How Many Blogs Does It Take To Change The Lightbulb Joke?

British Rail passengers ...

2007-04-03T06:40:00.000-07:00

I used the train last year for the first time in ages and found it to be a reasonably pleasant experience. I was travelling early morning from Norwich to London and it obviously wasn't so brilliant for those passengers who alighted at Colchester and Chelmsford, the last two stops, and found themselves standing.

We still have a long way to go on train travel, particularly if it is to compete with the low cost airlines. Fares need to come down, punctuality improved, and there does need to be additional carriages at certain times of the day, but it seems as if improvements are taking place.

This week has seen the French TGV train break its own speed record at around 357mph. If British trains attained that sort of speed, I just have this image of train staff serving teas and coffees ... whoaa!

Q: How many British Rail passengers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They missed the connection when making the change.

Doorstep Sellers ...

2007-03-30T09:52:00.000-07:00

When I were a small lad we lived in shoe box ... No, we didn't actually, we lived in a chalet bungalow in a Suffolk village called Bramfield ( catch up with The Bramfieldian here ) which was a great place to grow up.

Doorstep calling didn't seem quite so rife as it does now, but I do remember a very polite Seikh gentleman who would knock on the door every few months or so, carrying a suitcase packed with household items such as brushes, dusters etc. I suppose it was easier to sell such items then in rural areas because we didn't have any supermarkets close by, just a couple of village shops. My Mother would generally buy something from our Seikh friend and say goodbye until the next time. The likes of Bettaware have reinvented the home selling market, but generally door to door selling is just so old hat now, not to mention extremely annoying. Doorsteps sellers now have the training and the trickery. "I'm not trying to sell you anything today" Yeah, right, on your bike!

I remember a great sign I saw once which I keep meaning to hang up outside the front door. "Every third doorstep seller is shot. The second one has just left."

Q: How many doorstep sellers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I can tell you now, countless surveys have shown we are top for changing lightbulbs. How much are you currently paying? We can save you at least 50% on your current bill. You don't have to do a thing, except sign here to say you'll think about it, and here, and just here.

Magicians ...

2007-03-29T11:49:00.000-07:00

Magic is a hobby of mine and has been for a number of years now. I suppose it just started with a natural curiosity to find out how tricks were done, but as I started buying books and learning to perform effects I started to come up with my own. I've actually veered more to the mentalism side because that appealed to me more than the more conventional vanishes, transformations and levitations.

Over time I've built up a small collection of books on mentalism ( frightening if I add up the cost ) and because I enjoy solving puzzles I love to read and re-read these fascinating works and try and devise my own handling or method. Derren Brown has brought even more attention to this area of magic and my wife actually had the pleasure of being up on stage with him when he came to Norwich. My birthday treat and she gets to help out. Superb entertainment and a consumate professional. Derren Brown was good as well.

Q: How many magicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One to actually change it, probably into a Bengal tiger with the bulb lit up inside it, but then several more will debate the method, others will claim it's their effect, still more will announce their own version to feature in their forthcoming publication, while others will make futile posts on magic forum asking for the method.

Soap Stars ...

2007-03-29T11:36:00.000-07:00

What is it about the TV soaps that makes them such essential viewing for so many? Not me, I hasten to add. I did used to watch Corrie and Eastenders but just got bored with them. Unfortunately there are just so many love triangle combinations and complications with a small cast and it does get very repetitive.

Very often you'll see similar story lines crop up on different shows and you can soon spot echoes of past plots. Every now and then they try and spice it up with a death and disaster but even the Emmerdale who-dunnit has echoes of "Who Shot JR".

Too many shows per week to cram in and the quality is bound to suffer.

Q: How many soap stars does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six or seven, probably at a party when the lights go out. While someone goes off to find a new bulb the husband from one couple and the wife from another will get better acquainted, someone will get struck down with a blunt instrument, someone will try and use a lighter to see in the dark a bit too close to the leaking gas stove and the house blows up.

Publishers ...

2007-03-26T13:45:00.000-07:00

As I'm currently one short I'll throw in a quickie. I just don't care.

Q: How many publishers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one. They are quite capable of screwing both the bulb and the author.

Dentists ...

2007-03-26T13:32:00.000-07:00

I had a very bad dental experience when I was fifteen and it put me of visiting the dentist for years. It was decided I required four teeth out and a brace fitting. I was given gas to facilitate this operation and under I went. A very peculiar dream ensued with me on a roller coaster with some bizarre characters resembling Bertie Bassett.

Anyway, back to the real world and I'm feeling a bit rough. My mother drove me home and had to stop the car several times while I evacuated my breakfast. I then had to return for a dental impression and then the brace fitting and I just got fed up with the whole enterprise.

I certainly admire my daughter who has undergone a similar experience in the past eighteen months ( but with injection rather than gas for the extractions ) and has now finished with her brace. Tooth care though is so much better these days.

I do now go regularly and although I still find it an uncomfortable experience, I do accept it's necessary if I'm to avoid losing my choppers in the foreseeable future.

Q: How many dentists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, and his rather attractive dental nurse ( is there something going on there we wonder ) "Yes, I'm afraid that bulb will have to come out. Just a question of whether you want to leave a gap ( is it in a socket that can be seen easily? ), or perhaps you might consider replacing it with a false bulb. Let me show you some price comparisons."

Cricketers ...

2007-03-25T03:04:00.000-07:00

I've always loved watching cricket and when I was at school I always enjoyed playing it. Didn't have a huge talent with bat or ball, but made up for it with lots of enthusiasm.

My paternal grandfather was a big cricket fan and had played for his village team. The fact that he'd lost a leg during the First World War didn't stop him, and he went out to bat with a runner. ( For non cricket fans, he had someone else run between the wickets for him, but he faced the bowling )

He came to watch me once. I'd been persuaded to play for a town team by a friend and my family were there on a sunny Sunday afternoon. Sadly I went for a huge hit off the first ball and heard my stumps clatter. That was me back to the pavillion. My grandfather apparently was chatting to someone and missed my demise. It was back to watching the game after that.

Q: How many cricketers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because bad light stops play.

Farmers ...

2007-03-22T15:11:00.000-07:00

I'm off on one of my long day trips tomorrow so thought I'd post tomorrow today. This is a cheap shot at the farming community. Bless em. Used to say they were always moaning about how money was tight yet they always had cash to splash. These days there is perhaps the odd reason to curse their luck; low prices on livestock, various disease outbreaks, supermarket squeezing margins. One thing is never in doubt. We do need them. Milk, cheese, meat and produce didn't just appear in the shops as if by magic.

Q: How many farmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, unless he can get a subsidy for leaving it fallow.

Countdown Contestants ...

2007-03-22T06:51:00.000-07:00

Countdown, the TV words and numbers game, was the first programme broadcast on Channel 4, on November 2nd, 1982 and is was actually based on a French programme, "Des Chiffres et Des Lettres". Coincidentally the last two presenters have been Des ( Messers Lynham and O'Connor ). Whoa, how spooky is that?

Of course it is the shows original presenter, the late Richard Whiteley, who really helped the programme achieve the almost cult status it has. Together with the ever present Carol Vorderman, who has done pretty well for herself getting her name associated with anything vaguely mathimatical. When the Sudoku craze hit Britain she must have thought all her Christmases had arrived at once.

Amazingly this is another hugely popular show where there is no million pound jackpot, or holidays or electrical goods to be won. A bit like Mastermind, it really is the taking part that counts. Oh, and Carol as well.

Q: How many Countdown Contestants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One from the top, two, then one then two from the bottom.

Jedi Knights ...

2007-03-21T01:50:00.000-07:00

George Lucas certainly tapped into something when he created Star Wars. I doubt if even he could have forseen the billion dollar phenomenon that lay ahead. What he did was translate the Space Opera sub-genre of Science Fiction to the movie screen, perhaps best illustrated by that iconic ( and much copied ) opening shot of the huge space ship roaring in from above the screen.

Space Opera doesn't pay too much attention to the laws of physics. Spaceships roar in space and manouver as if in an atmosphere, but the stories are the important thing; classic good versus evil on a grand scale.

I've borrowed this list from Wikipedia to describe the classic elements of Space Opera:

• Setting
- Outer Space or distant planet

• Characters
- Aliens usually speak English, possibly with an accent and tend to be humanoid
- Depth of character development and description can vary but some people refuse to apply the term ‘space opera’ to a work with well-developed characterization
- Often no shades of gray in characters; they are good or evil

• Plot
- Set apart from other science fiction sub-genres by ultimate good vs. evil stories
- Large scale, planet/galaxy/universe depends on survival of hero’s civilization
- Romance components
- Formulaic
- Space battles

• Technology
- Ray-guns or a gun-like weapon
- Robots
- Spaceships

• Scientific plausibility
- Spaceships violate laws of physics with faster-than-light travel. Also they can have unrealistic maneuverability and rarely need to decelerate.
- Diverge from known physical reality invoking paranormal forces or vast powers capable of destroying planets, stars or galaxies

Q: How many Jedi Knights does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Once a bulb has gone over to the dark side there is no way back.

Clowns ...

2007-03-20T01:36:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid I've never seen the funny side of clowns. Whenever I've watched a circus and the clowns have come on to do their thing, it's just left me cold. Which is strange, because I have a varied taste in humour and I enjoy the occasional bit of slapstick.

Then again I was also never impressed with Charlie Chaplin. Loved Laurel and Hardy and always found them so much more amusing. Chaplin, for all his skill and agility just didn't hit the funny bone at all. I can't say it is an age thing because clowning around never appealed to me as a child, either going to the Hippodrome Circus in Great Yarmouth, or watching Billy Smart's Circus at Christmas on TV.

I suppose that's it. You love 'em or you hate 'em. Just no in between with clowns.

Q: How many clowns does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Usually about five plus an exploding car. Lots of problems getting a ladder in place, people getting squirted with water, custard pies, elastic braces, oh and watch out for that plank of wood!

Football Managers ...

2007-03-19T01:54:00.000-07:00

Funny old game being a football manager. You're only as good as your last game and it just takes a run of bad results to put your job in peril. Sometimes you just need one good result to turn your fortunes around. Sometimes that result doesn't come. Put that together with the dreaded 'vote of confidence' from the Chairman and you know you're on your way. Time to take up something less hazardous - like alligator wrestling.

Q: How many Football Managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2, if you're lucky. One will get the sack for taking the lightbulb down from the dizzy heights and bright lights. It may just take the next one to get the bulb back up where it belongs, but if he fails then someone else will take over.

Screenwriters ...

2007-03-18T03:52:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder how some films are made. Perhaps more to the point with some films, why they are made. I often think that looking at British film output, particularly where Lottery funding has been obtained. In one sense you want funding to be available for British films, so at least we can compete with the Hollywood factory, but we also want entertaining output, not some turgid self-indulgent piece starring a host of luvvies but which nobody wants to watch.

You also don't want turgid piles of poo posing as British comedy, such as "Sex Lives of the Potato Men". We can do comedy and we can do it well. However, we do produce a lot of rubbish. You'd just think that someone atv a high enough level would say "Whoa! Hold on. This stinks!"

I should also add that Hollywood obviously produces its fair share of hideous cinematic fayre, "Norbit" being a recent example, but they can take care of themselves. Oh for a British film industry that consistently produces entertaining movies that we all want to watch.

Q: How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten.
1st draft. Hero changes light bulb.
2nd draft. Villain changes light bulb.
3rd draft. Hero stops villain from changing light bulb. Villain falls to death.
4th draft. Lose the light bulb.
5th draft. Light bulb back in. Fluorescent instead of tungsten.
6th draft. Villain breaks bulb, uses it to kill hero's mentor.
7th draft. Fluorescent not working. Back to tungsten.
8th draft. Hero forces villain to eat light bulb.
9th draft. Hero laments loss of light bulb. Doesn't change it.
10th draft. Hero changes light bulb.

Consultants ...

2007-03-17T06:50:00.000-07:00

In recent years the job to be in is consultancy. Call yourself a consultant on virtually any topic and you're in! Look at any major Government project and dig into the costs to unearth the exhorbitant consultancy fees. Where would we be without them? Well, judging by the outcome of many high profile projects a lot better off financially and the projects themselves would have been delivered a lot more efficiently.

Add them to my expanding list of professions nobody would miss if they disappeared.

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One consultancy firm, but the process will take six months, bids will be tendered for the change, and the cost will rise from an initial estimate of £5000 to £250,000 by the time the bulb is changed.

University Lecturers ...

2007-03-16T09:55:00.000-07:00

I had to smile recently when University Lecturers were campaigning for some ridiculous percentage rise in their salary. Given the amount of holiday time and the actual number of lectures they carry out I reckon their rate per hour worked is pretty damned good.

Friends of mine whose kids are going through University at the moment are amazed at how infrequent lectures are. True the student must put in their own hours of research and study, and lecturers must be available for one on one and group discussions, but I just feel they have an over eggagerated view of their own worth.

Plus, in common with a lot of people who live and breathe academia, they have no common sense whatsoever.

Q: How many University Lecturers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They can give you the science of how the bulb works, it's history and development, it's manufacturing process, it's social impact, and philosophical arguements for its existence. As for changing it? Ah, well that's what the janitor is there for.

Tina Turner fans ...

2007-03-16T09:41:00.000-07:00

Both of you regular readers will have observed correctly that I missed the post yesterday. I was busy with a work project and busy on The Jester site adding some new content. If you want to check out what I was up to you can catch up with the all new Bramfieldian Headlines.
There is a theme running through my three main web projects and that is original humour. I try to create as much new stuff on this blog as I can, I have a joke creation workshop on The Jester site, plus the aforementioned Headlines, and I have a Squidoo Lens based around and containing original jokes. All three help to sharpen the mind and I'm writing more material at the moment than I have done for a long time. Whether it's funny is not down to me but to those that read it, but I hope it's all being enjoyed.

All of which has got nothing to do with Tina Turner.

Q: How many Tina Turner fans does it take to change a lightbulb.
A: It takes two, baby. Me and you.

Ninja ...

2007-03-14T01:18:00.000-07:00

For diversion I occasionally wander at random through Wikipedia. If you've never visited this online repository of anything and everything the do yourself a favour, take half an hour out and give it a look. It's a collaborative effort and because of the sheer size of the undertaking there is always help required. It is an extraordinary site by any standards, but simply invaluable as a reference tool.

I was foraging today and found this under Ninja:

A ninja may have been an assassin or spy in Japanese culture, usually trained for stealth. Appearing in fourteenth century feudal Japan, and active from the Kamakura to the Edo period, their roles may have included sabotage, espionage, scouting, and assassination missions, perhaps in the service of feudal rulers (daimyo or shogun). Since the art of stealth killing leaves no witness, the truth about ninja will likely remain hidden.

It then goes on to detail the history, culture, clothing and weapons of the Ninja. I was just looking for some reference material for another piece I was writing, but as I'd paused on that page I thought I might as well use it here.

Q: How many Ninja does it take to ... ah. Seems to be a new bulb in already, and no sign of the old one. Plus, the room was locked and the windows barred.

Glam Rock Fans ...

2007-03-13T01:36:00.000-07:00

How music has changed in half a century. My first introduction to music being played at home was listening to 78's on a wind up gramaphone. In my teens I began to collect singles and LP's for myself, as well as recording 'pop' music from the radio on to a reel to reel tape recorder.

Now my daughter has a huge amount of music stored on an MP3 player no bigger than a keyring. How much longer before we dispense with buying CD's altogether and simply rely on downloading what we want? And what's next? We've had 78's, Vinyl, reel to reel magnetic tape, cassette tape, 8-Track ( anyone still got an 8-track? ), laser disc, CD's, DVD's, iPods and MP3's.

Funnily enough, I still have a sizeable vinyl collection of mainly 70's LP's and there's always great pleasure in rediscovering tracks I first listened to all those years ago. For listening to music at home I'm still happy with an old fashioned record player.

Q: How many glam rock fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because they just love The Darkness.

Style Consultants ...

2007-03-12T01:22:00.000-07:00

There's a strange modern phenomenon; the style consultant. A bit like the interior designer and the wedding planner. Their sole function in life is to tell us that we are totally inadequate at thinking for ourselves and that we can't manage a particular area of our lives without them; certainly for those that have more money than sense.

I have this antagonism towards the fashion industry anyway. My wife constantly tells me I have no fashion sense, but what is fashion? Why is brown this year's green? Who gives a stuff? Wear what you like and just be comfortable. Fashion is just another big con ( see my Modern Art post ).

The truth is that if all these consultants suddenly disappeared off the face of the planet, the world would still revolve, life would carry on as normal, and they wouldn't be missed at all.

Q: How many style consultants does it take to change a lightbulb.
A: I don't think you can ever change a lightbulb. They are very set in what their position is in life and their role, and although they can be very illuminating on a lot of subjects they are just very set in their ways. I did take one out once. Cinema, meal and nightclub; but I found it to be very dull outside the comfort of its own environment.

Marxist-Leninists ...

2007-03-11T03:37:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday ( again ), the sun is shining and the lawn is beckoning. I managed to mow down most of the back lawn yesterday and was amazed that our 14 year old petrol mower started first time. It's patched over with heavy duty tape but is still cutting the grass and getting most of it into the container at the back.

Today then no time to dilly dally writing blogs. I am being called away by the first real spring like weather - and the wife! Thus, I pop into my lightbulb cupboard and retrieve the following for your daily delictation.

Q: How many Marxist-Leninists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The internal conflict inherent in the bulb will intensify, and naturally lead to a state of revolution.

CB Truckers ...

2007-03-10T03:09:00.000-08:00

Remember the CB craze? Big in the 70's. Well it was in the UK. I've still got CW McCall's album featuring Convoy, which loosely formed the basis for the 1978 film of the same name. As much as I love Sam Peckinpah films ( "The Wild Bunch" one of my all time favourites ) Convoy wasn't up there with his best, but it just piggy backed the CB craze.

I suppose it was the fascinating language of the CB air waves that caught the attention. Based around the 10 codes, it covered all aspects of driving long distances on US highways, which never quite translated as well to the much shorter and more tortuous roads in the UK.

"Convoy" the song brilliantly wove this unique language into the lyrics:
Was the dark of the moon, on the sixth of June
In a Kenworth, pullin' logs
Cabover Pete with a reefer on
And a Jimmy haulin' hogs
We 'as headin' fer bear on I-One-Oh
'Bout a mile outta Shaky-Town
I sez Pig-Pen, this here's the Rubber Duck
An' I'm about to put the hammer on down

And there is always this battle with law enforcement as a secondary theme. I love CB references to the police:
"Smokey in a plain brown wrapper" – a law officer in an unmarked police car.
"Kojak with a Kodak" – a law officer monitoring traffic with a radar gun.
"Gum ball machine" – refers to a popular style of rotating mirror light used by many state police and some other law enforcement agencies.

Q: How many CB Truckers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 10-4, good buddy. Look's like I've got a black eye, and a bear on my tail.

Minority Rights Activists ...

2007-03-09T12:57:00.000-08:00

Certain groups of people get very exercised over certain issues. Gay Rights; Animal Rights; Women's Rights. I suppose if you believe in something that strongly then it is your democratic right to march in large numbers with placards and a megaphone shouting "When do we want it? Now!"

Mind you we've moved on a bit in terms of direct action now, with animal rights loonies leading the way in utilising terrorists methods to further their cause. Am I exercised about any of this? No.

Here in Norfolk we're a bit more laid back about things. Apathy rules, OK. Anyone? Oh well, never mind.

Q: How many Minority Rights Activists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why should the bulb have to change for society to accept it.

Idiots ...

2007-03-07T09:15:00.000-08:00

You know what? As I'm not going to have time tomorrow to post I'm going to double post today. As both of you will know this isn't a unique situation, I have added an extra post before if I felt the urge. Today is a very quick throw away day anyway. Damn, I'm gibbering like an idiot.

Q: How many idiots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: It just takes one idiot to screw it up for the rest of us.

Whalers ..

2007-03-07T07:38:00.000-08:00

Not very inspired today. Probably thinking about a long car journey I have to make for work tomorrow. So today's change is a bit off the wall. No personal recollections; no witty anecdotes. just this

Q: How many whalers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Light off the starboard bow! Tha she blows!

Actors ...

2007-03-06T02:39:00.000-08:00

Many years ago I belonged to one or two amateur dramatic groups and I had great fun. It's a huge commitment, particularly in the run up to performance, but the buzz of being on stage, the nerves, the mishaps, the applause. Not so easy now to mix family life and the amateur stage, unless everyone is involved and willing to regularly attend rehearsals and help with all the ancillary tasks; set building, costumes, props, and box office.

There isn't another hobby quite like it, certainly one that generates as many funny stories of things going wrong. I can remember a play where we had to get a car on stage; a farce that was so complicated we had all our moves pinned up backstage so we could remember the next door to enter from; various pantomimes with so much being made up as we went along; and a production of Dracula that was just so much fun. At one time I had three productions on the go at one time, with three different groups, and I was rehearsing something nearly every night. I don't think my stamina or memory would cope these days, but a lot of happy memories to look back on.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but what's my motivation, Darling? Am I drawn to it out of pity or guilt or remorse. Do you want pathos with the removal of the dead bulb. I do pathos very well. When I deliver my line, "The bulb's gone." do you want me in the armchair at that point, or standing just under it?