Hyatte

Ladies Love Cool Hy: The Early Years

2009-11-02T01:15:00.004-05:00

This year, I refused to give out treats of any kind to kids for Halloween.

This year, whenever they knocked on my door, and blare out, "TRICK OR TREAT!!", I'd stroke my chin and say, "Nah, no treats. I want a trick. I want to see what you little bastards can come up with!! TRICK!! TORTURE ME!! MAKE ME PAY, YOU LITTLE TOOLS!!"

Many of them cried. The more intelligent ones realizes their bluff had been called and walked away defeated but dry-eyed.

But no one egged my place. No toilet paper hit my trees. My car remained paint-free.

I made my stand the other night. I said no 5-10 year old was going to get one over on ME! Their little heads couldn't POSSIBLY come up with a "trick" to screw me over. I'd ALWAYS outwit them.

Hyatte 1 Halloween 0

Besides, all I had was apples and razor blades. And boy, you should've SEEN the look on the cashier's face when I had her rind those bad boys up at the supermarket. That was all I bought that day, apples and razorblades... and was singing Miley Cyrus.... very, very softly....

"the last time I freaked out, I just kept looking down, I st st stutering when you asked what I'm thinking 'bout, felt like I couldn't breath, you asked what's wrong with me, my best friend Leslie said 'oh, she's just being Miley.

"The next time we hang out, I will redeem myself, my heart can rest 'till then..."

Then I would SCREAM "WHOA WHO I!! I CAN'T WAIT, TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!!"

I need to stop doing my food and sundry shopping drunk.

Anyway, that was my Halloween. Plus me and the girlfriend watched us both "Kill Bill" movies. She's a fiend for female empowerment flicks.

******************************

Little tale from my past. There's a LITTLE punching up just to heighten the storytelling, but i swear to you, the following is all true.

1988. It was a time of Max Headroom and Micheal J Fox, and Lethal Weapon 2, Kirstie Alley on Cheers, and Jack as the Joker, and Moamar Quaddaffi, and the second half of Reagannomics, and "Just Say No", and Poison, and Bon Jovi, and the Crue, and Ratt, and the Scorpions, and young men all over the country wondering just when David Lee Roth would return to Van Halen...and hopes and dreams...

And your boy Hyatte with his STYLING 1980 puke green Monte Carlo. The dream car, the ride, the gift from his mother for good grades.

Unfortunately, my idea of good grades wasn't exactly my mother's. She gave me the car anyway. She had no choice, the auto shop where she had it kept brought it over because a big snowstorm was coming and he needed the room. THANKS MA!!!

High school was over, for good. Summer was here, and Hyatte had his crew. Nothing worth bragging about, just a bunch of geeks who knew each other's beats and had the same agenda in mind: let's have some fun before college, or the army, began. Let's party, drink, chow down, and have as much fun as this barren fucking state which was a few years from allowing 18 and over crowds into the clubs on certain nights would allow a bunch of guys with little to no money.

So, naturally, we hit as many town parties as we could.

Town parties were set up as followed: get as many people as possible inside and drinking before the cops showed up to break it up, because when the cops came, half the party would dive out of various windows and run for their LIVES. The ones who stayed usually ended up getting laid because the cops usually showed up, told us to keep it down, then left because they didn't have much to do there. Not when the host of the party was smart enough to hide the beer.

But this was suburbia and white suburban kids were usually terrified of the cops and didn't know that the cops had little stroke other than to issue stern verbal warnings before shucking off to the next party they needed to break up. Suburban kids scared easy.

It was a warm June Saturday. There we were, moping around the parking lot of our town's Burger King. There was Matt, Scott, Todd (who we called "Hector" for no reason I can think of), Dave, Steve, and Bill. Others came an gone, flitted in and out, but this was the core.

Not quite geeks, but note the lack of girls mentioned.

Were there virgins in our group? Yup. Was I one? NO!! Was I a playa? Was "Playa" even a term in 1988? No and No.

In high school, you sort of understand that nothing that goes on in there will mean a damn thing the moment you get out. You understand it - but your raging hormones and developing intellectual and emotional mind can't quite handle it. That four year slice of life grooming you go through just merely forces you to understand that we're going to spend the rest of our lives wandering around with other people who think and behave differently. It also gives you the first glimpses at the other sex, and how to talk to them. Some catch on quicker then others.

It took Hyatte a while to catch on, but for when I was a junior, in 1987, I had a long-term girlfriend that lasted almost 16 whole months. Her name was Polly, and she was patient with me. Then she was accepted to some University out in California... like, really, REALLY early... so I was dumped a few months into my senior year. I was cool with it. I figured I'd scoop another one up before the year was over. No problemo.

Didn't work out that way, for various reasons. Ah well.

So, there we were, my crew, on a warm June afternoon, kicking the hackey-sack around and wondering what we were going to do to kill another summer day. None of us had girlfriends simply because without school, and without 18 and under clubs, where the hell were they??

That's another kick in the balls high school doesn't tell you about. It's tougher to pick up girls when they aren't jammed against you in crowded classrooms and lunch cafeterias. Out in the real world, they tend to hide unless you got pot, beer, and a house with no parents.

Somewhere during the great BK Hackey-Sack Session, which was looking to be the main event for the evening, Matt saw someone he knew going through the BK Drive-thru and waved at him. I didn't know the kid but he waved Matt over. I heard matt yell, "Whattaya doin' scrubba?" Matt called everyone "scrubba". It was a term of endearment. Minutes later he returned and said, "Party tonight."

The hackey-sack hit the ground with a soft PLOP. Someone missed the side kick. Okay, it was me. Fuck off. I was never very good at hackey-sack and that stupid little beanball never made it very deep into the 90's, DID IT???

So we had something to do later that night. A PARTY!! To this day I forgot who threw it. But I DO remember that the kid's parents would be there... so coke and fruit punch would be the strongest thing there. We would need Scott's brother Herb (Yes, HERB!) to pick us up some Purple Passion, and maybe some Everclear.

And maybe some weed.

But, that was hours away. We still had the rest of the late afternoon to kill before we all took off to shower and get ready. We all stood around wondering what to do.

Hector picked up the hackey-sack and started the circle. I only fucked up the flow 6 times. Fucking hackey-sack.

I almost got laid at the party.

So we made it and the father had the grill going and the mother was serving drinks and Herb is being a dickface and only bought two sixes of Schlitz... and half a roach he found in his sock drawer. Barely anything. Steve thought his parents kept an unopened bottle of Peppermint Schnapps buried deep in their basement bar at his house... but he was too much of a pussy to try to steal it. Which, sort'a made me wonder why he would bring up the subject in the first place... but Steve was a clas-a pussy anyway. Always had been. Probably still is. Probably still has all of his babyfat too... heh. HA!! Creep.

Anyway. The party was a cook-out, set up in the backyard. A small backyard as far as backyards go, but nice... with fences blocking both sides and a natural, white-rock hill forming a back wall and some good sized evergreen trees forming a front line in front.. The parents had set up spotlights in front of said evergreens which was in front of said white-rock wall and they were BRIGHT... BRIGHT AS THE SUN!!

So there we were, all dressed up in... oh like I remember what anyone was wearing!! All I know is that I bought all my clothes from "Chess King" and I was CUTTING EDGE!! The jeans were Levis, the shoes were... umm.... sandals, yeah, it was Summer. The shirt had Judas Priest on the front from a concert I never went to but wore the shirt to school the day after he played in town just to look like I did. The hair was washed and fresh and brown and ALL THERE. And feathered right down the middle and LOVELY. We all were ready for some FUN, some MUSIC, and maybe some female contact... maybe.

But first, I had to piss.

"Go behind the trees, behind the lights," the host... who's face I remember (sort of looked like a rabbit with dysentery) but damn if I can remember his name. "The lights are facing the house so no one will see you."

"Why can't I just use your toilet in the house?" I asked. I would've called him "dude" but the word hadn't made it to New England in the late 80's yet. I may have called him "Scrubba" but can't recall.

"My sister's all perioding and shit," he said. "She's locked herself in there. She's being a wicked princess."

"Don't you have a second bathroom?" I asked.

"Just use the trees, peckerhead," he said.

So I did. And the privacy WAS quite nice. I took note of it. And from then on, behind the trees and behind the spotlights became known as the bathroom.

About an hour or so later, the party was actually pretty good. Lots of people were there. At two instances I remember overhearing the mother complain that she didn't buy enough food for these many kids. Me and the crew were all hanging out, laughing away, goofing on each other, other people, telling blown up stories from the last four years of high school without worrying if we were repeating ourselves. Scott (who had a red afro, yes.) had beaten MMA by about 8 years as HE was the first person to "Tap Out" whenever he started laughing so loud he had to stop. He'd start bawling with laughter, put his head to the table, and slam his hand three times on the table then wave himself off. Match over,

Okay... so its more of a wrestling three count... BUT HE TAPPED WHILE TITO ORTIZ WAS STILL HELPING HIS POPPA MOW LAWNS!!! BLOW ME!!

Anyway, I had gotten up to make myself another lovely Schlitz and Coke spritzer when a girl came up to me and started talking. A cute girl with long, sandy brown hair and a wide smile. I never saw her before.

"How's it going?" she asked.

"ACES, BABY!! I shoutes!! No, I kid. "Good," I said. "What's up?"

"Not much," she said. "I'm freaking out."

I smiled and stretched my arms out as if I just woke up from a nap... showing off the guns. "How come?"

"My ex-boyfriend just showed up and I don't want to see him. I don't want him to bother me." She looked behind her and then looked back at me. "So I'm just going to talk to you until I figure something out."

Immediately, I knew I was gong to kick some ex-boyfriend ass!! Unless he was bigger than me... or older... or black. "Well," I said, "what do you want to do?"

She looked around. "My friends are here and they don't want to leave. I just want to hang low until he leaves. I don't think he's going to stay, no one he knows is here."

And suddenly, a brilliant, beautiful lightbulb popped in my head... as bold as NEON!!

As bold as... spotlights.

"I know what to do," I said. "I can sneak you out of here and he won't see you." I started walking backwards. "Come on," I said.

"Where are we going?" she asked.

"I'm going to the bathroom," I said. "And you're coming with me."

She completely froze in her tracks. In a split second her mouth went from gentle, nice smile, to full-out rictus of fear and outrage and horror. "Holy shit," she said. "Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit!! No! No! No!" She started to back away from me.

I knew I fucked it up. But I tried to recover. "No, not that, I mean we can go into the trees back there and..."

"Oh God, get away from me!" She said, and then whipped around on a dime and RAN... full throttled SPRINTED out of the backyard and out of the gate. I'm pretty sure she decided her ex-boyfriend wasn't THAT bad right there and then.

I watched her go, and felt terrible for a full minute... then shrugged my shoulders and went back to my crew... none of whom had witnessed this.

So of COURSE, my plan was to walk her to the corner of the yard behind the spotlights so her ex couldn't see her, and then loop to the far side of the party and just hang out until she felt more comfortable. Of course. No, really.

But suddenly, it was like I was inviting this nice girl I knew for all of 90 seconds to go somewhere and give each other golden showers... or worse things...

I learned an important lesson that night. I learned the word "bathroom" is NOT a safe word to use with a girl you met a minute ago. I learned that chicks are not going to trust you after exchanging maybe 25 words.

And I learned that if I wanted to get laid again, I'd better enroll in some college. And I did... a year and a half later (slow learner, am I)

I don't remember much else about that party, or the rest of the summer. I lost contect with all of those buds... except that Dave became an engineer and did get married and just totally handed his balls to his wife, possibly at the altar. Matt got married to a beastly thing and bought his parent's house and seems to run a part time towing service for a living. Scott stopped into a club I was bouncing at and he had a girlfriend and she was just as obnoxious as him.

And me? I learned those lessons well, and learned lots more as the years went on. And still plan on learning more and more. And some nights, as I lay in bed reflecting of the continuing growth of the asshole named Hyatte, As the wind softly moans in the night and I lay in bed wondering why my Lord and Savior saw fit to remove a small portion of my hairline and a GOOD portion of its luxurious brown color... I can sometimes hear the soft voice of Joe Cocker waft through the night sky...

"What would you dooooo, if I sang out of tune. Would you stand up and walk out on me. Lend me your ears and I'll... sing you a song. I will try not to sing out of keyyya. Oh baby HAVE A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS!! ALL I NEED IS MY BROTHER!! HAVE A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS!! I JUST NEED A LITTLE HEEELP HAVE A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS!! OH BABY OOOOO OOOOO OOOOOOOO"

Hope that rotten, paranoid little twat is a single mom with 15 kids... all with down's syndrome. How dare she run out on me.

Comments next time around.

And you all waited 2 weeks for this!

In a day or two...

2009-10-26T01:21:00.003-04:00

I'm still here. Just tied up.

I have a story from my youth and a bunch of comments answered, coming very soon.

And i've gotten tired of Yes and No questions, so I'll be more verbose with some of them.

MyTV and Comments

2009-10-11T01:02:00.007-04:00

This was going to be longer but time is ever the cold, hungry, relentless BITCH!!

Whassup, people.

Someone, somewhere openly grumbled about how long posts where I just keep adding and adding new material at the end gets frustrating because they race down to the end but overshoot and end up shooting past the entry and wandering into boring ol' entries past... which they've already read a few dozen times and can recite every word... backwards.

Well, since I much, MUCH prefer lots of comments on each long post rather than bits of comments on several, scattered posts, here's what I suggest:

A: Log on here, breathe a sigh of relief when I make it clear in the headline that I have recently updated.

B: Click on recent headline. Just point and click.

C: Scroll down and see that now this post is the only post on your screen, no older posts follow. Just this posts and the comments it has so far garnered.

D: Easily find the point where the updated post ends and the comments begins and begin reading until you run out of unread material.

E: Zoom to the bottom of the screen and add in another comment to keep this puppy rolling, and to motivate me to respond.

F: Go find something shaped like a mini-bowling pin, shove it straight up your ass and spend the day walking around feeling like a stuffed fucking Thanksgiving turkey. Homo.

There ya' go. Problem solved.

So someone asked what I am watching on TV these days. Here's a list of all the shows I try really hard not to miss. In handy dandy days of the week order...

1) Letterman (since 1983. Only Carson can touch him)

2) Curb your Enthusiasm. (The concept is just thrilling. His scripts just lay out the scenario and from their on, all improv.)

3) Entourage (even tho' the latest season SUCKED)

4) Mad Men (slow moving, but an acting clinic. If you watch it, and wonder why the dramatic payoffs are so moving, it's because they know how to build. Someone from the Sopranos runs this show, and you can see the pedigree.)

5) NBC Sunday Night Football. ('nuff said)

6) The Simpsons. (Yeah, even I admit it, it's lost its edge. Someone, a few years ago, put it best... it's like everyone with originality left the Simpsons and let geeks who grew up watching it run the show. It's showing its age and it shows.)

6) House (It knows when to amke the lead character sympathetic, it knows when to bring Greg House's flaws front and center. And its just fun to see them unravel the medical mustery.)

7) Sons of Anarchy. (Not anything I CRAVE, but they hired Adam Arkin to be the leader of a white supremecy faction trying to fuck the biker gang out of town... and that is INSPIRED casting. Ron Perlman has been waaay too lucky for waaay too long)

8) Man vs Wild (Although its starting to get old, there is enough time between fresh sets of new shows to keep me interested... and the special episode he did with Will Ferrell was hilarious.)

9) Mythbusters (Adam is a carefree fag. Jamie redefines the term "closeted", and the girl seems to go from really hot to really BLEH on weekly basis, but they have fun and we LEARN THINGS.)

10) Survivor: Samoa. (Every season is a whole new cast, and THIS season they have a dude called Russell who is a fucking STAR!! He's also a nasty, evil asshole who makesd Johnny Fairplay look like an amateur. Get this, he tells everyone he's a firefighter from New Orleans who watched his dog drown during Katrina, then he grabs the camera and says, "Look, I've never BEEN to New Orleans, I'm a multi-millionaire who is just here to show how easy it is to manipulate these idiots and win the million, which I don't need." The thing is, he is HIGHLY photogenic, handsome, and charismatic. Mark Burnette is a fucking genius because I have no idea how long Russell will last in this game, but they are right now postioning him to be the star... which can easily mean he'll be thrown off the island before they even make it to jury selection. Just brilliant casting.)

11) Fringe. (It's like the X-Files only faster moving. Joshua Jackson hasn't taken a single acting class since he was hired for Dawson's Creek, but he fits here. The old guy, Walter, is a found treasure who was probably stuck doing bit parts and Shakespearean theater his whole life. His character reminds me of a guy I work with. They both take such joy in the simple things in life. I hang with my friend just for the positive energy he exudes over such simple pleasures... like a good restaurant or a funny image he caught on his camera phone.

And I've said it before... but it bears repeating... this is Anna Torv, the show's lead actress:

And this is porn starlet Aurora Snow:

Torv looks like Snow's sister. Thus I spend each show obessively wondering if her chooch isn't as deep and cavernous as a black hole... like her sister.)

14) South Park. Only 14 episodes a year, split between 5 months. Any one episoide is funnier and smarter AND dirtier than any given ten episodes of Family Guy

15) Dollhouse. (I have the first season DVD set, but I'm finding myself less and less interested in this show. I'm a Joss Whedon fiend but this show is lacking... and I don't think it'll last through its second season. Whedon needs to back off the "empowered cool chick" gemre and do something different, like a cop show or something. And Eliza Kushdu could've been Megan Fox before Megan Fox arrived... she downplays her sexiness too much.)

16) Dexter. (It took me a while to grow into this show, but I watched the first two seasons and find the show pretty fun. Nothing MUST HAVE, but entertaining all the same.)

That's it, my must watch shows. For DVDs, I grab seasons of The Office, 24, South Park, and Damages, as they arrive, and a bunch of old shows as my whims dictate. I'm thinking about collecting the entire Cheers and Seinfeld run. Just so you know.

********

I have some comments to catch up on. Yes or No... YOUR comments... just my way of letting you piece together the jigsaw rubik's cube known as HY8!!!

1) October 6, 2009 11:14 PM... Tony Majestic said... 1.) Do you think a group of your fans would seriously consider getting together in public? 2.) Have you ever self-published a book of your own work to sell out of the trunk of your car?

1) Never. 2) HA HA HA... no

2) October 7, 2009 12:22 AM... Anonymous said... Is your job resteraunt related? The wife was fake but was the sex club real?

1) No, I'm not a fucking waiter. 2) Yes.

3) October 7, 2009 3:45 AM... Anonymous said... Do you work in the public sector? Is your day job exactly that - a 9-5, working at a desk?

1) Yes. 2) Hmmmm... yeno. noye.

4) October 7, 2009 9:42 AM... Anonymous said... 1. Do you work in telecommunications? 2. Do you work in hospitality?

1) No. 2) We can all work on being more hospitable to each other.

5) October 7, 2009 10:52 AM... Anonymous said... Do you enjoy your fans? Would you ever consider showing a picture of yourself?

1) Sure. 2) Ahhh, yes

6) October 7, 2009 12:11 PM... Anonymous said... Have you ever read Denis Leary's book "Why We Suck"? If no, may I recommend it to you?

1) Nope. 2) Of course!

7) October 7, 2009 12:35 PM... Anonymous said... Did you finish college (i.e. get a degree)? Have you ever thrown your wallet at your TV in real life?

1) No. 2) Heh... probably

8) October 7, 2009 12:58 PM... Anonymous said... Do ya use any drug other than alcohol for recreational purposes? Have you ever had what could be considered a gay experience?

1) Nope. 2).... sigh.... yeah

9) October 7, 2009 1:12 PM... richardrh said... Do you remember Tully Blanchard? Do you care?

1) YES!! 2) Not a rat's ass.

10) October 7, 2009 3:32 PM... lostnoiz said... Do you have a physically demanding job? Is your your mentally challenging?

1) yeah. 2) YES!

11) October 7, 2009 3:34 PM... lostnoiz said... God damn...as I am apparantly mentally challenged....

1) Yes.

12) October 7, 2009 5:04 PM... WARSAW said... If your last name was a real word, would it be listed in the first half of the Dictionary? Is your last name longer than three syllables?

1) Yup. 2) Nope.

13) October 7, 2009 6:23 PM... Anonymous said... Is your cock longer than 5 inches?
Would you buy Ric Flairs nwa title for 75 k and wear it and only it in the lobby of a hotel screaming Whoo Whoo Whoooo while you do the helicopter tug on your slong?

1) Bet'cha ASS!! 2) No

14) October 7, 2009 8:32 PM... Anonymous said... Haha, if you woke up in a field somewhere, hungover, and you found a homeless guy sucking you off; would you let him finish?

No, no, NO!!

15) October 8, 2009 8:06 AM... Anonymous said... Is "Na'cho cheese" the funniest cheese-related joke of all time?

1) Without fucking question

16) October 8, 2009 1:27 PM... Todd said... Are you still at the address on Georgianna? Did you ever complete the "hard boiled" novella about Benjy, Max, the Accountant?

1) No. 2) Yes. Wow.

17) October 8, 2009 1:47 PM... MorninWood said... So Hy8, are you currently working as a janitor or in "custodial engineering"? Do you hate anyone on here?

1) No. 2) Oh yes.

18) October 8, 2009 9:36 PM... Anonymous said... 1) A woman ever abort the fruit of your loins? 2) Have any brothers or sisters?

1) Probably not. 2) No.

19) October 9, 2009 1:48 AM... Anonymous said... Ever given a rim job? Ever gotten one?

1) Aye. 2) AYE!

20) October 9, 2009 2:39 AM... Anonymous said... In terms of women online, have you ever jacked off on webcam for a girl? Have you ever had a woman online reject you because you wouldn't give her a photo of yourself?

1) BWAHAHAHAAA!! No. 2) Nope.

21) October 9, 2009 6:25 AM... Anonymous said... Do you feel old? Are you still seeing Miss It's everything and it's Nothing?

1) Alas... yes. 2) Yup.

22) October 9, 2009 7:58 AM... Anonymous said... Do you think Obama should have won the Nobel Peace Prize? Do you think he has REALLY done anything of note to this point?

1) No. 2) Yes.

23) October 9, 2009 8:24 AM... fbintx said... Do you like this gig? Do you like your job? Do you like being chief of police?

1)... yes-ish 2) Yes 3) What? No.

24) October 9, 2009 9:53 AM... Julie said... Hey Chris! Looking at the comments you've received so far, it looks like you've really opened a can of worms :) 1) Have you heard from Trish since she's gotten married? 2) Do you expect to ever hear from her again? Have a great week! Julie

Hi Julie! 1) Sure. 2) She always comes back. Have a great week too, baby.

25) October 9, 2009 1:35 PM... Anonymous said... Will the new FCC crackdown on bloggers affect you? Will you get another column at a wrestling site if it does?

1) Nah. 2) Never.

26) October 9, 2009 4:20 PM... Anonymous said... Are you going to update BlOCTOBERFEST soon? Will you let me marry you? No man love or anything, I just want to hang out with you and absorb some of your awesomeness.

1) No. 2) No, sorry.

25) October 9, 2009 5:43 PM... Lester Graves said... Would you have sex with someone that is totally hot if you knew for a fact that you would get a (treatable) venereal disease from her?

1).... hmmmmm.... no

26) October 9, 2009 9:56 PM... Scott_NM said... Did Trish give you any kind of a wink/nudge/tug on the ear when she hosted Raw? Follow-up: Do you wish that you could have got her to do something like that, not so you could brag about it, but just to have the personal satisfaction and internal grin?

1) No clue. Didn't watch it. 2) She did already... so no.

27) October 10, 2009 9:33 AM... Anonymous said... Do you write anywhere else on the internet under a different name?

1) No.

28) October 10, 2009 11:13 AM... Ken said... Did you ever go to college? Did that help you get your current job?

1) Yes. 2) Yes.

29) October 10, 2009 2:59 PM... Anonymous said... Phrased in a yes/no question: Do you realize the longer your posts are the harder it is to find the comment thing? Because, seriously, most people aren't going to sit through a chapter book masquerading as a blog, right?.

1) Yes. See above. And stop fucking whining.

30) October 10, 2009 7:16 PM... MorninWood said... Um, DO YOU realize that some of us that have been reading you for a long time don't care and are smart enough to find the "comment thing" because we aren't as stupid as some other folks that would call this a chapter book masquerading (which I am shocked they spelled correctly) as a blog and that we are very happy to get long posts from you because that means there is more Hyatte goodness to absorb? And ever gave money to a charity?

1) Yes. And awwww. 2) Yes.

31) October 11, 2009 9:20 AM... Anonymous said... Is your Hyatte persona close to who you are in "real life" Would you ever use Hyatte to pick up a woman that new who Hyatte is?

1) Yes. 2) Sure.

32) October 11, 2009 5:21 PM... Anonymous said... Are you ever gonna answer these questions? Are you ever going to blog regularly again?

1) Uh huh. 2) Uh uh.

Welcome to Blogtober! (UPDATED a few times... 10/5 and 10/6. UPDATED 11:30 AM; 2:00 pm; 10:30 PM)

2009-10-04T18:15:00.015-04:00

Looky here:

There are times when I want to blog all the time and you and I have a nice give and take/back and forth thing going. Then there are times when I just want to hit the fucking delete button and be done with it. But I don't because, well, you never know when this thing might come in handy.

Currently, I don't feel like blogging, so there will be gaps between posts. And now the obligatory reminder that this isn't a column and I am not required to deliver anything and blah blah blah...

You ever notice that the longer my posts. The more posts I do that have actual content, the less you all respond? If I continue to write here and end up puking up 2000 words, it'll take a month to hit 50 comments. But if I stop right now, I'll hit 100 by Wednesday. Of course, 74 of those 100 will be just one guy posting dozens of times anonymously, but still.

****************

Anyway, let's try this. For the next few days, you may ask me ANYTHING and you will get a 100% true answer. I will be honest and open and all the way truthful. No lies here. You may also ask me one follow-up question of which I will ALSO answer 100% truthfully, to the best of my abilities.

Here's the catch. They must be Yes or No questions. I will say nothing but Yes or No... but they will be 100% honest. Yes or No is all you get. Not a letter more.

AND ONLY TWO QUESTIONS PER CUSTOMER. If you post a list I will just answer the first two and then move on.

Might be fun.

***************************************

Wrestling Stuff

In TRUE WWE form, the whole "Guest Host" gimmick is both brilliant and ridiculously short-sighted at the same time. It's brilliant because it does get a guest star to appear on Raw every week, and depending on where the host comes from, gets a variety of different media sources talking about pro wrestling every week.

Well... heh, making FUN of wrestling every week, I should say.

But its a neat idea. I like that Ben Roethlisberger is raising shit with the sports media and his own Coach by taking a guest host gig tomorrow wthout telling him, and bringing his whole offensive line with him. I also like that the previous week, that loudmouth Al Sharpton showed up and managed to make the whole locker room stand up and applaud him for doing next to nothing his whole life other than get behind causes that serve his needs more than anyone elses.

And its a hoot to see these little actors run around like unaware assholes. Seth Green looked like a 12 year old kid out there.

But then there is the part where the Guest Host just fucks the WWE in its own ass. Bob Barker had no idea where he was. He just knew that he was getting paid to do a spoof on his own gameshow and that he'll get 5 minutes to seriously plug his book. That's it. All these morons are spoting on about how GREAT he was on Raw. Of COURSE he was great... he's been in front of the cameras for over 35 years... he didn't need to know anything about where he was and he could've winged it on autopilot. He was probably wandering around backstage asking everyone when Lou Thesz was showing up.

Barker is such a seasoned pro, he could read a Chinese phonebook, mispronounce every single name, and still do a fine job. He didn't know WWE, and he still doesn't.

And then there was Jeremy Piven, who does not follow wrestling at all. Called "SummerSlam", "SummerFest", and was probably thrilled that Kelly Kelly had better coke on her then he did, and who didn't need much convincing to spread for him.

The more unique a giuest host they score, the more they look like a third rate trailer trash outlet. In the "talk show" game, where everyone sees your place based on the quality of guests you book, WWE is on par with "Chelsey Lately". In other words, they get D-List celebs who have to beg to get on Jimmy Fallon.

Which doesn't exactly kick open the doors of Hollywood for these folks.

So... you get media coverage (but not the best kind), a way to convince yourself that you are still a giant PULSE on heart of pop culture (you're not) and you give the fans a fresh, interesting reason to tune in every Monday (of course, they want to see WRESTLING, not the Big Show square off against someone new every week). ANd if no stars are available, you book retired wrestlers for a more traditional episode... and get to see yoga intructors... nevermind.

It's a great concept... and makes them look every bit as low rent as they constantly fight against.

But its all for the kids, anyway. WWE is a PG show! For the KIDS! No one is actually TELLING the kids this... as their core audience is still 25-40 year old leftovers from the late 90's. And the kids are busy watching UFC, like most everyone else.

Meanwhile, I'll be watching the "Hell in the Cell" PPV tonight. I want to see how they book THREE cage matches and make each one interesting... without blood.

Without blood. Jesus.

(HOURS LATER)

-It wasn't bad, wasn't sensational either but these PPVs rarely are.

Punk vs Undertaker wasn't exactly a "Hell in the Cell" match. It was a fairly strait forward match with a cage around it that they hardly used. I don't think 'Taker's gonna make it to 20-0 at Wrestlemania. He's barely moving... like, he's Kevin Nash-immobile.

Ironically, like Nash, Taker's in the best looking shape we've ever seen him. Really nice and fit from the waist up.

Punk's main problem is that he still sells like he's in the Indys. His facial PAIN expressions are borderline parody, like he's just goofing around and mugging for the fans. He needs to take it down a notch.

I guess even though they need the future, they aren't ready to put Punk quite over the big guns. That Russian dude, Vladimir Koslov, oh sure, he can pin Taker clean on free TV with no response, but their ain't no way Punk can get a little shine on with a major win.

Punk is fucking Lita. Oh there has GOT to be assplay involved - some dirty, kinky sex going down between those two. The way he scores around you have to figure he landed Stratus. And Batista got some of that too. Just saying.

By the way, Punk is hailed as the "First Ever Straight Edge World Champion"... heh... ha! Nice to see them admit all the other champions were juiced up coke-heads.

-Dolf Ziggler, when his hair is sweaty and flopping around, looks just like Jeff Jarrett. Interesting choice.

John Morrision looked quite pale while wrestling the heavily spray-tanned Ziggler. I'll bet a lot of money that this was Morrison's biggest concern when he watched the replay. "Aw maaan, I look like fucking Caspar!!"

-I noticed with most Diva matches that they work very deliberatly. Not much chain wrestling or sequences here. Lots of slow moving between spots. Crowd was dead for this, too. So was I. Who's this black chick?

-LOVED the tag championship match. It's what this company does very well, mixing big guys with little guys and telling the appropriate story with some good twists. It also helps that the Big Show always does what's right for business and knows that he can sell for Mysterio and still look monstrous.

Part of the fun of watching Batista nowadays is waiting for the next muscle to peel off the bone. I'm guessing the triceps... by Christmas.

-This was... BY FAR... the most enjoyable Randy Orton match I've ever seen. He can give lessons on how to make facial expressions and still sell but without leaving his character. Punk should be made to study Orton's work. The fans are popping for the guy because he is fresh, a new kind of character, something we haven't seen before, and he's the character from the second he steps out there to the second he leaves.

Seriously, I'm talking Austin, Rock, 80's Piper unique. One of a kind. And the fans want so badly to cheer him... but the WWE won't allow it. Cena is their poster child... that fake, marketed, puppet Cena who smiles nice and brings in those kiddies they want so bad. Orton is an original; Cena is a marketing gimmick. And the fans know this.

This was ANOTHER match that was barely a Hell in the Cell. Nothing was accomplished that couldn't have been done without a cage. Except Orton won clean... thank God.

-I was taking a big shit during R-Truth vs Drew McIntyre. The match was over before I finished the loaf.

-The Miz is starting to grow on me... and a lot of people I assume... and he can cut promos as good as anyone in the business, which will serve him very well...

... but he's not main event. No shot. He can have a lovely mid-card career and can cut awesome promos... but he'll need a huge makeover to be taken seriously. I don't see him moving up to the next level. Let's just hope he doesn't end up crying about it on Twitter or whatever the next big social network gimmick will be next year, like Matt Hardy does.

Jack Swagger fascinates me. First, he comes out and pounds his chest like a retarded King Kong. He's got these gigantic teeth that his lips have to stretch to cover... and can't stay covered for long as ou always see them pop back open. He's always bigger than he appears and is usually booked as a Brock Lesnar like monster athlete.

And I think they would LOOOVE to crown him the "Next big thing", but they are very careful about pushing someone to the moon like that again.

He'll never be a face, that kid... too snarky. Even his smile is fake... with all those teeth.

Anyway, Kofi Kingston keeps his belt, which is strange since of the three in that match, his character has the least vti of development. "And here's Kofi Kingston, a Jamaican flyer who likes to have fun!" That's it. Take the title off him and he's still smiling and having fun and looking like he should be serving me and my girl Pina Coladaz at the Resort with hardcore bloodshot eyes.

-Now... see... DX vs Legacy was a Hell in the Cell match. They told a cool story that featured Shawn getting trapped in the cage wit the two of them while HHH was kind enough to pretend to be knocked out for a while.

Punk should watch HBK tapes too, especially from the last couple of years, on the art of working a match with expressions. It will become vital when the body can't go 100 miles per hour all the time anymore and yet you still want to deliver excellent matches.

Sheesh, how much hair did HBK leave in the ring after his Undertaker Wrestlemania match? Boy's losing it by the handful now. WHERE'S YOUR GOD NOW, SHAWN???

HHH managed to break into the cage and save the day, but it made sense and the kids looked good. And it was a true Hell in the Cell match which did play up the special brutality of the gimmick.

And Orton won my heart. He could be the One, if they stop ignoring the cheers for the fucking guy.

Alright... there's some analysis. Hit me with the Yes or No questions... or comment on what I just talked about. Or don't comment and maybe I'll post again before Halloween... if you're lucky.

By the way, for Halloween I'm going to be a Yoga Instructor. Just need a brown wig, lots of makeup, and I'll spend the night trying to bend over backwards and form a bridge... and wipe out each time.

Heh heh heh... ho ho ho.... ha.

************************

Heh. I crack myself up.

So let's answer some questions. And I'll give a little clue here: My answers, simple as they are, sometimes are not so simple.

1) 1) October 5, 2009 8:29 AM... elmarko said... are you actually female? Is Flea a real person?

No. Yep.

2) October 5, 2009 11:14 AMAnonymous said... Are you one of the writers on 411 mania but go by a different name? Do you really know Trish Stratus?

1) HA... fuck no. 2) Yes

3) October 5, 2009 11:36 AM... kris said... Have you made more than $5000 total writing about wrestling on the internet?

No

4) October 5, 2009 12:04 PM... Arrakis said... If..."a woman"...offered to spend the rest of her life with you, would you give up your real name?

... uhh.... yes?

5) October 5, 2009 1:09 PM... Anonymous said... Two questions then. 1. Are you actually a woman? 2. Are you bitter?

1) WHAT??? NO!! 2) Nope.

6) October 5, 2009 1:41 PM... Moonage Daydream said... If you knew for a fact that you could get away with it, would you kill somebody?

No

7) October 5, 2009 1:55 PM... Tilly said... If any of us met you in real life, without knowing your online persona... would we like you? Does any part if you regret what you've written online in the past... like, for example, the Mark Madden's mom comments?

1) Yup. 2) Nah.

8) October 5, 2009 2:55 PM... Anonymous said... Or loved and lost. Sorry man, I'm totally fuckin high.

Understood. Yes.

9) October 5, 2009 3:17 PM... P. J. said... If human feces was identical on a molecular lever to your favorite food, would you eat it?

.... no...

10) October 5, 2009 3:33 PM... Anonymous said... Have you ever heard anyone mention Hyatte, or the IWC in general, in the course of your "real" life?

Hmmm.... Yes.

11) October 5, 2009 3:56 PM... Jay said... As for my question, and since it has to be yes or no I'll phrase it like this: do you a PG version of the WWE can ever reach the heights of popularity and mainstream recognition that the attitude era did?

No.

12) October 5, 2009 4:10 PM... Anonymous said... Have you ever been arrested? Is Flea a millionaire?

1) No. 2) .... yes?

13) October 5, 2009 4:39 PM... Christopher said... Do you work in a professional office environment? -I have this image of you working in a cubicle during the SCOOPS days and just pounding out the mop-ups before a big meeting the next day.

Have you ever gone 500 or more miles away from your primary residence at that time for pussy?

1) Nope. 2) Si.

14) October 5, 2009 5:57 PM... Anonymous said... 1. have you ever met trish stratus in person? 2. if so have you ever been alone with her?

1) Yeah. 2) No.

15) October 5, 2009 7:24 PM... Does it matter said... Did you pick the yes/no format to avoid real answers?

1) No, stupid.

16) October 5, 2009 11:48 PM... JesseBaker said... 1. Given how he turned into a batshit crazy stalker with a chip on his shoulder, do you regret taking Josh Grutman under your wing and giving him his big break on 411Wrestling/Inside Pulse 2. Did you ever freak Trish Stratus out with your devotion to her?

1) No. 2) Nah.

17) October 6, 2009 12:07... Sean said... 1) Has Trish ever given you a clear indication that she reciprocated the way you feel about her? 2) Would you ever spill the details on your "relationship" with her?

1)... heh... yeah. 2) Nope.

18) October 6, 2009 12:47 AM... Anonymous said... Do you have a kid? Will you ever talk about her/him?

1) no. 2) no.

Aha, and with the answers, more questiona arise. This might end up being fun.

*************************

19) October 6, 2009 1:15 AM... Anon-E-Mouse said... Have you ever wanted to bitch-slap somebody over a comment they left? Would you want to hang out with anyone whose posted here?

1) Oh God... YES! 2) Sure.

20) October 6, 2009 1:20 AM... Factor said... Could Ace of Base been HUGE if they had not been blinded by that damn Sign? I mean,with all the living in danger they were doing?

No.

21) October 6, 2009 9:49 AM... Anonymous said... Did you attend college at any point?
Have you ever heard anyone mention your columns in real life, without them realizing you were "Hyatte"?

1) Yes. 2) No.

22) October 6, 2009 11:25 AM... Anonymous said... Do you work in what could be classed, broadly as the creative industries eg. any form of design/advertising agency, anything connected to tv/film, music or photography, publishers? Are you Trish Stratus?

1) No and 2) What? No.

23) October 6, 2009 11:32 AM... Anonymous said... 1) If you knew for sure that certain female someones would never read you again, would you continue this blog? 2) If Trish got divorced, do you believe you have a realistic shot?

1) Sure. 2) Mmmmmmmmm.... no

24) October 6, 2009 11:43 AM... Ted Kennedy's ghost said... Do you know that Jeff Smalls wrote this week about Tammy and the dude that faked you out? Will you ever go after Smalls?

1) Nope. No, fuck him.

25) October 6, 2009 12:06 PM... Bri The King Of Alabama said...

RE: Smalls. Bit misleading, it was a brief (and pretty positive) mention:

"So last week Lacey Von Erich decided to take on the role as the voice of the TNA locker room by straight up hatin' on the deported Angelina Love. However, since the age of kayfabe is over, Erich was likely reprimanded and had to apologize on her Twitter page. Since then, Erich has received scorn from the IWC, many of my Smallophiles, and most importantly, ex-WWE Diva Tammy Sytch! And yes, this is the real Sunny, not the dude that tricked Hyatte. (Those were the days.) "

Yes

26) October 6, 2009 12:43 PM... Anonymous said... Smalls is a punk... Hyatte should lay him to waste. He should "fuck him till he loves him" Yes? No?

*YAWN*... no

27) October 6, 2009 12:59 PM... Anonymous said... Would you ever take another job writing for a wrestling site? Have you had sex with more than one woman at at time?
(if yes, can you tell me how to accomplish this?)

1) Yes. 2) No

28) October 6, 2009 1:32 PM... fbintx said... Do you earn more than $50K a year?
Do you floss? (you should)

1) Yessiree 2) Well.... ya

29) October 6, 2009 1:46 PM... Anonymous said... Are you a bitter writer? Have you ever been in a wrestling ring?

**This question an answer thing is fun.

1) ASSHOLE!! 5) October 5, 2009 1:09 PM... Anonymous said... 2. Are you bitter?

NO!!! READ THESE THINGS FULLY!!!

2) No

**Yes

*******************

30) October 6, 2009 2:50 PM... Gray said... Have you lied on any of these questions? Have you ever considered attending a meeting of your fans?

1) Err.... No... *cough*. 2) HA... negative

31) October 6, 2009 4:15 PM... Ted Kennedy's Ghost said ... Would you ever consider letting us know who you really are? Have you ever attended an old timers wrestling convention and marked out?

1) No. 2) God no.

32) October 6, 2009 6:58 PM... elmarko said... Right, fuck this. Everyone nail him (her?) with questions about his work industry. We'll never get anything solid out of him but we can finally get a vague idea about that. It's like that game Guess Who or whatever it was called. Do you work in the medical industry or emergency services? Do you work in the banking industry?

Uh oh. 1) No. 2) No

33) October 6, 2009 7:37 PM... Anonymous said... Have you worked at the same job for more than 5 years? Do you get drunk more than 3 times a week?

1) .... nooooo 2) ..... no-ish

Week- End Comment Bonanza!

2009-09-19T00:26:00.001-04:00

Now we're going to have some fun!

Linda McMahon is going to run for a seat in the Senate representing the great state of Connecticut. Let's hope. Let's PRAY that it gets ugly. Let's hope her opponents do some homework on her business.

Deaths, murder, drugs, circus animal work-load, no insurance, no taxes, a swiss cheese-like Wellness testing program, her buffoon-like husband... Jesus Christ, they can eat her alive. They WILL.

It's going to be a blast watching THIS campaign.

HA... I will say this, the McMahons have gigantic grapefruits for trying to pull this off. Either that or they are more delusional then even their biggest critics thought.

Why would she invite this type of exposure? Nuts.

This'll be a wild ride. And thanks to the Internet, we'll have front row seats.

And it already began!

Anyway, I have a bunch of comments pulled from the last few blogs, lots of topics covered. Should carry you in for the rest of the week. I have them nice and scattered about so don't look for anything chronological. You asked for it, you earned it. Off we go.

1) August 21, 2009 12:31 PM... Anonymous said... Something you should know about I Miss You Lyrics Title: Simple Plan - I Miss You lyrics. Artist: Simple Plan Lyrics
Visitors: 38398 visitors have hited I Miss You Lyrics since May 27, 2008.

'to see you when i wake up is a gift
i didn't think could be real
to know that you feel the same as i do
is a three fold utopian dream
you do something to me that i can't explain
so would i be out of line if i said
i miss you'

Aww no, Patricia. It wouldn't be out of line at all. I know you miss me dearly. It's okay. No... shhh... it's okay. Nice song. Perfect choice. All that effort, just for me. So sweet. Much better than just dumping randomly selected U Tube videos on me. Burying me with them one after the other before I have a chance to check them out.

2) September 5, 2009 5:26 PM... JesseBaker said... On Hyatte skydiving; I have an image of Hyatte in a group of people about to skydiving, saying nothing as the others in his group nervously yap about how they may or may not die from their jump out of the plane.

More like Hyatte was trying to get his breathing under control and trying to get his tandem partner to confess to how much pot he smoked the day before. It was just me and two other first timers and none of us were talking very much.

Remember, we had earplugs in. And my mouth was hardcore dry.

I will say, I didn't bag out of the jump. I took that last step as soon as he said "GO!" No pausing, eyes wide open, ready to die, ready to fly. My trainer said he was impressed. I still think he dryhumped my crack, tho'

3) September 17, 2009 8:30 AM... Anonymous said... Orton's been clean for over a year. Trust me on this

Sure. Why not. His body has achieved the fabled "Saran Wrap" look where his skin has wrapped so tight around his muscles you can actually see where his back muscles end. Maybe he does get to work out twice a day yet maintain enough energy to wrestle every night.

So let's see which opponent gets wind of Orton's past antics with hotel room staff and such.

Actually, he's always squawking about how he takes his main event status seriously and how Rhodes and Orton's career DEPEND on him... and other nonsense.

So sure, he's been clean. I'll accept that. I mean, after all, he's passed all those random wellness tests, right?

You know, he could've been the baddest FACE since Stone Cold, right aroud the Royal Rumble time. But the heard people cheering for him so they had to alter his course so it was crystal clear he was a no good heel. What a shame, he could potentially have exploded. Like, 1997 all over again.

4) September 15, 2009 10:13 AM... Trish Stratus said... I can't believe you didn't watch me on Raw. It was bugging me the whole night and that made be botch my Matrix move. As punishment, the next time we fuck, you don't get to blow your load on my face. (Who am I kidding, I love getting facials from the Cool Hy)

Thanks Dude. Piece of advice, if you're going to try to write in a female voice, try to make it a REAL girl and not like a porn star with the cameras rolling.

I understand that 99% of your interaction with females is by watching porn, but women don't talk like that, unless their drunk and totally feeling you... and you're alone. Over the phone when she's cuddled in bed and totally relaxed... okay, then... maybe.

But generally speaking, don't try to write like a girl if you're getting lessons in girlspeak from Sasha Grey.

5) August 21, 2009 3:13 AM... Anonymous said... i just figured you were too busy having a marathon jerk off session watching channing tatum try to act his way out of a paper bag in gi joe the movie.

Here's another case of the WWE being morons. Rather than produce horrible movies for him to star in (hoping like CHRIST he'll take off like the Rock did so they can have their own little movie star completely under their control). Why didn't they try to jam Cena in this GI Joe movie as the lead actor? He would'a been perfect for the role... and he would've had a taste of mainstream success.

Then again, they would've lost control of him. So the best bet is to stick to terrible movies even 13 year old boys aren't touching.

By the way: Kimbo Slice as B.A. Baracus. Lord knows why this wasn't signed up quick.

By the way 2, 10 times in 10 hours is my spanking record. Sometime in 1987 after school. Of those ten high school girls who did UNSPEAKABLE things to young Hy-Rate in his fantasies... he actually got to date 2 of them. And got zero sex in the process.

6) September 15, 2009 6:38 PM... Anonymous said... She looked good...too bad you blew the deal with nothing to show for it. If you could only go back in time. Is flea still alive?

Sure he is. And his HEEro is currently Patrick Swayze, who did not stop smoking and drinking all the way to the last breath. Raise a glass, Fleabag. Dalton went out with no regrets!! (except maybe a movie career that didn't end in the 90's)

As for she looking good. Well, of course she did. She had weeks to prep herself for her core audience. She wasn't going to go out there looking rough. Are her eyes still pulling away from each other at a scary rate? By the time she hits 40 they will be on top of her ears.

And I didn't blow nothin'.

7) August 25, 2009 7:29 PM... elmarko said... Hyatte, good to see you back, how was prison this time?

Food has gotten better. It was Spring and Summer so the weather was awesome... for one hour a day. And no one fucks with you if you mind your business and offer to write letters and emails for people.

8) August 26, 2009 9:04 PM... Megan Fox said... Christopher, I don't have to admit anything. I can deny everything. And all you can do is deal with it.

You can deny all you want, hotstuff... the time we shared is/was OUR time and I don't care who thinks what. Never did.

This girl needs to make a lot more movies before she can be the next Angie Jolie... but holy crap is she beautiful.

9) September 2, 2009 11:17 AM... Anonymous said... HYATTE HYATTE PLEASE COME BACK
HYATTE HYATTE TOUCH MY SACK

ANONYMOUS ANONYMOUS TO YOU I THANK
ANONYMOUS ANONYMOUS NOW YOU WILL GOBBLE MY CRANK!!

10) 10) September 2, 2009 3:00 PM... stewie said... So tell them about Summer and Tanya

Them, Stewie? THEM?? Not You?? Why are you frontiog like you know stuff?

Okay, so you tell "them"? Mr. Insider.

11) September 3, 2009 2:13 AM... JesseBaker said... Leno's 10PM show is going to be a trainwreck of epic proportions. If it bombs BIG TIME ratingswise, NBC is fucking screwed for this season. Only Leno's new show's cheapness to make and possibly the network's inexplicable hard-on for Leno, to the point that they truly believe the apocalypse will come and NBC BEING WIPED OFF OF THE FACE OF THE EARTH if Leno would go onto another network, will keep them keeping it on the air if the show gets massacred in the ratings. The only thing in it's favor, at least out of the gate, is that none of the other networks seem to be prepping up big name shows to go opposite Leno. But with Cable, it's still literal suicide on NBC's part.

Take it easy little trooper. Leno is going to do just fine, but not incredible. He'll win some nights and lose a lot of nights too.

His 11:30 show was so big because lots of the country tuned in to hear his take on the news. They liked that 15 minute monologue knocking back the world's events in safe, easy joke form. Whether they stayed past it depended on what star he had on that night. Either way, Jay's audience liked to turn in around midnight.

With Dave Letterman, you watched the show if you liked DAVE. Period. If you didn't, you went to Leno... or any one of the hundred alternative channels.

What is troublesome about Leno's new 10 p.m. slot (And Jay really should thank Conan O'Brien for this... he wanted 11:30 and muscled NBC into giving it to him. He probably never realized it would bite him in the ass HUGE), is that if it is a monster success (and it saves NBC LOTS of money, so even so-so ratings mean they turn a profit), then it'll spawn a revival of other "variety shows" from other networks. I mean, Leno isn't doing anything NEW here. Ed Sullivan was the biggest show on television for about 20 years.

But their are script writers and REAL TV producers who are going to want Leno DEAD if his show takes off. His easy going, no-script, non-story 5 hours of prime time a week takes 5 hours of network prime time away from real storytellers. With Leno on, we may miss the next "Lost", or "Cheers", or "Seinfeld", or "CSI", or anything else that is groundbreaking television. That's not good.

Leno eliminates the New and the Creative from ever coming to free TV. That's why his show is so dangerous.

After all, when "Survivor" smashed all the ratings, and led the way for hundreds of other "reality TV" shows to go on air without a paid writer in sight, it left LOTS of top notch writers with brand new ideas left out in the cold. Now Leno could potentially help take off even MORE network real estate.

Foir the sake of creativity and televisoon evolution, Leno has to bomb... but the reality is, he'll have really good Mondays and Thursdays and have just ok Tuesdays and Wednesdays and have abysmal Fridays. And Conan O'Brien will have NO guests to book.

And people will start liking Dave Lettewrman again.

12) September 7, 2009 11:26 AM... Anonymous said... Hyatte on Twitter. Coming soon?

Fuck NO!!!!

Only celebrities, both real and sort'a real (which describes every single wrestler out there) can find Twitter useful. It allows them to pretend to show their fans an inside glimnpse of their day to day activites but, of course, really doesn't.

My FAVORITE Twitter ad isn't a Twitter ad at all... it's that commercial for that cellphone company where a family with two teenagers are on the porch and "Dad" is snickering as he "tweets" "I am sitting on the porch" and his MORTIFIED son is all like, "I KNOW You're sitting on the... SIGH." Meanhile the "Mother" is burying the daughter's Facebook page with "I Love YOU" on her "wall" and the daughter is totally embarrassed.

Maybe I'm old, but I completely LOVE the idea that parents can use Facebook and Twitter as ways to RUIN their kids with thier friends. I cracks me up every time.

You notice the people hate Twitter more than Facebook and poor, obsolete, MySpace? In 5 years, VH1 will do "Remember the OO's... 2009" and we'll have sorta' known but not famous celebrites laugh about how Twitter took the world by fire... and then died very quickly.

I like the poeple who first do Myspace, then does Facebook, then does Twitter... and is still talking to the same exact people on one that they talked to on the other. Twitter is for people too lazy or stupid to blog fully.

13) September 6, 2009 2:12 PM... Jay said... Ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?

Well, how do you think I met my current girl!?!?

14) August 21, 2009 8:10 AM... Papa Guido said... "I know in my world, I could use a decent break myself." A break from furiously masturbating into old socks and crying into your microwaved dinner? Why....?

No, stupid. You use your old socks and havr sex with your microwaved dinner. Didn't American Pie teach you ANYTHING??

15) September 7, 2009 11:48 PM... Tony Majestic said... "Hyatte deals in half-truths?" What is he, Satan? As written by George Lucas?

You know, the greatest trick Hyatte ever pulled off is convincing the world that he didn't exist.

That, and "You can't win, Anonymous poster. If you strike me down I will become more possible than you can possibly imagine."

16) September 9, 2009 12:55 PM... Mad Drunk CM Punk said... Hyatte Point taken and appreciated, but what happens if someone in the IWC takes a shot at YOU? You gonna stay quiet? Not fight back?

Punk, I stopped doing columns almost 3 years ago now and no one has taken shots at me save for you nice posters. This isn't a scenario I'm terribly worried about.

17) August 21, 2009 11:42 AM... Anonymous said... My wife gave birth to my first son while you were gone. I named him Chris Hyatte. 50% of this story is true. Welcome back.

So... you're wife gave birth to your mailman's 3rd bastard child and meanwhile, you named your fat manboobs Chris and Hyatte? Good for you, son!!

18) September 14, 2009 10:47 AM... Julie said... Nice blog Chris. While I agree with you about Jeff Hardy - I'll also say that he was entertaining as hell in the old days. Lately (and when I say lately I mean sporadically in the past few years as I have almost all but given up on watching wrestling all together) watching him has been a sad experience...definitely not the entertainer he used to be.

Gray - I agree with you about Kanye - what an ass! I'm hoping that someone tells off this load of horsecrap. What a rude fuck he is!

Have a good week!
Julie

Ah Julie, my darling. Kanye fell deep into a case of, "Hey, I got a great idea!" and went ahead and did it and it all backfired on him. At the time, I'm sure he thought it was a GREAT idea that would get everyone talking!

Well, they talked. I think he just thought it would be a case of "Kanye being Kanye" and everyone would be amused. Thing is, he did it to an innocent 17 year old who's idea of shocking was a performance where she tore off her overcoat to reveal.... a long, body hiding red dress. He didn't think everyone would rip him up for this.

19) September 7, 2009 5:31 PM... Gray said... There is no way in hell I'd jump out a perfectly good airplane. If I wanted the thrill of risky behavior, I'd fuck Fergie.

Excuse me, Sir. Her face may not be much but her body is slamming... and she knows how to WORK IT.

That's a fine piece of slightly moldy lettuce.

And, the broad can SING

Strong lyrics... deep impressions are made.

And Will I Am's gonna hook us up a few years down the road. If he doesn't lose all his money fighting plagerism lawsuits, that is.

20) September 11, 2009 1:26 PM... Anonymous said... Weird... I think I might know Hyatte in real life...

Nooooooo you don't.

21) September 8, 2009 12:53 AM... Anonymous said... Hmmm...Hyatte, if your goal with the blog is to antagonize the people that read it, it's working I'll give you that. But what happens when this "audience" grows tired of it and stops coming back?

I don't know. 11 years and no one's left yet.

I'm outtie. See you next week.

Hardy Har Har

2009-09-13T20:17:00.003-04:00

The Ongoing Monthly thing is boring me. And wqhen I'm bored, you get cranky because posts aren't made. It is how it is.

In case you're wondering, I'll be watching Tom Brady lead the New England Patriots against T.O. and the Buffalo Bills on Monday Night Football tomorrow night. I don't care WHO is the "guest host" of RAW tomorrow, (and quite frankly, I've given her enough of my time and attention with NOTHING to show for it, so blah... let me know if she blows a few promos. Besides, she'll have enough marks online telling her how awesome she is. Her husband probably will sleep through it, but her lemmings will flip).

This is Brady back with something to prove... and job to finish, and a magical season pissed away in one game to redeem himself with. A fucking carnival act that breeds nothing but contempt for its audience takes a DISTANT second.

This WWE company amazes me. They clearly market their product based 100% on ignorance. "Hey, are top stars obviously pump about 4 gallons of steroids in their veins a week, but they make us money so we'll look the other way when they hand over a cup of the costume designer's piss for testing. (Or do you really want to tell me Triple H, John Cena, and Randy Orton are clean? Really?), but we are FAMILY entertainment! Bring the kids! We're ROLE MODELS!"

Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy just got nailed on possession and intent charges. The pain kills are one thing... it's the traces of coke on the scale (paraphernalia) that's got him locked to rights. If not a scale, then a snort pipe... or a tiny mirror... or a fucking twenty dollar bill all rolled up.

Sorry, FIVE dollar bill, this is trailer trash we are talking about.

No, I don't think Hardy was selling anything... but he was partying... heavy and a lot and with friends. And one of them probably got pulled over with some of that blow Hardy had... and he flipped on Hardy for a lesser charge. That's how it generally works,

Good. Fuck Jeff Harady and fuck the WWE. They knew what he was up to. They just half-assed bitched at him about it because he made them money. Anyone who makes them a dime is tolerated and looked after. See, Vince never, ever saw his wrestlers as people, just objects whose importance to him was based on how well they drew.

And the wrestlers look at US, you and me, the fans, as just morons who will hand them our money. Trust me, I have a bit of experience at this. The WWE trains their entertainers to look at anyone who knows their name and what they do as potential ATM machines. "If they know us, they will pay to see me work live, I will be nice to them so they will pay extra hard to see me live."

Thats what Matt Hardy does with his 29 social network accounts... works the fans so that they will pay to see him... and so corporate will see how many fans he has and consider him valuable. It's why Greg Helms, that thick ass loser, still has a job... because he works the marks through MySpace and Facebook. It's why that redneck hillbilly Matt Hardy is, like, the ONLY WWE star who actively posts on his WWE Universe account... to create a false sense of fandom.

So, they work the fans and Vince makes them think he sees them as anything else but walking ATM machines... under the rules of whatever fake platform their company wantsd to operate from these days. Now they are PG friendly... good for the KIDS!! And they have Cena smiling from ear to ear and he is the modern day Hulk Hogan.

But the truth is hard to hide when your super heroes kill their families or are drug riddled junkies. It was easier 20 years ago when the Internet didn't broadcast everything 5 minutes after its reported. 20 years ago, Vince could lay a few thousands in a few hands and keep things quiet from that one reporter. Now, you get arrested and the Smoking Gun has your mugshot. TMZ has 5 different camera phones filming the arrest as Hardy is cuffed and led to the squad car (not really, but you know what I mean). Vince is older now and so isolated in his billionaire world that the news doesn't reach him until someone from their public relations department tells someone else, who tells someone else, who tells Stephanie, who tells him. Much too late to stop the news.

Basically, its like this... everyone in the WWE knew about Jeff... they looked the other way... he partiend hard in his trailer and it bit him on the ass because when yoiu are a dumb fuck, you hanve dumb fuck friends... and now he's finished. His brother is a useless cocksucker who is right now finding a way to parlay this into furthering his career. A lot of imbeciles will defend Jeff even though its clear he is a ridiculous cause to back. His fans will sob and tell him he rules and a great many wrestling fans online will wipe their fake tears and write long columns about how Jeff FINALLY finds the "help he needs". And Vince will start wondering what will happen to him and how long it will take before he can rehire him and use him like a racehorse again because... God dammit, he's awfully popular and there can still be money made off this kid,

And by the way, Hardy doesn't need "help"... he doesn't want help. He is as unrepentitive as anyone I've ever seen. And I've seen a lot of assholes. I hope he dies... not for any personal reasons, but because the WWE has been coasting along on the ignorance of the world for far too long. Maybe this one last death will FINALLY...

Nah... never happen.

Anyway, that's why I'll be skipping Raw tomorrow. If I want to see a yoga instructor I can visit any one the the ten studios within 25 miles of me... at least the ones not out of business.

Later this week, I'll be answering many comments... and other things.

Your Ongoing September Blog

2009-09-07T00:26:00.006-04:00

WEEK ONE

The Game Changer

Gravity is a greedy bitch. Superman is a made up pile of FUCKING BULLSHIT.

Thems are the third and fourth thing I thought of as I was dropping like a lead fart. The second was Keanu Reeves is an asshole. In Point Break, he jumped without goggles. So did Roger Moore in one of his James Bond movies. Hard wind can rip your eyes out of their sockets. You can dive buck ass naked if you want, but doing so without SOMETHING protecting your eyes will blind you good and proper... unless you close them, but believe me, you don't want to do that. You would miss EVERYTHING.

The first thought I had? I wondered where I found the balls to take that first step, and thank God I did.

The movies will never tell the truth. You are going fast... FAST. The ground just zooms at you. You feel like you have seconds, and you do... 35 to be exact.

You can't breathe up there very much either. The wind shoves itself in your mouth. You gulp for air rather than breathe, its going in too hard...

...but man, MAN, is it clean air. It's thin, but its babyfresh.

So yeah, you try to fly. Casually, you try to be cool about it, but you make all the comic book poses. This is where you declare that Superman is an asshole. It doesn't matter if you scream it or not, you can barely hear anything. You have earplugs in. Do you REALLY want your ears exploding at 12K feet? No, didn't think so.

I could've been assraped and I wouldn't have known. Not too thrilled with experiencing this with a dude... (and believe me, he was a dude, totally Patrick Swayzeish. I half expected him to invite me out to rob a bank after we hit the ground. I would've gone for it... so long as I got to wear a Warren G Harding mask.) He's on your ass, literally spooning you. If you aren't screaming "WHOO HOO", don't worry, he's got you covered.

The funny thing is, you want to fall all day, there is nothing like it. It's death and life all at once, it's not like you see God or anything, but you get a teeny sense of what He sees, how grand it all is, how remarkable life is. The ocean will never look so blue again, lawns will never look so green. Brown and gray buildings and homes will never look so intrusive to nature.

Then the chute opens and the speed your going is cut by half. Now your heart starts to calm, and it gets easier to breathe, and you can absorb what you're doing and what you're seeing. And its a game changer.

...but I know how it works... you appreciate things more and have this fucking amazing adrenaline high and want to go have the most incredible sex you've ever had... and if you're lucky, you can make the euphoria last for a few days before your normal routine overwhelms you and sets itself back in. But for those first few days after you land safely without blowing out a knee or shattering an ankle... well, they haven't made a rock of crack that could top this buzz.

For a few days, life is awesome. And you make some decisions you should've made years ago. And you start cutting out the pointless. Get rid of the useless. Revamp and reevaluate.

And try to make the high last. Its free and legal and its the best.

The New Girl

Is curvy and nice and funny and a good cook and smart and loves to play scrabble and chess and eats like a champ and burns it all away. And she is normal, not afraid of age, and doesn't look like an anorexic space alien.

It's nothing. It's everything. I'm not thinking about it. I'm just rolling.

And since she facebooks, and since she doesn't know of this blog, you don't get a name or a face or anything. It's not your business. Never was. Nothing I do is. You take what I give you and run with it all you like, because the TRUTH is... oh, wait... I'll save this for later.

The Drunken Lion

I don't know how much coverage he got anywhere else, but here in New England, Teddy Kennedy's death and funeral received 24 hour press.

And they focused on the good while skimming briefly over the bad. What bad, you ask?

Well... he killed a girl. He was driving drunk and dumped a car in Lake Chappaquiddick. He swam to shore and crawled to a bart where he waited until he sobered up before calling the EMTs. Problem was, there was a girl in the car that drowned. Teddy chose his career over another person's life.

And then he played a rather large role in a certain 'Kennedy Compound" scandal in the late 80's. His nephew apparently raped a girl during a party. He was acquitted... but the record did show that Teddy was a part of the party that evening... and was quite ballface drunk during the time.

Then there are the tales that do not make it in the papers, but Massachusetts people have a way of spreading the word. Countless tales of a drunk Ted groping, manhandling, and fondling poor girls, and screaming at anyone who would dare try to stop him.

See, the dark side is he's a Kennedy, the last true one. He's ENTITLED. That's what the fawning press doesn't report... the way they carry themselves as if they are entitled to be above the law, above proper etiquette. On The Simpsons, Mayor Joe Quimby IS Ted Kennedy... why else do you think he has that accent?

But... you hear other things... like the family whose daughter has a rare blood disease, and whose insurance decided to get out of the free care business with her, and how her desperate family placed a phone call to Kennedy's office in D.C. and explained their tale to one of his aides. You hear how they hung up the phone and said, "Well, it's a shot." and expect6ted not much in return.

Then you hear about how, a week later, their doctor calls and said the insurance changed their minds and the girl will be covered completely. You hear how Senator Kennedy made a quiet phone call and straightened things out and got one of his constituentes, without any press or hype, the insurance coverage they needed to give their daughter a life. You hear this story, about a Senator who will tend to his plants as well as the big forest and ask for little fanfare in return.

You read about a Senator who will cross party lines when he sees a benefit for the people. You see a benefactor for an entire, affluent state who often does what's best for his people before his party. You sneer at unlimited terms but begrudgingly agree that he did a lot of good and his state was safe and looked after with him in the seat.

But then you think, "He killed a girl." You wonder about all the girls he groped and manhandled and all the damage he did while drunk.

I'm basically from Massachusetts, and I'm not politically historic enough to open my own argument. So I ask you, outsiders... a question that no one I've talked to from around here can answer evenly.

Ted Kennedy. Did his work in the Senate redeem his private life? Did he end up doing more good than harm?

30 + years ago, he let a girl drown. Did he redeem himself?

I'm curious to hear your opinions.

For the Last Time: The Catfish Takes The Bait (The State of the Blogspot)

Enjoy this, kids, because it will be the last time.

Truth is, I don't care if Wade Keller takes in more cock then an fucking henhouse. I don't care if Jay Powell swallowed enough cum to puke over Bermuda and impregnate half the island with little bald runts. I don;'t care who YOU don't care for and who you want me to... "destroy".

See, I'm retired, its over. And since a Judge already ruled that you really can't hide under a semi-fake name anymore and trash who you want, my timing was right on.

Ask me to "attack" someone else, like Jeff Smalls and Larry Csonka. My answer will be FUCK YOU. Grow a pair and attack them yourselves.

Do you miss the "Old Hyatte" who would burn someone down for no real reason? Grow the fuck up. Suck my cock. He's still here, but he's smart enough to know when to quit. And he realizes that he doesn't have a column anymore.

SEE, YOU STUPID FUCKFACES... I was doing a COLUMN where my job was to CONFOUND my bosses who thought I couldn't draw, and DREW. Widro will never admit how important I was to him... he'll NEVER admit that I gave him the means to open his own web site and do something with it... his problem is that he never did.

Ashish will never admit that I MADE IT POSSIBLE for 411 to be the.... whatever it is today. He's as big as he is and as wealthy as he is because of me... but he won't admit that.

But IT WAS A COLUMN. This isn't a COLUMN, it's a blog. A blog where I don't care who comes and reads. A lot of you don';t get this. It's not a BLOG. I have no RESPONSIBILITIES HERE. I post when I want. About what I want. Period. FUCKING END OF SENTENCE.

And I don't care... fuck them... I know the score, so do they, and so do YOU, if you've been following me for any length of time, you know what I made possible. Who cares... Inside Pulse bombed and Ashish still refuses to offer payment to anyone. He's an Indian, it's normal procedure.

But still, you dumb fucks keep trying and trying to goad me... and sometimes it works... but not anymore. And neither will shit like this:

September 5, 2009 2:18 PM...Anonymous said... hyatte's post, translated:

- "I met someone" - Finally, we get the latest dramatic twist. Something to take our minds off of that time when someone called Grut saying he could walk all over you, then you dared him to "toe up" and switched the blog to invite only. This is just like that time you got married! More comments! More controversy! Wow, I'm commenting too! That might mean I'm falling for it too! Or GAY! And you're still reading this comment! This is an anonymous post and that's a BIG DEAL!

You're so full of shit. Go ahead and tell us allll about your bromance, pussyface. On Monday. After skydiving.

Yeah, Anonymous missed a rather important part of his history here...

The part where I challenged someone to "walk all over me" and go "toe up" and... well, I didn't go directly to "Invite Only"... there was a week or so where I went "No Anonymous Allowed."

And no one answered. When I asked for someone to toss me around like a bitch and to finally EXPOSE ME, I decided that they should sign it with a real ID... I wanted to see if anyone had the balls to come out of the shadows and show themselves. I mean, taking me down and nailing me on my own turf is still something to be semi-proud of? Isn't it?

Yeah, well... not only didn't "Grut" respond, after a looooong period of openness, no one did. Not a one. No one.

You had your chance, now its over.

You fucking cowards.

You'll never have my respect, or my worry, or my attention. Because you proved that unless you can post anonymously, you are a fucking pussy. Chickenshit cowards. No one can "walk over me" becaue the second I make you attach a real name, you run away like fucking mice when the humans walk into the room. Fucking children... gutless little faggots.

I live on my own, pay bills, have great credit, work a job that I like, get laid whenever I want, and have lots of spending money. I made friends with at least one big time WWE wrestler without ever going to a show or stalking them at a fucking bar. She comes to me. You come to me. You think I'm some sort of loser. You're posting, ONLY under a blanket of anonymity because you're a gutless fucking coward, on a loser's board. Makes you less then me, doesn't me... but I knew that anyway... anyone WITH the balls to put a real name to their posts (JesseBaker, Frank, Rich, Byron, Julie, Porn Valley, Moonage, Bruce, Gray, and a few others who know they aren't part of who I am talking to right now) knew it. You are cowards.

Cowards,

So you think you're going to bug me anymore? Run me offline? To what purpose? Who are you going to brag to? "Hey dudes, guess what? I berated a guy on his blog until he stopped posting!!!" Yeah, you know, I sort of see some of you thinking that is actually plausible. Might get you laid, huh?

Fucking cowards. I gave you a shot, you slunk away and didn't return until I bought back anonymous posting. Little pieces of timid dogshit. Useless. Worthless. You're tru=ying to beat up a blogger and can't do it because you're too afraid I might catch you're real name or real address.

Or real IP address... which I can get to, you know. STUPID FUCKS.

So go for it again. Attack me. Talk about how I can be walked all over. Beg me to attack some lame 411 writer with the empty audience Saturday slot. Ask me to goof on Wade keller because he's gay. Waste your time some more. Oh, you're stupid fucking post will make it on here... and maybe I'll let it stay...

But I'll ignore you, like everyone else in your life... you'll be ignored.

See, I don't deal with people who hide. When I attacked, I always had an email address to be contacted by. I always gave someone room to make it real. I didn't hide. I didn't yell at people from the shadows. I was easily accessible. You little fairies hide... hide like bitches. Like little fucking cowards.

Just fucking sit there and think of something blistering to say here and high five yourself if I respond. You know where you are in life and you can only ASSUME... based on what I feed you, on where I am. And even infantasy, you know I am a better writer, a better date, and a more fun ride then you can ever hope to be...

And I'm about 5X smarter than you.

And I could probably beat the living shit out of you in a fight. Just because you watch all the possible UFC programming allowed doesn't make you a bgad ass.

You fucking fairies. From here on out, I only respond to people with balls. "Grut" ain't included.

When I offered you to go toe up, you ran your toes far away. I know who you are now. We all do. You ain't shit. Just little cowards. All you are. Little cowards.

Yeah, stay anonymous. It's now amusing.

Monday

2009-09-04T22:32:00.003-04:00

A nice full post. Talk about all sorts of things.

I went skydiving for the first time last month.

And I met someone.

*Edit*: Just a reminder, there are 24 hours in a day. And nowhere did I say it would be up first thing.

Busted Hy8

2009-08-20T10:24:00.002-04:00

So welcome back.

Somewhere along the way I decided to take August off. Blogging is hard when you got nothing to say.

Thanks to all 5 of you who actually asked for invites, and the handfull of you who tried to join up and sneak in.

But as you can see, nothing changed. There wasn't a secret party held for just a select few. Nothing new here. Nothing. You missed nothing. Stop being so paranoid, dummy.

So, while I decide if I want to start back early, you can jump back into things here and say hi. Free and open.

You missed me, admit it, bitch.

Busted July (Updated 9/29 1:00 pm)

2009-07-28T10:16:00.004-04:00

Even with all the bullshit posts - that are fun to read but really doesn't need my involvement - I have a SHITLOAD of catching up to do.

And right now, these days, I'm very very busy... and very, very gay, apparently.

So just hang loose and I'll play catch up whenever I can. Just as soon as I get this cock out of my mouth.

And here's a fresh comment board for you. Nice and easy.

************

Two weeks behind. I'm so two thousand late.

Then again, remember when I used to be 2-4 MONTHS behind?? Perspective, pplz

301) July 17, 2009 10:01 AM... From That British Fan Forum said...

Harsh.

"Home Improvement has not aged well, and Chris Hyatte is about as funny as Tim Allen. At least Tim Allen would be fun to party with. "

Harsh... was that sarcasm? Is that supposed to be a crack? I'm about as funny as a major comedian whose awfully successful show which still runs on TV Land and generates TONS of residuals. I'm being compared to THAT? And its supposed to be "harsh"?

This is why I never went back there for seconds. There "comebacks" were pathetic. "OH, THAT BLOODY SOT IS NO BETTER THAN... THAN... TIM ALLEN!!! AYE, THAT'LL SHOW HIM NOT TO MESS WITH US!!" Or they bitched because I didn't open a heathly debate over gay rights in the states. Oh bollocks to that.

And by the way, "Home Improvement" is timeless. Watch any given show and you'll always laugh at least once.

Lame asses over there. I tried to get them going and they bloody well put the whole thread in a coma.

302) July 17, 2009 10:54 AM... Anonymous said... What? Oh yes, comparing him to Tim Allen. Saying Allen would be more fun to party with Real nice burn. Hyatte just got served.

You need to put in eye rolling emoticons here, Hy-Rate.

Yeah... no.

303) July 17, 2009 3:46 PM... richardrh said... RE: Hyatte dying Maybe i'm the only one thinking this (well aside from the original poster--if im right)...

But wasn't the first Hyatte is dead post meant to mean that the "Old Hyatte", who never would have retracted the Keller story, died, and not Hyatte himself dying?

That's what I thought initially, but then all the clowns were going on about you really being dead (joking or not), so i didnt want to spoil anything.

Ahh, the old Hyatte is dead, huh? I didn't see that angle either. Makes sense.

And sir, I now think that YOU were the anonymous culprit who started this death game. I suspect YOU were the one to say RIP... and then sat back amazed that no one picked up on your real intent. Confess Richard, and be judged by your peers.

And the Old Hyatte probably wouldn't have pulled it. His nervous, asinine site owners would have done it for him, without him asking. And then Widro and I would fight about it for 3 days while he cried about never getting laid. Ahh, the early aughts. That was a time.

304) July 17, 2009 5:24 PMstewie said... "267) July 10, 2009 1:23 PM... Anonymous said... Who gets custody of Patricia? ... okay, this was me. And the answer, of course, is Stewie gets her." !!!!!!! Let's get this in legalish writing, like with signatures and notaries and so on. Any lawyers out there want to do me a favour?

Stewie, you won't believe this, but trust me, you wouldn't want her. She's a bit of a basket case.

305) July 18, 2009 2:30 PM... Anonymous said... I kinda wonder if you could maybe delete the comments you answer from here? Would just make it easier for us, but no big deal. Thanks for this though - quality entertainment.

I will not delete comments. There are a lot of folks who remember to show up once a month or so and I want them to see what they missed. You regulars just need to scroll UP and read from the most recent to wherever you left off.

306) July 18, 2009 7:32 PM... richardrh said... Hyatte, Any thoughts on the Erin Andrews nude hotel tape?

Not really, but it makes me feels better that there are a shitload of people out there waaaaay creepier than me.

If whoever made that peephole tape is older than 30, then he should be thrown in prison... and not in Gen pop either, no...

Remember in The Shawshank Redemption when the warden threatened that if Tim Robbins didn't mind his P's and Q's and kept his mouth shut, he would throw him in the basement of the prison with all the perverts and sodomites? Remember how eerie that threat was? Well, if the peeper is caught and he's this 30 something freak... I want him tossed in the basement. TOSS HIM!!

HOW CAN YOU BE SO OBTUSE???

307) July 19, 2009 8:19 PM... Buzzed Aldrin said... I've been to the moon and seen the stars...but all I want is Uranus

What's up, Flea. Still saving all the thoughtful stuff for CRZ's "weinerboard" I see. Tell Justin Shapiro (if you can get his cock out of your mouth long enough, that is) Hyatte says you're welcome for creating his entire act whenever he covers for Todd Martin for Meltzer's Raw recap.

308) July 20, 2009 12:45 AM... Anonymous said... Tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight, oooooooooooooo... Got make it right, tonight, tonight, tonight, oooooooooooooooooo...

Broken promises much Hyatte?

I have no clue what you are referring to... but yeah, pretty much... and yet oddly enough, when I give my word, it's always a done deal. A man's word is everything. Women, not so much.

309) July 20, 2009 10:13 AM... Numan said... Decor on this blog has always been vile. Make you wonder what Hyatte's place must look like. I bet 1970s flower wallpaper, the occasional coffee stain, no mirrors, and a single Trish Stratus poster... laminated for easy wipe-off cleaning.

Decor on this blog is courtesy of the VERY LIMITED choices blogspot gives you when you want to change things up. And I am NOT going to put forth hours and effort to build my own. I take what I have available and pick the least boring one.

I sort of miss the lighthouse landscape. It was mellowing. Spark a doobie and wwatch the ocean sort of thing.

My place is laid back and clean, except for the bird's room. And I throw in all the old furniture in there so he can spend the day chewing shit up and being occupied.

I have mirrors, assface. Fuck you!

No Stratus posters... they don't do anything for me because I always look at them and wonder where the hell is the girl's neck? If you want to see what TRUE obsessed Trish fans are like, go to her MySpace page and read her wall.

310) July 20, 2009 12:09 PM... Anonymous said... Guys- did anyone catch the newest Article in the Bristol paper? http://eastbayri.com/town/bristol/chrisgatreaux.html

... okay...

There is nothing to that link it goes nowhere... like your sperm when you jack off, it goes NO WHERE.

My last name has no X in it. None. Jesus.

And I am in Northern Rhode Island, Bristol is mid-southern. I know, it's a teeny state so it's not like L.A to Sacremento... but I'm far enough to not be on the radar of Bristol's main penny saver.

The sad thing is, this is the best some of you can do to get to me here.

311) July 20, 2009 2:58 PM... Truth, Inc. said...

And now, an exclusive. I'm going to reveal three facts about Chris Hyatte.

His real name. His address. And where he works.

No joke. All real. All here.

...
...
...

And I'll finish this up tonight.

Yeah, here's another one. Here's one fact about Truth. Inc. My own fucking exclusive:

He wanted to scare me into going into Moderate Comments Mode so I could blow out any sort of revelation I thought he could possibly have. He wanted to get me all paranoid and shit.

I called his bluff and he never dropped any bombs... because he doesn't have any.

People... people, people, people.... some of you still think you can outfox me. I am 5 steps ahead of all of you at all times. My identity is 100% protected with not a single hole by which to squirm through and causer shit.

None of you assholes frighten me in the slightest.

But some of you DO have the ability to mess with my head for about 10 minutes... like this next post.

312) July 20, 2009 5:04 PM... Anonymous said... bored of your shit now Chris. how about you make the effort for once. you know where i am. last week was not you at your best. try again.

I have no idea who this is... but it could be one of three people... all women, well... GIRLS (one of them needs to grow up). So obviously, its some DUDE who's just bored... and effeminate.

313) July 20, 2009 8:46 PM... Anonymous said... While it has been labeled as a "personal leave", Dixie Carter ordered Jeff Jarrett to go home following the mysterious call on the Bubba the Love Sponge Show that stated that Jarrett and Karen Angle were now together. -- i didn't think it was possible to get me to watch wrestling again.

p.s. - i wish you had died.

luv,

your fake ex-wife.

You know, I was thinking, "It's fucking Russo! It's a WORK!" Because Russo has always been obsessed with mixing real with carny. But then I was reminded that Karen Angle is an ex-stripper... and them girls are a strange bunch... and don't really have anything in terms of morals. And once they find a sugar daddy to take them off the pole, they will do anything to stay off it and keep the lifestyle they had.

So it could very well be legit. We'll see.

There are no negatives here! Jarrett stays off TV so we don't have to watch them try to put him over while the audience snores away. Angle comes back home to the WWE and gets a light schedule and we get a shitload of dream matches revisited as the greatest wrestler of our time returns. And we get the fun of watching this drama unfold which may end with Jeff Jarrett being thrown out of the company HE FOUNDED!! Out on his ASS.

Wins all around.

314) July 21, 2009 3:47 AM... been down since the red and black, but I liked the blue and yellow redesign better. said... Hy-rate, Dude, I just wrote a REALLY long comment, and my drunk ass put it in the wrong month. GODDAMBNIT!! Can you move it for me, or even put it up where I posted it so I can cut and paste? I thought that it was somthing that needed to be said in the comments. Thanks for your time.

Yeah, for the record, I wasn't about to cut and paste for you anyway. You make your own messes and by Christ you will clean them up.

315) July 21, 2009 4:24 AM... Anonymous said... It's in the May comments. Took me about 5 seconds to find and I'm totally baked... try harder fuckwad.

Just wanted to note that you made me laugh out loud legit with this post. Thank you, hippie stoner dude.

And with that, I am now only a week behind or so.

And next post... I'm going to slap a few of you around. Fucking clowns.

**************************

Your July Ongoing Blog (Updated July 22, 12:30 pm)

2009-07-04T12:43:00.035-04:00

IS all safely tucked away here

Your June Ongoing Blog

2009-06-04T11:00:00.049-04:00

Ahhh you lucky dopes

A full June blog is right here, all in one sitting. Did I answer YOUR question? Was the answer witty, hilarious, and insightful? Go check. All free, all for fou..

Your May Ongoing Blog

2009-05-21T13:10:00.035-04:00

Ahh, you lucky fuckfaces.

By clicking here you have access into an entire month of blogging where I decided to, and actually did, post something daily and frequently! Comments were made, jokes were told, opions were weighed. All free, all for you!

So go already.

Sack it to me (Update)

2009-05-12T10:54:00.005-04:00

It's shrinking. The growth on my crotch is SHRINKING!!

..... story of my fucking life.

********

There is a lump on the right side of my ball sac. Not on the gonad itself, just on the sac. The skin is irritated.

I plan on ignoring it.

Oh, and I DESPERATELY need to buy some nair. Oooh good lord. Disgusting.

Breaking the Silence

2009-05-04T02:01:00.005-04:00

Has it been a day shy of two weeks? Wow, how time flies.

You know who's not cured? Britney Spears. Remember how we all spent 2007 watching her meltdown on Perez Hilton and other gossip sites/magazines? Remember how much fun it was watching her go crazy? Well, she hasn't changed a bit, she just has a tighter leash on.

"Get out there and perform!" her father screams. And she's borrowing cell phones to call her ex boyfriend and manager to try to help her get out of her family prison. But her Dad has restraining orders on them so they can't get within 300 feet of her or some such.

She's a performing monkey kept either in a cage or on stage.

Not that I care, but following this is fascinating, only because there HAS to be a major blow-up coming. Somethings got to give.

Anyway, I thought I'd interact with you by answering a bunch of comments. Its been a'while. I need to write something, just to write. One day I'll find a REAL purpose to this blog, something useful and not just a time waster. Until then, bare with me.

1) April 27, 2009 10:45 AM... Swine flu said... Don't matter where you live. I'M COMING FOR YOU, BITCHES!!

She ain't lying either.

Remember the good ol' days when a swine flue meant how fast you flew out of the room once you sobered up and saw what you just fucked? BOOM!! KAPOWEEEE!! HO, HOOOOOOO

2) March 12, 2009 3:52 PM ... Anonymous said... Howard Stern. Because you haven't mentioned him much since he left FM radio, and you acknowledged him as an early influence. Just curious as to your assessment of his career.

I don't have Satellite radio and, since my radio days are limited to going to and from work (and its mostly CDs there), I can't justify even the few bucks a month it charges. So I haven't listened to Stern in ages.

I DO, however, have his in-demand channel, and I am SO GLAD it isn't constant naked chicks like he did on his E show. I mean, scrambled titties are fine but NOT night after night.

One thing about Stern that his haters do NOT get is that he was never about swearing or low-grade toilet humor. That's not why he rocked. What made Stern awesome was how he got people to reveal themselves. Not his interviews either (although he came as close to making Warren Beatty interesting then anyone else... EVER) I mean with his staff. I mean when he got fights going, when he yelled at people... when he instigated fights and arguments.

There was nothing more riveting, to me, then when he spent an hour getting Stuttering John to fight with Robin, or reaming out Gary for something, or getting Jackie and Robin fighting, or getting Fred to go from 0-60 in about 2 seconds. I know, I know, Jackie is gone and now its Artie, and Howard lets Artie fuck up, call out sick, eat himself to death, or just fall asleep because he knows he can get some real, human drama on his show.

If I had a choice between watching four girls cum on the Sybian machine or 45 minutes of Howard goofing on Scott the Engineer, I wouldn't see one titty bounce.

The rules he broke and the trails he blazed will always be known for the naked girls and dark, toilet humor. But Stern's gift will be that he could have always ran a clean show... one fit for any free, terrestrial station in the land... because he knew how to make real people forget that they were being broadcast to millions of people and were peaking their minds.

These days, Howard is older, and calmer, it seems... but he still has that knack for getting people to be themselves whenever he wanted. He sized everyone up and nailed their buttons whenever he wanted. That is a genius at work.

However, he lost me when Jackie quit, he got divorced, and his show was bracketed by 30 minutes of commercials because his radio station were desperate to make enough to pay his show's overhead. Plus Opie and Anthony were on fire in New York and he was feeling it. All those things together made for a really bad patch of radio in his career.

Oh, and no one made Richard Simmons hilarious like Stern did. And Gilbert Godfried. And Pat Cooper. And Richard Belzer. They all owe their careers to Stern.

Not that he could make EVERYONE interesting... a couple of WWF Divas showed up on the show one day, years and years ago and... ugh... really bad radio... very boring... they wouldn't say anything and got rather pissy with him. Bad segment.

3) March 13, 2009 2:59 AM... Anonymous said... At Scoops, were all the postings by the GF/ex-GF (Amy I think it was in the columns?) legit, or was it more like the fake wedding that you created a few months ago? And if she was real, she didn't happen to be a girl named Kat from Cranston that was obsessed with Shawn Michaels was she? If so, damn, she was wild in bed, but a complete nympho ... something that only took me 3 weeks to figure out that she was nailing anything with a penis. Hmmm, you lasted awhile with her I think so it probably wasn't Kat.

No, she was fake. And while I do not count the first column "Amy" wrote as anything special (although the idea of a guest recapper was soon ripped off by some), the second one where she and I co-wrote the column, and ended up bitching at each other... and her current boyfriend, "Juan" (? Sanchez? Manuel?) showed up and started yelling at me in Spanish... well, I liked that one a lot.

So much so that I would drop him into future columns for no reason just so we could yell at each other. Sort of like how that Chicken attacks Peter in "Family Guy" and they brawl for a good two minutes for no reason, then the chicken takes off and Peter resumes the plot as if nothing happened.

God, "Family Guy" sucks. "South Park" handed them their ASS a few years back. I love "South Park".

The only girl I knew from Cranston was this really tall girl whose name I forget with big, fake cans who I tried to get something going with but was too flighty. I was done with her quick. You have to keep a tight leash on girls from Cranston. You got to constantly remind them what time it is. And if they don't listen, you drop them like a lame chat buddy (ooo, lookit me being INTRAWEBBISH!!). Dime a dozen, them girls.

4) March 15, 2009 3:31 AM... Paul said.... Gloomchen... Did you fuck her or what

No, almost, but no. Could have. Probably still can. Might someday do, but no.

She's a nice gal. Deep down.

You can tell, just from pictures, that her husband has never lifted anything over 35 pounds in his life. There was no carrying Summer over the threshold on their wedding day. I don't think he's very creative in the ol' sacko either.

He's not reading. She is, he ain't.

Nice girl, really. A drama queen, but a nice girl.

5) March 15, 2009 6:06 AM... R. Smith said... Yogi Bear. Why did he always have to steal those picinic baskets anyway?

Because he needs food to survive and stupid tourists from Newark make for easy snacks, but since they are crapping their pants in their Jettas when Yogi and Boo Boo comes around, their lunches will do.

And bears LOVE peanut butter and jelly sammitches.

Ranger Bob was a moron. And I think he was the first gay cartoon character.

I can recall about 100 different episodes of "The Flintstones"... and not one plot from "Yogi Bear".

6) March 15, 2009 10:09 PM... Pound4Pound said... Lady Gaga - just...why [does she exist]?

I DON'T KNOW!! SHE SUCKS!! Just another mouthy broad from Yonkers who created an image that overcomes her less-than-stellar singing voice. And her record company went overboard in selling her on wikipedia: Gaga got her stage name when the music producer Rob Fusari compared her vocal style to that of Freddie Mercury, and took the name Gaga from the Queen song, "Radio Ga-Ga". OH PLEASE!! Mercury, that homo, could sing ANYTHING... ANY KIND OF GENRE... just blow your PANTS off, he did. Lady Gaga is one year away from being last year's news. Ain't shit.

Here's "Under Pressure"... listen to David Bowie. A legend, a great singer, gifted... now listen to Mercury blow his ass out of the water.

Fer crying out loud.

Lady Gaga... she'll get drunk and let one of her dancers or record producers knock her up and that'll be it for her. And there ain't no way she's 23. Bitch is 29 if she's a day. Just 3 years away from hitting the wall.

7) March 17, 2009 4:36 PM... Anonymous said... Chris - LOVE YOU! I know you've heard that Test died. I wanted to get your thoughts on the subject. ~Julie

He had a mother and father. Someone loved him.

He knew what he was doing, he knew the risks, and he went out looking good. For narcissists like that, its the only way to go.

He died alone. You know what, we all do. If you're surrounded by family with all of their hands gently on yours as you go... guess what, you still go alone.

Or do you? Many times people in their final moments (my Grandmother, for one), looks off and for one moment, their eyes clear up and focus, and either shock, fear, relief, or understanding crosses over their face. Someone comes to collect them.

Someone leads the way.

By the way, Julie... $20 bucks says you have a penis. Daddy's too smart for all of yous.

8) April 16, 2009 8:26 PM... Factor said... Chris, How's things? 'Knowing' was better than it's critics treated it. Nick Cage is the William Shatner of our generation, but this film deserves better. Minus Cage as an actor, there is a great deal to talk about on this film. And in a good way. I can't imagine you haven't seen it. This Cage guy is mediocre and incredible all at the same time. You can really feel the inadequacy coming through on screen. He gives the whole range. Better than it received, despite the Cage-miester.

Nic Cage is 50/50 with me. But he's a lot of fun to watch. He's just not worth paying to see in a theATree (hyuck).

Now, I give Cage credit... he does most of his movies now just for the money. He wants to buy a castle, he makes "Gone in 60 Seconds"... wants property in Bora Bora? His agent calls Disney and another "National Treasure" is fast tracked. He's a sell-out and a proud one.

But if you pay attention, you see Cage also focuses on things in every movie that he finds interesting. Can he play a full out drunk and make him different from every drunk every played in movies? Well, he tried to in Leaving Las Vegas and won an Oscar for it. Can he play a reluctant FBI chemist caught in a war against trained mercenaries and make it fun? So he signed on for The Rock . Can he play John Travolta on acid? Face/Off.

Can he play a role where, midway through the movie, he experiences every sensation known to man and every emotion for the first time? City of Angels.

Can he play a genial, decent private eye who has to wallow through the disgusting underworld of snuff porn and almost lose his soul in the process? 8MM?

Oh sure, he takes the money and signs on to most everything these days, but the fun to a Nic Cage flick is to watch and see what small challenge prompted him to take the role. Sometimes, you'll find one.

Damn shame is hairline went all kabloowee on him, though.

Speaking of weird movie roles, but having NOTHING to do with Nic Cage... anyone else watch The Departed and wonder if Jack Nicholson was reading from the script of another movie and Scorcese just spliced him into this one?

9) April 28, 2009 11:50 PM... Big Fat Phil said... Go Hyatte! Really. Just go.

Nope. But I laughed at this, so you got that going for you.

10) April 15, 2009 6:14 AM... Johnny The Cow said... Chris... Is there one match that would make you come back to wrestling for a prolonged period? For the buildup, anticipation, and the match itself? Are there any real "dream" matches left?

Nope. I'm done.

However, dream matches I want to see are the same ones all of us want to see...

Rock vs HBK (oh my Lord, so much more then Rock vs Cena)

And then to convince Sting to come aboard for two years and milk every single dream match we can, I guess.

Oh, and a healthy Bret Hart back to run through a few stars.

That's about it, I guess.

11) April 20, 2009 6:10 PM... Anonymous said... Kinda like SternFanNetwork. Most get on to complain about the show and offer their pearls of wisdom... So that freaky sex club trip in NY didn't happen,Hyatte? Abe

Abe, for chrissakes, go down to the ass end of Greenwhich Village and find out for yourself if your so fucking curious. It ain't evil, just freaky. No one will hurt you unless you ask.

I'll tell the story when I want to.

12) March 13, 2009 3:25 PM... Rinsa said... This your way of deflecting attention away from the fact that you fucked up with the Jericho pics, and your readers called you out on it? Lame lame lame. Try harder.

Oh, would those be the pictures of him posing with Kelly Kelly that you all got on me about for over-assuming wrong things about Jericho the model family guy? WOULD THOSE BE THE SAME PICTURES THAT WERE FOLLOWED UP BY A PICTURE OF THEM TWO KISSING????

Yep, you readers sure called me out... and when more evidence turned up and I was proven right... AGAIN... you all shut the fuck up nice and quick, didn't you.

And by "trying harder" should I be like you, Rinsa? Flooding my comments with attention-seeking bullshit that I end up yanking because they bore everyone, mostly me?

I was right and you, as usual, were dead wrong,

Lame.

Lame.

Lame.

Now go ply your brand of wackiness on Scooter's board,

13) March 13, 2009 9:35 AM... Anonymous said... Honky Tonk Man. Any time Honky comes up it's a great read

Quoting him is a great read? Then go to his site.

The one thing I like about Honky is that he appears to be completely convinced that he's still relevant and a draw (and before anyone says, "KINDA LIKE YOU, HYATTE!!" I will... HA, got'cha!! Cumstain.) I don't know if he still does it, but I used to get a kick out of his announcement section where he would title announcements with "Houston, Get Ready!", "Philly, Get Ready!", "Tuscon, Get Ready!!" Honky was coming to town!

And I don't think he understands that he was one of the worst wrestlers I've ever seen. And that his IC title reign was a rib, possibly on the WWE audience.

He looks good for his age, though.

14) March 13, 2009 7:47 PM... Ken said... Well, we've seen you take shots at wrestling writers in the past, but none of the more recent guys to pop up. Steve Randle has your old Monday spot at 411, let's hear you take him on.

Do you people understand that I DO NOT READ 411???

I have no opinion on Steve Randle because I do not read Steve Randle.

Although, he's had my "old slot" long enough, I think its time to say that I used to have his spot now.

15) March 12, 2009 10:08 PM .... Anonymous said... Al Isaacs. I never get tired of hearing stuff about the guy. From his questionable choice of staff, to his news reports. Also his decision to move away from the red stripe and to the blue and yellow was the real kiss of death for Scoops.

You have to understand, in 1997-1998-1999, Al WAS the Internet. Everyone came to him because he had news, real news that he reported... not reading Meltzer's dirt sheet and writing down what he said (MiCasa) or writing opinion-flaked commentary with an unearned sense of pretentiousness (Scaia). Bob Ryder and Dave Scherer saw what Scoops was and tried to get in on it.

Look, Scoops was so big someone built a parody site as a goof and turned it into a semi-influential entity on its own (ScoopThis). NO ONE has done this since.

His news reports... which had bad info a lot because Al trusted his sources too much (and lately we ALWAYS hear about how often Vince changes his mind... and how Hogan and the WCW millionaires forced Nitro to change their scripts on an hourly basis), were one page... done 5 times a week... were quick and easy and were from his heart. He was a fan first... a legit mark for wrestling. You just don't see that anymore.

And... umm... his choice of staff was mostly my fault. Everyone who came after I was hired (and Scoops was only around less then a year before came aboard) were influenced by me... and wanted to get in what I was doing. Only Rich in KC stayed true to himself... and Freakboy (UGH) TRIED, at least, to be different... but they all drank from my well... and I pissed in it quite a bit.

The Red Stripe died because Al believed what someone told him about selling out... and it bottomed out on him. Maybe things would have been different if I stayed, but I doubt it... I only kept the Mop-Ups going about two years after I left Scoops. I didn't have all that much left in me at that point either.

The guy was awfully sensitive too. Couldn't take criticism.

16) March 13, 2009 8:59 AM... Anonymous said... CRZ - I seem to remember at one point you and he seemed to a mutual respect which seemed to dissipate over the years

Ahhhh... he's a weirdo. Just a flake. And he probably has gray hair... which is fine on manly men like me... but on a dude with 30 year old-obsolete hippie hair? Not so much.

Then add what seems to be a 50 pound weight gain... and a cheesy mustache... and a wife with hands that could crush walnuts. (okay, I'm going on pictures I've seen YEARS ago)... and he was never very fun to talk to. And he's pals with The Rick,

And I was always a much more interesting writer then he was. He paid attention to detail... every... minor... scrap... of... minutia I paid attention to producing an event each and every time out of the gate.

17) March 12, 2009 6:13 PM... Anonymous said... Chris Brown. Because you're a Rihanna fan.

He's more famous now then he ever was before. He'll be forgotten soon enough.

Rihanna, on the other hand, has staying power. She'll be around for a good long time. One wonders if she'll end up obscenely fat like Aretha, a crackhead like Whitney, a completely disjointed from reality diva like Mariah, or have a complete psychotic episode like Britney... or will her nostrils turn into black holes like Dionne Warwick (how snots don't fall out of them things as free as snowflakes on a daily basis is beyond me. Actually, they probably do... it ain't like we see her posing for the paparazzi on a daily basis.)

18) April 12, 2009 10:53 AM... Anonymous said... So tell me if I'm weird...I just banged my girlfriend after banging my wife about 3 hours earlier and all I could think about was coming on here to let Hyatte know.

No, you ain't weird. You just wanted to tell someone and brag, and who better then a guy on the internet who has an outlook on things you can relate to and who is absolutely no threat to rat you out to your wife.

I don't believe in cheating on your spouse, and I wouldn't do it to mine. But life is too short and if you are drawn to someone and fall in love with them, its usually because there is something wrong with your marriage and perhaps you should address that. Or you are just a selfish shithead who likes being evil and doesn't care who you hurt just so long as you get yours.

So which one are you?

Nevermind, I know the answer.

Post your sins whenever you like.

19) April 28, 2009 8:27 AM... Anonymous said... And in Austin - 93.7 KLBJ - morning show is incredible with Dudley & Bob and the Rock n Roll halftime show with Charlie Hodge at noon if great.

No, its not great. Its terrestrial radio and the people who oversee it are so frightening and backwards, that they make the stations eliminate the "K" from Britney Spears single "If U Seek Amy".

For decades, rock stations were allowed to let Roger Daultry sing, "AHHH, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOUUUUU" and somehow, people weren't traumatized and no one got killed. Now, all of the sudden, its deleted... or bleeped... or played backwards.

Morning radio guys are horrible... reduced to talking about how drunk they got over the weekend, or playing song parodies about current events or... God Help us... local politics. It all ties in with Stern. He did things differently, he fought to be unique. The only problem was that he couldn't evolve radio because it had gone as far as it will ever go, and precious few people with the talent to take it further can build the momentum he could. The only thing about radio that President Obama pays attention to is how many people Rush Limbaugh can rally. He's got more problems to worry about then the restraints on free radio.

Dudley and Bob, and I can tell this just by their names, are a couple of assholes. And I'm sure that rock and roll half hour with Charlie Hodge can't go a day without at least one fucking Led Zepellin song... and Stevie Ray Vaughn's "The Sky is Crying" at least three times a week. Fuck them.

Small market bullshit. Meanwhile, I LIKE THAT BOOM BOOM POW, THEM CHICKS BE STEALING MY STYLE!! THEY TRY TO COPY MY SWAGGA BUT I'M ON THE NEXT SHIT NOW!! I'M SO 3008, YOU SO 2000 LATE!!! I LIKE THAT BOOM BOOM BOOM THAT FUTURE BOOM BOOM BOOM GIMME SOMEOFTHAT!!!

Ahhh Fergie... 33 years old, with brown hair that everyone quickly ripped off... and can blow that Lady Gaga off the stage whenever she wants. Hell yeah.

20) April 21, 2009 9:33 AM... Anonymous said... Thought you were better on Scoops Central!

Well shit... well shee-it... who don't know that?

Of course I was... but I was painting on a blank canvas back then. And I was playing off two companies fighting tooth and nail to keep the audience from switching channels.

These days, there's only one. He won. He also put his daughter in charge of the creative process, and they decided to hire soap opera and failed sitcom writers to script every word. Things got boring, and drab.

The well ran dry, my friends. Plus, I got busier.

21) May 3, 2009 10:38 PM ... Anonymous said... Hey Hyatte, Can we hear about all the pussy you got in the post prior to this one? Something has to get you talking - maybe the poon is it!

Oooh, do ya want DETAILS??? YEAH MAN, LET'S BRAG ON THE INTERWEB ABOUT HOW HYATTE WENT 45 MINUTES NON-STOP AND MADE HER COME 7 TIMES!!!

How about no. Maybe if it was 15 years ago and I was some insecure kid trying to impress people. But that's not cool.

She's a married girl, tho'. I'll say that much. So I know a little bit about what I speak.

Oh relax, it isn't going anywhere other than a matinee tumble once in a great while. Then I'll move on.

22) April 30, 2009 9:42 PM... richardhouseholder said... Hey Hyattus, Do you ever watch The Office or Survivor?

I wait until the season of The Office comes out on DVD and then I'll watch a bunch of episodes in a row. I have every season. Love it. LOVE IT.

Didn't think I would, either because I have the British version on DVD and was annoyed that America tried to remake such greatness, but then I noted that the British folks were getting serious bucks from NBC for their show and felt better. Love the show. LOVE Dwight Shrute.

And I also love how Steve Carell magically grew more hair in between seasons one and two. Amazing... god bless Hollywood.

Survivor... I don't collect the DVDs and I sometimes skip a season or two. That's one of the nice things about long-running shows which are in no danger of being cancelled... and reality shows... you can skip a year or two and come back and not miss anything important. Same with American Idol. I haven't been paying attention this year because I KNOW there will be a next year that I may or may not watch. No pressure.

The Office, 24, Boston Legal, and Rescue Me are all shows I avoid and grab on DVD. And I plan on never watching a single episode of Lost and avoiding most spoilers and then getting the whole series and just going NUTS.

And this is the fascinating bullshit you people LIVE to read!!

23) April 30, 2009 3:05 PM... P.R. said... Chris, Am going away awhile. Will you still be here when I get back?

For now. You better be a fuckload nicer and more interesting when you come back. You ain't that special, baby.

Well then, I'm off. When will I be back? HA! Why promise when all I do is lie, lie lie.

In other words, I dunno, when I have something to talk about.

Good evening, kids.

And Another Thing: Me & Mark

2009-04-20T11:49:00.002-04:00

Special Bonus Update

Jeff Hardy wants to take time off for a while. So as of now he's refusing a new contract.

You think he's thinking how nice it would be to take time out, then come back with a clean slate on his drug test score. Must be nice to know he can come back with those two strikes on his record erased.

Smart junkie, that kid.

First off...

Kai1616, I'm just dying to know what you've been up to and what was up with the cameo appearance a few months back. Get in touch. It'll be fun.

You know...

So just when I get a bunch of people telling me that Texas is the place to be, were I to move, Texas is talking about seceding from the rest of the country.

You boys got some balls, I'll tell you what. And a deep, inner confidence that blows your typical New Yorker right out of the Chili cook-off.

Typical New Yorker, "I'm from New York, greatest place in da woild, you gotta problem wit' dat?"

Typical Texan, "I'm from Texas. Fuck you."

Anyway, I want to continue this in more depth. Tell me where do you live and why is it great/does it suck. Not interested in anything outside the colonies, wankers... and I know that Canada has two seasons: Winter and Road repair, so you Canucks stay freezing and shush. Unless you always wondered where you would go if you were to take a run at living in good ol' Mar'ca

But for right now, I want to talk about something else.

Lemme tell ya somethin'...

Originally, I was going to save this for the end of what you're about to read... or glance over... I thought this was the centerpiece, the climax to the tale below.

It isn't, the climax turned out to be something else.

So here's the news. You know the story, the hard-core rumor that the reason Vince McMahon is so steadfast in refusing to acknowledge the contributions made by Randy Savage is because a long time ago, Savage seduced and fucked Stephanie McMahon when she was just a underage teenager? How he refuses to allow his name to be even mentioned because Savage crossed that one line?

Well, there isn't a single wrestler who was around the WWF at the time when this could have happened that knows if it did. No one has ever heard anyone within Vince McMahon's world mention it back when it could've happened.

Hulk Hogan, Roddy Piper, Big Bossman, Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Scott Steiner, Ted DiBiase, JJ Dillon, Flair, Bret Hart, Arn Anderson, Brutus Beefcake, Gary Capetta, no one had heard anything about it until it became internet lore. No one can confirm that it's a reason why Vince has banned Savage from any and all WWF/E considerations.

And given how Dave Meltzer has spent the last 20+ years making his living on locker room gossip, it would be very, very, VERY tough to sell this secret as being kept cold and locked away from EVERYONE especially this group of locker room politicos. We all know this.

But how do I know this? How do I know that the entire locker room of big name stars from the glory days of WCW have confirmed to never hearing ANYTHING about the Macho Man deflowering the young, underage Princess to be?

Mark Madden told me. And it was a shoot.

Stay with me on this.

MADDEN AMERICA

Gonna tell you a story now. A real life IWC-story.

One thing about Wade Keller is that when you buy into his website "VIP" area, you really get a lot of shit. Pretty reasonable rates, too.

One of the things you get is entry into his VIP Message Board. Yeah, I know, a message board. Whoopee.

So, in the two times I held extended memberships to his VIP area, I posted in his message boards under two names. The first time I ran under the name "Moses Quick"... and it became known that I was Hyatte. And I was an asshole.

Just being arrogant, and cocky, and condescending. I even had my own catch-word. I'd write "Factoid" whenever I agreed with something or said something that was the truth. Like, "Wade's a fruit who likes wearing really tight shorts when he goes roller-blading. Factoid!"

(True too. He does wear spandex shorts, DOES go rollerblading, and IS a fruit. And once told Sean "X-Pac" Waltman that giving up heroin must be a LOT like giving up coffee. Heh... someone go find that Midnight News piece for me. THAT deserves a reposting)

Anyway, I abused and was abused, as we know, there are a lot of loudmouths on message boards, and they didn't take kindly to me.

But one thing I learned, when you're fighting someone on a message board, they will use a LOT of adjectives and adverbs. Adjectives and adverbs makes dumb people feel 100X smarter. "Hey, lookit my intense, immense, horrifyingly, amazingly, intimidating vocabulary!!"

Mitchell liked me, of course, but that was about it. Pat McNeill is ever so amused by me too. Factoid.

But also on these boards was Mark Madden. See, Madden used to write for the Torch way, way, WAY back in the day, and since he's a big "star", Keller gives him a free pass in. (

(Wade's like that, a big cocksucker for semi-stars like Madden, Johnny Fairplay, and Ed Ferrera who occasionally comes in for questions and Lord help you if you treat him like anything OTHER then a major wrestling figure)

Mark Madden goes by the screen name "cornettefan" due to some inside joke that's too old and too long ago to explain. He only posts in Bruce Mitchell's zone (each Torch writer gets his own zone, except for the bad ones who get junked in "The Specialists" zone), and is only there to antagonize people.

Now, my first go-round as a VIPer occurred during and after Ric Flair released his book. Madden's big thing at the time was to constantly run-down his list of accomplishments, and rub it in every one's face that he edited Flair's book.

Sometimes, when he was in full-blowhard mode, he would take it a step further and take credit for writing the thing fully.. Other times in calmer, more reflective moods, he would tell a more truthful version of what his role was with the Flair bio, which was he would go over what was written and made sure Flair's deep carny talk was cleaned up for a more general audience. It was then where I gleaned a peak into Mark's true personality. And learned quite a bit about him, what made him tick.

Anyway, Mark's involvement with the VIP board was merely to put himself over as this mega-successful radio host, newspaper columnist, and former host of WCW Nitro and now editor of the life story of the greatest wrestler ever. He heeled on the board, the board went berserk and freaked, he'd giggle, mock us, and go away for a couple of weeks before coming back and once again write promos on this board telling us about how only he, Mitchell, and Johnny Fairplay (a friend of Mitchell and a rarely seen member of the board) were much better then us. He was living too high on the Flair hog to notice that Chris Hyatte was on the same board with him.

Now, why would he care about little ol' me? Not that I made fun of him in the Mop-Ups way back when. Naaah... it's when I made fun of his MOTHER.

See, from the Mop-Ups (and now that I think of it, I'm AMAZED Al Isaacs and NoSoul let me get away with this shit), to 411, to Inside Pulse, to the DOI, I occasionally explained to Mark all the deviant, depraved, nasty shit I used to do to his mother...

And then once, really sick time, right after she died, I paid homage by letting THE READERS tell Mark what THEY did to his Momma. It was a celebration of life.

I think the high point was when I detailed how his mom cooked me a meal, and how I ate it, then defecated a huge loaf out of it, then made his Mom give the loaf a huge blowjob! Jeeze louise, can't the guy take a joke?

Well, during a lull in VIP grandstanding, I guess Madden snooped around the board a bit and saw who Moses Quick was, and put two and two together.

Here's what he wrote on the Torch VIP section...

that pr1ck hyatte wrote some very hurtful stuff about my family in the past, and the family member in question is now very ill. satire is one thing. obscene slander is another. if slander laws concerning the internet weren't so vague, his ass would be in court. if he ever runs into me, his ass will be in intensive care. same goes for anyone who found what he wrote funny. discussing wrestling is one thing; lampooning an overblown ego is another thing; the stuff he wrote was unforgiveable. it was animalistic.

Then he wrote a private message to Bruce Mitchell and said:

Is that really Hyatte? The guy who wrote about making my mom have oral sex with his bowel movements? Get rid of him plz!

Mitchell didn't. Neither did Keller. Mark went into a snit and refused to post again until I was gone. Mitchell pretty much admitted to me in private that he was awfully impressed that someone was able to actually bully Mark off the playground. "I told Mark that he was out-bullied on the playground", said Mitchell, and then, because he is a schoolteacher, suggested, "There's a lesson for you in this too."

(What Bruce meant was that one day I might run into a bully who could outdo me and run me off the playground. And like Mark with me, I wouldn't be able to do anything about it. Bruce meant well, but he missed a major point: Madden let too much of who he was be known. He showed off his armor and dared anyone to find a crack to pry on. I always stayed quiet about who I was, and never let anything get to me.

Basically, Madden dangled a rope at the board and dared someone to try to strangle him with it. I just figured out where to throw the noose.

Bruce also paid me one of the nicer compliments I've ever gotten off this internet career. He told me I had a voice. A half blind, dead drunk shop teacher at a High school could count on one hand the number of compliments Bruce has paid to other wrestling writers in his life. Semi-high prise, indeed.)

Eventually, after a whole lot of yelling at people and a whole lot of adjectives and adverbs flying around (and a very interesting period where I let Trish piggyback on my VIP account and create her own screen name. It didn't last very long.), and after a healthy amount of time where I would cheerfully brag about running Madden off the board, I was finally thrown out of the VIP board, I believe it was for trying to start an online race war. (Remember the time Vince McMahon came up to Booker T on Raw and said, "What's up, my NIGGA??"? Well, that started a huge thread on the board about white men using that word like that and... well, you can figure out the rest.)

Time passed, I left Inside Pulse and found myself at Declaration of Independents. In my second column there, I believe on request of site owner Sean, I recapped the saga of Mark's mother and her stellar contributions to my various online career.

Mark threatened Sean with a lawsuit. To this day Sean reminds me how he laughed it off and REFUSED TO CENSOR MY BRILLIANCE, EVEN IN THE FACE OF A LAWSUIT!!

(so, of course, the prick edited me ALL to Hell when I tried to make a harmless few dozen jokes about Doug Gentry... little whiny bitch).

Time passed some more, I ended my run at DOI, ended my column writing days, retired to this blog, and lived miserably ever after.

Oh, and I rejoined the Torch VIP section, and their message board... a new man, a changed man. Moses Quick was dead and buried (and sometimes sneaks on AIM just to see who's around). CJ DelRay was born.

I think I've made it clear to you nice folks that my column writing days are over. I think I've also made it known that my days as a hard-core wrestling fan are wrapping up too. But I'm here, in this blog, every 7-10 days showing up and posting something and, without fail, the topic of wrestling somehow makes its way in these entries, without fail.

I'm not going to call it "the sickness", that's a term that unforgivable fuckface Dave Scherer used to somehow dramatize and elevate things. I just like to keep an eye on things in this business, mostly to see who dies next... and to be able to track the ups and down of the business against today's culture, and to see if McMahon finally gets himself into a shitstorm that he can't stare down.

And I like to voice my opinions, make my observations, and... and...

I wanted a place where I could talk wrestling, without turning it into a flamewar because Hyatte the Asshole was being Hyatte.

So I started posting again, focusing entirely on quality rather than quantity. I kept the sarcasm directed at the topic at hand, offered rhetorical questions, made witty remarks, made good points, pointed out aspects that no one else noticed, and ignored the blowhards. I learned to frame things so not to look arrogant. Rather than say, "Shawn Michaels is going to retire in two years, trust me." I would say, "It wouldn't surprise me if Shawn Michaels calls it quits in a couple of years." CJ DelRay was a model poster who started amassing a lot of "rep points" and private compliments.

(Rep Points: A Wade Keller exclusive. Posters are given the power to compliment particular posters with "rep points" for any post they find particularly good. It's a good way to track fellow posters and to filter the good ones from the bad. Yes, it is corny as hell. Of COURSE it is.

It's also pathetically addicting. And I started jonesing for rep points on each and every post I made. Fucking Keller... he won that round - won it HUGE.)

And Madden had made his triumphant return once Moses Quick breathed his last breath. Professionally, Mark was going through a rough patch. His Pittsburgh radio show was cancelled, or he was fired. He lost his desk job at The Gazette and had to start writing for The Beaver County Times, and TNA never called him up to replace Don West. He was humbled a bit, but he was free to fire away on the board.

And the Torch protected him. Keller ignored his flame baiting because he is a starfucker. Mitchell took it a step further and posted a perma-thread on the top of his board explaining that Mark had free reign because he was who he was, and because he was a personal friend. He also pointed out that once in a while you'll get an easy-going Madden who has a wealth of great stories from his Nitro days and that he'll go "tone to tone" with you. In other words, be nice to him and you might just get some inside info.

To me, I saw the belligerent Madden and the mellow Madden. And since I was being a model poster, but still with the razor sharp mind and gift for pointing out different perspectives, I studied the way Madden would use the same old lines to bait and enrage other posters. I noticed that mark would tend to get bored with the board activity and show up and say, "This board sucks, you people need Gods like me to liven things up. I haven't read a coherent thought from any of you losers!" A flame riot would start and Mark would disappear for another week or so. So I tried something different. I was nice and respectful and refused to take the bait.

The plan was to charm him.

And it worked, kind of.

This isn't a grandiose plan with a whopper of a pay-off. All I did was ask Mark questions whenever he piped in. Other posters went off with the insults and the flame throwing... I would ignore it and try to post stuff on the topics at hand.

I would also ask Mark his opinions on various sportswriters, trying to take him out of pro wrestling mode. And he'd answer all of my questions.

Again, he didn't know it was me. Neither did Mitchell. In fact, I teased Bruce a few times by asking him, "Figured out who I am yet? Wanna guess?" After a few weeks he finally caved and asked me, "I give up, who are you?"

I told him, and reminded him that I always said I could turn "babyface" on this board whenever I wanted. He was stunned. He didn't think I had it in me to be a regular poster without letting the "Hyatte personality" come out.

Anyway, just one time, just to make a point, I took Mark's bait and started fighting back. But I went personal and made jokes about how the only time Mark can get any girl to touch him was at strip clubs. "Do you got to pay extra for lap dances?" I asked. "Because there is more to you to grind on?"

Light stuff, but you all know me. I started following up on this path.

"Beggars can't be choosers, eh? And who begs more than you."

"I wonder how many strippers were able to put a down on a house thanks to Mark's wallet?"

"Over-tipping strippers, than going home and eating cheesecake all night, then coming online and telling us how much we suck, and then crying. Welcome to Madden's Saturday night."

"It's worth it to feel loved for 5 minutes, right Mark?"

That got him. Because he didn't nail me with a witty retort. He shouted, "SHUT UP!!" and then vanished for a couple of weeks.

When he came back, flaming and baiting like nothing happened, I went back to asking respectful, smart questions and generally left him alone. It was here where I asked about Stephanie and randy Savage, and he responded honestly. No one thinks its true. No one thinks its anything beyond a silly rumor. No one can confirm.

Anyway, things got quiet in the wrestling world, Torch board activity was light and boring, and I let my subscription run out again. Nothing much else to say here.

Except that I cracked Mark Madden, hiding in plain sight, the Internet Hooligan who he hates the most pulled gobs of nifty info out of him, and got him to like me...

And I made him show his ass, I baited him on his insecurities and, just a little, I left him with little to say other than "SHUT UP". For all his bluster, I made him cry. The insecure little fat virgin beneath came out for one little moment and then ran away.

And if I were the old Hyatte from years ago, it would be a Midnight News headline that I would drive into the ground for months. That I found Madden's buttons and mastered them. My last, greatest, (and yes, lamest) achievement as a Net God... to make Mark Madden my true bitch. My pet doggy that I could stroke or torture whenever I wanted. The last person to fear me.

But I'm not that guy anymore. So I held onto this story until now. Something to share in private with a few friends.

And maybe I'll go back to the VIP board one day. Safe bet he's still there, being a bully and hiding behind a wall of fat and obnoxiousness. And maybe I'll get him to bark for me again.

Factoid.

Wrestlemania, Jason Powell, and How About This Weather?

2009-04-10T01:40:00.003-04:00

Some things never change.

One thing that always annoyed the piss out of me - and I mean when I was doing a weekly column that EVERYONE read - was when these web assholes would review a PPV, or even a regular Raw or Smackdown, and they would HAVE to mention that they had a ROOMFUL of friends with them. They couldn't just watch the shit alone, oh no, thats what LOSERS do... no, each and every week they would have a HUGE, MASSIVE, ORGY OF WRESTLING FRIENDS at their hip pad each and every week. They were... THAT COOL.

Of course, back then Rick Scaia bragged the loudest, one of the many, MANY exercises in bullshit and phonieness that made me want to skin him alive and spit cook him. He probably still does it to this day but I don't care anymore.

No, these days, its that little midget rent boy, Jason Powell, and he isn't subtle about it either. Oh no, every single chance he gets... because HEAVEN FORBID WE THINK HIM A MARK-LOSER... Jason will RAM DOWN OUT THROATS of the throwdown he has during EVERY PPV... during EVERY Raw... and maybe even during EVERY SMACKDOWN... Oh the parties he has... all his friends... call the cops... Powell don't run solo... oh no... he CELEBRATES... a PARTY HOUND.

All the time. The lamest was when he reviewed "12 Rounds" and AGAIN... had to mention that he went with a group of friends. I mean... who would go see that stupid movie anyway? And who could find anything remotely large enough to be called a "group" to go?

And the FAGGIEST move was when he bragged about ordering some JR's BBQ sauce for a particular RAW party... and he had his friends all CHIP IN for a bottle...

a %5.99 bottle. He had people chip in.

Now, the secret is that Jason's closest friend and DEFINITE commonlaw husband, Wade Keller, ALSO brags about HIS Raw parties... only Wade has to sit in another room to type the report while his "friends" watch... and Wade has to yell out for updates. Which leads me to believe that Wade and Jason are part of each other's party,,, but they don't want to admit it because it would seem fruity.

Listen, the only parties I think Jason Powell involve leather, clamps, car batteries, swing sets, and LOTS of JR's BBQ sauce with wrestling on in the background. I also think Powell loves cock, greasy assholes, and elevator shoes because he's so goddamm small that he needs every lift-help he can get.

I also think that it is the very HEIGHT of insecurity when you have to point out... time after time... about all the FRIENDS you have over the house watching a entertainment product that 90% of the world is ashamed of admitting to watch,

Get over yourself, Powell... you runty little dweeb. You're a short, flabby, humorless wrestling reporter. Telling your readers about the wild parties you have every Monday night and two Sundays a month doesn't buy you an ounce of respect.

You know whose lead you should follow? Pat McNeill's. He sometimes does a PPV review from a Bar. That's his idea, to watch a PPV at a bar and ~~observe~~ make up all the whacky stuff that happens there. It's boring, it's weak, and I AM convinced McNeill makes up 99% of the stories... and I don't even think he even goes to a bar... but at least he's not talking about a fuckload of friends he brought with him. He usually goes alone... or maybe with his girlfriend.

No, I don't know if Powell reads this... I think McNeill does... and Bruce Mitchell stops by every so often... as does Keller.

Point is... there's no point in mentioning how many people watch it with you. It serves no purpose other than to get yourself over... in the weakest way possible.

Of course, I'd be insecure too if I had these stubby little arms that can't reach my asshole to wipe without a broomstick.

Anyway. New England has the most amazing weather in the whole country. Where else can you get 60 degrees one day and a blistering cold Nor' Easter with 8 inches of snow the next. Of course, being here ones whole life makes one sick of the changing seasons. Bring on Florida...

... oh wait, hurricanes... and daily rain... and Cubans... and drubnk hillbillies forever lecturing you on how much better they are. Bleh. BRING ON ARIZONA!!

Oh... heat so intense stores have to stay open 24 hours so you can shop without dropping dead... meth heads EVERYWHERE. BRING ON... ON....

Hawaii? Expensive, lots of Japs... and one good Tsunami away from total sea submersion. BRING ON SACRAMENTO!!!

Oh... brokest state in the union... earthquakes... expensive as all hell.

You tell me, where is the perfect place to live. We know it ain't anything north of middle america. Not that North Dakota was anywhere near my wish list, but since they were flooded out, and THEN nailed with a nasty BLIZZARD just for the hell of it.

And Chicago? Where you can drop dead from intense heat in the summer or intense cold in the winter? Not a chance.

And then there's Detroit, which was always our version of a third world country before things went bad. I recently read a story about a professional hunter who now hunts and sells raccoon meat in Detroit. Apparently, about a million people left this city over the past year and now wildlife roams downtown. And gangs/drug warlords/rappers/nothing white own the city these days.

Heh, Detroit suddenly became "I Am Legend". Really.

******

Today I thought I would do some Wrestlemania reflections and answer some comments.

And I know some of you were hoping for a Wrestlemania Mop-Up. HA! Eat me.

WRESTLEMANIA 25

-I have a small, douchey confession to make. I think I like the Pussycat Dolls... and I think Nicole Scherzinger's voice is amazing. I haven't heard a bad song out of her yet. I enjoyed her rendition of the Star Spangled America the Beautiful. I also enjoy watching her management very broadly yank her out of the Pussycats and make her a solo artist.

Money in the Bank: CM Punk vs Kane vs Finlay vs Christian vs Kofi Kingston vs Mark Henry vs MVP vs Sheldon Benjamin

Am I the only one who thinks there are too many participants here? Very confusing. They could have done just fine without Mark Henry and Finlay

Anyway, Punk won again, because they seem to want to keep him in a "you're THISCLOSE to a bigger push" phase but aren't quite ready to pull the trigger on him yet. Being the first ever two time Bank winner would keep in in this loop nicely without committing him to anything beyond. I mean, his heavyweight title run is practically eliminated from the history books already.

Oh, and then Punk is drafted to Smackdown.

1)Extreme Rules: Matt Hardy vs Jeff Hardy

-Matt Hardy ties with Shawn Michaels for "best fake tan"

-Matt Hardy isn't fat, but isn't skinny either. He's like Vince Neil today as opposed to Vince Neil 20 years ago... roly poly but you can't really see where.

-And he can cut his stupid long hair too. He can get just as much rat pussy with shorter hair.

-My problem is that they should have had the HHH-Orton style match and HHH/Orton should'a broke out the gimmick tricks.

-Matt is a tool. They should've fired him a while ago. And the whole "Internet Wrestler Grassroots Superstar" ploy just isn't impressing the management.

3) Inter-Continental Title Match: JBL vs Rey Mysterio Jr.

-For a guy who was more a Vince favorite then a seat filler... JBL went out in the best way possible. Very simple and effective. No send-off for him. He knew better.

-When JR said that UNLIKE Heath Ledger, Rey Mysterio is "Alive and flourishing."... well, say hello to a Vince McMahon special headphone classic. I doubt Jim Ross even knows who Heath Ledger is.

4) 25 Diva Battle Royal:

-So, two weeks ago Trish told me she was going to be there and said a Heel was going over. I didn't start grilling her about it because part of the reason why I've been talking to the girl for 7 years is that I'm not some asshole mark. SORRY, FUCKOS... BUT ITS TRUE.

Anyway, word going around is that she bagged out because she wasn't going to get to win. And that she was told Santino Morello would. This sounds pretty bad on her part, no?

Well, here's what I think. Despite that fact that she has the perfect image and anyone with a microphone or a computer screen tends to completely drool over her, the fact is that she does have an ego. She knows how pretty, how skilled, and how "over" she is. It's not a massive ego, but its an ego. She's not snotty. She doesn't generate a sense of entitlement, but she has an ego and does/says things to me which screams "Princess"

However, unlike everyone else, I explain to her what an asshole she's being and she apologizes... then does it again. But then I do the same shit to her and she gets all pissy... and here we are, 7 years later and still friends. So she's not too bad.

Anywhoo, I CAN see her looking to win the whole thing, and asking for it, but I ALSO think she would've been cool with being the last one tossed out by Phoenix or McCool or Maryse... so long as it meant something and it got a Diva over and helped the division. She would've shown up for that.

But when they told her that Santino would show up in drag and win the thing, well... Trish is a smart girl, she saw that all this would mean is a few weeks of stupid, mid-show comedy that did NOTHING for the Diva division that she worked so hard to build. What looked like a CELEBRATION of the women's divsion, and women's wrestling, was going to be a set-up to a jerky punchline that only Vince McMahon would find terribly funny... she got out.

The girl takes serious pride in her accomplishments, as which she should.

So that's why she didn't show up. And she knows what assholes run this company, she knows not to trust them. Lita does too, which is why she told them to fuck off too.

And, of course, it turned out to be a seriously good move. They threw the girls in there after Kid Rock's pointless, obsolete concert, didn't give anyone a proper intro, and wrapped the thing up fast. I KNOW girls like Molly Holly and Torrie Wilson were all like, "It figures" and "Thank God I don't have to answert to them anymore." But I feel bad for Tammy Sytch, who I KNOW must have been crushed for not even getting a single close-up. She thought this would be her major comeback moment... her big BREAK. Heh, she was in and out and the announcers barely mentioned her. She got all dolled up too. Poor thing.

-Tammy is the female Randy the Ram- live and for real. You realize that, right?

-One might wonder if they had planned on building the whole Battle Royal around Trish being there, and since she bailed they just bumrushed it. Possibly. But the end result is that a dude in drag was going over and they are going to keep him in drag and doing funny bits... and probably taking the women's title too. A Gerwitz joke just for Vince. That's why she bailed.

Plus they wouldn't let her win. The brat.

6) WWE Heavyweight Championship: John Cena vs Edge vs The Big Show.

-Ho hum. This could headline any PPV at any time of the year. It's the absolute, cut & dry, evidence that they have no one they feel is worth elevating. They have no new stars on the horizon and they better be ready to pay Kurt Angle big bucks this fall. They need him... badly.

7) Chris Jericho vs Roddy Piper and Jimmy Snuka and Ricky Steamboat

-Steamboat looked good. Mickey Rourke looked all sorts of rough. I bet he fucked Sunny at some point that weekend.

8) Shawn Michaels vs the Undertaker

-So this is what you get when two veterans with wrecked knees have to overcome a 8 man ladder match and a young Hardy Boy spotfest. They told a story. There you go. They tore the house down simply by telling a story... the kind of story that made us all fans to begin with.

-The only fucking problem was that the build-up was designed to make the Undertaker look like the Hero chasing the cocky Heel. They should have let him get a few shots in on HBK to make things look more level. We all knew where they would end up, its the RIDE that was the interesting part.

-Anyway, my guess is that Taker goes for 20, then retires. If that's the case, then let me suggest his final three:

XXVI: Kurt Angle and if they can't get him, Verne Gagne. Now I'll pay twice to see ol Verne shoot on the 'Taker... in his hospital gown with his tushy hanging out. Big money there.

XXVII: Triple H

XXVIII: John Cena.

-The stakes can only get higher now. He can't go backwards and work a WM match with... Kane again... or some other mutt.

9) Triple H vs Randy Orton.

-The McMahon's are not Faces. They are not good guys. Shane McMahon punches like he's afraid of hurting anyone. Vince has no idea how to relate to ANYONE... and Stephanie spent a couple of college years out with the scummy lemmings and middle class then ran right back to Daddy's well-protected shelter and stayed there... she can't relate either.

-Only Stephanie knows she isn't well-liked by the audience, and I think she reads the internet... because these days, she never lasts on TV beyond a few weeks here and there. I think she reads the criticism and takes it personally. I also hear she's a really nice girl... just sheltered and over-sensitive.

-But the point is, the McMahons wanted us to accept that protecting their HONOR... the FAMILY NAME is main event material. That we are all DEMANDING vengence for him kicking in Vince's head, or Shane's, or DDT Stephanie. Hell, a lot of the audience was cheering for him.

-And Triple H is still a Heel. Only we aren't allowed to treat him like one.

-Anyway, some final notes:

-The All Blue arena was annoying.

-You gotta love how JR and Lawler quietly made Michael Cole look horrible all shop long. It wasn't just a coincidence that Cole turned in an almost amateurish performance with those two pros on either side of him. They went to work on showing him up.

-Ric Flair's gonna be bald up top within 4 years. And he's gonna look like a FOOL!! WOOOOO!!

-No one seems to notice this, but Austin basically said he'll never be on wrestling TV again. No more guest refereeing, no more guest enforcing, no more cameos... nothing. I'm not sure anyone else realized this.

-HOW CAN JEFF JARRETT PUT OUT A 4 YEAR CAREER RETROSPECTIVE DVD WHEN THE BEST YEARS OF HIS CAREER ARE OWNED BY A COMPANY THAT WILL NEVER LET HIM GO NEAR THOSE ARCHIVES??? Fuck... the only reason he CARRIES a guitar now stems from his Country-Western superstar gimmick. And it was a GREAT gimmick too!!

-I think Trish MIGHT have gone to Houston anyway but her husband made a stink.

-And you know how they BRAGGED that Wrestlemania filled more seats than this year's Superbowl? Yeah, well... these assholes didn;t have to make room for A HUNDRED YARD FUCKING FOOTBALL FIELD WITH PLENTY OF ROOM OFFSIDES!!!!! JESUS CHRIST, WHAT FUCKING MORONS DO THEY THINK WE ARE???

Yeah, no ground seating available... about 3000 seats worth. What a desperate, lame, weak-ass company.

DID YOU KNOW that if the WWE was as much a massive entertainment bonanza as they keep saying they are, they wouldn't have to beg half-way dead networks to house their Smackdown brand??? They wouldn't have to prepare to re-unify the brands once and for all because no REAL network wants it???

Anyway, I'm gonna go now. I have a lot of comments to catch up on and I really want to tell you this Madden story. But I have to go for right now.

The irony is... heh... I'm on vacation this week. All I did was laze about, and had some sex... lot more than usual. I could've posted a lot but I DIDN'T WANT TO!!

See... I did it myself... no one cares if I'm having sex... but I'm so insecure that I HAD to point it out. Fuckin.... web guys SUCK.

But I'm 6 feet... and hate the cock... and could grow out a magnificent head of hair with just a teeny tiny bit of hairline crop that looks like the ground is slightly radioactive.

Did I mention I love pussy? And I got a lot of action this week? Yeah!!

Photo finished

2009-03-25T22:53:00.008-04:00

What's up, people.

John Cena doesn't have a John Cena thought in his head. Any and ALL interviews he gives, any word he says, is just Vince's words coming out of his mouth. He's baiting Dwayne Johnson because Vince wants to goad the Rock into returning. Or Vince is pissed at the Rock for turning his back on wrestling when a full-fledged A-List Movie career dropped in his lap.

Nevermind that Vince was the one who let Johnson's last contract expire without so much as a phonecall or an e-mail.

Vince is also pissed... PISSED, that the Rock lost "The Rock" and is now 100% Dwayne Johnson. Now Vince doesn't get to see "Executive Producer: Vince McMahon" sprout up on any of Johnson's movies anymore. THAT'S the ONLY reason why John Cena, who will never trancend anything outside of the ring and will always be monitoring his career on how many weeks Raw breaks above 3.5 in the ratings, is yapping about Johnson "not giving back." Because Vince McMahon is annoyed that Johnson was able to get out of his company's shadow.

Oh, and because Dwayne Johnson turned down "The Marine" and probably "12 Rounds".

Oh, and Cena is on juice. Come on, people. Of course he is. Maintaining that sort of body is a full-time job. We're talking about two-a-day gym visits 6 days a week in order to maintain that sort of body, and that's with outstanding genes. Cena doesn't have that sort of time to be a fulltime bodybuilder, he's always moving around too much and doing shit.

But, when you are the top guy in the company with the least stringent drug-testing policies, you get to say stuff like "People caught doing steroids should go to jail." and feel pretty safe that you won't get caught with your foot in yo mout'

Cena's the biggest puppet in the world... but he does like to drink lots of beer in one sitting. I like that. The boy likes his beer.

So anyway...

What happened was I was in a pissy mood.

I was piddling around online where I found these Jericho/Kelly Kelly pics over at the Torch VIP board. I figured they would be fairly fresh and provide plenty of stuff to talk about.

Now, had you drew opinions on the PICTURES, we'd all be cool, but you little douchebags decided to shoot the messenger. ME!?!

March 9, 2009 6:59 AM Anonymous said... Hey Dingus! 2008 called! It wants its inoffensive photos back!

March 9, 2009 11:22 AM RinseAid said... Woooo yeah. Look, they smiling and drinking! With PEOPLE! IT'S PROOF!! PROOF, I TELLS YA!! THEY'RE AT IT LIKE RABBITS! Sorry Hy-8, dig your shit usually but that is pretty lame.

March 9, 2009 4:36 AM...GoodFella said... Seems to me you don't want advice from Hyatte. Pretty obvious, he doesn't have ANY female friends, close or otherwise, if he thinks these pics of Jericho/Kelly are anything more than pals messin' around. We've all done it, doesn't mean we're fucking the lady in question. Especially as these shots are posed - they knew they were being taken and where they could end up, so no secret affair there. Seriously Chris. Lay off the porn and get out in the world. You might ENJOY it.

And then... THEN... the comments returned to this Jeff Smalls dude. A LOT of them. Well, sure, he spoke about me and someone wanted to share... but still.

Anyway, more on Smalls in a moment. Yes, enjoy it.

And Goodfella, fuck you, and your advice. You haven't a fucking clue what I've done and where I've been and how much I've had.

And you want to talk about "posed shots?" Okay, genius. If you can stop fucking supermodels for two seconds while curing cancer... try to follow along about what those POSED PICTURES said...

Jericho = married man with children. Apparently devoted p[ages and pages to how lucky he is to have found his wife. Made it a point to announce that he retired for two years specifically to watch his kids grow up.

Kelly Kelly = Hired out of a catalog by John Larenitus when she was 18. Hired and on TV by 19. Gaining a rep already as a locker room toy. Known to "date" CM Punk, Batista, and Test all within 2 years. Is young, dumb, impressionable, has lots of money, and a pretty secure spot in the lineup. Knows how hot she is.

Those pictures = Now pay attention, stupid. In every picture where they were close, where was Jericho's hand? On her back. Up high. With a drink in his hand. One picture? Fine. Two? Ehh? Three? THREE?? With his hand still on her back?

A 40+ year old man in a nightclub with a 20 year old known hot, single, fresh party girl, all happy and buzzed and a bit sweaty with his hand on her back in EVERY PHOTO... and said phots posted on one of Kelly Kelly's FRIENDS' MySpace page... in the "member's only" section.

And I'm reading too much into it? Yeah, okay.

So tell you what, cocksucker. While I sit at home and watch some free porn and thank Christ my cock isn't loaded with warts from past misdeeds and also thank him that my liver isn't on the verge of explosion and is still the same one I was born with... you go find one of those ten million hot babes you have on your speed dial and run this story and these pictures by them. See what they say.

Anyway, then the picture of them KISSING came up... and I, of course, went off because thast's what I do to you assholes when I'm proven right. And almost no one, except for one dude just looking to argue with me, could.

Still think I'm reading too much into this? Maybe. But the evidence does seem to lie in my favor.

And who said they were cousins? Brian Alverez? A 40+ year old from Canada is cousins with a 20 year old model from Florida and NO ONE mentioned this in the 3 years they've been with the same company until now? And do YOU guys kiss your cousins on the lips? In a nightclub? With drinks?

Jericho is clearly one of Meltzer's sources and ol Brian, who is as big a stooge as you'll ever find, is just trying to cover for a friend. That's it, that's all, and Alverez is a lying sack of shit who seems to have devoted his life being a wannabe Meltzer and a wannabe wrestler... and is pretty bad at both...

And that dude Vinny, his radio co-host, looks about 12 years old.

So that's the story of the pictures. And this isn't the first time I heard something about Y2J being seen with someone other than his wife. Someone told me about a cop in New York who asked Jericho for a picture right on the street. Jericho said no problem, just so long as they keep the girl he was with out of camera shot.

Moving on...

An unqualified disaster... this whole idea I had.

People, Jesus H. Crapola, ITS THE SAME NAMES... ALL THE TIME.... THE SAME GODDAM NAMES.

I know I said ANYBODY. I know I said No matter if I talked about them a billion times before.... but... but... BUT...

Just listen:

Rick Scaia: All I can possibly say about Scaia can be found here. That's it. Nothing left in the can on him. I don't go to his website. I don't follow him. I don't bother with that anymore.

Eric S. Him too. Where am I supposed to go after writing this? Scroll down to question 19.

And Scooter Keith? Come on. Enough already.

Test? Ah, this time, I'm going to wait until we have confirmed the cause of death before shooting off my mouth. I know what it looks like, so do you, but let's just wait.

But the GOOD news is that we all now have the chance to catch up with him in terms of different poon. He's probably ahead of most of us by, like, 50 different girls... but now we all get to catch up and pass him. He's fuck days are over.

And by the way, I remember reading a match recap where someone yelled, "YOU'RE ON STEROIDS!!" at him and all he did was shrug his shoulders at the dude and mime, "Yeah, so?"

This is a dude who's whole existence was based on his looks. I know the type.

But, for all we know he dropped dead from a brain clot. Patience

Trish? I already said, she can talk Hyatte first before I talk Trish anymore. Everything I have to say on that piece is over at my leftover blog.

Except... well, Fergie went brown first, she beat Trish by two weeks. She likes that BOOM BOOM POW, you chicks be copying her style... you be stealing her swagga but she on the next shit NOW...She's so 3008. You so 2000 late. She wants that future Boom Boom Boom... let her in on that...

Chris Hyatte? Me?? No. I'm bald and mean and a much better writer than even I believe. That's all I'm gonna say. I mean, look at the shit I have to deal with. Imagine what sort of somments would show up if I actually did give you people any sort of relevant information.

I will tell you about my book. It's coming along. I'm still writing it. I don't feel pressure of a deadline or anything because the economy is sucking so royal that the publishing industry is being even more tightassed then usual. I'd rather slowly make the first one as perfect as possible and I will not sweat it.

Plus, I broke 350 pages already (2 notebooks worth, which translates into less pages on text). I will NOT just quit. I just don't see a rush.

Jeff Smalls? You know what, fuck you. He is so beneath me it isn't even cute. I've done more, created more, thought more, and entertained more in any one MONTH of my 10 years as a wrestling writing God then he will in his whole fucking life. Fuck you for even thinking he's WORTHY of my attention. The entire 411 mania line-up can clean up my cum with their tongues. The fuck... you want me to step on HIM? Is that what you think of me? To unretire and go after HIM?? Fuck off. Go away, loser.

This Smalls kid has nothing to say and can't even hide it with any style. The entire planet saw Anchorman... the entire world knows where the "Whammy" gimmick comes from... but there he is, using it every time you assholes make me go see what he's about.

ANd then he steals Chevy Chase's famous Saturday Night Live line.... hoping to Christ his audience is too young to notice.

AND the basic lay-out of his column, of EVERY SINGLE COLUMN ON 411... who created that layour? Who? Me. My design. In 2001. Me. Hyatte. Daddy.

He's got nothing. There, all I could say on him is right up there. Nothing else. He's a void.

And then there are many, many more... and I'll get to them. Soon.

No, really.

No, REALLY... I have free time here now. And I have a really amusing Mark Madden story to tell. Plus a Tammy Sytch story. So, I've got stuff.

Hey C-Suckers

2009-03-20T05:43:00.007-04:00

HEY, YOU DUMB ASSHOLES....

Anyone else want to fucking lecture me on overreacting and trying to make something out of harmless pictures???

Rinsa?? Want to give me more shit??

Goodfella, you cupfull of retarded goat-cum??? Want to advise me to "get out more"??? To be a fucking genius stud like YOU??? Moron. I'm not done with you by a longshot. I suggest you RUN to the comments and make ammends. You fucking poser.

I am so much smarter and perceptive then all of you. After ten years, when the holy fuck will you realize that I ALWAYS know more than you??? ALWAYS!!!

I strongly suggest you all start lining up to tongue fuck my asshole with apologies.

I'll have a more complete blog up for the weekend. Or I might like you all chew on this for a while. Let it sink in for the NEXT time you want to tell me how I am making something out of nothing.

I know body language. I know human nature. Its part of how I make my living. You shitheads, on the other hand, know NOTHING.

Thanks to the tornado chaser for this.

Douchebags, DOUCHEBAGS... the whole stinkface lot of you. Suck my nads, SUCK THEM NICE.

I win, you lose... just like always.

(Boy, and when this pic starts making the website rounds ((looks like more people read me then we all suspected, myself included)), lets hope Jericho's wife doesn't surf.)

Okay... FINE

2009-03-12T10:15:00.007-04:00

I'm a little fucking annoyed with some of you.

But fuck it. I'm going to clean out this closet once and for all.

For one time only, I will dedicate the next blog to talking about anyone you want. Just web guys, writers, personalities, cohorts, friends, anyone. Whoever. Anyone you want. No matter if I talked about them a billion times before. One shot, just to get it fucking done.

Because after this shot, you'll never be able to get me to say shit about anyone ever again.

And tell me why its so important for you top hear my opinions on the subject.

*postscript: Since the first two comments have nothing to do with the theme here, I am deleting them. And going to moderation-only. You'll have plenty of time to ask me stupid questions in the future. For this, ONE NAME. You get ONE NAME, ONE NAME AND WHY HIM/HER.

And yes, if you are to anonymously post several different names, try not to make yourself easy for me to spot. If I see several anons post different names within the same minute, I'm only answering one.

Go now, assholes.

Check back in two FOUR days.

2009-03-08T21:55:00.004-04:00

I'll have something here.

~~Tuesday~~ this weekish

Sorry folks, but I've been busy. And awaiting a promised email (from YOU, toots)

In the meantime, enjoy some QUESTIONABLE photos of "happily" married, father of 3, late 30 something Chris Jericho clubbing it up and getting awfully chummy with young, hot, Test/Batista/Punk/most of the lockerroom-Leftover Kelly Kelly.

Wow, all Kelly needs now is to score the Rock and she'll officially have all of Trish's leftovers.

Maybe Mark Madden was right. WWE Divas are the new rats!

I'm gonna git me one today...

2009-02-26T21:55:00.002-05:00

I'll be posting something soon. Although after that remarkable comment run, I'm wondering WHY???

In the meantime, enjoy this.

KAPOWEEEEEEEEE

My brilliant powers of deduction...

2009-02-17T10:40:00.003-05:00

Wow, 100 comments is a sure thing, a first.

But this isn't about that. This is a personal message:

Gmail is apparently down worldwide, so if YOU could let me know that you got my reply to your reply, it would be appreciated.

Thanks.

Tells me that you all are underwhelmed by recent offerings.

Noted.

My love letter to Stratus

2009-02-12T16:18:00.004-05:00

Can be found at my leftover blog which is right here.

Almost three years old, still staggeringly beautiful.

Perfect for Valentine's Day.

Thanks to "Gray" for plowing through those mutts at the Death Valley Driver board, who no doubt spent many posts talking about how lame I am.

And for those of you who don't care about any of this, and am wondering what I have for YOU....

Well, here's a fat girl falling down the stairs.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

And the pocket rocket's red glare...

2009-02-07T22:39:00.010-05:00

Means the battery is low. Now that's a fun race against time.

So, lots of comments to go through, plenty of reading material shall be provided that should last at least a week.

And, naturally, you can always relive the hysterics and the poignancy and the drama AND the secret messages by clicking any one of my lovely past blogs right <----- over there.

No real order here.

1) December 24, 2008 12:27 PM... Gray said... Doesn't that mean cat in spanish? Oh wait, that's Gato. Anyhow, stop with that- you're smarking over a former wrestling columnist, and now full time blogger.

Gray, no one is "smarking" over me. And HOW THE CRAP AM I NOW A "FULL TIME BLOGGER"?

Jesus Christ, did you know some people "blog" three or four times a day? You're lucky if you get anything meaty out of me once a calender week.

... I believe I have said that last sentence to every girlfriend/fuckbuddy I've ever had, Hello Deja Vu.

2) January 17, 2009 8:12 PM... Nuinitari said... No love for the Supremes "I hear a symphony"? I'm sure it's on that disc.

Sure, it's track 6 out of 24.

Good stuff too, all the songs are quick, snappy, and have purpose.

Where Did Our Love Go?, Baby Love, Come See About Me, Stop! In the Name of Love, You Can't Hurry Love, You Keep Me Hanging On, Reflections, Love Child, Someday We'll Be Together, Ain't No Mountain High Enough, Upside Down, and Endless Love and a few more.

Many times, I listen to these songs and CRY UNCONTROLLABLY. But that's just me.

3) December 3, 2008 10:07 AM ... Jesus said... Question for you, Hyatte: At what point did you decide that you just didn't give a shit anymore, and you were content to do absolutely nothing interesting or special with your life?

September 30, 2006.

4) February 2, 2009 12:27 PM... Porn Valet said... Hyatte have you ever had a gay experience?

You mean, aside from all the times Dad fingered me? Two of them.

Once I mooned one of the residents at that crazy, state-funded apartment complex I used to watch back in the day. He was an old guy. He complained. I got yelled at.

Then at a club back in the day when I was a sex BANDIT... I kissed a guy to freak out a girl. The guy, who wasn't gay by any stretch, was fucked up drunk enough and jammed his tongue down my throat. I couldn't keep the joke going and bailed. The girl was quite freaked. Mission accomplished.

Umm... then there are the various... well, just one now... porn sites I visit... and you have the option to go into the gay sites... and sometimes... sometimes you just want... to...

*AHEM... I walked into a strip club once. The guy at the door said, "6 dollars". I glanced over and saw a buff naked guy swinging his cock on stage. Genius detective that I am, I looked to the guy and said, "Umm, is this a gay bar?" He slowly shook his head up and down. I ran out. ALL MAN!!

Hmm, let's see... in a New York Adult Video store I was in a booth flipping channels and suddenly, there was a sheep on screen. I flipped away. I flipped back and suddenly, the sheep was joined by a very naked Tom Byron.

I held out for as long as I could but eventually had to flip around until I landed on Jill Kelly showing John Dough what time it was.

Lesson to be learned: Hyatte ain't no homo.

6) January 21, 2009 2:45 PM ... Patricia said...You're right, i'm no longer reading..

Or writing, or texting, or calling, or anything...

Except posting here. Why is that?

Hmm, Saturday evening and you make a post here but then run away, leaving with plenty of time before you know I'm around. And making sure I know it. I know you were around tonight. You chose to stay hidden. Or you got a new ID. Or I'm blocked away.

Obviously, you are fucking with me. You've gone ugly. If you want a retaliation... sorry, can't help you there. I LIKE being the good person who made a promise and loves sticking to it. I LOVE warming your heart as you break mine.

It's okay, incidentally. I don't mind any of this. Just means you aren't ready to let me forget you. You would hate that. It would drive you nuts. And THAT drives you nuts. And scares you to death (ah ha! Hyatte sees ALL the angles)

LOVE IT!!

And... ahh.. maybe one day, I will be able to forget you.

You're so lucky you have me. Miss me terribly. I know, I know. When the sun shines we'll shine together.

You can come back when you are ready to jump in headfirst (remember that reference?). Until then, well... I'll never blink first again. Never, ever, ever. I have earned that right... after YEARS of... well, you know.

I'm no pushover... I'm not "Bam"... I can fuck with you just as good as you can with me... but a million fights and a thousand break-ups can't... well, you know the rest.

And if I'm kidding myself.. well.. who's visiting whom. And why.

Just accept the obvious. Stop fighting it.

Heh.

(ahem... and the rest of you motherless c-bags are NOT allowed to offer an opinion here. Shut the fuck UP.)

7) January 17, 2009 12:34 PM... FLEA said...
I told you back then what you wrote didn't match the vibe of the song.

Hyatte: youdumbfuckingDRUNK! Yawr missing the irony of the online parodiiiiieeeeeee!

FLEA: but...they have to match song so that when people play the song and read...

Hyatte: FLEA! get the fucking irowny! it's not supposed to match, that's that point!

FLEA: let me edit the fucker

Hyatte: Irowny! IROWNY...Jesus

FLEA: ...just rememeber I told you so

[i]He was wearing nice, black Nikes.[/i]

HYUCK! "Black"...they didn't work

FLEA

HA!! You switched the names on the script!

Really, it's like Willie singing like Placido and Carson singing like Willie.

FRIED CATFISH!! HYUCK... HOWWWLLL.

"HI-RATE!! DID'JA HEAR WHAT JESUS SAID IN THE HOTEL LOBBY??"

"No I don't, Flea. What?"

(takes a long, drawn-out, desperate pull from his bong – followed by a nice, generous sip from his glass)

"HE THREW THREE STAKES ON THE LOBBY COUNTER AND ASKED 'KIN YA PUT ME UP FOR THE NIGHT?'!!"
HYUCK!! HEE HEEE... HOOO HOO... HEEYUCK OWLS!!!!

How dare he acts as if he's the rational one.

8) November 20, 2008 4:12 PM ... Anonymous said... Hyatte, why do you care if people know your real job? There's nothing wrong with being a porn industry fluffer

They call me "Sahara Bill" in the Valley, because once I get through with them, they be drier then a desert.

9) January 18, 2009 11:56 AM... Anonymous said... ""Clearly" my hairy, brownie asshole. I could go anywhere and restart "And Another Thing" just like that and it would DECIMATE everything else!!" To decimate means to diminish by 10%. And Hyatte, my boy, you've been diminishing in 10% increments for YEARS now. HAWR! MISS ME, FUCKO?!

Miss you? Who the fuck are you? Asshole!! How am I supposed to know what cumstain this is.

10) January 18, 2009 12:23 PM... Anonymous said... Also, where the hell have you been? Last I remember, I was reading your debut "And Another Thing" on The Smarks!! ZOWIE!! Plus Luke Johnston says hi.

I was with The Smarks for about a week, so little a time I don't even count it on my resume. Who the hell is Luke Johnston??

11) January 19, 2009 9:48 AM... Mr Christopher Gugliadeugoo... Your rent is due.

WHO??????????

That looks Italian. You motherfuckers better not be thinking I'm a dago.

12) February 2, 2009 10:19 AM.... Pat Patterson said...
I been hearing you've been dissing me.

YOU WANT SOME, BOY??

*unzips*

Daddy?

13) January 19, 2009 11:02 AM... Anonymous said... Am I the only one who thinks Porn Valley is as much an attraction to this blog as Hyatte himself?

Porn Valley has knowledge of a world that all of us find fascinating, yet the more we learn, the skeezier we feel. It's like that Nic Cage movie, where he lost a bit of his soul getting into that nonsense.

And really, the deeper you go... the worse it gets.

He can drop nuggets of incite whenever he wants, but this ain't a porno-blog and I'm not the next Luke Ross.

BUT... you know how you can tell the superstar actresses from the rest? They are the ones who control the moves. I was watching a Jenna Jameson scene a few days ago and the dude tried to grab her hair from the crown and pull back. Jenna grabbed that douchebag's hand and YANKED it off her. "Get outta here with that bullshit!!" she practically screamed.

Jenna can do that. Jesse Jane can do that. Umm... a few others can do that. The rest just gotta take it. That's how you can tell the big time superstars from the rest of the pretty pretties.

14) January 19, 2009 2:30 PM Anonymous said... Porn Valley has amazing power. Amazing power. Kay Parker is still the best ever. So real looking.. amazing woman. Been looking for Taboo on a torrent... anyone know of one where you can see it?

Kay Parker is an 80's porn chick with a bad, overgrown perm-fro, flabby buns, and the God Damn forest down there so thick I expect Bear Grylls to dedicate an hour trying to survive in it. Today's porn sluts,m as I said before, are toned, thin, beautiful, well-kept, and properly groomed AND trimmed. No contest and EWWW...

Old time porn used to gross me out... especially when men would continue to muff dive even when their... spudz has already.... and the guys were always, like, 20 years older then the girls, most of them weren't spring chickens either.

There was the time I saw a doped out girl blow a German Shephard. And on the same tape a horse got some action. Remember those tapes? Unlabeled... no cover... just these ominous black things. Sick.

Anyway, this ain't no porno-site... but Here's that Taboo you asked for. Enjoy the world of bad perms and pasty white bellies.

15) (Part 1) January 21, 2009 12:32 PM... Mr. Nova said... One last porn-related complaint of mine: I don't like videos or pictures of girls spreading their snatches & plunging big, gigantic dildos into their twats. It makes me feel inadequate about myself. Y'know what I mean? 'Cause if I'm with a girl and she has trouble cumming, I'd MUCH rather assume that the problem was her insensitive, leathery, calloused pussy... instead of my undersized pink crayon. Right? Damn skippy I'm right.

That's why men should NEVER buy their girlfriends a vibrator that's bigger than their OWN dick. You're basically ADMITTING that YOU are the problem!

15) (Part 2) January 22, 2009 1:37 PM... Anonymous said... Wouldn't buying a vibrator for your girlfriend AT ALL be saying that you are the problem? I can't quite get around that bend.

15) (Part 3) January 23, 2009 9:35 AM... Rinsa said... Oh and buying your woman a vibrator? Please, if you honestly think that's some sort of admission of inadequacy then you're clearly stuck at a very early stage of fucking. Move away from the missionary and be a little more imaginative.

You know, one thing about these pornos is that all these guys... every last one of them, are all bigger then me. This is why I really don't watch it constantly. Just enough to learn things and have a quick muck around.

Every girl I've ever fucked have had guys bigger than me.

And most girls I know, even the virgins, have a few toys carefully hidden.

Gloomchen once told me that she had a nifty little treasure chest lockbox under her bed for years, holding her toys... and her boyfriend (not the man she married), never knew about it. I can only assume her husband is aware of it, and makes liberal use of it.

Vibrators are a girl's best friend, and can be a guys best friend too. Does it mean YOU, the guy, is lacking the skill? Nope.

But let's face it, we guys only need a few minutes of work to pop. We are like performance vehicles: we can go from zero to splatter in just a few minutes and most girls are like luxury town cars, they need some tender care and slow acceleration before building up to high speeds then they shake themselves apart and EXPLODE into cruise speed and making you breakfast.

(in most cases. Girls like the quick fuck too, but that's when they let their imagination do the slow build. Or if you do something AWESOME and they watch it... like beat up 5 guys and one angry Samoan and go mental on some retard..., but let's stick to long term relationships)

Now once guys get the foreplay down and know which buttons to push, we get lazy and just do a little of this, a little of that, then jump right in because we need sleep, or the game is on, or Trish is waiting online and her husband isn't home or something else like that. We get on, tickle the right places, bang away, then kiss her on the forehead and get back to business. The girl gets fucked, enjoys it, but isn't exactly... fullfilled.

And that's why vibrators rule. They can finish the job you started.

But here's the cool part. Listen carefully...

VIBRATORS CAN NOT REPLACE YOUR HANDS!!!!

Your hands are CRUCIAL to your girl getting off. Rough or nice, dominating or sensual... girls LOVE hands all over them... feeling, groping, massaging, gliding, grabbing, OWNING them. They love the control, being guided, manipulated, or caressed... most of the time all of the above. A vibrator can never replace your hands, or your body on top of them, or under them.

No matter what you do, no matter how many times you two call it "fucking"... to the girl, no matter how rough or gentle or hardcore or soft & easy... they aren't fucking you. The sloppiest 2 a.m. drunk slut is not really "fucking" you.

They are all making love to you. They fuck the vibrator, they make love to you.

Always.

Just remember one little philosophy that will always point you in the right direction: Men fuck with their dicks - Women fuck with their hearts.

Always.

And... vibrators are fun to use if she's into getting tied up. Buzz on that clit for about 15 minutes while they can't do anything... or even their inner thighs. Watch what happens. The shit will turn colors you never imagined existed.

Hyatte Lives.

16) January 18, 2009 9:49 AM... richardhouseholder said... Am I the only guy on Earth (besides your local preacher...but even then...) who does not find porno actresses hot in the least? Jenna Jameson is the only one I could name off the top of my head and she is absolutely un-attractive to me. Maybe I just haven't seen enough, but I have never, ever seen a porn actress that I thought was better looking than, say the average girl I work with. That goes for strippers too. And I am not gay, I swear.

No, my friend, you are not alone. Because while yer ol' buddy Hy-Rate talks a good game about the bitches and the wild sex doggies who are pathetic enough to fuck on camera and make a living, they are not perfect mates.

See, normal girls can hold conversations. They can laugh with you and make you laugh. They will stay home with you on Friday night if you're not feeling up to going out. They will cuddle with you. They will cook for you. They will let you cook for them and tell you its delicious even when it isn't. They will make you soup when you're sick. They will give you a warm body to hold on a cold night. They will listen to you. They will make sure you have dry towels for the shower. They will keep the place clean. They will do laundry. They will make you feel like the greatest person on the planet.

They will love you. They will give you their heart and trust that you won't break it. And they will be grateful that you won't let them be alone.

To me, having a girl say, "I want to have your baby." is the sexiest, hottest thing a man could ever hear. Makes him feel more like a man than anything else.

So no, my friend, you aren't nuts. In fact, you are perfectly normal.

17) February 5, 2009 5:28 PM... Anonymous said... So how's your kid Chris? The one you're too cold to talk about?

She's fine.

18) January 12, 2009 7:33 PM... Anonymous said... Hyatte, Why the hate for Ashish? I thought you once mentioned always being on good terms with him, even long after the falling out with Widro. Also, 411 seems to be the only site you were ever on that is still successful, why is that?

So I've covered vibrators and porn so, of course, I throw in an IWC question. Way to go. What a super-COOL Blog. What a super-COOL guy!!

I'm on fine terms with Ashish, it's YOU GUYS who goad me into talking about 411. I never even heard of fucking Jeff Smalls before one of you tools started mentioning him here.

And as for sites that I was a part of...

A: Scoops. Fell apart after I left.

B: ScoopThis. Was discontinued while I was still there because Erik Ashley had bigger fish to fry.

C: 411. WAAAY better after my reign then before I showed up, and wouldn't have grown were it not for me.

D: Inside Pulse. Still around, just no one goes there. I hear Widro just keeps it around for his resume.

E: DOI. Still around and my year+ there did it no harm or foul... except it was hacked once and "The Stratus-Festo" was lost... which I KNOW Trish regrets not saving so she can read it every so often and shed a tear.

So only two sites stopped running, one site is THRIVING partiually because of me and NOT that runt Csonka (not a chance, dickface), one site is coasting and accepting of its place, and the other site is chugging right along serving all things Independent on the Eastern Seaboard.

Oh, and this blog is read by 90% of the Torch staff... and Scooter Keith... and others... and its slowly gaining momentum too... until the next time I flake off for a month.

So your meager attempt to jab at me has BOMBED, sir.

19) February 2, 2009 8:41 AM... Anonymous said... Eric S and scientology. What's the deal?

The deal is... in the middle of last year a group of computer geeks in California decided to fuck with Scientology. They named themselves "Anonymous" and posted You Tube videos promising the end of Scientology as we know it.

They also staged protests wearing old "Theater" masks. They didn't do much, just an annoyance.

But, as a reporter from "Maxim" wrote (and this is the first time in AGES I picked up a Maxim magazine, but I wanted to learn), Scientology is a nasty bunch of folks who don't like to be fucked with. They pinpointed the leaders of Anonymous, followed them home, took pictures of them without the masks, and made it public.

And in one guys case, they appartently kidnappped his dog IN HIS HOME.

That... more or less... ended the enthusiam of this group.

Meanwhile, in "Anonymous"'s attempt to build something national, branches of the group... let's call them "Factions of Douchebags" popped up all over this country... and one of them decided to unmask and give a newspaper interview as a real human being and NOT as the concept of a group speaking for the rest of us non-Scientologists.

That would be Eric S.

And right there and then, I lost respect for him.

See, he didn't unmask to make a point, he unmasked... he JOINED these silly little flies in the ointment, to get noticed. Being an IWC writer wasn't enough (like I couldn't have told him this)... he wanted attention, he wanted purpose, he wanted to be somebody...

So he unmasked and basically BEGGED Scientology to recognize him.

A 45 year old man seeking purpose and attention. Sad. You all may shoot me if I ever go this lame a few years from now.

I'm pretty sure Scientology ignored him... and I am fairly postive the founders of "Anonymous" just shook there heads and said, "What a dick."

Eric is like 99% of the world... he's a nobody who is just here to get on this ride called life, then get off without anyone noticing he was on. That wasn't enough, he made a weak attempt to be somebody, only he chose the dumbest means possible. "HERE I AM, L.RON LOVERS!!," he shouted. "COME AND GET ME!! Please?"

He was ignored. GOOD.

He embarrassed himself. And he's too arrogant to admit it. It's okay, I'll do it for him.

Weak, dude.

20) February 3, 2009 7:18 PM... Jesse Baker said... Question for Hyatte: are there any old movies that you love to watch over and over again? Any old school Hollywood actors and actresses who's work you love to watch, even if the film itself is crappy? Any classic films you watch over and over again, finding new things about them that you didn't notice every time you watch them?

Well, I talked about porn and the IWC, might as well hit the trifecta of geekness.

Star Trek 2: The Wraith of Khan. It's running on the HBO channels this month, and I can NOT get enough of it. It's 28 years old now, and I canNOT stop watching it.

It's got everything... pathos, growth, death, action... it steals themes from Moby Dick, the action scenes are thrilling, the ruminations on growing older are poignant. The interaction is compelling. It's got everything.

And it's easily Shatner's best work... ever. He loses the histrionics (which he made into a second life on Boston Legal and actually handed in an honest to God character study about a cowboy who is getting old and hates it.

Bill Shatner gave us more incite about James T. Kirk in this one movie then 3 years of TV and 6 additional flicks.

And I watch the god damned thing each and every time its on.

Plus, it's got a death scene that, top to bottom, never fails to kill me.

As for the rest... well, fuck me but I went and paid for The Rundown in the movies, bought it on PPV, rented the video, and watch it every fucking time its on TV,,, and it isn't even that good.

Other movies are the usual suspects: Rocky 1, 2, 3, 4, and now his last one, The Karate Kid, Midnight Run, umm... a bunch more.

Its like this... I don't need to know the plot if I see the names "Denzel Washington", "Tom Hanks", "Jack Nicholson", "Leo DiCaprio", "Johnny Depp", or, believe it or not, "George Clooney" on the marquee. Them boys don't fuck around anymore (they used to, but no one has a spotless resume). If they are in ther flick, you know there is a reason that flick was made.

And if Michael Bay directed it, I'm there... and I don't CARE if its aimed at assholes and 13 year olds... you are gonna get your money's worth... and that's all I care about anymore... getting my money's worth.

Once upon a time, I'd put "Robert DeNiro" and "Al Pacino" on that list... but they sold out, man. They sold out.

I'd ruminaste on this more but... man, I've talked enough.

So, let's wrap this up with a nifty video that many will love... honoring David Letterman's recent show where he had Bill Hicks' mom on and finally ran Hicks 15 year old routine that he decided to edit out years back...

Sam Kinison was a bright, blazing star who burned out do to drugs and excess... and now he's a mere footnote in comedy lore... but in the 80's, he was a TORNADO...

And also a boob...

Come back with me, friends... after rattling on about porn all blog long... let's check out a little bit of self-indulgance and soft-core frolicking that MTV wouldn't DREAM of airing now (no blacks in it)... and let's see Aerosmith's Steven Tyler and Joe Perry hang out with the likes of Slash, the dude from Ratt, Tommy Lee, and other 80's hair metal icons... and Tommy Lee!!!

And Jessica Hahn... in the highest poiunt of her career.

If this was 20 years later... Kid Rock, Snoop Dogg, P-Diddy, and maybe Ludacrisp would be right there.

Have a little fun... loosen a little up... and just enjoy...

And no, you fucking tools... I do NOT look like Kinison...

Years before Charlie Sheen made it cool...

You make my heart sing

OH OHHHHHHHHHHH

Until next time...

Dinks