A Conversation With A Homeless Person

Shitty Ketchup

2006-10-23T20:51:00.000-05:00

Hello dears. Let me tell you something about sinking feelings. Today my coworker Fiona came up to the office and said "Hey, that deli across the street is closed. I don't know, some yellow sign on the door said they were closed." I thought, 'That's weird, it must be some kind of Jewish holiday or something.' So afterwork I go across the street to the deli, as I am sometimes wont to do, to buy cigarettes. And then I remember the sign, and then I see the sign and it says "Closed by the New York Department of Health and Mental Welfare." And then I remember the sandwiches I ate. And then I think about how many fucking filthy places there are in New York, and how those are still open. So for a place to actually get shut down, there must have been shit in the ketchup or something. For the rest of the day all I've been doing is trying not to think about that deli.

I'm trying to blog more, call it an October resolution. We'll see how it goes.

Grinding.

2006-10-21T15:15:00.000-05:00

Back from a day of hunting for apartments. I'm subleasing in Greenpoint right now, and my lease ends next week so the last few weeks have been spent grinding away on Craigslist, trying to find a living situation that could be bearable for a whole year. My mom likes to (try to) help. She browses Craigslist with nearly as much fervor as I do, and usually sends me four or five postings a day. After seeing a place today, I called her and she said "$710 for a place in Williamsburg!? That's unheard of!" My mom knows enough about New York real estate at this point I think she'd have no problem moving here and navigating between neighborhoods. She even knows about the sketchy ends of Brooklyn, and that Park Slope is full of lesbians. We'll see how this apartment thing turns out, that last one was really awesome. Brick house, with wrought iron gates and those torch holding things (what are those called?). If it works out, you can come visit me and see it.

Yo! Fuckin Snorlax OWNS in This Movie!

2006-10-02T20:31:00.000-05:00

Every once in a while you half to stop and say "New Jersey, you put a lot of shit into the world, but this makes up for it. Thank you, New Jersey."

Hey, What's Up?

2006-09-28T18:11:00.000-05:00

Photo: John Loomis

As you may have heard, some things in my life are different.

- I live in New York now, Brooklyn to be exact.
- I live in a small crappy apartment with a Frenchman and a French Poodle. The man's main hobbies are photography, worrying and being French. The poodle's hobby is digging last night's meal out of the garbage and eating it on my bed while I'm at work.
- I work for the Duchess of York, commonly known as Fergie. She is not the same thing as Fergie the singer, who recently released an album called The Duchess.
- This job is temporary, so who knows what I'll be doing in a couple of months.

Other things that consume my time lately:

- John Loomis has started blogging again, and his posts make me look forward to being in my late twenties and having some pale figment of a career.
- I'm (probably) going back to Missouri in November, to bring the joy of music back to the streets of Columbia. DJ Crucial will be helping.
- DJing is coming along slowly here, but when Low Budget, Diplo or Spankrock is playing here on any given week I mostly tend to focus on getting hyphy, and letting them tend to dispensing the jams.
- I still don't have cable, so someone should send me Project Runway email summaries.
- In fact, emails in general have proven themselves to be delightful.
- Still trying to take more photos; "trying" is the active word there. Hopefully a Ventana update soon.

Fuck you Bank of America

2006-09-10T12:44:00.000-05:00

Just because I'm making big moves and charging large amounts at department stores (Because I neeeeeed those sweaters) doesn't mean my card has been stolen. Thanks for making me miss the weekend, assholes.

Hellooooooooo Brooklyn!

2006-09-05T12:22:00.000-05:00

I was there!

Awesome

2006-08-30T22:50:00.000-05:00

PS - I'm in New York now. All is well, and will be er... weller when I get a place and a job. Cross yo fingas, do the twist!

Mudd Up!

2006-08-14T13:20:00.000-05:00

For those who have been sleeping, Jace Clayton (known to most as DJ/Rupture) runs a nice little blog that's dedicated to thoughtful political commentary and golden nuggets of various Asian musics that he digs up. Today, he sticks it to The New York Times, President Bush, Abraham Lincoln, and pretty much everyone else you could think of.

Our Danger is More in Safetey

(via Mudd Up!)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

2006-08-12T21:32:00.000-05:00

Well played Myspace, well played.

Microtronix

2006-08-01T16:08:00.000-05:00

Chris Hires - Microtronix

Here's a lil minimal mix I did for the Fathertronix Monthly Mix Contest. The entry deadline passed last night, so I think it's safe to up it here now. It's mostly german Kompakt type shit, with a gnarly song by The Books tacked on the end. Download it and then drop some ex, you'll freak out.

Edit: Tracklist per Aaron's request:

SCSI-9 - Mini
Kaito - Hundred Million Lightyears
Broker/Dealer - Boots and Pants
MFA - The Difference It Makes
Metronomy - This Could Be Beautiful (It Is)
The Knife - Silent Shout
James Figurine - Ruining The Sundays
Lindstrøm - I Feel Space
The Books - An Animated Description of Mr. Maps

There will be a new party and fire shit mix coming out with a bunch of club stuff I've been feeling soon, and it will be including a few exclusive remixes done by yours truly. Keep your ear to the ground!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111one1!!!!

2006-07-26T11:59:00.000-05:00

Right now I'm waiting on a phonecall from Diplo and Bonde Do Role, and also recording new mixes. Details on both to come.

Shake Down!

2006-07-10T02:09:00.000-05:00

I've been busy for a minute, so sorry for lack of updates. I'm turning 21 on wednesday, and you should come to Shattered to help me celebrate.

So I'm watching ABC news at 2am (what, I only get two channels and I stay up late. Wanna fight about it?) and they just played "1979" by the Smashing Pumpkins during the weather report. If you ask me, that kicks the shit out of all the light jazz that the Weather Channel makes me suffer through.

Recent heat:

Gnarls Barkley - Crazy (Remix feat. Kardinal Offishal)
Kelis - Bossy (Alan Braxe and Fred Falke Remix)
Rhyme Fest - Devil's Pie (via Ninja Slice)
Outkast - Morris Brown
Teki Latex - Disco Dance With You (Spankrock Remix feat. Amanda Blank)

Get Familiar

2006-06-22T12:44:00.000-05:00

Here's a quick blend I did of various versions of the new Chinkuzi riddim. Probably my favorite riddim to come out this year, South Rakkas continues to blow the doors off of what's going on in dancehall.

V/A - Chinkuzi Riddim
Tracks:

Busy Signal - Busy
Vybz Kartel - Good Buddy
Vybz Kartel - Good Buddy (Remix)
Bounty Killer - Gal Fi Get (Remix)

This will likely be played at Shattered, where I'm DJing on Friday incase you forgot. Don't sleep on it!

Fucking Hell

2006-06-17T17:48:00.000-05:00

Where the fuck is my Coozie!? I just realized I've been massively delinquent when it comes to drinking. I seem to recall that at some point (around January?) that I had pledged to only drink from a coozie when imbibing alcohol, whether it be in a bar or a home. I need my beverage to be insulated! I need to have rubber to insulate my drink, and also make offensive jokes at the same time! When I get off work I'm gonna find it and then get drunk.

Disco Boots

2006-06-14T23:05:00.000-05:00

CHRIS HIRES
DOLLAR BEER CANS
SHATTERED
FRIDAY AFTER THIS ONE

Also, I'll be DJing Mad Real Monday on July 3, keep your eyes and ears open for that one. There may or may not be a flyer for that event coming soon.

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?

2006-06-13T20:17:00.000-05:00

I guess when I'm home and bored and not working, and have no money to spend, I might as well fill up my time by blogging.

Gawker pointed out that the Wall Street Journal is reporting on the new "trend" of wedding photographers taking racier photographs of the bride as she's getting dressed for the wedding. I've got a lot of beef with this one, mostly for painting photographers as these pervs who charge thousands of dollars to take pictures of women in their underwear. They even use the phrase "so-called wedding photojournalists" as if wedding photography is a fabricated industry designed to take money from rich people (I mean, it is, but so is every other industry). The article also paints this as a "sign of the times" (when in fact this style of photography has been happening at weddings for years and years, before I ever held a camera), and points to factors like reality TV and increasingly liberal sexual values on the part of women, as evidenced by Bachlorette parties that rival the men as far as drunken crazyness. So women aren't allowed to be sexual now? They aren't allowed to be portrayed in a respectful way, that also displays their sexuality? I think that someone at the WSJ has beef with cleavage, and they need to stop blaming that shit on photographers. Move to Iran if you don't like it. And I don't even like wedding photography! The hours are long, it's boring, you have to wrangle family members and you wind up shooting and printing thousands of photos each weekend. People think it's crazy to pay $10,000 for a wedding photographer, but $10,000 is barely enough to make me put myself through that hell.

You can read the WSJ article here.

Now, on to Fear Factor and Joe Rogan

I'm more ambivalent about Fear Factor and Joe Rogan than most people are. My all-time third favorite hairstylist Jackson won a lot of money (think 7 figures) on that show with his wife. (In case you're wondering, the hair list goes 1. Robert, 2. Christian, 3. Jackson.) Joe Rogan was a groomsman at his wedding. Joe Rogan seems like one of those dudes who got out of college and didn't know what he wanted to do with his life. Maybe he thought "Well, I was really good at being a frat guy. Maybe I should be a professional frat guy for the rest of my life." Tonight I watched Fear Factor because I only get two channels and According To Jim was on the other one. Maybe it's because I recently returned from a 4 month TV vacation, but I thought it wasn't a bad show. There was an aligator, some car wrecks, large breasts, pretty much everything that makes this country so great. Then at the end they cut to the Fear Factor Home Invasion segment. Apparently this is something new where they show up at someone's house in Bumblefuck, West Virginia at 10pm and set up a stunt in their front yard. The family members then compete in the stunt to earn $5,000. The thing that's ok about regular Fear Factor is that these idiots actually signed up for this shit, and most of them are well enough off that it doesn't matter if they win or lose. They either win some money for being an idiot or they look like an idiot and they go home with no money and their friends laugh at them. That seems like a fair trade to me. But when you show up to a lower class home in the middle of the night and make them dunk their heads in lard to go bobbing for rotten pigs feet (not an embelishment, this is what actually took place on TV tonight), all the while waiving $5,000 over their heads, THAT my friend is where you've crossed a line. Literally exploiting poor people, laughing at them while they do gross shit just so they can pay their rent or feed their kids, that's got to be one of the worst things I've ever seen. Joe Rogan and the assorted other producers of Fear Factor, you can eat a dick.

I Like Coffee

2006-06-13T14:05:00.000-05:00

Mathew Herbert - An Empire of Coffee

This curious little gem showed up in my iTunes this afternoon as I was contemplating a nap. I have no idea where this song came from, or how it wound up on my harddrive. It's a weird one though, almost like a short film of a song, rather than a dance track. More things later.

I know nothing about football (soccer).

2006-06-04T20:54:00.000-05:00

That's right, absolutely nothing. Every four years I see everyone get psyched about the world cup, and I have no idea about any of it. Ok, so here are some things that I know about soccer:

1. Brazil is supposedly very good at soccer
2. It's the most physically demanding sport in the world
3. When I played soccer at age 5, I was the kid who was afraid of the ball and ran away from it. I was in it for the orange slices and the Capri Sun.

So in order to correct this, I picked up a copy of Fever Pitch by Nick Hornby today when I was browsing at Barnes and Noble. Turns out that the book is not really about baseball, is supposedly not shitty (Nick Hornby is generally not a shitty writer), and there are absolutely NO mentions of Jimmy Fallon in it. I haven't started it yet, but I'm excited to get on with my education. Apparently there is something called Arsenal, which I guess is a team but I think that's a pretty dumb name, I can't even tell what city they're from. I guess they're a big deal though. I don't have TV, so I probably won't get to watch very much of the World Cup, but when I read about it on the internerd I hope to understand what's going on.

Update: The girl who just delivered my pizza was very hot. She got lost, and I still tipped her well because she was so focused. I've decided that I will be carrying on the great American tradition of emulating behavior seen on TV by ordering pizza as often as possible (the behavior in question can be seen on episodes of "Friends"). In addition, according to pornography I will only have to order no more than three pizzas before we have sex.

It's Not Rocket Surgery

2006-05-24T23:25:00.000-05:00

Tips for buying storage from me over the phone:

- Don't call me at 10:30 at night wanting to get a storage unit. The place is closed, and you didn't just get evicted 5 minutes ago. Act like you got some sense.
- When I ask you what you want to store, don't say "stuff." Yes, I'm sure you're storing stuff. We have lots of great unit sizes that can store "stuff," but unless you give me a better answer than "stuff," I'm afraid I'm going to have to say that the best unit size for you is a climate controlled "go fuck yourself."
- Don't call me, ask me questions and then repeat everything I say to a person who is standing RIGHT NEXT TO YOU. Give the phone to your friend and say "This person knows what you need, talk to them and then give them your credit card information." (Note: This scenario is forgivable when the person standing next to you does not speak english).
- Don't call me if you don't speak english.
- I'm not going to tell you every size and price. There are many of them, let's narrow it down. If you're storing a three bedroom house, you aren't going to need the price for a 5x5.
- If I tell you what size unit you need, that's the size you need. Don't argue with me. You aren't going to convince me that your two bedroom apartment will fit in a 5x10.
- I can't take a bill payment over the phone. Really, it's not "fucking stupid" if you think about it. If you'd just pay the fucking thing when they send it to you, you wouldn't have to call me and yell at me.
- There are no 24 hour storage facilities in New York. I know you might have to go into your unit and retrieve something at 5am after a massive coke binge, but you just can't do that here. Either plan ahead or go to New Jersey.

Bottlerockets Are The New Airhorns

2006-05-15T14:39:00.000-05:00

So if you weren't there (and don't lie, I know you weren't), here's a snippet of my set at the weird Techno/BBQ/Rave that I played at DJ Gucci's house on Saturday. It's pretty heavy on the housey stuff (when in rome and whatnot), which I usually only play at open decks or at parties when no one is paying attention. This is the first third, which was probably the best chunk. Here it is, enjoy:

Chris Hires - Live at DJ Gucci's Techno BBQ
Tracklist:

Whatever Jackson was playing before me
Le Tigre - After Dark (A Touch of Class Remix)
Erlend Øye - The Black Keys Work (Phonique Remix Instrumental)/Missy Elliot - Gossip Folk
Mylo - Doctor Pressure
Daft Punk - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger (Jesse & Crabb Remix)/Spankrock - Put That Pussy On Me
Diplo - Buy It, Use It (Instrumental)
Les Visiteurs - Snoop's Acid Drop
Cajmere - Percolator
Hot Chip - Over and Over (Solid Groove Remix)
Switch - A Bit Patchy

Hardly Working

2006-05-14T17:37:00.000-05:00

As it turns out, no one wants to buy a storage unit on Mother's day. I've answered 20 calls in the 4 hours I've been here (my average for a 7 hour shift is between 70-90).

A woman in Washington just called me to tell me that her husband is locked in a storage unit, and he doesn't know where he is. I got disconnected from her while dialing the emergency numbers, but I'm guessing they'll probably get him out eventually.

A portion of my set during last night's performance at DJ Gucci's Techno BBQ will be uploaded later tonight. Consider yourself lucky, you can hear the music without having to deal with the terrifying sight of ravers in daylight. There were times when I was glad to be playing to an empty bedroom (just like at home!).

Recent iTunes hotness:

The Knife - Silent Shout
E-40 - Tell Me When To Go (Sinden Remix)
Kelis - Bossy (Switch Remix)
Hot Chip - Over and Over (Solid Groove Remix)
TI - What You Know (Hard Times Remix)
James Murphy - Live at Big Day Out (2006)
Afrodisiac Sound System - Pretty much everything they have out
DJ Gorky - Lemon-Red Mix, May 2006
Curtis Vodka/Capski - Fathertronix Monthly Mix Winners
The Beegees - You Should Be Dancing
The Jackson 5 - It's Great To Be Here

It's PEOPLE!

2006-05-09T17:03:00.000-05:00

Smell that? Nope, I didn't burn the potroast (it's still marinating!). That smell, which seems to be more dominate in the last week than ever before, is the smell of people cremating.

...yeah, I know.

I guess this is part of the territory when you live two blocks from a funeral home. Daily smell schedule is as follows:

10am - 2pm: Coffee
2pm-5pm: Burning people
5pm-8pm: Steak (CC's Broiler is across the street)

Yeah, I could probably do away with the last two by closing my windows and using some febreeze, but then I'd have you use the A/C, and I'm not about to start paying those crazy electric bills.

Oh Shit!

2006-05-03T02:09:00.000-05:00

Ay!

2006-04-24T15:00:00.000-05:00

Juelz Santana IS crack. Have you heard? For the uninitiated, Juelz has a bit of a penchant for flipping the most bananas samples ever, and then putting them out on mixtapes (he averages about 4 or 5 a year). I would say he's the greatest mixtape artist out, but Papoose (who hails himself as "the mixtape artist of your fucking life!") flipped "Love Is A Battlefield" on his last one and I think he's still in the lead. Not that Juelz isn't giving 150% though:

Juelz Santana - From Bottom To Top

This is so huge and epic it makes me want to buy a horse, or win a sports championship or something.

Hey Columbians

2006-04-21T01:02:00.000-05:00

Come tomorrow night to get an invite to the secret private party I'm doing on Saturday night.