Logan's Cancer Journey

Anniversary of sorts.....

2009-06-11T07:54:00.000-07:00

One year and 5 hours ago today Logan Denton Smith passed away. I dont know if I have not let myself get emotioal about the "date" or just dont feel connected to it the same way others may. Jon and Tammy have been making their way out here from Madison so in a spur of the moment descision Becky decided we should meet them in Yellowstone park. we are currently at Big sky resort in the amazing Gallitan Gateway....just north of the park.

I do remember this day last year quite clearly as I have never really had anyone I was very close to die, and Logan was much more than that!

cheers to Logan....I just try and feel grateful that I was part of his experience.

cancer sucks

Good Ole Sherman

2009-04-13T19:07:00.000-07:00

I had thought to write something last week. We had been reading about the things we were doing last year/same time, the second round of Chemo had started for Logan, Kansas was winning the NCAA basketball tournament, who we were all rooting for.....but after the NFL NY Giants had won the super bowl(Logans favorite team)we were feeling like we had something on our side.

Well, today we took Sherman Logans lovable Saint Bernard to the vet with a limp. After some Xrays it looks like he has bone cancer. We will give him some pain meds and hope to spend another week or so with him. Of the options that we were presented with, such as amputation and radiation...the option of Chemo-therapy was ironic if not spooky because they use the same type(doxorubicin) that was used on Logan. perhaps we tend to reach a bit to find some meaning in it all but I would have to say I agree with Becky when she said "Logan is calling Sherman home" and ill bet he wants him right by his side.

Giving Thanks

2008-11-17T08:48:00.000-08:00

Logan's Cancer Journey
Here we are Thanksgiving day, one year since Logan was diagnosed with an abdominal mass and life flighted to Seattle. I always found it ironic in a serendipitous way that Logan's cancer was discovered at this time of year. I remember it clearly as if it were yesterday. Logan as a human being seemed to evolve or mature as a person more than any of us. I recall the look on his face being loaded into the ambulance that was taking him to the plane that flew him and Becky to Seattle, and it was fearful, confused and worried. Logan was a trooper from the start of his ordeal and only seemed to transcend that description as time went on, and it felt like we were along for the ride. I say that of course in a spiritual sense, but looking into Logan's eyes and talking to him in his last days I saw a maturity of a soul that I may only dream of. And that is indicative of the common denominator of Logan's life here with us embodied.......and that is setting the mark.

I have to , even amidst the sadness be thankful for what I learned from Logan and the inspiration that I have now that I didn't have before to be a different kind of person....a better kind of person. I may have not been able to save him, but I bet he has that grin on his face where ever he may be...knowing that he may have save me. So on this traditional day of givving thanks...in a world that seems to more and more remind us of the problems we face....I give thanks for the oppourtunity I had to walk a few steps in life with Logan Smith

Lynn Montgomery

2008-10-31T10:28:00.000-07:00

Missoula lost a great man this past week. I can only speak from my perspective, and that includes personal experience and local folklore. Lynn , I was told died from a heart attack while ice skating. I met him through Becky and I genuinely liked him and found him very interesting. His personality as I interpret from others was on the eccentric side (probably why I liked him), his professionalism as an OBGYN was stellar. Becky said to me just yesterday..."he was always there for me", and as I vividly recall the day/night Logan first went into the hospital...Lynn was right there....and I can tell you he made a tremendous difference. I will never forget this man....he was a game changer.... may he continue to affect lives for the better where-ever he is !

Very Nice People

2008-10-25T08:13:00.000-07:00

I had just written the last post about people who are special. Another one of these wonderfull humans is Bob Conway, a friend of a friend. We met him in December of 07 when her came by to visit after Logan after the surgey (nephrectomy). What made Bobs visit unique was that he had basically the same cancer that Logan had been diagnosed with...Renal Cell Carcinoma.

IT was trmendously helpful for Logan and us to meet and see someone who was dealing with the same thing. Bob sat with Logan by his bed and asnswered his questions, I was filled with warmth by Bobs kindness and generosity, and still am. Bob passed away on Oct.16 and a memorial was held for him here in Missoula yesterday. The world was certianly a better place with a guy like Bob Conway, I am sure his impact will be felt for generations.

Great People make a great world

2008-10-21T15:45:00.000-07:00

I was reading some depressing stuff that was makin me mad...about Cancer of course and how chemotherapy is basically complete bullcrap that pharma companies make $$$$ from....ok ok before I go off.....so anyhow I was looking at some pictures and thinking(remembering) how some people were so kind and generous...out of no obligation. Jon Brockman is one of these people. He came down to see Logan at the Ronald Mchouse, they kinda played ball, Jon gave Logan some items. It was very very cool, someone in Missoula knew Jon and said somethin to him I guess. What makes Jon a VIP is that he plays Basket ball for the Huskies...we will be rootin for the huskies this year.....we will see if he can prove himself on the court...since in my opinion he has already proven himself in life..

you can read more about Jon here

The journey continues

2008-09-18T17:25:00.000-07:00

I dropped Wyatt and hayden off at football practice, it is a absolutely nice day here. at yesterdays games Becky and I had the company of Jake who was in Logans class, he is such a sweet little guy, he also wrestled with Logan. Jake in his innocent bright way was telling Becky stories about Logan in class and those little precious things he remembered......it really was a golden ....very special.

I am repainting the kitchen ...the old wall paper had to go. I am actually really liking the complex textured multicolored new look ( I was very nervous) perhaps ill add a photo and you may comment . (uhhhmm its not done yet)------------>

What motivated me to write today was seeing in the news something about bogus cancer cures ...of course I had to go read about what the FTC and the FDA are doing now to protect us. Additionally it is a day when another monumental bill came in, It appears to be for the tube feeding and the TPN which was a do-it yourself thing that I basically administered to Logan, I remember they would just give us all this stuff about 60% of we would use. I think This great insurance paid about 10% of the bill...makes you think ....Whats the point of the insurance. Constant battle and it has been just over three months, well im starting to ramble.

I want to add that we recieved some very touching and heart felt letters from some of the nurses who helped care for Logan, I will never forget some of these magnificent human beings who put their heart and soul into their profession. THANK YOU

Im posting a commentary from natural news concerning the FTC and the cancer cure subject, please consider this information in terms of our health care system as we head into this most interesting election season.

Fall brings school and football

2008-09-09T21:17:00.000-07:00

Wyatt and Hayden are busy with both...you can keep up with their exploits at lilgriz or watch some nice video or just look at some action fotos

hope everyone is well

Home Alone

2008-07-13T11:27:00.000-07:00

Well what a past few days.....Wyatt and Hayden are in KC with Bob & Ann, Becky is in Tuscon promoting Haelan to her sister (keep her in your thoughts....sending lots of positive mojo your way Mary)

since Ive been here in Missoula all alone...I decided to organize....(I'm kinda regretting it) boxes and boxes and boxes...etc etc ...you get the picture), I found receipts from 1995 that I had saved....man I used to be organized. I also found lots of pictures, video, and some cash(yippee)....

There was a little movie Logan had made...an animated piece that was cute as heck where he made the sound effects.
I also found things that pertain to Logan like notes he wrote to me before I left for the world series of poker...(a definite tuff read), also a journal he had started in January...where he talks about his teacher..Burreson seeing a mouse in the class. Then the last entry was from March 7th describing the day after they had arrived in Seattle, he describes the pike street market, a bad dinner, a pirate game and ends with..."all in all we had a good nite"

Year of the Tiger

2008-07-03T10:11:00.000-07:00

It has been about 3 weeks since we last posted, we are now home, we have had a memorial type of service for Logan. The event took place on what would have been his 10th birthday, there were lots of people but it all seems a blurr......lots of well intentioned family and friends surrounded us. I have thought about writing something for over a week but nothing really comes to mind that might seem ...Deep or wise or even politically correct, I will just say nothing makes it better...no words....no flowers....no hugs....no nothing except Perhaps time. (ok i just read this and let me clarify that it means sooooo much to me and I know to Becky each loving and caring thought or gesture, it is invaluable, it is just that there is specific part of the loss, guilt , pain that is such a dear reminder of what was and what could have been) We are getting ready to go away for the 4th of july (joy joy...Im not too thrilled) but Hayden and Wyatt will have a blast.

Ive been collecting all the video I have of Logan and consolidating the footage, It has been a rewarding experience, it has helped bring back my vision of how he was prior to the logan I got used to seeing in Seattle. I forgot about some of the unique and fun things we had done together and I am so glad we played around with the old video camera.

I have asked myself, "is this blog over because Logan died" or "Is there anything to gain from writing in it or reading it" the real question that may be more relavant is ....Is there life after death..? (that can be a tricky question) I have some strong thoughts about that ....but I would like to hear what any of you may have to say....dont be shy let it rip !

Logan

2008-06-15T10:10:00.000-07:00

Logan was a big part of are family Logan you know he was always funny even up to the last day.
He loved watching Hayden and I fight over the most retarded things" like we sometimes still do" He was a great brother to have for the about 10 years we had him, he was the least selfish of all of us he could save his money very well, and if he spent some it would usually be on someone else. Logan was was nice and very smart, he so smart he was doing 6th grade math in 3rd grade. He was good at a lot of things from doing math to reading to almost everything educational. Logan was a great brother and we will never forget him he will always be in are hearts. LOVE YOU LOGAN
Wyatt

logan

2008-06-15T09:50:00.000-07:00

Logan was a good brother and he did not deserve this but it happens and in some ways its good that he is dead because he was in so much pain all the time. my mom locked herself in his room at 8:30 PM and is still locked in there. other than that we are all sad how can we not . the house seems so empty without him. but we know logan is all around us and he is pain free playing in heaven. and watching Wyatt and I fighting all the time ( he had great pleasure watching us fight) i still wonder why god wanted him in heaven probably so he can have a einstien in heaven with him( Logan was a genious ) we all loved him so much every time I look at a picture of him i start to cry and say its not fair or come back but we know he wont we will probably be like this for a very long time.

hayden

2008-06-11T20:03:00.000-07:00

My eyeballs hurt, Ellen is reading to Becky and Kris took Hayden,Wyatt and Jackson to a movie. we had dinner here at RMH, Brooks shoe company gave everyone shoes and athletic gear. The people here have been more than heart felt and kind, one young boy named Hunter came up to me, he is very shy, and said that Logan and I were his only friends here and that he is sad about Logan and and feels bad for us.....it was extremely touching and warmed my heart to hear these sweet words from this young man who has his own challenges.

A comment or correction on what I wrote earlier ...rather than change it Ill explain it.....Describing Logans Heart attack in the tub, and I only assume it was the heart. I used the word massive, a dear friend suggested that it could be taken as more violent and horrible than it was. It was sudden and it was not prolonged, he did not linger and suffer in the moment, it was powerful.

I don't think I have ever in my life felt such Love in so many ways that all of you have been expressing. Acquaintances, friends , family all have shared so much in such a genuine way that it makes me feel so proud to have been a part of his life.

Logan's struggle has ended

2008-06-11T15:06:00.000-07:00

Logan passed away this morning at 5.20 am. He chattered all nite about a variety of things then decided to take a bath, we walked him down to the tub, he got in and within 30 seconds after sitting there he had what appeared to be a massive heart attack. He reached out his arms and said "I'm scared mom" she grabbed him and shrieked, I scooped him out of the tub and carried him to his room where he layed in his mothers arms and took his last breath. Becky cried as she remembered how he came into this world in her arms and now he leaves in her arms.

Logan had his pain managed well, his condition deteriorated very fast since the last time I wrote. His mind was still active and cognitive till the end. He spoke of a train and the fog and how it was clearing up....... he told his mother that we don't choose when people go, God does....... he was very happy to have his brothers around.

Becky offered to have an autopsy done, the doctors were thankful and Logan would have wanted that, that they may be able to help another with what he has gone through.

We are back at Ronald Mcdonald house , Becky has been able to get a little rest, we will be ready to go back to Missoula on Friday. In a twist of coincidence an author who wrote a book titled Pennies for penguins was giving a slide show here today and came to get us(not knowing what had just happened)....so we listened....Logan loved those penguins.

Wyatt and Hayden are doing ok , thay had spent the nite with Aunts Ellen and Anne. They all came right over and were able to see Logan and hug him goodbye .

He passed peacefully yet his body had been under such hardship, Logan endured so much and still had hope with us for a miracle.....It is really the most salient part of the last days.....that is, the tremendous amount of courage that Logan showed, truly an inspiration.

Brave Brave Brave

2008-06-10T17:46:00.000-07:00

So much is happening and it is hard to put it into words here on this blog. Logan is surrounded by friends and family, he is not in a good state. His belly is causing a lot of trouble...a lot of discomfort. his breathing is labored and there is pressure on his organs. He is looking forward to his make a wish, and that is a trip to Hawaii, we are scheduled to leave on Thurs. the 12Th. there was a meeting yesterday with almost all the docs and family and Logan for a part of it that dealt with integrating hospice and palliative care into the picture. His pain is being managed very well, and the team here at the hospital is performing an impressive feat.

obviously this is very difficult ....especially for Becky....but as Logan told me in the bath yesterday, he said "she is handling it better than I thought" I said handling what? he replied..."the end". Logan wasn't quitting I think he was acknowledging the fact that he knew he faces great odds at making a complete recovery. His brothers are doing the best they can .....holding on to that chance of a miracle , yet coming to terms with the reality of their brothers struggle.

Logan is a very brave boy and he is comforted in all the love and prayers of all who know him.

Health Insurance ??

2008-06-04T16:04:00.000-07:00

Insurance company Blue cross asks docs to rat on patients ??!!

from LA Times article

"Lynne Randolph, a spokeswoman for the state Department of Managed Health Care, said the agency would review the letter. Blue Cross is fighting a $1-million fine the department imposed in March over alleged systemic problems the agency identified in the way the company rescinds coverage."

Becky has good health insurance from her work for Logan and that is good, BUT with all the stuff they keep sending back that they wont cover it seems like it would be a full time job to battle with the claims people. additionally a person still can lose all that they have even when insured, the benefit is that you have more treatment options within the current medical establishment.

I cant imagine if we would have had to stay in a hotel for all these months....thank you Ronald Mcdonald house. The most important is that Logan gets well and has the best oppourtunity to do so.....

thanks to all of you

I* forgot

2008-06-04T10:28:00.000-07:00

we went to a spa monday , ummelina Logan and i did the steam room with a vishy shower and some salt oil scrubs, we also had a foot rub, Anne Manhart met us there and her and Becky got some other kinda girly thing done. I told logan we were like some high power excecutives and this is how some big deals are made. I was interesting to see this spa , after we went to eat chinese. good times

when we walked back to the car we passed an old man sucking on his glass pipe smoking crack, he asked if I was a cop then started rambling about how he was sick and apologized, I said "obviously " as he scurried off. Logan and Becky where a few steps behind me, logan asked if I knew that guy and asked what he was doing. I told him the man was a downtown icon.

Fur Balls

2008-06-04T10:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Logan was spitting up a lot of mucous, not vomiting ...that didn't happen but the mucous thing was weird. Then all of a sudden he quasi yakked coughed choked up a tennis ball size of mucous. Becky and I looked at each other as if he gave birth to an alien. two scenarios can be at work here the first is that the ascites can be mucous based and cancer can form mucous to protect itself ,so that is the less desirable of the two. second scenario is that the body is detoxifying and is expelling the toxins and junk in an attempt to heal. after a lot of reading and thinking I tend to lean to the detox scenario, yes I want to believe that but it doesn't do any good to ignore reality and blindly believe what I want to.

yes his belly is still big, but we concur that it seems slightly smaller, we haven't measured it but there may be slight progress there. he had developed a rash on his baldish head and that is a little less radiant. he still isn't sleeping well but his mood is good. so no vomiting yesterday, and he woke up a little hungry, these may seem like small things but in our world of small margins they tend to take on larger significance.

mike

Memoriel day weekend

2008-06-01T11:47:00.000-07:00

This memoriel day weekend my blood counts were a little low so I got a blood transfusion my first time I was worried that I would a have bad reaction bad I didn't. ever secne I got the transfusion I have felt much more energetic I'm even using the workout room with my mom everyday we've only missed one day so far I had lots of fun memoral day weekend with adom, aunt carry, matt and haunnah we went and saw Indiana jones it wasn't as good as I thought but it was ok. today I'm feeling good and I hope we do somthing fun today.

odd morning

2008-06-01T11:37:00.000-07:00

ok this may not seem like the biggest thing in the world ...BUT...it certianly is encouraging. Logan woke up asking for food saying he was hungry!!! why is this significant you may ask??...well I cant remember the last time he felt hungry...eating an almond was a stretch for him.

TREATMENT DEVIATION

2008-05-31T09:24:00.000-07:00

yesterday Logan did not get the timserolimus (chemo). his abdomonal distention which can be referred to as ascietes is basically an accumulation of fluid in the spaces between the organs. This can be serious when it disrupts breathing or interferes with other organ function, this does not appear to be the case, in Logan's situation the extra weight and pressure is causing more back pain. what is responsible for this build up, I understand that the docs are unsure of the cause. this fluid build up is what is in question and can infer different things, one of the common side effects of the timserolimus can be fluid build up, another possibility is the progression of the cancer itself, a third possibility that was originally surmised was that his albium level (a blood protein element ) is low and this can lead to fluid not being retained by cells and the result is it seeps into various parts of the body. so when we discussed the issued yesterday, it was determined that his Albium level was low but not low enough to be the sole cause for the build up. additionally the TPN (feeding intravenous) would not cause this, yet would provide the extra amount of fluid. The scenario that is less desirable is that the ascietes is due to the progression of the cancer, the docs wont say this because the only way to know is to test the fluid and that would require drawing fluid via a needle. I asked Fong and he told me he believed50/50, some progression some side effect. so they suggested taking a break from the chemo this week , we will be in Monday for a check up and then more scans next week.

My feelings about all this are that it is not as dire as one may conclude, the reason is that the rapid and sudden nature of build up when we started the TPN is not in line with recent results. although I feel the docs are wary of the cancer causing the buildup, I attribute it to a combination. the cancer Logan has is extremely aggressive yet has been slowed significantly by treatment. so we will monitor his giant belly over the next week and see what happens.

I tried some of the Haelen this morning and WOW it is some wangy tasting stuff, I gave Logan 3 ounces this morning via his tube, it is the only thing I have ever put down his NG tube that did not make him nauseous.

I'm watching the DNC hearing in the Fl. Mich. voting debacle and am wowed by Robert Wexler...that guy can be on my team any time.

it is sunny in Seattle

mike

morning

2008-05-30T11:21:00.000-07:00

we all rested a little better, Logan was a bit nauseas but did not yak...even when I injected the Haelin into his feeding tube and that normally triggered a good throw up session. he had a bit of pain took a dliauded and is currently listening to a rick collingwood meditation mp3. These really help. we will visit the doc today and get the timserolimus, one key aspect of the Haelan is that it complements conventional treatment a person my be recieving.

In the roonald mcdonald house it is a place of hope and it is kinda fun to get to know the other kids and families. the Alaska group is kinda tight knit and one lady gave me some home canned Jalapno salmon. I got accosted by one of the workers here yesterday over my use of a blender....it was a bizaar incident and led to a meeting with a big wig. the woman claimed she was scared for her safety by my response when she asked me about the blender I was using. I was not overly nice nor was I loud or inapropriate in my choice of words, I assume she was taken aback by my direct response when she asked if she was in my was, I replied "yes", anyhow It got handled and I am no longer terrified to use the house blenders....ha ha ha!

I have forgotten I think to thank a company called Massage Envy that had given Logan and I free massages a while back....that was very kind and unexpected.

sorry

2008-05-29T21:57:00.000-07:00

I think Ive been slacking a bit in keeping this updated, I cant say this is a lot of work but I can say it feels like it...not the blog entries....I refer to the entire scope of being here in Seattle. I was mindlessly watching Larry king and several pundits analyze McClellan's book.... I'm thinking "what"? the government may have lied or deceived?...I am so shocked, not at the lying but at these media nit wits...keeping American dumbed down . anyhow that's a bit off topic. So at this moment in time Becky was doing some laundry and Logan was (still is) sleeping . That is good because he hasn't rested well in 3 days. suddenly he started mumbling about a secret...I'm thinking hes dreaming, when he looks right at me ....so I say "what secret?" he says you know where we get our tires filled and if any one really wants to know we can charge them $100K, then he rolled over.

This stands out because we are trying a nutritional supplement named Haelan 951, a fermented soy based product http://www.haelan951.com/ link to their web site. We met with a guy named Joe at the company that happens to be about 20 mile from here. Joe was amazingly warm and genuine, we left the warehouse with a case and we could not wait to get home and begin. The funny thing is Joe told us Logan may have dreams that are different. more about this process later.

The TPN (feeding through his port) has become a less than successful in my opinion, Logan has become immensely distended, imagine a pregnant woman at 8 months. Yes he has gained weight but it is only in his belly, his arms and legs have lost mass, as he weighed in at 85 lbs today. The extra weight has increased pressure and train on his lower back , and as you can imagine sends him into a much higher pain zone....so that is not working. We consulted with the nutritionist and Fong today and agreed to take him off and revisit the issue tomorrow when we get back for our weekly treatment.

as for Logans general state ....lemme put it in a different way, its like watching your favorite team or maybe a fighter in the ring getting beaten when you know that if they can just get to halftime or the end of the period they can regroup and end up winning. so yeah...he is struggling and it is very hard to watch, at the same time it is tremendously inspiring. we continue to have faith and thank all who share in this commitment of love and couragous spirit.

Mike

trip to beach

2008-05-22T15:10:00.000-07:00

About a week ago I went to the beach to stay away from the the hospital and the RMH to have some fun well I did. at first I went on a ferry ride it wasnt very long but it still was fun being of the deck and feeling the wind on my face.when we got off the ferry ride we went to point no point a beach in Kingston. I made some sand castles and played with Wyatt we made New Orleans Hayden left with Michael and he swam to a rock in the water and climbed it. and became the king for the week I tried to pay him not to torture me even though I dont think he was going to. I didnt end up paying and he didnt. When we were leaving we got to go back on the ferry with ice cream. I didnt want one so Michael ate it. we we went back we took a couple of pictures and then we got back in our var and left I hope we can do that again sometime.

warm weather

2008-05-19T14:59:00.000-07:00

Time has gotten very strange and somewhat out of whack, bed times have gotten rythmless, days and weeks seem to have no difference. we wake up exhausted, I may get to sleep at 1 am but then Logan is up going to the bathroom, which involves helping him carry his suit case. or the vomit fest , we now have a nifty bucket next to the bed. then there is the beeping of the alarms that go off periodically, the lipids and the tpn have a much milder yet consistent alarm...as compared to the alarm on the ng tube feeding pump, which is a little more annoying. The weirdest thing is when the sounds become integrated into my dreams. Hayden sleeps next to me most of the time is a little cuddle bug and leg flopper...there is the medley of sleep talking ....although it can be interesting at times it is mostly startling as the kids seem to have intense conversations while dreaming. then there is the other medley of sounds I will omit from identifying, use your imagination (or don't).

One thing I forgot to mention in our multicultural experience was that I witnessed the grandmother of a child nursing her...is that normal???

Becky and Logan got accosted by an angry driver swearing at them profusely while accusing them of hogging all the gas.

finally the last set of scans was not as good of news as we had been originally been told. the tumors did show some growth.

Logan seems stable in all that is going on, he gaining some weight and his spirits are great, he is still in a bit of pain and the nausea seems to ebb and flow. his belly is getting kinda big looking, not fat just distended, but he can still dance as he showed us his sweet moves earlier.