Paradise Philippines

Rules on Being a Filipino

2007-09-02T23:05:00.000-07:00

In Paradise Philippines you are a Pure Filipino if you:

Carry a Nokia Cellphone, and use TXT msgs (never call it SMS or you will be PWNED!!! LOL)
Drive only luxury Japanese or German cars.
You must use tabo and H2O or "Bidit" after pooping and not TP alone.
Avoid trailer parks.
Beware of "evil demons".
Beware of dwarves.
Act black.
Elect actors and actresses into public office then clap your hands.
Believe in superstitious bullshit.
If you're a balikbayan from the states, never ever speak Tagalog.
Celebrate Christmas. For a month. - and prepare to put up decors 2 months before and get them down before lent....
Always climb a volcano.
When a typhoon hits, STAY OUTSIDE AND PLAY!!!
Point with your lips.
Scratch your head if you don't know the answer.
If another person asks how far away is their destination, just say it's just close by no matter how far it is.
Pray to MOMMA MARY.
Throw a big party in the graveyard during Halloween.
When a white person does happen to see you, give your privates a good licking, they always like that.
When a black person does happen to see you, do what Kramer from Seinfeld did, they always like that.
Shop til you drop folks, that's why our malls are bigger than those in the West!
Complain to foreigners that the Philippines is the poorest country in the world and then spend all day shopping at fancy malls, drinking Starbucks coffee, and riding taxis.
Eat rice all the time.
Use your fingers to cook rice (best done while afflicted with a fatal, contagious disease )
Ditch utensils!!! Eat with your hands, dammit!
Remember that every Caucasian you see is from the States, and the appropriate greeting for them is either "Hey Joe!" or "Gimme money!". They love that!
Pretend to not know English.
Be updated about Kris Aquino.
Act gay and touch people's balls and such even though you're not really gay. Or are you??
Buy a painting of The Last Supper and hang it on your dining room wall, even if you're not Christian.

Paradise Philippines: National Anthem

2007-08-19T06:32:00.000-07:00

Keep up singing! galing ng Pinoy!

Paradise Philippines True Information

2007-08-01T11:24:00.000-07:00

Paradise Philippines Motto: NURSES, Nurses galore! or Our People are the most Beautiful because of our Gays
Capital: Smokey Mountain Manila
Largest City: Payatas Dumpsite Quezon City
Government: Bayad muna bago baba, Barya lang po sa Umaga
Fuehrer: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Vice-Fuehrer: Noli "me speaka no english" De Castro
Top Politicians: Prospero Pichay, Manny Pacquiao, Eddie Gil
Independence: What independence?
National Hero: Manny Pacquiao, Raganciano Kapitapitagan Junior
National Languages: La Salle Taft Coñospeak, Arrneow Lingo, TaGAYlog, Salitang-kalye, Squatter, Tadbaliks, Gay Lingo Chuva Chenes.
Currency: Galunggong Tuyo
Religions: Roman Catholicism, Islam, Ang Dating Daan, Iglesia ni Cristo, El Shaddai, Born Again, Pacquiaoism, Wowowee-ism
Top Universities: School of Hard Knocks, University of the Belt, University of Recto (Instant-graduate!)
University with the Lowest IQ: De La Salle University Manila & Ateneo de Manila University (its a tie!!!)
Official Student's Meal: 4 pcs siomai + rice + extra rice + more extra rice + even more extra rice
National Martial arts: BURNIK FIST (bara-barang suntukan)
Official Ringtone: Itaktak mo!, Boom-Tarat-tarat
Official Videogame: starkrapt, Kawnter-Strayk, Ragnarock, DOTA, Grand_Theft_Auto:_Philippines, Hap Layp, Nigga Stole Mah Bike
Official Mascot: Jollibee
Retardedest Province:Sulu - the decapitation capital of the world (thanks to our export quality Muslim Terrorists in Mindanao)
Official Terrorist Group: Department of InJustice, Abu Sayyaf, Bandana Gang, Ipasabog ang Bomba group, Sundot Puke Gang.
Top Pirated Softwares: I-pod, Windows Xp SP3 with MAC OS TIGER bootability (wtf!?), JUST NEW = Windows Vista Secuirty pack 1.000009
Favorite Filipino Hobbies : Participating in "paid" Rallies, KARAOKE!, Watching Naruto, Surfing Friendster, Exercising finger/s thru Texting, Finding new Pirated DVDs
Best Rip-off of the Year: Captain Smallville Barbell

Do you still want to go to Paradise Philippines? huh?

Paradise Philippine Cuisine

2007-07-30T01:49:00.000-07:00

The Paradise Philippines has one of the simplest cuisines in the world, and much of what passes for food in this country would gag a drunken Scotsman.

Filipinos don't mind eating something that is looking at them. In fact, studies show that dining is more pleasurable when you see the animals's last pitiful expression of sorrow and torment as it was viciously tortured before finally being slaughtered by some fat butcher named Fredo.

When preparing meat, just deep fry the motherfucker in a vat of lard, and there you go! Philippine cuisine involves killing pigs (as violently as possible) and roasting them pagan-banquet style. Pretty much anything organic served with genetically-modified white rice and a spoon is considered a meal. Filipino cuisine must always be cheap and contain as much cholesterol and fat as possible. Well, at least you'll die happy from the stroke.

Adobo is the most accepted and most uniform way to prepare meat by cooking the poor animal in its own bodily juices. Almost anything can be made "adobo" including dogmeat but thats one way of getting rid of the damn stray dog (and cat) problem.

Halo-halo is a dessert where red beans, jello, lima beans, jizz, coconut husks, bamboo shoots, dead batteries, and paint thinner, are mixed in a bowl. A couple of d ice cream scoops are often topped to make it "special" (whatever that meant).

Dinuguan is an apalling dish consisting of pig's blood and shredded pig offal (usually ears) that no Filipino really likes. However, because the Filipino has a deep-seated aversion to throwing out any food no matter how inedible, most feel compelled to try it. The Muslims in the south find this disgusting and haram but they're Muslim and nobody cares what they think.
Pancit is usually made of thin noodles as greasy as possible and add assortment of random meats like pork (as always), beef, chicken, shrimp, rat, etc. A good pancit should have no flavor.

Lambanog is distilled liquor made of coconut sap that is usually 70% alcohol and 30% plutonium. The more the alcohol content and the faster it shuts down the brain the better. A lambanog hangover is a fate worse than death.

Sonafamothafuckinbitch! What in the name of all that's holy is this crap! It tastes like crap served with even crappier crap that just came out of Rick James' ass mixed with R Kelly's doo doo butter!
~ Captain Obvious on Balut

Ube, a huge, glowing purple yam. It's "enriched" to produce a supersweet jam substance akin to uranium yellowcake. It's also the best-selling ice cream flavor among Filipinos, and yes, it's PURPLE!!!!

Dogs have been known to disappear in the Philippines and reappear cooked and skeletonized. More popularly known as Azucena. Hey, were not exactly first world here.

Ratsilog is deep fried sewer rat with garlic fried rice and a fried egg. Served at Jollibee with fried coffee.

They'll deep fry your T-shirt in Jollibee if you ask nicely. Or sometimes if you don't ask at all, and that includes while you're still wearing it.

90% of all cell phones snatched near Colon Street in Cebu wind up in the deep fryer at the local Jollibee, where Nokiasilog is a particularly sought-after delicacy. Followed closely by Motorolasilog and Sonyericssonsilog.

Balut is a premature/aborted duck chick/fetus still in its shell. It is used by most Filipinos as an initiation tool for poor foreigners who don't know what it is. It is also the reason that abortion issues are still being debated in the country.

Taho is a tasteless mixture of bean curd and tapioca balls. Usually drizzled with molasses to make this hippie crap tolerable.

Beer na Beer is a beer whose name can transliterated to "It's really beer!" Goes great for celebrations like parties, gatherings, funerals, etc.

San Mig Light is, according to most Filipinos, the greatest beer in the world. Hell, it's the only light beer in the counrty. It's basically beer diluted with sewage water to make taste like a light beer. If you get drunk off it, you will feel a sudden burst of energy that makes you want to take off your clothes and run around naked.

Puto, small rice cakes, is not to be confused with the Spanish word for George W Bush.

Chicharon Bulaklak is deep-fried pig foreskin with salt. Best served with spicy vinegar.

Sorbetes or dirty ice cream, is homemade ice cream sold on the street. As the name implies it is 'dirty' and god-knows-what else is in that thing. One look at the scary hobo that usually sells this stuff and you bet you would get like fifty infections tops.

The Balut: Is it dead? C'mon let's eat the motherfucker!LOLZ!

Ispageti (Philippine spaghetti) is one of the popular dishes here. You can catch this delectable dish at kids birthday parties, town fiestas and at funeral wakes. Its sauce consist mostly of sugar, sliced red (yes, RED!!!) hotdogs, a gallon of banana catsup (that's Filipino ketchup), ground pork (again! Or beef, or chicken, or whatever), filled cheese, and hardly any tomato sauce. The noodles should be super soggy (al dente noodles are for homos). It's so popular that you can actually buy this popular treat at American fast food joints such as McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, Pizza Hut, Carl's Jr., Popeye's, KFC, El Pollo Loco, Starbucks, TGI Fridays and at ACE Hardware Stores nationwide.

Tae ng Kalabaw is a very popular dessert. Made from brown carabao milk, it was discovered by the Spaniards in 1592.

LeChe flan is also a very popular dessert. "LeChe" in English means "made of shit", which, coincidencially, is made of shit. The main ingredients are animal shit, Jell-O, and any other weird shit of choice.

Filipino college students are known to be excessive cheapskates, even when it comes to food. They don't mind living on preservatives, carcinogens, and toxic waste as long as it's cheap. Hence the Siomai Rice Meal. Usually priced at 30 pesos (or less), this meal consists of genetically modified rice, with four pieces of deep-fried siomai (pork dimsum) on the side. Students usually order extra servings of rice and ~~kerosene~~ soy sauce (which has to be Marca Piña-salty) for free. They'd even go for second servings of rice, thirds even! How they manage to fit those tiny ~~crap~~ dumplings with mounds and mounds of rice remains a mystery to others, especially amongst elitists (Ateneans, LaSallians, etc). Now that's bat fucking insane!!! And dirt poor to boot!!

People in Paradise Philippines

2007-07-30T00:40:00.000-07:00

Most Filipinos (or Pinoys, as they prefer to call themselves) have a pair of eyes, ears and nostrils, two arms and legs much like humans. They pout and use their lips instead of their fingers to point to things. They can understand each other using various body languages and gestures without uttering a word. Filipinos have this secret sign called "the floating rectangle." In restaurants, they make a shape of a rectangle in the air to signal to the waiters using their thumbs and index fingers which means "the food here sucks, give us the goddamn bill." At home, a Pinoy family's hospitality is renowned worldwide. They will more than happily accept over $500 worth of pasalubong, food and groceries, but will be extremely insulted if you offer to make even one grilled cheese sandwich.

To get a Filipino's attention, just say "Hoy!", or "Psstttt!", or "Pssst uyy!!!". If this approach fails, yell "DOG!" and they will turn around, fangs bared and eyes bulging, saying "WHERE?!"

They have an appendage called a celfone which they use to communicate with their herd. This body part, if taken from the Filipino, will result in paranoia. This makes it easier for biologists to identify the Filipinos in the wild, since they have their individual IMEI numbers which the scientists can track. Filipinos immediately respond to celfone messages rather than any emergency and calls you can imagine.

Whitening cream and transexualism is very popular with Filipinos. Over half of the GDP comes from these two interests.

They really really love Air Supply, Michael Learns to Rock, and Bon Jovi.

Willie Garte, Diomedes Maturan, Ruben Tagalog, Victor Wood, Pilita Corales, Bing Rodrigo, Weng Weng, Joaquin Fajardo, Romy Diaz, Rod Navarro, Edgar Mortiz, Apeng Daldal and Raganciano Kapitapitagan Junior are the national heroes.

There exists two subcultures in this race, the "coños" (a name for the pinoy bourgeoisie, it actually means "cunt" in Spanish. Yeah you know, pink tacos, pussy, pink hole, etc.) and the "jologs".

The coños flaunt their superficiality through extravagant lifestyles and kissing American capitalism's ass. Examples of such are Tim Yap, Tessa Prieto Valdez, Kris Aquino and all the Zobels, Ayalas, Elizaldes, Cojuancos, Madrigals and the Aranetas that walk the face of the earth. Their vocabulary includes using the word "like" and "prrrrang" (two separate words, usually used together... "like... prrrang... um... like... prrrang... uh, like yeah, that one..."). Do not forget the "you know" plus "kase eh", then it becomes "like... prrrang.. um like you know kase eh... uhm you know? like, like that oh?".

And then there are the "jologs" or the masses, who want to be like the coños but can't because of the poverty and corruption. What can I say, coños can be hogs sometimes. Their wardrobe consists of third world coño-wannabe shirts that have (intentionally?) bad spelling, ie. Mike (Nike), Gutshy (Gucci), Praba (Prada), Skaters (Skechers), Havanas (havaianas) etc. (The list goes on, thanks to the enterprising Chinese proprietors also known as the Tokwas)

A new sub-culture has been formed with the arrival of Flip immigrants. These despicable beings try with their honest best to imitate black gangstas. They carry machetes in their trousers, completely unaware of the risk they are taking if they weren't Flips. This should only be attempted by Flip gangsters - they have nothing to worry about cutting off something down there. Flip rap, white bandanas, and oversized shirts are all the rave for these young failures. They have actually sunk below the black gangstas in the aspect of speech. English dialect consists of the few expletives there are mixed with random placements of "your mom". Otherwise, only an undistinguishable jabber of clicking and clucking they call a language is used to communicate.

Evolution is also evident in the Philippines. Charles Darwin would have been elated if he were alive today. A man is commonly called Filipino and a woman is called Filipina. The past few years have seen the emergence of a new race - the half-Filipino, half-Filipina - or in local language, the ''Bakla''. Scientists are baffled about how this new breed propagates, as there is no evidence that they ever get pregnant.

Filipino-Americans like Kirk Hammett have increased the awareness of Filipinos to metal and hard rock, but this has since been reduced by the appearance of that one guy from the Black Eyed Peas whom no one knows.

Paradise Philippines economy

2007-07-30T00:36:00.000-07:00

The Philippines' main exports are basically anything exported by Japan , China or any other Asian country with an alphabet that is so complicated that no average white or black shit could even begin to understand. They also export tapes of their natural and national disasters to CNN, but CNN only gives a shit for a day.
The Philippine Currency
The Philippine Currency

To help combat the nation's widespread poverty, the Philippines has implemented its own welfare system called ABS-CBN. Outreach programs like "Wowowee" and "Kapamilya Deal or No Deal" give local Filipino citizens and TFC subscribers hopes of fortune and 15 seconds of shout-out fame, as well as something to keep their minds off the fact that there is virtually no food on their table.

Earlier this century, the Paradise Philippines attempted to make itself stand out from the other Asian countries by emphasizing their sex trade. However, their attempts proved to be futile. Thailand proved to have the better sex trade since their transgendered hookers do that ping-pong ball trick.

Now, Philippines is fast becoming exporter of Mail-order bride with a motto of:

"Keep taking our girls, losers from other countries! We'll make more!

You too can find a wife even if you are considered a loser in your own country. In the Paradise Philippines you are always a winner!"

Underage sex is coming back in style, so all you pedophiles, renew your passports now! Hurry! The girls are growing!

Paradise Philippines Geography

2007-07-30T00:32:00.000-07:00

The Paradise Philippines is a group of islands along the Pacific Ring of Fire. By the time of this writing, it was in the midst of being swallowed by the wrath of Hell because its population is just downright stupid to vote for corrupt officials and then complain their asses off when the officials they elected are not doing their job.

Eventually, the Paradise Philippines will be a city similar to that of Atlantis II - entirely underwater. During the 2000 election, George Bush is said to have promised to launch an atomic bomb into Antarctica in an attempt to raise water levels to a higher rate.

Finally something positive on his record. This will end the Filipino diaspora and the citizens of the U.S. will finally get hold of their old jobs taken from them by the Filipinos - like driving cabs, picking fruits, collecting the garbage, flipping burgers, working at Costco or Target, etc.