Average Girl In Average World

Gone Almost A Month... Updates

2009-05-22T06:11:00.000-07:00

I didn't realize it had been this long since I posted.. .. maybe I should pay better attention....

Anywho....

The kids are in full swing with TBall and softball. What has been interesting is watching my son develop this love for baseball. He is all about it. Soon as we pull in the ballpark he is unbuckling himself and yelling.. "we're here" hehe.. .So cute. My daughter wasn't too keen on the whole idea at first but now she enjoys playing. This was her first year and she has been self conscience about the whole thing, She gets that from me. But she is playing well and learning the game.

My puppy is still worse than Marley (the movie) as far as chewing things up, but the bathroom habits have been corrected. THANKFREAKINGGOD.

My stint in the PTO is winding down to an end for the year. One more meeting and no more. THANKYOUVERYMUCH. If there is one thing I have learned it that if certain people within a school don't want you involved, they will find a way to push you out. Bunch of catty bitches is what I have been dealing with. I am not there to make friends - even though I have, that wasn't my goal. My goal was to do whatever I could to benefit the students and teachers of the school. But I'm not clique, so some people got a little offended and they got caught talking a bunch of shit behind my back. When confronted, they cowered and lied, I cussed them out. Bunch of bitches... But that's in every school, not just ours.

I quit my job. Yup, in this economy I quit my job. My work husband that I mentioned before..... decided it was time to make his move.. on me that is... Going through what I have been going through, I was open to it. We went out a couple times, got really close, really fast. You know when you first start dating someone how new everything is and the feelings associated with it? Well it was all good until in one day, he completely turned me off and I made the decision then that it wasn't gonna work. I am who I am, don't try to change me. This person knew me for 4 years before hand. We worked side by side for 4 years, 40 hours a week, 5 days a week. This person knew all about me, my good, my bad, all about my family issues, my personal issues I have struggled with... I hid nothing. Now all of asudden, I need to change? I don't think so brotha. Besides, his kids were grown (almost my age) and I don't think he was so keen on me having small children, he had forgotten what it was like, having them around 24/7. Making a mess in a restaurant, not always being quiet when you want them too. THEY ARE KIDS DUDE AND I AM A PACKAGE DEAL.

Now the quitting of my job wasn't such a bad thing, it has pushed my Real Estate. I signed on with a local realtor!!! We have scaled back expenses to make it work. I have to MAKE THIS A PRIORITY. This is my future after all.

I look forward to keeping in touch with everyone again. Sorry I disappeared.

Reflections..... And My Longest Post to Date.

2009-04-24T09:42:00.000-07:00

These pics were taken today, 5 days after the incident.

Now that I have time to sit and put my thoughts down on paper (so to speak) I want to take this time and explain the situation and the events that have since followed after the initial incident....

OK.

Right around April 1st. I pretty much had all I could stand. I felt like I was suffocating and trapped and being held under one's thumb. That thumb belongs to my Hubby. This is something I have been struggling with for a couple months. We had talked and I told him what I was needing from him, and I know I am not perfect and there were some things he said he needed from me. I tried to relax and give him the benefit of the doubt. Hoped he would change. Prayed he would change.

Those things I needed were simple in my mind. Be supportive of my goals. For him to actually develop some of his own goals. Both professionally and personally. Give me some fucking breathing room. Seriously. All these years I have done 99% of weekends by myself. If I even want to go to the grocery store I have to take at least one kids with me. He gets a break from the kids, why can't I? Why can't I go to the nail shop and get a manicure without having to pull my son off the freaking walls? You can't relax that way. You can't. I tried explaining to him that if I am not at 100%, how can I give 100% to my kids? And I don't want this to sound wrong, but I don't want to lose myself in my kids, I am more than a Mom. More than a wife. The last thing I want to happen is when they decide to go on their own, that I will have no freaking idea who I married, what my interests are or what even makes me happy.

Yes, there are other issues. Like saving money, helping around the house, to treat me like his wife instead of his friend. Don't get me wrong, he was my BEST friend, but he never treated me like a WOMAN. I am not 17 anymore, I am a grown woman who's needs and desires and wants have changed. I felt like we were growing apart and in a sense we were. I wanted to excel and move forward in my career WITH HIM by my side. I wanted him to go on that journey with me. He wasn't interested.

So back to the beginning of April...... I decided I was gonna move out. Started looking for rentals. Made him sleep with the kids. We had conversations on furniture division, visitation with the kids, child support, property division, everything.

In an attempt to get him to adjust, I stayed away one weekend with a girlfriend and let him have the kids. THAT WAS THE BEGINNING OF THE END.

Once I got back, he decided to start going to the bar. Staying out til 2-3 in the morning. Claims the only way he could sleep was to be intoxicated. WHATEVER.

In the meantime, I found a rental. Starting making arrangement to make that transition. He heard the words coming out of my mouth, but he wasn't COMPREHENDING them. There were a couple times I thought about just staying and trying ONE MORE TIME. But I figured what the hell.... I had already given 11 years.

Now to the night of the incident......

It was Sunday and we had talked about things and I told him my position was still the same - that I was moving and in fact, I was going to start packing that night. He decided he was going to the bar....WHATEVER DUDE.

I started cleaning and packing. Put the kids to bed at 8:00 as usual. Decided to get all the laundry done and make sure all my Summer/Spring clothes were out and washed also. He started texting me around 10 pm saying he knew that I was fucking somebody. Then another one saying I was a coward because I couldn't tell him the truth as to why I was leaving. Since you know, a woman can never leave a man without having another one.... Anywho.... the last text I got from him was about 1:15 am saying he was on his way home and was I ready for him? I should have left then, I knew deep down in my heart what was getting ready to happen.

Now mind you, I was still up doing laundry when he walked in the door. He was fucking hammered. Liquor, not beer. I was standing by the dryer, folding clothes and he walked over to me, leaned against the washer and asked if we could talk. I said no, your drunk and I have nothing more to say, it's not my fault you haven't been listening for the last month. Then, he grabbed me. Started screaming in my face about how I could just give up and don't give a fuck about him or anything else. I tried to pull away from him but he works with his hands and they are EXTREMELY strong, so there was no way I could pull away from him. Then it's a full on struggle and he pushed me into the 1/2 bath that is connected onto the laundry room. He reaches both hands under my ears and up around the back of my scalp and gets ahold of my hair. Then proceeds to scream in my face then SLAM my head into the wall about 6-8 times. I scream even more. He throws me down to the ground, I scramble to my feet and try to run to the other end of the house. He grabs the back of my shirt and throws me on the couch. Now at this point he has me in the corner of the couch - basically straddling my body with his hands on my arms, then he puts my arms under his legs and puts his hands over my mouth to shut me up. I manage to get my right foot up and planted in his chest to push him off of me. But he come right back before I could go anywhere. In a last ditch effort to get him off of me, I drew back and punched that mofo in the mouth as hard as possible. It was enough to stun the shit out of him so I could get up, then he dragged me into the bedroom. Put me up against the wall, grabbed my hair again and started slamming my head into the wall next to our window. Then he threw me on the floor started ripping my Pjam pants off saying that if I was going to leave, then he was gonna fuck me one last time. About the time he ripped them off.... I pissed all over myself. Fear does funny things to you. The piss must have scared him because he jumped off me. I run into our master bathroom and he come right behind me and locked the door. I flipped out.... I grabbed out towel bar and ripped it off the wall and tried to beat him with it, but he just took it away from me.

Finally..... I just melted. In the floor. I sat crying my eyes out with no pants on smelling like piss. Not sure what made him decide to stop, but at that point, the beating was over. He opened the door and walked out. I saw some pants on the bathroom floor so I promptly put them on. Then run to my kids, who were up in their beds crying their eyes out. I wrapped blankets around them and carried them to my vehicle. As I was walking out the door, I could hear HIM on the phone with the police. Saying I beat him up and I was stealing the kids..... I walked out the door, drove down the road and called the police myself to report the incident. They advised me to go back to the house and wait in my vehicle for them to arrive. I obeyed, they pulled up around the same time as I did. They asked me to sit in my vehicle while they went inside and talked to the him. Now mind you all male cops. They finally come out and ask me to come in - it was pouring outside. So I brought the kids in and put them in the bed.

The cops had me in the dining room and had him in the Master Bedroom. I showed them the text messages leading up to him coming home, told them exactly what happened. I guess since they came as soon as everything was over, I wasn't bruised yet. You know those assholes were more concerned about why I have my outgoing messages set up to automatically delete then they were about the actual messages.? They said they didn't believe what I had told them, that our stories were conflicting. Ya think! Why in the hell would he ever admit to what he just did to me? I stood up and looked that one cop square in the face and said "What if this was your Daughter, or Mother or Sister? Cause you know what? I am someones Mother, and someones Daughter and someones Sister" he never even blinked. Then his mother shows up. That bitch there has her day coming....... She looked at those fucking cops and told them I said a couple weeks ago that I would beat myself up to get him in trouble. I looked her square in the eye and told her TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE. Then those fucking cops, escorted me out of my own home. I ask for medical treatment because of where he had slammed my head soo many times, you know what they said? Why didn't you ask for that earlier? Sorry about your luck. WHAT?????? Gee let me think why I didn't ask earlier? Umm... maybe because I was in the middle of the biggest adrenaline rush I have ever had, my main concern was getting my children out of the home and getting to safety.

It gets better....

They place me in the back of the cop car and go inside. The next thing I know, they are escorting HIM out in handcuffs and an officer comes and gets in the car I am in, and starts to drive off. I ask him whats going on. He said we were going to police station. I asked if I was under arrest he said "Oh yeah your under arrest"/ So I replied with, when I was going to be told that? What am I even being charged with? Where are my kids? The only response he had was, I was being charged with assault and his mother was staying with the kids. So they take both of us in separate vehicles to the state police station. They put me in a holding cell. Then after 20 minutes or so, they call me out, mug shot me, fingerprint me, and put me on a bench. Then they take me to see the judge. I get $1,500. SECURED bond. So I can either pay that or go to jail. I didn't have that kind of money, so I called a friend. Luckily they come and bailed me out, but I had to wait for them to come over to the fucking JAIL HOUSE.

Oh yes..... Jail is no fun. I got strip searched and I have to say the lady officer doing so, was on my side 1000% percent. The bruises had started to appear and she was telling the officers to take notes and she took some pictures for me. I sat in a holding cell, in jail clothes, waiting for my people to finish the bail process.

I finally got released, the officers were kind enough to let me know he posted bail, but they were going to hold him another 1.5 hours so I could get some things from the house. Yeah, nows the time to be nice, where was that attitude 4 hours ago. FUCKERS......

I immediately went to the hospital upon being released. They sent in a Domestic Abuse nurse/advisor/awesome person. She come in and interviewed me. She was HIGHLY pissed at the cops for the treatment they give me. Said she was calling their superior and letting them know what happened and that my story was consistent with my injuries. She was awesome, I can't say enough good things about her. The hospital performed a CAT scan and my injuries were listed as, Scalp hematoma and contusions. So I got some meds, and they sent me on my way.

Since then, I have been to court and filed a PFA. Also started the process for custody. I have all the paperwork for filing for divorce, so I can get that ball rolling. I was lucky enough to have secured the rental and the landlord was nice enough to let me move in earlier. So I have been staying there. He has got the kids Tuesday and Thursday, picking them up from Daycare and bringing them back the next morning. Daycare mom has agreed to be our mediator for the time being. Oh yeah, the court issued a no contact order between us. That is difficult. We have kids.
Also, the day after I get a phone call from a female rep from the State Police, just checking in with me. No, those cops got a fucking ass reaming from that nurse and they are covering their asses. But I took the 456454121556 apologies from them and she asked me to fax my hospital report to her and send the pictures to her. I did all the above, and basically they said they would be dropping my charges. YEAH!!!!!! Vindication Bitches!

So Monday we go to court for our charges and to drop the no contact order. I will stay away from him, but we have to talk because of the kids. And I will NEVER be in a situation where he can hurt me again. EVER.

Thank you to all who had the courage to send me a message of hope or support. For those of you who wanted to but just couldn't.... I understand and thank you anyways.

A Thousand Words Thursday

2009-04-23T10:32:00.000-07:00

From this past weekend. I was soooo close to this baby deer I almost peed myself from excitement!

What leaving Your Husband Sometimes Costs You.....

2009-04-21T08:11:00.000-07:00

Yeah... he did that to me..... After being out drinking til 1:30 in the morning and relaizing i was serious about moving out, oh yeah and the fact that he didn't get his way....

The messed up part is... the cops charged us both. I let him beat the hell out of me for... Oh I don't know..... 20 minutes or so until I decided enough was enough and I punched him in the mouth. So since he shed a little blood, I was just as guily. Even though I only hit him once.... Besides, Delaware has NO self defense law.

So ladies.... if you ever get attacked by your SO or husband, don't fight back, just let him kill you or your kids (who were present at the time) because... the last thing you need in a custody battle is to have charges on you, the Mother. Most male cops are women beaters themselves so how do you expect them to charge a man with a crime that they (the cops) commit on a regular basis???

I am really fucking disapointed in the law enforcement officials, my estranged husband and any other person in this world who thinks that it is even remotely OK to hit a woman.

The Process Of Healing

2009-04-17T06:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. At least that's what I keep telling myself. Still no regrets over my decision to break things off.

Now, I don't judge me for the jumbled, incoherent mess I am getting ready to type.. LOL.

The highs and lows associated with all this is driving me crazy. I feel like the Bi-Polar girl who has had her meds taken away by the school bully. One minute I am bawling my eyes out. The next... I'm cold as a frozen pack of steak.

Why the crying? I can try to explain. Knowing my marriage failed. FAILED. I give it 1000%. He probably feels the same way. I know he loves the shit out of me and I can't make myself feel what I need to feel to make it right. This is a do or die time for me. In fact this past year has felt like that.

There has been alot of decisions made and I have no regrets. NONE. I feel like if I don't get out now, it will never happen. I am not "staying for the kids". I don't want to get to the point where I resent and hate him. I want to get out now so we are both at a point where we can be amicable. We have to be amicable... for the kids. It makes me sad to know that he loves me the best he knows how and it's not good enough for me.

After 11 years, I am not the same person as I was at 17. She was a little girl in need of some direction. In need of affection. In need of anything other then what I was getting at the time. 11 years can make LOTS of people change. He has kept me down and prevented me from succeeding in all areas of life - not just career. He failed to realize that, My success, equals his success. All I have wanted was nothing but good for the both of us. He seen it as a way for me to move beyond him, to leave him behind. Soooo not the case.

He openly admitted he was not happy with himself. He has become a hermit. Working every weekend for 11 years and laving your wife at home with the kids all those weekends.... .takes a toll on a person. He has made me the independent person I am today. I think, who the fuck needs a man? I can cook, clean, raise my kids, work 40 hours week - I can pay my own rent. Pay my own bills... and yeah... sex is nice. But I can do that for myself too. LOL. He states he wants to change "For him". I hope he does. I want to see him happy. I want to see him succeed and i wish him all the luck in the world with whatever he does.

Now, his working every weekend HAS to change. I am currently searching for rentals and will be leaving somewhere around May 1st. The kids are coming with me and permanent placement will be with me but the visitation arrangement has been agreed to is as follows: He gets the kids every Tuesday, Thursday and every other weekend. Why am I leaving you ask? Well, the issues with my parents is really fucking with my emotions... They live next door and they watch us and stalk me. Every Saturday morning when I get back from the grocery store, there is shit they have bought sitting on my deck. So when He comes home, he takes it back over there. Also, last Saturday... I got served with visitation papers. My mother thinks the courts will allow her to get visitation with my kids EVERY Saturday from 9-4. NOT FUCKING HAPPENING, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHEAT THE JUDGE SAYS. THEY ARE MY FUCKING KIDS. I DECIDE WHERE THEY GO. PERIOD. OK, that rant is over. Sorry.

But I can not stay at the house. I told Him that even if we were to work things out down the road, I will NEVER move back there. He agreed that after he gets his money right, we will rent the house out. I mean we can get double the mortgage in rent. EASILY. That will help us both out financially. Luckily we have enough furniture to divide so I don't have to get all new, good damn thing cause my ass is broke. B.R.O.K.E. That was another thing.... he had no concept of what saving for the future meant. We have NO savings. Living paycheck to paycheck because he has to buy something for himself, or whatthefuckever. No college saving is started for the kids, no IRA. No Nothing. But... about 3 years ago.. I found $10,000 stuffed in the bottom of his sock drawer... I was livid. Do I think he has a stash somewhere now? Absolutely! Am I ok with that? NOT. Have I searched the house upside down for it? Yuppers!.

We have talked to our daughter and she is ok with us (the kids and I) getting a new house. I also told her that one day mommy and daddy will both probably date other people. Well she started naming people she thought I would like.... LOLOLOL... That was a cute conversation. She made it plain and clear that she does not want me to date anyone with kids... I told her thats not fair, since I have kids. Have I thought about dating? Yes! Do I look forward to it? Yes! That's how over this marriage I am. Have I thought about him touching or being with another woman? Yup. and it eats my guts up. Only because I know what we had a great sexual relationship. I know what he is capable of doing for me in that department, but it's not enough to keep me. Those feelings will dissipate with time. It's inevitable.

Someone I know explained the emotional roller coaster like a rubber band.. You stretch it and stretch it then it feels like it's going to snap back. That would be you pulling away then feeling like coming back to what is familiar, what is easy. I'm not that rubber band. I know I need this change. I am compromising a part of me, losing some of my identity. I can't allow that to happen. I can't continue living this way. Even if in 5 years I end up in a 2 bedroom apartment with just my kids, poor as dirt........ as long as I am genuinely happy, that's all that matters.

Church has helped significantly. I went to the alter for the first time. Cried - more like bawled my eyes out in front of 250+ people. Hugged more people in 10 minutes then I have in 10 years. The amount of love and understanding that comes from there has been overwhelming.

I will blog more later.... Please stay with me peeps!

P.S. - A HUGE HUGE thank you to everyone who has emailed me or commented in previous posts, giving me encouragement and kind words :) THANK YOU

Separation Anxiety

2009-04-01T10:40:00.001-07:00

Splitting up, Taking some time, Getting a breather, Sorting your thoughts, Figuring out who you are, Whatever you call it. It's never good. After spending 10 years together including ALL of your adulthood (so far) and all the "Firsts" you share with someone.... this shit is difficult.

It was my decision.

My decision to "wreck havoc" as my MIL in called it.
My decision to "tear the family apart" as He called it.
My decision to "make myself happy" as I call it.

It has been a couple days and the emotions are still very raw. I cry ALOT. My daughter saw me crying so she started crying.

But the odd part is that, it doesn't feel like I'm grieving. Does that make sense. I think I am more scared of the unknown.

Scared to shut the lights off at the end of the day knowing I have no one there to protect the kids or myself, besides myself.

Scared that I may be happy with my decision.

Scared I may flourish as a person without him.

Scared Scared Scared.

Ok, The Truth This Time....

2009-03-30T11:25:00.000-07:00

Alright blogger peeps.

I can't lie. Although my previous post is what I wish was true.....

My hubbs and I are splitting up. My choice. So I need to think and get myself together before I can blog about something else. I hope all of you understand...

Someone please tell me it gets better....................

M.I.A.

2009-03-25T10:42:00.000-07:00

Sorry everyone for disappearing like that.

Work has been crazy

Kids have been crazy

The weather is breaking

I am enjoying good company

I promise to blog about something with some substance soon!!!!

FLIRTING.....Old Man Style

2009-03-10T09:24:00.000-07:00

I just finished lunch at this wonderful little cafe type place in town. It is really the ONLY cafe type place in this area. Anywho.... the owner and his father work together. The Father is about 60 years old and I noticed there is no wedding ring. The next order was called and this little old lady comes walking up to get her order. There was a bowl of soup on the tray with a lid. As the old man hands the lady the tray she asks him to take the lid off the bowl since her fingers are stiff. He smiled, said yes, then took the tray to her table. He conversed with her for a couple minutes then went back to work. Smiling. Both of them.

MADE.MY.DAY.

Kids Say The Darndest Things

2009-03-10T05:45:00.000-07:00

DD List:
1. "Aunt Sharon, GOD YOUR EARS ARE HUGE!"
2. "Why are your teeth black?" (this was asked to a lady in Food Lion - in the toothbrush isle, the lady told her that is what happens when you don't brush your teeth!)
3. "Daddy, please don't get mad at Mommy, but she said Mr. Principle of my school is handsome." (in my defense - he is)
4. "Mom, why does your butt stick out like that?"
5. "Mommy, you give me chicken skin when you sing." (that is a good thing!)

DS List:
1. "Daddy said I could" (favorite saying even when Daddy doesn't say so)
2. "Peanut Butter and jelly Mom, it's my favorite Mom, I don't like bologna Mom. MOM ARE YOU LISTENING?"
3. "When I turn 7 years old, my Dad is going to pack my lunch and I'm not going to like it."
4. "Go ahead and see what happens." (wow, said to his sister, not me)
5. "Mommy, you are the bestestest!"

Got to Love them!

A Thousand Words Thursday

2009-03-05T05:44:00.001-08:00

There are more than a Thousand words that I would LOVE to shout that are associated with this picture. My puppy did this yesterday, so the scarring is still fresh.

A Little Love Can Make Things Grow

2009-03-04T09:48:00.001-08:00

The veggies are all planted and making their debut this week. Sorry for the poor picture quality, but still haven't got that great offer from Nikon yet.....

What I have planted:

1. Beefsteak Tomatoes

2. Cherry Tomatoes

3. Squash

4. Zucchini

5. Straight 8 Cucumbers

6. Green Beans

7. Sweet Corn

8. Watermelon

Our very own little farmers garden. Total amount spent:

1. Seeds - $5.00 (they were 3 for a dollar)

2. 3- seed starting pot sets (each holds 72) $4.00 each

3. Bag of soil - $3.50

Total: $20.50

Seeds were planted 2/25/2009 and the final picture was taken this morning.

Now it just takes my time and effort to make them edible. We plan on freezing or canning what we can, and the rest is going to be given away or sold. Times are tight, but we will eat!! LOL...

My Work Spouse.... As Promised

2009-02-27T10:03:00.000-08:00

Ok, Ok, this post was promised to Matter of Fact Mommy since we made a deal if she spilled about her work spouse, then so would I, so here it is.

First off - I have to give a HUGE shout out to MoFM for her brazen, honest, fuck it all attitude. I love her blog and I promise you will too if you go and visit. Tell her hi or you might just get the finger ;)

Just kidding (not really)

Anywho..... Oh yeah, Work Spouse. Here's the deal ladies, I work in an office where I am the only female. Yes, the only person carrying estrogen in her body for 40 hours a week in this workplace. I love it. Could not imagine my job with another woman in this office. I think I would feel violated, like if another woman was to walk in your house, cook your dinner, love on your kids and smooch the Hubby... yeah it's like that. Besides, I really don't care for a lot of women (but I love my blogger women:) and being raised in a household where it was pretty much all men, I just know how to communicate with them MUCH BETTER than women.

So there is a total 6 employees here - 5 men and me. All are married and 40 or over. You know I love me some older men :) I respect everyone of them. I respect their spouses. I respect that some cheat on a regular basis (not with me) and I respect that some are sooo far in debt their creditors call here 10 fucking times a day. I do not respect that some like to share the details of their wives with me. Normally I just shut them down. But, through it all, I have found 1 person here that I can relate to. We have this telepathic vibe thing going on. He respects me professionally and personally. Has cheered me on through my anxiety with the exam, through all the shit with my family and just makes me feel good about being me. It makes me look forward coming to work in the mornings and sometimes I text him "good morning sunshine"

Would THE LINE ever be crossed? No. Never. When you work with someone day in and day out, eventually things get said, shit talking gets spoken but at the end of the day, he looks forward to going home to his wife and I look forward to going home to my husband. We live two totally different lifestyles and understand nothing more than a platonic work relationship could come of it.

So there. My work spouse, unearthed and spoken about.

P.S. if there any of you fellows blogger out there that are going through the same thing, let me know in your comments.

Anxiety Attack

2009-02-27T06:12:00.000-08:00

Ever had one? Been with someone who has?

It's fucking horrible.

This past Tuesday I had to take my final State Board Exams.

Monday night I get home, decide I am going to make a chicken and broccoli braid so I get the chicken cooking and everything else rolling. Hubbs and I are chatting in the kitchen. I remind him my exam is the next morning and I have to leave the house at 5:45 a.m. to get there in time.

Then it hits me. OMFG.... THE EXAM IS HERE. REMEMBER LAST TIME? HOLY FUCKING SHIT BATMAN.

I turn around and my puppy is the process of eating the crescent rolls off the pan. HE EAT OUR DINNER.....AGAIN. Having no more crescent rolls and realizing how close I am to taking this test, I crack. CRACK BIG TIME. Start crying and go to the bathroom and lock myself in there for the next 20 minutes. I come out and Hubbs is trying to put together a meal for the kids.

Feeling like shit for letting my emotions get the best of me, I pitch in and try to help with dinner. We sit down and my daughter looks at me and says "Mom I thought you were going to bed. Where have you been?" Having no choice, I decide the truth was the best way to go. "Honey, Mommy was in the bathroom crying and trying to get myself calmed down." Then I start crying again..

I fucking suck.

My nerves were so shot, Hubbs took off work on Tuesday and drove me to my test site. There was no way I could have drove there.

End result? I passed the major portion and failed the State Law portion, so overall I failed. I have to retake the State Law portion and plan to do so within the next week while everything is fresh on my brain.

I. WILL. PASS.

:)

A Thousand Words Thursday

2009-02-26T06:34:00.001-08:00

For more A Thousand Word Thursday go HERE

Happy Birthday!!!

2009-02-23T06:06:00.000-08:00

Well, my BABY BOY is officially of school age. The big "5". I am still in shock that MY BABY is "5". No more diapers, no more midnight feedings, no more baby talk.

Boo.

Now I want another baby.

But that's NOT gonna happen.

I love you little bud! Happy Birthday!

Some Oldies For Ya'll

2009-02-20T10:27:00.000-08:00

I got these from my puter at home and I wanted to share.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Tuesday's Tribute

2009-02-17T06:53:00.000-08:00

Jay & Deb have started this wonderful idea and I have chose to follow.

Since this is my first Tuesday's Tribute, I have to dedicate this one to my Hubbs.

This is man, who decided to love me. ME

It wasn't easy. I was the one pursuing him. He was shy. So shy, I thought he was gay after our first date. The scene? Ocean City, MD. He was 24 and I was....... 17.5 (probably why he was so shy). We walked the boards (with enough distance between us that people were literally walking through us), stopped into Grotto's for some of their NASTY-ASS pizza then we sat on a bench and talked. Watching passer-bys as we chatted, laughing and just enjoying the cool ocean breeze. He drove me home and I remember smiling so much that night that my cheeks hurt. We got to my house and he opened my door, I got out and he give me the coldest, most tight lipped kiss I had ever had.

Thinking I would never see him again, I drove to his house the next day, professed my interest and............. well, lets just say, he's not gay, just cautious.

That was August 1999

January 2000 I moved in with him.

October 2001 our daughter was born.

September 2002 we were married.

February 2004 our son was born.

December 2006 we bought our first home.

Hubbs has been a wonderful teammate. He participated in midnight feedings, being threw up and pissed on, helped me recover from 2 surgeries, buried both of our first and beloved dogs Roxi & Musi, carried my bloody body in his arms after I wrecked his motorcycle in the neighbors yard, stuck up for me numerous times - even when I was wrong, supported my goals and ALWAYS makes sure I know I am loved everyday.

So Hubbs, this Tribute is for you!

Thank you and I love you!

Purse MEME (Or blogger block)

2009-02-13T13:11:00.001-08:00

No tagging this time, I seen Stacie do it and invited us all to share and I'm nice like that so here you go. From top to bottom

#1 - Everything looks pretty normal, Vera Bradley purse - Check.

#2 - Oh Holy Hell.

#3 - The Money Stash and don't think about robbing me I teach takwondo with my weak arm on sick days! LOL.

#4 - The accumulation of our tax documents for this year - nothing important, just floating around in said purse...oh and my Dollar General receipt.

#5 - Stack of current bills that are due, more of the tax papers, wallet, notebook for notes of course, lipstick, a necklace my husband give me, paper clip, keys, pen, some loose change, chamophenik (sp) and that about wraps it up.

Nothing special, just momma stuff.

Your turn, let me in!!!

A Thousand Words Thursday

2009-02-12T07:06:00.001-08:00

For more entries in A THousand Word Thursday - visit Jen over at Cheaper Than Therapy!

Follow Up to Previous Post & Some Other Tidbits....

2009-02-11T08:03:00.000-08:00

First off, a HUGE Thank You to those of you had the balls to comment on my Abuse post. The encouraging words made me emotional and for those of you who didn't, but REALLY wanted too, it's OK I understand. My mind had toyed with idea of posting about the abuse for a while now. I was afraid of judgement, I was afraid of actually verbalizing what I had experienced. I was afraid of re-visiting the pain. Now that it is out there for all to see, I feel SOOO much better. A weight has been lifted in some ways. Did I ever see a therapist? No. I feel I have overcome that situation. The cycle stopped with me. Yes, I spank my kids - with my hand and only when needed. I know the limits. No belts that's for sure. The cycle still continues with my brothers. Well, my brother (one does not have children yet), he is a verbal and emotional abuser to his oldest daughter and yes, she is in therapy and is old enough to say she doesn't want to go visit him and her mother has stopped making her go. If posting about the abuse helps ONE person, then I will be happy. Whether it is helping a victim overcome or a perpetrator realize what they are doing to their child.

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This whole Sulman Octo-babies thing has me in a tizzy. The mother is.... special.... you know.... the motor is running but no one's behind the wheel. She does not deserve to keep her kids, she does not deserve to get all the publicity she is getting and she FOR DAMN SURE does not deserve a free ride. Nuff said........

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This whole PTO thing has turned out to be a wonderful, surprisingly fulfilling thing for me. All the effort I have put forth has been commended and appreciated. So in my eyes, it is all worth it.

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I finally scheduled my FINAL Real Estate Exam for February 24th. The State boards. The doc is prescribing me Zoloft for my anxiety - during the test. Charge me for performance enhancers - I don't care. All I know is, if I do not have that drug, I will more than likely have a MAJOR and very PUBLIC anxiety attack. Something I would rather not experience. So.... wish me luck!

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My baby boy will be turning 5 on the 23rd. 5 YEARS OLD. My BABY will be starting Kindergarten this fall :( No more babies.. He wants a motorcycle themed party at the local bowling alley. He asked and therefore will receive!

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Go-Kart Season is among us. My daughter will be back racing and my son had got his first go-kart. Worried? ABSOLUTELY!! There are tons of safety equipment used and yes, something can still happen, but if they were to play baseball, they could fall and break a leg or am arm, so take your pick.

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I LOVE all my cyberpeeps. One has me worried though. Two Date Diva is missing....... She was my first fellow bloggers I found and she has stuck with me since I started, but she has not posted since early December????? I sent a message and I have heard nothing.

Was It Abuse?

2009-02-09T07:53:00.000-08:00

After reading Miss Brit blog and her post about Spanking it got me thinking.

I was abused.

I really was. Not just "spanked" but A.B.U.S.E.D.

Sometimes in life we experience things and wonder if we can/will/should talk/blog about them. I never really wanted to talk/blog about my ABUSE as a child because I just brushed it off so to speak. But in reality, I never "brushed it off", I never "overcome" it, I just pushed it to the back of my brain and tried to pretend it was alright.

It's not alright and for me to put it in writing says ALOT right now.

Most of you know I no longer associate with my parents and siblings. Most of you know why. Although, most of you do not agree with me, nor understand my position and therefore judge me as "weird" or an "abandon er".

Let me fill you in on some things.

My parents had a belt they named "The Garrison". It was a black, old leather belt with a silver buckle on it. It had been creased in half for so long, the crease was cracked and in terrible shape. This was my parents form of discipline. The arrangement my parents had when it come to us kids was my father would "take care" of the boys and my mom would "take care" of me. My Dad would either use "The Garrison" or straight up have an all out fist fight with my brothers and my mom... well she just bitch slapped the fuck out of me or used "The Garrison". Even at 7,8 years old, I got "The Garrison".

One of the worst memories I have from "The Garrison" was one day I got my ass beat for something with "The Garrison" and as I am laying in my room, on my bed with whelps all over my hands, ass, back where-ever she could hit me in the fit of rage, I was hyperventilating and trying to compose myself when 10- 15 minutes later the door slams open and there is my mother with "The Garrison" in her hand screaming about something I apparently did - my brothers lied and said I did something that I did not do. She beat the fuck out of me AGAIN, over the whelps I already had and was currently trying to recover from. Lets just say it was around mid-afternoon and I never come out of my room the rest of the day. Honestly as I type this post, I REALLY think I just passed out from the pain and lack of breathing associated with the beat down I had just received.

My hands are shaking right now and I keep having to hit "backspace" because my fingers are jumping ahead of me.

We eventually took "The Garrison" and hid it. My parents threatened us if we didn't return it. So we did.

What stopped the beatings? One summer when I was about 14 or so, my parents made me go stay with my cousin (the one who I just found out is more than likely my half sister) the whole summer. Well, while I was gone, my Mom did a thorough room cleaning and under my mattress she found my previous school year picture and on the back I wrote a message for my all time favorite teacher it said
"please help me, I am being abused"

I remember writing that. I also remember the look on my mothers face when she told me she found it. I never got hit again. Not by her anyways.

A year later my mom left my dad and left us kids with her. In my teenage rebellus ways, I started hanging with the wrong people, guys that were using me and I ended up getting pregnant at 15.

PREGNANT.AT.15. WOW.

My father got a call from a teacher at the school and she told him what she heard - that HIS 15 year old daughter was pregnant. You know what he told me?

Him: "You are only 8 weeks right"?
Me: "About that, I guess"
Him: "Well 8 weeks is good - when I get home I am whooping your ass real good, you aren't that far along and you WILL have an abortion, so it really doesn't matter if I hurt the baby"
Me: "I AM NOT HAVING AN ABORTION. AND IF YOU TOUCH ME I WILL FUCKING HURT YOU"
Him: "Well we will see about that"

When we got home I started to walk down the hallway to my bedroom and he comes up from behind me and grabs me by the fucking PONYTAIL. My immediate reaction? I reach behind me and start to scratch the hell out of his hands and kicking dents in his shin bones until he releases me.

For all of you wondering right now, YES, they forced the abortion, NO, I did not want to, YES, I am thankful today that I went through with it.

So, was it abuse? Was I wrong for fighting back? Am I wrong for disowning my family?

Thoughts? Tell me, I want to hear them.

Something You HAVE to See!

2009-02-06T09:25:00.000-08:00

This was too precious NOT to pass along to you all. Enjoy

My heart melted......

A Thousand Words Thursday

2009-02-05T08:24:00.001-08:00

For more Participants, go visit Jen

Puff, Puff, Pass

2009-02-04T06:03:00.000-08:00

Michael Phelps.... what a bad boy, you need your ass spanked.

This boy trained his whole life to become what he is now. There were no "girlfriends" or "date nights" or "boys nights out" I bet that. Truly, I bet he went to school, then the pool, then home for some dinner and homework. This is a person who never got to experiment with ANYTHING - hell he's probably still a virgin and now that he has accomplished what all those years of training were for, he can relax and enjoy his life.

I'd hit the bong too if I was in his place.

Hell, I hit the bong in High School - and I inhaled.

I got the munchies and laughed until my stomach hurt at the dumb asses I was with.

But any who.... You know what pisses me off more than anything about this whole "situation"?

For the last 3 days I have not been able to turn the TV or radio on with out hearing
"Michael Phelps hit a bong" Michael Phelps was smoking marijuana out of a bong". How about talking about that shit after 9 pm, you know, when you can talk about sex and cuss and all the other things. My kids are hearing this bullshit every time I turn the damn TV or radio on.

That pisses me off more than anything.

Now they say they might press charges against him???? PLAH----LEESE

Let the boy be a boy...... that's all I'm saying... AND KEEP THAT SHIT OFF THE TV AND RADIO!!!!

Rant over, how do you feel about it???