Adventures in Moviewatching

Casualty List for the ALIENS Marines

2009-04-20T06:03:00.008-05:00

First Contact

1. Corporal Dietrich (Cynthia Dale Scott) -- Yanked into the dark by a camoflauged alien bastard.

2. Private Frost (Ricco Ross) -- Set ablaze by Dietrich's flamthrower, falls down a giant shaft, explodes with a lot of ammo strapped to his back. Ouch.

3. Private Crowe (Tip Tipping) -- Killed instantly in the explosion.

4. Private Wierzbowski (Trevor Steedman) -- Dispatched off-screen (but loudly) in the subsequent confusion.

The Firefight

5. Sergeant Apone (Al Matthews) -- Grabbed by aliens while waiting for his moron lieutenant to get a clue.

6. Private Drake (Mark Rolston) -- Mega-sprayed by a shower of acid-blood just as he was about to escape.

No Escape

7. Private Spunkmeyer (Daniel Kash) -- Devoured off-screen while prepping the drop-ship for evac.

8. Corporal Ferro (Colette Hiller) -- Savaged by aliens as she prepares to set the drop-ship down.

The Siege

9. Private Hudson (Bill Paxton) -- Pulled to a satisfyingly heroic death when the aliens break through the floor (and the ceiling) of home base.

** Layman Carter J. Burke (Paul Reiser) -- Whacked by an alien mouth while sweating and cringing like the pathetic worm he so definitely is.

10. Private Vasquez (Jenette Goldstein) -- Blown up while trying to save her clueless lieutenant from a sticky demise.

11. Lieutenant Gorman (William Hope) -- Blown up by Vasquez when the rescue attempt fails. At least the idiot took a few aliens with him.

Testingg!

2009-04-13T16:40:00.001-05:00

The extra "G" is for Google! Yes, since acquiring a Blackberry I'm trying to organize my rather confusing life with the help of all things Google: calendar, documents, email, a geeky little Twitter app ... and this! A slick little module that allows me to update this blog with next to NO EFFORT on my part. I love that!

I feel like I should add something movie-related, just to keep this stupid blog consistent. So um ... here goes:

ADVENTURELAND / OBSERVE AND REPORT makes for one hell of an interesting double feature if you're older than, say, 25.

Phrases Coined at Film Festivals

2009-02-26T20:23:00.008-06:00

1. "Blogborg" -- A group of three or more movie bloggers who attend a film festival and do (literally) everything together. Walk, talk, chew, twitter, same screenings, same shuttles, same lodgings, same opinions, etc.

The phrase was created when I imagined what would happen if you tried to separate any of the blogborg. I pictured something like a cross between the '78 Body Snatchers shriek and a loud Jawa sound.

2. "Mood Pocket" -- (sing) If you are in the mood to be a dick, dude ... whadaaya gonna blame? MOOD POCKET! When you wanna throw a fit and behave like shit ... whaddaya gona have? MOOD POCKET! (now available in sour grape flavor)

Phrase was coined by Jeffrey Wells in relation to an incident in which a film blogger acted like a big weiner and screwed his festival hosts pretty bad, only to later blame it on a tasty, convenient, and microwavable MOOD POCKET!

3. "Millennium Falcon" -- An astonishingly bad movie.

Dumb but true story: Childress and I were leaving a ROTTEN movie at one of the many festivals we've attended together. Without even thinking about it I said "Ugh, now I know how Luke felt the first time he saw the Millennium Falcon."

Without missing a BEAT, Childress whined (in his best Mark Hamill voice): "What a PIECE of JUNK!" And then we both laughed like nerds for an hour.

4. "Film School Masturbation" -- Another phrase coined by Childress. Can be used to describe any "avant-garde" film (short or, ugh, feature) that values weirdness and artsy-fartsy-ness above all else. Especially plot. The phrase came into heavy usage after we saw an entire Matthew Barney film.

5. "Spunbad?" -- If something is "Spunbad," it's not even worth seeing for the sheer awfulness of the thing. Inspired by the mega-Spunbad film Spun.

6. "Nerd Vultures" -- Those (few but annoying) publicists who eavesdrop and then POUNCE on the critics immediately after a screening. You can be honest with these guys about your opinions on the film, but the best way to get them to leave is to begin TALKING like a film critic. Works every time.

7. "Fancy Party" -- A party that many press members often WANT to go to, but generally have a miserable time at if they happen to swing an invite, and then spend the next few hours bored and wishing they'd stayed back at the hotel to write. Also see: Parties.

8. "Brass Balls!" -- Used to indicate a very GOOD pre-movie festival promo video. Inspired by this.

9. "Ugh, this again." -- Used to indicate a very BAD pre-movie festival promo video. Inspired by 92% of them.

... to be continued!

And NO, he's NOT named for Indiana Jones!

2009-02-01T13:10:00.005-06:00

Yes, I have several friends. Human ones. But today isn't about them. Today is about a fuzzy grey creature who often sleeps on my bed.

Since he was adopted (from beneath a dumpster), I really have no idea how old Jones is. The vet told me his actual birth-day was somewhere near the end of January, and so I made 2/1 his official birthday.

I've had cats and dogs my whole life, but Jones is (far and away) the coolest pet I've ever known. He's smart and funny and knows how to SHUT UP when a movie is on. Jones is now one year old.

Happy Birthday, buddy! I'm off to get you some catnip, sir.

Hi from Sundance

2009-01-21T13:55:00.008-06:00

Between writing junk for Cinematical, FEARnet, and (umm) Twitter, I've been remiss in my personal blogtivity. So for the 1.4 who may have noticed, here's a list of what I've seen so far:

Grace (review)
The Killing Room (review)
Dead Snow (review)
Moon (review)

When You're Strange (review)
Five Minutes of Heaven (review)
Good Hair (review)
The Informers (review)
Brief Interviews with Hideous Men (review)
Black Dynamite (review)
Bronson (review)
In the Loop (not reviewing, but it's very trenchantly venomously profanely funny)
500 Days of Summer (sorta review)
World's Greatest Dad (review)
Dare (not reviewing cuz I walked out. I'm professional that way.)
Nollywood Babylon
An Education
Endgame
Stingray Sam
The Cove (review)

...and a few more I can't remember right now, plus I have a fistful of cool-looking Slamdance screeners, and that equals more movies to watch. Always a good thing. Plus one of 'em is called GRAPHIC SEXUAL HORROR, which I might have my mom review for me.

Top 30 Horror -- Since 1990

2008-12-09T13:17:00.008-06:00

So a few representatives from a very cool horror collective invited me to participate in a big, swanky poll. But only after I asked them if I could participate and they said "yup." The question for me -- and lots of other VERY well-informed horror lunatics -- was this:

Best Horror Films EVER. (1990 -- present) So here's the final list! And then you can scan down and see what I picked ... while scratching your head over the fact that Halloween H20 made the list and MAY did not. Gwargh.

Most of mine fall from 2000 to present, but it's not my fault the '90s mostly sucked for horror.

It's Kevin Williamson's.

1. Let the Right One In (2008)
2. The Descent (2005)
3. Session 9 (2001)
4. Inside (2007)
5. [REC] (2007)
6. Frailty (2002)
7. May (2002)
8. The Devil's Backbone (2001)
9. Dead Alive (1992)
10. The Mist (2007)

11. Mute Witness (1994)
12. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
13. The Host (2006)
14. The Orphanage (2007)
15. 28 Days Later (2002)
16. The Blair Witch Project (1999)
17. Tremors (1990)
18. Saw (2004)
19. Cemetery Man (1994)
20. Ravenous (1999)

21. The Living and the Dead (2007)
22. Martyrs (2008)
23. High Tension (2003)
24. Cube (1997)
25. Event Horizon (1997)
26. The Signal (2007)
27. The Ruins (2008)
28. Dog Soldiers (2002)
29. Cloverfield (2008)
30. Misery (1990)

Honorable mention: Deep Rising (1998)

Horror Reviews: The Weinberg Database!

2008-11-29T10:00:00.009-06:00

The Official Scott Weinberg Horror Film Review Database (TOSWHFRD.edu) -- (still a work in progress -- last updated 9/5/09)

Over the last several years, I've written a whole LOT of reviews. But these are just the horror ones. Cuz they're more fun. Please be kind if you read a sloppy review from '99 - '02. I was still finding my way. But I refuse to edit or remove those corny old reviews. Anyway, thanks for readin'!

Original sources: Cinematical, FEARnet, DVDTalk, eFilmCritic, Monsters at Play, Apollo Movie Guide, and Horror.com.

#

7 Mummies (2005) / 13 Ghosts (2001) / 28 Days Later (2005) / 28 Weeks Later (2007) / 30 Days of Night (2007) / 1408 (2007) /

A

The Abandoned (2007) / Abominable (2006) / Acacia (2005) / The Addams Family (1991) / Addams Family Values (1993) / Against the Dark (2009) / Alien 3000 (2005) / Alien Raiders (2009) / Alien (1979) / Aliens (1986) / Alien vs. Predator (2004) / Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007) / Alone in the Dark (1982) / Alone in the Dark (2005) / All Souls Day (2006) / All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (2009) / Alone with Her (2007) /Altered (2006) / An American Haunting (2006) / The Amityville Horror (2005) / Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004) / The Antichrist (1974) / April Fool's Day (1986) / Arachnia (2003) / Army of Darkness (1993) / The Astronaut's Wife (1999) / Automaton Transfusion (2008) / Autopsy (2009) / Awake (2007) /

B

Bad Dreams (1988) / Baghead (2008) / Bats (1999) / Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2007) / The Being (1983) / Believers (2007) / Below (2002) / Beneath (2007) / Beneath Still Waters (2005) / Best Worst Movie (2009) / Beyond Re-Animator (2003) / Big Man Japan (2009) / Bikini Bloodbath (2006) / Bizarre Lust of a Sexual Deviant (2005) / Black Cadillac (2003) / The Black Cat (2007) / Black Christmas (2006) / Black Sheep (2006) / Black Water (2007) / Blade 2 (2002) / Blade: Trinity (2004) / The Blair Witch Project (1999) / Blessed (2004) / Blood & Chocolate (2007) / Blood and Black Lace (1964) / Blood Beach (1981) / Blood Cult (1985) / Blood Mania (1970) / Blood Monkey (2006) / Blood River (2009) / Blood Theater (1984) / Blood Trails (2007) / Bloodline (2005) / BloodRayne (2006) / Bloodsucking Freaks (1978) / Bone Sickness (2006) / Bones (2001) / Boo (2005) / Boogeyman (2005) / Boogeyman 2 (2007) / Boogeymen (2001) / Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000) / Borderland (2007) / Boxing Helena (1993) / Brain Dead (1990) / Brainscan (1994) / Bride of Re-Animator (1990) / The Broken (2009) / The Brotherhood of Satan (1971) / Brotherhood of the Wolf (2002) / The Brothers Grimm (2005) / Bubba Ho-tep (2003) / Bug (2007) / The Bunker (2004) / The Burning (1981) / The Burrowers (2009) / Butterfly: A Grimm Love Story (2008) / The Butterfly Effect (2004) /

C

Cabin Fever (2003) / The Call of Cthulhu (2007) / Camp Utopia (2005) / Candy Stripers (2006) /Cannibal (2006) /Cannibal Apocalyse (1982) / Cannibal Campout (1988) / Cannibal Ferox (1981) / Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter (1974) / Captivity (2007) / Carnosaur (1993) / Carrie 2: The Rage (1999) / Carriers (2009) / Castle Freak (1995) / The Cave (2005) / The Cell (2000) / Cerberus (2006) / Cherry Falls (2000) / The Children (2009) / Child's Play (1988) / The Choke (2006) / Christine (1983) / Chupacabra Terror (2005) / The Church (1989) / Circus of Horrors (1960) / City of Rott (2006) / City of the Dead (1960) / City of the Living Dead (1980) / Cloverfield (2008) / Club Dread (2004) / Club Vampire (1998) / Cold Prey (2009) / Cold Prey 2 (2009) / The Collector (2009) / The Comeback (1978) / The Cottage (2008) / Creep (2005) / Creepshow (1982) / Creepshow 2 (1987) / Creepshow 3 (2007) / Crocodile 2: Death Swamp (2001) / The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005) / The Crush (1993) / Cry_Wolf (2005) / Cube Zero (2005) / The Curse of El Charro (2006) / Curse of the Devil (1973) / Cursed (2005) / The Curve (1998) / Cutting Class (1988) /

D

The Damned Thing (2007) / Dance of the Dead (2008) / Danika (2006) / Dark Forces (1980) / The Dark Night of the Scarecrow (1981) / Dark Water (2005) / Darkness (1993) / Darkness Falls (2003) / The Darkroom (2007) / Dawn of the Dead (2004) / Dead & Breakfast (2005) / Dead and Deader (2007) / Dead Birds (2004) / A Dead Calling (2006) / Dead Daughters (2007) / Dead in 3 Days (2009) / Dead Meat (2004) / Dead Ringers (1988) / Dead Set (2008) / Dead Silence (2007) / Dead Snow (2009) / Dead Waters (1994) / The Dead Zone (1983) / Deadly Scavengers (2001) / Death Factory (2001) / Death Row (2007) / Death Sentence (2007) / Death Tunnel (2005) / Deathbed (2002) / Decadent Evil (2005) / Decoys 2: The Second Seduction (2007) / Deep Blue Sea (1999) / Deep Rising (1998) / Delivery (2006) / Dementia 13 (1963) / Demon Hunter (2006) / Demon Lust (1997) / Demoness (1998) / The Dentist (1996) / Deranged (1974) / The Descent (2006) / Destination Nightmare (1958) / Detour (2003) / Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell (1978) / Devil in the Flesh (1998) / Devil Times Five (1974) / The Devil's Backbone (2001) / The Devil's Chair (2008) / The Devil's Nightmare (1971) / The Devil's Rejects (2005) / Devour (2005) / Diary of the Dead (2008) / Director's Cut (2003) / Disappearance (2002) / District 9 (2009) / Disturbia (2007) / Dog Soldiers (2002) / Doll Graveyard (2005) / Dolly Dearest (1992) / Donkey Punch (2009) / Don't Look in the Basement (1974) / Don't Open the Door (1974) / Doom (2005) / Doomsday (2008) / Dr. Phibes Rises Again! (1972) / Dracula 2: Ascencion (2003) / Dracula 3000 (2004) / Dracula Rising (1993) / Drag Me to Hell (2009) / Dragonfly (2002) / Dread (2009) / Dreamcatcher (2003) / Dream Cruise (2007) / The Driller Killer (1979) / Drive-Thru (2007) / Dust Devil (1992) / Dying Breed (2009) /

E

Eaten Alive (1976) /The Eden Formula (2006) / Eden Lake (2008) / Eight Legged Freaks (2002) / End of Days (1999) / End of the Line (2008) / The Erotic Ghost (2000) / Event Horizon (1997) / Evil Aliens (2006) / Evil Behind You (2006) / Evil Dead 2 (1987) / Evil Dead Trap (1988) / Evil Dead Trap 2 (1991) / Evilenko (2006) / Evilspeak (1981) / Exorcist: The Beginning (2004) / The Experiment (2002) / The Eye (2003) / The Eye (2008) / Eye See You (2002) /

F

Fabled (2006) /Faces of Death (1974) / Family (2007) / The Fan (1981) / Fangs (2003) / Fear of Clowns (2006) / Fear(s) of the Dark (2008) / Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds (2008) / Feast 3: The Happy Finish (2009) / Feed (2006) / Fermat's Room (2009) / Fido (2007) / Final Destination (2000) / Final Destination 2 (2003) / Final Destination 3 (2006) / Final Destination 4 (2009) / Five Across the Eyes (2008) / Flight of the Living Dead (2007) / The Fly (1986) / The Fog (1980) / The Fog (2005) / Frailty (2002) / Freak Out (2006) / Freddy vs. Jason (2003) / Friday the 13th (1980) / Friday the 13th (2009) / Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981) / Friday the 13th Part 3 (1982) / Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning (1985) / Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives (1986) / Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood (1988) / Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989) / Frogs (1972) / From Beyond (1986) / From Hell (2001) / Frontiere(s) (2007) / The Funhouse (1981) / Funny Games (2008) /

G

The Garden (2006) / The Gardener (1975) / The Gathering (2006) / Ghost Lake (2005) / Ghost Rider (2007) / Ghost Rig (2003) / Ghost Ship (2002) / Ghosts of Mars (2001) / The Gingerdead Man (2005) / The Girl Next Door (2007) / The Glass House (2001) / The Glass House: The Good Mother (2006) / God Told Me To (1977) / Godsend (2004) / Gorgo (1961) / Gothika (2003) / Grace (2009) / Graveyard Alive (2007) / Graveyard Shift (1990) / Grindhouse (2007) / Grizzly (1976) / The Grudge (2004) /

H

Half Light (2006) / Halloween (1978) / Halloween (2007) / Halloween 2 (1981) / Halloween 2 (2009) / Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989) / The Hamiltons (2006) / Hannibal Rising (2007) / The Happening (2008) / Hard Candy (2006) / Hardware (1990) / Hatchet (2007) / The Haunting (1999) / The Haunting in Connecticut (2009) / The Hazing (2004) / Headspace (2006) / Hellbent (2005) / Hellboy (2004) / Hellboy 2: The Golden Army (2008) / Hellraiser (1987) / Hellraiser 2: Hellbound (1988) / Hellraiser 3: Hell on Earth (1992) / Hellraiser 4: Bloodline (1996) / Hellraiser 5: Inferno (2000) / Hellraiser 6: Hellseeker (2002) / Hellraiser 7: Deader (2005) / Hell's Gate (2002) / Hell's Ground (2008) / Hide and Seek (2005) / High Tension (2006) / The Hills Have Eyes (2006) / The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007) / His Name Was Jason (2009) / The Hitcher (1986) / The Hitcher (2007) / Hollow Man (2000) / Hollow Man 2 (2006) / Horror (2003) / Horror of Frankenstein (1970) / Horrors of War (2007) / The Horseman (2009) / The Host (2007) / Hostel (2006) / Hostel Part 2 (2007) / The House By the Cemetery (1984) / House of 9 (2006) / House of 1000 Corpses (2003) / House of the Dead (2003) / The House of the Devil (2009) / House of Wax (2005) / The House Where Evil Dwells (1982) / Humanoids from the Deep (1980) / The Hunt (2007) / Hush (1998) / Hush (2009) /

I

I Am Legend (2007) / I Bury the Living (1958) / I Drink Your Blood (1970) / I Know Who Killed Me (2007) / I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997) / I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer (2006) / I Sell the Dead (2009) / I Spit On Your Grave (1978) / I, Vampire: Trilogy of Blood (2006) / Ice Crawlers (2003) / Identity (2003) / In Memorium (2005) / In the Spider's Web (2007) / Infection (2005) / Infested (2002) / The Initiation (1984) / Insaniac (2002) / Inside (2008) / The Invisible (2007) / The Invisible Man (1933) / Invitation to Hell (1984) / The Island of Dr. Moreau (1977) / Isolation (2006) / It (1990) /

J

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer (2008) / Jack O'Lantern (2005) / Jacqueline Hyde (2005) / Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993) / Jason X (2002) / Jaws (1975) / Jaws 3 (1983) / Jaws of Satan (1981) / Jeepers Creepers (2001) / Jeepers Creepers 2 (2003) / Joy Ride (2001) / Ju-On: The Grudge (2004) / Jurassic Park 3 (2001) /

K

The Keep (1983) / Kill Devil (2006) / Kill House (2007) / The Killing Gene (2008) / The Killing Room (2009) / King Kong (1933) / King Kong (1976) / King Kong (2005) / Kiss of the Tarantula (1976) / Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep (2007) /

L

Lady in White (1988) / Laid to Rest (2009) / Lake Mungo (2009) / Lake Placid (1999) / Lake Placid 2 (2007) / A Lamb in Despair (1999) / Las Vegas Serial Killer (1986) / The Last House on the Left (1972) / The Last House on the Left (2009) / The Legend of Hell House (1973) / The Legend of Sleepy Hollow (1999) / Legion of the Dead (2002) / Leprechaun in the Hood (2000) / Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood (2003) / Let Sleeping Corpses Lie (1974) / Let the Right One In (2008) / Lie Still (2006) / The Living and the Dead (2007) / Living Death (2006) / The Locals (2005) / The Lodger (2008) / The Lost Boys: The Tribe (2008) / Lost Souls (2000) /

M

The Machinist (2004) /Magdelena's Brain (2006) / The Mangler Reborn (2005) / Manhattan Baby (1982) / Maniac (1980) / Maniacts (2003) / Martyrs (2009) / The Masque of the Red Death (1964) / May (2003) / Memory (2007) / The Messengers (2007) / Midnight (1981) / Midnight Mass (2004) / The Midnight Meat Train (2008) / Mimic 3: Sentinel (2003) / Mirror Mirror (1991) / Mirror Mirror 2: Raven Dance (1994) / Mirror Mirror 3: The Voyeur (1995) / Mirrors (2008) / Misery (1990) / The Mist (2007) / Moldy's Madhouse (2006) / Monster High (1989) / The Monster Squad (1987) / Moon Child (2003) / Motel Hell (1980) / The Mother of Tears (2008) / The Mothman Prophecies (2002) / Mr. Brooks (2007) / Mr. Jingles (2006) / The Mummy (1999) / The Mummy Returns (2001) / The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008) / The Mummy's Curse (1944) / The Mummy's Ghost (1944) / Murder Party (2007) / Murder Set Pieces (2004) / Must Love Death (2009) / Mutant Chronicles (2009) / Mutants (2009) / Mutation (2006) / Mute Witness (1985) / My Bloody Valentine (1981) / My Bloody Valentine (2009) /

N

Nails (2006) / Naina (2005) / A Necessary Death (2009) / The New Kids (1985) / The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave (1971) / Night Orchid (1997) / Night Scream (1997) / Night Skies (2007) / Nightmare Detective (2007) / Nightmares & Dreamscapes (2006) / The Ninth Gate (1999) / No Country for Old Men (2007) / Northville Cemetery Massacre (1976) /

O

The Objective (2009) / The Oblong Box (1969) / Obsessed (2009) / Office Killer (1997) / One Missed Call (2003) / One Missed Call (2008) / The Ordeal (2006) / Orphan (2009) / The Orphanage (2007) / The Omen (1976) / The Omen (2006) / Open Water (2004) / The Order (2003) / The Other Side (2006) / The Others (2001) / Outlander (2009) /

P

P2 (2007) / Panic Room (2002) / Paranormal Activity (2009) / Parasite (1982) / The Park (2003) / The Passage (2009) / Pathology (2008) / Pep Squad (1998) / A Perfect Getaway (2009) / Perfect Stranger (2007) / Pet Sematary (1989) / Phantasm (1979) / Phantasm 3: Lord of the Dead (1994) /The Phantom of the Opera (1925) / The Phantom of the Opera (2004) / Phantom of the Paradise (1974) / Pieces (1983) / Pinocchio's Revenge (1996) / Pitch Black (2000) / The Plague (2006) / Planet Terror (2007) / Play Misty for Me (1971) / Poltergeist (1982) / Poltergeist 3 (1988) / The Pool (2002) / The Possession of Nurse Sherri (1978) / The Premature Burial (1962) / Premonition (2004) / Premutos: Lord of the Living Dead (1998) / Prey (2006) / Primeval (2007) / Prince of Darkness (1987) / Prom Night (2008) / The Prophecy 4: Uprising (2005) / The Prophecy 5: Forsaken (2005) / Pulse (1988) / Pulse 2 (2008) / Pumpkinhead 2: Blood Wings (1994) / Pumpkinhead 3: Ashes to Ashes (2006) / Pumpkinhead 4: Blood Feud (2007) / Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys (2006) /

Q

Quarantine (2008) / Queen of the Damned (2002) /

R

Raging Sharks (2005) /Rampage: The Hillside Strangler Murders (2006) / Re-Animator (1985) / The Reaping (2007) / [REC] (2009) / Red Blooded American Girl (1990) / Red Mist (2009) / Reeker (2006) / Relentless 3 (1993) / Relentless 4: Ashes to Ashes (1994) / Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008) / Resident Evil (2002) / Resident Evil 3: Extinction (2007) / The Resurrected (1992) / The Return (2006) / Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007) / Revenge (1986) / Right At Your Door (2007) / Right to Die (2007) / The Ring 2 (2005) / Ring Around the Rosie (2006) / Rise: Blood Hunter (2007) / The Ritual (2000) / Rock 'n' Roll Frankenstein (1998) / Rogue (2008) / The Room (2006) / Room 6 (2006) / The Ruins (2008) /

S

S&Man (2009) / Salvage (2007) /Sars Wars: Bangkok Zombie Crisis (2006) / Sasquatch (2003) / Satanic Yuppies (2005) / Savage Harvest (1994) / Saw (2004) / Saw 2 (2005) / Saw 3 (2006) / Saw 4 (2007) / Saw 5 (2008) / Scary Movie (2000) / Scary Movie 2 (2001) / Scary Movie 3 (2003) / Scary Movie 4 (2006) / The Scorned (2006) / Scorpius Gigantus (2006) / Scream 3 (2000) / Scream and Scream Again (1969) / The Screwfly Solution (2007) / See No Evil (2006) / Seed (2008) / Seed of Chucky (2004) / Severance (2007) / Shades of Darkness (2000) / Shadow of the Wraith (2005) / The Shadow Walkers (2007) / Shadows Run Black (1986) / Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002) / The Shark is Still Working (2008) / The Shining (1980) / Shock-O-Rama (2006) / Shrooms (2007) / Shutter (2008) / The Signal (2007) / Signs (2002) / The Silence of the Lambs (1991) / Silent Hill (2006) / Silver Bullet (1985) / Single White Female 2: The Psycho (2005) / The Sisterhood (2004) / Skinwalkers (2007) / The Skulls (2000) / Slashers (2001) / Slaughterhouse of the Rising Sun (2005) / Sleepaway Camp (1983) / Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers (1988) / Sleepaway Camp 3: Teenage Wasteland (1998) / Sleepover Nightmare (2005) / Sleepy Hollow (1999) / Slither (2006) / The Slumber Party Massacre (1982) / Slugs (1987) / Snakes on a Plane (2006) / Society (1989) / Sometimes They Come Back (1991) / Species (1995) / Species 2 (1998) / Species 3 (2004) / Spine Tingler! The William Castle Story (2009) / Spiral (2008) / Spirit Trap (2006) / Spirits of the Dead (1969) / Splinter (2008) / Stakes (2002) / Starship Troopers 3: Marauder (2008) / Stay (2005) / Stigmata (1999) / Stir of Echoes (1999) / Storm Warning (2008) / The Strangers (2008) / Stuck (2008) / Studio 666 (2005) / The Stuff (1985) / Subject Two (2006) / Suicide (2004) / Sunshine (2007) / Superstition (1982) / Swamp Thing (1982) / Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007) /

T

Tales from the Darkside: The Movie (1990) / Tales of Terror (1962) / Tamara (2006) / Teeth (2008) / The Temp (1993) / The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986) / The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) / The Texas Chainaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006) / Theater of Death (1967) / Them (2007) / They (2002) / They Crawl (2001) / The Thing (1982) / The Thirst (2007) / Timber Falls (2007) / Tokyo Gore Police (2008) / The Toolbox Murders (2005) / Tooth and Nail (2007) / Transsiberian (2008) / Trauma (2005) / Tremors 3: Back to Perfection (2001) / Trigger Man (2008) /

U

The Unborn (2009) / Undead (2005) / Undead or Alive (2007) / Unholy Women (2007) / The Undertaker and His Pals (1966) / Underworld (2003) / Underworld: Evolution (2006) / Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009) / The Uninivted (2009) / Urban Ghost Story (2000) /

V

Vacancy (2007) / Valerie on the Stairs (2007) / Vampire Obsession (2002) / Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe (2006) / Vampires: Los Muertos (2002) / Vampires: The Turning (2005) / Van Helsing (2004) / Venom (2005) / The Village (2004) / Virus (1999) / The Visitation (2006) / Visiting Hours (1982) /

W

Warning Sign (1985) / The Watcher in the Woods (1980) / Watchers (1988) / Watchers 2 (1990) / We All Scream for Ice Cream (2007) / Welcome to Arrow Beach (1974) / Welcome to the Jungle (2007) / We're Going to Eat You (1980) / Werewolf Shadow (1972) / When a Stranger Calls (2006) / White Noise (2005) / White Noise 2 (2008) / Wicked Flowers (2007) / Wicked Little Things (2006) / The Wicker Man (2006) / The Wild Man of the Navidad (2009) / Wilderness Survival for Girls (2004) / Wind Chill (2007) / Wishmaster 4: The Prophcy Fulfilled (2002) / The Wizard of Gore (2008) / Wolf Creek (2005) / Women's Prison Massacre (1984) / Woodchipper Massacre (1988) / The Woods (2006) / Wolfen (1981) / Wrong Turn (2003) / Wrong Turn 2 (2007) /

XYZ

Zodiac (2007) / The Zodiac Killer (2005) / The Zombie Diaries (2008) / Zombie Honeymoon (2006) / Zombies Gone Wild (2007)

Blog Post Part 7: The Re-Arrivining

2008-11-26T07:41:00.007-06:00

What's something called when you do it five or six times a year? Quintanually? Fine, that's what I'm doing: My sextannual blog entry in which I apologize (to an empty room) for not posting more frequently, as if I'm writing The Green Mile 2 and you all just can't wait for the next chapter.

Anyways, things at FEARnet are good but a little slow right now. (Not much in the horror department this season. Got a few interviews pending and a handful of reviews to get to. No, not Twilight. FEARnet is a horror site.) Cinematical is busy but always fun. Lord am I lucky to work with good people, and that's not an ass-kiss just in case one of 'em reads this. They're smart, reliable, helpful people who do good work. Makes my job 10 times easier.

I've started a new sub-heading there called The Scary Bits, so I can coo over gore within the confines of an otherwise "general" movie blog. Maybe one day they'll want me to do my Cinematikill spin-off.

Flick-wise, it's screener season (yay!), plus Netflix + Xbox = Awesome. I'm still sifting through a few titles from my Hammer Horror project (remember that?), and I'm soon to begin on a 10-film Blaxploitation course. Fun!

Elsewhere, I'm developing one of my screenplays with a producer friend of mine (yes, really!), so I may actually be a real-live screenwriter some day. Not tomorrow, but we'll see. No fresh news on the doco just yet, but I expect to hear something soon.
Lastly, I need to write about horror a little more in this blog, because I wanna join this club. (Or maybe my Scary Bits sub-blog would qualify...) So maybe expect me to post a big, fat catalog of ALL my horror reviews sometime soon. (Oooh, that'll be a fun project, actually.) But before I do that I'm working on a piece called Wow! Not on DVD, but Netflix Watch Instantly Has 'Em!!

Hey, some people cure disease; I write about movies nobody remembers. Works out great.

Oh and PS... Check this out!!

Uh, baseball gods?

2008-10-28T06:57:00.001-05:00

This is not what I asked for.

A Prayer to the Baseball Gods

2008-10-27T02:25:00.005-05:00

Are you there, baseball gods, it's me, Scott. I've never prayed to you before, but if you exist then you're definitely familiar with prayers that originate from Philadelphia, so let's just move on.

Please let the Phillies win tonight.

That's my request. Like most prayers, mine is a selfish one, but I'm not asking only for myself. This city really deserves it. One of the best thing about being a Phillies (or Eagles) fan is seeing how passionate, how devoted, and how protective the hardcore supporters are. I know this town has a reputation among sportswriters for being a wretched hive of scum & villainy ... but those guys aren't from Philadelphia. OK, so maybe we're a little aggressive sometimes, but no more than the passionate lunatics of New York, Pittsburgh, or Chicago.

Just give them the win tonight. One win is all I'm asking for after about 30 years of Phillies games. I didn't even pray to you back in 1993 when that wild team went up to Toronto and blew it big-time. This team is 125 years old. They've won the World Series once. And that was in 1980.

You might think this prayer is a bit premature, considering that the Phillies are up 3 games to 1 in a 7-game series, but I'll repeat the prayer one more time: Tonight. We want it tonight. In Philadelphia.

Cole Hamels is about to pitch the biggest game in the history of the franchise. May he sleep well tonight and have your blessings tomorrow.

Thanks in advance,

Scott

Holy Crap...

2008-09-07T00:32:00.004-05:00

....it's been a while since my last update. OK, so here's what's new:

1. Oral surgery sucks. Especially "extensive oral surgery." Feeling better, but still kinda ouch. I'm sure everyone's sick of hearing about it by now. As am I.

2. Missed Toronto Film Festival for the first time in six years. Definitely didn't help my mood this week, but (and maybe this is just sour grapes) the TIFF line-up didn't look all that stellar this year. A few choice titles and some enticing Midnight offerings, yeah, but as a whole I wasn't dazzled.

3. Fantastic Fest coming up real soon! Preparations for THE FEUD are well underway!

4. Recently became the Managing Editor at Cinematical, which was both well-deserved and very flattering. (Yes, ego and humility at once. I'm awesome.)

5. Wanted to attend UK Frightfest, but was unable to for financial reasons. I'm saving pennies for next year.

6. Got my own IMDb page, which was pretty exciting and I don't mind saying it. The documentary I co-produced should be done early next year! (And get this: It's about horror films.)

7. Five months after seeing it, I still can't stress how awesome Let the Right One In is. Ditto [REC].

8. Got a new feline a few months back. Named him "Jonesy," of course. He's a bad-ass spaz of a cat.

9. Am absolutely going to finish script #1, mainly because I have a very cool idea for script #2. Honestly, it's a cool idea. (And get this: They're both horror scripts.)

10. Did I mention the oral surgery?

...I'll be back soon with, I dunno, linkage on new horror reviews probably. That's all I'm really good for these days.

The Siskel & Ebert YouTube Guide!

2008-04-23T08:00:00.007-05:00

OK, so this took a lot longer than I expected. But now it's done (until I do an update) and available for usage! I give you the Siskel & Ebert YouTube Guide! And yes, I'm well aware that there's a very slick S&E archive right here, but it doesn't have most of the ones listed below. Plus it has a lame search function.

28UP (1985) both positive
1984 (1984) S: negative / E: positive

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai (1984) S: positive / E: negative
After the Rehearsal (1984) S: negative / E: positive
Alamo Bay (1984) both negative
Aliens (1986) S: negative / E: positive
Alien 3 (1992) both negative
Alien: Resurrection (1997) both negative

All of Me (1984) both positive
Amadeus (1984) both positive
American Dreamer (1984) both negative
Android (1984) both positive
Angel Heart (1987) S: negative / E: positive
Angelo My Love (1983) both positive

Bachelor Party (1984) S: negative / E: positive
Back to School (1986) both positive
Back to the Future (1985) both positive
Backstage at the Kirov (1984) both negative
La Balance (1983) both positive

The Beach Boys: An American Band (1985) both positive
The Bear (1984) both negative
Belizaire the Cajun (1986) both positive
Better Off Dead (1984) both negative
Birdy (1984) S: negative / E: positive

Bizet's Carmen (1984) both positive
The Black Cauldron (1985) S: negative / E: positive
Blade Runner (1982) both positive (re-release)
Blame It On Rio (1984) S: positive / E: negative
Blood Simple (1985) both positive

Blue Thunder (1983) S: positive / E: negative
Blue Velvet (1986) S: positive / E: negative
Body Double (1984) S: negative / E: positive
Body Rock (1984) both negative
Bolero (1984) both negative

The Bostonians (1984) both positive
Braveheart (1995) both positive
Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984) S: negative / E: positive
Breathless (1983) both negative
Broadway Danny Rose (1984) both positive

Broken Rainbow (1986) both negative
The Buddy System (1983) both negative

Can She Bake a Cherry Pie? (1984) S: negative / E: positive
Careful, He Might Hear You (1984) both negative
Carmen (1983) both positive
Carnosaur (1993) S: positive / E: negative
Champions (1984) both positive
Children of the Corn (1984) both negative
A Chorus Line (1985) both positive

Christine (1983) both positive
A Christmas Story (1983) both positive
Cocoon (1985) both positive
Commando (1985) S: negative / E: positive
Cop and a Half (1993) S: negative / E: positive
The Cotton Club (1984) both positive

Crimes of Passion (1984) both negative
Critters (1986) both positive
Crossover Dreams (1985) both positive

D.C. Cab (1983) both negative
D.A.R.Y.L. (1985) S: negative / E: positive
Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982) both negative
The Dead Zone (1983) both positive
Deadly Eyes (1983) both negative
Deal of the Century (1983) both negative

Die Hard (1988) S: positive / E: negative
Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990) both positive
Die Hard: With a Vengeance (1995) S: negative / E: positive
The Doors (1991) S: positive / E: negative
Down and Out in Beverly Hills (1986) both positive

Dreamscape (1984) S: negative / E: positive
The Dresser (1984) both positive

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982) both positive
Ed Wood (1994) both positive
Eddie Macon's Run (1983) both negative
Eddie Murphy Raw (1987) S: positive / E: negative
Educating Rita (1983) both negative

Edward Scissorhands (1990) both negative
Electric Dreams (1984) both positive
Empire of the Sun (1987) both negative
The Empire Strikes Back (1980) both positive (re-release)
Entre Nous (1984) both positive

Eureka (1984) S: negative / E: positive
Evil Dead 2 (1987) S: negative / E: positive
Explorers (1985) both negative

The Falcon and the Snowman (1985) both positive
Falling Down (1993) S: negative / E: positive
Fargo (1996) both positive
Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986) S: negative / E: positive
Fighting Back (1982) both negative

Firestarter (1984) both negative
A Fish Called Wanda (1988) both positive
The Flamingo Kid (1984) both positive
Fletch (1985) S: positive / E: negative
Fool for Love (1985) both positive
Fraternity Vacation (1985) both negative
Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984) both negative

Garbo Talks (1984) both negative
Ghostbusters (1984) both positive
Good Burger (1997) both negative
Goodbye New York (1985) both negative

Goodfellas (1990) both positive
The Goonies (1985) both positive
A Great Wall (1986) both positive
Gremlins (1984) both positive
Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan (1984) S: negative / E: positive

Halloween (1978) both positive
Happy Gilmore (1996) both negative
Hard Choices (1986) both positive
Hard to Hold (1984) both negative
Harlequin (1983) both negative

Heart Like a Wheel (1983) both negative
Heartbreakers (1984) S: negative / E: positive
Heartburn (1986) both negative
Heat and Dust (1983) S: negative / E: positive
The Heavenly Kid (1985) both negative

Hellbound: Hellraiser 2 (1988) both negative
Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986) both positive
The Hit (1984) both negative
Hollywood Outtakes (1983) both positive
Hot Dog: The Movie (1984) both negative

Iceman (1984) both positive
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989) S: negative / E: positive
Into the Night (1985) both negative
Invasion U.S.A. (1985) both negative
Irreconcilable Differences (1984) both positive

Jagged Edge (1985) both positive
Jaws: The Revenge (1987) both negative
The Jewel of the Nile (1985) S: negative / E: positive
Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life is Calling (1986) both positive
Johnny Dangerously (1984) both negative
The Journey of Natty Gann (1985) both positive
Jurassic Park (1993) both positive

The Karate Kid (1984) both positive
The Keep (1983) both negative
Kids (1995) both positive
Kindergarten Cop (1990)
King David (1985) both negative
Krull (1983) both negative

Ladyhawke (1985) both positive
Last Resort (1986) both negative
The Last Starfighter (1984) S: positive / E: negative
Legend (1985) both negative
Liquid Sky (1984) both negative

The Lonely Guy (1984) S: positive / E: negative
Lonely Hearts (1984) both negative
Lost in America (1985) both positive
Love Letters (1984) both positive
Love Streams (1984) both positive
Lust in the Dust (1985) both negative

Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985) both positive
The Man Who Loved Women (1983) S: positive / E: negative
The Man with One Red Shoe (1985) both negative
Maria's Lovers (1985) both negative
Marie (1985) S: negative / E: positive

Marvin & Tige (1985) both negative
Mask (1985) both positive
Maxie (1985) both negative
Metropolis (1927) re-release
Mike's Murder (1984) both positive

Mischief (1985) both negative
Misery (1990) both positive
Mishima: A Life in Four Chapters (1985) both positive
Misunderstood (1984) both negative
Mr. Hulot's Holiday (1953) both positive (re-release)

Mrs. Soffel (1984) S: positive / E: negative
Movers & Shakers (1985) both negative
Moscow on the Hudson (1984) both positive

Never Cry Wolf (1983) both positive
The Neverending Story (1984) S: negative / E: positive
New Nightmare (1994) S: negative / E: positive
Night of the Living Dead (1990) both negative
The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993) S: negative / E: positive
A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987) both negative

Octopussy (1983) S: positive / E: negative
The Official Story (1985) both positive
Oh, God! You Devil (1984) both positive
Once Upon a Time in America (1984) both negative
The Osterman Weekend (1983) both negative
Out of Bounds (1986) both negative

Paris, Texas (1984) both positive
Perfect (1985) both negative
The Philadelphia Experiment (1984) both negative
Pirates (1986) both negative
Places in the Heart (1984) both positive

Plenty (1985) both positive
Police Academy (1984) both negative
Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986) both negative
Poltergeist (1982) S: negative / E: positive
Poltergeist 3 (1988) both negative
The Pope of Greenwich Village (1984) both positive

Predator (1987) S: negative / E: positive
A Private Function (1984) both positive
Privates on Parade (1984) S: positive / E: negative
Prizzi's Honor (1985) both positive
Pulp Fiction (1994) both positive
The Purple Rose of Cairo (1985) both positive

Racing with the Moon (1984) S: negative / E: positive
Reckless (1984) both negative
Red Dawn (1984) S: positive / E: negative
Red Sonja (1985) both negative
Return of the Jedi (1983) both positive
Return to Oz (1985) both negative

Reuben. Reuben (1984) S: negative / E: positive
Revenge of the Nerds (1984) both positive
Rhinestone (1984) both negative
Richard Pryor ...Here and Now (1983) both positive
The River (1984) both negative
Rob Roy (1996) both positive
Robocop (1987) both positive

Rocky 3 (1982) both negative
Rocky 4 (1985) S: positive / E: negative
Romancing the Stone (1984) both positive
Rumble Fish (1983) S: negative / E: positive
Runaway Train (1985) S: negative / E: positive
Roger & Me (1989) both positive

Sahara (1984) both negative
Schindler's List (1993) both positive
Secret Admirer (1985) both negative
Secret Honor (1984) both positive
Seven (1995) both positive
Sheena (1984) both negative

Short Circuit (1986) both negative
Sid and Nancy (1986) both positive
The Silence of the Lambs (1991) S: negative / E: positive
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984) both negative
Silkwood (1983) both positive

Silverado (1985) both positive
Slapstick of Another Kind (1984) both negative
A Soldier's Story (1984) S: positive / E: negative
Songwriter (1984) both positive
Soul Man (1986) both negative

Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone (1983) both negative
Splash (1984) both negative
Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock (1984) both positive
Still Smokin' (1983) both negative
The Stone Boy (1984) both positive

Stop Making Sense (1984) both positive
Strangers Kiss (1984) both positive
Streets of Fire (1984) S: negative / E: positive
Stripper (1986) S: positive / E: negative
Stuck on You! (1983) both negative

Sudden Impact (1983) S: negative / E: positive
A Sunday in the Country (1985) both positive
Supergirl (1984) both negative
The Sure Thing (1985) both positive
Sweet Dreams (1985) both negative
Swing Shift (1984) S: negative / E: positive
Sylvester (1985) both positive

Tank (1984) S: positive / E: negative
Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991) both positive
Testament (1983) S: negative / E: positive
That Sinking Feeling (1984) both positive
That's Dancing! (1985) both positive

They Don't Wear Black Tie (1983) both negative
This Is Spinal Tap (1984) both positive
Thriller (1983) both negative
Tightrope (1984) both positive
The Times of Harvey Milk (1984) both positive
Top Secret! (1984) S: negative / E: positive
Total Recall (1990) S: negative / E: positive

Tough Enough (1983) S: negative / E: positive
Toy Story (1999) both positive
La Traviata (1983) both positive
The Trout (1983) both negative
True Lies (1994) S: negative / E: positive

Turk 182 (1985) both negative
Two of a Kind (1983) both negative
Unfaithfully Yours (1984) both negative
Until September (1984) both negative
Up the Creek (1984) both positive

Vamp (1986) both negative
Very Bad Things (1998) both negative
A View to a Kill (1985) both negative
Violets are Blue (1986) both positive
Vision Quest (1985) both positive

WarGames (1983) both positive
What's Eating Gilbert Grape (1993) both positive
Where the Boys Are (1984) both negative
Wild at Heart (1990) S: positive / E: negative
The Wild Life (1984) both negative

Windy City (1984) both negative
Witness (1984) both positive
The Woman in Red (1984) both negative
Wrong is Right (1982) both negative

Xtro (1983) both negative
Young Sherlock Holmes (1985) S: negative / E: positive

Special Stuff!

Worst Movies of 1983 Part 1: Jaws 3-D, Amityville 3-D, Porky's 2: The Next Day
Worst Movies of 1983 Part 2: The Sting 2, Smokey and the Bandit 3, Staying Alive (Deal of the Century, The Final Option, Krull, The Lonely Lady, The Osterman Weekend, Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone, Stroker Ace, Trenchcoat)
Winners That Were Losers (1983) Part 1: Divine Madness, Tattoo
Winners That Were Losers (1983) Part 2: Four Friends, Prince of the City
Winners That Were Losers (1983) Part 3: Vernon Florida, Stevie
Best Movies of 1984 Part 1: The Killing Fields, Purple Rain, Stranger Than Paradise
Best Movies of 1984 Part 2: Amadeus, The Cotton Club, Once Upon a Time in America
Worst Movies of 1984 Part 1: Sheena, Rhinestone, Bolero, Cannonball Run 2
Worst Movies of 1984 Part 2: City Heat, Dune (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Windy City, The Woman in Red, Where the Boys Are, Best Defense, Harry & Son, Silent Night Deadly Night)
Worst Movies of 1985 Part 1: Return to Oz, Godzilla 1985, St. Elmo's Fire, Fever Pitch
Worst Movies of 1985 Part 2: Pee Wee's Big Adventure, The Bride, Perfect, Target (Maxie, Brewster's Millions, The Man with One Red Shoe, A View to a Kill)
Best Movies of 1992 Part 1: The Crying Game, Damage, The Player, Under Siege, Unforgiven
Best Movies of 1992 Part 2: Malcolm X, One False Move
Worst Movies of 1992 Part 1: The Babe, Folks, Medicine Man, Toys, Whispers in the Dark
Worst Movies of 1992 Part2: Christoper Columbus: The Discovery, Frozen Assets, Shadows and Fog, Shining Through, Stop or My Mom Will Shoot

1984 episode on Steven Spielberg Part 1, Part 2
1984 episode on Bill Murray Part 1, Part 2
1985 episode on "Movies That Changed The Movies" Part 1, Part 2
1985 episode on "Rebirth of the Western" Part 1, Part 2
1985 episode on Science Fiction films Part 1, Part 2

1985 piece on Albert Brooks
1985 piece on James Dean
1985 piece on Richard Gere

Gotta send a huge dose of thanks to YouTube people firstmagnitude and TheRealFatsquatch, and a few random folks -- but those two guys are the Siskel/Ebert upload masters. So thanks to them!

HHX Update #1

2008-04-17T10:46:00.002-05:00

Yes, yes, despite the fact that I often get these stupid little ideas and then never do a damn thing about them, I'm actually going ahead with the Hammer Horror Xperiment. I certainly hope the nine of you reading this thing aren't expecting full-bore reviews for these movies, because that's what they'd be: boring! Bahaa, jokes are fun.

Anyway I started off poorly, seeing that The Quatermass Experiment (1955) is presently unavailable. No biggie, although I do plan to see this entire trilogy some time soon.

I kicked things off with X: The Unknown (1955), which is a very dry mixture of Alien and The Blob -- only it came out before both of those movies. Definitely not a bad movie, but certainly not the colorfully pulpy sort of Hammer flick I was looking for. Then it was time for The Abominable Snowman (1957), which (again) is very chat-heavy, but it benefits from a fine Peter Cushing performance and a boisterous one from Forrest Tucker. I noticed that even in a horror flick this old, you'll still find the cleverness: It's a movie about a potentially deadly creature, but our main characters have a lot more trouble dealing with A) mother nature, and B) human nature. Still, not the Hammer I had in mind when I started this project, but you gotta start somewhere.

Because of a shipping snafu, I was dealt road-block #2. I'd received the second Dracula flick (Brides of Dracula), but I hadn't watched the first one (Horror of Dracula) yet. (Truth be told, I've seen the '58 Dracula, but it's been way too long.) Annoyed at having to watch part 2 before part 1, I watched part 2 anyway. (Sue me, this stuff's not brain science.) Seeing as how this flick is the old Hammer Dracula flick in which Christopher Lee doesn't appear, I'm guessing that Brides of Dracula (1960) is sort of the Halloween 3 of the series -- but I kinda liked it. The head vampire is (of course) very stagy and goofy, but there's tons of that darkly vibrant Hammer color palette I was looking for. A fun entry, but (I'm sure) not a superior one.

So let's extend that Halloween comparison: Michael Myers returned in Halloween 4, which kinda stunk, and Christopher Lee returned in Dracula 3 -- Dracula: Prince of Darkness (1966) -- which also isn't so good. It's got Lee and Cushing, which makes it intermittently fun by default, but the plot is a toothless and anemic thing indeed. (Yes, two vampire puns for the price of none.)

And then a few days later I got re-acquainted with the very cool Horror of Dracula (as it's known here in the states), the 1958 (loose) adaptation that's every bit the classic those crazy Brits think it is. Many liberties have been taken with the source material, but meh, who cares? (Director) Terence Fisher and (screenwriter) Jimmy Sangster retain just enough of the story to keep the fans happy, but they also head off on their own tangents, too. It's during this movie that I start to get it: Somehow the Hammer guys were re-inventing the classic horrors, and doing so with typically British production design, preparation, and work ethic -- but the filmmakers were also intent on keeping the tone semi-light. Even with its over-red gore, the movies feel a lot like the comic books that inspired Creepshow.

Ah, I forgot. I was also able to catch Curse of the Werewolf (1961), which was Hammer's first and only entry on a lycanthropic level -- and for good reason. The movie has a very blocky structure, with an overlong prologue that goes absolutely nowhere and then an overlong wait for the mayhem to begin. It's still got a great look, and you simply haven't lived until you've seen Oliver Reed suffer the agonies of werewolfism.

On the docket: Die! Die! My Darling! (1965), Night Creatures (1962), Kiss of the Vampire (1963), Phantom of the Opera (1962), Nightmare (1964), Paranoiac (1963), and The Evil of Frankenstein (1964) -- which is annoying because that's Frankenstein Part 3 and I haven't tackled Frankenstein 1 or 2 yet. (Although I get the impression that "franchise continuity" was not of utmost importance at the Hammer House.)

The Hammer Horror Xperiment!

2008-04-08T02:39:00.025-05:00

I've had a pretty busy year so far (and with a lot of travel yet to come!), but I've been trying to organize a new movie assignment for myself, kinda like the time I watched 55 film noir titles in four months or that other time I watched 3 Police Academy movies in one week. And since I love all things British almost as much as I adore horror movies, I figured it was high time for me to tackle one of the genre's most storied franchises: The Hammer.

I've seen a few of these movies over the years, but let's not forget I was raised in the era of Halloween 2 and Friday the 13th 4, so back then ... Hammer Horror just seemed sorta corny. But now that I'm (more than) old enough to appreciate these films for precisely what they are, I figure it's time to get cracking. I've broken the flicks down into four sections, and (with the help of both Netflix, Greencine and Blockbuster) I aim to watch them as chronologically as possible. Obviously I'll be back with (hopefully frequent) updates.

Section 1 (1955 -- 1960)

Section 2 (1961 -- 1965)

Section 3 (1966 -- 1970)

Section 4 (1971 -- 1976)

Blood from the Mummy's Tomb (1971)
Dr. Jekyll & Sister Hyde (1971)
Lus t for a Vampire (1971)
Demons of the Mind (1972)
Dracula A.D. 1972 (1972)
Fear in the Night (1972)
Straight on Till Morning (1972)
The Satanic Rites of Dracula (1973)
The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires (1974)
Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell (1974)
Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter (1974)
To the Devil a Daughter (1976)

These ones are either unavailable or more difficult to track down, but I will start searching once I'm done with the Xperiment: The Two Faces of Dr. Jekyll (1960), Taste of Fear (1961), The Damned (1963), Maniac (1963), The Old Dark House (1963), The Gorgon (1964), Crescendo (1970), The Vampire Lovers (1970), Countess Dracula (1971), Twins of Evil (1971), Hands of the Ripper (1971), and Vampire Circus (1972).

Any Hammer freaks out there? Have I missed any noteworthy titles? (Special thanks to this website for being a great research tool.)

An Odd Experience and a Quick Retort

2008-03-18T20:26:00.004-05:00

So I'm over at Wawa getting my coffee and cigarettes, standing in line to pay for my goodies, and there's an early-30's guy in a wheelchair right in front of me. The line was moving fairly slow, so (as Philadelphians often do) the line-standers engaged in some small banter about the crappy weather.

Wheelchair guy gets his smokes and leaves. I pay for my stuff and leave, but before I get into the car, I notice that wheelchair guy is A) by himself, and B) hoisting himself into his car. The wheelchair is sitting in the rain, next to his car. As I'm pulling out to leave, I roll my window down and have the following exchange:

Me: Hey man, you need a hand with the chair?
Him: (unexpectedly snidely) Um, no. I've got lots of experience taking care of myself, thanks very much.
Me: (after a quiet pause) Know what? My mom has lots of experience loading groceries into her car, but if someone offered to help her out in the pouring rain, I'd appreciate that.

Then I drove away.

A Random Dispatch from Austin

2008-03-16T17:41:00.003-05:00

Hello, all. I'm leaving Austin tomorrow night and heading back to Philly, but I have a 4.7-minute window between watching, writing, and eating, so I thought I'd say hi.

Far as SXSW, I've got reviews, interviews and random et cetera on both Cinematical and FEARnet, which is awesome because I love my jobs. But the best thing about any festival that I attend in Austin is ... the Alamo Drafthouse. No, not really. It's actually the peoples. The local friends, of course, but also the festival regulars AND my long-standing posse of awesome film junkies like Childress, Snider, Goss, Whyte, Voynar, Kernion, Martin, Davis, new addition Addington, etc. etc..

As always, the films have been (mostly) top-notch, the food's great, the parties are fun, and on and on and on -- but if it weren't for all my friends, "professional" friends, and random colleagues, even the world's coolest film festival would feel a bit lonely. So thanks to all.

Plus Doomsday was fun.

25 up, 25 down! Bring on SXSW.

2008-01-28T00:54:00.000-06:00

For the first time in six years, I actually reviewed EVERY movie I saw at Sundance / Slamdance. That never happens. Hence the phrase "for the first time in six years," I guess. Here's everything:

Cinematical

Adventures of Power (Ari Gold, Michael Mckean / D: Ari Gold)
Blind Date (Stanley Tucci, Patricia Clarkson / D: Stanley Tucci)
Good Dick (Jason Ritter, Marianna Palka / D: Marianna Palka)
The Great Buck Howard (John Malkovich, Colin Hanks / D: Sean McGinly)
The Merry Gentleman (Michael Keaton, Kelly Macdonald / D: Michael Keaton)
The Mysteries of Pittsburgh (Jon Foster, Sienna Miller / D: Rawson Marhsall Thurber)
Pretty Bird (Billy Crudup, Paul Giamatti / D: Paul Schneider)
Quid Pro Quo (Nick Stahl, Vera Farmiga / D: Carlos Brooks)
The Visitor (Richard Jenkins, Haaz Sleiman / D: Tom McCarthy)
The Wackness (Josh Peck, Ben Kingsley / D: Jonathan Levine)
What Just Happened? (Robert De Niro, John Turturro / D: Barry Levinson)

FEARnet (a few reviews are still on my editor's desk)

Baghead (Ross Partridge, Greta Gerwig / D: Jay & Mark Duplass)
The Broken (Lena Headey, Richard Jenkins / D: Sean Ellis)
Choke (Sam Rockwell, Kelly Macdonald / D: Clark Gregg)
Donkey Punch (Julian Morris, Tom Burke / D: Olly Blackburn)
Downloading Nancy (Maria Bello, Rufus Sewell / D: Johan Renck)
Fear(s) of the Dark (b&w animated french horror anthology)
Funny Games (Naomi Watts, Michael Pitt / D: Michael Haneke)
Hell Ride (Michael Madsen, Larry Bishop / D: Larry Bishop)
Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer (Trevor Matthews, Robert Englund / D: Jon Knautz)
Paranormal Activity (D: Oren Peli)
Red (Brian Cox, Tom Sizemore / D: Diesen & McKee)
Spine Tingler: The William Castle Story (D: Jeffrey Schwarz)
Trailer Park of Terror (Nichole Hiltz, Priscilla Barnes / D: Steven Goldmann)
Trans-siberian (Emily Mortimer, Woody Harrelson / D: Brad Anderson)

...oh, and then I came home and had to review Meet the Spartans. It felt like a punishment.

( ** asterisks are for internal use only. OK, fine, they're there to remind me which reviews still need to be linked at Rotten Tomatoes and IMDb. There, happy?)

omgomgomg peter jackson hobbit omgomg

2007-12-18T10:34:00.000-06:00

This is AWESOME news. OK, so he probably won't be directing, but those who were worried that there'd be little "visual continuity" between the Lord of the Rings flicks and the two Hobbit movies can now rest a lot easier.

Read the full story at Cinematical. Oh yay.

Another Piece of My Childhood, Gone

2007-12-12T23:35:00.000-06:00

It certainly wasn't the finest movie theater in Northeast Philadelphia, but I saw a LOT of movies at the Orleans when I was growing up. Really good stuff like Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, but also a lot of Police Academys and Friday the 13ths. So sad. Oh, and I saw Mannequin there.

Thanks very much to EddieJ for snagging this snapshot. Here's a few more.

What's All This Then?

2007-11-05T15:28:00.000-06:00

I still need to do a wrap-up of Fantastic Fest -- or you can go to Cinematical.com and click on the Fantastic Fest tab. But I will do something soon.

But here's some news: I'm in London right now! Well, not London, actually. East Croydon it's called. It's a nice, normal, middle-class town just south of London. I'm staying with a wonderful pair of friends called Paul & Johanna, spending the week surrounded by new horror movies (Shrooms, Welcome to the Jungle, WAZ, Black Water, Diary of the Dead, Planet Terror, Inside, Frontiere(s), and a few others) and a metric tonne of lovable Brits.

They have tons of Ians in this country, and every one of 'em seems to be great. I'll be back in Philly on the 12th, although after watching last night's Eagles/Cowboys game (yes, I got a Philly game LIVE on British TV. Thank you, Channel Five!) I'm thinking that home must be a pretty cranky place right now.

The In Between Days

2007-09-14T03:45:00.001-05:00

Yes, that small patch of September that falls after the Toronto Film Festival but before Austin's Fantastic Fest. Yes, I go from swanky hotels and Thandie Newton sightings to barbecued carnage and beer-drinkin' gorehounds without missing a beat. (And guess which fest feels more like home.) But with "TIFF" in the rear-view I figured a solid report was in order. Yes, complete with links to my full reviews. I'm sneaky that way.

The Walker -- Woody Harrelson as an effeminate schemer who gets all ostracized on a social level. Never woulda guessed this was a Paul Schrader flick.

The Orphanage -- Admit it: Abandoned orphanages are scary. Especially the ones found in Spain! Jokes aside, this is one of the best flicks I've seen all year.

Vexille -- High-end animayhem with a rockin' Oakenfold beat.

Dainipponjin (aka Big Man Japan) -- Certifiably insane. Trust me.

Stuck -- Yet another reason to be a big Stuart Gordon fan.

The Mother of Tears -- Harsh, nasty, weird and funny. Argento's most entertaining flick in years.

Juno -- Ugh, check the review. It reads like a goopy, soppy love letter to a girl who dumped me but I still think I can get her back.

They Wait -- A stiff-but-watchable Canadian ghost chiller that earns points by bringing in some Eastern flair. But not many.

Eastern Promises -- Witness the naked fury of Viggo Mortensen. Literally.

Sukiyaki Western Django -- Stylized Miike weirdness with too much chit-chat.

Just Buried -- Low-key Canadian dark comedy about two young people who kill folks to keep their funeral home afloat. Rose Byrne is so dang cute.

Frontiere(s) -- A thick and goopy stew composed of 14 other horror movies, but it's delivered with such sweat, slime and excitement that it's tough not to play along.

Elizabeth: The Golden Age -- Yeah, so it's Masterpiece Theater for Dummies, so what? The thing looks awesome, the story is actually decipherable, there's lots of soap opera hijinks, and Cate Blanchett continues to be a goddess. Fun stuff says me.

Redacted -- De Palma goes low-tech with this familiar-yet-novel war flick. Familiar because we've heard a lot of these perspectives by now, but novel because of the multi-handycam approach. Plus it's brief, ballsy, and sure to get people talking.

Diary of the Dead -- Yeeha, good ol' Georgie hooks us up yet again. It's a different approach to the genre, but since when is that a bad thing? Oh, and that Amish guy just kills me.

Sleuth -- A slight, slick, shiny little trifle that'll suitably entertain its target audience for 85 minutes and then slip out of the brain-pan without even a trace. I dug it for Michael Caine alone, but Jude Law's pretty cool too.

The Passage -- Another one of those "don't trust anyone who's not white and American" stories in which someone who's white and American trusts someone who's tan and Arabic ... and really lives to regret it. Nice to know Stephen Dorff is still around though.

Cleaner -- Renny Harlin directs Samuel L. Jackson, Ed Harris, Eva Mendes, Luis Guzman and Robert Forster in this tale of a professional gore-cleaner who scrubs the wrong crime scene and gets embroiled in a plainly noir-ish web.

Margot at the Wedding -- Hey, I really like The Squid and the Whale, so don't call me names for thinking Baumbach's follow-up is an ugly, tiresome and sweaty little mess. The American Pie trilogy is less bodily-function-obsessed than this movie. Jennifer Jason Leigh is awesome. That's the bright spot. You'll also get to see Nicole Kidman masturbate AND Jack Black's naked ass. Enjoy.

The Take -- John Leguizamo does some very fine work in this generally familiar tale of "guy gets shot, slowly gets better, starts wondering about who shot him in the first place." Rosie Perez is good too. And Bobby Cannavale is starting to really grow on me.

Death Defying Acts -- A handsome and entertaining (if not exactly spectacular) period piece about a dime-store "psychic" (Catherine Zeta-Jones) and her brief relationship with the legendary Harry Houdini. Probably worth watching if only for Guy Pearce's charming portrayal of HH ... but it's also nice to look at the Zeta for 90-some minutes, too.

Reservation Road -- Three damn good performances stuck in a push-button-topic drama that'd seem more at home on the Lifetime Channel. Joaquin Phoenix, Mark Ruffalo and Jennifer Connelly play three parents whose lives (ahem) collide after a fatal car crash. Possibly worth seeing just for the performances, but that's why matinees are cheaper than night-time shows.

Flash Point -- Hyper-kinetic Hong Kong action insanity. If you're a fan of the stuff, you'll be a fan of this.

The Devil's Chair -- British horror flick that borrows liberally (and openly) from Lovecraft to Voorhees and everybody in between. The result is a quick-clip hyper-gory hack-fest that'll keep the fans happy. Sick, simple, and surprisingly handsome to look at.

Inside (A l'interieur) -- A memorably intense French piece about a very pregnant woman, a very psychotic mega-bitch, and a very sharp scissors. Yeah, they go there. Amazingly bloody, lip-chewingly tense, all sorts of dark and disturbing fun. Go Frenchmen!

Next week: A long and lovely trip to Fantastic Fest. Expect reports and pics (from both festivals) soon. Yes, all nine of you.

A Revelation!

2007-09-03T23:48:00.000-05:00

I just now figured out why I haven't been posting much in this blog: It's because I created the thing to talk about my (um) "adventures in moviewatching," and over the past several months -- I haven't HAD any adventures. It's been nothing but sequels, spin-offs, and shit-storms! But I head up to the Toronto Film Festival in a few days, so expect a few 'adventures' from there. And then a few weeks later, it's the bestest week of the year: Fantastic Fest! And there'll definitely be some fun to be found there.

So yay. I'm not a pathetic slacker who let his blog die. I was just enjoying a summer vacation. And since you've been so patient, here's what I thought of (most of) the Summer '07 Movies.

Loved / Liked a Lot: 28 Weeks Later, Bourne Ultimatum, Bug, Death at a Funeral, Fido, The King of Kong, Knocked Up, Pirates 3, The Simpsons Movie, Sunshine, Superbad, Waitress

Hated: Evan Almighty, The Invasion, Halloween

Meh, who cares? Summer's over, and get a load of whose new movies I could see at Toronto: John Sayles, George Romero, Dario Argento, Sidney Lumet, Stuart Gordon, David Cronenberg, Julie Taymor, Kenneth Branagh, Woody Allen, Paul Schrader, Terry George, Shekhar Kapur, Tony Gilroy, Takashi Miike, Neil Jordan, Michael Moore, Todd Haynes, Paul Haggis, Sean Penn, Ang Lee, Noah Baumbach, Peter Greenaway, Brian De Palma, Gus Van Sant, and The Coen Brothers!! Oh and Renny Harlin too. Ha.

Anyway, my coverages will be mostly at Cinematical, although I'll do some horror reports for FEARnet too. And I'm not flying this year. Me and fellow critic James Berardinelli are going to share a car ride north. I bet we talk about movies...

Apologies

2007-08-19T17:19:00.000-05:00

I hate it when someone starts up a blog, posts regularly, and then drops off the face of the goddam earth. And yet I did precisely that. Suffice to say I've had a busy-slash-crappppppy summer, but things are looking a bit up lately. Feeling much more productive these days, so all nine of you can expect some random updates soon.

Thanks for asking,

Random Movie Blather

2007-05-11T16:44:00.000-05:00

Hey all. I never was able to make it into NYC to catch a Heckler screening, but I'll be keeping an eye out for it. (Frankly I wasn't about to be the guy who drives down to NY, dropping large cash along the way, just to see some sour grapes flick in which I'm trashed without being given the opportunity to defend myself.) Plus I've had a whole bunch of work to get finished.

But remember a few weeks back when I felt really guilty about trashing The Hills Have Eyes 2 after I was invited to visit the set and all that jazz? And how I'd also been on the 28 Weeks Later set and I was desperately praying that I'd like that movie? Well, it comes out today and I'm very relieved to report that, yes, I definitely did enjoy the 28 Days Later sequel. (Full review linkage below.) By the way, if Waitress has opened in your city ... go see it. I'm not about to start gushing again, but let's just say that if this movie doesn't make my year-end Top 10 list, then we're in for one awesome year at the movies.

Anyway, Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there. Below you'll find a bunch of stuff I've written recently. Hope some if it entertains you.

The Ex -- Depressing to see so many people spinning their wheels for so little payoff.
28 Weeks Later -- Dark, nasty fun.
Cutthroat Island -- Gee, I wonder why this is getting a double-dip this month...
Spider-Man 3 -- Big disappointment. Anyone who calls this "the best of the three" is on the crack.
Born to Fight -- Mega-crazy Thai action. Here's the 1986 version as well as the 2004.
Tsunami: The Aftermath -- Well-intentioned, well-shot, well-acted, and, well, boring.
Wilderness Survival for Girls -- Strange indie thriller.
Off the Black -- A quiet little indie I dug. Nolte rocks.
The Hitcher -- Yes, the remake. Ugh.
The Invisible -- Surprisingly watchable. (Get it?)
Kickin' It Old Skool -- More like Suckin' It Big Time.
The Thirst -- Goofy indie amalgam of Near Dark and Requiem for a Dream.
Zombies Gone Wild -- The worst thing I've seen in a year.
Black Christmas -- Yes, the remake. Ugh.
Next -- 3 out of 10 critics liked it. I'm one of 'em.
Fletch -- Classic comedy. Lame-ass "special edition" DVD.
Vacancy -- No-frills and slickly effective. Makes for a great double feature with Identity.
Spider-Man 2.1 -- A great movie made a little bit better.
Fracture -- Didn't expect to, but I dug it.
Seraphim Falls -- Guess I'm just a sucker for a Western filled with broad symbolism.
Gamebox 1.0 -- Weird.
Pathfinder -- Florid junkheap. And this from a guy who liked The 13th Warrior.
Spiral -- Solid indie drama-thriller that's not out yet.
Perfect Stranger -- Perfect crap.
Slow Burn -- Very slow.
Phantasm -- New Special Edition DVD!
Phantasm 3 -- New ... Special Edition DVD?

But yeah: Take your mom to see Waitress this weekend. Thank me later.

Oh Jeez, now JAMIE KENNEDY doesn't like me...

2007-04-29T22:20:00.000-05:00

Sad but true: Apparently actor/comedian Jamie Kennedy, who is almost precisely my age, hails from a Philadelphia suburb where I spent most of my high school weekends, and seems like a guy I'd definitely get along with on a social level if we were both famous or both nobodies, officially hates me. Here's what I've gathered so far:

Tonight a documentary called Heckler played at the Tribeca Film Festival. How do I know this? Because I've just received a handful of emails from my NY-based colleagues, all of whom found it very amusing that Jamie Kennedy trashes one of my reviews in the film. (Apparently the movie is about how comics deal with hecklers, but is also about how comic actors deal with online film critics.) I've not yet seen the movie, but from what I've been told Mr. Kennedy reads through my entire review of a lame-ass movie called Stricken, mentions me by name, and then says "eFilmCritic ... whatever that is." (Keep in mind the movie he's talking about is called Stricken ... whatever that is.)

By the way, eFilmCritic (along with its sister website, Hollywood Bitchslap) is a pretty popular movie review site that's been going strong for the better part of a decade now. We actually have the largest collection of original movie reviews on the internet, and our readers include famous folks like Jamie Kennedy. Having said that, can we forgo the "whatever that is" bullshit already? It's not my fault if the only reviews you read come from your local paper or Variety.

But it's all good. Obviously as a film critic I can't be a whining hypocrite and not weather the storm when a little criticism is flung my way. (For the record, go find a copy of Stricken and tell me I'm wrong about the movie.) Although I wouldn't have minded defending my criticisms (as several critics in the film were asked to do), I honestly have no problem with Jamie Kennedy bashing my work in his new movie, because lord knows I've spent plenty of time bashing Kennedy in my movie reviews...

Wait a sec. That's not true at all. Just a few searches through my old reviews yield the following opinions:

From my (positive) review of Malibu's Most Wanted: "Jamie Kennedy has proven he can be a damn funny guy. Somehow wresting the Scream spotlight from the frothing lunatic that is Matthew Lillard and capably presenting a consistently amusing TV series, it's clear that Jamie has some solid comedy chops."

From my (negative) review of Stricken: "The only cast member worthy of note (and probably the only reason this movie from 1998 is just now receiving a video release) is Jamie Kennedy, star of Scream and the surprisingly funny TV show The Jamie Kennedy Experiment."

From my (very negative) review of Son of the Mask: "What's saddest about the whole obnoxious affair is that lead actor Jamie Kennedy seems to be trying really hard. It's like watching a guy on the Titanic trying to save the ship using only a sponge and a bucket."

From my (very negative) review of Kickin' It Old Skool, which I wrote less than 24 hours ago: "Truth be told, I held a small semblance of positivity as I walked into Kickin' It Old Skool, as I find that Jamie Kennedy can (on occasion and usually in small doses) be a pretty funny guy."

Somehow I doubt any of these things are mentioned in Heckler, because criticizing your critics is good juicy fun, but acknowledging a compliment, well, that's just boring. I'm wondering what sort of insight will be attached to the dissection of my Stricken review, but my advice to Mr. Kennedy or anyone who is very sensitive to stinging criticisms is this: Stop making movies this awful. I'd love to sit down and watch Kickin' It Old Skool with Jamie Kennedy, a bong, and a pizza. He seems like a pretty smart guy, so there's literally no way he could look me in the eye and say it's a good movie. Even on a "guilty pleasure" level, the thing's about as base and amateurish as a movie can possibly be.

Anyway, here's the official Heckler website. Check out the trailer and tell me if you think it's a little bit funny that they use a positive blurb from The NY Sun ("whatever that is") in an effort to sell their movie to an audience. See, this is what I call hypocrisy. What is it? If some writer admires Son of the Mask, they're OK, but if they trash it then that writer is some virgin loser who lives in his mother's basement? If I see Heckler and sincerely enjoy it, than I'm a professional writer who's both intelligent and insightful. If I see Heckler and think it stinks, then I'm a pathetic dork who knows nothing. Sorry, doesn't wash.

Despite the fact that I'm criticized in the film for daring to share my own opinion about a bad movie, I hold no ill will towards Heckler. (I'm told it's a pretty fun movie.) I'm just hoping it offers more insights than the generally-offered retorts, both of which are specious at best and insipid at worst. One is "I'm right and you're wrong because I'm rich and semi-famous while you are poor and anonymous." The other is "Oh, you dorky movie critics are nothing but failed filmmakers." I've had both of these responses thrown at me from several actors and filmmakers over the years, and both statements pretty much signal the end of the conversation. For the record, 1. "Yes, you're rich and semi-famous and I am poor and anonymous, so why do you even care what I have to say?," and 2. "I know a lot of film critics, and as far as I can tell, none of them are failed filmmakers. They're professional writers who have an insatiable appetite for movies." Which explains why they walk into Kickin' It Old Skool hoping to say nice things and walk out both disappointed and nauseous.

I'll be back with an update once I actually see all of Heckler for myself. I feel shitty even talking about a movie I haven't seen yet, frankly.