The Celebrity Perfumery

Taking a detour

2009-06-09T12:37:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the hiatus, I've been experimenting with a completely new portfolio. More details later...
The streets of New York are starting to emit that special 'Summer Fragrance', which is another reason why I've been tuned out of sensory commentary!

Nasturtium

2009-05-26T14:33:00.000-07:00

This is my new favourite perfume ingredient, nasturtiums - peppery and light.

Click the link to see me in the 'artists wanted' competition!

2009-05-11T11:12:00.001-07:00

http://www.artistswanted.org/Elspeth

Bouquet Garni

2009-04-21T18:24:00.000-07:00

Celebrated savory chef, Ilene Rosen knows all about the power of smell; And that's why we're in short supply of her fiercely popular fresh-out-of-the-oven fragrance!

- Crisp cotton apron
- Chicken broth
- Wooden paddle
- Coriander seeds
- Cumin oil
- Leather boots
- Detergent
- Bamboo steamers
- Weathered recipe books
- Orange peel

Combine all of the ingredients in a large pot and bring to the boil. Drain the solids through a fine sieve and simmer the liquid for an hour. Turn of the heat and skim the surface for any congealed particles and steep your unwashed laundry in the soup
- eh voila! Your clothes will forever smell like they belong to a celebrity chef!

Bakers' Delight

2009-04-14T19:20:00.000-07:00

Owner and creator of the iconic City Bakery (New York and L.A), Maury Rubin's cologne will be the first on the rack this season to emerge smelling of hot baked cookies!

- Melted butter
- Mohair sweaters
- Chocolate chips
- Eggs
- Weatherd iphone
- Magnetic glasses
- Charcoaled oven mitts
- Airplane peanuts
- Linen shirts
- Coffee grinds

Roll the ingredients out onto a bread board with the palm of your hands, lightly dusting the mixture with corn flour to avoid getting sticky. Preheat the oven to 400F and bake until crispy and golden. Upon opening the oven door, let your hair bathe in the glorious aroma and step out into the city with a toasty new sensation!

Light on the Palette

2009-04-07T09:30:00.000-07:00

Stephanie Chambers is one of the most visionary contemporary artists, rendering epic dreamscapes with the masterful use of a crayon. With all this expended creative energy, it's only natural that her new line of perfume should smell just as dreamy...
- Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
- Curly hair taming gel
- Fabric softener
- Filtered water
- Black coffee
- Crayon shavings
- Carboard puzzles
- Pezz dispensers
- Peppermint shampoo
- Sea salt
- Dog-eared library card
- popcorn

Neatly file the ingredients into a systematic flower press. Bake in the oven on hight for twenty minutes, cool on the window fire escape and empty into a coffee percolator. With each cup of coffe you drink for the next few days, you'll be able to enjoy the steamy aroma of artistic expression in a cup!

Millionaire Love Potion

2009-03-19T19:02:00.000-07:00

Patti Stanger is the modern day Love Goddess, uniting millionaires with well rounded characters to complete them.
It's no wonder she wears so much perfume - something has to shield her from the stench of desperation personified in a suit!

- Solarium gold dust
- White leather couch
- Fresh nail varnish
- Almond oil moisturizer
- Tarot cards
- Lip gloss
- White wine
- Private jet air conditioner
- Crab cakes
- Glossy hair spritzer
- peppermint gum
- Eyeliner
- Freshly vacuumed car

Compose yourself in the mirror, chanting positive affirmations about yourself. Toss the ingredients into a mixing bowl, add some lemon zest and ricotta and pour into the center of a large pancake. Roll up and bake like a giant blintzer in the oven and eat it all up! Varoom - instant love goddess potion is now brewing in your belly, awaiting the premiere release!

Haute Creature

2009-03-01T19:42:00.000-08:00

Brighter than sunshine itself, Sir David Attenborough continues to beam his majestic light on the world via countless nature documentaries. And to top it off, he bares the most adventurous parfum de homme of them all - riddled with snow leopard droppings and butterfly dust!

- Perspiration-lined collar
- Muddy shoes
- Sun block cream
- Water flask
- Raw almonds
- Tulip nectar
- Elephant manure
- Binocular lens cleaner
- Muslin tree camouflage
- Grass dew
- Bug repellant

Hide in a bush for numerous hours in sweltering heat, smothered in the listed ingredients. After days of anticipation and patience, be prepared to capture a magnificent bead of sweat rolling down your cheek - catch it in a vile and gasp victoriously! The very first immitation-Attenborough fragrance will be ready for lab examination and set free to roam wild in the atmosphere.

Boho Barbie!

2009-02-20T06:11:00.000-08:00

50 years in the making, this iconic Barbie doll has seen A LOT of messy bedrooms in her time. Despite the glitz and the glamor, this princess smells like the bottom of the toy box!

- Orange peel
- Fur balls
- Dust mites
- Rubber hair bands
- Musty socks
- Strawberry Daiquiri lip gloss
- Sun damaged rubber feet
- Pavement chalk
- Granola bar wrappers
- Sunblock
- Moulding wicker basket

Empty the ingredients onto the driveway. Roll over them with bicycle wheels, sprinkle with cut grass and sprawl a few of your favorite sweaters over the scene to absorb the pungent odor. After a few nights left out in the elements, your clothes with be strewn with the dank smell of an afternoon in the sun with Barbie!

Aromatic Author

2009-02-18T06:20:00.000-08:00

Celebrated Australian author and current New Yorker, Peter Carey is the latest personified perfume to sweep the nation. An earthy blend of hermitage living and tightly wound perfectionism, this fragrance is sure to spring clean the the most cluttered of noses!

- Studded leather arm chair
- Antique floor boards
- Brand new laptop
- Steaming coffee mug
- lens cleaning fluid
- Central Park air
- Cast iron window frames
- Toasted poppy seed bagel
- Classical vinyl collection
- Carnegie Hall cocktail napkins
- Flower box fertilizer
- Egyptian cotton
- Savored wine corks

Dampen your temples with the wet ingredients and pulse the dry composites in a food processor until it forms a pulpy texture. Stuff the inner soles of your house slippers with the paste and allow to harden into an orthotic ball to support the arch in your foot. Over time, the combination of scents will permeate your study room with the inspirational odors required to write an award winning novel!

Cast a smell!

2009-02-09T17:53:00.001-08:00

This Friday 13th, be sure to ward off unlucky spells with this god-scent potion. Freya, the original Norse Goddess of love, beauty and of Friday itself is here to help!

- Fluffy clouds
- Cat hair balls
- Leather
- Polished marble
- Silky long hair
- Mountain air
- Golden fleece
- Sea foam
- Smoking chariot wheels

Hot off your heels from dancing in the clouds, sprinkle the ingredients around your head and blink three times. If you repeat this enough times, some of the particles will catch in your hair and eventually start to sme... ahem, perfume the air!

Soup eau Mario

2009-01-26T14:31:00.000-08:00

The distinguished Television Chef, Mario Batali has more than experience and cullinary intuition up his sleeve. While most people would wince at the sour spritzer, just add a liberal dose of olive oil and you'll soon be on your way to smelling pungently successful too!

- Perspiration
- Garlic
- Olive oil
- Caramelized Onions
- Bacon dripping
- Damp Orange Crocs
- Cacao nibs
- Sherry
- Rosemary
- Pork Rind
- Talcum Powder
- Limoncello
- Goat Cheese Pizza
- Bleached apron
- Sticky Cooking Utensils
- Smoked Paprika
- Oily Hair Bands.

Marinate your socks in the wet mixture and season with the remaining dry ingredients. Sizzle in a frying pan, douse with melted butter and leave to drip dry on a cake stand. Wear the crispy socks to your next power lunch and bask in the instant swell of popularity from food lovers far and wide!

Primo Thiebaud

2009-01-14T14:25:00.000-08:00

Wayne Thiebaud is one of the most prolific sweet-artists of his time. So why then, does he smell of turpentine?

- Lindseed oil
- Flannel shirts
- Paint thinner
- Oil pain
- Cookies
- Corduroy
- Wood chips
- Fresh canvas
- Root beer
- Black coffee
- Clean brushes
- Lead tubes
- Turpentine
- Dusty stereo speakers
- Oak wood floors
- Old spring couch
- Canyon fresh air

Spread the ingredients onto a board with a palette knife until it becomes a creamy paste. Once the consistency is buttery and thick, begin applying it to the inner pockets of your coat. Once activated by heat and movement, this clumpy perfume will
give you heroic status among whatever field you choose to excel in!

Parfum de Perez

2009-01-05T08:04:00.000-08:00

Perez Hilton needs no introduction to the world of celebrity gossip. A self-made millionaire, his vicious commentary has earned him the title of 'most hated blogger in Hollywood'. With his tireless efforts to defame celebrities fifteen hours a day, seven days a week, what time does he spare for domestic maintenance and personal grooming?

- Electrolyte water
- Diet orange soda
- Weathered keyboard
- Weight watchers TV dinner
- Overheated computer battery
- Facial hydration masque
- Musty carpet
- Dog fur balls
- Corn chips
- Polyester
- Hair bleach
- Sticky treadmill handlebars
- Vitamin supplement granola bars
- melted cell phone key pad
- Freshly painted shoes closet.

Glue yourself to the computer screen using the ingredients above. Remain house-bound for days on end, emerging occasionally for midnight expeditions to the grocery store to gather frozen food. After a few months, the stale aroma of bloggers' fatigue will permeate your belongings and attract fame and fortune from every corner of the globe!

Birthday Cake for your neck!

2008-12-22T09:50:00.001-08:00

To celebrate my 27th birthday, I've bottled a special fragrance to capture the moment.This year however, I've been graced with a mid-winter head cold, hence the notes of tissue paper and eucalyptus oil!

- Wrapping paper
- Coffee
- Scrambled eggs
- Maple syrup
- Bagels
- Sausages
- Orange juice
- TV remote control
- Hot water bottle
- Cough drops
- Fluffy bathrobe
- Advil
- Chocolate wrappers
- Smoking phone battery
- Shampoo
- Chai tea
- Vitamin C
- Honey

Spend the day sprawled out on the couch, basking in gifts, snacks and TV re-runs until you fall asleep with you toes dipped in your coffee mug. Hold onto your hat - this birthday spritzer will make you sneeze with delight!

Recession-Curbed Christmas Party

2008-12-18T20:00:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of Christmas, we've created a recession-inspired perfume, an ideal gift idea for those of us who haven't got a brass razoo to spend on presents. Pinching pennies, tightening our belts and rolling up our sleeves, we decided to squeeze a bunch of celebrities into one bottle. Get a whiff of this crammed, low budget Christmas Party featuring Tom and Katie, Brad and Angie, and even The Twins ...all struggling to rub two pennies together - Merry Christmas!

- Curdled eggnog
- Leather pants
- Musty Curtains
- Faux Champagne
- Sticky linoleum floor
- Cigarette branded toilet seats
- Cocktail onions and cheese
- Baby dribble-laced collar
- Clammy handshakes

Mash the ingredients together in an ice bucket and dunk your head under the slush, long enough to hear your own heartbeat. Next, search the internet tirelessly for employment opportunities in the entertainment industry. After two weeks of repeated insult to injury, your adrenal glands will be primed to release the piercing aroma at any mention of the word "economy".

Air to the Hilton

2008-12-09T19:52:00.000-08:00

Paris Hilton may have found her 'New Bff', but she shares an even stronger bond (of fragrance) with her k9 original best friend forever, Tinkerbell...

- Hair glue
- Strawberry lip gloss
- Self tanning spray
- Ice cubes
- Patent leather purse
- Champagne
- Sticky sunglasses
- Cucumber water
- Fiberglass
- Marshmallows

Form little patties of the mixture in your hands and wipe it onto the interior of your headscarf. The sticky perfume will not only hold your hair extensions in place, but put a hold on everyone elses' nose too!

Love on the rocks

2008-11-22T07:39:00.000-08:00

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are no strangers to drama, especially when it comes to their personal hygiene!
For this perfume recipe, you'll need to wear protective gear and have an oxygen mask on stand by.

- Red bull and vodka
- Nail polish remover
- Champagne lacquered heels
- Musty leather jacket
- Eyeliner
- Stale fishnet stockings
- Nightclub wrist stamps
- Ripe forehead pimples
- Vinyl records
- Sticky headphones
- Flour-bombed fur coat
- Cherry lip gloss
- White castle burgers
- Bile
- Cigarette stained fingernails
- Perspiration crusted bowling cap
- Waxy hair extensions
- Limousine floor

Scrub the back of your neck with the mixture and heat with a hair dryer. The pungent aroma will begin to work it's magic with the onset of paparazzi lights and a brewing lovers' feud! Click HERE to see my new website!

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2008-11-14T10:40:00.001-08:00

Young, successful and potent.

2008-10-30T13:21:00.000-07:00

The Jonas Brothers are going from strength to strength with their brand of teen rock stardom, but what of their brand of pubescent body odor?!

- Stale denim jeans
- Sticky guitar pick
- Cherry cola
- Sweaty socks
- Buttered popcorn
- Hair straigtening iron
- Hotel linens
- Private jet air conditioning
- M&M's
- Oral bleach rinse
- New sneakers
- Talcum powder
- Eyebrow mascara
- Musty blazer pockets
- Perfumed fan mail

Spread the mixture out on a luxuriously large hotel bed and jump up and down until the mattress springs give way. Over the next few hours, you'll begin to feel little clumps of the mixture crusting in between your toes - allow to harden over the next few days and avoid showering. Gradually the residual clumps will begin to emit a powerful stench every time you peel your socks off. If the mixture has been fixed accurately, the aromatic toe clumps will begin permeating through the leather of your shoes and releasing toxic fumes into the audience within a few short weeks!

Optical illusion hair creme 'a la Trump'

2008-10-28T07:28:00.000-07:00

Donald Trump has enjoyed many successes in recent years, now YOU can experience the fragrance of real estate monpoly in your own home!

- Turkey club sandwiches
- Silk, polyester blend ties
- Blue print paper
- Linen napkins
- Interior workman's helmet
- Weathered cheque book
- Hot TV lights
- Honeycomb hair dye
- White leather couch
- Polished marble
- Cranberry juice
- Hair spray
- Rococo design books
- Golf turf
- Facial peal chemicals
- Solarium goggles
- Cannoli cream
- Gold accented business cards
- Sensitive gum gele

Roll the ingredients in the palms of your hands until soft and malleable. Pat your long hair with the emulsion and then flip backwards, to give the appearance of a full-bodied 'Cary Grant' do. Douse liberally with hair spray and then harden under the heat of a creme brulee torch.

Box office seduction

2008-10-26T08:54:00.000-07:00

Terrifying and exquisite, Anjelica Huston illuminates the screen with her presence. If her performance is any indication of her intensity, imagine what her wardrobe smells like!

- Leather conditioner
- Garlic
- Fresh lipstick
- Fur
- Scalp tonic
- Nicorette gum
- Polished concrete floor
- Black grapes
- Gardenia moisturizing cream
- Beef Bouillon
- Gin
- Nail polish
- Brass door knob

Bake all of the raw ingredients together until burnt to a crisp. Turn off the oven and stick your head inside the door for an entirely unique perfumery experience that will last months!

Aroma di aqua

2008-10-22T19:52:00.000-07:00

U.S Olympic champion, Michael Phelps knows a thing or two about bathing in water. After years of pickling in the chlorinated variety however, the fold behind his ears has begun smelling a little chalky!

- Chlorine
- Rubber swimming caps
- Talcum powder
- Terry toweling
- Oatmeal
- Protein bars
- Anti foot fungal cream
- Turkey burgers
- Damp swimsuit
- Dill pickles
- Electrolyte water
- Canned sardines
- Hair removal wax
- Sticky poker chips
- Anti Ear infection
- Lemon squash

Roll the ingredients into little balls and stuff them neatly inside your swimming cap before diving into the pool. Gradually, the emulsion will leak into the water and surround the competing swimmers with your brand of victory potion!

The healing aroma of Oprah

2008-10-21T06:24:00.000-07:00

Now that Oprah Winfrey has taken spirituality to the radiowaves, her following has quadrupled. The next step in healing the world, would obviously be to launch her own fragrance line - here's what it would smell like:

- Primrose oil
- Cinnamon sugar cookies
- Cashmere
- Polished oak
- Hairy dog comb
- Black tea
- Curly hair relaxer
- Coal eyeliner
- Manicured gardens
- Sea salt potato chips
- Raw silk
- Recycled TV studio air
- New shoe box

Congeal the ingredients under the heat of a studio lamp. Once sticky, apply generously to the heel of your shoe and let cool by the air conditioned vents under the interview couch. By the end of the show, the room will be freshened by the scent of empowerment and understanding!

Laughing tonic

2008-10-16T17:30:00.000-07:00

Due to a successful U.S tour, Jerry Seinfeld has much to celebrate - including the free hotel toiletries!

- New sneakers
- Black coffee
- Apple pie
- Denim
- Junior mints
- Stale blazer pockets
- Floss
- Chocolate babka
- Damp microphone
- Sharpie ink
- Crowded-auditorium air
- Limousine car seats

Powder yourself with the emulsion regularly behind the ears. The effect of the cologne will lull your audience into a faint spell, heightening the impact of your comedy routine!