Yoda's Blog

I've Moved!

2009-04-17T06:30:00.000-07:00

That's right! I'm moving up in the Web 2.0 world, and I'm taking my blog with me. This cat is going places. Stay up to date and visit my new blog here: http://www.rivercitystudio.com/blogs

For a moment, there was peace.

2009-03-19T11:03:00.000-07:00

How’s a cat supposed to sleep with all this racquet?!?!

I had it so good for a month. The team was respectful; they walked at a normal pace, usually wore shoes with soft soles and kept their voices to easy tones.

…and then she was back. I think it’s Deb. She’s much more tan than I remember! Oh but I would know that walk anywhere. Click, click-click-click, click as she all but runs past with a flurry of papers and no understanding of an “indoor voice”.

While she was gone, I would hear her voice from that box with wires talking to the team, directing things. They would nod and then scatter, heading to their spaces, fingers flying across that silver thing with buttons. Then I would go back to sleep.

So she’s back. So I’m awake. So I’m tired. So I’m plotting my revenge.

I left her chair alone while she was away, no need to disturb things in her office in her absence. Now, I’ve taken to laying in her chair and shedding as much as possible. Those clothes of hers will never look the same, ha, ha! Sometimes I even roll in the nip before taking over her chair.

Next, I’ll find a way to put rubber casings on her heels. Then, maybe then, I’ll sleep.

Why am I inside!

2009-03-19T11:01:00.000-07:00

The weather is changing and finally spring may be arriving. Gone are the cold, gray, bleak days of winter. Here are the days filled with bird songs, warm rays of light and the laughter of children enjoying the simple pleasures of a water sprinkler.

At least, that’s what I am told. I don’t know because they don’t let me leave the office.

What, are you afraid I will run away? Where could I possible go? I don’t know anyone outside of this building, and I can’t call any of you because you refuse to give me your cell phone numbers.

Still, it does look pretty crazy out there, and I am fond of tuna, of which there seems to be little outside my window. I guess I’ll stay inside for now, just don’t take it for granted.

It's a New Year!

2009-01-23T08:32:00.001-08:00

Well, 2009 has arrived, and with it comes a new opportunity to make resolutions that I have no intention of keeping. With that in mind, I present my list of 2009 New Years Resolutions. Enjoy!

Find better places to take naps. Stop settling for just anywhere.
Be nice to Melia. Kill’em with kindness.
Stop throwing up when there are visitors. It doesn’t seem to impress anyone anymore.
Demand filtered water. Hey, why not.
Start saving for retirement. I’m not getting any younger.
Start earning money. I’ve got to start saving for retirement.
Ignore more people. I have been giving way too many people way too much attention.
Get into shape. Because fat cats get very little respect.

T'is the Season

2008-12-24T09:16:00.000-08:00

Its here! Its here! Christmas is almost here! I can’t wait, I am so excited. I already received my gift; a new mouse-shaped chew toy! I played with it for 5 minutes and now it disinterests me completely.

In case you were wondering here are my holiday plans.

Christmas Eve
Noon: Everyone takes a half day and leaves the office. I act sad and pathetic to make them think I will miss them.
1pm to 6pm: Sleep
6pm to 11pm: Roam office and mess with stuff
11pm to 1am: Wait for Santa

Christmas Day
1am to 1:05am: Pounce on Santa and eat the cookies I left him
1:05am to 9am: Explore different places and positions to sleep in the office
9am to 9:05am: Give Melia her gift
9:05 to 9:06am: Get hit by Melia for no reason
9:06 to 9:07am: Regret getting Melia a gift
9:07 to 11am: Look out the window
11am to 2pm: Meow at different objects to see if they are alive
2pm to 4pm: Feel the Christmas spirit
4pm to 12am: Sleep

I know, it’s quite a couple days of activities. But it only happens once a year. I hope all of your holiday plans are fun, relaxing, exciting, or whatever you need them to be. Happy Holidays, and Merry Christmas.

Oh, look! A new chew toy! Has this always been here?

Things I am Thankful For

2008-11-26T14:27:00.001-08:00

Pill Pocket food treats
Cat nip
Human laps
That spot on Nathan’s desk
That spot on Scotty’s desk
That spot by the window
That spot on the floor
That other spot on the floor
Chin scratches
Ear scratches
Forehead scratches
Tummy rubs
Back rubs
Naps
Lynda
Sunlight
Friendly visitors
Clean litter box
Melia…

OK, I can take or leave Melia

I am Yoda, and I am thankful.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2008-11-26T14:24:00.000-08:00

When I am not busy eating to the point of sleepiness, or looking for a place to sleep, I am sleeping. I enjoy it greatly, as I excel at it, and have been told it is when I am most cute.

That is why I was so excited to hear about the current state of the US and global economy. Poor economy means less business, and less business means less stomping around the office, less talking loudly on the phone, and less turning corners without looking where you are going and stepping on someone’s tail (you know who you are).

Unfortunately, such is not the case at River City.

For some inexplicable reason, River City continues to do business, continues to bring in new faces to the office, and continues to talk loudly on the phone even when you may be lying so peacefully next to them, purring gently, and not at all deserving of someone yelling excitedly in your ear about site designs and database programming.

So, to counter this attack of sleep canceling activities, I have started to hide myself away to the darkest corners of Nathan’s office. There I sleep in peace. My lullaby is the soft pecking of a keyboard. My blanket is the warm air blowing out of the computer. My pillow is what appears to be some important document.

I am Yoda, and I am hiding.

Cats Need Comedy

2008-09-12T13:07:00.000-07:00

So, I don’t get out of the office much, in so much as I work at the office, live at the office and never leave the office. However, if I was to leave the office this weekend, I know exactly were I would go.

The Kansas City Improv Festival!

This weekend features 12 of the best improv groups in the city, with 4 different groups performing Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night at 7, at the Union Station Theater. With tickets only $15, it is an event that can’t be missed.

For more information, go to http://kcimprov.com/festival/

Now, before you go accusing me of being a member of any of these improv groups, and using my blog as a shameless opportunity to plug, I will remind you that this is impossible, as I am a cat, and cannot manipulate my vocal cords in the manner necessary to deliver a whacky make-‘em-up. I am, however, close friends with several of them, and they are funny as hell, and should be supported in any way possible, including going to their shows, offering them cash money prizes, and going on dates with them.

Man, I wish I could go. Cats love to laugh; we just do it on the inside, like an insecure high school girl who so desperately wants to be liked by the popular crowd that she suppresses her open minded and charismatic side so that she can replace it with a judgmental witch of a person.

At least, that’s what I’m told.

Cats With Four Ears and Why I Want to be One

2008-08-29T14:20:00.000-07:00

I have just heard of two other cats named Yoda that have a noticeable web presence. Interestingly, both of these cats have two sets of ears. You heard me correctly, four ears for each cat.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1046684/Meet-Yoda-cat-FOUR-ears.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0-_-GouRs4

Now, it is important that I point out that I do not have four ears. I am just an old-fashioned two eared cat. However, this doesn’t mean that I don’t see and wish for the value that one can receive from additional hearing apparatus. The benefits include:

1. Double the hearing ability. Not only will this increase my ability to hunt and stalk the mice that do not exist in my office, but I can also hear the opening of a can of tuna from over 300 yards.
2. Wicked, cool new look. These four ear cats look like they have ears and wicked horns. I would love to look like I have wicked horns. Plus girls love interesting men. And horns. Wicked!
3. Double the scratching potential. It is no secret that I love getting scratched behind the ears (Note to reader: I love getting scratched behind the ears). With an extra pair of ears, the scratching potential increases 100%. Double your pleasure, double your fun, with extra sugar free ears.
4. I don’t have to use the litter box. I mean, yeah, I crapped on the floor. What are you going to do about it? I have four ears!

Things I Hear at River City and Have No Idea What They Mean

2008-08-15T12:53:00.000-07:00

CSS
Html
Php
SEO
Front End
Template
Keywords
Mock ups
Dreamweaver
Pdf’s
Waking up
Gif’s
DNS
Trend Research
XML
Back End
Directory
AJAX
GA
Traffic
Proofs
Purple Tuesdays
Happy Hour
SMTP
SQL
Database
SGML
High res
SSL
ROI

and

Work

I Can Quit Any Time I Want!

2008-08-08T09:56:00.001-07:00

Catnip, or “The Nip” as it is known on the streets, is a deep and secret love of mine (I realize that it is less secret now that I am blogging about it, and probably less deep). For some inexplicable reason, I can’t get enough of the stuff.

I really just love the aroma. The aroma and the overall sense of euphoria and general well being that follows quickly after, but mainly the aroma. The sweet, pungent, intoxicating aroma.

It’s not like I am addicted. I just find every activity more enjoyable and satisfying with a little “Nip”, and any activity without “Nip” seems droll, pointless, meaningless, and generally devoid of life or gratification. Still, it’s not like I need it.

Now, I have seen some cats who need it, and it’s not pretty. Out there, on the streets, rubbing up against anyone who might help them score a sniff, letting anyone pet them just to make it to their next whiff of “The Nip”. You ever seen a cat go into catnip withdrawal? They get the “Meows” and the “Shakes” at the same time; end up sounding like a broken bagpipe.

That life is not for me, thank you very much. I am quite happy here at River City. You can count me as a casual “Nip” user, and nothing more. Speaking of which, you wouldn’t happen to have any, because I am completely tapped.

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream. Ay, There’s the Rub

2008-08-01T11:11:00.001-07:00

I consider myself a bit of a sleep connoisseur, in that I do it often, I enjoy it, and I do it often. And while I sleep, I of course, dream.

Yes, cats dream! You think after leading the exciting and enigmatic lives we do while awake, that we would simply settle for empty nothingness while we are unconscious?

“So, what do you dream about?” you query.

All sorts of things. Much like humans, cat’s dreams can be vivid or vague. They can ring out crystal clear in our conscious, and they can quickly retreat down the mouse hole of forgotten epiphanies. Some seem so real, I can taste the tuna on my lips when I wake up, and others are so surreal that I swear I must be human.

One time, I dreamed that my tail was a giant, living fish, and that it kept trying to drag me back into the water with it. Half way through the dream I wondered, “Am I a cat with a fish for a tail, or am I the mutated, cat shaped, suddenly self-aware tail of a fish?” Then I woke up and realized the irony in the fact that my favorite food exists in an environment that I was never intended to enter.

I had another dream where I was walking down a long, bright, warm corridor. On the floor of the corridor were all sorts of fun, interesting objects that begged to be rubbed up against. Protruding from the walls were long, human arms with soft, welcoming hands. As I navigated this corridor, the hands would reach out to scratch my ears, rub my shoulders, and get that spot right under my chin. I woke up to find that I had fallen asleep on a pile of cat-nip.

Once, I even dreamed I had claws on my front feet. Can you imagine? A cat with claws. Crazy.

How to Get Noticed

2008-07-24T14:45:00.000-07:00

Many people come up to me and say “Yoda, you’re a cool and happening cat, how is it that you get noticed all the time?” (Actually, this is completely false. Most people come up to me and say “Look, a kitty!” but it doesn’t make the advice I am going to give any less accurate.)

There are several techniques a cat uses to get noticed. These are just a few.

1. Appear Pettable – If you want people to notice you, wear something that encourages touching. This can be anything from a felt or satin jacket, to a suit made entirely out of the plastic-popping-packaging stuff.
2. Make Repetitive Noise – When I really want attention, I meow… over and over again… at the same pitch… for a long period of time. You can do this to just by saying “Hey” or “Oooo” or “What?” repeatedly. Note: attention received may not be positive attention.
3. Rub Against a Persons Leg – I highly encourage this behavior. Humans have forgotten the joy and attention one receives from the simple act of the leg nuzzle. If you don’t believe me, then imagine this scenario. Picture someone you have always been attracted to, but who has never noticed you. Now picture yourself rubbing up against their legs when they least expect it. How do they respond? If your answer is anything other than “They immediately begin making out with me,” then you are not imagining hard enough.
4. Vomit in Front of Guests – This is easily one of the most enjoyable things that I do for attention. I love to wait for people to visit the office, settle down for a meeting, and then just yak all over the place. It’s as if everything important in the world stops so that I can hurl. If you aren’t sure this will work, just remember that babies do this all the time, and they get all sorts of attention.

An Itemized List of Things I Have Rubbed Up Against In the Office

2008-07-18T12:56:00.000-07:00

Scratching Post

Support Columns

Corners (All of Them)

Chairs (All of Them)

The Weird Levers Under the Chairs

Human Legs (Most of Them)

Trash Can

Refrigerator

Mini-Refrigerator

My Doppelganger

Filing Cabinets

Desk Legs

The Stuff on the Desks You Don’t Want Me Rubbing Against

Computers

Laptops

Telephones

Plants

Door

Door Frame

Door Knob (Harder than you think)

Cups

Coffee Cups

Plates

Peoples Faces When They are On the Phone

Bags

Purses

European Carry Alls

My Sense of Greatness

Melia (She did not care for it)

Our Independence Day!

2008-07-03T13:14:00.000-07:00

Don’t think for one moment that cats do not appreciate the significance and meaning of the 4^th of July. Freedom, Liberty, and Independence are perfectly understood by us, and we enjoy them greatly. The freedom to sleep anywhere at anytime, the liberty to vomit at will, and the independence to act like we are completely independent - we enjoy them all greatly. In fact, I would argue that cats take advantage of these rights much better than most humans. When was the last time you vomited, claimed you didn’t need help from anyone, and fell asleep anywhere you wanted?

No, Friday night doesn’t count!

Dogs: An Analysis

2008-05-30T13:07:00.000-07:00

I am going to say something, and I want you to promise me that you won’t freak out.

I don’t hate dogs.

There, I said it. Paradigm shattering, isn’t it? A cat that doesn’t hate dogs. But let me explain why, because I know you will keep nagging me until I do.

Dogs and cats are similar in one key area, and it is not licking ourselves (while we do enjoy it, and would agree that is both for cleanliness, and to make you jealous). Dogs and cats both like humans. For better or for worse, we just can’t seem to get enough of you overdeveloped monkeys. Call it fate, call it grand design, call it breeding, we just love hanging out with you crazy, bipedal bags of self-analysis.

How can I hate a creature that enjoys the exact same pastime as me? I will say that dogs can be obnoxious in their manner of interacting with humans. They will go to great lengths to earn approval, like a dreamy eyed sixteen year old girl meeting her brother’s friend from college. Look at me, I caught a Frisbee. Look at me, I barked at a stranger. Look at me, I went to the bathroom outside. Look at me, look at me, look at me. Sixteen year old girls do weird things for attention. But I digress.

I, a cat, appreciate humans in my own feline way, which is very similar to an ex-girlfriend. This includes such behavior as showing mild to complete indifference towards anything you do, meowing for something and then acting like that wasn’t at all what I was meowing for, and killing a creature and then leaving it in a place that allows them to easily step on it while barefoot. Cats show affection by adding constant confusion to a human’s life. We don’t like you guys getting bored.

We are like two players on the same team. Like an all star quarter back, and a drooling, needy, worthless dog.

Cat Names that I Hate

2008-04-15T07:27:00.000-07:00

Itchy
Scratchy
Das Boots
Ichabod
Fluffy
Adolf Kittler
Mrs. Longtails
Whiskers
Humple Stilkins
Andrew Loyd Webber
Tiger
Garfield
Sir Purrsalot
Chairman Meow
Sassafras
Felicia
Mittens
Mr. Mittens
Mr. Mittens the Third
Mr. Mittens and his Fun Time Magic Review
Paul
Peaches
Fluffy Taco
Snuggle Buns
Ghost Face Kitty
Gingersnap
Cat-a-Tonic
Mufasa
Mu Shu
Mu Shu Fasa
Oedipus Cat
Queen Pretty Pants
Socks
Spike
Stinky
Shelby
Ellie May
Mini Pearl
I Love Lucy
BoBo
Dutches
Cat-Tastrophe
Catilla the Honey
Mary Poopins
Cat Mandingo
Bilbo Baggins
Cat the Bounty Hunter
Paris Kitten
and Steve

New Site, and I Rock!

2008-03-28T11:37:00.000-07:00

The new site is up! The new site is up! “What new site?” you say. The new River City Studio site, thats what! Ok, open your ears, unlock your mind, and get prepared for an explosion of pure excellence and reality shattering truth.

I, Yoda, a cat, have written the site. Oh, thats right, you heard me. And they said it couldn't be done. They said a cat wasn't capable of organizing its internal ideas into coherent and thought provoking copy. They said a cat couldn't grasp the complex inner working of a full service web and graphic design shop. They said a cat's paws couldn't appropriately navigate a keyboard. Well, I showed them! (Granted, I don't know who “they” are, but “they” are real and “they” can suck a hair ball.)

In fact, what I created was so mind blowing, so emotionally provocative, so utterly awesome, that the fine folks at River City Studio had to create a human version of the site, just so people could continue to enjoy it without having to stop at the end of every sentence to scream out “This cat is amazing! I am both informed about the wonderful River City Studio, and truly entertained at the same time!”

To be honest, I am not fully prepared for the inevitably approaching fame and fortune that is certain to be awaiting a cat that can navigate a keyboard, but I promise you that I will handle it in the same way I handle all things.

With mild engagement, followed by naps.

I am Yoda, and I don't go change'n.

Regarding Melia – Unrequited Love

2008-03-14T07:32:00.000-07:00

I don't understand Melia, and chances are looking good that this fact will never change. We have known each other for many years, as she is my roommate and fellow cat at River City Studio. I have behaved towards her in a manner that could only be described as “Chillaxed”. However, for reasons that have yet to be made fully clear to me, she treats me, at best, as a major nuisance, and at worst, a mortal enemy not only worthy of destruction, but of constant mockery during the destruction process.

The Greek tragedy of this entire situation is that I have come to truly love Melia. Her silky gray fur, her bright jade green eyes, her almost obscenely long whiskers, have all become points of adoration for me. (Note: long whiskers on a female cat are much more desirable than on a female human, or so I am told.) Even her incessant, high pitched, nails-on-a-chalkboard meows ring within my ears like the lute of an angel. A sexy, cat angel.

Melia, if you are reading this, whatever I have done to upset you, I am sorry.

The Paradox that is Lynda

2008-03-07T12:09:00.000-08:00

There is a woman that works in the office by the name of Lynda, and for the life of me, I just can't figure her out. All day long she treats me like a King, giving me food, cleaning up my royal vomit, and petting me in all the right places (See prior blog entry for a detailed list of the “right places”).

Yet everyday, right around 4pm, she hunts me down, shoves a pill down my throat, and leaves! Whats the deal?!? I have tried to hide on a chair, on a window sill, in the middle of the floor, but to no avail (I am just now realizing that all my hiding spots are in plain sight. Note to self: get better hiding spots). I have even tried camping out next to someone who could defend me, like Nathan. But when she finds me, and she always does, he just sits there and watches as my mouth gets violated by two fingers and a pill. All he does is look at me with a face that says “I would stop it if I could, but I remain depressingly powerless.” One time I thought I saw him cry about it, but quickly discovered he was just listening to “Heat of the Moment” by Asia.

What is truly upsetting is that the next day Lynda is wonderful again. She is sweet and nice, and doesn't show any signs of sadism or feline abuse. Each day I begin to think “Maybe not today. Maybe today will be different. Maybe today I won't get my mouth defiled by medication.” And no sooner do I convince myself that this magical fantasy world could be real, she is hovering over me, and I realize my day is about to get oodles more crappy.

Lynda, if you are reading this, stop the cycle. You have the power to end this.

Top Five Places I Like to be Scratched

2008-03-07T10:13:00.001-08:00

Everyone likes to be scratched and petted, at least everyone I know. Here are my top five places that I like to be scratched and why.

1. Behind the ears.
I know, it is not original, but it works. Some people have found a way to scratch behind both ears at the same time, and let me tell you, you really can't have too much of a good thing. Let's see if I can put this in human terms. Imagine someone who can massage both your feet at the same time, while maintaining a high level of quality on each foot. Now, imagine they are hot. Now you understand.

2. Under my chin.
Only do this if you want me to purr. If you are not a fan of purring, well then, I don't know whats wrong with you. This has also been known to cause me to pass out, so please do not scratch under my chin while I am drinking, or partaking in any soup, bisque, or gazpacho, as it may cause me to drown.

3. My cheeks.
Before you ask, yes, the ones on my face. I spend a large portion of my day trying to find new things to rub my cheeks on. A bag, a new leg, a wall, a chair, the weird lever that sticks out from under the chair. All of them have fallen victim to my viscous cheek rubbing. The thing is, this can wear my cheeks and whiskers out, and a rubdown can really help me get back in the game. Well, its not really a game. I mean, there is no score, and no rules, but I am winning.

4. My forehead.
It holds my brain, and that is where I do most of my thinking (The rest of my thinking occurs in a currently undisclosed location). Sometimes my mind needs a break, due to the constant calculations. (Side note: the human mind becomes annoyed after 4.5 “meows”. It's Science.) Nothing helps relax the brain than a good forehead massage.

5. My belly.
I can't stress enough that this should not be forced. Wait for me to present my belly, by rolling on my back or sides. I will then look at you in a way that says "Well, what are you waiting for? It is not like you have something better to do." Trust me, you'll know it when you see it. This is when you may initiate the belly scratching, and no sooner!

Mouseketeer

2008-02-29T06:59:00.000-08:00

These humans think I'm so lazy. All they've seen me do is sleep. They don't know about my time serving in the Chinese military under Chairman Meow. I was a lean, mean, mouse obliterating machine. Shame there's no mice around here.

Chimps and that which has been flung.

2008-02-20T11:21:00.001-08:00

I've been pondering some larger questions these days. Larger than … say … "Where is that smell coming from?" or "Why does that itch? Didn't I just clean that a minute ago? Why would it itch now?" No, I find that, in my older age, my mind scampers down a hall toward loftier notions. I am kept awake by the kinds of things that lead me to stare out a window for hours at a time. Not staring, completely, of course, since my eyes do eventually shut, and I'm not actually kept awake, but, well, you get my point.

I'm worried about the humans that I see, down below. Bi-pedaling up and down the sidewalk, coming into view and then shrinking, disappearing, sometimes forever. I think, "why?" and "for what reason?" I know that many of the people with whom I share this studio have found meaning in their work, in their personal relationships, in their loves and laughter. But the people outside — silent, distant — are so uninteresting to me.

Where is the petting? Where are the soft whispers of "good, good kitty"? Silent, ignoring my inquisitive throat-clearings, they have completely detached from the reality that is my life.

I'm sad for them. Only by connecting, man to cat, can we all begin to find joy in this warm, sunny window sill that is all the world.