BLENDED FAMILY...Building a Life Together

Insights Into Establishing A Harmonious Blended Family

2009-10-29T22:51:00.000-07:00

Many adults are getting married with children already in the wings. The result - blended families - can be greatly rewarding, although not without conflict. This article highlights some areas of concern for blended families and how to deal with them.

It is not uncommon these days for couples to pursue remarriage with children already in tow. Blended family statistics show that at least one in three Americans is now a stepchild, stepparent, a stepsibling, or some part of a blended family.

Blended families are usually the result of remarriage after divorce, where both bride and groom have kids under their wings. Or perhaps it's a first time wedding for two single parents. Whatever the reason, families that are united by virtue of marriage and not blood are on the rise, bringing hope and stability to many people's lives.

Blended Family Remarriage Conflicts

It's not much of a surprise, however, that kids who suddenly have to deal with a "stepmother" or "stepfather" tend to shy away, become closed off, or openly rebel towards change. It's a normal blended family issue that can be dealt with successfully; one must be prepared for resistance though.

Another blended family problem that often crops up is experienced by adults who can't deal with children that are not their own. This usually stems from the idea that because a child is not one's own flesh and blood, one has no real right to get involved in that child's life. Like every other blended family conflict, it can be dealt with positively and effectively.

If you are part of a stepfamily, you're probably familiar with these and other situations. The good news is, these are all perfectly normal and each situation can be resolved given sufficient time, love, and understanding.

The following are some common stepfamily conflicts and how you can handle them positively, solidifying your family's unity and strength.

The Blended Family - Start Off With A Statement

It's a good idea to make a commitment from the very beginning of your relationship. Couples have found that engaging in a unity family ceremony during the wedding is a great way to encourage family members to accept and love each other.

Basically, a unity family ceremony is when the bride, groom, and children all take turns pouring different colored sand into a glass jar or vase, creating a unique symbol of their unity. Families can also recite a blended family vow for the wedding to verbally signify their commitment to unity and harmony. It's a great step towards getting along with each other and is very conducive to the growth of familial relationships.

The Blended Family - Decide On Where to Live

A big factor in establishing harmony in a family is your place of residence after getting married. Obviously, there's no place like home and some children resent the idea of having to move into a step-siblings house (while the original resident stepsibling doesn't have to endure the same sacrifice). A new home for everyone means the entire family has to start over and everyone is equal. It can be refreshing and exciting to move into a new home together.

The Blended Family - Face and Bury Old Conflicts

If a family is formed after a remarriage, children and parents are liable to carry over hurts and resentments from the previous marriage that can affect the harmony of the new family. For example, anger towards ex-husbands or wives, disappointment in children that their biological parents won't ever work things out - these things can be deeply painful to deal with.

It's best to handle these issues in a loving, non-judgmental manner, with everyone agreeing to support each other until the emotional wounds have healed. Constant verbal support and affirmation, hugs and kisses, and other forms of affection can all have massive impact on individual feelings.

Being negative and standoffish will only perpetuate ill-feelings and disharmony. Start your remarriage by being positive and strong for others in all situations.

How to Build Blended Family Relationships

The overall secret to building a strong blended family is to pay attention to the feelings of everyone involved and to build good faith between each other as a result.

Regarding the issue of discipline: a parent can start exerting authority and instating rules once he or she has earned the trust of the children. You can do this by listening, empathizing, and taking a genuine liking to a child's interests. Once you have proved you are for real and you truly care, they will trust you even when you discipline. It's all about building caring relationships above anything else.

We wish all parents and children good luck as you strive to build a strong blended family. To quote the Beatles, "All you need is love." That, in a nutshell, is what makes both natural and blended families work out.

Written by: Sharon Vaz - founder of http://www.unitysandceremony.net, an authority website dedicated to providing brides resources on planning an spectacular Unity Sand Ceremony.

Rules for Grandparents in a Blended Family

2009-08-21T20:00:00.000-07:00

1. Treat all the children equally and fairly

Treat your step grandkids as if they were all your biological grandchildren. They are waiting and watching to see if you will be fair to all. If your biological grandchildren call you "grandmother"- then invite your new step grandchildren to call you "grandmother." If you hug your grandchildren when you see them, then hug your step grandchildren, too.

Dispense with the "biological" and "step" labels as soon as you can. Even keeping these labels in your head may cause you to treat your grandchildren unequally.

2. Remember and Recognize Special Days

Acknowledge birthdays, school events, and any other special activities of your new step grandkids. At the beginning of each year- mark all special events on the calendar. You may even want to purchase birthday cards, or gift cards- all at once. That way you are fair to all and don't forget anyone.

Don't forget your new daughter or son in law, too. Remembering them with a card on their birthday will help show your support for the marriage. Share information about your family history or family recipes, to help your daughter or son (by marriage) feel a part of your family.

3. Express interest in each child

Make time to learn about your new step grandchildren: their activities, friends and hobbies. Figure out what makes each child unique. These endeavors will help you feel more comfortable around them, and help you get to know them.

4. Don't reminisce about the Past

Your adult child has divorced and moved on to a new marriage. Recalling the good times in their old marriage is not going to help with blending the new marriage. Take the old wedding photos off the wall and put them away in a special album. It's O.K. to keep these pictures, but do not display the old marriage partners on the wall for everyone to see when they visit you.

5. Listen

When your adult child calls and wants to talk about their frustrating moments in their blended family, but don't judge or say anything negative that you'll regret later. It's very difficult to blend a family and requires a lot of patience. Support your son or daughter as they try their best to be a good parent and spouse in this new blended family.

In conclusion- remember it's your job to love all of your grandchildren and support your adult child and his/her spouse in their new blended family. It's a little new and unfamiliar at first, but well worth your efforts. You will have the reward of a bigger family to love you back.

Source: Blended Family Advice

Tips for Helping Your "Blended Family" Blend Better

2009-03-30T20:55:00.000-07:00

Outside of the land of television and movies, so-called “blended families” face tremendous challenges. Whereas Hollywood can help their “make-believe” families “blend” rather nicely, real life isn’t always so kind.

When a couple remarries and there are children involved, it’s crucial for this new family unit to really feel like a family. In Resolving Conflict in the Blended Family by Tom and Adrienne Frydenger, the authors suggest that one of the most effective ways for creating that sense of family is the “team building” concept.

Here’s how it works –

1. A team builder values other people. If there are step-children in the home who feel their opinions don’t matter, they’ll be less likely to want to be a part of this new blended family unit.
2. A team builder isn’t quick to judge the opinions of others. They know that these differences aren’t necessarily right or wrong – just different.
3. A team builder views these differences as opportunities for growth. They provide a healthy variety of thought for creative decision-making. They’re also good starting points for conflict resolution – a must in the blended family!
4. A team builder is able to identify his own goals and interests. Nothing will sink a blended family faster than irrational thinking on the part of either or both spouses.
5. A team builder wants to involve all conflicting parties in the resolution process. Ever tried planning a “blended family vacation?” It’s an exercise in “conflict resolution” at its best. Better to get all opinions, gripes, scheduling issues, etc on the table early in the process.
6. A team builder is willing to co-operate. The blended family is not a dictatorship. Leading by example is always the best way to raise children anyway.
7. A team builder is willing to accept uncomfortable momentary circumstances in order to build a good working relationship. Shouldn’t we all! But this is especially true in the case of the blended family. It may take longer to accomplish a “family goal” . . . but in the end, it’s worth it!
8. A team builder recognizes the value of trustworthiness. All children are naturally suspect of blended families initially. That means, Mom and Dad, your credibility is being graded on a much tougher scale the second time around. Be trustworthy – and be willing to trust your children and stepchildren. Don’t make earning your trust too difficult for them.
9. A team builder does not coerce or manipulate. Rational persuasion goes much further than step-parent force any day.
10. A team builder will commit to the consensus of the group. The only way for a blended family to really “blend” is if each member buys into the concept that this is, in fact, a family now. Especially in this case, the whole is not greater than the sum of the parts.

Team building is a great concept to use to help your blended family “blend.”

Author: Jim Burns, Ph.D.
(Excerpted from the book, Resolving Conflict in the Blended Family by Tom and Adrienne Frydenger.)

Blended Families Can Be Successful

2009-03-28T00:05:00.000-07:00

Many families today are blending members from past relationships. It would be easy to give up when faced with all the conflicting methods of parenting and discipline that come to a family who has joined forces together.

As I was doing research for a recent book, I interviewed a young counselor at a youth camp. I was impressed with her sincerity, maturity, and gratitude that her “blended family" had made the effort and sacrifice to work together toward a common goal. She admitted that she was the instigator of most of the conflict and absolutely refused to cooperate on even the most menial request by her step-mother. She could tell that the adults were becoming increasingly unhappy and stressed and she was secretly glad that they were suffering.

Then an interesting thing happened. She was invited to spend a weekend with a friend and she saw what happens when families get along and support one another. The family held a family meeting to decide about some upcoming projects and chores. When putting activities on the calendar, she was amazed to see her friend volunteer to attend the ball game with her little brother so the parents could make another commitment. They laughed and joked with good natured ribbing as opposed to sarcastic mean spirited teasing. The family ended the family meeting with ice cream sundaes and she saw the kids pitch in without being asked and that they served the parents before getting their own bowl.

It was an eye-opener for this young lady to see that it is possible to work together in a win-win atmosphere. She honestly had not even realized it was possible to live in harmony as opposed to chaos and anger.

When she got home from that stay, she called a family meeting and everyone came fearing that she was going to say she was moving out if she didn’t get her way. Instead, she told them about what she had witnessed and asked for a commitment for all of them to start over and become a cooperative, supportive and loving family where everyone was treated with respect.

She went on to tell me that it had not been easy to change old habits, especially with her. But, as a family they had set a goal and a commitment and had worked on their relationships and communication skills daily. As a young adult, she said that because of that commitment, she had gone into counseling to assist other young people who were filled with anger. She wanted to share the valuable lessons that she had learned.

Oh yes, she counts her step-mother as one of her best friends now.

In our living room is a beautiful potted plant. It contains a number of small individual stems and branches that, as separate entities, are fragile and unsteady. Each stem could probably make it if it were broken off and stuck in a glass of water, but it might not. However, grouped together, they gain strength and protection from one another. Their roots are intertwined and form a foundation that allows them to successfully withstand being knocked over and occasionally neglected.

Families are like that plant. We are all in this together, and we need to know there are others who will hold us up when we need it and support us as we grow stronger. The word for the strength of a unit is synergy. It means that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

It is that common goal of cooperation and support that builds success in our children and our families. Please don’t give up. Try one more time to provide the loving and respectful environment that each member of the family deserves.

Good luck and God bless. You do the most important work in the world.

This article has been written by Judy H. Wright, a parent educator and PBS consultant. You will find a full listing of books, tele-classes, and workshops listed at www.ArtichokePress.com.

Source

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2009-03-08T20:44:00.000-07:00

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The Blended Family – Hopes, Fears, and Tasks

2008-07-23T18:49:00.000-07:00

Hope springs eternal, and there’s nowhere that’s more true than a couple taking the leap of faith into a second marriage. To all those who dare to hope that their second marriage (or third, or fourth) will be better than the last, I say congratulations and good luck! It takes a lot of courage to open your heart to try again! But also, take heed: you’ll have a much better chance of success if you follow some very important guidelines, particularly if either of you have children.

Let’s face it: relationships can be a challenge. Any long term relationship between two people moves through a set of predictable and important stages, each stage bringing something rich and healing to the partners, and each stage filled with snags and potholes along the way, any one of which can capsize a relationship. In a first marriage, these developmental stages usually start out in the open – that is, without the complications of children. For instance, most couples usually go through an initial period of intense closeness and bonding, when friends complain that they don’t see you any more, and nothing seems more important or exciting than spending time with your new beloved. This is a wonderful and exciting time, and actually serves to build a strong foundation for a long term relationship. We in the field of couples counseling hope to see that a couple has been able to spend as much as two or three years in this honeymoon period. It’s kind of like putting down a very big deposit on a new home: you are investing a lot of equity in the relationship, so that when things get tough – and they will get tough – you both have a rich and full memory bank of good times, being in love, and knowing that the relationship is important to you both, to draw from. These rich memories give us the fortitude and determination to put effort into the relationship when it’s most needed.

Couples who already have children from a former relationship before they meet each other don’t have the luxury of years of time where it is “just us.” They hit the ground running, and moving in together, a challenging time for many couples, can feel like they’ve just been hired to run a company when they feel like they’re still in high school.
The Pitfalls – And What to Do About Them

Unrealistic Expectations: Parents Hope, Children Fear

If you have been in a marriage (throughout this article, the reference to marriage will always include any form of long-term committed relationship, particularly if you have lived together, including same-sex marriages) that ended, whether by divorce or the death of a spouse, you probably know how hard it is to overcome the dread of thinking you could go through it again. Most people I counsel who are going through a divorce say they can’t even imagine dating, and have terrible fears about daring to trust and become vulnerable to another person again.

But, time does heal, and remarriages are evidence of the hope that marks us as human beings. A funny thing happens when we fall in love: we lose some of our take on reality. Not only are we starry-eyed for our new love, we are starry-eyed about a future with our new love. Don’t feel bad – this is normal. But it sure helps to know what the expectations are, so we don’t feel so horrible – like we’ve failed yet again – when things don’t pan out the way we expect them to.

Great Expectations, Just Not Realistic

Here are just some of the expectations we as parents unwittingly bring to a second marriage:

- love will conquer all
- your children will love your new spouse, or even like them, instantly
- your partner’s children will appreciate all the things you do for them as a step-parent, and your partner will appreciate all your help in raising them
- that this marriage will be much better than the last one that failed
- for a better life
- that everyone will get along
- that your new spouse will make parenting easier – some even expect the new spouse to be the new nanny – the “Mary Poppins Myth”
- that the new marriage will automatically create the structure of the nuclear family, that you will be in a “real family” after all
- that your partner’s ex, and the ex’s family, will just go away. “I will have my new husband/wife all to myself.”
- that you as new spouse / step-parent will have an equal vote in the matters of the family

Of these expectations, I find the most common mistake that new step-parents make is in expecting these “new” kids to automatically love them. For the most part, it just doesn’t happen that way. The greatest gift you can give to your new blended family is to give the children plenty of time – even a year or two – to figure out that you’re safe, worthwhile, and then, maybe even likeable. But of course, that will only happen if it’s true.

Children Have Hopes Too, But Also Have More Fears

Children in blended families have expectations too, although they tend to be more realistic about not being in love with your new partner as much or as quickly as you are. But they have a lot to adjust to, much more than most parents realize.

- children hope to be happier in a stable family, in both emotional and tangible ways: more fun at family celebrations than when mom or dad was single. Less stress for mom or dad because they have found someone to share their difficulties with. And they hope to benefit from there being more money, more presents on their birthdays and holidays, maybe bigger TV’s in the living room. Kids are kids.

- they assume their biological parent will be just as doting on them as they were when they were single, but fear they will lose their parent to the new spouse

- they fear they will lose attention from mom or dad, who now has to tend to step-siblings and a more complicated family life. These fears come from the “Wicked Step-Mother Myth.” No one sees themselves as the wicked stepmother, but most of us see ourselves as Cinderella.

- they fear the new step-parent will disapprove of them simply for existing, and be a harsh disciplinarian. Even if the step-parent is not, the child may perceive him or her to be overly harsh, overly disapproving, since there isn’t as much of a counterpoint in the deep abiding love that comes with being a biological parent.

- they fear having to share their new lives with the unknown step-siblings: have to share a room, time with mom, mom’s loyalties, available money for college tuition or special trips, even inheritances.

- they fear losing contact with the non-custodial parent, especially if they allow themselves to get close to their new step-parent. They are very afraid of hurting the non-residential parent’s feelings. They may also fear having to live in two homes, and worry a lot about the parent they aren’t with when they are gone.

- children fear getting close to their new step-parent only to find that mom or dad will break up with them, too, initiating yet another devastating loss and feelings of abandonment. Kids desperately need to know they can attach to a parental figure and be safe from abandonment or neglect. Under their wariness of the new step-parent, there is often a longing to trust.

- children often hold on to the hope and even expectation that Mom and Dad will someday reunite. This is true even after one or both parents have remarried – young children can imagine that all of you – Mom, Dad, and Step-Parent, will live in one house happily ever after. Even older children, and even adult children, often long for the reunification of their biological parents.

Dealing With Expectations, Hopes and Fears – the Best Prevention

There’s no question hope is a good thing. It’s what keeps us going and motivates us to create better lives. The only trouble is when our hopes are misguided, unrealistic, and unexpressed. Too often they turn into expectations and just set us up for disappointment. After one failed marriage, disappointment too often makes a person feel they not only failed again, but that they are a failure. But such a tragic loss can be prevented by knowing what to expect.

It’s always smart to sit down with your partner and discuss as many of your expectations and assumptions as possible about family life (feel free to borrow from the list above.) It’s also a good question to ask of yourself and each other when problems do arise: what are the expectations I’ve brought to the situation? Often we expect too much, or we expect our partner to know what our own expectations are, to read our minds. They don’t, and they can’t. Even if they do know our hopes, even our assumptions, that doesn’t mean they can fulfill them, or that it’s even their job to make us happy. Keep in mind that building a strong and happy blended family is a very difficult task at best, and perhaps try to put your hopes on an extended time line. Know that each of these developments might be possible, but they will most undoubtedly take longer than you’d like. That they don’t just happen, but need our skills and patience to bring them about.

It’s also important to spend time alone with your biological children, and help them talk about their hopes and fears. If you can’t get yourself out of the way (i.e. you hope so desperately that they will love your spouse that you can’t stand it that they don’t yet like her or him) then support your child in having someone else to talk with – a counselor or another adult that they trust. It’s best if they can talk with you and tell you their fears, but remember they might be as afraid of telling you as they are of losing you. Children often resolve their issues easily once they know someone is listening, and this can prevent a lot of difficult behavior along the way.

Resentment and Jealousy – The Insider / Outsider Syndrome

No one wants to believe they enter into a new marriage only to feel excluded once the children become a part of the relationship. Yet this is one of the most predictable stages that occurs in blended families. The task of the new couple is to learn to create a sense of togetherness – to build on activities that bring teamwork and a sense of accomplishment for the team, for the two adults. While you have a ready-made set of challenges by virtue of the very existence of the children one or both of you brought to the marriage, this is a very difficult challenge to meet, especially as the first challenge in the marriage, because you have the task not just for you as a couple but for you as an extended family. When it doesn’t happen, instead of feeling like a happy, well-unified family, almost everyone feels like an outsider.

The step-parent feels like an outsider because they are just joining a team (biological parent and her or his kids) that has been going strong for years. There are hundreds of “inside jokes,” secret non-verbal communication that has developed naturally between parent and child, between siblings, and lots of subtle references made about people who are known only to the biological family. The step-parent is also not yet seen as an authority figure, a true parental disciplinarian, and is often undermined by the biological parent. This makes the step-parent feel like there is no place for them, and they often retreat with the attitude of Why bother?

The child or children often feel like outsiders of the new love affair between the biological parent and the new step-parent. If a child has become the subject of shared custody with both biological parents, and spend roughly equal time with both biological parents, they often don’t have a primary home. After a week at Dad’s, coming back to Mom and Step-Dad can make the child feel like he or she is “just visiting.” There’s a certain hidden luxury for couples whose children spend time with the divorced parent in that they get regular time off from parenting, and can enjoy a semblance of “married without children” time together. They can get close again, and recharge their batteries. But when the children come back, it can feel like they are intruding on the romantic time of the new couple. There are changes in the household they haven’t been a part of, even if it’s as simple as a housecleaning. And while the parents are adjusting to the children being back, sensitive kids will pick up that they have just interrupted something, as if you are smoothing out your clothes from an intimate moment.

If both partners have children and one set of kids lives with another parent and “visits” the other parent who is now in a new marriage, the “visiting children” feel like outsiders to the new nuclear family. As a child I visited my Dad in Germany, where he lived for 19 years with his second wife and two children from their marriage. I hardly knew my dad, let alone his second wife and my half-brother and half-sister. While they were very welcoming and loving, and accepted me readily into their “tribe,” there was no question who the new person was. I felt like a stranger in my dad’s home. After my mother remarried, her second husband’s two children, who lived with their mother, would visit occasionally, until they were old enough to choose on their own not to come anymore. They felt so unwelcomed by my mother, and even their father (my step-father) that it was painful to be with us. My step-brother told me much later that he thought we – my mother and sisters, were his father’s “real family,” while he and his sister, my step-father’s “real kids,” were the result of a big mistake. I had had exactly the same feeling about my relationship with my father and his second family. Another example is when a step-parent has bonded so well with his new family that the new set of children, whether stepchildren or biological children with the new spouse, trump the children from the former marriage. This plays out at important family functions, where the biological children play no part – even at the parent’s funeral.

The only one who doesn’t feel like the outsider in this family structure is the biological parent. Far from having the “easy role,” they must play the mediator, and often feel terribly torn between children and spouse. Most of the responsibility of making the new family structure work seems to fall on their shoulders. Often it’s easier for the biological parent to maintain the single-parent role with their kids; as if the parent just happens to have a live-in boyfriend / girlfriend, even once they are married. The continuing challenge of keeping each side of the equation – kids and spouse – happy is like walking a tightrope. Some will come to the task, exhausting as it is, and keep trying to cultivate a relationship between spouse and children. Some will give up when it seems like the two sides will never meet. Some biological parents, often the father, will actually pull away from one side or the other – his kids or his wife – because trying to integrate them is too hard. This is sad because it can lead to defeat of the marriage, and no one wins.

The tug of war is even more compounded when one or both ex-spouses are co-parenting their children. That ex-spouse usually comes with his or her family, with whom the biological parent must at least cooperate for the sake of the children. If both partners of the new marriage have children and an ex-spouse who co-parents, this new marriage must balance relationships and in-laws in multiple directions!

From Lonely Outsider to “Doh-Si-Doh”: Finding the Rhythm of the Dance

There’s no way that everybody will feel central to the family all the time. The task is to make it normal for everyone to be in a dance with each other, and to make the dance fun. Another essential task of a marriage is for the couple to become comfortable with each other’s separateness, or individuation – following the call of their own life development. This can be a stumbling block for many couples who resist the shift away from an early symbiotic closeness where everything they do is together. However, making this shift is essential for a successful marriage. It will also help tremendously in countering insecurities when jealousies between children and spouses arise. In essence, it’s about finding the balance where everyone needs the biological parent – the hub of the family – just a little bit less, and hopefully begin to interact with each other – step-parent and step-children, step-siblings with each other – more and more.

Step-parents can be creative about ways to connect with their new spouse’s kids. It’s a good idea for parents to discuss how the step-parent can be more involved, from attending parent/teacher conferences at school to teaching a child a skill the step-parent can do, attending basketball games together, or just taking the time to listen to the child’s telling of their day. I’ve found that when kids don’t open up right away, sometimes just hanging out in the same room, without the TV on, gives rise to conversation. And conversation gives rise to, well, finding out things about your kids. By the way, the challenge of spending non-TV time together with kids is not limited to blended families – everybody struggles with this. The first thing to do is turn off the TV, then look around for a fun way to get out of the house – together.

Balance of Power, Not Power Struggle

Not only is there a challenge in balancing alliances and keeping everyone happy. There’s often a tug of war for power.

Often in a divorce suit one parent is hoping to have more control over their children’s lives than the other parent. However, more and more often, both parents share joint custody, which means both parents have to communicate in decision-making for their kids. This is troublesome enough, but it can also lead to confusion for the new step-parent: just how involved should the new step-parent be?

A new step-parent has a difficult role to fill: is he or she a parent, a friend, a baby-sitter, or a mere adult who happens to share living space? The unfortunate side-effect to not knowing the answer to this question is that the child or children often end up with too much power. Instead of the parents acting as a team, children learn they can pit one parent against the other. They do this in biological nuclear families, but they do it even more in blended families. Children can manipulate their biological parent to feel guilty (it’s an easy place to go – parents usually feel guilty already for a divorce) for not giving them what they want. A biological parent feels uneasy about the new step-parent’s style of giving discipline, so they step in to “save” the child. The new step-parent loses their power, and the child learns he or she can get away with just about anything.

Sometimes a new step-parent will feel they have to make up for a deficit in a former spouse’s shortcomings as a parent, and “straighten the kids up.” This usually meets with defeat, and resentment on all ends. Maybe the “corrective” parenting style of a step-parent can be effective in time, but only after an initial relationship-building period has occurred, establishing a strong sense of respect and acceptance on both sides. This can and usually does take years. Until then, the step-parent is best situated to remain a firm and friendly authority figure who supports the biological parent’s role.

It is important that neither the biological parent nor the step-parent give up their role as the responsible adult in the house. In time the children will find comfort rather than resentment in the structure that you uphold. Keep in mind an interesting piece of research about children and their need for boundaries: Researchers observed children playing in a back yard. In the first case the yard was open to the neighborhood, no fence or closure. The children played together huddled close to each other and close to the house. In the next case the children played in the same size yard, this time with a secure fence around it. The children enjoyed the full length of the yard, now confident they were safe with a known boundary in place. Lesson: children need structure, boundaries, and the firm and aware presence of a competent adult in their midst. While they might outwardly bristle at parental discipline, underneath they feel relieved. They are not adults, and no matter what they might say, they really do know they want and need the adults to be in charge.

Trouble Signs – What to Watch Out For

Every family has its ups and downs, and some families have extra challenges with “high-need” children, or even “high-need” parents. A certain amount of strife is to be expected, and should not cause alarm.

However, some things are sure signs a relationship is in trouble. Here is a list that has been cultivated by many couples therapy specialists with decades of experience. Take a look, and if any of these signs has been occurring for more than a few weeks, it’s time to get some help. Remember, we didn’t come into this world knowing how to build rockets without lots of training. Why should we expect that managing the foibles of a blended family should be an easier?

1. The couple has stopped talking with each other about family issues, and even avoid each other’s company. When they do talk, it is laced with sarcasm, a deadly form of indirect anger. This is a big red flag, because it represents a breakdown in willingness to work as a team, and suggests hopelessness has set in. Many people find dealing with conflict to be difficult, which it is, until we’ve learned some effective conflict-resolution skills. Take heart: these skills work, and many therapists can help you learn them with your spouse. It’s actually easier than you think, and tremendously rewarding to actually resolve problems.

2. The household has become a democracy, in that the children are too involved in making decisions. It’s the parents’ role to make the decisions for the children, who feel burdened by too much responsibility. It has been a trend in the last generation or two to give children more of a voice in family matters, in reaction to a much more repressive parenting style in the ‘40’s and ‘50’s. I think this is a good change – kids deserve to be listened to, and probably need to be heard even more. But being listened to is a separate process from kids making decisions, which must remain firmly in the hands of the adults. When adults have given too much responsibility to their children, it suggests the parents have trouble being adults themselves.

3. Some parents get into a competition about their kids, and which kids will benefit from the family resources. It becomes “my kids vs. your kids.” Once parents become polarized like this, nobody wins and everyone feels uneasy. Again, parents will benefit by talking it out with each other and developing a policy that everyone knows and agrees to. This often shows up more in older families, where couples have adult children who are expecting family benefits, like college tuition, wedding expenses, help with a down payment on a house, or even inheritances. Often, couples have a hard time getting past their fears of talking openly about what they feel comfortable with. It’s better, however, to talk it through than to wait to see how it plays out.

4. Parents are not using relationship skills to problem-solve family issues. Instead, one or the other parent unilaterally takes over parenting, disregarding the other parent’s contribution. Many step-parents have not been parents before the marriage, and don’t feel confident in their skills. The easiest thing is for the biological parent to assume full control. This might be appropriate in the beginning, but over time it is important to bring in the parental role of the step-parent, and when there are situations that he or she doesn’t know how to handle, that’s the time to ask for help from the biological parent. It’s okay to be a learner. There’s no one way to be the perfect parent, or there wouldn’t be radical parenting style shifts from one generation to the next. We are all experimenting. The biological parent has been practicing since their children’s birth. Many step-parents will enroll in a parenting class, such as Love and Logic, and many others. And all of us will regress to our own parents’ style (no matter how much we hated it growing up) when we are stressed. It takes a lot to be a good parent, so don’t beat yourself up, but do use resources.

5. The step-parent resents the biological parent’s kids coming to visit. This usually comes up after the routine has settled in and the step-parent finds that the biological children are not as accepting of the new spouse as they had hoped, or the kids are trouble-makers. “They just won’t warm up to me,” I often hear. This always suggests there is an underlying problem, where someone, often the children and the spouse, feel like outsiders. There is usually some difficult history here that needs to be dealt with – the “visiting” children didn’t get properly taken care of during a nasty divorce, or they resent their parent for moving on from the original family, or perhaps the step-parent is stuck in their expectation that their new life wouldn’t be “intruded upon” by the “leftovers” of a former marriage. These are tough images, but they do come up for people. When they do, it’s a strong indicator they would benefit from therapy. Most all of us come from imperfect families, and drag along our childhood wounds to our adult lives. There’s no shame in that, but hopefully we’ll be able to work on these issues without hurting the people we love. Therapy is a good way to do that.

6. The new step-parent feels like the new nanny. This is what I call the “Mary Poppins Myth,” that some people hope their new partner will fill the role of parent while the biological parent continues their life at work or is otherwise removed from the daily tasks of family life. Some couples agree to this arrangement, but forget to take into account that the children will be less eager to accept the new full time parent. Some partners don’t even realize they’ve put such a burden on their new spouse, but think of it as fulfilling a family tradition: “this is just how it’s done.” Whether it’s your tradition or not, you are still in a marriage that will require much more compromise and, in our culture, more equal footing. Otherwise, it is a setup for resentment to set in.

7. The children have stopped talking to the step-parent. In the first year or two, children are likely to be more ambivalent about getting close to the step-parent. But if they have moved closer and then have pulled back, there’s trouble. It’s important to investigate it sooner than later. Kids are generally less able to talk about problems than adults are, and can be even more reluctant to say something negative about a step-parent. Yet, if they feel hurt by a step-parent, and find that their biological parent is “siding with” the step-parent, the child feels more and more excluded, unimportant, and unwanted. Who wouldn’t feel angry? When this situation is allowed to ferment, long-term estrangement can develop, and that can take years to resolve. I have seen this over and over again, and the sad thing about it is that it usually starts with something very simple and mundane. The problem is that the small issues start to translate as a larger pattern or attitude – a chronic dynamic that everyone comes to expect. Again, this can happen in original (non-divorced) families as easily as in blended families, but it can be so destructive that it bears discussing here. When it gets to the point that no one can talk about it without a big blow-up, you do have another choice other than giving up: see a couples counselor. It’s better to start with couples counseling first because very often the underlying problems reside with the couple. If necessary, a session or two can include a child, to help everyone share their story and be heard. It’s always amazing to me how much is discovered by partners when they talk about things in therapy. Even after living together for years, there’s so much they don’t know about each other, often because they don’t know what questions to ask, and they often have a hard time hearing the answers. Couples therapists are skilled at helping everyone truly be heard. Once you know how the other person feels underneath the surface issue, much more resolution is possible.

Overwhelming Doesn’t Mean Impossible – Therapy Can Help!

If taking on a blended family seems overwhelming, take heart: it is. But it can also bring tremendous joy when those hard won moments finally happen, and your spouse’s child voluntarily offers a kind word, or even a small hand. When your step-daughter asks you to walk her down the aisle. When your stepson surprises you years later with a simple thank you for being a part of his life.

So many options and directions for growth open up when a couple comes to therapy. Some people think therapy is “just for nuts,” that needing therapy is a clear sign of weakness or that if you need it, something is wrong with you. That might have been true decades ago, but both therapy and the people who use it have changed a lot in the last several years. Most of the people I see are very ordinary people who are needing a little guidance in an area of their lives, or they might feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the life task set before them. Couples work is usually short term, and can help a family shift quickly to a much more satisfying way of life. Unfortunately, too many couples wait until they are on the brink of divorce before getting help, and by then it is usually too late. Some therapists advocate treating marriage like we take care of our cars: we bring them in for tune-ups. I personally have found NOTHING more challenging than being in a marriage and raising a child, and believe the help gained through therapy is the best resource there is.

Above all, when a blended family succeeds, it gives everyone the experience that marriage can work, family can be a good thing, and that we are lucky to come from family who loves us. I am hearing this more and more in my practice as grown children from blended families are able to look back with appreciation for their parents’ struggles and accomplishments. I’m also seeing more adult children whose parents, disengaged from them at some point because of divorce, have reunited and have learned to become friends. So often, these healed relationships begin with one simple gesture: reaching out.
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Author: Beth Strong, Ma, Lpc

AMERICAN BLENDED FAMILY ASSOCIATION

2008-06-12T16:36:00.000-07:00

ABFA is the Association founded to improve the lives of Blended Families. Our mission is to be the "go to" organization to serve, support and enhance the quality of life for the fastest growing American demographic called...the Blended Family. We are 100+ million strong and must be heard across this land, and especially in every state.

To created change that serves our family demographic, it will take Americans like you to JOIN TODAY.

Approximately 2,100 new blended families are formed every day in America. More than 20+ million Blended Family households exist today and that number grows daily. Research shows that by the year 2010 the 'blended family' will be the most common form of family unit in our nation. By 2010, 130+ million people either will be in or have been in a blended family of some form. (through re-marriage, adoption, foster home, etc)

So that you never feel alone in your Blended Family (step-family) journey the ABFA helps families, parents, grandparents, children and professionals have an organization that can speak as one voice and as an advocate. Your partnership in ABFA finally gives you a strong voice in issues and affairs of our nation. We create and are part of a demographic that holds political, legislative, and purchase power clout.

ABFA will represents you. Moving forward We will generally refer to the American Blended Family
Association as "ABFA" in publications and in all resources. We are the united force that will take "Action" and work with states in an "Alliance". The associations will be very 'action oriented' and play a leadership role via advocacy, lobbying, public relations, political races and local judicial activities across the nation, as we enact positive changes.

With nationally recognized leaders in various areas of counseling and legal assistance, we also can link families to professional and educational opportunities in their local areas. Over the course of the next few months we will start, develop and fund state agencies in individual states in the union, in order to work for legislative representation in legal system and taxation issues.

ABFA is a not-for-profit membership organization of blended families / step-families dedicated to addressing their needs and interests of 100+ million Americans. It is funded by the members to serve the members. ABFA works hard to enable families to have the opportunities, educational, legal and professional resources available in their lives in order to benefit themselves, their families and society.

Click here to learn about the BENEFITS of various levels of MEMBERSHIP.

Step & Blended Family Vacations

2008-05-30T22:42:00.000-07:00

FamilyTravelForum shares some resources and advice for step and blended families thinking about traveling together.

At this time of year, when travel planning is in full swing, parents in step or blended families may find themselves on opposite sides of the Vacation-with-Kids issue. Should we take all or some, cater to one age group or another, see your relatives, mine, or theirs?

For some adults, the first combined family vacation may even be to attend their own wedding, now that tropical getaways such as Jamaica's FDR Resort and St. John's Westin Resort offer special "Second Wedding" packages, complete with childcare so that "honeymooners" can find time alone.

You don't have to feel alone in confronting these issues. A Los Angeles Times story noted that the U.S. Census Bureau counted 5.2 million step families with children under 18, making 16% of American children part of a step family. And according to the Step Family Foundation, 64% of families today live in some form of divorced and/or stepfamily relationship. That's a lot of family travelers!

Here are some helpful tips to make planning fun time together go more smoothly.

1. Discuss Feelings.
Make sure each child is comfortable expressing his or her feelings. Plan a "sit-down" where every family member is encouraged to say what type of travel adventure appeals.

Be a good listener, particularly to kids who may be subconsciously concerned about spending time with new siblings in a new environment. Children may be jealous of eachother's possessions, insecure about adults' affections for new siblings, or simply annoyed at having to share with someone new (and uninvited).

2. Respect Individuals & Age Differences.
Experts agree that it can take two years for a step family to overcome the difficulties of change, and find cohesion. Just because toddlers and teens are blended into a new family unit doesn't mean they want to spend their vacation time together. Even new siblings of the same age may resent expectations that they become instant best friends.

At many family resorts, parents will find supervised activity programs for different age groups. While young ones are looked after by counselors, teens can make new friends their own age, and adults can strengthen their relationship by enjoying time together.

Also, children often enter their new family with a deep sadness for the family unit left behind. Allowing some vacation time for biological parents to be alone with each of their own children will make every child feel special, and an important part of your new family.

3. Involve the Kids.
Once you've made some decisions, ask each child for help in planning the trip. If there are aspects of your vacation which don't appeal to one family member, ask the others to become involved in solving the issue. Younger children may need reassurance they won't be left behind during strenuous activities such as hiking or camping; older children may be afraid of losing their independence to the new family unit.

Parents should be aware that discussing previous parenting styles and discipline can be tricky with a new spouse. Adults should work out issues of appropriate attire and manners on vacation, then share expectations and consequences of misbehavior with all children.

4. Review Your Plans.
Once a week or so prior to departure, invite everyone to review the trip itinerary, contribute news about the destination, or express a newly awakened interest. Use positive reinforcement to encourage everyone's participation. In this way, children will have a stake in making the trip a success.

5. Take Traditions With You.
Allowing time on your vacation to maintain some of your new family's new traditions (maybe it's Chinese Food Take-out, or a Watch TV Together night, or a fancy Sunday Brunch) will help children feel secure in a new environment. Use this opportunity to create new traditions recalling what fun you had together on your journey.

References and resources for blended families & stepparenting / stepfamilies

2008-05-30T02:24:00.000-07:00

National Stepfamily Resource Center - Clearinghouse of information, resources, and support for stepfamily members. Topics include counseling, finances, co-parenting, co-grandparenting, and more.

Stepfamily Foundation - Their mission is to assist you to make the family, as it is now, function well. They have created a successful management system for the stepfamily,the unacknowledged majority.

Kids Health - Living with Stepparents - Article on feelings children might have when a new family is blended together. (Nemours Foundation)

IDoTakeTwo – Tips for making a second marriage a smooth and healthy transition.

Way2hope -Help with the issues and problems unique to the blended family. Ways to reduce and manage these problems. You'll find frank discussion, definitions, explanations, resources and many related pages to help children and families.

Blended family resource center - Working with blended and step families, working with adolescents, Men's issues, Play Therapy (for children), Interactive Guided Imagery, Energy Psychology, and Gottman approaches for couples.

Stepcarefully- Offers advice, direction, and understanding for stepfamilies everywhere

Eight myths about blended families

2008-05-30T02:13:00.000-07:00

To a child who does not belong to one, the term stepfamily may suggest Cinderella's troubled family or the eerily perfect Brady Bunch. Actually, neither situation tells the whole story. In a stepfamily, or blended family, one or both partners have been married before. Each has lost a spouse through divorce or death, and one or both of them have children from their previous marriage. They fall in love and decide to remarry, and in turn, form a new, blended family that includes children from one or both of their first households.

Here are some common myths about blended families:

MYTH #1: Love occurs instantly between a stepchild and stepparent.

Although you love your new partner, you may not automatically love his children. Likewise, the children will automatically love you because you are a nice person. Establishing relationships does not happen magically overnight.

Even when you recognize the time involved, it is hurtful to want a relationship with someone who doesn’t want a relationship with you. When people hurt, they may become resentful and angry.

Stepfamily adjustment will be easier if you begin your relationships with your stepchildren with minimal, realistic expectations about how those relationships will develop. Then you will be pleased when respect and friendship blossom and less disappointed if it takes longer than you anticipated.

MYTH #2: Children of divorce and remarriage are damaged forever.

Children go though a painful period of adjustment after a divorce or remarriage. Adults often feel guilty about this, and want to “make it up” to their children. This makes it hard to respond appropriately to each child’s hurt and to set appropriate limits (an important part of parenting).

Research has demonstrated that in time, most children recover their emotional equilibrium, and will be no different in many important ways from kids in first-marriage families.

MYTH #3: Stepmothers and stepfathers are wicked.

Because many fairytales feature stepparents who are unkind or unfair, new stepparents may be confused about their roles. You may be a wonderful person who wants to do a good job, but the negative model of the stepparent can impact you in a very personal way, making you self-conscious about your new role.

MYTH #4: Adjustment to stepfamily life occurs quickly.

Couples are optimistic when they remarry. They want life to settle down and to get on with the business of being happy. However, it can take a long time for people in newly blended families to get to know each other, to create positive relationships, and to develop a family history.

MYTH #5: Children adjust to divorce and remarriage more easily if biological parents withdraw.

Children will adjust better if they have access to both biological parents. Sometimes visitation is painful for the nonresidential parent, but it is important for the child’s adjustment and emotional health – except, of course, in the rare instances of parental abuse or neglect.

It helps if all the parents involved - both biological and step - work toward a parenting partnership. Sometimes this can’t happen right away, but it can be something to work toward.

MYTH #6: Stepfamilies formed after a parent dies are easier.

People need time to grieve the loss of a loved one. A remarriage may reactivate unfinished grieving, which can have a detrimental effect on the new relationship.

A person who is deceased exists in memory, not in reality, and sometimes gets elevated to sainthood. When people remarry after the death of a spouse, they may want a relationship similar to their previous one. New partners may find themselves competing with a ghost.

MYTH #7: Part-time stepfamilies are easier.

When the stepchildren visit only occasionally, perhaps only every other weekend, there is not enough one-on-one time to work on stepchild/ stepparent relationships, and less opportunity for family activities and bonding. Since stepfamilies follow an adjustment process, the part-time stepfamily may take longer to move through the process.

MYTH #8: There is only one kind of family

A stepfamily doesn’t have to be – and probably won’t be – “just like” a biological family. Today, there are lots of kinds of families: first marriage, second marriage, single parent, foster, stepfamily. Each type is different; each is valuable.

Source: helpguide.org

Marriage With An Extended Family

2008-04-16T23:41:00.000-07:00

Having a marriage with children from a previous marriage can be an added stress to the marriage.

Having a marriage with an extended family can also include nieces and nephews, or any child that is not biologically both of yours.

Sociology of the family examines the changing roles of family members. Each member is restricted by the sex roles of the traditional family, these roles such as the father as the worker and the mother as the homemaker are declining.

The mother is becoming the supplementary provider and she retains the responsibilities of child rearing.

Therefore the females role in the labour force is compatible with the demands of the traditional family. This is something that can you can easily overcome with patience and time.

Everything about this situation can and will be sensitive, so watch how you introduce your children into this new type of lifestyle.

The safest way to go about this is by talking to the children individually. Sit them down and ask their opinions. Kids feel important when you ask for their opinion.

It lets them know that you are thinking of their emotions. This gives them a security that most kids miss out when going through a divorce with their parents.

You should never withhold information from you children concerning a new marriage within reason, of course. Let them know that you and your new spouse are also adjusting.

This will help your children to be understanding and empathetic. Try doing fun family activities and exercises together.

Start new family traditions together for the holidays. Do something that sets your family apart from your previous marriage. Make it fun and comfortable.

Share the responsibilities and never jeopardize your step Childs well being because your afraid that child will not like you. A lot of stepparents try and become a friend instead of a parent.

This can cause more harm than good. When you become your Childs friend and it comes down to punishing them they will be more hurt if their friend is punishing them rather than a parent.

Be straightforward right up front from the very beginning. If you follow the simple rules of being a good stepparent the rewards with be worth all of the time and energy you put into it.

They will grow to love you as another parent. This will cause less stress in your marriage and will inevitably make you both happier and healthy as an extended family.

Source: Free Articles

Happy Heart's Day!

2008-02-14T00:53:00.000-08:00

glitter-graphics.com

How Harmful is Parental Favouritism?

2008-01-29T19:05:00.000-08:00

Although is generally considered appropriate practice for parents to use different techniques to raise different children, problems can arise when a parent exhibits obvious preferences towards one child or another. How harmful is parental favouritism and what psychological affects can it have when one child perceives that he or she is being treated unfairly in comparison to a sibling?

Sibling Rivalry

How often have you heard a child complain, “But that’s not fair! He always gets his own way”? Although sibling rivalry is common, how is a child’s mental well-being and your relationship affected when your spouse so very obviously favours one child over another?

Some parents may show favouritism subconsciously by taking sides depending on the gender or age of the child. Do the seemingly harmless expressions, “You’re older, you ought to know better” or “I always wanted a son” sound familiar?

Favouritism not only occurs in the stepfamily situation where a parent favours a biological child over a stepchild, but also occurs in first families when a child can be given preferential treatment based purely on gender.

Long-Term Psychological Effects

Interior Designer and editor of Parent’s Voice, Nadine Higgins, said, “I remember as a child all too well the painful distinctions my mother made between we girls and her beloved boys and it's an experience that you don't leave behind very easily. The ghost of her nagging disapproval, slaps, put downs and unfair house rules still live within me as an adult.”

Parental favouritism not only affects the children, but also causes conflict within the parents’ relationship. Relationship Counsellor Paula Hall Dip PST says, “Certainly, parental favouritism in second families is a common reason why families seek counselling, but it is important to establish whether the perceived favouritism is a reflection on your own childhood, or reality. Some people who were disfavoured as children go to extreme lengths not to favour any of their own children, so may feel that their partner is giving preferential treatment to a child when they are just treating them differently according to their individual personalities and interests.”

PR Consultant, Sarah, has sadly experienced the marital discord that parental favouritism causes. “My husband Graeme’s favouritism of our natural child over my son from a previous relationship led to a rift that deepened over the years. My son felt increasingly rejected, so he hated his sister. My son is 16 and is now able to tell me that, as an 8-year-old, he felt he had to compete for my husband’s affection. My husband has recently left and the favouritism was one of the major factors that divided the family.”

Dr Caron Goode, Inspirational Speaker and Author of Help Kids Cope with Stress & Trauma says, “Favoured children tend to have better self esteem, yet can also be spoiled and manipulative. These children may think the world owes them a living. On the other hand, with healthy self-esteem, they could tend to be high achievers and do well. Disfavoured children tend to have lower self-esteem, which can either make them try harder or give up too easily. Trying to please is one of the characteristics that might make them either compliant or rebellious. It can go either way, depending upon the temperament of the child.”

Paula Hall concludes, “If favouritism is an issue in your relationship, you need to try to sit down with your partner and discuss what impact this is having on you, rather than using the time to arbitrate for your child. If this fails, then I would advise seeking counselling.”

By: Jan Andersen Source: Amazines.com

Can Families Really be Blended?

2007-11-04T20:05:00.000-08:00

In a day and age of fifty percent divorce rates, affecting those in the church as much as society in general, more and more families are struggling with issues of his, hers and ours—children, that is.

Unfortunately, while more and more people are facing issues with “blending families,” few are actually prepared for the rigors and trials of step-parenting. In fact, this is perhaps the greatest issue facing blended families: a lack of preparation, training and understanding of the issues they will be facing.

Consider the situation. A man, previously married, has developed his own parenting style with his children, and the children are familiar with what to expect from their father and are loyal to him.

Meanwhile, a woman, previously married, has developed her parenting style with her children, and they know what to expect from her and are loyal to her.

The man and woman fall in love and plan a life together, but forget that their children will join them in their new union. Often not thrilled about this prospect, children bring hidden loyalties, hurts and challenges with them.

Believing love should be enough to hold their family together, many stepparents forget to prepare for the challenges of raising each other’s children. Caught in the delight of a loving relationship, couples assume that blending a family should come naturally, and quickly. Failing to understand and manage stepfamily difficulties can lead not only to significant frustration, but in extreme cases can threaten the integrity of the marriage as well. Consider this woman’s story:

Hi. I need to talk to my husband about parenting. We are a blended family and have problems with rules with the children. We have argued many times over this issue. He thinks that I don't discipline my children like I should and I think the same about him with his. I almost feel as if he hates my children, and his daughter gets us fighting all the time. What can I do to get a common ground, and have a more peaceful household?

While there are no easy answers, there are several issues to discuss with your husband.

First, you are on the right track to talk to your husband about your feelings and perception of the problem. Nothing gets solved by keeping your feelings to yourself. Create a environment where you will always share your heart safely with one another.

Second, stop arguing. While this advice may sound simplistic, agree to share perceptions in a way that won’t blame or attack your mate. A perception is just that—a unique point of view. You should not expect that you will see things exactly the same way.

Third, be careful with criticism about each other’s parenting styles. While it is important that you agree on a consistent style of parenting, remember that you’re different people who have come together with different styles. It will take time to meld your different styles together, and in some cases, may never agree completely. That’s why we call the process, blending.

Fourth, be careful about allowing the children to be caught in the middle, or to put you in the middle. It is important that you spend time away from the children, reinforcing your relationship, so that you can be unified for the children. They must not be allowed to manipulate you, as children are inclined to do. It is not only destructive to them to have such power, but destructive to the integrity of your marriage and family.

Fifth, discuss rules and consequences as a couple, developing a style of discipline that you both agree to—a common ground. Be careful to allow the other parent to have input into how your children are disciplined, even if the biological parent assumes primary responsibility. While it never works to be overly critical of the other’s parenting/ discipline, your mate’s observations can be very helpful in pointing out blind spots.

Sixth, while it may take time for the stepchildren to love the stepparent, (and sometimes this never occurs) you must insist that the children always show respect for the stepparent. Showing respect for parents is a basic requirement for all children, and will help develop consistency and stability in your family. Children should never be allowed to put their parents down, attack them or abuse them in any way.

Finally, go slowly, and allow time for a positive relationship to develop being children and stepparents. Love cannot be forced, but more often than not, over time, with the right conditions, very positive feelings usually develop being stepparents and stepchildren. Remember, also, that if positive feelings fail to develop, and tension heightens, you should seek professional help. This is not a sign of failure, but rather of strength and wisdom.

SOURCE:
Dr. David Hawkins
The Relationship Doctor
CBN.com

Dealing with Preteen's Growing Anger

2007-08-15T20:36:00.000-07:00

Q: I am the step-mom of an 11 yr. old boy whom will be turning 12 in 2 months, I have been raising him since he was 2 yrs old, and have seen to all the duties of teaching him to speak, potty training and all the other stuff that goes along with child raising. My husband and I went to court for custody of the little boy and won. The mother of the little boy has always made promises to him and never kept them; birthdays, Christmas, the whole lot.

When we brought my husband's son to live with us he was living with his grandparents because the mother was 16 and unable to care for the child and provide a stable home for him. Many years have come and gone and for the last 2 years my step-son has heard nothing from his mother Our phone number and address have been the same for the last 7 years.

My problem is this: For the last year my step-son has been showing very difficult behavior in school, getting kicked out, and now recently he has started not doing his chores, which are keeping his room clean and helping bring in wood for the fire place.

He has also started going into our bedroom and going through our drawers and lying about it and breaking Christmas lights all over our yard and lying about that also. Things in this house have gone missing and when we catch him doing these things he states "I was not. You're lying, that's not what I was doing." We have tried everything with him, grounding him, talking to him, we had even set up a punishment jar which his counselor had suggested we work out together and that didn't work. Now our son has been leaving school and going directly to his friends and not saying a thing to his father or me, and when we ask him why he says "I just wanted to." This has been going on for 2 weeks and his father is out of town working and I am left to try and straighten this out and I don't even know where to begin??????

Any advice you can give would be a great help.

A: Your stepson does have reason to be angry and adolescent hormones and changes may be bringing past emotional pain of all kinds to the surface for resolution. Still, he has learned patterns of lying to get around situations and is challenging the authority figures in his life to a self-defeating battle. He did not learn these coping patterns in a void.

It is possible that your stepson "got away" with breaking rules from an early age. Feelings of guilt or sadness for his plight with his mother may have encouraged his father and yourself to compensate by allowing him to "get around things" instead of working through problems. It is also possible that his behavior reflects the patterns of his mother, who clearly ran away from her own parental responsibilities. Somehow, he learned that it was possible to use "lying" as a means of dealing with conflicts. Either way, it is not too late to reinforce which patterns work in the world and which do not.

The emotional meaning of his "battle with authority" and other outrageous behavior is no doubt a cry for help. It is likely that his externalized conflict reflects his anger at his mother who is nowhere around to receive it. Repressed rage often surfaces for healing during adolescence. Attacking the Christmas lights may indeed be a sign of retaliation against an absent maternal force. And it is true that it is most difficult to express and resolve anger at someone who is not there. Still, it is possible to help him tame this dragon instead of be consumed by it!

The nature of his actions echo a young "out of control" part of him, very much akin to the two year old who was abandoned. It would be wise to secure the guidance and treatment of a child psychologist who specializes in teens. Perhaps with your support and professional guidance he will be able to confront his painful experience with his mother in a more direct and productive manner.

Though it is difficult, safe containment is possible with angry pre-teens. It will require teamwork and a dedication to believing in him. It will be necessary for you and his father to work together, and for his Dad to take the lead in setting clear rules, expectations and consequences for "breaking" rules.

Talk with your husband to establish clear rules and consequences. At the same time, his father should set up some activity time to share with his son, regardless of what else is going on. In other words, if your stepson is not allowed to go out with friends or watch TV for several days because he did not follow house rules, it should in no way interfere with his father-son activity.

Relating time should be kept sacred between father and son, as well as any family time that the two of you share together or as a family group. Sports activity, going to a movie and taking a walk afterwards should be times that allow for interaction between father and son. Even a weekend away could set the mood for sharing and relating about the past, the present and provides an opportunity to absorb your stepson's anger in the consistency of a loving and caring parental-child relationship. Do not let him "win" by pushing you away. Set limits. But show him that he is still cared for, not abandoned. Providing a safe container for the expression of his anger is the key to taming the angry two year old inside.

Increasing his father's involvement by no means implies that you as his stepmother should disappear! It does mean that if you have stepped forward to fill the "mother" role, it may be wise to take a step back and take a break from this position. It may be time to revisit the past by reaffirming the original father-son bond. Doing so may provide opportunity for your stepson to process unresolved feelings about his mother.

Still, you remain a parental team. It is important that the two of you decide on actions and that you are backed by your husband in all ways that revolve around the care and interactions with your stepson. Attending family and individual counseling sessions for working through feelings may prove helpful at this time. However, individual counseling for your stepson should in no way cause your husband to retreat from engaging his son in strengthening their relationship.

Filling the role of "Mom" may be particularly thankless during this period. Garner your husband's support and understanding through this trying time. Establish a safe plan for your stepson to confront his feelings about his mother in a more tangible manner. Working through his grief and abandonment is a natural part of his development. Support your stepson to confront his demons instead of run away from them!

Source: askdrgayle.com

Marriage and Parenting: How to Find Unity Parenting a Blended Family

2007-07-26T22:25:00.000-07:00

Do you know parents in blended families arugue over discipline issues? Both partners come into the marriage with their own parenting styles, and these styles can be very different. However, when the couple works together they can blend their individual styles to create the best way to correct the children. Read on to discover communication tips on how to find unity parenting step-children.

The following question is one of the most common that I get from parents of blended families.

Question:

My wife and I have been married for two years. She has a son by a previous marriage. We argue frequently about how to discipline him. I think she is way too lenient and she thinks I am too strict. How do we resolve this?

Answer:

This is a common scenario. One of the most important principles is to present a united front to the child. Any disagreements you have about disciplining the child should occur behind closed doors, not in front of the child.

Try to negotiate and find a common ground before the discipline is given. Remember your spouse is not the enemy; you are parenting partners. As a couple, you may want to read some books on discipline together. This may help you come to an agreement on how to handle discipline issues.

There may also be underlying issues contributing to your disagreements. For example, the lenient parent may be feeling guilty about his or her previous divorce.

On the other hand, the stricter parent may be insecure in establishing his or her authority. He or she may think that by being overly strict that they can gain better control over the children.

If you are continuing to fight over discipline issues, then consider seeking professional counseling.

by Jeff Barnet

Article Source: EzineArticles

Wedding Flowers for Blended Families

2007-07-12T22:45:00.000-07:00

Weddings for blended families present challenges unique to them. There are many things to consider when planning these weddings and couples have to know from the start that there will be added stress that wasn't present the first time they both got married. While your own extended family may have gotten smaller if you divorced, your children's extended families is about to double in size. This wedding is not just about you and your future husband. It's about your children too.

If your darling little ones will be acting as flower girls and ring bearers, you have to consider inviting at least part of your ex's family and perhaps even your ex-spouse. Grandparents usually don't want to miss out on this event in their grandchildren's life and they very well might want to be there. Of course, if there's still a lot of bitterness and fighting, then it is best to keep everyone at the proverbial arm's length!

Since it's obvious that there will be additional stress involved with this wedding, why not eliminate some of it by ordering a silk wedding flower package? This can be done from the convenience of your home or office and the selection is fantastic! You can order silk wedding flower sets that include the bridal bouquet, as well as the wedding bouquets that your bridesmaids will be carrying. Boutonnieres, corsages, flower girl baskets and ring bearer pillows are also part of the package, which can be customized to match your individual needs. By choosing to order silk wedding flowers, you eliminate the last minute panic as you wait for the florist to arrive with your flowers. There won't be any mix-ups that can't be corrected, no broken off blossoms and no pre-wedding anxiety over whether or not you'll actually like the flowers. Besides, this is a new beginning. If you carried a fresh bridal bouquet in your first wedding, then now is the time to carry silk! Besides, your fresh wedding bouquet died, right? Silk will "live" forever, just like this new marriage of yours!

If this second marriage does include children, a beautiful symbol of the blending of these families would be to add a birth month flower for each child to your bridal bouquet. For example, suppose you have two children, one born in May and the other in June. Your groom has three children, with birthdays in January, March and August. This blended family bouquet would include lily-of-the-valley, a rose, a carnation, a daffodil and a poppy. Now let's assume that the wedding is in November in Connecticut. Daffodils are out of season, as are lily-of-the-valley. Poppies don't hold up well in wedding bouquets no matter what. The solution would be to use silk wedding flowers and add them to the bouquet. If you use a silk flower for each of the months, then you could pull the appropriate flower out of your bridal bouquet and hand it to each of the children before you leave for your honeymoon. This would be a special way to recognize each member of your new family.

Author Resource:- Bonnie Goodwin Ray has more than sixteen years experience in the wedding industry. She is the author of Wedding Planning Made Easier and has become a leading expert in silk wedding bouquets design.

Blended Family Problems? 21 Ways Counseling Can Help

2007-07-03T20:02:00.000-07:00

As a psychologist and counselor practicing in the Woodstock-Cary-Algonquin-Crystal Lake and Lake in the Hills areas of Illinois, I find that there are 21 essentials you can expect when receiving counseling for problems in your blended family.

But first, what are the signs of blended family problems?

1. Conflicting parenting practices between biological and stepparents

2. Child rejects the stepparents disciplinary practices

3. Biological parent foments dislike for stepparent

4. Biological and stepparent compete for power and control

5. Conflict develops among the children in the blended family

6. Ex-spouse interferes with the blended familys lifestyle

7. Childs behavior problems become personalized by the adults, causing fracture within the family system

If this sounds like your family, you should seek counseling. But when you begin treatment, what will your counselor do? How does marriage and family counseling for blended families work?

1. Your therapist will help you to identify the positives and negatives of the stepparents disciplinary procedures..

2. You counselor will create a neutral zone so family members can express themselves without fear of retaliation.

3. Your therapist may train you in certain communication skills to build the relationship between relevant spouses.

4. The marriage or family counselor will likely facilitate a healthy dialogue among disgruntled children and any step or adoptive parent.

5. Your family or marital counselor will likely help the children explore any feelings of conflict or disloyalty regarding biological parents.

6. Your psychologist or counselor will probably facilitate a healthy release of any of the childrens fear of abandonment or displaced anger that may be inhibiting acceptance of their stepparents directives.

7. Parents will be helped to identify and resolve conflicts between themselves in parenting strategies.

8. The stepparents disciplinary strictness or rigidity will be assessed as to whether it may be creating resistance on the part of the child.

9. Your therapist may assess the degree to which an ex-spouse may be unfairly blamed for parenting problems existing within the blended family.

10. The counselor will help the parents identify and resolve any insecurity or jealousy regarding warmth displayed between a parent and stepchild.

11. Your psychologist may invite a former spouse or biological parent into a joint session with other biological or stepparents in order to discuss and resolve differences in parenting philosophies and techniques.

12. You may be asked to consider any potential manipulation of the child in playing one parent against the other for territorial or power advantages.

13. The children will likely be reassured that they are not responsible for their parents conflicts and that these conflicts do not reflect adversely on their parents love for them.

14. The children may be asked to express directly or through a letter the foundation of their feelings for being treated unfairly by a stepparent.

15. You may be encouraged to negotiate with the children as to actions that they may perceive as fairer to them.

16. Your therapist may suggest a list of special activities that the parent and stepchildren can do to reduce any feelings of alienation.

17. Parents may be encouraged to behave assertively toward children from whom they are afraid of receiving a negative response.

18. The therapist may help you to identify self-defeating patterns relevant to your parenting skills that may exist in your blended family and suggest ways of modifying them.

19. The therapist may prescribe psychological testing for some members of the family, children or parents, to expose any factors that may be neglected in isolating the causes of the family strife.

20. You will be helped to identify sources of ongoing support and reassurance to effectively improve and hone your parenting skills.

21. If you are engaging in any unusual parenting strategies, their methods and effects will be reviewed to be sure that they are contributing efficiently to the well-being of the family.

Author Resource:- Dr Shery is in Cary, IL, near Algonquin, Crystal Lake, Marengo and Lake-in-the-Hills. He's an expert marriage counselor and psychologist. Call 1 847 516 0899 and make an appt or learn more about counseling. Article From Articles On Tap

Stepmoms step up to the plate

2007-06-20T20:47:00.000-07:00

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Many women dream of becoming moms. Few dream of becoming stepmoms. On their good days, stepmothers think of themselves as bonus moms or mentor moms. On their bad days — and that often includes Mother's Day — they believe they are thought of by stepkids and ex-wives as something just above pond scum. Or not thought about much at all. Those who monitor the family say stepmoms need to be thought about. New research shows they do not often fare well with their stepchildren.

Yet many experts say stepmothers have a key role in making a blended family work. And they note that the blended family — whether the parents are married or just living together — is the family form of the future.

More than half of all Americans today have been, are now or will eventually be in one or more step situations, says the Stepfamily Association of America. About 30% of all kids are likely to spend time in some sort of "stepping" arrangement. And those kids are increasingly likely to be spending more time with a stepmom as courts begin favoring joint custody that increases the children's time with dad.

Many stepmoms are reaching out for help and finding innovative ways to succor others, particularly through Internet support groups. Most of those on the front lines do have battle scars. Kristin Lee Mead, 34, of Alexandria, Va., has stepmotherhood down quite well now. But at times being a stepmom has made Mead feel "lost inside my own head, with no idea how to make it work."

For a variety of reasons, not all stepchildren hold their stepmoms dear to their hearts. A growing body of disturbing research documents that the myth of the "evil stepmother" dies hard. Her new husband's children may simply never truly accept her, a woman they see as an interloper.

Among recent findings suggesting that stepmoms are often not cherished by stepchildren:

Only about 20% of adult stepkids feel close to their stepmoms, says the pioneering work of E. Mavis Hetherington involving 1,400 families of divorce, some studied almost 30 years. "The competition between non-custodial mothers and stepmothers was remarkably enduring," she writes in For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered.
Only about one-third of adult children think of stepmoms as parents, suggests Constance Ahrons' 20-year research project. Half regard their stepdads as parents. About 48% of those whose moms had remarried were happy with the new union. Only 29% of those whose dads had remarried liked the idea of a stepmom. Ahrons is a sociologist and senior researcher with the non-profit Council on Contemporary Families.

Stepmoms, Ahrons says, tend to get overly involved in their stepchildren's lives, whether the kids actually live with them or not. Stepdads often back off and stay out of the fray. Stepmoms need to approach the stepkids "very, very slowly. The women want so badly to be part of the family, and they tend to come on too strong too soon."

Huge numbers of stepfamilies are making it, melding successfully. But others fight jealousies, unrealistic expectations of instant love, the financial demands of child support, ill-defined roles and a constant undertow of tension.

Married two years, Tammy Matthews, 30, of Montgomery, N.Y., still struggles. Being a stepmom "has been tougher than I thought." She is lucky, she knows. She has two prime ingredients of a sound stepfamily: a supportive husband and "great" stepdaughters, ages 7 and 11. The girls spend Wednesday nights and every other weekend with Matthews and their dad.

Still, "I have no children of my own, and to have, poof, like an instant family, just add water, was a difficult transition."

New stepmoms can quickly feel overburdened. The stepdad tends to rely on his new wife to be the emotional glue that holds the new family together. Even if his children don't live full time with her, she tends to be deeply involved in their lives.

"Women are still socialized to care for the kids," says James Bray, author of Stepfamilies, based on nine years of government-funded research. "And men will let women do that. Unfortunately, men will dump the care of the children on the stepmom."

She may tire of the kids' hostility, the lack of involvement of her well-meaning husband, the resentment from an ex-wife who will never accept her right to love the children.

Many stepmoms will throw in the towel, leaving kids to go through a second parental divorce, says Diane Sollee, founder of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education. The role of the stepmother "is pivotal in the redivorce equation. That is true whether you are rich or poor, black or white or green. This stepmother thing is across the board."

The statistics are not encouraging. While the divorce rate is leveling off, it is still worse for second marriages than for first-timers. About 48% of second marriages fail, while about 40% to 43% of first marriages do. Approximately 65% of remarriages involve children and create instant stepfamilies.

Stepmothers come to Sollee with amazing stories. "A stepmom will tell me that the biological mother is a drug addict, that she beats her kids, but the kids still love their mom and won't be nice to me."

To make these often fragile blended family arrangements work, stepmoms are attending workshops and conferences, clogging Internet chat rooms and message boards with plaintive requests for help, joining real-life and virtual-support groups, starting associations, drawing on a growing cottage industry of books and reaching out to other women who understand.

They are very creative about how to find and give help. Stepmom Katherine McMillan, 30, of Oshawa, Ontario, will celebrate Mother's Day in cyberspace. She and about 30 friends from StepTogether, an Internet support group with 700 stepmoms, have partnered up two by two to exchange little gifts, running maybe $10.

"It's our own way of recognizing what we do," McMillan says. "We can celebrate each other."

Then in June she and a gaggle of stepmoms, including Tammy Matthews, will take a step past virtual friendship. They and others will host what they think is the first widespread series of small, weekend retreats for stepmoms who want to weave a stepfamily together. Confabs are scheduled on various dates in Oshawa, Ontario; Norfolk, Va.; Indianapolis; Mahwah, N.J; Detroit; and Houston.

Others take alternative routes to helping beleaguered stepmoms re-establish their sanity. Mead is starting a Northern Virginia chapter of the Stepfamily Association of America after spending some time on the Internet with StepTogether.org.

"Just entering a room with a lot of stepmothers, that feeling you are accepted and welcomed is something you can't find anywhere else," she says.

In the words of the stepfamily literature, Mead's family is now "stepping" well. She lives in a sophisticated apartment with her husband of four years, Luis Albright, 47, and his 15-year-old daughter, Sarah. His 14-year-old daughter lives nearby with her single mom, while his 20-year-old son, who lived with them earlier for two years, is in the process of setting up housekeeping on his own.

Albright, whom Mead calls "very grounded," does the lion's share of the daily work of parenting Sarah.

Over time, Mead has figured out the answer to the question virtually every stepmom must face: "Where do I fit in?"

Her job in this family, she says, "is to listen, to provide that communication. Let the biological parent parent. If you want to be a mother, then have your own baby."

She and Sarah are totally "on the same wavelength," Mead says. But still, "this is someone else's child. She has both a mother and a father."

The ability to detach takes practice, she says. "What woman can detach from a child who is in her care? It can be heartbreaking."

Sarah declares her stepmom "cool" and quite spontaneously gives her a hug.

"You have to be mindful and respectful of your stepparent," the teen says. After all, "she is married to one of your biological parents."

These two have bonded. But the experts say the relationship between a teenage stepdaughter and stepmother can be truly horrific.

"This issue is just huge," says Susan Shapiro Barash, author of Second Wives. Her next book will center on the struggle. A daughter is already competing with her mother, and then this new woman comes along, Barash says. And the stepdaughter becomes "keenly aware of what the new woman does for her father that her mother didn't do."

There have been and will be problems, this Virginia family acknowledges.

"There has been a lot of stuff I have held close to my heart," Mead says. "I didn't want to feel that way, and I didn't want to inflict those feelings on my family."

Overall, though, she says her steps have enriched her life.

Sarah "has given me access to younger parts of myself. She has brought out my sense of play." Being a stepmom has "caused something excellent to happen to my life."

By Karen S. Peterson, USA TODAY

Stepparenting: Punishment May Differ in Each Parent's House

2007-06-18T19:42:00.000-07:00

When biological parents have joint custody, the children will quickly realize that just as the rules may differ from house to house, so does the punishment. One parent may use "time out" while the other believes in spankings. One may take away privileges such as television watching or playing on the computer while the other just lectures or yells. While it would be easier on the children if the biological parents could agree on the same punishment for infractions of rules, this compromise rarely seems to occur.

In some cases, when the biological parents communicate effectively, each will honor the other's punishment restrictions. "Your father said you aren't permitted to watch television for a week so you won't be able to here until that week is up," a mother tells her youngster. Others, however, argue that each household must enforce the punishment within those confines and not expect the other parent to require compliance in his or her house.

My personal feeling is that as rules differ from household to household, so does the punishment. One parent may call upon punishment for infractions that the other would overlook or consider minor. Unless the deed was truly one requiring a strict hand—such as creating bodily harm to self or another, use of alcohol or drugs, and so on, the punishment should be carried out in and restricted to the home in which the behavior was presented. As with most decisions, however, the final action of this matter should really be determined by the two adults most responsible for the child's well-being, the biological parents.

Ten Rules For More Effective Discipline
Children need discipline in their lives so they know what's expected of them. It is vital for them to have this structure for behavior to make them feel secure, loved, and a valuable pan of their family. These ten rules may help you to become more effective in setting up rules for your blended family.

Explain the rules in a way that is age appropriate for each of the children.

Be consistent.

Lower your voice, which forces them to listen.

Never threaten what you can't/won't deliver.

Let the punishment fit the deed.

Don't name call.

Speak to the act, not the actor.

Teach cause and effect.

Let bygones be bygones.

Stay in the present.

Excerpted from:

Managing Relationships with Your Child’s Other Parent

2007-06-14T19:55:00.000-07:00

Divorce is a painful experience. Afterwards, adults may want to forget the past and make a fresh start. When children are involved, former spouses can’t avoid seeing each other. Rather than forget the past, adults need to allow themselves to experience all the feelings that come with a deep loss. Anger, guilt and grief are natural parts of mourning a lost marriage.

Allowing feelings to surface, in a constructive manner, can often help adults cope with them and move on. If former spouses don’t cope with their negative feelings, their relationships may remain tense for years. Strained relations between their divorced parents can be especially painful for children. They can sense hostility between their parents. They may feel stuck in the middle of arguments over child-support, child-contact schedules or child-rearing practices.

Focusing on their children’s wellbeing can help former spouses find common ground. Researchers found that unless domestic violence or child abuse has occurred, children generally have a better adjustment to divorce when they keep contact with both biological parents. It can be hard for former spouses to share children, but the benefits generally outweigh the difficulties. Children should be free to express their good feelings about both biological parents and stepfamilies. Parents often have to work hard at controlling their negative feelings. They must try not to complain about former spouses in front of children. Parents can help their children adjust to new living arrangements by understanding what they are going through. The “co-parenting” relationship will affect children, as will living in two households.

Co-parenting (cooperative parenting)

Former spouses will need to work out arrangements that work the best for them. Some separated and divorced couples co-parent cooperatively. They remain friendly enough to discuss different aspects of parenting. Children will feel less confused when parents can work out agreements about details such as bedtimes or household rules.

Parallel parenting

However, after divorce most people still have conflicts between them. They may find trying to agree on issues such as bedtimes or curfews lead to arguments. This doesn’t help them or their children. These parents can develop a “parallel parenting” arrangement. In this case, parents make decisions only for their own households.

When relationships are tense, many former spouses find it more comfortable to keep their conversations business-like. They only discuss the children, not other aspects of their lives. They discuss disagreements over their children when the children aren’t around. Having disagreements doesn’t mean that either parent is a failure; married couples disagree—so do divorced parents. Even parents who have different rules and styles, however, can both be first-rate parents. Whether they choose to have a lot of contact or a little, former spouses should always communicate directly. Problems arise when adults ask children to be messengers. For example, a father who says, “Tell your mother she’ll have to drop you off early next week,” places his child right in the middle.

The child may accidentally convey the wrong message. Or he or she may get caught in an argument. If this change in plans makes the mother angry, the child may believe, “If it weren’t for me they wouldn’t be fighting.” When caught between hostile parents, children often feel guilty and unsure of their parents’ love.

Adults should work out all the arrangements for young children. If asked to decide about when they “want” to see their parents, young children may feel pressured to choose one parent over the other. A child may not want to spend time with one parent fearing that the other will be lonely. By closely following the predetermined child-contact schedule, parents will be saying, “It’s okay for you to go.” Parents can ask older children to share their opinions about when they will spend time with their parents. Discussing plans with a child before working out the details with the other household is a good idea. Even though the adults make the arrangements, the child will have a chance to state what he or she wants.

Tips for co-parenting

• The state of New Hampshire requires that parents complete a “parenting plan” before they divorce. Instead of seeing this as another hoop to jump through, try and use this time as an opportunity to establish a positive co-parenting relationship with the other parent. Your children will be the better for it.

• Try to develop a business-like relationship with your former spouse. Set up a special time to talk with your former spouse about decisions or plans. Transition times can be difficult. For example, your former spouse may come in your house without knocking. He may sit down in front of the television while the kids get ready. If this makes you uncomfortable, find another place to transfer the children. You may feel more comfortable meeting at a neutral place like a restaurant or store. Don’t discuss important issues when transferring children from one household to another. This can cause tempers to flare and upset children. In some cases it’s best to hold discussions with your former spouse over the telephone. This way, you may end the call if necessary. Other parents communicate through letters or e-mail. Keep the communication on track. Stick to discussing issues such as child-contact or holiday arrangements, financial matters and topics related to the children’s school or their health.

• If you are unhappy about something your former spouse has done, approach the subject by discussing the children. Try saying, “Jimmy feels excited when he knows he’s going to see you, but when you’re late, he says he’s disappointed and that you don’t really want to spend time with him.”

• Keep agreements and do your best not to break appointments.

• Don’t discuss personal matters with your former spouse. Keep away from topics such as dating or other intimate details of your lives.

• Focus on what you can control in the situation rather than trying to change your former spouse. If your former spouse calls your house early each school morning, consider what you can control. In this case, you may work together to find a better time to call. If this doesn’t help, you may decide to not answer the phone.

• Don’t make unreasonable demands of a former spouse and don’t allow him or her to expect extra favors from you. It’s inappropriate for a former spouse to expect you to work on a car or mow the lawn. It’s also unfair for you to ask him or her to change plans at the last minute. Both parents must honor commitments about parenting and support the children.

• Remember, always try to be polite.

When co-parenting isn’t working

• Do you worry that your former spouse isn’t considering your child’s best interests? You may feel like making it hard for him or her. If you do, your child suffers the results. The best situation is to have two parents who act in their child’s best interest. The next best situation is having one parent who acts in the child’s best interest. The worst is having two parents who are so angry with each other that neither can keep the child’s interests in mind.

• In some cases you may need to contact an attorney to discuss alternatives. You may need outside help if you fear the current arrangements are harming your child and you can’t work it out with your former spouse.

• Find neutral ways to deliver messages to your former spouse. Try using email as a way to deliver these messages or send a letter through the mail.

• Don’t send messages to your former spouse through your children. It’s equally important to have children speak directly to the parent involved about their feelings and concerns. Teenagers may need encouragement and support to tell a parent why they doesn’t want to see him/her. Remember, your children should be responsible for their own feelings and decisions. Don’t put yourself in the middle.

• Some families find it helpful to involve a counselor, pastor or divorce mediator.

• Know what community resources are available. Tap these resources when you need support. You may feel frustrated when communication with a former spouse is strained. You may need advice or some one to talk to.

Children and adults benefit when co-parenting relationships are successful. When former spouse relationships are strained, business-like arrangements can help adults to work together. You and your spouse also can support one another when working out difficulties with a former spouse. As you share ideas and work together, you will be solving problems and creating a positive atmosphere for your stepfamily. Clear communication and flexibility are key.

Sources:
Papernow, P. Becoming a stepfamily: Patterns of development in remarried families, San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers,1993.
Shared Custody: Increasing Benefits and Reducing Strains, Oregon State University Extension Service.
McKenry, P.C. & Price.S. (Eds.) (2000). Families and change. London: Sage Publications, Inc.

How to Avoid Becoming the "Wicked Stepmother"

2007-06-06T22:57:00.000-07:00

Q: I need advice on disciplining my five-year-old stepdaughter. Her father is reluctant to discipline her and that responsibility falls on me. He says he is going to take an active role in parenting but usually does not. I feel that I am becoming the wicked stepmother. How can I get him to help control her behavior when she acts inappropriately?

A: You are on the road to becoming the "wicked stepmother"! This is a common pitfall for stepmoms. The terrain of the stepfamily needs to be carefully navigated if you are not to make this fairytale character come true. Should you continue to be the disciplinarian in your family your relationship with your stepdaughter will suffer. This should be her father's role, as you suggest and not yours.

One of the strongest predictor's for success in stepfamily development is the relationship between stepparent and stepchild. The second strongest predictor is a good couples' bond. Since the biological bond between parent and child predates the couples' relationship, the need to honor and respect the boundaries of this previous bond is essential prior to fully incorporating a stepparent as a major authority figure. Any shortcuts precipitate problems later.

Oftentimes, because of cultural loading on mothers to be the primary caregivers, stepmothers are susceptible to being placed in this role precipitously. Men more than women, following divorce, tend towards looking for a "replacement mother" to continue the work the biological mother did in the biologically intact family unit. This is a setup for failure and frustration! Do not take this role on. Step back and require that your husband play the "heavy" or you are likely to end up the scapegoat for everyone's negative feelings in the family.

Love includes discipline. Your husband is failing to cope with parenthood. Perhaps the dynamic in his last marriage was to leave this part of the job to Mom and he is attempting to do the same here. This could have also played a part in the failure of the first marriage, if responsibility for parenting was left to one parent! But you are not the parent. Your stepdaughter has a mother and a father.

Tell your husband you do not want to discipline his child, as it gets in the way of your forging a friendship with her. It takes time for a stepfamily to bond. Let him know that his lack of limit setting as a parent is jeopardizing the future of your family. (And simultaneously undermines whatever authority you do muster in the situation) By putting you in charge of discipline, he is setting up a situation in which he is the good guy and you are the bad guy. This void in parenting by him runs the risk of communicating to his daughter that he does not love her enough to do the hard part of the job! And leaving it to you ensures that your relationship to your stepdaughter will become wrought with conflict, before you have ever have the opportunity to secure your bond.

This kind of situation is not fair to any of you. Refuse to take this on, even if it means leaving him alone in the room with his daughter and her out of bounds behavior. Continue to develop a positive relationship to your stepdaughter. Take her on special outings the two of you can enjoy together if possible. But keep it simple and the interaction positive. Try to develop a good friendship with her. However, do not get drafted into the middle between your husband and his daughter. If your husband experiences difficulty developing this aspect of his parental responsibilities, ask him to seek out the advice of other fathers. Refer him to fathering resources on ParentsPlace. Perhaps a fathers' support group could serve to help him reflect on his own relationship with his father, and why this part of parenting is so hard for him. It is his job to do whatever it takes to develop his ability to cope with parenting. Developing his parenting skills is his obligation as a parent. He owes this to his daughter, as well as himself.

Approximately 50% of remarriages end in divorce, in part due to unrealistic expectations for family roles and relationships. Do not be seduced into "mothering" this child because she already has a mother and a father. Try instead to forge a special friendship. Over time, as your bond grows, you may gradually and quite naturally acquire the status of an authority figure who can also discipline. But you will not be filling in for your husband's lacks. With time and patience on your side, you may have the opportunity to grow into a workable stepfamily. Otherwise you may find yourself seeking a divorce as refuge from the "wicked stepmother" you could become.

The Extended Family

2007-06-03T20:14:00.000-07:00

The shape of the American family is changing for the better, becoming more inclusive, more diverse, and more extended. Shared custody(both legal and physical) is becoming more the norm, and unlike in the past—when many biofathers left the scene—biodads are often very involved in parenting their kids after a divorce. More involvement means more adults in parenting roles and far more well-combined families.

The only problem with this improved state of affairs is that the more people there are involved in any activity, the more time it takes to plan things and to negotiate through differences of opinion. (Hey, as far as I'm concerned, this caffeine-based, gotta-hurry generation could all use a little more slowing down and time-taking anyway.)

The Value of the Extended Family

Children need other people (don't we all?). Kids do best (and parents, stepparents, and families survive intact) when there's a support network of many people, including relatives, adult friends, teachers, and members of the community.

In any community, the people who live there are mostly luck-of-the-draw; you don't get to pick the residents. You don't get to choose your partner's ex, either, or the family of your partner's ex (nor did they get to pick you!). Nonetheless, all of these people are a distinct part of your community now. Recognize that they are part of your stepchild's (and therefore your) support network, and you are part of theirs. The more you're able to see the wider picture and accept the abundance and diversity of this network, the easier it will be for you to rise above individual disagreements.

You can say it's for the sake of the kids, but the sake of the kids is your sake, too. It's nearly impossible for your stepchild to bond with you when your obvious dislike of her other bioparent gets in the way. She'll feel that getting close to you will hurt her biomom or biodad.

No! You don't have to get all buddy-buddy with the ex now. A working, respectful relationship doesn't mean beer dates, bowling, or heart-to-hearts. Your stepdaughter's soccer coach is also involved in your community, but you don't feel compelled to borrow clothes or tools from her, do you? Work on developing a practical partnership with the ex, not a close friendship.

Take the First Step with the Ex

If things are heating up toward nuclear meltdown, or if the Cold War has been going on for a while, it may be up to you to begin the peace process. Take a deep breath, keep the wide-angle lens open, and begin.

In her book Cherishing Our Daughters, Evelyn Bassoff recommends writing a letter to the bioparent to break the ice. (You could do this over the phone or in person, but it's easier and makes more of an impression when i letter might say something like this:

You are there for the child, and although being a stepparent has its challenges and may not have been your first-choice role, you welcome the child into your life.
You are not trying to take over her parenting role.
You are committed to doing the best you can to try to be a kind, adult friend to her child.
You would like to put aside disagreements and put the child's interests first.
You are available to talk or correspond any time she has anything to discuss.

For many people, getting over the initial hump is the hardest. Yes, you run the risk of being snubbed, but your efforts may pay off—and if they do, they'll pay off big-time. Think how much easier your life would be if you didn't have that churning anxiety every time you or your partner had to deal with the ex.

The Cooperation Concept

Cooperation and parenting collaboration with the ex will pay off in more than the money you'll save on antacids and headache relief. You can be a better stepparent if you enlist your partner's ex as a parenting ally. Think of the advantages! You can share information and ideas about problems your stepchildren are having. You and your partner are not as likely to be manipulated by your stepkid. And your stepkids will be happier. They won't feel tension in the air, they'll feel more secure, and they'll accept you sooner and with more grace.

Defeating antagonism takes time. Keep trying—it's worth it.

The Other Relatives

Your partner has broken up with the ex and has found fabulous you! Yet, because your partner has kids, there are still more “other” relatives in the picture besides those Other Grands. (Remember them—and see The Rights of Grandparents). Who else is involved? What about your stepkids' aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, and third-cousins-twice-removed? Your partner's ex's relatives may very well be a part of your new family's network.

Here's another opportunity to grow your community and incorporate more concerned adults into your extended family. Once again, it may be up to you to take the first steps, especially if your partner's past relationship crashed, flamed, and burned.

Setting Reasonable Goals

In all your stepparenting endeavors, it's vital to keep your expectations in check and to set reasonable goals for yourself and for your stepfamily.

There's a slogan I keep posted on my office wall: “Perfect is the Enemy of Good.” If you try for perfection, you are doomed to fail. Aim your hardest for “good enough.” Do the best you can, and be patient. Change takes time. Be kind to yourself.

Defeating Guilt

“Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving,” said Erma Bombeck. Used wrongly, guilt can be a destructive force to you and to others. But guilt can be a positive force when it reminds us that we always have the opportunity to improve ourselves and our actions.

It's hard to read an advice book, especially when it points out things that you've done wrong and suggests ways of doing things that you haven't done. Don't let guilt over your past stepparenting practices freeze you in your footsteps. Don't beat yourself up. It's never too late to make changes, and it's never too late to improve your step relationships.

Telling Your Stepchildren About Your First Pregnancy

2007-05-31T13:34:00.000-07:00

Congratulations you're going to be a mother! You have all of the emotions from excitment to anxiety to confusion of a first time expectant mom. You have one thing that many first time expectant moms don't have: a stepchild.

You are a member of the growing group of expectant moms who are a part of a blended or stepfamily. You are faced with the unique challenge of having your first baby with a husband who has a child or children from a previous relationship.

Regardless of your relationship with your stepchildren,they may experience jealousy or insecurity that daddy is having another baby.

Dad should assure the children that his heart is big enough to love all of his children and that no one will take their place in his eyes.

Now it's your turn to talk to your stepchildren. What should you say? Consider the following:

Never offer assurance by saying things won't change after the baby is born. A baby brings changes in life. You probably won't feel like hosting your stepchild's slumber party after staying up the previous night with your crying newborn.

Do offer assurance by saying that even though you will have to eliminate some of your activities during pregnancy and after the baby arrives, your stepchild will always have a place in your heart.

Never offer assurance by saying you will love your newborn the same as your stepchild. Even if you believe this is true at the time you announce your pregnancy, don't say it. Why?

As the months progress, you will be taken by surprise at the intensity of love you feel for the growing baby inside of you. Seeing the first ultrasound and feeling the first movements create a bond that develops long before your baby is born. A stepmom usually does not have the opportunity to develop a bond with her stepchild before birth.

The bond of a first time expectant mom can be so great with her developing baby that if she is a stepmom, she often wishes her husband was sharing the experience as a first time dad as well.

Do offer assurance by reaffirming your love or by reaffirming the special place your stepchild has in your heart. Remind your stepchild that the new baby will be a part of him or her.

Being a stepmom expecting her first baby is no easy feat. In addition to the unsettling emotions pregnancy hormones bring, you have the challenges of a blended or stepfamily.

Take time to relax, pamper yourself and talk about your feelings with those you trust. Cherish each day you grow closer to meeting the little one you're carrying. Before you know it one day when you hold your baby, you'll know why mothers refer to their little ones as "the hearts outside of their bodies."

Article Source: Cynthia Wilson James is a childbirth educator, author, a midlife mom of two bubbly toddlers and a stepmom. She gave birth at age 42 to her first child and a second child at age 44. You can reach her at her website http://inseasonmom.org

Blending Families Takes Work!

2007-05-28T20:35:00.000-07:00

Dr. David Hawkins
The Relationship Doctor

We live in a day when divorce is much more common than it was twenty-five years ago, and because of this, there are more and more blended families. We call them by different names -stepfamilies, ready-made families, and blended families -referring to families where one or both spouses have been married before and often have children from previous relationships.

Imagine the following scenario:

A woman was previously married for seven years and has two young children from that marriage. The marriage ended acrimoniously because of her ex’s chronic unfaithfulness. There is still a great deal of tension between them and any conversation concerning the children results in an opportunity for ongoing conflict.
After being single for three years, she began dating. A year and a half later she married her husband. He is several years older, and has been married twice previously, with one grown son from his first marriage and two teenage children from his second marriage. He gets along very well with his two ex-spouses.

While this woman loves this man, they are already experiencing some of the typical challenges facing blended families. This is one of many different combinations of blended families; his kids/her kids/ their kids; active ex-spouse, distant ex-spouse; cooperative relationships/acrimonious relationships with the ex, to name a few.

Consider some of these common hurdles for blended families:

• Children having loyalty issues between their natural parents and stepparents;
• Children feeling jealousy toward the other children;
• Entanglements, both positive and negative, with ex-spouses;
• Challenges with including the “new spouse” in decision-making about the stepchildren;
• Jealousy of the stepparent toward the stepchildren;
• Blending estates and finances;
• Blending religious and spiritual values;
• Ensuring the new marriage has appropriate time and attention;
• Guarding against too high of expectations for the new marriage and family;
• Establishing the identity of the “new” family.

With these challenges in mind, you won’t be surprised to hear that counseling those in blended families has been some of my most difficult work. While these families have many positive things to share with one another, they also have struggles not encountered by families without this history.

Here’s a recent Message Board request, suggesting concerns with blending families:

Dear Dr. Hawkins,
I am new at this and I consider myself to be a very spiritual individual, meaning that I do believe that my relationship with God is true. I recently married and now I am separated. To make a long story short, we started encountering problems when my 15 year old step daughter came to live with us. I have a 17 year old daughter who I admire, but I thought if I treated them with the same affection that every thing would be ok. Now he lives with his daughter and I live with mine. I pray daily for us to come together as a family, but it has been 3 weeks now. I want to grow old with my husband, but I don't know what to say without causing conflicts. I know that every thing happens for a reason, I just wish I knew this reasoning, I pray that it is from God and not from my husband’s reasoning. Pray for me because I love him and I want our marriage to work, I'm just at a stand still with being positive right now.

Clearly this woman is experiencing some of the “typical” problems encountered by stepfamilies. While the exact nature of their problems is unclear, it is likely that they, like most stepfamilies, failed to fully anticipate and prepare for blending families. Her note suggests there was conflict between her 15 year old stepdaughter and 17 year old daughter.

It is also quite obvious that she and her husband aren’t problem-solving effectively. They have failed to manage the conflict that is common to blending families and he has chosen to separate rather than continue to struggle with the issues.

What can this woman do now? While I’ll offer a few ideas, I’d love for you to weigh in on this issue. Assuming that the heart of the matter involves tensions between the two girls, and divided loyalties, what can she do now?

One, invite your husband to talk with a third party about the problems. Perhaps your pastor or professional counselor can help you untangle the conflicts and speak to each other in such a way so as to solve problems. Whomever you choose to counsel with, make sure they have some familiarity with stepfamilies and problems associated with them.

Two, use this time to examine your heart and reflect on the issues. While your heart is clearly breaking, the space between the four of you can be used to explore what isn’t working and how to come back together more effectively.

Three, consider family counseling, with a therapist familiar with blended family issues. It is quite likely that in addition to marriage counseling, the teenage girls need to have a voice in the matter as well. Children in blended families have a huge influence on how effectively the blending process occurs. You need to listen to their voice.

Fourth, read everything you can on blended families. I have written a very readable book on the topic: When You’re Living in a Stepfamily. There are many other good books that will help you understand what you’ve done well, and what needs improvement.

Finally, you are right about the separation occurring for a reason—though that doesn’t mean you should passively wait for it to end. Look and listen carefully to your husband to learn about what led him to separate. Listen with an open mind and a willingness to learn. Take what you learn and make healthy changes.

Source: CBN.com