Who Moved My Island ?

Testosterone Challenge Part 4

2009-03-25T08:20:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since the last challenge blog. Sorry about the delay. I'm sure you're no longer waiting on the edge of your seat-you have life-but I'll give you a little closure. That way you can get on with the things you've let go, like showering and taking out the trash, maybe feeding the kids. Our trip to Bristol Mountain to ski was, all in all, delightful. Good conditions,delicious burgers cooked and eaten outside and cooperative children. We did hit just a couple snags which can be attributed solely to YC. One awkward moment occured as I attempted to purchase YC's friend a Children's Age pass. YC's friend is 13 (age cut-off is 12)although he is smaller than average and easily passes for much younger. Now one thing I love about YC is his integrity and another his honesty. Which is why when I need to lie to someone I try to have EC distract him. Sometimes this does not work. This was one of those times. Just as I am telling the ticket girl that the friend is 12, YC comes up and loudly states that said friend has just had his 13th birthday and didn't I remember taking him to the party? I may be blonde but that doesn't make me a complete idiot-I knew the lay of the land. I quietly informed YC that I knew and asked him to wait with the big boys. Okay-first I reached over and covered his mouth as fast as I could and shot him dirty look. I know what you're thinking but when it comes to saving money ($15) I'm not all sweetness and light. I was however feeling guilty and defensive. Perhaps I should've realized that trying to shut him up would hurt his feelings ,but I was caught up in the moment which clearly wasn't one of my finest. Anyway, YC continued to plead his case until I had to yell at him (you bet that made me feel a whole lot less guilty) to go away.
In the end the poor girl gave me the ticket for a child(I really don't know how much she heard in her little booth) I apologized to YC, who waited a while to forgive me since that's what I deserved and we hit the slopes.
We all divided up. EC and his friends, YC and friend and the Husband and I. Things went swimmingly for a couple hours. Then at the top of the lift the operator asked me if I was B--- and told me YC was waiting for me at the bottom of the lift. As a parent that is an awful feeling, but at least I wasn't meeting him in Ski Patrol triage! Husband and I skied down and found him. YC promptly informed us he had lost his friend somewhere on the slopes. Husband stayed at the bottom while YC and I rode up scanning the mountain for his friend. During the course of our ride I tried to find out how long ago he had lost his friend. I figured he got to the bottom and noticed he was missing. But NOOOO- he replies " about 5 runs ago" which equals about 45 mins. Of course I was aghast (not really but I like the word) and immediately inquired as to why it took YC so long to let us know. His reply was very honest(now an appreciated trait)" I was having a good run". I laughed, we found the friend and ended the day all good.

Three Day Testosterone Challenge Part 3

2009-02-25T12:23:00.000-08:00

First about the Donkey! EC was teaching me to copy and paste pics to my blog. For some reason he Googled donkey images to use as an example. I'm going to assume this was not some deviously creative way of calling me an ass. Anyway we both got a chuckle out of it and I've decided to leave him there as my mascot! It looks like birds are building nests on him-I wonder if he's noticed.

Back to our story still in progress:

When we last visited our red-neck Ozark mountain hideaway- oops, I mean our weekend house in the Finger Lakes with our crew of suburban teenagers ,we were enjoying the gentle ping of BBs on aluminium (it sounds even better if you say ah-loo-min-ium like they do in England). The pinging gave way to the roar of the dirtbikes creating a lovely time trial racing vista in the back forty. Hard to believe I wasn't outside soaking up the entertainment isn't it? Actually I was enjoying a new personal ritual called washing two meals worth of dishes for eight people-by hand! Now you can see how easy my choice was shooting/dirtbikes or washing 10,000 dishes. We needed something to eat our next meal off of and I couldn't throw everything away and buy new like my brother's college roomates. I do have a dishwasher -this isn't the Ozarks yo, however due to water leaking beyond our control it was necessary to either pull it out to fix it or disconnect it. Given the looks of the dishwasher and the fact that if we were lucky we would only find bones of past vermin it seemed the safer thing to just disconnect it. Also- both of us shoddied not doing it(shoddy not is teenager for "Dude, I am so not doing that !") By the time I had completed the dishes it was time to feed the masses again-what a rollercoaster!
After dinner,which only had a little bit of food launched about the diningroom (none of it into the fan for a change) The boys continued to come up with new ways to amuse themselves and attract law enforcement. EC decided they should kayak across the river(still partially frozen) and build a fort to sleep in. Personally, 12 degrees is not camping weather in my opinion and the boys(except EC) agreed. EC insisted he would keep a fire going all night. This really underscored the beauty of the plan. The other side of the river is actually private property and I'm sure no one would notice the fire burning and call the police. What a wonderful way to stay out of trouble don't you think? Fortunately, EC was convinced (barely) that a night in a warm bed would be a better plan and went to bed right away because he was pissed at everyone.
Tomorrow-Ski/Boarding at Bristol Mountain !

Donkey!!

2009-02-24T13:08:00.000-08:00

Three Day Testosterone Challenge Part 2

2009-02-24T12:57:00.000-08:00

I know you've been on pins and needles wondering what happened next and to whom it happened. And weirdly enough I thought I typed all that already. I even went back to my posts and there's no sign of it. Maybe I'm dreaming about blogging now!
Anyway, it was MUD and I. I was well into my hibernation cycle when I awoke to feel the bed shaking. There was MUD shoving the lower right corner of our four poster bedframe around with his knee ! I wondered out loud what he was doing and just as he tried to explain himself we hear a snap and the right corner of the mattress drops to the floor! Our bed is close to three feet off the floor(I actually use a stepstool to get in) so this was quite a shock for both of us. I immediately volunteered to sleep on the couch-basically I just wanted to go back to sleep before it actually got light. But no, The Husband proceeded to direct me on how to take the bed apart and I proceeded not to understand what the hell he wanted me to do. Finally in fit of frustration (a legit fit) he tore the other side of the frame off and we dropped to the floor. Since the situation was resolved we threw ourselves back in bed and slept among the ruins until mid morning.
Ah morning! We awoke on the floor (naturally) with the headboard slanting ominously over our heads and the frame sides at eye level . This proved to be the easiest part of the day. The bed was not actually broken and later in the day, with the help of two of EC's friends we were able to put Humpty Dumpty together again. Amazingly there were no snide comments about how the bed fell in the first place-but you could tell they were thinking it ( and that vision undoubtedly rendered them speechless).
While Husband set about fixing the plumbing himself, I set out a lovely breakfast buffet for our guests. Upon waking our guests were dismayed to learn that the plumbing fairies had not appeared while they were sleeping and they still had to chip ice to get water to flush doodies. This did not go over well but since it was a 5 hour ride home and they had no car it was really tough noogies! Water was gotten, doodies were flushed and there was much rejoicing.
While I grocery shopped and The Husband tried to solve our other issues the boys escaped the house and headed for the barn. The barn is full of the "goodies". If you can drive it shoot it or make something to shoot , it's in there! When I got home from the store the dirt bikes were gone,the Trans Am was gone and someone had emptied the recycling bin onto the lawn! I was only gone an hour for crying out loud ! At least The Husband had the Trans Am .
The recycling was not just on the ground, but carefully placed on various pedestals in order to be shot at. Unbeknownst to Husband and I, a BB gun had been smuggled into our tightly packed vehicle (and you wonder how they used to get weapons on planes!). Someone must have been hiding that baby up their butt that's all I have to say!!! We now had two BB guns counting the one that we keep in the barn.
Since MUD was under considerable plumbing stress I am going to try to overlook what happened next. EC was given permission by MUD to purchase, with his own dough, a BB gun at Dicks Sporting Goods. Not sure what the hell had transpired (and why EC had any money left in his bank account) I actually heard myself volunteer to take FOUR teenage boys to purchase a gun ! It was almost an out of body experience-it was clearly an out of my mind experience! I will say the trip to Dick's had it's practical side. The minute we got to Dick's half of us headed to guns and ammo and half to the bathroom, then we switched ( as you may have guessed some people did not want to bring their own flush water up from the river). We left quickly, before the gaseous cloud overtook the entire store. I read in the paper that the place was condemned for unsanitary conditions later in the day. Employees were treated at Auburn Hospital for gas inhalation and released.
I read this of course while listening to the relaxing pitter-patter of BB's hitting aluminum cans and the sound ammo being reloaded-Delightful

Three Day Testosterone Challenge Part 1

2009-02-20T06:57:00.000-08:00

For those of you that don't know-over Valentine's weekend my family went to our house in Central NY. I know -you're thinking, how relaxing , romantic and cozy. And you would've been right except for one thing or rather 6 things we took and 2 we got when we got there.

A week before we left, my beloved signifigant other (who shall be henceforth referred to as MUD) announced to all of EC's friends we were headed to NY and wanted to know who was going. I'm not saying that this was wrong but there were 5 boys sitting there and I hadn't even mentioned it to EC who was out at his ice rink! Also, YC was already taking 1 friend. The car holds 8 if everyone brings only a tooth brush ,deoderant and changes of underwear. Alas it's winter and we were going ski/boarding! After much back and forth we ended up with a car load of 6 boys ages 12-18 , a stuffed rear luggage rack and crap at everyone's feet and on everyone's lap and stuff on the roof ! At least the car battery and BB gun(1) stayed home. Needless to say it was a cozy 5 hour ride up. Actually everyone did quite well although there we're some complains regarding heads blocking the DVD and people leaning on each other. At least no one farted(a huge suprise given the beef jerky and fast food consumption)! MUD even drove the whole way without falling asleep-thanks Red Bull !!!

We arrived not too late at night and the house was still standing and functioning -until we turned on the water. Not like it wasn't expected, but we'd just had a bunch of stuff redone so this wouldn't happen again ! After sopping up the water and telling the boys they had to go out in 12 degree weather, to the (partially frozen) river, chip through the ice and bring back 2 buckets of water so they could flush after pooping (they actually threatened to crap in the neighbors yard to avoid getting buckets of water) we settled in to our beds to await the next days adventure. Some of us didn't need to wait that long!

Huh ?

2009-01-27T10:48:00.000-08:00

Okay,lately I've heard a number of phrases, word choices and bits of information that have left me quite stumped as to what they are trying to say. My friend A. called me on 1/24/09 to tell me that it was the most depressing day of the year-officially speaking. Who decides these things-Hallmark? I mean do you send a card that says "Sending the Very Best Wishes on the Very Worst Day"? If so, this a new low for Hallmark (right after the Hallmark movie channel). Did they figure that people were most depressed this day because more people commited themselves to institutions or ran to the doctor to demand a nice antidepressant. How come the next day isn't equally depressing? It's not like people cheer up over night(unless they really liked the Hallmark card you sent) and the most important question "Why the hell are we paying to discover this idiotic statistic?"Because you can bet there was a government grant large enough to feed all those Sally Struthers kids for a year wasted on it! Go figure!!!
Some things are just a little to vague in what they're trying to say. Imagine my suprise when I got an email from a discount site telling me there was a special on missile launchers that day. Let me say that the first thing I thought was ( I swear!) don't let EC and YC find out about this, although we could use it to get the damn woodpecker off our siding. Immediately after this thought I realized this could not be a real missile launcher because the boys would already have pooled their money and bought one and the cops would've been here forthwith (again). It turned out to be foam missiles but you get my point.
Other things just shouldn't be advertised all. It's weird enough they exist without calling attention to them. One such thing is fish pedicures. Fish do not have feet, so now I'm left with the realization that fish will somehow be involved in my pedicure. First I think maybe they smack my feet with mackerels.Since no one would pay for that I move on. Next I think fish oil foot rubs, but that doesn't seem like something to base a whole salon on. Then it dawns on me! you put your feet into an aquarium and the fish scavenge the dead skin off! Hello PETA? I hope the fish are hearty. It would be just a tad embarrassing to stick your feet in and have the fish all go belly up! Do you have to pay for fish damages? What if the fish aren't hungry? Do you get your money back? How often do they change water, I mean fish do poop you know? What's really bad is that they have banner that says "As seen on The Today Show" and other bastions of important world changing information. Does President Obama actually know how deeply troubled a nation he's actually inherited if this really is a new trend. Kind of puts the whole economic crisis stuff into perpective. People may not have jobs but they can maintain a small aquarium for personal enjoyment and maybe even do fish pedis on the side to feed their families.
There was one other thing but as usual I forgot it-When I remember it I'll let you know.
For now I'm off to the springhouse to make the goldfish earn their keep.

Odds and Ends

2009-01-20T08:37:00.000-08:00

February 22,2009
Oops! Mark this blog FIDU-found in drafts unposted-how blonde of me. Apparently among the many things I forget on a daily basis (kid's names,pet's names,things I'm cooking on the stove) I forgot to post this. So enjoy trying to figure out which blog entry matches which update-bonne chance:

Here are some updates on some of my past rants.

Weather
As usual the local weathermen were wrong again last night. This time in our favor-We got 3" of REAL SNOW !!! Of course, even as it's coming down some idiot doing the weather report says it's tapering off and all roads are just wet and we only got a dusting. Much to EC's delight I felt compelled to do a sweet fishtail on the snow covered road just to celebrate the weathermans error. YC even got 2 hour delay from school! Don't you just love snow?!

Creature Double Feature
The dogs are better finally. Frank the cat threw up this morning but that's just one of several unsavory hobbies he enjoys. Others involve a certain stuffed dog and licking his private parts in public. The Elkhounds in the snow are a joy to behold. They are so cute when they come to door with snow all over their faces and ask to be let in. Actually, they want us to come out so we usually just end up letting the door slam in their faces. If it happens enough we may add a swear word-they don't seem to care.

The Ice Rink
We're still encountering some problems with retaining water although the current cold snap seems to be helping a bit. At least we can light it up like the Washington Monument if we want to look at it at night. EC and his friends have finally found a pond they are actually allowed to skate on so I guess the project is headed for some some alternative use like cranberry bog or really redneck baby pool. The kids want to fence it in and put a goat in it so we can watch it stand on top of it's little hut.Of course my husband suggested a wild boar as alternative. I'm reasonably sure we're not zoned for that little foray into farming!

What I Forgot a Couple Blogs Ago
The billboard on the side of the road advertising FIREWORKS!!! for personal use, celebrations and fund raising. I know I'm sick of my kid coming home from school trying get me to buy that lame wrapping paper and those useless books and magazines. Honestly-give me something I can blow body parts off with and Ill fork over the big bucks. As an aside it could cut down on classroom overcrowding.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
I may have to reconsider some adult comments about a lack of respect from kids these days. I stand by my statements about teenagers-they give what they get, no question about it! But I have to complain about middle school kids on ski trips-if I ever again have to put up with the level of rudeness I saw a couple of Fridays ago I'm gonna start tying kids to ski racks and washing their mouths out with soap. A nice 2 day course on etiquette wouldn't be out of line either. And I am definately not impressed by three kids standing in front of me discussing their drug of choice for making it through the school day! This was especially amazing because one of the faves was cocaine which even if I wanted to get hooked on I couldn't afford! Leading me to assume that, since he was not old enough to get a job, he was using his Christmas and birthday money to feed his habit. Dear Grandma-thanks for the $100. I bought some sweet blow with it and it really helped me to stay awake and score a solid" C "on my Drug and Alchohol Use Test. Love Billy.

By the way in case you're wondering about my drug knowledge I got from YC's health class-they make sure the kids in Middle School know all dope on dope. That way if there's actually a kid who doesn't know anything about how drugs affect you (from the TV, yo!) they can make an informed decision about which one they might enjoy the affects of the most! I'm kidding- JUST SAY NO to drugs!
But I do worry sometimes about all this education about things kids might not know about in the first place at that age. I guess kids get exposed to stuff at younger ages than we adults ever did. It's too bad they're not innocent a little longer.

Who are you People?

2009-01-13T10:51:00.000-08:00

I've noticed something odd whenever I click "next blog"after I read my own blog. It's just a little thing but it sort of makes me wonder. Every blog seems to be foreign. Not just another language but a whole other alphabet! If this had happened only once I probably wouldn't care, but every time? What really intrigues me is the fact that I have no idea what they are saying. What if they are saying things that of concern to National Security and I should be letting someone know?Then again, I suppose the government(or FOX TV) has someone scanning Blogspot for felons,terrorists and anyone with no talent who might decide to get their own reality show. At least I hope they do. I wonder if I should translate my blogs into Mandarin or Arabic that would certainly broaden my readership. On the flip side, I guess if foriegn bloggers hit next Blog they're getting me, which they can't read and may worry that I'm a threat to their national security-HA! The only thing this family has that's threatening is flatulence and the dogs are really the best at that! Since they don't travel,can't read and don't even know what country they are actually in(well they know it's the country wih the food bowl)I think the world is safe.

Creature Double Feature

2009-01-06T04:48:00.000-08:00

First of all, I want you all to know we still have YC. Due to a dearth of activity on his part, unless you count Guitar Hero, Rock Band or Halo as activity, he's been under the radar. He even managed not to fall through the ice at my parent's lake over break (the same could not be said for EC.I wish I had something entertaining to share about him but that would also mean he probably was hurt in some way. That would not be good, so we'll keep him around precisely because he is low key. It gives me enough energy to deal with the wild bunch I usually write about! Be assured however, that the minute he does something blog worthy you all will know about it.

Meanwhile, my latest issue is that the dogs are sick. Of course they are not sick enough to just lay there and stay out of trouble, that would be helpful. It started with Kody. He pretty much sounds like like he's trying to hock up a chicken with the feathers still on it-no measley chicken bone hack for him. This is particularly delightful while he's on the couch next to you or under the table during dinner(he's learned it's a veritable Smorgasbord under YC and the Husband). Then big dog started. Now, they haven't lost one bit of appetite (good for hiding pills) or energy,they just sound like 4 pack a day smokers every time they move anywhere. The middle of the night sounds like a TB ward. Poor YC is afraid because big dog is 9 that he might die (he's such a sweet boy) so he checks on him constantly. He even went downstairs last night because he thought Erie was in trouble(The Husband and I were debating on which one of us would get up-it kept coming up neither!) and he was going to save him. It turned out to be little dog and he was promptly escorted to YC's bed to spend a quiet night-much to everyone's delight,especially Kody's.
It's been a couple of days since I started this post(I know, but dude I don't always live my life purely for the amusement of you people!) and the dogs are getting much better. Now they only sound like they need life support when they are excited-mostly at feeding time. This is a good thing because they don't even notice the big two-tone green pill I stick in the middle of their meal. Considering Erie's favorite all you can eat dessert buffet is the cat pans-0h, I know it's digusting it's not like I'm purposely feeding it to him-Big Dog is very sneaky- you would assume he wouldn't notice a measly pill, but you never know. Now as long as the cats don't start hacking ,because we all know that CATS + PILLS = F-U-N , things may actually return to"normal" around here.
Whatever that is!

The Rink Jinx

2009-01-05T13:03:00.000-08:00

Okay-I didn't even get the damn posting up before we encountered a new issue. This one is not our fault.Mother Nature is not cooperating! We really had an excellent freeze going. EC and crew had used their time alone on Saturday night (we went to the movies) to buy 2 extension cords and enough spotlight wattage to brown out a power grid. It almost makes one yearn for the old days when the kids just threw a party when you went out! At any rate, they proceeded to shimmy up into the trees and place these beacons of brilliance so they would shine directly on the new rink. When we came home at 10 pm it looked like M.Night Shamalan was filming in our backyard and it was a day scene. For once no one called the cops-they probably thought it was a nuclear explosion and ran to their basements! There's so much power when those lights are on that half the the house has to be dark or the fuses will blow. We're even afraid if they leave the lights pointed at the ice too long it will start to melt! All of the above really has nothing to do with the problem except the part about melting,but you must admit it makes for clever narrative. So back to the point, it's WARM today!!! This is the sort of cheap trick Mother Nature(or global warming)keeps playing on us. Every time we get close the weather turns on us. Of course this was guaranteed because EC went out and bought a net, skates(he's trying) and an $80 hockey stick-not to mention the LIGHTS!!!! EC will now drain the water(back into the stream) in attempt to avoid flooding the hill people again if dam bursts. On the bright side, it's supposed to get cold and stay cold next week. As Popeye would say "I's believes it when I sees it". Not great wisdom but then again he married a woman named after something used to fry chicken and was skinny butt ugly to boot!

Happy New Year 2009

2009-01-04T09:59:00.000-08:00

I've decided that I should get back to blogging in the new year. It's not like things have slowed down any in our little world. It just seemed I had too much on my plate to sit down and form a single cohesive thought-Hell , I spent months not even being able to complete a simple sentence! Okay, so I've actually spent years that way but this was the first time anyone (everyone)mentioned it. So now that Christmas is over and New Years is over and "winter"break is almost over I'm going to again begin regaling you with the inane, insane and just plain ridiculous. We've had a number of interesting doings this fall/winter in the yard. You would think that after the dirtbike debaucle I might've learned my lesson (or at least made some money renting out the yard for mud wrestling) but alas, no. When the weather got cold EC( who's on medical leave from school)announced that he had brilliant project in mind. As always I'm very wary of the impact of his ideas on both my wallet and the yard. Signifigant impact on both was no exception this time either. I know -what is it?Did I let him do it? If so ,WHY!!? Okay I give! His idea was to build an ice rink in the backyard! Yes boys and girls, a real ice rink -to play hockey on. Despite the fact that I'm the only one in the house that can skate I said "yes"-no I'm not sure why but I'm guessing that it has to do with the fact that I always wanted one as a kid. Sometimes when I was a kid the front yard flooded and then froze and I would skate on that-kinda desperate but if you have lemons....

Now this is not some kiddy pool filled with ice cubes mind you-this is a 18ft x 36ft ice rink. It involves 4 x 8's, rebar and miles of plastic liner. The slope in the yard(which was way more we thought) was enough to require an amount of wood equal to the concrete used in the Hoover Dam. After multiple trips to Depot and Lowes (try that with 4 teenage boys and no traquilizer darts) and enough cash to fund a third world country's economy for a year, we were ready! Then the trouble began. I wont bore you with the nitty gritty details but suffice it to say that once was not enough. Several different methods were employed to try and build the sides of the rink-then Dad came home and advised them to change their plan again! That was just Day 1. Evenually on December 20th we found ourselves siphoning water out our stream to fill the frame. It was very exciting!!! Especially to my husband who was thrilled that we were using FREE water! We waited impatiently for it freeze-which it did. Then we went on a short vacation.

When we came home it was empty (at least we didn't wash a small village in the foothills away in the disaster) What a disappointment. After several days work and a liner replacement the rink is again full! And almost completely frozen-one more day we hope! I will keep you up to date but at the risk of jinxing ourselves I think we have a winner!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T ?

2008-09-26T07:11:00.000-07:00

This blog may come off a little (just maybe) cranky. Things have been challenging at our house to say the least. It would probably be easier to and less painful to have your wisdom teeth pulled out(no anesthesia) then shoved up your butt and pulled out your ear. There's a pretty picture and a great topic for a U Tube video. I gotta get me a facebook!!!
Anyway, a discussion occured at bible study small group that has been bothering me and I thought I'd let it bug you too(aren't I the generous friend). R-E-S-P-E-C-T . Not the Aretha Franklin tune,it's jammin' though, the attitude. An older woman in the group remarked that kids have no respect for others anymore. A number of other woman agreed and then the dicussion turned to the fact that some schools are teaching Respect as a course in school and how truly awesome this was because the little monsters all just need it soooo bad. Here's my problem with this (you knew I'd get to it) I do not think you teach respect-you earn respect. You can teach manners,tolerance,empathy and thoughtfulness. All these things can be exhibited even though you don't respect someone-it's called self control. But for another person to respect you you must first treat them with manners,thoughtfulness and understanding. This does not mean deciding that a kid whose pants hang off his ass (on purpose) is a disrespectful person and staring at him like he needs to get to some kind of rehab. My guess is if you looked at me the way you're looking at him I'd think about flipping the bird at you too! Of course I could just be hostile. Teachers, same thing, embarrassing a kid ,calling attention to his faults and shortcomings and yelling at him in class will not get you respect-dude, he knows you expect the worst of him and he'll give it to you everytime (unless his self control is better than mine). I spend so much time with teenagers. I ski with them, talk to them and hang with them and with rare exception no matter what they appear to be on the outside they are actually near civilized beings on the inside. If they let you know they were completely civilized you might try to get in on their fun(thus ruining it).I think they don't want you to know their secret so you'll leave them alone but they're really civilized in there-they know how to act and they're pretty much waiting for you to invite them to show you. Even those kids who have (gasp!) 2 working parents! Jeez most of us my age had 2 parents who worked and I'm old! So the next time you people(ooh I love that phrase) want to blanketly decide that kids have no respect I suggest you think about how you are treating them first . Just take a minute and see if you face says "hoodlum"and hope they're not thinking "narrow minder geezer" about you. I bet it makes a difference in how you act and they respond. Go ahead it doesn't hurt too much!
I'm sure not every one will want to take this chance, it's risky you could get dissed(see wikipedia)-thats okay-I have a bunch of fresh new voodoo dolls just waiting to have your face drawn on them.

Where are they ?

2008-09-17T07:59:00.000-07:00

Things are missing.
Everybody loses things-you set them down and forget where you put them. Later you find them in the fridge(keys),the pantry(salad-very wilted salad) or in the couch(mostly the kids stuff & remote controls). These are not the things I'm missing.
And just for reference neither is my mind(shut up all of you!!!).
I'm talking socks and earrings. At one time or another I had 2 of each of these-dude that's why they call it a pair. Suddenly with out warning I only have one. I'm not talking about a couple freakin' pairs separated from their counterparts. I'm talking nearly every time I wear a pair of earrings the next time I go to wear them one is missing.I'm half expecting the mice we're catching under this sink to be wearing my bling when their little lives are so rudely interrupted. Years ago I even had an extra hole put in one ear just because I had tendency for this to happen(no not having mice where my jewelry). This is coming in handy I can now wear 3 completely different earrings since I have no two alike. Not the most stable mainstream fashion statement.
The socks present another problem. I know it's anal but I like to match my socks with my outfit.Go ahead and snicker-you probably only wear white socks you chickens!! I am bold and brave! Missing a sock is not the biggest problem in the winter but in summer you can see them ! I've tried wearing 2 different socks. First I matched 1 to my underwear and one to my outfit. This created an awkward moment when someone pointed out that I had on 2 different socks and wanted to know why. Men seemed to appreciate matching a sock to underwear since they can't match anything-witness black pants /brown belt, not mention assorted plaid on stripe ensembles. Maybe they were just imagining my underwear.Whatever. Women conversely, seemed amused and a little bit concerned I had gone around the bend. Also, being ever practical they wondered- why not just wear white socks? Chickens!
Of course you're thinking," They're at her other house!" Yes, I thought of that-so everytime we go up I make a mental note to look at my socks and jewelry when I get there and see if any singles there match any singles here. Sort of like match dot com for accessories.Hmm there's thought. Anyway once I get there I can't remember what is missing so I bring home anything I have only one of and discover- yippee- I still only have one of them it's just in a different house!
Perhaps the answer is to make a list before I go. However being list impaired is another of my many issues(oh like you don't have any). I would never remember to bring the list with me.
There is hope for me though. Last time we went to NY I lost an entire bag of matching jewelry!
I've decided it's easier to have none than one(this may apply to children and animals as well).
Speaking of animals ,YC says there's a dead vole in the livingroom(Thanks Frank the cat!).I'd better go see if it's wearing one of my gold hoops.

Momentary Lapse of Reason

2008-09-16T06:01:00.000-07:00

THERE ARE DIRTBIKES IN MY YARD !
Those of you who know me also know that I previously stated vehemently(and apparently hipocritically) that this would never,NEVER happen. All dirtbikes were to remain at the NY house. The lovely,rural,ungardened,cow littered NY house. They could only be ridden in a place where it would be tolerated by the neighbors(mostly) and during certain hours of the day.
It started innocently enough-we were invited to go away with A's family to her brother's cabin in the wilderness of Pa. Here we would be able to ride the bikes on 300 acres of prime dirtbike terrain with actual permission(how 'bout the apples?). Alas,due to circumstances beyond my control that trip did not happen. Now, I'm a caring and thoughtful Mom(in between the yelling and beatings) and I could feel their disappointment and sadness and I of course wanted to fix it(DUH!). Now you also know I'm a complete idiot. In addition to the Autobahn of Exton in the front yard we now have the Exton MX dirt track in the backyard. I will say they are learning many wonderful things at the expense of our grass; physics,mechanical engineering,botany,first aid and cinematography. This is the only way to look at it (ok rationalize it!). Actually, it's pretty cool once you get over the fact that there is a mud ring around the entire yard and jumps built out of compost piles. My method of denial is to only look at my gardens when I look out the window( I was never a big fan of grass anyway) . I also think how well tilled it'll be for reseeding later this fall and how I'm not pulling any weeds from the garden path because they've all been yanked out of the ground by nubby tires. And as a special bonus I remind myself that the police have not yet shown up!See it's all good! The dirtbikes will go back to NY in mid October and while I will be greatful for the quiet and the lawn- I will miss them. I will miss bikes flying through the air both with and without boys on them(don't ask-this maybe where the first aid lessons come in). I will miss boys working together to do something they like and sharing their fun with friends who have never biked. And I will especially miss the inventions like the helmet cam-although I suspect the rabbits and whatever that thing was that popped up from under the bridge was, will be relieved(as will our neighbors) that they are no longer being filmed for posting on Facebook, I for one will be sad to see them go.(OH but go they will- I'm not that delusional!!!)

A Bed Full of Change

2008-09-15T07:37:00.000-07:00

Wow! I'll take a deep breath and say it again "WOW!"
It has been a really long time since I've sat down to write. I realized I haven't taken the time to write since before we drove out West. I'd love to be able to regale you all with stories of our near calamities and tell you that this was the trip from H E double hockey sticks(and had hockey sticks been brought along it might have not gone quite the same way) but it wasn't. Aside from the post traumatic stress addled Vietnam Vet(who was clearly medicating with Budweiser) that accused EC of setting off the fireworks in the distance an tried to shove the husband (who was being remarkably calm I might add)in to our fire pit, the trip was fabulous. Sure it had compromises like not using the bathroom for at least 10 hrs after YC had innocently said "I'm going to use the bathroom". This was obviously code for "Call the EPA". How one 12 yr old boy can create one of greatest rolling chemical warfare assaults on earth is beyond me. At least we could roll up our windows and shut the bathroom door(ok we HAD to) the natural world was powerless to stop the assault. I'm sure I saw a grown bison drop into a dead faint! My recommendation is if you have someone like this in your family-and you all do -you know you do- USE THE REST STOPS. Just a little unsolicited advice-you're welcome.
The rest of the summer had it's ups and downs. Somehow the downs began to outweigh the ups. Dude I'm about to go all philosophical on you-those of you who prefer the snarky humorous me should probably stop reading now and wait for my next blog-it's ok I understand.
I have spent the last few months going through the motions. I wasn't miserable(most of the time) but I wasn't happy either. I wasn't angry all the time but I was not calm all the time.In fact I wasn't anything. Oh I looked good,did crossword puzzles,fed my family(alright,I confess,only if they asked directly),made time for myself and others,took fun trips and made people laugh but I there was no real joy behind it. I lost track of my soul somewhere. I thought if I just relaxed enough and shirked enough responsibilities in the name of self contemplation I would snap out of it.My family will be more than happy to point out that I did not. I had become all about my needs while simultaneously telling myself I was too busy taking care of everyone else to make time to enjoy things-I was the glue-responsible for holding everything together.I had become one hell of a multitasker for a selfish person. And apparently pretty damn angry, too. To make a long story short(see I know what your thinking)I was away at a retreat and had an epiphany and needed to make some apologies. Now when I told this to my husband on the phone from the venue there was dead silence. Then he said,"An epiphany? What did I do now? Ok you can have the parenting thing,the house -every thing-It's all yours!" I laughed because ,well I could-I wasn't in a house full banshee children,and informed him (much to his relief and confirmed diagnosis of my manic depressive disorder) it was I who owed ALL of them an apology. I immediately heard the weight on his heart fall away(or maybe it was the peanutbutter jar hitting the floor)and in that moment I felt all of my burden go too. Surely the crap will launch at the fan again and surely I will stumble as I dodge it-missing occasionally and not having any paper towels to clean it up with. But what I learned was that God makes the crap into to compost if you wait long enough and if you have the sense to see it something wonderful can grow out of what used to be crap. There you go!
This morning I was changing YC's bed,not just because it needed it(those of you who know YC know that it did) but because I wanted a symbolic fresh start for him. I did this for all of us. But when I pulled back the covers to take the sheets off his bed it was his full of loose change. A BED FULL OF CHANGE! So today I've chosen to see this as a sign from God, a profound metaphor for the change that needed to happen in my own life( No I did not keep the loot-I put it in his piggy bank- what kind of person do you think I am?). Since I know alot people I care about are also having a hard time right now-clearly no one got the memo about not all going crazy at once-I though I would share my thoughts in case it helped. Remember God is always there knocking we just need to ask him in.

COMING TOMORROW:
Do we really want US NEWS and World Report telling us how to keep the passion alive?
For real people how twisted is that?

Armed and Vacationing-the American Way

2008-05-16T08:46:00.000-07:00

Hi Ya'all-apparently I've been watching too much Paula Dean on the FoodNetwork.
So sorry about my pitiful blogging record. Things have been a bit nuts lately, what with 7 1/2 hrs a week of physical therapy(it's working!), going back to my gardening job and EC's ongoing migraine saga(I'm spending more damn time at the High school than he is!!) I barely have time to clean the house- let alone shower or write my blog. I may almost see the light at the end of the tunnel (all though it's currently obscured by a whole lot of rain) in the form of a much needed vacation at the end of June. For some reason I agreed to load into a camper(a vacation?) with my husband and 2 children and drive around some of our beautiful western states. Until I read Audubon magazine in the allergist's office today I was feeling pretty good about the whole thing. National Parks are safe wholesome place-right? WRONG ! Apparently some senator, along with the NRA has decided that National Parks are no longer safe for "unarmed tourists". Go figure, all the problems in the world and some idiotsenator(maybe this could be a new word like"vainglorious"-I saw in US News-I swear) from Oklahoma decides that someones freakin' rights are being violated because they can't shoot the camper next to them whose playing the theme from 'Deliverance' all night while drinking grain alchohol from the bottle. Can you imagine, since the 1930's we've managed to survive in our National Parks with no weapons other than a barbeque fork and a spouse that snores (this seems to repel more people than the fork). Now the NRA says," Hey,we need to be able to shoot things- just in case". In case what? In case a wild, drug addled crack dealer cruises up in his armored $300,000 RV and tries to take the camper? Dude, he can have it-I'll probably give him the family too depending on how far into the "vacation" we are. Think about this- other than guys who kill for kicks and giggles (found apparently mostly in Oklahoma and on TV ) what reason would anyone have to bother a bunch of people who have barely showered, not shaved and spent all their money on gas for a vehicle that's main claim to fame is you can crap while you roll ?!? We can only hope this bill will not succeed, but just in case, as soon as we pick up the RV we're heading straight to GunsandAmmo-R-Us (a.k.a. the nearest Walmart) to pick up a nice flamethrower. Even if we never have to defend ourselves at least we can have one hell of a barbeque with our trusty fork!

Redneckville

2008-04-28T08:53:00.000-07:00

It's cold and raining and I'm in a crappy ass mood. I'm not quite ready to eat my young but just wait 'til I get back from driving to and from Philadelphia in the rain at rush hour.
EC spent Saturday night at friends house and woke up the next day to go to Maple Grove Raceway to watch the drag races (Hey- it's classier the demolition derby I should know we've been there-twice!). This little field trip to Redneckville was probably inevitable since we've rented a camper to roam the west this summer. Soon he'll be hitting up Nascar and lawn tractor racing. Maybe he'll even start watching the The Fishing Channel. If he buys himself a John Deere trucker hat I'm staging an intervention ! Actually we've always talked about going to the drag races as a family-all that burning rubber and testosterone would be a great bonding experience. You know we're all about cars so stop laughing (now)! EC said he had a great time but now I'm pretty sure we're in big trouble. It was High School Drag Day. I guess parents would rather have their kids on the track than the local industrial strip. As you know we like to have the police involved in our entertainment so this is one probably not something we would have had the brains to orchestrate(Dude, someone has to make sure our taxes are used!). Unfortunately EC noted that one kid had the same Honda Si we have. What a comforting moment when Mr Motor Head announced that our little Si would do a 14.2 sec quarter mile(secretly-I love this!!). I can't wait 'til he gets his license, trips to the store will take about 2 minutes including shopping ! At least we'll keep the police busy.

The Secret

2008-04-23T06:29:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed how important it is for people to say things without actually saying what they really mean? For example: last night I say to Hubby,"If you're so inclined the dishwasher is empty". Of course this means ," Why the hell can't you ever just open the dishwasher and load it !" But because I pointed it out nicely(and probably because I had gone out and bought his adminstrative assistant flowers that day) I achieved the desired end result or so I thought. As is customary, I said "Thanks for doing the dishwasher honey" to which he replied, "You're welcome. I didn't do it all though-I only did the obvious ones." To this I have to wonder-how the freak do you define the obvious dishes? Are they the ones he can see (note:get eye exam) all dirty dishes were carefully stacked (by hubby I might add) in the sink? Are they the ones that look really dirty, can I just put the clean looking ones a back in the cabinet? Perhaps they are the dishes that you don't have to rearrange anything in the machine to fit them in?After some brain swirling contemplation, I came to realize is that the obvious dishes were the ones he got to before he didn't feel like doing anymore. Which was just fine and he could have just said that-of course I could've just said," Why the hell can't you ever just open the dishwasher and load it." But that's not nice and I wouldn't have gotten what I wanted(ever again probably). So here is my advice(you can take it or leave it*): Never say what you really mean unless it's nice-This is the secret to staying married ( that and for us, not wanting to give up any cars in the custody battle) . You only need to say just enough to get the job done.
*-translates loosely to "If you don't like my advice I'll just add you to my voodoo doll collection-that's not sciatica in your left leg,dude!

Happy Earth Day !

2008-04-22T06:04:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the wonderful illustration on Google I can safely (and on time) wish you a Happy Earth Day. I'm thinking Google could make this function really useful if only it were a tad more personalized. Maybe we could enter all our family occasions into a file and every day a picture completely related to our lives would appear. Imagine, caricatures of relatives doing their favorite things like wiping their hands on their pants when they eat barbequed chicken or mouthing the words "you forgot again slacker"to remind you it's their birthday.It doesn't give you any time to get a card in the mail but hell-thats what free hallmark e-cards are for-use them (Dude- there's my Earth Day tip for a better world),attach a box of chocolates if you feel really guilty! On holidays you could customize the drawings to reflect how your family really experiences them. For Christmas, a picture of the 18 foot tree falling over just after decorating(I still say we could've taken a couple more feet),for Easter a basket with nothing but black jelly beans and a chocolate bunny with it's head eaten off(cause we all know that Easter has nothing to do with Jesus,just like Christmas). Thanksgiving for my family could show a melee of xrays and mri's from seasons past and maybe a little bottle of oxycontin. The changing of the seasons could be more interesting too. Instead of the lovely seashore scene with it's little seashells and umbrella they could put something more frequently seen. How about a fat guy wearing nothing but small shorts(you know the one who always looks naked and never looks like Brad Pitt) riding a John Deere mower and chugging a Miller Lite. I guarantee more people equate this image with the start of summer than ever see a day at the beach(think the Mid West,people!). How about for the start of winter a bunch of people keeled over with their snow shovels sticking out of the last pile they tried to pick up before their heart attack(this could double as a health warning) or for city dwellers art work showing moving the lawn chair(or recliner) from the front porch to the parking space in front of their rowhouse(for Philadelphians only). Fall wouldn't even need a picture just a full volume audio of leaf blowers. Spring could feature a box of tissues and several local allergist phone numbers. You could even mark divorce dates and breakups with great little vignettes of your exes being run over by turf mowers or getting re-relationshiped with a chimpanzee. The possibilities are limited only in your own(or my)twisted mind.
So Happy Earth Day and remember -no trees, paper or pens were harmed in the writing of this blog-only the english lanquage was butchered.
As an aside, do you think Google is going to steal this idea and then hit me up for royalties? Hmmmm...

Good Clean Fun

2008-04-19T14:09:00.000-07:00

Good clean fun is the perfect way to cap off a perfect summery spring day. Now in most houses good clean fun involves maybe running thru the sprinkler,a nice game of monopoly or jumping on the trampoline until someone goes flying off and breaks a tooth. But here at the the Exton Home for Wayward Boys we like to kick it up a notch. Well maybe it was a few notches, but it was educational,I swear.
First of all I need say that I never knew that you could buy dry ice at the grocery store. Leave it to teenage boys to know this though. And they know this why? Because you can blow things up with dry ice that's why! It's also why you have to be 18 to buy it so they had to hang around and ask people to buy them dry ice(at least they're not hanging around the liquor store trying to get some idiot to buy them a fifth of rotgut). Had I known just how much fun we would have I'd have gladly gotten it for them!!! Of course,there's the obvious fun,dry ice is a blast because when you put it in water it boils and puts out bubbles that look like pingpong balls. If you put it in your stream it creates a foggy cascade and more bubbles! I put it in my giant urn fountain and it looked like bubble,bubble,toil and trouble-awesome. However, I am off the point slightly,to remind you- you can blow things up with it! And blow things up we did!!! Actually it's very cool(no pun intended) you put some dry ice in a plastic bottle,fill it with water and screw the lid on nice and tight. Then you either throw it or leave it there and run like hell. It is absolutely crucial to take cover or get very far away after this step .If you do it right, pretty soon the plastic bottle starts to expand and crackle. Then if it has a label the label pops off and then it flat out explodes. We are not talking the top blows off,we are talking vaporization (if it goes really well) or at the very least the plastic shards roll up like curling ribbon. The sound is incredibly loud. My neighbors can clearly attest to this because of course someone called the cops( it was only a matter of time). Now granted the noise was alarming but it's amazing what else people will assume is going on. Apparently there was underrage drinking,guns and bombs!!! So as we have set up the last icebomb in a diet tonic bottle our friendly neighborhood officers arrive. Personally I thought we'd met them all but no,here were two new ones! They ask one of the kids-the one hiding in the previously built bamboo structure-what he's doing. Of course like all good teenageres he tells them and then invites them into the yard. Of course he's hiding-we all are-so the officers politely decline(duh).Meanwhile Hubby cranks up the chipper shredder and pretends not to hear or see the police. It's not like they were unexpected-I mean we were clearly having to much educational fun! Finally he decides to talk to them(we know our rights dude!). All this time the bottle has not yet exploded. Now the problem with this is that just because it's been 15 min doesn't mean it won't blow up when you go over to check it. So of course the boys begin to fling things at it (making it even more entertaining). Most of the items miss and the cops continue to stand in the driveway with Hubby discussing the benefits of shooting it with a BB gun. Finally someone throws a log and the thing blows up in a big way. The lid and a curl of plastic is all that's left! The officers are duly impressed and able to confirm that we are indeed gun-free and there are no laws against dry ice and water. They also kindly requested that next time we provide some sort of legitimate crime( I swear!) like snorting cocaine off the center line of the road(not likely-it's the freakin' Exton Autobahn out there,none of the kids have jobs and Hubby would never spend that kind of cash on a non-investment!) or actual underage drinking. Apparently the fact that they spend a lovely afternoon wandering our yard and enjoying educational excitement makes them feel guilty. They are no doubt forbidden to have fun on the job. After inquiring about where to buy dry ice they hightailed it off with smiles on their faces to look for real criminals. Leaving us wondering what the heck we would do for the rest of the afternoon for excitement!

Still on Island Time

2008-04-15T07:56:00.000-07:00

For all of you who were worried-I have not floated away,the island has not gone up in some colossal volcanic eruption and I have not sold out to some bottled water company. I'm still here, muddling through the day to day routine of endlessly dull chores which, when I couldn't do them I wished I could. Now that I can, all I want to do is avoid them(thus I shall begin blogging again). Go figure!

Driving is going surprisingly well. I only occasionally jam on the brakes with my left foot and send loose items ricochetting off the windshield. The potential for flying objects in the cabin keeps the kids on their toes (and under their seats). Helmets would help but where's the fun in that? Actually I'm using all my feet the way they are supposed to be used and I'm thinking of trying the stick shift this week(just when you thought it was safe to go out!).

Thanks to illnesses and migraines(theirs),I've been spending quality time with the children. They are finding out so many new things about their Mom. For instance, YC discovered that I'm secretly mesmerized by belly dancing exercise videos. Maybe you've seen them on FITtv between the Food Network and HGTV. I can't seem to switch channels if one of these programs is on. It could be the music or the outfits
or the unnatural undulation of their bellies. Whatever it is it makes me want to try it(after the knee heals). I cannot tell you how excited this idea made the children. When I told them EC gasped in horror and YC tried to get out of the vehicle while it was moving. So you can see they saw the potential in it. I'm not sure what they think my belly dancing will mean for them. It's not like I'm going to put on some harem pants and a bra with coins and jingle off to do the grocery shopping. Undulating thru the produce aisle is just asking for trouble, what with melons and all. All I need is some old guy asking me if I got my cucumber yet! I did suggest that maybe I could cook a meal or two in my outfit, although bare skin and hot olive oil seems like a bad idea(most of the time). Perhaps they were afraid I might actually belly dance my way across the stage at their high school graduations (my idea)to celebrate the end of free schooling. They should know better, the Husband would never let me celebrate paying for something we used to get free. However, if I charged for my belly dancing appearance hmmm........
I'm not sure taking belly dancing lessons is really in my future but I just love watching the kids faces when I rattle off the multiple ways I could use this skill to mortify them-ah the power! Plus the little finger cymbals would be great for trapping the burgeoning herd of stinkbugs in the house without actually crushing them and stinking the joint up. Such a useful and multipurpose exercise program may be too good to pass up-I'll keep you all posted.

Driving Crazy

2008-04-08T05:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I officially rejoined the wide world of the driving(of course my Dr didn't say I could-but what's a girl to without wheels) and drove myself to physical therapy. I did this because as much as I enjoy having EC cart me about town he has stay every time I go to therapy. This takes 1 1/2 hrs of time which doesn't technically involve him ! I will say that the therapists seem to enjoy having him crutch around,talk about sports (go Sixers, go Flyers, suck it up Phillies)and throw tennis balls around. I kept thinking that some poor rehabber was going be innocently exercising and take a ball to the head,thereby negating all of their prior PT and giving them a whole new ailment to work on! This did not seem to bother any of therapists(odd) though they did draw the line at his playing hockey using my crutches and the tennis ball. At that point they took everything away from him and made him stand in the corner. He actually seemed to enjoy this last form of entertainment. Staring at the wall is very Zen apparently.
After the torture of having my leg folded toward my butt(I'm pretty sure I didn't need this skill before the accident)which was not a Zen experience I still managed to drive myself home.
About my driving.Personally, I would not recommend attempting to drink any type of beverage while I'm driving. The whole braking with the left foot is just a tad unpredictable and could result in flying refreshments at any moment. Also it is a good idea to secure all belongings on the floor as they may shift(or become airborne) while in transit. Seat belts are also a must and I apologize in advance for those pesky strap bruises. My last piece of advice; use those grab handles that's what they are there for-now you know it's not just for driving with teens.
Bolstered by my highly successful trip to rehab I decided to terrorize the mall. When YC got home from school I took him to get new sneakers. You might recall the previous pair were destroyed in the great flood/creek jump. Since he was no longer allowed to come to school in socks, I was given no choice but to provide new footwear. The trip started well. I found a space right up front at the entrance which was closest to the store and successfully maneuvered my crutches to the door.After reteaching YC the fine art of holding the door open(the trick being not to walk thru it before the person you're holding it for does) we ambled(sort of) to Journeys store.
After much deliberation a pair of $60 sneakers was chosen. That was when we discovered the Journey was going to be ours. The very conservative young man with pink and blonde hair informed us that the store for kids with big feet(aka adult size) was at the other side of the mall! This left me wondering whether YC was as strong as he looked and whether he could be utilized as a form of transportation like one of those motorized coolers(minus the beer). The good news was I able to successfully crutch through the mall and only almost tripped once. Luckily YC made me feel so much better about nearly falling when he told me if I had fallen he would've picked me up after he stopped laughing. What a great kid! Thankfully the rest of the excursion was uneventful and involved cookies!
So now you know to keep those eyes open for the for the blonde in the green SUV who's braking like she's got a tremor-just switch lanes(quickly)and go on your merry way. I'll get where I'm going eventually and the roads will will be safe again-if only for the time it takes me to buy milk. Look out WaWa!

2008-04-04T07:55:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited!!! The creme de al creme of catalogs Hammacher Schlemmer has arrived! This catalog is an amazing collection of items to make all of our lives easier and more fun if only we fork over a third of our bank accounts. There are so many things in this catalog that I simply must have!! First I'll order the "Authentic Scottish Chanter". This indispensible item is the precursor to learning to play the most spectacular instrument ever-the bagpipes. I can't wait for it to come. The family is gonna love the haunting echo of the chanter throughout the old homestead. Erie the elkhound would probably stroke out as I opened the box (bad news-I can not sue PECO for his demise if this happens). We never see Coco the cat a.k.a. White Lightning this would guarantee we'd never see her again-she might even stroke out next to Erie.If she did I'd invite you all over so you could see what she actually looks like when she's not leaving the room, maybe I'll even have her stuffed!
Nothing bothers Frank the cat or Kody the other Elkie . Frank would just jump into the box and pop a paw out at Kody every time he passed. By the time I'm done learning(or someone clubs me with a hockey stick) we'll all know how EC feels when he has a migraine. This would be an excellent way to explain to non-migraneurs what a migraine feels like. Oooh- I could record the chanter on a cd and sell for ONLY $.24.99. I'll call it something like "Chanting 'til Your Head Hurts" I could even cross market it as non toxic pest,pet and kid repellant. Thanks Hammacher Schlemmer!
The chanter is of a fun little diversion, but the big gun of my list is the ingenious "14 mph Cooler". What have I done all my life without this item?! For only $500 I can fill a cooler with a case of beer and 8lbs of ice and ride it to the neighbor's party, the bank or really useful-the beer distributor for a refill. Not only that, there's a drink holder between my legs so I don't actually have to stop drinking while I run errands!! More good news it has the handling of a golf cart! Wow, now there's statistic that'll make you feel safer while your reaching into the cooler (through the cup holder) for another cold one on your way to to the beer distributor for a refill . In case you can't picture this splendid vehicle it pretty much resembles a cooler bolted to a 3 wheel scooter.If you want a cushioned seat and backrest that'll be $29.99 (a bargain). Flames, racing stripes and spoilers are available for just bit more(ok, not true but they ought to offer supe-up kits!). Listen up boys and girls-if I'm going to buy a $500 cooler it ought to come with a freakin' seat-I mean you have to be kidding. That's like buying a car and having to pay extra for the steering wheel! The whole thing was a better idea before I saw the seat was extra but why let a little thing like that delay my purchase. I wonder if I need a license and registration for this puppy?
As soon as I get the helmet/radar detector on page 26 look for me to tool over to party (or wrecking in a shrub)near you! Thanks again Hammacher Schlemmer-You Rock!!!!

Back in the Saddle

2008-04-02T08:12:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been away for awhile. It's tough to be snarky when so many people I know are having tough problems to overcome. That said I think I'd better start cheering some people the heck up before all the s**t hitting the fan comes back at them and they forget about the importance of ducking(as opposed to the importance of ducklings,ooh so cute!).

A friend of mine was worried about the selfish reaction that her 13yr old son had to his birthday presents. In a moment of clarity I espoused this little nugget of wisdom which I thought you might all like to hear. Unfortunately I could not come up with way to word this intro without sounding full of myself-I'm really not you know. It's not like I'm Mrs Dr Spock or someone and if you think it's crap ok-I can live with that(I'll just make a voodoo doll of you and poke it full of pins)but here is :

As parents we spend our lives making sure that we teach our children manners,values and caring ,but very minute will not be filled with their doing the right thing or showing the right level of value or appreciation,but when the time comes for them to be tested and you are not around they will rise to the occasion because YOU taught them how.

Of course results may vary and all children may not respond in the same manner. This statement has not been evaluated by the American Association of Pediatric

Psychologists.Any unauthorized twisting this information for private use must be approved by the author(I say go for it).The author of this statement accepts no responsibility for negative outcomes(read-your problem!).

Ponder this piece of sage advice and the attached disclaimer the next time your kid takes an airsoft gun(loaded) and pelts the annoying kid whining about his video game score in your family room (in front of your big screen TV) . Try to remember this act does not mean they are going to grow up and go postal. It means they gave no thought to the act -if they had they'd have put on goggles and moved away from the TV. Yes, this happened at my house and yes, I was home and no, I wasn't on a different floor-I was in the laundryroom and no,nobody was hurt. Possibly the child deserved it but they should've known better- honestly they could've put out an eye or busted the TV! After I explained these possible outcomes they understood and learned(ok they laughed and I took away the airsoft guns) and nothing like that has ever happened again-and no one's gone postal yet.

Cheerier Blog

2008-03-28T08:51:00.000-07:00

I posted a new blog for anybody who wants a chuckle but it's after the " Not the Happy Blog". If you feel like rooting around you'll find it there-Cheers to the weekend !!!