SpiritSpeaks

2009-10-21T18:22:00.004-05:00

The Spree Ends Now

I have a long posting about Canine Evolution (!) coming up, but I've spent too much time on the computer today, so that will have to wait.

Today I spent a great amount of time inputting financial stuff into Quicken, and the result was rather unpleasant. I was quite the good girl all summer (even with the 2 driving vacations), but it all went to heck last month, with the dog being sick (over $800), the car needing servicing (over $600), and this terrific Dell Mini ($300). I also spent $$ on books and have started buying Xmas gifties, but that's less stuff that needs to be bought later on this year.

I'm glad that the dog is fine (that was also incredibly stressful), and $600-700 spent on the car still beats the heck out of car payments. The Mini is supposed to be used in my practice, so I'd better get my credit card stuff up and running (for web-based billing). Perhaps I'll do that tomorrow.

I still have another $1100 or so toward my practice that I need to spend: my TX license and malpractice insurance. I think that adding the insurance will insure (!) that I don't make a profit again this year.... but then my taxes will be less.

The biz is going quite well - I could still handle a lot more patients per week, but I have a steady stream of work - I'm so excited to be helping people. I love the interaction and the time with people. I just need to get my income up by seeing more patients - and having credit cards and malpractice insurance is part of that. As I often say, you've got to spend some money to make some money.

I'm also enjoying the symphony (!!!!) and the opera again, and have even decided to serve on the opera's orchestra committee, if elected. For whatever reason I'm just settling into my life - and I've even had some time to do some meditation. Or I should say that I've *taken* some time to do some meditation.

2009-10-13T18:43:00.003-05:00

Fox

I'm not sure what happened to me recently - I had a series of rather intense dreams, and suddenly I'm a new woman! I don't know how the heck that happened, but believe me, I'm not questioning it. As a result I've made some changes that are making great sense to me, and I just want to document them here.

First of all, I now have purple highlights in my (shorter) hair. As a Leo rising, I tend to like being the center of attention, but this has been too much for the Virgo in me. I didn't realize how much I value being able to be anonymous in public, and that's not possible anymore. People see the hair and respond - all the time. Just now I had a (incredibly handsome) foreign dude who was working in a convenience store flirt with me! That has never happened to me before. I almost didn't know what to do. I was shocked to have such a handsome man pay attention to me.

Second, I'm in the process of changing my online nick from sravana to SolSionnach. This is where the "Fox" of the title of this post comes from (not from the purple hair!) Sravana is my Vedic Moon sign, and frankly, it means nothing to me anymore. I tried to do the Vedic thing a while back, and it made no sense to me. Lately I've been heading in an increasingly Druidic direction, and Sionnach is Gaelic for "fox" - Sol, unsurprisingly, is Latin for "sun" (Sun in Gaelic is Solas, but that was too long). I'm now SolSionnach on Aeclectic Tarot, and on the OBOD message boards (though I haven't posted there yet). I chose the fox for my name because I've had a connection to foxes since childhood (IIRC I posted about this a while back), and I liked the Gaelic name. BTW, Sionnach is pronounced Sho-nakh.

Third, I'm going through and throwing away... stuff. It started a couple of weeks ago (when I was having tachycardia from too much caffeine), as I was going through my closet and pulling stuff out. There is more that needs pulling, but if I pulled it all out today I would be walking around in bra and panties and almost nothing else. (Now THERE'S a scary thought!)

Fourth, last night I put Apple OSX on my Dell Mini 10v - and it's working! I'm absolutely amazed by this; I think I've earned my geek stripes, don't you think? Of course, I couldn't've done it without the guys at MyDellMini.com. They made this process almost foolproof. I love this little machine, and it feels much faster with Snow Leopard than it was with XP.

Since I last blogged the dog was very sick with who knows what, but she's back to 100% now and is even playing after breakfast again. I was a total mess while she was sick (imagine that), but now we're both back to normal.

I also wanted to blog about a book I'm reading (all about Canine evolution!!), but that will have to wait for another day. I need to set up Mail so I can read and reply to emails here.

2009-09-30T23:08:00.002-05:00

Still not working,

because nothing has changed. Life has been rather eventful and full of emo (sick dog), but I don't want to talk about that. I want to talk about my life not working.

Sometimes I think that I simply need much more free time than most folks. I have never been able to sustain busy 8-hour days for some reason. In that way the symphony is the perfect job for me - we don't have that much time in rehearsal or performance - and after 30 years I'm pretty attuned to a relaxed lifestyle. Relaxed, and punctuated with moments of hysteria, that is.

Keera's comment on a post below about hooking up with a life coach is intriguing. My problem is that I have no unifying vision for my life... I'm just drifting through day by day, doing what comes to my attention, and I feel that my lack of social contacts and support, while familiar, might come back to bite me in the behind as I get older. In fact, I know it stands a good chance of doing just that. But I'm so comfortable living a relaxed life - even though my mind runs circles around it and spends too much time being upset that I'm not making something of myself... or some such.

Is this really a problem? Is it really a problem that I'm so... for lack of a better word... lazy? Am I lazy, or simply depressed or lacking belief in myself? Do I avoid putting myself out there because I'm afraid of failure? Or feel that it's no use?

Or afraid of success? (an eyebrow goes up). Hmmm. Because success would cramp my style. Would I rather mosey through life poor, instead of applying myself, succeeding, and not having the free time I crave?

I wonder how little I could work and still have a comfortable life.

Which reminds me of an interview on the Theater of the Mind podcast with Marc Allen, where he talks about affirming being successful without having a type-A lifestyle. This bears more thought.

(The interesting thing is that even though I don't work my @$$ off, I have all that I need and more... raises eyebrow again)

2009-09-19T14:44:00.003-05:00

Breathe, darn it!

So, last night I was feeling pretty good, even meditated for a bit. Then I went to bed... and couldn't fall asleep. Well, I could, but then I would wake up with a start, because I'd stopped breathing. This went on for over 2.5 hours.

I was nervous about taking something to help me fall asleep, I figured that my autonomic nervous system wasn't working so well, wouldn't an anti-anxiety drug just make it worse? Then I remembered: the times that I've had this symptom have been high-stress times. So I took 1/2 of my Ativan, browsed the Druid Plant Oracle book, and eventually fell asleep. For 4.5 hours. The upshot: I was holding my breath in my sleep.

Ms. B's sleep was disturbed by me (poor dear), and this afternoon when I came back from treating patients I found that her incontinence issue has sprung a leak again. :\ Ah well, I have meds for her for that, too.

Keera's response to my previous post was spot on - and a big part of my stressful disarray seems to be because I need to take a leap of faith and not look back. i.e. believe in myself enough to quit the symphony, and maybe even move to another city. One thing at a time, I guess.

I do love the fall - this is a time of year for beginnings for me: my birthday, the annual school year starting, the symphony's season starting - and I'm up for a lot of change right now. New clothes, new stuff around the house, getting rid of stuff, finding a mate (?)... and a new life. *With* the dog. She needs to know that she's not optional!

2009-09-18T20:49:00.003-05:00

My life is not working

This summer I spent a lot of time lolling around - being laid off has a way of making that possible. I was able to make two lovely vacations to the mountains. I jumped on the iPod Touch bandwagon (ostensibly to be able to listen to podcasts during my drive) , and had great fun buying various apps to play around with. Talk about a time waster! Mercy.

I ended up becoming very tense in my shoulders because of playing with the Touch, and chose to ignore the pain and continue playing games (Yes. This now 52-year-old is playing iPod games.) Then work started up again, and I was more and more stressed. I hadn't played my instruments at all since July 4th; I found myself having an IBS flareup, and had a perfectly frightening reaction to caffeine this Thursday a week ago. Time to just say "no" to that cup o' joe.

The very next day my dog stopped greeting me when I came home. She acted very unhappy.. but would perk up when I took her outside. This went on for days, with me hoping that this or that would make her feel better. Finally I took her to the vet for tests yesterday - and most everything was normal.

So I sat down and had a talk with her, and it seems that she is scared about me. After all, I went from lolling around (classic avoidance behavior for me), to frantically having stomach cramps, practicing, running off at all hours to work - and I also tore apart my closet whilst having tachycardia episode. I think that she's just been wondering what the hell has been going on.

Me too.

Today in rehearsal I realized (again) that my life is simply not working. I can go for days without talking to anyone on the phone, save my parents. I have a very small handful of RL friends, and haven't had any kind of opposite-sex attention for over 2 1/2 years. All that feels normal to me, but it's not working. I cannot live like this. No (wo)man is an island and all that... and if it wasn't for Ms. B, I'd have no reason to get out of bed in the morning, or so it seems.

I was struck by how UGLY living in the city is the other day. I was driving home from rehearsal, looking at all the grimy cars and streets... all of us hurtling around from one thing to the next... and for what? I go to work so I can eat (and maybe buy a MacBook when they next update!), not for any overwhelming love of what I do (symphony-wise, that is). I did enjoy treating a patient this morning (and will again tomorrow morning), so that's all good.

But this is just not working for me, and it's time I sat down and figured out what I WANT in life, rather than just drifting from day to day, playing video games and getting fat.

2009-05-22T00:56:00.003-05:00

Keera didn't tag me, but here I go anyway

A - Age: It's not polite to ask women their age, when they are my age.

B - Bed size: Full.

C - Chore you hate: All of them.

D - Dog's name: Ms. Blossom Opossom

E - Essential to start your day: Tottering to the toilet, then taking the dog out, first thing.

F - Favorite color: All of them. Even Brown.

G - Gold or Silver: Both.

H - Height: Afraid of (me too!). Almost 5'1". (154.94 cm)

I - Instruments you play: Flute/piccolo. Radio. CD player.

J- Job: Musician/acupuncturist. Or is it Acupuncturist/musician. Or fortuneteller??

K - Kid(s): None. Thank heavens.

L - Living arrangements: Living with a dog.

M - Mom's name: Carma

N - Nicknames: 'Vana

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: One night, after having tonsils out at 32. Yes, it hurt!

P - Pet Peeve: No, the pet is blossom.

Q - Quote from: I don't ever remember quotes.

R - Right or left handed: Right, mostly.

S - Siblings: None. I got all the crazy.

T - Time you wake up: days off: 9:30. Work days: 8:00.

U- Underwear (boxer/briefs): French cut briefs.

V - Vegetable you dislike: Most of them. I eat them when I have to.

W - Ways you run late: Sitting at the computer. All. The. Time.

X - X-rays you've had: Chest, hand, teeth.

Y - Yummy food you make: None. I don't cook.

Z - Zoo favorite: Tigers and red foxes. Both are so purty!

2009-05-09T13:57:00.003-05:00

Who are we?

From time to time I stop by Robin Artisson's blog, and while he's usually way too wordy for me, this afternoon I read the below, and wanted to share it.

Who are we? Restless spirits that become fascinated with trees or snowy lanes? With houses and children? With mysteries or passion? I think that description is adequate in ways. What force drove us to our present passions and fixations? Whatever power did, I think that no force less than the original will serve to drive us onward to new destinies. In every jewel-like vision of the world, dark or light, full of snow or thirsty scrubland, crowned with houses and buildings or towering mountains, I feel that something has been embedded- a secret sketch of Fate- showing us all, whatever our situation, the secret pattern under destiny's plow.

(from here)

As he did months ago (sorry, no link, don't remember when!), Robin stirred me with his words. Of course, this carries on from my latest post, where I wondered what the heck I was all about. I'll be happy if this is a mid-life crisis, because then I'll live to 102. Perhaps by then I'll have it figured out.

I wrote last time: Regret that I never knew myself, regret that I never amounted to much, regret that few will even notice if I was gone.

As I looked at that again today, I realized that I really REALLY need to pay attention to that. Yesterday I had a 3-hour quasi-lesson with a colleague, and ended up feeling much better about my audition prospects (though completely, irrevocably exhausted)... and I promptly forgot about what I wrote two days ago. No wonder I don't know who I am.

OTOH, as my colleagues say, one needs to be mightily focused to audition successfully. So, as usual, I prioritize my energy. Sort of. Haven't practiced yet today.

2009-05-07T16:49:00.005-05:00

I don't think I'm cut out for this.

In 10 days I'm auditioning for a position in a much bigger/better symphony, and I'm not ready for it. I also have no financial "Plan B" for the rest of my life - in the case that I don't win the audition. *If* I manage to make the cut to the second round (unlikely, as we speak), then I'd go back in June, and that extra 2 weeks would make a difference in how I would play.

My job here is downsizing, but by how much we don't yet know. We did take a pay cut for the next few weeks, after that we will be laid off (as we are each summer). Thank heavens for unemployment compensation! So all that is hazy, something that I just don't want to think about. The job I'm auditioning for would triple my salary. Wouldn't that be nice. No, it wouldn't be in 6 figures, not nearly (which tells you how PITIFUL my salary is where I am now.)

I haven't practiced in 6-7 years, and it shows. Taking that into consideration, I've made *amazing* progress, but it isn't likely enough to make the cut. I've been really enjoying this process, at least until the time to actually stand up in front of a committee and play it has come near. Now I'm freaking out.

So, what about acupuncture (you may ask). Yeah, what about it? I had a very unpleasant wakeup call several weeks ago, and I haven't yet dealt with the emotional fallout.

Without telling any details, I felt at some risk from a patient who came in and didn't get better immediately. At that time I had no malpractice insurance (still don't, pending the audition), and I felt horribly at risk from this woman. As of today, nothing has happened - but I find myself quite reluctant to take on that kind of responsibility in a litigious society. I have had a few new patient queries, but nothing has come of them.

Today as I was walking to the car after playing for a couple of my colleagues, my friend opened up her cellphone to read a text, and her face just lit up. It was a text from her boyfriend, and that's when my heart simply broke for a woman named Sravana, who has been dealing with a quite stressful life for over 50 years now, and has no one to call her own. Yeah, it's a sappy sentiment - and I'm *very* happy for my friend - but really!

Then I get home, and while perusing a medical newsletter I get, was linked to a paper on how women with depression, or using anti-depressants, have a much greater likelihood of Sudden Cardiac Death. I've been depressed all my life, on anti-depressants since 1994, have cardiac risk factors, and a family history of heart disease. Recipe for disaster, eh?

Just before I sat down to write this I took a shower, and afterward cried and cried and cried. It might be menopausal, on the one hand, but on the other - Oh Hell. Thank heavens for the critter. I don't know what I'd do without her.

All my life I've had a drive to be something special. Someone unique, well thought of, even famous! I suppose that drive came from the desire to win my parents' love and respect. When I was a child they were unavailable, due to mental illness or generalized emotional unavailability. But this afternoon I felt that I just wanted to be normal. Have a husband and 2 kids (like I could stand the responsibility for that!), a house with a garden, play the flute on the side and do art. What do I have? A too-expensive apartment, a dog, several tens of thousands of dollars in musical instruments, almost $90,000 in student loan debt, thousands of dollars in Chinese medicine books and a loom that I have no where to set up (and is probably *ruined* by now in storage), and very few RL friends (or virtual ones, for that matter). If I died today, and had my life flash before my eyes, my strongest feeling would be regret. Regret that I never knew myself, regret that I never amounted to much, regret that few will even notice if I was gone.

2009-04-25T14:46:00.003-05:00

New Moon

I have been a moon phase watcher for over 20 years. I enjoy noticing Luna's phase changes from both an astronomical and astrological point of view, but since I switched to the iMac in October I haven't had the nifty little Lunabar task bar icon to keep me abreast of the phases. However, for some reason I noticed that the moon had gone missing on Wednesday, and figured that it must be New Moon time. That phase happened yesterday - and esoterically it's a time for making new plans, changes - starting things that need to grow.

Two nights ago I read the following here (note, the link remains current, so if you're reading this after May 22 or so, the following won't appear, as it will have been updated):

During Moon-conjunct-Sun in Taurus this year, astrology shows that we are on the edge of a monumental spiritual awakening that nothing can stop. Just before the New Moon, on April 21 the Moon aligned with Venus conjunct Mars in 29 Pisces; this beautiful sight heralded a mystical awakening...

You may have been stewing in your emotional garbage during March and most of April, but that ends abruptly during this New Moon when you must get real...

Before this New Moon T-square set in, on April 19 we enjoyed the luscious green arrival of the Sun in Taurus. We soaked in love and attunement with Nature... You must realize that Nature loves you and creates you, yet many will wonder if Earth is buckling under the sheer weight of humanity. Others will feel like grasping for just one more comfort, one more way to feel secure. The arrival of this New Moon will challenge us all to truly value our planet's joy and pleasure...

As you can see in the chart, the Triple Conjunction is drawing very close during this New Moon, and this is expanding our spiritual healing. Mercury in 25 Taurus rules awareness and comprehension, and it exactly squares the Triple Conjunction; what you need to heal will be easy to identify during this New Moon. What's your big block? Where did it start? Are you doing things to heal it and get beyond it? In all spiritual traditions, taking the mantle of spiritual awareness often entails personal sacrifice. During this New Moon, look for insights concerning how our species may expand itself (Jupiter) by means of healing blocks (Chiron) that have kept us from our spiritual paths (Neptune), insights that may open during the next Great Age (Aquarius). Many of you have felt like beings of light with healing knowledge from Atlantis lurking in your cells. The Triple Conjunction is going to release this inner knowledge in direct proportion to letting ego go.

And then I started to get my spirituality back (see yesterday's post).

I don't think it's a coincidence.

I've been reading Hand Clow's books for a while now, and while she may be completely batshit-crazy, I glean something remarkable from each page. She is a Pleiadan channel (the "goddess" Satya, from Alcyone), and whatever I think of that, she walks her talk.

2009-04-24T12:12:00.004-05:00

Foxy

2009 is proving to be an intense year, don't you think? Currently we have taken a 14% cut in pay at work, there may be no work in the fall, my acubiz is miserable, I'm preparing for an audition for a big symphony job in another state, the dog has had (solved?) incontinence issues, I've been selling books on half.com, swine flu has been reported locally, and spring has arrived in South Texas.

But that isn't really what I want to blog about.

Ever since I returned to this city and the symphony, I've noticed that my spirituality has been on hold. I've a tendency to pagan/earth based spirituality, with some shamanic leanings - but I've been completely disconnected from that since the fall of 2007. I was disturbed by this, but nothing I did seemed to bring back that spiritual sense. I was resigned to the idea that it was in my past.

Yesterday I took the dog for a long walk, and following my intuition found myself in the company of 3-year-old Sravana. She is quite the survivor, and we were having a conversation about her fears, and how I'm the adult now, and she can count on me to take care of her. Immediately I noticed that a spirit fox was nearby, and that he was attached to little Sravana. She told me how much she had learned from him. From my shamanic studies I recognized that the fox is a liminal animal - living on the borders of darkness and light, dusk and dawn - and that the fox can easily fade from view. That skill would have been a tremendous boon when Sravana was little - because one never knew what was going to set off Mom, hiding made it less likely that she would be hurt. I realized that I still use fox medicine today, though it's harder for me to hide in plain sight now.

I was astonished at how easily this inner spiritual connection returned yesterday. All I had to do was open myself to the possibility and follow my intuition. What happened? Why was I able to slide back into this shamanic state so easily?

Yesterday was the New Moon. More on that tomorrow.

ETA: amazing fox video!!

2009-03-09T22:45:00.004-05:00

Cr@p

The past 10 days have been "interesting", in the manner of the Chinese curse "may you live in interesting times". (As an aside - we DO live in interesting times. Unfortunately).

I have served on a union committee for the past year, and recently (due to a jihad on the part of a colleague who sleeps with the Union President - her description, not mine) that has become untenable. Of our 5-person committee, 2 have already resigned, and I'm hoping to tenure my resignation (along with my two remaining colleagues) at the next Executive Board meeting, within 8 days. While I have put my WHOLE HEART into this work, I've loved this work, I adore working for my colleagues and making sure that the CBA (Collective Bargaining Agreement) is followed to the letter, but I absolutely cannot wait until I can resign and be done with this.

I obviously do not have the stomach or temperament to deal with office/union politics, and this has brought out an angry, avenging angel side to my personality. One can refer to this as the Inner Bitch, and let me tell you, she is raging. Not only do I want to complete my tenure, let the Union know what it needs to know and just wash my hands in the matter, I want the people responsible for the suffering that I and the rest of the committee have gone through to SUFFER. I would love to let loose with a string of profanity that would turn the air around me blue, cause the moon to wither and drop into the sea, make the earth shake and drop a meteor on the Union office - but my own sense of integrity (Virgo) won't let that happen. It's a vicious and violent anger - the kind that makes you want to fling crockery at brick walls, break chairs, tear office copiers apart, and hurl computers out of third-story windows. One colleague had to resign because the stress raised his blood pressure sky-high, and he is a stroke survivor. One colleague was up in the middle of the night last night, fuming because of the careless, cavalier, fsck-it-all attitude of the ***** who started this whole situation. One colleague resigned after getting the 2-page letter from that *****'s Union President boyfriend, saying that he didn't have time for this petty sh*t. I've barely kept another colleague from resigning - convincing him that we do need to present our work to the E-Board, and then we can wash my hands of this.

Rewind back six months - and the bargaining unit had just ratified a new CBA which called for a Union committee. Literally NO-ONE but four of us were willing to serve, and we had to beg the fifth to join us, because her department was different from the rest of us, and we really needed a representative from her department on the committee.

Do I think that the Union will be able to find another five colleagues to be their bitch? No. I think that it will take weeks of work to find another five patsys, particularly as people hear how callously we were treated. That is a comfort to me, because the @$$holes who have treated us so callously will be stuck doing the considerable amount of work that we were happy to do - for free.

It's times like this that I wish I was a practicing magickian/Pagan, because hurting someone is so so tempting. But it's just as well that I don't know much about magickal spells, because I hear that they give you back three times what you send out. Ouch.

Basically we were given enough rope to hang ourselves with, and then bitch-slapped.
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On a lighter note: I think I'm going to buy myself an iPhone this week. ::smile::

I'm also having some fun with Tarot and the Lenormand Oracle recently, after signing up for a 30-week tarot course on the TdM, and buying two more Lenormand decks. I was stunned with how accurate the Lenormand cards are. The Mystical Lenormand is becoming my favorite, though I like the Piatnik as well. The Mystical reminds me of the computer game Myst, and I may have to find a version of that game to play again on my new iMac.

2009-02-28T13:42:00.003-06:00

The Abyss winked...

The past few days I was looking into the abyss once again - and it took me a while to sort it out. The breakthrough was when I realized that it wasn't depression per se - it was a good, old-fashioned shame attack.

Which begs the question: what was I ashamed about?

Easy: I'm ashamed to be in such a mess at this age. By now most people are becoming grandparents, are looking forward to retirement, have a paid-for house, and are coming up on their 35th wedding anniversary. At least, that's what one expects for one's self in your early 50s. I have none of that - no kids, no spouse, no house, no retirement savings. And I have a job that's likely not going to exist in a few months (symphony), a business which is completely stagnant, and hardly any savings. And I'm ashamed of all of the above.

As I was driving to rehearsal today I realized that I'm actually feeling what a lot of people are feeling right now - the sudden loss of esteem caused by employment and financial stress. It's as though I'm already unemployed and struggling, because I have the foresight to see reality as it is - what's coming my way. It's as though being more practically aware is making me miserable. Of course, being so practical is enabling me to take steps to make sure that I'm not thrown out on the street - but I have to feel well enough to actually take action.

And when I'm suffering with a shame attack, taking action is practically (!) impossible.

I had a long talk with an old friend last night, and while he couldn't really help me (as I hadn't figured it out yet), it was wonderful to re-connect and catch up on our lives. We both have great things in the works. Here's hope for the future!

2009-02-27T17:57:00.002-06:00

... and the abyss stares back.

That's how I wanted to end my FB update: S has no answers, and the abyss stares back.

Nothing to see here, just carry on.

2009-02-25T20:28:00.004-06:00

Continuing...

Today I looked around to see what I could do for term life. While the coverage is about 4x what I currently have, after they take a gander at my mental/blood lipid/bone density numbers, I'm sure it will be completely unaffordable for the likes of me. I have 2 policies totaling $15,000. I don't think I need any more - I have no children, nor a spouse that needs me. So I'm thinking of cashing in the cash value of the smaller ($5000) one, and using that cash to begin to pay down my 6.8% portion of my student loan debt.

I have listed many more books for sale at half.com (look for womanwithpoodle), and they sell, one book at a time. This past weekend I actually sold two! I listed my unwanted decks at AT just now, along with 4 tarot books for $15 + shipping. Someone's interested, hope they buy them!

More on my life changes - I am convinced that the symphony is not going to survive this recession in anything like it's present pitiful shape... and I do NOT want to go down with the ship. I have a couple of options, and am working toward making at least one of them a reality. If not... No, let's not go there. There is an orchestra meeting tomorrow, and I'll know more then (if I can stomach to go to the meeting).

First - I did hear of a colleague who wanted an acupuncture associate. We talked and it sounded positive, but he hasn't yet responded to two emails and a phone call. I'm ready to write that off.

Second - part-time work from home as a medical transcriptionist. I'm not sure how good the money is, but I do enjoy working with the computer, and with my education and smarts should have no trouble landing a good gig. Maybe I'm pie in the sky here, but I bet I could live on 20/hours/week if the symphony was still around.

Third - I'm going to offer my services to area spas as an acupuncturist. A friend commented that none of the spas in her area were interested, but I'm going all out to make a good impression (portfolio-wise) with a girlfriend to help me out on the presentation front.

Fourth - my biz. I have NOT given it what I've needed to, and it shows. But I'm convinced that it's doable, but I'd need some kind of cushion while working on it. I thought I had that with the symphony, but that job is a HELL of a psychic drain - eminently unhelpful. I've been struggling with my own acu technique - working with Toyohari has not been spectacular, so I'm back to the drawing board with Chinese Acupuncture (by Morant). Not a problem in the least.

My *big* decision is where to move. It would cost me $1400 in fees to break my lease (and that would go on my credit rating!), so I'm stuck here through the 16th of September 2009. Tomorrow morning I'm going to amble over to the next apartment complex and see what their rates are like - I was thinking they would be lower, but I spoke to someone over their and they sound comparable, unfortunately. I don't want to live in a dump!

But... while I was visiting my parents I got a bee in my bonnet. They have been living in a 5th wheel travel trailer for 13-14 years, and mostly loving it. Lots of living light on the land, because you don't have room for so much *stuff*. A Motorhome looks like this, a class C looks like this, a 5th-wheel looks like this, while a travel trailer looks like this. Now, I certainly could not afford a Motorhome, Class C, or a 5th wheel... but I might be able to swing a travel trailer... to LIVE in. Used, of course. No way would I buy anything new.

Other than the cost of the trailer, there is the electricity/propane/rental of wherever you park. There is a wonderful park just outside the city where my parents have spent some time, and the monthly cost would run about $375. Gas would be a problem for the commute into town, but if I wasn't with the symphony, and was working as a medical transcriptionist part time and coming into town 2-3 days a week to work at the spa... I think that would be very very cool!

2009-02-23T10:46:00.003-06:00

Glimmers

I've had an interesting time with my folks. Last night I keyed into a deep sadness, and decided to walk with the dog. It was darkening, but was not yet as chilly. As I made the first round it brought to mind another time - back in 2003 when I was similarly walking the dog in a circle around the travel trailers where my folks were parked, trying to decide if I should commute to school from SA, or move to Austin. As I mulled that question over and over I suddenly realized that it was, in fact, the wrong question.

The right question was "what do I want my life to look like 5 years from now?".

I can't answer that question yet, but it certainly addresses my recent malaise and directionlessness. I don't know where I'm going, so I don't know what to do with myself. Simple answer: figure out where I'm going!

Last night I was reading this book: Chinese Acupuncture ... it's a veritable *tome* of a book (896pp. 5.2 lbs!) and is not an easy read. That being said, the author was a Frenchman who studied acupuncture in China before the revolution (which declared it "backwards" and forbade it). It's an exciting book for an acupuncturist, but a very hard slog, as it is poorly organized. I had a classmate who swore by this book and the techniques it teaches, but was unable to teach it to anyone else in a coherent manner. I gave up, and switched to Toyohari (which I'm now having second thoughts about...). Interestingly, the Morant book peaks my interest, as well as this book on Classical 5 Element acupuncture. I think that I have a boatload of Asian Medicine reading to do as I figure out what I want my life to look like.

2009-02-19T12:18:00.003-06:00

Resume

I've heard great things about being a Medical Transcriptionist, and I think that might be the ticket to making some extra $$$ during this economic downturn. I've done some googling, and am working up a resume. I hope that I qualify with my Oriental Medicine training, and don't have to take any more classes!

This would help me have a soft landing as I work on my acu biz and as a musician. I've been thinking about this for some time, and finally got my act in gear to start looking into it.

And - I have to call the acupuncturist who is looking for an associate again.

Good times!

2009-02-18T23:24:00.002-06:00

???

I tried to blog tonight, but I'm giving up. I don't know who I am these days, or where my life is going. I'm worried about my day job, about my non-existent business - but I still spent a heck of a lot of money on stuff that I don't need in the past 2 days.

I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, but when my Dad sends me emails about how Obama is a narcissist it rather gets me down. How in heaven's name can one keep a positive attitude when everyone believes that the world is going down the cr@pper?

I don't want to be a pie-in-the-sky, fingers in ears "la la la I can't hear you" "everything is just peachy" loon, but then again I don't want to be looking for a terrorist under every shrub, and expecting to be thrown out on the street several times a week.

How the heck does anyone find BALANCE in this environment!

2009-01-28T17:37:00.001-06:00

1/20/2009

Here are some more grand photos from Inauguration Day. I particularly liked the pic of the Pakistanis celebrating. Who would've thought.

More later...

2009-01-24T15:17:00.001-06:00

Trip

Out of town with no internet service for a few days...

2009-01-21T12:21:00.003-06:00

Thoth Tarot reading

Not to turn this into a tarot blog, but if I'm going to actually study the tarot, I need to do readings and blog about them.
I am studying the Thoth tarot for now - I've signed up for a course using the Noblet TdM starting in March.

My question: how do I deal with my inertia - my inability to just *do* what I need and want to get done?
3 cards: the Cause of the Problem, the Nature of the Problem, the Solution to the Problem.

Cause of the Problem: Queen of Disks
I notice that this queen is typically majestic in her bearing, but she's looking backwards into a barren desert-like vista. There is a river running through it, and all the palm trees seem to be in sets of three. Capricorn's goat stands next to her, balancing himself high on a disc of sorts. The greenery around her comprises her throne, and bends around her in a protective manner.

I see this card as indicating that my inertia has to do with my tendency to look to the past, seeing how bleak it was, and projecting that to the future. In fact, by dwelling on the past, I make my future in it's image. A bleak image, at that.

Nature of the Problem: Princess of Swords
Oh my. Where the Queen is passive in her attitude, the Princess is violently active. She is sailing through the air, with the Thoth 4-sided "crystal" in front of her. This crystal appears throughout the Swords suit - and in Thoth the Swords are Air and have to do with thought in it's most unemotional and cutting meaning. I look at this card and suddenly see the Princess tilting at windmills - to much going on, too many choices, and indeed, there is really no "enemy" there. There is a tendency in my to stay in my head and froth about with choices, ideas - generally too many at a time. So I am overwhelmed by my swirling thoughts, and unable to see my way ahead.

Solution to the Problem: Knight of Wands
This Knight is a real go-getter. He's all Fire, and has mastery of whatever he's doing. When I look at the three cards in sequence, I see motion from passive, through flailingly active, to directionally active. That being said, they are all facing to the left - the direction of the past. I intuit that my inertia has to do with my past - experiences and conclusions that I drew from those experiences which I haven't dealt with properly. The Knight's horse is LEAPING up - Jump in with both feet. Just do it. No, I don't really see this Knight as a "Nike" guy, but I think that's a big part of the message here.

The cards also literally show my astrological chart - I have Virgo/earth Sun (Queen of Disks), Aquarius/air Moon (Princess of Swords) and am Leo/fire rising (Knight of Wands).

Another thing I notice is that there are 2 female cards in the Problem, and a male card in the Solution - while the Princess is active, it seems that calling upon my Animus ( in Jungian terms) for help with this intertia could be a big part of the solution.

I also previously drew a Card of the Day - the Magus

(Wow, that card on taroteca has an interesting border! I've never seen a Thoth card with a border like that!)
The Magus is all about making things happen, he has everything he needs at his disposal, and he's playful. Me? I'm very very very serious. Time to play? Note: the Magician has the astrological attribution of Mercury - the ruler of my Sun in Virgo.

Lots of connections here - I think I'm going to love working with this deck again!

2009-01-20T17:37:00.003-06:00

Life appears to be

... what happens when you least expect it.
My left thumb has been "triggering" in the morning for a couple of weeks now. Frankly, I messed it up with too much knitting and craft work. On Sunday night I realized that the moxa-ing that I was doing was not helping, so I made an appointment to go see an upper limb specialist that I know.

Her first words after examining me: "You can have a steroid injection or you can have surgery."

Obviously, I opted for the former, and I'm also wearing a wee splint on my thumb. It's not fun. I'm also off of work for 2 weeks, we'll re-evaluate in February.

Having your hands injected is a pretty unpleasant experience, especially when you're a musician, and I was rather traumatized. It's a very painful injection, even with the lidocaine injection first. I was treated to the numb "balloon thumb" feeling afterwards, due to the numbness.

Then last night I must've eaten something that disagreed with me, because I had some pretty unpleasant gastric symptoms. And when I finally went to bed, I was having very distressing palpitations. Now, I'm no stranger to palpitations - I've had them for years - but this was the kind where you can feel your heart's every beat, and it was speeding up when I would inhale, and slow down drastically when I would exhale. I've noticed that before (though not for a while), and while it was annoying, the most important thing was that it kept me from falling asleep for HOURS. The last time I looked at the clock it was 2:15 am, and I know that I was up at least another hour. Bother! Eventually I got up and placed tiny magnets on several acupoints (they are made for just that), and that gave me a lessening of symptoms. I'm still wearing them right now.

Today I'm tired, and my heart is beating fast. That is what happens after I get less than 5 1/2 hours of sleep in a night.

When I thought about having 2 weeks of, I thought of all the stuff I could get done. But with the way I'm feeling today, things are not happening.
Oh, I did order a large-size Thoth deck. For some reason it's not available many places, and the rumor mill indicates that the new ones that are coming out aren't nearly as well-printed. So... I guess I convinced myself that I needed it.

Then again, we have a NEW PRESIDENT! I'm amazed at how much he's aged since September. May the Source of all Life bless and uphold him.

2009-01-18T20:01:00.001-06:00

Plans

I had a long walk this afternoon with the dog - it was over 70 degrees today, after having much lower temperatures this past week. I was full of new ideas, planning where I wanted to be in a year, etc... and then it struck me. Not 4 days ago I was practically suicidal, because I just could not find any way to even begin to think about what needed to be done to move ahead in my life. I was completely stuck, and for someone like me who needs to move forward - I'm always growing and adapting - it was total hell. And all it took was 35mg more of Wellbutrin, equaling 110 mg total. For most people, 150 mg is the starting dose.

So, today while on my walk I was full of ideas, and even thought that I needed to make some notes to myself using my cell phone, so that I could remember what I wanted to do. I thought I could remember it all. But no! I just get home and move into another zone, and all my thoughts/plans just evaporated. So I'm going to take some time to journal here, and perhaps then I'll remember what I came to do. I may get out my old Dell laptop and take it to my bedroom. I seem to hit the wall with the Mac (not to mention that the keyboard is getting on my nerves.)

Just a few days ago I was planning on hitting the flute audition trail again, but today I don't feel that is going to be necessary or even helpful.

When I think about what truly interests me, I come to (in no particular order): tarot, acupuncture, nutrition, aromatherapy... and that's it. Mostly acupuncture and tarot, if I'm going to be truthful. Secondary: herbs, astrology, knitting... um... that's it.

So I have: acupuncture, nutrition, aromatherapy and herbs on the one hand.
Tarot and astrology on the other.
Knitting in front of me.

OMG. I didn't even mention playing the flute!!

2009-01-16T20:04:00.002-06:00

Better today, thank heavens...

After my mental crisis of the past few days, today was a much better day. I woke up fairly refreshed (imagine that), and my eye appointment went well, as well as the treatment I gave a new patient. This was another pain patient, and afterwards I realized that I'm figuring out my own way to deal with pain - basically doing a channel treatment. By that I mean that I use needles to get the Qi flowing in the channel, because pain always means a blockage, whether of Qi or Xue (Blood). This technique is very gentle - it doesn't involve lots of heavy needling - and the results gradually improve over 12-24 hours. This also helps me focus my studying - I need to look at the Tendino-muscular and Divergent Meridians again. (I googled, but didn't find anything that I wanted to link to.)

That makes me happy, and I feel like what I do matters.

I now have a couple of days off, and I'm going to rest and work on my website... as well as working with moxa on the pain in my finger joints.

2009-01-15T20:58:00.001-06:00

Hopelessness for no good reason

Nothing like deep, dark depression for the dark time of the year. It wouldn't be January without feelings of exhaustion, hopelessness, and depression, it seems.

I am not doing well. I haven't told anyone in RL, because I don't want to scare people... but once again I've been having suicidal thoughts. I'm seeing my therapist on Monday (thank the gods), and I will be fine for the next 3 days. Who knows, I may actually feel good by Monday. I had a day of total exhaustion last Friday (the 9th), and called in sick for the concert that night; I did feel better the next day. I had a day like that yesterday as well, and today I've been just getting the things done that need to get done. I have upped my antidepressant dosage (my MD is fine with me doing that), and we'll see how things work out.

I had an acupuncture appointment on Tues with one of my professors. She was helpful, but was disappointed that I haven't been using the stuff I learned in school to feel better. I told her "the doctor who treats herself has a fool for a patient", and, being Chinese, it was a stretch for her to understand my meaning.

Tomorrow I have an appointment for an eye checkup (thank heavens! I know I need a change in glasses), and one person to treat in the afternoon. Then I can collapse until I see said shrink on Monday.

A huge part of the problem is that I have too many choices - I don't know what direction to take my acupuncture practice - and I also have no ability to focus my energy on things that need to get done, like practicing, studying, marketing. I'm overwhelmed by being an adult, and this is not a new feeling. I think I've felt this way my entire adult life.

If you met me at work (either the clinic or the orchestra hall) you'd have no idea that I am so fragile. I put up a good front, I guess. I am so lonely I could just about die, and I have zero ability to get out and try to meet anyone, even on the internet. I'm scared about what will become of me, as well... and I wish I could cry, because I might just feel better if I did.

2008-12-18T13:55:00.002-06:00

What a Cutie!

Time magazine has a photoessay up of photos that a grad student took of Barack Obama when he was a freshman at Occidental. The pics are absolutely delightful... and the story of how they came to be taken and published so many years later is here.

What a sweet boy.

On another subject, I'm pretty unhappy with him for his nomination of former Iowa Gov. Vilsack as Sec. of Agriculture. He has been for GM foods and ANIMALS, for crying out loud, and was a supporter of some of the massive hog farms which massively pollute, as well as factory farming, which is nothing short of animal abuse. He also has been involved in the "biofuels" debacle, which was a cause of the recent food shortages earlier this year.

I think the last sentence of the linked article says it best: The Organic Consumers Association, which opposes biotechnology, was the only group to oppose his nomination.

I'm also unhappy with Obama giving the excreble (sp??) Pastor Rick Warren to give the invocation at his inauguration. The left wing is in an uproar because Warren is a homophobic bigot, and the right wing is up in arms because they find Obama's positions on abortion and LGBT rights reprehensible. I suppose if both sides are pissed off, then he must be doing something right. Too bad Rev. Wright destroyed his relationship with Obama... whatever invocation he would've done might have been... shall we say... incendiary!