Ardamar

just some things that have been going on lately...

2008-07-04T12:22:00.000-07:00

So, back on June 20th Laurel made Sarah and i go shopping with her at Bebe. She also made me take pictures of her trying on ridiculous outfits that she thought were sooooo cute. i was like "whatever Laurel, i love you so i'm going to humor you". and THEN she was like "colleen! put the pictures on your blog so everyone can see all the great clothes i bought!" a few days ago she came up to me and said "Dude, colleen, why aren't the pictures up yet??" and i was like "wow, Laurel, chill. i'll get to it." so here they are. sheesh.

i had to pay her $5 to not buy this shirt

these i took a couple of days later, after church at Sharkey's.

party at a friend's last weekend...
Elektra and me...Megan, Edan, Elizabeth, Elektra, Jen, Matt, Mallory, Nick, me, Myles (that's so i don't forget who they are when i look at this someday)

for anyone wondering, no i am not inebriated.

Laurel, Chad, Bobby, Brittany, Laura (i accidentally typed 'Laurel' at first) and Thad all swimming...

pwned!!

after Chad's near-tragic accident this week, dad drew this:

admiring the handiwork...

As of last night at 11:30 i have a new baby cousin, Gwenyth June, 4 lbs 11oz. She is tiny, but healthy...i can't wait to see her!!! Congratulations to Ginger and Joey!

happy 4th

~~~

2008-07-03T14:33:00.000-07:00

At times, i want nothing more than to tackle everything in front of me...to seize opportunity, to overcome listlessness, to prove that my God is sufficient. Usually those days begin with an early rise, a good run, some hours of productivity, quality time with a close friend, a conversation about the Lord, a joyous dinner with my family, feeling like God used me that day.

But what about days where you wake up restless, hot, uncomfortable. I sit frozen in front of my artwork, when i speak i begin to cry, when i try to pray i am overwhelmed with anxiety, and all the while trying to be strong for the people around me who i have come to love so much it hurts. And then everything hurts, my heart, my head, my stomach...i can't eat, sleep, read...a friend calls me, and confides his struggles and i break down...then i feel guilty and pathetic because i want to be there for him, not burden him with my own worries.
I call my mother in desperation. She talks to me and somehow, despite my self, something gets through my muddled head.

The funny thing is, is that what she says to me is pretty much what i had been saying to my friend not 20 minutes before. To let things go, to pray instead of worry, to stop taking on responsibilities that are God's...not mine!

I'm lonely and scared, i said. she told me to try and realize that where i am right now is, for whatever reason, exactly where God wants me. Maybe right now He wants me to be alone, because He is tired of sharing me. Maybe i'm not supposed to run off and forget that i am in need. Maybe i am supposed to feel weak.

Phil spoke a really amazing message on Sunday about how the Lord allows us to come into captivity, to utter helplessness, so we can only rely on Him. Today i read the very familiar verse on 2 Corinthians...

"And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.'"

The greatest material in God's hands is not my strength, it's my weakness.

...right now i'm just praying i can even begin to understand it. It certainly "makes sense"...but i keep trying to take back control. I keep running to rescue people. In spite of the fact that i feel pitifully weak and unable to do anything for anyone, i try to do it anyway...because i just can't bring myself to fully trust in the promises of my Heavenly Father.

I told my friend that his job is to pursue the Lord, to make known his needs to Him, and to wait, even though his situation is becoming more and more unbearable.

And i can't even do it myself!
i guess i keep waiting for the day when it will just "click" and it won't be so hard anymore. but i'm seeing that that is the opposite attitude i need to have.

"...I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

i admit, i have absolutely no idea how to do this.
but i think, in light of this scripture, that is a really good thing. because it's not about what i can do...or cannot do. it's not up to me to "prove my God"...He can do that Himself.

i am seeing people all around me realizing their lack of control over their lives. my sister, Laurel and Chad, Edan, my friend Drea, Bettina, Joey and Ginger...i would go on but i think i would just end up listing every single person i know. :P

aaand i am at the point where i am simply starting to ramble...where my writing has lost it's remnant of structure and randomness takes over. so i'll finish and just ask humbly for your prayers and assure you that you are in mine.

love, colleen

~~~

good and bad news...

2008-07-01T22:16:00.000-07:00

Good news is:

Chad's Alive!!

Bad news:

we need a new window.

definitely never a dull moment around here these days.
there are a lot of people helping out...

Bettina

Laurel

...

Yaaay for fixing up the house for the wedding and all the excitement that goes with it!

~~~

i have a new phone

2008-06-28T16:21:00.000-07:00

so you can call me now :)

yeah i could use a beer.

2008-06-26T19:54:00.001-07:00

at first, i thought it might be kind of cool and freeing to be without a cell phone for a few days.

no.
no no no.

it wouldn't be so bad if i was in pasadena, because at least my family would be there, along with the house phone. but instead i'm in laguna beach, living by myself, without even a land line phone, and no internet access (i have it right now b/c i'm in my studio)...only being able to get in touch with people where there is a hot spot or i can find someone to let me use their phone. aaagh it's terrible! i don't know what i'm going to do tomorrow...someone i know is having a party...how will i co-ordinate anything?? what if no one can find where i am??
i'm feeling physically anxious right now. good grief look what technology had done to me!!

i'm all salty because waves attacked me today. Danny and i went plein air painting on the beach. and i sat on a really big rock and did a stinky little painting that got so wet i couldn't use the oil paint anymore. but it was really lovely. we visited a guy named john who has birds. Danny is kind of in love with parrots and cockatoos. this guy here that he's so involved with is named Harley...

Harley spent years living in an Albertson's truck, so he will randomly spout off on tyrades, saying..."the engine won't start! the truck's not going anywhere!" or "damn pedestrians!" mostly, while Danny and i were with him, he said "sup, bird" and mumbled in gibberish that was so ridiculous, Danny and i doubled in laughter.

then we went painting.

feet

as you know, yesterday i went to the norton simon and then mes amis came over for dinner.

here are alec, liz, tiffany and elizabeth all looking at books over dessert...today is Liz's birthday, and everyone's gathering together or something so i'm going to finish her card and head over in about 15 minutes.

oh sigh
i'm very restless and discontent right now. somebody slap me. no seriously, if you see me freaking beat me up!!! it'll make me feel better!

~~~

new blog

2008-06-25T12:51:00.001-07:00

hey. i started a new blog just for my artwork...

colleen police art works

right now i'm just posting a bunch of old stuff, and will be building up to my newer pieces.

speaking of which, i have a new drawing...i did this while i was watching Caid on monday...

drawing a 2 and-a-half year old is not an easy thing to do. so i tried to do most of it while he was eating. there are some areas i need to refine, darken the hair...it's not a perfect likeness yet...

you can see Caid's little contribution in the lower left hand corner...

it's a lot less horribly hot, i'm going to the Norton Simon with some friends today, then they're coming for dinner. so those are all good things :)

~~~~~

sometimes i amaze even myself

2008-06-23T19:20:00.000-07:00

this afternoon i was working outside hammering and drilling a big ol planter together. i was feeling particularly pleased with my macho-ness, especially when sarah said i looked "tough".
as you know, it has been obscenely hot. so at one point, (as i am wont to do) i got so sweaty i could hardly see what i was doing. so i ran to the pool, kicked off my rainbows and dove fully clothed into the water. it was heavenly. amazing. divine.
i swam a few laps and began thinking "hm. it's a good thing i don't have anything important in my shorts."
it was then, in the middle of the deep-end, that i realized my cell phone was still in my back pocket.
i plunged my hand down into the water, snatched it out and yelled "CRAP!!" and swam back to the shallow end holding it pathetically over my head.

i disassembled it and laid it in the sun, as they tell you to do when you "get your phone wet"...
now when i put it together it makes little crackly noises...and that's about it. :(

so if you try and call me i probably won't answer for a while.

yep. hello, colleen.

~~~~~~~~

just try not to smile

2008-06-22T15:41:00.000-07:00

reacting to the tv...

cheeks

love this one

2008-06-20T03:30:00.001-07:00

i also hate not being able to sleep!!!!!

waiting to be lifted

2008-06-19T22:56:00.000-07:00

i really hate depression. it sucks the joy out of everything.

ha ha.

(no really, i thought that was kind of funny, you know.....cause it goes without saying.........oh nevermind)

but seriously i hate it.

~

2008-06-17T01:40:00.000-07:00

i can't sleep. i'm so tired, but my head is reeling...i'm anxious for so so much. scared, worried, without comfort despite God's promises.
"stubbornly fearful", as i wrote earlier.

my spirit is so burdened...

sometimes it just feels unbearable. because all i can do is lie there. i would write, but it would just be redundant and frustrating. i would run, but it's dark. i would read, but i can't focus. so i pray. which helps more than anything.

oh sigh.

saw iron man tonight (technically last night). it was excellent. gp floyd came with us...he really liked it.

i hope everyone is hanging in there alright.
drop me a line sometime.

love, me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i painted today

2008-06-13T20:45:00.000-07:00

so that's pretty fantastic.

Laurel.

Me.

Dad painting.

Chad at the home-made salad bar

Puppies getting big.

last night i got to see Tiffany Elizabeth and Red, drink some wine, peruse illustration magazines, look at weird things, and watch Harold and Maude...which was excellent (suddenly Wes Anderson makes a little more sense), but totally depressed me.

Tiffany is a bit obsessed with Bud Cort

those two are just unspeakably cute.

~
~
~

i sat on a bench at the beach this evening eating butternut squash soup and watching the sun set. some people were throwing the frisbee around not too far from me. i had to toss it back to them twice. it was beautiful. the air was cool, the colors were amazing. i read a little bit. i'm almost half way through The Count of Monte Cristo. and Amy Carmichael is awesome. (speaking of which, Kallista, i have a book i want to give you. maybe two.)
it was a little lonely, too. nothing like sitting by the shore on a lovely summer evening to make you wish there was someone next to you...

so, here's the low-down. i have decided that my life is out of my hands. i should have done this 25 years ago. i'll probably try to yank it back the moment i wake up in the morning, but it's a start.

i think maybe i'll paint just a little more before i leave. then it's time to PAAAARTY!!!!!
just kidding.
sort of.

;)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

shenanigans

2008-06-12T14:24:00.000-07:00

Laurel and Chad are here, and on Saturday Laura and Thad came over. we got their names mixed up a lot.
my mom got us all to sit down for a while to wire jars (lanterns for the wedding).

and then, to Sarah's dismay, Alec tried to steal Chad from Laurel. and Laura experienced a sudden fascination for stomachs. Laurel and Thad thought it was all well and good.

then they posed for prom pictures. zoom into the second one for some pretty awesome faces...

and no evening is complete without a little telepictionary!

i dare you to try and guess what we are reacting to in these next 4 pictures...

general fun-ness...

~~~~~~~~

fon-DO

2008-06-10T22:19:00.000-07:00

Ariel's graduation dinner at the Melting Pot...

first off, Reid's amazing message to her on her card from the Pikes...

and more photos.

cam and reid are just way too cool for school

the lovely aunties...

so good. amy doesn't look very excited, i know. that's because she knew i was taking her picture. as soon as i put the camera down you should have seen that lobster disappear. so very good.

yes, it's raw. that's because you cook it in the boiling broth. good.

chocolate

chocolate on the quote book

reid & cam

hooraaay

~~~~~~

furry balls

2008-06-09T18:49:00.000-07:00

i'm learning how to paint on photoshop.

this is what i did today...

my art skills finally put to practical use!

~~~~~

3 basic and obvious facts of life

2008-06-06T20:34:00.001-07:00

Sarah makes amazing cake

tea parties are simply marvelous

and water balloons kick ass.

just thought you should know.

~~~~~~~~~~~

number five hundred

2008-06-05T18:46:00.000-07:00

i smell chocolate
i see celtics
there is a cross around my neck
a jingling chain
evening sun
dry hands

sitting for minutes on end
wondering if it was me that made her cry

will i sleep here?

how long do i hold on with everything but my hands?
i see...

i shouldn't be holding on at all.

~~~~~

whoop

2008-06-04T13:00:00.000-07:00

i suppose i'm not too surprised about Obama's victory; i'm strangely numb about it, too. ...
Obama and McCain. it is what it is, i suppose...though i wish i was able to look forward to voting in November. my excitement level can probably be compared to coming home to find that the dog barfed on the carpet.

the sun decided to disappear today.

i hope the Lord tells me what i'm supposed to do with myself really soon.

~~~~~~~~~~~

i knew it

2008-06-04T01:19:00.001-07:00

la premiere framboise de l'ete

2008-06-02T20:20:00.000-07:00

randomness from the last week or so...

my friend Tonya's good-bye party at the Yard House...she went back to Russia on Friday...

saturday..."practicing" for Pip's show...

i haven't taken cloud pictures in a while...

aaand Pip's show. at the El Cid last night...

it's starting to be warm and lovely
the first raspberry of summer...

feet. and my favorite shoes.

Alec and Sarah got home from Texas today...

we ate and shopped at this crazy place in Glendale where they have a trolley, and a big fancy fountain, and just about every kind of shop and venue you can imagine. i didn't even know it existed before today...

at 16:00 there was a water show that was choreographed to Louis Armstrong's "it's a wonderful world".

a few feet away from me a little girl was standing with her dad, was enthralled by the spurting, swirling jets of water. she remained in rapt attention through the whole song, a smile on her glowing little face, the afternoon breeze picking up strands of her hair in a halo around her head...

it made me really happy.

weird thing:
i can't find my ipod, so yesterday i was rifling through the cds in my car and found a blank disk in an unlabeled case. i remembered that one of my friends gave me a mix cd a few weeks ago! so i popped it in...and it is beyond fantastic. problem is, i can't remember who gave it to me. so i'm very frustrated.
"wow colleen!" you're saying..."if that was the pique of my frustrations, i would be so happy!"
and to that, i reply, "well, you're right. unfortunately, it is not the foremost frustration in my life. i have just decided to focus in it instead of, for example...my anxiety about getting a job...and the fact that my knees don't work anymore..."

ok. all jesting aside, the Lord has been really good this week, in the midst of frustration. so i just want to thank Him for that.

oh if only i could just draw people for the rest of my life. sigh.

we'll see...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i forgot!

2008-05-31T18:40:00.000-07:00

Tuesday (the 27th) was the 4-year anniversary of this weblog.
it's weird to think of how much has happened since i started this.
pretty crazy (2004)...and wonderful (2005)...and amazing (2006) too.

dinner sounds good.

~~~~~~

it's been a while

2008-05-30T15:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my friend Tiffany's birthday. After an afternoon with our friends at Disneyland and a dinner at Joe's Crab Shack, we went to a 21:55 showing of "The Fall".

i don't want to say much, because i really knew almost nothing before seeing it.
i will say, however, that i don't remember the last time i was so completely absorbed into a movie. it is unique in expected ways: visually, of course...and unexpected: like the interactions between the two main characters, and the fact that the fantastical elements, though glorious and stunning, do not take themselves too seriously...as you will understand if you see it. and i think it works out beautifully.

anyway that's all. :)

this is just my opinion. i recommend going in with no expectations. Sarah always says i build things up too much.

know what? just...forget i wrote anything.

~~~~~~~~~~~

oakbridge

2008-05-30T14:20:00.000-07:00

better late than never...!
PHOTO ALBUM on facebook

a few of my favorites...

unabomber

it was such a beautiful time, in so many ways.

thank You, Lord

~~~~~~~~~~

~novel thought~

2008-05-26T22:53:00.000-07:00

i really need to stop relying on certain things to happen in order to be happy. i need to stop depending on other people to make me feel worthwhile, because people are faulty. no one has necessarily wronged me...i'm just still so very insecure. i really rediscovered this over the last day or so. and i'm achey.
the Lord was so good at Oakbridge. i hope i can apply even a fraction of His Word to my life. how do i begin to comprehend it...? how do i weave it into places where i still feel so much conflict...

i'm tired right now so that's probably not helping my melancholy.

pictures &c soon...

~~~~~~

auntie robin's wedding...

2008-05-26T16:58:00.000-07:00

well-pleased

new cousins

Reid's "i just tried champagne" face...

jeff, joey and anna sang beautifully

yep