Rob's stuff

2009-06-27T13:35:00.002-04:00

2009-06-03T13:07:00.009-04:00

CAR TROUBLES

We have two cars: a minivan and a sedan.
Recently, our minivan started making an odd noise. Sounded like a transmission problem, so we brought into the shop. They said that it was, indeed, a transmission problem and they'd have to practically replace it. It was going to cost $4000. So we have this 6-year-old minivan with 120,000 miles on it. Is it worth replacing or fixing it? We hemmed and hawed for almost a full day and decided to go ahead and fix it. Now, keep in mind, this minivan has been in 5 major accidents in six years. It's hit ambulances, telephone poles, other cars, you name it. It's been rebuilt so many times it's ridiculous.
Several days later, the van's done. We're down $4000, but the van's fixed.

About a week later, my wife woke up sick. I decided to take the day off work and take the kids to school. While the kids were at school, I decided to go into work for an hour or so, just to catch up on some stuff. I took the minivan because I needed to take some equipment home and I needed the room. At about a third of the way to work I felt a bump. I figured I ran over something so I looked in the rearview mirror. There I saw a tan sedan fishtailing all over the highway, swerving from lane to lane. I tried my best to get away from the car, but it slammed into my rear side panel and pushed me into a tailspin across all three lanes of highway traffic. I bounced off the concrete divider and came to rest facing the wrong way on the highway. Luckily, I was now on the shoulder and nobody else hit me. My car had a damaged rear bumper, a huge dent on the side, and the side sliding door couldn't open because of the deformation. One tire was flat and the other one sat on a broken axle. The other car was front-first into the divider, totally smushed. The driver was unharmed as was I. According to a witness and police report, the driver had been driving erratically for several miles. She kept dozing off and she eventually drifted into my lane and tapped me. This woke her up and she freaked out and swerved the car and lost control. So my sick wife had to come get me. Of course, we were now tying up traffic so it took her forever to get there. But she did and we followed the tow truck to the repair shop and then went and picked up a rental car. This all happened on a Friday, so we had to wait over the weekend to find out if the appriaser from the insurance company was going to total the van or not. We spent the weekend shopping for cars, just in case.
Eventually we got the word that the van was not going to be totalled and it would cost $5000 to fix, $500 out of our pocket. My wife had become convinced that the car was cursed. It had now been one major accident every year of its life and it would not die.

We kept calling to check on the van and when it would be done. Things were going slowly at the repair shop because the suppliers kept sending the wrong parts. Then they sent a pair of tires and during the wheel alignment they realized one of the pair was not the correct kind of tire, so they had to remove it and order another one. It was finally done almost a week after they said it would be done. The repair guy told my wife something to the effect of, "I had to say this, but your car is weird. I've never had so many problems with one car before. It's like it's cursed or something." Great.

The day after we got the van back, I was off to work in my car, the sedan. I decided to take the Ocean Parkway. For those who don't know, the Ocean Parkway runs along the bottom of Long Island for something like 20 miles straight with no major exits. It's right by the shore and there's rarely much traffic. As soon as I got on the Parkway, I heard an odd noise and another driver waved to me to pull over. I had a flat tire. No big deal. I can change a flat. I jacked it up, pulled off nut #1, nut #2, nut #3...
And the fourth one was stuck. I kept at and it finally loosened. I was able to turn it easily. But it juts kept turning, never getting closer to coming out. Finally I had to call AAA to come get me. The guy got there, tried the same things I did, and went, "huh, that's weird." Yeah, thanks. Apparently the stud came loose from its moorings and was just spinning, not letting the tire come off. So the repair guy went to his truck, pulled out a 3-foot sledge hammer and commences to whacking on the stud. It finally broke in half and the flat was able to come off. But the other half of the stud was now rattling around inside the brake system. After about another 15 minutes of fiddling with fingers and screwdrivers, he finally got it out and was able to put on the spare tire...which began to hiss. Except then it stopped hissing, and when the repair guy filled it up again, it didn't hiss anymore. Nothing's worse than intermittent problems. But he put the spare on and sent me on my way. I was able to drive to work and drop the car off at the tire place. The tire place called about 4 hours later: "Man, we put this car up and the lift and we're opening up a can of worms on this thing." So the wheel needed to be replaced, the brakes fixed, the stud replaced and I also had a bubble in my brake fluid hose, like an anurysm. So luckily we caught that one before I lost my brakes, huh? What I had originally imagined being an $80 tire replacement turned into an $800 major project and left me car-less for another 48 hours. Luckily I was able to borrow cars from the parents and in-laws. Thanks, guys.

It's now been almost a week and no experts have had to look at either of our cars. I keep calling the insurance company to find out when the other driver's insurance is going to pay for the $500 deductable. They haven't claimed responsibility yet and my insurance company can't get in touch with the other driver. So it looks like they're playing hard to get.

My Dad's one-month-old, new car just broke down a coupla days ago. It's starting to get a little too "The Day the Earth Stood Still" for me, to be honest.

2009-05-30T00:26:00.003-04:00

UP
I just saw the latest Pixar masterpiece UP. I was totally ready for it to be mediocre. That is, Pixar Mediocre, which is ten times better than everything else. No, this was a good one and there's nothing like Pixar Good. I can't say it was absolutely perfect, but it was as close as anyone can expect. The 3D was superfluous, but it added a little intensity to the whole height thing.

Without giving anything away, I'll say it was worthy of its PG rating. It was pretty adult, both in action/violence and emotional intensity. I'm not ashamed to say I cried three times.

So go see Up. Take your parents. Take your kids if you think they can handle it. But do yourself a favor and see it. Afer I saw Coraline, I was convinced that it would win best animated feature next Oscar season. Now, I don't believe it will. Coraline was a hugely impressive feat because of its stop-motion technique. It was also a great film. But if you ask me right now, I'll say Up was better.

2009-04-22T21:34:00.004-04:00

SPAGHETTIDOGS

My brother sent me a link to some weird Russian site that featured the unholy merging of frankfurters and spaghetti. That link is HERE.

I decided to delve into the world of "spaghettidogs" (my phrase, but feel free to use it). See the results HERE.

2009-04-21T22:32:00.003-04:00

NATURE vs MAN X 2

Tonight I discovered, by accident, two amazing new series:

STREET MONKEYS
and
LIFE WITHOUT PEOPLE

Street Monkeys is a reality show on Smithsonian Channel, following two tribes of monkeys, whose habitat is being destroyed and who must learn to live amongst the world of humans. It's so simple and so amazing. Did you know monkeys are really similar to people? Me too, but it's still fascinating.

Life Without People is a TV series version, on the History Channel, of the almost-great book, The World Without Us. Basically it explores what what would happen to all aspects of the world if humans were to simply vanish.

Both great shows so check em out.

2009-04-19T21:18:00.002-04:00

WORDS and PICTURES

There are a few simple do's and don'ts when it come's to apostrophe's. If you can't keep them straight, just DON'T USE THEM!!!!! I'd much rather see a missing apostrophe than too many. Just like spiders, we need them around, but we don't need to see them everywhere we look!

We just saw Shrek 2 the other day and at one point there's a sign on the newly married ogres' property that says "CAUTION: OGRE'S." Now, it's hand-painted so maybe the director's thought was that they're just ogres and made the sign themselves and they'd probably misspell it. I can dig it. Well, not really. It bugs the hell out of me.

Also, why do AOL and YAHOO and every other website feel the need to have a "do's and don'ts" headline every other month? You know, like "Spring fashion do's and don'ts." THERE SHOULD NOT BE AN APOSTROPHE IN "DO'S"!!!!! AND YET, EVERY SINGLE PERSON DOES IT! This makes me absolutely mental! I mean, there you are, using an apostrophe to indicate plurality in ONE HALF of the phrase....AND NOT THE OTHER! Why would you not say "Do's and Don't's?" I mean, at least be consistent!

"Well, Rob, you see, the apostrophe is there to indicate that the word is pronounced "dooz" and not "doss", like the old computer operating system. Well to that I say, "screw you." Some words don't look like they sound. Get used to it. Use context and figure it out. The correct spelling is "Dos and Don'ts." And why the hell are you using this god-awful phrase anyway? It's like "Spring has Sprung" or "Me three!" I don't think most people understand those are jokes anymore. Man!
Please see this wonderful blog. It's painful and wonderful all at the same time.

OK, enough hatin'. Here's something I love. It's the new ad for an HBO vampire series called True Blood. I like the show a lot but even if I didn't, I'd groove heavily on this ad:

When I saw it in a magazine this week I saw a blood spatter on a black background. I looked and looked, knowing there was a hidden image in there somewhere, but I couldn't make it out. Finally I saw it and now I can't NOT see it. Very well done in my opinion.

2009-04-10T17:51:00.005-04:00

GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT, THROUGH AND THROUGH

It's no secret that I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to the English language. I get really annoyed when people use "good" instead of "well." The word "good" is an adjective, while "well" is an adverb. One does something well. "Well" describes the doing, a verb. A dinner can be good. "Good" describes the dinner, a noun. Although a dinner can be prepared well, the dinner itself is good, unless it is "well-done." A steak may be cooked through or "well-done" and prepared well, but the steak and the dinner themselves may be described as "good." Simple enough, right?

When people misuse words or punctuation in common speaking or casual letter-writing, my ire is minimal. It's when professionals mangle the language (or "manglage") that I get mad enough to tell you people.

Last year we ordered my son a cute bedsheet/pillowcase set from COMPANY KIDS which is owned by THE COMPANY STORE. The sheet's design is a pattern of generic superheroes and comic book sound effects. The package arrived. We unpacked it, washed it and put it in his bed. Only then did we see the problem:
(click to see bigger images)

In two instances they misused the word "threw" instead of the word "through."
I pondered it for a while. We couldn't return it since it was already washed, but even if we did return it, my son had already seen it and enjoyed it. I decided to give it a shot, and tell the company about their defective product. Maybe they'd reimburse me. At the very least I wanted them to pull the item.

So I went on their website and used their online form to send them a question. I told them about the error and asked what could be done about it. I didn't give my name, my order number...nothing. I got a response the next day saying that because my 90 days were up, I couldn't return it.

HUH? It WASN'T 90 days and how would they even know if it was? I didn't give my name or order information. Now I was determined to get some results, now that they'd dismissed me out of hand. I wrote back, giving all my information this time. The next response I got from the company was this:

"Thank you for your inquiry. They are spelled that way because it is a cartoon character and that is the way they are.”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? First they blew me off and now they're giving me attitude, like I'M the one in the wrong? We Googled the company to find their head office contact information. We wrote up a letter to their CEO. An excerpt of that letter is below:

This is a product for children. You are a company that caters to children. To say that an obvious misuse of a word is fine because it’s a cartoon character is unacceptable. This is not a playful misspelling or a pun; this is a mistake. The wrong word is used. This isn’t “Sooperman” or “Kid’z Korner.” This is a blatant error.

My son likes the design of this item, and we have explained about the misspellings. However, I feel that this product is defective and I would like a refund, or a credit towards a future purchase. We have always been happy with your products in the past. If I cannot get my money back for this item, I understand. My greater concern is other children getting this set and growing up using the wrong word because they sleep next to a grammatical error that nobody cares enough to fix. I am an educator and I know first-hand that our children are exposed to enough misspellings and bad punctuation by people who don’t know any better, without having The Company Store telling children that it cares so little about them that it would knowingly sell written materials with multiple errors. This item needs to be pulled until you have fixed the problem.

Additionally, in researching your company in an effort to find out to whom to write, I examined your website at http://www.hanoverdirect.com/. Please be aware that on the front page you have a title listing “Our Brand’s”. This, too, is incorrect. Your “brands” are plural, and do not need an apostrophe. You are, however, clearly in need of an editor.

A few weeks after that letter went out we received a phone call from Company Kids thanking us for pointing out the error and apologizing for it. A few weeks after that we received a credit for the sheets. So in the end we got to keep the sheets AND got our money back. If you go to the Company Kids' website the design is still there, however. Apparently you can view the pattern in detail. If you know what to look for, you can see the misspellings are still on the sheets they are selling. So we won the battle but not the war. Not yet, anyway.

2009-04-01T11:31:00.006-04:00

I did some more watercolor/ink thingies this month. They're HERE.
Last time I used a Sharpie. This time I used india ink.

2009-03-29T14:09:00.005-04:00

I was playing with Garageband this weekend and came up with two songs:
Tennessee Nights (a country melody in search of a song)
and
Glamboy (a 70's-style hard rock song in search of lyrics)

Enjoy!

2009-02-25T08:39:00.003-05:00

NEIL YOUNG

Q: How awesome is Neil Young?
A: Really awesome!

This is a man who will not burn out or fade away. He's been making music for 40 years and constantly challenging himself and his audience. He put out a rockabilly album, an album of feedback, an instrumental album, a rock opera, he's directed movies, written books, started Farm Aid, is working on a prototype electric car, has an autistic kid and began a charity for that affliction, and continues to make music at an alarming rate while digging through his archives and releasing old material as well as new.

He just released a new single and video called FORK IN THE ROAD and it's great. Find it HERE

2009-02-23T16:32:00.003-05:00

I started diddling around with some ink and watercolors a month ago or so. Here's what I came up with:

IMAGINARY PORTRAITS VOLUME ONE

It's also under the Question Mark on my site's home page.

2009-02-17T09:00:00.002-05:00

THE OSCARS

When I was younger I watched all the big awards shows (except the Tonys). Now that I'm older, I've lost touch with the music scene and the "MTV generation" is unrecognizable to me. I also watch a lot less TV than I used to, so the Emmys hold no interest for me. That leave me with the Oscars. I still love movies.

Here are my thoughts for this year:

ACTOR
Richard Jenkins. THE VISITOR was a small little film with basically only four roles. It was good, but not great. Richard Jenkins was very good and subtle in the film but I merely thought he did his job well. I don't think he went above and beyond, nor did the film really give him an opportunity to.

Frank Langella. FROST/NIXON, again, was good but not great. The reverse of THE VISITOR, FROST/NIXON gave Frank Langella a meaty role to tackle. He lumbered and hurumphed throughout the whole thing and I felt it was a bit forced and cartoonish.

Sean Penn. Harvey Milk may have been an over-the-top gay Jew from New York in real life, but seeing Sean Penn be that way for over two hours was a bit grating. He threw himself into the part, but I always felt he was acting.

Brad Pitt. I think Brad Pitt is an underrated actor. Just see 12 Monkeys or Fight Clubfor an example of how good he can be. This wasn't one of his most impressive acting jobs. Like Jenkins, it was fine.

Mickey Rourke. Looking at all the other actors, you'd think nothing could impress me. THE WRESTLER impressed me in a number of ways, most of all Mickey Rourke's performance. If he doesn't win, it'll be a tragedy. This was a small movie like THE VISITOR, but there was nothing showy or boring about the lead role. Rourke was subtle and heartfelt and I believed every word he spoke and every movement he made. A truly award-worthy performance

SUPPORTING ACTOR
Josh Brolin. Nothing noteworthy about his performance in MILK. If anything, his drunk scene was scorn-worthy. He wasn't actually BAD, and I've seen him do great things in other movies, but this just wasn't his best work by a long shot.

Robert Downey Jr. Once again, a great actor taking on a challenging role in TROPIC THUNDER. But after all, it's a silly comedy and Downey's character is a one-joke role. He pretends he's black. OK, fine, no problem. But a better job than all the other supporting actors in every other movie this year? Please.

Philip Seymour Hoffman. DOUBT was a jewel of a film and Hoffman was the best thing in it. He ran through every emotion with ease and believability. I think he's a great actor and he took this role with both hands and made it his own.

Heath Ledger. Jeez. Talk about over-rated. THE DARK KNIGHT was presented to me as the greatest superhero film ever. It wasn't. It was laughably bad in spots. It was too long. Character motivation was non-existent. And it played like it was trying to be realistic within the context of superheros, but then it went off the deep end with Dent's injuries at the end. It just didn't gel for me. Now, Heath Ledger was good in that he totally immersed himself into the Joker character and really made it something new. But it was just a crazy, over-the-top character. OK, he was fearless in his lunacy. But there was no realism to it. I never thought of him as anything but a comic book character. The big question is, "will the Academy give him the Oscar because he died and showed promise as an actor?" I hope not. No offense. He just doesn't deserve it this year.

Michael Shannon. I didn't see REVOLUTIONARY ROAD, so I can't say.

ACTRESS
Alright, this is lame, but the only movie I saw that has a lead actress nominated is DOUBT. Meryl Streep was awesome as always, but without seeing the others, I make no predictions.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Amy Adams. She was good in DOUBT, but the story was good, the direction was good, the lead actors were great...I feel like she just got carried along for the Oscar ride.

Penelope Cruz. Didn't see VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA, so I can't say.

Viola Davis. She had one scene in DOUBT where she had to be upset. She cried amiably, but I wasn't blown away at all.

Taraji P. Henson. I enjoyed BENJAMIN BUTTON a lot, but the more I read about it and think about it afterwards, the more I feel manipulated by it. I'll have to see it again to judge. In any case, Taraji's performance was not awards-worthy in my book.

Marisa Tomei. Next to Mickey Rourke, Tomei's performance paled. That said, she was very believable and engaging. As someone who knows her best from MY COUSIN VINNY, this was a huge departure from that and an impressive performance. Out of all the nominees, I think Tomei gave the most of herself to her performance.

ANIMATED FEATURE
It's WALL-E, who you kidding? I'm frankly surprised it wasn't nominated for best picture.

Let's fast forward to best picture because I don't have anything intelligent to say about art direction, score, sound editing, documentary short, etc.

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
Again, I loved it when I saw it, but now I have my doubts about its worthiness. I think it was good, but not an award winner.

FROST/NIXON
Another good movie, but it didn't WOW me. All it really did was make me want to see the original interviews.

MILK
MILK was a biopic and I am not a fan of biopics. People's lives can be fascinating, but they just don't have the same story arc as a fictional story. I always find these movies to be a list of things that happened, as opposed to a "story." Ray, Man in the Moon, Walk The Line... They were all done well, but felt very unsatisfying to me. MILK was no exception.

THE READER
Didn't see it, sorry.

SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE.
Wow, did I want to see this one. I heard about it first from NPR and then from all around everywhere. The buzz was hot! The movie was not. Sorry, but I just didn't feel the love. It was a simple, dopey love story after all. I must say I liked the structure of the whole thing, with the questions and how he knew the answers, although some of them really really stretched plausibility. The brother's character arc was totally unconvincing. And how did he get on the show to begin with if he only knew those 12 things? My father-in-law is an intelligent, educated man who has tried half a dozen times to get on and couldn't. Then you have to get past the fastest-finger thing to actually get on the show. It was a silly fable that left me feeling nothing. I've heard that you "should" see this movie, as if it were an important film that had deep social significance. I just didn't feel it.

So my picks for Sunday night are:
MICKEY ROURKE, PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN, MERYL STREEP, MARISA TOMEI, WALL-E, oh and WALTZ WITH BASHIR for Foreign Language film, only because it's the only one I've heard of and I've heard great things about it. I have no pick for best picture. I think DOUBT and THE WRESTLER were better overall films that the ones nominated this year.

2008-12-19T17:15:00.005-05:00

Well, it's the middle of December, so I guess I'm supposed to do a 2008 wrap-up. Unfortunately, I really don't have a top 10 list of anything, so I'll just run through a couple things that stand out for me from the past year.

WALL-E
What a great movie this is. I've seen it twice; once with adults and once with children, and both times I found it to be a monumental achievement in both animation and storytelling.

THE ARRIVAL by Shaun Tan
A wordless graphic novel that tells the story of an immigrant in strange, new land. Magical and emotional.

PRESIDENT-ELECT BARACK OBAMA
I'm trying real hard not to sound naïve and cheerleader-like, but I am so excited and hopeful for a new era in this country.

CHINESE DEMOCRACY by Guns n Roses.
The first CD in 14 years from Axl Rose and his rotating band of miscreants. Is it worth the wait? Well, no. Not really. It's good…at least most of it is, but it's not a finely-crafted work of art that you might expect from such a talented lunatic. Worth listening to, but not as the culmination of 14 years of work.

I also re-read Cormac McCarthy's THE ROAD and JRR Tolkein's HOBBIT and LORD OF THE RINGS, both awe-inspiring pieces of literature. I've read other books and seen other movies, as well, but nothing that really made me sit up and take notice. I saw several movies that I liked, too, but nothing that I'd really go out of my way to recommend. BURN AFTER READING was way better than I expected. Actually, I can say I enjoyed it more that I expected, not sure if it was actually a “good” movie.

In my own world, I've had a few experiences of note that I have not blogged about, so here is a sort of purge of some stuff:

4:00AM
It was September and we were sleeping with the windows open. Around 4 in the morning I was awakened by what I thought was a female voice. We live about a half-mile in either direction from a bar, and we also get teenagers walking past our block at all hours, so it's not totally unusual to hear drunk people laughing and talking loudly near our home. I just kind of shook my head and tried to go back to sleep. Then I heard it again and it seemed to be pretty loud; yelling, not just speaking loudly. I stuck my head out the window to see if I could tell how far away it was, or which direction it was coming from.
I have, to the consternation of my wife, been the guy who goes up to people and tells them to shut up. Our neighbor down the block likes to turn his truck's radio up to top volume while he washes it. We can hear it and feel it in our house, across the street and 4 houses down. I've told him to turn it down a few times. I walked 4 blocks to a house party once to tell them to turn it down, as I could hear them loud and clear at 10pm. The list goes on and on. I'm a cranky old fart, sue me.
So anyway it sounded really close so I decided to put on my robe and step outside and find the arguing drunks to tell them to shut up. I opened my side door and it sounded like the yelling was coming from VERY close. I poked my head out and saw a van idling in the street DIRECTLY in front of my house. In the driver's seat was a woman yelling into a cell phone, her window rolled down. I could hear her voice echoing off the neighborhood.
“FUCK YOU! Who the hell do you think you ARE! DON'T YOU HANG UP ON ME MOTHERFUCKER!!”
I was in shock. Was this woman seriously pulled over in a quiet neighborhood with the window rolled down at 4 in the morning screaming obscenities at the top of her lungs?
I composed myself and took a few steps forward. “Hey! Could you take it somewhere else, please?” I called.
The woman paused for a beat, then reached down and pulled something out of her truck and threw it down at my feet. It was a newspaper.
“I wasn't throwing that at YOU,” she explained, “I was just throwing it down.”
“Alright,” I said and she drove away.
It was my newspaper delivery person. The person who delivers Newsday was the maniac. I was so furious. Anyway, I went back to sleep eventually and called Newsday the next morning to tell them what had happened. They were appropriately apologetic and that's pretty much it. No big finish, sorry.

CRAIGSLIST
I frequently check out Craigslist.com for side jobs. One-shot video jobs, mostly. One day I found someone looking for an editor and I answered the ad. I got a long, long reply explaining the deal:
This guy, Robert Green, lived in England and he was going to start a porn business. All he needed was a couple of NTSC cameras, because he was going to sell these videos to Americans. He needed someone to buy the cameras and ship them to him and then edit the resulting footage into 2-minute promos, which I would then deliver to curious parties, who would then possibly buy the raw footage. He was going to send me a check to cover the cost of the cameras. You see, he had a seller already, but the seller wouldn't ship overseas. So, Robert Green would send me a check. Excuse me, Friends University would send me a check. You see, Robert Green works at Oxford University and did some freelance work with Friends University in Kansas, and he would ask them to send his paycheck directly to me. I would deposit the check. When the check cleared, I was to wire money to the seller in Kansas, who would ship the cameras to me and then I would ship the cameras to England. All this would be covered by the initial check, with $500 left over for my troubles and a goodwill gesture.
Now, this is obviously fishy, but I couldn't find the hook. I looked it over and over and tried to figure out how this is a scam and I couldn't do it. The amount of money he was talking about for editing this footage was life-changing. It seemed too good to be true. I kept asking the guy, “Why won't he ship overseas?” “Why can't you find an NTSC camera in England?” “Why won't you send me a check from yourself?” “Why don't you send the Friends check to the seller directly?”, etc.
He had answers for all these questions. I finally said, “OK, send me the check.” I figured, hey, if he wants to send me a check and wait for it to clear, what have I got to lose?
I finally found out what I had to lose. I found the scheme on the internet. What happens is that I get a fake check and deposit it. The bank thinks it's real and lets it clear. The money is now in my account. I send that money to the “seller” who most likely keeps it. Or maybe he really does send me cameras that I ship to England. Either way, I spend the money. Months later, someone at the bank finds out it's a fake check and I am now responsible for that money.
I get the check a day or two later. It's obviously fake. It's the same kind of check I get every payday. It's got a background pattern and perforations and everything. What it does NOT have, however, is microprinting or a watermark, which the check claims to have. It is also obviously printed on regular inkjet printer. The quality is just not good. I called Friends University and they pretty much said, “Yeah, we've gotten about two dozen of those in the last month. Just throw it out.”
I tried to think of ways to screw with this guy in England. I've heard of all these tricks, like sending them packages COD but they're filled with bricks, and stuff like that. But all of those schemes would cost me money, however small amount. I just kept stringing him along: “Nope, couldn't get to the bank today.” “No, today is Halloween and the banks are closed on Halloween in America.” “I was sick today.” “It's Election Day this week and there's riots all over town and the street to the bank was closed.” And so on.
Finally I just told him to fuck off and that I was stringing him along but got bored and now I'm done and I never heard back from him.

UNTIL

A month or so later, I was cruising Craigslist and I found an editing gig. I replied and got a long, long response from this guy named Robert Green who needed my help. I emailed him back and called him all sorts of names again. No big finish once again, sorry.

CRAIGSLIST 2
I was cruising Craigslist, looking for odd jobs (I do that, have I mentioned?). I came across a company looking for an editor. I replied and they responded back that they were an expanding company with many arms and they needed all kinds of people; artists, writers, musicians, videographers… I emailed the woman that I would like to come in for an interview, and that I already have a fulltime job and a wife and two kids, just so there's no surprises. She gave me a phone number to call. I called and got a voicemail. I left a message. I called again the next day and left another. No response. I gave up. Then I got an email confirming my interview. Da hell? I emailed her back and straightened it out with her. It seems he just has a different opinion of the definition of “confirm” than I do. Anyway.
I drove to the address provided and found myself in front of a kind of gardening store. There was a lot of hydroponic equipment and books. I went in and was greeted by a long-haired, bearded dude. I told him I was looking for this woman whom I'll call “C” though in real life she told me her full name. He said OK and went in the back to get her. Next, a woman walked up front and said Hi. I said, “Hi. Are you 'C'?” The woman kind of laughed and said, “No, when you meet her you'll see the difference” and walked away.
What the hell? What was THAT supposed to mean!?! The bearded dude came back and told me to go down the hall to find her door. As he said this, a woman popped her head out of her room and right back in. He said, “You see that woman who just popped out? That's her.”
Alrighty. I went to her office to find her smoking and leaning halfway out an outside door while talking on her phone. When she was done she came up to me to tell me how EXCITED she was to have me there, and that I have kids. Um…ok…. There were chairs all around us, but we stood, face to face the whole time. She told me, excitedly about all the talent that they're acquiring and how amazing this is going to be and vaguely explained that there are dozens of companies all involved under this plant store's flag. The guy who owns this all is a chemist, an inventor, a photographer and an alchemist. I interrupted and basically said, “OK, so what do you want ME to do?” She explained how they will be producing videos and podcasts and commercials for the web for all these websites that this company owns. OK, sounds reasonable. She told me I might have to travel and do I have any kids. I stared at her. “Yes. Two.” She went on about how great that was. We went over some more particulars and then everything changed.
I could feel the mood change in the room. She got quieter and told me that she wanted to make sure that I was on the same mindset as the company. Uh Oh. She went into non-specific things about worldwide horrors and politics and clear air and such. Okkaaayyy… I figured, Ok, they're a bunch of hippies and want to make sure I can sympathize. Fine. Then she goes on to say how there's no such thing as Global Warming! She stared at me with big eyes, waiting for a reaction. She told me that we're being lied to and really the Earth is moving towards a dark plane and THAT'S what's causing all the global problems of late. Again, the big eyes.
I'm sure I was smirking, but I was trying to play it cool. She went on about how we've been brainwashed to believe in Heaven and Hell, when in reality they don't exist! We are ALL divine beings! Oh good lord…
She handed me her iPhone and told me to watch this video. I did. It was a 10 minute video on Youtube. The first 2 minutes went on to describe how galaxies are formed. Then it went on to describe how the Earth travels in cycles through the horizon line of the Milky Way and that causes global warming and tidal waves, etc. Oh geez.
“OK, but…what does this have to do with hydroponics?”
“Because,” she told me, “we are going to have to learn to survive on our own!”
She asked me if I understood. I told her I understood what she was saying and that if she had video for me to edit, I'd certainly take a look at it. As she walked me out she continued to hammer home the fact that global warming is not man-made and that we won't be flooded out if the polar caps melt. She explained (with wild enthusiasm) that if you take a glass of water and put an ice cube into it, and the cube melts, the glass doesn't overflow. Ice takes up the same mass as water. Ergo, no floods. I decided not to get into the fact that millions of tons of glacial ice and permafrost are not floating in water. She went on to say that the Mayan culture was incredibly technologically advanced and then they were gone, and only now are we back up to speed. That was proof that the whole thing is cyclical. Again, I decided not to point out the fact that they killed each other regularly in ritual sacrifices. She never asked me to take an oath or swear an allegiance to anything or anything definitive like that. I would not be willing to do that, but hell, I'll edit videos for them.
As we stood by our cars, she continued to say how teenagers kill themselves so much because parents don't understand that they're full of hormones and just assume they're assholes. Also, last year, there were tsunamis in Asia and mudslides in South America AT THE SAME TIME. How can that be? Well, obviously it's because the whole earth is passing through the center plane of the galaxy…or something.
We said our goodbyes and I left. That night I got an email from “C” with several links to youtube clips and other websites. I actually found this one very interesting:

But the rest were just wacky. Then I realized most of this philosophy comes from the Ramtha movement, which is a kind of new-age quasi-cultish society that produced the “What the Bleep Do We Know?” series of films, which have been widely discredited as pseudoscience and quasireligion. Take a look:

So, in January, I expect to have some footage to begin editing. Should be interesting.

2008-11-05T20:45:00.003-05:00

YES WE DID

What hasn't been said already? We've all been following the polls, and I felt in my gut that it was going to happen, but when it did...wow. You have to realize that he didn't just win a coin flip, he overwhelmingly won the support of most of the people of this country. That's a real, honest win.
I know I sound like a naive dreamer, but I believe we are in for a real change of course. Some have said this marks the end of racism in this country. I don't think that's true. But holy cow, does it take a big bite out of it. When I stop to think of the fact that I helped elect the first black president, I get overwhelmed. When I think of my children reading about this in history books and knowing they were there when Mommy and Daddy pulled the lever, I am in awe. On the other hand, I am thrilled to know that my kids don't even know what a big deal this is. I told my 6 year old that Obama is the first black president ever! He looked confused and then asked me, "You mean...because he has a brown face?" I said yes and he just kind of shrugged and said, "...alright." He just doesn't recognize that skin color is of any significance. How can you not be moved by that?

Yes, Barack Obama is a politician. I know he can't do everything. And I know that even though Jimmy Carter told us all to use the metric system and use alternative fuel sources, he was run out of town on a rail. But I believe with all my heart that Obama will be the uniter that George W Bush claimed to be. I think he will make his supporters proud and bring his detractors over to his side over time. I think his family will make us proud and I think history will look on him as the Roosevelt that saved the country from Hoover.

2008-10-04T12:46:00.002-04:00

Today, in the paper, it was mentioned in the obituary section, that George "Wydell" Jones died on Saturday, October 4th. He was the songwriter of Rama Lama Ding Dong by The Edsels.
Sad for his family, sure, but the song and the band don't really mean much to me. I thought it was amusing to see that he's remembered for "writing Rama Lama Ding Dong." His big legacy was that he strung nonsenisical sounds together for a song. I mean, more power to him. I have no hate for him, just doesn't really register on my radar.

UNTIL

Today, in the Sunday Times crossword puzzle, which actually comes out on Saturdays, 125 down is "Rama Lama Ding Dong" singers, with "the".

How bizarre is that? It's not like Elvis was mentioned in two places at once. Big deal, he's incredibly well known. But for the Edsels to be in the times crossword puzzle the same day their songwriter died is really freaky in my book.

2008-09-11T21:22:00.003-04:00

Nice Guys Finish.......Last?

Firstly, I like this picture. I like how Mccain's mic is round and white, just like him, and Obama's is long and black, just like him. Jes' sayin'.

One of the many things I like about Obama is that he really and truly wants to change the way things are done. I read an interview and article about him back before he was running for president; back when he was saying that he wouldn't run, in fact. It was several years ago and he laid out everything that was wrong with politics and what his philosophy was. It was one of honesty and caring. It was about listening to your opponents respectfully and explaining your opinion with respect to your opponents, always realizing that there is always an opportunity to learn and collect new ideas.

Another thing is his refusal to hit below the belt. This may also be his downfall. The Republicans are hitting so far below the belt it's nauseating. They are spinning so many lies and diverting people with such crap it would be laughable if half the country weren't actually buying it.

Obama comes out and says we've got to change this country around from what it has become these last four years. OK, not exactly groundbreaking, but effective. He has shown his ability and desire to do good. He began to gain huge popularity because people liked what he wanted to do. McCain painted him as arrogant and messianic. They actually painted his popularity as a bad thing. Can you imagine? They told the people, "You like him too much." We should have tried that trick with Reagan back in 1980...remember, back when every election didn't hinge on one goddamn county in one goddamn state?

Obama was raised by a poor, single mom. He was taught to give and help people. He became a community organizer, helping communities help themselves and rise out of dispair. McCain's campaign stresses "service," yet at the RNC, Palin and Giulinai both openly mocked Obama's community activism. The sight of these rich white people laughing at the idea of communities in desperation trying to take back their lives...ugh, it just makes me fucking ill.

He rose up and went to Yale. McCain says he's an elitist, out of touch with regular folk. Really? It's now a bad thing to smart and popular? It's not elitist to be really smart and intellectual. It's what you want in a president; someone smarter than you!

McCain comes out and paints himself as an agent for change. He says only he and Sarah Palin are qualified to make actual change and that Obama is offering more of the same. We've had 8 years of disasterous Republican rule after 8 years of fantastic Democratic rule. How would it be change if we kept Republicans in? Why would we invite in the very people who wreaked so much havoc in the first place? Well, McCain says he's different. Different-er than Obama? Seriously? And with that VP of yours? The God-crazy, book-banning, prayer-in-schooling, war-mongering, pro-life, abstinence-teaching, creationist? She's DIFFERENT??!? She is the Rightest Wingnut in the freaking world! That is NOT change!

She is playing every side of the gender card. Remember when Hillary was running and getting pummeled and all the Republicans said, "We're not gonna treat you nicely just because you're a girl!" Now that Palin's in the same spot, the Republicans are saying "You're picking on her just because she's a girl!" Goddamn hypocrites.

She out and out lied when she said she rejected the pork spending for her Road To Nowhere. Just up and lied. She said she sold the jet she inherited from her former governor on Ebay for a profit. No, she sold it to a private buyer and lost money. The Republicans just say whatever they want, regardless of the facts, and people just accept it. It's staggering. In referring to the Republicans' false call for change, Obama said

"You know, you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig." ... "You can wrap an old fish in a piece of paper called 'change,' it's still gonna stink after eight years. We've had enough of the same old thing! It's time to bring about real change to Washington. And that's the choice you've got in this election."

The Republicans are actually convincing people that this was a sexist slight about Palin. They want you to believe Obama would go out there and call the opponent a pig. This phrase has been used for god knows how many years. Freaking McCain HIMSELF used it to dismiss Hillary Clinton's health care plan! Same goddamn situation, but Democrats are normal enough not to see the attack spin potential in that phrase.

McCain wants to cut everyone's taxes, but his cuts would basically help the wealthiest most and poorest almost not at all. Obama's cuts would tax the wealthiest MORE and give more to the poor.

McCain's Vice President pick is Sarah Palin, who believes abstinence-only education is best and she would give no support to sex ed programs. Is she for real? Her teenage daughter got pregnant. Her life will never be the same. Maybe if she and Levi was taught to use a condom. Obviously, abstinence-only education doesn't stop kids from having sex. So both sides have basically declared family off-limits. But what do you think would have happened if one of Obama's kids was a pregnant teenager? Think McCain would stay away? Or do you think he would attack viciously? We'll never know, because it will never happen.

Speaking of which, Obama supported a grade-appropriate sex-ed program in schools, in which kindergartners would learn about "bad-touching" and "stranger danger," etc. McCain put out this unbelievably low and disgusting ad which insinuated that Obama wanted to teach Kindergarteners the best fellatio techniques. Ok, I'm exaggerating, but not much:

I mean, even McCain's campaign knows this is bullshit, meant to paint Barack Obama as a sex-crazed loony-tune.

The problem here is that Obama is playing it nice (relatively). Unlike McCain and Palin, he's not lying about his past or his present. He's not putting out ads, accusing McCain of leaving his disabled first wife for a hot young rich thing, even though he did. He's playing it cool and smart. Meanwhile the Republicans throw every piece of shit they can at him and if he dares to explain why McCain is full of shit, he's "playing defense."

Obama's in a tough spot. He's committed himself to running like a gentleman, but the opponent has a horseshoe in his glove. If Obama complains, he looks weak. If he uses McCain-type tactics against McCain, he'll have sold his soul and McCain will turn around and point and say "Look how low he fights!"

I jut hope the debates will be a replay of Nixon/Kennedy, with the young, good-looking well-spoken Democrat up against the sweaty, stammering old Republican.

This is it, people. We are in for a scary ass coupla weeks. Buckle Up.

2008-09-04T21:02:00.000-04:00

Republicans are hypocrites?!!? Who knew?

2008-08-31T12:59:00.000-04:00

This is fantastic:

AN OPEN LETTER TO GOD FROM MICHAEL MOORE:

Sunday, August 31st, 2008
An Open Letter to God, from Michael Moore

Dear God,

The other night, the Rev. James Dobson's ministry asked all believers to pray for a storm on Thursday night so that the Obama acceptance speech outdoors in Denver would have to be canceled.

I see that You have answered Rev. Dobson's prayers -- except the storm You have sent to earth is not over Denver, but on its way to New Orleans! In fact, You have scheduled it to hit Louisiana at exactly the moment that George W. Bush is to deliver his speech at the Republican National Convention.

Now, heavenly Father, we all know You have a great sense of humor and impeccable timing. To send a hurricane on the third anniversary of the Katrina disaster AND right at the beginning of the Republican Convention was, at first blush, a stroke of divine irony. I don't blame You, I know You're angry that the Republicans tried to blame YOU for Katrina by calling it an "Act of God" -- when the truth was that the hurricane itself caused few casualties in New Orleans. Over a thousand people died because of the mistakes and neglect caused by humans, not You.

Some of us tried to help after Katrina hit, while Bush ate cake with McCain and twiddled his thumbs. I closed my office in New York and sent my entire staff down to New Orleans to help. I asked people on my website to contribute to the relief effort I organized -- and I ended up sending over two million dollars in donations, food, water, and supplies (collected from thousands of fans) to New Orleans while Bush's FEMA ice trucks were still driving around Maine three weeks later.

But this past Thursday night, the Washington Post reported that the Republicans had begun making plans to possibly postpone the convention. The AP had reported that there were no shelters set up in New Orleans for this storm, and that the levee repairs have not been adequate. In other words, as the great Ronald Reagan would say, "There you go again!"

So the last thing John McCain and the Republicans needed was to have a split-screen on TVs across America: one side with Bush and McCain partying in St. Paul, and on the other side of the screen, live footage of their Republican administration screwing up once again while New Orleans drowns.

So, yes, You have scared the Jesus, Mary and Joseph out of them, and more than a few million of your followers tip their hats to You.

But now it appears that You haven't been having just a little fun with Bush & Co. It appears that Hurricane Gustav is truly heading to New Orleans and the Gulf coast. We hear You, O Lord, loud and clear, just as we did when Rev. Falwell said You made 9/11 happen because of all those gays and abortions. We beseech You, O Merciful One, not to punish us again as Pat Robertson said You did by giving us Katrina because of America's "wholesale slaughter of unborn children." His sentiments were echoed by other Republicans in 2005.

So this is my plea to you: Don't do this to Louisiana again. The Republicans got your message. They are scrambling and doing the best they can to get planes, trains and buses to New Orleans so that everyone can get out. They haven't sent the entire Louisiana National Guard to Iraq this time -- they are already patrolling the city streets. And, in a nod to I don't know what, Bush's head of FEMA has named a man to help manage the federal government's response. His name is W. Michael Moore. I kid you not, heavenly Father. They have sent a man with both my name AND W's to help save the Gulf Coast.

So please God, let the storm die out at sea. It's done enough damage already. If you do this one favor for me, I promise not to invoke your name again. I'll leave that to the followers of Rev. Dobson and to those gathering this week in St. Paul.

Your faithful servant and former seminarian,

Michael Moore
MMFlint@aol.com
MichaelMoore.com

P.S. To all of God's fellow children who are reading this, the city of New Orleans has not yet recovered from Katrina. Please click here for a list of things you can do to help our brothers and sisters on the Gulf Coast. And, if you do live along the Gulf Coast, please take all necessary safety precautions immediately.

2008-07-19T15:33:00.004-04:00

LAST PLAY AT SHEA

New York's legendary Shea Stadium is being torn down this year. The new stadium sits directly next door to it, waiting to be used. You can almost imagine the new stadium looking at its watch.

Billy Joel announce he was going to close out the 45 year history of the stadium by playing the last ever concert there. Tickets went on sale and, predictably, sold out in about 3 nanoseconds. So they added a second show. Can you imagine? You buy tickets for the last ever concert at Shea stadium by Billy Joel, who barely ever plays anymore...and then they add another one! I was lucky enough to get tickets to the second show...that is, the REAL final show at Shea. I feel really bad for the people who went Wednesday, thinking they were buying tickets to the last show, but I was thrilled to be at the "real" one.

The night was heavy. It was hot and humid and still. We were drenched in sweat after the 15 minute walk from the subway to the stadium. We climbed up and up and up but the wind never picked up and the air never cooled.

The show started about 50 minutes late. We were simmering in our own sweat. We had heard tell of special guests at Wednesday's show: Don Henley, Tony Bennet, John Mellencamp and John Mayer. To be honest I wasn't too excited by those names and we had no idea what to expect tonight. I joked about Ozzy Osbourne or Alice Cooper. We heard rumors about Paul McCartney and Ringo, but nobody believed it.

Billy came on, looking freaking OLD. He's bald and gray and round and sweaty. He made a comment about the heat and took off with Miami 2017. The band sounded great and Billy was really giving it his all. Then he showed a badge he was wearing and announced that it was Ringo's from that first performance by the Beatles in 1964. A few songs in, he began wiping his sweaty head every 10 seconds until he asked for a wet towel and wore it on his head like an Islamic head scarf for 2 songs. I knew how hot I was and he was up there working in the lights, wearing a jacket. His face beet read, Billy pushed on, cranking out hit after hit, sounding great. The audience reacted Pavlovianly to each mention of New York or a Long Island town, but it's all part of the fun.

For New York State of Mind, Billy introduced Tony Bennet and the crowd erupted. I'm no Tony Bennet fan but I have nothing against him. Tony sang very well and seemed to energize Billy a bit.

More hits followed, along with some lesser known album cuts, to which Billy suggested people go to the bathroom now. What a self-deprecating lug he is!

Then it was time for guest #2....Garth freaking Brooks. The place erupted even more if you can believe it. I was flabbergasted. I didn't even know the guy was still alive. Anyway, he actually performed Shameless with tons of enthusiasm and I thought it was pretty darn good.

Goodnight Saigon is traditionally played with a background chorus of military servicepeople. Tonight was no different and the crowd stood and cheered when they were shown on screen. As an anti-war kind of a guy, I felt a little uncomfortable, but I do understand the concept of respecting the people who think they are trying to protect us. But when the song ended and the crowd spontaneously started chanting "USA! USA! USA!" I felt really out of place and felt the crowd missed the point of the song.

Later, Billy introduced Steven Tyler and the place almost LITERALLY erupted. The noise was deafening. Tyler launched into the fastest, most energetic rendition of Walk This Way I've ever heard. He was magnificent in his makeup and scarves. It was an outstanding performance, if a little out of place with the rest of the night. That song kicked off another hour or so of really high-energy hits that kept the crowd on its feet. We Didn't Start The Fire was visually aided by the literal collection of images describing each thing (birth control/Ho Chi Min/Richard Nixon back again), but it was fun.

A little later Roger Daltry came on out and did My Generation. Again, out of place for the show I thought, but a rousing performance ended by Billy smashing a guitar.

Finally, Billy, covered in sweat, said his goodbyes and left the stage. He didn't even play Piano Man, so we knew better.

He took the stage again for his first encore to introduce Sir Paul McCartney. OK, this was the loudest noise I think I've ever heard. Paul looked great and I've never been to a Paul McCartney concert, so, being a lifelong Beatles fan, this was pretty damn exciting. The closest I ever got was a Ringo show at Jones Beach in the early 90s. He did I Saw Her Standing There and rocked the house. The Beatles opened Shea Stadium and now Paul was at the final show. How cool is that?!

Billy played another song and then left again. Still no Piano Man. He looked so red and swaety and tired, I was beginning to think he wouldn't do it. But this was it. This was the last ever performance at Shea and perhaps the last ever of Billy himself at a venue like this...

Finally, He took the stage again, harmonica in mouth and performed his signature song, Piano Man. I've seen Billy play several times before and I know he lets the audience take a chorus at the end, but imagine all of Shea Stadium, 60,000 people, all singing sans music, the chorus of Piano Man. It was transcendent. Wow. It was over and it was thrilling.

Then Paul came back out to perform Let It Be. Are you serious? Yeah man, Paul McCartney closed the show. The Beatles opened Shea and Paul McCartney closed it. And I was there. It was magical and I know that I will, in the future, tell people that "Yeah, I was there. The FINAL SHOW. I was there."

I finally got home around 3:00am, coated in dried sweat and grime and unloaded of tons of cash ($4.25 for a bottle of water???).

3 hours in the hot hot summer night with Billy Joel, Roger Daltrey, Steven Tyler and Paul McCartney and it was the best concert I've ever seen.

2008-07-17T09:32:00.006-04:00

Racial Sensitivity and Black People

Let's make one thing perfectly clear. I am not racist. I have nothing against people of another color. It's unimaginable to me that blacks and whites were not allowed to use the same facilities in my parents' lifetime.

I'm all for racial equality. What I'm not OK with is this backlash. Black people have called themselves all kinds of things in the past and the one that seems to be the safest right now is African-American. I refuse to use that term. African-American implies that that person's heritage is rooted in Africa but now lives in America. Nelson Mandela is not African American. He's African. Ziggy Marley is not African-American. The Jamaican custodian who works in my school is not African-American. He's Caribbean-American. I don't want to have to do research. You might argue, "Why refer to their race at all?" Because you know what? Sometimes I might need to. I might refer to the fact that he's black. Or bald. Or tall. Being black is not a secret. Black people know they're black. Why can't I mention it? I'm white. So?

There's a story that just came up that burns my ass. In Dallas, some county commissioner was talking about how traffic tickets were being lost. He mentioned that it was like "a black hole." The two black people in the room got offended. Seriously. They said it was racially insensitive. They compared the term to "Jewing someone down" in terms of inappropriateness. "Jewing" someone down is a term based on a stereotype and can be considered offensive. Calling something a black hole is not because a black hole is called a black hole because light doesn't reflect off of it, so it is...BLACK...that is, devoid of light.

Now there's a whole other issue. I've even seen a kid's book called something like, "Is everything black bad?" I can understand that. Black hats, black hearts...if you're growing up black and keep hearing all these things that are also black being described as bad, you might make a connection.

So, fine, maybe it's time to eliminate the word black to describe Negroes. Maybe it's time to use a more scientific word. Let's see, the scientific word for whites is Caucasian and they seem OK with that...the scientific word for African-Americans is Negro. Or better yet, come up with a new word that hasn't been tainted yet. Like Troont. "We're a mixed marriage. I'm White and she's Troont." Is that offensive? I think not. It's just really weird.

And another thing. I love blues music. I like some reggae. I think Jimi Hendrix was the greatest electric guitar player ever. Richie Havens' performance at Woodstock was incredibly moving. Sharon Jones, Etta James, Jimmy Scott, Miles Davis, Guy Davis, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Marley and probably more are all on my iPod. But if I say I hate rap music and detest the hip-hop culture, I might be called racist, and in fact, have been.

The sensitivity police are out of control. Can my kid play with a black crayon? My 6 year old describes people as having brown skin or peach skin. I never taught him that. He sees it with his own eyes. I never taught him the right terms: "African-American and white." He calls it likes he sees it. I encourage that. He told me of a girl "with brown skin" at camp who was sad because no one would be friends with her, so he sat down with her. That was incredibly sweet. Is he racist because he saw that she had brown skin? Hardly.

It's getting so I can't use my favorite joke anymore:
"I like my coffee like I like my women..hot and black!"

Now I just say:
"I like my coffee like I like my women...hot and sweet...with a spoon in them."

It still works, but in a different way.

Now this is not directly related, but it goes along with all the knee-jerk reactionary stuff. Obama's goddamn New Yorker cover. if you haven't seen it, the cover of a magazine shows a drawing of Barack Obama in the White House Oval Office, dressed as the Taliban with a flag burning in the fireplace and an Osama bin Laden poster on the wall, fist-bumping his Black Panther wife.
The cartoon was obviously pointing the ludicrous things people believe and are saying about the Obamas. The New Yorker is, in effect, saying sarcastically, "Yeah right, this is what they're like...sure." To say it another way, they were satirizing the people who are calling the Obamas Mulsim and unpatriotic.

But people, being people, got upset. They took it literally. They think that if you show Obama as a Muslim, no matter the context, then you think he's a Mulsim and are trying to tell the world that he is Muslim. If you put a poster of bin Laden on a magazine cover then you are promoting him and pissing on the memories of those who died on 9/11. Rarely have I seen such unanimous misunderstanding. People do not understand subtlety and nuance. People are thick and superficial.

Take the recent rash of "parody movies"...please!
Formula: Take a bunch of right-now-popular-and-current movies and celebrities, string references of them together and throw in some crude slapstick humor and you've got a movie. "Superhero Movie", "Date Movie," "Disaster Movie"... One of these movies (I don't know which) features a scene parodying the movie 300 where the Ancient Romans are battling and then suddenly Britney Spears arrives, shaving her head. Get it? Or another in which Gandalf tells Frodo not to throw away the ring and Frodo turns around and kicks him in the balls. Satire at its finest. This is what I'm saying. People don't do subtle. Show them something titillating so they remember it, and then show it to them again in a different context and they'll jump and clap because they recognized it and that passes for clever.

I mean, I'm a smart guy. Not physicist-smart, or even street-smart, but reasonably intelligent. But I often feel like I'm smarter that most of the country. That can't be true, can it?

2008-06-12T21:19:00.003-04:00

THE APOCALYPSE

I'm sure this happens all the time throughout history, but I'm beginning to fear that the end of the world as we know it is approaching.

I just read a cute little book called Life As We Knew It. I thought it was a cool science-fiction book about the moon crashing into the Earth, but it turned out to be more about how life would be if a natural catastrophe wiped out a good percent of the population. The book is told in the voice of a preteen girl's diary. It was pretty girly and all, but it did show the lasting effects of contaminated water, unpredictable weather patterns, no electricity, mass hysteria and general human survival instincts. Not a fantastic book, but pretty good. When I was done with it, I realized it had a lot in common with The Road, a book I blogged about previously. Although, The Road is bleak and relentless and told so well that you feel as if it has already happened. Both books feature a natural disaster wiping out most of civilization and electricity and any sort of public works or police force. It's harrowing.

Next, I rented The Mist, based on a Stephen King story. Good story, good movie. Basically it was a typical horror film, but it supposed the concept of being trapped in a supermarket with no help from the outside. What do you do? How do you survive? It seemed like a similar theme from the book I had just read, so I went out and re-read The Road. It's still a powerfully depressing read.

I was then reminded of another book I read this year, called The World Without Us. This is a nonfiction book that basically shows how nature will take over if humans were to simply vanish. It cites places where this has happened and extrapolates. For example, without the teams of people working underground constantly, Manhattan would be flooded within a week. You really get the feeling that the Earth is letting us stay on her, but we're really starting to push it. It goes on to describe the plastic-eating bacteria that evolve in certain situations. It really makes one feel small and insignificant, but it also gave me hope that we're not going to literally destroy the planet. Ourselves, maybe, but not the planet.

Then I watched An Inconvenient Truth. Holy crap, people. If half of what this film predicts is true, then we are screwed. This planet cannot sustain this many people, not to mention the way our population and our pollution has exploded in the last 50 years. People are making this out to be a political issue, but I certainly remember hearing about global warming back in the 80's in school, and I'm sure it's been taught before then. This is not a new problem, and it's only getting worse. Then, right after watching the movie, Long Island had a really bad heat wave for 3 days. Now, everybody gets heat waves and we always have, but it really reinforced the point.

But imagine we take care of pollution and the population boom. Politically, we're screwed. The Middle East issue has also been around for years and years, but it's not getting better. It's getting much much worse. We were warned in the 70s to stop using fossil fuels, but we didn't. There is a finite amount of this stuff and we're using it up faster than ever. People don't believe that we'll ever run out, but we will, and in our lifetimes. That's what scares me. Right now, we depend on our enemies for our survival. That's a horrible position to be in. We've stirred up a hornet's nest and we've got millions of religious extremists who want to die in the process of killing us, PLUS they're sitting on our oil.

Please explain to me in simple English why we're not doing everything in our power to get away from fossil fuels. They pollute, they finance the Middle East, and it's goddamn expensive. But you know, if you told people that unless we all stop driving cars the Earth is going to spin into the sun, you would have thousands of people (mostly Americans) driving to work every day and politicians saying it's not economically feasible to our economy to prevent the destruction of Earth.

There is also a ton of information out there about the year 2012. Apparently this year coincides with a bunch of ancient texts and calendars and they all point to a catastrophe or something. I don't believe in ancient prophecies or to-the-day doomsday predictions, but I do find myself looking at the world situation and thinking, "How can we survive this? How is possible that I will die an old man with my children living good lives?" More often I find myself imagining a world where the oil has run out and we've done nothing to take its place, effectively crippling civilization and throwing the world into a Mad Max scenario.

Then, sometimes, I say to myself, "No, we can do it, don't worry" and this wave of relief comes over me. Well, I'll guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Oh, and did you see the new iPhones? They're so cool.

2008-03-23T20:13:00.002-04:00

BROKEN TOE(?)

I was going to blog about some world news and stuff. You know, like the whole Obama/Clinton thing, or about Arthur C. Clarke's passing. But I decided that many more people with better resources have probably spoken about these things with far greater insight than I can ever hope to offer. So I bring you the crap in my own personal life.
I think I may have broken my little toe. I was walking barefoot in the basement when I accidentally kick the leg of a wood coffee table. It hurt. A LOT. It wasn't bleeding, so I basically ignored it. 12 hours later, I found it hard to walk on and running was impossible. The next morning, it had blown up and turned the purlpe of an angry bruise, and my foot had begun to change color as well. Everyone says that there's nothing you can do with a broken toe, so I'm just ignoring it at this point. It's uncomfortable, but not actively painful, unless I'm getting a shoe on or off. And I can touch it and bend it without too much agony. So, whatever it is, I've got it. All you amateur podiatrists can take a gander:

2008-03-05T13:30:00.003-05:00

AWARD WINNING
I took this photo of my daughter in October of 2006. I submitted it to the Ritz Camera photo contest at my mother's nudging. Several months later, my wife calls me at work, sounding harried and frantic.
"Did you enter a photo of Allie in the bathroom to some contest or something?"
My mind races as I imagine what bad thing I did to warrent such fury. Finally I remember the photo and tell her that yeah, I did.
"Well you just won $500! You took first runner up!"
Turns out she was right. I actually got the registered letter from Ritz Camera requesting my tax information and I called them to confirm and it all adds up. I am actually an award-winning photographer!

2008-01-18T22:02:00.001-05:00

CELESTIAL PHOTGRAPHY

I took some nighttime photos tonight, using a tripod and keeping the shutter open for the longest the camera would allow (30 seconds). I was able to capture my favorite constellation, Orion.
Click the images to see them all big and pretty.

You can clearly see the yellow and blue shoulders, the blue stars that make up the belt, the dagger hanging down from his belt, and the two lower stars, suggesting his legs.

This picture shows the streaking caused from keeping the shutter opened so long. The Earth is rotating, causing the smear effect.

In Photoshop, I simply clicked "Auto levels" and got this amazing daytime-like result:

And finally, here is the moon, lording over the infinitely brighter, but inconceivably further, stars.

2008-01-16T09:29:00.000-05:00

THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE

This has been a fairly exciting race so far. Right now I'm rooting for Barack Obama. I don't really think he'll win, but stranger things have happened (see '00/'04).

I'm frankly surprised that Rudy Guiliani has gotten as much support as he has, but encouraged to see him in dead last place. He stamps out strip clubs and "offensive" art and has a general temperament of dismissiveness. He is a slimy hypocrite who claims himself a Catholic, yet has affairs and gets divorced. He is against abortion...sort of...sometimes...His evoking of 9/11 is the stuff of legend and is the sleaziest kind of rabble-rousing. That said, I'm glad he's not going to be the Republican candidate because there are a whole lot of people who think he's a good, strong man who actually did something on 9/11 and will whip those bad guys into shape. These same people HATE Democrats and Rudy is the anti-bleeding heart liberal.

I just never understood people who thought we were lucky to have had Bush and Giuliani in office on 9/11. Bush could have prevented the attacks had he cared to and Giuliani's deafness to the Fire Department's pleas for better equipment would have saved hundreds of lives.

So right now Mitt Romney is doing well. He's the weirdest of the Republicans. I mean, on the Democrats' side, we've got a woman, a black man and John Edward in the forefront. The Republicans are, for the most part, standard Republicans. But Mitt Romney is a Mormon, which is not a woman or a black man, but still freaks people out. I mean, the religion is like a hundred years old or something. People don't like that. And he wears magic underwear. Personally, I don't care about the magic underwear. I think it's silly, but I think most religious affectations are silly (yalmukas, ashes on the forehead, turbans...). Romney has been defending his religion as well as his religiosity. He claims the Bible is the word of God and believes it in full. He thinks abortion and stem-cell research is WRONG and he wants to defend the sanctity of life. And yet he supports the death penalty. He believes Osama bin Laden should die for his sins. Doesn't the Bible say something like "thou shalt not kill" and "turn the other cheek" or something like that? Not being religious, I simply detest people who use the Bible to support the things they already agree with, but ignore the things that don't jibe with their desires. I suppose this dichotomy can apply to each candidate, on both sides, because our presidential hopefuls have to seem religious in order to get respect from the population at large. And nobody lives their life strictly in adherence to the Bible. If they did, they'd be too freaky to get elected. But not religious enough? Also too freaky.

Ron Paul is a force unto himself. He's really a Libertarian, not a Republican. He opposes most of the government's intervention into people's lives. He opposes the war wholeheartedly. And yet he wants abortion made illegal and stem cell research stopped. He doesn't support the party line that we were attacked on 9/11 because "they hate our freedom." There's a great clip from a debate in which Ron Paul explains that we were attacked because the Islamic fundamentalists hated our interference in their part of the world. Of course, Rudy G plays up the 9/11 card by responding with "As someone who was attacked on 9/11, I can't believe you would say it was our fault!" I happen to agree with Ron Paul on a lot of things. I think the country is spoiled. We expect the government to take care of us completely, as if it had infinite resources. There comes a time when sacrifice and personal responsibility should take root. He also wants to legalize medical marijuana and eliminate the death penalty. He opposes the gay marriage ban and wants the Patriot Act eliminated. I can see why people like him. Yet he wants prayer in schools. On the other hand, he wants to bring all our troops home and eliminate our military presence around the world, while eliminating the income tax completely. Considering the other Republicans, I think I'd like to see Ron Paul run against a Democrat. It wouldn't be such a crushing blow to lose to him. But he ain't got a chance in hell.

Mike Huckabee is a Baptist minister who opposes gay rights, gay adoption, abortion, stem cell research and pornography. He doesn't believe in evolution and wants the 10 Commandments displayed in all public schools. He wants AIDS patients quarantined from society. He thinks the war needs to continue in earnest and George W. Bush has been an excellent president. 'nuff said.

McCain is a fairly traditional conservative Republican. He wants the 10 Commandments in schools and believes schools have the right to decide if Creationism should be taught. He opposes abortion, except in the cases of rape and incest. He wants the war to go forward and thinks diplomacy is overrated. He thinks gay rights issues should be state-by-state issues, but he'd be fine with a gay president. He wants to ban flag-burning and thinks the Confederate Flag is a perfectly acceptable symbol of heritage. He wants to see the death penalty used more often. He wants to see us be independent of foreign oil in 25 years and wants to drill in Alaska. He wants stronger drug penalties. He is, in essence, a Reagan Republican...which we sure as hell do NOT need right now.

Now, Hillary Clinton is going to be the Democratic candidate. I think that's a pretty safe bet.
She is the typical Democratic candidate. She supports gay rights and gay unions with full benefits. She supports abortion rights. She claims to be religious and a Bible-reader, but doesn't brag about it. She believes the war in Iraq is wrong, but doesn't want to simply pull out. I believe Hillary is very similar to Bill in that they are both liberals but are willing to play the game and compromise easily. I also think Hillary is less charismatic than Bill, but the whole "first woman president" thing gets a lot of people excited. Though I imagine it pisses a lot more people off. If she runs, I will support her, but it won't be in earnest. Most likely it'll be to make sure the other guy doesn't get in...same as I did with Kerry last time.

John Edwards has barely made a blip on the public's radar. Yet he has some strong opinions. Similarly to Clinton and Edwards, he supports gay rights and abortion rights. He believes the war is wrong and we should get out. He wants a strong military, but feels it needs to be used better. He's a Methodist, like my wife. I know from experience that Methodism is a very laid-back and private religion. It's the kind of religion that I'd prefer my president to be, if he had to be something. He is strongly on the side of public schools as well as gun owners. If Hillary was out of the picture, I'd say Edwards would be the way to go. I say that because I think Obama will have a lot of extra hills to climb, being an outsider as well as a black man. I think the top 3 Democratic runners are worthy, but I think Edwards would have the easiest time getting his work done.

Barack Obama is a young guy who grew up hard. He was poor and black in America. He has risen above all that. He grew up aware of religion, but not immersed in it. He was exposed to both Christianity and Islam through his schooling, but was not enrolled in a madrassah, as Fox News would have you believe. He has always opposed the war and supported gays and abortion rights. Like any serious candidate, he is realistic about some things. He knows, for example, that America is not ready to accept gay marriage, so he has focused more on legal unions with benefits. Again, this is compromise. I just believe that Obama truly believes in bringing his goals to fruition and is ready to change a lot of things in government. I think Clinton and Edwards would try as well, but are too "of Washington" to really bring this country back to its former glory. Maybe I'm being naive. I guess we'll see.