Bliss in Bloom

Pseudo SAHM

2008-07-26T11:31:00.006-05:00

Aside from being unemployed, and not knowing how I'm going to pay my rent, this past week has been absolutely wonderful. I'm pretty sure that there is a blessing in all of this, and having time to spend with my sons is it.

The best thing about my life is that I am a Mommy. Jackson and Noah are the reason I'm alive, they are my purpose for being. The worst thing about being a single Mom is that I'm not able to give them more of me. When I'm working I don't have time to play as much, there's a schedule and a pace to keep. I'm usually tired in the evenings, and my boys who have been in school and daycare all day are usually cranky. It's hard to make things different when the only way to keep things afloat is just to keep going.

This week has been a total reversal of all that though. I have just been Mommy, and the difference in my home and in the attitudes of my boys is obvious.

It occurred to me that it's not just me that my boys don't get to spend time with, but they also don't spend much time with each other. They are four years apart, so they aren't even in the same summer programs at daycare. When we get home in the evenings, those few hours are all the time we get together. This realization has shaken me to my core. Is it possible that we are a little family of strangers?

I have to go back to work, and I'm praying it's soon, but I'm still going to be sad when it happens. Just this one week of us three being together has made a major difference. There's a contentment that we haven't had in a long time. There's a calm. A precious calm, and I don't want it to go away.

So, rather than focusing on the sadness of all this, I'm going to call it a blessing. I'm thanking God for giving us this time together.

These sweet faces are the better than any mountain, any job, or any man.

I'm not going to write anymore of these gut wrenching posts for a while. I think I'm giving off depressing vibes, and I don't mean to. Hopefully I'll start a new job next week while my boys are at their Dads house, and I will be too busy to miss them too much.

The Sound of Settling

2008-07-22T12:56:00.007-05:00

I'm in the process of accepting the fact that I am staying in Oklahoma. This is a heartbreak that most people in my life don't appreciate or understand at all. I can't make them, and they don't have to. But, all the same, the sadness I am experiencing is unmatchable, and I just have to accept it.

I haven't been allowing myself to think about it actually. Sometimes when you feel something solo the fact that there's a void of validation is helpful. Helpful only in that no one is bringing it up, so you don't have to think about it unless you want to. And I for sure haven't wanted to.

I moved back to Oklahoma from Jackson Hole, Wyoming almost two years ago. I haven't been happy about it, not even once. Whether it be the Teton's or the Rockies, there is no place on earth that feeds my spirit the way living in the mountains does. I don't know why.

Everyone in my family thinks I have an escapism mentality. They think I want to run away from my life and my responsibilities, and that my desire to be in the mountains is just an excuse to do that. My friends don't really get it either. I don't try to explain it anymore, and for the most part I don't talk about it anywhere but here. Nonetheless though, the enormity of this compulsion never goes away. There isn't one day that passes that I don't think about it. In fact, just writing about it now is causing my eyes to well up. The desire is constant, and I can't make it go away.

Marisa called me on Sunday, she asked me if I had watched Into The Wild (watch the video). I hadn't heard of it, but she told me I needed to watch it ASAP. She told me that she had chills while she watched it, and that she thought of me the whole time. I ordered it OnDemand, and watched it as soon as we hung up.

I have never, ever, ever seen a movie that so paralleled my spirit before. This guy, Alexander Supertramp, had the same thing in him that I have in me. I'm not alone. He might have been escaping, but that wasn't his goal. He was living. He LIVED his life. Regardless of the fact that he died, he lived doing it.

It was validating to watch that movie, but also to see that my best friend finally understood me.

But here I am, in 'keep up with Jones'' land. Here I am, and I don't want any of it. I don't want the half million dollar homes that most of my friends are buying right now. I don't want a fancy corporate job again. I don't care if I drive a beater. I'm here though, and I have to suck it up. These are the best things that life here seems to offer, and they are just things.

Bigger, more, better, more expensive, those are what people are spending their whole lives trying to attain. I don't want that life. But, to make the most out of being here then I will have to. Otherwise I can just stay in this apartment, and feel the fact that no one relates to simplicity the rest of my life. My boys need the best I can give them here.

I want to work for the lodge, and live in a tiny two bedroom employee housing cabin. I want my boys to go to the school that only has 40 other kids, but teaches them to climb and ski. I want to make a meager income and live simply, perched on a mountainside. When I step outside each day the crisp mountain air will kiss my face... and that is enough.

I want to raise my sons there, and I was doing it, I was there... but I had to move back to Oklahoma. (I'm crying right now, can you tell?)

It looks like I'll be staying in Oklahoma for at least a few more years. I'm forcing down the bitter pill. I'm trying to find reasons to be happy about it. I'm trying to embrace all the good that is here. I'm about to apply for city and government jobs for the amazing benefits, and the near impossibility of ever being downsized.

I'm going to conform. I'm becoming an Okie again. I have to let it happen, I have to embrace it or be miserable. I've been miserable long enough. I'm going to find happiness here, somehow.

"For by and by the mist shall lift, and plain it all He'll make. Through all the way, though dark to me, He made not one mistake."

Happy Camper Comes Home

2008-07-20T11:30:00.010-05:00

My son came home from church camp Friday. When he got off the bus he was smiling. Honestly, I've never seen him so happy and content. He had an amazing time, and he was full of stories. I was probably more excited to hear them than he was to tell them though.

Jackson was at the same camp I grew up going to. I had some of the best times of my life there. I was seven the first time, and went back every summer until I graduated from high school.

I couldn't wait to trade memories with him. So I took him for snow cones, and made him to spill the beans.

He said they didn't do Mud Mountain this year, but he got to wrestle pigs instead. There wasn't any pig wrestling when I was there. He said he chased the pig and it was really big, and he grabbed it's back legs and the pig squealed really loud. He thought it was hilarious.

He said that Push Ball was the funnest game, and I told him I agreed. He liked horseback riding, and played a lot of tether ball.

I asked him about walking up Glory Road. (Glory Road is a trail that leads to the top of the Arbuckle Mtns, there are three lighted crosses on top. Service is held there one night, and traditionally boys ask girls to walk up Glory Road with them. It's kind of a big deal.) I asked him if he asked a girl to go up with him. Evidently he only did it because he was triple-dog-dared to, so he had no choice. He said he asked her, and she said 'no' and walked away, and he glad he didn't have to walk with a stupid girl anyway.

I was trying to pull as many details as I could out of him, and he obliged. But, just when I thought he was done, he opened up and gave me the best camp story I've ever heard.

There were 14 little boys in his room, and they had two adult counselors. One night, after lights out, Craig and Steve announced their mission. O.F.H. aka Operation Frog Hunt was about to begin. They snuck down to the creek with buckets and collected as many frogs as they could find. One of the counselors had a master key, so while the rest of the camp slept, my son and his friends deposited frogs in all the other boy cabins. Mayhem ensued, and it was hilarious... until the Deans came.

For punishment the boys, and their two fine counselors, had to 'march 'til dawn.' He said they marched in a line around the campgrounds 24 times, and it was the best time he's had in his life. At around 4 am they stopped marching and went swimming in the creek. This was actually the best time he ever had in his life, he clarified. They had breakfast K.P. duty at 6 am. Jackson said he almost fell asleep while working the slop bucket. I told him that I always did the serving line at K.P., but he told me the slop bucket was way cooler than that.

He said he was still hearing the songs from service in his head. He sang them to me, and did the motions. He loved the speaker, and said that learning more about the Bible was really cool. He read the entire 91st Psalm all by himself, over and over. He said he is trying to memorize it.

My old-school-camper-Mommy-heart was so swollen with gratitude. Going to this camp is a legacy in my family. My Mom even went to that camp when she was little. I know first hand the kind of impact camp can have on a little life. And being able to watch my son experience it might be the sweetest blessing ever.

Jackson was so happy that he willingly kissed me. This alone was worth the price of camp, if nothing else.

When we got home I unzipped his bag to find lots of dirt, soaking wet clothes, and perfectly folded underwear and socks.

Noah will be going to camp when he turns seven too. I must instill better hygiene habits in my sons before then. I have a new mission.

It's My Quirkee Time of the Month

2008-07-17T07:10:00.000-05:00

As you may or may not recall, in addition to being a blogger, I'm also a columnist at Quirkee.com.

It's a weekly column called From the Mouths of Babes, and there are three other babes who also write for it. Lotus aka Sarcastic Mom, Kadi Prescott, and dkaye are my esteemed cohorts. I'm super honored to be in such fine company. We take turns (because they make us) and it's my turn again this week.

Please go read my article I'll Show You Nuts, and leave comments that make me want to send you virtual hugs and kisses all night long.

My Kid Left For Camp Today, and All I Got Was a Panic Attack

2008-07-14T21:40:00.006-05:00

A) He's too little to get on that big bus without me, period.

B) You might see enthusiasm here, I see all kinds of child labor laws being violated.

C) Look! They've got him under the bus!!

D) See!! He's terrified! (call it dodging the goodbye kiss from Mom if you must, but it's straight trepidation, no matter how you look at it.)

E) Look at these helpless children! They're being led off to frolic on hillsides, slide down 'mud mountain', hike, and play games in creeks. Off to sleep in bunk bed filled cabins. Off to try to win Super Group through horrific rituals like K.P. and B.P. and winning flag football games. They are frightened, my son is begging me not to make him go... look!

Beginning a New Lifetime

2008-07-13T15:18:00.002-05:00

A friend of mine was telling me about his grandmother recently, about how she was married to his grandfather for twenty-something years. That grandfather passed away when my friend was seven years old. His grandmother remarried, and now, thirty-something years later, she has been married to his step-grandfather longer than she was married to his biological grandfather.

I said to my friend, without thinking it out first, that it's amazing how we get so many lifetimes in our one lifetime. Ever since I said those words they have been replaying in my mind, like a loop. A 'this is a significant moment of awareness' loop, and I know I have to pay attention to the subliminal messages locked inside that single statement. This is a turning point in my own life, and I know it.

When his grandmother was married the first time, I bet she never once considered that she would be married to someone else one day. I bet she never considered that in her second marriage she would have a longer lifetime that she did in her first.

I'm sure that she was devastated when her husband passed away. It was probably very hard for her to move beyond that grief too. Being a woman and a mother, I can almost feel that sense of loss. After she remarried, I imagine that she still had moments of grieving for the loss of her old life. But, she lived, she survived it. Now, in her latter years, I'm sure there is an incredible sense of gratitude. Gratitude for all the lifetimes she has had, and the magical intertwining of occurrences that define her existence. A full life, lived.

I see now that my own life will hold it's own lifetimes, and it already has. And, it's okay. It's okay to move out of one, and into another. It's okay to feel loss about it, it's okay to grieve a past lifetime. It's okay to not see the meaning, or understand. It's okay to not know why. It's okay to look beyond right now, and it's okay to anticipate a great new life.

I'm not who I once was. I'm not who I will be either. I'm me though, I'm me living my current lifetime. The me that I will be when I'm 85 will be the me that was created over the course of my all lifetimes.

What I have seen as the end is really just the start of a new beginning. Oh how exciting it is to finally see this. To finally realize that there will be another lifetime after this. I don't know what it is, but I'm there. I'm standing at the threshold, and I've been prepared. I'm ready now, and I know it.

The Task at Hand

2008-07-10T10:54:00.008-05:00

It's been more than a month since I deep cleaned my apartment, and it's not pretty. I've got a big weekend ahead, and I will have a guest, so I pretty much have to clean like a mad woman today.

I waited until the very last moment to get it done, of course. That's what I do. I procrastinate.

There's always time to clean, right? I can always do it later, you know, after I get my daily dose of hours wasted online and whatnot. I have my priorities in order people.

I have to fold six loads of laundry, because the customary love seat laundry rotation has actually become an eyesore.

I need to mop the bathrooms and kitchen. I have to swiffer my shelves and pictures, and eradicate numerous dust bunnies from the dark corners of my abode. Someone fetch me my allergy pills.

I must wash sheets. I also have to make my sons beds; which incidentally haven't been made since the last time they slept in them... more than a week ago. I should have had my boys clean their own rooms too!

I'm determined to hang up all the clothes that are laying in a pile on my bedroom floor this time. I won't throw them on my closet floor and shut the door, I pinky swear. I have to pinky swear, because my other fingers are crossed.

Let's face it, I'm lazy and hate dealing with clothes. Sure, I love to buy them and wear them. I even enjoy washing them, in fact I look forward to bleaching my whites. I love stain removers. I'm ever so choosy about my soaps, and the dryer always gets three sheets of Bounce. It's the folding, and hanging, and putting away that I struggle with. And by 'struggle with' I mean refuse to do. Yes, I know I'm a 32 year old woman, and yes I know it's pathetic. I even know that my mother is ashamed, yet I still struggle with the latter part of laundry.

Panic and running short on time makes for adequate motivation though, and an even greater sense of accomplishment once it's done. I have that to look forward to, if nothing else.

James River Float Trip in Pictures

2008-07-08T10:36:00.013-05:00

Hootontown look out! Becky, Piper, and Jeena

Hot guys in the back of a truck, hot dog! The Fireman, Uli, Brad, and Michael.

Rental Shack

Jeena

Piper, Uli, the Fireman, Brad, Jeena, Carie, Becky, and Michael. The river doesn't know what it's in for.

Brad and Becky

Me and the Fireman

The James is a beautiful river.

Lunch break - Becky, Michael, and Brad

Becky

Uli, Carie, Piper, and the Fireman

The Fireman made for excellent eye candy.

Rare form moments, caught on camera. Not the most flattering shots in the world, but this is what fun times on a river look like... and it's all good.

One of the many times Carie fell down in the water, it was hilarious though, obviously.

Uli and Brad

Uli

Carie

I don't really recall, but I think I was being towed...

... and talking the Fireman into giving me a smoke.

***

After our 11 mile float, we went back to Brad and Carie's house. I ~~passed out~~ took a nice long nap. Then we had a wonderful dinner and worked on recapping the days events. I am kicking myself for not taking any photos with my own camera, thankfully Carie shared hers with me.

I must say that Brad and Carie are the most welcoming and warm hosts ever. They have such a beautiful home, and their sons are too precious. Their friends are terrific people, and I was privileged to be invited into their circle. I hope to visit them again soon, as I'm sure that I have made friends for life.

The only casualty of this float trip was my shorts, and that's not too bad. Perhaps on our next float down the James I'll find them stuck under this tree...

Heat, and More Heat

2008-07-06T20:56:00.006-05:00

I got home from my trip to Missouri a few hours ago. It was a fantastic weekend, and there's lots of good stories to tell, but you'll have to wait until I recover from my heat stroke.

I couldn't escape the sun today. The drive didn't go according to plan because the vehicle situation was... um... absolutely miserable.

My truck, aka White Lightning, doesn't have air conditioning. I bought it in Wyoming, and I didn't need A/C there, but here in Oklahoma you can't survive the summer without it. Thankfully, my parents let my drive one of their extra cars in the summer, and it's A/C is fantastically frigid.

On Friday I packed up their 91 Honda, and filled her up with gas. ($60 to fill up an Accord is still unbelievable to me by the way) I hit the road, and got about 45 minutes into my trip when the car started making bad noises... very bad noises. I had to turn around and go back home.

Like hell if I was going to miss my trip though, so the only other option was to take my truck. My truck that doesn't have A/C, and needed a jump because it hadn't been started in months.

I arrived at Carie's house, five hours later, wet with sweat, sunburned on my left side, windblown, dirty, smelling like exhaust, and feeling completely gross. This was not the first impression I wanted to make. She was so sweet and understanding though, she handed me an ice cold Corona. I loved her immediately.

I knew that my drive home was going to suck, and believe me it did. It was hotter today, and there were no clouds. I got a nice sunburn yesterday on the river, and got another sunburn on top of it today, but only on my left side. I'm blistered, and feeling stupid for not thinking about sunscreen.

I felt nauseous when I got home. It's possible that I've never been that hot in my life. I soaked in a cold bath, took a pain pill, and crashed on my right side for a nap the couch.

I'm feeling better now, but don't touch me, because I might have to kill you.

Meet My Hair

2008-07-03T18:05:00.005-05:00

Today I had a hair appointment, just a little trim. Evidently, the last time I had my hair trimmed was in September, and I can't believe it. My hair girl laughed at me, and told me she was surprised that I didn't have more split ends. I'm surprised too.

When it comes to my hair, I'm just super low maintenance I guess. Most of the time it's in a ponytail. I don't spend money on it either. Suave shampoo and a big handful of conditioner works just fine. I never use hairspray, and I don't use gel or mousse. This hair of mine is complicated enough without me adding to it.

You see, my hair has dual personalities. Parts of it are straight as a board, but the majority of it is just as curly as it can be. In order to wear it curly though, I have to scrunch and diffuse and then use a curling iron on the parts that didn't curl. To wear it straight, I have to blow it out straight, and then use a flat iron to smooth it out. My hair is also thicker than you can imagine, which means that it takes about 30 minutes to blow dry. So, if I wear it straight, it takes more than an hour to fix. Flat ironing hair is time consuming. My hair doesn't really look good curly either, it's not pretty curls I have, it's more like frizzy fly away curls.

I'm not complaining, just explaining.

I had long hair my whole life, like to-my-waist long. When I was 20 I got tired of it. I chopped it off to my chin, and promptly had a heart attack. See, when curly hair is short, it gets curlier. But, I didn't know that. The stupid stylist should have told me that I would look like Carrot Top, but she didn't. It took forever to grow back long.

I don't have hours to spend on my hair, not since I became a Mom. And that's okay by me. I hated my hair my whole life because it's red, but I'm okay with it now. I've realized that trendy hairdo's are never going to work for me. Long and simple is my hair's happy place.

I took a picture of myself today, because it won't look like this tomorrow. If you ever meet me, chances are you'll meet my ponytail.

What's New

2008-07-01T12:53:00.005-05:00

This week is exciting, some new and fun stuff is happening.

First of all, I started a new blog yesterday. I'm doing a Project 365 and I think it's going to be a lot of fun!

Several of my friends are in the middle of their 365's, and I have enjoyed their journey's immensely. It's time for me to jump in the game. I bought a new camera a few months ago, and still haven't mastered all of it's trickery. So, taking a photo a day will help me with that. It will also make me a better photographer... which is something I want really bad. My new blog is called 365 of love and it's going to be a lot different than Blissy. I'm going to keep it super simple, and fill it with random goodness.

I hurt my back last week. I spent the weekend hopped up on pain pills and muscle relaxers, it was not as fun as one might think. I laid on my back on the floor most of the time, because that's the only position the didn't make me scream in agony. Needless to say, it was a little boring. I took some pictures, here's one.

My back is on the mend, and feeling lots better. That's good news, because I've got big plans this weekend. I'm going to meet another blog friend.

Carie (aka OurCrookedTree) and her husband Brad have invited me to spend 4th of July with them in Missouri. We are going to float the James River, and I'm so excited I can't see straight.

Carie is a doll! She has the cutest little boys, and her hubs is a charmer. They have wrangled some of their friends to go with us, and even a single fireman so I won't be a 5th wheel amid all the couples. Isn't that nice?

We are going to have a wonderful weekend, but what I'm looking forward to most is meeting Carie. She is a feisty redhead like me, how could we not have a blast together.

We have sworn each other to photo proofing rights, but stay tuned, I'm sure the pictures that pass our inspections will be highly entertaining.

Little Does He Know

2008-06-28T07:04:00.009-05:00

My sons spent last week with their Dad, and his girlfriend. He normally spends about four days a month with them, and a few weeks in the summer. Each of those days is jam-packed with big fun. Constant entertainment, and not much else.

For the last four years, I have raised these boys alone. All parenting, nurturing, discipline, what-have-you, has been up to me. I know my sons better than anyone else does.

I know that Noah has always made an issue out of mealtime, he won't eat unless he 'wants' to... it's an ordeal, and an issue that I have gone round and round with him about. He's a kid, and kids do frustrating things.

Jackson is a big story teller. He's got an Oscar on the way for outstanding achievement in a dramatic role. He tells tall tales, he ~~lies~~ exaggerates with a politicians ease. I deal with it, and don't condone it, but he's a kid. If you don't know this, then heads up - kids lie.

When Dad brought them home last night, I was surprised that he said he needed to talk to me. He normally doesn't even walk them to the door. He had made a list, and needed to go over it with me.

I watched him open his planner and flip to it. He was so proud of himself for having that list. He said that he wrote some things down, some behavior that needs modification, and he made a list for me so I could reinforce what he and his girlfriend had started.

He told me that Noah plays with his food too much. He told me that Jackson makes things up. He told me that he would appreciate it if I would work on this. He said that it's important for me to stay consistent with them, and make rules.

It was all I could do not to laugh.

I just listened as he continued to explain my sons behavior to me. This was all new information to him, I realized. He doesn't know his own kids.

Then he told me they were coughing a lot, he said they were miserable with the coughs all week. He wondered why I didn't get them on higher doses of allergy medicine. He said he would appreciate it if I would stay on top of things like this from now on.

After he left I asked the boys about their week. They had a great time, and they were happy. They were peaceful, and content. But, they were happy to be home too. Noah said the best thing was getting to play with the cats!

I called their Dad, I asked him if he remembered that our sons are severely allergic to cats. He didn't want to talk about it.

In The Middle of 'What If' Road

2008-06-26T21:29:00.008-05:00

Nothing is ever really as simple as I would like it to be. When it comes to making decisions about my future, sometimes the deciding factors aren't obvious at all. I don't always know what's what. I see so many different scenarios, so many possibilities, and I'm stuck on pause. I'm paused to keep from making the wrong move. I'm yeilded.

What if I do move to Colorado? Is that the right thing to do? My Mom and family are panicked at the idea of me leaving again.

What if I'm supposed to stay in Oklahoma? What if I am supposed to live here forever? And, if that's what I'm meant to do, then why? I don't like it here, and I don't want to be here.

But, what if Colorado isn't where I am meant to be either? What if I'm supposed to be in Texas, or something? What if I'm really supposed to end up back in Wyoming?

I am looking for an incredible job, but what if I should really go back to school instead?

I want to do the right thing. I want to know what that is. I would like some clear signs to start flashing at me now.

What if there is no clear signal? What if I'm stuck in the middle of 'what if' road for a long time? How am I supposed to know what to do?

I think I'm supposed to just know where to step each day, for now, and that's enough. I think I'm not supposed to see my direction yet, for some reason. I think I'm supposed to keep my peace, hold onto my faith, and keep waiting.

The waiting plays games with my mind.

Sk8, Sweat, and Sweets

2008-06-22T11:36:00.008-05:00

Jackson's friend Brady had his 12th birthday party at the skatepark, which was convenient because we are always there anyway. Brady is my best friend Kerali's son. Kerali was at my 12th birthday party! Now I know why old people talk about how fast time flies. It's kinda freaky.

Brady on the left, Jackson, and some other kids.

Sweat mixes nicely with cupcakes and pizza. Wash it down with Monster, and you're all set.

I took a bunch of pictures. But, I'm still getting used to my new camera, and all it's trickery. My shots will be much better someday. Maybe the day after I dig out the users manual, and actually read it.

(and I can blame the lighting, or lack there of, right?)

Just Don't Know What To Do With My Time

2008-06-20T23:39:00.005-05:00

Ho hum.

Yawn.

*twirls hair around finger*

Suddenly, I have an entire week to myself. It seems the break I begged for has come.

My boys are gone, I don't have to go to work. All this free time on my hands, what's a girl to do?

Wisdom says that I will look for a new job, what with being downsized out of my old one and all.

Foolery says that I should go somewhere. Foolery says that I should hit the road, and have some fun.

Foolery is much more enticing than wisdom for some reason.

Look Who's Quirkee Now

2008-06-19T08:37:00.010-05:00

Yours truly is now a columnist at Quirkee.com. You should go read my first article, they said it's a home run.

What? You aren't already reading Quirkee.com, and don't know what I'm talking about?

"Quirkee.com is dedicated to bringing you the best in humor and entertainment. We are a collective of writers, artists, photographers, and all-around quirky personalities. If nothing else, we hope Quirkee.com brings a little light into your otherwise hopeless and repetitive existence. Quirkee.com is best when read at your place of employment. Please do not serve Quirkee.com while hot. Quirkee.com may stain clothing or your skin. If swallowed, please do not induce vomiting because vomiting is utterly disgusting. Quirkee.com may cause uncontrollable chuckling. And most of all, please share with others.

Quirkee.com is an award-winning humor and entertainment online publication featuring humor columns, commentary about news, sports, and politics, interviews, music recommendations, movie recommendations, comics, and much more. New editions are published every Thursday."

James told me he needed a photo for my bio. I decided to wear green, because green is Quirkee's signature color too. (Also, I have new glasses)

Before I go thanking the academy, I need to thank James and Scott for inviting me to play along. This is a huge honor for me, home run or not, I'm playing outside of my league. These guys are the best! Actually, every contributor on Quirkee.com is so talented it could blow your mind.

I never thought I would become a chosen one, but hot-diggity-dog this has made my life complete.

Quirkee is published every Thursday. This means that my Wednesday nights are going to be running into the wee hours from now on, and I'm totally okay with that. I'll be in good company.

Backing Up, A Precious Moment

2008-06-17T10:11:00.005-05:00

(now, with sound)

My Grandmother told me to write things down. She said I would forget things that I thought I would never forget. She was right.

This precious moment was lost in a random file in my computer since I made it last summer, and I found it recently. I treasure it!

What happens to everything in your computer if your computer dies? Hmmmm. Perhaps I should back up, or burn a CD, or something. Can you burn a YouTube onto a CD, I wonder?

On a side note: It just occurred to me that I have no current photos (as in the last two years) of my kids, except on my computer. I need to do something about that too.

I need to start a list.

How darling are these boys? I'm the luckiest Mom in the world.

Warning: Selfish Meltdown

2008-06-16T21:12:00.004-05:00

(you probably shouldn't read this, I sound pathetic)

I need a break.

A break from everything being so HARD all the time.

My life has been nothing but hard for so many, many years!! Why does it have to keep being hard?

I need help!

I'm so weary. I don't want to have to make every decision all alone anymore. I don't want everything to be on my shoulders all the time. I can't carry it.

My life is hard. It never stops being hard. I need a break from hard.

I need a chance to be Piper.

I can't maintain optimism all the time, but I have to. I can't stop. I can't rest. I can't get help. No one is going to make my life any easier, and all I want is to enjoy my sons before they are too big and don't want to be around me at all anymore.

What if they resent me when they grow up?

I can't handle my ex husband making me feel like I am incapable of being a Mother to them. I can't be told that I shouldn't have custody of my boys because I 'can't keep a job'! That's not fair!!

I am living the life that bastard handed me, and I have struggled CONSTANTLY to do it. I have never been selfish. I have always tried so hard to do the right thing, for them. I have done a great job raising these precious babies all alone. He has never said anything nice to me. Never.

These boys are the amazing kids they are because of ME!! And it's hard to do it well. I'm tired, and I'm not doing it well.

I'm tired from being tired.

I can't imagine continuing at this pace for another four years.

I need to have some fun, and enjoy life, and not have everything constantly on the brink of falling apart. It's impossible to have fun when you are barely keeping at all together. I'm so used to barely keeping it all together, I don't know what a lighter load would be like. What would it be like to not have to struggle so much?

I'm too young to be so exhausted.

The weight of all this responsibility is too much for me.

I need less stress. I need less to have to worry about. I need a change.

I'm scared. I'm afraid of making anymore wrong moves. How many more learning experiences do I need? Why do I have to be so strong?

God make something happen, please.

I can't keep struggling like this the rest of my life!! When is it going to break??

Piecing Together a Game Plan

2008-06-15T19:28:00.006-05:00

How can I possibly thank all of you enough for your encouragement and votes of confidence? The word 'thanks' will never be big enough. But, thank you! You've helped me more than you know.

After much deliberation... well, as much as is possible just two days in... I have devised a plan. This plan will likely be modified, but for now, it's good just to have one. The sense of panic is gone.

I know I made it seem like the only thing holding me in Oklahoma is a lease, but there is a lot more than that. My family, and my friends; the people who love me more than anyone else. These are the people who have always been there for me, no matter what. They do not want me to move away, but I think that they all know I'm not happy living in Oklahoma. I need to spend as much time with my grandpa as I can too. So, it's wisdom for me to not rush out of here out of here in the next month.

I'm going to go to a temp agency this week, and see about doing long-term temp jobs. That way, I can leave whenever. I'm going to send my resume out in Colorado. I'm lucky enough to have friends who have offered to help me with connections there, and I am going to take them up on those generous offers. This way, I will have an income, and still have a chance to find something great in Colorado. I can take my time making it happen, rather than jumping into a rushed move. I'm going to do this right.

Honestly, I had been thinking recently that it would be irresponsible of me to leave such a great job, but now, it's not an issue, and that is a big relief. So, this is just a sign that it's time to start planning my move, and that it's meant to be. When my boys Dad moves, I will probably already be there.

I'm going to find an amazing job in Colorado, and I'm going to make a great life for me and my sons there. I've been wanting this, and praying for this, ever since I had to move back to Oklahoma almost two years ago. It's just an answer to prayer that I lost my job. I've been given permission, and wings. This bird is going to fly west, with no regrets.

Very Unexpected Turn of Events

2008-06-14T20:35:00.008-05:00

Several days ago, at our monthly staff meeting, the company I worked for announced that they had sold a large portion of their business, and that there were going to be changes.

On Thursday, at 5pm, I was called into the Presidents office, and told that I was being let go. I was told that the ONLY reason I was being let go was because I was the newest employee, thus, the easiest to let go. There would be others who would lose their jobs as well. They loved having me there, and thought I was doing a great job, they had no complaints about me or my work whatsoever, and they were very sorry to have to do this. I was handed a check, and a box to pack my things.

I was in shock. Complete shock. I didn't see it coming at all.

If you remember, last December, I was let go from my job as an advertising executive for the same reason. Newspapers are a flailing industry, and the papers I worked for had been struggling for a long time. Since I was the newest employee there, I was the easiest to let go.

When I moved to Oklahoma from Wyoming, I knew that it was just a layover. I didn't want to be here, but needed to be for various reasons. I always knew that I would move back to the mountains at some point.

That some point is coming quickly now. My ex husband is going to be moving back to Colorado, and I will need to move there or face the six-month split custody thing. I have no problem with moving to Colorado though, so that works out.

The problem is that I still have six months on my lease, and I'm not sure what to do. Everything inside of me is ready to pack up and hit the road, but that might not be the most responsible thing to do. Plus, I'm not really prepared financially to move to another state right now.

I have to get a job, as soon as possible. What I want to do instead is travel. I want to take my kayaking trip to Alaska now that I don't have to worry about getting time off work. I want to go see my friends, and watch bike races, and float rivers. Unfortunately, I kinda need some income to do that. Also, it's not at all practical. I do feel like escaping though.

I'm vigorously working at staving off self pity, and depression, and trying hard to not feel like a loser. These work issues have not been my fault, but they still don't look good on my resume.

I'm going to have to figure it out, and soon. Should I work at getting a job here in Oklahoma, knowing full well that I will have to leave it soon?

What I know for sure is that God already knows. He has always provided for me, and I know He will again. I need direction. I need to clearly see my path ahead of me right now, I need to know what to do.

I haven't told my family yet, because they worry, and think the same things that the rest of the world would, 'Piper has a hard time keeping a job.' I'm embarrassed, and ashamed.

I don't know what to do right now. I'm going to keep smiling though, because anything else would just make me grumpy. Grumpy is not cute, and doesn't make a happy life.

I'm holding fast to my faith that God still has a great plan for my life, and this event just means that I'm supposed to do something else. What is it though? The not knowing is the hardest thing for me. What I need most is peace.

Kitchen - Uncut, Uncensored, and Cluttered

2008-06-12T21:14:00.009-05:00

We do make a mean Mac & Cheese though.

Tuesday Morning

2008-06-10T07:38:00.006-05:00

I don't want to be awake.

I don't want to go to work.

My sons just told me they think they should have more fun. I could smack them. If anyone in this house deserves more fun, it's me. They will be at the pool today. I will be sitting on my butt in a cube.

I am running late, and don't really care. I'm blogging. I'm blaring Bob Marley. I'm drinking my hazelnut Coffeemate with a little coffee. I have curlers in my hair. I have to iron my blouse.

I want to write. That's what I want. I want to make sense. Scratch that. I don't want to write.

I want to get on an airplane headed for the mountains. I want fresh air, and my friends. I want to park myself in a tube and float down an endless river.

I would settle for crawling back in bed.

Stuff and Things

2008-06-08T18:59:00.006-05:00

I hold on to stuff forever, apparently. I'm moving in six months, and still need to go through boxes of stuff that I haven't unpacked from my last three moves. I need to get rid of stuff I don't need. I have too much stuff.

I'm running into memories right and left though. It's hard for me to not keep memories. The problem is that I am so sentimental, I can attach a feeling or memory to anything. Does anyone else know what it's like to 'feel' about 'things'?

This photo strip was taken when I was 15. I was in a community theater production, cast as a cheerleader (of all things), and this was the photo shoot for the playbill. I kept talking, and couldn't stop giggling though. I wanted to look serious, and at least 18.

Jackson traced this cartoon out of a newspaper, when we lived in Jackson Wyoming. Lift Bot. I still think this is hilarious. I love that he wanted to trace it, because he thought it was funny too.

Memories are attached to every stuff and thing in my possession. Thinning it out is hard.

Jenna of Love

2008-06-07T12:21:00.007-05:00

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 'Many women do noble things,but you surpass them all.'
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Proverbs 31: 25-31

Have you ever met someone and known, without question, that this person understands you better than you understand yourself? Have you ever just met someone and suddenly felt completely at home? If I live a thousand lifetimes, I will never be able to thank God enough for sending Jenna into my life.

We met on the Buzz. She chased me down, and befriended my soul. She loved me and embraced every ounce of who I am. I'm certain that she already knows all my secrets, even the ones I would never tell anyone. We are kindred spirits, and the warmth of that feels like home.

I got to meet her over Memorial Day weekend. She invited me to stay with her family while they were vacationing in Phoenix for a family reunion. Jenna is the oldest of nine children. She has four kids of her own, and two step kids with her adorable husband Adam. They welcomed me as if I had been one of them my whole life.

She would probably not like me to be stuffy and refer to her virtues more than the fun we had. But, I can't help it. It is Jenna's virtues that make her exemplary. She is the woman I was raised to be (but have fallen short of). She is the kind of Mother that I want to be. She is gracious and wise, she is kind beyond measure, and she works so hard to do the right thing. She inspires me with nothing more than her example. I'm certain the Lord brought her into my life for this reason, and I'm so grateful.

The thing is, she doesn't see anything in me but beauty. She is such a better person than I am, but she would disagree. She doesn't know that she is wonderful. She doesn't know that her heart is made of pure gold. She doesn't know that she is amazing. But, she is, and anyone who knows her knows that.

She would come to my house and clean it if I asked her to. She would cook for my kids, and even do laundry. She would brush my hair, and sing songs to me if I was feeling unlovely. She would do anything for me, and never think twice about it. She listens to me ramble on an on about nonsense, and validates every word. She enjoys me, and she thinks I am wonderful.

Jenna is the big sister that I never had. I can't even tell you how much that means to me, but it is one of the best gifts I have ever been given. I will love her forever and always.

Her blog is Cranberry Corner, if you haven't met her, you should.

Wasting $29.95 Was Worth It

2008-06-05T15:55:00.006-05:00

I'm writing this as a follow up to my last post, ready?

If it weren't for my unflappably buoyant optimism, then I might be really irritated that this eHarmony adventure cost me almost thirty bucks.

The guy, and my brief conversations with him, have confirmed to me why advertising for dates is not my bag. eHarmony, and it's 29 dimensions of compatibility, is just not for me. I'm confident in that now, and I'm happy that this experience confirmed my gut instincts. I'm not ever going to feel compelled to dip in the online dating pool again.

Believe it or not, I'm really a good girl. I'm not interested in playing the field, no matter how long I've been single, or how far away Mr. Right may seem. I would rather remain happy with myself than compromise my dignity for the sake of a date. I would rather wait for what I want most, than settle for what I want now.

The guy called me last night. He said that he wanted to come over to my house after my kids went to bed, so he could see me before he decided about a date on Saturday night. He kept asking me what I do for fun on weeknights. He said he couldn't understand why I don't do anything besides take care of my boys, my home, and sleep. He told me I probably needed to get more of a life. He told me that normally he would go to the bar, but he can't go back because he got kicked out, so he thought he'd come to my house with a six pack.

He told me that he isn't interested in being in a relationship, and said that if we went out then it would be cool because he might like one of my friends, or I might like one of his friends, and that would be an awesome way for both of us to meet new people.

He asked me what I did for work, I told him, and he said 'Wow, you must make a lot more money than me! You should take me out!'

He told me that he's a really honest guy, and that if he showed up at my house and my makeup was screwed up, then he would tell me to fix it, for sure.

Seriously.

Impulsive spending has always been a weakness for me. When I got that three month special email from eHarmony, I bit. I'm chalking this up to another learning experience.

My worth is way more than the cost of eHarmony, even at full price.

I'm actually really happy in my 'boring' life. I think I'll stick with it.