Woman of the Law

the future of this blog

2009-11-24T08:43:00.001-05:00

Well, it's happened. I have been discovered. I think once the anonymity of the blog collides with real life, it's probably time to stop. Maybe it was time anyway. Not sure exactly what I'm going to do from here, but for now Woman of the Law is on pause, and maybe the next time you come here this blog will be gone. We'll see.

Unfortunately we've seen the PD blogging community slowly disappear, so I hope a new generation of PDs finds a way to keep blogging, or be involved with one another, because it's been really great to have conversations with other PDs out in the world. See y'all on the flip side!

where my pd peeps at?

2009-11-20T23:25:00.001-05:00

Today was one of those days that I will look back upon, as being one of the most important days of my career. I have a horrible, terrible case with an innocent client facing life in prison and it feels like I might not sleep for the next few years. Only a real pd knows this misery. Right now I need to huddle up with my public defender community, arms on shoulders, pull our heads together, talk it out, yell it out, scream it out, cry it out, march together, fight together, win together. If I could invite all of you over, we would eat pizza and drink beer and wine and definitely something stronger, whiskey sounds good, and when it was all over I'd feel ok, I'd have a plan, I'd feel stronger having had you here to support me.

new book on why the system sucks

2009-11-13T12:30:00.001-05:00

Has anyone read the book "Ordinary Injustice" by Amy Bach? I'm uncertain whether I'd like to - I already hear enough of what a hack I am. I'm not sure that I disagree with her premise - I guess I'd have to read the book to find out. Any PDs out there going to wade through it?

goings on

2009-11-10T19:41:00.001-05:00

I won but not the way I should have or wanted to. So I didn't feel good about the win, because it didn't feel right, although I think in the end I should have won for the right reasons. There were many reasons I should have won, those just weren't the right ones. How crappy is that? I get a win and can't be happy about it, on principle. But I suppose my opponent now knows a bit what it feels like to be a P.D. - to be on the losing side for the wrong reasons.

I am applying for jobs, more for geographical purposes than anything else. This is a huge deal. I do not feel ready for change, only because I'm scared. I'm afraid that I'll end up without a job somehow, or that I'll feel as though I've made a terrible decision, or that I'm making decisions that bring me no closer to the right path. I am totally and completely afraid. Also, I am dismayed how many people want my law school transcripts or want me to write an essay about what life experiences I have that make me a good public defender. Um, well, I am a public defender. I've been a PD for 4 years. I found that to be very good preparation for being a public defender. I thought it would be easier to make a lateral move - but it's the exact same process, 4 yrs later.

to those about to rock [1L year]

2009-08-30T21:48:00.001-05:00

I noticed a spike in visitors, and noticed that there was a significant number of people searching for advice on being a 1L.

I wrote this over 4 years ago for those entering law school [yikes!] and it's a good thing I wrote it then, because I don't remember what it felt like to be a law student as much anymore.

Good luck to all entering those hallowed halls. Just remember, you're worthy.

on being a public defender

2009-08-27T10:56:00.001-05:00

I have exactly, precisely, $10.92 to last me the next 8 days.

Dear ABA Law Journal

2009-08-26T06:43:00.001-05:00

Thank you for your emails to me as a blawger. It's nice of you to write me things of interest. What I want you to know is that there is very little you do that is of interest to me. Your monthly magazine, your website, all those things are about and geared towards a very specific subset of lawyers; namely, the big firm - corp counsel types. Our profession is so much broader than that, and you perpetuate this narrowing of the profession that begins with law school.

So about this Rebel project you have going on? Thanks for letting me know, I'll be sure to check on it, but I'm already disappointed. Your rebel is a corp counsel who doesn't hire firms if they have a poor track record regarding diversity. That's commendable. It's not rebellious.

Thanks for continuing to marginalize attorneys working in the public interest. Neither you nor my clients see me as a real lawyer.

even the annoying ones

2009-08-25T21:40:00.001-05:00

I just noticed that he wore the same shirt on the past three court dates.

He drives me absolutely insane, but he wore his nice shirt. Because he probably has only one.

He tap dances on my last nerve, but I'm so proud? humbled? pleased? to be his lawyer. I'm glad that something pushed through the barrier of my annoyance and tapped me on the shoulder to remind me that yeah, he's a huge pain in the ass, but he's a human being who has a lot of life battles, and I'm so glad that I could stand by him. Because the prosecutor with the shiny shoes and the judge with his season tickets and the detective with his nice suit and badge will come in, and I get to be the only one privileged enough to fight for the guy with only one nice shirt.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for letting me be your lawyer.

I only have one nice suit.

for those who were PDs but then weren't

2009-08-10T19:34:00.001-05:00

for those who left, or those who left and returned to the profession...

What do you think? What made you leave? How do you feel now that you left? Did it change the role that work plays in your life? And for those who came back... why? And how do you feel about your return?

reflecting on envy

2009-07-22T11:21:00.001-05:00

Sherry at Rhubarb Pie recently wrote about how it felt to learn that someone that you knew once and were in the same place as once is doing something 'important' or 'prestigious', leaving you to wonder, well, what about me? Read her blog entry, I feel as though I'm not properly summarizing her thoughts and am projecting my own a bit.

The exact same thing happened to me last week. I found out that an acquaintance I knew once, who was on the same place as me once, is doing Big Things or at least has a Big Title. It sounds smart, and prestigious, and important. And it made me think, why not me? People around me have said, You could do the same thing! But that is not true. I'm not sure why. And I envy his title of importance, and the respect it commands. I want it.

There are a few things this makes me consider. What is it that I feel as though stands between me and a Big Title? Aside from the fact that I probably don't want it - why do I feel as though I couldn't have it? I can't answer that question, but that's an important question, and I think I need a few good answers. Do I feel as though my socio-economic class (prior and current) limits me? Do I feel as though I'm not in fact as smart as I've led other people to believe I am?

I'm self-aware enough to know that it's important to me that other people think I'm smart. I don't want to be smartER than everyone else. I just want a room full of smart people to think that I'm smart and interesting, too. I'm not athletic or artistic. I think other people find me generally pretty funny but I'm not always very social. My thing has always been grades, and getting good grades. (maybe less so in law school, the great equalizer). There are no grades now. So who am I and what do I use to evaluate myself? Who am I? What am I? Now I'm not smart or important and I regularly wonder in my day to day job, "I went to law school for THIS?"

Now, let's turn back to the fact that most jobs with Big Titles are not jobs that interest me. On paper, the job I have now is the job I want. But there are these wispy intangible things that makes this job not completely fulfilling to me. I don't really want any other job, I just want this job to make me happier. I'm not sure how to do that. I also wonder if perhaps I'm putting too much importance on my job being 100% fulfilling, and that maybe I should be more focused on making my personal life more fulfilling and stop expecting my profession to dictate my life. That goes back to wanting to be smart, I suppose.

My envy has me thinking about these things.

Henry Louis Gates Jr. arrested for yelling in his home

2009-07-21T07:58:00.001-05:00

Gates suspected of breaking into his own house, then arrested for yelling.

The ability of police to escalate situations is just downright commendable. There wasn't a crime committed until the police were present. I'm still unclear what exactly the crime was that occurred when the police arrived. (Certainly the observation, "This is what happens to black men in America", referring to the fact that the police entered Gates's home because they thought he was breaking in TO HIS OWN HOME, is not illegal).

How do I know the police are lying?

1. The second officer doesn't corroborate the first officer's account.

2. No one ever yells, "I'll talk to yo' mama outside!"

just got dumped

2009-07-05T13:33:00.001-05:00

which may be fodder for renewed posting. Still trying to figure it all out.

on being a public defender: you should also be something else

2009-04-07T19:22:00.001-05:00

I've been working hard at trying to value myself through something other than my job. I'm working hard trying not to rely on my job for deriving my sole source of pride or accomplishment. The reason for that is because this job sucks. I am a smart, hard-working, personable attorney. However, no matter how much time or favorable law or civility or hard work I bring to the job, the outcome feels so predestined. I often feel that I could accomplish the same results by caring less, working less, using the law less, being less prepared, and having nothing more than a high school diploma.

My work environment is part of the problem. Because the volume tends to be high in my jurisdiction, there are a lot of prosecutors, a lot of lawyers, a high turnover rate for judges and prosecutors and defense attorneys. I take my professional reputation very seriously, and it's important to me that the people who interact with me can at least respect me if they don't like me. I'd rather they didn't like me, actually, but just respected me. Recently, I've been offended by some judges because I expected that they saw how hard I worked, that I had integrity, that I afforded the court and the proceedings appropriate deference and respect, and that therefore when I needed some leeway (more time to find witnesses, or file a motion, or when I didn't appear on my own cases one day because oh, I WAS OUT SICK ONE DAY THIS ENTIRE YEAR) that this leeway would be granted. Not being the type of attorney to abuse these things, I thought I was owed at least that. Apparently I hold no such regard in the eyes of others.

The law is not often on my side, so when it is, I expect you not to do disingenuous legal gymnastics to avoid ruling in my favor. You can so easily rule against me within the bounds of the law, every single day. Why thwart the law unnecessarily?

I've known this before, but I recently have had to remind myself of this constantly: this job cannot be my life. A job this abusive and demoralizing and sad and illogical cannot be what I base my happiness and self-worth upon. I've invested so much of my life in social justice and social causes that I'm not sure what else I enjoy. I'm reading a lot more now, which is great, and I'm trying to make exercise a non-waivable priority, and I'm getting into music a lot more than I have been in recent years. I've been to two museums, one choral concert, and one play in the past 6 weeks or so. I cook a lot more.

The other thing I can't quite explain is that I would rather that other people in the courthouse didn't know who I really am. With these social networking sites, or just being within close living and working proximity to my adversaries and to judges, I've suddenly realized that I don't want these people anywhere near the real, complete me. I don't go to the bar when I know everyone else is going to be there anymore. I thought at first that maybe knowing each other better would be good, but I don't trust it. I don't trust that these people wouldn't use it to their advantage, or take the opportunity to further estrange us. (Ever had a prosecutor sidle up alongside you and be all, "But you know your clients are all guilty right?" Awesome.) I'm jealously guarding parts of myself from the courthouse, and hoping that doing so will let these parts flourish instead of stomping them out, the way the courthouse has managed to stomp out any incentives for me to be a good lawyer.

if you don't have anything nice to say

2009-04-05T17:37:00.001-05:00

don't say anything at all.

I'll be back.

MLK Day

2009-01-19T11:09:00.001-05:00

I was writing another PD-related post but had to stop and say something else.

I'm watching a special on Dr. King right now in light of the holiday. Dr. King is so incredibly captivating. His voice, his energy, his quiet power is just so incredible - and this is just from watching old video. I can only imagine what it would have been like to be in his presence.

Watching him motivate crowds of young African-American children, young African-American adults, watching these crowds fight for education and racial / economic equality, watching the police attack these crowds of black youth - these images leave me so conflicted. I can't help but think that my job is a symptom of what we've still failed to accomplish of Dr. King's cause. I know how frustrated urban youth are with the police. And yet where is their fight? I feel frustrated that there is no bigger movement to fight this fight. I feel overwhelmed by the burden of fighting this fight as one person, trying to fight it one case at a time. It's like trying to stick fingers and toes in the cracks of a dam. I want my clients to feel empowered to do something about how they are treated by the criminal system. I want my clients to feel empowered to do something about socio-economic stratification that is so glaringly apparent in urban areas. I'm fighting this fight as best I can, both in my job and in my personal life. But why am I fighting? Who am I fighting for? I feel like I'm fighting for a good number of people who want me to fight for them, but aren't interested in fighting for themselves. Occasionally when my clients or their families voice complaints about rampant police lies and misconduct, or racial disparity in criminal consequences, I encourage them to be pro-active, to engage their communities and their political representatives. I tell them that they know better than anyone else who is being victimized and how. I want them to feel like this is something they are capable of changing, to work on changing the dynamic instead of just reacting to it.

I can take a look around a courtroom filled with 100-200 people, and see maybe one white face. I want to take a look at those faces and see a movement like Dr. King did. I fear that the same room of people would be so much more likely to take today and go see the movie Notorious, and who would rather fight for the opportunity to live a lifestyle of a rap star, or of gang violence, or drug money. I fear that rap stars play too prevalent a role as leaders for the communities in which my clients live. It's demoralizing to me, and I want to know where Dr. King's fight went. I want to know what it would take to bring it back. Have we been so successful in creating racial and socio-economic apartheid in our country that we've taken the fight out of those who we oppress? We've been so successful in marginalizing the marginalized?

Tomorrow, our first African-American president will be sworn in. And I hope that in this historic event, where young people are flooding the inauguration just to be a part of President Obama, to just be part of his movement, to be in his presence and to be inspired by him, that this reinvigorates Dr. King's fight. President Obama can empower these communities in a national, cohesive way that no one else has in some time. I'm just a lawyer, I'm not inspiring anyone to action. I'm so excited to see a leader who is capable of empowering communities, to inspire them to action. There can be no better way to follow the celebration of Dr. King's life and legacy than by the inauguration of such an inspiring leader. For racial and socio-economic justice - finally, a leader.

It's been two months already?

2009-01-10T20:02:00.001-05:00

I am shocked, SHOCKED, to discover that I haven't written an entry is more than two months. Has it been that long?

I don't have much to write about specifically, right this second, except I'd like to point out that either the PD blog community is dwindling or I'm not doing a very good job of following it. When I was in law school, and maybe just a baby attorney, I was reading so many PD blogs and one at a time these blogs are going defunct. It makes me feel sad. It felt like a good community to be a part of, even if only virtually.

I guess I'm not really doing such a good job of keeping the community going myself, but I hope to fix that soon enough.

calling all motion writers

2008-10-26T15:56:00.001-05:00

I'm looking for a really good analysis, scientific or legal, that supports why DNA samples are testimonial evidence and thus protected by the Fifth Amendment (unlike blood, or hair, which are physical evidence and thus not implicated by the Fifth Amendment). I cannot possibly do a thorough review of the millions of scientific articles on the endless possibilities of the information we can get from DNA, but I hope to use this information some day to write a motion in limine.

I think it's fun to argue that 40 years of clearly established Fifth Amendment jurisprudence was wrong.

If there are any non-lawyers reading this, how do you feel about the fact that the government has the right to get your fingerprints / blood / hair and use it against you as they see fit? Do you think the government should be able to use your body to prosecute you? Do you think the right against self-incrimination should be involved in that determination at all?

But my dream's not coming true.

2008-10-25T12:45:00.001-05:00

The kid next to me at the coffeeshop said that to his dad. I'd guess the kid is somewhere between 3 and 4. I love listening to a child's thought process. He was so upset that his dream wasn't coming true - when his dad asked what dream he was referring to, he kid said, "My dream of having sea animals." His dad admitted right, it wasn't coming true, but maybe it would someday.

I was sitting at the table, finishing the best latte in the entire city, and my delicious goat cheese and onion quiche, and trying to slowly process the phone call I got from my brother the night before. I was in a cab on the way to a honky tonk dive bar, a few glasses of wine and a few good Gillian Welch songs already in me. My brother got his deployment date. In about a week and a half, he said, he would be in the midst of the most volatile area of Afghanistan. He wanted me to know what arrangements were made. Who the life insurance beneficiaries are. Who has power of attorney. That our mother would be the first one notified, but he was going to try to change it. He wanted it to be me. And if it wasn't, he assured me there would be plenty of money in his account, and could I please make sure to get to my mother within 24 hours. He didn't think she could handle it.

Of course. Of course. I got you. I understand. Consider it done. Absolutely I'll make sure to. I could only respond in calm affirmations. I got this covered, don't worry, I'll make sure it's taken care of. I know he's scared, there's nothing I can do to make it not scary, all I can do is make sure that he knows I've got his back, on this side.

I'm tired. I feel like I take care of a lot of people. Why am I always the one to take care of it? When is someone, anyone, going to start looking after me? Before, it was a decision that my brother made that we selfishly and protectively tried to talk him out of. He was so mad that we all tried to convince him that he was making a terrible decision, joining the military. When he snapped one day on the phone, yelling, "Why can't any of you just appreciate that I'm doing an honorable thing?" all I could say was, "If anything ever happened to you, and we never tried to stop it, we'd never be able to live with ourselves." But he went ahead, and after we couldn't stop him, all we could do is support him 100%. And now this means not just accepting his choice, but taking on responsibility for his choice. His choice means making sure I have some time set aside, if I ever needed to go home on a moment's notice. His choice means I need to take care of my mom, several hours away, while trying to take care of myself. His choice means I have to decide what and when to tell my father, with whom my brother hasn't spoken in years and to whom he still refuses to speak. His choice means that if something happens, I have to keep it together, take care of them, help them, make sure they're ok. That responsibility sucks, and I didn't ask for it.

I'm not saying that I don't want to take care of my family with every ounce of my being. Of course I do. I'm freaking out, though. Why isn't my punkass little brother still living nearby, going to school, or working, or otherwise misbehaving in ways that cause us fits of anxiety? Why couldn't he have decided to move to Thailand or Costa Rica and farm? Couldn't he just have gotten another tattoo or piercing or stupid mechanical toy like a snowmobile? Why did he have to decide to enlist? There's nothing I can do to control this. I can't make sure he's safe, I can't keep him from harm, but I'm supposed to keep it all together on the other end. It's shitty. I hate it.

So now I feel fiercely protective and mindful of my family, mindful of my role to keep them calm and ease their worries, while still trying to cope with that anxiety and worry myself. On top of feeling the weight of hundreds of clients' problems on my shoulders, on top of constant worry and anxiety about my friends' drinking, or unacknowledged depression, or general recklessness; in addition to the regular old lesser worries about getting everything done in a day, not gaining weight, paying bills, or wondering if I'll ever be married and so desperately wanting kids. I wish someone was making a phone call to say, Please look after her. I don't know if she can make it through this one alone.

But I'm not really alone. I have friends and family who love me, and we'll get through it together. We'll work out our worry and our anxiety together, we'll look out for him the best ways we can, and we'll look out for each other too. I love you, little bro, make sure you take care of yourself and be safe. You're smart and resourceful and sensitive to others, I have faith these things will carry you back home safely.

The old Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times" rings true. I have lived through interesting times, and I'm hoping to live in less interesting times. Boring family sitcom-type times. I think I've encountered some fairly turbulent decades, and I keep dreaming of a time when I'm cruising at a steady altitude, turbulence free, where I can undig my nails from the armrest, relax my shoulders, and maybe even let my head rest gently against the seat. That's my dream. Not coming true right now, but maybe like the kiddo's sea animals, maybe one day.

best compliment ever.

2008-10-14T21:36:00.001-05:00

"I'm gonna pay you to keep on as my attorney, now that the case is over."

One satisfied customer!

Can I call ya Joe?

2008-10-02T21:34:00.001-05:00

I didn't watch the first Presidential debate. I frankly don't care. I'm watching the VP debates only because I'm hoping Palin speaks in random phrases like she did with Katie Couric. So far she's stringing together sentences pretty well, equally as important sounding but nevertheless empty as any other candidate.

I'm glad Gwen called them on the fact that neither answered her question. They did that more than once in the beginning.

You know what grinds my gears? This silly, hollow "bipartisanship" debate. It's a straw man argument. Gwen Ifill just actually asked them what they'd do about the sudden rise in bipartisanship. I'm sorry - We are in a debate that is by design for two parties only, and for each party to disagree with each other and explain why. We are only permitted two points of view, and we must choose from one of those two points of view based on the decisions made exclusively by the respective political party. The one eventually chosen party is supposed to fall within party lines and if not, that chosen one is not doing what they're chosen to do. Right? A two party system is bipartisan. I hate all this pretending. Let's point to Democrats voting Democrat or Republicans voting Republican and call it a bad thing, while demanding exactly that.

Democrats don't support gay marriage. Huh. Guess there's no choosing candidates on that issue. If gay marriage was your issue, who are you voting for this year?

I love when Joe Biden speaks in the third person. It tickles me. No one loves the third person more than Woman of the Law.

Sorry, I was facebooking during the foreign policy part. Which was a big part of it, I know. But it's like the Charlie Brown teacher voice to me. Whow whow whow whow....

Say it ain't so Joe...? Holy moly.

We need STANDARDS but flexibility in standards for No Child Left Behind. Yes yes. Flexible standards. Excellent.

Sorry, I think Palin is durn cute. She did well. Not just "did well, considering she's an idiot." I am appalled to think that she is in any way qualified to be VP but I love the splash she's put in this election.

I miss you Hillary.

Ooooh! The Dick Cheney VP question. LOVE IT. GREAT question Gwen Ifill! Biden knocked it out of the park, more in his response than in his initial answer.

I think Ifill just asked what each candidate's Achilles Heel is. I don't think Palin understood the question, because she had the opportunity to say her weakness is her Washington outsider status, and then using that as her strength. Instead, she's just babbling again about her executive experience. mayor, maverick, team, blah blah blah. *shudder*

O.M.G. Biden just teared up. So did I. About 5 seconds before he choked up I was already there.

Anyway. No one answered the Achilles Heel question. I think a Moot Court board or an appellate court or the like should do these debates. ANSWER THE QUESTION, CLAIRE. That's a Breakfast Club reference. Wink. Thanks, I know, I'm pop culture brilliant. My Achilles Heel? I'm a lazy mofo. LAY-ZEEEEEEE. (That's not to say I don't do my work well - I do - but I structure myself in such a way to do so. In my personal life, I have to remember to do the same, otherwise I'd never pay bills or clean the house or return my library books.) Thanks for asking, Gwen.

Wait. What's the question now? It's not on the bottom of the screen.

Oh! There it is. Did you have to change your mind due to changed circumstances? Palin's answer is NO. Liar. Much like the "what promise have you made that you can't keep"? She said 'nothing.' I really respect that Biden had a legitimate answer to each of those questions. That's straight talkin'. Palin? Never been wrong. That's a scary person.

OMFG. Another bipartisan question? Ugh. Ick. Yack. Biden's answer was better than the question.

Palin - the mainstream media is not your problem. I promise. It's a problem for you equally as much as any other public figure. So stop. You're just a whiner.

Closing remarks. Eh. snore.

For me.

2008-09-04T18:12:00.001-05:00

I've priced it. I'm renting an RV for 10 days and traveling the Southwest US. Not sure exactly when, but before Dec 31 2009.

political articles

2008-09-04T07:53:00.001-05:00

His wife, Martha, added: "Alaska is a state very, very close to Russia. That gives her foreign policy experience." I disagree. Does that qualify every governor who borders Canada or Mexico as having "foreign policy experience"? Does that qualify every governor who borders an ocean as having excellent naval defense strategies?

Palin's blue collar lifestyle not so attainable for others, Slate discusses.

Timothy Noah of Slate predicts Palin's speech will be great but only because we know nothing else about her.

John Dickerson reacts to Palin's speech. Can you tell I read a lot on Slate?

The NYTimes considers why being Governor of Alaska might actually be different and potentially more qualifying.

The one other thing I disliked about her speech was that I felt as though she spent more time attacking the adversary and not as much time talking about her plans or solutions to problems. I think the Dems did a little better at focusing more on 'what we're going to do' although they did of course include some 'but the Republicans can't get it right' stuff as well.

Palin's speech

2008-09-03T22:26:00.000-05:00

I think she's likeable. I think her speech was good. I think that her speech could very well have rebounded the McCain campaign. I think that her speech makes it clear that Hillary Clinton would have been a better choice for Democratic presidential candidate.

I disagree with Palin on a fair number of specific issues, assuming that what I've read about her political stances is correct. The one conflict I couldn't get around was Palin's repeated accusation that Democrats would increase taxes and create bigger government, government that makes decisions for you - and then in another breath, would promise to advocate for special education (generally a government-administered entity), deride people who would question the importance of civil liberties (they aren't important if they're criminals ie terrorists, government is right don't question it). Plus the decisions that she thinks the government SHOULD be making for you - ie abortion. I appreciate her small-government stance, but I don't know that what she was saying was very small-government, really.

Giuliani makes my skin crawl. Ewww. He is creepy, and I just felt that most of his speech was slimy. When people started chanting "Drill Baby Drill" it really disturbed me. I'm not sure who Giuliani was referring to when he said "THEY say Palin won't have enough time to spend with her children." It wasn't the Democratic party. That's a weird thing to say.

I wondered what the hell McCain was thinking when he selected Palin, but I respect his decision, and I respect him for standing by it.

I can't wait to hear what everyone else is saying.

purging

2008-08-27T18:22:00.001-05:00

It's taken me almost five years, but I am finally parting with my fat clothes. I couldn't ever part with them because of my two strongest anxieties: money and my weight. I was about two sizes larger several years back, but I'm at about my average size now - I'm still not skinny, but I'm maintaining my current weight without too much wrangling, and although I'd love to be two more sizes smaller, it's unlikely. I've had a large box of these clothes that no longer fit for about five years now.

I didn't want to get rid of them because if I did gain weight, I would not be able to afford a new wardrobe. Most of these clothes are nice clothes - actually nicer than most of the clothes in my current rotation. I don't own a lot of clothes, I rotate about the same three or four pairs of capris in the summer, three or four pairs of pants in the winter, and about 10 different t-shirts regardless of the season. But I had all these crappy, pit-stained, superlarge shirts, plus some really nice collared shirts, slacks, skirts, just taking up space that I don't have in my current urban [read: tiny] space I share. I am throwing out three garbage bags of the gross shirts, and I have four garbage bags of clothes to be donated - two to a women's work wardrobe type organization, and two to Goodwill.

Someone wisely pointed out that there's a difference between being broke and poor - I'll always be broke, but I don't ever ever want to be poor again.I still have the anxiety, that if I throw them out I have no safety blanket, I'll have nothing to wear, no way to get new clothing, and I'm just throwing money away. I cling to these things because I can't take those things for granted. I'm always afraid of being poor again.

I wore the same pair of sneakers for an entire year. Every single day. And they were hand-me-downs from a friend. I patched up the crotch of two pairs of my jeans, the only two pairs that really fit, because that's all I had that year, I didn't have any way to replace them, and so I had to make do. Once in eighth grade, our teacher required us to bring two very specific school supplies. They'd cost about $8 total now, but I remember being yelled at, at home, that we didn't have the money for those things, so too bad. I remember being lectured that public school is supposed to be FREE, and since when did we have to provide such things? Then I went to school and got yelled at there, too, in front of the class, for not having those supplies as the teacher required. I remember going on a field trip that included a stop at a food court, and being the only kid who was eating a brown bag lunch in the food court. In high school. Even more embarrassing, one of my teachers came over and insisted on giving me money to buy an ice cream or something. I don't think on these things too often, but those memories and the discomfort and the embarrassment is seared into me, something that may heal but will always leave scars.

My family is almost 10 years removed from that type of poverty, and I'm so happy to see that was a finite period of my family's life, but I'll never be able to shake it off. I will never completely stop worrying about having something appropriate to wear for an occasion, or being able to buy food, or being able to pay all the bills every month. There will always be that chill in my bones that I'll never quite be able to warm. And now that the economy's bad, and I have hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt, I'm paranoid that I'll wake up tomorrow and won't have a job, and won't be able to get one, and won't have any way to pay the bills or put a roof over my head. That gut anxiety never goes away.

Other poor kids know what I mean. You'll always be the poor kid. Even though I went to good schools, and I've managed to traveled a little bit, and I appreciate red wine and a good meal, I don't feel like everyone else when I do it. I feel like an imposter. I don't belong in fancy clothes, or a fancy hotel, or planning fancy vacations. I'll always be the girl wearing her friend's hand me down sneakers. I'll always be the girl wondering how everyone else lives life so easily, when having so many more things now just means anxiety about losing those things. Poor kids are always looking over their shoulder, wondering when life is finally going to catch up and take away the cloak of security that you clutch so hard your knuckles turn white. Poor kids are always worrying about when the time will come to be poor again.

Getting rid of those clothes meant having to trust that even if things go badly, I'll still be pretty ok. Even if I have to get rid of the gym membership and even if I'm eating nothing but rice and pasta and gain back all that weight, I won't go without clothes, or have to visibly sew tattered clothing to keep it together. I'll never completely trust that there is anything at all preventing me from being that poor again, but at least I was able to let a little more of that go.

I'll always love you, Hillary.

2008-08-26T22:14:00.001-05:00

It's been a month. I've been hanging out, relaxing, which isn't always the stuff of blogging. I've taken a lot of time off to do not much at all, which is a refreshing change from taking time off to run all over the place. I've been baking as much as the weather will allow. I've been reading as many issues of The Economist and Real Simple as time will allow.

I waited and waited and waited and finally, Hillary came on to stage at the Democratic National Convention. I somehow managed to not watch any of the Olympics, despite my best intentions, and I haven't managed to be able to read a book, and I didn't even know that the DNC had started until this morning. But once I found out that Hillary was speaking, I glued myself to the TV. I do love Hillary. I don't think I realized how much I am in awe of her ability to be a strong, respected woman in a man's world. I am so moved by her legacy. I love her.

Even though I didn't expect it to happen, and even though I'm not sure it would have been a good idea, I felt put off by the Democratic Party's snub of Hillary, with choice of Joe Biden as VP. I don't know much about him, he seems like a sufficient political candidate. I don't think Hillary should play second fiddle to anyone, and as I said I don't think Hillary as VP is a very good idea. But I think Obama and the Democratic Party owe Hillary, big time. If Hillary was the Democratic Candidate, I'd vote Democrat this year, as I have in every previous election. I feel completely alienated from the Democratic party and national politics, and with Hillary not being the candidate, I'm voting third party, even though Hillary is urging me otherwise. Sorry Hillary.

Hillary, you inspire me. Keep going, sister. Keep going!!