A Day in the Life

Crokinole!

2009-06-12T09:00:00.000-04:00

Ok, I don't expect many people to know what crokinole is, but it's a great game. Why checkers is popular when crokinole isn't is beyond me. I personally don't get it - checkers is so boring. So, having said that, I think it's time we take crokinole to another level.

I've been thinking, and these are the ingredients that I think are required for anything to be popular these days -

1. Sex appeal
2. Violence
3. Fun
4. Not boring (thanks to our over-stimulating environment, we can't pay attention to anything for longer than about 2 minutes. I'd be surprised if anyone is even still reading this...I'm even a little bored myself.)

Anyway, 3 and 4 take care of themselves, as it's a fun, fast paced game. Games are quick, the concept is simple, and it's fun.

Numbers 1 and 2 are a little harder, so, that's where I propose to initiate the United Federation of Crokinole, or UFC. Here's how I envision it

**That little "of" is important, as it prevents us from getting sued (or at least I hope it does.)

Now, this in and of itself doesn't make it violent, BUT, it might draw attention to the Federation from people who are looking for violent things (actually, maybe that's not the crowd we're interested in....whatever, we'll worry about that later.) If someone comes out just to either a) get punched in the face, or b) see someone get punched in the face, I'm sure I can set something up.

This last important detail is the sex appeal part, so I figure this can go on our posters. Maybe, when we really hit the big time, we can really have hot models at events. Or maybe just models, or, maybe just any woman at all.

So, there you have it, that's my plan to take crokinole from obscurity into the big time. If cup stacking can make it, surely crokinole can. Sport??. McDonald's Commercial??? I really don't get it. Crokinole, people, I'm telling you.

Every once in a while...

2009-04-20T17:58:00.003-04:00

Every once in a while I see something that is just so shocking that I think, "I have to blog this..." This, is one of those times. While perusing the catalogs that are sitting around, I found some 'interesting' things.

California octuplets' mom already has 6 kids

2009-01-30T18:58:00.002-05:00

I found this report that says the mother of the octuplets already has 6 kids.

In reporting on "The Early Show" that the mother already has six other children, a CBS reporter who visited the woman's Los Angeles-area home cited two unnamed acquaintances. It has also been reported that the mother has decided to change her name to "Gourteen" for their upcoming TLC show, "John and Gourteen plus fourteen".

That's right John and Kate, fourteen! Next time you want to complain about having 8 small kids, just think about poor Gourteen.

Update on Reality TV Dating Shows

2009-01-08T20:49:00.003-05:00

As I've said before, I hate The Bachelor/Bachelorette. I find it pretty disgusting that they pretend that the show is about people finding true love, and then living happily ever after, when in reality, it's all about getting 2 or more people to "fall in love" with one person (or one person to "fall in love" with 2 people) and then watch as they go through emotional hell and then be crushed when they aren't chosen. Having said that, I did watch the first episode of The Bachelor this week, and it appears that it'll be full of heart-wrenching emotional destruction while Jason looks to recover from his public crushing at the hands of that vile Deanna (may have spelled that wrong, don't care to look it up). The show itself sucked, but the preview for the upcoming weeks was just full of torture. The producers of that show are so sadistic, it's kind of sad that we all find it so entertaining (it's also sad that nobody thinks it's a horrible show for what they do to poor saps like Jason). So, what can we look forward to?? Well, to torture Jason, they bring back Deanna. The beauty of this is, that they not only torture Jason, but they also torture her, AND, they also torture all the women who think that they're at some sort of disadvantage. Awesome. Where else could you possibly have provided that much emotional torture with only one thing? Brilliant. The tears and heart-ache in that preview almost makes me want to continue to watch. Almost. Why almost? Well, because in that preview they showed Jason 'proposing' to an unknown woman, whose identity they so cleverly concealed. Or did they?? That's right, I'm so superbly perceptive that I noticed something in that preview that (I believe) has given away the identity of the woman to whom Jason proposes. After a nauseating amount of rewinding and squinting and slow motion (that even my wife was growing tired of) I feel that I know who he picks. The beauty of this is, a) I can ruin the show for people (which may be mean, but, that show is horrid, so it shouldn't really be enjoyed anyway, unless you're evil) and b) I don't have to watch (except to revel in the emotional pain that people are going through while they get their hearts shredded on national tv). If you don't want to know who I think he picks and the associated 'evidence', then don't watch this video (it's not Lisa).

Next is possibly the greatest dating show ever. Better than Flava of Love, and better than A Shot at Love (with Tila Tequila). That's right, it's A Double Shot at Love with the Ikki Twins. Just when you thought it couldn't get any more dysfunctional than Tila Tequila's 12 dudes vs. 12 lesbians, we get dudes and lesbians, but they're competing for bi-sexual twins! You can tell the calibre of a dating show by how trashy the contestants are, and by that definition, this show is very low calibre. Anyway, that Bachelor part took a lot out of me, so I don't really have anything to say about the Ikki twins, other than it's odd that they call themselves 'ikki', and that I imagine that one will pick a dude, and the other will pick a lesbian, and in about 2 weeks, the Ikki twins will be back to obscurity - possibly porn, if they're lucky, and the 'winners' will be back to the trailer park. I guess the most important thing is that people's feelings will be hurt, they will cry, and they may be scarred and prevented from having a functional relationship in the future, and, really, isn't that what these shows are all about?

I blessed the rains down in Africa

2009-01-03T12:01:00.008-05:00

Ok, after some pressure to write a post about Africa, here goes... (you can play this in the background if you wish - sidenote - I got an ipod for Christmas, so I've been uploading all my cds, and I have rediscovered Howie Day. I remember going to a Tori Amos concert with my sister about 7 years ago just because Howie Day was the opening act. He's crazy talented, but I think he's had drug problems, and he was associated with Britney Spears for a time, so he's pretty much gone down the shitter.)

Anyway, back to Africa. Africa is a continent, and it turns out, it's pretty huge, and it takes forever to get there. I believe there was something like 36 hours of travel time (including layovers in London and Johannesburg) to get where we were going (Zambia) where we took a helicopter tour of Victoria Falls.

This was our 'hotel' room in Zambia.

The following is where I was afraid there was some crazy big bug ready to jump out and kill me.

It turned out that there really weren't that many bugs around. We did happen across a grasshopper so big you could have ridden it, but it was fairly benign, so it was all good. There were some flies and mosquitos, but it wasn't that bad.

From Zambia, we went to Botswana, where the majority of our tour was. Botswana is a stable, "successful" country (I put successful in quotes because I mostly determine success based on the number of reality tv shows that originate in a particular area, so, by some people's criteria, it is successful, however, I feel it's questionable.) Botswana is right next to Zimbabwe, which is a shit-hole by most people's standards, and was blamed for the robbery that took place in one of our first lodges. Basically, the single room 'hut' next to ours was broken into in the middle of the night and robbed. Apparently there was no key to that hut, so the theory was that it was a bit of an inside job. Regardless, I was awakened in the middle of the night by yelling and banging and it was really quite terrifying. I can handle having things stolen while nobody is around, but having people steal stuff when the victim is sleeping with the threat of being shot (they claimed to have guns) is a little different. Regardless, I'm kind of glad that we experienced that, as it was a wake up call regarding the fact that we were no longer in Canada. Desperate people (from Zimbabwe no doubt! We hated those punks from Zimbabwe) do desperate things, which I'm not used to here.

Anyway, this is getting long, and we're only on the first night, so I'll just throw up some pictures and say that it was quite an experience to go to Africa, and if anyone is interested in wildlife trips, I really can't imagine anything being better. The number and concentration of animals was almost overwhelming at times and it never really got tiring watching a herd of them walk by.

Happy New Year!!!

2008-12-31T15:20:00.002-05:00

Oh New Years! It's my favourite time of year. I'm going to go a few parties and get really drunk (high five!) and maybe score with some chicks! Or at least that's what I'm going to be telling people tomorrow when I get asked what I did for New Years (except for that 'scoring with chicks' bit, I'm married now). In reality, I'm just going to be sitting here playing Facebook poker with someone from Turkey who probably told their friends they were out getting drunk as well. Hey, at least I'm being honest.

Worst Song Ever

2008-12-16T23:24:00.002-05:00

(I originally posted this a couple of Christmases ago, but I heard it on the radio today and thought that I had to re-post it.)

The Christmas Shoes

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood.
(maybe if you didn't wait until the last second to buy stuff you'd be in a better mood, dipshit)
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing 'round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes.

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say,
(I could believe it. What do you expect from a dirty looking kid in a store? Do you honestly think he has money? I'd just go to another line, as you know it's going to take a while.

Chorus:
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
Did you ever think that it might make her smile more if you were physically there when she died? Maybe she was so sad that you weren't there that she died of a broken heart...
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight.
What the hell?! Why is Daddy letting you run around by yourself? Where is Daddy? His name isn't K-Fed is it? Jesus is probably the name of the pool boy that mom is screwing on the side anyways.
Mom - I want to look good for Jesus tonight!
Kid - Why Mommy, are you sick??
Mom - Ummmm yeah, sick. Sick of your father...
Kid - What?
Mom - Nothing.

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
See?? Should have gone to another line.
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
Don't look at me, kid. I'm not a charity.
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes.
You should have thought about that before you tried to buy something with no money. Grown ups trade money for goods and/or services, so I suggest you either go ask your father for the money, or maybe get a job.

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
What? What does that teach the kid?
I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama's gonna look so great.
Unless it's an open casket, it doesn't really matter

Bridge:
I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
By using a poor kid and his dying mother to remind you that you shouldn't be an asshole while you're in line buying an ipod and PS3 that you really don't need? Heaven's love indeed. Why doesn't heaven love the poor kid with the sick mother?
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about

And what exactly did it teach you about Christmas? Some poor kid, with no money has a sick and dying mother and you buy him a pair of shoes and then feel good about yourself? What a great story! What about the kid? What does he learn about God's love? God doesn't love poor kids who beg for shoes. He only kills their mothers? Plus, Christmas is about the birth of Jesus, which, if I'm not mistaken, isn't mentioned in this song.

The choir of little kids singing at the end is really too much too. Fuck this song sucks.

More Christmas Ads

2008-12-07T15:58:00.008-05:00

It's Almost Christmas!!

2008-12-07T14:16:00.011-05:00

Yup, it's almost Christmas, and with that comes ads. Lots and lots of ads. Usually, stores will say whatever it takes to get you to buy their crap, however, I found it pleasantly surprising that they're being honest this Christmas.

I love educational toys. It's never too early to begin teaching your kids about men's and women's roles in society.

The other day...

2008-11-07T20:35:00.002-05:00

The other day I was out at Sport Chek (buying a yoga mat, I think) and I happened to look at the running stuff (because I always look at running stuff). I'm all for whatever might make me run faster, stay cooler, or whatever. So, I came across some shorts and they were on sale, and they were basically what I wanted. They have the kind of bike short lining under the running short. Bike shorts are supposed to better keep your muscles from bouncing around, thus making for more efficient running, and less lost energy keeping your muscles from bouncing around. Anyways, I bought 2 pairs and left. While walking through the mall, I thought, "Hmmmm, I didn't even check to see if these were men's or women's shorts" (although they were with all the other mens stuff). Anyways, to make a long story short, they're women's shorts! Man, what a homo. They're smalls too. That's right, I wear a women's small.

I like them, so I decided to keep them, but I have one question,

Do these shorts make my ass look big?

Halloween!!

2008-10-28T19:06:00.011-04:00

Well, it's time again for a Halloween post! This year, I'm going to change it up a bit and write about how women's costumes are all slutty, and that while you think you're going as a "sexy leprechaun", you're really going as a "whore".

Now, while perusing the slutty costumes, I came across 3 things that I found rather disturbing. In no particular order -

1. These two "Sexy Scarecrow" costumes

don't cost the same! The one on the right is $10 cheaper than the one on the left! This to me is blatantly discriminatory! Why? Because the fat girl has to pay more! Do I have to pay less for my 28 waist jeans than the guy who buys size 42? No. Is he getting twice the amount of material?? Yes. If I had any skill with a sewing machine I could buy fat jeans and then tailor them into 2 pairs of skinny jeans, buy I digress. The fat woman should not have to pay more for her costume, and she should be able to dress like a whore for the same amount of money as anyone else.

2. These are advertised as "teen" costumes.

Teens (boys and girls) don't need any help being whores, so I think these "Teen" costumes are a little inappropriate. Especially the convict one, but ESPECIALLY the french maid one. Ask any dude what comes to mind when you say "French Maid" and I guarantee you it isn't, "What innocent teens dress up as to go to a Halloween party with friends where they sit around exchanging recipes before getting tired and heading back home to bed." French Maid = Sex fantasy, so teen girls should NOT be dressing up as French Maids.

3. Finally, what the hell is this???

If you guessed "a Ghostbuster", you'd be wrong, because I think the description was "sexy Ghostbuster", but, I've seen both Ghostbuster movies, and I don't recall anything that looked like her in that movie. Maybe there's a Ghostbuster movie I'm not aware of...Just a sec...I'll check...Nope. I searched for Ghostbusters porn as well, but was afraid to click on any of the links.... Anyway, they're not even trying with this costume. They just took a slutty costume, slapped a Ghostbuster symbol on it, and called her a Ghostbuster! It's blasphemy (if you worship ghostbusters as your almighty saviour, that is).

So, having said that, I've decided to open my own costume store. Here are some of my creations.

Anyway, Happy "Dress Like a Whore" day!!

Yoga

2008-10-25T15:33:00.008-04:00

My wife and I signed up for yoga class. Yoga people are weird. They're so calm and serene, it kind of creeps me out. It can't possibly be good for you either. They must have a lot of pent up anger in them just waiting for that day when someone does downward dog wrong and they just snap and kick the shit out of them. (side note - any single guys out there who want to meet hot toned women, take yoga. I'm the only guy in the class. You can thank me later.)

Anyway, back to the part about yoga people being weird. Look at this mat (that I bought)

Come on now! Are there seriously any people out there who would be lying on their mat doing some yoga pose thinking, "I just can't stop thinking that this yoga mat is going to spend all eternity sitting in a landfill somewhere." It's especially kooky because that same person probably drove their gas-guzzling SUV to yoga class.

It also came with a warning -

I have a hard time believing that doing yoga has killed many people. Having said that, I decided to check the good old internet to see if anyone actually has been killed doing yoga, and guess what?! They have! Check out these pictures!

The lion and the anvil I can deal with, I'll just do yoga inside, but shit, her head just fell off! That's CRAZY.

I had an idea!!

2008-10-16T21:31:00.005-04:00

I call it "assbook". The idea is that you take a picture of your ass, and then post it online for all your long lost friends from highschool to see! Why you ask? Well, because, let's be honest here, you don't really care about Suzy from grade 12, you just want to know if she's gotten fat over the years.

I'm back baby!!

2008-10-14T22:18:00.004-04:00

Hello?? Is anyone there?? I'm sorry I've neglected this blog, but recently I've had a flood of creativity where everywhere I look I see something and think, "I should blog about that." Well, because I don't want to waste any "A" material on a first post that nobody will read, I will write a short summary of what I've been doing for the past 6 months.

March - Stopped blogging.
April - Bought a Wii (which may not have been in April, but it did happen at some point)
May - can't remember
June - can't remember
July - Got married in Jamaica.

August - Ummm, revelled in newly wed bliss??
September - Hit 32 tiger attack free years! I celebrated this impressive feat by trying to get attacked by a lion, but alas, it did not occur.

I had to go all the way to Africa to do it too!
October - Decided to start blogging again.

There you have it. Consider yourselves caught up. Now, don't consider the fact that I walked with lions as an endorsement of the activity, as I've since heard that maybe it's not the best kind of thing to support, BUT, I'll claim ignorance, as I believed what they told me (which may be true, I don't know...) I may have some other Africa related posts coming up, depends on my ability to keep writing posts... I think I'll write some right now in the hopes that I get my 4 readers back.

Vogue is Racist, Sexist, and Probably Isn't Big on Gays

2008-03-28T23:55:00.010-04:00

Well, apparently, the LeBron James/Gisele Bundchen cover of Vogue is "racially insensitive"

Here it is.

"James strikes what some see as a gorilla-like pose, baring his teeth, with one hand dribbling a ball and the other around Bundchen's tiny waist."

I can't help but agree here. I can't believe how 'racially insensitive' this magazine is!!

At first I thought that they should just have put a different picture on the cover - until I saw the other options!!

I mean, look at this one!

It doesn't even have any black people in it at all!!! Apparently this photo was taken just after the photographer suggested that a black person be included in the shoot, and just before they simultaneously responded, "Are you fucking kidding me???"

Here are some other LeBron/Gisele shots.

This one (above), incredibly, shows Gisele 'holding down' LeBron as if to say, "I am white, I am better than you, and I will over-power you and push you down".

While they're not speaking, this photo speaks louder than words.

Gisele - "Look at my breasts! And while you're doing that, I'm going to pull this ball away from you because I control you!!"

LeBron - "I got my own ball n****!"

Also, more subtle, but no less blatantly racist is the shape that Gisele is contorting to. What does it look like?? Well, it looks like the 'greater than' sign (>). This picture, translated to words clearly says, "White > Black", and well, that's just not ok.

I'm really not sure what this picture depicts. One thing I am sure of though, is that it offends me to the very core of my being.

Now, on to the sexist pictures.

The man (on the right) is ahead of the woman, one step in front. She's trying desperately to catch up, to be equal, but the sexy cheerleader outfit has too much wind resistance and it's pulling her back. That's right, the sexy cheerleader stereotype is preventing the woman from being equal to the man.

This one, well, it really doesn't take a rocket scientist to see how this may be considered sexist. I could make up something up about him carrying her off to have sex with because he owns her or something, but I don't really think I have to make that up. It really does depict that. Disgusting, utterly disgusting.

Holy Crap!

2008-02-25T19:57:00.003-05:00

Man, it has been a while. What ever could I have been doing for the past month you ask? Well, not much. I did decide that it would be a good idea to take a painting class. Painting looks so easy. Well, news flash, it's not. Stupid instructor just splatters paint on paper and it looks like a river and some pine trees. I do it and it just looks like crap.

I got a new tv too. It's 46 inches of pure viewing pleasure. High definition is cool, but sometimes you see too much. Take the Oscars for example. Man, you can see every little wrinkle. And, (not that I was looking) the picture is so clear you can see the veins in Jessica Alba's breasts. I never would have thought that a picture of Jessica Alba's breasts would be "too clear".

What else... I got engaged. That's also new. We're going to Jamaica in July and we're getting hitched. There are like, 3 things to plan for a wedding in Jamaica and it's kinda stressful. I can't imagine planning a huge wedding here. Yech.

Anyways, thank you for asking where I was. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I'm sorry I've neglected this blog recently. I'll try to update more often, I promise.

Special K Revisited

2008-01-02T22:40:00.000-05:00

Special K is a cereal. Now, maybe I eat Special K because I like it, maybe it's because I believe it to be good for me, maybe it's because I just want to look like the people on the box. Who knows? One thing I do know is this - if I go to the United States and buy Special K, it doesn't look like the Special K that I buy in Canada. Why is that? What are "they" up to?

Look! They both say "Original"! Look at them! One is flat like Corn Flakes and the other doesn't look like Corn Flakes at all! One is not original. One is a dirty filthy liar.

Well, I decided that to find out why, the best way would be to go to the source. That's right, Mr. Kellogg himself. He didn't answer, but a Mr. Pablo A. Martinez from the Consumer Affairs Department did and he said the following:

Thank you for writing to us about Special K®.

We always look for ways to maximize our brands on a global basis while remaining sensitive to the local tastes and cultures within each market. Extensive market research helps us assess whether a brand can be successfully introduced in multiple markets. The formulation of the products is different due to the varying preferences when it comes to taste and texture in any given market.

We appreciate your interest in our company and products.

Huh? "Varying preferences when it comes to taste and texture in any given market"? Is that true?? Will Americans buy more Special K because it looks like Corn Flakes? Do Americans like Corn Flakes that much?? Or, I suppose, do Canadians dislike Corn Flakes that much? Come to think of it, the thought of those little flakes of 'corn' does kind of disgust me.

My in depth investigation also uncovered that Special K is also a drug.

Because I'm so thorough with my reporting, I thought I'd try it myself.

So, in closing, Special K is a healthy cereal that looks different depending on which county you live in. I don't recommend snorting it, just eat it like any other health conscious woman would. This is partly because it stings, and partly because after a while, you find that not only do you eat it at breakfast, you'll also find yourself needing it at lunch, dinner and then when you hit rock bottom, even snorting it off some hooker's chest in the back room of some filthy club.

Note: Sorry for the crappy photography in this post. It's not easy to do day-to-day things when you're hepped up on Special K.

Miss Poor Judgement

2007-12-29T12:11:00.001-05:00

Yes, it's true, I've posted two days in a row!

Miss France gets to keep her crown! Not that anyone really cares. I imagine she probably has more to gain (money-wise) by posing naked in suggestive photos than she does as Miss France or Miss Universe*. If I were Valerie Begue, I wouldn't want the title "Miss France" to tarnish my reputation as a slut.

Regardless, these are both clearly for advertisements.

This one is for "100% Pure Satan's spooge". Now in a can! Gone are the embarassing days of sucking off some guy who claims to be Satan, only to find out that he's just some homeless guy who lives in the alley.

This one is for the "Crucifixion Water Mattress". Can't walk on water? Well, try lying on the water in this new crucifixion water mattress! Christians everywhere will be dying to try out this new product!

* - Miss Universe should probably be called "Miss Known Universe" as there may be some pretty hot women (or aliens, I suppose) that we just don't know about. It's pretty arrogant of us to have a Miss Universe pageant when we don't even invite anyone from outside our solar system.

Tiger Attack!!

2007-12-28T23:41:00.000-05:00

I've gone 31 years with no tiger attack, which, to borrow words from my girlfriend, "is about 10 years more than these chumps."

See? It's possible. You really have to be careful, especially when you know tigers are around.

The thing that annoys me is they shot the tiger. Tigers are endangered, morons are not. To look on the bright side, at least they'll have 4 more ashtrays in the giftshop.

Special K

2007-12-13T20:17:00.000-05:00

Why is the Special K that you buy in the States different than the Special K that you buy in Canada? American Special K is flatter, like Corn Flakes while the Canadian version is rounder, like Rice Krispies. Wouldn't you think that it all comes from the same factory in China somewhere?

Facebook

2007-11-24T18:06:00.000-05:00

I was thinking about joining Facebook, but then I didn't.

The Bachelor

2007-11-07T22:57:00.000-05:00

I've been exposed to this show for 2 weeks in a row now (which is partly my fault) but it's a horrible horrible show. The whole point is to get 2 or more women to fall in love with one guy and then have him crush all but one on national tv for our entertainment. Anyone who says the point of the bachelor is a romantic one or a positive one is pretty naive. The other annoying thing about this show is that all these women think they're in love with the guy. You could put any dude up there and that same woman who was just broken hearted over Brad's rejection would be broken hearted over that other guy who she was supposed to fall in love with. How can you possibly fall in love over a few weeks while camera crews follow you around and while the person you're 'falling in love' with is seeing multiple other people?? I mean, he gave all 3 keys to the 'fantasy suite'! My first question, if I were one of the girls would be, "before I accept this key, who else did you give it to and why?" Either he's playing all 3 for some sexy time in the fantasy suite, or he's deliberately leading 2 of them on, which, doesn't say much about his character. This show veils itself under the guise of 'helping 2 people find each other' when it's really about us taking pleasure in other people's emotional traumas. Maybe they should have multiple bachelors instead of just one.

I've been watching "A Shot at Love" with Tila Tequila, and that show rules! I find it entertaining for the same reasons I watch "Flava of Love". I suppose I don't value the feelings and emotional health of white trash as much as 'normal' people.

Halloween!! (basically the same post as previous Halloweens, because, really, how much is there to say?)

2007-10-27T11:10:00.000-04:00

So, MSN has an article about "What your Halloween costume says about you"

Here's my interpretation of what the following Halloween costumes 'reveal' about the people wearing them.

The woman who dresses as "Captain Booty" is a woman with loose morals who will have sex with you in the bathroom at a party.

The woman who dresses as an "Alpine Girl" is a woman with loose morals who will have sex with you in the bathroom at a party. This is made obvious by the fact that the only reason to dress up like an "Alpine Girl" is to go out in the skimpiest, sluttiest costume so, when someone asks, "Are you a prostitute?" she can respond "No silly! I'm an Alpine Girl!"

The woman who dresses as the exceedingly suggestive "Cavegirl" is a woman with loose morals who will have sex with you. Period. Why go all the way to the bathroom when the Cavegirl will do it on the couch with people watching? You get laid, and you don't even lose your spot! It's win-win with the Cavegirl. (Also, I think the cavegirl who decided to wear the fish nets on her legs as opposed to using it to, oh, I don't know, catch fish, probably didn't survive to reproduce, so not only is she a cavegirl, but a dumb one. If it's wrong to expect historical accuracy in Halloween costumes then I don't want to be right.)

The woman who dresses as the "Gold Digger" is one to stay away from (after you have sex with her in the bathroom, of course.) You see, she chooses the gold digger because that's exactly what she is. In fact, she might not even have sex with you in the bathroom of the party, she might insist you take her to a hotel or to the backseat of a moderately expensive car.

The woman who dresses as "Cat Woman" is a woman with loose morals who will have sex with you. Now, if you think the Cat Woman is going to have sex with you in the bathroom at a party, you're sorely mistaken. No sir, those pants are way too hard to put back on after a quickie on the sink. You're going to have to take her back to your place. While still a sure thing, approach Cat Woman at the end of the night, not beginning.

The woman who goes as a "Pin Up" is just dumb. You see, without the wind blowing up the skirt, there's no difference between that costume and something you might wear to a garden party in July. Spend time with this woman if you like to hear people ask, "So, you're going to a garden party?" To which she'll respond, "I didn't realize that there wouldn't be a constant wind blowing up my skirt, it looked good in the picture. I thought the wind was included."

Now, to be fair, I'll do some male costumes as well.

The man who dresses as a referee, a gladiator, a pirate, or Hef will try to have sex with any of the costumes listed above. He is a man-whore with little else on his mind.

The man who dresses up as Jason is a guy who still lives in his parent's basement. He cares more about the costume than the sex with slutty women. You'll see him in character most of the night wondering why none of the women will talk to him and why the bathroom always seems to be occupied.

Happy Halloween.

(If you think these costumes are over the top, check this out. There's even a picture in a bathroom! (not sure if it's pre or post sex though.)

Join Millions Across the Globe! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired October 3)

2007-10-19T12:53:00.000-04:00

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

00:20 – Apparently the Emmys were a ‘moral disappointment’. I think I have to agree here. Didn’t “Dick in a Box” win an Emmy? How many times do I have to say it?? Dicks don't belong in boxes! They belong neatly tucked into one's pants or shorts.

1:00 – Rexella reminds us (for those of you who don’t watch regularly) that they have a cat named “Finnicka”. She then pulls up an article about a cat named Oscar who can predict when nursing home patients are going to die. Anyways, Jack basically says that if that cat were coming up to him, he’d just shoo it away. What Jack doesn’t know though is, you can’t shoo away the death cat. I’m not that impressed with the death cat anyways. Isn’t predicting nursing home deaths kind of like predicting which innercity kid is going to end up in prison?

5:22 – Rexella says that they’ve been to 50 countries, but never Africa. Well Rexella, news flash, Africa isn’t a country. Rexella mentions that animals in Africa are decreasing in numbers and she shows us a picture of a lion. Jack references Peter 1 5v8 – “Be vigilant, be sober because your adversary, the devil, as a roaring lion, walks about seeking who he may devour.” That's right people. Satan = lions. Kill them. Kill them all.

Ok, this is important (for all you lion haters out there). Satan, used to be pals with God up there in heaven, but one day he sinned. That’s right, SINNED. What was his sin you may ask? Pride. What do you call a group of lions? That's right, a "PRIDE". I think even the most anti-religious people out there can figure out what that means.

8:00 – now they’re onto drugs and alcohol. “Drug related shootings leave 6 dead”. Of course it's probably 6 drug dealers, so really, drug related shootings aren't bad at all. I personally would like to see more drug related shootings.

Brand new OFFER OF THE WEEK! Tobacco, liquor, drugs, porn, promiscuity, swearing, gambling, gossip, hatred and pride. No, no, it's not about me, it's about addictions and probably how all that fun stuff listed above is bad.

15:43 – On to the Emmys! Kathy Griffin said some mean things about his Jesus. Jack is pretty mad about this. He says that if she were Muslim and she said about Allah that she’d be running for her life now. I think the gist of what he’s saying is that we Christians should be more like the Muslims. So, while you're out there killing lions, shoot some infidels as well (ie. most anyone). Just don't shoot the drug dealers, as apparently that's bad.

19:00 - He then gets mad a Sally Field who said something about the “Goddammed War”. Of course it was bleeped out (rightfully so) because she’s a filty blasphemer just like Kathy Griffin. Although, it is a war, probably damned by God, so it’s a technically accurate statement.

Now he goes off on the Sopranos and says, that there’s something wrong with your Christianity if you watch it. I'd say though, that by supporting HBO and their 14 part series about addiction (which he mentions in his OFFER OF THE WEEK!!) you're also supporting the Sopranos. Jack, you're such a hypocrite!

Man, that was hard. I'm a little rusty.

Update!!!

2007-10-17T20:07:00.000-04:00

Well, I've let this blog slide a bit, with all the working and tv watching that I've been doing. Now, I have some "good" ideas but since nobody reads this anymore, I don't want to waste my time. Show me some love people. I worked so hard over the years to get my 8 readers, now I've let it all slide. Why have I been so foolish!?

Of course I'll still post my 'good' ideas, but I'll silently (or not so silently, as demonstrated above) sit here and accept the fact that I've neglected my blog and lost my audience.

On an unrelated note, we just took a guy out for dinner and tried to get him to do the "72 ounce challenge" where he has to eat a 72 ounce steak in an hour to get it all down. He only managed 63 ounces. I can't imagine eating 4 pounds of meat.