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Check out PQ Talking Photo

2007-12-01T00:14:00.000-06:00

iTunes iMix - Sketch Comedy

2007-05-05T12:03:00.000-05:00

Black Hole Breathes Out Enormous Gas Cloud

2007-04-21T12:59:00.000-05:00

Click here for the story

Insert your own joke here.

Saturday, April 14th Morning Recap: LAB Pace Run

2007-04-17T18:34:00.000-05:00

Saturday, April 14th
6:00am Pace Run

I’ve heard about the LAB route, but I’ve never run it. It’s a 3.5 mile loop in North Central Austin that follows Great Northern, White Rock and Shoal Creek Road. While it seems relatively flat, there are definitely some subtle climbs that sneak up on your heart rate when you least expect it.

My “A” Race right now is the North Trails Half Marathon in Dallas on May 20th. It’s the primary focus of my speed work these days. I’d love to run this Half-Marathon in 1hr32 or 1hr33min. That’s a 7:00-7:10 min pace per mile. Brisk for me, but I believe achievable.

My first pace test was set for Saturday morning on the LAB loop. My goal was to run the first 3 miles as a warm up and run the last 7 miles between 7:00-7:15 pace. Amy and I met Erine and Thon at our “race start.” Even though it’s a training run, we were treating it like a race. We set out our own water stops and lined up Gatorade along our tailgates. Erine and Thon are training for Grandma’s Marathon and were actually doing a 21 mile run—yikes! They were running 6 LAB loops to my 3 loops.

So, we all started together for our warm up lap. The first three miles were used to just get comfortable. Of course, I accidentally deleted all of my splits from this run, but I believe they were like a 9:20, 8:40 and then 8:20 pace. Erine had taken off after 2 warm up miles. I decided I was going to go for it. Amy and Thon weren’t sure they wanted to push the pace that fast.

Mile 4: 7:10
Mile 5: 6:44
Mile 6: 6:58
Mile 7: 7:42 (water stop)
Mile 8: 6:49
Mile 9: 7:16
Mile 10: 7:10

After my watched beeped at 10 miles, I used the last half mile back to the car as a cool down. Needless to say, I was absolutely thrilled at the effort. While it definitely difficult, I felt strong even when we were fighting the head wind on this very breezy morning. I never felt like I had to stop or slow down. Plus, my legs were feeling strong the entire time. While I felt good, I don’t think I could’ve pulled another 3 miles out at that pace. Interesting that I feel that way because I’m going to attempt a 10 mile pace run in two weeks.

PECANS FOR EVERYONE!

2006-08-05T18:23:00.000-05:00

The 9th episode of "Gag Reflex Comedy Theater of the Air," PECANS, is now available for download. Originally broadcast in 2000 on Live365.com internet radio, this half hour episode includes: Father To Son, Please Hold, Guttenberg, Ashtray, Last Boy Picked, We're Crazy!!, This Song Will Go On, Mariachis Del Agua, Lee's Surrender To Grant, Pets! and The Man from Space.

If your podcast client supports it, this episode will show still pictures during the 'cast and even allow you to skip back and forth between sketches. Technology marches on!

Click RIGHT HERE to go to our iTunes Music Store page and download or subscribe.

Don't have iTunes? Just copy and paste the following url into your podcasting client:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/grctota

Need iTunes? It's FREE for PC and Mac!
Click HERE to download it.

NEW PODCAST EPISODE ONLINE!

2006-05-16T12:24:00.000-05:00

The 8th episode of "Gag Reflex Comedy Theater of the Air," DAMN YOU KIM VESSEL!, is now available for download. Originally broadcast in 2000 on Live365.com internet radio, this half hour episode includes: Honey Bunches Of Oats, Not That Blouse, Full Seminary Jacket, Italian Love Song, Bulge Builder, Captain Blood, Sports Fan Gripes (Commentary Version), Chatterstop, Worriers Anonymous.

If your podcast client supports it, this episode will show still pictures during the 'cast and even allow you to skip back and forth between sketches. Technology marches on!

Click RIGHT HERE to go to our iTunes Music Store page and download or subscribe.

Don't have iTunes? Just copy and paste the following url into your podcasting client:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/grctota

Need iTunes? It's FREE for PC and Mac!
Click HERE to download it.

MARXIST

2006-05-14T12:21:00.000-05:00

Little-known Marx Brothers:
GRILLO. He handled the cooking for the group when they were at home.
ZIPPO. Helped Grillo with the cooking.
BLOTTO. The Marx brother with a drinking problem.
STERNO. He also helped Grillo with the cooking.
TECHNO. Spoke in an annoyingly repetitive, monotonous tone.
ONO. The Marx Brother who broke up The Beatles.

Do you know of more little-known Marx Brothers? Post their names and descriptions by clicking the "COMMENTS" button below.

THE NOSE KNOWS

2006-05-13T12:03:00.000-05:00

This lady in front of me at Target this morning had the BIGGEST NOSTRILS I'VE EVER SEEN.

MY GOD.

Otherwise attractive, it looked like she had two giant inverted cones shoved into the center of her face, those holes were so big. They were "I smell dead people" big.

She was with a man. They were buying Target gew-gaws but not so subtley mocking the idea of getting a Target Card. GINORMOUS NOSTRIL WOMAN joked that by the time a credit card bill came in, they would be married. "This is what you're in for, get used to it," she joked to her fiancee.

That's right pal, for the rest of your life, this woman is going to smell every single thing you do, say, feel or think.

Get used to it, indeed.

HEY, NOW -- YOU'RE AN ...

2006-05-02T20:42:00.000-05:00

I went to my son's play tonight and, at one point, I had to use the restroom.

There I am, standing over the midget urinal, when I look down and notice one of those plastic "screens" in there. What's that thing for? Sneeze guard? I dunno ... it seems like it's specially engineered to splash the maximum amount of urine back onto my pants. Sometimes they have those big, pink mints inside them and then it makes sense -- they're big, pink mint holders. But not this time, this was just like a blue, plastic doily.

Anyway, there's a logo on this thing: it reads, "ALL-STAR."

Man, it takes some special kind of self-delusion to market a urinal doily and call it the "ALL-STAR" and not "THE PISS-SPLASHER 5000" or something like that.

"THE ALL-STAR."

Really?

So, I'm wondering ... how's that gotta' make somebody like Reggie Jackson feel?

THE HILLS ARE ALIVE!

2006-05-02T18:02:00.000-05:00

… with the sound of Roiling.

That's right -- Dino and Joe edited the footage we shot about a year ago for the short "Roiling Hills" video. You can find versions to watch online or dowload to your iPod/iTunes in the VIDEO OF THE WEEK slot in the top right hand corner of THIS PAGE.

TV GUIDE ...

2006-04-29T11:35:00.000-05:00

... had a listing that read:

"Rosie O'Donnell on Carson Daly."

Okay, thanks for putting that picture in my head.

"I'M THE DECIDER."

2006-04-24T13:46:00.000-05:00

Umm, no, you're not.

I'm the American voter. I'M the "Decider," asswipe.

See you in November.

New highly-charged political merchandise up at the Gag Reflex Austin store. Check it out here:

SWAGPLANET AUSTIN

D.C.

2006-04-13T00:29:00.000-05:00

Here's a little site I threw together about Gag Reflex Austin's clusterf**k trip to our nation's capitol. It's not really funny, but it wasn't meant to be. It's just a chronicle I created when I was very amazingly tired after arriving home.

The site.

MAN’S TODDLER SON WANDERS INTO STRIP CLUB

2006-03-22T11:51:00.000-06:00

   TULSA, Okla. (AP) - A Kansas man was arrested at a Tulsa strip club after police say his toddler son wandered from an unlocked car into the club over the weekend.
   Christopher Greg Killion, 31, was arrested Saturday on a complaint of "encouraging a minor child to be in need of supervision." He posted $500 bond and was released from the Tulsa Jail.
   The toddler told police that his father told him to stay in the car, and that if he left it, "monsters would eat him," reports indicate.
   A manager at the club had called police to report that about 30 minutes after Killion entered the club, a 3- to 4-year-old boy came inside looking for his father.
   Officers determined that the boy had been left alone in a car in the strip club's parking lot. The car was unlocked and parked about 20 feet from a four-lane street. It was raining and 45 degrees outside at the time, an officer noted in the police report.

Seven Signs Your Toddler Frequents Strip Clubs
7. Asks where the "pole" is in sister's Barbie Dream House
6. Renewed interest in breast feeding
5. Keeps requesting the $2.50 Steak & Fries special at feeding time
4. When you change his diaper, he stuffs a twenty into your pants
3. Constantly talks about "The Wiggles," but you don't own a TV
2. Wants to attend the "Daddy-Daughter Table Dance"

And The Number One Sign Your Toddler Frequents Strip Clubs:
1. Keeps asking mommy to sit on his lap

WATCH OUT FOR FALLING BULLSHIT

2006-03-11T10:12:00.000-06:00

Okay. I wake up this morning, log in on the web and the first thing I see is "Hilary Clinton Quiet About Wal-Mart Ties". So I read the article, and I think "ummm....so what?" And then I think "So the campaign to derail her possible Prez bid has already started...and this is the best they can do?"

If you're not familiar with the story, it is simply the fact that Wal-Mart is being attacked about it's labor practices and wages (like THAT'S new) by Wal-Mart activists, mostly Democrats and Hillary has gone quiet about her time serving on the board (which, incidentally, ended in 1992). Here are some of the facts from the article:

Throughout the 1980s, both Bill and Hillary Clinton nurtured relationships with Walton, a conservative Republican and by far Arkansas' most influential businessman.

Among other things, Hillary Clinton sought Walton's help in 1983 for Bill Clinton's so-called Blue Ribbon Commission on Education, a major effort to improve Arkansas' troubled public schools. The overhaul became a centerpiece of Clinton's governorship.

And Wal-Mart's Made in America campaign, which for years touted the company's sales of American products in its stores, was launched after Bill Clinton persuaded Walton to help save 200 jobs at an Arkansas shirt manufacturing plant. The Made in America campaign has virtually vanished in recent years, as the company's manufacturing has gradually moved overseas - another point of criticism by many anti-Wal-Mart activists.

The Clintons also benefited financially from Wal-Mart. Hillary Clinton was paid $18,000 each year she served on the board, plus $1,500 for each meeting she attended. By 1993 she had accumulated at least $100,000 in Wal-Mart stock, according to Bill Clinton's federal financial disclosure that year. The Clintons also flew for free on Wal-Mart corporate planes 14 times in 1990 and 1991 in preparation for Bill Clinton's 1992 presidential bid.

So, my question is this... CAN WE GET SOME FUCKING PERSPECTIVE?!?! Regardless of whether you are a Clinton fan or not or a Wal-Mart fan or not - this is stupid. Is this really going to be the flashpoint issue if she runs? I want you to read the article snippet again and I want you to notice a few things: 1) Some of the language the "journalist" uses - "so-called Blue Ribbon Commission", "benefited financially" (I'm just saying). 2) It does look like Bill and Hillary attempted to use her position to do some good for the state - those bastards 3) The phrase "according to Bill Clinton's federal financial disclosure that year " - Look everybody! A politician who feels that they need to disclose something. 4) And, let's be honest, the "benefited financially" charge next to the number $18,000 just looks silly.

The article also says this: "But in recent months, as the company has become a target for Democratic activists, she has largely steered clear of any mention of Wal-Mart. And late last year, Clinton's re-election campaign returned a $5,000 contribution from Wal-Mart, citing "serious differences with current company practices." It's pretty obvious that Bill and Hillary had a relationship with Sam Walton and she is not happy with they way things have been going since he died. And they gave the money back. That shows some integrity, at least in my eyes - but I never finished college.

Hmmm... Wal-Mart - Haliburton - Wal-Mart - Haliburton - Wal-Mart - Enron COME ON!!! What the fuck?! Are they serious? The lies, the corruption, the blood, the indictments, the civil rights, the prisoners and the inaction in the face of a natural disaster - and I'm supposed to equate Clinton's time at Wal-Mart with that?!

You hear that? That's the sound of desperation. Every day that passes The Bush Administration is pulling the entire Republican party into a deep dark suck hole and they are clawing at the walls. I hope...actually I pray that I'm not overstating this. But you watch. Mark my blog. Bush will mention this stupid Wal-Mart thing as a way to deflect another question. But it's a two edged sword. In order to do that, he needs to side with those democrats who are against Wal-Mart - which, let's face it, is the preferred destination of much of his voter base. I'm not slamming Wal-Mart or their customers. But there is an undeniable link between blindly patriotic, Larry the Cable Guy loving , working class shoppers looking to get what they need for the family at prices they can afford and the "the funny talking brown people want us dead - they hate us - you need my protection" bullshit that got Bush elected.

I am not one of those comedians who is going to talk about Wal-Mart as white trash heaven. Mostly because I don't think it's true. My family shops at Wal-Mart. I'm working class. My wife is employed at Wal-Mart - in fact they hired her when she needed a job desperately and McDonald's had turned her down because she had a degree. But I am aware of how it's destroying "Main Street" America. I am under no illusions. Wally and I have a love hate relationship. So, I'm not going to go on and on about the people that shop there. So, please don't take it that way. But there is an undeniable demographic that Wal-Mart has cornered and fostered. So it will be interesting to see how George and his puppeteers...I mean team... walk this razor.

Any way, we all know that Farm and Fleet is white trash heaven.

A PHILOSOPHICAL MOMENT FROM A GUY WHO WRITES A LOT OF TOILET HUMOR

2006-02-19T10:24:00.000-06:00

The road stretched out a head of me, dissolving into the blackness on the edges of the light thrown by my car. Dark Illinois farmland was all around me with only the lonely lights of distant farms keeping me company. From my radio "Hot Lips" Page shouted and trumpeted at me and Buddy Johnson stomped at the Savoy in the heart of 40's Harlem, slipping in and out of static the further I got from the city. My mind was still buzzing from the pair of evenings I had just had and the lingering taste of late night pub food hung in my mouth. I was serene, at peace and despite the icy air whipping past my car outside, the ride felt like a warm, soft, well-deserved pillow.

If you ever ask me why I work so hard with Gag Reflex, this is what I would attempt to explain to you. I am never more calm or at peace than I am after a good show. And they're nearly all good. The only other times I ever felt like this was when I was younger and I was driving home after a night with someone I was falling in love with. Hovering somewhere between the afterglow and the anticipation.

So, yeah, the opening weekend of BROKEBACK STEAKHOUSE went great. The audiences loved it and laughed and applauded to let us know. The best part was that I got to stand on stage and act goofy with my best friends in the whole world. Sure, we fight and bicker and have our feelings hurt in the lead up to any show, that's probably because we're more like siblings than anything (and I was never the greatest brother, honestly). But in the end it seems that a lot of that washes away and the audience can feel that we loving doing what we do and love doing it together. And they respond to that as much the writing and the performance. You can have the tightest, funniest material in the world and the best performers saying the words... if there's no chemistry - it will never do as well as it could. You want to know why audiences always loved it when the cast of Carol Burnett cracked each other up? Because the got to look into that love. You can see that Conway and Korman were best friends. I'm not saying go out there and deliberately crack other cast members up and break character all the time... (I'm looking at YOU Jimmy Fallon!!) you CAN'T force that. That's just sloppy. So don't try. But when it happens, organically and for real... enjoy it with the audience. It's the only time you're all laughing at the same thing.

So anyway, what I'm trying to say is, I get to fall in love again next weekend. Twice. And that's pretty cool.

OPENING NIGHT RECALL

2006-02-18T01:03:00.000-06:00

So, some of you may have found our other blogs and stuff, but that doesn't mean we're neglecting the main page. Those are kind of superfluous anyway. We opened tonight in the Chicago suburbs to a very hospitable crowd. And again, probably 1/4 of the house were FOB's, but that doesn't negate the good time that was had by all. I must admit, I was pretty worried because 1/3 of the cast is/was pretty sickly and we had to siwtch some stuff around at the last minute. But it was all well-received for the most part and people had a good time. And that's what it's all about anyways, right? We probably filled 2/3 of the house. Not bad. Considering I never saw a single fucking thing in any newspaper. But I digress. I hope people had fun. They seemed to. They laughed and applauded and no one left at intermission. Can I just tell you how disheartening it is as a performer to have people leave at intermission never to return? You just want to cry in a corner, but the show must go on.

I'm rambling because I'm a wee bit intoxicated. But I just wanted to give a shout out to Austin for all of their support as well as to all of the fine folks who graced us with their presence tonight. I hope y'all had as much fun as we did.

XOXO

GET IT ON WITH HERB!

2006-02-07T00:11:00.000-06:00

NAME: Herb Michniewicz
OCCUPATION: Font Designer
AGE: 17 - 45
LIKES: Strong imported cheeses, the films of Oliver Platt, Supertramp, collecting vintage coasters, turkey jerky,Ft. Wayne Indiana in the late fall
DISLIKES: Toenails, "Carny Talk", Gravy, Inside The Actor's Studio, crochet plant hangers, digital clocks,lint

WONDER whether I'll ever "make my move"!

EXPERIENCE my fumbling attempts to remove your dainty under-things!

LISTEN to my heart beat uncontrollably at your merest touch!

RECOIL in horror at my at my shocked delight!

CATCH the elusive scent of my fear!

WITNESS my clumsy stabs at being sexy!

GAG on my slobbery tongue-thrusts!

FORGET that it ever happened!

Are you nostalgic for your youth? Yearn to recapture the elusive feelings of those first tentative, tender relationships? Then look no further. I'm Herb Michniewicz, and I've never felt the touch of a woman. Well, a woman outside my immediate family--and I mean that in a totally non-sexual way. You can be the woman to initiate me into the ways of sexual love.

Hope springs eternal in Peoria! I promise to pick you up, wherever you may live, in my Kia Sephia and whisk you away for an evening of long pauses in conversation and forced laughter. Afterward I we can feign interest in each other's stories as we wait for just the right moment. Then I will lurch at you like an epileptic, slamming my moist quivering lips into your cold, unresponsive ones!! After a wave of pity washes over you...we'll make sweet, sweet love!! Be gentle. I do practice most days out of the week but I lack "real world" experience.

BE MY HANDS-ON TRAINER!!

I am guaranteed to be disease free, apart from some random patches of eczema and a gastric condition. I've lived on my own for over 3 AND A HALF YEARS and I keep my "garden level" apartment spic-and-span. My mother can contact you to reassure you of my background . Other references and financial information available upon request.

Afterward you can feel free to ignore me and never return my calls. I can go on with the knowledge that somewhere, somehow Herb Michniewicz got some ass!!!

SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY!!!!

Contact Herb!!

TECHNICALLY CHALLENGED

2006-02-06T22:40:00.000-06:00

Can I still post and be in the group even though I don't have any cool video to stream or podcasts to post? I lost the rights to all of the porn I did in the 80's so I can't put that up here and nobody really wants to see that scary colonoscopy/endoscopy footage. If only I still had all of my phone sex tapes. Now those would make for funny podcasts...

GAG MARKETING

2006-02-02T11:48:00.000-06:00

Okay. So we have this "how do we market ourselves" push going on with the Chicago group. And we are trying and doing different things to get our name out there and into the mouths of the general public... heh that sounded dirty. Marea is spending a year with a reporter following her around checking to see if she's happy. I am working the MySpace.com angle. Lisa is working on getting us new business cards (that we will all put in the fishbowls for a free lunch). Our TV director Nathan is posting videos online. Flyers, posters, handbills, brochures. Viral, guerrilla, grassroots... whatever you want to call, we're either doing it or looking into it.

But Steve Lord takes the cake. This is so far out of the box and hilarious that I have to give my Geneva homeboy a shout out... Thanks to Steve Lord, Gag Reflex is adopting a road. It's not finalized but Lordo brought the contract with him to rehearsal last night. This is such a ridiculous idea that it's brilliant.

Gag Reflex will now be the caretakers of a stretch of Kesslinger Road between Randall and Peck. If you're not familiar with Geneva IL, this area has TONS of new housing developments, retail and a hospital. This isn't out in the country. This is suburbia at its finest.

This means that there will be a sign that says "This section of road has been adopted by GAG REFLEX" or something like that. And twice a year the group will head out in our little yellow vests and clean the road. Now... tell me we can't find a way to turn that into an opportunity to perform or at least promote.

Even if nothing comes of it, it can help people recognize the name Gag Reflex when they see it in the paper. That's what it's all about. And once again, as he has many times before, Steve Lord has proven that he truly is, was and ever shall be MR. GAG REFLEX.

TIME FOR SOME TOTALLY USELESS SOUND EFFECTS

2006-01-29T00:40:00.000-06:00

After many years the world is going to hear this old Gag Reflex project. But not in the original album form it was conceived in. No, it's heading to the web... and it will grow. Keep an eye on the Gag Chicago homepage. Until then... here's a little taste of what it's about:

Thumbs
Ample Pudding
Knuckle Pucking
Cutting Up Something Unpleasant

GAG AUSTIN IN LOCKHART THIS WEEKEND!

2006-01-23T22:31:00.000-06:00

THREE SHOWS ONLY!

If you missed this hysterical, sold-out show on New Year's Eve, here's your last chance to catch it!

Gag Reflex brings their award-winning brand of hilarious sketch comedy back to the Gaslight Theater in Lockhart the last weekend in January as they reprise "The Caucasian Comedy Explosion," hot off of two sold-out New Year's Eve performances in Austin.

"This show is a little different," says cast member Kelly Winn Frink. "In addition to some really funny new stuff, we’re digging deep into the archives and performing some really obscure, hilarious sketches we haven’t done in years."

"Plus, this show will be heavily musical and the songs are hysterical — always among our best, most popular bits, expertly performed," adds Dena Taylor, who sings most of the group’s songs.

The show won’t vary too wildly from the trademark random mix of silly, sexy and cerebral humor that has gained the ensemble a loyal following and critical acclaim (their recent "Charlie and the Non-Existent Chemical Weapons Factory" sold out a run at the Hyde Park Theatre and was an Austin Chronicle Pick, and the group took "Best of the Week" in the annual FronteraFest competition, leading the Austin American-Statesman to write, "Only beautifully sick minds can create twisted comedy like this.")

Sketch topics include office fridge cleaning, rabid mimes, Star Trek, pets, therapy and the "extreme" phenomenon. Laura Bush, the conservative takeover of PBS, diner-speak, Patsy Cline and the Avian Flu are among the subjects skewered in song.

In addition to Frink and Taylor, Gag Reflex Austin includes director Dale Roe, co-founder Joe Stafford, Carrie Sapp and newcomer Ryan Jeanes.

Reservations can be made by calling (512) 376-5653 or by emailing the Gaslight Theater by clicking here.

Costs: $10 Performance Only; $16 BBQ Dinner and Performance; Senior Citizen Ticket on Thursdays $5; Student Tickets are $6 with valid ID card.

More information and directions to the Gaslight can be found here.

CLIMB EVERY BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

2006-01-16T22:42:00.000-06:00

Howdeeeeee!

Gag Reflex (the Chicagoland edition) will soon be returning to The First Street Playhouse for a ten performance run of BROKEBACK STEAKHOUSE (or The Good, The Bad and The FABULOUS!!!).

Show dates are as follows:
February 17, 18, 24, 25,
March 24, 25
April 14,15, 21, 22
(All shows are $10 and start at 8pm)
To order tickets and get directions go to the First Street Playhouse website.

So what will be different about this show... well gawrsh, lotsa stuff. First of all, apart from some of the best sketches from our recent revue HAPPY SUNSHINE KILL YOU DIE (and maybe a song or two), none of the bits we're doing have been seen in years. That means no Night School, no Krispy Kremes, no $64,000 Rhetorical Question and no Stereotypes. We have jumped headfirst into the archives to pull out some really great, old stuff AND some classics that have been sadly absent. That means it's new for most of you. Second, because we have taken residency we are able to swap some sketches in and out each weekend. In other words, even if you come 3 times you're not going to get the exact same show. PLUS we are going to be peppering the shows with new material as well. That's right, brand new Gag Reflex sketches without having to wait for an all-new show.

Sheeeeeee-it! Sounds great. But wait, there's more! We are also booking road shows. Road shows?! That's freakin' right! Shows on the road! You mean Gag Reflex isn't happy just staying put at The First Street. Of course we are. We are cowboy buddy pumpin' happy about it. But we feel the call of the open road too. There's nothing better than strolling into an unsuspecting venue and crackin' their shit up!

So, if you want Gag at a venue near you, let the venue know. Tell them to go to http://www.bwatersmedia.com/gaginfo2.html and check us out. If you want Gag to stay as far away from you as possible... don't tell them. In fact you should stay away from most Illinois and Wisconsin truck stops while you're at it. You never know when you might run into a coffee addled Steve Lord browsing through the trucker comedy tapes.

See ya there domestic pardner!

SOMETHING ELSE WEIGHING ON MY MIND

2006-01-15T19:25:00.000-06:00

Yes, it's large enough to contain more than one thought. I'm not sure just how many more than one, but at least a few.

Anyway, did anyone happen to read the study published a few days ago by the NPD? Yes? No? Maybe? Well, in case you missed it, the general consensus of this study was to discover Americans attitude towards obesity. And the survey says: "Over a 20-year period, the percentage of Americans who said they find overweight people less attractive steadily dropped from 55 percent to 24 percent."

Now, here's what I want to know. Where are these 76%? Chicago was just ranked the fattest city in America according to Men's Fitness Magazine. And I live in the greater Chicago area. So why am I not getting laid on a regular basis? Is Chicago too fat and thus I'm the norm and not the exception and am therefore invisible and less attractive? Is the stereotype of "funny girl = unattractive girl" still considered to be true? Funny guys are sexy, why not funny girls? Or am I both unfunny and unattractive?

I just answered my own question back there, didn't I? If only I were as dumb as W, then the obvious would go right over my head, too. Ummm...Please excuse me while I go off to a small dark corner, curl up into a fetal position and weep far away from the evil bastion of too much information one can find on the internets. Nahh...Fuck that. I'm a Glamazon, damn it! And from one smart, sexy fat girl to another, I just want to say, Bon Voyage Shelley Winters. We're all skinny in the water and even skinnier once we've been underground for a while.

GOOD NEWS STEELERS, SAD NEWS BEARS

2006-01-15T19:10:00.000-06:00

I'm sure some of you were surprised to learn that a delicate flower such as myself is a football fan. It's true. In fact, I've been sitting around most of the afternoon worked up into an outright, almost rabid, frenzy. After watching the spectacular Steelers win over the Colts, I was all geared up to root for the Bears. When it suddenly dawned on me, if the Steelers win out and the Bears win out, I'm going to have to choose between my new home team (the Bears) and one of my old favorite teams (the Steelers). Now why it didn't occur to me to be concerned about this before now, I don't know. I guess some times the details escape my notice. (Of course, as I'm typing this, the Bears are desperately fighting to overcome an 8 point deficit with a little over 3 minutes remaining in the 4th.)

Don't get me wrong. I'm rooting for the home team right now and just as desperately hoping that they are able to spank the Panthers and compete for the NFC championship next week against Seattle. I'm not sure it's going to happen, though. I am glad, however, that these games have been early enough in the day/night that my neighbors have not felt the need to object to my very vocal enthusiasm and colorful language.

There's a point in here somewhere, if you'll indulge me for a bit and read further. (Damn! The Bears were just intercepted again.) So here's my quandry, in the very apparently unlikely event that the Bears make it to this year's Super Bowl and play against the Steelers, how do I know who to support? I've lived here 3 years and 3 weeks now, do I switch my allegiance to the home team or do I risk life & limb and cheer on the Steelers? (I've seen how vicious the local fans here can be, i.e. 2005 World Series Winners, the Chicago White Sox.) What's a girl to do? (This is a question for the future possibilities, presumably, because the Bears just burned their final time out, 2nd & 10 from their own 20 and 1:30 to go.)

Well, I know who I definitely WON'T be rooting for next week, the Pussies. Ooops. I mean, the Panthers. I'm truly sorry & disappointed that the Bears didn't win today, but there's always next season. And at least now, I can continue to cheer on the Steelers with a clear conscious and no fear of violent repercussions.