coping with hiv and hep-c

Entering the holidays...

2009-12-19T16:04:00.006-05:00

I am sure most of you are all busy getting yourselves together for the holidays. I am a last minute man , everything is rush rush . I have tried and tried to be the one who is ready for Christmas , but if I get someone something I end up giving it to them . So I really can't buy until last minute .
But then there is this class type reunion the next day , Gosh I haven't seen these people since I was a teenager . They are all married with teenagers of thier own now . It will certainly be a good thing. I had a great childhood and while I only knew these people for a few years they all left footprints in my life growing up . I choose not to talk about my staus.Many of them are already aware because of my link on my facebook page.
This will be hard for me because I will have to explain what I have been up to all these years ,,, Well I took care of all of my sick friends in between my dream job and oh I am positive too . When your gay you can't really say well I have been married twice , its like playing pretend , Except I have the memories and the rings , Just wasn't real in the eyes of the government , our government . So I will just be myself and answer any questions that come my way as I always do . Well all you last minute shoppers, hurry , hurry . Brightest Blessings!

Time changes everything ..

2009-12-18T13:11:00.013-05:00

Well I begin by saying its awesome to be here for yet another Holiday season and in less than 2 weeks another birthday . Getting closer to being 50 , who would have thought . I was so busy being gay out and partying 25 years ago I forgot most of it, But I do remember the friends I have had the lovers and boyfriends I had . I was always the safe one , shy . Give me 3 drinks and that was out the window .

Then losing friend after friend to this disease, caring for them , I mean watching each of them clinging for their lives . Then automatically the feeling the guilt being alive . errrrrrrrrr I have to shake that off because that alone can make me lose it.
All the treatments and pills I take , I am still the lucky one , for once my low self esteem kept me alive, ha my shrink would love that one . When I was raped I shut up and shut off .I blame me for not being cautious with him. he would have the upper hand yet and it happened anyway . Not smart and not what I wanted to happen. my life now is trying to stay alive trying to make a difference no matter how big or how small I plan to make a difference . This blog was my first idea to bring my life to the blog and hope someone reads it and pays attention to whats going on out there .. Keep yourself and whomever your with safe from this horrendous disease.

I really wasn't wanting to write about this but it came through me and wanted to be said . I was going to bitch about wasting and getting fat in only one area . Time for that later. I hope you all enjoy each other ,Love each other . reach to the univesrse with your arms its all yours , don't waste it. Brightest Blessings.

IF ANYONE YOU KNOW OR IF YOU HAVE BEEN ABUSED , SEXUALLY, MENTALLY . PLEASE CALL THE GAY MANS HEALTH CRISIS CENTER .I HAVE A LINK HERE FOR YOU ! GET HELP , ITS NOT YOUR FAULT . GETTING ABUSED BY SOMEONE IS A CRIME .PLEASE GET SOME HELP ITS OUT THERE ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS MAKE A CALL..PLEASE YOUR TO IMPORTANT NOT TO....

fa la la la la la lalaaa

2009-12-12T21:18:00.003-05:00

Very blessed holiday season for you all!

Had an interesting week ,week 2 of my cold its finally fought off and I feel much better . My friend had { www.LungUSA.org) a TB scare they quarantined him for 5 days until they were sure it wasn't that . It turned out to be a parasite . He's hopefully resting and feeling better already . I honestly believe we all have to be in touch with our bodies. You know when its time to get to your Doctor.Your body always gives you signs , strange hot/cold sensations, fevers ,stomach and all of that , Go see your Dr . and trust it is better to be honest with the Doctor and be able to talk to them freely like a buddy because its crucial in your health and wellbeing to be safe with that .
So Thats my digg for the plan today .I am decorating and getting happy for the holidays its good to see people smile! Brightest blessings !

WORLD AIDS DAY!

2009-12-01T08:47:00.003-05:00

I am glad they have a day to remember all my friends who scummed to this horrible disease ,. I think only one day isn't enough , I mean they have a whole month for breast cancer , another for prostate cancer and so on . Well being gay I have gotten used to getting the short end of every thing . Sad you say ? No I say . Ignorance is bliss . I will take a moment to remember all that have fought this battle with all they had . If not for one day at least the battle is recognized and prayer is given .

BLESSED BE TO ALL I HAVE LOST IN THIS BATTLE OF DISEASE !

Lets give thanks.....

2009-11-26T15:26:00.001-05:00

To all and everyone we love and cherish . Make peace , show love .

Have a happy and magical day !

Glass Houses

2009-11-22T04:15:00.008-05:00

I think that I am growing as a sick person. Or rather I am getting older and the smaller shit doesn't matter to me, or the smaller people don't. In any case my nephew was married today in a very catholic ceremony, certainly that doesn't bother me - I was brought up catholic ...but decided it wasn't what I believed or wanted to invest time in. I am pagan therefore I believe in the universe and other things that are much too complicated to explain here.....that's for another blog.

STIGMA, EXCLUSION oyeeee never thought I would write this but now not only do I have to fear peoples reaction to being GAY , but also their reaction to the fact that I am with a disease that they don't understand. But guess what.......I don't either. You're gay you were just asking for it ..I'm gay and I don't know why, how, if I even care .

This is my life and this is how I can cope day to day. Being with my young nephews and niece made me pray . I looked at them and said to the universe please don't let this be their life, spare them this heartache. Protect them for me .Let them be smart about having sex ,protection and being tested. I guess living with and surrounding myself with people who understand and know what I go through, when I step out of that safe circle , stupid people bombard me with their ignorance . Part of the fight I suppose . Glass houses are amazing , but stepping out of them and looking at the real world well.....

Blessed Be

Smart truth ..

2009-11-13T08:14:00.009-05:00

http://www.richardferri.com/ here is a sharp talking actual Doctor telling it like it is. Not only is he a DR but he also has HIV, AIDS and is 53 years young. I read and read his blog. Smiled, laughed, cried, got pissed off , and I am sure he doesn't give a shit what I think. I like him and his stories about not just having and dealing with this damned disease, but being a Doctor and the hell he goes through to provide for them. I am sure he wouldn't want me to say anything nice about him or actually wouldn't give a crap what I had to say. But that is it.......he says things I don't, he feels the same emotions I do but isn't too polite to talk about them. Maybe we are different in that way, but we are both fighting the fight and I respect him for his candor .

So Richard ,thank you for your fucking eye opening words and the hard work you do for all of us, not just your patients.

Blessed Be

Its that time again...

2009-10-29T09:10:00.005-04:00

Before I was going through the HIV and Hep-C treatments I had what they call a fistula. If you click on the word it will give you a brief explanation of this disease. I have had 2 surgeries on it so far and now its time again. I am in constant pain from this and need to take medication for it.

The Dr's suggest I go and have it checked every year to make sure it hasn't progressed to anything more , such as rectal cancer. The procedure itself is not so bad because I am usually asleep during it (TG). I am hoping everything goes well and there are no more problems .

Well I must keep the faith as should us all .

Blessed be!

Some information I stumbled on.

2009-10-21T19:30:00.005-04:00

I came across this article and thought it was very interesting and easy to understand.
Basically it just explains how HIV works in the body. Of course there is so much more to it than this but I thought the way it was explained was very easy to understand.
http://www.aidsmeds.com/articles/hiv_life_cycle_5014.shtml

Although this is is just the beginning stages of the disease it also explains how rapidly it can multiply.

http://www.aidsmeds.com/ is a wonderful place to learn more about HIV and as I always say "Knowledge is power".

Wrap it up !

Blessed be !

A chance to do more..

2009-10-20T09:12:00.004-04:00

I am a big crusader in getting tested early and knowing your status. I also know this is a very scary thing for anyone debating the issue. Seriously, it is the most important thing you can do for yourself and anyone you love. I hear horror stories all the time about one partner who didn't know and gave it to the other. Nobody asks for this hell, at least I hope not . So be the one to do the right thing and get tested. There is no way to know if you have HIV or HEP-C and if you do feel symptoms it's been multiplying in your blood for quite sometime. It can still be handled , but you (quite possibly) have also passed it on to others or your partner. I was lucky my ex didn't get it, but it doesn't mean I didn't spend sleepless nights wondering and worrying if I had given it to him .

PLEASE GET TESTED IF NOT FOR YOU DO IT FOR THE WORLD!!!!

Its easy , its fast, its the right thing to do .

Blessed be !!

Some information some may need

2009-10-08T20:55:00.004-04:00

You will notice I just posted a link to National housing trust . I know the power of living safely in a place you can call home is getting harder for all of us, not just those affected with the diseases, but those families and children who have lost everything or close to it already. I can say with certainty that you have to make your voices heard , by that I mean you take the steps to secure yourself with the help you need .

RED TAPE, RED TAPE....this is why I see a 20 year old girl with dirty clothes a blank stare as if she had been beaten down by life....holding her small fragile dog in one hand and a cup for change in another. As I put my measly dollar in her cup and smile, I think to myself "you're in the same boat." I am fortunate to have good friends and an exceptional landlord who care, but I still believe I will have to fight to be in a safe place not having to worry if I will have to go to a shelter for food , a warm bed and medicine to keep me alive.

There are many . many people who need help right here in our own country . The sick , the poor the elderly. Why in this country full of many riches . Why is this a problem here ? I walked away from the young woman think and planning how could I help , why don't I help ? She is me and I am her we are in this life together what is wrong with helping others . I got on my train and was sped away to my Dr's office , and all I have done for her is this blog ..

My health is getting better I feel more energy . I am still in pain ,still nausea , still fevers here and there. But I wake up everyday and breath and can participate in life.

Blessed be !

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2009-10-08T20:53:00.001-04:00

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scary senario

2009-09-26T10:27:00.003-04:00

I got this link from one of my fellow bloggers and it's downright scary. I know drug addicts have no control over their disease but this is down right WRONG. I believe health care workers , the Doctors nurses etc. we are supposed to be able to trust are human and therefore anything is possible. Anyone in that field should be drug tested on a regular basis. Anyone working with the public , especially those caring for others. It is just too easy to transfer Hep-c to another by blood .

Please be vigilant towards your fellow Humans this is a bad disease , no-one should suffer the pain and suffering this disease brings .

Until there's a cure ,
Blessed be !

Shocking reaction to my reaction

2009-09-21T14:20:00.005-04:00

I have been battling this Hepc treatment so long that I was never interested in dating or better yet sleeping with anyone . Yesterday I went to a bar to visit a good friend who had a stroke and by-pass surgery . He is doing so well I am very happy for him and thank the universe for keeping him here with us . So of course being in a gay bar I was propositioned by a man , he bought me a drink and instantly assumed we would be "doing me that night" . until I leaned over and whispered in his ear that I was HIV Poz . He started scratching his head looking very up set and I asked him if that bothered him . Meanwhile we know several friends who have passed from Aids . He instantly looked at me in a different way like he was shocked and didn't understand about the disease . I finished my beer and said my goodbyes to everyone .

Once alone I began to think is this how its going to be now ? I refuse to feel ashamed of this disease but I was saddened by the fact that was in front of my face , you are tainted SR . This was a gay man older than me why was he so ignorant about it ? Why did he want to make me feel bad because I wasn't " clean" . The ignorance about this disease is still so abundant and still all around us . I am going to call Aids action today to see what I can do to help get the word out , To do something to take away the bad stigma HIV has . Blessed be everyone

It has been awhile....

2009-08-22T10:47:00.003-04:00

Just in case you are wondering what happened to me , I am doing well . The pegasis did its job and I am doing great . Starting to get back my strength slowly , gaining weight ( in all the wrong places ) I am just happy to be well enough to enjoy life. Reconnecting to my past through FACEBOOK , pretty cool . My HIV meds were making me really sick which they have always , so My wonderful doctor and I decided to change the time I take them . I was taking them in the morning now I take them in the evening that has helped 2 fold . I actually wake up with energy and I don't feel sick all day . So its worth asking your Dr if you are experincing bad side affects.

Best health to all .

Blessed be !

So now new blog new begining .......

2009-07-03T20:18:00.004-04:00

The new Blog which I am excited about. I am going to interview Dr's , nurses, medical peeps . and give my 3 cents as well . I might change the name or not you all will know where to find me .

My last blood draw was last Friday and all is well nothing changed . The Meds worked and it was worth the 48 weeks of yuk. I still feel fatigued and so on but I feel so much better than I was while on the interferone . It takes time to build back up to what I was , so I am taking my time .

Blessed Be!

The lose of someone who changed my life..

2009-06-25T14:53:00.003-04:00

There she is in the infamous poster. I had one, not only because she was strikingly beautiful . But she was what I thought I was supposed to be "a beautiful woman".
That's what I thought being gay was ..wanting to be the opposite gender. Nope I was just gay not transgendered . Either life is not what you want for yourself, but it comes with your spirit. We all have struggles , some excepted some not. She was a warrior for her life , as I am as we all are . Brightest Blessing Farrah this fight is over you can rest now.

Summer??????

2009-06-24T09:41:00.004-04:00

I know we were supposed to have one , I think I may have slept through it. That's what its been like , I am always tired , general fatigue , blahs and yuks . I am working up to working out . We all know how that goes. Anyway I see my Primary Doctor on Friday , maybe there is an explanation? Until then smile and suck it up !

Brightest Blessings

Time heals all wounds

2009-06-19T12:49:00.004-04:00

I am still feeling the after effects of the chemo on my liver. I, of course, figured that I would be able to jump right back on the bandwagon of life.......was I wrong. I still feel very exhausted when doing things.
I went to Gay Pride this past weekend, and then Newport the next day. After all that, I was down for 2 days, just tired and fluish. I have come to the conclusion that I have to take small steps to get myself back on track. Just walking the dog doesn't count ( he does, but the exercise doesn't).
Well now I am just taking my HIV meds, which would be like nothing normally, but I never had a great time dealing with those in the beginning, they made me very sick. So we shall see how this plays out. I have to start working out slowly. And now that I have gained all my weight back, I should eat better LOL.

Rehabilitation?

2009-06-18T13:10:00.003-04:00

So it has been a few weeks now since I stopped the interferon and pegasis . I of course am the eternal optimist thinking I would instantly be me , active doing things making plans , meeting friends .Well my body proved me a fool , I suppose since being sick for so long it is normal not to zing it up right away .

So I guess its work out time and seriously folks its got to go slow . I spent a day in Newport with friends walking around and enjoying the beautiful sites . I was sore and extremely exhausted it took me 2 days to feel myself again . So moral of the story is after 48 weeks of battling this cancer , do not think its over once the last needle is injected. Eat , sleep and continue to work yourself up . Be well

Blessed be

Mariah sings again

2009-06-16T13:16:00.001-04:00

Imperfect angel

Do I ? Can I ?

2009-06-12T10:45:00.003-04:00

That's basically what this week was like . Sometimes I would feel ok but most of the week I was very fluish,fatigued just basically feeling like I have been all along. all the blood work is coming back very Steady . So I don't know , I can meditate and connect so that's all I am concerned with.

I at one point began to wonder if it isn't the HIV meds I take , I felt like that on those as well .

gay pride is this week , I wanted to volunteer but I don't think I can handle doing anything that is that fast paced and hectic I do not feel well enough for that . so i will watch from the sidelines and enjoy it that way , definitely next year. The outfit has changed several times , but my sister has made me a fantastic bracelet

I am so grateful...

2009-06-05T18:38:00.004-04:00

That this treatment is over. A whole year, injecting and rejecting.....feeling so gross from Friday until Thursday just to do it all over again. But It is gone now........the dragon has been slayed.....for now . I am not sure of the return percentage as I am just grateful it's over for now. My dentist gave me some mouthwash to use ghlorhexidine gluconate, and I think it is interacting with one of my several hiv meds. Looks and feels like thrush.....I looked it up and I did not find any conflicts.

Well time to enjoy and focus onward I will keep writing as long as I still have something to say.

Blessed Be !!!

Good bye interferon

2009-05-29T15:58:00.003-04:00

Thanks for doing your job! Its all done! I hope if anyone of you have questions or comments, please leave them .

My Dr's will be at the Aids walk, June 7th giving out information and giving free HepC testing.... it's safe, it's free so all you have to gain is your life. Please, you should check it out.

Blessed Be !

Hmmmm 2 days to go

2009-05-27T10:24:00.003-04:00

Well one last week of the headaches, fatigue, nausea, temp, sweats, etc. I was lucky! for some it is so much worse so I shouldn't complain. I am starting another blog, nothing to do with any of this or health. It will be all about my hobbies and first love tarot and pagan, wiccan issues, thoughts ideas , books, jewlery . My fabulous sister will be designing it so I will put a link on here once it's up and running. That on top of all the other things I have and want to accomplish on my second chance around .