The Cast!! The Rules!! The Principles of Liberation (TM)!!

2008-01-23T10:41:00.001-08:00

Liberation ™ Principles

The following is the core values, beliefs and manifesto for the Grocerjack Liberation Party.

Energy:

Gas, Electricity production and supply will be nationalised and subsidised. Coal production and supply will re-start with old mines re-opening where feasible or brand new mines being commissioned. All funded by the government. A programme of Nuclear Power stations will resume, funded by the government and then run as a state run concern as a public service. Off-shore and on-shore wind farms will be built, and investment in tidal power will feature. The aim would be for 80% self sufficiency within 10 years. We will invest in new technologies to remove our dependence on Middle East oil. They can then argue amongst themselves.

Water: Supply and sewage will be re-nationalised. Investment will come from Government and the users. De-salination plants will be built to supply “grey” water suitable for washing, bathing and the garden etc.

Politics: Once things have settled a democracy will return on a PR basis, but not until such time that we are happy that our plans are accepted and in place or making good progress. The Monarchy will be abolished but in a non-violent manner. We’ll retire them quietly to live peaceful non interfering lives. The second house in the re-instated PR democracy will be fully elected.

Tax and benefits: Income Tax will be increased to 6 bands with Band 1 being the lowest at 10% and Band 6 being the highest at 60%. Council tax will be abolished and replaced by a local sales tax. Eventually all income tax will be replaced with a sales tax at the point of sale payable by anybody, even visitors with the tax being linked to the value of the item being bought. Internet sales including those based outside of the UK will be taxed at the point of the transaction against the card/account being used. No-one will avoid tax as we will close every loophole possible. No longer will self employed people or small businesses boast about how little tax they pay!

Inheritance Tax will be raised to £1.5 million and reviewed annually.

Road Tax will be abolished and added to car insurance and will be linked to the insurance group and consumption figures of the cars. The dearer the car, the more fuel it burns, the more you pay. The certificate of insurance MUST be displayed at all times. Failure to display will command a £1000 fine!

Savings will no longer be taxed unless they come to over £5 million. Tax payable on Share schemes will be relaxed to encourage their use, and the CGT limit will increase to £50,000 per person, reviewed annually.

Redundancy payments will no longer be taxed, unless they are deemed “golden handshakes” and are greater than £1 million. We take the view that losing your job is bad enough without us taking as cut.

Pensions will not be taxed. You worked for it, so keep it. State pensions will increase annually – figures to be set, but single people will get the same as a married, or co-habiting couple. These will be reviewed annually and will increase in line with inflation at the minimum. Any full time employee will be encouraged to pay additional contributions to their State pension to increase its value later.

If you’re out of work through disability then fine, we’ll make sure you don’t go cold or hungry. But if you’re refusing work because you don’t like it or can’t be bothered then all benefits will cease within 3 months.

Child benefit will only be payable to those on less than £40,000 annual gross income.

Our overarching principle is to look after those that can’t, not those that won’t.

Travel : Incentives will be given to employers to make greater use of the Internet for home working. Employees will not pay any taxes on data volumes or broadband links.

Motorways will be chargeable as in France, with the “toll” being paid to the Government. Foreign lorries will pay an additional toll according in order to level the playing field with British lorries .

Lorries will be banned during peak hours on major roads and will be banned from using minor roads and villages as rat runs. Cycle paths will be added to every road in the country. The minimum age for driving a car will rise to 21. Prior to that the only motorised forms of transport will be….

16 – a moped up to 50cc , governed to 30mph. 17 – a scooter or motorbike up to 125cc and governed to 50mph. 18 – a scooter or motorcycle up to 250cc and governed to 70mph. 19-21 – unrestricted motorcycle or scooter. That way anyone using the roads before they can drive a car will absolutely learn what road sense is. From 21-25 any car owned must be 1.6 litres engine capacity and speed governed to 70mph. from 25 onwards normal laws as of today apply.

Motorway maximum speed will increase to 90mph in the outside lane only. A-road dual carriageways and major routes will be set to 80mph unless in built up areas. Roads where house are will be 20mph, unless dual carriageways.

Railways will be re-nationalised and run as a service and NOT for profit. A large investment program will build new railways, including monorails along major route central reservations, a high speed network between major towns and cities to compare with Europe as well as local tram and light railway schemes. Land will be compulsorily purchased at the market rate and help provided to those displaced.

Air travel will also change. Heathrow development plans will remain but there will be no further expansion beyond a 6^th Terminal and a 3rd runway. The Government will look at building new off-shore airports which utilise high speed and local rail links to connect to the mainland. Passenger tax will be related to the flight cost and type of aircraft. Tax benefits will be given to any car manufacturer who makes a car than runs on hydrogen fuel cells. Investment in canals will re-start and incentives given to private firms who use them and the railways to deliver and carry freight.

Food and drink: We expect to encourage the growth of local food markets as seen in France and incentives will be given to farmers who deliver these markets and produce. We will withdraw from the CAP and allow our farmers to produce as much or as little as they like and operate in our own market. All food will be labelled Red, Amber or green, including restaurant menus and take-aways. Other than that we will butt out of people’s lives when it comes to food. Alcohol in supermarkets and off-li censes will be taxed to bring it into line with pub prices and will only be sold to people over 21 and EVERYONE will have to show I.D. Anyone caught supplying alcohol to a minor except under parental/guardian supervision will be fined a minimum of £1000 on the spot. Licensing hours will remain unrestricted according to local conditions.

Drugs: We don’t see the need for any drastic changes to alcohol laws except for culpability in the supply to minors and the consumption by minors. Cannabis will remain de-criminalised. We will introduce laws which legalise all narcotics as the “war on drugs” is a waste of time and is proven not to be effective. Since the dawn of time people have used drugs to lose inhibitions or feed creativity. We will sell these drugs, to adults over the age of 21 only with I.D. They will be quality controlled and stamped by The Government and sold in licensed premises only. They will be taxed at source. Anyone using the drugs will be responsible for the consequences and no legal recourse for death or injury to users will be accepted. The usage of drugs will be restricted to licensed outlets only, excluding those that sell alcohol, and private dwellings.

Crime: Anyone caught possessing a knife, in a public place, that is not sealed in a box and with a receipt from a licensed outlet will go to prison for 1 year (minimum). If this happens again then the sentence will be 5 years. Anyone caught with a gun, real or decommissioned will go to prison for 5 years (minimum). Anyone caught a second time will get 10 years and any further offences the sentence will be Life. Meaning Life. There will be only one Life tariff and it will mean until the day the offender dies. Murder will be automatic life. Manslaughter tariffs remain untouched. Murders caused by proven mental instability will mean Life in a specialised hospital. Paedophiles guilty of physical abuse will have their sexual organs removed or rendered permanently useless by chemical treatment. Those guilty of viewing, making or distributing Child porn will receive a minimum of 5 years. Prisons will remain centres of rehabilitation but this will only be offered to those who show genuine remorse and capability to be educated. Sentences will never be muted despite any prisoner achieving higher qualifications. We will build off-shore floating prisons similar to Oil Rigs for the high risk offenders. Visits will occur by video conference only. “Beat” police will return to the streets with powers to inter anyone over the age of 8 suspected of crime. Yes, we aim to scare the shit out of youngsters and make them fear the police and the law again! The maximum period inside will be a week before charges must be laid. 2 basic meals a day will be provided and no fresh clothes or washing capability will be supplied. Toilets will be of the slopping out variety. One phone call per stay will be permitted and one visit from a parent or guardian or in the case of an adult a relative will be allowed. We will re-instate the right of police to dish out physical restraint if necessary. We will reduce the prison loading by enforcing more Community Service so that offenders of lesser crimes (shoplifting, TV licence evasion etc) give something back. We will vastly expand the Community Service ethos.

Health: We believe each person has their own responsibility for this. It’s not for us to constantly nag about what you eat, drink or how much sun or exercise you get. Everyone knows by now what’d good and what’s bad, and schools will continue to teach this. But really, make your own mind up and accept the consequences. The NHS funding will remain as it is. Private healthcare will remain as it is. Freedom of choice to use what’s best for you will remain, but we would aim to ensure the differential between the NHS and the private sector is minimal. Which will mean a huge uplift in how the hospitals are run.

Europe: We believe large parts of European culture and life are very good but we don’t want to be interfered with by Eurocrats on trivial rubbish like minimum banana sizes. We will adopt the Euro currency and apply price controls to ensure profiteering does not occur. This protection will be in place for 5 years. Price rises will need to be authorised by a government body. We think another tunnel to France might be a good idea, but if we can build a bridge for rail to carry cars then we will look at this option. We will move to Central European time in order to preserve daylight during winter. If the Scots farmers don’t like it then they can vote through the Scottish parliament to change their time zones as happens now. It works in every other part of the world without business collapsing, so it can work here.

Security: Everyone will have an ID card and that’s the end of it. If you do nothing wrong then you won’t have a problem. Despite being part of Europe, we are an island and as such border controls will be in place. U.S Visitors will find they have to undergo just as stringent security processes as we have to in order to visit them. A Border Police Force will exist. Any searches by them will be re-instated as they found them. Terrorists, if found guilty will go to prison for life, unless their return to their country of origin means death in which case that’s where they’ll go.

The United Kingdom: Well, it’ll be a Republic so not a “Kingdom” as such anymore. We quite like UGB (United Great Britain), but maybe we’ll stick with Kingdom as a reminder of our past, until such time as we are no longer united….

Devolution: Referendums will be held once we restore PR Democracy and if it is the will of Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales to be independent then we will instigate a process to allow their detachment from us and their acceptance into Europe as separate entities. Cornwall is part of England and will stay that way. Live with it.

Freedom of Speech: There will be no blasphemy laws. If you’ve that much Faith then use it to rise above the people who challenge your religion. Don’t even think about protesting and issuing threats. That’ll just land you in prison.

Banking and business: The Post office will become the people’s bank, run as a service and not for profit, although any profit made will be re-invested just as nationalised entities should be run. . It will retain a monopoly on delivering letters by people, although private couriers for business post will continue. No Post offices will shut and in fact we will look to re-instate them where they have been closed previously. Any private banks that fail, such as Northern Rock, will have to operate like any other private business. We will look to free small businesses from unnecessary bureaucracy.

Education: Teachers will get a minimum 5% pay rise per year. School funding will increase. Distance learning will be encouraged (lessons on the web) and truancy will be punished both for the pupil and the parent/guardian. The balance of public/private will remain. University fees will be abolished and the grant system re-instated. The Open University will receive higher funding. The school leaving age will be raised to 18, unless college education is in place.

That’ll do for now! Any further ideas will be most welcome!

Later Dear Leader Grocerjack

2004-06-30T13:22:00.000-07:00

GoGB Terms and Conditions....

If you have done any of these things, empathise with any of them, have been the victim of any of them then you qualify for the GoGB (Guild of Grumpy Blokes). Suggestions are most welcome for additions.

1.) Qualification for membership is automatic after 40
2.) In some extenuating circumstances then entry may be allowed at an earlier age (see below).
3.) You think Technology sounds great, but are constantly disappointed and made angry by it
4.) You love gadgets but have to hide them, or buy them and smuggle them into use
5.) You hate Technology and know it's all crap
6.) You hate gadgets and gladly bumble on through life without being assaulted by information on every front.
7.) You like being un-contactable
8.) You have to lie about buying new golf clubs, or any associated sport or hobby equipment
9.) You believe there is a Ministry of Crap Design
10.) Today's music completely confuses you because there is no tune and you can't hear the words.
11.) You think Boy and Girl bands are production line talentless pap
12.) You think Girl bands are justifiable because they do look hot!
13.) Political correctness is a scourge on society in your view
14.) You grit your teeth when asked to do the shopping
15.) You pretend to be re-constructed New Man
16.) You pretend not to look at other women
17.) You have gone into the back of a car whilst letching at a woman on a hot day (instant entry for this) and then lied to your partner about how it happened
18.) You don't get Alcopops, what the fuck is wrong with beer?
19.) You hate the trend towards "Quiz TV" and abhor the constant pursuit of interactivity.
20.) You know, work for, or have worked for a David Brent (or are him)
21.) You think today's footballers are lightweights compared to the old days
22.) You are a letch, without a doubt, and are happy to admit this
23.) You are a letch, without a doubt, but dare not admit this!
24.) You glorify in finishing your dinner first, because it means you've won and yes, it is a race!
25.) You put things in safe places, so safe they can't be found again
26.) You are the best air guitarist in the world!
27.) You know that no matter what women say, size does matter!
28.) You know that English sport will always be bollocks and that we're not World beaters.
29.) You like a good sulk, in fact you are Olympic standard at sulking
30.) Radio 2 or Radio 5Live are now the stations of choice.
31.) You'd fuck Charlotte Church but wouldn't buy her album. Ditto Katie Melua, Natalie Imbruglia, Kylie Minogue and any other gorgeous young woman whose music is basically crap.
32.) You want to do Glastonbury but don't want to be laughed at or get muddy.
33.) You have farted, it's been well good, and then the prettiest woman in the office has walked over to you, she knows its you, you know its you, she pretends not to smell it, you pretend not to have dealt it. Yes, if that's happened , you're in.
34.) Eyebrow piercing on men...yeah right...what the fuck is that about?
35.) You won't admit to it, but trains, boats and planes fascinate you.
36.) Male Genital piercing....wankers only...yup
37.) You know the England football team will never win a major trophy in your life
38.) You can remember when we only had 3 TV channels
39.) You like having 120 channels of shit on the TV to choose from.
40.) There's always something to watch on Cable or Satellite TV
41.) Barmaids look the same age as your daughter...oh dear
42.) Recovery time for a hangover now averages between 24 and 36 hours after the event
43.) You start to enjoy gardening and...oh my fucking God...DIY!
44.) You walk into a room and can't remember why you went in there....
45.) The number of clicking noises from your joints when you get out of bed increases by at least one every week
46.) 50% of your mail comes from Saga.
47.) Most of the rest comes from Pfizer or their competitors.
48.) June Whitfield and Frank Windsor seem to be talking to you personally
49.) You have time to read the paper when .....ahem....laying some cable!
50.) You can never find your car keys. Lifetime membership for finding them deposited in the fridge or oven after an unremembered senior moment.
51.) If you ride a bike and put your own visibility as the top priority.
52.) Funfairs seem like no-go zones to your age group.
53.) You have a satellite navigation system
54.) Whenever you go to a social function the first topic of discussion with other blokes is what route you took to get there.
55.) The days when you went a whole night sleeping without a piss-break are long gone.

more to follow.....

Later GrocerJack

2004-03-31T10:35:00.000-08:00

Grocer Jacks Life Cast

A little site to keep tracks of the cast of my life. Some of these people are still there, others have been and gone, some will soon go.

My Family

Hellsbells - My wife, now aged 43. Mad as a March Hare. Heir to The Coven

Kid - my eldest daughter and in the midst of teenage apathy and angst.......am I getting old but the thought of her leaving school next year and going to college frightens the crap out of me?

Pie - my youngest daughter and now, horror of horrors..a teenager

Skank - middle brother, now 43, and eminently sensible and now married as well. Incredibly funny writer and general fat loafing bastard.

Dave - Re-united at Skanks wedding. A few pounds heavier (who isn't) and in tow with a new and obviously patient/mad girlfriend.

BigSykes - my brother in law, married to....

LittleSis - the youngest of the sisterhood and the weediest of The Coven despite the hard appearance

SmallSykes - another brother in law married to......

MiddleSis - the middle of the trio of sisters and the Hardest of The Coven despite soft appearances

Grand Master - the father of The Coven and husband to the Coven High Priestess.

Audrey Roberts - nee Medusa, nee Raptor, no longer becoming Camilla, The Coven High Priestess.

My Friends and other animals........

Mr Chelsea - my friend from the pub who supports the same team as me, unfortunately he doesn't realise this....his wife however.....

Mrs Chelsea - does realise this. Spends a lot of time time tutting at us :-)

Strings - a mate who was passionate about cycling and moved away before I got into it!

The King - my main golf partner and friend - a master of Gamesmanship!

The Major - another golfing partner and friend - crap at drinking, fantastic at golf and "loved up" to the point of being in a constant trance.

Bob6 - my friend in London, from many years ago - has no behavioural protocols at all and even less fashion sense.

My Fellow Inmates and The Screws

BillyBoy - The Director of The Customer facing Bit of the High tech Pipes, Tubes and Strings. Belgian. Straight talking and bloody clever. Brain the size of a planet.

Queen Wasp - BillyBoys boss. Good looking, fit, blonde, great with people. Ruthless and cold underneath, just as they all are at that level.

And now adding colour,

The Tub Thumper

My new boss. A tub thumping, anti-evolution, anti-abortion, anti-science bible basher. Oh the joy........

Others...

The Nanny Government - Mr Brown and his gang of arselikhan wannabes. Although Gordon Brown is worse than that. He's just a cunt of the highest order of cuntliness.

The Ministry of Crap Design - a secretive civil service department, more secretive than MI5/6, with a mission statement to fuck our lives up by ensuring nothing EVER does what it says on the tin!

Chelsea FC - The love of my life. No matter how cruel to me they are.

The AirwayMen - a collective term for the bunch of thieves, robbers, charlatans and bastards that we know as The Airlines! Have a bigger right to legally rob us than the Inland Revenue!

The Company - the mega-corporation I work for. Becomes more Americanised by the day :-(

The Absolute Horrible Fucking Cunts - collective name for Arsenal FC, Liverpool FC and its vile fans, dustbin men, car park attendants, London Underground, the Train Operating companies, National Rail, any Local Authority, Microsoft, Museum Curators, SKY TV, Birmingham Midshires, ITV, The Daily Mail.

The GoGB - The Guild of Grumpy Blokes - entry rules posted on an early blog - I am the founder and President for life.

More later, Grocerjack