The IgNoble Experiment, a.k.a. Live Dangerously!

Time to Give Thanks

2009-11-26T20:10:00.003-05:00

While things are not always going as I would like them to (see: job search; annoying NY Bar application, various paper-related procedures; job search once again), there is no question that there is A LOT more that I have to be thankful for, and taking a day out of a year to remember some of it is really not all that hard.

First and foremost, I am thankfully alive and in good health, which is clearly the most important thing, much more important than any temporary setbacks that I may have. (Bad economy won't stop me, but being dead... probably would.)

Of course, where would I be, without my family's unending support? And without some REALLY good friends who accept me for who I am, and who are there in me both in good times and when things get difficult? I'd probably be *somewhere*, but that "somewhere" would probably not be a good place.

I am SO thankful that I passed BOTH NY and NJ Bar exams (and already admitted to NJ!!!) I may kvetch about my current underemployed status, but I am really so happy that I'm doing what I love (albeit for free for now), and living my life's dream every moment. I know I will have to go through a lot more to show that I deserve this, but so be it. I am very happy with having this crucial part behind me successfully.

I am incredibly grateful for the wonderful opportunity to learn more about Judaism that I got by being accepted to MJE Fellowship. I am trying very hard to make the most of it, and so far it has more than lived up to my hopes and expectations. I enjoy every moment, and am completely drawn in into the process of studying. I feel that it really does add meaning to my life and provide a good guidance for resolving difficult and everyday situations. Not to mention all the wonderful people that I have met, and the feeling of camarederie and companionship that is emerging from learning together as a group!!!

I am so, so happy about being accepted on Birthright. I'm going in January, and I couldn't possibly be more excited than I currently am!!! There is still a lot left to do in terms of various procedures and preparations, but I am sure all of that will take care of itself in due time.

I am also grateful for all the numerous incredible opportunities and experience I had a chance to participate in this year, from my exciting Bar trip to Eastern and Central Europe to all the various outings, ranging from Shabbat dinners and services to various cultural activities and hang-outs to joyous celebrations with my friends. May there many, many more to come in the years ahead!

Most importantly, I am ever-thankful for being raised with the right values, strong will, and unyielding principles that allow me to withstand the various external and internal pressures that test me time after time, and remain on the path that I have chosen for myself and that feels right for me. The longer I live, the more I see how important it is to have that inner confidence and determination to overcome the obstacles life places ahead of me and to by-pass the various distractions that threaten to block or deter my way to achieving my purpose in life.

Everything will work out for the best in the end, I am sure. Here is to patience to see it all through!!!

Incredibly grateful,
Irina/Nissan

The Happiest Day of My Life

2009-11-08T14:37:00.002-05:00

This Thursday, I found out that I passed the NY Bar. I found that out at work and was so shaken that I could barely move for a few minutes. I had managed to convince myself completely that I failed and would have to take it over... and so when I opened the website and so the congratulatory note, I couldn't believe my own eyes. I was sure it was some kind of mistake. I'm still getting used to the idea that I'm done, that there's no prep work, no need to worry about exams, that I will not be living a nightmare for the next few months, that there IS no do over. I am done.

In many other ways, however, that is just the beginning. Now I am taking on a new role of a professional and becoming what I've always wanted to be. I have such a long road ahead... But it's well worth all the effort. I am a bit overwhelmed right now, but will be celebrating very soon, and hopefully this union will be a good fit and I will serve as a lawyer... as an attorney, for the good.

Oh, and I would not have been where I am were it not for the endless (and not always deserved!) support of my family and friends. Knowing that people believe in you no matter what you think about yourself and are ready to be there for you even if things do not go the way you want them to is like having an extra energy source to draw from. I'm incredibly grateful and blessed.

But oh my goodness, I can't believe this is finally over!!!!!!

Pleasantly astounded,
Irina/Nissan

Patience

2009-11-02T21:49:00.003-05:00

I've never been a patient person. Whereas my mind easily understands tired old adages such as "Patience is a virtue", "Good things come to those who wait", etc., I've found myself lacking in translating the understanding into action. It's just so... hard. Finding patience is a lifelong daily battle that seeps through every aspect of my existence. Lately, having to find patience to deal with the realities I am facing has been especially challenging and stressful. Whether it means adjusting to the political and economic issues of the day, waiting for the Bar results, job search and inevitable financial dependence on my parents, problems with my computer, or just about anything else you can imagine, my ability to wait patiently has been in question.

The attitude "It's not like I have a choice; I can as well not stress out about it" would have come in handy, but it's incredibly difficult to cultivate. No matter how many times I tell myself to wait and not psych out, no matter how I rationalize being patient and not distress, in the long run it doesn't really help, doesn't work all that well at all. I think impatience is part of my inclination and temperament, not just a bad habit, though bad habit has certainly aggravated it. Unfortunately this impatience is badly affecting my Rosh Hashanah resolution to be become a more positive person, to have a better attitude towards life, being grateful for what I have, etc. It's difficult being appreciative and calm and peaceful and in control when inside you feel anything BUT, and when all you want to do is have the things you want HAPPEN ALREADY, gawd.

It's especially difficult for me right now, because I feel torn, unsure of what it is that I actually should or should not be doing. I have delved into studies of Judaism in the hopes that I will learn something from this experience. I don't expect my studies to necessarily fill the gaps in my personal belief system, but I am hoping that I can learn from all the wisdom that has accumulated in Judaism over the ages, and that in applying that to the way I view my life, I will benefit practically, I will become a better, more aware person with more self-control and more ways to contribute. And while I've been able to apply certain things that we have discussed in certain specific instances, which is encouraging... in other ways, I fall far short. I mean, as hard as I try to emulate the Patriarchs and the Matriarchs, and to avoid various mistakes made even by the greatest of Biblical characters... I fall far short, to put it mildly. What made some of the greatest people in the Torah so great was their incredible patience and their faith in God. It's easier to be patient when you have such absolute faith. My faith is... far from perfect. It's not that I *deny* that there is a God, but a lot of the time, no matter what it is that I actually believe, I *still* feel as confused and scared about the future as if I didn't believe in anything at all. I am not sure why that is; perhaps because it is a normal thing to everyone NOT endowed with the gift of prophecy. I mean, not knowing the final outcome makes things pretty uncertain, doesn't it?

On the other hand, I may be getting it all wrong, and the Patriarchs had the gift of prophecy BECAUSE their belief and trust in God was so strong. Whatever the case may be, staying optimistic and hopeful in the face of challenges and uncertainty is a separate challenge all in itself, and having faith in overcoming all the obstacles is not an easy sill to learn and apply, at least not for me. This confrontation with my "character flaw" is coming at a time when I'm facing a personal crisis in the form of a paradigm shift. Imagine living all your life believing in one thing, and having no problem applying that belief of yours to everyone you meet, and then one day, realizing that the way you view things is becoming a contradiction, that you have to resort to SCOTUS-like sophistry in order to explain the duality of condemning certain actions in certain people, while somehow justifying the same things in others. If you are skilled in life in finding exceptions to various rules and rules to the exceptions you can explain away just about anything, find whatever excuse you want, and resolve and placate any doubt or contradiction in your mind. And if you want to law school, that's basically all you learn how to do, so if you don't find yourself doing just that in your daily life in order to make the world around you make a better fit for yourself, consider that you've wasted three years of legal education.

Nevertheless, if I were to be *really* honest with myself... it's sometimes very *difficult* to be truly honest with myself when I'm conducting such manipulations with respect to people I actually know. If I have any personal biases towards individuals and their actions, in questions, be these biases favorable or the opposite, that already creates a problem with applying the ethical rules I try to apply to life consistently, which can only mean one thing... I wind up evaluating *someone* unfairly. How does that tie in into my diatribe about my battle with impatience? Clearly, favorable evaluation of by definition imperfect human beings requires a certain level of patience towards their imperfections. Obviously no one can accept everything. We all draw our own ethical lines, but for some people some things are more important than others, and what one person can tolerate or not even take issue with, someone else cannot.

Essentially, I have the dilemma of seeing people that matter to me in some way act in a way that would ordinarily repulse me or at least condemn those specific actions. But the problem here is, when I see similar behavior in other people, I see those acts in isolation, as well as their actual or potential effects on others, and so I can dispassionately evaluate those specific acts, line them up against what I think is right, and make a relatively coherent assessment. However, with people you know, that is much more difficult, because although you may distance yourself and reluctantly agree that in isolation those acts are not very much different from the way others have done in similar circumstances and for which you've judged them disfavorably for a certain extent, with people you know better you either tend to find excuses and justifications and explanations for why they have acted that way or find nuances that would make what they do somehow better or different, or you cannot ignore the big picture. You know these people as a whole, and that whole colors their individual acts, and their positives outweigh their negatives, or you find some other aspect of their lives as an explanation for that specific instance, and in general, you find yourself tempering your judgment with mercy.

Nothing wrong with that except... except here I stumble into a cognitive dissonance of sort. I try not to look down on others. If I don't like someone's conduct, I either stay away, or try to look at only the positive and not let the negative affect my life. Nevertheless, that doesn't mean that I don't make observations about life in general and social trends and individual actions. And let's be honest, there are certain trends that simply peeve me, and I just don't like them, and while I don't *really* pay much attention to them, they are not something I want to emulate, and when I'm surrounded by such tendencies, I do find them somehow inferior to whatever it is I prefer. That's ok, because not everyone can like everything, but to the extent that I stand apart from those who follow those tendencies, that kind of makes it a hypocrite when I embrace people who, objectively speaking, do substantially similar things and follow substantially similar trends for substantially similar reasons in substantially similar circumstances, and I find myself having to bend over backwards sometimes to explain to myself how it is possibly for me to both condemn and excuse substantially similar acts or tendencies at the same time.

I find myself struggling when I know have to be patient with people who matter to me for particular reasons, and sometimes that patience comes in disturbingly easily, and others it comes in very, very hard. I have to admit, I'm... confused. I still do what *I* think is right, and in that I'm completely unbending. If there is something that has not really affected my actions much it's social pressure. Social pressure of all the outside influences in my life is something I do withstand with no problem at all; it is not really a temptation for me, it is not an issue in my life because I am strong-willed enough to pay no heed. I care about my own principles and what works for me and seems right much more so than whatever others think I should be doing in those circumstances. And to the extent that I am free to do what I wish, what *others* are doing is their own personal business and doesn't really matter, I guess. But there comes a point when I get to be sufficiently familiar with certain people that what they do does come to affect my life in OTHER ways. In other words, eventually I am directly confronted with those seemingly unresolveable contradictions in my own standards and how I apply them to people, and I have to think about what really matters and what doesn't.

This is where patience comes in. Because this whole spiel comes down to one and only one underlying factor - my ability to accept others as they are, without wanting to change them or wishing they were somehow different. This is a very painful subject for me to think about because up to recent times I have either been able to brush that aside, or didn't really have to deal with that necessity, or, in fact have been UNABLE to find such acceptance and drifted away from people. And I have to say, I have made a lot of mistakes in the past, and right now I'm all mixed up in my head and not sure how much I can or SHOULD be accepting, whether I should be trying to persuade them of my own beliefs, and if so, what arguments should I use to make it work for them without feeling like I'm merely imposing my own likes or dislikes rather than providing a valuable perspective from which others can genuinely learn something helpful.

I know that sometimes I just need to be more patient with people and give them a chance to resolve things their own way and learn their own mistakes. Everyone has his own path, and who am I to say what's really better having never been anyone other than me with my own particular issues. But it's not so easy. Sometimes others are equally mixed in; sometimes they act in contradictory ways and are struggling with issues, and since I can try to encourage certain things over others, it's a choice of what it is that I should accepting as the "more important" part of their personality and ways of lives. I am scared, because while I cannot control others, I can control myself and should be trying to control the way I react to things, and sometimes I just don't know what's going on and what it is I should actually be reacting to...

I guess the only answer that I have to all these questions is... to wait and see.

But waiting is sometimes the hardest thing to do.

Because, let's face it, impatience is all about wanting to be in control.

And letting go of this micromanagement of your own life, and everything and everyone around you, knowing that you're NOT in control and sometimes SHOULDN'T be takes extreme humbleness. Faith balances that out, because faith gives you the comfort of knowing that everyone is in the same position, NO ONE is ultimately in control, only God is. But as I said before, that knowledge, in my head doesn't always translate into True Knowledge, and therefore I feel shaky and uncertain, and my desire to know the future and get a certain outcome (with the best possible intentions, of course) is... basically killing me. :) Fortunately, I have finally gained enough self-awareness to make note of this issues, and finally write it all out here... hopefully, I'll gain the answers with more studying, life experience, and time. But this is one of the biggest issues I have to deal with, and right now my world is filled with confusion.

Waiting,
Irina/Nissan

Never Say Never All Over Again

2009-10-08T21:22:00.004-04:00

I AM BACK!

It's been a while... And I really have no good excuse for not posting. I had a very exciting trip to Eastern Europe (will get to that eventually), I have been involved in a number of activities, working pro bono in KCDA, and in general living life to the fullest.

The holiday season being almost ever, it's as good a time as any to give in writing a quick reassessment of where I stand as I face the next Jewish year.

If there's one lesson I've learned, or at least SHOULD HAVE learned, by now is never to say never. Every time I vow that I'll never do this or that life puts me in the very situation where I wind up doing precisely that. Five years ago, I wrote the following post:

The World's Oldest Question

Take a quick look, and then come back. Because after five years.... I wound up taking an almost-complete turn around as a Jew, and I'm sure I've changed a great deal in other respects as well.

* I am now quite familiar with the workings of Orthodox services, and am a regular at Shabbat services at MJE.

* After taking a series of classes on Basic Judaism, I've familiarized myself with most Jewish holidays, and have participated at least to some extent in many of them in the past couple of years.

* I've adopted a Hebrew name when I felt the timing was right.

* While I still am conflicted about the balance of Jewish vs. secular education in my unborn children's lives, I've been embracing it myself with much fervor. In fact, I've decided to commit myself to the year-long MJE Fellowship, which requires of us to go to Judaism and Jewish philosophy classes twice a week for two hours each night. We will have about four hours of reading each week, quizzes, homework, etc. We will be going to luncheon programs, shabbatons, meetings with other rabbis and philanthropists, and mentoring other members of the congregation. I am very excited, but this is also a huge commitment, because to complete a program we cannot miss more than 10 classes. Any serious commitment is to some extent a sacrifice of free time and other opportunities, but at the same time taking on such a responsibility and such an enriching learning experience is a very exciting challenge, and for someone like me, who has a passion for learning, this will be a very meaningful and fulfilling experience as well. I feel so fortunate to be presented with such an opportunity, the kind of opportunity my family has not had in generations. The fellowship comes at a point in my life when everything seems to be hanging on a thin thread. I will be finding out my Bar results in about a month, and I try not to imagine the worst, just take things as they come. My pro bono work allows me some flexibility in schedule, but if and when I get a full time job, balancing day work and the fellowship will become much more difficult, without a doubt. Nevertheless, now is probably the best time for me to take it on. I am no longer tied up in school, and later on, when I'm deeper involved in my professional activities, I will have significantly less time even then now, so I'll have to make the best of what I have.

* Which brings me to another matter - pro bono work. Five years ago I was still bitter from my questionable high school experiences and would not even hear of helping "the community" for free. And now that's exactly what I am doing, in my own way. Granted, my motivations aren't necessarily completely altruistic, but the result is still the same, and the fact that I no longer feel offended at the concept signifies a great paradigmatic shift in my mind. I've done a lot of pro bono work in law school as well, and I have a feeling that even when I'm working full-time and actually PAID for what I'm doing, I'll still be finding ways to help people money without monetary compensation.

* Most importantly, however, I am no longer an agnostic. I identify quite certainly as a Jew, albeit not an "Orthodox" one, whatever that means. I practice to the extent that I feel comfortable with, but what I do, I do voluntarily and sincerely, not for the sake of some dubious relationship or because of communal peer pressure but because I feel it's the right thing to do. I am still a skeptic; I still question everything; I still take an intellectual approach to everything around me, and exploring Judaism for me means acquainting myself with the depths of it, with various interpretations and commentaries, and philosophies. I am not someone who can be satisfied with the literal surface level. I recognize and embrace the rich tradition that has brought us where we are today, and find that although I'm sure there will be times when I vehemently disagree with what I read, I have much to gain from the process of learning, as well as from the wisdom of great thinker who contributed to this tradition.

* Contrary to my earlier fears, I remain very far from passionless and dried out. And that is because I do what I do of my own volition, freely, with interest and love. No one is forcing me to do anything, quite the contrary. I am drawn deeper and deeper to discover and understand and explore as much a I can. Law school taught me a better control of both my emotions and my faculties, though many of my flaws will remain a life-long struggle. However, that does not mean that I turned into an emotionless mummy. In addition to my theological expeditions, I continue to participate in political/diplomatic/Zionist/secular Jewish events and activities, and of course, delve into as many of my other numerous interests as is humanly possible. And the more I explore, the more I find remaining to be yet untouched by my presence, and for that reason, tantalizing. There are not enough hours in the day, and life is indeed too short, but I try to stay positive and embrace the opportunities I see to the greatest extent possible. Some may even call me hyperactive, but I call that living an interesting, meaningful, and sentient life! Thus my worst fears did not materialize, and my earlier angst has given way to a dogged intent to dig deeper, learn more, embrace as much of life as I can, and rise above... well, above whatever I can. I challenge myself every day, and I allow others to challenge me, and to show me new paths and new opportunities to learn and be creative. For all its blows and unexpected turns, life is a beautiful thing, and gaining a certain perspective only makes me appreciate it more. I believe in G-d. I cannot rationally explain every step of me coming to believe, nor do I blame people who claim to be atheists. But I can say as much - my views stem from my awe and admiration of the world around me, and whether you use scientific terminology, or religious, or philosophical/humanistic lexicon, in the end, it's all the same thing.

* I have my struggles, many of them, both internal and external, but there are many days where I can see that I've come a long way, and that as of now, I'm well on the path to becoming the person I want to be. It's not an easy process; no one's every promised me that it will be. But it's ok. Deep in my heart, I like it that way. I need to be challenged constantly, or I get restless. I need to feel like I'm juggling too many balls at once, and am on the verge of dropping a few!

So this is where I stand... there is much work to be done, and I'll be writing about all those things soon enough. It's good to be back.

Excited,
Irina/Nissan

Valium Is My Color of Choice

2009-08-06T22:16:00.003-04:00

The exams are finally behind me and I'm trying to make as much use of this very needed break as possible.

Last weekend I sneaked off with my mom to see "Next to Normal", a hilarious yet thought-provoking musical Broadway show about one family's attempts to deal with mental illness. I really enjoyed the memorable rock music, the funny lyrics, the excellent acting and singing, although as with most musicals, the story line was a little trite. However, the way it explored dealing with bipolar disorder and the trauma that triggered it (which I will try not to uncover for you), was nuanced and sophisticated, I thought. The reality is, there are no simple answers in life and not everything can be labeled and put on neat little shelves. I mean, we can come up with all sorts of definitions for various extremes - psychosis, "clinical" depression, legal insanity - but it won't really change the reality - that we don't really know what the ideal "normal" person is, and what's to be considered a quirk, an amusing eccentricity, or what's to be treated. Not everything that is considered harmful or excessive or insufficient or vastly off the bell-curve is or should necessarily be treated.

And at what point can we really say that something is a "quirk" as opposed to a "normal" part of personality? Based on statistics?

Some quirks, I'd say are less harmful, than some "normal" character traits. So what's considered "acceptable" or "normal" is often very debatable, that's clear.

But this is just scratching the surface. Let's say you really do have a serious problem and want to get treated. Sometimes the treatment is as bad or worse as the symptoms. And sometimes, nothing seems to works, as in the show, and no matter how hard you try, the issue is not being resolved in any satisfying way, and all you can do is try to cope. Sometimes, there are no answers. While it's clear that self-harm and harm to others are BAD and signs of illness, etc, SHORT of that, it's kind of hard to control behavior in such a way as to create an "ideal" person with no ill effects in some other aspect of his or her psyche/behavior. And then you have the chronic cases, the people who try all sorts of treatment for decades on end, and still come up short of perfect answers, and are still grieving, despite all the time in the end, or still insecure about SOMETHING, or still obsess with certain things, or keep on reacting in the same unproductive ways to the same stimuli, no matter what treatment they get.

Most interestingly, however, is the attempt to apply medical "treatment" to the core aspects of one's personality, or treat as illness issues that are essentially moral or issues of choice or aren't really meant to be treated because, they are just part of life and there's really nothing "wrong", they are not a disease. Some things that are really meant to be resolved on one's own after a certain point become part of an endless cycle of therapy, and people as a society come to view therapy as something necessary to deal with shocks, traumas, and "issues", and consequently, become to some extent *dependent* on other people sitting there and being paid to listen and nod along and form a function that their friends would otherwise provide or which people would contemplate on their own. It's considered unhealthy "not to seek treatment" the minute something bothers you... but I'm not sure it wouldn't be so unhealthy to encourage people to seek their own more individual approach to deal with stressful or traumatic issue. I'm not entirely convinced the outcome wouldn't be the same or better than with the current rate of medical and therapeutic treatment here.

In the end, there is no cure for life. In the end, I think the problem IS in that people are excessively controlling towards each other and exercise too much peer pressure over what is to be the paragon of mental health, instead of showing support and consideration when the need arises. We are expected to grieve appropriately, for an appropriate period of time, or else if we don't show ENOUGH emotion, we are berated for that, depending on the social trends. Whatever the case may be, individuals deep inside may know best what their need requires at that time, and excessive intervention does often prevent us from getting to the bottom of whatever it is that is bothering us.

How many times have I heard from people who claimed to know what's best for me telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing? Just because most people are doing something and it's normal statistically doesn't mean it's in any way beneficial for the particular individual or society! Same goes with medical treatment. Something that has been "approved" and is considered normal and used in conformity with the standards of the medical community may not necessarily be the BEST treatment, and may not be right for a particular person. But to do with those outlying cases that just don't fit? What about those people, who somehow manage to function, despite doing every wrong and unhealthy thing that society discourages?

I mean, obviously, if you leave ENTIRELY in your own world, and completely disregard all social norms either purposely or because you simply can't understand and appreciate what those social norms are... you will most likely have a problem functioning. But as long as that's not really the case, I think people will most likely be ok somehow in the end, if they are encouraged to be ok. I know this sounds very "hard" on people, but what I'm trying to say is that there is more to dealing with problems and mental health than just the medical or psychological aspect of it. There's more to it than just understanding the trauma, and sympathy, empathy, analysis of the underlying health issues, or even drugs. I think there's also the problem of not thinking ENOUGH of how one's potentially harmful behavior affects the person's family and friends in real life. There has to be a balance between security and independence and care for other human beings... because, really, an excess of both creates a very unhealthy cycle, and for some reason, people who are undergoing "traditional treatment" somehow manage to err on one side or the other.

I mean, I think what my gripe is that some people really DO have very clear medical issues and need help of PROFESSIONALS, because of chemical imbalances, or VERY SERIOUS traumas (sex abuse, accidents leading to amnesia, witnessing or being part of terrorist attacks or very violent crime, losing children, etc.)... but short of those extreme symptoms, life is... life, and it's occasionally harsh and painful, and yet I see that a lot of relatively minor ISSUES and SYMPTOMS are being treated as if they were as major as the above-mentioned situations, which kind of delegitimizes those extreme traumas and makes everything into this whole big trauma, and creates a cycle of self-fulfilling prophecy, where people are expect to react to minor issues or even serious but not SUPER-serious issues as if they were something EXTREME.

I think, in the end, though, no professional can actually get into an individual's head. And no drug can resolve EVERYTHING that goes on in a given person's life. I've read some heartwrenching PostSecret cards where people felt abandoned, broken, dehumanized, or absolutely worthless; some people who were suicidal or were suicide survivors. And, sometimes, I just can't understand what could POSSIBLY be so bad that the person would think of ending it all? In the end, no matter how bad it gets, we have a choice to create some good in the world, and that alone, doing good for the sake of helping avoid further trauma makes it all worth it even if everything else is going totally awry and is completely out of our control (though usually that's not nearly as bad either). I'm not trying to judge; on the contrary, I'm thinking of a way of trying to reach out to whoever went through such a period. I think, it's possible to enjoy life independent of other people or what they think of you or how they treat you, even though undoubtedly, other people are a very important part of one's life, and loneliness is very difficult and horrible. But I think once you force yourself to act and do things for others, you tend to focus on your own loneliness and pain less, and it just gets better, not because anything outside changes (although it probably will, since your own actions affect your life), but your perception also changes. No matter what horrible things others do to you, they can't reach the person you're inside, because only you have the power to choose the way you react to what happens. You can choose to see goodness despite the pain and the filth, and not to repeat the horrific actions of whoever caused you pain.

Yet, none of this is easy, and some people grow up not knowing any sort of security or stability or friendship, and for whatever reason that continues and continues, and they are never taught "normal" ways of coping and dealing with pain and trauma, so at some point they just get overwhelmed and want the quickest and seemingly easiest way out thinking that their death will affect no one. (I won't even go into teenagers and hormones, etc. That's pretty obvious.) Some people just have sad, sad lives, which coupled with predispositions, and chemical imbalances, and various triggering events creates horrific scenarios, objectively escapable and manageable, but subjectively overwhelming. And then there are other people, who seemed to have been leading totally normal lives until something horrible happens, and they just snap and are no longer capable of dealing with that the way "most" people probably would. I have no idea how and why some people "break" under such circumstances and others don't. I don't know why people heal in such different ways from each other. I don't know what it is that made some Holocaust survivors embrace faith, and others to reject it, what made some of them active in telling their stories, while others hid and sought to flee from their past, why some embraced their heritage with a passion, while others became insecure and self-loathing. I think individual circumstances combine in extremely intricated and complex ways, and I think no one psychologist or psychiatrist can unravel it all completely.

But sometimes, it helps to take an outside look on how confusing and complicated the whole picture may seem, and laugh. Sometimes that's all you have, your sense of humor.

Normally abnormal,
Irina (Nissan)

Living, Laughing, Loving

2009-08-04T20:37:00.002-04:00

I've been tagged by A Bit of Light to write about the 7 things I love, which is very appropriate because I'm finally done with exams and feel very happy and loving indeed! :)

1. I LOVE having my life and freedom back, and the ability to enjoy so many different things. I have a tremendous number of interests, and while it's often difficult to pursue all of them at the same time, it's so great to be interested in so many things and always having something that adds passion to life. That means I can talk to practically anybody about practically anything, and if I don't know about something, that gives me an opportunity to add yet another interest to my ever-growing list and do some more research and exploring!!! And now that I don't have to worry about studying, I feel more liberated to give justice (no put intended) to the things I love!

2.Long walks on the boardwalk or pier when it's snowing. That may seem like a very strange "interest", but it's so beautiful when no one's around and you have all the water and all that long strip of land all to yourself. And the beautiful snowflakes falling over you, and the thick gray sky, and the clouds of fog in the distance all work together to create a very special feeling, a feeling that you have all to yourself, your own private secret. I miss that so much; I haven't done that in ages. I can't wait till it snows again in order to go out there and walk along the ocean, losing myself in the snow, the fog, and the solitude!

3.Surprises (good ones, preferably) - I love not knowing what the day may bring. Although I may seem like the kind of person who sticks to stability, schedules, rules, and lists, I actually like a nice doze of unpredictability thrown in, and especially lately, have come to appreciate the little twists and adventures that may spice up a seemingly mundane and fairly boring day. But I also like surprises in other respects. For instance, I prefer not to know what presents I'll be getting for birthdays or holidays; I like the surprises that travel brings me, and not really knowing exactly what we'll be doing, and being pleasantly surprised by people, whether they purposely try to surprise me (*sigh*, that hardly ever happens unfortunately) or whether I'm just surprised by the discovery of something new and exciting about them.

4. Different songs for different occasions and moods - Music is very important to me, and I have a constant soundtrack running through my head. It soothes me and calms me done when I'm agitates me, and in general it's such a big part of my life, that my life seems to be part of some grandiose musical show. No matter what happens in my life, I can't help but think of some song, tune, or melody that is appropriately tied in, and then it either runs through my head or I have to find it and listen to it until the mood changes. I'm not even sure whether the music reflects my mood, or whether my mood comes to reflect whatever pops up in my head.

5. Small things - as I grow older, the small things people do or say to each other seem to matter more and more, and I truly come to appreciate the saying "the devil is in the details". I think maybe that means I'm becoming less centered, by gaining that new ability to appreciate small things, rather than just expecting grand gestures from everyone around me. But it makes me feel so good when I see that someone puts in effort to choose one's words carefully for the best possible effect or little matters of politeness, like people holding doors for each other, or trying to be helpful in some small, but unexpectedly pleasing way. I think these small actions of considerate, thoughtful, and sweet people make the world a better place much faster than any global action any world leader may have taken. You know, I think it may be a hatching professional inside me, because small things show that you actually care enough to think of those details, and it's very important in one's professional sense, and I think having engaged in the kind of environment that forces you to think about that, carries over into ordinary life and helps me appreciate the important of thinking through what effect even your smallest actions may have on others around you.

6. Intelligent, witty conversations - I love words, and language. I read a lot, a lot, a lot, be it legal "literature" until recently (I'm on a much-needed break from it all for a while), or good reads, or classical literature, and have come to appreciate the importance of speech, expression, and communication. I myself have been very much drawn to speech and verbal self-expression since a VERY young age and that has actually come to define my direction in life. I love the sharp witty humor of intelligent comedies and especially appreciate films with excellent, unusual dialogue. I love aphorisms and thought-provoking sayings, and I love outstanding personalities with razor-sharp tongues, even if I don't necessarily agree with the substance of what they are saying. Such people, inevitably, DO have substance to what they are saying, and the form, as it turns out, has an incredible bearing on the substance at times. I love interesting conversations with my friends, and I love meeting people who are very articulate and intelligent. (As a matter of fact, by the way, I do NOT consider our current president articulate in the same sense as the people I appreciate. They make me want to sit there and listen eagerly, with my breath drawn, to their every word, even if I engage in a sharp, heated debate immediately thereafter). I love verbal duels and the matching of wits and minds. That's why, I think, legal environment drew me in very early on. I think there's probably a higher concentration of that particular type of intelligence in this profession than anywhere else, although, of course, the truly outstanding minds are always very rare and shine among crowds.

7.Fairy tales - I love magic, and fantasy, and fairy tales, and imaginative, creative stories, not just as a means of escape from reality (that never really works), but because I have the type of mind that is especially responsive to symbols, analysis, hypotheticals, and alternative realities.... and there's just something really beautiful in connecting to other worlds where anything is possible and there are no boundaries to one's imagination.

Now that I've shared some of the loves on my mind right now, I can't wait to hear some of yours...

I tag...

Passionate Life
Jack
Chana
Sarah
Mary Bishop
Scraps
E-kvetcher

Lively and liberated,
Irina (Nissan)

Solitary Confinement

2009-07-17T22:44:00.002-04:00

Having no life means I'm on track.

I haven't been anywhere in weeks, and haven't even set foot outside my apartment in several days, which in itself very depressing.

All day I just study and take short breaks for food and brief moments of rest. I study until I feel that I can't absorb anything anymore. My only respite are the few solitary hours in my room late at night, one-on-one with the Internet. That's my connection to the outside world, to other candidates sharing their tales of woe of bar preparation, and to all the fun I'm missing while I'm spending weekdays and weekends cooped up behind piles of books, flashcards, notes, outlines, and other legal paraphernalia.

The result will be worth it.... all I have to do is keep my eyes on the ball. Sometimes I forget about everything except for the task at hand. I feel like an empty shell of my former shell.. and only late-night online-chats with a select group of friends reminds me that I'm still me, a human being, and not just a bar-reviewing machine. It'll be over soon, and then I can rejoin normal life... but sometimes I feel like I'll never catch up, like all these moments that I've missed being out there participating in what's happening in the world at large put me miles behind everyone who's not taking the Bar....

The end is in sight. I can't wait to get this over with.

Determined,
Irina (Nissan)

It's A Marathon, Not A Sprint

2009-06-23T23:24:00.004-04:00

I've been buried in mounds of papers, flashcards, outlines, books, and drudgery that is bar review reality. I haven't been out and about in weeks. It's just as well since the weather is mostly unwelcoming, plus I've been ill with some throat-related infection. Nevertheless, I'm surprised to admit it, but bar prep is NOT as bad as I expected. Maybe because for the first time since my first year of law school I feel like we are all in this together, regardless of our job status, background, niceness, or anything else happening in our lives. It's a lot of work, it's boring, it's tedious, at times frustrating, and nothing that I would like to repeat any time soon, or ever for that matter... but it's not HORRIBLE. As of yet, I have yet to actually cry over anything bar related, so either I've grown tougher over the years, or, this really is just mind-numbing but relatively painless stuff that has to be done. Having said that, I can't wait till it's over and am looking forward to having my life back. My time is not my own and if I do something remotely fun over the weekends, I feel guilty about it.

My afternoons are filled with bar preparations. I go to the lectures for a few hours, then I go to the gym (or at least I used to before I got really sick and have been trying to recover ever since), then eat something, and hit the books until dinner break. And then a few more hours of studying, then chilling on Facebook and/or chatting with whoever is online until it's time for bed. I also manage to get some recreational reading done on the subway on the way to class and back. Every day is kind of the same, but as everyone I know keeps telling me, it's a marathon, not a sprint. So I guess, it's good to have a routine to stick to, and also not to run out of breath too early on. In any case, I'm slowly but steadily making my way through the material, and I'm sure at some point it will all come together.

I've done a couple of restful things in between, like taking a day off in the city with friends when the weather allowed it (once), and celebrating people's birthdays occasionally (life doesn't stop just because I have a bar coming up), but for the most part, nothing really exciting has been happening in my life. I'm really committed to this thing and am trying my best to stay in the bar review state of mind. Occasionally, the material gets especially tedious, and then it's hard not to daydream, but I figure that as long as I force myself to stick to a routine in form if not substance, I'll manage my way through the distractions and get back on track. Which I inevitably do. I'm kind of getting used to the fact that I'm constantly playing catch up and that most of my most aggressive and productive work will be accomplished in the last two weeks before the exam, just as everyone has been telling me.

In the meantime, I've been so busy with this stuff, that I haven't really had time to engage in too much whining and self-abuse. In other words, even My Inner Programmer has been lulled to boredom by the routine of my bar preparation and hasn't been causing any trouble. However, I've also noticed that another internal "voice", which I've had for many years, but which has been relatively quiet, has been in fact growing stronger. Strong enough that whenever MIP even dares to stir inside my frazzled mind, out it comes, sarcastic but reasonable as always, my protector and defender, my... Inner Lawyer! That's right, as I've been coming closer and closer to becoming somebody's or everybody's Outer Lawyer, my inner attorney, nice, soft, and fuzzy, has been gaining strength as well, and becoming my inner, um, firewall, against the annoying bearded geek with a laptop who's been harassing me for years and making my life miserable. The thing about the Inner Lawyer is he's actually NOT the only one of my official imaginary cheerleader team. I only get his help in certain situation.

You see, the Lawyer is actually a composite of various Voices of Reason in my life, mostly a few of my good friends, and therefore, while his voice is distinct from each of them because it's a composite, it also rings an oddly familiar bell so I only hear from him in the situations where I would otherwise seek my friends' advice. The Lawyer is a problem solver, so he doesn't do the sentimental emotional stuff except to tell me to calm down and to put things in perspective (again, rationally). He's supportive, calm, and pleasant but he's not one to turn for gossip or a hug.

If I need comfort, I then "connect" to my Inner Grandparents (who've actually all passed away, and are thus hopefully floating somewhere out there as spirits, and not just in my head), and listen to their words of wisdom, advice, or at least what they probably would have said to me had they actually been hear to listen to my tale of woe. I wouldn't run whining or sobbing to the above-mentioned friends. I would come to them either for specific advice to a specific problem, general ruminations on an ethical situation, or input about a complication that needs resolution, or maybe to perform a postmortem on some event or situation which, for better or for worse, has already transpired. Occasionally, I may hear a comforting word from them, but being tissues/pillows/psychotherapists is not their function. Their help is that of the logical, life-affirming, realistic kind that actually gets me somewhere in terms of direct action.

In any case, my Inner Lawyer is the exact opposite of the scruffy, wild-eyed, jittery-fingered Inner Programmer. The Lawyer is sleek, collected, thoughtful, and assertive, and comes with a legal pad rather than a laptop (yes, I know, almost everyone has a laptop in REAL life, but this is ME we are talking about. I don't have a laptop, and neither does my Inner Lawyer, obviously! Bear with me!) The best thing about My Inner Lawyer, however, is that he's always, ALWAYS on my side. Even when he criticizes me, I know that he won't just dump me there, that he's trying to help, and that most likely his advice is good, reliable, and RIGHT. You might wonder, by the way, why are all those inner geeks and professionals males, when I myself am decidedly NOT.

Well, the reality is, um, er, actually I have no good explanation for that, except having a catfight inside my head would be very unhelpful at any point, and most especially now, but I always did like me a good duel. :D That's about the only explanation I can muster. But don't worry, My Inner Lawyer does have a female assistant who actually sounds very much like me, and usually comes out when I'm not in the mood for the Lawyer's tough, no-nonsense attitude, but when I don't feel like sharing with my grandparents either. She's reasonable but gentle and she knows the way to coax me into doing the right thing in the situation. She knows that I really like to be coaxed. And the guy, well, he has no patience for any of that and just tells it like it is. Which is refreshing and helpful, but doesn't always work, or at least not when I'm in the mood to be coaxed. :D We all make a good legal team. By the way, if you think I'm totally nuts, well, it'll be a bit hard to dissuade you but...
1) None of those people actually ever appear to me in any physical sense, and I know they are completely made-up representations of my inner world.
2) They don't tell me to go and kill whoever I'm angry at. Even MIP is not murderous, just annoying. As for the legal helpers, they only tell me to do GOOD things, just like my friends would, so it's all safe.
3) Um, guys... whatever works. We ALL have inner voices running through our minds, I just happen to be a particularly creative and visual person and like to make up stories about them. That's why I have a blog. SO... relax. No need for straitjackets just yet. Let's wait till after the bar! :D

In any case, I feel much more in control of myself than ever before, or at least in a long time, and it's all good. Now I just had to get through all this and the sun will come out again on this blog!

Tired but determined,

Irina (Nissan)

Nissan

2009-05-28T23:37:00.006-04:00

Five years.

It's been exactly five years since I've started this blog. So much has happened in my life and in mind since then that if I were to try to summarize it right now, I would not be able to do it justice... so I'll save the overview for a more appropriate occasion.

I've been away for over a month. I was very busy, having to deal with finals, graduations, birthdays, namings, various illnesses, and everything in between... But I've also been going through a period of inner turmoil that had to do with several sudden realizations and the inevitable growth pangs as I'm getting ready to start yet another stage in my life.

Right now, I'm studying for the Bars, which I'm set to take at the end of July. It is a very busy, stressful, and somewhat overwhelming time in my life, and that is the only focus of my existence for the time being, until it is all over. I'm sure I'll be just fine. After all, despite my fears and repeated nightmares, I did manage to graduate with no problems... and I actually have a study plan... and really, Bar prep is not nearly as numerous (current) attorneys have led me to believe. It's a lot of drudgery and information overload, but most of the stuff I've already seen in law school, and it's more about discipline and organization than any rocket science skills.

That's the story.

So what's been happening while I was away?

Well, after I wrote my last entry, I decided to pay tribute to my New Year's Resolution, which was to adopt a less whiny and more joyous attitude to life, and celebrated my 24th birthday with my friends and family that weekend. The family part of the celebration took place at home, as usual. For the other day, we had a delicious dinner at THOR, and after some adjustment in the cast of characters, went dancing to the Bulgarian club Mehanata, which featured assorted Eastern European music and lots of bright shiny lights. Things did not go as expected, actually, and believe me, that was for the best... I forgot all about my previous second thoughts on dancing in public and had the time of my life... and really, everything was so wonderful that trying to sum it up in words will just take away from the awesomeness of the experience.

Only a couple of weeks later, another very important occasion followed. I finally chose a Hebrew name, and it was made official at the Shabbat morning services at the Manhattan Jewish Experience on May 9. I was not alone, but shared this wonderful moment with three other people, two of whom were very good friends. (Yes, one of them was Red Tulips!) I had initially revealed my name during my birthday celebration, but it was quite an awe-inspiring moment for me to stand there and receive my new name properly. Ah, but I haven't told you what the new name is... My Hebrew name is Nissan bat Shlomo. I chose the name after the month I was born (I was born on the 29th of Nissan). And while for many people that name holds no associations other than the name of the Japanese car, for me it is laden with layers of meaning, as I spent many months researching the name. It was actually the very first name suggested to me, but I dismissed it initially, since it seemed to be a singularly male name, and besides I wanted to do more research and be sure that the name would be the perfect name.

However, as time went on I began to despair, because nothing, absolutely nothing seemed to fit. The matriarchs did not really seem to apply. Other women of the Bible seemed to possess certain qualities that I wanted my new name to reflect, but nothing seemed to resonate with the very essence of my personality. I asked people on FB and my blog readers to give me suggestions, and after gathering a good sample of beautiful Hebrew names, I gave up and decided to give the matter a rest. But indeed there came the right time, as people have warned me there would, and the name came to me after a meandering search which started with someone's suggestion and took me in all sorts of unexpected directions, finding a surprising link to my actual given name, Irina, and in general informing on the very fascinating and complex circumstances of my birth according to the Jewish calendar. At some point, I will devote a post explaining exactly how I came upon my name and what it means specifically, but let's just say that when the right time I recognized it immediately with the kind of shock that one only gets when one comes across What Is Meant To Be... and that is how I knew that the name belonged to me, and I belonged to that name. There is yet another post awaiting you on how I feel about Destiny and What Is Meant To Be, and all these things (since my views on that issue have shifted over the years), but again, that will have to wait for another post.

The fact that I finally found my new name brought me much joy because it strengthened my ties to the Jewish community and made me feel much more part of the community rather than someone merely observing from the outside. I no longer felt like an impostor faking my way through the rituals. There is something about assigning myself a meaningful name that gave me my own place. It is a choice that I made consciously and for very specific reasons, those of teshuva, and not just an accident of circumstances or a mere whim. I admit some of my initial contacts with the observant community were based on mixed motives, some of them genuine, and others, well, somewhat dubious, but for the first time I was actually actively CHOOSING something and declaring myself as a particular person and a particular Jew in front of the entire Jewish community, everyone who knew me, the whole world, even G-d. It was my point of no return. I don't know where life will take me from here, but there's no going back to where I was a few years ago. I'm in a new place now. And I stated that.

I also felt that in a way, I was finally paying the tribute to my grandparents, the kind of tribute they deserved - seeing their granddaughter grow up to be openly, actively, unapologetically, and unequivocally Jewish, and choosing to return to her roots and traditions, on her own and for her own sake, without any prompting or pressure from anyone. This was my way of doing what they themselves could not do. My grandparents all had been given Jewish names at birth but could not use them openly, at least outside of the family circle due to the extreme circumstances in the places they have lived. (The Ukraine, Russia, and Vilna, later Vilnius/The Soviet Union). And I had promised to my grandmother at her funeral that I would become the kind of matriarch, the kind of rock, and role model to my future family that she was... For a long time, I was not ready, until I started to feel that the time was coming to start actualizing that promise... and I knew that the only way I could do it would be by embracing the traditions of the family, of going back to what initially made the family so strong, its Jewish identity that somehow made it, albeit in a somewhat masked form, through the generations of conflict, persecution, hiding, and dispersal. So when I was standing there in front of the Rabbi and the chazzan who were reading the blessings in Hebrew and English, the traditional blessings normally given when the Torah is taken out to mark the naming of a Jewish baby girl, I knew that this was so important for me because I was not just doing this for myself but for my ancestors and for the generations that will follow from me. I was making myself into a strong link in the generations of Jewish history. It was joyful for me. I knew that my name was very different from what most people would have chosen, but I've always walked a slightly separate path and done things my way. Yet I was there, perhaps and oddball, but very much THERE, with the rest of my nation, sharing its fate.

And when I went to the seemingly unending tedium that was my law school graduation ceremony I was also not doing it just for myself, because frankly, during those hours I would have preferred to be anywhere in the world BUT Madison Square Garden Theater. I wasn't just doing that to please my parents, although, there is no question that it would have been rather beastly of me not to acknowledge their incredible support during all these years, and all that they have done for me. I wasn't just doing that to torture my friends, although I admit it, misery loves company, and I felt better just knowing that they were sharing in the torture, and exchanging amusing yet desperate text messages during the worst parts of it. Part of the reason I was there was also for my grandparents, particularly my grandmother who wanted to be a lawyer, but that was not to be due to the anti-Semitism. Again. She would have made an incredible attorney. If anyone had the personality for that, it was she. And she was the first, and for a long time, only one to recognize my secret dream, even when I myself was in denial about it and did not see it. She was the one who gave me unconditional support when I finally came to my senses and realized that the legal profession was my absolute calling, my mission in life. She was the one who believed in me even when everyone else around me dismissed my dreams or expressed skepticism at my ability to succeed in this field, questioned my strength of character and determination. I was not becoming a lawyer FOR her, but I was on my way here in part because of her, or rather, THANKS to her, and my only regret after over ten years of courtship of the legal profession is that my grandmother did not live to see it. The law school graduation was just a symbol of me coming one step closer towards the beginning of the incredible journey I will come to enjoy once I become an attorney, an inspired attorney who believes in what she does and for whom being a lawyer is not just an occupation but an honor.

I am much calmer now than many of my future colleagues studying for the bar, because I know that I can do this, that if I wasn't stopped by now, nothing will ever stop me. This is one of the longest courtships I've ever observed, me striving to become a lawyer, and it has not been always easy or passionate or romantic, but it was always what I wanted and what I believed in and what I knew I was meant to do, and that knowledge helped me through the rough frustrating times. So even when I cried and yelled and cursed my fate and lamented my circumstances and promised to give up, I knew, that in reality I would not. I am not someone who gives up in general, and I certainly do not ever give up on something I truly believe in. The graduation was painfully boring but nevertheless it was worth it. Sometimes, you have to stop and acknowledge what you did, even if you don't feel like it, because again, what you do, is often not just about you but so many people that it will affect from my family and friend to the hundreds or even thousands of people I may yet encounter as a future professional.

Afterwards, we, of course, celebrated the occasion. We went to Blue Fin, and had a wild time with all the sea food. (I tried raw oysters for the first time and LOVED them, to the surprise of some of my friends, since many people insist that oysters are an "acquired" taste. My grandfather told me once of having tried them and finding them horrible in taste. But me, I loved every sip!) I was so, so relieved to actually be let out and allowed to proceed in my course. Everything was wonderful, my friends being there, my parents being proud and not hiding it (though, methinks, their pride was very premature as I have... miles before I sleep, so to speak). The wonderful cards that my friends got me, the stratlingly gorgeous gifts that my parents surprised me with, the beautiful flowers that I received... It was just such a perfect day, though it had started out with me absolutely certain that it would end in disaster and utter humiliation as I would be denied my diploma in front of my parents and friends. (Yes, I experienced the same paranoia in college. And high school. And, well, for as long as I remember).

This is a very important year for me, as you can see. And right now I'm in yet another home stretch that is taking me closer to the fulfillment of my life-long dream. There is so much more that I need to say, so much to tell, for life never stops even if my blogging takes a break, and there's a lot more that has happened to me and to others since I've last written here, but that will have to wait. I will try to take a few minutes to update or discuss what's on my mind, now that I've settled a little into my routine of studying, reviewing, and finally returning to the gym... But I cannot promise any regularity for obvious reasons. However, I finally am in a state of mind such that I am filled with passion for writing once more, and that is the most important thing. See you all around!

Inspired and enthusiastic,
Irina/Nissan

A Belated Congratulations

2009-04-22T00:31:00.001-04:00

In better late than never news, P.M.Prescott became a grandfather to Abigail. May she grow healthy and happy, and may she bring joy to her family!

Joyous,
Irina

L'Chaim!

2009-04-20T10:14:00.002-04:00

I am 24 today, and I affirmatively choose to celebrate life, rather than death.

Yes, it's Hitler's birthday. Yes, it's the 10th anniversary of the Columbine tragedy. Yes, tonight it's also Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Rememberance Day). But you know what? I think it's time for me to reclaim my own birthday. For too many years I associated it with tragedies; for too long it's been inextricably tied to pain and sorrow. I will no longer allow mass murderers and genocidal maniacs to steal away the most meaningful day in my year. I will take it and transform it into a day of joy instead, and hope that one April 20th will bring happy memories to people, and will be associated with something good.

Overall, it was a good day and I cannot complain. It rained very hard for most of the day, my umbrella broke, and I came home drenched, but that's more often than not the case on my birthday anyway, so I'm used to it and don't. I spent most of the day working on my papers, but I also went out and had an enjoyable lunch with Red Tulips and the inimitable Sandmonkey, at a very 50s-looking Big Daddy's Diner. I am so glad I went, despite the rain and everything. The conversation was really enjoyable, and I do wish there were more people like my two lunch companions out there.

That was really the highlight of my day, along with some nice loot I got early in the morning. ;) (I will enumerate my loot in detail after I'm done celebrating this weekend).

However, none of that is as important as the traditional part of my birthday, in which I reflect on the past year and what I've learned. Before I get to that, however, I have to say that despite the fact that most of my day was relatively uneventful and even monotonous, despite the fact that due to a computer-related issue, I lost part of the paper I worked so hard on and now have to rewrite it from memory, despite the bad weather... for once, I was actually in a pretty good mood, not depressed, not complaining about my birthday, not swearing off to celebrate it ever again. Honestly, I've gotten SO MUCH attention, kind words, and love from so many people I never imagined bothering to pay attention to, uh, my Facebook birthday notification that I'm completely overwhelmed. And in general, so many people thought of me and took the time to wish me a happy birthday and/or I know will be there for me when I celebrate it this weekend... I'm incredibly touched. It really does make a lot of difference to know that people care, and you're not just an invisible fleck of dust floating through life, as if by accident.

That leads me to my actual point - the one most important thing I learned this year was to value true friendship and to distinguish shallow, superficial relationships for people who are really there for you when you need them, even if you sometimes forget about it. I realized that I actually have such great friends, people who are not related to me by blood and thus have no actual "connection" of any kind, who so good to me... and I don't even know what I did to deserve it. I'm serious. I may complain a lot about perceived unfair and undeserved wrongs and hardships... but in the end, I have to say, that so many GOOD things that happen to me I didn't deserve either and cannot afford to take for granted!

I really feel honored and amazed that I somehow gained their friendship, because... although I try to be nice and kind to people, and to support them, and to be an overall decent person, I don't really do anything special, and so I have no idea how I get all of that. To know that I mean something, that I am somehow important to all these truly amazing and wonderful individual is a gift in itself, and really, well, it would have been enough if people were just KIND of there, but they are REALLY there and it's more than I deserve. Let's just say that friendship and support is not something that automatically just appears out of thin air. No one "owes" friendship to anybody. It's free will and choice. And the fact that people make choices to connect to one another, in this case me, despite all the apparent differences, which in reality aren't all that important is simply magical. In the end, I guess, Aristotle was right. In the end, it's all about the character, and the values, and backgrounds and even some of the interests, don't really matter all that much.

The other thing that I realized is... I feel so strong. I can do it! I was to walk a certain path, and now I embrace it, putting aside initial fears. You know, I used to have really bad stage fright, especially when I was younger, and for that reason I thought that I could never be a litigator. I felt ashamed of speaking in public, extremely self-conscious both about my accent and my presentation in general. I never thought I'd have anything interesting or worthy of hearing. I looked at the successful orators and communicators my age around me, and thought that I could never measure up to me, that they would always outshine me... and I really didn't think I had it in me to stand up in court and make any kind of statement. I thought I'd never be good enough. Well, this trial advocacy class, as well as other developments, showed me just how wrong I was. I can write, and I can speak, and I can act, and I can be good at it, and I can do anything I put my mind to it, if I work hard, and listen to advice and think about what I'm doing and apply discipline and method to everything. I can do anything I want. I can even do this whole litigation thing. I guess it was meant to be that my life would always push me in the direction that presented a special an obstacle to me and which I avoided or assumed was wrong for me for totally ridiculous reasons. I guess I'm meant to overcome those obstacles, to learn how to deal with what is difficult or counterintuitive for me. I have a special path, and I'm meant to walk it, and I will own it, and I'll live my life as it should be lived.

Finally, I learned how to let go of things a little bit. That's actually a work in progress, and let's just say there's STILL a lot of work I have to do in that respect. But I'm learning to be patient and to take things in stride, accept people for what they are, learned to deal with what I cannot change, and most importantly... to wait.

This year was also a year of a lot of progress in terms of learning about Judaism. I started doing Shabbat-related activities much more regularly, became more comfortable with services, learned a lot more about theory and had an opportunity to discuss all sorts of spiritual and philosophical issues, and finally observed Pesach for the first time in years. I also learned about the meaning of my Jewish birthday (it's the 29 of Nissan, which is this coming Thursday, April 23), and will be addressing THAT issue then, and gained a Jewish name, which I will post and discuss after I announce it at my birthday party in preparation for the Naming in May. I'm so excited about my future, graduating law school, hopefully passing the bar, and doing all those things I want to do. It's going to be a great year, I just knowing it. And here's to life only getting better from now on, in all respects!

Enthused,
Irina

A Pesachful of Tales

2009-04-15T23:44:00.005-04:00

Another busy week. And it was supposed to be a holiday!

So I finally decided to actually go to a real Seder for the first time in years. Instead I wound up doing TWO Seders. Actually, at first, I wasn't going to do anything. I figured that I'd put it off till next year when I'm no longer in school and well, when I hopefully be working and have "options". I was completely inert until a week before the beginning of the holiday when some friends started "gently inquiring" into what I'm planning to do for Pesach. Basically, it turned out that some of my friends didn't have a place to go for Seder and actually wanted to do that, so I started looking for youth-friendly/affordable options to help them out. And somehow along the way, I kind of got dragged into it as well and realized that hey, why put it off till next year when you can start living a real life right now. We searched and searched and as the day of the First Seder approached we started getting more and more desperate. Well, one of the people who got me into it bailed out along the way (for a very good reason, though), but I stayed on, and though things turned out to be "slightly messy" (read: on the brink of disaster/not happening), the day before First Seder, I finally got a confirmation and was all set to see some familiar faces the next day.

The next day arrived... along with some bad news from another of my would-be companions. By that point, however, I was sufficiently interested in actually celebrating the holiday for the sake of, well, celebrating the holiday that going to the seder by myself no longer deterred me. The seder turned out to be very nice. It was at a rabbi's place. He had a very nice family, and there was a couple of people from MJE that I knew. It was small and intimate, which I really liked. I don't mind being around a lot of people for a party or something, but I generally feel much more at ease with smaller groups of people, and especially when I'm trying to learn about something, I'd rather not have too big a gathering. I loved that the seder went at just the right pace. It was three hours long, which was perfect. It was not so overly long that it would be unsafe for me to return home in the middle of the night, nor was it so short as to be unsubstantial. I felt that it was a fair representation of the holiday. The food was delicious, the company was good, the learning experience was meaningful and inspiring... and the only thing that was ruining my mood was the news I learned about earlier on. I simply couldn't stop thinking about that. Things like that tend to affect me a lot. Hopefully, next year, the holiday will be an entirely happy occasion for everyone!

The next day, I went to another Seder, this time to Huntington. Red Tulips invited me and Thomas, who is now safely back from Iraq, and residing in NYC!, to spend the Second Seder with her family. And so we did. (I bet you're all wondering why I wasn't spending either night with my own family. And the answer is simple - my parents didn't really do anything for Pesach, and I wanted to see how it's done properly so one day I could actually have one of my own). In any case, as usual is the case with Jews, food, and holidays, hijinks and shenanigans ensued from the moment I walked out of my apartment. I decided to buy a matza cake for dessert and went to the local store. After finding a suitable cake, I went over to the counter to pay for it... and imagine my shock when my credit card was declined! After trying it again a couple of times, I stepped away from the register and called my bank to find out what's happening. What happened was all too believable, unfortunately. Someone hacked into their database and compromised my credit card information. So they sent out a new credit card with a new number and automatically canceled the old one fifteen days after the sending out the new one. Except the new one never reached me, and that was back in March. And no one bothered telling me when my old card would be canceled. In any case, now I had to also cancel the new card that they sent out and which I never got, and start the whole process all over again. That basically would mean that in the BEST CASE scenario, I would be sans credit card for another 10-12 days (very inconvenient), and in the worst case scenario, who knows how long I'll have to go around waiting for them to get me a card. Apparently they send out the card through a third-party affiliate... and it's entirely possible that those geniuses got my address wrong or something. In any case, I made sure to ascertain my information with the agent on the line, got the cake, and left the store sans credit card, sans cash, and in danger of missing the train to Long Island. I was not a happy camper.

I will not even attempt to describe the chaos that followed as RT, Thomas, and I scrambled to get to the train on time each dealing with a personal crisis, and trying not to drop the food we were carrying. Suffice it to say that eventually we made to RT's home in one piece, that it was very lovely, that dinner was wonderful, the company was great, the desserts were simply awesome, and I really had a great time and was very happy that I went. I stayed overnight, didn't get a moment of sleep, and in the morning, semi-comatose we took the train back to the city. I took a nice long nap and felt a little better, but let's just say that it was the end of a very stressful week where I got generally very little sleep.

The next day, RT and I were supposed to go to Fontana's to see the very talented Mary Bichner/Box Five concert.

My dear readers, I beseech you: DO listen to Box Five when you get a chance, but do not, I repeat do NOT, under any circumstances step foot into Fontana's.

When we entered Fontana's, the security/manager asked us for our IDs. He then proceeded to stamp RT's hand with "Paul", which I assumed to be his name. I gave him a copy of my passport and also my law school ID as a corrob.

Mind you, I've used the copy of my passport as ID for government agencies and other clubs/lounges/bars in the past, and not once have I run into any trouble based on that. On the contrary, security at several locations actually recommended me bringing a copy of my passport instead of the real thing so I wouldn't lose it.

"Paul", however, adamantly refused to let me in, and insisted that he had to have either an actual passport or a color notarized copy before him. I then explained to him that I don't drink and that, in fact, I'm willing to wear a bracelet/necklace to show that I won't be buying any alcohol... which would have taken care of the age issue even if he had a problem with my ID. Plus, there was RT, who, at 28 was very unlikely to hang out with minors, and as attorney was willing to certify as to my actual age and to supervise to make sure that I won't actually be getting any alcohol. (My actual age is nearing 24).

"Paul", however, refused to listen to any arguments and kept on repeating the same thing. Furthermore, he didn't even listen when Mary Bichner, the performer, asked him to let us in and vouched for our behavior.

That aroused my suspicion that perhaps the surprisingly law-abiding manager had an issue which had, in fact, nothing to do with his desire to keep the law (which only states that you can't sell alcohol to minors, not that they can't be present at concern in the company of someone with IDs), as with the fact that he simply didn't want to let me in.

We left the venue and stood outside to talk to Mary for a few minutes and to try to resolve the issue. "Paul", however, was acting in the most rude, and unacceptably obnoxious manner, telling us to leave, that we were blocking the entrance, and presenting a fire hazard. Now, not only werent' we standing in front of the door but rather to the side, but there was NOT A SINGLE PERSON OTHER THAN US there all throughout the incident. Not one. "Paul" took on a very rude tone with us, and accused us of disorderly behavior even though we were nothing but courteous to him. When we complained at the rudeness, he did nothing to remedy his inexcusable behavior.

I have never been treated so obnoxiously at any venue that I have attended to date, including by security at other clubs EVEN IN INSTANCES when ID was at issue for whatever reason. I take a strong issue with the way I was treated, and to be honest, I think that I was being singled out for whatever reason, and that the way I was treated, as was RT, had nothing to do with the law regulations, but rather with the manager's personal desire not to let us in.

We told him that we're not planning to visit the establishment ever again, and true to our word, I am indeed planning to avoid this place in the future and strongly urge you to do the same. Places where potential customers are treated in such a humiliating manner do not deserve positive publicity or our patronage.

It wasn't an evening gone completely to waste, however. We had dessert on the Lower East Side, wandered into Chinese fish markets and took exciting pictures of dead fish, hung out at Barnes & Noble's (where I was horrified to see Norman Finkelstein's disgusting are as one of the Staff Recommendations), and then with another friend went to see Adventureland, a comedy based on an actual amusement park in Long Island. We thought that it was more of a drama than a comedy, but it was enjoyable, not silly, and with good, solid acting and an intelligent script.

I stayed over at RT's and the next day she made a delicious matzah brei lunch for a small company that gathered up. The food was great as always when RT cooks, and the meal was very enjoyable. Afterwards, we took a brief but fun walk to the local dog park (the doggies were too cute!), and I returned home. The next couple of weeks are going to be a nightmare!

Exhausted,
Irina

A May Wedding

2009-04-15T14:37:00.003-04:00

Congratulations to Tara on her daughter Jordana's upcoming wedding! She's getting married on May 2 to her fiance Keith. That's always great news! :)

Joyous,
Irina

What's Real?

2009-04-12T23:01:00.002-04:00

You know the hardest thing about life...

You spend it chasing dreams and illusions thinking that they are real, that they are what you really need, the most real of reality... and when you are close to grasping them, they slip out of your hands as only dreams and illusions can. And you realize, that once again, you've allowed yourself to be fooled by false hope and wishful thinking, once again you've been on a wild goose chase after a fiction.

And then you look back and get this vague nagging sense that what's real has been under your nose all this time, hidden under layers of superficiality... all you had to do was look a little deeper. But you've mistaken the superficial for the real, and pushed away reality because... well, it just couldn't possibly be that easy, could it? You manage to find a thousand things wrong with what is actually quite right. And by the time you wake up to the simple fact that you've had all the answers and that you've been looking for all the wrong things, it may very well be too late.

The problem is, also, that to find the "real", the timing has to be right, and you have to be ready for it. You have to be ready to face the reality, however surprising and perhaps even unpleasant it may be, and deal with whatever it takes. It's hard to get the right timing and it's hard to tell when to take action and when to be still and wait for the right moment to come.

I managed to figure out that there are many paths to become what I really want to be - a good, no, an excellent professional. Some of these paths may be longer and harder than others, but in the end, I will wind up walking the path that is right for me, given that I can only live the way I feel is right. So whether I like it or not, I'll somehow and always, inevitably will wind up on that one path that is entirely mine. It's not easy, and it's sometimes frustrating, especially when others fail to understand that this is what's right for you and this is what you have to do. The only clue to how to deal with the constant feeling of rejection is knowing that those who push you away because they can't accept this is the path I have to take are not the kind of company that I would want to have along the way anyway be it in terms of employment prospects, friends, significant others, or anything else.

As for the rest, I'm still struggling to figure it out... I figure that somehow, along the way, I'll find the answers, if I keep my eyes open and if I learn from my illusory encounters. I think I am getting better at recognizing at what's NOT real... and from some easy and obvious examples, am starting to get a little the hang of what IS. However, I have a long way to go before I can confidently say this is it. The search continues. It is hard, very hard, but the harder it is now, the better it will be in the end when I have finally found it, when I embrace reality, and that by the time I am sufficiently prepared for the reality embracing me.

Sometimes, I feel completely alone. Sometimes it seems that no one can even come close to understanding me because, let's be honesty, I don't always necessarily understand myself or what I truly need. The only thing I keep telling myself is that if you're looking for something hard enough, everything will push you towards no matter how far you are from your goal... and if it's not what you actually need or want, even if it seems right there, so close, just of reach... it will not happen. So basically, I have to be grateful for everything that I thought I wanted and that hasn't happened (yet) because it simply wasn't a right fit for me at the time or at all. And I have to make the best of whatever did happen or is happening, because it happened for a reason, and clearly, no matter what I feel about it at the moment, there's something that I can get out of it.

Oh... and being patient. I have a real problem with that. I want to know where I'm going and where I am... but the truth reveals itself only one glimpse at a time, and I am forced to grow very slowly and not necessarily in the ways that I want or expect. What gives me hope is that I already have so much to be grateful for, and perhaps part of finding out what's real is learning to see the good in what previously you've overlooked, ignored, or did not appreciate. Perhaps the answers are close and it's only a matter of time before I see them, or perhaps they are far away and I will need to put in a lot more work before I get to them, but either way, I'm determined not to stop looking, and when I find what I need, to work on keeping it.

I don't know what to do or what will be, but I'll figure it out, I'll find out, I'll see!

Struggling,
Irina

A Pesach Mazal Tov!

2009-04-10T17:51:00.002-04:00

Mazal Tov to Jerusalem Gypsy on her third daughter's engagement - right after the second one's wedding! :)

Joyous,
Irina

A Whirlwind of Activity

2009-04-07T23:08:00.003-04:00

In the past couple of weeks, there's been so much stuff happening and so quickly that I didn't really have time to do it justice. I managed to

* Spent an exciting Shabbat with Red Tulips, who cooked an amazing Shabbat dinner of the most delicious salmon I've ever had, meaty, juicy, scrumptious portobello mushrooms, exciting grilled vegetables, grilled chicken with pasta, salad... and all of that was simply irresistible, so I had to practically roll out on the street. The entire company then followed to a wonderful host's gorgeous apartment for an evening of MJE-sponsored desserts and socializing. The next day we spent quietly relaxing and enjoying a delicious picnic meal in RT's backyard. Grilled pita bread soaked in olive oil with black pepper, grilled sweet peppers, fresh organic hummus, the leftover veggies from the delicious meal, vanilla Haagen Dasz ice cream, and rainbow cookies, made for an unforgettable relaxing lunch in the sun!

* Went to see a very exciting concert by a Russian/Korean independent composer and singer Yuliy Kim. He married a Jewish woman and moved to Israel with her, where she proceeded to die from cancer, and he proceeded to gain the Israeli citizenship and become a patriot of the country (though he does spend most of his time in Russia, where he was born and raised). Yuliy Kim displayed an exciting spectrum of his songs, some in parody or influenced by other famous bards, and some uniquely his own, but always very lyrical, and at the same time uniquely humorous, sharply satirical, and always wittily observant of the current social realities in Russia and beyond. I've heard many of his songs before, but didn't realize that he was also a composer of many famous movie songs. I also heard a great number of songs I wasn't aware of before. It is a shame that my enjoyment of the concert was ruined by a horrendous headache that haunted me all day.

* Became a recipient of Fordham Law's Abraham Murray magna cum laude award for Public Service. I performed 720 hours of public service during my "tenure" at the law school. We had this fancy reception, with delicious hors d'ouevres (I particularly favored the delicious lox sandwiches, the fresh jumbo shrimp, and the savory crabcakes that melted in your mouth), an award ceremony of reasonable length, and a three-course dinner afterwards. It was fun to hang out with people, relax, have fun, and take lots of pictures. I also invited Red Tulips, and was surprised to see that most (if not all) people didn't realize that they could have easily brought guests as well. Future lawyers of America... :)

* Organized another National Security and Law Society entirely by myself. Unfortunately, it did not work out as well as I thought, because despite a lot of my own individual publicity, most people somehow missed the memo. It didn't help that Fordham messed up and didn't prepare the big "official" posters on time, so I had to rely on my own hand-made flyers. :(

* Had a long-overdue dinner with Scraps! It was really good to meet up in person and catch up after all this time. Scraps introduced me to a really cool new place conveniently in Fordham's vicinity, called Noi Due, which is a kosher dairy Italian place, and which apparently, only opened up a month or two ago. If you're in the area, you should definitely check it out! The prices are VERY reasonable, especially compared to somewhat fancier places, such as Va Bene, and the atmosphere is casual, yet very hospitable, cozy, and authentic. Yes, the place puts a HUGE emphasis on authenticity/Italian feel and that really makes a difference. The waitress was very friendly and attentive, and the food was of very good quality. I have to give a special nod to the hot apple cider, which was the SINGLE best apple cider I've had anywhere, ever (and this, coming from a huge fan of hot apple cider). The presentation was simply remarkable. We got very tall glass of the beautiful liquid with several pieces of dried cinnamon apples on top, and a cinnamon stick for a straw. We also got long dessert spoons to help us deal with the apple pieces. I've honestly never seen anything like that anywhere else. I had the mushroom fetuccini as my entree, and was very satisfied with the taste, the price, and the fact that it was actually a manageable portion. For dessert we had cannolli which came with an interesting combination of dulce de leche/maple sauce and were very rich, textured, and exceptionally tender. I've eaten "real" Italian (non-kosher) connolli before, and these compared very favorably. In short, that's a place to keep in mind whenever I'm in that area and feeling up to dairy food!

* Finally settled on a Hebrew name! How that came about is a separate story, which I will relate in due time. In the meantime, I'm very excited. I'm going to announce my name at my birthday party, which is coming up in just a couple of weeks (my goodness, how time does fly!), and will follow up in cyberspace and everywhere else of course. I'll have an official naming at the Torah reading at MJE on May 9. I *really* can't wait for the above-mentioned occasions, because I feel that the name is very meaningful and special to me, and really fits well with what I've always wanted from a Hebrew name, albeit in a very different way than I expected or planned! I'm bursting with the desire to spread the word, but meanwhile I've kept the news undercover, and have only mentioned my name to a couple of people who probably won't be able to make it to either occasion. That has been a very positive development in my life, and has really been helpful in lifting some of the stress of wrapping my third and final year at the law school.

The next months are going to be very busy both with schoolwork, bar-registration and preparation activities, and social activities of all kinds, but I'll do my best to keep at least with the highlights of what's happening!

And for now, I wish everyone who celebrates Pesach, a Chag Kosher veSameach, and to those of my readers who will be celebrating Easter (in case I'm not back online and/or forget), a very Happy Holiday! :)

Lots and lots of stuff to discuss... but I haven't slept for a couple of nights, and need some rest!

Overwhelmed and giddy,
Irina

Another Blogger Baby!!!

2009-04-06T13:07:00.002-04:00

Mazal Tov to Drew Kaplan and Rachel on the birth of their daughter Sophie Bella (Zirel Basya). :) Wonderful news, and beautiful names!

Joyous,
Irina

Another Mazal Tov!

2009-03-30T23:58:00.002-04:00

And I have to extend another Mazal Tov to Jerusalem Gypsy on the marriage of her second daughter! Wonderful news! :)

Joyous,
Irina

Another Seraphic Simcha!

2009-03-30T23:45:00.001-04:00

Mazal Tov to Robert and Karen on the engagement of Offspring # 3! :)))

Joyous,
Irina

Resurrecting The Salon

2009-03-24T22:58:00.003-04:00

The last couple of months I've been doing something a little different with Facebook. Previously, I used it to post my numerous photos, update my status, Facebook stalk my numerous "friends"/acquaintances, and once in a while, play around with cute applications. There was also the convenience of knowing people's birthdays. :) But at some point, after finally learning how to "share" various items of interest, post links, etc, I figured out that Facebook can be so much more than just a time-waster/privacy violator/place for pasting embarrassing drunk pictures for people who are so inclined. Not only can it turned into a massive (and free!) networking tool, which I consciously set out to do a while back, but it can also be used for awareness-raising campaigns and other goals.

Using my own account, I decided to resurrect the idea of a "salon", a gathering place where people from all walks of life can learn new things, share thoughts, and engage in meaningful or entertaining discussions. I began a more purposeful search of the news streams, magazines I read, and various websites for articles of interests. By no means can I ever be called an impartial observer, so either the items I post or my comments to those items do tend to have a strong conservative lean. However, I welcome comments from everyone, as long as they do not veer too much off tangent and are more than mere ad hominem attacks on the author of the article, me, or other commenters. Although a lot of what I post tends to be politics/news/current events/government/foreign affairs-related, I post whatever I find interesting/important/worth reading, including some of the articles my friends send me or what I find through other Facebook links. It can be an occasional book review, YouTube video, historical, scientific, or archaelogical article, photography, cutesy items, funny or off-beat stories, and whatever else is out there. Having over 1500 "friends" helps, since all these stories appeal to various people with various interests. They don't necessarily always comment, but sometimes I see that they "liked" something, so I know that someone's paying attention.

I actually find that way of discussing the news more helpful than blogging. Let's face it, only a minority of bloggers write interesting, insightful, or somehow original punditry. Everyone else is mediocre at best, and rehashing the same news stories in lengthy entries can get tedious both for the blogger and for the readers. Nevertheless, that doesn't mean that we should stop discussing the news or politics. But linking articles through a greater number of people with short comments, and more lengthy discussions in the comments seems to me a more efficient system than the traditional blogger format. And of course, since there ARE some fantastic bloggers who produce high-quality posts and observations, I link to them just as I would to a newspaper or magazine article. I just relieved myself of the duty to pontificate on these issues at length until and unless I do have something particularly clever or meaningful to say. Otherwise, I keep it short, and discuss the rest in the Facebook "conversations".

Of course, all my Blogger notes also get imported into my Facebook account, so if I have any words of wisdom or interesting ruminations which require a lengthier analysis, be it something personal, some legal or ethical issue, or a coverage of a cultural event I attended, people can read and discuss that as well. Basically, I think Facebook has an excellent potential for multimedia discussions, and a great level of flexibility to be used in a variety of ways. Recently, for instance, I've been using it to post songs that have some kind of nostalgic value to me, what I used to sing in my school chorus days, or that somehow became meaningful to me from back in the day, and that's also a way of revisiting memories, keeping them in one place, and sharing them with people. Now if the new FB format hadn't been so horrible! *Sigh*

There is also another purpose to this "salon" and that is to raise general awareness of what's going on out there in the world. Let's face it, most people just don't care about anything. They don't watch the news, and if they do, they only get soundbytes and/or celebrity gossip. People from different parts of the world still think about people living elsewhere in broad stereotypes, because they mostly only read their own media, and one particular point of view on the situation. Consequently, most people are completely disconnected from larger events, and it's very difficult to have a meaningful conversation with them or to debate them on anything since they don't even know what's happening, much less how or why we got there. Of course, my own "sphere of influence" is only limited to people who have access to my account, but they are enough and they sometimes share some of these items on their accounts with other people, so at least some stories trickle down and get disseminated. I feel that I have much more potential for influence on FB than I ever did through my own writing on Blogger.

As for privacy... well, I only put as much personal information there as I'm comfortable with, and thus feel in complete control of my on-line life. (And I really don't care much what people think or say about me. I don't put inappropriate things in there, and in fact, don't HAVE drunk or naked pictures at all, so I feel I have nothing to fear). In fact, I feel much better about Facebook than about Citibank, which just had a massive identity theft. And yet people put their trust into their bank accounts all the time. :) Thoughts?

Active,
Irina

Dirty Old Men, Etc, Etc., Etc.

2009-03-23T00:02:00.005-04:00

This was a bit of a whirlwind weekend. It all started with a hospitality "Shabbat Across America" program which I decided to attend because it sounded fun. It was supposed to involve mostly foreign Jews, but as always, they were short on men, so they allowed American guys in, too. :) In any case, the first part of the program included a hospitality meal with a family. There were about 140 visitors who were distributed among 21 families on the Upper West Side. The family I was with had only a few guests, but we had a GREAT time. They were just incredibly gracious hosts; I really hope to encounter that family again. They had a beautiful apartment tastefully decorated in Eastern Style, a gorgeous view of the river from the window, and delicious food. The carrot cake alone was such a memorable experience that I'm still drooling just thinking of it!

But all good things come to an end, and after a couple of hours of great conversation and very satisfying eating, we headed towards our next destination - the place where all the guests were supposed to gather to eat dessert and socialize. That place turned out to be an absolutely breath-taking apartment in an equally beautiful apartment building, apparently owned by the family who hosted all the dessert-eaters. The apartment was decorated a la Versailles, and took up an entire floor. Commenting on the number, variety, and the beauty of the desserts will not do them justice. All I can say that those were the best parve (non-dairy) desserts I've ever eaten.

The rooms quickly grew crowded with the arriving guests. I saw a few familiar faces, but most were indeed foreigners. The women were in their 20s and 30s and were all beautifully dressed and filled with enthusiasm. The men were much fewer in number... and also much older, on the average from mid-forties and up... Unfortunately, they seemed not at all to mind the age difference and pursued young girls as if they were still in college. In fact, one of them approached me and managed to completely flabbergast me with his inappropriate comments about my figure and suggestions to "get to know me better" whispered into my ear in a tone that could only signify one thing (the obvious). I have no idea what made that guy think that kind of behavior was in any way tasteful or why on earth that should make anyone, much less me, enthusiastic, but I assure you, I did not enjoy being treated like someone who was being picked up at a bar, rather than attending a Shabbat event. (And no, I was not wearing "open" clothes or a lot of makeup, so I can't say I was being provocative, either). I did my best to evade that guy throughout the evening, either by starting conversations with people, getting lost in the crowd, or moving from room to room when I saw him approach.

Unfortunately, that did not help, because he kept popping up right next to me no matter what measures I took to evade him, offering me drinks, cutting into my conversations, and doing whatever else he thought necessary to get my attention. He got my attention all right... Soon afterwards, and after speaking to someone who I initially thought to be normal, but who spoke to me in the soft, creepy voice of a serial killer from a horror movie, I realized that it was time to leave (i.e. flee), and made my way out. Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of normal, decent guys there, and I did have a couple of good conversations... But overall, guys were not at the top of their game that night, what can I tell you!

Fortunately, no one pursued me, and I got to Red Tulips' place with no problems on the way, albeit much later than I expected. The next morning, when we went to services, I was unpleasantly surprised to see many of the guys from the previous night! One of them kept shooting me glances from across the room. After the services, and during the socialization, I did my best to stay away from them, and whenever I saw one approach I'd zigzag into the crowd and start a conversation with somebody I knew. We left kind of early, and had an excellent lunch at Red Tulips' place. Later that night, we went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where we were joined by an out-of-towner. Together, we enjoyed a wonderful concert, which was a bit of a surprise for me. I kind of forgot that the Met has a concert hall. The concert consisted of Tamara Mumford, a mezzo-soprano, and Ken Noda, a pianist. They were occasionally joined by the flute.

The concert kept me at the edge of my seat. It's been a long time since I've heard a classical voice singing anything other than straight opera, and I have very limited experience with classical songs. The gathering of compositions was a great introduction. It ranged from Ravel's "Scheherazade" to Rachmaninov's songs to Haydn, to five "Cuban Negro Songs" to poetry set to modern music. (Will update with details when I get my hands on the program). I was very happy to be provided with the librettos in the native languages and English so I could follow along. Tamara Mumford was outstanding. A great mezzo-soprano is a gift, that, in my opinion is underutilized severely. You get your occasional alto at the opera, mostly for boyish parts, but most female voices just follow your spectrum of sopranos, with Carmen and a few other sultrier roles being the dramatic exceptions.

So when you get to hear the multilayered richness of the lower end of the female voice spectrum, it's always a bit of a surprise, quite pleasantly so. The pianist, likewise, was outstanding. He was so involved in each song that you did not have to understand most of the libretto to get the idea of what was happening, just through his facial expression and the emotional flight of his hands, at times gentle and fondling, at times dramatically brusque. And of course the music flowed so beautifully that I did not want it to ends. After the concert we drove down to Brighton Beach, for RT and her companion to get a bit more of an introduction to the exoticism of the Russian restaurants... and got lost three times in a row, which added a touch of an adventure to our journey.

On Sunday, the weather was simply beautiful and I hung out for a bit in the Souther Seaport area, enjoying the views and the first signs of Spring. Unfortunately, that didn't last the whole day, and by the time early evening started rolling around, it grew rapidly cold. I would say that some disappointments notwithstanding, that was a weekend well spent!

And now, back to school... :(

Missing spring break,
Irina

To Desert... or To Dessert

2009-03-21T23:11:00.003-04:00

Lots to report, but my most interesting stories will have to wait till I'm a bit rested. In the meantime, I have a situational question for you, and I will update this post with what I've actually done tomorrow.

So let's suppose you're in a fairly large grocery store or supermarket. You just picked a box of inexpensive but delightful dessert that you're supposed to bring over for dinner. As you're walking down the aisle, you trip and the box falls out of your hands, hits the floor, opens, and half the dessert spills out onto the floor. You gather everything put it back into the box, and quickly get away from the place of embarrassment. As you walk, you're mulling over what to do. At this point, you have one of two options. The first is to pick up another box of dessert to replace what you just ruined and to pay for both, then to get rid of the broken box. The other option is to get rid of the ruined dessert immediately, and just buy what you actually intend to eat. You know for a fact that you could very easily place the broken box somewhere out of sight without anyone seeing you. You also know that there were no video cameras where you were walking with the box when you tripped, so no one knows about the accident. The box is very inexpensive, and the store can easily afford the loss. In fact, no one will even notice. You, on the other hand, are in need of every penny, and having to buy an extra box for nothing will present a hardship for you. As you walk, you stop by the aisle where you got the dessert, and pick up a new box, which you will be buying regardless of your decision. You can now easily and quietly place the broken box somewhere behind the row of the similar-looking desserts. There is no one around; no one can see what you're doing, and if someone were to approach you could easily say that you just saw a broken box and decided to take another one. What do you do? And why?

I know this sounds like a very stupid dilemma to bring up, and to some, if not most people this is not even a dilemma. And yet... and yet, I'm not a superheroine or a secret agent or even a full-fledged lawyer yet, so the dilemmas in MY life tend to be small and stupid, and I can only write about what I know, rather than making up fanciful and fake-sounding scenarios. :) Oh, and please don't try to guess what I did, even if you're fairly sure of the answer. Just write what YOU would have done in that situation.

Puzzled,
Irina

UPDATE: I paid for both. It was a little embarrassing, since the broken box of desserts looked liked I opened it in a hurry and started eating from it, but no one commented on that. I decided to pay for it, because, let's face it, I was the one responsible for the damage, not the store. And yes, the store could have easily absorbed the costs... but if everyone starts dropping things and not paying for them... It won't be able to absorb the costs for very long now, will it? And in any case, it's one thing to talk about morality in the classroom and make grand gestures... but it's much more difficult to do the right when no one's watching you and no one cares about your choice. Sometimes, it's actually harder to do the small things, to make the effort about the unnoticeable things, precisely because you won't be getting any credit for them, and because the temptation not to bother is stronger because they are so small. In other words, it was just an exercise in character building.

Double Blue!

2009-03-18T13:19:00.001-04:00

Danny and Kendall are having two boys... and thankfully, they are both healthy!!! Hopefully, no more scares!!!

Relieved,
Irina

In the Middle

2009-03-15T13:38:00.005-04:00

This weekend wasn't particularly dramatic, and maybe it's not such a bad thing.

I spent Erev Shabbat with Red Tulips at the Columbia University Chabad, which turned out to be every bit as warm and welcoming a place as Chabad at the Loft, which we had both visited a while ago. The food was absolutely delicious - the salads, the tender, juicy chicken, the rice with fried mushrooms and onions, the potato and noodle puddings, and the delicious carrot cake for dessert, and in general the proceedings were not at all intimidating, even for someone from a relatively secular background. Many of the guests were actually from France and seemed like a nice bunch. Most of RT's and my conversation actually took place with... a figment of our imagination. ;) (Or at least with someone who did a pretty good job of passing for our hallucination!) And in general, I felt pretty comfortable and not nearly as shy as I usually do when surrounded by complete strangers.

The truth is, part of that comfort is certainly coming from slowly but surely getting more acquainted with the rituals, various beliefs, and levels of observance that exist out there. When I walk into shul or an observant home, I'm no longer in a state of absolute shock, and am much less likely to make a very basic faux pas, such as talking during kiddush/after washing hands and waiting to receive my piece of challah as I was a year ago. I didn't even notice how I came to this level of relative comfort, but I guess practice makes perfect, and I believe I'd even be able to explain what basically takes place to people with no Jewish background at all if they joined me for services or for a Shabbat meal.

The truth is, I still need to gain somewhat more background in the holidays (which aren't as regular as Shabbat occurrences), and more intellectual underpinnings, but that will have to wait a bit until I'm done with law school and the Bars. As much as I want to learn more about Judaism, I'm very much invested in this law school thing for now, and need to deal with my "prior commitments" before I go on making any new ones. Since I'm now officially on Spring Break, however, I will have a bit more time for Jewish and social activities and hope to reimmerse myself in what I used to enjoy so much last semester before I got overwhelmed with my evening classes and other school activities for a bit.

There is something else that has been bothering me a bit lately, and that is feeling like I don't really quite fit in anywhere, and that I'm being pressured to conform to either a completely secular or a wholly observant lifestyle of at least MO level if I wish to lead a normal life. Don't get me wrong, most people don't go around lecturing me on the evils of my current lifestyle. They don't tell me: "Stop keeping Shabbat, you weirdo" or "You have to start wearing long skirts and keeping kashrut this minute, or you're officially a bad Jew". Even my mother seems to come to some level of understanding about my interest in Judaism and my association with Jewish organizations and activities, and as long as I still eat her food, I think it's going to be ok. :) However, many aspects of what's considered "normal" life are seemingly contingent on my clear choice of one or the other, wholly observant or completely secular, and I'm not ok with THAT. Let's take relationships, which seem to be less accomodating than schools and jobs on the issue of my relationship with Judaism and personal choices.

In order to have a functional long-term relationship, it seems, I have to be either completely shomer negiah (which means not touching any non-relative man in any non-accidental way ever again) and keeping kashrut...(etc, etc,) or if I choose to be more secular, it pretty much means having to well, be intimate with the guy when he tells me to. And I don't feel like I should have to "choose" either of these options unless I actually WANT to, and truth be told, I don't. I am not ready to keep kashrut and engage in a very deep level of ritualization for the sake of rituals (and I only want to keep the rituals which I understand and which I feel do indeed contribute to my personal growth), and I do NOT view every physical contact with men as sexual. Handshakes and friendly hugs, for instance, are generally NOT sexual in my opinion and I don't see any good reason why they should be viewed as such. (Unless people are completely obsessed with sex, and that's all they can think about... but hopefully, I am somewhat above that level of development).

And as for being the polar opposite of shomer negiah, that doesn't fit me either, because I do want a complete level of commitment with only one person, that person being whoever turns out to be my husband. That had always been very important to me, even before my interest in Judaism developed, for independent reasons that make sense to me. The bottom line is, I want my choices in life to be respected by people *I* treat with respect, be they my friends, family, or whoever I'm dating... without feeling pressure to conform to THEIR norms, or at least them dictating me what I should and shouldn't be doing and why I am wrong. I don't want to limit myself to hanging around only religious people in the hopes of finding someone who will accept my choices, because, well, it's very clear that I will have to change my entire lifestyle just so someone could accept ONE of my choices and that's just too much for me right now... and with the secular people, unfortunately, it's even harder because they feel like I'm a living anachronism, and that basically, why bother with me when they can get someone else to do what they want "easily". I feel stuck, yet dedicated to my principles and to being the person that I am and doing what feels right and comfortable for me. That is how I've always lived my life, and despite certain difficulties it has presented, I have never regretted any of the choices I've made, which, I guess speaks for itself. Nevertheless, I do want a family, I do want to be surrounded by people who understand me and accept me for who I am, and that's not always easy. My friends are a very eclectic group of people who are in various stages of their own personal growth (Jews and non-Jews alike), and I am fine with not being a part of any one particular group, with just surrounding myself with INDIVIDUALS, rather than sticking to a clique.

I think I'm going to get blasted for this post by people from both groups. I am already looking forward to comments like "You can't have your cake and eat it too" or that at some point I'm going to HAVE TO choose if I want to be accepted. Well, the more I think about it the more I realize that I don't WANT to be accepted if that acceptance comes at the sake of sacrificing what's important to me or compromising my values for the sake of conformity. This is not merely idealism, because in general I'm very flexible and try to be accomodating when it comes to dealing with different people and norms. But at the same time, I do feel bitter, because it's so much harder for someone like me than for whoever goes by rote, without ever questioning why they do what they do, or acting differently from what the norms of the society surrounding them (my opinion of any given society as a GROUP is usually rather low). The key is to seek individuals rather than groups, which is never easy, but it's possible. The most important thing is to respect myself. If I respect myself, and exude confidence, others will, as well. And if they don't... well, I don't really have to care now, do I? :)

(And that's just ONE of the ways in which I feel I'm stuck in the middle; how I'm also stuck between my numerous and diverse intellectual and aesthetic pursuits and the various adventurous and exploratory interests is a separate entry, and the fact that I really need a good balance of both to feel happy is not making my task in finding and keeping companionship any easier).

Someone once told me: "Be more simple. You'll attract more people if you stop being so complicated."

But... amoebas are very simple, and there's certainly a lot of them. I, in fact, strive to be as "complicated" as possible and to elevate myself above "the simple" as much as possible, for that is the process of my growth and development. And right now, I'm just taking a step back and trying to look at my situation from the outside, and maybe come up with a better strategy for the future. The one thing I'm NOT going to do, however, is give up and give in. :)

Complicated,
Irina

End of the Story

2009-03-11T23:58:00.002-04:00

Something that was very important to me just ended. I think I gave it my best shot; I invested what I could, I learned from my past mistakes and avoided them, I think I mostly had an excellent control of myself, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, I stayed true to my principles.

On the one hand, feeling like you've failed at something that may have been a success is certainly not a happy feeling. On the other hand, I feel proud of myself for having the right intuition about where things were headed, mitigating damages by handling it as early as I could once I detected the signals, and in general not feeling like I have anything to blame myself for. The outcome is not altogether negative. First, I've learned some important things about myself and other people. Second, I defined even further my own expectations in the future in similar situation, and what I want to see. Third, I did not drag out the misery unnecessarily, and saved time and emotional resources.

Fourth, I think I'm well on the way to becoming the person I want to be, and I really feel very confident and in control, despite the fact, that this particular situation did not lead to the kind of results I wanted. But I did discover, finally, that inner strength that I will need in the future, so when the right time comes, I will be able to draw on those inner resources and handle things the way I want, and will be even better at feeling in control of myself and the situation. Finally, and most importantly, (and I really have to thank God for the early intervention), I was not left trapped in a situation, which was not meant to happen and which would not lead to the best possible outcome. That can only mean one thing - the best is yet to come, and my destiny awaits me.

Everything in the right time.

I've grown as a person, I strengthened my core beliefs, and in the end, I came out as a winner, because I have NOT done anything that would make feel ashamed of myself later. I still respect myself at the end of the day, and that's the most important thing. I have a strong belief that if I keeping on working on myself, if I remain true to my principles and to personal growth, the right time and the right situation will come, and...

"I've lived to be the very best
I want it all, no time for less"

I'll get what I truly deserve and will, in fact, have it all.

Patience.

Head held up high as always,
Irina