Diametrically

Good advice is hard to find

2009-05-02T09:55:00.000+01:00

Let me be clear from the outset that I think Citizens Advice Bureaux are great services provided by very committed people.

However I do feel concerned for the issues they have to face when you read their frequently asked questions.

Not only do they have to respond to people asking: "can CAB help me with my faulty waterworks", they also have to endure poor depressed souls asking them "When my girlfriend dumps me can CAB help?".

Apparently, they are also frequently asked "can the CAB lend me money?" Perhaps it is just that local bureau and Haddington has a lot of skint, lonely people with burst pipes?

As others see us

2009-04-09T09:34:00.000+01:00

Yesterday morning, the BBC Scotland morning news was most informative on the deficiencies of our little country.

Firstly, we discovered that returning soldiers were more likely to be unemployed in Scotland. Then we were usefully informed that it was more likely that those in mortgage arrears in Scotland would lose their houses than those in a similar position in England. Finally I was berated for living in the country with the dirtiest beaches in Britain.

I have a couple of issues with this approach to news. In particular, it doesn’t actually tell me anything. I’m no expert on statistics but wherever you compare two items, one is going to come out ‘worse’. The rest of Britain may have remarkably clean beaches and Scottish beaches simply have a couple of crisp packets blowing by. Or they may be knee deep in raw sewage. I’m none the wiser.

On a wider point though, why does Scotland obsess over its comparative position with other countries? Look through Parliamentary debates and you will see a common theme of ‘why don’t we do ……. like they do in England/Netherlands/Denmark (delete as applicable). There is a corresponding dialogue in our newspapers too.

Perhaps this isn’t unique to Scotland? But I just can’t see the French lamenting anything that they might need to do differently or the Germans debating how on earth the Danes do everything so well.

With a reasonable hat on, I understand you need to provide points of reference for your audience and an understanding of how we compare to others can be useful. For me, the telling point is that pretty much a whole news bulletin amounted to a bad report card without really mapping any ideas on how to improve things. Burns may have introduced the idea of seeing ourselves as others see us but I think it has become an unhelpful obsession.

Applying yourself

2009-02-11T20:17:00.005Z

I spent an evening this week looking through applications for a vacancy in my team at work. Two things struck me. Firstly, that there was a depressing number of people who listed 'redundancy' as the reason for leaving their most recent job. The other thing that I quickly became aware of is that there are a few basic rules to follow when you hope to get yourself an interview.

These are:

- Try to spell the name of your current employer correctly. This helps to create the impression that you have actually been paying attention to the people paying your wages for the last few years.

- It is also beneficial to check the spelling of your prospective employer as well. I know it can be tricky to remember how to spell 'children' but a dictionary should be consulted if you are unsure.

- It is a good tactic to write more than two short paragraphs when answering the question: "please explain how your experience gives you the skills necessary to undertake the post as described in the job description".

- Check your application for basic errors. Telling me you started with your current employer in 2010 leaves me confused. I wasn't expecting Doctor Who to apply for this post.

- Finally, if you have a really embarrassing e-mail address, consider setting up a more neutrally titled yahoo account before completing the form. A few pointers might be avoiding addresses with the words 'sexy', 'big' or any ridiculous nickname you may have found yourself adopting.

And of course, stapling a few twenty pound notes to the covering letter is never a bad idea.

Cold caller

2009-02-02T23:51:00.000Z

Today was probably the coldest day of the decade. The snow was still falling and I had just endured an hour and a half of stressful, slippy driving to get home. It was therefore a bit surprising to get a knock at the door and find some half-wit from E-ON trying to get me to change my energy supplier! By the time I had shooed him away, all of the heat had escaped from my house and my energy bill had just doubled.

Ant attack

2009-01-09T22:10:00.005Z

I just checked the TV guide and am devastated to discover I missed this fine Hollywood production:

The Hive (2007)
A horde of flesh eating ants go on the rampage, slaughtering a group of mine workers in Thailand. A scientist is sent to wipe them out, only to clash with a conservationist old flame who hopes to find a way of containing the threat without destroying them. They soon find themselves forced to join forces to survive, however, when it emerges that the carnivorous insects have evolved a sinister intelligence and have deadly plans for the human race. Thriller, starring Kal Weber and Elizabeth Healey

It would appear to have enough plot lines to keep four or five movies going! And it all sounded so plausible too, until they just had to add the sinister intelligence bit....

Defining incongruous

2008-11-24T22:31:00.001Z

Coming home on the train this afternoon, I witnessed an unusual commuter picnic. A chap in his fifties sat opposite me and tucked into his Marks and Spencer sandwich. What was unusual was that he washed it down with a Bucks Fizz!

It was a carefully crafted meal. He had placed his sandwich carefully on top of his newspaper. Then he took a clear plastic cup out of his bag and half-filled it with orange juice from a carton. He proceeded to quietly open a bottle of Cava and top up his drink.

I gave the scene some consideration. Normally when I see someone drinking on a train I feel slightly nervous. So why did I not feel threatened simply because he had Cava instead of Buckfast? His neat pinstripe suit and polished shoes also helped convince me he wasn’t about to burst into song or lob his empty bottle down the train.

In fact, as he lovingly placed his little cup on the grubby Scotrail floor while he took a bite of his sandwich, I felt a pang of jealousy at his level of lunchtime organisation.

His luxury lunch, precise but odd demeanour and maybe his copy of an Ian Rankin novel that had clearly been dropped in the bath at some point convinced me that he was a harmless eccentric.

I couldn’t help imagining though, that he was a credit crunch victim who had been required to give up his chauffeur driven Jag and was trying to hold on to some vestige of luxury

Irony of the week

2008-11-19T22:12:00.001Z

was surely the BNP member bemoaning the publication of their membership list by saying "we seem to be living in a fascist state in Britain today"

I had no last minute nerves but this guy did!

2008-10-28T13:34:00.000Z

Reluctant groom sets hotel on fire

A Japanese man set fire to the hotel where he was due to get married at the weekend, rather than go through with the ceremony later the same day

Tatsuhiko Kawata, 39, had gone along with wedding plans despite already having a wife.

How not to pull a sickie

2008-10-27T18:57:00.001Z

I particularly like the e-mail trail

Appearances can be deceptive twice

2008-08-12T20:35:00.002+01:00

As part of the preparatory works for our house extension. we had our gas meter moved today.

A gang of five workmen turned up and proceeded to dig up my driveway. When i went to make a coffee I heard them having an intense debate as they worked. In a display of complete snobbery, I assumed they were discussing the weekend football or the like. As I tuned in to their conversation though, I realised they were in the midst of a newsnight style debate on the crisis in Georgia !

One of them was explaining that Medvedev was a puppet while another was claiming self defence on the part of Russia. Anyway, they moved on from geopolitics to finish the job and tidied everything up really well - not a common experience with the work we have had done so far.

So that was me put in my place. Or so I thought until our neighbours came round to announce they had no gas. Our intellectual workmen had managed to cut through the wrong pipe.....

political cycling

2008-07-30T22:34:00.001+01:00

There is a time in the political cycle where governments can do no right. Labour are surely at that point – both in Scotland and the UK.

The debate over David Miliband’s true intentions when he penned a Guardian article ostensibly calling for Labour to pull itself together is a case in point. Every word is now analysed for signs of (dis)loyalty and the pace of 24 hour news means that any utterance is immediately assessed by teams of political pundits. Before anyone has the chance to even read the original article, it has already been pulled apart and its content pigeon-holed as pro or anti Mr Brown.

Not that I have any sympathy for Number 10s most dithering occupant since Neville Chamberlain. It does though provide a fascinating real life example of how the media operates and public opinion fluctuates. As you trace a popularity line from Blair’s landslide to Glasgow East, you see a marked dip with the invasion of Iraq but also a crystal clear indication that the media set you up, then knock you down. There is a warning in there for Alex Salmond as the Scottish political nibs clamour to proclaim him “quite good actually”.

I feel my age now as I remember the predictions of Tory wipeout and their elimination from British politics. Yet now we discuss Cameron as a credible alternative PM. William Hague was probably just as credible, but it wasn’t the right time in the cycle for him. Perhaps, though, with David Cameron having his bike stolen this week, now is not the time to mention cycles to him either.

Value for money

2008-07-10T11:58:00.002+01:00

I was at the dental hospital on Tuesday to have a wisdom tooth removed. On arrival, I was "persuaded" to have the top tooth removed as well as it was likely to cause problems when the lower one was removed. Part of the persuasion was that it would be free at the dental hospital but I'd have to pay if I went back to get it done at my own dentist. A kind of BOGOF deal from the NHS....

However, the whole procedure took so long that by the time we got out, we had a parking ticket. Funnily enough, about the cost of a tooth removal at my dentist.

Still, I can now join the club that have horrible dental stories to tell whenever wisdom teeth are mentioned. I discovered the existence of this club when I started telling people that i was taking a couple of days off to get the tooth removed. Members are easily spotted by the way they screw up their faces like a mechanic telling you your brakes are shot, before proceeding to regale you with stories of blood, pain and general discomfort.

Observations after a day of decorating

2008-06-28T21:11:00.001+01:00

Trying to wipe up spilt plaster with a wet cloth merely results in the floor being plastered.
No matter how many times you uncoil and straighten the underfloor heating wire, it ties itself in a knot as soon as your back is turned.
Builders never phone back.
Living 20 miles from B&Q ensures you will always run out of something.
Even in a room that is less than five square metres, there are still an infinite number of places to lose your pencil.
There is no such thing as a five minute job.
There is always someone on hand to tell you how to do something… after you have already done it a different way.

sales and marketing

2008-04-27T13:10:00.002+01:00

With some work planned on the house, we have been speaking to trades and salespeople. And what an experience it can be.

Two gentlemen visited us yesterday. The first, an electrician, was an older chap who told us that he chose who he worked with and when he worked. Before he drove off in his BMW, we were delighted that he had "selected" us as potential clients and were looking forward to paying his substantial bill when he completes the work. This strange role reversal still makes no sense to me.

Our second visitor was a cliche of a double glazing salesman who spent a long time telling us how brilliant the company was but demonstrated a distinct lack of understanding of finance. After offering a credit deal we asked what the APR would be. At first he maintained that there was no APR unless we missed a payment. On pointing out the"typical APR 22.9%" footnote on a leaflet,he patiently explained to me that of course there was interest but no APR. Apparently, the loan was so flexible that he "didn't think anyone" could work out the APR. Certainly not him anyway. I began to wish for a set of Rogue Trader style hidden cameras.

After much explanation of just how wrong he was, he eventually departed and, in another role reversal, he couldn't wait to get away. Must surely be a first for a double glazing salesman.

Not what the doctor ordered

2008-04-14T21:09:00.002+01:00

Mike Tyson has offered to provide "counselling and support" to Paul Gascoigne as he battles his various personal demons.

I kind of feel that's like asking Darth Vader to advise on childcare.

That's it... I quit

2008-03-20T13:23:00.002Z

The Dalai Lama apparently threatened to resign in protest at the growing violence in Tibet and China's claims that he was orchestrating the protests.

I'm no theological expert but I thought he was a re-incarnation of the Buddha ? something that surely means you can't just stick your resignation note in the boss' in-tray and start claiming your pension ?

The Nobel Peace Prize he has on his mantelpiece must also be a fairly good defence against any claims that he is behind the violence.....

Lasting legacies

2008-02-20T09:35:00.002Z

Reading the BBC online report on Fidel Castro's resignation, my eye was drawn to the accompanying photograph. Castro is pictured wearing a red and black Adidas top and looking, to all intents and purposes, like someones grandad.

While there is much to debate about the rights and wrongs of how he has run that country, there are no more iconic images than that of Che Guevara and Castro photographed around the time of the revolution. I will now have to place those images alongside an old man in a tracksuit.

Glasgow to Edinburgh in ten minutes

2008-01-29T21:24:00.000Z

I knew it was going to be a trying experience when, already an hour late, I slowly climbed the steps to the plane. Glancing into the cockpit I saw one of the pilots staring intently at what was clearly an instruction manual of some kind. Still, I thought, better to have him checking it than relying on eeny, meeny, miny, moe to choose which button to press at 20 000 feet.

The flight itself wasn’t too bad although it did suffer from the sort of turbulence that makes you wonder why the wings don’t just fall off. Then the tannoy crackled and the co-pilot introduced himself with a variety of phrases that you never want to hear while sitting in an insulated metal box a mile or so above the ground. “ahh sorry we haven’t spoken to you so far on this journey… captain is a bit busy to speak to you…. wanted to get the situation clear before talking to you all……”

As it turned out, the runway at Edinburgh had managed to develop a hole which is apparently not good when trying to land a plane. It was, however, a clear example of where getting to the point would have saved a lot of worry. I’m sure I didn’t breathe until he had clarified that we weren’t about to ditch into the Forth.

Alarms bells did ring for me as he explained they needed a quick decision from ground control as they could only circle for ten minutes before having to divert to another airport. I don’t mind them not packing enough bacon rolls or duty free plastic planes but stick a bit more unleaded in than that please! So we diverted to Glasgow and were then told to remain on the plane as it appeared Edinburgh airport had re-opened and we would take on fuel before flying back.

A few canny sorts who were heading West negotiated their release from the plane and all normally sacrosanct rules about not being onboard planes while they are re-fuelled, and not using your mobile while the electronics are on, were waived by the captain.

The final stretch of my now very long trip home from Cardiff involved a ten minute flight from Glasgow to Edinburgh. Indeed, before taking off, I saw the co-pilot demonstrate just how quick a trip it would be to a fellow traveller with a quick hand gesture involving a swoop of his hand up and then down. Perhaps he had read that in the instruction manual?

Today I discovered that Edinburgh airport is planning to re-surface the runway and did end up wondering if last nights “emergency” was a bit of pre-emptive justification for this multi million pound set of roadworks.

Deaf driver with glass eye banned

2008-01-12T17:39:00.000Z

That is the headline, here is the story.

My favourite line is "He kept glancing at what he thought was the speedometer, but it wasn't"

Ahead of themselves

2008-01-11T13:41:00.000Z

It's the 11th of January and I have just seem an advert for a film that claims it is "The best picture of the year" !

I am sure by next week we should have the car of the year and a goal of the season this weekend too...

The film is "No Country for Old Men" in case you are wondering.

Sh*t happens

2007-12-01T09:26:00.000Z

Commenting on the current inability of Wendy Alexander to remember whether she illegally accepted campaign donations, Tom McCabe is quoted as saying:

"Clearly this happening at the time it has happened, when things are happening South of the Border, she is very upset.

Shades of Sir Humphrey.

The power of advertising

2007-11-22T21:18:00.000Z

Small child: I want an ipod for Christmas

Parent: Why? Do you know what an ipod does?

Small child: No, I just want one....

Exotic England

2007-10-16T20:23:00.000+01:00

I was enticed by an item from the "Somerfield Exotic" range tonight - the ultra rare and luxurious vegetable known as a courgette. On closer inspection, I discovered this "exotic" item had come all the way from Worcestershire.

Communications error

2007-10-10T21:51:00.000+01:00

I was intrigued by the newspaper adverts this week from the postal workers union. After setting out their reasons for the current postal strike, they then suggested I write to my MP in support of their cause.

I'm uncertain who would actually deliver my letter should I choose to write one but I guess they might give it priority ??

Wrong job?

2007-09-24T22:24:00.000+01:00

A guy came to our work the other day to fix a shredder.

He drove up in a very swanky new lotus.

I am so in the wrong job.