp, very black and white, very Armani Casa mansion.

5.
According to deeds filed with the City of New York and a recent report by the always on top of things Max Abelson at the New York Observer's Manhattan Transfers column, egotastic artist/filmmaker Julian Schnabel has finally managed to unload the triplex penthouse unit at his much maligned, pinkish-red, quasi-Italianate tower on New York City's West 11th Street which he humorously named Palazzo Chupi.

The 3,845 square foot penthouse first came on the open market in early 2008 with a ridiculous asking price of $27,000,000. The price tag was soon, surprisingly and stoopidly, raised to an even more hair brained $32,000,000. The 3 bedroom, 3.5 pooper, 7 terrace triplex languished on the market for-evah and underwent several price chops before, according to property records, a Bay Area based financier named William J.P. Brady stepped in to relieve the financially beleaguered Mister Schnabel. The sale price, according to the deed, was a shocking $10,691,625. A few flicks of the well worn beads of our bejeweled abacus reveals that figures is exactly one-third of the highest asking price of $32,000,000.

If the name of the buyer seems familiar to any of the children it's because Mister Brady already owns one of the other units at Palazzo Chupi. Back in October of 2007 it was widely reported that Mister Brady forked over $15,500,000 for "Unit 1" of Mister Schnabel's 17-story pink palace. It's unclear why Mister Brady would want a second condo in the Chupi, but we're sure a man with as much money as he does has his sound but unfathomable reasons.

Besides Mister Schnabel–who is getting a very expensive dee-vorce from him long time wifey Olatz–and Mister Brady, the only other owner/resident of the tower is still smoking hot actor Richard Gere and his lucky wifey Carrie Lowell who tried to flip their condo at the Chupi soon after closing at a $5,000,000 profit. The comely couple quickly took their condo at the Chupi off the market, probably when they realized they severely overpaid and could never in a sinking market make their money back let along make a few million extra.

Mister Schnabel still has one more unit to sell at the Chupi, the 3,850 square foot doo-plex currently listed at $12,950,000. Given that he just fire-sold the triplex for ten million and change, Your Mama predicts the doo-plex will soon sell for even less...shall we say eight million and some change?

Is Another Real Housewife Biting the Real Estate Dust?

2009-10-23T10:38:00.000-07:00

All the children know that Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter are unrepentant reality tee-vee junkies who will watch just about anything short of programs that feature former celebrities attempting to grab 10 more minutes of their former fame and glory or even worse, those who are despereate for a paycheck. Those programs, like I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here, are simply too sad to watch. One of our most beloved guilty pleasures is The Real Housewives of... franchise on the Bravo channel. We just can't seem to get enough of all those nipped and tucked boojie behawtchas getting into the most ridiculous and petty grade school gurl cat fights. It's all kinds of ugly children, but it's good ugly. Like the Jerry Springer Show only with expensive clothes and jewelry.

The notch in Andy Cohen's reality tee-vee belt is The Real Housewives of New Jersey. While each of the five "housewives" in Jersey were jaw dropping and eye popping in their own way, it was fiery tempered table flipper Teresa Giudice who rocketed to pinnacle of reality tee-vee fame for coining the brilliant put down, "prostitution whore"–which Your Mama uses all the damn time–and for humping around town with a house cat sized wad of cash in her purse. Do y'all remember that episode where she swanned around some furniture warehouse on some turnpike bragging about how she always paid cash for everything while peeling off more than $120,360 to buy a lot of ugly furniture for her ugly new house?

As it turns out and despite that flagrant and vulgar display, Teresa and her huzband Giuseppe–a.k.a. Joe–did not pay cash for a piece of property they own in nearby Lincoln Park, NJ because according to recent reports, the self-proclaimed all cash couple failed to make the mortgage payments on the .47 acre piece of land. Missus Giudice–which Your Mama thinks is pronounced either joo-duh-say or gwee-dee-chee–owes $127,500 on the property and the peeps at the DLJ Mortgage Company want their money or they're going to move to foreclose on the property according to papers filed with the New Jersey Superior Court.

It appears the couple's newly built onyx and marble monstrosity on Indian Lane in Towaco, NJ–which, by the way, backs up to the very bizzy and very loud Interstate 287–is not about to be foreclosed as was reported far and wide earlier today. However, a peep and a poke around the public property records reveals that the couple also carry a hefty, $1,720,000 mortgage on their 10,000+ square foot manse which means they didn't pay cash for that property either which kinda makes Missus Giudice a big fat fibber.

No doubt there is more to this story than meets Your Mama's gin soaked eyes and we're sure Mister and Missus Giudice will soon issue a press release saying it was all a paperwork mix up or some such nonsense. In the meantime, Your Mama is crossing our fingers and toes that the Giudice's real estate dra-muh is captured for the next season of the New Jersey installment of Andy Cohen's reality tee-vee baby.