Love, Happiness, Career & Money Empowering Blog!

Soulmate or Egomate?

2008-05-09T16:57:00.008-04:00

There’s a great quote in that wonderful tale, "The Little Prince" where the Prince wisely says: "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

What this quote describes is “soulmate love" -- which is a far more mature love than “egomate love" -- which too many people get tricked into seeking -- and thereby never finding true love and true happiness.

In case you’ve been foolishly getting "soulmate love" confused with its lesser"egomate love" fake and faux pas imitiation -- here are some helpful reminders ...

Soulmate

A soulmate is someone whom when you meet -- without thinking – without letting your neocortex play into the decision – you feel an instant familiarity, a sense of connection, a longing.

Egomate

An egomate is someone who you instantly want because you know they will “look good to others” – because this person is beautiful or rich, or has some ego massaging quality. But this thing you like about this person is a generic superficial quality -- rather than the dynamic and tingly connection you feel when with this person.

Soulmate

A soulmate is someone who you could spend a great deal of time with just sitting on a sofa and feel happy. You don’t need fanfare. You don’t need to go out to expensive restaurants. Just being with them cuddling and kissing feels like a vacation.

Egomate

An egomate is someone who you need to spend lots of money on and do ritzy activities with to fully feel the excitement of being with them.

Soulmate

A soulmate is someone who you miss when they’re not around – and can even lose sleep over. When you talk about this person to friends, you might mention their looks or money, but you mainly talk about what makes them special to you – those deeper, less
superficial qualities which are about connecting soul to soul.
You feel a passionate friendship for this person.

Egomate

An egomate is someone who when you talk about this person to friends, you mainly talk about this person as being rich or beautiful -- or any of a variety their trophy qualities which build up your ego. If you’re honest with yourself, some part of you doesn’t respect this partner of yours on certain levels -- or even like them as a friend. Indeed if you weren’t dating this person, you might not even be friends with them. Perhaps you even feel a bit bored by them if you spend too much time alone in their company or sitting on a sofa just talking. But your ego overpowers your instincts, because your ego loves talking about how rich or beautiful this person is – and impressing friends and family.

Soulmate

You’re not looking for perfection in your partner. Perfection is all about the ego. With soulmate love you know that true love is what happens when disappointment sets in – and you’re willing to deal maturely with these disappointments. You recognize nobody is perfect. Not only does your partner have imperfections, so do you. And because you value the deep love and connection you are lucky enough to share, you choose to work on your problems and grow as individuals and as a couple. With soulmate love, you’re not only finally ready to wear your heart on your sleeve, but roll up your sleeves and do the necessary work. Your goal with a soulmate is to create the most fabulous “inside world” – inside yourself as a growing individuals and inside your private relationship as a thriving couple.

Egomate

Your ego cares about perfection. A lot. In particular your ego cares about your partner appearing perfect to the outside world. You’re less forgiving about imperfections in your partner because of your ego – because you take your partner’s imperfections personally -- as showing you as being imperfect -- and your ego does not like your not being perfect. So you put a high priority on looking super cool and perfect to others. Indeed, you are so blinded by the image perks your uber-gorgeous or uber-rich partner offers up. that there’s an immature part of you who doesn’t really feel the need to connect in friendship with your partner – or grow as a person when problems arise in the relationship. You just care about the “ego symbols” you are showing to the outside world.

Soulmate

Your partner could gain weight, lose all their money, lose all their hair - and you wouldn’t care. You love them for their core self.

Egomate

If your partner gained weight, lost their money, lost their hair, you’d lose your “ego symbol”and thereby feel less attracted to this person and want to break up.

In summary: Soulmate love is far more satisfying. Afterall, looks and money can (and often) fade. But a bad personality and bad values and a bad intimacy connection are forever.

The "Who Knew?" Guru

2008-05-07T14:44:00.003-04:00

The findings of a recent Wall Street Journal ranking of the most influential business thinkers might surprise you. Only one of the top five thinkers is an actual traditional business guru -- which is not only interesting, but good news for my boss, Karen Salmansohn -- who is herself an unconventional business guru, with her best selling books -- like HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS WITHOUT A PENIS and GUT: HOW TO THINK FROM YOUR MIDDLE TO GET TO THE TOP, and BALLSY: 99 WAYS TO SCORE EXTREME BUSINESS SUCCCESS. So it seems Karen is part of a big trend. Meaning? I'll probably have my job working for her for a long time to come!

I spotted this trend in an article Erin White wrote for WSJ called "New Breed of Business Gurus Rises." Below are those top five. Check it out: 4/5ths of the bulk of them are a psychologist, 2 journalists, and a celebrity CEO.

1. Author and "traditional" consultant Gary Hamel
2. Journalist Thomas Friedman
3. Author and Journalist Malcolm Gladwell
4. Former Microsoft CEO Bill Gates
5. Harvard psychology professor Daniel Goleman

Each of these thinkers has done their share to change the way we "do" business. But rather than focusing on how they've changed business, we must focus on what this shift away from "traditional" gurus means for business.

Examining this trend leads us to many conclusions, but the main reason people are looking to unconventional gurus is because "time-strapped managers are hungry for easily digestible advice wherever they can find it." That's according to Thomas H. Davenport, a management professor at Babson College and the compiler of the ranking.

Today's most pressing business concerns include weighty issues like globalization, innovation, and motivation. Rather than relying on didactic, esoteric business theories and policies, managers are looking for easily digestible, yet still profound, pieces of advice. And they've found it in these not-so-run-of-the-mill advisers.

This new culture of gurus presents managers with a win-win situation. Because each business-expert comes from a different walk of life, people are getting a broader range of information. Each brings with them a special qualification or knowledge in a particular area that provides a more eclectic pool of information.

One dynamic missing in this pool, however, is women. Not one woman made it in the list of the Wall Street Journal's top 20. The lack of a woman's presence proves that there is another pressing business issue to be understood, namely, diversity. If you'd like to help solve our nation's diversity issues, I recommend you check out some of my boss Karen Salmansohn's unconventional business books -- which you can see in the book section on this site. Buy a few not only for yourself but friends -- and you will be doing your part to help to make sure there might be a woman business thinker on that list next year in WSJ!

Holley Simmons Reporting!

Word to the Wise

2008-05-06T16:02:00.002-04:00

cloy–verb
1. to weary by an excess of food, sweetness, pleasure, etc.; surfeit; satiate.
2. to become uninteresting or distasteful through overabundance.

You've no doubt heard that quote "Everything in moderation."

That includes chocolate, beer, love, and, yes, broccoli.

Even things which are good for us become our worst enemy when consumed in mass quantities. It's essential to cut ourselves off at an acceptable point before our consumption takes a toll on us.

In addition to being bad for us, certain surpluses can lead to a lack off interest in what once used to excite us. Like the 2nd definition of today's "Word to the Wise" suggests, we become uninterested due to this overabundance.

For example, I love dumplings. You wrap anything up in a tight little won ton wrapper and I'll eat it. One night, I tried my hand at my own home-made pork dumplings-75 of them.

By the time I got to my 25th dumpling (I'm not kidding you…) I felt nauseous. I gave the rest to friends and vowed to never make them on my own again to avoid the same gluttony.

Funny thing is, though, I haven't been able to eat them at all ever since. What once brought joy to my life, now caused not only sickness but dullness. Since dumplings had always been a periodic treat for me, over-loading myself with so many at once really ruined any further experiences.

Dumplings are a silly example, but they're representative of what happens to us when we put all of our interest in one metaphorical won ton wrapper. Whether it be a new love interest who we're infatuated with, or a shirt of ours we wear constantly because it accentuates our hips nicely, we're bound to grow out of that initial feeling of yearning.

Under some circumstances, however, I can see how superfluity can be healthy. After a break-up, happiness lies at the bottom of that quart of Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby. Working hard in order to save up for a fabulous set of bed sheets is totally commendable, considering you've earned it.

So in conclusion, perhaps we should add a flourish to that much talked about sentiment and start to say... "Everything in moderation...INCLUDING moderation."

Holley Simmons Reporting!

There's no "Friend" in Business

2008-05-01T17:33:00.007-04:00

Can bosses be too nice?

According to an article by David Koeppel on Portfolio.com a boss needs to be a little bossy to succeed at the workplace.

Indeed, 9 out of 10 workplace problems are caused by the lack of engagement on the part of a manager.

Rather than being an effective leader, some managers play so much nicey-nice wanting to be everyone's friend - and in the process wind up avoiding important managerial duties like criticism, feedback, employee guidance, reprimanding an employee when they've failed, and confronting a worker when they haven't met set goals or expectations.

These kinds of dialogues are imperative for an office and it's output to be effective. Unfortunately, when managers fail to have them, they're often conducted by a less qualified person.

Also... one of the big roles of a manager is to direct and oversee the final products of an office. If this final goal remains unclear and unstated because a boss is playing nicey-nice, then mixed signals and misinterpretations will occur -- creating a hodgepodge of what everyone thinks they're supposed to be doing.

Plus, if an employee is faltering at work and they don't know it, how can they ever improve? Without someone to boldly tell them how they can make themselves a better worker, they will be forever stuck in a stagnant pool of mediocrity.

Ditto in relationships.

Being disengaged in a love relationship – trying to play so nicey-nice that you stop being authentic and communicative -- is also a surefire way to ensure a relationship's demise. A disengaged nicey-nice partner will wind up coming off as bored and disinterested, which in turn rubs off on the people around them.

So try to make sure you're not playing nicey-nice with those around you. And if you're not -- but you know someone who is -- be sure not to be too nicey- nice about it -- and instead confront them with helpful, instructive ways that they can improve.

Holley Simmons Reporting!

Trophy Lives

2008-04-28T09:24:00.002-04:00

You've seen at least one. Maybe you've been one. A totally mismatched couple -- where the woman is sexy and beautiful, and the man is balding and nerdy.

This no doubt happens conversely. Not that men date balding women. But I confess I've also seen many a gorgeous man with a so-so woman. For the purpose of this article, however, I'm simply intrigued by the notion of women who have the upper-hand in the looks department, and rather than date a hottie choose a nottie.

Why do these babes choose this way? In an article from www.livescience.com, Jeanna Bryner explains what was once thought to be an act of desperation or a lack of confidence is now being interpreted as a strategic decision.

Relationships where women are better looking than their male mates are shown to fare better in the long-run.

It's like this: Consistent research shows men place a greater emphasis on beauty than women. Men even equate relationship satisfaction with the attractiveness of their mates. To some men, beautiful women serve as justification that they're desirable. They feel like the envy of all their friends because such a good-looking woman has chosen to settle down with only them.

On the other hand, research shows women are more interested in relationships where they feels emotionally supported. In a study assessing 82 newlyweds, researchers videotaped each spouse as they discussed with their partner a personal problem for 10 minutes. The tapes were then analyzed for whether partners were supportive of spouses' issues. A group of trained "coders" rated the facial attractiveness of each spouse on a scale from 1 to 10, with the perfect 10 representing the ultimate babe. About a third of the couples had a more attractive wife, a third a more attractive husband and the remaining partners showed matching looks.

Overall, wives and husbands behaved more positively when the woman was better looking.

The finding "seems very reasonable," said Dan Ariely, a professor of behavioral economics at MIT's Program in Media Arts and Sciences and Sloan School of Management. "Men are very sensitive to women's attractiveness. Women seem to be sensitive to men's height and salary."

Personally, I agree that physical attractiveness is important in a relationship, but I don't think it's paramount to a couple's "survival rate." After all, beauty fades - but a bad personality is forever. You need to find someone with whom you ALWAYS feel a connection, regardless of looks. Plus, who said you can't be attractive AND supportive? This issue can't be looked at in such a black or white manner.

Also, I can't imagine women are the only sex looking for support. Aren't there just as many men out there looking for emotional support and reassurance?

Chemistry between two people is determined by many factors -- so why bother putting such a large emphasis on looks?

Holley Simmons reporting!

A New Kind of Therapy: Reality TV

2008-04-26T08:55:00.003-04:00

Think reality television and you may instantly assume “junk” or “trashy.” Filled with “real” people who want to be the next great singer or D- list celeb, many shows are a waste of that precious commodity called “free time.”

Yet, a new phenomenon is sweeping reality TV. According to James Poniewozik in his article “Reality TV Wants to Heal You” more shows are overtly -- or covertly -- about mental makeovers.

Instead of merely focusing on the misadventures of affluent, sex-obsessed shallow hotties, they’re focusing on inspiring and helping real people achieve important life goals. Even stars like Oprah have jumped on the reality TV train to help promote charities and emphasize the importance of giving back.

Pick an issue that Americans are facing today, and there is most likely a show dedicated to curing it. The Biggest Loser helps coach weight loss. MTV’s Made aims to give outcast kids self-confidence. Plus, there are shows for socially challenged nerds, out of control kids, and addicts in need of intervention. All these shows have a positive psychology benefit. They emotionally connect with viewers on a deep heart level – reminding folks that a “can do” attitude results in positive change.

Poniewozik admits that perceiving “Reality TV” as “Good-For-You TV” might seem contradictory at first. But when you think about it, the reality genre has from the get-go always been dealing with troubled relationships, self esteem issues, and personal problems.

Poniewozik points out that from Survivor to American Idol, reality’s premise has always been that what does not get you eliminated makes you stronger!

And even a show like What Not to Wear is more than just a mere fashionista manifesta. The show truly emotionally connects with the all too many tired, disgruntled women of this world who so desperately need motivation to do something good for themselves, too.

The common thread on all these shows: There are no external circumstances you cannot overcome by improving your internal attitude. You might vie to get into those skinny jeans. Or perhaps your goal is a perfect marriage. Anywhichway, the “yes” attitude these shows promote and applaud is the secret to getting where you want to go. And it’s an inspiring reminder to watch others struggle and win!

Now, I’m not suggesting you set your DVR to tape every reality show available and have a marathon weekend. Pick and choose what interests you, and you will soon receive your mini dose of therapy and inspiration (and a good laugh).

Nisha Kumar reporting!

Our "Word to the Wise" series continues...

2008-04-24T13:23:00.004-04:00

per·spi·cu·i·ty [pur-spi-kyoo-i-tee]
–noun
clearness or lucidity, as of a statement.

Sometimes when we have strong feelings about an issue, it's difficult to express ourselves eloquently, especially to the person who caused these feelings. We fall back on stonewalling, manipulative double-speak or even passive aggressive behavior.

But these actions, or more appropriately inactions, only leave us in a worse state.

The best thing to do when someone does something that upsets us is to LET THEM KNOW! How on earth else will they know how we're feeling? Just because we feel strongly about an issue, doesn't mean the intensity is reciprocated.

Take for example, a relationship in which the woman wants to move things forward to exclusivity. Rather than just coming out and saying, "You know, I'm very interested in you and am wondering how you feel about making this relationship more serious", she instead tells the other person she's going on a date, just to see their reaction and stir up feelings of jealousy.

Unfortunately, this "double-speak-zero-truth-speak" might wind up leading their love interest to interpret the date as a sign that the woman is not interested in being exclusive. They, in turn, make plans with another woman to counter-act. Oh how that backfired!

The truth is, if we're close enough with someone to share our feelings with them, then we should be close enough to tell them the absolute truth. This rule applies to romantic relationships, sexual relationships, relationships with our parents, co-workers,…The list goes on and on.

Honesty really IS the best policy. Although it's difficult at times to put ourselves out there and make ourselves vulnerable, it's absolutely necessary if we want relationships filled with understanding and compassion - and true joyous intimacy.

We should never be afraid to say what we want. Otherwise, we might never get it, dammit!

Holley Simmons reporting!

Fighting With Your Sweetie?

2008-04-24T10:36:00.006-04:00

How's your love life these days? Is there still loving love in your relationship?

If your sweetie did something…well, unsweet, and youre upset... remember how you talk and listen to each other, will determine whether or not you remain with each other.
Darlene Mininni, Phd, author of the book THE EMOTIONAL TOOLKIT, has some helpful tips to make sure your honest conversations don’t become your last conversations.

1. Begin difficult conversations WITHOUT criticism. According to Gottman’s research from The Love Lab, 96% of the time you can predict how a conversation will end based on its first three minutes. So make sure you don’t start out BLAMING – or calling the person an uncaring person. If you do, then your sweetie will spend more time defending themselves, than attending to your needs and feelings. Instead, explain how the situation affects you – affects your feelings, values, goals. After your talk, your sweetie should then repeat back how they hear what you feel, so they can fully empathise – be in your shoes, head, heart -- thereby increasing their listening and empathy power – which will increase your ability to find a loving solution power!

2. Don’t try to convince your sweetie you are right and they are wrong. When you feel attacked by your sweetie’s actions/words, it’s normal to want to defend yourself - to explain all the reasons why you are right and your sweetie is wrong. Whether your tone is loving or combative, the underlying thinking is the same: “Once your sweetie realizes how wrong they are, they will change!” Guess what? It ain’t so! So stop trying to focus on winning your arguments. Instead try to focus on having a winning relationship! How? Try talking in “I” sentences instead of “you” sentences – so you speak more about how you feel. (And NO.. “I think you are a jerk is NOT an example of an “I” statement!) Your goal is to get your sweetie to EMPATHISE with you. So forget about facts. Keep staying with your feelings, values, dreams. From this place of empathy, perhaps your sweetie will better hear you -- and thereby want to find a way to take care of your needs and feelings (aka: want to change their evil ways!).

3. When you’re angry, calm yourself before you begin communicating. Although studies show that yelling is better than stonewalling, because at least it’s about intimately connecting with your sweetie, and showing you care enough to want to deal with the problem at hand – alas, yelling has its share of problems as well. Studies show that when people rant and yell, they just get angrier. The best strategy: Wait until you’ve calmed down to speak to your sweetie. Interesting factoid: If you and/or your sweetie’s heartbeat becomes higher than 100 beats per minute during an argument, you will not be able to fully hear what the other person is saying. This physical reason alone is good reason not to yell – as it will only stymie your attempts to communicate, frustrating you further. Also, studies show that a strong emotion like anger literally interferes with your ability to think rightly. When you’re angry parts of your brain’s processing become blocked, and it’s literally more difficult to think clearly and solve problems. Keep in mind a ditty Einstein once said: "The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level thinking we were at when we created them."

4. Never share important conversations by emailing back and forth. Or texting. (Yes some couples talk about important issues by text!). You need to sit in the same room, and if possible hold each other's hands as you have your difficult conversations. This sense of touch will keep you reminded about your goal: to share a loving, empathic conversation.

5. After a conflict, you need to put in the effort of repair. Gottman suggests you need a ratio of 5 to 1 nice/nasty moments- that's 5 nice moments to 1 nasty moment. After a conflict, send loving emails, do loving gestures, share what you love and appreciate about each other out loud -- or in quiet, sexy whispers.

6. Don't obsess about the past. Once a disagreement or difficult situation has occurred, and you've talked empathically about, do not ruminate about it. Forgive and forget. What you should be focusing on after your talk is: Does my sweetie want to change so this conflict does not repeat. If your sweetie is putting in the effort of change -- then, well, your sweetie truly is a sweetie, and you should let them know how much you appreciate their efforts

Word To The Wise... Our Good Words To Live By Series Continues

2008-04-18T13:46:00.003-04:00

Today's "Word to the Wise" is one that hits pretty close to home for me;

abulia \uh-BOO-lee-uh; uh-BYOO-\, noun:
Loss or impairment of the ability to act or to make decisions.

I chronically suffer from lack of ability to make decisions, whether it be what to order for dinner or what job offer to take.

I imagine many other people have this problem, so I'd like to try and get to the root of it.

Perhaps people take a long time/find it impossible to make decisions because they are worried the choice they make is utterly permanent.

I worry that if I order the chicken pot pie, and it turns out to be disgusting, there's nothing I can do about it and must eat the whole thing. Or I'm concerned if I take this job because it pays well, but I end up hating it, that I'm stuck in it because I have no other choice.

But we must remember that there's a solution to everything. If you don't like the chicken, send it back and order something else. If you hate the job, put in your resignation and start looking for another one. Life's too short to be choking down things you're not in love with.

It's important to know, however, that the quicker you get out of a bad decision the better. If you let yourself steep in it, you will then get too involved and your optimum chances to change your situation will slip away like sand through your fingers.

Making decision comes down to one thing; knowing what you want. Although it sounds simple enough, it's incredibly hard to pin down what you think will make you happiest in the long run. What you're interested in right now might not be the same thing in five years, or hell, even five minutes.

I find it helpful to live in the now. That way, you're always happiest. Don't stress about the future too much, because there are always ways to fix a problem.

Your decisions are not as permanent as you may think. And that's enough to put me at ease--at least until dinner tonight.

Holley Simmons reporting!

Wake Up!

2008-04-14T09:31:00.002-04:00

There are two kinds of people in this world; those who drink tea and those who drink coffee.

Tea drinkers wake up early so that they can reflect in their journals about the dreams they just had while sipping a cup of chamomile.

Coffee drinkers wait till the last possible second to sleep, jump out of bed, and read the newspaper on the way out the door while being scorched by dripping java.

Regardless of what you drink, chances are you could use a little help getting out of bed. Here "Dumb Little Man", the weekly life style blog, outlines 7 tips to help you burst out of bed quicker than you can say "carpe diem."

1. Consistency

Once you find a time that works with and for your internal clock, stick to it. The natural rhythms of our body respond to routine, so by setting your alarm for the same exact time every morning you will be training your body to react quickly. Soon enough, you may not even need an alarm!

2. Have a Big Breakfast

Eating bigger portions during the morning provides our bodies with the fuel we need to function throughout the day. Not only does eating breakfast increase your metabolism, but it also has been proven to improve the thought process. Conversely, try eating lighter at nighttime. Going to sleep on a mostly empty stomach allows your body to take its focus away from digestion and put it towards repairing and rejuvenating other cells.

3. Find something to get out of Bed For

Live every day like it's Christmas morning. Try and focus on things that you'll be happy to get out of bed for, like a great job, a cute pet, or a new exercise routine designed to make you look good. Basically, find things that mean more to you than a little more shuteye.

4. Plan Your Day

Nothing says you've got things to do like a tangible list. By keeping track of the tasks that need to be met, you're setting mini goals for yourself. The best time to do something is NOW, not in five minutes, not tomorrow, but now.

5. Water Water Everywhere

Water is H2 Oh so important to a good night's sleep. Drinking a glass of water before going to bed will serve in your body's natural rejuvenation process. Also, a glass of water in the morning jump-starts your mind and body.

6. Work that Booty

By exerting energy through exercise, you are making yourself tired. So when it comes time to go to bed, you'll fall asleep easier and more relaxed. This relaxation will last all night until the morning, when you'll actually feel rested and ready to attack the day.

7. All about You

Figure out what little thing makes you happiest, and find a way to incorporate it into your morning routine. Whether it be meditation or rock music, develop a 5-minute exercise you can do for instant gratification.

I know it can be hard sometimes to spring out of bed, but you have to remember that life is short. How do you want to remember it…between the covers or between adventures?

Holley Simmons Reporting!

Are you suffering from the “career blahs"?

2008-04-14T07:26:00.004-04:00

Are you suffering from the “career blahs"? If so, the probable two root causes of your dissatisfaction are boredom and burnout -- according to Charley Buck, author of the new book Escape the Mid-Career Doldrums.

For example...

Boredom creates the blahs because of...

Lack of Intellectual Challenge
No Chance to Use Your Creativity
A Misfit Between You and the Job
Not Enough To Do

Burnout creates the blahs because of...

suffering from “Perfectionist Syndrome”
feeling overworked
feeling your boss is a jerk!

Chances are your "career blahs" are created by an intertwining potpouri of a few of the above. But whatever the specific cause, consider implementing some of the following common cures.

Cures for the common boredom....

Enhance the Job: Most people possess more control over their jobs than they realize; they have the chance to infuse their jobs with greater challenge, meaning and fun. It sounds obvious, but many people fail to ask their bosses for a tougher or more interesting assignment.

Change jobs within the company or change companies: If you feel there’s a major disconnect between you and your job or that you’ve been unhappy in your position for a long time, then a major change may be necessary.

Find more interesting activities outside of your job: Too often people who are bored at work let boredom permeate their lives. If you’re bored at work because you lack intellectual challenge or enough to do, it might be time to look elsewhere for stimulation.

Cures for common burn out

Take a Break: It may be that you need anything from a long weekend to a longer vacation to a leave of absence in order to relieve the pressure you’re under. Sometimes a day mid-week spent out of the office can work wonders.

Establish Boundaries: In other words, draw a figurative line in the sand and tell yourself that you will not do work or even think about it during certain times of the day and in certain places. With the advent of IM, Blackberries, cell phones and numerous other technologies, we sometimes find it hard to tell when we’re on the job and when we’re OFF.

A Juicy Happiness Lesson

2008-04-13T10:02:00.006-04:00

Have you taken a look at some of those newfangled juice names: Get Smart Juice, Passion Power, Energy Hound, Hocus Focus, B- Relaxed, D-Stress.

So many juices promising so many benefits!

But nobody makes Compassion Cocktail or Niceness Nectar! Nobody makes a juice which makes you nicer or more considerate, offers up the potential for building up a bigger, warmer heart!

I know what you’re thinking: Maybe the manufacturers just can’t make it!

But, I’m betting if there were money to be made in Compassion Cocktail or Niceness Nectar, companies would find a way to make that juice.

Besides, are you really sure any of those other juices (like Passion Power and Hocus Focus) work anyway?

And yet you buy them, just for the hope they will help.

The harsh truth is companies would never even bother to put in the research to create a Compassion Cocktail or a Niceness Nectar, because they have a corporate sense that niceness, compassion and consideration are just not valued enough in this world to sell to the masses!

Which kind of explains much of the mess our world is in globally. And why people are so unhappy personally.

Kindness, compassion and consideration are key TRUE HAPPINESS DETERMINATORS, right on up there with having high self esteem and sharing intimate connections with others. Which makes sense, because the kinder you are in life, the more you raise your self esteem and the more you increase your connections with others.

Plus, here are some other quickie quirky facts on the perks of kindness...

University of Michigan reported nice is healthier. Older Americans who provide support to others, either through volunteer work or simply by being a good friend and neighbor, had a 60 percent lower rate of premature death than their unhelpful peers.

University of Toronto reported that nice is luckier in love. People who are low key and congenial have one half the divorce rate of the general population.

Malcolm Gladwell in his book Blink reported that nice spends less time in court. Doctors who had never been sued spoke to their patients for an average of three minutes longer than physicians who had been sued twice or more.

And according to positive psychology professor and author Martin Seligman, the biggest feelings of happiness come from leading “a meaningful life," using personal strengths to be of kindly, altruistic service.

In an experiment called "Philanthropy versus Fun," Seligman divided his psychology students so some engaged in pleasurable activities (going to the movies, eating yummy ice cream) and the others did philanthropic activities (volunteering at a soup kitchen, reading to the blind).

Guess what?

The happiness afterglow of the fun was nada compared to the lasting happiness of doing altruistic acts.

Meaning?

Doing good for others will also make you feel good—and, according to Seligman, your highest level of feel-good.

Your Assignment: Today be aware of doing small kindnesses to others. Give an extra smile, sweet gesture, warm compliment, generous favor. Also, ask your self what loving deed can you do? How can you help those in greater need? Consider getting involved with a charity where you can make an ongoing contribution.

The Positive Effects Of A Sinking Economy

2008-04-10T10:49:00.008-04:00

I love discovering new voices -- and being a mentor to blooming young writers. With this in mind, I'd like to introduce Nisha Kumar. Here's her first post on my blog -- about a fascinating editorial from the NY Times -- all about the positive affects of a sinking ecomony. Take it away, Nisha...

......

Thanks, Karen!

In a time where messages of recession, war, and conflict have been flooding our news, I was happy to discover a happy editorial spin on world events in the NY Times – about the positive effects of our sinking economy.

This surprisingly upbeat editorial was called “Tighten Your Belt, Strengthen Your Mind” and was written by Sandra Aamodt and Sam Wang.

The cliff notes in one sentence: They explain how restraining your consumer spending may actually help you achieve other goals in your life.

Admittedly, at first glance, their theory may sound like a sham – as if by the end of their piece they’re going to convince you to purchase a software package for $99.99. But no. They’re serious – and offer serious studies to back up their theory.

Aamodt and Wang explained how the brain has a limited capacity of self-regulation, but by practicing the control of your willpower, your willpower capacity can actually increase.

Meaning? If during “lean times” you exercise self-control and curb your instinct to spend or indulge in things you don't really need, you will then be strengthening your willpower and your mind for other important goals in your life.

For example, if you can get yourself to resist having that latte from Starbucks every morning -- you will not only save money – but your willpower muscles will be strengthened just that wee bit more – thereby perhaps motivating you to finally sign up for that Italian class – pronto!

Basically, every person has (1) short term willpower capability and (2) long term willpower capability.

(1) Your short-term willpower requires making small adjustments in order to help you reach smaller goals in your life. And little by little the more you display just a little willpower the more your short-term willpower increases.

(2) Your long-term will power is used for the bigger and tougher goals and obstacles in your life. And the way the brain is structured, it helps if you take on one big goal at a time in order to use your willpower to its maximum. Once you are able to achieve your first goal, it should then be easier to conquer your second -- and so on.

The happy news: Eventually, your brain grows accustomed to tapping into both techniques of self control, and thus over time it becomes easier to focus on doing more positive habits which lead to greater success.

Aamodt and Wang mention how increasing willpower capacity can even begin with something as simple as brushing your teeth for two weeks with your non-dominant hand. This personally chosen shift will eventually increase your willpower muscles, and help you gain control over those other irascible parts of your life which you know you’ve been needing to show a little self-control over.

Pretty amazing stuff, huh?

Personally I loved hearing how I might spin-doctor our looming and gloomy world economic recession in to a potential time of personal growth and greater life success.

On that note, I'm off to brush my teeth with my left hand.

Nisha Kumar reporting!

Cancer Made an Optimist Out of Me

2008-04-10T10:02:00.005-04:00

Jen Singer wrote to me -- and I was deeply touched and inspired by her story of how she bounced back stronger, wiser, happier from cancer -- and so I am sharing her story below.

If you have an inspiring "bounce back story" you want to share, please write to me. My email is my first name with that little "a" thingie then notsalmon with com preceded by a dot. (Sorry, trying to avoid spam spiders!)

I am definitely looking for inspiring bounce back stories because in May/June I have a new book coming out - THE BOUNCE BACK BOOK - with a red rubber cover on the outside and inside tips on how to thrive in the face of adversity, setbacks, losses, rejection, failure, illness, divorce, assault, bankrupcy - you name it.

I will be visiting 15 cities -- and would love to meet you when on on tour.

And please write to me and share your motivational stories of bouncing back --and I will post them on this site to share with others -- so your story will help folks have true hope that no matter what happens in life, the best is truly yet to come!

Okay...with this in mind, here's Jen Singer...Take it away, Jen!

.....

Cancer Made an Optimist Out of Me

I was always a sort-of glass-half-empty kind of person. If I didn’t get my hopes up too high, I thought, the subsequent rejection, defeat or disappointment wouldn’t hurt as much.

And then I got cancer.

I had four chapters left to write of my book, You’re a Good Mom (and Your Kids Aren’t So Bad Either) when I found out I had an aggressive form of non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I would undergo chemotherapy, with two of the six rounds as grueling five-day infusions in the hospital where my 82-year-old roommate would stop by my bed to shake her head and lament, “So young. So young.” I was 40, and I had a cancer most common in 65-year-old men.

I could have ditched the book and hidden all summer while other people cooked for my family and took care of my kids, but I didn’t. I’m still not exactly sure why. I know that it was important to “stay strong for the kids,” as people had advised me. Frankly, I just didn’t want to be the one to ruin their childhood. So, we watched HGTV together and played board games – ironically, the game of Life.

When my doctor told me our goal was to cure me of cancer, I went into overdrive. As the well wishes, flowers, brownies and dinners rolled in, I felt like Luke Skywalker in that scene in Star Wars where everybody scrambles into X-fighters and the Millennium Falcon to go take on the Evil Empire. Together, we were going to destroy the Death Star. I was going to put up a fight.

By the time I finished chemo and then radiation last fall, my glass had gone from half-empty to half-full.

“You handled it better than everyone around you,” my brother told me at lunch one day in December.

A few weeks later, I got the news: I was in remission. Goodbye, Death Star.

But remission is not a cure, and I’ve got PET scans every three months this year and plenty of blood tests, check-ups and fear. I’ve got a one in four chance of recurrence, and yet, I feel hopeful. Even if it does come back, I’m going to put up a fight – again.

For now, I’m busy with my book signings and media appearances for my new book – the one I finished in the chemo chair – which was published this month. Cancer, it seems, made an optimist out of me. Maybe it doesn’t matter why.

-- Jen Singer
author of You’re a Good Mom (and Your Kids Aren’t So Bad Either) and the creator of MommaSaid.net. She blogs about parenting and cancer for Good Housekeeping.com and Yahoo Shine. Check out her book trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRMwuaHi2S4

Word to the Wise

2008-04-09T16:23:00.004-04:00

I’ve loved today’s “Word to the Wise” word for a very long time.

cor•us•cate [kawr-uh-skeyt]
–verb (used without object), -cat•ed, -cat•ing.
to emit vivid flashes of light; sparkle; scintillate; gleam.

To me, this word is the epitome of a happy person; someone so radiantly cheerful that they emit light and “sparkle.”

Do you or someone in your life fit this description? You damn well should, because happiness is contagious. The attitude you exude rubs off on people whether you realize it or not.

It’s important to get in the habit of being happy, and as hard as that sounds, I’m here to offer you some easy to use tips that will lead you to your happiness peaks!

1. Smile Often
Nothing softens a bad mood like the turning up of your lips. Even if you feel silly doing it, it will at least get your mind off of whatever’s bugging you.

2. Project
Sometimes the things that make us angry are petty and inconsequential. Ask yourself, “Is this worth getting upset over? How will my life be affected by this tomorrow morning? How about in ten years? Chances are if it doesn’t have a lasting effect, there’s no point holding onto that anger in the first place.

3. Put things in Perspective
You may be mad, for example, that traffic is making you late, but I guarantee there’s someone in the traffic jam in a worst off position that you are. While you’re just stuck trying to get home to watch the news, there could be someone running late for a doctor’s appointment to check on his or her biopsy results. This is sad and depressing to think about, but often times being selfless helps us get in touch with ourselves.

4. Write down your thoughts
Someone at work getting on your nerves? Rather than reaming them out, write a little letter to them, and never send it. Or send it if you think it will help. Basically, writing down your emotions is a healthy exercise in getting to the source of your aggressions.

These tips are far from demanding. Instead, they are just a few little tweaks you can institute into your daily life to ensure a coruscating attitude.

Holley Simmons Reporting!

Breaking Hearts is Not a Game

2008-04-07T14:34:00.003-04:00

While discussing relationships the other day, a friend of mine told me she was in desperate need of a “monkey bar.”

Perplexed, I asked her what she was talking about.

“You know when you’re in a relationship that’s just so-so, but you haven’t found anything better to move onto? Well a monkey bar is that someone who you leave the other person for. It’s like the monkey bars on a playground. You never take your one hand off the previous bar until you’ve got your other hand on the next bar.”

This analogy made perfect sense to me. I started thinking about other ways the games we play in relationships are similar to the games we played on the playground.

To wit;

Tag…You’re it!

The proverbial chase is a tale as old as time. You run after someone playing hard to get, and the second you actually reach them, you completely lose interest and start to run away. That’s because the chase is often more exciting than the actual prize. Try to avoid this game because it always ends ugly, with scraped knees and bruised egos.

Emotional See Saw

One day you’re inseparable, the next you want to administer heavy doses of rat poisoning. The human emotion system is a complex one, and the feelings we experience today are not dependent on how we felt yesterday. Same goes for sexual urges. As time goes on, the sexual excitement has a tendency to leave the relationship despite your hardest efforts.

Swing Set

One person pushes their partner away, yet they come right back to them like clockwork. Rather than knowing when to give up, some people are either oblivious (or in denial) of signs they’re in a bad relationship. Chances are if the person you’re with keeps pushing you away, there’s no reason for you to remain their emotional punching bag. Wise up and move on.

Take a minute to think of these and other adult-games that we play in our relationships, and ask yourself if they’re as fun as you think. Chances are they’re not.

The sign of a healthy relationship is one where we don’t keep score. Thoughts like “I called him last so now it’s his turn” and “He texted me 5 minutes ago, but I’m going to wait a couple hours so it looks like I’m not waiting for him” are immature and petty. If you want to call him, pick up the phone! Don’t deny your urges just because you don’t want to come off desperate. Put yourself out there, and you might be surprised what you get back.

And if what you get back isn’t good enough, there’s always someone else willing to play with you.

Holley Simmons Reporting!

What's your tail of happiness?

2008-04-04T16:17:00.002-04:00

Once upon a time there was a small, happy little dog who loved to wag his tail and be playful and adoring with others. This happy little dog heard about a wonderful house with lots of other doggies. He decided to visit.

The happy doggie found The House up on nearby hillside. He bounced happily up the stairs to the doorway and when he peeked inside he saw a bunch of other doggies.

The happy doggie's ears instantly lifted high and his tail began to wag as fast as it could.

To his great surprise, the happy doggie found himself staring at 1000 other happy little doggies, each with their tails wagging just as fast as his.

He smiled a great big smile, and was answered with 1000 great big smiles â€“ each just as warm and friendly as his.

As he left The House, the happy doggie thought: Wow! That was fun! What a wonderful place. I must come back and visit often!

Meanwhile, in this same village, there lived another little doggie, who was not quite as happy as the first one. In fact this doggie was often seen trudging around mournfully, hanging his tail low, growling at passerbys.

This mournful doggie also decided to visit The House on the hillside.

He slowly climbed the stairs and as he peered into the doorway, he hung his head low and protectively growled.

Inside he saw 1000 unfriendly looking dogs, each staring back at him. He growled at them and was horrified to see 1000 little dogs growling back at him.

As he left, he thought: Wow! That is a horrible place. I will never go back there again!

Basically, wherever you go there you are, reflected in all you see around you.

The world is a world of mirrors.

The reflections you see in the faces of the people you meet are often a reflection of your mood and lens on the world.

Today if you feel the urge to growl at someone, think about that little growling doggie and what he received back.

Instead of growling, ask yourself: What would LOVE do in this moment?

Albert Einstein said: We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

I say: Most of the problems in your life were created by not being in a place of love energy - and instead being in a place of anger/hate/resentment energy. If you want to solve your problems, you must change your energy to a loving energy, and keep asking yourself: What would LOVE do in this moment?

And...if you consistently see growling angry MIRRORS around you, think about this tale of those wagging tails.

Force yourself to wag a bit more merrily at others.

Build up those tail wagging muscles, dammit, and you will see a change in all you see!

Give it to Me

2008-04-02T13:06:00.003-04:00

Does this sound like good sex to you;

"Oooh baby. Boost it. Oh yeah, that's right. Boost my immune system."

Well it should, considering the many health benefits that healthy sex brings.

As if you needed another excuse, Web MD offers you 10 scientifically proven reasons why you should head to the bedroom after reading this article.

1. Sexed Out, Not Stressed Out

Because sex is proven to lower blood pressure, it reduces a person's over all stress level and risk of heart disease. Researchers from Scotland studied 24 women and 22 men who kept records of their sexual activity. Then the researchers subjected them to stressful situations -- such as speaking in public and doing verbal arithmetic -- and noted their blood pressure response to stress.

Those who had intercourse had better responses to stress than those who engaged in other sexual behaviors or abstained.

The next time you have sex, I dare you to worry about your laundry, and that report your boss is asking for, and how messy the apartment is, and how there's no food in the fridge, etc. etc. Sex acts as a distracter and helps you get all these stressful things off your mind.

2. Immunity booster

Having healthy sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A or IgA, which can protect you from getting colds and other infections.

Now doesn't "Kiss me" have a better ring to it than "Tissue me?"

3. Burn Baby Burn

Consider this;

A 135 pound woman burns 82 calories climbing stairs for 10 minutes. That same 135 pound woman burns 86 calories having sex for 20 minutes.

Which climax would you prefer-the one offered at the top of a staircase or the one achieved during sex? I thought so.

4. Stroke It

There's good news for anyone older who worries that sex might strain his or her heart. In a study published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, scientists found no direct link between the frequency of sex and the occurrence of stroke in the 914 men they followed for 20 years.

The researchers also found that having sex twice or more a week reduced the risk of fatal heart attack by half for the men, compared with those who had sex less than once a month.

5. Does this Position Make my Butt Look Big?

Knowing that you've pleased yourself and your partner does a hell of a lot for your self esteem.

Sex, family and marriage therapist Gina Ogden, PhD finds that those who already have self-esteem say they sometimes have sex to feel even better. "One of the reasons people say they have sex is to feel good about themselves," she tells WebMD. "Great sex begins with self-esteem, and it raises it. If the sex is loving, connected, and what you want, it raises it."

They don't call it SEX-y for nothing. Let lose. Go wild. Get what you want, and you're bound to reach your emotional and sexual peaks.

6. There's no "Me" in Intimacy

Having orgasms increases levels of the hormone oxytocin, which is the so-called love hormone that helps us bond and build trust. Likewise, higher oxytocin levels have been linked with feelings of generosity.

7. Turn "Ow" into "Ooh"

As the hormone oxytocin surges, endorphins increase, and pain declines.

In a study published in the Bulletin of Experimental Biology and Medicine, 48 volunteers who inhaled oxytocin vapor and then had their fingers pricked lowered their pain threshold by more than half.

Now go do some prick-ing of your own.

8. Ejacu-lately?

According to Australian researchers, frequent ejaculations, especially in 20-something men, may reduce the risk of prostate cancer later in life.

But they found men who had five or more ejaculations weekly while in their 20s reduced their risk of getting prostate cancer later by a third.

9. Leggo my Kegel

For women, doing a few pelvic floor muscle exercises known as Kegels during sex offers a couple of benefits. You will enjoy more pleasure, and you'll also strengthen the area and help to minimize the risk of incontinence later in life.

To do a basic Kegel exercise, tighten the muscles of your pelvic floor, as if you're trying to stop the flow of urine. Count to three, then release.

10. ZZzzzzZZZzzzz

All this talk about sex is making me sleepy. And it should. According to research, the oxytocin released during orgasm also promotes sleep.

And getting enough sleep has been linked with a host of other good things, such as maintaining a healthy weight and blood pressure.

Overall, we need to understand sex as a way to get closer with a person to whom we feel attracted, emotionally or physically. So these 10 findings serve as additional benefits to the physical act of love. And if nothing else, give you one hell of a rebuttal to the old "head-ache" excuse.

Holley Simmons Reporting!

Win The Metaphorical Life Happiness Lottery!

2008-04-01T18:23:00.005-04:00

Did you ever notice that when you go away, thats often when you can see your life the clearest, from a distance of a few thousand miles away?

Im now back from Paris, and feeling the opposite of jet lag! I'm more full of clarity and motivation than ever, thanks in part to an inspiring Italian joke which Im excited to share.

How did I come about an Italian joke in Paris?

I was reading Elizabeth Gilberts truly amazing EAT PRAY LOVE on my trip before bedtime, the perfect book to read while traveling, as it inspires you to really use your vacation as spirit restoration.

That Italian Joke:

A poor man goes to church every day and prays before the statue of a great saint, begging, Dear saint, please, please, please, give me the grace to win the lottery!! This lament goes on for months. Finally the exasperated statue comes to life, looks down at the begging man and says in weary disgust: My son, please, please, please, buy a ticket!!

This terrific joke is a reminder to all of us that we must do our part to create our own good luck.

Life is not 100% random destiny. Life is a lively, interactive fusion of destiny AND free will.

The more you tap into this human perk of free will, and do positive "free will" habits, actions which you can control, the more you increase the odds you will be a winner in that metaphorical Life Happiness Lottery!

Reading and thinking about this joke cured me of my jetlag. I'm truly psyched to be back in NYC doing my "free will" part to create my happiest life. And psyched to share my recommended...

"Free Will" Habits To Do List:

1. Think as many positive thoughts as you can. Each positive thought you think is a Happiness Lottery Ticket you're gathering.

2. If you're having trouble being positive, put in the effort to master your negative thoughts by meditating, journaling, working out. Each of those habits are Happiness Lottery Tickets you're gathering. (For added motivation, tell yourself you are Negative Thought Intolerant, the way some people are lactose intolerant. You simply cannot think negative thoughts because they weaken you and make you feel yucky. You can only think positive thoughts which nourish and energize you, and give you better odds of winning that metaphorical Life Happiness Lottery, dammit!)

3. Studies show The Top Three Happiness Determinators are (1) high self esteem, (2) intimate connections with others, and (3) doing acts of altruism. With this in mind, make sure your daily to do list is full of (1) doing actions which you are proud of (2) spending time in intimate conversation/experiences with loved ones (3) spending time giving back to the world in some way. Each of these action items are metaphorical Life Happiness Lottery Tickets youre gathering around you.

4. Control your stimulus-response mechanism, which makes you reactively pick bad choices in the moment, choices which you later regret. Instead decide to gather around you as many "Long Term Happiness Lottery Tickets" which will set you up for life, well into your crickety old age. How? Every day make sure you choose actions which move you towards your long term life fulfillment, instead of only doing easy, lazy, reactive actions, based on your short-term emergency/impulse needs.

5. Nourish your body/mind/spirit with healthy foods, exercise, meditation, sleep, sex, hugging, smiling. The more habits you do from these areas, the more metaphorical Big Ticket Life Happiness Lottery tickets youre gathering.

6. Go on a No Nuts Diet. Remove nutsy crazy-makers from your life. Nutsy crazy-makers lower your odds of winning that metaphorical Life Happiness Lottery. Likewise, surrounding yourself with lots of loving, growth-directed people increases your odds of being a Mega-Happiness Winner!

Remember...each of these "free will" habits are equal to snagging a Happiness Lottery Ticket. The more tickets you gather, the more you stack up the odds that a happy destiny awaits you.

And best of all, each of these "free will" habits are ALL available to EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU, rich or poor, young or old!

So do your part to create your own good luck, starting today!

Hey Baby. What's your Line?

2008-03-28T10:23:00.004-04:00

Anyone who's ever been to a bar and started a conversation with a stranger has either asked or been asked the following:

"So what do you do?"

And that's my all time biggest pet peeve.

What do I do? I do a lot of things. I read, I write, I knit, I cook, and, in addition to helping Karen out, I work for a well recognized media outlet that reaches over 26 million people a week. But is that last fact any more relevant than the others?

Sure you can learn a lot about someone by where they work, but it's not entirely indicative of who they are as a person. So why are we so quick to ask a complete stranger what they do for a living?

Here, I suggest other more intriguing questions to be asked the next time you're out at a social scene:

1. What did you write your college application essay about?
2. If you could be named anything else, which name would you choose?
3. If you were a piece of fruit, what would you be and why? (Just be prepared for them to answer with something sugary so they can tell you how "sweet" they are.)
4. Laser jet or ink jet?
5. Aisle seat or window seat?
6. If you were a bumper sticker, what would you say?
7. What's the hardest word for you to spell or pronounce?
8. Do you believe in ghosts and psychics?
9. What's your favorite funny film?
10. Have you ever read the books of Karen Salmansohn? (Hey -- I'm Karen's assistant, so of course I wanna help plug my boss -- so, why not make her a good conversation starter?!)

Basically, there's nothing more impressive to me than someone who can think on their feet. And asking feisty and surprising questions like these really catches people off guard and leaves them with little or no time to react. So not only will you make a killer first impression, but you'll receive truly candid answers. And that's such a wonderful (if not the only) way to really learn who someone is as a person.

Oh, and P.S. If you're wondering what the answer to yesterday's blog riddle is, it's "Those in Heaven feed each other."

Holley Simmons Reporting!

Word to the Wise

2008-03-27T12:11:00.003-04:00

I’m warning you ahead of time that today’s “Word to the Wise” is quite a tongue twister. But I promise that the actual definition is a lot simpler than the huge word implies.

And here it is;

eleemosynary [el-uh-mos-uh-ner-ee,]
–adjective
1. of or pertaining to alms, charity, or charitable donations; charitable.
2. derived from or provided by charity.

I don’t have to tell you how good it feels to know you’ve made a positive impact on someone. I’m just here to remind you that there are opportunities for contribution everywhere you look.

Charity comes in many forms, and is not necessarily defined by cash donations. So no matter your status, there are tons of ways to be charitable.

For example, if you’re a pro at knitting, why not knit a baby blanket for a local shelter? This costs you little to nothing, but provides a child with warmth he or she might otherwise lack.

Or even less time consuming; why not drop a couple quarters in the parking meter of a stranger the next time you see it is about to expire? Not only will you save the person the hassle of a parking ticket, but you’ll also have good car-ma!

It’s important every now and then to step back in our lives and consider those of others. There are a lot of life lessons to be learned from people you don’t know. If you’re constantly thinking how things will affect ONLY you, how will you ever get to be your optimal self?

All that being said, consider this old Chinese riddle.

A curious man once asked to visit Heaven and Hell. Expecting Hell to be a terrifying and scary place, he was surprised to find people surrounding a table loaded with delicious gourmet food. The man thought, “Perhaps Hell isn’t so bad after all.”

But upon closer examination, the man noticed that the people surrounding the table were miserable. They were starving because, although there was a mountain of food before them, they had been given three foot long chopsticks to eat with. There was no way for them to carry the food to their mouths with such long utensils, and so no one could eat a bite.

The man was then taken to Heaven. To his surprise, he found the exact same situation he had seen in Hell; people surrounding a table piled high with glorious food with only three foot chopsticks to eat it with. But here in Heaven, everyone was plump and happily eating the wonderful food.

How is this possible?

If you’re stumped, tune into tomorrow’s blog where I’ll reveal the answer!

Holley Simmons Reporting!

Got the Blues…and I'm Happy 'Bout It!

2008-03-26T15:36:00.005-04:00

Who knew the key to happiness was sadness all along?

That is, at least to author Eric Wilson. In his new book entitled "Against Happiness-In Praise of Melancholy" Wilson explores ways in which sadness is actually beneficial to achieving happiness.

Wilson states that by recognizing what makes us truly sad, we can pinpoint what makes us equally happy. Likewise, when we allow ourselves to be melancholy, we fully appreciate it when we become joyful.

Say you're having a wonderful day... Your hair looks good. You're feeling skinny. You just finished a great book. Now say you're at work and your boss compliments you on a job well done. Although this feels really good, it's not likely to make a huge impact on your mood -- since you were already in such high spirits.

But now imagine the exact opposite... Your hair belongs in Glamour's "Don't" section. Your jeans won't zipper all the way. The 500 page book you just finished was a complete waste of time. When your boss tells you that you did an excellent job on something, chances are you'll be so much more appreciative to hear something uplifting.

The natural ebb and flow between these polar opposite emotions creates a balanced tension to be happy about.

Wilson argues that today's society is overly-medicated with anti-depression pills and treatments meant as quick-fixes. Rather than accepting these feelings of sadness, we are pumped full of drugs to make them go away. Now in some serious cases, medication is necessary, and he's not suggesting people walk around with unbearable sadness.

However, what if Vincent Van Gogh had been on Prozac? Do you think he could have created masterpieces without the rage and sadness he experienced? And imagine Earnest Hemmingway doped up on Zoloft. Chances are the sun would have set on the "The Sun Also Rises."

More people need to embrace their mild sadness rather than ignoring it. Otherwise, we're doomed to lead a life of unexamined emotions that could be stinting our creativity AND happiness.

Holley Simmons reporting!

Timeless Happiness Truths: A Penny For Lincoln's Thoughts

2008-03-25T11:22:00.005-04:00

Lincoln was not a lucky guy.

At age seven, he was forced to make money for his family.

At nine, his mother passed, forcing him to work even harder.

At twenty Lincoln lost his seemingly stable job as store clerk ... and then by twenty-three he went into debt trying to become partner in a small store.

Three years later, just as his store was picking up speed, his business partner died, leaving him in even more debt.

At twenty-eight, after dating a girl for four years, he got up the gumption to propose. She said no.

Later, when he did eventually marry, his son died at age four.

At thirty-seven, Lincoln was elected to Congress... but... well... that was on his THIRD try. (He then failed to be re-elected. )

At forty-five, Lincoln ran for the Senate. Again: no-go.

At forty-seven Lincoln ran for vice-presidency. But... well...¦ You got it. More no-go, amigo.

At fifty-one, Lincoln was elected President of the United States ... which considering his life resume of consistent failure was a very shnazzy title.

How did he achieve this great success? By holding onto some positive Lincoln thinkin.'

Even in the midst of the Civil War -- a war which claimed more American lives than any war in history thus far -- Lincoln issued a positive proclamation:

"It has seemed to me fit and proper that [the gifts of God] should be solemnly, reverently, and gratefully acknowledged with one heart and one voice by the whole American people. I do, therefore, invite my fellow citizens . . . to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next as a day of thanksgiving and praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the heavens."

How could Lincoln have made such a positive plea during a time of such suffering?

Because Lincoln recognized that even in the midst of tough times, there was always something to be appreciative about. Lincoln had a naturally grateful heart.

As a life/career coach I've seen how the power of gratitude can not only change a person's mood, but their results.

YOUR ASSIGNMENT: Make it a habit to end each day talking with your loved ones about what you appreciated about your day. What made you happy? Proud? Excited? Feel loved? By talking about it with your loved ones, you get double the perky perks, because you're not only reminding yourself to keep a grateful heart, you're connecting heart-to-heart!

Oh....and here are some more goodies which Lincoln was thinkin'...

"Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm."

"You can be anything you want to be, do anything you set out to accomplish, if you hold to that desire with singleness of purpose."

And my personal favorite Lincoln quote:

"Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

And you can QUOTE ME when I say, "No matter what happens today, make up your mind to be happy, dammit!"

Getting Better with Age

2008-03-20T15:25:00.008-04:00

I was reading the Washingtonian and found an interesting article which stated there are some definite benefits to growing old - besides the discounted movie tickets.

For example consider the life of George Dawson. As the son of an underprivileged farmer and descendant of African American slaves, George grew up during the 1900's never learning how to read.

At the age of 90, George was approached by a man going door to door touting a local adult literary initiative. Figuring it was about time he could spell his own name, George joined the program and was fully literate by the age of 98.

George proves that some old dogs were meant to learn new tricks. Recent scientific explorations support this adage.

In his new book "Mind: The Positive Power of the Aging Brain," gerontology researcher Dr. Gene Cohen investigates ways in which the brain matures. And his findings may surprise you.

It's a Hard Knock Life

The stereotype of an old person is that of a forgetful, hard-of-hearing boob. And often in literature and movies, elders are depicted as evil witches, wicked step-parents, and mean baby-sitters. But like most stereotypes, these are outdated and inaccurate.

Cohen concludes that by challenging yourself as you age, you develop wisdom, self assurance and even creativity that you lacked as a youth.

Activities such as community-education courses, book and writing groups, arts programs, and challenging work—volunteer, paid, or part-time—boost development of the brain in the second half of life. One study of the connection between leisure activities and the risk of dementia and cognitive decline found that dancing, board games, playing a musical instrument, crossword puzzles, and reading had the greatest impact in reducing the risk of mental disability.

The Science of an Aging Brain

When you compare the MRI of a 30 year old brain with that of a 70 year old brain performing the same task, you find a surprising difference. Whereas the 30 year old brain utilizes primarily the left hemisphere, the 70 year old brain utilizes both hemispheres.

Because the right hemisphere of the brain is associated with intellectual curiosity and passion, this convergence suggests that the older you get, the better you are making new connections and achieving new insights.

Other research on the brains "amygdale" (which is the part of the brain that processes emotions) returns unforeseen results; In brain-imaging studies, young adults and older adults were exposed to positive and negative emotions to see how the amygdala lit up and how long it stayed lit. Positive emotions caused the amygdala to light up the same way and stay lit for the same amount of time in both groups. But with negative emotions—fear, rage, envy—the amygdala lit up less intensely and for a shorter interval in the older group.

Senior Moments

Cohen states "I think that after 50 there's a new senior moment—a creative moment. There's a liberation phase that begins to be very strong in the fifties. It's characterized by metaphorical inner voices saying, "If not now, when?" and "What can they do to me?" These are powerful feelings based on accumulated experience that give you the courage to try something new."

As you age, you collect a series of experiences that you store in what I like to call a "life arsenal." The decisions you make in old age are affected by this arsenal of rich wisdom and knowledge from your first-hand experiences. Therefore, older people are more agile with their thoughts and emotions, and are free to make decisions based on inner freedom, self-confidence, and liberation from social constraints.

And that's worth waiting for.

Holley Simmons reporting!

Word To The Wise

2008-03-19T13:39:00.005-04:00

Starting today myself and my fabulous new assistant -- Holley Simmons -- will be sharing a weekly blogpost called "WORD TO THE WISE" -- where we will share a word to think about...and become wiser for it.

Indeed...Holley will start off this series. So, take it away, Holley!

HOLLEY SIMMONS' "WORD TO THE WISE":

Being a writer, I'm a huge word person. So much so that I subscribe to www.dictionary.com's "Word of the Day."

This week I found the word of the day "indolent" to be particularly interesting, especially the 3rd and 4th definitions.

indolent \IN-duh-luhnt\, adjective:

1. Avoiding labor and exertion; habitually idle; lazy; inactive.

2. Conducive to or encouraging laziness or inactivity.

3. Causing little or no pain.

4. Slow to heal, develop, or grow.

As the definition suggests, true healing, development, and growth comes from experiencing pain. And I totally agree.

Just the thought of going through an emotional painful event is enough for some to pull their tails between their legs and go sit in a corner out of harms way. But how can you ever learn who you are as a person if you're always protecting yourself from disappointment, loss, heartbreak, and any other kinds of hurt?

You can't. And that's because if you go your whole life un-challenged, you'll never know anything about yourself other than what's on the surface. And living your life wearing rose-colored glasses will certainly strain your eyes, and give you a massive headache in the long run.

I'm not suggesting you purposefully put yourself in harms way. That'd be masochistic and not fun (unless you're into that). But don't shy away from a potentially painful experience just because there's a chance you come out scathed.

You need to take risks, push limits, and never make assumptions to get anywhere in life. If your dream job is up for grabs, don't shy away from it because you think you don't stand a chance. What's the worst that can happen? Let's say you apply and don't get it. You re-group and move on. It probably wasn't meant to be anyway.

Or imagine there's a strange illness you've experienced for a while, but are too afraid to get it checked out in case it's something very serious. Don't ignore it. Instead, get yourself to a doctor because even if the diagnosis is bad, you've caught it and can begin to treat it. And if it's really bad, at least you can begin to re-direct your life and re-evaluate what's really important to you before it's too late. People have done it before, and will continue to do so in the future. What makes you any different?

You're stronger than you think, dammit. And, in a word, that's incredible.

Holley Simmons Reporting!