The Diary of a Dessert Lover

My Canada Day

2009-07-02T21:36:00.003-04:00

Canada was yesterday - July 1st. So, yes, I got one day off and it was in the middle of the week. It was still pretty awesome. Better than awesome, I would argue.

Happy Canada Day!!!!

I slept in, and tidied up my apartment. Chatted with LeBlanc on GTalk, and then headed to my parent's house.

LeBlanc and I joke that everytime we go home, we are there to perform manual labour. Which is mostly true. Last weekend I went home, I washed and vaccumed both my car, and my dad's van. This time, I helped weed the flower beds, and mowed the lawn. Front and back.

Joking aside, I really enjoy this stuff. It makes me feel like I'm at home.

As my mom made dinner, I read my book at the front steps.

Back tracking a bit, I've had numerous talks with my girlfriends, and sisters about my dilemma. I guess, on hindsight, what I realize is 2 main things.

1) My parents don't want to see me get hurt.

2) My parents are realizing that myself (and my sisters) are grown up.

With this in mind, I wanted to take a new approach when bringing up this topic. It wasn't so much the trip. Or LeBlanc. Or the sex. It was me growing up. And I needed to be careful, to not hurt my parents. (You were right, Greears!)

I wanted them to know that they have raised me well. If I have kids one day, I only hope to be able to do as good a job of them. They have given my sisters and I so much. But at the same time, they raised us to think for ourselves. To not just accept, but question the world around us. And that's what I am doing. And although we may not see eye to eye on all subjects, I ask that we both still respect one another's decisions. And to trust me. Trust that they raised me well enough to make my own decisions.

After dinner, we had a talk. My dad, my mom, and I. And I'm so grateful and thankful, and lucky that we can communicate so freely. My parents have sure grown up a lot, and have also let us grow up a lot, as well.

My dad said that he has been struggling with thoughts, as to weather letting us to go to university with a work-study program was a good decisions. He feels like we're out in the world so much, that he's not really needed. Or we have become so independent that we don't need home, anymore.

My family is poor. We grew up with hand me down clothes from family friends. We never ate out at restaurants. If we went to McDonald's, it was with coupons. And I am proud of it. It has made me who I am today.

One of the biggest dilemma's my parents faced was how on earth they would ever afford a good education for their 3 girls. Post secondary school is very expensive, and they would never be able to afford that with their salary. Sure, we could borrow money from the government, but the idea of their kids coming out of school with so much debt was also a little scary for my parents.

When I went to a school with a work study program, I found a way to not only earn valuable work experience during my undergraduate degree, but also a way to pay for my own living expenses, as well. It seemed like a win-win situation. My parents were really happy with it, as well.

But I guess, the price of independence is high. Once you start making your own decisions, it's difficult to go back to other people making decisions for you. Almost impossible, I think.

My ideals, I believe are deeply rooted with my Chinese culture which I was brought up with by my parents. But there are also parts from growing up in a multicultural community, such as Toronto. I guess, I try to take the best of worlds, and meld them into something that works for me and makes me happy.

In the end, my parents just want to be included more in my life. They wanted to get to know LeBlanc more, so they don't feel like their daughter is going on a trip with a stranger. They want me to come home more often. To call, and just ask them how life in general is going. That's all. And I promised that I would do that, but they also need to know that I do want to spend time with friends, and weekends, are oh-so-short. But I will try harder to keep in touch.

(To be on the safe side, right when I got home, I ran upstairs and stashed my passport in my purse. hehe.)

The Generation and/ or Cultural Gap

2009-06-29T21:35:00.005-04:00

My parents immigrated to Canada almost 30 years ago. My mom was born in Cambodia. Her family was fairly wealthy, but they fled the Khmer Rouge to Hong Kong in the 1960's. My dad was born in Vietnam. His family was poor, but they managed get my dad out of Vietnam to Hong Kong so he didn't have to serve in the Vietnam War. My sisters and I were born in Toronto, and have grown up here our entire lives.

When I think back, and realize how much opportunity my sisters and I have at a better life than my parents. And how hard they have worked to give us those opportunities, I am humbled and truly grateful.

But then there are times, when our views are different on certain subjects, and I feel that I may be hurting them by having a different opinion.

For instance, LeBlanc and I have been planning to take a vacation together. We're thinking of a relaxing stay in Europe (Normandy, France) or strolling along beaches, long walks, bicycle rides, wine, food, and lots of lounging around. Both our jobs are demanding, and we think it would be nice to just have nothing on the schedule, except "us."

I mention this to my parents, and they seemed to take it quite well. (Much to my surprise. So, I called LeBlanc and told him that I really should be giving my parents more credit.)

Then, I get a call from my mom the past Friday. She was very concerned about this trip of mine, she proceeded to dissuade me from going.

The thing is, I get very defensive when I feel someone else's goal is to change my mind. It's an automatic reaction for me, and unfortunately, my listening abilities drop by 50%. All I can hear is "You are wrong. I am right."

My mom was concerned that "something" might happen between LeBlanc and I if we are alone in room together. Since we would most likely be sharing a hotel room. Most likely with one bed.

Did I mention that I am 25 years old? I am.

Anyway, my mom tells me that she doesn't think this type of behaviour (premarital sex) is good. It's not a right path, or reason. It's lustful. If I marry someone, they may not like it. Etc., etc., Basically, it's wrong, and she doesn't think I should do it, and wants me to PROMISE not to.

She pushed a lot of buttons when she was trying to convince me.

1) She thinks I'm being casual by sleeping with someone before marriage.

2) She thinks I've had too many relationships (this is my second serious one)

3) She thinks that "little Chinese girls" are supposed to live at home until they are married, but since I work far, she "lets" me live on my own

4) She thinks my future husband will not accept or like the fact that I've been with othen men before him

It's funny. When we were little, we were told we couldn't or shouldn't do things because we should be getting good grades. In high school, it was so that we can get in a good university. In university, it was so that we could graduate and get a good job. And now that I've done that, the NEW GOAL is the good husband. (I see the trick, I've fallen for it my entire life!)

My mom is a very stubborn woman. And I do believe that children need to have strict rules when they are growing up, because they don't know the difference between right and wrong. However, I am an adult now. And I have been for some time. I've been making my own decisions, whether she realizes that or not, and it's no longer her say.

Last time when I wanted to go on vacation with Almond (I think it was 4 or 5 years ago), she basically had the same "calm" talk with me. She states her reasons, and then expects you to agree with them. I stated my reasons, too, and I told her that I still wanted to go, that I didn't agree with her on her reasons.

She. Freaked. Out. She got very, very angry. And she hit way below the belt. She pretty much dared me to go. To go against her will.

And I didn't. Almond didn't want to go anymore. Who wants to have that kind of an axe over their neck?!

And my biggest fear was that she was going to pull the same stunt this trip. I'm not expecting her to agree with me, or be encouraging of my trip. But, she should know that it's not her say, anymore.

I was very upset with the phonecall. I reminded her of what happened last time. And I asked her that if she pulled something like that, how am I supposed to respect her?

If we are both adults, we are both entitled to our own opinions and our own decisions. We may agree on some issues, and we will disagree on others, but she cannot force me to agree with her. She can't threaten me into agreeing with her. I lost a lot of faith, when she stooped to that level last time, and it hasn't been completely restored to this day.

If she really did want me to think about it. I will. But I might not change my mind. And if I don't. She has to respect that. She can't throw a fit, and threaten myself or LeBlanc.

I've been talking this over with my sisters, my friends, and LeBlanc (though LeBlanc doesn't know all the details of the past), and I guess I need to man up and have a conversation with my mom. Calmly. Even if it hurts her, that her daughter is a grown woman now. I'm not innocent and naive. And if I want to sleep with someone who is special to me, that is my decision, and my decision alone.

I know it exposes me to be hurt. And even though I hurt like hell, through the break up with Almond. I don't regret it. And in the end, I know I've become a better person. I stronger person. A smarter person. And a more forgiving person. I may not be young and naive, or "pure and innocent", but I'm a better person. And whoever my husband will be, he'll be someone is accepting of everything about me.

So, I've decided to head home on Canada Day and confront this (and grab my passport, as well). Wish me luck!!!

Do you currently face any generation or cultural gaps with your parents or elders???

Re-Decorating!!!

2009-06-03T21:34:00.009-04:00

When I moved into my apartment, I tried to buy some furniture under the colour theme of black, white and a pop of red. I love bold colours with black and white. I think it looks so simple and classy.

So, one afternoon of lazing around, LeBlanc says to me:

LeBlanc: Des, I want to do something with my room.

me: Um hm. *Wheels start turning*

LeBlanc: Not sure what, though.

me: Hhmm. *Mental remake of room in progress*

LeBlanc: Any ideas?

me: Maybe you can paint the walls. Move that (hideous) shelf. Change you desk. Emphasize your beautiful bay windows.

LeBlanc: Hmmm. Good idea.

me: I've always wanted to decorate a room, after seeing so many epidsodes of Trading Spaces. Can I try decorating your room? It'll be like an experiment, and if it works, maybe I can do mine next! :)

LeBlanc: Yea, sure. I would be really supportive of that. That's awesome.

So, I've picked a colour palette to work with, and LeBlanc loves it. (I assured him I would not turn his room into a dollhouse.)

I don't want to do anything too drastic, I want to re-use most of his furniture. Maybe get rid of an extra shelf he has lying around. Add some nice drapery to emphasize the beauty of his bay windows overlooking his front patio, maybe put in some chairs there. I love simple floor to ceiling curtains on rods.

I like colour, so I was thinking of painting one wall blue (his favourite colour), and the ceiling and other walls an off white, paint his doors a dark chocolate colour. And add some softer lighting in. Get some new duvet covers and pillows and we're done.

I'm so excited. These are some pictures where I've been getting some inspiration.

I love the two coloured wall, and the hard wood floors. LeBlanc has really nice hardwood floors at his place.

I like that light. And those sticks.

I like the seating at the bay windows. Not sure if we want to put in that much work, he's only going to be there for a year, but maybe some chairs and cushions, instead. I was also thinking of painting the inner trim the same dark chocolate colour, and the outer trim to be a khaki colours, and the wall white.

That's it for now! I hope it will take us about two weekends to do this.

Do you like to re-decorate??? Any recent projects or future projects planned???

I Miss Him

2009-05-28T16:50:00.006-04:00

LeBlanc is in London right now, 5 hours ahead. Even though I spent the entire weekend with him (minus Saturday morning when I had to work, but he was sleeping, anyway), it didn't really hit me that he was leaving.

It didn't hit me, when we cleaned up the kitchen. (Mostly him, I hate cleaning other people's messes. I would run downstairs and bring him the broom, so he can sweep, as I perched on a stool and point out spots he missed! haha!)

And it didn't hit me when he did his 3 loads of laundry. Or when I helped him sort out his 3 loads of laundry and pack his bags. Or when some of his friends came to hang out at his patio and he kept saying, "I don't want to go!" Or when I drove him to his office to pick up dry cleaning. Or when I drove him home to see his family for a little bit before his flight. Or when his limo came to pick him up. Or when he hugged me, and kissed my forehead, as his family was standing around us.

None of this really hit me.

It wasn't until after he left, and I started the drive home. I stopped at a gas station to fill up on gas, turned the corner, and the radio played the song, "Music of my Heart" by NSync and Gloria Estetan. And then, I started crying. I haven't heard that song in ages, and it's not like we have a "song" or anything. Maybe it was the lyrics. I just felt like I would miss him. A lot.

I haven't missed someone like this in a while, and the feeling scares me a little. It's a little overwhelming the reign he has on my emotions. After Almond, I've kept my feelings guarded, but this feeling just happened.

Would he miss me? Is he sobbing pathetically while NSync is blasting from the radio?

I miss him.

Who do you miss right now???

I think I`m falling...

2009-05-20T18:30:00.003-04:00

I know that I`ve kept my guard up with LeBlanc.

But I think I`m really starting to fall for him. It scares me, and it excites me at the same time. That I can feel that way, again.

It has been seeping it`s way into me these past few weeks. It kinda hit me yesterday, when we were driving, and I was tense. (I really hate driving downtown) He reached over and it just relaxed me, then he told me I was doing a great job. Then, afterwards when we went for dinner, and the way he looks at me. The way he reached over the table and plays with my fingers.

It`s really hard to for me to admit something like this. I`m not sure why. But I`m loving this feeling.

What are the things that are hard for you to admit???

Norway... and some bad memories

2009-05-14T21:04:00.006-04:00

LeBlanc might have his upcoming project in Norway.

He asked me on my thoughts about it, or as he put it, "Just wanted to run it by you, Des."

I was excited and happy about it for him. It's a project that he's really interested in, and something we both care about - sustainability. I was also secretly happy he asked me, even though I wasn't going to say anything to stop him.

Even though, I will miss him, I think this is a great opportunity. I think I need to tell him that. The "I miss him" part.

LeBlanc was posted in Calgary when we started dating. We would see each other once a week, and talk a couple of times a week on the phone. I'm not a huge phone person, but I do like a quick chat to get a glimpse into his day, and I would want him to care about mine, too.

When LeBlanc asked me what I thought, my first thought was back to this incident with Almond.

........................................................................................

He had really wanted to go on a trip with his friend to Japan for a few weeks. On hindsight, I was selfish and I had apologized for it, but I realize three years later, that he probably never really forgave me.

Almond had asked me for my honest opinion, if I wanted him to go. Being young, naive and selfish, I said, I wanted to go with him, and I thought that I would miss him too much if he went without me. Silly, I know. But at that moment, it felt like the end of the world if he left.

Almond didn't go.

After realizing my mistake, I apologized profusely. I felt terrible. I was supposed to be supportive, and instead, I was the opposite.

Almond told me that it was ok. That everything was fine. That his parents probably wouldn't let him go, anyway.

Fast forward three years, we're sitting his car talking about his graduation plans. He had been talking about moving to Cali for almost a month. Not once did he ask for my thoughts on it.

Almond: I'm thinking of moving to California (Silicon Valley) to look for a job. They have the best jobs in my field. You can come down with me. I'm sure they have jobs in your field there.

...

Des: You can't just assume that I will follow you. You never even asked me my thoughts on it.

Almond: Well, I already gave up my dreams for you, once. I don't want to have to do it, again.

Des: What's that supposed to mean?!

Almond: Remember when I wanted to go to Japan, and you said that you didn't want me to go? Going to Japan has been one of my life dreams, and I gave that up for you. I don't want to have to give up everything for you.

Des: What?!?! How can you blame that on me?

Almond: Well, you said you didn't want me to go, and I didn't. But I'm not going to do it, again.

I remember my heart literally hurting. I felt like I was slapped in the face. I was sorry, and I had apologized right away after the incident 3 years ago, but Almond had assured me that he didn't have the money and his parent's probably wouldn't let him go, anyway. On hind sight, I think he said that so I wouldn't feel bad at the time. But I had no idea that he resented me for it.

I know that LeBlanc and Almond are very different, and one of the reasons that I'm drawn to LeBlanc is his straight up attitude. But I don't want to be resented from someone I care about. It really hurt. What hurt the most was that when Almond resented me for so long for that Japan trip, and I had no clue. I really thought that he had forgiven me.

What's the most hurtful grudge that someone you cared about you has carried???

Reflections on The 100 Mile Diet: A Year of Local Eating by Alisa Smith and James McKinnon

2009-05-06T21:58:00.005-04:00

This book was part of the bag of goodies from LeBlanc's birthday gift. I had told him about aspiring to be more of a minimalist, and being more aware of my actions on the environment. Plus, we both love food. So it was a very thoughtful gift. :) (I'm asking him to read it, too, so we can discuss it!)

In a nutshell, this book documented the journey this couple took, to try to eat food that was from a 100-mile radius from their home in Vancouver, British Columbia in Canada. It seems like a straight forward task, but a simple task it is not. The narration of each chapter is alternated between Alisa and James. We see how the diet impacts not only their eating habits, but their lives.

I learn that the average distance my food travels is 1,200 miles. (Then, I ran to my fridge and took a look at the sticker on my hot-house tomatoes. It said "Mexico.")

One of the main themes that really made me reflect was the lack of connection that we have with the things we use everyday, including the food that we eat. In losing that connection, we also lose a sense of our community. We get our veggies, dairy, and meats at the grocery stores, but we don't see where it comes from before that.

I, for one, did not even know where my tomatoes came from. All I cared about was that it was less than $1.29/lb and they were red and firm.

What about the farmers who grew them? Are they compensated justly for their labour? What about the fertilizers and pesticides used? Were they picked when they were ripe, or or were they picked so they could ripen on the journey to my supermarket? How much gas did it take to transport my tomatoes? How does this impact our environment?

If we were to take an inventory of all the food in our local supermarkets, how much of the food is local? How much food is from another province? Another country? Another continent?

Is it necessary for our food to travel such long distances? Is it sustainable to the environmen? Is it sustainable to the societies which support our consumption? Is it healthy for us?

And the list of unanswered questions continue.

I like this book because it is largely devoted to asking questions, and exploring different options. It doesn't seek to judge or condemn our society, it just asks questions. It also looks at how we have evolved, as a society, in the way which we get our food.

In the past, when we used to live off our lands, we would grow our crops, and then preserve the surplus so that we can live off of it during the seasons we cannot yield any crops (i.e., winter for us in Canada.) We don't do that anymore. We can buy our favourite foods, year round at our local supermarkets.

One story that particularly touched me, was about the salmon in their local river. Alisa and James had found a river where they could get salmon from, which was within their food radius. Looking forward to heading back to the river, to get more salmon to preserve for the winter, they were devestated when a spillage of a toxic chemical killed all lifeforms in the river. This meant there was no salmon for them this winter.

This story touched me becuase I think we no longer feel this connection with our environment: that we depend on our environment to survive. If I saw this on the news, I would think that it was sad news, but it would end there. It doesn't affect me on a personal level. But this book reminds us, that not too long ago, this kind of disaster would spell famine for all the people who lived in the village and depended on this salmon. Disasters such as this, might not affect us on a personal level today, but it used to, and it still can.

What would our community be like if we had more connection with the things we eat, with the things we use? Can you imagine buying your wheat from a farmer and knowing exactly how he grows it and processes it? Or what about picking your own berries from a local farmer and eating it sweet and ripe, straight from the plant?

In our fast paced world, it`s easy to get caught up in life, and we forget to enjoy the little things. We forget to ask questions, and we assume that things are just the way they are.

It`s also easy to forget that everything we use must come from somewhere, and sometimes, it`s important to know that whatever it is that we are using, we have a relationship with it. And it has a relationship to the earth. Maybe it`s time that we took a step back, and evaluate the decisions we are making, either consciously or unconsciously, and think about how they are affecting our lives, and our future.

What are your thoughts on local eating? Do you think its important to know where your food comes from?

Career: Practical or Dreamy?

2009-04-28T17:42:00.008-04:00

Last night, I went out to dinner with my girl friends after a relaxing spa date.

We used to all work for the same company about 2 years ago. Two of them, as entry level engineers - just out of university, and I was on a student internship. Of course, they had health benefits at that time, and I didn't. Now that I am working full-time as well, we all go out for spa dates, together!

Last night, was one of our last spa dates. :(

One of the girls found a job somewhere else (which did not include these benefits), and another one was going back to school!

We got to talking about our careers, our relationship lives, etc.

One of the girls was going back to school to persue another undergraduate degree - in psychology. This took my by complete surprise, since it seems like a topic that is opposite to what she had studied and worked in. Did I mention that she graduated from engineering?

Anyhow, we were all first generation Canadians, with middle eastern, or Asian background. It was little surprise that we would choose something that was practical to study, so that we can get a good job afterwards.

I, of course, am no different. Engineering was something that was practical to me. Math and science were topics that I found interesting and easy to grasp. So after 5 years, here I am.

Working in the field that I had wanted to be in. And yet, I can't say I am completely satisfied. Even though it's what I wanted to be in, it's not exactly what I picture or envisioned. If that makes any sense.

Do I want to be walking parking structures for the rest of my life, and chasing leaks? Writing specs? Contract administration? Methinks not.

However, on those bad days, I keep reminding myself that I need to take a step back, and look at the bigger picture. Where I am right now is a great place to learn. It's a wonderful place to start out. I have a lot of great teachers, and mentors at my work place, who are all willing to give me a chance to learn. I need to take a advantage of that. And then take it from there.

I keep reminding myself, that I won't get anything out of this experience if I don't put in all my effort to learn as much as I can. Then, after that, I can decide where I want to go from there.

I guess that's the big picture. Sometimes, it's hard to keep that in mind, when I'm doing the mundane tasks.

I know nothing is written in stone. But, if I had a chance to pick something else. Something where I didn't have to worry about finding a job afterwards, I'm not sure if I would pick engineering. Or maybe, I would take more electives in something else.

I think back to high school when I had to pick my university program. How is a 18 year old supposed to know what she wants to do for the rest of her life? And I was someone who researched and looked into my field? My decision was based on a balance of what was practical and what I had interest in. I wasn't able to take the leap to choose something that wasn't, in my eyes, practical.

One of my cousins studied Fashion Designing, and spent two years. Only to end up working odd jobs waitress-ing, and eventually ending up at her dad's company as an admin clerk. That scares me. I'm not sure if I could deal with that very well, if I were in her position.

Meh. Just something that's on my mind.

Did you choose your career based on practicality or dreams???

Relationships: now vs before

2009-04-25T09:00:00.013-04:00

My computer died almost a month ago, and I've been dilly dally-ing and taking my sweet time looking for a new one. (Hence, the one I have now is AWESOME and I got it for a sweet price - $599.99 CND, baby!) It's got the pattern below on the cover, but I can't seem to find the inside part with the same design along the bottom.

Nothing too crazy has been happnening in my life, and I did not want to bore you with the details of my new relationship. Gushy over what a great guy he is. I think it's more interesting to talk about the parts I'm uncertain about and mull over while I over analyze everything. But, really, he is a great guy, and we've been having a lot of fun over the past little while. AND he is even got a little romantic side, too.

Thanks to my readers (I'm sure there's only a couple of you out there) for checking back. The funny thing was that I got comments on my bday, and even though you guys don't know it, it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. **Waves to Greears and Andy**

Just a quick reminder. Almond is my ex, whom I dated for almost 5 years from high school to third year in university. LeBlanc is the guy I'm dating now :)

So, now that LeBlanc and I have been dating since November-ish and "officialized" it in February, when he told me that he was going to start referring to me as his girlfriend, we've had our share of misunderstandings and moments. It's interesting to look back and reflect on how I look at this relationship, and how I look at how I deal with our mishaps.

Last night, one of my girlfriends and I were comparing the me's before and after.

When I first dated Almond back in high school, I had not gone out much (strict Asian parents, I tell you!). Everything was new with Almond. First walk home. First hand holding. First kiss. First touch. Much like in Twilight.

Then after Almond, I hadn't really been in a relationship for very long. I had dated my share of guys. None had made it to the "boyfriend" level, with the exception of Hagan Daaz. Most of them were nice guys, a couple were jerks. Such is the single life. Le sigh.

What I found was the nice guys seemed too nice. Too proper. That I felt like I should like them, but I didn't. I wanted someone who would make me laugh, not be afraid to tease me, and someone who made me excited to be around. I remember one really nice chap, would always ask me out to do things. And he would really put a lot thought into where it was, whether it be out for dinner or a picnic, or a movie. But it felt like he treated me like a piece of glass, afraid I would break. I'm actually a very easy going person, and not too many things would offend me. So I guess he was just nervous.

Anyhow, all I'm saying is that I haven't really had, what I refer to as, "transitional" relationships. You know, high school relationship(s), university relationship(s), post secondary relationship(s). I believe that since we are all at different times in our lives, we also veiw our relationships differently and treat them accordingly.

For instance, phone time. I remember in high school, Almond and I would stay up all night talking. It felt like whatever we had to say, we just needed to say, at that very moment. I mean, what the hell did we talk about til 3, 4, 5 or a couple of times, 6 a.m., in the morning?! Now I look back, and I can't remember / imagine what it was that we talked about.

Now, I would much rather sleep. Although, I like it when LeBlanc calls in the check how my day was or what I am up to (though he does not do this every night). But when 11:00 p.m rolls around, I'm ready to say good night and hello to my beauty sleep :)

Another thing was my security in myself and my phsyical appearance. See, I've never been one to really dress up, or be the girly girl type. It was more out of necessity, than choice. When I was little, I would wear the hand-me downs from my parents' friends' kids (who were all boys, might I add.) Then, in middle and high school, I never had the money to buy all those fancy clothes because I knew I had to save to pay for university.

So imagine my surprise and rush of adreneline when Almond told me he thought I was pretty. And not just pretty, he thought I was the prettiest girl in the world (naive, I know). The conversation probably went something like this:

Almond: Des, I think you're so pretty.

Des: Really?? You think I'm pretty?? No one has ever told me that before.

Des (in my head): Aside from my mom.

(Stomach does summer saults and has a grin that stretches the circumference of my face.)

Almond: I think you're gorgeous.

Des melts.

Though I'm not the type to ask constantly, I remember thinking to myself: Does he really think I'm pretty? How pretty? Prettier than her??

Le sigh. Such is the insecure life of a teenager.

Anyhow, with LeBlanc, I don't believe I've ever questioned it. I just assumed that he thought I was pretty and attractive. lol. Seriosly, but not in a I-am-full-of-myself kind of way. I just feel more comfortable in my body, and I have also learned to buy clothes that fit my body (hooray for having cash flow! Engineering paid off!). Besides, he must be with me for a reason (aside from my uber intelligence and awesome personality, of course).

Though, he has told me on several occasions he thinks I am pretty hot, or pretty. (Which I don't think are the same thing. I would much rather be called pretty than "hot.")

And the list goes on.

LeBlanc knows that I'm grouchy when I'm either sleepy or hungry. I don't think Almond ever knew that. I guess I wasn't afraid to let LeBlanc know or afraid that he wouldn't like me because of it. Besides, it would take too much effort to mask those characteristics, and I am usually quite pleasant to be around. Not to mention that LeBlanc is also not a morning person.

With Almond, I felt like I had to know everything about his past. But with LeBlanc, it's not that I don't want to know, I just don't know if that will really make a difference. We did talk a bit about our past, and he knows about Almond. I wanted to know if LeBlanc had any unresolved issues. Aside from that, we talked about STD's, and other health issues.

With Almond, I remember having to know if he was "the one." The person I wanted to eventually marry, one day. Or else, it might not be worth having a relationship with. And maybe, because of that, I just convinced that he was "the one," and I didn't look at all the things that we did not have in common.

For instance, the way we spend money, and the things that we spend it on. Also, we had different views of our careers, and what we want it to mean. Right now, I don't think that far ahead. It's not to say, that it doesn't cross my mind with LeBlanc, it's just something that I'm not focused on. I'm more focused on enjoying the present and just let the future happen without worrying over it, too much.

I remember I felt with Almond that I wanted to just be with him every moment. And in doing so, I now realize that I neglectged a lot of my identity in the process. I didn't take the time to discover myself and my interests during my in university (which is something I think everyone should be doing.) I spent too much of doing homework and hanging out with Almond in my little spare time. Though, most of them were great times, time apart to discover yourself is definitely something that I would advocate.

It wasn't until after we broke up that I started to find activities to do to fill up my void of time. I remember spending more time with family and friends. Spending more time joining clubs and sports. I went traveling and I went on exchange to Singapore (which was where I met LeBlanc, surprising, enough.) In our time apart, as painful as it was sometimes, I learned that there was a whole other side of me that had nothing to do with Almond. And that part was special, too.

I felt like I had taken a while to discover my identity, again. An identity that was just me. Me, my family and my friends. A big fear of mine, is that I would lose this identity if I get too absorbed in another guy. I need my "me time" and time apart. I no longer feel that I have to be perfectly in sync with my boyfriend. We can have different interests, as well, as some common ones. It's a balance, that I'm still juggling. But I think that I'm doing a much better job of it now, then before.

I also explained this to LeBlanc. And he said that was one of the things that he liked about me :) He would never want me to lose my identity, and if I didn't want to certain things with him, or want some alone time, I could let him know.

Another part of me that's changed is how I view the guy. I don't expect him to be perfect. Actually, I know that LeBlanc and I are both far from perfect. But I've also learned to compromise on things that are not as important to me, and pick my battles. I've also learned that I'm not always right (just most of the time, though ;]). I've also learned that even if I am right, I can still let the guy off the hook. Story to follow.

I think that's enough emotional thoughts for a Saturday morning!

I apologize for neglecting my blog, as of late. Thanks for checking back, Andy and Greears :) It's very encouraging, and I promise to stop by and do some catching up on your lives! *hugs*

I Can't Hate

2009-02-26T19:37:00.004-05:00

Looking back on my life, I have come to the conclusion that I can't hate anyone. I can dislike, I can be indifferent, I can love, I can like, but I cannot hate.

Having said that, I have come close at times. I can safely say there have been two people in my life who have hurt me so deeply that it has taken me years to heal. Almond being one of them. And my first ever, best friend, being the other.

My first best friend, let's call her, Vivi. We met in kindergarten, and we instantly bonded. I moved away when I was in grade 7. And I know, friends come and go. But she was my best friend, and I thought that our friendship was stronger than that. Of course, at that age, friends at school were everything. So we both made new "best friends" at our own schools, but were still each other's best friends.

I know, it's silly. Even at that age, I know that friends drift apart. That's normal. However, we still saw each other every Saturday at Chinese school, and we hung out at recess, as we usually did. Then, one day, she hung out with some other girls at recess. And then she started to sit with them. And not invite me.

I asked her if she was mad at me. At first she brushed off my questions, with answers, such as, "Well, I've hung out with you at recess since kindergarten, I wanted to meet other people." Which, made sense to me. But I was still hurt. Then, it became clear to me, that I just wasn't cool enough for her.

I was very, very sad. This loss of friendship broke my little heart. I had no idea what I did wrong. I tried talking to her at school. Calling her. Asking her what I did wrong so I could apologize, and we could be friends, again. I don't remember her giving me an explanation. She said she wasn't mad at me, but she just didn't want to be friends, anymore.

I remember feeling so lost without a best friend. Without someone to whom I can share my deepest secrets, and dreams with. I remember dreaming about it, for years afterwards. That she would ask me to be friends with her again. And I would always, always forgive her. And we would go on laughing and joking like nothing had come between us.

And if she were to ask me today, I'm sure I would say the same thing.

My second "break up" was with Almond. As you have probably read in my previous posts about him, he broke up with me without much of a reason, or explanation.

He sent me angry emails when I said I needed to be alone. His email to me the first Christmas after we broke up was horrible. I have never been able to read it again. But it was demeaning. It was a complete guilt trip. It was very, very cruel. And, it was way, way below the belt.

Keep in mind that he was the one who wanted to break up. Basically, he was frustrated that he didn't get much of a reaction from me. Apparently, I was supposed to fight for him to come back, and ask him to reconsider or beg him to stay, or something to that effect. Me trying to respect his decision and moving on, was not what he had expected.

Since our breakup, I have never said one hurtful thing to him. It wasn't until about 5 months ago, when we decided to communicate again, that I realized how much anger I was really keeping pent up inside. (This was shortly after Haagan Daz and I broke up). He canceled out on our meeting, and that was the moment I realized I was PISSED. Even after everything, he initiates a meeting and gets to make the call to cancel last minute?!?! No F*in way.

I penned out my anger in a very angry email addressed to him.

Addressing all the hurt that I had kept inside for the last two years. The time which I had tried to move on. Had tried to forget about all the hurt. Had tried to stop hoping that things between us would (maybe, by some miracle) go back to how it was before. That I would be able to feel that way about someone else.

I lashed out in my writing at how immature he was. How much hurt he caused me. I was angry that during out time together, I tried to reach out to him but he bottled things up and let things explode without ever trying to talk to me about it. I lashed out at how he was immature, whiny and depressing, and I still tried my best to cheer him up, and loved him all the same. Thinking and believing we would get through this because we loved each other.

I bitched about how even after our break up, I was still a friend to him, when he had no one else to turn to, because I genuinely cared about him, but partly why he was being my friend, was so that he could "see if things were going somewhere."

I bitched at how he would seem like a lost puppy one minute, saying that he knew it was unfair to ask me to wait until he was ready for a relationship. That I was the best thing that happened t him, and I was so important to him, but he had NO F*KN idea when he was ready for a relationship again. Then a month later his FB profile is plastered with him a new GF.

It made me so angry!

And I wrote it all out in the email to him. Bitching my heart out. Pouring out the anger that I had kept inside because I DIDN'T WANT TO HATE HIM, or hurt him. And now I wanted to hurt him. I wanted hurt him as much as he hurt me. Wanted to see how he lost someone so great because he was a moron and idiot. The anger I first felt almost 2 years ago, were flooding back to me in that email.

I sent the email to my one of my firlfriends. Then, I saved it. I knew I was in no condition to send something to Almond. And I went to sleep.

I looked at the email a couple days later, after I had calmed down.

And I realized that my email, sounded a lot like the one he sent me 3 Christmases ago.

It was angry. It was blaming. It was immature. But most of all it was hurtful.

And I realized, that no matter how angry I felt at the moment. No matter how hurt I was, that he could still stir up so many emotions after this long. I realized, I didn't want to hurt him the way he hurt me. I don't want to hit below the belt. I didn't want to hate him. I just so desperately wanted to move on. And I just wanted to know why it was so hard.

Even now. I find it hard to completely trust anyone. But I also know these things take time. I am more careful with my heart, and want to be careful that I don't guard it so much that I don't give other's a chance to see it.

Very Different

2009-02-24T18:46:00.005-05:00

LeBlanc is very different from any of the guys I've dated before. Tres different from Almond, and that was one of the things that drew me to him. And the fact that I was at a point in my life where I thought that I should stop thinking so much, and just enjoy it!

I feel very comfortable with LeBlanc. He knows that I get grouchy when I'm hungry. Or how I ramble on incoherently when I first wake up. That I prefer staying in than going out. That I can eat as fast as him, though not as much. That my sarcasm can match his. That I can burn frozen dinner, but also be able to roast an entire chicken. hehe.

We didn't realize before, but we have very similar interests and outlooks on life. He's also the oldest of three siblings, and when I met his family over dinner a few weeks ago, his little brother was so happy to see him. They didn't stop talking and it reminded of me and my sisters. It was absolutely adorable :) We both love food, and he is not afraid to try anything new.

When he came over for the first time, I was so flustered, I burnt the frozen dumplings I was cooking for him. So, he thought that I couldn't cook. But he was sweet about it.

LeBlanc: Des, you look flustered.
me: Well, I kinda burnt the frozen dumplings.

(Parts of them were actually black. I had made dumplings millions of times before this, mind you.)

LeBlanc: Oh, that's ok. That's how I like my dumplings.
me: You like them burnt?
LeBlanc: Exactly. Perfect burntness. Yumm.

Maybe that's why he always offers to cook. Until I made him dinner on Valentine's Day. I am proud to say I roasted an entire chicken. Roasted chicken and potatoes with garlic and rosemary. Very yummy. And easy.

LeBlanc got us tickets to see the musical - The Sound of Music. A little bit into the show, I turn to ask LeBlanc something. And I notice he starting to doze... I poke him. He dozes in random parts - the boring parts, he assures me. And I prod and kick him when I notice it. I felt a little bad that he was missing out, or maybe he wasn't enjoying it.

At the end of the night, I ask him.

me: Did you have fun tonight? I feel kinda bad. I feel like you wasted your money because you were asleep. Or bored.
LeBlanc: Des, I think I got a good amount of musical tonight. I don't enjoy them as much as you, but I think that I was awake for the most enjoyable parts. So I optimized my awake time.
me: And the parts you were sleeping?
LeBlanc: They weren't that interesting. To me. Talking bores me. But the set was awesome!!!

(Note: If you bring a guy to a musical, make sure it has an awesome set, it will distract them from the boring bits.)

LeBlanc: Besides, I had great company. It was a great atmosphere. Great music. Singing, dancing. It was a pretty fun Valentine's Day, if you ask me. Don't feel bad, Des. I have a short attention span. I'm glad you liked the musical.

Things with LeBlanc are going well. I'm pretty content right now. Who would have thunk LeBlanc would be such a sweetheart? I certainly didn't think so when he was making fun of me non-stop when we first traveled together. Boys.

Thoughts at the Mall

2009-02-19T21:17:00.001-05:00

Being in my mid-twenties, sometimes I get hit with the "Wow, I’m an adult" feeling. The feeling that I am no longer carefree and naïve. Little things, such as, having to apply eye cream at night, or realizing my metabolism has slowed down. To bigger things, such as having responsibilities to myself, my family and my friends. If I make a mistake, it's up to me to fix it.

Sometimes, I want to go back to those times where I didn't have to be as responsible, those teenager years. I usually smarten up pretty quickly, and instead of yearning for my youth, I am grateful for some of the wisdom I have acquired over the years.

Take last Friday, for instance. I spent a good 3 hours in the mall while waiting to meet up for dinner with a friend. In those god-for-saken 3 hours, I got tired of roaming the stores (shopping is more fun with people), and sat down to read my finance book, "She Laughed all the way to the Bank."

Surrounding me were a bunch of teenagers. Girls with tight clothes with TNA labels, giggling and flirting with the boys. Guys with baggy pants, only about 5 sizes too big for them held up by belts to their knees, trying to be all "cool". All texting on their Blackberries and rifling through their Lululemon bags. They took pictures of themselves, sitting in each other laps, with their digital cameras and complained about homework and working.

You know, back when I was in middle school and high school, these were probably the cool kids. Popular kids. The kids with friends who hung out in crowds by the entrance to cafeteria. Whereas me and my friends hung out in the library. Doing our homework.

I still don't have a Blackberry, though I do have a super cute Nokia (which I got for $0). I still haven't bought an article of clothing from TNA. Or Lululemon. (Though I have been tempted to on a couple occasions. Then reality slaps me - a tank top for $54?! Puh-lease!!) And, yet, I'm probably the one with the income to do so (compared to teenagers who probably earn minimum wage).

But the difference (well, one of them) between those girls (who represent what I wanted to be back when I was a teenager) and present me, is that, I realized my mom was right when she said that your friends won't care about what you wear. In high school and middle school, when all the cool kids had their brand name clothes, and cool accessories - it's part of what made them fit in. And, now, I don't need that. At all. I prefer to spend my money elsewhere. On things that make me feel good, not on proving myself to someone else.

Then, I feel so glad that that part of my life is in the past. That I am now wiser, and realize how silly I used to be when I had those moments to want to fit in with crowds of people who weren't even interested in me. And, I am very thankful for the wisdom my parents tried to pass on to me about making friends. You only need a couple good ones. And those good ones, could care less about how you look.

Now, applying eye cream doesn't seem so bad :)

TNA. Completely overrated.

When Life Gets Busy

2009-02-10T22:38:00.003-05:00

OK. So maybe I was a little too ambitious in my last post of starting two other blogs. haha.

One step at a time, Des.

However, I was definitely serious about taking my finances more seriously and arming myself with knowledge of budgeting and money stuff.

When my real life gets busy, my virtual life is a little bit neglected. And it's not that I don't think about writing, it's just that it never gets done.

However, let's start off with some personal finance.

So, I've been working for the past 7 months or so. After working for 6 months, I saved enough to clear my student debt (about $8000 - so, it's quite small). Then, I realized that my bank balance was pretty much right back where I started before I started my job.

I had about $10,000 sitting in a GIC ever since I started university since I had earned money through a part time job that I had been saving for university. However, I was fortunate enough to get some scholarships to supplement my tuition. Along with working every four months through co-op, I was able to leave my GIC alone.

After traveling, my checking account was pretty much gone, and I borrowed some money from my sister until my first pay check came.

I guess, what really surprised me was that I really didn't know where my money had gone in the last 6 months. I sat down to tally my major purchases and expenses, and it really hit me hard that it was definitely a lot easier to earn money than to save it.

My net income is a little over $2500 a month, plus an initial signing bonus.

Major expenses in the past 6 months:
$8000 Student loans
$1000 New mattress and bed frame
$1100 2 visits to IKEA for small furniture and house hold items (at that time, I only had 1 fork and 1 spoon as utensils)
$2600 Rent for 6 months
$700 Transportation for 6 months
$400 Visit to Ottawa including airfare, a new leather jacket, spending there
$220 Used furniture
$600 groceries (estimated $100 a month)
$120 Sport team league fees
$100 Wedding gift
$50 Beach weekend

Misc --> Eating out, movies, shopping for work clothes

Wow.

So, this is one of the motivations behind me wanting to track my finances. I don't regret my decisions on my spending. I guess, it just would've been nice to know at the time, how I was spending my money. A lot of it is start up - such as the furniture and house hold stuff. Now I am not that surprised that after I paid of my loans, there isn't much left.

More to come :) and wish me luck.

Organization!

2009-01-27T19:13:00.003-05:00

So, I've been trying to make some changes in my life.

I think I've gotten over the initial hump of "oh-my-god-I-am-no-longer-in-school-even-though-I-have-been-for-the-last-seventeen-years-of-my-life" crisis. Yay, me :)

I have gotten to the point that I am not that overwhelmed with my life. I have great sisters whom are my best friends and can talk about anything to. I have a great job right out of university as a consulting engineer. I am really liking dating a really great guy. I am on good terms with my parents. I have great friends, keep in touch even if we're far apart, and see my close ones as often as I can. AND I just paid off all my student loans.

Life is good, and I'm enjoying.

I think I was initially overwhelmed with everything because I felt like I had to know everything. Where I will be in 10 years from now. Even 5 years from now. From everything in terms of career, investments, house, car, boyfriend/significant other, etc etc.

Now, I know, and have convinced myself that that is silly. People are constantly changing. I am constantly changing, and to think that I can see into the future is silly. And also impossible.

So, instead of worrying about the future, I am just going to enjoy the present, and set some short term goals for myself.

A couple of areas of development, I am looking to improve are how I look at my finances and taking care of my body.

Not that I spend frivolously or eat very poorly. I think that is next to impossible with the way I was brought up (the Asian cheap genes). But I would like to know more about finances, track them and see where my money is going. Then, I can see if I am really spending my money where I want to be. I want to learn about investing, and do some of it myself. I would also like a place to record my journey along this path

I have a passion for food, and think it might be a good idea to have a place where I can record my cooking and eating woes (and triumphs). I usually only cook about twice a week, since I'm living on my own.

And even though, I can do all that on one blog. I would like to experiment with having 3 blogs. One dedicated to my weekly journal of my personal thoughts of my life (that's this one). One that is similar to a personal finance blog. And one more for my recipes and adventures dining out.

I like to have things organized into categories, and I'm actually really excited to get started on this little project of mine. I will post the links when I get them up and running :)

Wish me luck, and feel free to check them out!

Dancing

2009-01-21T21:26:00.005-05:00

Although I have 2 left feet, I love to dance.

Last Friday, I went out with some friends for a night of salsa. It was so awesome.

I took a couple of beginner salsa lessons at school during college. Really, with salsa, it's all about the guy. If the guy can lead, he can make any girl look good.

It took a few tries, but eventually myself and my friends all found our salsa partner for the night. My partner was awesome. He was definitely better than me, but was also very patient in teaching me and helping me learn. Wasn't too hard to look at either. Have I mentioned that I have had a thing for Middle Eastern men since traveling to Egypt? :)

I guess with dancing, flirty might be inevitable. I wasn't interested in more than dancing, and told him so. We kept dancing and I just realized how much fun I was missing out on. Salsa, I will never foresake thee, again.

I got a call from LeBlanc later that night. He actually worked around the corner from the club we were at. I invited him to join us if he was up for some salsa. Unfortunately, LeBlanc did not have any rhythm. But he did put up an honest effort, and I thought it was cute that he was trying :) Though, I swear, at times, I feared for my life when he tried to spin me.

Kiss the Rain

2009-01-18T21:30:00.002-05:00

Sometimes when I listen to music, it's just so beautiful that it makes me want to cry. Music invokes such strong emotions, I am always in awe of how people can create something so beautiful.

When I heard this song on the electric violin, I just put in on repeat for the rest of the night.

I have decided to print out my pictures into a photo album (non digital one) since my photos just stay on my hard drive and I never look at them. I was sorting through my hard drive of pictures, and it was the first time that I had looked at pictures of Almond and myself in a while. It's still not exactly easy to look at. This song was playing in the background, and it made me think back to the various experiences I have had.

Whether they be with Almond, with my sisters, with my friends, traveling, working, studying abroad. These various experiences make up who I am. Parts of my life are sad, parts of it is happy. But I can't go back to the past, and I can only learn from it, cherish the memories and move forward.

Maybe some people do really come into our lives for a short time, and move on.

One Step at at Time

2009-01-15T21:19:00.005-05:00

I've always been someone who likes to have a plan, to know where I'm going, and where I am at the moment. I guess, one thing I'm learning is that I don't have to be that person all the time, because, frankly, I'm not exactly sure where I'm going and where I want to end up.

I just know one thing. The most important thing to me is to be happy. To be content. To be able to spend time with the people I care about. To do the things that I want to do. To be able to find satisfaction in my work.

I used to think of myself as someone who had "it" together. To be honest, I used to imagine myself as one of those people who find their true love in high school, and then get married after college and live happily ever after. And when you see yourself like that for a while, it's hard to convince yourself that, "No, you didn't 'fail'. It just didn't work out." As silly as that might sound to you.

I guess in my relatively short time of dating, I feel as though I've learned more about what I don't want than what I want.

I don't want someone who is arrogant. Biggest turn off. Ever. I was in Singapore and one of my classmates asked me out for dinner and a movie. "Wahoo!" I thought, "My first date in a foreign country." After the movie, we went out for dinner and he spent 95% of that time telling me about how great he was, and all the important people who he knew. Yawn.

I also realize that I can be with the nicest guy in the world, and there would be no chemistry whatsoever. I had no urge to kiss them, and thought of what I would do, should they try to lean in for a kiss. Which also brings the question, why do girls not like nice guys? Is it really because they make it too easy or show all their cards? I don't know. I really wanted to like a nice guy, though.

I realize that education and career goals do matter to me. Even though I'm not attracted to a work-a-holic, I have a lot more respect for someone who has career goals, or life goals. Someone who tells how great it is that they are watching episodes of House at work, doesn't float well with me. (Haagan Daz)

I also learned that I could really like a guy because he's smart, attractive, fun and still have this teeny tiny bit of hope, even when he turns out to be a jerk. Why?! I don't know. (Don't worry, that phase has passed.)

With LeBlanc right now, I have no plan. I don't know where we're going. Where we are, though, is good for me right now. We're dating. We see each other about once a week. I get massages, and flowers :) I like this testing period.

Last week, I went over and he cooked me dinner. Shepherd's pie :) And the weekend before I made him dumplings (frozen ones).

I like this part of dating, I feel like I'm testing him out (for lack of a better term), and I haven't really found anything that I don't like.

Neither of us are big phone people, though we do talk about once a week. I wonder if that's a no-no. I remember I used to talk to Almond for hours on the phone. Every relationship is different, and I'm trying to just do what I feel comfortable with, instead of over analyzing and over thinking everything. Have I turned into a non-phone person?

I know that I don't feel like I'm crazy about him - in that way where I can't think of anything else. That's not to say that I don't think about him (quite a bit more now, actually), and I look forward to seeing him. But... is this how things start? Am I taking baby steps?

Call me crazy, but a part of me is thinking that I might find something that I won't like, or he might find me utterly boring, and it will be "the end". Yea, I am quite the optimist, aren't I?

$45 on diapers in May 1989

2009-01-12T18:59:00.004-05:00

That's how much my parents spent on diapers in May of 1989. Their organization and financial detailing and spending is something that I wish I had half of. It truly is amazing.

It's crazy. The older I get, the more I am in complete and utter shock and how my parents were able to pull through raising us kids.

When I was little, and until I was in grade 7, my dad was the sole provider for my family. My mom babysat for cash when I was in grade 2 until grade 7, and after that she went back to work. Though, it was very little in hind sight, it was enough that we could save away and use my dad's income for most of the day to day spending.

Even though my dad was a book keeper in Hong Kong and my mom an accountant, when they came to Canada, they have always worked in factories. My was working making airplane wings at MacDonald Douglas until he was laid off. Then, he worked at a wall paper company in the press lines until he was laid off. And until lately, he has been working in the assembly lines of a car manufacturing company.

My dad's pay cheque for the month was just a little over what I make now in 2 weeks. I know that the dollar was worth more in the past, but it astounds me and humbles me that my parents were able to provide so much for their 3 little girls, when they had so little themselves.

This makes me feel quite guilty for not knowing where my money is going. It's not that I spend frivolously (or, at least I don't think that I do), I just realized that if you asked me how much I spend on groceries last month, I can't give you an exact number.

So this is one of my new year resolutions - too keep better track of my expenses.

Next step would be to start looking into some investments, but first I'm going to focus on paying of my student loan (so they can stop getting all that interest from me!), and tracking my expenses. Wish me luck! :)

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays :)

2008-12-29T21:08:00.005-05:00

I realize how truly blessed I am to be able to celebrate my holidays with family and loved ones.

Even with kinks and bumps along the road, my family has always managed to be there for me, every step of the way. For that, I am eternally grateful.

This Christmas was my first grown up Christmas. That means that instead of getting 2 weeks off, I only get two and a half days off. Le sigh. But, it also makes me want choose who I want to spend that time with.

The day before Christmas Eve, who do I run into at the bus stop, but Almond. I see him as he is running to catch the bus, and I just got off. He stops to chat.

I was feeling a bit awkward, and pointed out that his bus was leaving. Even though I knew it came by often. He said, that he could take the next one. He asked how I was. Usual small talk. I wished him a Merry Christmas. He said it was nice seeing me.

I got an email from him a few days ago.

from: Almond
to: Des
date: Fri, Dec 26, 2008 at 12:39 AM
subject: Merry Christmas

Hi Des,

It was nice to see you again the other day. Just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas. I hope everything is going well for you.

Sincerely,
Almond

I know I should have responded earlier, but a part of me just wasn't sure what to say.

The thing that I realize now is, that I'm not mad at him anymore. I'm not bitter anymore. In fact, I'm just really sad.

Really sad that our relationship ended the way it did, and that there is nothing in the world that can make that better. So many times, I had wished that he could say those things to me that I desperately wanted to hear, and that somehow, things would be better. But, I now realize that there are no such words.

What we had is gone. He can't bring it back. And neither can I. It isn't so much that I miss him, or that I miss our relationship. It's that I miss who we were and what we had. But I can't go backwards. I can't unlearn what I have learned throughout our relationship, and our break up. I am no longer that naive, innocent, wide eyed girl.

But I know what it was like to be in love. And I also know what it's like to have my heart broken. Perhaps the memories are all that really exist.

I know that I could have responded with something that was impersonal. However, I decided to give him a glimpse into my life. And I didn't ask him a question so he could chose to respond however he chooses to.

from: Des
to: Almond
date: Mon, Dec 29, 2008 at 4:39 PM
subject: Re: Merry Christmas

Hey Almond,

Thanks for the Christmas wishes. I hope you had a nice Christmas with your family. It was nice seeing you again, as well.

I'm not sure if your holiday has ended yet, mine were pretty short. I guess that comes with being a grown up :P. I'm still juggling this post graduation-work reality. I hope you are doing well.

All the best in the new year!

Des

All I know is that, Almond is in the past. He was a huge part of my past, but that is where he belongs. He helped me become the person I am today, and I am grateful. I know that I was a big part of his life, too, and I am glad that in the time we had together, we were able to make each other happy.

2 years...

2008-12-22T20:01:00.004-05:00

That's pretty much how long it's been since I've last had sex. Actually, I'm not sure if last night counted. We had a little mal-function.

So there is a part of me that believes that Cinderella's god mother really existed, and that she and her prince lived happily ever after. And, as I grow older, I feel as though that part of me gets smaller and smaller. Things aren't simple any more and compromises are made. And sometimes, our minds live in the fairy tale land, but in the real world, we're making compromises more than we would like. I'm referring to my tough times with Almond.

For instance, I used to think that sex was something that was out of this world. It wasn't just sex, but it was making love. To the person that you love more than anything in this world.

To be honest with myself, most of the time, I just wanted to have sex with Almond because it felt good, not because I wanted to be taken to another galaxy or something. That's not to say that I didn't care about Almond.

Last night, I just wanted to get laid. LeBlanc and I have been having some heavy make out sessions, and it's crossed my mind a few times. I loved the feeling of his lips on my body. I hadn't wanted anyone to kiss me like that in a while.

I think a part of me, is starting to like what we have. As undefined, and random as it is. I was so afraid to have any expectation, because I feel that the consequences are two fold. 1) I might get dissappointed and more importantly, 2) There might be some expectation of me to feel a certain way, and I'm not sure if I can or am ready to feel that much, yet.

And yet, I am starting to have expectations. LeBlanc said that he would visit me this Friday. Unfortunately, there was a snow storm, and he couldn't make it. It wasn't his fault, and it would have been crazy to come up, but I couldn't help but feel a tinge sadness - wishing he was here. Then, I had wanted him to come up on the Saturday or Sunday. And, he did.

We watched a movie and ate my left overs. It was nice just snuggling on the couch and watching "Lars and the Real Girl."

After the movie, we made our way to my room.

Most of me is perfectly fine with what happened between us. Blame it on hormones, horniness, or just instincts. Another part of me is questioning myself, shouldn't he be your boyfriend to do stuff like that?

But I know that if we had established the whole "boyfriend / girlfriend" status, it wouldn't really make things easier. I would still have my baggage and fear of committing to something that might not feel right. LeBlanc would still be the carefree guy, and I would rather have a moment be just what it is, without having to justify it.

Though we did have some talking last night. That was the first time that LeBlanc and I talked about our past relationships, and thoughts. He told me that he's really nervous around me, partly because he was afraid he wasn't witty enough (yay! he appreciates my smart aleck remarks!).

He told me that he thought I was really rational and not too emotional, which he found kinda mysterious. (There may be some lines lost in translation since we were both on the brink of sleep and still mumbling about.) I told him that as cliche as it sounded, I was once a terribly emotionaly person. But after getting hurt, I learned to take care of myself more, and sometimes that meant that my emotions aren't seen. Sometimes, things are easier to deal with that way. But it didn't mean that I didn't have them.

Then he tells me that sometimes it's ok to let go.

Wow. This sounds like a really cliched conversation.

A part of me, is glad that I was able to be honest. With both myself and LeBlanc. I can't help but feel what I feel. At the same time, I can't help it if I'm not feeling something.

Just Hanging Out... in Ottawa

2008-12-08T20:39:00.003-05:00

I took a little weekend get away to Ottawa this weekend to visit my baby sister. Ok, she's 19, and not a baby, but still.

It was so damn cold!!! I'm talking about minus 15 degrees Celsius - which is about 7 degrees Fahrenheit. With the windchill it was almost 10 degrees colder. (I'm complaining so much, you'd think that I just immigrated from Southeast Asia...)

Anyway, we hung out and I realized how special the time we shared really was. Even though we were essentially doing nothing special. We cooked dinner, watched a movie. Talked about Law and Order episodes we've seen (more so me, than her), and then fell asleep. We walked around downtown Ottawa and ducked into coffee shops and other heated shelters. Browsed used bookstores and ate Beavertails - yummm! We hit the gym together, then pigged out on desserts afterwards. The usual.

We eventually made our way to a Second Cup and ordered some lattes as we chatted about life. Boys. School. The lattes were frankly disgusting, but our conversation was great. Here was my little sister and I talking about anything and everything. And I realize how really rare a moment like this is in the last 4 months.

It makes me think back to the time that we were kids, and how easy life was back then. It makes me think that what we had back then - was all the time in the world, and we didn't even know it. It's both beautiful and a little sad.

But it also makes me feel so grateful that we have grown so close. That I can tell her things that I might not be able to tell other people, and know that she's not judging me. It's kind of comforting knowing that we have similar fears, and I feel like we are facing them together, by sharing how we feel about them.

I feel that as I get older, there are fewer people who really matter to me. My family, has become all the more important to me. Especially in the past year. I'm not sure where I would be without them.

It is what it is...

2008-12-04T20:42:00.006-05:00

I'm sitting here watching the latest episode of Ugly Betty, and sometimes, she reminds me so much of myself. The part of her that's responsible and serious. Sometimes, I think that I'm just too serious and responsible.

I know it's cliche, but I guess a part of me if going through some kind of quarter life crisis. Maybe crisis is a bit of a strong word. I guess I've been working full time for about 6 months. I feel like I don't really know anything. That my time is being billed to projects that I really don't know that much about. I guess I need to learn to ask for help more.

I come home and I'm tired, and most of the time, I don't feel like doing much. In fact, I'm so afraid that I'm just going to be coming home, eating and sleeping. Gah!! That's why I need to keep doing sports -- but my last soccer game is next Wednesday, and that's it. Until next season starts in January.

I understand why people gain weight so easily. It didn't really happen to me in university, and I don't want it to happen to me now. That should be motivation enough to get out and do things. And yet, it's so easy to stay in.

A part of me is questioning -- is this it?!

Sometimes I feel like I know what I don't want, and don't really know what I want. I feel like I had done all the right things. I've always acted smart and responsibly, and now I'm wondering where it got me. I never did drugs, never even smoked a cigarette, always got good grades, finished at the top of my class in high school, had a boyfriend who was a good guy, finished my degree in engineering, traveled in my undergrad to places I never knew existed, have a good job.

Now what?

Should there be more? Or should I be happier? I feel like I am in such a great place in my life right now, but I don't really know how to enjoy it. I feel like it should feel different. And I really feel scared. And confused.

It's like I always knew what the next step was. After high school, it was university. After university it was work. And now that I'm here, I'm not sure if this is really where I want to be for the rest of my life. Which is the really scary part. I think that I can be happy right now, but I'm kinda worried about being happy forever here.

Which I guess, is silly. Now that I'm writing it out.

I think that a part of me is exploring that part with LeBlanc. The "before" Des does not do stuff like have slumber parties with guys that I just started seeing. That Des does not allow him to touch me. That Des usually plays it safe until she eventually gets bored cuz there is no excitement. Or maybe it's just cuz I haven't met someone who excites me, yet.

I'm not sure how I feel about LeBlanc. A part of me likes parts of him. Who can really complain when he's such a great kisser? Another part of me likes our random talks walking back from the movies or from dinner. Another part of me is drawn to his care-free persona because that means that I don't have to feel like I'm tied down, or that I have to have things figured out.

A part of me is scared that I might start expecting more or want this to go farther than what it is now. LeBlanc is not exactly Mr. Commitment. And even though, I can't call myself Ms. Commitment.

I just don't want to be disappointed.

A part of me feels like I'm being the carefree, careless person that I wasn't when I was in high school or university. When I think about it (which isn't really too hard for me to do), I question what kind of a message I am sending him.

It's probably not a really good one. But then, LeBlanc is one of the least judgmental people I know. I hope he hasn't judged me too much.

He asked me to go to his work Christmas party next week.

I'm not exactly sure what's going on, still. But I think I'm ok with that for now. Defining something doesn't change how I do or don't feel about a situation. I think I'm just going to go with it for now. At least, try to, anyway.

me: So. I'm not sure exactly what we are or not, and that's why I'm confused. I usually like to have things clearly defined. And I believe that is not us.

LeBlanc: Would you prefer to define this?

me: Um... I'm not sure if that makes it easier or if that helps. I like how things are now. I don't like to have expectations because it just makes things complicated.

LeBlanc: What sort of expectations would you have?

me: I don't know. I like hanging out with you. Believe it or not, I don't usually have slumber parties at my guy friends' houses. I'm kinda confused at my actions.

LeBlanc: Well, we aren't exactly just friends.

me: I know. I don't know what we are. I like hanging out with you, and I like certain aspects of you. But I don't want to ruin it by having expectations.

LeBlanc: What kind of expectations would you have?

me: I'm not sure. Would this be a regular occurrence? This once a week thing. Phone calls. I don't know. I'm not even sure if I can talk to you on the phone, you talk so slow. You might put me to sleep, or I might bore you.

LeBlanc: I think I like this once a week thing. I would like to continue it. The phone. I can do phone calls. I would let you know if you were boring me.

me: Thanks. Thanks for letting me know that.

LeBlanc: What I meant was that I wouldn't do it if I didn't like it. I would let you know.

me: Oh.

LeBlanc: What kind of expectations did you have of me before?

me: Honestly?

LeBlanc: Yes.

me: Ok. Don't take this the wrong way. They weren't very high. I kinda have this expectation for you. You -- in the general sense. General sense, meaning, like my guy friends. And half the times, they don't keep their plans. It's just too much work to get angry when they cancel, that I just don't expect them really keep them. I know they don't mean to disappoint, and I don't like to get mad. So it's kinda a win-win situation.

LeBlanc: So you had some low expectations of me?

me: Not you per se. You in the general sense. Please don't take it the wrong way.

LeBlanc: What kind of expectations do you have of me now?

me: I'm not sure.

I don't think we figured much out that talk. I told him what was on my mind, and I'm glad that we talked about it. I don't really like to have things weigh on me, and it helped me realize a couple of things. One of them being that I can talk to LeBlanc and he's a pretty good listener to my mumble jumble.

Things seem to be a bit awkward the next morning. He doesn't hold my hand, and then, I'm not so sure that this really is going anywhere. Or if it can.

The subway was a short ride. At his stop, we part ways.

me: So. Are you going to tell me what to expect? I don't like surprises.

LeBlanc: I.... I think that we're going to be ok, Des.

me: Huh?! What's that mean?

LeBlanc: I think that it's ok to have higher expectations.

Then he kissed me goodbye.

So, I'm supposed to let him know about his Christmas dinner next weekend. He's staying in Calgary this weekend, and I'm heading out to Ottawa to visit my sister.

LeBlanc: Do you want to come with me to my work's Christmas party?

me: Ummm. Isn't it a 60's theme? I don't have an afro.

LeBlanc: That's ok.

me: I think I'm supposed to go home. Can I let you know later?

LeBlanc: Sure.

me: So, I'm going to recycle a line that you used.

LeBlanc: What's that?

me: 'So, I didn't make you feel so awkward that you never want to see me, again?'

LeBlanc: I said that?!

me: Yep.

LeBlanc: And what was your response.

me: I think I said, "okay..."

LeBlanc: That's a good answer.

me: Good night.

I'm not sure why I like to re-write parts of our conversations. Maybe I just like reading them :)

I think I'm okay.

Do I Have to Know How I Feel?

2008-11-28T07:58:00.003-05:00

LeBlanc and I went out. It was a really nice steak house. Quite fancy and romantic, actually. Which is not how LeBlanc is (from what I know of him).

LeBlanc: So I didn't make you feel so awkward that you don't ever want to see me, again?

me: I guess not. Anyway, I owe you dinner. I got this one.

LeBlanc: No, no. I got this one.

me: You got it last time. I got this one.

LeBlanc: Trust me. You will change your mind once you see the menu. I'll make a deal with you. I'll get this one, but you'll have to go out with me, again.

me: That's not fair!

I look at the menu.

me: OK. You can get this one.

LeBlanc: I've been plotting to get you to go out for dinner with me here ever since I came here with work. Now, my plot has succeeded.

me: Why didn't you just ask if I wanted to for steak the first time?

LeBlanc: Because you wanted Indian food. Trust me, this steak is really good. Probably one of the best steaks I've had in my life.

Dinner was good. I think LeBlanc has having a steak-gasm.

I was heading up to Waterloo to visit my sister last weekend. There was a bus that left at 9:30pm and one that left at 11:30pm. I told LeBlanc my first bus time.

After dinner we went and sat in the lobby. We were both full and tired.

I'm not sure if it's the buzz from the wine. Or maybe something else.

We got to talking. He started playing with my hand and holding my hand.

me: I actually have another bus at 11:30pm that I can take. But you'll have to entertain me until then.

LeBlanc: I can do that.

...............

A couple things have happened in between. I'm not sure what it is that's going on. Which confuses me. I like to have things clearly defined. And this is clearly not defined.

What I know.

I liked kissing him.

To be continued.....

Is it true...?

2008-11-20T22:10:00.007-05:00

I once heard that guys tease you because they like you. I'm wondering if there is any truth to that.

Which brings me to this story I'd like to share. It's about LeBlanc.

One night, during my exchange term in Singapore, a group of us decide to hit up an all-you-can-eat sushi bar downtown. Now, I'm a huge foodie, so when I do all-you-can-eat, I don't hold back. I wore my empire waist shirt (which could hide all the food in the world!).

After dinner, LeBlanc teases me about my shirt.

LeBlanc: So, Des, when is the baby due?

me: Haha. Very funny. I wore this shirt, so I can eat as much as I want without anything showing.

LeBlanc: So, is it a girl or a boy?

This goes on for the duration of the night. Alternating between his two great lines. It was St. Pattie's day, so we hit up a bar. The teasing continues all night. By the end of it, I was tired of it, and kinda pissed.

me: Alright, already. Give it a rest. What do you know about style anyway, you're in engineering.

LeBlanc: Hey, I take offense to that. I think I look very stylish in my fake LaCoste shirts.

I shoot daggers.

The next week, the same group of us goes out for chili crab. (Oh, what I would do for a plate of chili crab right now....Yummm) Anyway, back to the topic. LeBlanc apologizes.

LeBlanc: Des, I'm really sorry. I think I went over board with the teasing last week. I feel terrible.

me: Yea, you should. You made fun of me all night. All. Night. I don't like being called pregnant. No girl every does, believe it or not. Unless she is in fact, pregnant.

LeBlanc: I know, I know. I'm sorry. I felt so bad, I got you a sorry gift.

me: You did? Oh, you didn't have to.

(Now I feel bad because I think that he thinks that I can't take a joke.)

LeBlanc: No, really. It's just a little something.

me: Really? What did you get me?

LeBlanc: It's a surprise. I'll give it to you after dinner.

me: Uh. OK.

After dinner, LeBlanc hands me a bag. I look inside.

It's a pair of baby mitts. The. Nerve. I hurl the mitts at him.

LeBlanc: It's for the baby. It might get cold when it's back in Canada.

--------------------------------
I never thought much of it, though it's a funny story I like to tell when people ask me why I carry my cell phone in a baby mitt. Just thought it might be a nice story to share.

On another note, I'm supposed to have dinner with LeBlanc, tomorrow. I'm still uncertain if we will meet up. I talked about his lack of dependability here. He's been in Calgary most of the week for work, but is supposed to be coming back from Calgary tonight. We'll see.

Like I said, I Overthink....

2008-11-15T16:23:00.006-05:00

So, in this post, I talked about how I would over think.

At least I have a great support system that lets me know when I'm doing this.

One of my friends, LeBlanc, asked if I would like to go out for dinner this Friday. LeBlanc and I have been friends since Singapore, where we both did exchange. He's a great guy, really nice, except that he is quite undependable. He's the type of guy who is always late, and likes to change plans last minute.

Anyway, we've met up a few weeks ago for dinner (just as friends) and I invited him to my housewarming last weekend. He surprised everyone by showing up, and bringing chili. (We have some common friends, and we all knew of his carefree persona).

I get an email from LeBlanc on earlier on the week asking if I wanted to go out for dinner. I didn't think much of it, though it did catch me by surprise. The only thing I was afraid of, was if I made it downtown, and he changed his plans last minute, or if he would have to work.

So after he convinced me that, no, he wasn't going to change his plans last minute, and gave me free reins for the choice of food, I agreed.

We went out for Indian food here. Really good food. And we polished off two bottles of Reisling. After way too much food, we went on a search for dessert. At first, we were deciding between ice cream and cakes. Then we decided on crepes. Unfortunately, the crepe place was packed. So we end up at Starbucks, and we split a brownie.

It just so happened to be the opening weekend of the Art Gallery of Ontario. After debating whether the structural frame was made of wood or steel, we decided to take a quick peek inside. At this point, we're both really tired, and I'm afraid I might miss my last bus home, if I catch the subway. He says I can stay at his place, he'll sleep on the couch.

Right.

We just chilled at his place. Looking through random pictures in Facebook. He showed me the garage that him and his family built, and some pictures he printed out from traveling. He starts massaging my neck and shoulders, and it felt nice. He played with my hair and traced my arms to my fingers. Who would have thunk that my friend, LeBlanc, was actually a big teddy bear (?).

He starts to tickle me and pulls me over to his bed.

LeBlanc: I want to find out if you're ticklish everywhere.

I wanted to be tickled by him. It was only last week that I thought he was really cute, when he had this kinda mischievous smile (in all the time that I've known him). So, I said the first thing that came into my mind.

Me: I have to pee.

LeBlanc laughs.

LeBlanc: Alright, we'll resume after. (Or something to that effect.)

I come back. We look through some more Facebook photos. He turns around and picks me up, drops me on his bed, and the tickling starts. Have I mentioned how I like to be tickled. And he's ticklish, too.

There's a moment when he looks at me, and I really wanted him to kiss me. And he did. It was a nice kiss, and I kiss him back. It went on for a while, and I liked it. I didn't want it to go further though, and told him so.

LeBlanc: What did you think when I asked if you wanted to go for dinner?

Me: I thought you wanted to go for food.

LeBlanc: I wanted to ask you for a while, now. I'm not really good at this dating... thing. That's what I do sometimes, when I try to initiate things. And by sometimes, I mean never.

Me: Really? Did you expect this to happen?

LeBlanc: No. Until it did. Did you?

Me: No. I figured I'd just kinda go with it.

LeBlanc: Well, I'm glad you're open to ambiguity. I had a good time tonight.

Me: Me, too.

LeBlanc: Goodnight.

Me: Goodnight.

We go to sleep. I wish I could say that I slept.

The next morning was kinda awkward. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to leave, or wait for him to get up. I hate it when I think about things. I started thinking, "Oh shit. And I was sobered up when we were making out. I didn't even think that I liked him as more than a friend."

We go for breakfast. It was a little awkward.

LeBlanc: So, I'm not sure if I confused you last night. But I had fun, and I would like to do it again, if you're up for it.

Me: Is this weird? Were you drunk last night?

LeBlanc: No, I wasn't drunk.

Me: Niether was I.

LeBlanc: Maybe this will make things clearer.

He leans in and kisses me. Which is kinda awkward because it caught me off-guard and I didn't really kiss him back.

LeBlanc: Ok. That was a bit awkward. I know I'm not big on committment, but if I would like to go for dinner, again, sometime, if you want to. You don't have to tell me now.

Me: Ok.

I come home and and pass out and get up 4PM. Then, I call my sister and write this post.

I had a lot of fun. I was just thinking about it too much after the fact. I was thinking way too far, ahead and making a big deal of nothing. I was scared because I wasn't sure if I was ready for anything. I just thought way too much and lost sight of this.

We both had a good time. Maybe we'll do it sometime, again. And then, go from there.

Exhale. Now I am not going to think about, and what better way than to watch McHotsalot on Made of Honour.