Our Box of Rain

32w3d

2008-07-23T12:22:00.004-04:00

I had the distinct pleasure last night of overhearing my father's fiancee informing someone I don't know (over the phone) that I look huge and she doubts I'll make it to their wedding in three and a half weeks. This left me incredibly pissed off.

First, I don't think I look particularly huge. My fundal height measurements have been on target each week, and my weight gain (23 pounds) has been perfectly within reason, according to my doctor. People still tell me I don't look pregnant from behind. I don't waddle. I can still, for the most part, do the things I used to do, though I do get tired more quickly. How many pregnant people has she been around lately? Her son lives a plane ride away, so I doubt she saw her daughter-in-law during the late stages of her pregnancy (and I know she wasn't there for the birth since she and my dad decided the week her first grandchild was due was a good time to go to Europe, which I would have found incredibly insulting had it been me who gave birth at the time).

Second, and more importantly since I would feel the same way even were I currently huge (which, perhaps, I am), I don't really get why being pregnant somehow makes it acceptable to discuss my size with complete strangers. Were I not pregnant, it would be considered incredibly rude to discuss that topic. I was half inclined to discuss with people while she was within earshot the fact that she walks like an elderly person for no medical reason and that I wonder whether she'll be able to walk down the aisle at her wedding, but, well, I'm not a bitch. She also touched me without permission, which makes me very uncomfortable. PREGNANT PEOPLE ARE NOT PUBLIC PROPERTY!!! No touching and no public commentary, PLEASE.

Am I being overly sensitive? I normally really like this woman but I'm really having trouble getting past this one.

Oh, I added last week's belly shot, so you can judge my current size for yourself. It was at 31w4d, I think.

Lest anyone think I disappeared, we are on vacation for a couple of weeks. Internet access is spotty for now and will be nonexistent next week.

Progress on the Room That Shall Not Be Named

2008-07-14T07:54:00.003-04:00

Though it wouldn't have been obvious to anyone who knew us, we knew that at some point we were going to have to turn our small room full of junk into a room that someone could live in.

Well, that point came this weekend, as the furniture was delivered on Saturday. Once the furniture was in, P was really gung-ho to get the rest of the room together, as best we could (as was I). We had already painted the room and hung the valance, but we assembled the glider and the mobile and put the bedding on the crib and hung a couple of things on the walls. We still need shelving, and something with which to hang the comforter from the bedding set on the wall, and we don't have the changing pad on the dresser since we don't have a cover for it yet, and the ottoman isn't in there because it makes the tiny room look even more crowded than it does already, but we now have a room someone could live in.

From the door:

Also from the door, but looking right:

From the window, looking at the door:

Standing in front of the dresser:

As you can see, the room is really small (7x11) and therefore really crowded. And the closet, which is also the access to the attic (though it also, rather usefully, has a built-in dresser), is still filled with junk, which is why the door is closed in every picture. But it's a room. And someone could live in it. In fact, we put a stuffed animal in the crib just to give the illusion that someone does live in it (the bear will not actually live in the crib -- it's our fake small person for now).

It really seems rather extraordinary. Since Saturday, P and I have both frequently found ourselves standing in the doorway, looking in, realizing how close we really are. I can't believe we only have two months to go.

Bathing in Something

2008-07-09T08:50:00.005-04:00

Yesterday, my colleagues threw P and I a surprise baby shower (we don't work together -- they invited him to come over from his office, so it wasn't a surprise for him). It was our first shower, and their generosity was truly amazing. We got so much stuff -- they all chipped in and got us our Pack N Play (and a sheet for it), our infant car seat, an extra car seat base, a Snuzzler, a play mat, a few toys, and a bunch of books. We had to use two mail carts to get it all to the car. They made chocolate chip cookies as well as frosted cookies in baby shapes (feet and ducks and letters spelling BABY) and had an ice cream cake. Mmmm...ice cream cake. I wish I had pictures! The whole thing was truly unreal. And, again, their generosity was beyond compare.

Between the gifts and the stuff we bought for ourselves used (bouncy seat, swing, and high chair), it looks like we live in a combo Graco-Fisher Price factory. Oddly, though, none of it seems real yet. It feels a bit like we're acting as if, going about our business as though we really and truly believe there will be a baby in the end, which I'm not sure I've truly integrated into my world view yet. The crib and dresser are being delivered this weekend, and we'll probably start to set up the small room at that point (since right now it only has a valance and a hamper and a closet filled with junk, which was apparently Ps idea of "cleaning out the room" -- that said, I'm really glad he did it, since clearly I hadn't done it and we really needed to paint). I suspect this all will only exacerbate this suspension of disbelief sensation.

Speaking of showers, our "big" shower (i.e. the friends and family one) isn't until August, by which point I'll be at 35 weeks. I have some serious concerns about this shower, but there isn't much I can do. My mother wanted to plan it, which seemed like the worst possible idea, given her alcoholism and narcissism and whatall. (As a couple of examples from the day she asked to plan it: She suggested doing it at the old folks home my grandmother lives in (because it would be convenient for her, even though it would be inconvenient for us and for all our friends and for all our other relatives, none of whom live near there) -- the same place she said was "too depressing" to spend Mother's Day. She also gave me two dates all summer that she was free -- both while we were on vacation. She had concert tickets for the dates that were best for us and was unwilling to miss one.) So, when she asked if she could plan it, I told her that others had also asked to be involved in planning, then I asked those others to please pretend they had asked to be involved in planning, so as to avoid certain disaster. Thankfully, my MIL and two SILs are wonderful people and are willing to take one for the team (though I think planning something with my mother -- or having to spend more than five minutes with her for any reason -- is my MILs idea of hell, and I can't say I blame her for feeling that way).

In the end, it's unclear who, if anyone, is doing what. I had to find a location and set a time myself, since no one else would. The shower is in 4.5 weeks, but no one has sent invites yet. My MIL seems to have gotten stuck doing them but no one will send her needed addresses (I sent the address list to the four of them four weeks ago, noting that I didn't have a current mailing addresses for a few folks and assigning others to find them -- relatives to the moms and friends to my SIL, since she and my brother got married last year and had to send invites to those folks then. I know they didn't send them since my MIL called me to ask for them and because I had asked them to send them to me too so we would have them as well). My mother keeps calling me with questions (like "what time is the shower" and "has someone sent invitations"). Why is she calling me? Shouldn't she know these things since she is, she claims, PLANNING THE SHOWER? And, if not, why not call my SIL? Or my MIL? Or ANYONE OTHER THAN ME? If my mother was planning it alone, it just wouldn't happen (or would happen on three days notice and no one would come), which makes me incredibly sad. Even with three other people helping, I'm still a little concerned. I should not be filled with dread about this, but it fills me with much angst these days.

I also hate that the stress I feel about it makes me feel like a spoiled brat for thinking I deserve a shower at all, much less a properly-planned and -executed one. I really am thrilled that someone wanted to throw us a shower, and I know our friends are excited to get to be there, since many of them have asked about it (since, you know, they haven't received invites yet). I constantly feel torn between this sense that the whole situation seems sucktastically ridiculous and this sense that I really need to GET OVER MYSELF. Ugh. Poop. And all other expressions that convey my desire to crawl under my desk, curl into a ball, and knock my head lightly against the wall.

Ritual

2008-07-07T07:36:00.003-04:00

So, 30 weeks seems surreal. And that's pretty much all I have to say about that.

Until I was ten or eleven, our family celebrated the Fourth of July the same way every year. We went to the fireworks in our town, arriving early in the day to stake out a good spot on the lawn. We loaded up the Scotch cooler (so called because it was plaid, not as any indication of its contents) with food and drinks and brought blankets to lounge on that we only used on the Fourth of July (even though they were plaid and wool, rather than All American) and a few chairs for adults. We ate cold fried chicken and watermelon because our family friends who we went with brought both, and my brother and I never had fried chicken except with them. I remember hot air balloons and frisbee games and finally being old enough to be allowed to walk around by ourselves and check out the festivities. Sometimes people came via parachute. And the fireworks always seemed amazing -- well worth the long walk back to the car and the slow crawl to get out of the parking lot.

After my family moved, we no longer had a Fourth of July ritual. We went back to Connecticut a few times, but never back to our old town, since the fireworks were for residents only. There are a lot of Fourths that I don't really remember at all, which makes me a little sad, since my memories of my childhood Fourths are so happy.

This year, I decided to do something vaguely festive. I baked an apple pie.

We brought it (still warm) to our friends' place, where we enjoyed the Boston fireworks from their roofdeck (though without the Pops, as the radio up there didn't get AM, which was too bad). I don't see pie on a roofdeck as a likely candidate for our new ritual, but figure it will likely be the last Fourth we have before we start thinking about starting such a new ritual, so pie on a roofdeck it was. I suspect that once we have kids who are old enough to appreciate it, we'll do the Esplanade in full force, spending the full day by the river, eating fried chicken and watermelon (and pie, perhaps). Maybe with family friends and a cooler with a nickname and special Fourth of July blankets. Though likely without a long walk to the car, since Boston fireworks aren't really car-friendly. And with an F-15 flyover rather than hot air balloons. But a ritual nonetheless.

A parting shot of the pie, which didn't look so pristine for long:

29w4d

2008-07-03T10:26:00.002-04:00

This post is truly boring. Don't say you weren't warned.

I had my 29/30 week appointment yesterday. It was relatively uneventful. I had gained four pounds in twelve days and freaked out a bit, but the midwife told me that my swollen feet/ankles and puffy looking face suggested to her that it was more water than anything else. Her guess was 3.5 pounds of water and .5 of weight. She then gave me suggestions to reduce the swelling, but I'm not sure how much they'll help, since I already drink 1 - 1.5 gallons of water a day and can't really keep my feet up at work (which would only help with the feet/ankles anyway). I think the real key would have been not having Thai for dinner the night before (mmm... Drunken Noodles and Udon Basil Chicken). And cutting back on sodium generally, but she wants me to keep consuming the sodium to keep my blood pressure up. So I may just have to live with retaining a lot of water.

She also thought my neck looked swollen and sent me for bloodwork to check my thyroid levels. (I am sure they will come back normal -- medical people constantly think my neck looks swollen and send me for a thyroid check, and it always comes back normal. Apparently, I just have a thick neck.) And she figured if I was having a blood draw anyway, she'd check on my gallbladder as well (and seems to have added a liver test in as well, since I got the results of that and the gallbladder this morning -- both normal; no results on the thyroid yet).

That's about all that going on around here.

Reading List

2008-07-01T21:51:00.002-04:00

Stuff to Say did this one already. Her count came in at 27.

"The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed.

Well, let's see.

Look at the list and bold those you have read.
Italicize those you intend to read.
Underline the books you LOVE.
Reprint this list in your blog so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them ;-)"

The List:

Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
The Bible
Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
Complete Works of Shakespeare
Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
Middlemarch - George Eliot
Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
Bleak House - Charles Dickens
War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
Emma - Jane Austen
Persuasion - Jane Austen
The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
Animal Farm - George Orwell
The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
Lord of the Flies - William Golding
Atonement - Ian McEwan
Life of Pi - Yann Martel
Dune - Frank Herbert
Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
The Secret History - Donna Tartt
The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
On The Road - Jack Kerouac
Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
Moby Dick - Herman Melville
Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
Dracula - Bram Stoker
The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
Ulysses - James Joyce
The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
Germinal - Emile Zola
Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
Possession - AS Byatt
A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
The Color Purple - Alice Walker
The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
Charlotte's Web - EB White
The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
The Faraway Tree Collection
Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
Watership Down - Richard Adams
A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
Hamlet - William Shakespeare
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

So, I'm at 35. Seriously, who are these people who have only read 6? I feel like I should lose points (or have to mark in scarlet in shame) all the books I own but have not read (7), as well as all those that I have started but not finished (3), some many times. I gave these two categories italics (along with a few others) in the hopes of encouraging myself to read these books some time soon.

[Edited to note that I copied the meme from someone who copied the meme who copied the meme and so on and so forth. As best I can tell, no one seems to know the source of the list or how it was compiled or what order the books might be in. I did find an alternate version, published by the BBCs Big Read, which may in part explain what may be an errant link to the NEA's Big Read. If anyone can find any actual sourcing info, let me know, since I'm super curious.]

[Edited again to note that I believe that the Complete Works of Shakespeare is referring to this specific title (or something similar), though I could be wrong.]

Preparation

2008-06-30T11:02:00.002-04:00

We took our "prepared childbirth" class this weekend. I'm not sure how much I actually learned, but it was good to have reinforcement for things, and I think a lot of it was new for P. I have been giving him specific responsibilities (like research baby monitors or finish redoing the f'ing patio), which means he hasn't really focused at all on anything else. Things like, say, how it is that the baby will get out of me. I think he found the whole thing frightening. Also, he was the first partner to be willing to try wearing the empathy belly and concluded that he could probably handle the extra weight but wasn't so sure about the difficulty breathing or the bladder pressure. Those two things taken together seem to have given him a newfound empathy. I've gotten more backrubs than usual over the past few days, which is nice.

My biggest fear about the class was the other people, but they were all pretty much fine. The place offering it this particular weekend is in a ritzier suburb, so the attendees were largely well-educated married couples in their 30s. My biggest fear was giggling pregnant teens or really stupid questions, and the demographic pretty much precluded both. We were by far the least far along people in the class, mainly due to scheduling -- the majority were due the first week in August. We'll be on vacation for two weeks later this month, then our shower is the following weekend, then my dad's wedding. The next weekend after this that they offer the class and we are free is three weeks before the EDD, which seems like cutting it close. That said, three couples in our class had less than three weeks to go, so maybe I'm just being overly cautious.

Related to preparing for childbirth, we are in the process of acquiring a new vehicle. This makes me nervous. We both drive 1997 compact cars. Mine is largely fine, but Ps is starting to fall apart, so we're looking to upgrade. I paid cash for my car when I bought it (used), and P paid his off years ago, so taking on an expensive car loan makes me super nervous, but I know we need to do it. Eek.

Finally, I added a belly shot from this week (this morning, in fact). As you can see, I've sort of exploded lately. Double eek.

Sweet

2008-06-25T15:00:00.003-04:00

Somehow I passed the one hour glucose screen last week. I'm not convinced it wasn't in error, but the result sheet said 89. So I've been enjoying frozen yogurt without guilt.

Reverberations

2008-06-23T09:05:00.002-04:00

How do those of you with one or more less than ideal parents not quake in fear at the thought that you might not be able to do any better, that the flawed model you have been presented for parenting may have left its subconscious imprint despite all efforts at conscious rejection?

Ha, Maybe?

2008-06-20T11:38:00.002-04:00

So, I nearly fainted at my 28 week appointment today. Apparently my issues are neither psychosomatic nor anxiety related, which I think the folks at the doctor's office may have suspected until now. In less than five minutes, my blood pressure dropped from 120/70 to 70/50, seemingly caused by me spending less than 10 seconds in a semi-reclined (far from fully reclined) position so they could check Lou's heartbeat (they later checked it with me lying on my side -- I wasn't concerned, since s/he had been kicking away all morning). And it took a really long time to rebound, inching its way up to 80/55, then 90/60 over a 35 minute period.

They wouldn't let me leave the exam room to get the glucose screen blood draw done, so the lab tech came to the exam room and did it there while I lay on my side. (This was totally embarassing.) Right before the blood draw, my bp had gone back up to 100/70, but fell back to 80/50 after, so they kept me there for another half hour until it was back to 100/70 and let me leave.

What I am to try until my next appointment in two weeks, at which point we'll reassess: one can of Coke or one cup of coffee first thing in the morning (what pregnant lady is prescribed caffeine??), followed by an iron supplement washed down with a big glass of full-sodium v8. I am also to drink at least 40 ounces of water before leaving the house in the morning (I was drinking 30, which seemed like enough, but apparently it may not be). I am also to call immediately if the dull, uncomfortable ache under the right side of my rib cage gets worse or is accompanied by vomiting, as they are concerned my gall bladder is inflamed, further compressing my innards (and causing problems of its own) -- someone had suggested that in the comments a while back, and it turns out that may be part of it, so thanks for the heads-up.

As for the glucose screen, the drink wasn't nearly as bad as I feared. It was far less syrupy than I thought it might be and not really that difficult to drink. I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail (just a gut instinct), but the midwife said we'd cross that bridge when we came to it (the thought of having to get my morning caffeine in the form of black coffee makes me want to vomit).

Two Weeks

2008-06-19T22:02:00.000-04:00

I think that is going to be the over/under on the innie nature of my poor belly-button, which is getting shallower by the day. Oh, and please ignore the dark fuzz around it -- others get a linea negra, whereas I see to develop something closer to an orbis negra.

Party pigs

2008-06-17T07:39:00.004-04:00

Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to us
Happy birthday dear party pigs
We love all this fuss

That was the song my grandfather sang for my birthday growing up. I have no idea where it came from (I thought it was from a book). I tried googling it to no avail. But to me, it's the birthday song.

I have never cared so little about the arrival of a birthday. Generally, I'm not one of those people that demands a big deal be made regarding her birthday. But I usually am at least vaguely aware that it's coming and consider planning something (or hope someone else does so). But, honestly, this year I just don't care. Maybe it's because I'm now 31, which seems like one of those who-gives-a-shit ages. You're just another year older. Or maybe I just have other things on my mind. I wonder if my family will even remember.

27w1d: Father's Day Redux

2008-06-16T08:21:00.006-04:00

So, I updated yesterday's post to add a picture of the sneakers, just because they were too cute to resist. Also, I forgot to add last week's belly shot last week, even though I did take it, so I added it today.

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Yesterday, in addition to giving P a small pair of sneakers, we went to see my dad. I constantly have to remind myself that having one normal parent is more than a lot of people get, and for that I am very thankful. My dad is a semi-uptight, uber-intellectual, (now-retired) attorney. Growing up, my friends were afraid of him until they got to know him. He's not the warmest guy in the world (which I think was in part what was intimidating for friends -- that and the fact that they often didn't get his quirky sense of humor), but he knows that and has worked hard at it.

My dad taught me basic algebra and how to play backgammon when I was in elementary school and asked us science questions over dinner. He built us a play house in the basement with lights and shutters and a door that closed. And he videotaped all our birthdays and holidays (and filmed "slice of life" segments too, to ensure we didn't end up with a distorted sense of our family life), borrowing a camera from a local university before any normal person owned one -- he interviewed our friends on these tapes to be sure we'd all remember who was who and how we knew them when we watched the tapes 25 years later. We get together every Christmas to watch these old tapes, a tradition that began after my parents split up, when my dad became obsessed with creating new family traditions for the three of us, traditions that now involve P and my sister in law and my dad's fiancee. He's a great dad, even if he's not like most other great dads.

Thankfully, while I look quite a lot like my mother, my personality comes almost exclusively from my dad. You know, because he's not an alcoholic and, rather than being a narcissist, always has the interests of others foremost in his heart, even though others (namely, my brother) don't always see it that way (note to my wonderful but not always sensible brother: your interest isn't always furthered by being told what you want to hear).

I have never lived more than an hour and a half from my dad. He's getting remarried this summer (congrats Dad!), which means he'll be moving, ending up three hours away, which makes me sad. And the timing (right before the birth of his first grandchild) makes me especially sad. But I know it's what he has to do for himself, a constituency he considers far too little, and I'm glad he's doing it.

I love you, Dad!

Father's Day

2008-06-15T20:58:00.003-04:00

I got P a pair of tiny sneakers for Father's Day. When we first met, he sold sneakers, so to me this gift was emblematic of the distance we've traveled as individuals and as a couple in those eight and a half years, and the distance we have yet to go. Sadly, I think he thought it was just weird.

Confrontation

2008-06-10T09:04:00.004-04:00

Even though the near-fainting continues (I only got through 30 minutes of church on Sunday -- ought to make ushering this week fun -- and had to get out of the car and walk before I actually got to work this morning), I feel like I need to talk about something else.

****************************************

The other night I dreamt that I finally confronted my mother about her drinking and its consequences regarding her relationship with her grandchildren. I woke up with an odd sense of calm and relief. And then I remembered that it was just a dream.

It's not just that I don't feel comfortable leaving young children alone with her. I don't even feel comfortable with the idea of her holding them -- she has been known to misestimate the distance between herself and the floor and just let go of a wine glass, shattering it. Wine glasses are fungible and replaceable, unlike, say, children. In attempting to pet him, she has poked my dog in the eye, more than once. And, as the day goes on, she has trouble standing or walking (or speaking in complete sentences, or following the conversation taking place around her). I don't want to put vulnerable people at risk, and I don't want them exposed to her behavior, and I certainly don't want them growing up with the same warped belief I had, that all grandmas (mommies in my case) are like that.

But I am also fully incapable of dealing with this issue. As much as I hate the person she often is, I do love my mother. That love used to be tied to various fond memories from my childhood, a vague recollection of the person she once was. At this point, as those memories have faded and/or been replaced with worse ones from adolescence and adulthood, that love has become untethered, existing primarily as something more akin to a requisite (but fully ingrained) filial affection. The type of love that stems from a feeling of "supposed to." But regardless of its source, it keeps me from dealing with these issues, in part out of a fear of hurting her while gaining nothing, and in part out of a fear of losing her affection, an affection that often feels as unanchored as my own, and far more fleeting as well.

I have managed to avoid the ultimate confrontation with my mother for 16+ years. I wish I could avoid it forever. But I know P harbors the same fears that I do regarding my mother and our future children, and we're going to have to deal with this issue at some point, and that point is starting to seem a lot closer to now. It's weird, because I can actually envision the conversation -- and can envision it going well. It's probably a conversation I should have had with her a long time ago, one that would have improved our relationship substantially by this point.

But the only way it goes well is if we have it alone. My stepmother can't be there. Even though I can only imagine that my mother's drinking has as profound an effect on her as it does on me, she perceives everything as an attack and first goes on the defensive, then switches to attack mode, making it about me and the ingrate I am. And I can't handle it. I become a mess. But I've only seen my mother alone once in the past 16+ years. Once. Because I insisted. Just because I missed having a mom. A mom with whom I could have a relationship, like other people.

And in the end, the whole subject just fills me with dread.

100 days to go

2008-06-06T09:05:00.002-04:00

First, thanks so much to all of you for your supportive comments! I have been riding in the car with the seat not reclined, sitting on an otherwise useless throw pillow, and it seems to be helping. I think it pushes me up out of the bucket part of the seat in the car. That said, when I was at the movies, I tried leaning forward, which would also theoretically seem to relieve pressure on the vena cava, and it didn't help, but I'll keep up with the pillow. And I've stopped drinking v8 in the morning, since the other commonality between the various near-fainting episodes was recent consumption of copious quantities of sodium (v8, movie popcorn, Thai food. Mmmm. Thai food.).

Second, I do have a body pillow and started using it a week or so ago. It's not one of the fancy pregnancy ones, but rather a generic long, semi-firm pillow that a friend loaned me (like this one). It seems to help relieve the pressure on the hips, which is great. I think the stomach pain isn't muscular/physiological but rather digestive. And it started coming during the day too. The other day, I ate an apple as a snack and felt awful for the rest of the day. P had commented that he thought pregnant women were supposed to be gassy, and I haven't been, so I'm wondering if it's been getting trapped in there. So, as my first trial-and-error solution, I've cut back on gas-inducing fruits and veggies, and it seems to have helped so far. We'll see if it lasts.

Third, we got a call last night that our furniture had arrived at the warehouse and was ready for delivery. They said it would be 10-12 weeks, but it was less than 4. We are sooo not ready for furniture, since the room still has junk in it and the ceiling needs to be skim coated and the room needs to be painted. Yikes. They'll hold it for as long as we need, though, which is great. I have a new-found love for the Baby Furniture Warehouse.

Finally, 100 days to go. Crazy. I have started having dreams about babies. Ones with actual babies in them.

Near-fainting: Getting worse

2008-06-03T08:50:00.003-04:00

It seems to be getting worse. The world started to turn black yesterday on the way to work, about 10-15 minutes into the ride (P was driving). Luckily, I got to work shortly thereafter and quickly jumped out of the car. And it happened again today, but only 2-3 minutes in. Today, I lay the seat all the way back and turned onto my left side. It left me feeling tremendously nauseated, but eliminated the about-to-black-out feeling almost immediately.

I called the doctor after yesterday's episode. The nurse eventually got back to me. Initially, she said it was a vasovagal syncope issue, but standing should make that worse rather than better. So she spoke to the midwife, who agreed that it wasn't that, due to the standing making it better thing, and concluded that my uterus is somehow positioned in a way that is compressing my inferior vena cava when I sit in certain positions. She then said there's nothing they can do about it and I'm just going to have to learn to deal with it. Fun. Apparently, I have 3+ months of riding to work lying on my side to look forward to.

This really fucking sucks. By the time I get to work I'm unbelievably exhausted again, just from not having had proper blood flow for a few minutes on the way in. Plus, my limbs still feel cold and tingly, thirty minutes later. And I have way too much work to do (and I'm really struggling to get anything done) to be able to take a day off right now (though maybe later this week). I'm hoping that if I start out lying down in the car tomorrow, I can avoid cutting off the blood flow at all and feel a bit better. But I feel so nauseated right now (and my stomach feels really strangely full, even though all I ate was a (big) bowl of cereal -- it's really uncomfortable).

On top of it all, I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night as well. I have been sleeping exclusively on my left side for months now, but last night I felt like I was having stomach cramps all night, even though I know my stomach is much higher up in my abdomen these days so they weren't really where my stomach is anymore. I kept waking up and finding it hard to get comfortable.

Okay, I really need to stop with all the bitching and moaning.

25 weeks

2008-06-01T21:24:00.001-04:00

The doctor sent me an email today regarding the bloodwork results, saying that while my numbers were low, they were not very low, especially for a pregnant woman. Her recommendation was to increase dietary iron, which I had already done in the days since getting the results and getting her email. It doesn't seem to have helped yet.

Case in point: We went to see the new Indiana Jones movie last night and had to watch the last ten minutes standing in the aisle. About an hour in, I started feeling dizzy. At some point I thought maybe I had to go to the bathroom, so I did, and I felt a little better afterwards. But once I sat back down, I started feeling progressively worse. I changed positions frequently, but it didn't help. The dizzy feeling came back. And I felt increasingly nauseated. And then I started to get simultaneously hot and cold, and my face got clammy. And then I got that darkness closing in around me feeling. Knowing that I was going to faint again, I got up. And once I was standing, I felt much better. So we watched the rest of the movie standing in the aisle.

The other times I have fainted or thought I was going to, I had been sitting in a hard seat. This time we were in the nice theatre, which has super-cushioned stadium seats. They recline and have the armrest that flips up so you can actually sit close to the person you came with. So much for my hard seat theory. WTF? And I wasn't dehydrated -- I had drank a gallon of water during the day, including a bottle during the movie. I wish I knew what was causing this. Sometimes there's just no way to be able to stand up!

Memorial Day Weekend

2008-05-29T10:15:00.000-04:00

We spent last weekend in Maine for the wedding of good friends. I have known the groom since high school and have really enjoyed getting to know the bride much better over the course of the past year while they have been living nearby. I'm sad they're moving back to DC soon :( We got to spend time with old friends and enjoy the company of other people's kids, including our friends' three year old daughter who had fun the morning after the wedding trying to hit lanterns in the partially-dismantled tent with a beach ball:

And our other friends' five year old son: a ring bearer who couldn't wait to get his tux off:

We met the latter friends' five week old son for the first time, and P held him without seeming terrified, which was new. He held their older son (the afore-photographed five year old) when he was three weeks old, but I had to hand him to him and position him in his arms and take him away when he squirmed. With the new baby, he was willing to take him from me and try changing positions when he fussed. Evidently knowing he might have to do this soon enough has made him realize he desperately needs practice :)

As for the wedding itself, it was beautiful. My brother is an event planner and floral designer (in Newport, RI, if anyone is looking for one -- let me know!), and this was his first solo event (i.e. not with the company he has worked with for years). The bride and groom got engaged in Turkey and wanted a Turkish themed wedding, and he definitely delivered. Sadly, I didn't take many photos during the reception.

{whiny bitch}In the end, I found myself a bit resentful the night of the wedding, though, which sucked. Sometimes I wish that P had to make even the smallest adjustments in his life during pregnancy. Generally speaking, I haven't minded not drinking, modifying my eating habits, etc., but P spent the evening drinking and smoking cigars (and other things) and it was a little harder for me to deal with. I feel bad bitching, and it's not like I want to NOT have to give things up (seriously, I'm happy to give them up) -- instead, it's just that I wish P had to join me in some of it. And, to sound like a very typical bitchy wife, I don't want to have to tell him that I want him to go through it with me -- I want him to want to do it. It's his kid too!{/whiny bitch}

24 week appointment

2008-05-28T09:44:00.002-04:00

Yesterday's appointment was, as expected, largely uneventful. My weight was up a little more than would be ideal, but the reprimand was pretty mild. I forced myself to go to the gym yesterday, which actually felt good. I've been exceptionally gym-lazy lately, so perhaps it will start a new habit. I also ate a real dinner (i.e. not cereal or snacks), which I rarely do when P works late, which happens very infrequently but happened last night and will again tonight.

The doctor commented that I looked run down. I told her that I had never really gotten that burst of energy that people claim comes with the second trimester. I also mentioned the whole fainting on the bus episode (and a few near-fainting episodes before and since), since I had spoken to the nurse and the midwife at the time. She decided to send me for bloodwork. Note that I told her at my 16 week appointment that I have a history of anemia and that I was feeling run down, and she said then that they normally don't run another round of bloodwork until 28 weeks and that I should try to ride it out. And so I did. Needless to say, yesterday's bloodwork came back this morning and my RBC, HGB, and HCT are all low. Shocking. She hasn't called yet to tell me whether they are low enough to justify doing anything and if so what. I'm going to have to resist the urge to say I told you so.

Anyone know at what point one's RBC, HGB, and HCT are sufficiently low to bother with supplements? I know that the "normal" range is lower for pregnant women, but I had trouble finding a pregnant-person range online anywhere.

V Day

2008-05-27T08:14:00.004-04:00

A much longer post is forthcoming, but for now I just thought I'd note that on Sunday we hit 24 weeks, aka viability day. I harbor no illusions of this being some amazing safety zone, but there's something to be said for the notion that were I to go into PTL at this point, someone might try to do something. Hooray?

To celebrate, I updated the belly shots page with images from 22 weeks 1 day and today, 24 weeks 2 days. Apologies if they appear sideways -- I'll try to fix them later. And I'll try to do them every 2 weeks from hereonout.

I also have my 24 week appointment today in about an hour. I'm not expecting anything momentous -- I assume it will be the usual PIAC, step on the scale, BP check, fundus measurement, heartbeat check. I think my sugar drink test is next month. Fun.

Random work-related good things

2008-05-20T14:30:00.004-04:00

This is really neither here nor there, but I got a call at work today from the asst head of my department letting me know that a client had offered us (as in the firm) four seats to tonight's Celtics playoff game, and he was offering one of them to me. A lot of firms have boxes at all the arenas/stadiums around here, so getting to attend events isn't a big deal, but we don't, so this is pretty cool. Of course, I feel guilty taking up a seat that a huge fan could be using (I'm a huge football and baseball fan -- I only catch a few basketball games (on TV) per year), and even said that to the partner, but he said I shouldn't feel bad and should go anyway. So I am. Whoo-hoo!

I also had my semi-annual review today and was a bit nervous going in. My hours were really off for the review period (September - end of February), first from post-miscarriage depression, then from lack of work. One of my friends commented that they were unlikely to fire a pregnant woman, but that didn't really help -- if I deserve to be fired, I should be fired. (I firmly believe that people shouldn't be fired because they're pregnant, but I also believe it shouldn't serve as some kind of protective force, protecting an otherwise fire-worthy employee.) What scared me was the fear that perhaps I deserved to be fired.

Needless to say, they didn't fire me. My reviews were good. My hours were commented on, but I think they were glad I brought it up so that they didn't have to (we have to submit a list of what we worked on in the preceding six months when the review period closes and are encouraged to provide additional notes/thoughts, and I noted that my hours sucked and why). My reviewer (the guy who collects and summarizes mine -- I don't work with him otherwise) didn't know I was pregnant until I walked through the door, so that couldn't have influenced the decision, which made me feel better too.

All in all, a good day.

Nature's First Green Was Purple-ish

2008-05-17T19:16:00.006-04:00

Back in March, Niobe posted about the emergence of spring. That same day, I took a few photos cataloging the first signs of spring at our house, but I never posted them. Spring seems to finally be well underway around here, but I have yet to have a chance to photograph it. So, here are much older photos. Pansies, lilacs, and tulips, in that order.

The More Uplifting Post I Promised

2008-05-15T14:52:00.006-04:00

Thanks for letting me whine yesterday, and thanks to all of you for your support. I had a minor meltdown this morning and (finally) let P know how stressed I was feeling about work and about how much we have to do between now and September. I felt a bit better after getting it out. Plus, I survived a client being interviewed by the IRS this morning and feel like I'll actually be able to get this filing that needs to get out the door today done in time. I will still have a ton of work to do over the next few weeks, but am feeling slightly less overwhelmed.

As for a few more uplifting thoughts:

I finally look pregnant rather than like I ate too much at Thankgiving dinner. I always thought it was a joke when pregnant women said they woke up one morning and felt like they popped, but I woke up the morning after the Walk for Hunger and was twice the size I had been the day before. When I started the Walk, the friend I was walking with joked that if she didn't know I was pregnant she certainly wouldn't guess from looking at me. That is certainly no longer true. Strangers comment now, including the lady at the counter when I got lunch yesterday. I feel like there are periodically little things that make this all seem real, and having the appearance of a pregnant person, as much as it freaks me out, is one of those things.
Along similar lines (i.e. things that make this all feel real), we ordered our nursery furniture last weekend. We got the "regular" (i.e. drop side) crib and the combo unit (without hutch) from this line in cherry. There were other cribs we liked more (such as this one and this one), but we didn't like the corresponding dressers (namely the price -- twice as much as the one we got), and they didn't have the cribs we liked in stains that any other company uses (they mainly had cognac), so we went with this as a compromise. We also got a changing table pad. Crazy. It was also great to feel like we accomplished something off of our mammoth to-do list. And, again, the feeling real thing.
My brother brought flowers for all the moms for mother's day dinner (he is a florist) and brought an arrangement for me. And my mother-in-law got me a card and a Red Sox onesie for Lou (which is what we've been calling the baby in utero). I didn't expect anything from anyone, so both gestures were very sweet and very much appreciated.
I love my dog. He's the best dog ever. This is terrible, but I've often wondered if I will love my children as much as I love my dog. I am sure I will, but I really do love my dog. How could you not?

Buddy on "his bed" (aka the guest bed)

"Rooooo! Throw my red toy!"

His favorite activity -- swimming for tennis balls (none of his constituent mutt parts are supposed to be swimmers, but he loves the water)

I Need to Complain for a Minute

2008-05-14T20:46:00.002-04:00

Okay, so my last post was depressing, and this one is going to be whiny. I am really sorry for that. But I need to whine for a minute.

I have horrible heartburn. It started around 9 weeks, went away for a while, then came back around 16 weeks and seems to be here to stay. I don't get it daily, though it's pretty close to that, and when I do it's awful. Today, it started 3 hours after lunch and never went away. I feel like my upper chest is on fire and like I'm trapped somewhere between needing to throw up and burp. Half the time, I manage to do a little of both. Awesome. And I'm at work still and have no Tums. I'm starting to think about not eating dinner ever again, since it only seems to make it worse. Or I may just switch to ice cream dinners. Is that acceptable?
I am tired all the time. I thought the second trimester was supposed to be filled with energy. Mine is filled with wanting to sleep at my desk, far more so than the first trimester. This morning I woke up an hour after my alarm first went off, having no idea how I managed to turn my alarm off rather than hitting snooze for 45 minutes like usual. I was ready to go back to bed by noon.
I often feel like there isn't enough water in the world to satiate my thirst. I can drink a gallon or more in a day and still feel like I need more water. Surprisingly, I don't really pee that much, considering how much water I manage to drink. What the hell?
I am starting to get that unmotivated, slowly-sinking feeling that I get from time to time. I have no interest in my job (or anything else, really) at the moment but I have an enormous amount of work to do, none of which I am at all motivated to do. Sadly, I really just want to curl up on the floor and take a nap for a couple of weeks. Or quit my job. Either would be fine, I think. But I earn 80% of our household income, so quitting isn't really an option. I am really looking forward to Memorial Day weekend -- I had to work all Memorial Day weekend last year and ate all my meals at Panera, since it's the only place open on the weekend in the Financial District; this year, we will be out of town for a wedding, which seems a lot more fun.
Oh, and Ps car got broken into while we were sleeping last night. We live in a quiet neighborhood, so this was unexpected and rather shitty. Shittier for him than me, since it was his car. It was the first time in 2 years that he left his iPod in the car overnight (in the center console, so out of sight), which made it even more shitty. The police filled out the report but didn't seem to care much -- the guy didn't even turn off the car or stop listening to the radio (as in music, not the police radio).

All in all, I thought the second trimester was supposed to be all rainbows and sunshine and puppies. Bullshit. Mine has been all heartburn and exhaustion and mild depression. Where are my rainbows and sunshine and puppies?

Okay, I'm done bitching. The end. I'll try to post something more uplifting tomorrow.