A Splintered Mind by Douglas Cootey

Christmas and Oops!

2009-12-26T07:00:00.001-07:00

I'll be taking a break from blogging until next Tuesday. Until then, I hope your holiday is going well. Ours looked as if it would be a disaster, but turned out to be quite nice in the end. Best of all, I loved spending Christmas with my family. It's different when they're all home, on their best behavior, and we have absolutely nowhere to go. There must be a way to bottle the euphoria that hangs in the air after all the presents have been opened so we can breathe it in later.

My kids would suggest that I should give them presents all year long, but I had something more spiritual in mind…

In the meantime, leave a comment below. I'd love to know what your most embarrassing ADHD holiday goof was, or, if you suffer from Depression, I'd love to know what gift boosted your spirits the most.

For me, forgetting to buy my daughter's birthday present in time for her birthday yesterday may very well go down as the worst mistake I have ever made. Telling her “it hasn’t arrived yet, but it’s on its way" just doesn't have a ring of sincerity even if it is true.

As for gifts that boosted my spirits, receiving the illustrated Stardust hardcover from my daughters last year is still a high mark. To think they knew me so well really touched me. I love Charles Vess' illustrations. I had been pining for that book for some time, but had not justified the expense. I hadn't even mentioned it to anyone, yet somehow they knew. Most importantly, seeing their relieved, pleased faces at my excitement really made me love them on a new level that day.

On a side note, the most challenging part of the holidays this year has been helping my learning disabled, eight year old understand the reason for the season.

"Who's birthday is on the 25th?" we would ask.
"My sister's!"

Perhaps now that she's watched The Nativity Story and cried at the birth of Baby Jesus, she might remember next year. At any rate, if you aren't Christian I thank you for letting me muse about the holiday in this manner. I suppose I'm just feeling contemplative and happy this morning.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, everyone. Thank you for being such great readers. I enjoy your comments as well as interacting with you on Twitter. I hope this weekend is a good one for all of you.

Until next week…

Birthday Under Construction

2009-12-23T07:00:00.002-07:00

In which Douglas is actually not freaked out on his birthday. He did it the day before instead.

I turn forty three today.

No longer the Adamsian figure of forty two, there is no witty shared joke about my age. It's forty three. Life, the Universe, and Everything no longer applies. There are no answers; I need to find my own.

I awoke yesterday in a black mood. My friend, Bree Despain, had a book released (The Dark Divine). She had hoped it would be released at midnight Eastern Standard Time, but alas, 12AM EST sailed right by. She made the best of it, but then stopped tweeting altogether. I could only assume she went to bed. I couldn't relate.

Go to bed before your book goes live on Amazon.com? How could she do that‽ I guessed that Amazon.com was probably waiting for 12am PST/1am MST, and sure enough I was able to post the first review on Bree's fabulous book.

When I awoke at 2pm, Bree had been up for hours. Not only did she go to bed at a decent hour, but she woke up early. I bet she even squeezed in some writing before sending her kid off to school. How different from myself. I can stay up to 1am without breaking a sweat. She woke at 5:45am and that’s been my bedtime for a few weeks. In fact, it’s 4am now as I write this.

I would never have gone to bed without knowing if my book was about to go live on Amazon.com. I would have stayed up all night waiting. I would have reloaded the page endlessly for hours on end like a one man denial of service attack on my own product page.

Then Depression hit me like an anvil falling through the roof. I don’t have a book coming out. I'm not writing enough to finish one. I stay up late posting reviews about other people’s books instead. I hadn’t accomplished anything this year. Who would bother staying up past 11pm for me? I was a failure.

Stop me if you’ve heard this before.

I brought these destructive thoughts to a screeching halt. “Hey,” I told myself. “You’ve accomplished some goals this year.”

“Oh, yeah?” I cleverly replied.

“Yeah! You sold three articles to ADDitude Magazine, two of which have been published. That means you made your goal of getting published this year. That’s a big deal. You've been writing and learning. In fact, you finished a picture book just last week. You were supposed to be working on a different book which is now not finished, but it’s the thought that counts. You also didn’t draw very much. Hmm, maybe you’re right!”

“Hey!” I said back to myself, but not very convincingly.

Clearly I needed help, so I sought out my oldest daughter. She helped me remember that I had just been interviewed over at HealthyPlace TV, which opened up some doors for me. I had also finished the redesign for DUIhope. That was a big project for me this year. I even pushed myself to attend two writers conferences and author meets instead of staying home and fearing I would tic in public.

There were so many other things that I accomplished as well. Things like finishing that blasted bunny drawing and doing some freelance video work in a jiffy. Sometimes I get so focused on what I think I'm supposed to have accomplished, I discount what I have accomplished. I forget that I’m a stay-at-home dad with disabilities and the demands on my time that tolls. I still think of myself as a fresh-faced, childless 21 year old boy with a whole life ahead of him with no obstacles. I also expect, rather unrealistically, to accomplish a half a million important things before I wake up for the day.

Silliness.

So here’s to year forty three. I may not have a book published yet, but I’ll get there soon. In point of fact, I’ll leave hang-ups, fears, and obstacles behind me in the wake of my accomplishments. That's the plan. Now to get busy working on it.

Being Busy Is a Christmas Tradition

2009-12-22T18:41:00.000-07:00

I just finished the last edits on a rewrite for ADDitude Magazine. I'm working up an article for them based on my experiment in May '08 regarding Multi-Irons Syndrome.

Revisiting that material has been eye opening for me. In fact, it's shaping the focus of my blog going forward. Instead of random ramblings, I've been mulling over the idea of having a goal for the year—something to work toward. I have to admit being inspired by Julie & Julia. I like the idea of blogging with a purpose. That's what worked for the MIS articles and I'm surprised I haven't done more of it. It's like I was distracted or something.

Hahaha.

ADHD joke there.

I had intended to write a new article for you today, but life being what it is for me (chaos bundled in hearts & lace stuffed into a musket and blasted in my face from a passing bus), I may not get to it until later tonight. So Tuesday's article will appear on my birth day, tomorrow.

On another note, I finished Christmas shopping last week, but haven't managed to put up the tree yet. Or wrapped anything. Better luck next year, I suppose. Here's hoping you aren't out there in the final hours of Christmas madness.

The photo above was taken last week before all the crazed procrastinators headed out in droves. I enjoy exploring my world through the camera of my iPhone. I find it provides me peace when all around me is frantic and frazzled. I invite you to visit my Flickr space. I've been updating my photo albums there with these creative explorations. This photo is from my Toy Camera collection.

Thanks for reading.

Adult ADHD and Depression - In Which I'm Interviewed & Make Goofy Faces When I Think No One's Looking

2009-12-15T23:54:00.001-07:00

There won't be an article today. I put my all into the interview with HealthyPlace TV, which I'll embed below.

The glitches were annoying, but humorous. I would wait for my video feed to be active and it would be black, leading me to believe there was a problem. And then there'd be this big window with a red X in it warning me of impending doom. All the while, my video was being recorded and sent out into the ether. Good thing I didn't do anything embarrassing during those moments.

As for the content, aside from my interstellar performance and funny faces, the commentary by the hosts was insightful, especially Dr. Croft's. Both men discussed ADHD & Depression in a clear way that I highly recommend you take time to listen to. I have not very often bumped into people that get me and what I've been dealing with all my life. Most especially, I have not often bumped into doctors that not only have heard of Desoxyn, but of what it can do to a rare few.

I don't want to be pitied. I just want to be understood. Both hosts did that and more for myself, and all others who struggle with these issues. I'm really glad I did this interview. I hope you enjoy it. I look forward to your comments.

Watch live streaming video from healthyplace at livestream.com

Preparing for an Interview on HealthyPlace TV

2009-12-14T16:55:00.002-07:00

I was contacted last week by the good folks over at HealthyPlace TV. Apparently, they had read my blog and felt I was perfect for a public drubbing, live and on internet TV no less. I told them that I was allergic to raw tomatoes, but they assured me they only used bricks, so I said that would be fine.

The request looked something like this:

Our show, Tuesday night, December 15, focuses on the emotional and psychological aspects of having ADHD and Depression. I'm writing to ask if you would be a guest on the show. We are looking for someone to share their personal story so that others may learn from it and know they are not alone in their own experiences.

Can't you just see the malice rising from the text like evil tendrils of smokey…no. I can't see it either. In fact, I almost didn't believe my eyes. Somebody out there recognized that living with AD/HD & Depression wasn't a figment of my whiney imagination or a walk in a marshmallow park?

After some tentative emails my fears were allayed and I jumped on board with enthusiasm. Then I panicked for a little bit. Live? Me live? Oh, this was going to be a disaster. I don't do anything live. I like to prepare, edit, sleep on it, bury it in my backyard, dig it up weeks later, then mull it over.

Frankly, I was petrified. Still am. So obviously I'm going to force myself to do it. Embrace change. Ignore fear. Maybe even grow.

Heck, it might even be entertaining. You can all tune in for the car wreck. I'll make my hair especially spikey for the occasion.

Today I logged into their site and did a trial test. Everything was peachy. I'm all set for tomorrow. The show airs 8:30 PM EST/6:30 PM MST. Maybe you can log in and send me distracting comments during the show. A brief synopsis is available here, and I hope you enjoy the audio promo I did for them.

Please leave comments of encouragement. I'm going to need them.

Monday Muse - An Abyssinian Cat Catches My Eye

2009-12-14T15:00:00.000-07:00

Blue in hawthorne by polandeze.

As much work as they were, I really missed these writing exercises. At first I didn't think they fit on the blog, but lately I've been getting extremely bored writing about my problems. How many different ways can I write "I'm a failure/I'm not really a failure"? I'd rather do something more constructive.

When I was researching my Secret Cat Project a few weeks ago, I came across this lovely Abyssinian silver. Immediately, I asked myself, "What's this cat looking at?"

Keep your reply short (advice meant for me) and have some fun with it. I'll start:

Mrs. Sibbins' cat sat in our tree and continued to stare down at us. Katy was blowing out candles and everyone was cheering, but I couldn't keep my eye off that cat.

It was so beautiful with its tall ears and long, flyaway whiskers—almost like antenna. And such golden eyes. I usually loved looking it. Why was it making me feel nervous today?

I watched it lick its lips.

Katy was opening a present from Sarah now. I clapped along with the other girls. She was so lucky. Sarah gave her a lipstick kit. Then I looked back at the tree. The cat was still watching us. It was a little further down the tree.

I turned to my friend next to me. "Jenny, has anyone seen Mrs. Sibbins lately? I haven't seen her outside in forever."

"My mom and Mrs. Myer were just talking about that yesterday. No one has seen her in weeks." Jenny drank some punch and turned back to look at Katy. She was opening a present from Jill now.

"I wonder who is feeding it?" I asked, but Jenny wasn't paying attention. Jill had given Katy a gift certificate to Hair Palace. Katy squealed and hopped in her seat. She looked funny, but I was a little jealous. I love that place.

The cat was licking its lips again; it looked hungry. I think it was closer to the ground, but I wasn't sure. I hadn't seen it move.

Katy's mom ran inside to get the ice cream while Katy opened my gift last. My mom had picked up a movie card with enough money on it for a popcorn. I hoped Katy liked it.

Katy did. She didn't squeal or hop up and down, but she smiled and thanked me.

"Oh, I've got to go!" Jenny suddenly said. "I've got to see my orthodontist." Everybody said their goodbyes to Jenny as she hurried past the tree into the woods. She lived on the street beyond. As I waved to her the smile on my face froze. Mrs. Sibbins' cat was following Jenny into the woods. I suddenly got all nervous again.

And the winner is…

2009-12-14T06:30:00.000-07:00

Dustin's name was selected as our latest winner. Congratulations. Now you get puppies and a book. Click on the Contact Info link at the bottom of the page and send me your address after you've looked over the meager selection (I hope Santa brings me more books to give away). Click on the photo for a higher res version. You have a week to claim your prize.

I'll try to get your book out to you before Christmas.

Splintered Feeds

2009-12-14T05:41:00.001-07:00

Over the years I have found many readers either start following me for my posts on Depression, or they start following me for my posts on AD/HD. If I go through a period of covering one subject more than the other, I lose new readers. Now that I'm exploring writing as a new subject, I imagine this problem will grow worse. It's time to organize my blog in a way that will benefit my various readers. It's not their fault my mind goes in several directions at once.

Since I'm working on a new blog design for my 5th year anniversary on January 5th, I've been rethinking what belongs here and what doesn't. I've got some changes in mind for my blog, and maybe an end in mind as well.

First, though, I want to offer my three major writing subjects up at the top. Each link will load only articles relevant to that subject. Even better, I figured out the unique RSS feed for each subject. Now my readers can follow just one particular subject if they choose. The RSS icon to the left of each label will open the appropriate feed.

If all of that sounds too technical for you, ignore it. This page will stay the same as I continue to cover everything under the sun and within the shadow of the mountain.

AD/HD:	Feed • Blog
Depression:	Feed • Blog
Writing:	Feed • Blog

Struggling with Winter Depression?

2009-12-11T17:36:00.003-07:00

Every year, Daylight Savings Time comes and ushers in a world of hurt for many people as they collectively deal with an hour less of precious sunlight. Our agrarian society is now a metropolitan one of artificial lights and deep indoors. The lack of sunlight at the end of the day strikes a hearty blow to those who suffer from Winter Depression, aka Seasonal Affective Disorder.

The Winter months see the shortest days of the year starting in the end of September until the Winter Equinox in December. If you find yourself more depressed in the Fall than at any other time of year, this may be the reason why.

I explore my own experiences with Winter Depression below. Perhaps there’s something I’ve discovered about myself that might be relevant to you as well:

Daylight Savings Time - My New Sworn Enemy - November ’08

I Wondered What Was Happening - November ’08

Less sun, more depression for people with SAD - (CNN) Dec. ’08

Putting a Spotlight on Seasonal Affective Disorder - November ’09

Lights Out on Winter Depression (SAD) - December ’09

Lights Out on Winter Depression (SAD)

2009-12-10T07:00:00.002-07:00

Two weeks ago one of my "full spectrum" bulbs went out in my kitchen. I immediately noticed a hit in my ability to push back Winter Depression over the next few days. Fortunately, I soon started turning my sleep schedule around to take advantage of daylight hours. Then when one of my readers asked me which types of bulbs to buy, I saw an opportunity.

Why just buy a replacement when I could stand in the middle of Target and take pictures of light bulbs for my blog while weirding out the Christmas shoppers?

So, with burnt CFL in pocket, I headed off to Target.

The first thing I noticed was that there were considerably more CFLs for sale than last year. In fact, there was a veritable CFL sea. I could see why a reader might find my descriptions of the light bulbs vague and confusing. Several thousand lightbulbs met my eye, maybe even millions, all only slightly different from each other. Clearly the lightbulb manufacturers of the world were sadists who were targeting those poor shlubs who suffered from decision anxiety.

As if that weren't bad enough, I located my lightbulb and discovered it was indeed listed as a "daylight" bulb, but it wasn't a full spectrum lightbulb. In fact, as far as I could see there were no full spectrum CFLs. That meant I'd been sending my readers out looking for cryptid lightbulbs.

It seems that true full spectrum light bulbs are rated at 5500 Kelvin with a high color index of 96 out of 100, which is considered noon day light. My bulbs are at 6500 Kelvin and give off a cool toned light very much like early morning light. Their color index is 82. Are you lost yet? I know I was. All these numbers can be bewildering.

First of all, color temperature in Kelvin is the measurement of what hue a light casts. The lower the Kelvin, the warmer the light is; the higher the Kelvin, the whiter and more pure the light is. Secondly, the color index indicates on a scale of 0 to 100 how true the light represents color, with 100 being the best and 20 being the lighting your hair stylist uses that colors your face ghastly yellow-green.

To further complicate matters, I did find full spectrum bulbs, but their stats were so different from the CFLs that I might as well have been comparing anchovies to oranges.

I decided to go with the GE daylight bulb since that model had been working for me. However, this means that I have to reconsider what I've written about full spectrum lightbulbs previously. After Christmas, I will be experimenting with true full spectrum lightbulbs. I'm curious to see what difference they might make.

The question for now is did my daylight CFLs work, or was I taking an electronic placebo every time I flipped the switch? Considering that placebos can lose efficacy over a matter of weeks, I consider my year spent with daylight bright CFLs a good test. I can report that they have made a difference in the quality of my life. With them, Seasonal Affective Disorder (Winter Depressino) has been kept at bay. These lightbulbs are an inexpensive solution compared to other light therapy techniques and can be found at most supermarkets. The old adage may be true. You do get what you pay for, but I still recommend giving them a chance.

Eyelids Opened Wide

2009-12-06T06:28:00.002-07:00

Family drama from the other night knocked my fresh, new sleep schedule out of bed and onto the floor. Here I am two mornings later at 6:08am, tired but unable to let go. Awake, but too tired to do anything productive. There's no way I'm going to make it to church this morning.

Since my daughter gave us an appendicitis scare last night at Primary Children's hospital, I will need to stay home and miss church anyway so that I can be on hand if she needs me. She'll likely sleep the morning away, but it would be more of a noble sacrifice if I was actually awake during those hours instead of sucking air through a CPAP.

Fortunately, I can finally feel the weight of "Nature's soft nurse" on my eyelids, but 6am is such a ghastly hour to fall asleep. The sun, that evil ball of "You think I'll let you sleep past 10?", will be rising soon.

I remain convinced, however, that mastering my AD/HD will require mastering my sleep schedule. With greater sleep I'll have greater stores of energy, mental & physical, to rein in the wilder aspects of AD/HD in my life. In fact, a good night's sleep is paramount to preserving positive mental heath for many conditions. So this morning the battle was won by Insomnia, but the war is not yet over. I'll do better tonight.

Free Book What?

2009-12-05T21:59:00.002-07:00

Free Book Friday. It seemed like such a simple idea.

After a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday (and after very successful comment system beta test. Thanks, guys!), I completely forgot to select a winner, post about it, mail off the previous winner's book, and blog. I blame the turkey. I've had far too much of it and I've had to get a wheelbarrow to haul my belly around. This makes getting out of my bedroom, down the stairs, and through the hallway into the kitchen to write very difficult. The doors & hallways are simply not wide enough. For the wheelbarrow, of course.

My big problem with the contest was that no one initially participated. I wrote:

All you have to do to get your hands on one of them is read my story sample and leave a comment no shorter than three words either here or at that entry. I'll pick one winner at random and announce the name next Tuesday. You have until one week from that day to claim your prize.

Just three words. It's easy.

Not a single person replied.

Good thing I'm not trying to build up my self-esteem over here…

I was surprised that not even ambiguous comments with double meanings were posted. Comments like:

"Totally sick, dude."
or
"Interesting word usage."

My wife didn't even reply with "Douglas, please stop."

At any rate, I opened the contest up to people who helped me test the comments system. Over two dozen people helped out, and Soozcat is the lucky winner. Congratulations! Pick from one of the above books and let me know via email which one you want. The invisible one is The Velveteen Rabbit. The fat one is something I will not likely ever read.

On a completely different matter, I had an iPhoto/Flickr sync catastrophe occur last Sunday. I upgraded iPhoto whereupon it came down with an awful annoying instance of amnesia. iPhoto completely forgot my sync settings and downloaded the photos again, creating duplicates, which I deleted, which removed the originals from Flickr, which caused me to rip my hair out and curse the Apple gods. If you find any broken graphics links, please let me know. I'm trying to fix them as I find them.

As for yesterday's contest, I've half a mind to keep my books to myself, but with only half a mind I'm not likely to know what to do with them. Therefore Free Book Friday will start a day late.

Answer the following question in one word or less:

Q: What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Answer the following question with as many words as you'd like:

Q: What do you want from me for Christmas?

I'll start:

1) Fish
2) This:

Look at that nib. So stupid. I simply must have it.

I'm looking forward to your answers. Have a great weekend.

Where Have I Been? Living! But in a Half-life Zombie State

2009-12-03T07:00:00.002-07:00

There's been a lot of drama in my life lately like a storm front moving over my life. I haven't chronicled even a tenth of it here. Some of it is very personal; some of it very boring.

What I can tell you is that aside from dealing with AD/HD and Chronic Motor Tic Disorder, organizing the holidays, carting kids around, and working on my children's book, my biggest project recently has been turning my sleep schedule around. Insomnia is a problem for me, but I've been making progress. I can happily say that it's 3:30am and I'm feeling tired, which is regrettably an unusual situation for me. However, I'll take progress where I can.

Incidentally, I must now retire to bed in order to continue turning my schedule around. In the meantime, take a look at this photo and decide for yourself if you want the storm to come in or to move out of your life.

I decided I wanted the storm to move out, so I took action to make it happen. I started with my sleep schedule. Better rest means a better mind. Since I have such a meager piece of gray matter bouncing around in my head, I figured I'd take any improvements I could get. One of the things I was able to work out was that sleep during the night instead of the day will give me the sunlight exposure I need to combat Winter Depression. Aren't I a genius? Better sleep will also give me greater mental acuity to control my AD/HD. In addition, I won't be as fatigued, so I'll likely not tic as much.

But first I must sleep.

How about you? Does insomnia get in the way or your goals?

(By the way, I want to thank everyone for their help with the new comments system. I will announce the Free Book Friday winner from several weeks ago later today. Maybe even get on track again, provided I can remember.)

Live AD/HD Feed on Twitter

2009-11-19T15:30:00.004-07:00

Here's a live Twitter search I've been experimenting with. Many people comment on AD/HD in their daily lives on Twitter. Some accept it; some deny it. Some mock it; some praise it. I've filtered the search to leave out the several million blog posts so you should be able to get a good idea of what real people think about the subject by looking over the stream.

It's likely not work safe, but any attempts to filter out cuss words have them posted in bold at the top of the page when you "Join the conversation". It made me laugh out loud. So terribly NOT what I had intended.

You can reply to the tweets in the stream by hovering your mouse to the right of the tweet's time stamp. I've found some great tweets to reply to this way. You can also log in to the comments below using your twitter account. Click on Sharing Options and make sure Twitter is selected. Let's get some constructive conversations going about AD/HD. There's still a lot of misinformation and loneliness out there.

Mailbag: An Anxious Cry For Help

2009-11-17T15:08:00.001-07:00

Despite what others may think of me in my local community and family, I am not the mess I used to be. I have come a long way. I have still a long way to go, but I am happier and better and more productive today—more so now than in any time in my life. I take no medications, and in truth shun them. They made my life worse. I live in fear of side-effects and worry about my readers who write about the cocktails they take to deal with all the side-effects yet they still are no better off for them. Mental illness is a difficult malady to overcome, yet there is hope if we can find focus and motivation to tackle it.

The other day I received this email and felt my reply to it might help other people who suffer from Panic Anxiety Disorder. I give this advice hoping that somebody can climb out of the hole they are in the way as I was able to do. As usual, I recommend seeing a Cognitive Behavior Therapist, but, as is the case with the author of this letter, not everyone can afford the services:

I loved your article Some Days are Easier than Others.......I rarely have an easy day from my depression and panic and anxiety and fear!!!! I seem to have a never ending list of things wrong with me. i am alone as husband has left me. I was ok before he left now having to cope with his leaving and all this appeared......ok i was always nervous but never to this extreme. I dont know what to do with myself. Thinking of some type of therapy But i cannot really afford it as i dont work...cannot work because of all these things i have got. I cry all the time and feel i am going to make myself ill. I try to read but cannot really. i am in such a mess.....such a mess. Help me on with your words. I wish i had a family and did not have to live through this alone. Help me please. what do i start to cure first? My panic? My anxiety? My fear? My depression? I dont know what to do and where to turn and feel that i am just wasting my life away.

-Donna Carr (name changed for protection)

Donna, a lot of my readers struggle with issues such as yours. They cannot turn to psychiatrists for help. Some have trust issues, others are cynical & doubtful of the process, and others, such as yourself, cannot afford their services.

Without access to psychiatry or the magic pills doctors prescribe, one can feel very alone when dealing with these pressing issues in today's hyper-medicated society. However, your instincts are absolutely correct.

Start with one issue at a time.

I feel your panic and so I recommend you start with that. It's what I did. Over 17 years ago I suffered from a serious panic anxiety disorder. It ruled my world. I also suffered from Depression, ADHD, Insomnia, etc. But, as you have realized, one must start somewhere.

I'm sorry to hear you have difficulty reading books. The public library is an excellent source of reading materials on this subject. You should make up your mind to force yourself to research this problem. Motivation is a strong medicine towards helping us overcome adversity.

The first thing I needed to do years ago was identify the triggers for my panic. For me, it was meeting the end of the day and facing my unproductivity—usually around 11pm like clockwork. As the new day encroached I would realize my day had been wasted (thanks to either Depression or AD/HD) so I would start hurrying around working on what needed to be done. The panic jump started me with adrenaline and it would keep me going for hours. In fact, this is what ingrained my insomniac sleep schedule even all these years later. I don't panic now, but then I did. I would also panic when facing things that upset me. Hyperventilation, racing thoughts, fear in the eyes. So pitiful. I can still feel that scared little mammal deep inside me. I knew I couldn't go on living that way. Meds didn't help. Therapy didn't help. (I mean, honestly, how is blaming my Mother going to make me panic less? And yet that was what was recommended to me. Poppycock.)

What I did was the following:

I learned to create a todo list at night. Part of the panic was the worry that I would forget to get something important done as I had already done throughout the day.
I would then forcibly command myself to relax after writing the list. It was hard at first. Very hard. But the items were written down now. I would not forget them.
I made myself realize that the panic actually hurt my efforts, not helped. I had a preponderance of evidence to show that fact was sadly true. The fear would rob me of the time I needed to actually work. I'd run in circles worrying instead of being productive.
I told myself that the panic was a trick of the mind. It wasn't real.

After many weeks I began to succeed. After several months, I succeeded beyond my wild imaginings.

Obviously, the panic is very real. There is a physiological reaction in our bodies to it. When I told myself it was a trick, what I meant was that there was no real cause for panic. The doom, gloom, and terror were not based in reality. I was highly motivated to eradicate this mess in my life and so I worked on it night and day until it was gone. It was a process that took years to refine. In fact, mastering my panic allowed me to finally focus on the serious problems in my life that were instigating the panic in the first place.

I am not you, and my triggers will not be your triggers. However, the process is still applicable. You are very much like I was. There was no one except myself who could help me. I either continued living the nightmare, or I did something about it. Continuing just wasn't an option anymore. I wanted more from my life and I was ready to make the hard realizations necessary to affect change.

I asked you before to jot down notes on what triggered your panic attacks. I hope that you did that. I found taking notes very helpful when I undertook this challenge. Something sets the panic attack off. Your job is figuring that out. A professional shrink will ask you to do the same thing. There may even be several triggers. Analyzing yourself and your thoughts before the attacks will help you discern those triggers.

The most important thing to do is to start telling yourself that the panic is all within your mind. It's a trick. You don't have to succumb to it. Things are never as bad as they seem, and I know how bad they can seem during an attack. I still remember the terror. But as soon as I identified my triggers and trained myself to realize the panic was just a trick of my mind, I started to make progress. You can, too.

Keep in touch, Donna. Let me know how you progress. I am not a profession psychiatrist, so please take that into consideration. Only you can figure out what you need to do, but I am here to tell you one thing: You can do it. The power is within you.

Good luck!

Mailbag: A Prepubescent Proposal

2009-11-17T14:50:00.004-07:00

Most of my day is spent ticking or driving and sometimes ticking in between driving. I am the full time parent and so the onus of driving the clan around lies on me. This can take a lot out of me neurologically. My wife might argue that I spend more time reading news than ticking or driving, but I'm going to ignore her. I ask that you do, too.

On days that I'm not ticking or driving, I can be found examining my navel. It's not necessarily a pretty one, although it's clean, but I do spend a lot of time looking at it while trying to figure out how to do things better.

Actually, that whole navel gazing image is wrong. When I am deep in thought I am usually staring off vacantly above me to the left, or I'm pacing back and forth looking slightly forward. Truth to tell, I really can't see my navel anymore, but I'll just work with the expression since wall gazing has awkward but truthful connotations.

Sometimes people email me and I reply to them using the incredible analytic skills navel gazing for 42 years has given me. I'm happy to share what I can. Imagine my surprise, though, when I received the following:

From: Aisah Baby
Date: Sat, Nov 14, 2009 at 12:14 AM
Subject: Hello My Dearest one,

Hello My Dearest one,
i am miss Satou,i would like to know more about you,please never mind to contact me through email (satou_baby@hotmail.com) that will enable me to explain myself to you,
i will also send my pictures for you to know whom i am. I saw you at www.mybloglog.com

Thanks and remain Blessed.
Regards
Miss Satou.
satou_baby@hotmail.com

I must admit that I can think of no advice to give this hot yet spiritual, Japanese baby. Obviously, I expect such poor English from infants, but I am concerned about the sexual overtone of the letter from someone so young, and I am uncomfortable with how intimate this typing toddler believes our relationship to be. I would recommend her parents revoke her internet privileges immediately. And unplug her webcam.

Next: An Anxious Cry for Help

Living the AD/HD Hunter Analogy—or How Castle Distracted Me

2009-11-16T13:30:00.003-07:00

Ah, do you smell it? The scent of The Hunt? Do you hear the crisp, cool clacking of the keyboard, and feel the eyes darting over the glowing screen seeking out clues… Nothing thrills my AD/HD mind more than the solving a puzzle in The Hunt.

As an art geek of sorts, I love pen & ink. I write notes with an old school fountain pen. I prefer the skritch of metallic nib on paper over the tactile-less glide of stylus over pad. Maybe one day soon I'll take my art gear and go out and actually draw something again.

When I came across the Dux Variable Precision Sharpener and successfully hunted it down, I set off a chain reaction throughout October which found me seeing things in a movie or show and hunting it down. Do you ever find yourself suddenly doing something over and over again? AD/HD can affect me that way sometimes. It's not obsessive compulsive; It's thrilling. I love the hunt.

For instance, during the CastleHalloween episode I saw the remnants of an ink bottle for a split second. My curiosity was instantly piqued. I simply had to track it down:

First, I took a screen grab of the episode, and rotated then cropped it:

Then I did a keyword search and quickly tracked it down in Google. After a few clicks and an image search I had found my bottle of ink:

.

The art department had blacked out "Non-Shellac" for the prop's closeup. That way "India Black" was the main focus with "Fountain Pen Ink" as an almost subliminal support. End result? Quickly scanned authenticity. Think of how distracting "Non-Shellac" would have been in the moment your eyes scanned the frame. In the end, however, the ink used was a Chinese no-name brand. I was much better off with my Noodler's ink…

The blacking out of "Non-Shellac" may have had a point to it, but did my hunt?

Sometimes these AD/HD bursts of cerebral activity amount to colossal wastes of time. I used to chastise myself quite severely for becoming distracted. However, I spent only a ten or fifteen minutes on this exercise. After years of The Hunt, I have become quite good at it. I have also learned to keep the search limited to one item and to know when to stop. In this way my life is often enriched by the serendipitous discovery of new things. I discover new musicians, artists, books, movies, and shows this way. Friends and family will stare at me in incredulous amazement and wonder how I find so many obscure things.

This is how: I go on The Hunt.

I allow myself fun distractions from time to time because that is how my mind is wired. I can no more stop myself from being bored and leaping out for stimulation than I can climb my own thumb. The trick is in teaching yourself how to get back on task. Once I captured my prey and trotted back happily to the present, I was able to get on with writing that evening. This is because I allowed myself to be satisfied with the find and quickly reminded myself I had other things to do before I began searching for something else, like Castle's Writer vest or Becket's gun model.

Do you ever find yourself out on The Hunt? What types of things do you search for, and how do you get yourself to leave the dogs in the kennel, come back inside, and get something done?

Comment Cornucopia (In Which Douglas Begs for Replies To Test the New System)

2009-11-13T16:44:00.001-07:00

Looks like I finally have an excuse to ditch Blogger comments and switch to Disqus. I've really liked their hooks into social media but wasn't sure about the fate of older comments. Thanks to the wonder of Twitter, though, a random, wistful comment about Disqus to a friend caught @disqus' attention. They've answered my concerns and so here we are.

I'll test out their service on newer posts and consider converting older posts if things work out. I know that from my experience with Dad-o-matic that the conversion doesn't always work (or @paisano methodically deleted all my old comments while laughing maniacally–you never know).

In the meantime, please reply to this post and try to break things. I'll make it easier for you.

Do you celebrate Thanksgiving? If so, what are the highlights for you? I love the food, the food, and the food. Conversations after dinner are always a highlight, too. And then there's desert. I find the lovely chaos of the holidays is usually just about the right speed for my frizzled mind. What about you?

Do you leave comments that never post?

2009-11-13T13:36:00.002-07:00

Updated Below

I am hearing from readers that they've left comments but none are showing up. I am trying to track down the issue. If you write comments and have found them NOT posting, please leave a comment below.

No, I kid.

If Blogger is not posting your comments then I have another reason to switch platforms. It's a lot of work, so I've been putting it off, but your comments are really important to me so I'd be willing to make the effort. You have no idea how important comments are to me and how much I agonize if you don't leave any. I'm fairly pathetic in that regard.

At any rate, I'd like to fix things here just in case it's a problem on my end. Please use my contact info to let me know if you've been having comment trouble. I will follow up with some technical questions so that I can better inform Blogger. I'd really appreciate the help, and I'll consider it an entry in the contest. See? You can enter the contest AND get out of reading my original fiction.

Update 11/13/09 2:17:18 PM: I've disabled the embedded commenting for the time being. Please leave test comments below. Each test will count as an entry in the Free Book Friday giveaway. Thanks for your help.

In Which Douglas Pretends to Write a Short Entry About Free Books & Fertilizer

2009-11-13T07:00:00.002-07:00

Ideally, this is a short entry because I'm supposedly working as much as I can on my novel. We'll see how that goes. The spirit is willing, but the mind is weak.

You may not have caught it earlier, but I was asked to review a book for ADDitude Magazine. That review is now up on their site (See Trainwreck - My Life As an Idoit). It's short & sweet and hopefully not shared here too late for Claire, who won the book a few weeks ago. Give it a read and let me know what you think of it.

Speaking of winning things, I'm giving out free books here.
Are you sure you want to lurk? It's not as if I'm giving out old copies of TV Guide, though I do have some Marilyn Monroe ones sitting in a box somewhere I thought would become collectibles. No, these are books I'm moving off my shelves because they don't fit on them. All you have to do to get your hands on one of them is read my story sample and leave a comment no shorter than three words either here or at that entry. I'll pick one winner at random and announce the name next Tuesday. You have until one week from that day to claim your prize.

Just three words. It's easy. I'll show you.

"Duude, so bad."
"Fit for fertilizer."
"Seared my eyes!"

You can obviously write more if you wish. People who tweet about this contest get double chances at winning. Just post your Twitter name and a link to the tweet if you can. Use this link for sharing: http://bit.ly/mind

Posting so much over Halloween was a big mistake. Apparently all 6000 monthly readers hit that holiday hard. None of you popped by my home either. I was giving away chocolate, rubber bats, and a leather-bound copies of my unpublished picture books—annotated—but only one family came by. I'm not sure why, but they all fled in fear.

Suddenly noticing that this entry is not very short.

To light a fire under my fanny, I've posted a goal on the side of the blog. I'm giving myself until the end of the month to rewrite and finish the first draft. Unlike my powerhouse NaNoWriMo friends, I'm not pumping out 50,000 words daily, but I'll get the first draft done. Hold me to it. This week AD/HD and Chronic Motor Tic Disorder are nailing my wings to my back, but I'm determined to see this through regardless.

I'll leave you now with some links people have shared with me. You may find them of interest. At any rate, I hope you enjoy your weekend.

Paul Stride shared with me a song he wrote about his fight with Depression. It's got a Downtempo Pop groove. Very nice. I rather liked it. Give it a listen on his website - Open My Eyes

Dr. M. I. Bonkers sent me notice of two classic ads from the 70s for Ritalin and Cylert. Both drugs are there to help you with Minimal Brain Disfunction. Cue J. P. Gumby… "My Brain HURTS! Ooooh!!" I like Dr. Bonkers' work. You all know I'm no fan of psychmeds.

These vintage ads are classic examples of Big Pharma disease-mongering
at its finest.

Step right up! See the birth of a discrete disease entity before your
very eyes!

1970 Ritalin advertisement: The mean child who doesn't mean it.
http://www.bonkersinstitute.org/medshow/kidritmean.html

1975 Cylert advertisement: He can't help it. He has MBD.
http://www.bonkersinstitute.org/medshow/kidhelp.html

I receive all sorts of promos, but I haven't had time to verify they're not just selling you something. I hope to share more links with you next week.

Embarrassing AH/HD Impulses

2009-11-12T07:00:00.002-07:00

If there is one hallmark of AD/HD, it is the lack of impulse control. Put a group of people with AD/HD in one room and their symptoms may vary, but this hallmark is one thing they all share in common.

Over the years I've learned to laugh at my AD/HD fueled moments, especially the impulsive ones. I had a chance to recall one a few weeks ago when an author friend was asking readers if they had ever lost control of themselves around a celebrity. I'm usually fairly cool around celebrities and I have my AD/HD to thank. There was one time I lost it around a celebrity. Once. The experience was so embarrassing that I have been calm and collected around them ever since.

However, first there was that ONE time…

It was 1989 and I was heading back east for World Con in Boston. My flight out of SLC hadn't opened for boarding yet, so I wandered around the airport and walked right past Michael Keaton.

My thoughts went something like this: OHMIGOSHITSMICHAELKEATONRIGHTINFRONTOFMEITHINKISHOULDFOLLOWHIMANDWORKUPTHECOURAGETOSAYSOMETHINGOHMYGOSH!!!!!

He walked into the men's room.

I followed.

When I passed around the corner, I came to a stop in front of a cinematic god whizzing in a public urinal. And then I thought:
WHATONEARTHAREYOUDOINGYOUMORONDONTJUSTSTANDTHERESTARINGATTHEMANPEEINGFORCRYINGOUTLOUDHAVESOMEPRIDEIFHESEESYOUSTARINGHELLNEVERTALKTOYOUMOOOOVE!!!!

I darted around the corner and stared at myself in the bathroom mirror. My heart was pounding, I was panting, and I tried desperately to calm myself so I could talk to him.

Before I was ready, Michael Keaton was walking up to the sink next to me.

I turned to face him and blurted out, "I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT DESPITE WHAT THE CRITICS SAY I THOUGHT YOU WERE BRILLIANT IN BATMAN."

The man hadn't even finished washing his hands yet.

I may have even tried to shake his hand while it was still soapy. I can't remember. It's all a blur now. It wasn't my brightest moment…

Mr. Keaton was gracious and thanked me, but there was a look of puzzled bemusement on his face. Twenty years later I may still cringe, but now only sheepishly and with a grin. AD/HD sure gives me plenty of humorous anecdotes to tell my future grandchildren, and if I'm ever famous enough to roast, I can provide plenty of material. There are far too many times I have inspired that puzzled look on people's faces, but I'm less likely to beat myself up about it these days. I like myself now, and I accept AD/HD as part of the package.

What are some of the funny, embarrassing things you found yourself impulsively doing? Any social fires you leaped into before thinking them through? Maybe you don't have AD/HD but you have a funny impulse story to share anyway. Leave a comment below.

And the winner is…

2009-11-11T22:48:00.000-07:00

Lucy Talikwa has been selected as last Friday's winner. She can pick any book from the following picture then email me her mailing address. My contact info is at the bottom of the page.

Please continue playing along if you haven't won. I can count the participants on one hand, so you're bound to win something sometime. More books will be coming soon. The point of the contest is for me to lure you into visiting my blog to leave comments. If this is all too greedy and capitalistic for you, you can always choose not to receive a book. Then I get comments AND I get to keep the book. Isn't that great?

As for Michael Keaton, I do apologize for not getting to that last night. Look for that story first thing tomorrow morning. It's all queued up and ready to publish.

Just Checking In…

2009-11-10T15:25:00.002-07:00

I won't be posting today's article on time. I've got my nose in a book—my own! Work I did in the later chapters of the rough draft changed the story a bit, so now I'm reworking the first chapter. Then onwards.

Of course, it took me three hours of distraction before I got to this point, but we won't dwell on that…

The article I had planned to write was about AD/HD and the tendency to obsessively worry. Instead, I'll write something tonight that's lighter and much more fun: Embarrassing AD/HD Impulses. Wait until you read what I did to poor Michael Keaton.

In the meantime, take a look at the tinwhistle collection I've started for my kids. Thanks!

Update 11/11/09 11:13:57 PM: Edited for excessive use of the word "later". I have removed the offending occurrences and flogged myself with a thesaurus as punishment.

Contact Info

2009-11-09T17:39:00.001-07:00

www.flickr.com

Darkstream's Portraits of Whimsey photoset

Blogger profile

I'm Douglas Cootey. This is my blog.
You can contact me in a variety of ways:

Gtalk:

Some Days are Easier Than Others

2009-11-08T02:38:00.001-07:00

Hard day today. I had plans. Big, beautiful plans. Instead I spent the day ticking. Then company arrived and there went my plans like leaves in the wind.

I managed to check off two of the six things I needed to do today, but there was so much more that needed to be done. I was powerless and sat there stuttering, and twitching, and unable to be productive. Days like these try my will. It is so difficult to keep my spirits up. In fact, I'm struggling with Depression as I type this.

The first stage is to recognize that I'm depressed. The next stage is to decide if I have a reason to be.

Well, I had a reason. I blew time out the window like smoke while I sat there and ticked all day.

In the past I wrote about how one must, at this point, analyze whether one is feeling an appropriate amount of sadness. After all, it is perfectly human to feel sad after you lose a big game, get dumped, lose a favorite loved one or pet, get audited, lose your house in a freak sink hole, make a mistake that costs you your job, or discover you owe the government thousands of dollars because you failed to enroll for health insurance. If your mood rides high with your political parties success, then when you lose in the polls you are sad. If your mood waxes and wanes with the moon, then you can be guaranteed to be miserable on a regular basis.

There are a lot of things in life that make us sad—many of them completely valid, others not so much. The question is how sad is too sad? I believe the answer is you are too sad if you can't function.

There is a world of difference between being bummed and being devastated. If a family member dies, you are going to be devastated. If you get a speeding ticket, you're going to be bummed out. Depressives, however, react extremely to life's triggers. We are often devastated when we should only be let down—catatonic when we should only be heartbroken.

There I was. My friends were gone. I had hours ahead of me before I went to bed. I wasn't ticking. I should have been leaping to get back to that to do list. Instead, I listed aimlessly for an hour. I moped without realizing it. Fortunately, something on Twitter snapped me out of it. I thank ADHD for this. The ability to be distracted from being depressed has saved me countless times.

Still, I only realized I was depressed. It was a long way from wrestling with it and vanquishing it. Writing here was my first step in fighting it.

David Farlane once said that people with ADHD aren't generally equipped to be authors. He spoke from the experience of seeing author friends struggle with it. There needs to be a lot of internal focus and dedication to see a book through to the end. That puts people with ADHD at a disadvantage. He didn't mention at the time how Depression or Chronic Motor Tic Disorder affected the process. I can only imagine I have set out to accomplish a monumental task. I'm determined to be the exception to the rule, however.

So even though watching the latest episode of Legend of the Seeker might lift my spirits, or reading Bree Despain's ARC of The Dark Divine might distract me from my feelings, I'm going to work on my book instead, even if only for a few minutes.

I'm not an expert, but it seems to me that if we want to have joy in life we need to work for it. My disabilities are a pain in the neck, but I can either let them define me or I can push them aside and get busy doing what I want in life. And I want to be a published author.

Therefore, I am hereby stating that Depression will not defeat me tonight. I'll write despite my mood and hopefully see lifted spirits through the effort. Wish me luck, and I'll wish you luck in your struggles as well. Take a moment to let me know what you're up against so I know how to cheer you on.